Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 349: God's Autograph with Pat Francis

Episode Date: November 3, 2014

Comedian and podcaster Pat Francis joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of getting autographs, Rick Springfield, and Santa movies. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Soccer festival going on in the neighborhood today. That's always encouraging.

Making it difficult to get to the building. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you, but think of those hundreds of soccer children. They're out there kicking balls around. For the folks at home, they've blocked off a few streets here in – do you call this Koreatown? What do you call this? It's Westlake. Westlake. Here in Westlake, they've blocked off some streets to set up carnival rides to honor –

Child soccer players. What we assume are teen soccer players. We're guessing that we assume are teen soccer players. Child and teen soccer players. Based on the sheer volume of children playing soccer right now. Yeah. It's astonishing. Anyway, I mean, I'm glad the kids are out there. I'm glad they're, you know, getting fit, blah, blah, blah, off the streets, Michelle Obama, what have you.

Sure. I don't like that they're influencing my commute. And I think I'm going to go ahead and say fuck them. Okay. I mean, I can understand that. You're a resident of Los Angeles. Sure. And you have to have certain priorities.

Yeah. Number one is going to be your commute. Number two is going to be the children. Number three is going to be festivals. Sure. That's probably your top three, right? Number four, keeping gluten free. And keeping my kids away be festivals. Sure. That's probably your top three, right? Number four, keeping gluten-free. And keeping my kids away from peanuts.

Yeah. Well, you got to do what you got to do. Yeah. Let's introduce our guest on this week's program. I'd love to. He is the host of the Rock Solid podcast. He is a television writer and producer. He is a regular with our friends Matt and Jimmy on the show Never Not Funny.

He's going to be on the Never Not Funny podcast-a-thon coming up at the end of November, the day after Thanksgiving. His name is Mr. Pat Francis. Pat, welcome to the program. Hello. I'm marveling at the professional setup here. Yeah, it's as though we're professionals. We're in like a soundproof like packing crate of some sort.

Yeah. Oh, we're going to be shipped to Russia, by the way. Some Russian businessmen bought us as brides. Are you cool with that? I'm fine. Like at any point, like a forklift could just scoop this whole thing up, put us on a cargo ship, and we would just be broadcasting at sea. We picked you to be on this week's program because of your sexy jugs. We knew that the –

My moves? Yeah. We knew that the vizier to the czar would really love your jugs and your moves. Yeah. And I hope you love living as a concubine. Excuse me. Do I have to – what kind of work do I – just sex slavery? That's it?

All I have to do? You're going to have to make borscht as well i will have to learn and like some hosting okay like you won't have to like like you won't have to like mix drinks at the party but you'll have to be like his host and welcome his guests i was agreed at the gap for a time you know that's great that's great training yeah yeah great so i mean it's fantastic instead of saying you know welcome to the Gap, we've got to sail on chinos, you could say welcome to the czar's sex dome. Would you like some borscht? Would you like some borscht?

Or have at it. Sure, yeah. Go to town, you'll say. Get a load of these jugs. And these moves. And these jugs of borscht. Oh, yeah. Borscht tastes best in a jug. Can moves. And these jugs of borscht. Oh, yeah. Borscht tastes best in a jug. Can I say something just real quick about borscht?

Yeah. Because I'm worried that I'm using borscht as a punchline here, and I'm worried that people will think that I'm anti-borscht. And I want to clarify here, I very much am in support of borscht. I do, too. Borscht is very tasty. I've made some borscht myself. I've consumed borscht in both a non-professional dining environment and a professional dining environment. So you've ordered borscht.

I've ordered borscht. And I love this stuff. I love the taste. I love the addition of sour cream. I love that it makes your pee red. That's my top three things that I love about Borscht. I am not afraid to admit

I don't even know what it is. Really? I don't know what Borscht is. It's a cold beet soup. I've heard the word, but I've only heard the word used for comedic, thank you,

for comedic purposes. I was going to do that, but then I didn't know if... No, you adjusted Pat's microphone because I was concerned that it was drooping. Yeah. Like my moves.

It's, you know, borscht is one of those great comedy foods. Great punchline. Also tastes great. Unlike Arby's. Yeah. And tell me what's in it. What's the main ingredient? Beets.

Beets. And coldness. Well, it can be served cold or hot. Oh, interesting. I feel like I know borscht is only a cold food. You can have a hot borscht? You can have a hot borscht. Put some sour cream in there. Huh. I don't like the sound of a hot borscht is only a cold food. You can have a hot borscht? You can have a hot borscht. Put some sour cream in there.

Huh. I don't like the sound of a hot borscht. No, it's great. Huh. Where can I order this? What restaurant would carry this? Russian restaurant. Only a Russian restaurant.

I mean, you might find like a – Cheesecake Factory doesn't make a borscht. They seem to make every type of food. They do, but there's also a handful of fried shrimp in there. Okay. Yeah. So it's not as authentic as it could be. And a two-inch layer of butter.

See, I mean, yeah, there are Russian restaurants, but also you could probably travel back to when I was in high school and I went over to my friend Paula Glusman's house for the day after Thanksgiving. There you go. Where her Russian Jew parents would make everybody some borscht. It's one of those things. It tastes better the next day. That's the truth about borscht.

Pat, can I backtrack a little bit? You said you were surprised at the professional setup. I mean, I don't know how – No, no. I'm not surprised. It's just the soundproofing and there's this little cube. We're in this little cube. You record your show,

you record your show, Rock Solid, in a very professional environment. You're literally next door to MC Light. What were you, when you were driving over here, what were you envisioning? No, people told me that you guys have a very professional setup

and he sent me a picture of the building so I knew where I was coming. But the view here is amazing. Sure. Yeah, this is great. I'm glad that you did your due diligence. I'm happy to hear that. I always think that people are just around a table, and you guys are actually – we're in a freezer.

Right. Yeah, exactly. We got to keep the meat cold. It's a 79-degree freezer and climbing. It would be really funny to send people a picture of the building and then when they can't get in, text them and say, we're at the Yoshinoya next door. We record at a Yoshinoya. It's actually pretty quiet in there because no one ever goes in. That would be a nice theme show.

You guys should think about maybe doing a remote from there. Oh, maybe they can sponsor us. Yoshinoya presents. Yoshinoya bowls. Our bowls are better than theirs, better than theirs, because they're made fresh. I have still never heard this song. It's a real song. They got raps, too.

Wow. They got Yoshinoya bowl raps. Well, I think that'll kind of fit the flavor of our show, which I think is very hip hop influenced. There's no doubt about that. Yeah. I mean, it's all a freestyle. In a lot of ways, it's also like jazz.

Wait, wait, guys. Can we take a while to make some self-satisfied noises at that analogy? Great American art form, comedy podcast. Is jazz tap dancing in this? Yeah. Have you guys been to the Magic Castle? I have been to the Magic Castle. I have not been to the Magic Castle. This is an invitation the Magic Castle. I have not been to the Magic Castle.

This is an invitation only. It is. Comedy. It's a private club. Magic venue. Yeah. In a castle. Comedy magic and regular magic.

Yeah. Yes. Well, I think kind of one of the amazing things about the Magic Castle, and there's a lot of amazing things about it, is how you'll be there. Over the course of an evening, you will experience all of the magic. Yes. There's a guy doing card tricks. Up close. There's a goofy dad telling one-liners while wearing a vest.

There's a guy who's really magical. There's a wizard. There's just a wizard hanging out. The big theatrical room. Yeah, and then you'll see like an erotic goth Criss Angel type putting rings over an Asian woman. Yeah. Now, at the bar downstairs, there's a stool that you sit on. It's a trick stool.

Have you sat on this? I don't think I've sat on this particular stool. You sat on the stool. Describe the stool and I'll tell you if I've sat on it. It just looks like all the other stools except whoever you're with knows about this stool and then they get you to sit on it. And it slowly lowers. And you don't realize it's lower until all of a sudden your friend goes, you know, how's it feel down there? Hey, smell my dick.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And the reason that made me think of this is that's exactly what this mic is doing right now. Pretty soon you'll be smelling your own dick. I raise it up and then it just, you see it? I don't know what's going on with this microphone. Who's been in here? You know who I blame? Criss Angel?

