Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 348: Yucky Alvin with Tim Kalpakis and Mike Mitchell

Episode Date: October 26, 2014

Tim Kalpakis and Mike Mitchell from the sketch group The Birthday Boys join Jordan and Jesse for a discussiobn of childhood fears, In Living Color, and Jesse's newest license plate sighting.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Los Angeles weather update. I wore a coat to work this morning. I wore a sweatshirt. It's a little, it's a, what would you call it? Foggy? Not foggy. A little misty? Misty. Yeah, a little overcast's a, what would you call it? Foggy? Not foggy. A little misty. Misty.

Yeah, a little overcast and misty. There you go. I'd say it's a misty, moisty morning. Sure. That's all for the Los Angeles weather update this week. We're in agreement. Yeah. It's supposed to get hot later this week.

Pretty steamy about that. Well, it's, you know, that's why you layer. That's a really good point. I should think about layering. Yeah. Consider layering. Yeah. You know what? Consider layering. One of the things I do is I look at the – I do – I'm really careful about looking at the weather report to decide whether or not I should wear a shirt.

Yeah. You know, over 70, no. Under 70, absolutely. I'm not afraid to wear a shirt to work, Jordan. Check it out. Check out the fashion plate over here, wearing shirts. Now, at what temperature do you just wear the fishnet? The fishnet shirt or just the full body fishnet?

I guess the mesh shirt. The mesh shirt? The mesh shirt, that would be- What's the ideal temp for a mesh shirt? The ideal temperature, well, that would be a long, hot summer. Something in New York City in the 70s. Sure. A summer of Sam kind of situation?

Yeah, exactly. A summer of Sam kind of situation. Yeah, exactly. A summer of Sam type temperature is where you want to get the fish net. Now the full bot, the fish net body stocking, that's the temper, ideal temperature for that's going to be hot and heavy. Okay. So if it's hot and heavy, you want to go with the full, full body, body stocking. Now, what about when you're doing roller Derby? When you're doing roller Derby?

Well, you're going to wear, you're going to want to perish to wear a pair of short shorts over your full body body stocking. Okay. And probably, you know what? I should be writing this down. This is all helpful. These are good life hacks is what these are. I wish I could remember what this woman's name was because I'm a real dick. I talked to her for about 20 minutes at the meetup last night.

But we had a max fun meetup. Tons of fun. The night before we recorded this. And I met a cool lady. I'm thinking to myself, this lady's there. She's got, you know, like a jean jacket on, you know, got a variety of accessories. She sounds like a young tough. I would stay away from her.

Did she offer you drugs? She was a street tough. Okay. There's no doubt about that. She looked like something out of, if I could use like New York in the 70s. A Summer of Sam kind of lady. Yeah. Like a jean jacket and a drug selling. And so

she takes off her jean jacket. Good looking lady. Sharp tack. Smart lady. Takes off her jacket. Boom. Max Fun t-shirt. Sleeves cut off. Oh sure. Fucking badass. Yeah. Max Fun t-shirt. Sleeves cut off. Oh, sure. Fucking badass. Yeah.

It was awesome. Did you accept her offer of drugs? Oh, yeah. Cool. She gave me uppers, downers. Ooh, nice. Lefties, righties. You mean those drugs that turn your opinions more conservative?

Yeah. You pop a pill and you're like, you know what? Maybe we should go back to the gold standard. Let's bring our guests into this. These are libertarities, I guess. You know them from the smash hit television show and touring stage program, The Bidet Boys. Tim and Mitch, gentlemen, welcome to the program. Yeah, smash hit.

My God, what a whirlwind it's been. What a year, huh, Mitch? I know. It's crazy. It's constantly. Yeah, smash hit. My God, what a whirlwind it's been. What a year, huh, Mitch? I know. It's crazy. It's constantly. Beatlemania. You know what? The only thing I can compare it to is, do you guys remember when In Living Color came

on? And all of a sudden, everything was Fly Girls everywhere. Everywhere you went, everyone was dancing. You guys are like the contemporary Fly Girls. You're like J-Lo and one of the other Fly Girls. One of the others. You guys are like J contemporary fly. You're like J-Lo and one of the other fly girls. One of the others. You guys can pick who's J-Lo. You guys are like J-Lo and Swifty.

I think I'm J-Lo. We could just probably make up some fake fly girl names. Legendary Hollywood agent Swifty Loosa. Yeah, that's right. The man looks good in some cutoffs and thigh highs. I was so ready for the fly. When I tuned into In Limit Color, I wanted the fly girls off. I wanted to see the comedy.

You know what I mean? You were not on board for the fly girls. No, I was not on board for the fly girls at all. I wanted to see. Yeah, typical guy. Get these attractive ladies off of my TV. I wanted to see what Fire Marshall Bill said, too. I was very interested in Fire Marshall Bill. Ultimately, Mitch, you're all about that treble. I want to see what Fire Marshal Bill's like, too. I was very interested in Fire Marshal Bill.

Ultimately, Mitch, you're all about that treble. I'm all about the treble. The bass lead me out of that stuff. Yeah. Yeah, Fire Marshal Bill, just an icon in comedy. Let's not forget Homie the Clown. Homie the Clown is just a... I loved every one of those fucking things.

Me, too. I love Fire... I think if I tried to watch Fire Marshal Bill as an adult, I know that Jim Carrey's very... I think I might become physically sick from the exertion of watching it. But as an eight-year-old or nine-year-old,

that was the greatest thing I'd ever seen in my life. Well, for me in my house, that was around the time that watching Fox was kind of off-limits. You know what goes down on the Fox network. Oh, yeah.

They're rude, disrespectful to adults. They're deconstructing the sitcom. Yeah, it was the Tude network. Sure. My mom would let me watch The Simpsons, but Married with Children was off limits. She'd come in and turn off the TV. I couldn't watch Elle. Well, there's so much back talk on that show.

There's so much back talk. How did you feel about Rock? Chris Rock? No, Rock, ROC, the television program starring Charles S. Dutton. Oh, of course. Famous comedy murderer. Charles S. Dutton murdered someone? He did murder someone.

Great. Then he reformed and starred on the show Rock. Huge fan. If you're asking me, starred on the show Rock. Huge fan. If you're asking me, my honest opinion, huge, huge fan. You know what I think is interesting? At some point, somebody at the Fox network saw Charles S. Dutton, reformed murderer and Yale School of Drama graduate Charles S. Dutton perform in like a Broadway revival of Joe Turner's Come and Gone and then was like, God, we got to get this guy a family sitcom.

This is where it's at. This profoundly serious man. David Alan Greer was also a Yale drama guy. He was. That's what Fox was gobbling them up. Well, I think probably both of them at some point in their classical training career were probably Shakespearean clowns. Oh, yeah. We're talking Bottom the Weaver.

Any of the mechanicals, frankly. Sure. All your other favorites. They should have included them in the mashup, the Family Guy Simpsons mashup that just recently happened. Yeah, missed opportunities. Should have included the Cats of Rock. Or the Cats of A Midsummer Night's Dream. What are you?

That as well. I think so many more comedies could have been mashed into that episode. I think so, too. Yeah, more comedies. Jesse, we were- Wait a minute. Aren't you Chris Elliott from Get a Life? If it isn't all of Herman's head.

The Honeymooners, just like everybody. Fibber McGee. Our American Cousin, the play Lincoln was watching when he got shot. That was a comedy, right? The birds from the birds. That was a terror film, Jesse. No, not the film, the play. Oh, the play.

Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Classical comedy. When Tim and Mitch got here, the Birthday Boys are on tour. Yeah. And obviously, we were talking about groupies and backstage antics, wet Ds. If you think what's going on on the stage is crazy, where do you see it? Back of the stage.

Oh, man. I really hope you have a reality comedy that follows the birthday boys. Yeah. Well, most of our backstage antics are backstage is where we post the running order of the sketches in the show, and we're all looking at it and really stressing out about getting into our next costume. Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, ultimately, that's why your sidekick, Chewy, is the real star of

the behind-the-scenes show. Of course, because we're not interesting at all. The hit show after birthdays. But Jesse, you said you wanted me to remind you to tell a story about groupies. Yeah. I have one thing about Chelsea Handler though now that that's come up. Sure. I like to look at the

San Francisco newspaper on the internet to follow the travails and adventures of my favorite local sports clubs. And on the front page of the San Francisco newspaper on the internet is just a big box with gossip headlines. And one of them was about Jason Biggs peeing on Chelsea Handler. Jesus Christ.

What? Yeah. What the fuck, right? Like sexually? It's a joke. Huh. Apparently, Chelsea Handler has a yacht. Why wouldn't she?

