Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 352: That Vape Life with Mike Royce

Episode Date: November 24, 2014

Television producer and writer Mike Royce joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's new lifestyle, Guy Fieri's restaurant in New York, and Star Trek movies.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. What's wrong? Are you not?

Okay, so I'll give the listener a recap. For about 10 years, you were known as Jordan Morris Boy Detective. It was a stupid name that we came up with when you were 18 and I was 19. So that's coming up on 15 years now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, it works pretty well. It had some upsides and some downsides. Plus upside, it's fun.

It's kicky. Downside, of course, it could make you seem less than. Sure. Juvenile, silly, empty. It's infantilizing. Yeah. You know, which was a positive or negative. I did get invited to a lot of adult baby parties.

Right, which is fun. Which is hot. Which is super fun. Which is hot. If that doesn't make you hot under the collar, I don't know what will. Yeah. But last week on the program, well, two weeks ago on the program, you threw in towards the end of the show a switch up in your nickname from Jordan Morris Boy Detective to Jordan Morris Steel Santa. Now to Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Now, of course, I love this because I love anything Santa. Sure.

And I love the- He's the reason for the season. You got it. Let's put the Santa back in Christmas. Yeah, please. Hashtag Fox News. Hashtag presents. Yeah, sure.

Hashtag good boy. Hashtag presents. Yeah, sure. Hashtag good boy. Hashtag chimney. Sure. Discuss the show. Hashtag good boy. Hashtag chimney. Hit us up on Twitter. Find us on Snapchat.

Shoot some vines talking about what a good boy you are. And upload them to Jordan Jesse Go. Hashtag plate of cookies. Sure. So, Jordan, so last week you went throughout the program as Jordan Morris Steel Santa. You seem to really be enjoying it. Yeah. But if I can bring listeners up now to now, which is, by the way, this week, you said Steel Santa as though it was a horrible burden.

Well, no, I mean, my – sorry. If I'm coppitude with you. And yes, you are. If that was a question, the answer is yes. I don't mean to coppitude. Well, too late now, Ace. Even though I am known as a rude dude. I'm sorry.

I'm actually really enjoying Steel Santa. It's great. It's nice to be called Steel Santa by people on the internet, passersby. People at parties. Lovers in bed. That sort of thing. But there's something weighing on me, and it is holiday related, though. Okay.

But not related to Steel Santa, which I'm enjoying. Okay. So as we record this, we're coming up on Thanksgiving. Oh, boy, yeah. Then after that, of course, it's going to be Christmas and Hanukkah. Boxing day. Boxing day, sure. Then New Year's Day.

After that, I guess Martin Luther King Jr. Day in February. March. A tough couple months for singles, especially Martin Luther King. March, I think, is going to be Arbor Day. Is that correct? Yeah. Oh, boy. April's my birthday.

Another tough time for singles. Oh, boy. April's my birthday. Another tough time for singles. Jesse's birthday. It's hard to get a dinner reservation. Yeah, yeah, sure. Also. So what's going on? What's your seasonal problem? Should we introduce our guest? Yeah, sure. Okay. So our guest is a, he was a standup comic. He became a television writer. He was an executive producer of the television program Everybody Loves Raymond, a co-creator of the show Men of a Certain Age. He was a co-executive producer recently of the television program Enlisted. Among many, many other credits, his name is Mr. Mike Royce. Hi, Mike.

Hello, everyone. How's it going? Hi, good. I was going better before you started talking. I'll tell you why. I'm a little annoyed. How's it going? Hi, good. I was going better before you started talking. I'll tell you why. I'm a little annoyed that you have a better

radio voice than me and I'm a professional radio host. You know what? Sometimes I lean into it. I lean into it there. It's a particular part of the afternoon where I sometimes get...

Yeah, that is... I mean, that's positively... It's positively Weekend Edition-esque. That's how I would describe it. Look out, Arun Rath. Here comes Mike Royce. I don't have the name chops for NPR.

Yeah, you do have a normal sounding name. Actually, when I was a stand-up comic and therefore auditioning for anything to be an actor and therefore auditioning for voiceover stuff, they would always – my voice is just good enough to be like, oh, you have a good voice. But then I'm in the absolute last place when like I would go out with all the voice of God guys. So, you know, everyone in the room was made, you know, and I was. I know about that. So when somebody tells me about how nice my radio voice is, I'm I it is. There really is. I'm I it is there really is there's like a line where all of a sudden I'm accident. I've accidentally become the worst of people with good radio.

Right. Like I wish that I could be the best of people with normal voices. But actually all that I get out of this voice is people send me an email and say like, oh, you alluded to your age. I thought you were 50 or 60. Yeah, this is I mean, this is I've had the same problem with like I haven't done it in a while but I I've auditioned for a lot of commercials I had the problem of being too skinny to be a fat guy

I would come in for the fat guy stuff yeah right not quite classic tweener yeah and I thought I thought about getting fatter I really gave it some serious thought. I'm like, what if I just fucking fat up?

Yeah. I think ultimately, you know, you also have the problem of not passing well enough to be a point guard, not shooting well enough to be an off guard. Sure. So, again, classic tweener. Always a towel boy, never a towel. You got it. Well, I wish I could be a towel. So let's talk about your seasonally

affective disorder here. Can I maybe suggest, just real quick, let's circle back to that. Mike, it seems like the only problem you had with getting into radio was maybe just not having a great NPR name. Do you think that, I mean, you've

had a terrific career in television. No need to leave that. No complaints. Yeah. But if you wanted to go back, might I suggest Tonks Pumpkin? Just try it out. Say this is Tonks Pumpkin. Tonks Pumpkin?

Tonks Pumpkin. Tonks Pumpkin. We used to have a sponsor called Tonks. Yeah. A mail order coffee service. Tonks? Tonks. Tonks.

T-O-N-X. All right. But they no longer exist. They got bought by a larger coffee concern. So Tongs is no longer an extant brand. I think you can move in on that. Mike's name would be T-O-N-Q-U-E-S. Oh.

Excuse me. Yeah. Yeah. Forgive me. Either way, I think I can name squat. Yeah. Name squat. Anyway. This is weekend edition. I'm going to try. Sure name squat. Yeah. Name squat. Anyway.

This is Weekend Edition. I'm going to try. Sure, sure. Yeah. What would they say? This is a cold read. Welcome back to Weekend Edition. This is Tonks Pumpkin.

Yeah. I like it. Something. Reporting from Bulk Area, this is Tonks Pumpkin. Sure. Yeah. Okay. So.

I just want to say before you go on. Please, please. yeah okay so i just want to say before you go on please but i have list i am i have all the episodes of steel santa that's what i'm saying i have i have listened to the entire so you're familiar with everything you recapped uh yeah okay i'm like oh i've been caught up on the steel santa arc that's going on now on the show mike Mike, I'm really happy to hear that. I think that's a great use of your time. It's the holidays coming up, and I'm going to go home for Thanksgiving. I think we all know Thanksgiving can be fun, but I think we're all also familiar with that it can be the time to have difficult conversations with your family. I'm sorry.

I know we like to keep it light here, but this has kind of been weighing on me and I wanted to get it off my chest. Is there something? Yeah. I mean, I just, I mean, I can't, I don't think I can. I've met girls who were dating before. No, no, it's not that I'm bi. Okay. But, but it is related to lifestyle um i just i'm having a really hard having a really

hard time um coming to terms with the fact that i am going to have to admit to my family this thanksgiving that i'm uh living that vape life. And it's just tough because, I mean, there's a lot of misconceptions out there about people who are living that vape life. Yeah, there's a lot of vape bashing. And, you know, I just don't know how they're going to react. I mean, they're open-minded, but, you know, the media is just out there. Is part of your idea that if you come out to your parents or to your mother and her husband over Thanksgiving as someone who is living that vape life, you might open your stocking on Christmas morning, there's some e-juice in there? Yeah. I mean, well, that's best case scenario.