Cameron Esposito. Oh, me too. Cameron Esposito. The Criss Angel of comedy. Yeah, she's well known as the Criss Angel of comedy because they share a style of dress. They're both known for their good looks. Sure. And they both do magic tricks.

Sure. Both goth too. Yeah, they're both super goth. Yeah. You brought a friend to watch today. Where is she watching from? We've got an observation zone, which is a window and you can put headphones on. We actually, this is like a-

She could sit here. This would be a good seat. This is like a surgical theater. Yeah. So she'll be sitting in the pews above us. Yeah. Wait, are they called pews if they're not in a church? I don't know.

But yeah, this is much like the Showtime original series, The Nick. Yeah. I think that's how we describe our show. I have not watched The Nick yet. We will be letting your blood later. How is The Nick? Got to balance them humors. I haven't seen it.

I would guess pretty good. Yeah. Steven Soderbergh, Clive Owen. Yeah, yeah. I think it's safe to assume that the Nick is a B plus, right? Yeah, I think that's

a great assumption. Yeah, sort of like Masters of Sex. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, pretty good show. I bet it's a Masters of Sex Boardwalk Empire-esque program. Yeah. Look, you get to see that Lizzie Kaplan naked a lot. She is naked a lot. She's a Masters of Sex, Boardwalk Empire-esque program. Yeah.

Look, you get to see that Lizzie Kaplan naked a lot. She is naked a lot. She's a very attractive young woman. She's very attractive. I'm on board with that. Yeah. Yeah, she's a handsome young woman. You know what?

A+. That show's an A+. Yeah. After she was naked once, I thought, we'll never see her naked again. That was just her. She's like, yeah, I'll do it once because I understand that everyone needs to be naked once in the show. But then she's-

She's got to be getting that guap for that show. Yeah. They got to be – Getting that what? That guap. What's guap? Is that money? It means money.

Who calls money guap? I've never heard guap before. Getting that guap. I thought borscht was money before the show started. Sorry if I'm hip-hop influenced. I mean we've got to bring this vibe if we want to bring the show to Yoshinoya. This show is known for its urban flavor. No, I mean, and I've clearly fallen behind.

So where does guap come from? And what is it short for? It means guacamole, which means money. That's guac. Yeah, you said guap. But guap is a bastardization of guac, which means guacamole, which is green, and thus it means money. That's amazing. Yeah.

I think, you know what? I'm calling it guap now, too. Good. money. That's amazing. Yeah. I think, you know what? I'm calling it guap now, too. Good. I think everyone will be. Yeah. Hey, Jordan, can I give you- Can you say who popularized it? Where does this come from?

It's definitely something you'd hear E-40 say. Okay. Getting that guap. All right. You also might hear him say that he was stacking that yaper. Uh-huh. Pat, you should have E-40 on Rock Solid sometime. Yes.

Who is that? He could hit you with some good slang. I have no slang. I have no good slang. I know. I'm going to start saying. Who is the most surprising guest you've ever – because you've had some very legitimate artists. Yeah.

And what artist would we not expect to have heard on Rock Solid that was on Rock Solid? You mean it was like a guest in the studio? Yeah. I don't know. I think every – that's a good question. I'm going to have to do some research and get back to you on that. Have you had Rick Springfield? I've been trying so hard to get Rick Springfield.

Have you watched the Rick Springfield documentary? Yes, I have. Do I own the Rick Springfield documentary? Yes, I have. Do I own the Rick Springfield documentary? Yes, I do. An affair of the heart? Yes. I mean, why did you decide to own it? Are there some special features that you're like, I can't get this on Netflix?

I need the commentary. I need the extended cut. Because I am a huge Rick Springfield fan. Really? Yes. Would you go – OK. So in – I'm not like – when I say I'm a fan of something, that means like the new album comes out, I get it.

We have release. So I have songs from the end of the world from last year. Last year's – It has four different covers. I do own three of the different CD covers. Wait. So why not make it a complete set? What's keeping you from getting the fourth?

Is it ugly? Because they don't know who E-40 is. The three I bought, those three also have a couple different tracks. And then there's an app. You're going to love this. I'm not kidding. You could look at my phone. There's a Rick Springfield app you initiated.

Is that a word? It's called Tinder. It shows you a picture of Rick Springfield. It shows you where Rick Springfields are you initiate it. Is that a word? It's called Tinder. And you – It shows you a picture of Rick Springfield. It shows you where Rick Springfields are in your area. This app, you point the camera of your phone on these album covers and they come to life and he talks to – it's crazy. What? Yeah.

It's crazy. So, OK. If I knew we were going to have this conversation, I would have brought the albums and we could have tried the album. This is now all I want to talk about. OK. So – have this conversation, I would have brought the albums and we could have tried the album. This is now all I want to talk about. Okay. How many albums has Rick Springfield made, like, say, in the past

10 years? Okay, in the past 10 years, we have... Well, Karma came out in 1999. So let's... I know that's not 10 years ago, but it's what? It's 15 years ago. Yeah. We can count that. Here's the thing, Pat. I would say he said if we count his Christmas album.

Let's go ahead and count that. His live album. Let's count that. And his album of children's songs, he's had seven albums I think in 10 years. You got all seven? What did you say? You got all seven? Are you asking me if I have all these albums?

Yes, I have all these albums. Including the Christmas album and the children's album. I don't have the children's one because my kids aren't – That would be a little creepy. Into Rick Springfield. They're not of that – well, no kid is. No one is. They're more into cheap tricks.

But no, my kids aren't of the age where I could have said like, well, I bought this for my children. It would have been a creepy purchase. Sure. I hear you. Yeah, yeah. So what is preventing you from getting this fourth from having that complete set?

All the tracks on the other three are... Okay, so you have all the bonus tracks. Right. And he's not as sexy on that album cover as he is on the other three. Does he come alive in a sexy way in the end? No. Like a come hither?

Just unbutton a couple buttons on his shirt and do a snakey dance. So watching this documentary, which I really enjoyed. I thought it was really terrific. Yes, it was fun. What is this documentary about? It's called An Affair of the Heart. I think we talked about it when you weren't here.

Okay. It's just about what Rick Springfield is doing now and it profiles some of his fans. Okay. Which are enthusiastic 40-year-old women in crop tops. Yes. Right. Pat Francis was apparently cut out of it. The underlying back story of it.

Cutting room floor. Cutting room Francis. That's what they call him. Bonus features. The underlying thing of it too is I guess in the heyday when he was popular like around Jessie's Girl and all those albums I guess he wasn't really that accessible or nice to his fans

and so he's kind of like a Mark Maron now trying to make amends for all his previous bad behavior that's a terrific analogy of like yeah of a guy who once he made himself all about his fans really had a lot of success right yeah he's much more –

There's a cruise. Yeah, there is. Is he still a looker, Rick Springfield? He is a famous looker, right? He's in great shape. I think he's 68. Yeah. But I think he's had a little work on his face that he shouldn't have probably done.

Well, I mean, you know, and he has a youthful look because all throughout this movie, all Ed Hardy. Basically all Ed Hardy. And that'll make you seem young. Or just a white t-shirt too sometimes, which is where I just... Did Rick Springfield, was he the creative force behind his biggest hits or was he just a pretty face? No, no.

He writes all the music. He's very... Before he was on General Hospital, he had a few albums. Rick Springfield was on General Hospital. Don't assume that I know that Rick Springfield – Just as I can't assume that you know what it means to stack Yaper. Yes. Yeah, he was Dr. Noah Drake.

Okay. When was this? That was around 81, 82, 83. Interesting. You know, I have a family friend who was on General Hospital around then. And I – Well, who's that person? Can you say that person's name?

Do you want me to just – his name is Hugo Napier. Okay. I don't know if his character was called Doctor something or other. I don't know. But I'll tell you, I once emailed Jimmy Pardo. He is sort of like – growing up, he was a little bit like an uncle. But he's actually my mom's goddaughter's husband. Okay.

And so one time I emailed Jimmy Pardo, hey, do you know who Hugo Napier is? Because he hasn't acted basically since the late 80s. Right. And he said, oh, yeah, that's Dr. Something. I have one remark I want to make about the documentary and then I have one question about it. I might not be able to answer any of it. OK. Go ahead.