Of course, Jason Biggs was there hanging out with her. Brian, please confirm that it's Jason Biggs. I'm not defaming Jason. It is, okay. Thumbs up for it is Jason Biggs. Apparently, Chelsea Handler was swimming and Jason Biggs just peed on her. Famous rascal. And she-

Prankster. She enjoyed it. She thought it was very funny, which, I mean, I don't know if I would have it in me to find someone peeing on me funny, but to be fair, it is kind of funny that he peed on her. It is. I mean, I think if he's- he got very, very famous for having sex with a pie. Right. So then probably all of his jokes for the last 20 years have involved his penis in some way.

And I guess, yeah, right, you have to go up from that somehow. I mean, that's his defining moment. So, I mean, anything else you do that's less crazy than pie sex just seems like kind of a whatever. Yeah. So, you know, the man knows how to raise the stakes. He knows how to pee on one of 50 cents on again, off again, love interest. That's something that I don't – I mean, isn't that news that you don't want to – like I feel like that's something we have to hear now. That's the problem with this box.

So when I visit sfgate.com, the website of the San Francisco Chronicle, I just want to click on Giants or 49ers. But what happens is there's this box. It's a big box on the screen, and it will say some shit that even for me, a person who is nothing but contempt for the world of celebrity gossip, if it just says on the front page of the newspaper, Jason Biggs peed on Chelsea Handler,

you have to look into that. You have to unpack that. You can't just let it be. Colin Kaepernick can wait. I got to find out about why Jason Biggs peed on Chelsea Handler. Chewy wrote the article, right? He did, yes. I get very proud if I don't click on a thing like that.

I have that moment all the time where I'm like, ooh, I want to click on that. And then if I don't, then I'm like, see, I'm one of the good ones. I saw it and I moved on. You're like, Tim deserves a little treat today. Then you have a skinny cow ice cream sandwich. Then I'll just sit there and eat the whole box of skinny cows for the rest of the day. But Tim, be honest. You deserve it.

If you see Jason Biggs peed on Chelsea Handler, you've got to click on it. I would definitely click on that. Not just because someone peed on Chelsea Handler, but because Jason Biggs specifically peed. Like if Chewy peed on Chelsea Handler, I don't click on that. Oh, yeah. If it was one of the Jonas Brothers, eh. Nah. Yeah. I mean, if it's Justin Long, I might click on it.

More so even to just figure out how it happened. I mean like a... How they got in that position. How they got in that position more so than anything. Are they romantically linked? Or was it like a bathroom accident of sorts? You know what I like about it is that it is a prank

that's also like, it seems so linked to celebrity decadence. It's like, well we we've done everything else. Let's start pissing on each other. Like, you know, it's like the rumors of all the men Clark Gable fucked. It doesn't seem like that was necessarily related to homosexuality, but just kind of like a, well, fucked everything else, you know, of like. And I think it seems like that also has to do with celebrity pranks apparently. Yeah, I think so.

On the subject of groupies, on my way to work today, I'm driving in my car. Gentlemen, I drive a Jaguar XJR. It's a European luxury sedan. Love it. So I'm driving down the Highway 110 here in Los Angeles and there is this – Ooh, 110. Yeah. The there is this. Ooh, 110. Yeah. The first freeway.

It's a Los Angeles luxury freeway. So in front of me is an ivory-colored Volkswagen New Beetle convertible. Pretty nice. Already, I'm thinking this is pretty good. This is a high roller. Yeah, exactly. This is somebody that knows how to live. If it's not a baller, it's at least a shot caller.

You got it. So custom license plate on this thing says G-R-star-U-P-I-E. Groupie. Spelled with a star. Oh. So I know. So the star was a U? The star was an O.

Okay. G-R. Can you spell it again? Sorry. Oh. So the star was a U? The star was an O. Okay. G-R, can you spell it again? Sorry. Yeah. G-R-J-O-R-D-A-N-I-S-D-U-M-B. Okay. Hey. Oh, that lady. How dare she? Oh, boy. So needless to say, I'm like a car and a half behind her and to the side of her. Oh, yeah. I'm thinking, who is she? Who is this groupie star? You know what I mean? Or star groupie.

One or the other. I mean, she could be just really into Neil deGrasse Tyson. Yeah. one or the other. I mean, she could be just really into Neil deGrasse Tyson. Yeah. So I'm looking and I'm thinking like, I just want to know what kind of person this is. Or just like balls of gas. Right.

Just gaseous, heavenly bodies. Right. And I'm like, I'm really consumed by wonder at who this woman is that's driving this car that would put Groupie on her Volkswagen new Beetle convertible license plate with a star. So finally, traffic is such that I pull up next to her. She has majestic teased hair, tattoo sleeves, and is a dude. Wow. A 50-ish year old dude.

Nice. Which means that this is definitely someone from Poison who is borrowing his wife's car. Right? Maybe they have their other car is like a Land Rover or something and she needed it to go to Costco. Yeah. Exactly. And then he's like, oh, fine., and she needed it to go to Costco. Yeah, exactly. And then he's like, oh, fine.

I'll take the groupie star. Yeah. It's funny. If you marry a groupie, then the license plate should be wife. Yeah, that's a good point. It's no longer groupie. It's over. Where would you put the star?

The W and the F. Star I, star E. Then wouldn't it just read like star I, star E? Yeah, it would be a mess. Don't get me wrong. Oh, no one would get it. It would be terrible. And so is any family that involves a star married to a groupie.

Exactly. So it would be truly, some sort of pre-Christian creation myth? Yeah, that should be one of the thousand faces of the hero. Sure, yeah. The mighty Gilgamesh burst forth from the center of the earth. I think it's fair to say that it should also be a subreddit. Oh, yeah. For you guys, last week on the show, we talked about the subreddit DragonsFuckingCars.

Oh. Which features some exquisitely rendered DragonsFuckingCars. Just anything you want to see, you can see. That's amazing. The world is beautiful. Yeah, but also a toilet. That's a good point. With that, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. We say all the horrible things about having kids so you don't have to. And you can come across as the magical vessel Pinterest perfect parent society wants you to be. One Bad Mother, because this is hard and nobody gives a s***. Check us out on iTunes and MaximumFun.org. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love boy detective. Tim Kalpakis, birthday boy. Mike Mitchell, another birthday boy. Yeah, two out of seven.

It's not bad. Yeah. It's pretty good. It's about as many as will fit in here. You asked for all seven today and the other five refused? Yeah, we said, can we please get seven guests on our chat show? We're like, get us Jefferson. Publicist is like, sorry, he's busy.

You could have gotten, I'm a bigger birthday boy. You probably could have gotten two of the smaller ones for me. Yeah, that's a good point. We could have two birthday boys sitting on each other's shoulders with a trench coat over their head. We'll all go to an R-rated movie. All of the birthday boys peeking their heads around a door frame. All right. Now that you look like an adult, let's go see The Equalizer.

Something magical has been happening. You know it's the Halloween season. Do you guys know this? Yeah, yeah. I've heard, yeah. It's probably the spookiest time of year. Definitely the ookiest. Oh, don't doubt about that.

Yeah, you can write that down in pen, my friend. Already did. Sharpie on a football. Collectible. Sure. It's going to end up a little ooky, though. Yeah. My son. So I have a son who is recently three years old.

And he's, with each passing week, he gains more and more self-awareness and sort of a connection to the world around him. The thing that he has gained recently is fear. He is not generally fearful. However, there are a few specific things that he's afraid of. You know what fear is great for? What's that? Self-preservation. That's a really good point.

Thanks. Yeah. I want to show you the silver lining on this. I don't want, the last thing I want is for this kid to get eaten by a cougar. So let's talk, let's address some of the things that he's afraid of okay number one they number one i want to clarify all the things he's afraid of are things you can see out the windows of our house there's no he can leave our house he's perfectly fine but if he's looking out the windows of our house he's got a few ideas of things he's afraid of. Number one, lights that look like a nose.

That's something. Like car headlights? Like lights on other houses in our neighborhood. Like we sort of live at the lower end of a hill in a little valley. So you can sort of see across the valley to the other side of the hill. And then maybe the porch lights of another house or the TV in somebody's house. He says, oh, daddy, I'm afraid those lights look like a nose. I feel like lights are scarier than noses.

Like there's more – if a light is coming at you, it could be danger. But if a light looks like a nose – Is it like a monster house sort of situation? Like he sees the... That the light nose might be part of a bigger creature. Okay. Also, would you be afraid of a nose that was on fire and thus lit? Oh, yeah.

So that is genuinely kind of scary, right? Yeah, no, he's right. He's right. So that's... All right. Founded. That is a founded fear, I think. Okay.

Okay. What else you got? Number two, one of our neighbors, in fact, the women who live in the house that we used to rent, which is visible from the back of our house, have on their sort of upper floor porch, a flag. And Simon will go up to the window and say, Daddy, I'm afraid I can see the flag. An American flag? I'm going to say maybe it's a California flag. Okay.