Right. They embrace it. That's the acceptance. And that they are with me on this journey. I think the worst case scenario is probably you open your stocking and there's cigarettes in there. Sure, because they're trying to sway me away from that vape life. Yeah. Do you think that they consider – I mean this would be horrible, but that they consider vaping to be a choice? Yeah.

I mean, again, and that's the media. And I include the Bible in the media. Sure. Right. The first media. Yes, sure. It's's the media. And I include the Bible in the media. Sure. Right. The first media. Yes, sure. It's the original media. Have you ever seen – Mike, have you ever seen Jordan's car before?

No. He actually has custom plates that say B-O-R-N-V-P-N, Born Vaping. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. So, yeah. I mean I hear what you – and, yeah, and a lot of people do think that. So yeah, I mean I hear what you – and yeah, a lot of people do think that. I mean I'm of the belief that God made us all unique and if he has instilled in me the need to live that vape life, then who am I to reject that?

Whatever – I believe that whatever you want to put in your mouth, no matter how ridiculous, you should be allowed to. Thank you. Thank you, Mike. And that's terrific. And I just wish everyone shared your open-mindedness about this issue. Jordan, we've laughed and joked a lot about this. Sure. I have to say that I think that the vape life is an abomination.

Okay. the vape life is an abomination. Okay. I think that it's a crime in the eyes of the Lord, in the eyes of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the only Son of God. Sure. The Holy Ghost, who is a ghost who's friends with God and Jesus.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I've read the Bible, Jesse. You don't have to explain it to me. But I think what you're doing is I think you're – and sorry. I'm going to try and keep my cool during this. I don't want this to turn into a crossfire situation or God willing a McLaughlin group. Well, watch out because I'm a raging Cajun. Yeah, I know.

And I've met your bizarre wife who is from no discernible land. No discernible land. I think what you're doing is I think you are reading a few select passages and you are taking them out of context to support your beliefs that you already have. I think these are beliefs that you have and you're looking for anything that supports them. And I think you're taking a few passages that weren't even about vaping. They were not intended to be about vaping. Jordan, look here at my wristband. Sure. What does it say?

WWJV. What would Jesus vape? I think he would vape anything he wanted to. I don't think he would vape at all. I think he's too busy cleaning syphilis feet or whatever. I've read the Bible many times. Bowling with the Holy Ghost, who is his friend. He's just the wacky ghost who hangs around heaven.

Sure. Yeah. No, it's always out for pussy. The vaping, I got to be honest, this argument is swaying me, what Jesse's saying. Oh, wow. Okay. No, I know you're widely known as a biblical literalist. Yes. I got to be honest this argument is swaying me what Jesse's saying oh wow okay no I know you're you're widely known

as a biblical literalist yes that's this the two things I try to hold in my head are you know sure

to be to be a a raging liberal and a biblical biblical literalist yeah you're also a strict constructionist

I am all three of those things and you know the founding fathers did not have anything to say about vaping in the founding documents of this great nation. Not in words. Thank you.

But, I mean, I think a lot of it was implied. Yeah. I'm also – I subscribe to like a national treasure reading of the Constitution where none of the words – Oh, that it's all code. Yeah. There's something on the back. If you take the 37th letter of each page, then it tells you where Thomas Jefferson buried his vape juice. It's interesting that you mention that, Mike, because I actually subscribe to a reading of National Treasure as the Constitution.

So it's my belief that the founding document of the United States is the film National Treasure starring Nicolas Cage. So I can think of no argument against that. Yeah. Wow. I mean, I guess I was just kind of coming to you guys for help, but it sounds like you've kind of turned on me. It seems like you are the bigots that I'm worried about dealing with. I guess turned on suggests change, and I've always been against you. Oh, okay.

You know, Thanksgiving's coming up, Jordan. Sure. I was thinking of coming over to your house to come out as someone who doesn't like you or your lifestyle. Oh, okay. Because we've known each other now for about 15 years. I mean, because up until now, you, to the best of my knowledge, didn't know I was living that vape life. That's true, but there's certain things about you that always say vape life to me. Are a little vapey.

You have a kind of a green apple vibe. Sure. You know what I mean? No, that's fair. Yeah, so, yeah, I mean, ultimately, I've always been against you. Putting things in my mouth that I have previously put into a USB port. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. I listen to Bullseye because it gives me all the information on things that I know I want to know about, but it also gives me inside information on things that I didn't even know I wanted to know about,

such as music, arts, movies, people I should be connected with, people that I end up connecting with thanks to Bullseye. Bullseye is your guide to what's good, from MaximumFun.org and NPR. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, living that vape life. Mike Royce, the bald Avenger. It's true. Took me a week. I've been listening to all the name stuff. I mean, there are... I mean, God, sorry. It's true. Took me a week. I've been listening to all the name stuff. I mean, there are, I mean, God, sorry. I don't want to be this guy.

But I don't know if you're talking about Marvel's Avengers. There are a few bald Avengers. Wait, what Avengers are bald? Kojak. Kojak. Yeah. Because I'm thinking specifically of the Vision. No, the actual Marvel.

Karl Malone. Karl Malone. Karl Malone. What other Avengers are bald? Yeah, that's about it. And Dabney Coleman. You're right. Anthony Edwards. Sure.

Anthony Edwards. Sure. He's in the second tier, I think. Sure. Elliot Spitzer. Yeah. You know what? Go ahead.

Yeah. Oh, or is this something else where you avenge bald people? That was, you know, I'm sort of hoping to get that kind of character going, yes. Elliot Spitzer is a mutant whose special power is shooting himself in the foot. Oh, we have fun. Doing a lot of political humor this week on Jordan Jessica. Sure, yeah. Hey, we just, we had some, this whole day, I've been here in MaxFunWorld headquarters shooting the first ever MaximumFun.org video series.

Yeah, I mean, I came in today. I mean, usually it's pretty quiet when I come in here. We tape this on a Saturdays. Yeah. On a Saturday. On a Saturdays. Anyway, pluralize that for a reason. On them Saturdays.

On them Saturdays. We tape them on them Saturdays. Yeah. And usually it's pretty quiet around here. And when I came in today, hot set. It was a hot set. Sure. Mics were live.

Mm-hmm. Cameras were rolling. Yep. Slates were being slated. We had some baleadas. That's like a Honduran quesadilla. Mm-hmm. Some empanadas.

Mm-hmm. It's like a- A Honduran hot pocket. Yeah, exactly. We were having a lot of fun here. Yeah, no, Brian Fernandez, our producer, Sonny D, often heard laughing through the window.

He's shaking his head no more. We got in trouble on Reddit. Some people were really angry about Brian's laughing off microphone on Reddit. Oh, interesting. Brian's going to try not to laugh anymore. Wait, wait. I just got to...

People were angry about that? Yeah, people were angry about it. Just because... Because Brian, I found it very endearing. Yeah. So that's my vote. Well, Brian is a happy guy

who loves to laugh. And that's one of the reasons... Brian's got a great life. Yeah. When I think about who I know who's got a great life, Brian comes to mind.

Who doesn't want to sit outside a box and listen to assholes talk? Yes, exactly. I mean, it's so many people's dream. Well, he's got a beautiful fiance. That's true. So those two things, I mean, those two things add up to- Right away, you're ahead. I mean, come on.

A weekly front row seat to hear America's dumbest assholes. And then you get to go home to a beautiful lady. Hey, sweetheart, guess what I did today? I listened to three assholes prattle on about nada, zip, zilch, no content, 90 minutes. And then people on Reddit said I was the asshole. They complained about me. They were upset that I was laughing at the jokes. Wait, so.

They were upset that I was laughing at the jokes. Wait, so – People, I think, are disoriented because Brian laughs and they don't – can't tell where the laugh is coming from because he does not have a microphone. I think it's in the grand tradition of, you know, the show with no studio audience, with the people who are in the studio when they're laughing. Then you know something's funny. We're Joel McHale. Right? Yes, exactly. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, Mike, I mean, you've seen kind funny. We're Joel McHale. Right? Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Well, yeah. I mean, Mike, I mean, you've seen kind of TV trends kind of come and go. I mean, but I mean, maybe this is indicative of the kind of larger trend away from multicam sitcoms and toward a more kind of naturalistic. Yeah. Or the fact that people have started to hate comedy so much that there's only an audience of one for everything. That's true. Yes.