The amazing thing about that is that throughout that movie, they tease you with Jessie's Girl. Like they don't really play it for a while. They'll play bits of it or they'll show fans singing it and they only really play the song in its entirety at the very end they have a live version that kind of has this kicks off this kind of ending montage yeah that song fucking rocks and it the live version really rocks too i was like i'm like wow i'm really enjoying this song i know it's crazy uh the thing i didn't maybe didn't take away from the movie that I would like a Rick Springfield fan to answer is that I guess other than, you know, his being about his fans, which is really amiable. Yeah. What, what draws people to this guy? Cause the music seems it's super competent,

but it seems a little bit, it seems whatever or kind of generic am i wrong about that or like so what what makes people so crazy about it i guess is what i want i think see because i agree i i mean i agree that's from the from the outside that's what it looks like but i'm like his his newest album it really really rocks and i think i think people can't get by like the couple of big hits. I think that's – I think that happens with a lot of artists. They have these iconic hits and then people – well, that's all it is. We can't get by that. He's a pretty boy.

Sure. So maybe that's it. He's a pretty boy. He's got those sweet and hearty threads. I was – I just saw him. He performed – he did a solo acoustic show in Santa Monica just a few months ago and then he took a Q&A afterwards, which I was with Mike Siegel. And Mike just kept saying, oh, every one of these questions is going to be, Rick, can I get a hug? I mean that's what we thought every question was going to be.

So anyway, one of my hobbies is I get autographs. I get vinyl and I get them autographed. And Jesse's funny. When you say vinyl, you mean like bodysuits? Like cats. No, no, no. Like a GIMP mask. Rick, would you autograph my GIMP mask? And then would you lock me in the box?

My ball gag? And then I get the artists I like to autograph. And then I put it in a frame and I hang it on the wall. I've got about 100 of these in my office at home. So I was waiting for Rick's autograph and it was just, it was me. And then one of these 50 old women. Sure.

I'm 50. So, I mean, it's not, but, uh, so, I mean,

you got her number. Her name's Mary. And she's like, are you a big Rick fan? And I said, I said, uh, I'm having so much trouble with this.

I said, uh, I said, yeah. She goes, how many times have you seen him? Now I'm, I'm a huge Rick fan? I said – I'm having so much trouble with this mic. I said, yeah. She goes, how many times have you seen him? Now, I'm a huge Rick Springfield fan. This is only the second time I've ever seen him live. So I said I've seen him twice and her jaw hit the floor because she thought – What have you been doing with your life?

Yeah. You said you're a big fan. You've basically been wasting your life. Because she had seen him like over 350 times. Oh, my god. in your life. And because she had seen him like over 350 times. Oh my God. And then she goes, I'm just out. She says, I'm just out here waiting for my hug.

And I said, what do you mean? She goes, every time I see Rick, I wait after the show and he comes over and he gives me a hug. And I was like, okay. So, so I'm like, well, if I'm going to get his autograph, I'm going to stand next to Huggy Bear and see what happens. And sure enough. As she's known. Sure enough. Her family calls her.

He comes out and she goes, hi, Rick. He goes, hey, Mary. And she goes, I'm just waiting for my hug. And he goes, here it comes. I was like, what the heck is happening here? This is happening exactly like she said it would. I did get his autograph, but not an erection. That's better.

Well, one out of two. Ideally, you'd get both. If you were a ball player, you'd be the greatest hitter of all time. What's your – do you have a prized autograph? I have Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend and Springsteen and Tom Petty, Jackson Brown, Ray Davies. I mean those were kind of hard to get. I was just turned down. Did you have to kill?

No, no. I have – I have – oh, jeez. You just got turned down. Who did you get turned down by? OK. So not only do I – Turned down Cold. I like Rick Springfield.

I also like Asia. So I know it's laugh Rick Springfield, I also like Asia. So I know it's laughable and I can laugh with you too. What's funny is – so you've been a regular guest on Never Not Funny and a regular co-host on Never Not Funny on and off for many, many years. And I've listened to Never Not Funny since the beginning. And I know about your autograph enthusiasm because of that. And, you know, typically Never Not Funny, when it comes to music conversation, Jimmy's steering the ship. Yeah.

And Jimmy's steering it directly towards Kiss. Pretty much every time. And so you, you are the guy on the show whose favorite band is Cheap Trick. Yes. And Cheap Trick is, I mean, Kiss has its own type of... Fan base? Buffoonery. No, I think Kiss has its own type of credibility.

Okay. Sort of, it has had in recent years, it's much more acceptable for a credible act to say they were influenced by Kiss, especially as a kid. Yeah. Even though they're obviously a relatively low credibility rock and roll act. Right. Exactly. And I think Cheap Trick is in the world of the type of kind of pop rock that they make, they're as credible as it gets. I think Cheap Trick is a very credible act. that they make, they're as credible as it gets.

I think Cheap Trick is a very credible act. And then you just said that your other things that you love are Rick's. I know. Well, I have a lot of things I like. But so I've been trying to get the first two Asia albums signed by all the members of the band since 2006. Right. So it's been an eight-year. Yeah. Are you – is the band all together?

Do they all – This tour, Steve Howell, who's also in Yes. And he used to be a relief pitcher for the Yankees. Yes. He finally – he has finally left Asia to concentrate on all things Yes. But luckily – Well, as long as what he's doing will have unusual time signatures all things, yes. But luckily – Well, as long as what he's doing will have unusual time signatures. Yes, exactly.

I think we can all agree that it's for the best. But luckily I got his autograph. I got him to sign these two albums about a year and a half ago and he said the strangest thing any artist has ever said to me when I asked them for a signature. He looked at me and he said, do you really want to do this? Wow. That's what he said. And of course I said, yeah.

And then he just begrudgingly signed them both. What did he mean? I don't know. Did he want to fight me? I don't know. Did he think I wanted to fight him? Did he think that maybe you were there for your first homosexual experience? I have no idea what he meant.

It was the strangest response. I'm reminded of a little movie called The Santa Claus. Is this a situation where if you sign a pact with him – If I had a dollar for every time you said that on this show. I know. I'm a broken record. Right. The Santa Claus starring Tim Allen.

Maybe is this a situation where if you swap places and then you're in Yes. And now I look like the Crypt Keeper? Yeah. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Then you become a skeleton person. Yeah. It was so strange.

Can I ask you another question? Yes. Ask me anything. Here's another possibility. Can I ask you another question? Yes, ask me anything. Here's another possibility. Do you think that it's a situation analogous to the film Jingle All the Way and you'll be wrestling with Sinbad trying to get the last toy on the show? If he signs the thing.

You guys love your Christmas movies. Listen, I think we can all agree this is a prancer situation. Classic prancer. Don't even bring up Mrs. Claus with Jenny McCarthy I swear to God Well, Sirius Jordan and Jesse Goffin Wait, what? Is that a movie?

It might not be a movie Yeah, I think that's a movie Sirius Jordan and Jesse Goffin Is she a little bit Is she like Mrs. Claus But less traditional and more brassy? Probably That sounds about right

Probably And against vaccinations She wouldn't have any of the reindeer vaccinated. Sure, yeah. They all have Lyme disease. Hoof and mouth? Yeah. Hoof and mouth, maybe?

You were just going to start saying... Regular fans. Any serious Jordan Jesse Goh fan knows that Jordan's favorite genre of movie is Santa movies. Yeah. It's my favorite genre of movie when I'm trying to seem interesting on a date. Yeah. You know, you're making chit-chat. Are you single?

I am, yeah. Okay. So if there's any ladies out there who are into Santa movies, give me a call. But hey, okay, I just want to – I want something further to the ladies out there. I know you love Bad Santa. It's hilarious. It's not a Santa movie. When I say I like Santa movies, I mean movies where Santa is real in the world of the movie.

Like Elf. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Santa Claus versus the Martians. Thank you. Yes. S-A-N-T-A-C-L-A-U-S. Hooray for Santa Claus.

And I'm sorry, but Jingle All the Way, not a Santa movie. It's a Christmas movie. Right. Right. You want it when the character of Santa is actually Santa. What about Four Christmases and a Funeral? Yeah. Well, that's about the death of Santa.