Once in a while, we have a big California flag in our television parlor. And sometimes he will point out the bear and pretend to be afraid of it. But this flag he is sincerely afraid of, I think because of the fact that it's too droopy. That's my best guess. That it's too droopy. So that's thing number two that he's afraid of. Thing number three that he's afraid of, on the other side of our house, there is a neighbor who, in their backyard, which part of our house overlooks, has, you know, like a sunbrella, like a cafe umbrella that has been folded up, was not in use at the moment, and covered with a garbage bag to keep it protected from the elements.

To Simon, that's like a... Simon's not afraid of vampires, but it's as though it were a real live vampire right there. That's the extent to which Simon... And he will go up to the window and look at it and freak himself out. In that case, does he know it's an umbrella that looks like a vampire, like with the light and the- He knows that it's an umbrella. He's afraid of it as an umbrella.

I want to be absolutely clear. It sounds like the unifying trait of all of these fears is something that looks like something other than what it's supposed to be. Yeah. An object should look like that object. Sure. Like you would probably, I would imagine the most terrifying thing to him would be a round hot dog. If you really wanted to scare the shit out of him, just give yourself a round hot dog.

Or really any of the props from Carrot Top's repertoire. Oh, sure, yeah. Well, this is just an ordinary toilet. It's a desk. It's a business desk. I see where he's coming from. I was kind of freaked out when you were telling us about all these things. I think each of those things... I should mention that you have turned

white as a ghost. I'm terrified right now. Is it that sort of thing of at three years old, I can't remember what I was afraid of, but spooky shapes or something, or amorphous blobs are kind of a scary thing. Well, there's one last thing that he's afraid of. Ooh. And this is something that sometimes will come up when we're out and about.

Like when we're going for a drive, sometimes it'll come up. Sometimes a walk, sometimes at home. So all- Any situation. Any situation. Basically- Not a swim. come up, sometimes a walk, sometimes at home. Any situation. Basically everywhere. Not a swim. Not in the grocery store. It's called Rat Trees. I don't know what it is.

He's unable to describe rat trees. It has something to do with trees. I don't know if it has anything to do with rats. I don't know if he knows what a rat is, honestly. But he is terrified of rat trees. And, yeah, I have no – Like he hasn't pointed to one and says, oh, that's what I'm – No, he says, dad, I'm afraid of rat trees.

No example. Is this like something that one of the other children at school brought up? Do they have a – is this a tradition from another culture that I'm not aware of? I mean, Jesse, I don't want to like criticize your parenting. I mean, there's nothing worse than backseat parenting. Yeah. But I don't think kids should learn about rat trees on the playground. I think they should learn about rat trees at home.

You know what? Simon's going to the school of hard knocks. That's true. Literally, we pay tuition and everything. I don't know why they named it that. They should have named it Horace Mann or something after George Washington. After a great American

or an educational innovator. Bad name. But it's good that he's learning three-card Monty. It is. Rattry sounds disgusting. Yeah. It is. It is. Rat tree sounds disgusting. Right? That is freaky.

Yeah. Rat tree. What is that? What if it's a squirrel? Maybe he saw a squirrel in one certain type of tree, and then from that point forward, that type of tree is a rat tree. But he knows what a squirrel... I'm very confident that he knows what a squirrel is, much more so than I am that he knows what a rat is.

Maybe a squirrel lost all its fur and was on a tree or something and looked like a rat. That's fucked up. That is kind of scary, actually. That is fucked up. Take it back. Take it back. My kid listens to this show. Why are you? Yeah, so that's spooky.

I know. Sounds spooky. Yeah, so that's spooky. Yeah, it sounds spooky. They're all – it's cool that he can identify them and at least there's the logic of – well, not really with rat trees. But with the other ones that something was off. So there was like an unknown. I feel like I remember when I was your son's age, the thing I was afraid of was E.T.

E.T. is fucking terrifying when you're little. Especially the scene where he screams. Yeah, that's like very, very scary. And then my brother had a little stuffed E.T. doll, and I loved Alvin and the Chipmunks, but I called E.T. Yucky Alvin. And if I saw that thing, I'd be like, oh, that's- You still call E.T. Yucky Alvin. Yeah. Yucky Alvin colon the extraterrestrial. Yeah. And I watchvin colon the extraterrestrial. Yeah.

And I watch the movie every week. But then when I type it into my Apple TV, it's hard to find because I put Yucky Alvin. Right. Well, plus you have to type it in with a remote control if you don't have a keyboard attached to that. Exactly. It just takes a long time to type that in. I got to get back to my web TV. Remember, that was a good one.

Oh, yeah. Sure. You can surf the web on your TV. I feel like you see a web TV in, like, a hotel every now and then. Yeah. And, like, an on-demand thing that you control with an N64 controller that just got put there in 2002. Hotels that are about to be demolished. Yeah.

Mitch, do you remember your childhood fears? Oh, yeah. Well, my sister and my godparents' sons used to mess with me all the time. And I remember when I have this very vivid dream. Tim makes fun of me all the time because I believe in ghosts. And he's just going to speak. And specters. And specters.

What about ghouls? Ghosts, ghouls, specters, all of them. Wraiths. Wraiths. Wraiths, it's newer, but yeah, I believe it too. Do you believe in goblins, but solely for the alliteration? Oh, yeah. I actually was looking up goblins the other day. He's forcing that one for the alliteration.

It's kind of a sellout-y move. I had a very vivid dream of – we had gone to Disney World. I was, I think, in second grade. And we got a Mickey Mouse doll and – or, you know, stuffed animal. And I remember waking up and the arm of the doll grabbing my arm. And it was such a vivid – like it was so real that i still question whether it happened i was like i mean it didn't happen sure but i was it was the it was i feel like it might have been one of those like waking nightmares or something you know like uh my friends have dreams where

you wake up and you can't sleep paralysis where you wake up and you can't move and then they they'll see like a devil or something or like a demon. Like a shadow creature. A shadow creature, yes. When you say your friends, like more many of your friends? Two of my friends. All of your friends? All of my friends. So my two friends have had

shadow people dreams. I've had a couple shadow people dreams. Have you really? Oh god. What happens in shadow people dreams? I mean it's just the thing where you it's a kind of hybrid dreams. I've had a couple shadow people dreams. Have you really? Oh god. What happens in shadow people dreams? It's just the thing where you it's a kind of hybrid sleep awake state and it just

seems like there's a shadow man in your corner and it's hard to move. It's real scary. I feel like I don't want to think about what the potential supernatural explanation is so I'm like I don't want to think about what the potential supernatural explanation is. So I'm like, eh, this is just my – there's a pheromone reason for this. Moths are causing this somehow.

This is because of that infection you get from cat poop. Yeah, exactly. I've probably got that. My friend Justin saw one where he saw a demon and then my friend Dan saw one where he saw an old woman at the foot of his bed in the dark. Dan saw this? Dan Tufo saw this. Dan Tufo? That's scarier than the old woman?

Tim, just, what about you, Jordan? What were you afraid of as a kid? I was afraid of the rec center pool had a little hole at the bottom that was always, like, sucking in. I was afraid of going down the hole. And you could, like, when you stepped on it with your foot, you could feel it suck a little bit. Oh. Yeah. That was a big thing, I feel like. Oh.

Yeah. That was a big thing, I feel like. I felt like back in the day they used to scare kids about getting your foot caught in the bottom of a pool so much. Yeah. I feel like that doesn't happen ever anymore. But it used to be a big thing of like you get your foot caught in the filter and then you are stuck there and you drown. Sure. It seems like the type of thing that maybe happened to one kid so then it became a thing that you teach to kids that that's really dangerous. But what they don't tell you is that original kid was on PCP.

Yeah, exactly. So that was probably – but I think like all of these fears that we're talking about, I was kind of attracted to the suction. So you didn't think you wanted to fuck the hole? Definitely. Oh, yeah. Is it something that's carried over into your adult years, too? No, not a fan of suction anymore. Don't care for it?

I don't even vacuum. That's weird because I'm actually still dating my town pool. Stayed together that whole time. Oh, that's nice. You guys are long distance while you're out here? Yeah, it's hard. It's tough to keep those going, you know? I gave Jordan a seal of meal for Christmas last year,

and then I walked into his local Goodwill. I saw it right there on the shelf with my note still attached. It was just weird that for my birthday, the note said, I'll kill you. Now that I look back at it, I was on a kick of just writing that. See you soon.

I'll kill you. I was afraid of junkies and winos. Just basically anybody. I feel like this is barely a thing anymore, but a junkie or a wino with a real herky-jerky walk. Oh, sure. You don't want to like a sort of – maybe it was because – When you do it, it's funny. Maybe it was because it was like 1985 or whatever.

And so the people who were stuck jive-walking from 1975 had now become junkies and winos in 1985. So they were jive-walking, but they were doing it inelegantly because of their addiction. Do you think in the 70s just sober people were jive walking all around the town? Absolutely. I've seen Soul Train. People were putting a little kick in their step. This is not efficient. If you're walking to work or something and you're jive walking to work, you're going to be late.