Mike, can I ask you a question? With Enlisted. Now, Enlisted was a really funny show. Thank you. Yeah, Enlisted was great. Really great show. Ran one season on the Fox network. Yes.

Did you, like later on in that first season, it was a single camera show. Did you consider a Brian-like figure? Like, did you consider recording the editor laughing as he edited? Oh, my God. Or just playing it for a guy. Right. Just a guy and not micing him that closely. This, you know, hindsight is 20-20.

This obviously would have saved the show. That was the thing. You had those three handsome, talented, funny stars. That wasn't enough. We got to get one guy laughing sort of in the background. I'm for it. That's all I want to say. I know Reddit can be a place that.

Well, it's one of those things. I think people also, I think most people who listen to our program like it when we eat weird foreign candies. Some people, it nauseates them. And so we try and respect the people that it nauseates. Right. And Brian is going to try and from this point forward, he's going to do his best not to enjoy our work. Now, that having been said, Brian is one of the stars of this video series. We just shot the pilot today and we shot some additional material.

It's called Brian and Lindsay Will Totally Eat That. Before you describe it, I just want to apologize real quick. I mean, I actually didn't know we were having this initiative for Brian trying to keep it a little more quiet. Before I came in, I gave him a book of Dilbert comics. Oh, jeez. He's going to be cracking up. Oh, jeez. He is going to be cracking up. Oh, jeez.

He is going to be cracking up. Oh, man. He's worked in a workplace? Yeah, he has. Oh, boy. Space them out. Space them out. Do not read them all at once.

Yeah, sorry, Brian. I know it's going to be. Yeah, don't waste them. Don't waste those Dilberts. Brian, can I give you just a quick tip just for not laughing? If you see somebody with pointy hair, skip that one because you're going to laugh. You're going to laugh. It's going to be funny.

Ill-equipped. Anyway. Yeah. Sorry. You were saying the video series. So Brian and Lindsay Pavlis, who's our donor relations coordinator and is also the producer of Wham! Bam! Pow! They eat any kind of shit. Just whatever I throw at them.

I was literally throwing food at them. So the rule is I throw it at them and then they have to eat it and then they decide whether it's yummy or crummy. Oh. That's the system we decided upon. It's a fun dichotomy. We realized that we had not picked a dichotomy going in, so we just put it on Twitter.

That was the best we could come up with. I can't believe that was still out there. It seems like someone would have. That's perfect. Nomit or vomit was one. Nom, nom, nomit. Is that pronounced nom, nom, nom? Yeah, I think you're pronouncing that

right. Wouldn't it be nom, nom, nom? I mean, I think it is specifically referencing the sound a cat makes when it eats. A cat goes nom, nom, nom? Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Yeah, nom, nom, nom. It's kind of like that. It's not that pronounced. Put the last 20 seconds on a loop forever.

That's all. Nom nom nom nom. Anyway, yeah. We've literally had a 10 person crew in here. This is super exciting. We're going to do a Kickstarter for it in January. I just wanted to mention it so people can get ready to support it in January because I think we're going to need a lot of Jordan Jesse Goh fans who already know and love Sonny D to support this thing because these aren't celebrities.

No. This isn't Mike Royce. This isn't the bald Avenger. Yeah. It isn't the lowest bar ever set for personality of any kind. No. I mean, let's be honest. Brian is a snooze. This guy is a zero.

And Lindsay, don't get me started on Lindsay. Lindsay's worse than a snooze. Sure. This whole show is a disaster. The reason we need your money is to try and, I guess, hire creative Bay? Creative people? I don't know. Writers? Just someone to make it less horrible. Just to puff it up into something watchable. Into something

like Emeril Lagasse, maybe? Do they have that? Do they have the BAM or something like that? What I was hoping is that at least we could license... No, you're right. At least we could use the money to license BAM. License BAM? That's a good plan. Well, he's not using it at the moment.

Have you ever thought about- Not since the sitcom got canceled. It's like you're rebooting Emeril Lagasse. Yeah. Oh, maybe that's how you should pitch it is a reboot of Emeril. Yeah. That's a nice way to- I mean, people are crazy about reboots.

Do you think we need Emeril's permission or is that in the public domain? Yeah, it's Emeril's sitcom in Camptown Races. You can base it on either one of those. Here's an alternative question. Should we, because Emeril Lagasse may control the rights to his likeness, use something that's in the public domain? What if we base it on Aesop's fables? Oh, I like that. Like the story of the donkey who saw a ham?

The donkey who had a box of Larry the Cable Guy beer bread thrown at him. Oh, okay. Sure, yeah, yeah. And had to eat it because of the rules of the show. Anyway, it was fun. It was fun. It was a hot set. It sounds like a hot set.

It was very impressive. I walked into it. It was very impressive. Thank you, Mike. Yeah. And you know a little something about television sets. I'm on my way out of show business, but sure. You've got a couple of television sets at your own home.

As a matter of fact, I do, yes. Speaking of Larry the Cable Guy and people who would appeal to that demographic, I don't think I've mentioned this. When I was in New York, I ate at Guy Fieri's restaurant. Did you now? Yes. The legendary. Guy's American Kitchen and Bar. In the Times Square? Yeah, the one that got the kind of

epically bad New York Times review. Oh. Yeah. Now, Guy Fieri is Santa Cruz's most... No, Sacramento? He's like San Jose's most famous celebrity chef. Yeah. One of the lesser Northern California places. Is Santa Cruz's most, no, Sacramento? He's like San Jose's. San Jose. Most famous celebrity chef. Yeah.

One of the lesser Northern California places is where Guy Fieri is. He's known for his frosted tips. His rock and roll attitude. Rock and roll attitude. Would you say he's a rude dude? Oh, definitely. When you're talking about toods. Does he have a crude tood?

No, it's not a crude tood. It's more of like a shade tood. Dude tood. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay. Or a food tood. Or a food tood.

Because he makes food. Or a snood tood. He loves browser games. He loves browser knockoffs of Bust a Move. So anyway. Anyway. While you were in New York City, where is it? Times Square?

Times Square. So you had to visit Times Square. Number one, you had to visit Times Square. You got to. When you're in New York, you got to visit. That's where the action is. It's where the locals are hanging with the townies. Sure.

The video screens, advertisements, TGI Fridays. TRL Live. Popular characters. Giving a shout out to Carson. Big shout out to CD. Yeah. So, I mean, it was one of those things where I always kind of had a notion that, oh, when I'm in New York, it would be fun to eat at one of those kind of gaudy Times Square monstrosities. The Bubba Gump.

The shrimp company? Yeah, Bubba Gump. Yeah, Bubba Gump, Red Lobster. Can I say one thing about Carson Daly? He is the cover man on this month's Southwest Airlines magazine. Ooh, Horizons. Congratulations, Carson. Yeah.

You've made it. Totally. Okay. Go ahead, Jordan. Congratulations, Carson. Yeah. You've made it. Totally.

Okay. Go ahead, Jordan. So I always thought – but, you know, like it's hard to justify that because New York is just like such an amazing place for food. Right. You know, it's hard to say like, well, I'm going to waste a meal doing something that's, you know, maybe more as a goof than it is. Because you could be in Brooklyn eating at one of the over 500 restaurants where they listen to Jordan Jesse go in the kitchen. Sure, exactly. There's one of those. Yeah, and you've got your hipster stuff.

You've got your fancy stuff. You've got your delicious local street foods. Sure. Get a halal meat. Absolutely. Nuts for nuts. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes I have that as a meal.

Why not? Roast them chestnuts. That's what I say. But I had kind of a long- That's the reason for the season. Yeah, roasted. Sometimes I have that as a meal. Why not? Roast them chestnuts. That's what I say. But I had kind of a long – That's the reason for the season. Yeah, roasted chestnuts. Hashtag roasted nuts. Although if there's an –

Get at us on Vine. If there's an open fire, that's a concern in a street food vendor. Oh, definitely. Yeah. You definitely want to cover that. Yeah. But I was there for kind of a long stay so I could kind of justify like, okay, I can do one like this just out of curiosity. And for the show I worked for, we did a segment goofing on Guy Fieri food.