Right. That's about the aftermath of Santa's death. Right. And then there's Steel Santa, Santa Boy from Earth 2. Okay, I need to take a break. Santa Claus the movie. I need to take a break so that we can fix

Pat's microphone stand, get a little cool air in here. When we come back, we're going to find out more about the collision of Santas from multiple Earths. Well, I want to know

what the craziest thing Pat Francis has ever done in an attempt to get an autograph. I can tell you that. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Okay. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la I'm joined by my fellow podcasters, Ria Butcher. That's me. And Ricky Carmona.

I am Ricky Carmona. We talk about action and sci-fi movies on a little show called Wham Bam Pow. You can find it on MaximumFun.org. It's amazing. Super fun. True that. Reviews, news, and stuff you can use. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hello. I got scared for a second. I'm Pat Francis. Is that what you want me to say? Yeah. You can have a stupid nickname for yourself.

All right. You want to do it again? We can take this from the top. How about this? You know how you're an autograph hound? Yes. How about the hound? The hound. Okay. That's fun. I like it. Right? You know how you're an autograph hound? Yes. How about the hound? The hound. Okay.

That's fun. I like it. Right? You want to try it on for size? Yeah, sure. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Pat Francis, the hound.

Yeah. I like it. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. Actually, the stage manager over at Conan O'Brien's show calls me parking lot Pat because he said that's – I'm always out – Blowing guys in the park. Well, no.

Well, you know what? Now come to think of it, maybe that – I thought he meant because I'm always out in the parking lot getting an autograph. But apparently he meant BJs. Yeah. So let's talk about these autographs for a second. Well, potato, potato. I want to know, first of all, are there other autograph people that you know and recognize after shows? And what proportion of the people that are waiting around for autographs are enthusiasts?

And what proportion are just sad guys with a stack of 8x10s from their car trunk that are going to put them on eBay? We all seem sad, first of all. It's so funny. that are going to put them on eBay? We all seem sad, first of all. It's so funny. I see a handful of the same guys all the time. And some of the guys I think are just like me. They're a collector. It's just for them.

And then a lot of guys I do think, when they have a stack of stuff, I usually bring like two things. One for you and one to sell on eBay. No, I don't sell them on eBay. Just like to keep doubles. Yeah. In case there's a fire. Or maybe I'll put them both up or whatever. I remember when I got Neil Diamond's autograph, he said, you're not going to put this on eBay, are you?

And I said, you can personalize it if you want. And he goes, I believe you. No, Ed. I want to know your name, sir. Almost interrupted me. Too bad. You were asking what the – I don't know if it's – it's kind of crazy, I guess. What's the greatest length you've ever gone to?

Okay. Have you ever used a grappling hook? I was – I'm a very, very big Jackson Browne fan. Beloved singer-songwriter. Yes. He's Southern California's Bruce Springsteen. It's a really lovely analogy. It really works perfectly.

He's like Bruce Springsteen but more chill. Yeah, more chill. He's super chill. And I attempted to get his autograph a couple of times, but I never got face-to-face with him. He went out a different door. I don't know. Whatever. But so I saw him out at the Thousand Oaks Civic Center.

And one of the stories he told on stage was that he goes, I drove myself here tonight in my brand-new car. It was a Chevy Volt. And he talked about this car, how much he likes it because he's big into the environment and everything. He's from Southern California. Yes, that's right. So after the show, I go to the artist's entrance and I go to where the buses and stuff are parked and I see the Chevy Volt and it's plugged in.

So I'm like, that's his car. If that car's here, he's still here. So I'm going to unplug it so the battery dies. I need to give him a ride home. So I go down and I sit right next to the Chevy Volt. I'm there for about 10 minutes and then security goes, you can't be here. Hands off the Volt. Yeah, you can't be here. I said, all right. Hands off the Volt, Francis. So I go back up to this other area where I can look over and I can see the Volt and I can see everything. And security kicks me out of that area.

We should be clear. Security recognizes you from the Pat Benatar concert the previous week. It's funny you should say that. Pat Benatar. A white whale for you? She – OK. Let me jump into that real quick because you brought up Pat Benatar. OK.

Sure. Now let's – I'm at the Canyon Club. Let's just – let's follow this crazy train down whatever track it wants to go. I'm waiting at the Canyon Club to get Pat Benatar's autograph. I'm the only person waiting. She comes walking down the ramp. Can someone remind me what a Pat Benatar hit is?

Hit me with your best shot Fire away With your story, Pat She comes walking down the ramp I'm not dressed That was fun It was And my name's Pat

I've never had more fun on a podcast I'm not dressed as a freak I'm like a shirt like this one and maybe a nice clean hoodie. Yeah. I mean sometimes you will dress like a freak with a second neck. Yeah. You have a chicken that you're about to bite the head off. Pinhead.

Yeah. So she comes down. You have seal flippers on because you're a seal boy. And I said, Pat, can I get a signature? And she said – she goes, yeah, just let me get in here real quick. She pointed to her car, which was right there. Yeah. So I thought, OK, she's going to get in her car and she's going to get in and then she's going to roll the window down and call me over.

No, she does not do that. She just gets in the car. And leaves? No, she just shuts the door and nothing – Does this end with you pursuing Pat Benatar down the one freeway, a high-speed chase? I'll add to that in one second. OK. Her husband comes down next, Neil Giraldo.

He's her guitarist and he's just as much a part of – Oh, that's sweet. I didn't know that they were together. Yeah. He's just as much a part of – Was he her guitarist during when she was at her most famous? He was put to – she was like put together with a band. He was the guitarist and then they fell in love.

Oh, that's kind of a lovely story. OK. So he comes down. I said, OK. I'll ask Neil. I go, Neil, can I get a signature? And he says to me, oh, buddy, I can't do that. And he gets in the car and then the car leaves.

Oh, boy. So I don't know what – So you jump on your Vespa. I get in my car. And? And I follow them just to see what – Just to see what their home address is. I don't know why I did it.

Just to see what's in their garbage. I don't know why I did it. Just to see what's in their garbage. I don't know why I did it. To see if they have any pets that will be easy to kill. They literally drove up the street to get in a Jack in the Box drive-thru to get food. They went to Jack in the Box? Wait, so you're telling me that Pat Benatar, after a big show in Southern California. Is it Chalupa? Just because of Jack in the Box?

Yeah. Well, I'll be. Now I've heard it all, guys. Boy, I think she comes out of the story looking pretty good. She's super down to earth. She likes Jack in the Box just like me. Can I – And lies to her fans.

Can I give you guys a dramatic reenactment of the interaction at the Jack in the Box drive-thru window? Do you want me to be the drive-thru worker? Yeah. Welcome to Jack and Mark's. How can I take your order? Hit me with your best shot. You want fries with that? Fire away.

What if they ordered their food there and the guy at the speaker box said, Oh, Pat, I can't do that. I can't do that. I can't get you that. Can I have curly fries instead of regular? Okay. I can't do that. So you've gone from unusual to criminal.

Yes. Let's pick the story back. Thousand Oaks Civic Center. I'm still there. The security now removes me – not physically, but they tell me you can't be here. Anyway, cut to two weeks later. I'm jacking off at Pat Benatar's shed. This is back to Jackson Brown.

I can't be at the artist entrance. So I go and I crouch down in some bushes. I crouch down in some bushes. Crouch down in some bushes. I crouch down in some bushes. Put on your infrared goggles. Where I can still see the Chevy Volt because there's lights by it. As I'm in the bushes. The good news is you got the dark gun with you.

I'm going to put him down. And then I'm going to put a sharpie in his hand. I'm just going to move his hand and do the signature myself. You're tightening the belt around your neck, preparing for a very intense orgasm. So now all the lights go out at the Thousand Oaks Civic Center except in this artist's parking lot. And security, they literally walk by me crouched in a bush and they get in their cars and they all leave. Yeah. You can still see the vault at this point.

The vault is still there. So now I'm like, I'm the only one here. Me and Jackson Brown are the only one at the venue currently. So you put on some music, turn the lights down a little bit. Pour some wine. A few rose petals out on the car. So – But I waited the – I still don't wait by the vault.

You're best shot. I waited. I go back to the artist entrance because I see light under the artist. I still don't wait by the vault. You're best shot. I waited. I go back to the artist's entrance because I see light under the door. So I know there's a light one in there. It's totally ridiculous. And then eventually – That sounds like you're a real tough cookie with a long history. I know.