I was literally afraid of people in 70s clothes. You leave a little early. You leave a jive walking to work, you're going to be late. I was literally afraid of people in 70s clothes. You leave a little early. You leave a jive walk buffer. But when I say that, I was sincerely afraid of people in 70s clothes because so many of them were junkies and winos in my neighborhood. Like bell-bottom pants, polyester shirts, both make me uncomfortable because they remind me of junkies. Or you're afraid you'll have to go to a lame theme party.

Yeah. So that and specifically them breaking into the house, which did happen one time. So I'm going to call that one founded. Yes. I'm going to say also airplanes that were going overhead that I couldn't see because I was worried that they were invaders or going to bomb us. You have like older, like as a child you had older men fears. I feel like I fear that stuff now more. And the deficit.

I'm afraid of, of course, just how Tinder is going to warp my children. Sure. Or I was as a four-year-old. I anticipated Tinder. I was also afraid of mummies. Oh, man, was also afraid of mummies. Oh, man, was I afraid of mummies. What mummy thing did you see? I don't know.

I don't remember. I don't think I ever saw a mummy thing. Yeah. It's interesting because I feel like, you know, the only popular mummy thing of our generation is Brendan Fraser's The Mummy Movies. And that didn't come until later. Yeah. I mean, it's funny because I was not afraid of Wolfman's, not afraid of Dracula's, only mummies. Yeah.

And I- Do you think there's a little racism in there, Jesse? I'm against pale-skinned North Africans. Yes. Yeah. I guess it makes sense to be afraid of mummies because that's the real one. You know, there really are mummified people

on the planet. That's true. See, mummies have always had like a bad, a bad rap. I didn't want to say the word rap. I just think of another word.

Mitch, okay, here, let's go back. He had a really good rap. Let's go back. I don't want to, I don't want to direct you here. I don't want to give you a line reading,

but I feel like you should go back and say that again and just fucking sell the pun. Just sell the pun. I think we'd all love it. I feel like mummies used to have a bad rap. Yes. Wrap them up. And now make your point. They were the, like, even as a kid or whatever, I felt like they were like, they would get a piece of their cloth stuck somewhere and then they would just unravel and be bones.

Sure. Like, in Scooby-Doo or something, they would be the first monster that, like, fell and died or whatever. Like, you never, until Brendan Fraser's The Mummy, that's when they really. We learned that mummies were a legitimate threat. Yeah. Tim, I question your premise that mummies were the only ones that were real because what about Draculas? Have you ever seen the documentary Dracula Dead and Living? I dismissed that.

I didn't realize it was a documentary. I'll go back and watch it. There you go. It originally aired on PBS. Proof positive. As part of the American experience. I'm interested in seeing Dracula Untold For the origin story of

Finally someone will tell The story of Dracula I went to Universal Halloween Horror Nights And there was a Dracula Untold maze That was very good and it kind of got me To want to see Dracula Untold Even though I know it's going to be bad

The maze was so fun I want to flush out the experience I had in the maze Oh you want to see Dracula even though I know it's going to be bad. The maze was so fun. I want to flush out the experience I had in the maze. Oh, you want to get some of the back story. Yeah, exactly. I heard that in the movie Dracula gets bit from a rat tree. That's the origin of vampirism. I was trying to figure out why mummies are dead, why mummies are scary. Excuse me.

I was talking with my wife, and I said that it was- This is what we call pillow talk. Yeah. I said that it was because they were- There's that, like, can I set the scene, Jesse? Please do. You know those times in, like, a PG-13 couple, or a PG-13 movie when a couple is just done making love, and you won't see the lovemaking, but you see them kind of like fall back at the same

time. There's a layer of sweat glistening on them. Just kind of an exhausted kind of panting. And then you say... Why are mommy so scared? I think it's because they're dead. So I thought it was because they were dead, which none of the other ones are. And I know you can say Draculas are undead, but I don't think that qualifies.

And they're less scary because they're loving it. They're having a blast. Oh, yeah. I think, and then Teresa said, oh, I think it's because they don't have faces, which had never occurred to me but now freaks me out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. In like a – in a Scooby-Doo cartoon, there would be a little crack in the, you know, cloth. Oh, yeah.

The bandages would kind of – And there would be eyeballs in there or something. Yeah, yeah. Make up the face in some way. Which they weren't too scary. I think I still – of all the mummies and wolfmen, which I'm not currently afraid of because I'm very brave, the one thing that would – the one haunting thought that I have about any of those is about mummies. And it's the thing that I learned, which is if you were a pharaoh in Egypt and you got mummified and put in a tomb, you brought all your servants with you. and put in a tomb, you brought all your servants with you.

And that's a really, like, weird, scary kind of thing to think about is that along with King Tut, who's famous, there were, like, you know, a dozen people who were also in there that we don't ever talk about were just dead bodies. It must suck to, like, start working for the pharaoh around when he turns, like, 80. It's like, well, a couple more years, I'm going to be buried in a crypt. Pretty soon, I'm going to have honey where my blood should be. Did you just – my roommate saw a picture of – I think it was King Tut or something. And they kind of made what he would look like today.

And he was, like, very goofy. Like, I feel like the bones were in the wrong place. He has kind of a larger chest area. It looks very womanly. And then his foot was crooked. And I was like, were the bones just crooked? Did it not occur to them to put the bones back together correctly? That's what I want.

I really truly wonder. They didn't account for thousands of years of bones decaying. Just like, oh, he probably looked like this with skin. No. He was very goofy looking. I was like, people worshipped this man. He didn't have any muscles at all. No.

It was bones and a layer of virtual skin. It was bones and a layer of virtual skin. You know what I think is something that's scarier about mummies than your wolfmans and your vampires? What is that, Jordan? Indeterminate power set and unclear method of killing them. Yeah. Because Dracula, like, okay, well, we could probably find some way to lure it out into the sunlight, you know, stake through the heart. You can improvise that.

You can build up a system for a Dracula. Sure, exactly. Yeah, Wolfman, it's just kind of a once-a-month thing, and I think we've all got a little silver laying around that we can jab him with. At the end of the day, you know, if you don't, just once a month, get to the country house. Sure. You know what I mean? Head out to Cabo.

Go to Palm Springs. Exactly. Have a little staycation. Are you saying if you're a wolfman or if you're afraid of the wolfman? If you're afraid of the wolfman. But if you're the wolfman, I mean, I say go to Cabo, you'll probably get a movie out of that. Wolfman goes to Cabo? Yeah.

It's like something Gilbert Gottfried would introduce on USA's Up All Night. But come on, right after Duckman. But yeah, I think like mummy, I mean, I guess there's the classic like grab the loose bandage and just pull until they unravel. And then they turn to dust. But I don't know that there's like, you know, there's not a lot of precedent for that. I guess that's the cartoon way to dispose of them. But like actually, is that, would that work? I don't know.

Can I suggest something that we might think about? One of the ways that they preserved mummies was to fill their body cavities and their veins with honey. So what if you could get a poo bear in there? He'd get his head stuck right in there. Just on a side note, does Duckman rank at all in your scary monsters?

Duckman is real I know some people say that he's just a fairy tale cooked up to scare kids but Duckman is real my friend and he was voiced by Jason Alexander Jason Alexander turns into Duckman once a month yeah exactly under the light of the crescent moon

we'll be back in just a second I'm Jordan Jesse Gow once a month. Yeah, exactly. Under the light of the crescent moon. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Tim Kalpak is birthday boy. Mike Mitchell, also birthday boy. I recently received a gift in the mail that I'd like to brag about. Two gifts. First we have Tim bragging about his bravery. Now Jesse with his random gifts. I would like to thank the listener who kindly sent me a Zune in the mail.

She had some Zunes in her drawer. She sent me one of them because I had posted on Twitter that I was thinking about buying a Zune on eBay. Because I wanted a place to keep all my tunes. And I love a good Zune. Yeah. And she said, I got one sitting around. Can I send it to you? And I said, wait, is that real?

And she said, yes. And she sent me one. Now, that was how it all started. Zune original or Zune HD? Zune HD. 120 gigabyte, my friend. Wow. Yeah, I got almost all my tunes on there. I have one of those bad boys.

Yeah? Mm-hmm. Keep that in the ride? No, I retired it. I now have an iPod. Okay. Yeah. What are we talking about?

iPod Classic? iPod Nano. iPod Nanu? iPod Nanu. Fun to say. Too soon. iPod Nano. iPod Nano. iPod Nano. Fun to say. Too soon. Can't really. So, yeah, so I got this Zoom.

I'm thrilled about this Zoom because I wanted something to have all, because I don't, I can't keep enough music on my phone for it to be useful. Sure. When there's like 12 albums on there or whatever I can fit on my phone. Agreed. It's not enough. I want a lot of music to choose from. Very picky.