So it kind of felt like research a little bit. Take that off your taxes. Yeah, exactly. I could totally write that off. That was – In the audit, they say, I see you have a $19 deduction for jalapeno poppers. Now, what is Cabo Wabo? Exactly.

Mike, have you had a Guy Fieri meal or are you kind of familiar with his deal? I am familiar because my wife is a super Food Network addict. And he is the guy who is on when she turns the channel to the cooking channel. Okay. Or vice versa. Sure. So she turns the channel to the cooking channel. Okay. Or vice versa. Sure. So she's not a, but she watches him sometimes. But yes, I see him in passing.

Okay. I'm aware of the legend. I'm not familiar with him. I come from public media. Sure. How would you compare him to Christopher Kimball? I mean, very similar. Okay.

But just worse. How frugal would you say is Corbin? Oh, I would not very frugal at all. Not very frugal? Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. Would you say he can cook like Mark Yann? Yann, yes.

He's kind of a Yann type figure because he can cook. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. He's a Yann-like character. So, yeah. He's a Yan-like character. So, yeah. And, yeah, so I was kind of like bracing myself for something that they – Big Bird. Is he like Big Bird at all?

He's a lot like Big Bird. Just like a giant child. He has the child's perspective. That's why people like – that's why kids love Guy Fieri's Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives so much is because they can relate to him. Charlene Hunter-Gault? Yep. You're – they can relate to him. Charlene Hunter-Gault? Yep. You're – I can't play anymore.

So, yeah. I was kind of bracing myself for something terrible. An abomination of food. Yeah, yeah. A trial. Yes. But it's going to be – you have to figure it's like TGI Fridays or something, right? Yeah.

Don't you think they've tested it out pretty well? Yeah. I mean I guess I was just going on the New York Times review. You're expecting a pile of overdone, saucy, just everything for like trying to be the frosting of the – Yeah, exactly. Now, I think there are – when you're talking about chain restaurants, the – or casual eateries. Right. I guess the – it's a slim – it's a razor's edge between kind of fun and delicious and terrible.

Like I enjoy a Chili's from time to time. But the one time I ate at – I mean the Applebee's thing was basically unfinishable that I had. Applebee's is pretty dire. Yeah, yeah. Outback Steakhouse is fine. Yeah, totally. One time I was on a business trip, and my boss took me out to Outback Steakhouse. It was fun.

You know what? Fucking Bloomin' Onion, their most famous dish. Delicious. Yeah, it's really good. That's why it's so famous. Yeah. And it's 1,800 calories. Don't eat the whole thing.

Yeah. You're not supposed to. Just eat some of it. Have a few blooms. Get some friends, asshole. Have some petals. Jesus Christ. Yeah, and don't just drink the whole thing of cheese dip yourself.

That's got to be the Bloomin' Onion for one. It's the world's saddest. That should be their slogan, get some friends, asshole. But they'll say it in like a positive way. Get some friends, asshole. Yeah. Mate, get some friends. Blimey.

Kookaburra. Hello, hello, hello. There you go. I'm from Outback Steakhouse. Where's me blooming onion? So, Guy Fieri's restaurant. Tacky, but not as tacky as I wanted it to be. Okay, what kind of tacky was it?

I mean, it was a, I expected there to be just a ton of shit on the walls. There was not a ton of shit on the walls. What was on the walls? The craziest thing was a pair of jeans in a frame signed by the lead singer of Foreigner. So it's like a hard rock cafe that went bankrupt. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they found an abandoned hard rock cafe that was full of transients and raccoons. I feel like they found an abandoned hard rock cafe that a number of people had found already before they found it.

Right, yeah, exactly. people had found already before they found it. Right, yeah, exactly. Like all the kiss outfits are gone. All that's left is the guy from Foreigner's Jeans. Jeans in a frame. They were tiny, too. He's a small-waisted man, the lead singer of Foreigner. What's the other rockin'?

I would guess 28. 28 waist. We got this fog hat bass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, and there is one room that is like the rock and roll room. There are kind of some sub themes within the restaurant. There's the rock and roll room.

And then there's like a car area that's devoted to guys' love of cars. Hot rods. But like are the tables cars and stuff like that? There's just a lot of pictures of cars on the wall and like some of the – there's some car imagery. Are there any like beds shaped like cars? No. That's just – those are just in the rooms of the world's coolest 10-year-olds. Okay.

You're thinking of a cool 10-year-old's bedroom. Gotcha. A very good boy. Get us on Vine, everybody. Yeah. Hashtag Vine. Yeah.. Yeah. Hashtag Vine. Yeah. So, yeah.

Hashtag football phone. And the funny thing about the rock and roll room was that it had, you know, like a vintage Pink Floyd tour poster. And, you know, like Jimi Hendrix, The Who. It's like, you know, pictures pictures and framed records from The Who. But then just Kid Rock and the guy from Smash Mouth next to them. Because to Guy Fieri, these are the same. They're all the same. Yeah.

Isn't he friends with the guy from Smash Mouth? He did a – He better be, right? Yeah, I know, right? How is that not? Yeah, they're both San Jose's premier fat guys with rock and roll attitudes. Yeah, sure. Oh, there's a video online where Guy Fieri hosts an eating challenge where the guy from Smash Mouth tries to eat a lot of eggs.

Oh, how many eggs does he try to eat? Oof, a ton. He doesn't quite do it. Hard-boiled eggs? This is like a giant scramble. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah? Okay.

So this isn't a Paul Newman situation. No, yeah. No, it's not. It's not a cool hand Luke. Gotcha. It is a fat guy tips. I would submit that Smash Mouth should start a restaurant and Guy Fieri should start a band. I don't doubt it.

Yeah, sure. They're basically the same thing. You know what I think they could just do? The singer from Smash Mouth and Guy Fieri could just, if they got bored, could just switch roles and not tell anybody. Oh, it could be like a Freaky Friday. Yeah.

Maybe they make a magical wish to become a similar man. I don't think anyone would notice if Guy Fieri was the one going, hey, now you're an ass. They would just ride that right out. People would just roll with it. Yeah.

Yeah. We'd have to be a pretty hardcore Smash Mouth fan not to know the difference. Sure. And the nachos, same thing. Yeah. I mean, just put a bunch of sour cream on top. There you go. Boom.

Yeah. I had a Sammy Hagar themed cocktail. Oh. Some of the food items are named after guys rock and roll heroes. Now, what's his nickname? The Red Lion? The Red Rocker. The Red Robin?

Yeah, the Red Robin. I like Guy Fieri, though. It's weird that he's sort of appropriating the rock and roll thing. He's just like, oh, I have a theme restaurant, but I kind of get to get into the hard rock. It seems like he's appropriating other people's themes without permission. He rocks pretty hard. I think what Guy would tell you is that it's kind of like an intertextualization thing. It's kind of like an intertextualization thing.

Like it's what they are doing on their instruments, he is doing with ranch dressing and porks. All right. I buy that. I think Guy Fieri is trying to capture the spirit of America. That's why you got the Cars room, probably with a 57 Chevy and smart rods and stuff. Sweet chassis. You got the rock and roll room. Right.

You have the legacy of slavery room. The America's dark past room where you go to reflect. The last to fill up when it's crowded, but still it's there. We're going to have to seat you in America's dark past. The war of 1812 room. Sure. The French and Indian war room. The trail of tears. The. Sure. The French and Indian War room. The Trail of Tears.

