Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 345: Saab Story with Chris Fairbanks, Asterios Kokkinos and Alie Ward

Episode Date: October 6, 2014

JJGo favorites Chris Fairbanks, Asterios Kokkinos and Alie Ward join Jordan for a discussion of Chris' mustache, Jordan's quest for a new video game and Alie's job working with butterflies at the Natural History Museum.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne out again this week at a wedding, I believe, a traveling wedding. Not a wedding you have to travel to, but like a traveling medicine show. The wedding just goes all around in a wagon pulling into various small towns, letting people enjoy love. But in his place, I would say we have an embarrassment of riches. We have not one, not two, but three favorite returning Jordan Jesse Go guests that can hopefully fill the void.

First, a stand-up comic, a guy who had a mustache before but now does not, Mr. Chris Fairbanks. Hi. Hi, Jordan. Good to see you again. Yeah. Have I seen you – I don't think I've seen you post-mustache. No. It's a new – it was a new thing that I did.

And I'm worried about it. Yeah? Yeah. Let's introduce the rest of the gang. Okay., and I'm worried about it. Yeah? Yeah. Let's introduce the rest of the gang. Okay. And then we can get into it. Talk about all our mustaches. Guest number two, one of the hosts of Innovation Nation on CBS and the Slumber Party with Allie and Georgia podcast, Miss Allie Ward.

Hi, Allie. Hi, hi, hi. What do you think of my mustache? You know what? It's off-putting on a lady. I know. I'll say that, but it is full and beautiful. Thank you so much.

In general, I don't think ladies should have mustaches. Sorry. I guess I'm just old-fashioned like that. I know, but I'm kind of a hipster. Yeah, you're such a hipster. You're a woman with a... But it's a beautiful mustache on its own. It's a beautiful piece of hair. Thank you. But also,

shave it off. I'll work on it. And get in the kitchen, right? Oh, God, we're close. How am I ever going to get pregnant or barefoot with this mustache? Yeah, right? And guest number three,

perhaps one of the most beloved Jordan Jessico guests of all time, a man who moved away and then is now visiting L.A. I saw him at a wedding. He's one of the guys behind the Devastator Press and one of the writers of the International Waters podcast right here on MaximumFun.org, Asterios Kokonos. Jordan. Hi, Asterios. Hey.

Everybody hi. Hi. Thank you for having me. This is so much fun. Now, I had invited Allie and Chris on the podcast earlier this week. And, Asterios, I just ran into you last night at a wedding. I mentioned that. A wedding for one of the editors of Reno 911.

I know. I don't like to drop that name. I know old Hollywood Morris constantly dropping his cool connections. But, yeah, I think I thought it was funny that I don't go to a wedding and get drunk and try and get laid. I go to a wedding, get drunk, and invite people on a podcast. It worked out great for me. I got him super drunk, and before he knew it, I was here. It worked out awesome. Yeah, I am just now sobering up.

We both crashed on the floor of this recording room. It was pretty great. It was great. They actually, they asked me at this wedding to do a little bit of MC work to bring up people who were making speeches. And by the time that rolled around, I was certainly too drunk to be on a stage, definitely too drunk to be holding a mic, and don't remember what I said. I remember what you said. This is a question. Sure. After I got off stage, a couple people came up to me and said,

Hey, Jordan, great social distortion joke. And I don't even know what that would be. I'll tell you everything you said. Would you please? Sure. Okay, so first off, a real big fat guy wearing a pink bow tie tried to push him off the stage and literally put his hands over Jordan's mouth. And then Jordan grabbed the microphone and went, hey, it's a bouncer from a social distortion show.

And everybody laughed. No, that's not a good joke. No, it was a bouncer from a social distortion show. And everybody laughed. No, that's not a good joke. No, it was good. It was well done. Just because I blew the delivery doesn't mean the joke wasn't good. It's a visual joke, too. You have to see the guy, I imagine. Why was this guy trying to – was I just yelling racial slurs?

You did say one thing and then you said after it, was that racist? You introduced the bride's very – you said this. You said, quote, I'd like to introduce the bride's very Italian-looking friend. That's good. That's good. Yeah, and I forget what her name was. Her name was like Melissa. And then you went, was that racist?

Was that racist? And then – And then this guy bum-rushed me. That guy. Fuck that guy. But then the best part was Melissa started to give a super boring bridesmaid speech. And at which point Jordan pulled out his cell phone and just started scrolling through texts. And so there's a picture on Facebook of this woman giving this impassioned yet super boring speech.

And Jordan's just like, whatever, Tinder, swipe left, swipe right, swipe right. Ooh, a lot of hotties today. It was awesome. I was mumbling to myself about hotties. As you were wanting to do. Into the microphone you were still holding. So Chris, do you have any thoughts

on being a man who formerly had a mustache but now does not? It's better being a man who formerly had a mustache but now does not? It's better as a man, but as a comic, I think I made a mistake because it was getting me commercials and it was commanding some weird authority on stage. Well, now there's no going back, right? Once you shave it, it never grows back. I could grow it back, but it's a balance between living a normal life and not having some joke mustache on my face. How was it? In what ways was it harming your offstage life?

Or not harming, but affecting it, I guess. Oh, no. I mean, you can't make eye contact with a woman under 35, which is fine. Yeah. Yeah. Who needs it? That's what age I am. Sure.

Now I just sound like a jerk. Yeah, I'm glad it's gone. Okay. I think you look great. I think you look terrific. Thank you very much. You got a nice pair of chinos on? Oh, thanks.

No, maybe those aren't chinos. Nah, they're more of a- They're more a jean. A brown jean. They're a dungaree. Wait, the mustache was getting you commercial work? Yes, yeah. That's a powerful mustache.

Yeah, it's just, oh, there's a guy willing to sacrifice. Mustaches are dumb. I look like a bartender at one of those bars where they all look like Lennon and Stalin. Oh, those ones. You know, like, I didn't like people thinking it was a hipster-y thing. And I hate that word. How did it go with the ladies? Like what was, at what point did you realize that you were wearing, you were growing a deal breaker on your face?

I, it wasn't that. See, I hate that I even said that. I wish I could go back in time. It was an interesting experiment because then sometimes people, guy or girl, would come up and say, hey, nice mustache. And I would just say, did your dad have a mustache? And they always said yes. And if someone thought I was gross, like one girl came up once and pointed at it and just went, um, no. And I said, did your dad have a mustache?

She said, no. So there you go. There's the proof. If you have a dad that had a mustache, you liked mine. But if you didn't, you thought I was a slimy jerk, bad guy from Miami Vice. Sure. I will say I'm 100% on that, on your scale. My dad did not have a mustache, and I find mustaches to be very creepy.

Great. Yeah. And on me, it depended on what I was wearing or whatever. It could look like an old-timey thing, and so I used it on stage. It was just a weird character. It was like having a prop. Yeah, well, actually, my dad did have a mustache, and that's weird because all I wanted was for Chris to come to my t-ball game.

But he never showed up. He was working. All I wanted was for Chris to stay with my mom. I had a buddy that waxed his mustache. What? I think that's the worst you can do. That's the lowest you can go. When you have the waxed handlebar, the Raleigh fingers, the curls at the end,

it's just like as if you didn't want enough attention. It's like putting attention on top of attention when you wax a mustache. That's not what I thought you meant. Yeah, I thought you meant that's how he got rid of it was Brazilians. Yeah, like he was in such hatred of his mustache that he had to eradicate it from the root. He lasered his mustache off. No, I was like, what did his dad have? What kind of mustache did his dad have?

I meant he used a thing called mustache wax. There is a product called Ichabod Conk's Mustache Wax. Wow. By the way. So if you're looking for a mustache wax, that's the one I endorse. Does it come with a free vinyl collection? And an opinion about Bitcoin. Inside the lid is a suicide prevention hotline number.

So it's really convenient yeah it just no vinyl collection just comes with a lot of crates a lot of milk crates you can fill these with vinyl if you want to um there is some uk viral video guy who was always when i worked at world's dumbest all of his videos he was jumping off roofs onto his – Now, can you describe the world's dumbest program? But one of the videos he did wax off his mustache, had a string attached to the waxing paper on his face and attached to a motorcycle that his friend drove by. And it ripped – perfectly ripped off his mustache. And then as he made comments about it, just blood started to go. It's a bad idea to do that type of waxing.

This is the comedian's goof on internet videos show. Yeah, yeah, that's over. It's canceled. I think everything I've... Well, that's inevitable. All shows get canceled. Sure. Except for yours.