So I got to Zoom. Very excited about it. Post on Twitter. You know, she was kind enough to send me a Zoom. Thank you very much, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Now, we have a listener named Guy. I think Guy saw on Twitter this post and said, well, fuck that lady. I work at Microsoft.

So Guy went into like the parts bin at Microsoft, like the leftover shit pile, and sent me a bag of Zunes. At Microsoft, just when like a table is uneven, they just put a Zune underneath there to level it out. He's like, I don't know which of these work because I could only find a couple of different cables. But he sent me literally a back. I got a brown Zune now. I got two extra Zune HDs. I got one regular black Zune. I'm fucking Zune-ing out of control here.

It's a bushel of Zunes. I know. Bare minimum, it's a passel of Zune. I'm fucking Zune-ing out of control here. It's a bushel of Zunes. I know. Bare minimum, it's a passel of Zunes. So I don't know. I thought maybe we think about having a Zune contest. I'd give away one of these Zunes. Okay. I cannot guarantee that it will be functional because I simply do not have the cables.

You can, those are pretty, when I was a Zune owner and losing cables left and right. You were a well-known Zune ass. Yeah. I have since moved on. But I get it. Some people are stuck in the past, reliving their glory days. Yes, sir. That one time I got quoted in the New York Times.

They yearned for a simpler time. Yeah. When Zune was king and Ebola was just the topic of a popular Dustin Hoffman movie. Ebola was just the topic of a popular Dustin Hoffman movie. By the way, I've decided now that given my status as a five-Zune owning man, if I ever have the opportunity to be invited, say, on a late-night television talk show, I'm going to do a little Zune product placement. I'll be like, hold on, Dave. Let me take a look at my Zune from Microsoft. Did Zune ever have a moment before it was just a joke?

Was there a moment? Boy, I think it was just started out as a joke. They kept making it better, and it started out as a pretty great device. But that didn't work at all because everyone was annoyed that Microsoft would try and make an iPod. Right, yeah. The functionality of a Zune is never something I've even thought of. That didn't work at all because everyone was annoyed that Microsoft would try and make an iPod. Right. Yeah. The functionality of a Zune is never something I've even thought of. It's just that it has a stupid name. Pretty terrific, honestly.

But, yeah, the name did not help it. It's like it's just the – if you were trying to think of like joke Silicon Valley names for websites or products like don't mean anything, Zune is pretty up there as a great joke choice. There's like agencies that generate those names just based on this is a good sounding syllable. Forge. Grount. Although, to be fair, it had a pretty great slogan. Dunnt. Welcome to the social.

Yeah, that is a good slogan. That was perfect. What is it? Does it only play music? No, it plays whatever you like. Video. There's some games on the Zune that I kind of like. There's games on the Zune?

Yeah, Zune HD. I don't know if you can get them anymore. Yeah, there's some games on the Zoom that I kind of like. There's games on the Zoom? Yeah, Zoom HD. I don't know if you can get them anymore, but yeah, there's some kind of- Any recommendations? Castle 1. Castle 1, okay. Where there's these guys who charge your castle. Charge straight ahead to Castle 2? No, no, no.

You don't want to skip Castle 1. Okay. You'll be lost. Right. It's like coming in on Season 2 of The Walking Dead. Gotcha. Who's that? Yeah.

What's in that castle? Right. You'll be saying. It's like Baseball Stars 2. It loses Walking Dead. Gotcha. Who's that? Yeah. What's in that castle? Right. You'll be saying. It's like baseball stars, too. It loses a little of the charm of the original. Exactly. Thank you. There's an alternate reality where we all have Zoom phones and virtual boys.

Yeah. To be clear, Jordan and I do have Zoom phones. Yeah. I have a Windows phone. Yeah. Windows phone right here, too. I like it a lot. Well, we're in that alternate reality. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. This is great. phone. Yeah. Windows phone right here, too. I like it a lot. Well, we're in that alternate reality.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. This is great. Yeah. Finally, we're living the dream. I hope we don't meet our evil doppelgangers from Earth 1. It's like being inside the Sony Metreon in 1995.

Brian Fernandez, you got some telephone calls over there right when something momentous happens to you our listener we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment momentous occasions let's hear the first momentous occasion hey my name is

Tristian from New York I'm in Brooklyn right now I was going to do a whole meetup thing but I switched the name with some other bar. Had a great Stella and wandered around the whole bar asking people if they knew the show and explaining the concepts to them. Even had to do it in French one time. But I was wrong. I'm in the wrong place. Oh, man, I'm just going to go.

I thought I'd call you guys this is a momentous failure but I did tell a whole bunch of people about your show so now they all

are gonna look it up on iTunes one guy knew about it already so total loss alright goodnight meetups

yep you went to the meetup Jordan tons of fun tons of fun I've been enjoying looking at it. There's tons of pictures on the internet on the Facebook group of our meetups. So just so you guys know, we're recording this the day after we had nationwide meetups.

So everyone met up at 7 p.m. on a Sunday evening in various places across this great nation. Oh, cool. And it was a grand success. Our friend Linda Holmes from Pop Culture Happy Hour sent me an email. She and Glenn and Steven from that program went to the Washington, D.C. meetup. She said there was 25 people there. Everybody was having a blast. They were all really sweet and lovely.

Lots of lovely people. What did you say? We probably had 40 people, 50 people at the LA one. Oh, yeah. That place was happening. I had to leave a little bit early, and I'm like, this thing's just getting started. And it was all Max Funfield in that bar. This thing's just getting started.

After a 60-year-old couple left about halfway through, the woman looked a little bit like Lieutenant Uhuru. Uhura? Uhuro? Zune. Lieutenant Zune. Yeah. From Star Trek. A Yeah, from Star Trek

Black lady from Star Trek Is there, like, in the meetup an itinerary of things to do or are you just hanging out and chatting? You drink beers Hard liquor, if that's your preference I had a ginger ale With a dash of bitters So you show up and you just

drink a series of beverages and leave? It's basically a drinking contest. Drinking contest for alcoholics. Well, to some extent, people go, go, go, go, go, go, go. To some extent. Sounds like beer fest a little bit. Broken Lizard. It's not quite as funny, but it does have a stronger structure.

Yeah. That's what I would call it. It's more coherent, but it lacks the high points. Broken Lizard, Beer Fest. Let's get some great jokes in that movie. Speaking of things that are on IFC all the time, Birthday Boys and Beer Fest. Yeah, yeah. We kind of just bridged the gap between airings of Beer Fest.

That's when they came to us. They said, we need to close the gap between Beer Fest. Can you guys make some sort of skit show? We seriously, we have spent the last three years trying to buy the rights to Club Dread. They won't give it up. It's their baby. On a sincere note, I always love going to these MaxFun meetups. As I mentioned before, the earth is a toilet, the internet especially.

It's just the fucking worst. But it's nice to know that there's an internet community out there full of nice, cool people who enjoy hanging out. We had a fucking meetup. I saw a picture of half a dozen nice, friendly, cool looking people in South Dakota somewhere. Sure. Somewhere in fucking South Dakota.

These people drove from all over the Dakotas, I'm sure. North and South. Sure. That's great. That's amazing. And you guys weren't even there. They just wanted to meet the other people. They just wanted to meet other cool people. I did say I would stop by if I had a chance. I was a little wishy-washy about it. Ah, just busy.

I got a lot of, but I mean, I would love to. You replied yes to the Facebook invitation, but you wrote that you might not be able to make it. Sure. Just like text me and let me know who's there. Is anybody hanging out? Yeah. When the time came, it just turns out I hadn't bought a plane ticket or booked a hotel. That phone call, though, sounded like that was the last words of that man or something.

It sounded like he was like being followed. Yes. Let's go back to this guy. Also, he seemed – okay. Kudos to him for talking up our show. That was great. Two strangers. Including a Frenchman.

Yeah. Hello, this is how the French talk. Hello, they are from another country. Cheese, please. The prime minister has a mistress? I don't care! I can't believe he didn't say fromage. He said cheese.

Yeah, that's true, yeah. That's a bad Frenchman. Well, he only speaks English. I'm guessing this is some sort of false Frenchman. The only problem was when he explained it to me in French. I do not speak French. I just talk stupid English. I have a traumatic

brain injury. So this guy clearly was at the wrong bar. Either got drug or was drug before. I saw a picture of the Brooklyn meetup. There were dozens of people there too. He blew it big time. Sounds like a lot of fun. But I wonder

how good it is for the brand to have a random drunk walking up to people and I don't want to say muttering about the show, but definitely not enunciating well about it. I think that's what they call, I mean, we would have to ask, maybe we could ask your publicist Molly about this later, but this is the kind of thing that I believe is called a brand ambassador. Oh, like the babes that sell Patron shots at bars? Exactly. I think this is the kind of person, I'm assuming he had a plunger on his head.