So eventually the door opens. Jackson Brown comes out with four handlers. And I said, hey, Jackson, can I get – they're startled of all, because they don't expect anyone to be in the dark. And you've leapt out of the bush. You've propelled yourself forward with a cheetah-like pounce. And his handler just put a flashlight on the album and he signed it nicely. And I said, thanks. Great show.

Yes, thank you. And that was it. But that was a long – that was quite a wait. At what point did you murder him? It makes the autograph more valuable, Patrick. That's true. I have to remember this. You know, I waited for – my friend –

Are you a fan? Like are you a fanatic fan of someone that you would love to meet? And you too. I'm not discounting you. I host a public radio program where I can invite people onto my show. That's true. I can have a sincere – like I had recentlyhmael butler of diggable planets and shabazz palaces on the program um and that's somebody that um you know that i had a really

i you know the second diggable planets album which is called blowout comb was like the record that i listened to over and over and over and over when i was in eighth grade right you know what i mean like over and over and over and uh that's exciting if you can sit down with these people. It makes me a little bit nervous though. Does it? Usually in a normal circumstance, I'm fine. Like just meeting a famous person doesn't make me nervous. Sometimes if it's a really beautiful lady, that makes me a little nervous because I'm like, I shouldn't be talking to this person.

Too good looking. Yeah. Well, your wife is very beautiful. You'd have to talk to her every day. That's a good point. But I'm used to I shouldn't be talking to this person. Too good looking. Yeah. Well, your wife's very beautiful. You'd have to talk to her every day. That's a good point. But I'm used to that. Okay. And your wife has a no eye contact policy, right?

That's also true. You have to whisper. When you had to talk to your wife for the first time, how did that work when you first met her? You had to have got up some man balls. You know what? I took a lot of chances when I was a teen. All right. He thought you were immortal. Yeah, I did.

Once Ava Mendes touched my leg. Hello. I could not talk. I was like lost. Okay, let's start over. But usually I'm not that worried about it, but I have had a couple of that, but that's the thing. Like it has also made me feel so much more aware of how human people whose work I admire are that I really don't get – you know, even with Ishmael Butler who had meant all this.

I mean I was really excited to get to talk to him. And, you know, at the end of our interview I said, you know, I just – Ishmael, I just wanted to tell you, you know, the – I List Blowout Comb was like the record that I listened to over and over when I was a teenager. Yeah. And it really meant and means a lot to me. So thanks for coming by. And he was grateful to hear it. And I did get his autograph, which I'll basically never do. But yeah, there's relatively few.

Did you get it on an album? What did you get it on? I did get it on an album. I got it on a copy of Blowout Comb on MP. I only get nervous because I think that the guest isn't going to show up. So I'm nervous. I never think anyone's going to walk through the door. Sure.

We're recording at 12 noon. Are they going to come in? I had Melissa Etheridge on my show and John Waite and Marshall Crenshaw. And these people really mean a lot to me. Right. And so Melissa Etheridge was just like the greatest person ever. And I had her – Is it better than Abraham Lincoln?

What did Abraham Lincoln do again? I'm going to say League of Nations. Yeah. Is that right? League of Legends. League of Legends. He's a professional video game player. Yeah. He's a barbarian. video yeah he's a he's a barbarian he's very close celebrity it's very close it's very close okay but uh but you know during through through interviewing her i had her and john wait

both tear up at stuff i was telling them about how much certain songs meant to me or something and oh not because they were telling an emotional story to you no because you the you were taking the interview as an opportunity to just gush well yeah because yes i yeah i was gushing but it was but i but i really mean it too it wasn't just like and at the end of the thing that the thing that i find after when when anyone comes on my show i think they think like what the fuck is this what are we doing here and then afterwards they all say this was so much fun this is really great because i let them what was the last time the guitarist from the cars elliot easton got to talk for two hours unedited about his entire career his wife doesn't let him

talk like that no she no she said she was there during that recording she was like oh boy and he got to hold the remote that whole time right right? That's right. That's right. So I love meeting people that I admire. Yeah, and I think all of us have probably had a moment where we're like, okay, well, like here's this famous person. I probably shouldn't tell them that they're great and I probably shouldn't gush because I've got this idea that it happens to famous people all the time. Because I've got this idea that it happens to famous people all the time. I think that maybe the people that we like, other than maybe like a Pat Benatar, are probably people who get it occasionally but not so often that it ruins their life. I think like if Tom Cruise was our favorite person and we're like, oh, should I say something to Tom Cruise? Probably not. But I think that being kind of aficionado-y, nerdy type people, I think the people we love probably are in a position where they only hear it a couple times a week and it's still fun.

Well, like with Melissa Etheridge, I went really specific with her. She has a song called Tuesday Morning, which is about 9-11. And it's about – and I can't pull his name now. But who's the guy that said let's roll on the plane? Sure. The let's roll guy. Yeah. Well, there was a fourth –

I'll be sure. There was a fourth guy on the plane who was homosexual that also helped out. He was one of the four guys that took over the plane and had a crash. But he doesn't get any, he never, you never heard anything. You only heard about the let's roll guy. And I told her that that song to me,

cause I love that song. I said, your song Tuesday morning to me is as good as anything that Bruce Springsteen wrote about nine 11 on his album, the rising. And she just lent, she just was like really taken by that. And I meant it cause I,

I, I really do feel that way. It wasn't like, I'm going to say this and then she's going to sign my goddamn album. Yeah. When I was in college, my friend Noah from college was a big let's wait for to get autographs guy.

And it never occurred to me. But I think his dad was an autograph guy or something like that. And I was like, wait, so if you just wait around, they'll give you their autograph. And he's like, yeah, totally. Yeah. So, uh, I tell people, they go, how did you get this autograph? I go, you wait 30 years and 90 minutes and they'll sign.

Yeah. Because all the artists I like were big 30 years ago. Just after the show, be eyeballing all the prime bushes. So go, I'm sorry, say no. So the best experience I had waiting for an autograph was with the rapper Common, The best experience I had waiting for an autograph was with the rapper Common, who was just about to have his smash hit The Light. As I'm sure you know, Pat.

Oh, my God. I'm a big Common fan. And Common had a song. Common had a record that had, you know, it was like a battle record. that had, you know, it was like a battle record, and he used a derogatory word for gays that starts with F. Fairies. Close. Wait, I don't... You know what?

Let's not try and guess. Oh, we shouldn't guess? No. Yeah. No, Pat, I don't think it's necessary to... I think you'll figure it out. It's right on the tip of my tongue. Yeah.

I can't think of what it is. It always is. Pat, you're a homophobe. No. No, he's not. So anyway, so he had this song that had – and me and a friend of mine were in the front row. And when he did that song, I was like, geez, is he going to do that lyric? Yeah.

Because he's generally an uplifting type rapper. Yeah. And he did. Was it in the context of the song, is it about gay people or is it just about somebody else? No, it's not about gay people. It's just a- About a guy he doesn't like. Yeah.

Gotcha. Exactly. So he's not saying don't call people this word. No, he's not. It's neither the worst nor the best case scenario. It's a lousy scenario and not a hateful or murderous scenario. Okay, okay. So he's using it as a sort of a generic insult but still inappropriate.

And I booed him and we were in like the front row. It was not a huge show. I mean, this is in Santa Cruz, you know, so it was, you know, maybe a 500-person show or something. Booed him. And then – Like under your breath boo or really full out boo? Yeah. Full out.

All right. And, you know, we're in there. You know, we're like rapping along with all the songs. We knew all the songs at the time and stuff, you know. So we were right in the front. So we booed him and he sort of like looked at us for a minute. And then after the show, we waited to talk to him and get his autograph. And to boo him one-on-one.

Hey, I think you're great. I just wanted to say boo. Boo. Yeah. Well, so anyway, so he got his autograph and um you know he sort of maybe he sort of recognizes like oh you know we we we're big fans booed for a minute in your song and you know i hope you understand why you know made us uncomfortable and yeah whatever and uh and he said uh and he said you know i i i totally understand i really appreciate it and i get where

you're coming from. I've been thinking a lot about that in that song lately myself and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He gave a very sincere, heartfelt answer. And then he never – I mean I'm not causality. I'm not attributing causality to it. But he didn't use that language going forward and in fact recorded a big song about a gay friend who had HIV later on, which for a rapper is a pretty big deal. It is. And I was – it was just a very nice experience that I had – rather than just booing this dude.