It'll be on forever. Yeah. Oh, God. Thanks for saying that. I was just about to cry. Well, you guys did so many. You guys, I think you made fun of every video on the internet. I think, like, you can.

Even just instructional ones. Yeah, yeah. How to fold a hanky. Yeah, every episode was like there would be world's dumbest commercials and world's dumbest fights. I mean, it ended up being like 30. World's dumbest recipes. That's too much tarragon asshole look at this jerk

with his time T.Y.M.E. I wish there was world's dumbest recipes just panning down the pages I also kind of like the idea of like you know because goofing on internet videos is such a prevalent, you know, kind of television. Yeah.

It pays some of our rents in here. Yep. And what if it's just – I like the idea of comedians just being really mean to like nice, helpful videos. That's how it felt. Hey, nice life hack, asshole. Well, even when it was someone that's just falling off a trampoline, that doesn't make that person an asshole. So I always felt bad with most videos. Sure.

Well, this guy's Russian, so here comes some vodka jokes and it feels terrible. But that's what we had to do. What else are you going to talk about? Russian guy. See, I made it. I said that I was a dick and then proved that I. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice. I actually feel that. Okay. You know, it's funny because in Soviet Russia, the videos mock you. Don't you have to be in Branson, Missouri? Yakov Smirnoff. Got to go. I actually watched a great documentary about Branson, Missouri the other day.

It's called We Always Lie to Strangers. Anybody heard about this thing? No, no. So Branson, Missouri is a crazy place. To borrow a line from The Simpsons, it's like Las Vegas. It was run by Ned Flanders. I know nothing about Branson. Me neither.

I'm like, there's a documentary about this town? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what it is is this kind of crazy – it's this – yeah, it's this'm like, there's a documentary about this town. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what it is, is this kind of crazy. It's this. Yeah. It's this little like Las Vegas. You know, zone where. But it's like everything appeals to people from the heartland and they have these big tacky reviews where they, you know, sing. It's a mixture of like patriotic stuff, stuff and then like you know old-time country wow and then like a guy in baggy overalls will come out and like tell obama jokes no yeah yeah and they're these big like garish spectacles you know everybody's dressed like they're either

you know from hee-haw or the grand ole opry or something like that and the kind of um the the one of the main conflicts in the thing is that like when you're doing a big singing, dancing, spangly stage show, you got to have some gay guys in there. I was going to say you got to have some gay guys in there. Guess what town ain't real nuts about gay guys? France and Missouri. What town ain't real nuts about gay guys? France and Missouri. So, yeah, it's actually kind of a – it goes from this kind of like, hey, look at these kind of crazy, you know, kind of tacky people to this – yeah, it's actually a really kind of affecting story about this guy who loves singing and dancing in these reviews but also feels like he has to be in the closet.

Wow, yeah. How would they not suss that out though? Like I feel like they're so – it sounds like the most homophobic place ever. Yeah, wow. Yeah. How would they not suss that out, though? Like, I feel like they're so, it sounds like the most homophobic place ever. Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't they just assume everyone is and just... Here's what I think it is. And you're right. It's weird. I think it's like, and when they pan across the audience of these things, it's always very, very old people. Most people have an oxygen tank with them.

There's like cup holders next to the seats for oxygen tanks. Places I want to tender. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah. Can I swipe further to the right? Look at that. He's got a different fishing hat in every picture.

So I think what it is, it's like the Liberace effect, factor of like just when you're that old, like a fancy, well-to-do, well-groomed, muscular man is just a bachelor. He's a confirmed bachelor. Hasn't met the right gal. He's very fit. He probably got that fit from playing football, and now he's channeling it to, you know, doing pirouettes during a patriotic medley. He's always hanging out with his roommate. Yeah. Best friends. Oh, man, yeah.

What a couple of rascals. Yeah. Watch out, ladies. Yeah. Lance and Chance are here. And they've got shorts. Well-fitting shorts. I didn't realize that I had a places I don't want to go to list, but I guess I do now.

I'm going to put that on there. But you're missing the – but Yakov Smirnoff has a theater there and he does shows eight times a week. No, that's not also true. That's the thing about Branson is that it's like when you can't retire in Vegas, you retire in Branson. You know how like when your career is kind of – when you don't want to travel the country anymore, you'll do like a year at Vegas. Yeah. Like Britney Spears. That's what Morongo was for though.

Morongo. If you can't cut it at Morongo, you can always cut it at Branson. Yeah, that's the one thing I don't like about Morongo is there isn't that sense of community around it. They say there's more, more, more at Morongo, but I find there's less and less every year. That is a very specific local reference we're talking about the morongo what do you want me to do um i and i they did not show this but i while i was watching the movie i just wanted more than anything to see the branson strip club where all the girls have to dance to patriotic songs, gospel songs, and then the hits of Wynonna Judd.

So, yeah. If someone could confirm that that exists in Branson, I think I want to go. If not, Allie, I think I'm in your camp. Okay. A second on the list would be like a hot, dark bog somewhere. I'll keep compiling. Oh, yeah. The hot, dark bogs are the worst. bog somewhere. I'll keep compiling. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

The hot, dark bogs are the worst. Well, the second worst, apparently. Right, yeah, yeah. The humidity alone. Oh, sure. But yeah, I mean, if you can get a bog with some nice natural light coming in. Yeah. A nice skylight. Yeah, exactly.

A fixer-upper bog. Makes that algae nice and thick. Here's a thing I was kind of wanting to talk about. The other day, I had kind of a rough day. I don't want to get into why. It was just kind of a day. And at the end of it, I felt like I needed a balm. I needed a salve, an ointment. I needed something to cool the – I don't want to say pain, but to cool the irritation.

You really did need a topical ointment? No, like a spiritual ointment. Sure. I got you. But, I mean, it never hurts to just rub an ointment on, you know? Right, right. While doing ayahuasca in a yurt. Yeah, exactly. You got to stay moist when you're searching for your spirit animal on a plane of self-discovery.

So we got out of work really late too. So my kind of – my options were limited as far as like how to – what I could do to kind of make myself feel better. So it's 10-ish, 10.30-ish and there's a Target by my house that is open very late. I'm like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to this Target and I'm going to get this new video game, Middle Earth, Shadow of Mordor. This is a video game that takes place in the Lord of the Rings universe. Which I normally don't like. I'm not a guy who...

I feel like all that 70s nerd stuff never got to me. Your Dungeons and Dragons, your Star Trek, your Lord of the Rings. Too many made up words. I'd like to interject. That title seems way too short for a Lord of the Rings tactical game. Are you sure it wasn't like the Lord of the Rings

colon, the Fellowship of the Ring colon, Middle Earth Saga colon, the Battle of Two Armies colon, Baldur's whatever. It does. It should need more. The subtitle, the amount of subtitles in this game will enter into the story. Okay. Yes. Sorry.

Spoiler alert. That's okay. You're right. Should have been longer. So I go to get this game. Oh, yeah. So, you know, yeah, I mean, I really don't like Lord of the Rings stuff. Too many made-up words.

It's confusing. It's long. There's all sorts of appendices. Like, you know, they for some reason think in that world if you – if someone mentions a root, then you'd like to also know the history of that root. That does not exist. This is a made-up root. But anyways, it's that kind of like all-encompassing thorough nerdery that drives me up a wall a little bit. But I've heard that this game has a lot of sword-based combat and you can go into slow motion.

So – Consider the ointment applied. Right, exactly. That would scratch the itch perfectly, I think. And yeah, those are always good for – I think new video games are good for bad days because you're also kind of like learning something so you can just forget whatever shitty thing just happened. I really want to know the shitty thing. It's not noteworthy at all. Just a general just a general bad day.

Just pubic lice. Just, you know, just a regular old. On a scale of one to ten, a three. Just a just a Monday's pubic lice flare up. Just a homework causes pimples. And I kicked Odie off the table and then my pubic lice flared up. And landed right in my lasagna. Mondays.

I'm going to make you a coffee mug. Continue. Yeah. So I get there and it's like, it's 1045. The place closes at 11. And I go to the video game counter and targets, Target's – you don't just get the game. You have to have somebody unlock it for you. So Target's a ghost town and there's two guys kind of near the video game department but they're like packing up.

They are doing like – we work at Target. It's almost 11 o'clock. We want to go home and these are like – I don't know how to – I mean these are guys with like ear gauges and neck tattoos. Like these are guys who work at Target at 11 o'clock. Sure. And I didn't – I got there and I didn't see the game. I didn't see it out. There was a little canister for it but the game was not in it.