I don't know that for certain. But it seems like a safe bet, right? Yeah. I like that one guy had heard of the show. That's a good kind of test result there. He was just pretending to have heard of the show. To get the drunk to leave. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I love that show. Bye. Goodbye. See you later. I appreciate it anyway. Me too. It goes person to person in a bar telling people about Jordan. That personal touch.

Those people are unquestionably going to be disappointed should they happen to sample the program. Wait a minute. This bullshit? This isn't even a show. This is less of a show than Beer Fest is a movie. And beer, one of the main jokes in Beer Fest is one of the characters dies and then the actor comes back playing his twin. That's a great joke in that movie. Well, this guy, Plungerhead, if you're out there.

He prefers to be known as P-Head. P-Head. The Birthday Boys could use the same thing. Yeah, talk us up around that bar. Let's talk about this. When does the Birthday Boys air just so he has the basic info he needs? Fridays at 1130 on IFC. Right before Beer Fest. And what are the best

beverages to sample that will get you drunk enough to tell people about that in a bar? Well, probably the same beers that they're drinking in Beer Fest would be good. A Pilsner. Go for a Pilsner. What about a lager beer? You know, I would say wheat beer, but come on, that whole phase is over.

That bubble's going to burst. It's a little done. It's a little 2010. What kind of ABV are we talking about here? 6.0. Yeah. 6.0? Oh, okay.

Yeah. So death. Yeah, immediate death. No, that's BAC. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, okay. 6.0.

Oh, I'm sorry then. Yeah, I'd say 10. Let's give him a 10. Which ELO would you recommend? The band. Fire on high. Sure.

Speaking of BACs, you guys ever blow into a breathalyzer? I haven't. I have not. You know what? I did. I was at South by Southwest. I call it South by.

Very cool. Thank you very much. You call it South by. Very cool. Thank you very much. You're the only guy that does that. I think it's going to catch on. It's a really cool thing that I came up with to refer to just a hip place. If I'm not there physically, I'm there mentally because I'm that creative. Okay? And I always wear this badge.

That's why I always wear this badge. That's why I always wear this badge. I was at South by Southwest, and the good people behind Pennzoil, in a marketing stunt that apparently worked, because I just said Pennzoil on my Smash Hit podcast. The good people behind Pennzoil put together a real-life Mario Kart. Wow. And in order to drive one of the Mario Karts, you had to blow a breathalyzer to make sure that you weren't drunk. Wow. Or to make sure that you were drunk enough. Wow. And in order to drive one of the Mario carts, you had to blow a breathalyzer to make sure that you weren't drunk. Wow. Or to make sure that you were drunk enough. Did they have shells and stuff that you would throw off your... It was pretty

shitty. It was electronic go-karts that basically had stickers on them to make them vaguely look like... And then you had a sticker on your helmet that said which guy you were. Or lady, in the case of the princess. Oh, nice. Peach.

Daisy. Yeah. Lady Birdo. These are some of the other female Mario Kart drivers. I'm pretty sure Lady Birdo was not involved in this, and also that you just made her up. No, no. Lady Birdo's real. Lady Birdo was real.

Sorry. Thank you, Mitch. I also jumped on that. Oh, God. Thank you, Mitch. Oh, God. And then they had RFID things on the ground that had pictures of shells. So if you drove over it, you would either be forced to slow down or speed up. But I did not know what the different things from Mario Kart did.

And so the first couple of times around the track, I ran over bad ones and then wondered what was wrong with my car. Yeah. Well, did you blow a zero? I blew a zero. I blew a zero. Well, I'd had some vanilla extract earlier in the day, so it wasn't exactly a zero, but it was pretty close. You had some poppy seeds,

so you tested positive for heroin. But they will let you drive. Oh, yeah. They're like, are you going to nod? I just said no, and then they gave me the keys. You'll drive more creatively. Jordan, sorry, you were saying. Was I? About what?

Let's hear another call. Shut up, Mitch, for once in your life. I was at Coachella recently. I passed a kidney stone. That's all I wanted to tell you. Wait, what? At Coachella recently. Okay. Coach. I passed a kidney stone. That's all I wanted to tell you. Wait, what? At Coachella?

At Coachella. That's the worst place in the world to pass a kidney stone. It was really, really bad. I was with two buddies, and one of them threw his back out, and then the night was almost over. What band was on when you started to shove the calcium deposit out your urethra? It was a big headline, right? Everyone else was super chill. It was right when the headline was coming on.

Outcast or something. I think Lorde had just finished. I think it was maybe the night after Outcast. I like that you're like, Lorde had just finished. I think Unspeakable Pain was about to come on. Oh, it was, whatchamacallem, the crazy band there. The crazy band? Gnarls Barkley?

No, the goofy band. And they came off the stage and walked through the crowd. The Flaming Lips. The Flaming, was it? Yes, the Flaming Lips. The Goofy Band. The Goofy Band, and they came off the stage and walked through the crowd. The Flaming Lips. The Flaming – was it the – yes, the Flaming Lips. The Goofy Band. The Goofy, yeah, yeah. Those goofballs. What's the Flaming Lips?

But anyways, I felt the calcium deposit and started to be very – in a lot of pain. And I told those guys, I said, listen, I can't talk about this too much. I can't say really – I don't want to talk at all, but we have to leave. I need to go. Did you just go to the same tent where like people are having bad acid trips? I was going to the same because you have to pee a lot. So I was peeing constantly. So it was pretty much like almost – it's almost like wetting your pants a lot of the time with – this is a lot of –

I've had one. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So you know how it is. You pee a lot. This is a lot of – I've had one. Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Okay. So you know how it is. You pee a lot. Sure. I couldn't – Mitch showed us like a picture on Google Images of a stone that looked like his stone. I pictured like a little – I forgot to take a picture of mine. But I'm sure I can find something comparable.

It was an approximation. Swipe, swipe, swipe. Swipe. Fuck yeah. Painfulkidneystones.tumblr.com. It actually had the actual picture of Mitch's. Somebody else had got it. Oh, wow.

Okay. It was so much more jagged than I was. I thought it would be like a little nice little baby BB. That's what it's like when you eat pebbles. Yeah, exactly. Which Mitch does. Yeah. That could be part of the problem.

He has a gizzard. We're trying to figure that out. But yeah, that was it. Mitch probably has the most famous gizzard in comedy. Oh, yeah. Definitely. But yeah, that was... Mitch probably has the most famous gizzard in comedy. Oh yeah, definitely. You're on tour with the original gizzards of comedy. You and Cedric the Entertainer.

The only problem is two lizards got involved. Yeah, sure. And one guy who was slizzard. Let's take another call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, esteemed guests. This is Craig in Brooklyn. I was just recognizing Columbus Day, one of the more morally dubious holidays in this great country,

by doing some laundering, because that seems like a good thing to do. Not really thinking very much about what the occasion meant when I pulled my card out of the machine and the numbers left to tell me my remaining balance are $14.92, which gave me a whole new perspective. Do you think that's Chrissy C. talking to him from beyond the grave? Definitely. Yeah, pour one out for Chrissy C. And that's the message he wanted to get to our realm.

He's like, for God's sake, remember when I sailed the ocean blue. 1493. Yeah, for one moment, the planes of existence were lined up. Our world and the spirit world. There's a tiny gateway boy this guy's British accent was as crazy as your French accent Jesse thank you

he said mori-jeevious do you guys know what that word is that's not something he said he said it I was doing my laundry morally dubious morally dubious mori-jeevious you thought You said it in a sentence. I was doing my laundry. Morally dubious. Morally dubious.

Mori-jevious, you thought. Yeah. Because Christopher Columbus is, you know, he precipitated a genocide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, I mean, a brave man. A lot of Columbus hate this year. I felt like it was boosted this year. One of the hottest Columbus hating years. I feel like, what is this, 1994?

Like, yes, long ago we all agreed that Columbus shouldn't have a holiday. That's fine. Yeah. We don't need to talk about it anymore, right? Like, maybe if you're writing a letter to your legislator. I think you're probably right. I say, let's change this or not talk about it anymore. Yeah, I think, let's change this or not talk about it anymore. Yeah, I think

yeah, I hear you. But yeah, it seems like this was just the year of the angry Facebook post about it. Yes. Which does nothing. Yep. I don't know. I think it's going to change it. No, you're right. I think future generations will not know the rhyme. They won't

know that he sailed the ocean blue. Right. Unless it comes up when they're doing their laundry. Right. That's true. Yeah, maybe Columbus sensed that this year from his pit in hell and decided he needed to send a message. So he's like, well, how do I get this message to the widest possible audience? Did you say the whitest?

Whitest and whitest. The whitest, whitest. The whitest possible white audience. Wide whites. That's a popular demographic. I will send a secret message to a fan of the world's most popular podcast, and we'll get it on that way. He thought, I'm a bad man full of regret. I'm in hell.