The French. It's called the Trail of Beers. Oh, God. The French and Indian War themed menu item is milkshake. And the description is, this is a milkshake. Did you know that the French and Indian War was a war where we fought the French and the Indians, not a war where the French and the Indians fought each other? Just a fun fact. It's a clarifying fact. So I had a Sammy Hagar themed rum

drink, which I don't usually like, but I thought I would. I mean, my thing is I'm here, just order the most ridiculous thing. Order the... Doesn't Sammy Hagar have his own tequila? He does, and he has his own casual eatery, too. He has the Cabo Wabo Cantina. So he's just willing to –

It's all colliding. Every personality – every rock and roll personality now has a restaurant with some sketchy food in it. Sure. So, yeah, I mean I guess Sammy – yeah, I thought that – yeah, obviously this is maybe a little bit damaging to his brand, but not damaging to the brand. But, I mean, it's taking away a little bit of sheen from the Cabo Wabo Cantina, but kind of ultimately kind of feeds the beast, you know. I would like to visit a Times Square restaurant owned by, you know, like Bonnie Prince Billy. Sure. Sufjan Stevens.

Yeah, like a really credible pitchfork darling. Yeah. Yeah. I think that would be fun. That would be a lot of fun. Ariel Pink. Sure. Sufjan Stevens. Yeah, like a really credible pitchfork darling. Yeah. Yeah. I think that would be fun. That would be a lot of fun. Ariel Pink. Yeah. Maybe the replacements open up.

Yeah, sure, yeah. Just to see what happens. Hey, Paul Westerberg, I want to see what your take on sweet potato fries is. Hey, Jordan. Ariel Pink's haunted linguine. Terrific. Love it. Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you. It's like an Olive Garden. Champion! Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. It's like an Olive Garden. Champion! Yeah. Okay. TV on the ravioli.

I guess these are more Italian places. I guess we need more. You can't go wrong. People love Italian. People love Italian. They do, yeah. Red check tablecloths. Singing waiters. Tight black jeans They do, yeah. Red check tablecloths. Mm-hmm. Singing waiters. Tight black jeans.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, so, so far you've had this cocktail. Dissonant harmonies. Yeah, you've had this cocktail. I've had this cocktail. What kind of cocktail was it? It is rum-based and was kind of a mojito-like thing, but not quite. It was a riff on a mojito, I would call it.

Oh. That sounds fun. It's like a classic with a twist. thing, but not quite. It was a riff on a mojito, I would call it. Oh. That sounds fun. It's like a classic with a twist. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. For a new generation. Gotcha. Say your grandpa's mojito.

Gotcha. Fuck you, grandpa. By the way. Even though Sammy probably is. Yeah, because these men are very old. And my grandpa was Ernest Hemingway, known for enjoying mojitos. Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, and I don't know who came up with this recipe, if it was Guy or Sammy. Unclear from looking at the menu. Okay. I don't know if this was – okay, I was unclear if this was Guy's tribute to Sammy or something that Sammy came up with as kind of like a guest track. Were there other rockers on the menu? Funny you should mention that, Jesse. Or other celebrity chefs?

For my entree i ordered the motley q ribs what's the name it's a sketch you went to a yes i went to a comedy sketch i went to yeah exactly what's the name of the woman who's a celebrity chef she's a british woman and she had the cocaine in her handbag nigella lawson nigella lawson thank you brian brian chimed in on her headphones with Nigella Lawson. I would go to a Her-themed restaurant. Yeah? Because of her beauty?

She's very beautiful to me. I find her to be very beautiful. Sure. She is. Those shows. Her show is softcore porn, essentially. I mean, there's no nudity. Oh, my God.

Yeah, cold sweat when I watch that program. It is very seductive. Holy. I feel guilty when my Very seductive. Holy oil. I feel guilty when my wife walks in and it's on. Can I tell you what the highlight? And you switch the TV really quick to pornography. Sorry, just watching the bang bus, honey. I once fed her a grape.

Nigella Lawson? True story. How did that happen? I was on stage at a radio program. Oh. Something came up. Somebody should feed her a grape program. Oh. Somebody, something came up. Somebody should feed her a grape or something. Someone should feed me a grape.

I grabbed some grapes and ran on stage, fed her a grape. I'm having such a hard time picturing this. Yeah, it's sort of hard to describe. Was it a folk club in Berkeley on a Sunday morning? Just maybe kind of one of those in the moment things it sounds like. I hope she's telling the exact same story from her perspective. She is. On the stand right now

at her cocaine trial. It all started. Did you peel the grape first? No. Was it a red or- I bet she would have thought it was an eyeball. Yeah, that's true.

Was it a red or a green grape? Do you remember? It was a green grape. Okay. I prefer those. Which is the less sexual of the two. Yeah, that's true.

It is, yeah. It's a more friendly grape. Anyway. We're all just thinking about Nigella Lawson right now. Yeah. In our own private life. Guys. Guys, I got to stop thinking about Nigella Lawson and start thinking about that new Beyonce video where she's dancing around her pants.

Guys, and I'm sorry. I don't mean to be the comedy police here, but I don't think we should be telling grape jokes. Anyway. Once again with the political correctness. Sorry, guys. Trigger warning for everyone who had a bad experience with a grape. Choked on a grape or whatever? Yeah, yeah, sure.

Or stuck your hand into a bowl of peeled grapes. And thought it was eyeballs and ran out of the Halloween party. Yeah. your hand into a bowl of peeled grapes. They thought it was eyeballs and ran out of the Halloween party. Yeah. So I had the Motley Q ribs and the Hagar cocktail, the Hagar mojito, both fucking delicious. Really? The ribs were exceptionally good.

Exceptionally good. They were so tasty. Yeah. I mean, they had a nice like thick char on them. Uh-huh. You know, a very sweet sauce, as you might imagine. I'm shocked to hear that. I know, right?

Would you say the sauce was a riff on the mojito? Yeah, definitely. It was a mojito-based sauce. The mojito actually, oddly enough, was not appallingly sweet. It was kind of – it was pretty subtle. Oh. Yeah. It had some cucumber infusion in it,

so it was, you know, wasn't like just. A little freshness. Yeah, exactly. It wasn't just syrup. It was refreshing, and I could see myself drinking one chilling poolside. Wow. Yeah, and the.

Cabo, specifically. Exactly, yeah. Oh, you got to go to Cabo. Yeah, but I say like the ribs were a triumph of texture. Wow. They were so pleasurable to bite into. I can close my eyes and think about- So charred on the outside, doughy on the inside?

Exactly, yeah, yeah. Gotcha. Yeah, it was really, really good. What I really love is when you get that crisp feeling of the char and then that soft, creamy interior. Exactly, that liquid interior. Yeah, and you've got to fry them twice to get that., creamy interior. Exactly. That almost liquid interior. Yeah, and you've got to fry them twice to get that. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. There you go. It was a complicated meal. You didn't have any desserts? You didn't have any sides? Did not have a dessert. Were you there with anybody? Did they have any desserts or sides?

Yeah, we shared garlic fries. Okay. Which were very good. I mean, kind of unremarkable, but just super tasty. Sure. Yeah. And yeah, there we unremarkable, but just super tasty. Sure. Yeah. And yeah, there we go. No, no dessert.

Pretty full. Was it the best meal you had while you were in New York? No, it was not, but exceptionally good. You could have said yes. It would have made the podcast better. Oh, do you want to take that again? Yeah, let's go ahead and take it again. Brian, no matter what you do, don't forget to make this edit.

Okay, yeah. The audience is definitely not hearing this right now. Because if we make this, if you make this edit right, all the idiot assholes who listen to this program... Oh, gosh, I hate those people. Oh, my God, I can't stand them. I'm so glad we're editing this out, too, because I don't want those jerks to know what dicks they are.

Good news is they're dumb as rocks. We're basically talking to rocks. Oh, yeah. Just remember to edit this out, Brian, because we do not want our true opinions of our fans to sneak out, okay? And I think grape jokes are funny. There, I'm saying it. Yeah. Oh, boy.

See, now here's the thing. We got Mike here. We don't know what he thinks. This guy's made network television programs. This guy made the best family sitcom of the last 25 years. Sure. All me. Anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ray Romano. Debra. Hey. That's a fun. What are we? Oh, did you? I imagine you came away from the show with a Ray Romano impression. We all came away with terrible Ray Romano impressions.

