Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 353: Nose Shrimp with Scott Aukerman

Episode Date: December 1, 2014

Podcaster, TV host and writer Scott Aukerman joins Jordan and Jesse for a conversation about washing behind the ears, children's books, and Jesse's experience on Scott's television program.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. I am in the holiday spirit, Jordan. I'm roasting chestnuts. I can tell by your delicate tone. This is... It's not at all angry and robotic.

This is Christmas, Jesse. Jordan. Fa la la. Put the Christ back in Christmas, you chumps. Jolly old King Wenceslas. Chestnuts. What did Jolly Old King Wenceslas do? I don't know.

I honestly don't know. Jolly Old King Wencesless something. That's a different song. That's not jolly old king wincesless. Loves to take your wife. He will always take your wife. She's better off with him.

That's the song. It's the season of giving. Yeah, giving your wife to a king who will treat her better than you can. Yeah, well, I mean, he's always having feasts and stuff. Sure. Banquets. My son has a book about a king that's taking

a bath, and then everyone wants to get him out of the bath, but he won't get out of the bath. He's got a battle. He holds a battle in the bath with his knight. And he has lunch in the bath with his knight. And he has lunch in the bath with his wife.

He has a masquerade ball in the bath. The Duke and him go fishing in the bath. And I'm like, hey, just get out of the goddamn bath. Is this book intended to encourage a love of bath time? Like by showing a powerful man who loves bathing? Well, at the end of it, the page has –

Personally, I'd like to see Barack Obama in the bath. Would you? Yeah, I'd give kids of America because kids look up to Obama. Yeah, and he's a clean African-American gentleman. Sure. I believe it's what Joe Biden once said. Yeah. So, you know, I think if we got to see Obama in a bath conducting some business, American kids would be more likely to bathe.

That's a really good point. Anyway. Maybe Michelle Obama should take up that cause. That'd be nice. Washing behind the ears? Mm-hmm. Do you wash behind your ears, Jordan? You know, I forget to wash behind my ears a lot.

It was something that was a value that was instilled upon us to wash behind the ears. Well, your mother has down-home values. Sure, exactly. Cornbone values. She's blind from some homemade whiskey she made in the bathtub. Yeah, so I forget to wash behind my ears sometimes, but then I will, like, scratch, and then I will smell my finger afterwards. I'm like, oh, it really smells bad back there. Wait, you're scratching behind your ear?

Yeah. And then smelling your finger? I mean, I just like to, anytime I jam my finger anywhere, I like to smell it afterwards. Sure. It's my policy. Sure. If it's been in something, give it a sniff. Uh-huh.

So, yeah, and then I will notice how bad the barn is. That, by the way, is the reason that Copenhagen flooded. Right, because I had to sniff my finger after jamming it in that dam. I'm not going to say dike. Yeah, that seawall. Sure. Jamming it in that seawall. Yeah.

Do you wash it behind your ears? I'm still picturing you. Number one, no, I don't. I also basically don't. Jesse, right now, right now, lift your headphone. Give it a little rub. Okay. Get some of the essential oils on there.

Give it a sniff. I smell nothing. Okay. My hair is naturally balanced like hippies at UC Santa Cruz used to tell you what happened if you didn't shave. Although, you know, I guess as a non-haired man, you probably don't have as much head sweat as I do. You're saying you have a lot of head sweat. You seem conflicted. I'm just trying to have an explanation for why I stink. You may be just a smelly man.

That's true. But you're not supposed to be able to smell your own smell. The behind-the-ear shit's potent. Really? Yeah. I would notice it. I'm sincere when I say I'd smell nothing. That's okay.

No, I believe you. I know you're not fucking around. I got a little bit of bay lime in my beard oil. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I used a beard oil to manage my beard. Beard management? Yeah. It's got a little bay lime bay lime in my beard oil. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I use a beard oil to manage my beard. Beard management? Yeah. It's got a little bay lime scent.

It's refreshing. Okay. Do you think that gets behind the ears? No. All right. I think it's clean back there. Okay. I think it's naturally clean back there.

I think you just probably have a tight behind the ear. Because the ears are like flaps that protect it from soil that would otherwise, the soil might get on your face or whatever, but the ear flaps protect that area. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't know. Okay. Maybe I'm a freak. Maybe I'm a fucking freak with smelly behind the ears.

How about this? Okay. If you're out there listening right now, stick your finger behind your ear and rub it around like this. Give it one of those. And give it a nice sniff. Yeah. finger behind your head. Rub it around like this. Give it one of those. And give it a nice sniff. And let us know. Let us know what you smell. Hit us up. Hashtag ear smells.

Let's bring our guest onto the program. He is the host of Comedy Bang Bang, the popular television program and podcast. He is handsomer than ever. Sure. He was a funny rock and roll guy on a recent episode of The Birthday Boys. His name is Scott Aukerman. Hi, Scott.

Hi, guys. Thank you so much for having me back. Thanks for coming on. Scott, what's the situation behind your ears? You know, I was thinking about that while you were talking about it. Yeah. Not because you were talking about it. Yeah. Not because you were talking about it. Coincidentally. It's just something fun to think about.

What's with behind the ears? Just wash everywhere. Like, why are people being so specific about behind the ears? Why? Come on, moms. Wash yourself. Sure. I'm not saying don't wash yourself.

Although, to be honest, can I tell you where I wash? I wash, yes. I wash in what I would call- Location or bodily? Bodily location. I only wash in Barbados. Here I go to Barbados. And first class. Yeah, exactly.

Have a couple margs poolside and get in the bath. I wash in my stink areas. Yeah. I wash my underarms and my- Crotch and butt. My crotch and butt. And the rest of me- Good King Crotch and Butt.

It's my favorite Christmas carol. Jolly old King Crotch and Butt brings you a- He doesn't want your wife. He's gay. He's a confirmed bachelor. Excuse me. The other parts of my body I do not wash. Huh.

I wash my hands. Yeah. After I go to the bathroom. Yeah. But I do not generally wash, say, my torso. I wash my torso. I wash my arms. A little uncomfortable to get down to wash the

legs. I gotta say, bending... Who likes to bend over in the shower? Not me. Not me! And that's not a joke on bending over in the shower. I just mean, who likes to bend over... I mean, when you're a tall gentleman, and Jesse, you know, I think you relate to this. You and I are both tall. We're both taller

than the average. Sure. Jordan is medium-sized. Yes. He's perhaps average. He's a C. Yeah. We're both taller than the average. Sure. Jordan is medium-sized. Yes. He's perhaps average. He's a C. Yeah. We're A's. That's a good way to put it. Above average.

I know. Thank you. Yeah. I mean, you guys are being diplomatic. I am less than. But you don't like to bend over in general. In a lot of ways, Jordan is human. I have human qualities.

We're going to test that a little later in the program. I still don't understand love. There's something about his eyes, though, where you feel like when you're talking to him, he understands what you're saying. I recently learned how to use Twix to get termites. Sure. Twix to get termites. Oh, yeah. They love Twix.

Oh. They love the cookie crunch. Yeah. The termites get all over the Twix, and then I have a little- Okay. A trap. It's like a termite trap. I lick them off the Twix.ites get all over the Twix and then I have a little- Okay. A trap. It's like a termite trap. I lick them off the Twix.

I don't eat the Twix myself. Sorry. Scott, you were saying about bending over. I think that's true. Yeah. I don't like to bend over anywhere. I never want to bend. I abandoned stretching as like a 12 or 13-year-old when I quit playing sports, when I also abandoned sports.

And I don't stretch out before this podcast. Well, I do vocal warmup. You're going to cramp up the tip of the tongue, the teeth in the lips, red leather, yellow leather, red leather,

yellow leather. Whether the weather be cold, whether the weather be hot, we'll be together. Whatever the weather, whether we like it or not. Exactly. Guys, that was great.

Thank you. But, yeah, I make my wife have all the lower drawers. I take the top ones. And just bending over in general is not good. And another tall gentleman said to me when we were at lunch once, he was looking. This is Mr. Manute Bull. We were looking around the restaurant and he was saying, he just kind of said to me, you know what? You don't see a lot of older tall guys, do you?

It made you think. Yeah. It's true. It's because they get their heads chopped off on roller coasters. Exactly. That's what happens to older tall guys. You know what I think? We're going to live shorter, but we're living better, Scott.