So what should I choose to say? I'll tell him the year that I did that bad thing, and he'll fill in on us. You know what? That was a year. Which franchise sent it to? The drunk Brit. Somebody that loves WTF with Mark Maron. Somebody who's really more egevious.

You keep pushing that word. It's not going to happen. I kind of like it now. We have one more call. Let's take a listen. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, go and guest. I am calling

from Edmonton, Alberta, and I'm calling that I was just driving down a main street in Edmonton, and they have large gravel parking lots off to the right-hand side. And in these gravel parking lots was a police car doing donuts in the gravel.

And I thought that it was pretty great, so I'd let you know. Thanks. Is that great? Don't you mean a Mountie? I imagine in Canada this was a man on a mounted horse, and the horse was doing donuts. I like that version better. Is it cool for a police car to do donuts?

Your thoughts, Mitch? No, I don't think it's cool. On to you, Tim. Tim, what do you think? I think it's hypocritical because I one time was doing donuts in a parking lot of a closed country club in the winter. A cop came, told me to leave. So then here's his little buddy up north doing the very thing that I was doing. Hypocrite.

Those guys probably hang out at their convention once a year and do donuts. Yeah, they have meetups. I do. It really bothers me when cops break traffic laws. Sure. When cops drive around. It's a waste of taxpayer money. But I'm cool with it with their sirens are on.

You don't got no sirens, no way, Jose. That's my motto. So if his siren was on while he was doing the donuts, you would have been okay with it? How can I make this noisier? He's probably chasing a mouse that I can't quite pick out against the gray of the parking lot ground. Maybe just doing it to blow off some steam, you know? That's a really good point. the gray of the parking lot ground.

Maybe just doing it to blow off some steam, you know? That's a really good point. Better, you know, better blowing off some steam by doing some parking lot donuts than, you know, randomly firing tear gas into a preschool. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I mean, sorry if you guys are okay with cops randomly firing tear gas into a preschool. That's your thing.

It's not mine. He's just like, oh, man, that's tear gas? Oh, I thought it was steam. Steam. I just thought these toddlers' clothes were too wrinkled. Not mine. He's just like, oh, man, that's tear gas? Oh, I thought it was steam. Steam for our children. I just thought these toddlers' clothes were too wrinkled. That might humidify the situation a little bit. If you want to call and share something with us, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. Our email address, jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

That's jjgoe atumFun.org. That's JJGo at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Also, we became Mormons. We became Raelians, which is a UFO group. That's right. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis. Yes, the 9-11 Truthers. We got cupped. We got acupunctured. We got reiki.

Pretty much anything that you've heard of and been like, that doesn't sound quite right, we've done that. So you don't have to do it. So if you want to hear about this, and you should, then go to MaximumFun.org. MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan and Jesse Coe. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, a rival sketch because you joined Portlandia? I joined Portlandia. The chubby guy now on Portlandia. To be fair, they needed a chubby guy.

They did, yeah. They're a little too slim on that show. Fred Armisen bulked up, but not enough. Not nearly enough. Not enough. Not to Mitch level,

as they call it in the business. In the weight business. Like, this show needs a goofball. If Christian Bale had been on Portlandia, he would have gotten to Mitch level. Oh, yeah. He would have done what he had to do to get to Mitch level.

That guy's one of the greatest Mitch level actors in America. I get so jealous that they just drink ice cream at the time of their lives. It sounds so fun. I can't believe they take it back off. You know, like, that sounds so, so, so hard to do that to your body every year. It's impossible to lose, like, one pound, let alone 40 pounds every other week. I could take this off at any time if I wanted to. Oh, my God.

Yeah, you have the long game in mind. Long game. We got to do this. The show is out. Well, I mean, Mitch, I think you know that the roles these actors get their accolades for are the roles where they change their body type. And you're like, let's not, you're waiting for that David O. Russell call. Right, you can't, you're not going to slim down

just for a random sketch in the middle of an episode of a... It's like that old... We need someone to play Dream Boyfriend. That's where that old Hollywood saying comes from, survival of the huskiest. Sure. Yep. I gotta say... That was actually just when they were only adapting Jack London novels. That's where that old Hollywood saying comes from, survival of the huskiest. Sure. Yep. I got to say.

That was actually just when they were only adapting Jack London novels. Those are about dogs. And wolves. Fat guys, you know, I'm not going to go on this rant. Come on. Come on, Dennis Miller. Let's hear what's sticking in your craw. I've heard this rant, so I'm just going to stand outside for an hour.

your craw. I've heard this rant, so I'm just going to stand outside for an hour. Fat people are still the people who get discriminated against the most in the world. If you watch any comedy show or anything like that, you'll see a fat guy bend over

for a sandwich and rip his pants open, and people don't care. See? People don't care at all. They're like, I watched this video of these young, hip in shape hipsters in those balls where you roll around inside of them, like the hamster balls.

And everyone was having fun and there was a fat referee blowing the whistle at them being mad and they would smush him with their balls and he would fall over on the ground and I was like, this is not – this is so unfair. I have also seen Fat Guy get smushed by balls. And granted, my expectations were for something different, but I was disappointed by the video.

You're right. It's easy. It's cheap. Yeah. And not pornographic. Yeah. Insufficiently pornographic was my primary critique of Fat Guy Gets Smushed by Boss. Instead of going to the gym and getting in shape, I want to start some sort of thing to fight for our rights.

I think it's messed up. And you do it like two hours a day and you're really devoted to this cause. See, there you go. Tim Kalpak is doing it again. Mitch, have you thought about a Facebook post? Of posting this online? No, like Jordan. Here's the thing.

I think they need to raise a toilet. I think it would make a good Facebook post. The only problem is Columbus Day was like a couple weeks ago now. Yeah. So you're going to have to wait until next year. Wait until that dies down. What else are people mad about? Cops.

Yeah, sure, cops. Yeah. Fucking fat cops. Ugh. You know, I would just put this rant in the comments section for a review of the new Bayonetta game. Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah. A lot of eyeballs on that these days.

A lot of fat guys reading that. Yeah, I mean, I think you probably will reach a lot of fat guys. You guys, okay, so let's talk about the birthday boys for a second. Ah. The delightful television program, The Birthday Boys. Why did you say, ah? Yeah, no. You guys are best friends with Dana Carvey now. Yeah.

Yes, very good friends. You did a funny sketch where he rolled around on the ground. I certainly did. I saw it using internet. It delighted me. You're going to see it again using IFC on Friday nights. Yeah. It sounds like the resolution would be better.

Do you have a Nielsen box hooked up to your computer? I do. I do. And on my computer, IFC is always on, but it's slightly off. That's the only problem. Just so you know, going into 2015, we're making some changes in the network. It will be just always on. Right.

That's the end of it. In 2015, nothing will be off. Slightly off is gone. And that's why you brought in Dana Carvey. Exactly. Yeah, I know. We were going to have Bob Odenkirk play that role, and it was a little off, so then we just made an adjustment.

Speaking of Dana Carvey being our best friends, he did say a funny story in that George Bush, George H.W. Bush. Herbert Walker Bush. Herbert Walker Bush calls him all the time. He called him on his birthday and then he did a whole conversation wait that was Dennis Miller am I going to call you?

not going to call you can I finish calling you? this is Ross Perot Dan Harmon was on Bullseye is on Bullseye we'll have been on Bullseye is on Bullseye let's see will have been on Bullseye this past week as this broadcast

and he was recently working on a project with Dana Carvey and John Lovitz that did not sadly come to fruition but one of the things that he told me

is he was out to dinner with Dana Carvey talking about the show and at one point Dana Carvey said that he had an idea, but he wasn't going to do it. And Dan Harmon paused for a minute, and then he said,

would you say that you're not going to do it? And he said Dana Carvey was delighted to say that he was not going to do it. That's amazing. We were delighted by how Dana embraces that. I mean, he knows that that's your secret hope is he's going to do something. And he didn't. We went and like when he was on our show, he pulled up and we went out into the parking lot to meet him getting out of his car. And like we didn't have to talk to him for more than a minute before he did a little Mickey Rooney.

And we were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. And then we got we got a church lady by the end of the day. But of the day, through lunch and six hours of shooting with them, we had heard all the greatest hits. It was fantastic. That's awesome. He's so great. I like that you all went out to meet him in his car, by the way. All seven of you surrounded his car like a mob after a Red Sox World Series victory. We thought he wouldn't feel safe if there weren't seven people standing around his car.

And at the end of the day, John Lovitz drove by, rolled down his window, and yelled, it stinks. I know. Yay. Can I be in the show? Tim, the director, just says, cut. And Lovitz goes, yeah, that's the ticket. Now, you guys also shot with Fabio for this season. Did he do all of his famous catchphrases?