And I'm like, well, that's kind of target's thing though what there's always it's always in the back right at target i mean anything you want is probably also in the back so i'm like well i'm so i'm super embarrassed to ask for this thing because it's got the dorkiest name in history but i also want it yeah so uh i asked the guy i'm like hey i don't there's a game i want to get, but I don't see it out there. Do you have Shadow of Mordor? He's like, what's it called? I'm like, I need Shadow of Mordor.

He's like, do you see it out there? He's like, no, I see the slot for it, but it's empty. I thought maybe you would have one in the back or something. And he's like, let me check. Dan, do we have, what's it called shadow of mordor dan do we have shadow of mordor he's like is it out they they just have the same conversation that we do he's like is it out there yeah there's a slot but it's not there he's like i don't know if it's not out there it's not out there and then i'm like okay well they don't have it then i'm like shit this thing has names. What if it's just under something different?

And I'm like, well, I don't – these guys are so annoyed with me. But I also still want it. So I'm like, hey, maybe you can check Middle Earth, Shadow of Mordor. What? He's like, is this a different one? I'm like, no, it's the same thing. But it's also – it also is called Middle Earth, Shadow of Mordor. Let me check. And these guys just go through this rigmarole.

I also have them check Lord of the Rings, Shadow of Mordor. Thank you. Thank you, Jordan. Yeah, yeah. I'm glad you saved that one for last. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, okay, it could also be, I mean. J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.

J.R.R. Tolkien. Yeah. Based on, yeah, right. J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings dance. Based on – yeah, right. J.R.R. Tolkien's Peter Jackson, Andy Serkis' Lord of the Rings, Middle-Earth Shadow of Mordor. So it turns out they just didn't have it and I'm feeling as dejected and – like they might as well have pantsed me. Like basically – yeah, I should like – I feel like I also should have asked them for like, oh, I also need a jump rope and a pretty party dress.

Like I have a cotillion to get to and I need something with ruffles. Can you pants me and then help me find the jacks, please? Is a cotillion like a quinceanera? I think it's like a white quinceanera. Oh, okay. It's for whites. Same dress. Same dress. Similar dress.

Similar tood. Yeah. It's like a debutanteinceanera. Oh, okay. For whites. Same dress. Same dress. Same dress. Similar dress. Similar tood. Yeah. It's like a debutante ball without the debutante coming out. I got you. Yeah. I got you because I've been to those. You have? Oh, yeah.

Really? No. God damn it. I want a white tuxedo so bad. And I want to fan myself and talk about how mighty powerful hot it is. That's all I want. I want to get a case of the vapors. I want all of it.

A julep, maybe. Perhaps. Mint, maybe. Are there other juleps? Ali, you're a cuss. Come on, Dally. Tell us. Sure.

There are tarragon juleps. There are gasoline juleps. Is there one? There's gasoline juleps. You just make it with straight gasoline and Gatorade. I don't know. I don't think there are any other jokes. I think I got one of those at a Branson strip club.

Yeah, that sounds about right. It's called the eligible bachelor. Just a pint glass full of gas and Gatorade. It's the soul mechanic is what we call it. I think that you want like a seersucker suit and a time machine though. It sounds like you want to hang with Colonel Sanders somewhere. Is that accurate? I want to join Colonel Sanders'

army of perfect gentlemen. Yes. Just imagine row after row of us checking the time on our pocket watches. Fantastic. You're just in it for the chicken. I would really just be there for the chicken. And the herbs and spices.

There's 11 of them. So did you never get this? I did not for the chicken. And the herbs and spices. Yeah. There's 11 of them. So did you never get this? So, okay. So I did not get the game. I, you know, and it's the only thing that's open. So I go home and I'm like, well, I still need, you know, I still feel like I want something to happen. Don't real nerds just steal this shit?

Like, can you? No, no. Oh, I guess. Yeah, I guess I could. You could wears it. Yeah. Don't do that. I could go on Pirate Bay.

I don't know. Is that what that's for? Just dial your modem up. Yeah. Get on that AOL machine. Tell mom to get off the phone. Plug in. Log on to AOL.

Make sure I have my free disc. Yeah. And get it in a chat room. So you didn't get it. You didn't steal it? So I didn't steal it. So you didn't get it So I didn't steal it I was driving home

And I'm like well I guess I'll drive through Jack in the Box It for some reason seemed like a Substitute to me Here's my jam at Jack in the Box I like their chicken nuggets because they also They have a hot sauce So you can

Do a hot sauce and a ranch And it's kind of like hot things sure it's nice yeah and as i'm so i order these nuggets and i get up to the i get up to the drive-thru window and the guy at the drive-thru window he's like hey man that was a really great order loud clear just great and then he gets my food and uh yeah, so, you know, that was a story had a happy ending. Apparently, I'm a very good drive-thru orderer. That's great. And that made up for the not having the game.

That was your balm. Yeah, sure. That's great. And I felt really terrific. I wonder if that's- I'll tell you that right now. You have a concise way of speaking. You use your diaphragm, which I never learned how.

You got great diction. Yeah. Did I ever tell great diction. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Why don't we shut off these microphones and I can enunciate for you. No, turn them up. I want a record of this. I want audio. I want to listen to this later when I'm alone.

You know you need unique New York. Couldn't have done that. No, you would have fallen flat on your fucking face mustache-y oh man yeah so you know

chops busted life stay yeah what is this world's dumbest you feel like you're a Russian

on a trampoline right now welcome to Colin Quinn's tough crowd it's gonna be great we're just some of the good hanging out like guys yeah you just got It's like you're rushing on a trampoline right now. Welcome to Colin Quinn's Tough Crowd. It's going to be great. We're just some of the good hanging out like guys.

Yeah, you just got slammed by Frangela. I did one of those clip shows once and had to go on right after Frangela, and I'm like, I am no fucking good at this. Frangela is the best. They've got this. Anyway, I've never felt more inferior to follow something. You're not a portmanteau at all. No, I'm not. I'm just a guy. I'm a single man.

What if you went out there as Joris? I am one man. Could you have sealed the deal as Joris? Right, me and my, yeah. Are Frangela sisters or are they just friends? I think they're pals. I think one's named Fran, one's named Angela. It's like perfect union.

Oh, that's great. I know. I know. Ship it. I think one's named Fran, one's named Angela. It's like perfect union. Oh, that's great. I know. I know. Ship it. Yeah. Screwed. Next time I have to do a clip show, do you want to go on as Jally? Yeah, I'm into it. Okay, great.

I'm not going to talk at all, though. I'm just going to point at you, and I'm going to shrug no matter what you say. It's going to be amazing. I don't know. I don't know where he gets these. Wait, so is that what you do, though? You have a bad day, and you get a video game. What do you do, Chris, when you've had a bad day? Lately, I lay down and just reflect. It sucks. Yeah, I've got to snap out of it. I just admit that I've been having bad days, and I'm drinking a beer.

What time is it? Noon somewhere, right? Yeah. For the land of the free. I'm practicing my Branson accent. That's really what you do? You lay down and reflect? Because that doesn't generate any money for anyone.

No, no, no. I don't. Yeah. That certainly doesn't give the Tolkien estate any money. I think I'm usually, when I'm depressed, it has something to do with money. And so I don't go out and just spend it willy-nilly. You know what I do? What?

It's super great. I go get myself an iced coffee. I spend four bucks. Nice. I take an extra Splenda packet I put in my pocket. Okay. Jokes on you guys. Yeah.

You're not counting these. And then what I do to cheer myself up is I love animals, but I don't have a dog. So I will drive myself to the animal shelter. And then drinking my coffee, I will walk among these stinking rotting halls of dogs all doomed to death. And I will look at them and go, who's the pretty one? Who's the pretty one? And I'll look at them and say hi and I'll go, I wish I could have a dog. And it doesn't ever dawn on me that the one I go to is like a high kill shelter.

And a lot of the dogs that have been like so pretty probably have ended up in a horrible state. Well, then you won't end up doing that anymore. I haven't done it in at least a week. But I do. That would bum me out. But it's like a happy, it's like a museum of happiness because all these little pooches, but it doesn't, I'm like in my mind, I'm just like, they're all going to, they're wonderful. They're all going to get adopted.