Jordan. You know what I think wash behind the ears could be? I think it's shorthand for just get into the crevasses. Okay. So people don't want to say wash your butthole. Yeah, make sure to get the taint while you're in there, honey. Well, I don't know. Okay, I understand the whole, hey, make sure you get your neck when you're putting on suntan

lotion. Sure. Right. Because one can tend to forget that. But who cares about behind the- It could be dangerous. Yes. Wait, why could-

You could get cancer. Oh, sure. Well, put suntan lotion on everything. Yes. Wait, why could? You could get cancer. Oh, sure. Well, put suntan lotion on everything. Sure. But remember your neck because that is a place that one forgets. And get your ears when you're putting on suntan lotion. That's the other thing that you can tend to forget. Oh, yeah, these things are still part of skin.

But the whole washing behind your ears. First of all, the shower takes care of that in a lot of ways, does it not? Yeah. Well, the shower takes care of that in a lot of ways, does it not? Yeah. I think the blowing water on yourself from a spout, that's good enough for most parts of the body. Does one really need to put some soap to it? I don't know.

I don't know either. And is behind the ears the dirtiest part of the body? I don't think so. What problems are coming from having soil back there? Why do you keep saying soil, by the way? You keep saying soil like on your face. Are you in the Dust Bowl in the 30s? I am, yes. Listen, these Hoovervilles can get unsanitary.

These migrant workers are not always the cleanest. Here's the thing. Yeah. Behind your ear. What do you think about that theory? What's getting in there? Behind the ears is shorthand. It's, you know, from a more polite time.

Would you say it's shorthand or would you say it's a euphemism? So what I'm asking is, do they mean that you should wash behind your ears and in all the other parts of your body? Sure, that are hard to reach. Or do they, when they say wash behind your ears, do they really mean wash between your

butt? I think they actually mean behind your ears because anytime I've read it, people would get clapped, you know, on the head if they checked behind the ears and there was dirt back there. But I think it was a dirtier time. I genuinely think that when this became a thing, there was a lot of dirt flying around. It was like industrial Manchester. Exactly. Or even- Lots of metal flying around. It was like industrial Manchester.

Exactly. Or even- Lots of metal shavings in the air. Yeah. New York in the 30s even. I mean, the reason people wore hats was because people were throwing shit out of their windows all the time. So basically, you're thinking that at the time, people could have been walking down the street and at any moment, poop could go behind their ears.

Behind their ears. And then you would forget to wash back there and it's like, hey, you have shit behind your ears. I'll tell you this. I don't believe in much, but I do believe in this, Scott. If you have poop somewhere, clean it off. Clean it off. Okay. Yeah.

A bold stance. That is something I truly – that's at the center of who I am. I mean, you believe in that almost as much as putting the Christ back into Christmas. The two things I believe in most of all are, number one, putting the Christ back into Christmas. That's number one, really. That's eclipsed. Remembering the reason for this evening. Yes.

The war on Christmas, gentlemen. Where are we? On the front lines? Hopefully. Number two. I want to be behind a big machine gun. I'm not quite on Christmas, gentlemen. Where are we? On the front lines? Hopefully. Number two. I want to be behind a big machine gun. I'm not quite on the front lines. Like where guys can't get me, but I can still shoot them.

I'm behind the front lines. I want to be a sniper. Oh, that would be cool. A war on Christmas sniper. Yeah, take that Santa Claus. Taking Jews out. Magnostics. Some Wiccans.

Get those Wiccans right in the brain stem. Here's your solstice, baby. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Here's your solstice. Hey, baby. I'm a sniper. I'm a sniper, baby.

What is that sniper, Kojak? Hey, beautiful. I'm going to plug you right in the brain stem. Baby. Hey. Anyone got a lollipop? Baby. Santa represents Jesus.

I will say Kojak is one of the only characters to ever eat a lollipop on TV. I don't think I've seen it since. Yeah. Maybe one of the little rascals. Yeah. I think some of the models from Deal or No Deal occasionally ate lollipops. There was a period where celebrities and pop stars ate lollipops. I would say in the late 1990s, early 2000s, there was a time when an ingenue would consume a lollipop.

I have an image in my head of Katy Perry licking a lollipop and maybe it's just what I want to see sure Britney Spears I can't imagine there's not a picture of Katy Perry

eating a lollipop somewhere I've looked this up yeah let's all look this up Britney Spears seems like she's eating a lollipop on television

I'm sure Brad Pitt in one of his many I'm eating things roles probably ate a lollipop at some point on screen Britney Spears

then who okay I'm looking at Katy Perry lollipop I'm against Brad screen? If not Britney Spears, then who? Okay, I'm looking at Katy Perry lollipop. I'm against Brad Pitt. You are? Yeah. I just worked with him. He was a very nice gentleman.

Well, congratulations, Scott. I got one. I got a match. Stop! We got a match, ladies and gentlemen. There she is. She looks great.

There she is. First thing that comes up. Oh, a ton of pictures of her. Howdy do. Yeah. Just a whole series. There's a huge one. Oh, a ton of pictures of her just. Howdy do. Yeah. Just a whole series. There's a huge one. Whoa.

That's a Willy Wonka style. It's bigger than her fucking head. Yeah. That's like a state fair lollipop. Yeah. That's like one of those $4.50 joints. Oh, my goodness. That's too much for a lollipop.

No, I agree. I think you enjoy, in a $4.50 lollipop, you enjoy what? 75 cents of it? Then you throw the rest away? Five licks? What are you going to do? Save the rest? Yeah. That in a $4.50 lollipop, you enjoy what? 75 cents of it? Then you throw the rest away? Five licks? What are you going to do? Save the rest? Yeah.

That's a term I... For a rainy day? That's a term I'd attraction if I ever heard of one. Yeah. I had a giant fair lollipop as a child. You had me at I had a giant. I had a giant. He died, as giants tend to do, early.

Yeah. But you guys know the plight of the tall man. Sure. They die early. His head was chopped off on a roller coaster. When was the last time you saw an elderly giant, Scott? Well, I guess in Twin Peaks, there's the waiter who, he's pretty old. So that gives me hope for the future.

Okay. The room service guy. I was going to say Grandpa Munster was pretty old when he was in Pet Sematary. Yeah. Is he a tall gentleman, Grandpa Munster? Herman Munster was pretty old when he was in Pet Sematary. Yeah. Is he a tall gentleman, Grandpa Munster? Herman Munster. Herman. Oh, yeah.

Fred Gwynn. Yeah. He's a giant, right? Yeah. He's pretty tall. He was in My Cousin Vinny and everything. Yeah. He was pretty tall for an old dude.

Yeah. There's this. We've talked about this before on Jordan, Jesse. And we heard from some people at the Rick Burns organization. But there is a Rick Burns PBS documentary about Coney Island that has Grandpa Munster in it. That's one of the greatest things in history. Oh, my God. Do I love Grandpa Munster in this?

Because apparently Grandpa Munster was like spent the first 10 years of his life like from 13 to 23. He was born as a 13-year-old. I understand. This is a strange story, but I'm on board. As like a carnival barker at Coney Island, and he does his carnival barkings as an elderly, crazy-eyebrowed man who was running for governor as a Green Party member, and it is the greatest thing you've ever seen in your entire life. Grandpa Munster.

Look it up. Is it Barkings or Barkerings? Barkos. Barkos. Barko bits. Barkettes. I never watched the Munsters really, so I don't have any kind of tangential connection to these Munsters you're speaking of. Fair enough.

They were spooky and not so much ooky. That was more of the Addams Family. Were they kooky? No, no. They were spooky and not so much ooky. Okay. That was more of the Addams Family. Were they kooky? No, no. Again, that's more Addams Family territory. Oh, okay.

Well, that's too bad. Yeah. I don't know why I as a young person who was so entranced by monster movies never watched the monsters

or the Addams Family. I just never cared for it. Maybe you thought you've always hated comedy. That's true. Maybe just because you liked monsters you didn't like seeing them in comic situations. Maybe it made you feel –

That might have been it. Like they were – Like it was belittling. It was demeaning to them. Yeah, yeah. Did I ever tell you when I was in first grade – Yes, you did tell me that. I told you every single thing that happened to me that calendar year?

Yes, it was boring. And it took one calendar year to tell you. It was in real time. It was 1976, I believe. The year was 1976. Scott Aukerman was a first grader. Mrs. Piggins. Little did America know, punk rock was on the horizon.