Oh, yes. Like, look at my hair blow behind me in the wind. I got hit in the face with a goose on a roller coaster. Yeah. Did he do that famous bit? I love to exercise. He was hit by so many geese, kept hitting him in the face all day. Like, all right, Fabio, you can just be a normal guy.

You don't have to be on all the time. He was the sweetest man. One of the sweetest men. He was great. I believe it. Even sweeter than Dana Carvey? Which was sweeter? Dana Carvey trumped it for me just because he was amazing.

I'm talking about pure sweetness. Pure sweetness is a pretty good level. We're not talking about excitement. We're just talking about who is the kindest man. Of the two of them? You don't have to. Let's say there was a sick kitten. Which one would you send?

You had a hotline. You're trapped in a room. You have a hotline. One to Fabio, one to Dana Carvey. Well, Fabio is stronger, so he could lift the kitten higher. That's a concern when they're sick. They need to be high up.

But also, I feel like Fabio might not understand the situation as much. He was, well, you spent a whole, I met Fabio, but you shot with him for hours. He was the nicest guy in the world, right? He was very nice. He talked about his whey protein a ton. He was like, every other whey protein is under 10%. Mine is over 90% whey protein. Like his brand?

He has a brand of whey protein. This is his Ciroc. Yes. Diddy has Ciroc. And he has Fabio's. I don't even know what the brand is called. You never shout out his whey protein in his raps? Yeah.

Or even just on songs he produced for other artists. Sure, yeah, yeah. He was extremely nice. Talked about that forever. We got into a bed together for the sketch. And the bed broke immediately when we got into it. And he was like, my arm had been broken on another sketch. And he was very kind.

He was like, it's going to be, everything is okay. And he was kind of like almost like kind of rubbing my shoulder. Like, don't worry about it. Everything is good. He just had his thumb on your palm and he was making a little gentle circle. That is the type of man that he was. You have a very long love line. And then he was a little surprised when Chris yelled out, all right, Fabio, is it okay if Mitch kisses you in this next take?

Which I think threw him a little bit. Sure. But he did it. He was cool with it. Cool. We kissed. It was great for me. Great moment.

So many older women in the world are jealous that I got to kiss Fabio now. Can I suggest one possible stunt casting for next season of Birthday Boys? I know you're just rapping this season. I noticed him that you're wearing a Captain EO t-shirt.

Sure. What about that little guy that flies out into the audience and he's Captain EO? Do you think you could get him? He's in. I'll have to talk to Lucas and Coppola. I hope we get Hooter. Hooter is my favorite of the EO game. Is Hooter the guy? Is that the name of the character who flies out? No, Hooter is the elephant.

Oh, okay. The butterfly guy, I don't know. I loved him as a kid. But if we get Hooter, we could get him. It's sort of how casting works. You go for like a B-list person who may have a connection with an A-list person. I watched that recently. I love that show.

It's a great – it's a really great show. Get to the EO. Yeah, it's a really – It's a film. It's a great show. I love every episode of that. Like an old man, I call every show. It was a nice show.

I was out there at the city council show. Oh, the amendments. The amendments this week were glorious. Listen, we've had a lot of fun with you guys, but we're a plum out of time. Oh, my God. Yeah, I mean, if you guys had just shut the fuck up that whole time, we'd still have 20, 30 minutes left. You could edit that out and then you would have existed. You insisted on contributing to this program with delightful

japes, jabs, and jokes. Yeah, I had a quip. Ghouls, ghosts, and goblins. Don't bring those up again. I just don't get less scared. Tim, tell us one more time where we can watch television as the birthday boys, because everyone should be on top of that. It's IFC on Friday nights at 1130 right after Comedy Bang Bang.

And let's say somebody wants to prepare for IFC on Thursday nights. Friday. Friday nights at 1130. Very not good at listening. Hey, it's a great network. Watch on Thursday. You'll see Beer Fest. Let's say the people want to watch Friday nights at 11.30, but

they want to feel prepared because they want to see Goofy Roofers. Oh, yeah. They're going to want to check that out because we tend to, when we have a new episode, we don't just show the old sketches. Right. So if you wanted to see that old sketch, you have to go back into the archive. Maybe go on like a Netflix

or something. They're going to want to see Goofy Roofers. Is this why I bring it up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think everyone should probably see Goofy Roofers at some point in their life. And if they do that as a prelude to watching hot new episodes, all the better. I agree. That's a good primer and it's on Netflix as we speak.

I think they should probably go on Netflix to watch Goofy Roofers. Watching Goofy Roofers is on BuzzFeed's list of things you should do before you die. And it's a weird list. It says one thing you should do before you die. And it's a weird list. It says one thing you should do before you die. One thing every basic bitch should do. Watch Goofy Roofers? All right.

I mean, well, it does have French Stewart in it. Fine. You booked a French Stewart, by the way, because you were trying to get it. Kristen, what's her name? Oh, you're talking to other members of Third Rock from the Sun? Jane Curtin, was she on that? Oh, yeah. I think Jane Curtin was on that.

You were trying to get a Jane Curtin. Got it. Who wouldn't want to get a Jane Curtin? It's funny because we had Lorraine Newman in that very episode. There you go. We could have gone Jane Curtin and had a reunion. God, we blew it. We blew it.

Don't watch Goofy Roofers. Don't watch Birthday Boys at all. It's a mistake. Agreed. In retrospect, I insist that you not watch Birthday Boys Friday nights at 1130 after Comedy Bang Bang on IFC, the independent film channel, always on, slightly off. For the next year, then just on. Then it will just be always on.

Just bear with us for some slight offages we're getting them corrected real quick they got well plus you gotta change out the stationary it's a mess

it's a mess change everybody's email signature it's a lot of white out it's a thing I was at IFC headquarters in New York

and they just have buckets and buckets of white out coming in for that stationery you know now that I think about it Jordan and I had a TV show on IFC.

Do you think they lost our email address? I think they have to. I mean, they've got to be wanting to make new episodes of The Grid sometime soon, right? If they're going to Always On, because a big problem that they had with The Grid was that it wasn't off enough. It was too sweet smelling. If you're listening, we can make it a little bit off. A little bit left of center. They should just check you guys out on email.

Yeah. Hit us up on email. Check us out on email, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We're ready to go. Ready to go. Thank you, everyone, who participated in MaxFunWeek. It was a real fucking blast. Really loved everything from all the awesome reviews

people left to the meetups to people working on our Wikipedia page to just all kinds of really cool stuff. And I, for one, sincerely appreciate it.

Jordan, I know, sort of is half sincere, half insincere. Tim, you're completely insincere when you say that. You don't care about it. Oh, yeah, Tim's making the jack-off motion. Mitch, though, is pretty sincere about it because he's a big-hearted guy. You know, he's got aincere when you say that. You don't care about how- Oh, yeah. Tim's making the jack-off motion.

Mitch, though, is pretty sincere about it because he's a big-hearted guy. He's got a lot of love in his heart. And he's sincerely making the jack-off motion because he's horny. Just so horny. His only disappointment is that he can't find his penis. Inside the jeans, Mitch. Unzip it first. It'll feel better.

Our producer is Brian Fernandez, known popularly as Sonny D. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of our friends

in The Free Design and at Light in the Attic Records. It comes from Love You, the best of the, wait, kites are fun, the best of The Free Design.

You'd think that after having said that 20,000 times on this program, I would have had it memorized by now. You can join us online at forum.maximumfund.org. You can join us on the Reddit at maximumfund.reddit.com. I found out you don't have to do all those forward slashes and stuff. Oh, great. That's simpler.

Thanks to the in-script listener who said that. And on our Facebook group, you can like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook or join the maximumfund.org Facebook group. All those are great ways to stay in touch. Welcome to the social is what I always say. Welcome to the social. And I do want to say, I believe last week on the program, I mentioned that there had been zero Wikipedia entry for Jordan Jesse Go. It was a great challenge for us. Listeners have created a Jordan Jesse Go Wikipedia page.

Your cited additions are very much appreciated, especially if somebody has a nice picture of us that they have the rights to. Yeah. I think maybe we can try and figure out how to make Zach Wolf make our portrait picture public or whatever. Whatever. Something will happen. If you have a picture of us from a live show or something that's Creative Commons can you post it on the fucking Wikipedia for us or at least

you know post it on the forum so someone else who knows how to post things on Wikipedia can here's the thing next time we're trying to book this show

we're bringing in Carrie Brownstein or something like that Molly's not familiar with Jordan Jesse Go she's just gonna type it into the internet and she's gonna get

the Wikipedia page and she's gonna say this doesn't even have a picture. Why would I book my talent on this podcast that I've literally never heard of? And they normally go by picture. They go by the handsomeness of the co-host. Yeah. Or just are they cut?

Yeah. Sure. How juiced. So an ab shot would be great. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's why Joe Rogan's podcast is so successful. The man does a lot of crunches. Okay.

Thank you, everyone, for listening. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.