Of course. But like a one-eyed pit bull is not going anywhere. But it's, for the moment, it's really nice, though, because it costs $4 and you get to see slobbery slobbery. God, no, that would bum me out. I don't know if the animal thing bums me out more than if it was a

human shelter. They're called houses, Chris. They're defenseless. There's no decisions being made to get them there. The other day I was leaving by the beach, and that should make me happy. And I went out and I was going to get something to eat. Like, it was 8 p.m. And there was a duck in the road, like, quacking.

And then I was like, what are you, get out of the road. And I went to look. And he was quacking at another duck that had been run over. No. And I was like, oh, they're a duck married. And he was quacking at another duck that had been run over. And I was like, oh, they're duck married. And so I just turned right around and I went to bed. Wow. Yeah, I crawled right into bed.

Well, they made for life, so. Oh, it's the worst. I'm sorry. I don't mean to bring it down. No, that's really interesting. Yeah. I'm like, what are you? Get out.

And then I looked over. What could possibly be wrong? Oh. It was like the notebook but in duck form. It was. Well, this is why – this is the – your money problems probably just stem from living in Venice. It's not cheap to live there. Oh, yeah.

You live by the ocean. It's – and it's not even – it's when I'm not – because I did a few commercials. I'm doing okay. But when I'm not productive, I think that is what bums me out. So it is no money. It's just I haven't worked or done it. I haven't done stand-up for a month. What am I doing?

I'm just living. Being happy because you're not doing stand-up? I know. It turns out that I can't be happy. I'm just realizing that if I'm not working or doing something. I'm like, great. I can sit on this money and go skateboarding, but I can't do that anymore. I'm like, I'm a loser.

I didn't do anything the last three days. I see why Liam Neeson makes all those throat-punching movies. Yeah, yeah. Because he doesn't want to just hang out. He just wants to work. He just wants to work. And he wants his daughter back also. He wants two things.

He wants to work. I haven't seen the trailer for Taken 3. Who gets taken? I think the someone getting taken element is now not a part of it. What? It's called Taken. He gets charged too much buying something. Well, first of all, it's called Tay 3K.

What? Yeah, the E is the 3. Like 7? Yeah, exactly. Good. Wow. Allie just sighed with delight, right? Doesn't that sound great?

God, you guys. You know what, though? It's like SEO optimization. I feel like you kind of had to screw it up a little bit. So it's the first Google results. It's like, oh, there's a three in there. Sure. And you're like, all right.

Yeah. Like, remember the band Live? Oh, God. What were they thinking? We talked about that last week. Did you? Yeah. We had famous live superfan Hari Kandabalu, and he was wearing a live Lightning Crashes

t-shirt. No. Yeah. These days, though, how would you Google that? Oh, sure. So many people, I guess, were willing to overlook the fact that that guy had a shaved head with a remaining rat tail. I know.

Oh, no. That was a not. I'm like, I can't. I can't throw that kind of copper. Let me see. That's an album title. I know. Oh no. I'm like, I can't throw that kind of copper. That's an album title. Let me get your guys' opinion RE Live, because we were talking about this.

There's that dumb rock and roll voice that's so fun to do. Did Live invent that? Maybe they did. If they didn't, who was before them? You know, the... Yeah.

I think, yeah, I would give it to Pearl Tam. What about Joe Cocker? Didn't he growly? Oh, maybe, yeah. He was a little growly. Sure. I think they were the first... I guess my theory is that they were the first ones to make it suck.

Oh, but Joe Cocker might be the Neil Young of growly, closed-mouth, stained-type singing. Yeah. I feel like we need a chart. I need a chart to track this. A chart would help. I think maybe it is. What about Creed and Live?

Who came first? Creed or Live? I think Live. Oh, Live. I would guess Live. Creed was a momentary. That was like 98 to 2001. They, live, yeah. I would guess live. Okay. It was a momentary. That was like 98 to 2001. They burned brightly but briefly.

Who had that song that was like, once there was this girl. It was Crash Test Dummies. Crash Test Dummies. Can we give it to them because I like them? Well, it's a dubious honor, so we're not. I want them to win something. Yeah, no, you're right. They've had it bad for too long. Even the Biggest Loser Award is an award. It's funny that that band not. I want them to win something. Yeah, no, you're right. They've had it bad for too long.

Even the biggest loser award is an award. It's funny that that band is called Crash Test Dummies because I would like them to drive into a wall in a Volvo. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't know if I said it right. No, it makes sense. Thanks, guys. Hold on. Here's what we'll do.

We're going to take a little bit of a break. Okay. Chris, if you want to rethink that joke and deliver it again when we come back from the break, I'll allow it. From the top? I will. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And, yeah, we'll see you in just a second right back on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Oh, my God. Have you heard they've managed to steal chocolate into small drops?

What? Yeah, pretty big. Chocolate chips have made it to the UK. Because I don't like them. What? Right. So are you looking to move to a nation that doesn't? Is that what you're saying?

I'm just sick of being ridiculed. I've heard Serbia doesn't have chocolate chips. So I can move there. International Waters, a panel show where U.S. and U.K. comedians battle for pop culture supremacy. Subscribe right now on iTunes or to MaximumFun.org. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Filler Ward. I'm a Stereos Cogodose. Chicken fries are back! Okay. Wait, I don't know if I like you putting plugs in with your nickname. Because that's a kickback.

I mean, that's a kickback you're getting. I'm not seeing any of that sweet chicken fries money. I'm getting a kickback in chicken fries. Plus, I have, as we talked about earlier, I have an interest with the Jack in the Box chicken product. So, this is a conflict of interest. How many of those late night munchie meals have you sucked down?

Oh, God, the late night munchie meal. That's the Jack in the Box weird thing that they only start serving after nine, and it's just the most bizarre combination of all their foods. It's like, what if the chicken sandwich, our standard chicken sandwich, also had a slice of pie in it. No way. Yeah, it's just really – it's not quite that, but it's really weird stuff. Like if they put a hash brown in there and then put bacon on the – It's like pizza-flavored ice cream and ice cream-flavored pizza only after 9 o'clock. The marketing people were like, hey, we need to learn how to monetize this whole weed is getting legal thing.

Yeah, sure. people were like, hey, we need to learn how to monetize this whole weed is getting legal thing. Yeah. Yeah, sure. And yeah, each munchie meal actually comes with a pre-addressed postcard to your dad letting him know you need a little bit longer to pay him back. That's a joke I had thought of earlier about the munchie meals, but we were talking about it. This is Comics Unleashed, right? Where I can just do material.

Oh, why don't I like the crash test dummies? Yeah, Chris. Because I thought they'd be better in a commercial for Saab driving into a wall. I did it, the joke, poorly, but I changed it to Saab

because Volvos are very safe if you crash. Oh, wow. Okay, so that would be good for the crash test dummies. Sobs don't do as well. So if the crash test was in there, then I'd get what I want. They would surely be killed. They would all die. Or be made. I think I made it obvious that I wish they were dead.

Once there was this guy who crashed through his Volvo and died. The end. Chris Fairbanks was happy. I hate them more. I hate them more. Do you want to add that if they died, it would be a real sob story? I do. I do.

Yay, boo. Yay, boo. I'm going through a real roller coaster of emotions right now with that remark. I don't know what to do. I can go. I feel like I've got a damp pair of jeans on. I laughed at it, but my back started to sweat. I can go. I feel like I've got a damp pair of jeans on. I laughed at it, but my back started to sweat.

I feel like that remark is the joke equivalent of putting on clothes immediately after you get out of the shower. Feels weird. Allie, you, I mentioned you're on this Innovation Nation program on the CBS. That's the truth. I guess last time you were on the show, you were promoting your cooking show. Yes. And now you're on a science show. Yep.

That's an unusual leap. Mama got a lot of job. I've got so many jobs. Should I start calling you Mama now? Yes, please. At one point over the summer, I was working seven or eight jobs. Holy cow. So I still do cooking stuff with Georgia,

Art Stark, my BFF. We just finished shooting Unique Sweets. And then we do a bunch of branding stuff for like, you know, if I say their names then I get more money. Chicken fries. And so we do a bunch of branding stuff for like you know if i say their names then i get more money so chicken fries um chicken fries and so we do a bunch of that and then um i'm a volunteer at the natural history museum i've been doing that for like a year and a half i've loved science my whole life i studied science as well as film in college and so i have always wanted a science show but i kind of fell into cooking with georgia because we made a video that chris probably made

fun of on his show you guys were in in Russia and you fell off a trampoline. It was close enough. I drank a chicken. I drank a chicken McNuggetini and then that launched Georgia and our cooking career. Anyway, but I have always loved science and so I started working at the museum for no dollars an hour for free. And eventually, yeah, I got a science show. So I'm doing both.

I have a question about the science show, but I also want to know about the Natural History Museum. Have you been to this butterfly enclosure? Derp, I teach the kids about the butterflies. Really? Okay, that fucking butterfly enclosure is the best. If you guys have not done this, it's an enclosure where butterflies fly around you and they're beautiful. You're going to get your mind blown in a second. Number one, my nickname... God, that shit's so awesome.

It's the best. My nickname was almost Spider Fingers and I couldn't decide. Because right now, okay, it's Butterfly Pavilion in the springtime. Butterfly Pavilion. I'm saying enclosure. That makes it sound more sinister than it really is. It does sound like a dungeon. It's a butterfly. The Butterfly Jail. I can't wait to see it. The Butterfly Dungeon.'t wait to see it. The butterfly dungeon.

Where the naughty butterflies go. Now it sounds like they're into S&M. Sad and miserable. A tiny red ball in their mouth. Yeah, they're butterfly accountants who just need to lose control. It's a caterpillar correctional facility. Oh, okay. So it is an enclosure.

It's netted in. For delinquent pupas. Yeah, they're forever out of the chrysalis. So it's in the springtime, it's this butterfly pavilion. You walk in and it's like, oh, just butterflies everywhere. It's beautiful. Yeah. The sunlight comes in and I'm there in like a vest and I'm like teaching kids about what a chrysalis is and like why moths aren't as cool and all the stuff. I'd actually like to know. Why is a moth not as cool? Well, moths aren't as cool and all this stuff. I'd actually like to know. Why is a moth not as cool?

Well, moths are pretty cool. Moths were... Do you care? Does anyone care? Yeah, no, I genuinely care. Moths came before butterflies. I made you sit through that fucking story about me buying a video game. Okay, so moths predated butterflies. Butterflies came about to do daytime feeding after flowering plants,

but flowering plants didn't come about until later evolutionary-wise. And so moths are kind of dull color. They're nocturnal. Their senses are great at smelling. A moth can smell one molecule of a female moth seven miles away. They're tuned in. Sure. They just like fucking, I guess.

They love to fuck. But butterflies also do. But anyway, so the butterfly – You probably shouldn't do that when you have young kids. You shouldn't do that moths love to fuck part. That's true. We do sometimes see them mating and we're like, that's part of nature. Sure.

We're like, look at this dead one over here. That's also nature. He's fucking and dying. That's the life cycle. The shrug. But here's the cool part. So at the end of August, early September, butterflies start to die off because the adult butterflies are here for a couple of weeks. They're DTF and then they go away.

That's what happens. And then they G2G. Yeah. And then they're out of there. I don't know what G2G. It means got to go. Got it. Thank you very much.

That's GTK. That's good to know. And thank you for that. They're DFM, down for metamorphosis. Got to go. Got it. Thank you very much. That's GTK. That's good to know. And thank you for that. But so – They're DFM, down for metamorphosis. Oh, yeah. I'll change my form. Getting so much worse.

I'll enter a pupil state. Sorry. I appreciate all of it. Yeah, yeah. I really do. Yeah. But I mean this is the cool part. Are you ready for this?

Yeah, please. So Butterfly Pavilion. In September, it transfers over to the Spider Pavilion. Oh, they do. But, I mean, this is the cool part. Are you ready for this? Yeah, please. So, Butterfly Pavilion. In September, it transfers over to the Spider Pavilion. Oh, my God. And we release just like a hive of spiders. They don't come in hives, but we release 200 spiders into the same space. The remaining butterflies disappear. Don't worry about it, kids.

Yeah. And then it's just all free-range roaming spiders in your face. Okay, wait. No barrier between you and a wood spider that is the size of your palm. I hate it. Holy cow. No, it's the worst. With the butterfly situation, do kids – can you just walk in there and butterflies land on you?

On your face, on your arms. And some kid, the kid with the snotty nose will grab it and squish it and you just have to go, oh, don't do that more than once. Yeah. And then so when they – Oh, that was rare. Okay. And you let the spiders come in and, as you said, murder the rest of the butterfly. Do kids then go in there and then spiders crawl on them?

Spiders don't want anything to do with the children. Okay. As well they shouldn't because they are, some of them are terrible. But no, the spiders are in their webs. None of them are going to touch you ever. How? Because they're like, they sense you're there. They can feel the vibration.

They're in tune to vibrations. Yeah, so they don't want to They're like your aunt who never had kids. Exactly. Super into vibrations crystals. She's got an Airstream trailer. The spiders also think All of them are in denim Yeah all the spiders have A lot of denim

A lot of All of their webs Are in a dreamcatcher formation Right yes Right they all have Right they all have Turquoise and feathers Hanging from them

Exactly The cactus garden It's not our room But they don't want Anything to do with you But it's really funny Because in the butterfly pavilion Like you have to usher people on

And be like okay Your time's up here But in the spider p Pavilion, you have to usher people on. You're like, okay, your time's up here. But in the Spider Pavilion, people are in, they're like, cool beans, and then they're out. But I'm there usually Wednesday mornings in the Natural History Museum in a blue vest talking to kids and adults about how none of these spiders are going to kill you. Okay. It's the best. I do it for free, and it's like my favorite part of it. Yeah, that pavilion, that's one of the coolest things I did over the summer was have butterflies land on me. It was fucking magical.

It was like hashtag blessed. It was super hashtag blessed. Absolutely. Hashtag DTF. Hashtag Gamergate. So what is – so your role on the show is you do like field segments. You go out in the field. You interview people.

What's the weirdest one of these you've had to do so far? Oh, God. The weirdest one. Well, I don't want to say what the weirdest one is. But I will say I did one story and it was a pioneer of engineering. He's changed his field incredibly. But when cameras were off, he was like crazy misogynistic. Oh, no.

And I think like sexually harassed like houseplants. So that was weird because I was like crazy misogynistic and I think like sexually harassed like houseplants. So that was weird because I was like, but I did the coolest person I've interviewed so far. Really? A famous engineer doesn't have a lot of social skills? It was so weird. That doesn't track for me. You must have got him on a weird day.

That was a little heart-wrenching, but I was also like I can't get out of here fast enough. But I did interview like a 19-year-old biochemist at MIT who like in ninth grade, she had like an entire algae lab under her bed. And she won like a $100,000 grant because she figured out how to isolate genetically algae that could be used for biofuels. And she's just really passionate about chemistry. Oh, terrific. Yeah.

So I left feeling miserable about myself. Oh, sure. Yeah. We've all accomplished nothing. We're all leeches on society. I went and ate pancakes inside of a jumbo jack chili cheese fries. Yeah, but how much does she know about spiders? Probably nothing.

Good question. Yeah. She probably knows a lot. She probably does know a lot about spiders. Yeah, that's a very good point. So yeah, that's how I got a science show. And I love it. It's the best.

It's the best job. I get to go around the country and talk to people who are smarter than me. Wonderful. Are you going anywhere weird anytime soon? I don't know where I'm going. I don't mean to call them all weird. No, a lot of them are weird. I don't know where I'm going.

Some of them are racist. Yeah, that's a great, some of them are social debouncers. You never know. It was, no, I don't know where I'm going next,

but I'm back. I'm like home in LA for the first time. Cause I traveled like April through like two weeks ago and I'm home and like, it's really weird to not have a suitcase like next to my front door and not have to be on a plane right now. Like I can't get over how weird it is to be in one place and not be like Should we make plane noises just to make you feel more at home? I would appreciate if you would do that.

Which periodically go bong and you have to fasten your seatbelt. Here's a helicopter. That's. Yeah. I do a lot of Michael Winslow-y. This is a space one. That's a gun. But shooting. Like a laser gun? I don't think she's ever flown on a plane that shoots guns. Well, she should.

Do you like traveling and going to airports? Plorts? Airports. Airports. What about the newly designed airport? I can't. Haven't been there. Yeah.

It's better. More guns? Everyone shoots. You know what the worst thing that happened to me this last leg is I was on an airplane and someone started changing a baby diaper in the seat next to me. Oh, wow. It was more awful than you realize. And I was traveling with Georgia.

And Georgia doesn't have the ability to change her face to not show an emotion. Georgia will show whatever she's feeling. And so Georgia was mad dogging a baby. Oh, she thought it was the baby's fault. I mean, she blamed the baby. I mean, the soiling really was the baby's responsibility. But we were, so Georgia and I fly in a lot of planes together. I flew in the night.