Oh, boy. One year later. The Clash were doing their thing. No, the Ramones, I believe their first record may have been out at the time. 75? The new president, a peanut farmer from Georgia. But it was Halloween, and my teacher was talking to the entire class and said, Okay, everyone, and was doing one of these things of of like let's talk about monsters because it's halloween she said she said uh now who here knows what a vampire is and you know we all say yay she says who knows who's the most famous vampire and um

someone said dracula and she said very good. Who here can name another vampire movie? And I raised my hand and I said, Nosferatu? And she said, no. And someone said, Love at First Bite? And she said, yes. Oh, you were just... That's so funny. You had seen Nosferatu? I hadn't seen it. That's the thing. I was so captivated by monsters. In my local library and in my school library, there were these books that focused on monsters and their origins and also their cinema origins. And every single movie they had been in up to that point.

So there was one on Dracula, one on Frankenstein, one on The Wolfman, and one on The Mummy. And The Mummy one was the really hard to get one. That was the Boo-Berry of these books. Thank you for using another monster analogy. So I would constantly check them out of the library and reread them over and over again. Did you have a rival for the mummy one? Do you think that's what was going on? I just don't think that any of the libraries that have these books for the mummy one? Do you think that's what was going on? I just don't think that any

of the libraries that have these books had the mummy one for some reason. You were into all monsters, but Frankie Frankie was only into the mummy and he kept renewing it until his renewals were out. Do you mean Frank N. Stein? Yeah, that's what Frankensteins

masturbate to. Pictures of mummies. It's forbidden. Ooh, so dusty. It was very akin to – there were these books, other books that I would constantly check out of the library, which were the Superman and Batman history from the 30s to the 70s. But the Shazam one was never in any of the libraries I ever went to and I would constantly look for it because on the dust jacket, it would be listed as, also check out these other ones in the series. I could never, never find it.

And then finally, I found it at a Comic-Con recently and I bought it immediately. How was it? Is it good? You know, I don't know that I've read it. I have just books like, like, look at this fucking thing I got. I found it. I have defeated you, childhood. Yeah, like, look at this fucking thing I got. I found it. I have defeated you, childhood.

Finally. Fuck you, Frankenstein. You thought you could check out the history of Shazam? I'm on television. I'll buy what I please. I won't even look at the price. It's too expensive, actually. I like the idea of your first grade teacher saying, like, oh, can anyone name a famous space movie?

And you saying, a trip to the moon. By Lumiere. Can anyone name a famous space movie and you saying, a trip to the moon? By Lumiere. Can anyone name a famous sea movie? Oh, Battleship Potemkin. Sea movie? Do you mean like less than a B movie? Yeah. Oh, C, S-E-A.

Battleship Potemkin, B minus, C plus. Like a D-list movie. It's a little bit of a snooze. You could even get like George C. Scott or whatever. Another C. Yeah, sure. George S-E-A Scott. He's a mer-man.

What if that was his actual name and they just misspelled it on his first role? He didn't want to tell anyone. Well, okay. I'll take it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse. Go. Go. I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa.

And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. We say all the horrible things about having kids so you don't have to. And you can come across as the magical vessel Pinterest's perfect parent society wants you to be. One Bad Mother, because this is hard and nobody gives a s***. Check us out on iTunes and MaximumFun.org. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Jordan Morris, steal Santa. Scott Ackerman is literally looking at his telephone. Well, I have to make sure that it's on. Does it work currently? Oh, okay.

It does work currently. Probably looking at some more Katy Perry lollipop pics. Oh, boy. Yowza, yowza. I like to pretend that the lollipop is actually my penis. What? Yeah, seriously. The imagination on this guy.

How do they get your penis on a stick? That's true. They just put it through the hole and rounded it off. Like a corn dog? Yeah. You ever had anything put in your penis? No. You?

Oh, I'm into sounding. I know the term. I even know the term. We've talked about sounding on this program before, and I feel like the last time we talked about it, someone sent me a really angry email that we had discussed it, then they looked it up and found out what it was.

Hey, you know what? If you're something, you don't have to look up everything. But hey, maybe you should look up everything. Expand your fucking horizons. And your penis. Expand your penis. don't need to be yeah expand your penis specifically your urethra it'll get yeah it'll get hard uh yeah enjoy your missionary position sex with your yeah dumb wife get google some shit google do one thing with your wife that's fucking weird let your wife insert something i don't know

put spiders on her i'm just spitball here. There's some fun stuff you can do with your nasty wife. With your nasty cum slut of a wife. And your spider collection. There's got to be a way to combine your two interests. Let her roll around in those spideys.

No, I was about to say, yes, I've had a catheter in there when I was a young boy. I had a bladder infection. And I was young. I was five, I believe. And all I recall of the surgery is, you know, I guess they numbed things. I don't really remember. But then I remember them at, you know, I guess they numbed things. I don't really remember.

But then I remember them at, you know, at several times I had to pee. They wanted me to pee during the surgery. It's just so bizarre. Like, they're saying, okay, now go ahead and urinate. And I'm, like, peeing on the walls of the hospital. Isn't it bizarre? I bet you a five-year-old, that's the funnest thing ever. You're like, yay.

It was so much fun being in surgery. Yeah, yeah. But no, I think there's a metal clip in there because when I had recent x-rays, they were like, have you ever had surgery? I was like, oh, yeah, when I was five. I think there's probably something in there. But yeah. And it's still in there? Still in there.

Wow. I haven't sh it out yet. So they were x-raying your junk to find out where your power comes from? Yes, exactly. They're like, wow, this guy's so powerful. Where's this coming from? All right, turn on the x-ray machine. I mean, you would have known if you would have had the Shazam companion book.

That's true. I was at the thrift store the other day. Congratulations. Thank you. You'reift store the other day. Congratulations. Thank you. You're doing well. Thank you very much. Selling or buying? Just like in the store.

Or store credit? Neither. Jerking off. I was just there to jerk off. And I was looking at the, you know, I'll take a browse through the children's books to see if there's any quality books. Things to jerk off to? Ooh, goosebumps. Well, for one thing, the children's book section at like a big thrift store, you know, one with a lot of crap in it, is so desultory.

Like it is such a discouraging – you're so – it is lower than, like, the rejects from a school library in 1974. Like, it is, like, levels lower than that. Meaning the books are. The books are horrible. Like, who bought this book? Like, it'll be a book about the Noids' first birthday or something. You should get your kids super into old mascots with all their ancillary materials. Look, here's what you got to know about the Noids kids.

You got to avoid them. If you want to eat your pizza in peace, you're going to want to get out of the way of the Noid. But you know what I mean? Like, it's just the books are the lowest of the low. Maybe there's some books chronicling the adventures of Cool Spot. But like, I think one of the key types of book is like the book version of the videos you could get for free at Blockbuster like remember how there was that section at Blockbuster of

videos that were felt like Magic Johnson teaches you about AIDS yeah Magic Johnson teaches you about AIDS we're all in the same gang you know etc etc yeah I don't recall ever being that hard up at Blockbuster where I was like, you know what? Let's just get some from the free section. Congratulations, Orange County. I could rent the Princess Bride again. But yeah, so there's the books like things like weird, like weirdly specific storybooks about weirdly specific things. There was one that looked like – and this is a book that has a significant amount of value to the right child when purchased new, I think.

Like when targeted, it's a valuable book. But there was like a book that really looked like someone had just made it themselves and then taken it to a person that could make book covers and bind things. That was about like it was about a mom in a wheelchair, but it has a special name. I can't remember. It was called like Mommy's Throne or something like that. Oh, boy. It was something where I was just like, okay. Jesse, they're called A Song of Ice and Fire. And I was like, oh, boy. Something where I was just like, okay. Jesse, they're called A Song of Ice and Fire.

And I was like, okay. Like if I had a mom in a wheelchair, it would be nice to have a book about it. Whether I would want one that was this terrible, I'm not sure. Sure. But I can understand. But once it gets to the place. This was like a zine. Once it gets to the secondhand store, you know what I mean?

It's a little questionable. But the one that really got me was Little Brothers Briss, which was this huge storybook. And like, this was really intense, like a voluminous text, like 40, 35 pages of multiple paragraphs on each page. Yeah. That's the thing. Like, I don't think these people understood that children are different than grown-ups, except

that they understood maybe that they needed to be explained why part of their brother's penis was being removed. This isn't Brother Bear of the Berenstain Bears, is it? No, it wasn't. It wasn't him having a bris. It would be great if it was just released. It just sort of came out now

that the Berenstain Bears were Jewish all along. Yeah. Well, Berenstain. Yeah. Why is it always the same part of the penis that they take off? Take off something new. Make it a surprise. That's a good point.