But you do slip into his voice. I literally can't look at yogurt without thinking of his bit about his wife sending him downstairs to check out a noise. And then while you're there, could you bring me some yogurt? Actually, either way, could you bring me some yogurt? Either way. Hey. There you go. As good as anybody's. Sorry, Brian, you've edited all this out. This is all just a digression.

This is edited out. So was it the best meal that you had in New York? Absolutely. There you go. Great show. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Mike Royce, the bald guardian. We do have a guardian I like. I just felt. Avenger could be, that's a little cruel. Right. It's a little dark. I wanted to sort of make it more positive.

And obviously the movie's doing very well. Yeah, absolutely. There's certainly no popular movies that contain the word Guardian. No, exactly. You're safe there. We have a sponsor this week. Hey, I'd love to hear about it. Scythe.

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so people listening on your conversations oh my god so yeah your mom listens in on all your on all your

aim aim aim aim convos. Of course, Brian Fernandez does. He's looking for clues as to what's going to happen on next week's show so he can get ready. Sure. Try not to laugh. What Brian does is he watches all your IAM conversations to check to see if anything's funny happening to you so that he'll be used to it by the time you talk about it.

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in the world, it would still take longer than the age of the universe. Holy cow. This sounds like an amazing technology. I mean, when we're talking about the fastest supercomputer in the world, I mean, we're talking about what? Talking about a Cray, right? Yeah. Probably a Cray supercomputer or possibly Deep Blue.

Sure. IBM's Deep Blue. One of those chess champion computers anyway. Sure. What about that computer from War Games? Yeah. The one that talks with Matthew Broderick or whoever's the star of that. Is that Matthew Broderick?

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hooked up with Syph because they are big Jordan Jesse Go fans in addition to being big fans of you know, of-bit symmetric ephemeral keys and perfect forward secrecy. I'd go to Scythe.com slash JJ Goh if I were you. Yeah. We also got something up on the Jumbotron. Hen House Hustle is a live-action anime parody. It follows the story of Tristan, a young and aimless otaku.

His life changes forever when he makes a wish that his life was more like his favorite anime show, Mango Mango Me. A mysterious man overhears him, and suddenly he inherits an apartment building full of beautiful women, each embodying certain anime tropes. They are trying to raise money to produce this thing. Everything goes to paying the actors, feeding the cast and crew, materials to build the sets and costumes. They are on Indiegogo

at bit.ly slash hen hustle. That's bit.ly slash hen hustle. You can also go to bit.ly slash Jesse will almost certainly not get any of the jokes in the entire thing. And they encourage you to come join the sexy fun.

Go ahead and come join the sexy fun. Go join the sexy fun. Come on, join the sexy fun. It's fun. And it's sexy. If you want to sponsor Jordan and Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you're a listener, you want to get up one time, share your message on the Jumbotron, whether it's a birthday wish or a plug for a project or whatever. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

It's cheap. It's easy. It's fun. Come and join the sexy fun. Come join the sexy fun. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, You're like, I'm entombed in a tub of honey. There you go. That's what I'm entombed in.

Yeah, a sarcophagus of honey. Yeah, ready to meet Anubis. That actually is. Take me home, sweet Anubis. Did you know they replaced the body juices and filled the body cavities with honey? Oh, yeah, they did do that. That was a thing, right? Yeah, I think so. After they pulled the brains out through the nose with a hook.

Not important to the Egyptians. Yeah. That old system. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, but yeah. It's good to have a system. They just did whatever the aliens told them to do.

That's confirmed? That's been confirmed. Oh, yeah. Definitely. I think having a system helps. Look at Phil Jackson. Sure. You know, that guy's got like five championship rings because he's got that triangle offense.

Right. No one understands except him. So the Egyptians, like pulling the brain out through the nose with a hook, that was like their version of the triangle offense. It's about ball movement. How does LeBron James iterate all this? Yeah, yeah i don't know i don't think he doesn't know okay he's outside he's not at all he'd point forward gotcha okay point forward he plays point forward so uh i want to mention one other thing as people listen to this it will either be imminent or have just happened that max fun con tickets will have gone on sale whoa the day after

thanksgiving is the day that max fun con tickets will be available for you to purchase. Max FunCon 2015 is June 12th through 14th. Jordan will be there. I will be there. Our colleagues at Maximum Fun, I don't ever give out the lineup ahead of time, but I'll say that they're like family to each other in a literal sense.

They're literally our family to each other and they're at maximum fun. Tantalizing. Infantilizing. So yeah, tickets go on sale at maxfuncon.com.

So go there, buy your tickets. It's the best fun you will ever have. And if you do want to go, like, get your tickets because a lot of times they sell out within a few weeks. So maxfuncon.com is the place to go. Now let's talk about momentous occasions, Jordan. Boom. Mike, I don't know if anything momentous has ever happened to you before. No.

Boom. Mike, I don't know if anything momentous has ever happened to you before. No. But when something momentous happens to you at some point in the future, we'll have you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Let's go to the tape. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. My name is Heather, and I'm from Dallas, Texas. And I was just driving on my way to work this morning, and I passed a pickup truck that had a trailer attached to it. But on the back window of the pickup truck, there was a port-a-potty.

And somehow in my brain, of course, because these are the same thing going together, the Jesus squeezes and the port-a-potty just goes together, and it just made the Jesus squeezes even weirder, and I don't know what that means. Thanks so much. Love the show. Bye. Juice squeeze. Yeah.

I mean, I think what she envisioned was Jesus pooping. Having a hard time pooping. Yes, having some trouble. Sure, sure, sure. Which technically, I mean, there's no record of that in the scripture, but it doesn't mean it didn't happen. There you go. It could have happened during the lost years. He had some bad stuff happen to him. I don't know why. It could have happened during the lost years. He had some bad stuff happen to him.

I don't know why he would be exempted from that. Right. Exactly. Who knows? Maybe it's in the Gnostic Gospels. Sure. Timothy could have written about that. Maybe you can find it in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Some kind of Mormon thing. Sure. Those golden discs under that tree. Yeah. Maybe when he was here helping the Native Americans, he was also having some intestinal distress. Sure.

Too much pemmican. Sure, yeah. Too much fry bread. So, yeah. Yeah, but I think what is really going on is that this person is part of some sort of

religious juice bar. Yeah. Some sort of, like, evangelical juice bar. Or just convenience beverages. Uh-huh. I mean Some sort of like evangelical juice bar. Or just convenience beverages. Uh-huh. I mean, do you remember a juice squeeze

where you could twist it off the top and then you squoze it into your mouth? Is it a squeeze it? Is that a squeeze it? Yeah. I think a juice squeeze

is like a sparkling water thing. It's like a flavored... Oh, yeah. That's like a crystal geyser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, let's talk about squeeze its then.

Sure. What about them? That seems more like a Jesus type thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, let's talk about squeeze-its then. Sure. What about them? Because that seems more like a Jesus type thing. Yeah, I agree with you. Do you think it's convenient holy water perhaps for the progressive church? Freshly squeezed holy water? Maybe he went ahead and blessed it. I should hope that all the beverages they're serving him are blessed.

Maybe somebody thinks that holy water is you squeeze Jesus and whatever you know, whatever sweat comes out, I guess. Sure. Oh, yeah. It could have a little bit of his sweat in it. Hey, guys. Just going backwards for a second. Get a load of this. Hey, talk about holy shit.

Thanks. So you're going backwards in every sense. Just moving backwards. Yeah. Just comically, emotionally. Let's infantilize this a little bit yeah tantalizing infantilizing um yeah but i mean i think it's it's you know having some sort of religious cold press juice is a great idea i mean it keeps you regular um you know you get a lot of nutrients without a

ton of sugar and you can use it to kill a vampire. Should one attack. I don't need to see any more stickers on the back windows of trucks. Yeah, you're over it. I don't want to see outlines of your family as cartoon characters. I don't want to see Calvin peeing on anything. It's pretty much the truck just says it right there. You're kind of 90%. I get you.