Yeah. Which I mean is something. But then we had this nice talk about it and he was really sweet about it and said he thought about it and he doesn't use that language anymore. And not many people that boo an artist then wait to say – to glad hand him afterwards. That's true. Well, I mean that was legitimate. I was and am a fan of his. So that was part of why otherwise I wouldn't have just not been there.

You know what I mean? So that probably made you a bigger fan because of the way – Yeah, because he was such a decent guy. Nice. Yeah, I had a lot of – every person that I waited for – I can't remember. I'm trying to remember who else. Me and Noah Finneyberg waited for an autograph of The Roots outside of a show at the Maritime Hall in San Francisco. Got all The Roots autographs.

They were all exceedingly nice. Talib Kweli, Most Def, Michelle Ndega Ocello, and Ozo Motley. Do you still have these autographs? Yeah, you know, like rolled up in a poster tube somewhere. They're not up on my walls. But yeah, it's kind of an interesting – it's an odd thing. I like it. Honestly, like I know people are into taking a picture with somebody now.

Yeah. Autographs are less of a big deal. I almost like having an autograph, like a personally inscribed autograph more. Yeah. Than a weird shitty picture that your friend took. Yeah. You really slow down the pace too when you jump in there for a picture. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like some people are waiting for autographs and all of a sudden, can I get a picture? Well, not if it's somebody else using your phone. The first couple are going to be bad. Well, when I saw Elvis Costello at the Will Turn, I got his autograph after that show. When people wanted pictures, he took their camera and he took the selfie himself. Oh. It's like the coolest guy.

Elvis Costello has a mastery of various camera phones. But I thought, I'm like, wow, that's really, you can say, this is a picture of me and Elvis Costello and a mastery of various camera phones. But I thought, I'm like, wow, that's real. You can say, this is a picture of me and Elvis Costello, and he took it. Yeah, this is a picture of me by Elvis Costello. It's a portrait of me as photographed. What if that's what you just wait behind, you just wait after shows, and then you just hand them a camera and say, can you take a picture of me? That would be unique.

Kind of shoulders up. Don't get a lot of body into it. Some headroom. Rule of thirds. Rule of thirds. I don't want to have to do any. Don't center the subject in the frame. I don't want to have to do any cropping on this when I get home.

I just want it to be as is. Hold it down a little bit longer so we get the flash. Thank you, Elvis Costello. What was the worst experience that you ever had? Pat Benatar was pretty disappointing. Did you get to stop at Jack in the Box, though?

I just... He just kept going. Yeah, I just kept going. He's gotten a couple of tacos. It's just disappointing. You fire a few shots, you gotta get out of there. I'll tell you what, this past Sunday night with the last Asia signature I needed is the singer. It's Asia Carrera. That's a porn star, right?

Star of pornography? Yeah. I think so. So it's just me and another guy and Mike Schmidt who likes to come out with me to shows and wait. He gets a kick out of it. Past guest on this program. Most of the 40-year-old boy podcast. Also from the world of pornography.

He gets a kick. Mike Thick Dick Shlong. It's not the 40-inch boy. That's a completely different show. So I see – It's about a man with a really sad life. So I see the lead singer and he's – Thick dick though.

Wait. Is 40 the thickness of his dick? Yeah. That would be crazy. No, length and width. It's a perfect square. I'm like a really big dude and I have a 38 inch waist. Yeah, I mean who could accommodate that? Oh yeah, no, his dick could be your belt.

You'd maybe have to make some new notches. Wait, if it was the length. You mean if I wore it like a tree ring? Yeah. Maybe if I cut out the inside of it? Yes. Oh, no, the dick's as long as it is wide. I hope that on his deathbed he donates his dick to a belt company so that they can make belts out of his skin.

That's a good point. Penis skin. That would be something enthusiasts would want. I'll get one of those limited edition Mike Schmidt dick belts Did he sign it? No he was dead I see you've got snake skin and eel skin Well I have Mike Schmidt skin What were we talking about?

Me getting the Asia's autograph I run To the car he's getting into. And it's just me and another guy and then Mike Schmidt tailing behind. I get to the car and I say, John, can I get a signature? And he just waves. It's like not a hello wave.

It's like he's waving me off. Like that. And I said, is that a yes? Because it's been years. I'm going to keep running, okay? Yes. I'm going to continue running at you. And Mike Schmidt was so pleased at my line of trying to continue to get it.

I said, is that a yes? And he waved off again. And I said, do you want me to come over to the car and you'll roll down the window and you'll sign? And just then the other guy runs up and gets next to me. What's that? Cut off a lock of your hair? Okay. And he doesn't.

He just gets in the car and he just drives away. So I go home disappointed. I get on my rock solid Twitter feed and John Whetton. Oh, boy. John Whetton is the singer from Asia. He says, great show tonight at the Canyon Club. Something like, great to see the fans. Whatever he said.

And so I respond, unbelievable show tonight, John. You guys sounded better than ever. Just wish you would have given those two guys, the only two guys waiting, an autograph. He responds. Like immediately, he says, well, if those two gentlemen wouldn't have been smoking, I would have. But after a show, I just can't be around that. Okay, well. Okay.

No, I wasn't smoking. And neither was the other guy. We don't smoke. Were you just standing near a fire? No. Nowhere was there smoking. Do you think it's possible that someone had given you a hot foot and you hadn't noticed yet? Classic college prank.

Maybe my feet were on fire from running to the car to try to get us. So then I respond because I can't let it go. No. I said, okay,

I go, I appreciate that you're trying to save face. Oh boy. But I said, but... Shots fired. Finally,

someone's taking on the lead singer of Asia, right? Taking him to task for what a phony he is. Yeah, but I said neither one of those – because they don't teach me. Those men are still keeping up the premise. Neither one of those gentlemen were smoking.

And he responds back and he corrects my grammar because whatever I said, I said neither one was or neither one were. Whatever I said was wrong. Let me just summarize. You fucked up big time. Yeah. You fucked up big time. Yeah. I fucked up big time with the grammar. So he says, I'm not trying, I don't need to say face or ass. I've never heard that.

Saving ass? Yeah. He says. You don't have an ass collection? I don't. And he says, and then he said, and it's, and then he corrected my grammar, put the correct, whatever the correct form of the sentence was. Huh.

And you were tweeting from your rock solid account? Yes. That's a good use of your show. But then – I know. I never get him as a guest. Then I go to my personal account and then favorite all my remarks. And then I think I said – respond from there like, yeah, John. Something like that.

Something witty like that. Jerk. It's pretty funny. Is this something that you did as a kid, as a teenager? No. I just – I started doing this like – Late in life to get pussy? I started doing this maybe 15 years ago.

Yeah. I just wanted to get Cheap Tricks autograph because they were my favorite band and it was a piece of cake. So I'm like, I wonder if you can get... You just hung outside Budokan. I said, I wonder if you have to flew to Japan. Have you ever watched the Cheap Trick episode of American Pickers? Yes.

It's so phony. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. What do they do? Well, on American Pickers, this is a television program. This is certainly the worst television program that I watch regularly. It could be worse. It's not the worst program of that type. It's a perfectly decent program of that type, but it's a low-quality type of program.

Yeah, it is. It very much is. So what they do is they go around mostly the Midwest and they go to the homes of people that they pretend aren't dealers. And some of them, I'm sure, are you know, hyper, super obsessive collectors. And they go through their barns and buy their gas pumps. Mostly gas pumps. Not exclusively gas pumps, but mostly gas pumps. So the premise is that, like, we're just going to go through an ordinary barn and see what we find.

Yeah. Well, no, it's like the premise is that they're like antiques dealers. But they don't – not really antiques, more like male decorative items. Okay. Almost everything they buy has something to do with gasoline. Okay. Sometimes they'll buy a motorcycle. So this is some sweet gear for your man cave then.