Yeah, I'm always, always, always flying somewhere gross. There's so many microbes. There's so much gross stuff you touch. I guess we don't have any parents in here. What do you do when your baby is changing? Well, I experience, I'm not a parent, but I flew my cat. Yeah, I'm always in a tan Saturn with some kid I just met. But I'm bringing him to his parents.

I flew with my cat because I was bringing him to my dad's. And then I kind of got it because my cat was freaking out, even though I sedated him. He was losing his mind and yelling like a human. Yeah. Like, whoa! Hey, hey. Hey, look at me.

Whiskers. ChrisRabanks.com. Yeah. That's a really useful cat. Oh, what's I saying cat? I mean parrot. Because you're always saying your own website. But yeah, everyone was looking at the cat like not at me.

They weren't really mad at me. I'm like – and so I just joined them. I'm like, yeah, what an asshole. Get a magazine. It got so bad that I – while we were flying because he was panting and then i saw his eyes were like he is having a panic attack and so i unzipped the carrier and just let him walk around in the aisle oh i bet people like what are you gonna land the plane i'm not how did you sedate it um with sedative and they you know you it's important like some cats you sedate them

and they'll die you know if they don't have the right blood so i had to get some blood tests and she's like the vet was like oh yeah totally you can sedate this cat but he also has aids and i'm like that why didn't you say that so i wow was moving the cat and then found it's not the same as people aids but i did i did when he when she said that. I was like, can a person get it? And she's like, no, you can't get AIDS from a cat. And I was like, I knew that.

I just wanted to see if you did. But when I got on the plane, there was some lady with me that had befriended me because she was a cat lady. She's like, don't worry about it. It'll be fine. Don't pay attention to these people. she's like don't worry about it it'll be fine don't pay don't pay attention to these people because right at off at the beginning i'm like he was shitting in the carrier and i'm dumping it in the trash can and people are like but i what else was i gonna do sure so the cat's like walking around already then and then on the plane when he was freaking out i'd let him walk around and then

i said something to the woman when i got on the plane like you know aids cat coming aboard like i told her but everyone everyone kind of heard that i guess because then when he is walking around in the aisle i heard the lady behind me go oh don't pet that cat he has aids which was funny because i'm like oh well i guess everyone's dumb and thinks that you can get aids from a cat. Couldn't it be something? I mean, his fleas burrowed into literally my ankle blood. Yeah. Yeah, and if he had AIDS, you know, there's got to be some weird strain of something.

And you guys share needles. We also. Adrenaline is drug users. I also did a fair amount of fucking that cat. Ah, come on. But you used protection, right? What's that? But you used protection, right? Oh, no, I just clipped his claws, come on. But you used protection, right? What's that? But you used protection,

right? Oh, no, I just clipped his claws. Come on. Why do you have a cat? What was the cat acquisition story? I acquired the cat just, he was in the neighborhood when I lived with another comic, Tig, and she started feeding him, and I was like, if you feed that cat, we're gonna have a cat.

And then, so I had a cat for like seven years. But then I moved into a place where it was too small. I'm like, should I not live here because there's no room for a litter box? Literally wasn't because it's, you know, it's a beach bungalow. I hate so many things I say.

Anyway, so I asked my dad, hey, do you want a cat? Because his cat just died. So I flew him home. Oh, terrific. Incidentally, we just put down the cat I'm talking about. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm sorry. Yeah, cat aids, man. Sure. I like to really bring it down. If you ever do do that, by the way, don't opt. I felt like it would give me closure to go in with. My dad went in with the cat and they like put it in. You're like, hold it.

Don't do that. It's the fucking worst. Is it the worst? No, just drop it off. Coldly. Just be like, kill it. I don't want it. Oh, it's the worst.

Just to feel its soul escape from its body. Yeah, because it's like, I just thought he'd just go and start snoring and curl up. But it was more like a sprawled out, tongue out, eyes open. Bowel evacuate. I closed his eyes with my fingers like in a western or something. Oh, wow. That's too much. There is not a dry eye

in the studio. We're all bawling. No, it was very important. We're all crying tears of blood because we have the stigmata. I mean, the guy's like, well, he's blind. He pees everywhere. Did you know cats pee?

Not to drop science on you. Drop it. Cats pee everywhere when they're just feeling pain. So they'll go in the litter box and it's like, ow, that fucking hurt. I'm not going to pee there anymore. And then they pee on your clean laundry and then your couch and everywhere they pee. I didn't know that. So when a cat is peeing everywhere, it's because they have

a UTI or a bladder or their kidneys are failing. Whatever. I think with this cat, it was all three. And so he's gone now. Are you going to get a cooler cat? That was the problem. Like one with shades. One that's always got shades. More friends.

Oh, God. He was pretty cool. No, I don't not on purpose. I've met that cat a couple times. He was great. He was a really great cat. Yeah, God. He was pretty cool. No, I don't. Not on purpose. I met that cat a couple times. He was great. He was a really great cat. Yeah, he used to poop in my toilet. I didn't teach him that. No. That's fun.

I always feel like he could have done more. I should have put a piano in front of him. You should have challenged him. I don't want to, because that's about the best cat. And that one just, I stumbled upon it, like literally under my car. He was under my car, and I started feeding him. Now I feel like if I went and got a cat on purpose, he'd just be a dick and scratch me and not have personality. It's always such a gamble.

Sure. Yeah. Well, that wrapped about 25 minutes up. Well, listen, let's all think about pets we've lost. And we'll be back with some calls and other stuff on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, my name is Rishi Keshirway, and I have a podcast called Song Explorer.

In each episode, a musician takes apart one of their songs, and piece by piece tells you the story of how it was made. You get an inside look into the creative and technical process, and a unique view of a song by hearing just the drums, or just the guitars, or, say, just a Wurlitzer piano.

If you're a fan of music, if you make music, or if you just like to learn how things are made, come check it out on MaximumFun.org. Thanks. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks,

one of three guests. I'm Allie Spiderfingers Ward. There you go. Stereos Kogodos, agents of three guests. I'm Allie Spiderfingers Ward. There you go. Stereos Kogodos, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. apologist. Hey, I'm right there with you, buddy. It's good, right? It's got some good acting and it's a lot of fun. Exactly. Sorry it's not The Sopranos.

It's good. It's a good show. What else are you doing Tuesday night, 9 p.m., 8 central, only on ABC? I swear I'm not being paid for these blogs. Sounds like you're just, yeah. This is how I normally talk. Asterio, I just need a minute to talk about Tampax tampons. Now with new Marvel Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Sorry. Please don't bring chicken. They absorb extra vodka. Yeah, this is definitely not a place for a chicken fries crossover. Thank you. Oh, we should mention I have a little announcement to make. But first, I think we were talking off mic, Chris, your cat, apparently the one we were talking about, you said had a possum friend who he would eat next to. This is an important detail that you probably should have put in there.

I put out a bowl in the beginning of knowing him and the possum showed up on his own. And I'm like, I got to keep my cat away from him. And then it turned out they were pals and they would just eat together. That's fun. And I knew where he's getting most of his fleas. Yeah. Yeah. And the tiny possum babies that clung to his underside.

Oh, that shit would be so cute. Hey, here's a fun announcement. Starting on October 15th, it's going to be MaxFunWeek. This is not a pledge drive, not a donation drive, but just kind of a week to celebrate all your favorite MaxFun podcasts. There's going to be lots of contests. There's going to be meetups. There's going to be Reddit AMAs. Lots of very, very cool stuff going on on social media for that entire week what you're going to

want to do is you're going to want to subscribe to the MaxFunHQ Twitter feed at MaxFunHQ you're going to want to join the MaxFun Facebook group and yeah and all the details will be up there shortly or you can go to MaximumFun.org slash MaxFunWeek to get all the particulars

yeah lots of great stuff lots of trivia challenges. If you're a if you're a loyal listener prizes, we've got a my brother, my brother and me Dungeons and Dragons contest. That's going to be a hoot. A Judge John Hodgman trivia contest, which will be also a hoot and a rocket ship coloring contest, all sorts of cool stuff. So why don't you go on over to maximum fun dot.org slash MaxFunWeek to get all the particulars.

Yeah, it's just going to be a blast, a fun way to meet other MaxFun people on the internet. Maybe fuck one of them. I don't know. Go for it. Yeah, there's going to be meetups, all sorts of cool stuff, all happening starting October 15th. So, yeah, head over there. Get excited. Get involved.

And, yeah, I think that's all. Nothing on the Jumbotron this week. No ads. If you'd like to sponsor the program, reach out to Teresa at MaximumFun.org. Reasonable rates and a loyal, enthusiastic audience. I'm excited about the crossovers. Are you? Yeah.

It's going to be like when Urkel went on Step by Step. Oh, that's right. So, Sirius, you are – It's going to be that much fun. And when there was a hurricane on Mad About You that also affected the gang from Friends. Exactly. Sirius, you're a – Hurricane Thursday.

You're a writer for International Waters. Oh, yeah. I do that. Favorite MaxFun podcast. Do you guys have anything planned for MaxFun Week? Yes. Yes, we do. We've reached out to a lot of other max fun shows um all the writers are huge fans of all the max fun shows so we're getting some crossovers it's gonna be like uh it's just gonna be a really fun time all our trivia questions are gonna be about max fun we're

gonna have a lot of drop-ins from Max Funn hosts. And Colin, is all of this true? All this stuff? Okay. The producer of International Waters, Colin, is outside. I'm looking at him.

Am I making up the wrong things? But he's nodding enthusiastically. And now he's headbanging. And now he's holding up the devil's side. What is going on

with you, Colin? Somebody's been listening to too much rock music. That's what I think. Well, hey, Max Funn Week starting October 15th. It's going to be a hoot. We'll be back in a second on Jordan, Jessica.

Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, more dogs to play sports. What do you want to do? That's a sound argument. Thank you. That's a sound argument. Asked and answered. From time to time, and by from time to time, I mean basically every episode, we like to reach into our phone bag and pull out some audio letters from you, the listener. Hey, Colin, you've got some calls queued up. Let's hear them. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, and guests.

This is Michael in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and I just got back from the Tulsa Zoo, where while taking my daughter through a petting zoo, which included your typical barnyard animals, goats, sheep, calf, some cute pigs, there also were wallabies. While there, I saw a wallaby stray into a little goat's territory, and that goat was not having it. I saw a goat

headbutt a wallaby. It was amazing. Fly of the raptor, sting of the ass. Wow, yeah, speaking of animal mashups, this one sounds a little less friendly than a cat and a possum who eat next to each other. It has more animosity. Animal animosity.

If there were a Bravo show based on that voicemail, I would DVR it. And then the president of Bravo afterwards has on people from RuPaul's Drag Race to comment on the duck, or the wallaby that was headbutted by the goat. Watch what happens, live animals.

I would watch the shit out of that. Wallaby, you stay. Goat, sashay away. Do you need backstory? Do you need the wallaby to have cheated with the goat's boyfriend or something? I need to know what the wallaby's problem is. First off. Thank you.

He thinks he's so hot because he's got a pouch well let me tell you a pouch ain't got nothing on two little horns am i right thank you thank you thank you uh-huh thank you for applauding me i don't i don't eat wallabies milk yogurt i eat goat's milk yogurt i see who you're siding with i'm on team goat i feel like goats accomplish a lot more delicious Just because of its delicious yogurt? And cheese. Oh, yeah, sure. Does that wallaby even have a visa to be in this country?

Exactly. Right. Taking our jobs, our American petting zoo jobs, that job could be going to a calf or just a college kid who needs a little bit of money. I just think that the wallaby probably has like a really cool accent that's so sexy. Yeah. And the coach would be really jealous. Yeah, sure. Yeah, it's really easy for a Wallaby to just go up to a woman in a bar because it's like,

oh, they love the accent. And the next thing you know, you're cracking open a Faustus. And then you're fucking a Wallaby. I can't tell you how many times this happened to me, guys. I'm just, I'm there. I'm having a drink. The accent's so great. Next thing you know, I'm curled up in his pouch.

I do it for no other reason than to say the line, now that's a knife, when pointing at the Australian's penis. That's also fun. And when you're having wallaby sex, when you go inside the pouch, it's called pouching. Oh, man. I thought it was dipping my Joey in. Getting your Joey into the mucus sack. You were going to say getting your Joey wet, and I'm glad you didn't because that's disgusting.

I was not, but you're right. It would have been disgusting. I'm glad no one said that. Yeah, me too. I was waiting for the down under. Oh, yeah. No one? Sure.

Really? Maybe four years. A missed opportunity. A missed opportunity. Next one? Sure. Really? Maybe four years. A missed opportunity. A missed opportunity. Next time, guys. We should all feel bad. The shrimp in the barbie. Okay.

Oh. There you go. Oh, heavens. Didn't you make some sort of joke about sobbing earlier? I blacked it out. I Vegemite. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Oh, no. Yeah. And write, fuck you. Oh, no. Yeah. And finally, men at work. Anyway. In parentheses, at fucking wallabies. Oh, yeah, that's what the men are working at. They're fucking wallabies.

Hey, let's take another call. Hey, guys. This is Sean in Denver, Colorado, with a momentous occasion. I am on my way driving to my first day at my new job. I'm excited and nervous. And driving down the street, I saw what looked like a teenage girl dressed as Spider-Man. She had the entire outfit minus the hood or mask, just reading a book at the bus stop, just hanging out like it was no big deal.

This was about 7.30 in the morning. And I would really love to know what that day looks like for her. So I'm hoping that that is a good sign for things to come for me as well. Love the show. Thanks, guys. I hope she was reading a book called, like, How to Be Normal. What to do when you're super cool. Actually, did somebody catch the age?

I didn't catch the age. It's a teenage girl. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I feel like he said 16, but that's just maybe what I conjure when someone says teenager. Yeah.

Someone right in the middle. Yeah, interesting. The sad thing is, is if that were L.A., that would be like, and? Yeah. That wouldn't even be at all weird. Sure, yeah.

She would be next to Batman and a stormtrooper. Yeah. The weirdest part about that is she's riding a bus. You're like, who takes the bus? Yeah. Where's your car? Public transit. Yeah.

Get a Nissan or something. Gross. Did you guys- Drive it alone every day. Did you guys- Yeah. Right. Did you guys have a look at me phase in high school where you purposefully wore something weird or did something weird just as part of your high school bullshittery?

I was goth from like 15 to like 24. Really? Okay. I had a period of goth that was like – A little too long? Lasted a little too long. I had like a Magic the Gathering deck and like black lipstick. Okay.

I don't know. What color deck? Was it black? No. It was just like a standard deck i didn't i didn't even have a booster i didn't even have a booster i mean what color were you playing black white oh that's a great question i actually don't remember because you think as a goth you'd play black mono black i know you would you know what you know where that deck is it's in my nightstand next to my bed which is like i think that that's probably why i'm not married i think i need to burn it and then my life starts getting good.

Yeah. But I had like black hair and stuff. I was like, look at how not a cheerleader I am because you probably wouldn't accept me if I tried. I don't know. What was your phase? Oh, so yeah, I was in the drama club. Surprise, surprise.

Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, no, duh. Yeah, and I think maybe the most annoying thing that I did that I wish I could take back was wear bowling shoes to school and carry all of my books in a bowling bag. Oh. Oh, that's the best. Yeah. I wish it hadn't happened. I don't know.

I mean, I guess that's part of being a high school goober. Did you bowl? No, I did not bowl. OK. This was just like I got them from a Goodwill and thought I was a real hoot. So yeah, and swingers had just come out. So bowling shirts were in. Of course.

You went straight to like eccentric divorced dad without – Yeah, that was my look at me. Sirius serious how about you did you oh god a billion of them of course um the one that comes to mind is for a while instead of a book bag i carried around a briefcase oh okay yeah i did i put all my books in there on my lunch and if you google hard enough you can find a picture of me at the National Scrabble Convention holding my briefcase in front of a giant 11 foot by 11 foot tall scrabble board that says, Happy 18th birthday, Asterios, in giant scrabble tiles. Wow.

How many points for virgin? Well, it depends. Are you using any wild cards? Is it bingo? I mean, you know. There's a lot of variables here. Yeah, obviously. And how much depends on how much mana you're going to tap.

How many elven raiders there are. I used to fall asleep. I used to be like falling asleep, and I used to think, how much mana do I have to tap to get up to brush my teeth? That's not real life. I do need to bust out my deck, though. If anyone ever wants to play some Magic the Gathering with me get a little refresher course I will meet you at the Bourgeois Pig somewhere

on a horrible Tuesday afternoon sit on a disgusting couch I played I got into Hearthstone for exactly three days Hearthstone is kind of like a computer version of Magic the Gathering Magic the Gathering haha like I needed to explain

that to our audience. Anyway. You're a bunch of fun dorks, aren't you? Anyway. Oh no, I got into it for three days until I got so mad that I kept getting beaten by a 15 year old after 15 year old that I uninstalled and reinstalled Hearthstone like six times

over the course of three days. And it's like a 40 gigabyte download. So like I would just be waiting. I'd be like, oh, fuck this. I'm uninstalling it. And I'd be like, oh, now I got to download it again. But I also want it now. Exactly.

I finally kicked the habit. Thank God. I found Zach Perlman. Okay. On Hearthstone. Guy we know. He's from the show Mulaney. Okay, sure.

Yeah, he's the funny guy on the show Mulaney. And I just found him on Hearthstone, and I challenged him for a game, and he beat me so badly that that was it. I was like, now I'm too embarrassed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I got beaten by a super successful guy who's funnier than me at a nerd game. And you were the one that challenged him? Of course I was!

Oh, that makes it even worse. Yeah. On the topic of Magic the Gathering in your drawer. Yeah. I was in Silver Lake a couple days ago because there's a comic book store over there that I like to go to, the Secret Headquarters. It's a lovely place. They'll do a lot of special orders for you if you want to. It's not the closest one to my house, but I like to go over there.

It's in a nice neighborhood. It's always fun to visit. And I was over there and saw a couple that I knew who were like eating at the cafe next to the place. And they're like, oh, hey, it's Jordan. Okay. Oh, hey. They're like, hey, I haven't seen you on this side of town a lot. You live over in West Hollywood.

And she was like, well, what brings you to this side of town? Have you taken a lover over here? No. And I was, yeah, I said, taken a lover. And I'm like, well, no. There's just a comic book store here that will special order things for me. So it's the opposite of me. It's the total opposite of what you just said.

Anyway, so, yeah, that happened. It's terrific. Great. Colin, yeah. That happened. It's terrific. Great. Call on her. Do we have any more calls? Hey, that was the last one. If you want to call in, 206-984-4FUN is the number. Put it in your phone when something awesome happens to you.

Give us a call and we'll probably make fun of you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks, one of today's guests. I'm Ali Spiderfingersward. Asterios Koganos, I once met Richard Karn. How was that?

I saw the girdle that he wears when he hosts Family Feud, and it was a horrifying thing that I don't think I can ever forget. He was just like, you saw him changing? I was backstage at the feud. Wow. Speaking of name drops. Sorry. And he unbuttoned his shirt, ripped off his giant girdle,

handed it to a PA, and said, watch this before the next show. And I witnessed all of it. Wow. And it just put Home Improvement in a brand new light. Wow.

Yeah. It was disgusting. Oh, Al Borland. Yep. Do some fucking sit-ups, Al Borland. You don't need that girdle. Jeez Louise.

Chris Fairbanks. Yes. You're a stand-up comic. I am. Are you performing sometime that people can see? Yeah. I'm going to Billings, I think, tomorrow.

There's a Montana comedy festival that I'm going to. But yeah, it's just gigs. Yeah. I've been sticking around town. Sure. Well, hey, if people want to enjoy more of your comedy, they should probably subscribe to the Do You Need a Ride podcast. Yes. Starring you and our buddy Karen Colgariff.

Karen and I take comedians to and or from LAX or Burbank and podcast in the car dangerously. Yeah. I was going to ask, what are the logistics to podcasting while driving? I will start to say something and then I scream fuck because someone just cut us off and I honk and I sometimes get aggressive and it messes with my emotions. Sure.

I think it adds to the show. Yeah. Yeah, there's an element of danger. It is danger. I hope we don't ever kill a comedian. That would be a shame. Especially not Richard Karn. Not kill.

Oh, or Richard Kind. Yeah. Both of them should never die. Karn or Kind. Well, great. You guys have had some good people on die. Carnar-Cant. Well, great. You guys have had some good people on recently. You've had Todd Berry. You've had Andy Kindler.

The yesterday. Your dad. My father, James W. Fairbanks, who used to be a radio person. Oh, there you go. Those are like more PBS-y episodes. We just went to the town dump and dropped off a barbecuer and talked about interviewing Jim Jones. There's a lot of stories he has that I'd never heard. Sounds like a real hoot.

He is a real hoot. Smarter than me. Yeah. Yeah. That's an iTunes, right? Yep. Okay. Indeed.

Allie? Yeah. I'm going to be asking for one of, like, can I be on your podcast three times this month? Please do. Yeah. Please do. A lot of fun. I am on Unique Sweets

on Cooking Channel every Sunday night with Georgia Hardstark. Sure. BFF, partner in crime. We talk about sweets that are in different cities that you are not able to eat

that we have eaten and we talk about how good they are. And you can tell definitively how she feels about it based on her facial expression. Based on her facial expression. Which is always

crystal clear. She wears her face on her sleeve, it sounds like. She wears it on her sleeve.. Based on her facial expression. Which is always crystal clear. She wears her face on her sleeve, it seems like. She wears it on her sleeve. Love that about her. And then I'm on Innovation Nation every Saturday morning on CBS. And that plays in different times in different cities. And I have gotten myself into quite a bit of trouble telling people the wrong times. So just check your listings.

I would check your local listings if I wanted to watch Innovation Nation. It's on very early. For your demographic that listens to this, you would probably still be awake. You would probably still be shoveling bowls of cereal in your mouth and still checking your email and then going to bed. It's on at like 7 in the morning or something gross. Terrific. So yeah, there's that. And then we have a podcast, Slumber Party Valley in Georgia, and that is on the Feral Network. Excellent. You guys have any good guests and any recommendations for where to start?

We have great guests. We just had Paula Tompkins on our live show. That was a wonderful live show. That sounds like a slam dunk. Dan Harmon did a live show with us, too. Same with Giada De Laurentiis, as well as a bunch of non-live guests. So everyone that we hang out with at barbecues that we're like, hey, you want to do the podcast? We do got to go to more weddings, though.

Oh, you got to get a fucking sweet guest. Get a little drunk at a wedding. I didn't even know the bride and groom. I just wanted to get booked. You go to a wedding, get a little drunk, insult someone swarthy. I want full video of your toast or whatever. I'm so embarrassed hearing about it. You're fine. I was awesome.

It was probably great. It was super entertaining. I love it. It was probably great. It was super entertaining. I love it. It was my favorite part of the wedding. That and when Skeletor came out was also. Our friend Nick Weigert does a Skeletor impression and came out and roasted He-Man in the middle of this wedding, and it was fantastic. I have been to some nerdy weddings, as you might expect. I went to one in Texas the other day where the groom fought a robot before they said, I do.

This one fucking blew them all out of the water. Yeah, this was like Comic-Con the wedding. It was awesome. Totally awesome. Asterios, you are a contributor to The Devastator, a very hilarious comedy magazine. Yeah, I'm one of the guys that runs The Devastator comedy magazine. Jordan's written for it. It's awesome.

And we're expanding. So we're now called Devastator Press. guys that runs uh the devastator comedy magazine jordan's written for it it's awesome and uh we we're expanding so we now we're now called devastator press we put out a lot of funny comedy books comic books and things like that like we're kind of a group that like is trying to help like written comedy get out there you know like um text you like text yeah we're huge fans of text and i wrote a little mini comic that i want to plug it's called actually jordan i think you'd like it it's called the enemies of 20 something mega man and yeah i do like that it talks about all the villains mega man runs into in his mid to late 20s like nonchalant cocaine use man casually brings up his celebrity friend man uh unsolicited diet advice man and it tells you all their strengths and weaknesses

and how to fight these evil robots. And you can get it at devastatopress.com slash megaman. Sounds like a lot of fun. And you're a writer for the International Waters podcast. Oh, yeah. And you've got to listen to International Waters. It's awesome. Dave Holmes is like the funniest guy.

I love – Yes, Dave Holmes is the host of the program. He's terrific. And yeah, lots of great and lots of great guests. Yeah, definitely. Terrific. That's on iTunes. That's at MaximumFun.org.

Guys, thank you so much for coming and doing this show. Thank you, Jordan. I appreciate it. I had a lot of fun. Me too. And I think that it was fun. Yeah. Good job saying words, you guys.

Yeah. Thank you. You guys too. Nice words, dudes. Nice words. We all said some words today. Well, thanks a bunch. Colin Anderson filling in for Sunny D on the boards this week.

Sunny D edits the show. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design from Light in the Attic Records. Hey, hit us up on Facebook. Go to the MaxFun Reddit and discuss this program. You can do that on the forum. Hashtag it JJ. Go on Twitter. So many fun ways to talk about the show with your friends.

We'll see you next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go.