Yeah, I'm a truck person. I have a truck. Look at my giant truck. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a truck person of a truck. Look at my giant truck. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just want to throw that out there. The thing that I most don't want to see is it's the outlines of your family, but it also has a theme, like a Star Trek outlines of your family.

Right. Or like Packers outlines of your family. Or like Packers outlines of your family. Or just whatever. I don't need it. It's great. I'll look in your truck. If I want to know what is in your family, I'll take a look in your truck and see which family members are there.

See if they have Vulcan ears on or not. Let's hear our next call. Hi, Jordan. Jesse Go. My name is Sarah. I'm a librarian in New Orleans. And I have to say, I never thought I'd be calling you, but I was just working a party at my library at which I had my photo taken with famous author Wally Lamb and Steve Guttenberg at the same time, which I thought was enough for a night until later that night, Peter from Peter, Paul and Mary came in and asked me to call him a taxi after the party was over because he was confused about the time. So I was very excited. Anyway, thanks for listening. She lives inside a poster that says read on it.

I, boy, I mean, I, listen. Do people call and just describe their dreams? Yeah, they describe peyote hallucinations. We get a lot of calls from ayahuasca ceremonies. I'm a librarian at a library in New Orleans. And I was doing a vision quest. Sure, yeah. Great call.

Yeah. Great momentous occasion. Very weird that all those people are at the same place. In a library in New Orleans. In a library in New Orleans. Look, if you called me and you said, hey, I'm at the Hollywood Awards. Sure. Hollywood Awards.

Honoring Hollywood's brightest stars. Then I would say, of course. Of course you're going to have Peter from Peter, Paul, and Mary there. And Steve Guttenberg. You got to have the good. I think if you're going to remake Three Men and a Baby, it would be Wally Lamb, Peter from Peter, Paul, and Mary, and Guttenberg would sign up again. Yeah, you got to have somebody from the original cast back.

Or maybe he can just do a cameo at the end. Yeah, he comes in as a cop or something. He's like, I think you guys are going to be okay. And then he flies away. If you're, you know, you're a Hollywood insider.

Sure. You're remaking Three Men and a Baby, let's say. This is hypothetical. Right, right. Hopefully not hypothetical. This sounds like

there's a lot of buzz behind it. We actually have the option. So if you want to make this happen. I got my pitch ready. Let's go. The key is we want to see a nice long script with no jokes in it. Done. That's central to making Three Men and a Baby.

But some singing. It has to depend completely on the charm of its stars because it contains no humor to speak of. Do you bring Nimoy back to direct? Oh, my God. Or do you have a different cast member of Star Trek direct? Maybe somebody from TNG. Let's say Jonathan Frakes. I was going to say maybe go original cast and go Nichelle Nichols.

Oh, sure. That would be a wild card. George Takei, very big. Yeah, George Takei was in here. He's a fun guy. Yeah. I think that gets you, I think that puts you on the radar.

He's got that Comic-Con audience into your three-minute-a-baby reboot. Maybe he should get a Ferengi. No, sure. Those are the guys with the bumpy heads. Does Worf direct? I think probably Worf directs. I don't know. Yeah, I know the character Worf. I think the beard guy, the beard guy from Star Trek, he directed one of the Star Trek movies, didn't he?

Yes. Jonathan Frakes? First Contact. First Contact. The reason I know that is because I have a VHS copy of it. I just looked at it today for like no reason. Because I did a panel with Ron Moore who wrote it. Neat.

So that's all random things that happened today. Was that panel just guys who've run television shows but are unconnected in any other way? There's a movie called Showrunners, which is exactly what you're describing. Documentary about people who run shows of which I'm a part of. And we did a thing at Meltdown Comics. And it was me and him. And, yes, literally no connection except I went to Ithaca College and he went to Cornell. Weirdly enough, the same exact years, we were in the same exact town with nothing else to talk about.

And that you have a VHS copy of First Contact. I mean I think that's as strong a link as any. I have the definitive media upon which to view First Contact. Mike, maybe you can confirm or deny something, but I've heard that Ithaca is gorgeous. Is that the case at all? It is. I read it on the sticker on the back of a truck, as a matter of fact. Hashtag keep Austin weird.

Is Virginia indeed for lovers? Maryland is, forget it. Yeah, there's no more of these. I was going to say, great call. You know, when a call starts, I'm a librarian and I never thought I would be calling. Oh, sure. I was prepared for something different tonally. It does set you up.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean – We are the penthouse forum of podcasts. The other day – like what I'm expecting, I'm a librarian. I never thought I would call into your program, but the other day, I happened to have pulled off my square black

eyeglasses and pulled the scrunchie out of my hair and shook it over my shoulders. And the top couple of buttons of my blouse happened to come undone. That's the direction we're expecting it to go. It in-walked Steve Guttenberg.

I mean, now you got- Momentous. Now you got momentous. Yeah. Anyway, but great call. I don't mean to- I'm not disappointed. I was just thrown for a loop.

Some years ago, I watched the television program Veronica Mars, and Steve Guttenberg is on Veronica Mars. Mars and Steve Guttenberg is on Veronica Mars. And when I watched Veronica Mars, my reaction to watching Steve Guttenberg on that show was, huh, Steve Guttenberg's still really fun. Yeah. Why isn't he in more stuff? On another Rob Thomas production, Guttenberg cameos as himself in Party Down and usually the like celebrity plays himself thing. I mean, it's a little played out at this point I think.

Like you play a version of your persona or you flip your persona in some way. Like when Mike was in Star Trek First Contact. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Everybody knows you as a Ferengi but you played a Borg. Yeah. This was all – you're describing my nightmare in terms of I could not converse with Ron Moore about Star Trek because I really don't know anything about Star Trek. OK.

And so, yeah. I was afraid he would start talking like this and I would be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Star Trek. How do you come to have one of the – I don't want to say lesser but one of the not that popular Star Trek movies? It's in a weird – from my wife's father's house where he collected all kinds of stuff and bequeathed it to us. Oh, nice. And it was in there and it's shrink-wrapped and probably going to be on eBay very soon. Jordan, I think it's okay to call Star Trek First Contact a lesser Star Trek film.

I think it's generally accepted that there are two categories of Star Trek film. There's the better Star Trek films. That's Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home. And. There's the better Star Trek films. That's Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home. And then there's the lesser Star Trek films. That's the rest of the Star Trek films. So Gutenberg plays himself on Party Down and is great. And I think the weird thing that they do in that episode is that he's not a weird jerk.

He's not, like, coked out. He's just a real nice guy. And he helps everybody have a fun time. It's really good. I'm trying to think what would be the twist on Gutenberg. I don't have a full, even though I've watched a lot of Gutenberg movies, what is the personality that you're, I'm not even sure. I mean, I guess if you were just- He's just affable, but kind of agitated, but funny, but kind of- I mean, I guess if you're just – He's just affable but kind of agitated but funny but kind of – I mean I guess if you're starting with Police Academy, which I think is a great place to start.

True and I'm kind of lacking in my Police Academy. Well, in that he plays a party animal who plays by his own rules. Good guy at heart but wants to game the system. So yeah, I mean I think originally Gutenberg was kind of a Bugs Bunny type. Somebody there to shake things up. But I think as he got older, he started playing more kind of dad-like roles. Yeah. Now he's more of a fun grandpa.

Sure. Who's had some work done. Who helps the characters from Party Down to have a great time. Yeah. Let's take another call. Hey, this is Josh from Louisiana calling in with a moment of shame. I have two pet rats, and one of them just bit me on the dick. All right.

Got to go. Where did the other one bite you, guy? Hopefully on the balls. Square up the butt. It sounded like he passed out immediately after saying that. Because he's got a rat bite on the dick. I can only make one phone call. This guy's losing a lot of blood.

Yeah. Who can help me? My dick has the plague now. Jesus. Don't hold that rat so close. You got a dick. Yeah. How did that scenario start to happen?

He's naked. He let me get my rat out. He was on Reddit one day checking out different subreddits. Something caught his eye and he got some ideas. I guess we're just assuming he's naked. I mean, it could have just bit him through the pants, right?