This is – exactly. And they go to the homes of collectors that live in these places where you just have outbuildings, you know, four outbuildings. You go through it. live in these places where you just have outbuildings, you know, four outbuildings, go through it. And one day on one of these episodes, so for a while there on the show, I've seen a lot of episodes of this program, they decided to integrate much more narrative into it. And so I think they must have had success the time that they did some picking on behalf of William Shatner. They had to buy some equestrian items.

Not Star Trek items? No, no, no, no, no. A baker's rack they ended up buying him, I think. It was a nice baker's rack. Sure. But they, for some reason, had to go to the Cheap Trick guy's house. It's in Rockford, Illinois. His storage. So they went to promote his restaurant or museum.

Pat's like, I've been lurking outside there. I know what it's like to lurk outside. I remember it was called Rick's Picks. Right? Yes, yes. Was it a restaurant or a museum? I think he had a show like of his guitars because he has like a thousand guitars or something. Right.

And then he went to his storage unit. They went to his storage unit and just like bought a couple of posters from Live at Boudicca. But it was an impressive storage unit. I mean, to see. For a Cheap Trick fan like myself. So, yeah. You just needed to get. I just wanted.

I just. All I could think of the whole time I was watching it is, oh, Cheap Trick. That's Pat Francis's favorite band. Yeah. I wonder if he's there waiting for an autograph. They open up a storage shed and I'm there. Hey, guys. Meanwhile, the whole time the two guys who host the show are pretending they know what

Cheap Trick is. Yeah. And they don't. No. Not at all. You didn't think they were Cheap Trick fans? Well, it was weird because 20 minutes of this thing is them going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or something to look at a guitar collection as though that's inappropriate.

Look, I have a lot of strong feelings about this. You still watch it though? Yeah. I'm still – do I watch Aussie Pickers, the Australian version sometimes, and Canadian Pickers, the Canadian version? Wow. Sure, I watch those sometimes when I'm ironing. It's the number one time when I watch that.

You don't watch this in lieu of playing with your children or having a conversation with your wife. No, I don't talk to my wife or play with my children. It's not a concern. Not something people need to worry about. Listen, when they start

having angles on some sweet antique gas pumps, then maybe you'll talk to them. You do have to watch those shows. You do have to do something to qualify watching those shows.

Like, I'll put on The Housewives of New Jersey, but I make sure that I'm like folding laundry or doing something, but you are my taxes. You're a, you're a sometime, I mean, you're sometimes a story editor on story produce on shows like that.

Yeah. I worked on one and you're, it's, it's a, it's a professional interest for you. Hmm. Come on, we're trying to help you out here.

Go with this. I worked on a show a few years ago where it was going to be some guys in the swamp finding treasures. And so in my first meeting – Swamp nuggets? I'm not going to say the name of the show. But they – Swamp treasures. It's called Swamp Guys Looking for Treasures.

The first meeting I had, I go – Bog jackpot. I said, are some of these items going to be planted? And the guy just looked at me straight in the eye and goes, oh, every one. So it's like, well, that's so not fun. So not fun to watch the footage of people finding the fake treasure that they know is there. And they're not good actors. No.

Come over here, Cletus. I think I found something. They're just simple swamp folk. What do they know from acting? Right. And then they pull out like a rusted anchor. Come over here, Cletus. I think I found something. They're just simple swamp folk. What do they know from acting? Right. And then they pull out like a rusted anchor. This anchor, this might have been here since the – Let me just like keep the integrity of the show.

There were just some episodes where they don't find anything. They just hang around the swamp. Nothing today. Back to the shack. Jimmy Pardo and I worked on a VH1 show called Bands Reunited. We worked on the pilot and then subsequently weren't picked up to work on the show when it got picked up. But I asked the guy. I said, now, what if –

He seemed cool with that. Not at all. Because every – Well, it's been 10 years. So it seems like the wound has healed. This was one of those things where every suggestion or idea that Jimmy and I gave, they went, no. And then when the show went to air every single one of the things we suggested was they used and it was so disappointing but um

we said will there ever be a time where you try to get the band back together and they don't and they just don't get back together and that would be a show and they're like no that would be that wouldn't be a good show i'm like no yes it would be because you would see you would you would see the the the journey of meeting the guys and them not wanting to do it and so that would't be a good show. I'm like, no, yes, it would be. Because you would see the journey of meeting the guys and them not wanting to do it. And so that would still be interesting TV. And they're like, if there's not a song at the end, then no, that would not be good.

I'm like, see, I don't like this reality stuff sometimes. But they did start finding, I mean, one good idea that you gave them was that they should find treasures. In swamps. They said, we can't get back together because we can't find our guitars. And we said, we think they're buried under Santa Monica Pier. And then we took them there and they dug and they found them and then Loverboy played. The one of these shows that I like the most is called Bar Rescue.

And they even had an episode – this is where a loud dad who is mean and who owns one sport coat goes to various bars that are failing and turns them into cheesy nightclubs and yells at people and then tells them to fix their familial relationships if there are any involved in the business and they even have an episode where he just said he could not save the bar and they even like promoted it his name is john taffer and the whole time they were encouraging you to hashtag while you watch the show taffer walks because he walked at the end he says i can't do this you guys are too Taffer walks. I'm worried about the people that are tweeting that hashtag. I know. Yeah. Who's – yeah, I always wonder that too of like – yeah, I mean along with TV shows, other than Scandal because I mean let's face it. Is there a juicier hour on television?

There is not. Well, how to get away with murder. That's true. The good wife. The good – no, OK. But yeah, like who loves the hashtag? General Hospital if you're watching back-to-back episodes. Watch the original with the Dr. No Drake, please.

I will. Thank you. Go back. But also like when commercials want you to like – hey, tell us what your Arby's Jamocha moment is. What's your Jamocha moment? Oh my god. Who is the person who sees that?

Who's like, yeah, I'm going to share some jamocha moments i had a great one with the lead singer of asia yeah anyways yeah what kind of monster what kind of inhuman monster someone sits down on twitter and types i was having a particularly sensual moment with my wife. I was really pounding away. At that type. I lost my erection. Hashtag Chimoka moment. I would do hashtag penis walks. We'll be back in just a second.

I'll join Jesse and go. The Muppet Show, World War II, the song I Knew You Were Waiting for Me by Aretha Franklin and George Michael. So many great things have come from the collaboration between the U.S. and the U.K. But never let us forget that at the heart of it all, our two nations are deadly rivals. Join me, Dave Holmes, for International Waters, a transatlantic panel game that pits comedians in London and comedians in Los Angeles against each other. It's like the Revolutionary War, but with, like, way more jokes about One Direction and cinema.

Find it in iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm parking lot Pat Francis. Oh, man. Just out there, S&Ds and drug-like bees. S& As. And then another kind of S and Ds.

And seeing As is collecting autographs. Sure, yeah. Sure. No, that's what I meant. Oh, seeking autographs. Seeking autographs, sucking dicks. Okay, great. S and Ds.

Two different S and Ds. Seeing Vs is juggling balls. Yeah. Okay. While you S the D. Yeah, sure. And to a certain extent, you're S-ing the A because's is juggling balls. Yeah. Okay. While you S the D. Yeah, sure. And to a certain extent, you're S-ing the A because you're hoping that's the payoff. At the end, you wipe off a corner of your mouth.

And then you hold up your 8x10. I mean, ideally, they would jizz on the 8x10. Yeah. That's what we call God's autograph. And then if you got home in time, you could stick it right on the wall. You wouldn't even need a frame. Well, then your guests won't be able to see it. Oh, we actually have them jizz on the back.

Yeah, that's what I would have them do. You want to have them jizz on both sides? Guys, I think we figured this out. Yeah, sure. Because it comes with – the nice thing is you can actually get a pre-cut 8x10 frame with a built-in blacklight. Oh. So you can really check it out. I mean how many times do you get your hero's DNA?

Yeah. Not many. Man, I cannot wait. By the way, I am so excited to build a half-Tulipqually, half-dinosaur monster for my island. Yeah. When something moment – Your monster for my island. Yeah. When something momentous – Your island of freaks. Yeah, sure.

I thought he was – That you are creating to spat in the face of God. They don't dress like freaks. No. These aren't autograph seekers. When something momentous happens to you, we have you call us for our segment Momentous Occasions. The telephone number 206-984-4

FUN. 206-984-4 F-U-N. Put in your goddamn phone. Let's take the first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, possible guest. This is Kevin, formerly San Francisco, just recently moved to New York City. I just got off the one train, and

the guy next to me had this small plastic bag he'd gotten from a bodega that had three items in it it had some uh some ritz crackers some uh some chocolate peanut m&ms and it had easily 150 boxes of magnum condoms that he was slowly sifting through and counting. And when I say boxes, I mean wrapped up multi-pack together, like maybe 20, 25 condoms to a pack. This guy either had a huge evening planned or he was running some sort of grift. Anyway, thanks again for a great show. Bye. Don't buy those condoms.

It's a long con. Yeah, right? Do you think it's possible that Mike Schmidt was visiting New York? Because, you know, he's got that 40 by 40. Yeah, that's a... I don't even know if they make a condom. That, by the way, is a new series of ESPN specials. About giant dicks? 40 by 40.

Fascinating. They're fascinating. They really go deep. Do you feel like this guy said that he was formerly of San Francisco, now of New York, just to pander to me. I think so, yeah. Like we're just going to now – people are just going to call up and be like, oh, my name's – I don't know if you've realized this, Jesse.

People from San Francisco like to tell you they're from there. They like to bring it up randomly. It's Willie. Same name as Willie McGee, former Red Fielder of the San Francisco Giants. Anyway, I'm calling from Ketchikan, Alaska. Yeah. Different guy, just to be clear.

Start pandering to me. Call me when you're watching Bar Rescue and it's on in the background. Hey, Jordan, I'm watching this is Jordan. I'm watching the one where they saved the pirate bar,

turned it into a respectful white collar place. Anyway. Are they not pandering to you by also being named Jordan? Oh, yeah. Yes, I know.

Hey, Jordan, this is Jordan. Hey, Jordan, it's me, Jordan. Yeah. Not my real name. Just wanted to say it was. Thought you'd like that. Let's take our next call.

Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. This is Val. I just got to Portland for my brother's wedding. I'm driving down to Corvallis with my baby sister. We took our middle sister. We just saw a horse in the middle of a field.

And it fell over, and it rolled onto its back, and it started wiggling its butt around, and it crashed back in the grass. It was the most awesome thing ever. Thanks, guys. Love the show. Bye. That's great.

Yeah, she fucking knows how to do it. You know what? You know what is just always magical? What's that? Is when an animal has an accident. Mm-hmm. Well, I thought she said it rolled over on purpose to scratch its own back. Well, it fell over, but then it decided to scratch its back.

Yeah, while it was there. How does a horse just fall over? I've never seen that happen ever. They're much bigger on top than they are on the bottom. Well, also some horses are drunk. Did you know that? I did not know that. Some horses are alcoholics.

Some horses have peanut butter on the roof of their mouth. Oh, I know. Like Mr. Ed. It causes them to fall. Messes with their equilibrium. Yeah, I always like it when a dog is running and it hits something or when a cat tries to jump and fucking misses it. That shit is hilarious. And also, like, I don't know.

It's kind of beautiful in a way, you know? Like, it really seems like the universe has its shit together when an animal has an accident, you know? I also want to commend this woman on really understanding what's at the heart of a momentous occasion call. She called in a timely fashion. You could tell. I mean, she's on the road. She's on the road. She's like, put my phone on speaker.

I got to call Jesse and Jordan. Call Jordan and Jesse. Go momentous occasions line. Yeah. She's like, put my phone on speaker. I got to call Jesse and Jordan. Call Jordan and Jesse. Go momentous occasions line. Yeah. She had it in her phone. Granted, would the story have been the same if she would have done it later on or the next day? Yeah, the content would have been the same. But the energy wasn't there.

The energy. The energy. There's a sound quality to it. And furthermore. The immediacy of it. Look, we get a lot of people calling. It's the first time I ever put such and such into my butt. You know what I mean?

Sure. Like, oh, it's the first. That's fine. Sure. But my calls, you guys never put my calls on. I'm glad to hear about your butt. Congratulations. You technically don't call the line.

You call me. I just- You do leave me voicemail. I just text it to you with a picture. Yeah. That's called sexting. Oh. My wife told me I wasn't allowed to do that. Okay. She's lying. You are. Oh, okay.

I appreciate someone that understands that at the heart of momentous occasions is immediacy, urgency. And an animal doing something funny. Sure. Just something funny happening.

Yeah. It doesn't have to be gross or complicated. Just a horse shaking its butt on the ground in the dirt is funny. That's great. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org, our email address. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. love you, love you. filling in for Steel Santa. Is this a boy from Earth 2? Is this a Silver Age?

Like one of those complicated? Yes, it's very complicated. Shaq will play Steel Santa in the movie. Like a 70s Jack Kirby type situation. Thank you, yes. Okay. Santa's from multiple Earths. Gotcha.

Pat Francis, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you very much. This has been a lot of fun. I actually brought a... I have a hot pocket in my pocket, and it'll be cooked by the time I get out of this room. Oh, good. You guys record here every week. Why would you wear that and why would you wear a flannel shirt and jeans if you know how hot it is in this room? This is not flannel.

I'm wearing a cashmere turtleneck. And I'm dressed in my typical lumberjack outfit. Sure. I would have never worn my mohair suit had I known. I do wish I had worn a shirt. I was coming from something. Okay. But I could have worn a shirt.

You know what? I should have worn shorts. Pat, I was going to argue you. I was going to try and save face. No, I'm a chump. I should have worn shorts. Number one, I don't need to save face or ass. I dress the way I dress because I have a certain inbuilt dignity.

Yes. Except on the day that we shot the video that was a tour of our office. That day I was dressed very poorly. I feel like typically when we do this show, you're pretty cash. I keep it cash because it's toasty in here. It's the weekend. I think when people envision you, they think of a guy who's wearing a tuxedo everywhere. Yeah, and I wear a tuxedo after five. Sure.

You know, we start recording the show at four. You put on the tuxedo halfway through the show. Exactly. I'm in before we get to that five o'clock, that halfway point, I'm usually wearing a stroller. That's day formal. Sure. That's day formal, folks. That's what President Reagan wore to his inaugural.

And don't say you were dressed poorly when you're dressed like how normal people usually dress. You were dressed standard in a T-shirt and jeans. That's not poorly. Okay. That's what normal people wear. Thank you for having me on. It was a pleasure. Pat Francis is the host of the podcast Rock Solid,

which you can find in your information tunes. In your... I'm thinking about dropping an episode into everyone's iTunes library. That's a good idea. You know what people will love? That. Yeah.

That certainly will get no blowback. People are going to be like, wait, free rock solid? Great. Oh, wait, it's coming every week now. Wait a minute, now it won't stop. Oh, we did not want this. Yeah. You know who would be really upset?

Pat Benatar. If I ever have her on the show, I need to tell her that story. Are you going to get the guy from Asia's Autograph in the future? I don't even know if I ever have her on the show I need to tell her that story are you going to get the guy from the guy from Asia's Autograph in the future I don't even know if I'm going to try again

I think you are if yeah I am I believe in you Pat I think you can do it I'm going to be real aggressive this time though I'm going to be real aggressive

you can you can post about our program on your social medias hashtag it JJ Go we can like us on Facebook on Facebook social medias, hashtag it JJGo. You can like us on Facebook. On Facebook, a lot of things popping off on that new Facebook group at facebook.com slash maximumfund.org.

A lot of good stuff happening on the Reddit. You know what? Somebody will post this show on Reddit when it goes up. You'd think it's just LAW. LA Looks. LA Looks. LA Looks. The creator of the gel. You think it's just LA Looks on there posting comments.

Sure. But it's not. We'll get 60, 70 comments on one episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go. Different conversations are going on. That's cool. Sometimes there will be a link to Dragon's fucking car. Sometimes not. Yeah. Depending on if it's prevalent to the episode.

That's at MaximumFun.reddit.com. Of course, our forum. Still lots of comments on the forum, forum.maximumfun.org. Lots of great places you can follow up on this program, which I insist that you do. Brian Fernandez, our producer, Sonny D over there. Love you by the free design, courtesy of the free design, and Light in the Attic Records is our theme music.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. MaximumFun. Go.