Give it a little divot at the bottom, at the base. Yeah. So everyone has a unique penis. Yeah. Give it some, just make it aerodynamic. Give it some slats on the side. But I'm looking at this. Yeah.

You know those, you know, like when you're camping and you find a- Like a turbo football. Yeah, exactly. They say, you know, when you find those sticks that the bugs have worked their way through and they've- You have a lot of bugs issues. Yeah, I love them. I'm just saying, just have some little divots in there, make them unique.

Right. I- But I do have bug issues, Scott. What's going on in your home life that you have so many bug issues? There's bugs on me. At all times. We just moved into a new place. Yeah.

We had an ant issue, and I was going fucking crazy. I couldn't handle it. I was like, I don't know if I can live here. How did Rocky respond? Rocky's fine with it. But I would wake up in the middle of the night itching and I would like scratch and then there'd be an ant on me and then I would get up and turn on my phone and shine the light on the pillow and there'd be ants all over the pillow.

And I was like, I can't. There was ants on your pillow? Mm-hmm. Fuck. And I bet like throughout the day you probably feel phantom ants. But I would see ants crawling everywhere. And yeah, so no matter where I would go, I'd be itching like I had ants all over me. Did you find yourself wanting to dance?

Yeah. I felt like I had ants in my pants. I did want to dance. But we found a guy who we looked him up online and it was like, oh, yeah, he comes in and it's safe for pets. And it was just no problem. And I have not seen an ant in the house yet it's just a chimp with a twig and a twix yeah and a twix just lay down a whole bunch of twix everywhere i've been i've been murdering ants like it's horrible at my house genocide when the ants have done nothing the ants don't do anything.

That's the thing about ants. They're terrifying. They're the most upsetting thing ever. They get on you. They get on your food, whatever. But it's not like they don't have a poisonous bite. The friendly but terrifying ant from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Sure.

Well, when I was younger, I saw, I think it was a television movie, or at least it was a movie that was on television, where the ants rose up. They weren't giant ants. It was just all of the ants decided to attack the humans. And I recall very vividly, and I've tried to look up what it is, and I don't know what it is. But one of the very last scenes were the humans whom we had been seeing the movie through their point of view, the ones that were left alive all gathered in the top floor of a building. And they said, if we're totally still, the ants will leave us alone and they won't kill us.

And I recall they put straws in their mouth in order to be able to breathe. Now I'm thinking, well, the ants would have just went in the straw and then you wouldn't have been able to breathe even more. Yeah. You would have been like spitting the straw out of your mouth. You got some ants in your mouth. But I recall this – one of the people, it just drove them crazy. They couldn't take it.

So they got up and ran towards the window and they saw outside there below was a pool filled with water and he jumped into the pool. But that was a hallucination. It was an empty pool. And so he jumped to his death in this pool. I don't know what this movie is. Sounds great. But I've thought about it so many times. And so ants, I mean, there's, look, supposedly in our ecosystem, there is a purpose for every

living creature. Sure. But if we got rid of Jordan, if we got rid of ants, who would care? We would invent something that does what ants do. Sure. Right? So let's just get rid of them. Ant eaters would just be eaters.

Yeah. They'd finally have a sandwich. Yeah. I'm going to try a sandwich. Oh, Monte Cristo. People are all upset about bees. There's not going to be bees. Just get rid of them.

We'll invent. We can synthesize honey. Sure. Exactly. Can I say one last thing? I know a man named Bert. He can help us make chapsticks. Can I say one last thing about this breast book?

I will allow it. Thank you. Is this a drawing of the penis that was in it? Are you going to describe that? So obviously I want to know how they describe the act of foreskin removal. Because that's the crux of the bris. I mean, certainly the rabbi comes over, you learn religious lessons, all the family gets together. That's pretty high up there on things that happened during the bris.

Right. It's tops and pops in that department. Sure. It's number one with a bullet. It's tops and pops in that department. It's number one with a bullet. And so multiple paragraphs on every page, probably a 25-page book, this book about the breasts. There's just discussion of, well, what kind of food everybody brought.

It might have been someone's dissertation. It's the nuns who came over. What the rabbi's home life is like. And then there's just one – How he has to psych himself up to do it. I'm like, I gotta find the penis part of this. You're the best. You're the best rabbi. I'm like, I gotta find the penis part of this because that's... I wanted... You gotta. You gotta find

the penis part, dude. One sentence... Which is what I said to my wife before I came here. One... We'll be right back. One sentence describing the penis part. It just said, then the rabbi removed some extra skin from his penis.

Ah, extra skin? Yeah, extra. Yeah. What constitutes extra skin? I don't know. You know, there's other places that you could remove some extra skin. I don't know. You know? There's other places that you could remove some extra skin. Sure.

And then just stretch it and stretch it and close up the hole. You wanted a detailed description of the tools. I don't know what I wanted. And where the incision was made. But it seems so flippant. It seemed like a lie. Yeah. It seemed like it should be like, to me, it seemed like't this is for god and that's why we do this it's a big deal but it's important why would god give you it was as though it was as though

it was it was as though all babies are are penis skin sharks have extra penis skin ready to go why would god give you that extra skin well if he wants you to take it off? I mean, as a test of faith, right? Guys, test of faith? Is that why the foreskin is removed? I think it's just one of the things. It's just in there. It's one of the things of a list of things.

Yeah. Right? But then you have it because then it shows that you're serious about doing what God told you to, right? Yeah. Right? But then you have it because then it shows that you're serious about doing what God told you to, right? Yeah. And by the way, I think that being circumcised was a religious thing for so long, but now it's just a cleanliness thing.

Sure. It seems like everyone is. But remember— And an attractiveness issue for those of us in the industry. Certainly. You're going to be flashing it a lot. Oh, yeah. In those casting couches. No, I mean, I think—

I want to make sure you look good. Listen, I think Ben Affleck set a standard in Gone Girl. Certainly. You're going to be flashing it a lot in those casting couches. I want to make sure you look good. Listen, I think Ben Affleck set a standard in Gone Girl. Certainly. That we're all going to have to start flashing the dong at some point. Even those of us who- Kevin Bacon in Wild Things. Sure. Did Ben Affleck show his dong in Gone Girl?

There's a little dong. Good for him. Pretty big, too. Guys, it's pretty big. Well, I imagine it is or it wouldn't be flashing. Yeah, exactly. If he had the call, He could make that call. Sure.

Like, it's not like. He's a powerful man. It's not like he auditioned for the job and then they were like, you're going to have to show some dong. He's like, God damn it. I signed the contract. Scott, Scott, is IFC pressuring you to see my dong out? No one wants to see my dong.

Would you say that your dong is always on, slightly on? Yeah, I had a bad bris. It's just hanging. Slightly off. Okay, we'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Go. Hey, folks. This is Kevin Allison of the Risk Podcast, a proud member of the Maximum Fun family.

If you've never heard Risk before, you've got to check it out. Risk is where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share in public. Stuff you could never hear on NPR. This is where writers, comedians, and people of all walks of life drop the act and get as raw and real as it gets. You know you love stories. Why not check out the show where you'll hear the most unforgettable ones you've ever heard? Check out Risk. Today we are free on iTunes, of course, and we're at MaximumFun.org or at Risk-Show.com.

Risk! dash show.com. Reckless! La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Steal Santa. And Scott Aukerman, some guy who's sitting in a room with the... I don't have a cool nickname! No, you do. That's the nickname. Oh! Scott, that's the nickname. That's the nickname! Yeah!

Their eyes lit up, and they were like, this is the guy! Right. This is the show! This is the show! It is the show. It is the show. That's not a revelation. No, but no.

We're here on the show. Hi, guys. You guys. What? That's not a revelation. No, but no. We're here on the show. Hi, guys. You guys. What? I just got an idea. Huh. Whoa. What if that is his nickname?

Yeah. And what if this is the show? Fuck, dude. Whoa. I am so glad my shrooms are kicking in right now. This is the perfect time for my shrooms to be kicking in. This is like that scene in a movie, in a biopic, where suddenly everyone in the film realizes something that's iconic. Right.

You know, like, oh man, I just read The Doors of Perception. Such a good book. It really opened my mind. We should name our band something like that. Hey, Paul, what are you working on? I don't know. Just hey, Jude. Hey, Jude, don't make it bad.

Wait, that's a good song. Wait a minute. Perhaps it'll change the face of pop music forever. Perhaps I'll step inside this yellow submarine. Wait a minute. That's the song. My Beatles voice is a little vampire-ish. I'm John Lennon, biggest creep in the world.

Oh, hey. Hey. Before we get too much further into it, MaxFunCon tickets now on sale. Get them. MaxFunCon.com. Come hang out with me and Jordan in Lake Arrowhead, hey. Before we get too much further into it, MaxFunCon tickets now on sale. Get them. MaxFunCon.com. Come hang out with me and Jordan in Lake Arrowhead, California. It's going to be great. Got a lot of great performers lined up already.

When is this thing? It's June 12th through 14th. You can come if you want to. Ooh, baby. You can come if you want to. You're invited, Scott. June 12th through 14th? Yeah, June 12th through 14th. Oh, my God.

That sounds like a dream. You're invited, Scott. I'm offering you an invitation. We'll talk about it. We can talk about it later. Oh, my God. That sounds like a dream. I'm offering you an invitation. We'll talk about it. We can talk about it later. Oh, my goodness. You've never come, right? I'm going to guarantee I'll be there.

You've never been, have you? I've never been. I've heard great things about it. Sounds fun. Who is going to be there this year? I can't tell you, Scott. We don't generally announce the lineup until the springtime. Usually we like to sell the tickets first and then announce the lineup afterwards so that we start appearing on the trees again.

And that's the cue. Exactly. When we see those little baby birdies in their nests, we know it's time to announce the lineup for Max Funke. Not until then. Jordan and I and Judge John Hodgman will all be there. This much I'm willing to offer you. Oh, my goodness. And we're all great interpersonally.

That's really true. When you say interpersonal, do you mean like between the bunchings? Oh, I'm sorry. I meant interstellarly. We all have fun opinions about the movie Interstellar. Does everyone eat in the same place and people come up and sit with you at your table and eat with you? Yeah. Yeah.

And everybody's super nice. And everyone goes in the same toilet. The thing is, is there's like, there's only about, there's only about 250 people there total. Okay. And there's only, and of those like 40 or 50 are performers or presenters or whatever. Or crew. Yeah. Below the line.

So it's not like, it's not like a comic-con where like if you're a person that people are there to see there's like a line to take a picture with you or whatever no it's just they're hanging out with you yeah just everybody's there you know because there's no way for it to be another there's not enough other people for there to be a weird you of thing. Is there a mess hall? It's at like a former hunting lodge. So there's like a dining, you know, a few big dining rooms and then there's also an outdoor dining area.

I will say dining rooms, it's like there should be a reason for people to go in them other times of day. Otherwise it's a waste. Really? You know what I mean? Do you not entertain?

I entertain people sometimes, yes. But I don't have a formal dining room. So do you just casual dining? We do casual dining. Like an Applebee's. Yeah, exactly. You have a whole Applebee's It's like a TGI Friday's menu.

Drink specials. Oreo speed wagons all around. Jalapeno poppers. Anyway, moral of the story, you want to come to MaxFunCon, get your tickets at MaxFunCon.com. Want to talk about some momentous occasions? I would love to. I also want to say I think that Oreo speed wagon is the most hilarious casual dining menu item name. I'm going to go out on a limb.

It really is, especially for a band that is not popular anymore. Right. Yeah, exactly. What is an Oreo speed wagon? I think it's like a mudslide. Yeah, that sounds really good, by the way. It does sound really good. You're making me crave one.

What's a mudslide? That's like a milkshake with Kahlua in it? Yeah, it's like a chocolatey Kahlua-based drink. But doesn't it have an actual liquor in it as well and not just Kahlua? Does it have some sort of Jack Daniels in it or something like that? I hope so because I'm ordering one the minute I leave here. I'm into that. Yeah.

Hey, can we get some Oreo speed wagons in here? Yeah. Get some Oreo speed wagons. Three mudslides are Oreo speed wagons. Thank you. Can we get three mudslides and three Oreo speed wagons? Yeah, just so we can really tell the difference. Thank you.

And five straws. Yeah. Wait, five straws? Just five. Yeah. I want to share a straw. So we have to reuse some straws. Gotcha. Wait, five straws? Just five. Yeah. I want to share a straw. So we have to reuse some straws. Gotcha. Thanks, Julia.

Thank you so much. Thanks. We love you. Hey, big shout out to Julia for getting us those Oreo speed wagons and those mud slides. Am I right, guys? Yeah. Hey, thanks in advance. I'm going to love those.

FYI, TY. I hate thanking in advance, by the way way that's so presumptuous sure you know what i mean thanks in advance for for not being an asshole is usually this is like well no i'm not gonna do it anyway good bit jesse just laid out on that and stared at me thank you i'm a little bit sleepy i'm'm not going to lie to you guys. Sure. I got lost in my own reverie there for a second. What were you thinking about?

I forgot I was supposed to be hosting this program. Honestly, I was thinking about tacos. Yeah. I'm starting to get a little peckish. You're big into tacos. I love tacos. Is that your favorite food? I've heard you talk about them before.

Mexican, I believe, is one of my favorite types of food it's a terrific cuisine they do it right down there south of the border down Mexico way the foods closest to my heart I would say probably would be burritos

but you know in a specific you know in the San Francisco style as a San Franciscan. It's sort of like being a Philadelphian and wanting to have a Philly cheesecake or cheesesteak. Cheesecake. Oh, man, all those people in Philadelphia just going around, oh, I want a cheesecake. Hey, it's me, a blue-collar guy. Hey, I want a blueberry cheesecake.

Hey, how come this cheesecake don't have no peppers on it? cheesecake. Hey, how come this cheesecake don't have no peppers on it? What is it about San Franciscans, by the way, and their insistence that they know burritos better than everyone else? It's just a regional food. I'm not going to get into it. It's a regional, it's just a

thing. You're going to make him go off on one of his famous rants. Oh, no! It's just a thing. And I would say, you know... Why did the lights go down? There's a spotlight on you right now. He's going to he's gonna sweep up the spotlight later i grew up near an italian deli that serves tortellini that has a bottle of red bottle of white i get it mixes on tortellini and my like that's something that i like have my mom bring when she comes to visit like my mom you know when she comes for the holidays she brings a few bags of tortellinis from lucas you

know do they freeze them or do they come? She'll put them in a – they come fresh, but she'll put them on ice in one of those freezer packs. Sounds like a lot you expect your mom to do. My mom doesn't – my mom's a gracious woman. Mommy, I love you. Mom, thanks in advance for bringing me some tortellinis. Thanks in advance for that. But, yeah, for things that are in my day-to-day life, fucking tacos, man.

I would eat tacos four days a week for the rest of my life with absolutely no problem. The difference between a burrito and a taco, very slim though, wouldn't you say? When it comes to like say the difference between a taco and a particle accelerator. Yes. That's certainly true. It's a great point. That's a taco and a particle accelerator. Yes. That's certainly true. It's a great point. That's a really good point, Scott. Scott, you know, I know you already have a TV show, but have you ever thought about pitching

something to Food Network? The difference between different foods? Well, the difference between different foods and the particle accelerator. We're going to examine both of them. The difference between, say, soda bread and eros, the Greek concept of erotic love. Certainly. Not as dissimilar as you might think. It's like a burrito is really just a taco with a top.

Well, Scott, look. I'm not going to get into a whole burrito thing. What can also turn a taco into a burrito? By just wrapping it a little more. I have a lot of strong feelings about burritos. Everybody that listens to this show knows that. Everybody's heard my feelings about burritos. Nobody.

No one cares. No one cares. Zero percent of the population care. One woman named Heather, she writes on Tumblr. She cares. She knows. But besides her, yeah. I'm not going to get it.

A burrito is like a taco wearing a hat. She cares. She knows. But besides her, yeah. I'm not going to get it. A burrito is like a taco wearing a hat. It's like a taco in a winter coat. I love tacos and burritos. Sure. Equally? No. What?

But you say you love burritos, but you would eat tacos four or five times a week. Are you then eating burritos five or six times a week? Yeah, I eat ten times a week. Five or six burritos. That's how you stay so trim. Well, yeah, exactly. Ten times a week. It's actually the same. Seven days.

Not from eating tacos and burritos. I mean, that's some heavy stuff. That's the thing. It's the same diet The Rock was on to bulk up for Hercules. Yeah, and I'm also super ripped. I want to make it clear that I am. No, people have never seen pictures of you before, so we need to describe you. Juiced, greasy.

Anytime I'm at a restaurant and I look at something on the menu and I go, oh, that sounds so good, look around the restaurant and look at the people in the restaurant. They're always usually kind of fat, and you're like, that's why I should not. Yeah, well, food that tastes good is not necessarily good for you. No. What happened is there's certain foods that were really, really hard for cavemen to get hold of, and we can totally get them whenever we want now. Yeah, whatever the fuck we want.

Yeah. Go down to that mammoth place. I made carnitas yesterday. Oh, boy. It was good. How long did they sit and simmer? I cooked them. What I do is I'll cook them in the slow cooker.

Sure. So I took a pork shoulder. I doctored it up a little bit and put a little orange juice in an onion and some garlic. And I put it in the slow cooker on low for seven or eight hours for basically the whole day. How do you have the patience? Oh, my goodness. Well, I wasn't sitting there with the slow cooker, Scott.

I mean, that's the problem. I've seen you cook with the slow cooker. That's the thing is I have my arm around it, and I'm carrying it around. You should just get a fast cooker. Making conversation with it. You should get a standard speed cooker at the bare minimum. Yeah, but a fast one if I can, if I can afford it. Like a convection oven? Certainly, or a fast one if I can, if I can afford it. Like a convection oven?

Certainly, or a microwave. You've done your vocal warm-up, Scott. Wave. Wave. I remember when I was young going to a restaurant called The Claim Jumper. You know what? I've been to The Claim Jumper in Mission Viejo, California. Probably not far.

It may have literally been The Claim Jumper that you went to as a child. That was like our – growing up, that was like our good report card restaurant. Yes. And if – and I'm a bit older than you, I would imagine. But it was one of the first restaurants that I can recall that had bigger portions than normal. Because when I was growing up, every restaurant had sensible portions. Yeah. Yeah.

The Claim Jumper really like – It kick-started. It's a challenge. It like dared restaurant had sensible portions. Yeah. The claim jumper really like – It kickstarted. It's a challenge. It like dared you to eat it. Yeah. And I remember everyone – we would go there with people from my church all the time. People would go, I love the portions here. And they charged more but the portions were bigger.

Right. But that's how they got you. And then it just seems like every single restaurant has now become claim jumper. Yeah. Yeah. Claim jumper setumper. Yeah. Well, yeah. Claim Jumper set the bar. Yeah. And the thing with Claim Jumpers too is like you ordered a steak and just before it, they brought you a whole muffin.

Right. Just like something that has as many calories as a meal. Here's an amuse-bouche. A whole muffin. Yeah, sure. I definitely think that one of the big turning points in me going from child to man was realizing that I didn't have to eat the whole burrito. Sure. Yeah.

That the burrito before me was really about three meals worth of food. So it was okay if I left a stump and ate that the next day. Yeah. Or just throw it away. No. Got to marinate the stump. Got to marinate the stump. Yeah. You don't have to. No. Gotta marinate the stump. Gotta marinate the stump. Yeah, you don't have to eat everything that they put

in front of you. I struggle with it even now. You can hurl it at a dog. Sure, why wouldn't you? You know what? Hurl it at a dog. That nasty dog that lives down the street? Oh, that dog's so nasty. Oh man, I can't wait to save some of this burrito that I can hurl it at a dog. Like your stinky wife.

Like your stinky spider-covered wife. Your stinky cum-slut spider-covered wife. I'm going to hurl a burrito at her. Yeah. It's, you know, let's not talk about food exclusively on this show. No, let's talk about momentous occasions. Should we take some calls? Let's take some calls.

When something momentous happens to you, our listener, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN to share it with us. Here's our first telephone call. Hey, this is Kate in Seattle, and I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I'm feeding my son spaghetti for lunch, and he's 14 months, and he just had a really hard sneeze. And then I noticed there was like this little piece of spaghetti hanging out of his nose. So I tried to brush it away and I, I couldn't get it to move.

So I pulled on it and I pulled and pulled and pulled and it was fucking like six inches long out his nose. It was amazing. Anyways, I love the show. Hope you guys are having fun. Bye. Wow. Thank you for sharing that story with us.

Thank you for singing the outro. From now on, I'm going to be disappointed in anyone who doesn't sing the outro. Yeah, let's try and sing the outro on those calls, guys. And that's my momentous occasion. Thanks, guys. Hang that's my momentous occasion. Thanks, guys. Hanging up the phone. In 1996, I was at a restaurant with my girlfriend at the time. 1996, the year of our Lord?

Yes, it was. Gotcha. AD. Sure. I was at a restaurant with my girlfriend. Scott, can I ask you a quick point of clarification? Where were you in 1996 B.C.? The primordial soup?

I don't believe I was at this particular restaurant then. But I was with my girlfriend and her roommate and her boyfriend. And it was our favorite restaurant to go to. And I had this shrimp pasta that I loved. And the roommate's boyfriend made me laugh so hard that I had a shrimp come out of my nose. A whole shrimp? A giant shrimp come out of my nose. I can still feel it to this day, that awful feeling of having food in your sinuses.

Did it have a tail on it? I believe it was de-brined. Okay. Wow. De-brined or brined? Don't know. What do you call it when they clean the poop out? I think that's de-brining.

Okay. But yeah. So you didn't have it. De-veining. De-veining. There you go. That is the most awful feeling, though, to have food in your sinuses. It's so uncomfortable.

The real question is, you're in a nice restaurant having a shrimp pasta. Once the shrimp has come through your nose, what do you do with it? Where do you put it? Well, it's been in there. So it's not like it's been in a place that's dirty or anything like that, that it's not edible. So you just circled it back. You gave it another shot at starting. I mean, Jesse, you eat your own boogers, right?

If you eat your own boogers, you might as well eat your own no shrimp. Point taken, Jordan. Point taken. So I feel for that. Just throw it in the quick cooker. Yeah, there you go. In the slow cooker. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sit there for eight hours. You got to cook those. Some citrus. You got to cook those no shrimp low and slow. Yep. Low and slow. So, no, ma'am, I feel for your baby. I think that is a momentous occasion.

I think that was great. It was terrific. I do think what's nice about that is that that's a momentous occasion, but it would also qualify for a fail on One Bad Mother. Sure. Or a genius. Or an overheard. Yeah, could be an overheard. Could straddle all sorts of podcasts.

This is an over-baby scene. Yeah. Scott, could this be a segment on Comedy Bang Bang somehow? Have like Bobby Moynihan did it. Definitely. Maybe he could play the spaghetti. Hey, put me back in the nose. I don't know.

I'm not him. Hey, no. And there's no bad ideas. If Andy Daly came to you and pitched, I'm a baby that has spaghetti stuck in his nose, don't tell me you're going to say no. You know, in the show, I usually say yes to anything anyone wants to do. If Paul F. Tompkins stops by and he says, I've got some spaghetti coming out of my nose and I'd love to make light of it. Certainly.

I know in our second episode, Amy Poehler came to us and there was a long white Jesus wig that was being used in a sketch that was in the makeup area. And she came to me and said, hey, can I wear this during the interview? And everyone looked at me like, oh no, we can't let her do that. Yeah, sure. And she did and it was funny. You're very graceful on the set of the program. You were kind enough to invite me on your show recently.

Yes, you appear in the fourth season. I'm very much looking forward to watching it on television as i do all of the comedy bang bang television we may show it in a movie theater depending on how it comes out fingers crossed um and uh i was impressed i was impressed at the uh elegance with which uh you handled uh comedy legend bob ein Einstein's suggestions for the show. You incorporated them into the narrative that had been written ahead of time very ably and smoothly. I think if – one of the things that happens on the show is that we have great, wonderful people on. And if they have ideas, then it makes sense to to try to incorporate them

um i that particular scene you're talking about um was written very funny but he had different ideas for it in a in a different direction that he wanted to take it in which was also very funny so i after after we shot it i was sort of like well r.i.p those good jokes but but we can use them somewhere else i I'm sure. Yeah, but just put them in on a different character. Yeah, exactly. That's the way jokes work, Jordan. I don't know if you know anything about comedy at all.

I don't really. I'm more of a tragedy man. Really? So you guys want to talk about Oedipus later. Oh, this guy's smart. I like it. Sorry, I'm more into tragedies. Go ahead and lash me to that mast.

I'll hear your story. I don't really like narratives that end in a wedding. Sorry. One of the great things about jokes is they're always applicable. So you can take them out of one context, drop them comfortably into another context. Certainly. Who knows, maybe the next week you'll have a new storyline about an elderly comedy writer who's come to Comedy Bang Bang. We don't need to give away every part of the show.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Season four. Watch it. Didn't you sign the NDA? Always on.

Always on. Slightly off. And if any Letterman writers are listening right now, please don't do the bit that you just wrote in your head about the elderly comedy writer coming to Comedy Bang Bang. Let's hear another call. Hey, JJ Goh. This is Scott in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Moment of occasion. Last night, I went on a first date with a girl.

And before we even met met she hit my car i was pulling out of a parking spot she didn't see me and she hit it causing um an untold amount of damage and quite frankly a lot of emotional trauma uh which is why I didn't call immediately after. I was traumatized and, quite frankly, a bit whiplashed. Yeah, so the date did not go well after that. It was terrible and awkward. Love the show. Keep it up. Bye. Emotional trauma?

I can't help but notice he didn't sing his outro. Yeah. We distinctly said to sing the outro. I know. Was he not listening? I guess he doesn't listen to Jordan as they go. Yeah, Yeah. We distinctly said to sing the outro. I know. Was he not listening? Yeah. I guess he doesn't listen to Jordan

as they go. Yeah. Well, I guess, yeah, I guess he doesn't. I guess he hasn't heard this episode yet. I guess he's not a, he's not a member

of the circular time stream. What? Where all time exists always. So, from what I can gather from that story, because he's not

telling us every bit of information. Well, some stuff has to be untold sure yeah and including the amount of damage apparently well specifically let's leave that out but emotional trauma from hitting the car he must love his car yeah a lot maybe it's his it's his you know roadster he's been working on what i I want to know is if he hadn't met her yet. So he showed, I guess what happened is- How's he backing out?

He showed up at the claim jumper, parked his car, then changed his mind about which parking spot to be. And he's backing out. That's the part I can't understand. Did she come over to his house and he's backing out of his car to get like a better parking space at his place. It's a very confusing story. Why is he backing out of some place while she's arriving? Jordan?

Guys, I think this is the next season of Serial. Yes, we're rich. Let's go to that parking lot ourselves, do some test backouts and see if this accident could have happened the way he said it did. We're going to have to add an element of sort of racial cultural tension. Sure. Do you think that maybe we'll-

She's Asian and a bad driver. Yeah, that should help make it tense. Great, yeah. There you go, boom. Racial tension created. Uh-huh. Okay. So he's backing out, but then why does it have to ruin the date?

Yeah. I mean, this is basically the greatest meet cute of all time. Yeah. I mean, how did you and mom meet? Funny story. And he's got a reason to keep calling her. Yeah, right. To get her insurance information.

All right. Funny. Funny story. She caused untold damage to my car. Untold. By the way, kids, I will not tell you how much damage there was. Maybe I can get your insurance information and then we can go on a hike and maybe for coffee. Yeah.

Boom. Second date. And he could prove how cool of a guy he was by going, no, no, no. There are accidents. It's okay. Let's still go on this date. Like, hey, it's just a car. I mean, that's the ultimate time to look like a chill dude.

Yeah, exactly. Women love chill dudes, guys. Yeah. I don't know. So what was his name? It was Steve. Sure. It might have been Scott.

Might have been Scott. Yeah. From Cape Cod. Yeah. Well, there's another part of it, Cape Cod. Yeah. They're probably. Might have been Scott. Yeah. From Cape Cod. Yeah. Well, there's another part of it, Cape Cod. Yeah. They're probably going for a lobster roll. Yeah.

So you have that. They're all jacked up on lobster rolls. That's why they're getting in car accidents. It's kind of a confusing story, but I got to say I'm on her side about it. Me too. If I were on a date and a guy, I accidentally, she's got to feel terrible. She's already nervous about a date. It sounds like a blind date because they hadn't met yet.

Right. Some sort of cyber dating thing. I hope she wasn't cyber bullied into the cyber date. I hope not. That would be awful. It gets better, everybody. She's already nervous. She's not a cyborg.

Oh, boy. Exterminate. Cause untold damage. Do you have brothers and sisters? Are you listening to Serial? This is what we talk about on dates. This could have been such a great story for the grandchildren. I know.

About how nervous she was, but then he was so charming and said everything was okay. Like, hey, you know, he just came off like a guy who, you know, was not that materialistic and took life as it came. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You blew it, dude. All this asshole cares about is his Geo Metro convertible. Yeah.

Sorry you souped it up there, Scotty. That said, he is a big fan of your show, and he's the one calling, not her. Yeah. So, you know what? Fuck her. Yeah. You know what? Scott, I'm on your side now.

Fuck her. I don't know. He didn't sing. I wonder if he was even being sincere when he said he was a big fan of our show, given that he's not even caught up enough to know that you're supposed to sing your outro. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, listen. This young man needs to reevaluate his priorities. Yeah. Enter the circular time stream where all time exists always. Get himself a new Geo Metro LSI. Get yourself a new Geo Metro. Get into that interstellar library scene.

Sure. Haven't seen it, but I'm sure that's a great scene where the bounds of time are bent. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's it. And then if you fucking – if God delivers a beautiful meet cute right on your hot, horny lap. Fucking take it. Oh, my lap is so hot and horny.

Oh, I wish the Lord would help me meet cute. I need a pitcher of ice water over here. Sploosh. I mean, how many times have you been, when you were not with someone, driving around hoping some cute girl rams into you? Yeah, causing neck damage, ruining my scion. Yeah. I know. I don't know.

Hey, if I could talk to the ladies out there. Hey, you know what? Go ahead. Guys, I'm gonna. Can I give you a little preamble here? Please. Ladies. Oh, I thought you meant to the Constitution.

We the people. In order to form a more perfect union ladies ladies ladies do you have love in your life are you making love choices what have you rammed into lately take a listen to my friend, Jordan Morris. Hey, ladies. If you're driving around in the Hollywood area this week, you'll know me by my gray scion with lots of body damage. One more isn't going to hurt. So if you see me

scooting around out there, just fucking T-bone me. I'm wearing my seatbelt. There's airbags. I'm going to I'm gonna go whatever babe let's grab a cold breast juice see where this goes you say breast juice I said let's drink some breast juice that's what I call breast milk I'm a weird pervert and let's see where this goes let's see where it goes do we have do we have another call Julia that's it that's it If you want to call us, 206-984-4FUN, jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Of course, you can find the address on the website if you want to send us some of your breast juice. Ladies, milk those breasts.

That's those sweet juices. We're going to blend it with a little kale, some apples. Put it in the slow cooker. Then in the fast cooker. Yum, yum. We love your fresh juice. So both ways. Cook it at two varying speeds.

Put it in the fast cooker to brown the edges. Certainly. It's dual speed cooking, Jesse. We'll be back in just a second. Do you want to put in the sous vide at all? Certainly. Yeah, why not? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. And Scott, the guy who's here with these guys. That's not the same nickname as last time. Oh, well, I was trying to remember. Scott Aukerman, the guy who's in the box with these guys. I think it's still different. You should write it down next time for continuity.

I'm so sorry. Do we have our script supervisor here? Oh, no. He died. He died in the middle of the taping. Hey, if you're out there, just get at Scott on Twitter. I hope you are, by the way. Yeah.

Look, I hope you're not in here. No, that would be weird. And you're probably invisible, like the Predator. Oh, boy. We're in trouble. Do you think they might like the Predator. Oh, boy. We're in trouble. Do you think they might be a Predator? God, I hope so. I hope Predators listen to this show.

That'd be so fucking awesome. Do you think Predators liked our show? There's some Predators, some Highlanders. Predators, Highlanders, Xenomorphs. Milfs. Pinheads. Yes, Milfs. Yeah.

Predators, Highlanders, Xenomorphs, and Milfs. Do you think that's the Predator's defining characteristic, the fact that he's invisible? I mean, and he's an intergalactic trophy hunter. I would say that would be the number one thing. Yeah. If I were describing a Predator. So would you- The cloaking device is just kind of a secondary characteristic.

And that's something that one uses while predating. Jordan, if you were doing a second draft of that conversation we just had, are you saying that maybe what you would say is, if you're in here, that would be weird, like if you're an intergalactic trophy hunter. Certainly. Who is using his invisibility in order to hunt us. Which is one of his many tools that he uses to hunt his game. He's no one-trick pony, this Predator. What has he got? Shoulder cannon, retractable spear, razor frisbee.

These are some Predator weapons. Listen. Jesse, do you want to hear some more Predator weapons? Handclaw. Can I hear a few MILF weapons? Oh, yeah. Giant jugs. Saggy yeah, giant jugs. Saggy, saggy jugs.

Pool boy blowjobs. Manicures. And finally pedicures. Regular use of the bank bus. Sure. Scott Ackerman. Yeah, I'm on. This is my new character, by the way. I thought I'd trot it out at the very end of the show. Cool Jamaican dude.

Is that why you had those cornrows? Yeah, that's why I should. Yeah. I expected you to ask me about them. I would have done it earlier. Well, I figured people would hear the clanking of the beads. Sure. You know what I mean?

Like wind chimes. You shook your head left and right 1984 Stevie Wonder style. Anyway, we jamming. Hotter than July in here. So Scott is the host of Comedy Bang Bang. You can check out the podcast. The Earwolf Network. You can check out the television program on IFC.

Always on, slightly off. It's a delightful show. If you don't have IFC on your cable package, I say just go ahead and get it. Sure. That's the top remedy, I would say. People say they don't have IFC. By the way, people are constantly writing to me saying, how do I watch your show? I say, I watch it on TV.

They go, but I don't have IFC. I go, get IFC. They go, but I don't have cable.. I go, get IFC. They go, but I don't have cable. At a certain point, how can I help you? You have to do some of this work for me. I can't. It finally gets down to, I go, well, go to iTunes and buy it. They go, well, I don't want to pay for it.

At a certain point, how are you going to watch television shows? They're asking me to provide them. Do you want me to send you the mega upload link? Yeah, the Vimeo that we use when we edit it. I mean, I don't know. I have to say I've enjoyed watching it on Netflix. Certainly. Two seasons are on Netflix currently.

And in January, I believe, the first half of the third season will be debuting. And season four is on the way. I've heard about some pretty big guest stars on season four. Who have you heard about? Bob Einstein. Which we're not supposed to necessarily reveal at this point, but yeah.

And of course that nice gentleman who was in that scene with me who was on all that. Mark Saul. He was on all that. Oh yes, yes, yes. He was on all that on all that nice guy he was and what a lovely job he did and i'll tell you what i'll tell you this about our friend mark um sent me a nice thank you letter which uh i'm still waiting for yours but in any case an email not the same okay he sent an email saying what's your address because i want to send you a hard copy that's's fair. That's fair. A VHS copy of an episode of Hard Copy.

Yeah, it was very bizarre. I gotta tell you, I got in that green room. Mark and I shared a green room. It's great. We're old friends. Sure. And I said to Mark, you know, Mark, I host a TV show for a little while, but I've never acted on camera before. Is there

anything I should know? Like, what's a mark and how do you hit it? He said, I'm Mark. He said, yes. You socked him right in his gut. I just hit my mark. Actually, that... I'm a sniper, baby. Yeah, that's right.

That comic line was well-mined in this conversation. Certainly. But he told me the things I needed to think about and do. He was super nice about it and super helpful. So, thank you, Mark. You know, I did not realize you've never acted on camera. You were very comfortable. You said your lines well.

Thank you very much. You adapted them into how you would say them. Look, Scott, four years of theater school. Without permission, but go ahead. I didn't change any. I said the lines as written. You said it a little different, but I was actually like. There was some weird punctuation.

Do you like Christopher Walken blackout all punctuation, including periods? Yeah, I memorize it in one long block. Meisner technique, what can I say? I get it. Mark and I actually were playing the repeating game back and forth with each other in the green room.

He was a nice kid. I met him once at an event that I sang a song with Casey Wilson at. And he was singing a different song. I can't recall what song. Was he singing We Got Trouble Right Here in River City? I think he was singing that. God, that sounds fun. And then told me a little bit about his background. I said, well, I'll get you on the show sometime. And then I have a list of people who I want to get on the show eventually that you guys are both on. And anytime something in casting comes up, I look at the list and I say, oh, OK, this person for that, this person for that. It takes a while, certainly. We're in our fourth season.

I'm trying to get everyone I know on. I was very, very grateful to be pulled off that list i thank you very much and i'm looking forward to us putting on some sort of event where i get to sing there's trouble in river city because that is my idea of the literal most fun thing you can do in show business yeah i that would be a great role to play god i would love to do that oh i would love to do that i feel like I'm finally old enough to do it. I have no interest in being a theater actor. After four years of theater school convinced me that I was disinterested in being in theater. Except that I would fucking love to be in The Music Man.

You'd tear it up. That is a fucking dream to me. Meredith Wilson's classic right now if somebody said i'm doing a production of the music man in glendale at the at the glendale musical players would you be interested in portraying the lead in this musical i would say yes how many performances and how long would you have to sign the contract for I would say yes. How many performances and how long would you have to sign the contract for? Because a typical Broadway contract is 13 months.

Ooh, yeah. Eight shows a week. It would probably be like sort of like the kind of thing like Emma Stone in Cabaret, eight weeks only. Yeah, you'd have the special guest star thing, a limited run. By the way, eight weeks is a little long for doing theater. I found when I was doing theater that around show 27, I was bored of doing the same thing. I recently read John Cleese's book, which is about all of the things he did until he did Monty Python. The people were clamoring for it.

It's actually a really charming, really fun, really fascinating book. And he was on Broadway. His first professional acting was on Broadway. Really? They say the neon lights are bright there. Exactly. And he is of the opinion that it doesn't get fun until it is so second nature to you that you completely lose your inhibitions and your sense of self

and basically just You turn into a husk, an acting husk. And feel like you can freely goof around because you have such full control over all of this stuff that you're actually required to do. When I was in theater, it was a, I definitely lost interest after a while, but then

I found that when I was the lead of a show, I did Oklahoma and I was Curly in it, I had more interest because I was talking more. Sure. You had to say more stuff. I was saying more things. But then I started to realize, well, what I hate about doing theater is the changing clothes. I still hate that. I still hate it about comedy bang bang that is the one thing and the the people in the wardrobe department i apologize but that is

the thing that i cannot stand most about acting is constantly changing clothes i much like letterman i think he hates the makeup uh i don't mind the makeup all that much it's the changing clothes constantly and when they put me in the wrong clothes, it drives me fucking insane. When I'll get my costume on and then I'll go downstairs and we're about to shoot and they go, oh, we put you in the wrong thing. And then I have to take everything off and then put something else on. I don't know what it is about changing clothes, but ever since I was in theater, I hated it so much that that i i like doing theater but i was like you know what i would i i like it better when i it's just the the attention is on me and i wish i could wear my own clothes i mean which is what stand-up turned out professor what's

this what's the guy from whence is lost professor harold hill yeah harold hill yeah so professor harold hill he just wears the one stripy suit, right? Probably, although does he have to change suits all the time? I don't think so. I think he just wears that. He just wears the one thing? I think that's just his look. Back in a time when there was a lot of shit rolling through the air, you had to wash behind your ears. You could wear one piece of clothing over and over.

There was a lot of controversy around the difference between different styles of horse racing, whether or not they sat down right on the horse. Sure. These were the concerns. Of an older generation. A now past time. Yeah. Anyway, moral of the story, watch fucking Scott Ackerman's television program. Listen to his podcast.

They're both absolutely delightful. Thank you. We're very grateful to have Scott Ackerman here as a guest of ours. As we always are, lo these many years, Scott has been kind enough to grace us with his presence. Thank you for having me back. I always enjoy being around you guys. Jordan, were you raising your hand because you had something important to say? I was – Scott made a gesture to the room.

As a thank you gesture, I placed my palms up and I gesticulated towards you guys. It's like thanking an ape. Certainly. It's the posture you have to adopt when thanking apes. Yes. And he sort of gave a I as well gesture. That was what I was doing. In return.

Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little. Talk a little. Peep, peep, peep. Take a little more. There were birds in the sky, but I never heard them singing. No, I never heard them at all. Not at all. Till there was you. I'm a guy selling band instruments.

I think that's the plot. Right? Julia Smith this week on the boards filling in for Brian whose car broke down. I just want to say before we go, I guess we're just going to have to let Brian laugh because people got – we've had literally hundreds of people closed issue closed issue it's gonna happen as it like it happens it'll just fucking deal with it

just will be what it is okay issue over okay thanks everybody we love you our theme music love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records we'll talk to you next week on Jordan Jessica.