Yeah. That's a pretty severe... I gotta believe he was naked. I mean, I would... No, don't get me wrong, Mike. I wanna believe he's naked. What do you think the rat was wearing? Hopefully little swim trunks.

Gimp suit? Yeah, gimp suit. I know, yeah. This was a bondage rat. He should have said, I'm assuming the end of that story is I have two pet rats. One of them bit me on the dick. I have one pet rat. I immediately throttled it to death.

With my dick. Yeah. I think he was wearing a robe. Okay. He just in a robe handling rats.. With my dick. Yeah. I think he was wearing a robe. Okay. He just in a robe handling rats. Yeah, he's got his rats out. That's a robe activity, sure. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is a lonely guy.

I'm sure. You know what I mean? He's got pet rats. He's got two pet rats. He's calling podcasts. He's got two pet rats. Instead of the hospital. Instead of the hospital.

With the last of his blood pressure, he's dialing the number 206-984-4-FUN, which he remembers from listening to this show. He just hangs out in his robe all the time talking to his rats. Hey, little buddy, let's talk Ferengis. You know what I mean? Yeah. What's your favorite Jonathan Frakes directed movie did Frakes direct after First Contact and he says

and he says oh that's the beard guy from Star Trek The Next Generation yeah also there was one lady that was on there only one year

she was blonde and then there was Whoopi Goldberg there you go he just explains Star Trek The Next Generation yeah that by the way

was a perfect explanation of Star Trek The Next Generation that sounds like everything I knew about it. You haven't seen the show. You're not that familiar with it. But basically there was a blonde lady who was on there for one year. There was a beard guy and then Whoopi Goldberg was on there sometimes. It's a pretty good summary.

It's a pretty good summary. I feel like I don't need to watch any of them now. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Watch any of them now. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, MaxFun listeners, I'm Dave Holmes, and if you've ever laughed at the Brits for the way they say schedule, or Americans for the way we keep seeing Jesus in our food,

this is the show for you. International Waters, a transatlantic panel game that pits comedians in London and comedians in Los Angeles against each other in a deadly Skype-based pop culture battle royale. Every two weeks, or fortnightly, as they say in Britain, like they're better than us. Find it in iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Mike Royce, The Bald Guardian. Mike, let's say there's young people out there. They're interested in following your career. Okay. I'll accept the premise, though I don't buy it. Probably they already watched Men of a Certain Age. Sure, that's your first go-to for any tween.

Well, certainly it's a cult college classic. They like that let's all go to Vegas and get prostate exams arc. Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies. You're welcome. Okay. Forgive me. You know what?

You know what happened? Fucking young people are out there. They're watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine. They're surprised that Andre Brower is funny. And they're going back to check out Men of a Certain Age. I hope so. I love Brooklyn Nine-Nine, first of all. It's great. It's very funny. Great show.

My entire family loves it. We watch it. That's one of the two shows that we watch. I call it The New Enlisted. That hurts my heart in a good way. Okay. But yeah, you know, the sad thing about Men of a Certain Age is that many people who weren't, you know, the title made people think that they have to be a certain age to watch it. And then a lot of people who were not a certain age watched it and then they liked it but not enough people because they, you know, they didn't think. But yeah, what I'm trying to say in my convoluted way is if you're 20, watch it.

You'll like it. I'll tell you what. And the funny guy from Enlisted is yeah, what I'm trying to say in my convoluted way is if you're 20, watch it. You'll like it. I'll tell you what. And the funny guy from Enlisted is on there. I'm 20. I loved it. I'm 19. I'll watch it if it's on. Well, then you won't watch it.

Which is, I do not watch it. I should say I do not watch it. Yeah. We're trying to get it streaming somewhere. But yeah, Andre, when we cast Andre on Non-Enlish and Men of a Certain Age, we were, the only thing we were afraid of, because he was, of course, America's, he's, you know, one of America's greatest actors. Yeah. Yeah. So the idea that you're considering Andre Brouwer is already ridiculous. But it

was a dramedy, and so we wanted it to be funny in parts. And we went on a hunt for Andre Brouwer, humorous moments from his work in the past. There were none. Literally, as Ray says, he, he stumped Google. Like we couldn't find, we literally couldn't find a moment.

The closest thing was he was in that movie duets with, and, and his storyline takes him with Paul Giamatti. And I thought, Oh, this would be kind of funny, kind of straight, funny combination of guys. Paul Giamatti does all the, he's just irascible and sarcastic and Andre Brauer is the,

I mean, kind of what he does in Crooked 99, straight guy, but it's not like a funny, funny movie. So even that was impossible to tell. I mean, not a funny, funny movie. So even that was impossible to tell. I mean, not a funny, funny movie. I mean. I feel like Huey Lewis is pretty hilarious. I mean, he's sort of a ringer. Yeah.

You're bringing Huey Lewis. Right. Everybody's going to be laughing. That's your comedy stunt cast. Yeah. Clearly. That's your block comedy piece. He gets in there to goose everybody.

Yeah. Give it a little jolt of comic energy. What's up, guys? It's Huey Lewis from the album Sports. You know what I mean? It's me, Huey Lewis from Dad's Tape Deck. I'll tell you what. I love Men of a Certain Age.

I want people out there to watch it. It's one of my favorite shows I've ever watched on television. My favorite of the shows that you've worked on on even more so than Raymond and Enlisted, which I also both loved. Thank you. It's certainly the nearest and dearest to my heart, I must say. Yeah. A wonderful television program. But if people are interested in pursuing their interest in Mike Royce further into the future, how might they do so? What is Mike Royce working on?

Is that the question? Yeah, sure. Well, yes. Me and the guy from Enlisted, Kevin Beagle, are working on an adaptation of Big, the movie Big, for the Fox Television Network.

And it's a limited series so as not to suck. Ah, yes. That's the way we try to get around that. But you're going to have that same weird gypsy witch, right? The gypsy Zoltar, yes. The way we try to get around that. But you're going to have that same weird gypsy witch, right? The gypsy Zoltar? Yes.

Zoltar will be a key element. Will Paul Giamatti do the voice? There wasn't a voice before, but listen. Sure. Do you think you'll get Andre Brouwer? I want to reunite the men of a certain age on big for no reason. Yeah, sure. Get them in there.

Yeah. Is there a Twitter we should be looking for? There's the at Mike Royce. Very simple to find. And otherwise, yes. You can follow at Royce to 5'9". Rapper. Sure.

Oh, yeah. There's like an ultimate fighter or something. Oh, yeah, sure. Some tough guys with the name Royce that I occasionally get mixed up with and I just go with it. I'm having a little bit of like Twitter confusion because there is like a – Someone on the British voice or something like that? No, there is a kind of weird rap singer in the UK named Jordan Morris, but there is a soccer or football player who's on one of the American – we're trying to get football popular. Major League Soccer? Yeah, yeah, teams who just got some sort of big contract.

So anyway, some Twitter confusion around that. Well, we'll see. I have not heard much about the career of Mormon singer-songwriter Jesse Thorne. Is that recently? Who is real? Okay. Yeah. I will now find out more.

But I wish him all the best. Sure. That's my birthday wish to him, whatever his birthday may be. Yeah. MaxFunCon tickets on sale Friday, day after Thanksgiving. We'll see you at MaxFunCon. We are online at

forum.maximumfun.org. That's our forum. Maximumfun.reddit.com. Lots of stuff going on in the Reddit each and every day. Of course, the Maximum Fun Facebook group. Thousands of members and growing. Lots of stuff going on in the Reddit each and every day. Of course, the Maximum Fun Facebook group. Thousands of members and growing. Lots of fun discussions. You can even watch it.

You can see some pictures of the set of us taking glamour shots of a bag of candy blood. Terrific. All of that on the internet. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Brian Fernandez, Sonny D, our silent producer. You'd never know he was here given how quiet he's been back behind that glass. He's laughing now,

but silently not a sound emerging from Brian Fernandez. He'll never crack the implacable. Wait, no, the reverse, the pure, the always plaqued, the cool guy.

Brian Fernandez. Okay, that's it. Fuck off. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye.