Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 354: Nut Shake with Tess Rafferty

Episode Date: December 8, 2014

Writer Tess Rafferty joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jurassic World, chain restaurants, and Jordan's trip to see the Cabazon Dinosaurs.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Celebrating the holiday season. Mm-hmm. Do you want to, hey, on that note, do you want to hear a fun Thanksgiving fact that I learned at this year's dinner? I would love to hear a fun Thanksgiving fact.

Okay. I was actually just driving here. I was thinking, God, what do I want to get out of this week's show? What should my take home be? Laughs, insight, nah. I'm not sure. Look, 250-some episodes of this show demonstrate I'm not interested in laughs or insight. No. Little facts.

Yeah, I think we should start taking on stuff you should know, right? Yeah. Suck it, Josh and Chuck. Yeah. We're coming after you. Chuck especially. Yeah. Who's the one I've met.

Yeah. Quit being such pleasant, nice men. Yeah. We're coming for you with little factoids. You ready? Can I tell you a fact about factoids that I learned recently from my friend Roman Mars? Sure. Speaking of people who are more successful at podcasting than us.

Right. Factoid means something that is not a fact, but fact-like. Oh, I thought it was a fact about the noid. That's a fact but fact-like. Oh. I thought it was a fact about the Noid. That's a factoid. Oh, okay. I've been using that all wrong then. Noid fact.

Yeah. He loves pizza. Sure. Is that what he did? What did he do? Did he steal pizzas? He stole pizza, yeah, and had a Nintendo game. Okay.

Avoid the Noid. Yeah. Are we still required to avoid him well i mean if you sure like let's say i think the noids had a hard time so i think if you see the or a noid right you should probably just say hey thanks for all the laughs over the years not like if you recognize him at a party across the room and he looks up at you and he's like it seems like you reckon you shouldn't just be like, and then go get a drink.

Yeah, I would not avoid him. I mean, I think, you know, let's be charitable, especially in this holiday time. Right. It's the holiday season, Jordan. Thank your local Noid for all the joy he's given you. You ready for a Thanksgiving fact? Thanksgiving facts with Jordan Morris. Thanksgiving fact?

Thanksgiving facts with Jordan Morris. Apparently, the tryptophan in Turkey makes you sleepy, which is weird because this whole time, I've always thought it made you horny. It's sleepy. Right. It's sleepy. Right. It's just getting together with family that makes you horny. Exactly.

Yeah. And, you know, offering thanks to the Lord. Right. It's just getting together with family that makes you horny. Exactly, yeah. And, you know, offering thanks to the Lord. Sure. That's what's doing it. I think specifically, I take one look at a cornucopia filled with a bountiful harvest, and I am diamond hard. hard. Uh-huh. That is there's nothing that sexually excites me more than the way the fruits and vegetables

spill out. Spilling out, yeah. Spill out of that horn of plenty! Well, and there's, you know, there's an opening. Right. And there's a protrusion. Sure. Depending on what you're into. Maybe both. Well, it depends if you got two cornucopias. If you got two cornucopias, you know what to do.

What I'm saying is that you could fuck it or get fucked by it. Right. Or, if you got two cornucopias, you know what to do. What I'm saying is that you could fuck it or get fucked by it. Right. Or if you had two cornucopias, you know what to do. Fuck it and get fucked by it. There you go. Your human centipede. A real human centipede of gratitude. Well, let's introduce our guest.

I'd love to. Yeah. She is a celebrated comedy writer, now a memoirist. Memoirista? That's a Spanish memoirist. Oh, okay. Now a memoirist. She's a writer just as you are, Jordan, on the television program At Midnight.

Sure. Tess Rafferty. Hi, Tess. Hey. Thank you very much. And thank you for putting the image of fucking a turkey neck in my head. Can I say fuck? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I wasn't sure if you guys had said it enough. Say it a couple more times, Tess. As you can hear from the first 10 or 15 minutes of the show, we try and keep it clean. You know, the great thing about the turkey neck is that it comes already detached. So you can, you know, just use it as your own dildo. It's already frozen. Do as you will.

Yeah. Just, you know, put it on the end of a drill bit. Have you guys ever gotten lucky with a wishbone? No, uh-uh. You mean like have I ever wished on something and it's come true or just, you know? No, fuck the wishbone. I can't imagine how that would be pleasurable for any of us. I mean, you could kind of use it as nipple clamps, I suppose, but you're not really going to stick your dick in it.

You're more of a nipple poker. Yeah. I've gotten lucky with guys who are hung like a wishbone. I'm not talking about size and width. I'm talking about having two. Yeah. Can I tell you guys something really cool I saw on the way to the office today? Yeah, please do.

So there is this church on the road. Well, there's two churches on the road between the freeway and our office here. One of them is the church that takes place every Saturday afternoon in the park. Okay. Is that the van with all the Godspell clothing spilling out of it? That one is a food pantry. Okay. Yeah.

Lovely vintage costumes. Yeah, there's a lot going on in the park right now. Okay. But there is also like a storefront church, only I guess maybe it's a storefront temple. It is for, I think, Latino Jews. Okay. Is that a thing?

I did not know it was. I know that there are definitely some Latino Jews for Jesus because there were Jews for Jesus in my neighborhood when I was a kid. And they were a mixed bag of races, but substantially Latino. No, I think they're, like, I remember being in the airport right after 9-11 where, like, you were suspicious of everything. You know, just like, that doesn't seem right.

That suitcase has wheels. Yeah, exactly. It was that suitcase sitting there for more than two seconds. And I remember Guy, a very tall Latino-looking man with a yarmulke on speaking Spanish into a cell phone. And I was like,

this is surely a sleeper cell. This seems incorrect. Yeah. Something is surely wrong with this. So what was going on was, so it's storefront church, you know, the kind where you, it would be an open-fronted store.

So you roll up a steel gate and then it's just open pretty much. And so inside, you know, it's like – what do you call that when you have coffee after church or temple? Coffee clutch? Coffee and donuts? Like coffee service. You know, everybody brings in different stuff and you hang out. There's a thing after church, right? Yeah.

I'm not making this up. Post-worship kicking it. Yeah. So that kind of thing is going on. And there's like an eight-year-old kid looking upon this man with this face of extraordinary awe, and it was well-earned because this man was a Latino guy, like maybe 6'4", wearing a yarmulke, and doing karate moves with a poster tube.

Like spinning it around and doing fight moves. Yeah. It was fucking great yeah four stars to that dude right there seems like the very definition of multicultural i know that's the melting pot our founding fathers had in mind this guy was full-on leonardo from the teenage mutant ninja turtles with the poster tube with this with the was he doing it for the benefit of the child or was the was the child just overseeing it? Donatello has the bo staff.

Donatello has the bo staff? Yeah. Oh, Leonardo has swords. Swords. I apologize, everyone. Yeah. And physics. First of all, I apologize to everyone in the audience and I thank you, Jordan.

Hey, no problem. For saving me the time to try and decide what to do with the 10,000 emails and tweets I would have gotten. Although I'm sure between the time I corrected you and the time you made the mistake, you already got those 10,000. People live complain about this show, Tess. Oh, really? Is this going on live? As they listen to it. Oh, OK.

Got it. Got it. The challenge about time-shifted media is there's no way to say I stand corrected publicly enough to prevent the flood of corrections. So I will, I get corrections from shows from four months ago that I don't even remember the subject matter. Like they could just like, they could say to me, you said that it was Ulysses S. Grant who freed the slaves. It was actually Abraham Lincoln who freed the slaves with the Emancipation Proclamation. And I would just have to accept it because I don't remember talking about the Emancipation Proclamation or freeing the slaves on Jordan, Jesse Go, but I guess it happened and I guess

I was wrong. Tess, I would just say, just watch yourself when you're talking about nerd shit. Oh, but I don't. Which I know you love doing. Yes, yes. It's like your favorite topic. You know, I love doing nothing more on a Saturday afternoon than drying out my vagina by talking about like weird factoids. Sure.

To use that word again. Yeah. About nerd shit. No, I mean, I think nerd shit's cool. I just don't profess to be an expert in it. Tess has never seen Jurassic Park. Is that a nerd thing? Oh, totally.

I think so, right? Is it? Oh, yeah. seen Jurassic Park. Is that a nerd thing? Oh, totally. I think so, right? Is it? Oh, yeah. Is that kind of like entry-level nerd stuff? Isn't that like one of the most popular movies ever? I think what the legacy of Jurassic Park is that it was, you know, it's a blockbuster that has lived on in the hearts of nerds. I think there's your

blockbusters that kind of come and go. Twister. Yeah. Your twisters. Exactly. It's not a twister. This is a beloved IP thanks to nerds and climate change deniers who love the work of Michael Crichton. Speaking of unusual cultural crossovers. Yes.

I saw Jurassic Park the week I was a big, it probably came out when I was 12, 13, something like that. A big Michael Crichton fan. Sure. Of course, as you know, I am a climate change it probably came out when I was 12, 13, something like that. I was a big Michael Crichton fan. Sure. Of course, as you know, I am a climate change denier. Right. The science just doesn't stack up. You know, we haven't agreed upon it.

Yeah, it's just a trick to get us all to buy Priuses. So I went to see it on Mission Street in San Francisco in a Spanish-language movie theater to like outwit so that I wouldn't have to wait in line or like have. This was I mean, when Jurassic Park is around the time when movies selling out was new, like that, you couldn't just go to any. I think I definitely remember. I remember like having to sit down and create a game plan with my family so we could go see Home Alone 2. Yeah. Home Alone 2 was the other one. You're like, fuck.

We probably won't get in to see it this weekend. Yeah. We're going to have to wait two weeks to see Home Alone 2. I went to West Portal with my best friend Jodie Scott's mom, Pauline, to see Home Alone 2 and it was sold out. We didn't get to see it. I'm sorry. You know where the term blockbuster comes from originally, right? Yeah, the video store.

It's from lines that were around the block to get into movies. Oh, and then the block would literally break. Yeah, it actually cracked under the pressure. Yeah, and people who deny physics. That's a fun factoid for all the folks out there. So I saw Jurassic Park in the most decrepit, the weekend it came out, but in the most decrepit movie theater

you can possibly imagine. Sure. I saw it with Spanish subtitles and I saw it in a theater where remember like the like the like surround sound and stuff about that was like a big thing about Jurassic Park when it came out. That it was like this auditory in addition to a visual experience.

They replicated that by basically having like two home stereo floor speakers, like two like 1972 Techniques speakers on either – one on either side of the screen. And then they just turned it all the way up. And so it was as though someone was yelling the movie in your face the entire time. Like it shook the seats, but there was no subwoofer. Sure. It was a great experience. Sounds kind of magical.

Sounds like you still enjoyed it. Yeah, I did. I liked Jurassic Park. It was a fun movie. I've not seen it since, though. I watched a trailer for a new Jurassic Park movie. Yeah, big weekend for trailers. We had a new Jurassic Park trailer and the new Jurassic Park movie. Yeah, big weekend for trailers. We had a new Jurassic Park trailer

and the new Star Wars trailer, and I had to have a conversation with myself after watching the two, and I decided that I was way more excited about Jurassic Park. Really? I learned something about myself. Even though the dinosaurs still look all oily? The dinosaurs do look pretty oily. I will say that it looked super CGI.

Yeah. Whereas I think the cool part about Jurassic Park 1 is that they are mostly at night, and you I think the cool part about Jurassic Park 1 is that they are mostly at night and you only see the dinosaurs for like two or three seconds at a time. There's like basically no dinosaurs in that first one.

Well, that's the Jaws thing. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The phenomenon with Jaws is the less you see of something, kind of the cooler it looks. Yeah, so I think that's why that was such an impactful movie or part of why it's so impactful.

But yeah, I think... How many Jurassic Parks are there so far? There are three. This will be the fourth. One of them starred Bill Macy? Yeah, Bill Macy is in the very weird bad third one that I hear they shot without a script.

Like they were writing it as they were shooting it. Wow. And also I guess a lot of it is improvised. I mean, if you're going to bring in somebody to do that... Get Bill Macy. Get Bill Macy in there. Get someone from Steppenwolf, right. Taylor Leone.

This is a guy who, if he can memorize mammoth dialogue, he can memorize the dialogue that was handed to him 30 seconds before he went on screen. Sure. While running from a Spinosaurus. But what's his face from Parks and Recreation is the star of the new Jurassic Park movie, it seemed like. Is he really the star of it or are they showing him as the star of it because he was the star of the new Jurassic Park movie, it seemed like. Is he really the star of it, or are they showing him as the star of it because he was the star of that other movie and it was so successful? Who's what's-his-face from Parks and Rec? Chris Pratt.

Which what's-his-face are we talking about? Chris Pratt. Yeah, okay. I didn't see the Jurassic – having not seen Jurassic Park 1, I didn't want to spoil anything by seeing the trailer for Jurassic Park 4. It would be great if Jurassic Park 4 just starred Aziz Ansari and Nick Offerman. Yeah, it would take place in the Parks and Rec universe. You guys are experts with parks.

You know what? Nick Offerman would fit pretty well into the Jurassic Park universe now that I think about it. Sure. He can say – He's the old settler. Yeah. He could say, hold on to your butts about it. Sure. He can say... Sure, he's the old settler. Yeah. He can say, hold on to your butts.

Yeah. Okay, so is Chris Pratt the star of the new Jurassic Park movie? Don't know. Remains to be seen. But yeah, I think you are right. They could be they could be pratting up the trailer

because of Guardians of the Galaxy. So you didn't... You... Okay, so I watched both of the trailers for both of these movies. This is unusual that I would have seen anything

having to do with contemporary popular culture. But I did watch both of these trailers for the movie and I had the opposite reaction. More excited for Star Wars. I will say I was not excited at all about either one going in. Sure. Jurassic Park, I was like, why do the dinosaurs still look so shitty? It's 2014. The other one was 20 years ago. I feel like they were better. I mean, granted, I was like, why do the dinosaurs still look so shitty? It's 2014. The other one was 20 years ago.

I feel like they were better. I mean, granted, I was 12. But they look like it might as well be watching The Mummy. Sure. Okay. So that's how I felt about Jurassic Park. But about Star Wars, I thought, huh, that looks pretty cool. Nothing happened, though.

Get a look at that black guy. They teased nothing. That was a black though. Get a look at that black guy. That was a black guy. Get a look at that black guy. That was exciting. I don't know. Sure. Was there even a black guy besides Billy Dee Williams in the entire Star Wars universe before? You're right.

Didn't you feel like, though, that that was, like, done on purpose? Like, don't you feel like somewhere along the line it was – I think they do everything on purpose. Yeah, but like somewhere along the line was like it was a very misguided attempt to be like more – somehow like more multicultural. Yeah. I've taken that criticism over the years. I think at this point in the promotional phase for these movies, it's not about getting in the teens who are just going to a movie on the weekend. It's about psyching up the nerds.

And I think that nerds these days are psyched up by progressiveness, which is good. Good job, nerds. Way to be psyched up by that. That's noble, nerds. They're psyched up about progressiveness, and they're psyched up about ethics in video game journals. Sure, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

Not those nerds. These aren't the nerds I'm talking about. Which might be anti-progressive. They're very complex. Jesse, I said nerds, not toilet humans. Gotcha. Not humans that live in a toilet. Thank you. So yeah, I'm talking about your garden variety, nice Comic-Con nerd.

So they're stoked to see a black... I was like, hey, look at that Star Wars black guy. Sure. That was sort of my reaction. And then I like, hey, look at that Star Wars black guy. Sure. That was sort of my reaction. And then I thought, hey, these spaceships look pretty neat. Yeah. And, you know, they got a Star Wars lady in there. Yeah. Not a – barely a close-up of a white guy in the whole thing.

You know what? I'll tell you – It's barely a close-up of any people, though. It's just ships. And I guess that's – I mean, like, look, I get that it hits the buttons for a certain segment of the population. Sure. And that's really cool. And other people are going to see it on opening weekend and not like five years from now like I will but

it's sort of like I don't know as a kid I loved you know I loved Leia and I loved Han Solo and I loved like the kissing yeah kissing but also just the the personalities involved sure you know and don't you feel like you know a lot of these movies are sort of lacking a personality and it's like I don't – just there's no story. I kind of want to see – Jurassic Park did offer the promise of Chris Pratt. Sure. And he brings a lot of personality to the table.

He's got a certain verve. Yeah. God damn it. I want to see Han Solo or I want to see batshit Carrie Fisher doing something in that trailer. Millennium Falcon is not enough for me. Again, I'm not the typical viewer. Is Han Solo in Star Wars 12 or whatever this new one is? No, sure, yeah. The whole gang's

back. Really? Yeah. Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford's earring. What about Carrie Fisher? I think Carrie Fisher is back, yes. Number one, I want to say, Carrie Fisher was on Bullseye and maybe three or four years ago. Carrie Fisher is delightful.

Carrie Fisher is a pile of fun. Oh, totally. She is a super cool lady. However, what is she doing in this movie? I think that they are. What is her job in this movie? Also, have you seen Harrison Ford be a human being in 2014? Yeah. What is he doing in this movie i think that they are job in this movie also have you seen harrison ford be a human being in 2014 yeah what is he doing in this yeah he always seems stoned and confused which i think

he probably is i think he probably is stoned and confused i think i think there's just such a you know so so much a part of this was like hey guys sorry about those other ones is ali mcbeal in this movie why would iBeal be in the movie? She's married to Harrison Ford, isn't she? I didn't know that. Sure. They do something together. I don't know if they're technically married, but yeah.

Oh, they do something together. They have some sort of arrangement. Yeah, maybe they're like a Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn type thing. Common law. Yeah. I just at least wanted to see some evidence of Han Solo being in the movie. Sure. Like the Millennium Falcon being driven through a farmer's market or something.

Like some sort of – Because he's too old. Yeah. Because he's an old guy. See? Thanks for explaining that. I'm sure I'll hear something about that comment in your – as people live tweet this. Oh, yeah.

You'll get that. He also doesn't like people who spend too much money for produce. That's true. He's value-oriented. Always, yeah. You'll get that. He also doesn't like people who spend too much money for produce. That's true. He's value-oriented. Always has been. How are you not spending too much money at a farmer's market, though? Because everything's got that... I went to... When I was

a kid, I was just thinking about this because I went to the farmer's market to buy some... I took my son to the farmer's market on Wednesday or Saturday. I don't even remember. This passed like a week ago. We went to Atwater Village here in Los Angeles. Went to the farmer's market on Wednesday or Saturday. I don't even remember. This passed like a week ago. We went to Atwater Village here in Los Angeles. Went to the farmer's market.

It was perfectly nice. I bought some $8 butter. I bought some $3 herbs and vats, you know, like live herbs. Sure. That's what I'm talking about. Just different kind of stuff. Sure. Bought a pork shoulder.

But the thing is, is like, I used to go to the farmer's market with my mom when I was a kid. And the farmer's market that we went to, we would take the bar to it. It was at Civic Center in San Francisco right by City Hall. And it was in this kind of plaza that was one of those, like, modernist

plazas where they imagine that what's going to happen is, like, people are going to assemble there to, like, celebrate mass events events or whatever but actually what happens is just uh bums live there sure and everyone else is scared to go there um so it was in this area and like my main memories of farmer's markets as a kid are like elderly chinese women pushing me like it was not there was no like children's reggae musician. There was no, like none of that stuff. And it was definitely cheaper than the grocery store.

Times they are a changing. Let's get some more elderly Chinese women pushing you type farmer's markets. Yeah. Just old people in general pushing you. Just old people pushing was a big part. How many times minimum would you like to be pushed at the farmer's market? Three or four. And it couldn't, is it just the-

Like a Lithuanian man could push me? Is it, do you think it's just because you're not a child anymore and harder to push? No, because it's just full of guys who are wearing toques. But you know, it's like, instead of folding up the bottom of the toque so that it fits the, they have it pushed back on their head because it's hot outside. It's Los Angeles. So they have it pushed back on their head so it looks like the tip of a condom. Okay.

You know what I'm talking about? Like a condom toque aesthetic. Like an Ashton Kutcher in 2007. Yeah, last time I was at the Atwater Farmer's Market, there was actually a paparazzi there. I don't even know who it was. We couldn't even figure out who they were chasing, but there was actually paparazzi. Maybe they just wanted to get a shot of some nice heirloom tomatoes. Heirloom tomatoes, they're just like us. Sure, exactly.

But the Atwater Farmer's Market is the – All the heirloom tomatoes have little iced coffees. It's the site of – it's where Al Aqua is, the new restaurant I went to last weekend. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Tess Rafferty comes in here. Look, we have a lot of guests on our program. Few as charming and hilarious as Tess Rafferty.

And few come prepared with anything to talk about. Tess wants to give a local restaurant review. That's what she's here for. Sure. She wants to make sure that all of you who might visit Los Angeles one day from your homes in Sydney, Australia, know what she thought. That's what they do in magazines, though. You pick up like Condé Nast Traveler and it's like, here's this new restaurant in Cleveland. Like if you're reading Condé Nast. You did say you wanted to be the Condé Nast of podcasting. You're going to end up in Cleveland anytime soon.

And I did. I maintain to this day, 2012, June, Conde Nast Traveler, the Cleveland issue. Best theme issue of a magazine. But I do. I wouldn't have brought it. I wouldn't have brought up a local restaurant. But you were right there. You're literally right there with the farmer's market. OK. So let's talk about this local restaurant. What kind of restaurant is it? No, we don't wouldn't have brought it. I wouldn't have brought up a local restaurant. But you were right there. You're literally right there with the farmer's market.

Okay. So let's talk about this local restaurant. What kind of restaurant is it? No, I don't need to talk about it. No, let's talk about it. What dish do you recommend, Tess? It's the Italian restaurant. And I recommend the homemade ravioli that's stuffed with chicken liver pate.

That sounds pretty good. And it's drizzled with balsamic vinegar. Yeah, it's got some balsamic in it. It's pretty amazing. Yeah, it sounds pretty good. And it's drizzled with balsamic vinegar. Yeah, it's got some balsamic in it. It's pretty amazing. Yeah, it sounds pretty good. It was good. Tess is kind of an interesting figure in my life these days. I mean I met her when I got this – oh, I guess we had met before briefly.

Yeah, we met once on Field TV. We did a show together. But met her on this job. Very helpful getting accustomed to a proper writer's room. She's a vet. She's a vet. She's a pro. So it's nice to have somebody setting a good example. But I think more important than that is that now that I know Tess, I have a friend who will talk to the waiter a lot about wine, which is an important thing to have, I think.

That's really useful. I've never had one before. Yeah. What about the cab? Do you recommend the cab? Sure. Yeah, I mean, I'm very specific about the kinds of wine I like, so I ask things like, is it earthy? Is it dirty? What kind of nose? So you like

a dirty wine? You like a nasty down-loathe kind of wine? I like to just spank a wine on its bottom and caw on a nasty little... You want to drink it right out of a glory hole. Foul gutter wine. You want to put it right out of a glory hole. Foul gutter wine. You want to put your mouth up to a hole in a rest stop bathroom wall and have a sweet port come through. And just smell that bouquet.

But yeah, I mean, yeah, usually my friends just order a Smirnoff Ice, a Bacardi O, but it's nice to, I don't know, it's nice to be out with a class act is what I'm saying. Tess, what notes are you looking for? Let's talk about the notes that you're looking for. The notes I'm – I really like a dirty nose. I like something that's got barnyard and like dirt and earth. I'm not into – Hay?

Yes, hay. I like minerality on my whites. I like really dry whites, like some notes of slate perhaps. Sure. Slate notes. Yeah. Let me ask you this question. When you talk of slate perhaps. Sure. Slate notes. Yeah. Let me ask you this question. When you talk about slate notes, is this just because you have a background in slate licking?

How did you come to be fond of that note? I guess I just like the taste associated with it. You know, it's funny. It's just – I mean I wish I had the skill for just about anything else that was useful and not going to destroy my liver. I've learned a lot just sitting at tasting bars and talking to people.

And you were born in a quarry. And you just learn what you like. It's like anything else. You learn the taste you like and then you learn it's like you've never, you know, you might not have else. You learn the taste you like and then you learn, you know, it's like you've never, you know, you might not have put a handful of pennies

in your mouth, but you know what pennies smell like, you know? I have put pennies in my mouth. I think everyone has put pennies in their mouth. To feel like a rich man.

Look at me. I got so many goddamn pennies. Tess, I think the conversation you have with the waiter about the wine pre-dinner is like the one I have with my dominatrix. How much pressure will be applied to the taint? Well, you know what?

You want to know you're going to get value for your money. Exactly. And not just be – the worst thing is like to be sitting there with the dominatrix just faking it. Oh, God. Just like waiting so you can get out of there and thinking you're not going to tip because this is bullshit. Jess, tell me about what kind of wines you like. We're talking about Riesling, Beaujolais Nouveau.

No, neither of those. Yeah, those are asshole wines. Fuck them. Fuck them and everyone who drinks them. I tend to like more European style wines in in general like more italian and french wines um my favorite white is um a sancerre which is a french wine that's not you know like chardonnay for example is like buttery and it's like smells like butterscotch oaky notes yeah yeah all that oak and coconut and stuff i i don't like that it tastes like um it tastes like those um those

tropical lifesavers uh to me those are kind of gross, tropical Lifesavers. Yeah, yeah. I like a traditional Lifesaver. If anything, berry Lifesaver. Like if you're going to give me a twist on a classic, I'll take the berry. In a pinch. But like one of the five classics, right? You got your pineapple.

That's the white one. You got your orange, your lime, your red. That's cherry or something. Yeah, cherry might be the most popular Lifesaver. I think it's the lime, your red. That's cherry or something. Yeah, cherry might be the most popular lifesaver. I think it's the best lifesaver, that's why. I like a white lifesaver. I used to really like the butterscotch lifesavers, though, too. So that kind of flies in the face of me hating Chardonnays.

Those don't have any oaky notes. No, that's just pure sugar. This is asking a lot for you to remember, but do you remember the wine you had when we went to Dave & Buster's? How would you describe that? I mean, I don't know if it can conjure up that sense memory. I had a Prosecco, and I think it was Luna Prosecco, actually.

And it was a split, which means that it was in its own little bottle, so I had nothing to worry about. Okay. But it didn't touch anyone who had been to a Dave & Buster's. No. Okay. It was a fresh bottle. Or who worked there. I will – yeah.

I find if you're going to be someplace with a questionable wine list, whites or sparkling wines tend to be more forgiving. Can you tell me how that pairs with busting out totally stuffed tater skins. It was – you know, what was so funny about it was that it was – I had a cheeseburger there. And I remember thinking this is not nearly as terrible as I thought it was going to be. This is actually a pretty decent cheeseburger. You know, I think if you space out your trips to chain restaurants, they can be a real treat. Yeah.

You know, yesterday we were down in Malibu, and we were someplace where they literally had a gigantic martini glass. You could see them bringing it to all the tables of nothing but fried calamari in it. Yeah. And actually it was fried calamari on top of fries. They were filling it out with fries. But, I mean, it was gigantic. Oh, fuck.

I want that. I want to get it. Yeah. You totally want to get it. And that was the thing. None of us were going to order calamari until we saw five other tables with it. Yeah. And then the next thing you know, it's just nothing but fried food goodness.

I'm actually going to be going to Chuck E. Cheese. For the first time in my life, I've never been to a Chuck E. Cheese. Never been to a Chuck E. Cheese. I think the novelty pizza restaurant of choice during my childhood was Burlingame, California's Pizza and Pipes. Okay.

Which was famous for sweet bongs. Yeah, I know. God, that's what I was thinking. That really would just make so much sense with your childhood of going to like farmer's markets and Latina movie theaters. It was much seedier than that. Their slogan is puff, puff, pizza. It was pipe organ themed.

All kids love pipe organs. It wasn't the Mama's and the Papa John's pizza? No, it was like a classic. Like if you imagine a pizza parlor in a television show from 1970. Save that for hashtag bad restaurants. All right. I'll have to remember. I'm going to make a note of that on our phone.

We've been off for a week, so I'm worried I'm going to be rusty. Yeah. Anyway. You know those kind of stained glass shade lamps that hang on a chain? Oh, yeah. And like maybe the stained glass just says Schlitz on it? Yeah, like old Bordello style type things. Just like what people thought was like a cool place to hang out after they saw the sting.

Sure. You know what I mean? And then there was just a giant pipe organ. But anyway, I'm going to a kid's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese where a kid can be a kid. Chuck E. Cheese, yeah. I'm curious to learn what a Chuck E. Cheese is like these days because it's been at least a year since I've been to one. Because what I want to know about Chuck E. Cheese. Tell them if there's any good girls there, like single.

Yeah, if it looks like there's some hot singles there, just text me and I'll come by. I don't want to come by anyway, but if there's a lot of hot singles, let me know. Check out if it's a scene. It might be kind of a fern bar. Yeah. What's a fern bar? I don't know.

It's just a thing from 1980. Ah, okay. It's where singles hang out. Oh, gotcha. Sure. There's probably a lot of single moms. Yeah. What's a furred bar? I don't know. It's just a thing from like 1980. Ah, okay. It's where singles hang out. Oh, gotcha. Sure. You know. It's probably a lot of single moms. Yeah.

It's probably a real sausage fest, and I'm not talking about the pizza toppings. I want to know whether the pizza – to your mid-scale chain restaurants, your TGI Fridays. Yeah. I think you can definitely enjoy that experience. Sure. That can be an enjoyable experience. Dave & Buster's was pretty good at the time.

I hadn't eaten at a Dave & Buster's in a while. It was pretty good. Yeah. We had a blast. I got a Long Island iced TNT. It's kicked up a notch. It's like a Long Island island iced tnt it's kicked up a notch it's like a long island i see but it's kicked up it's on fire yeah it was on fire uh like you know like i wouldn't choose it but if you're in chico go ahead and go to outback you're gonna enjoy yourself you'll have a nice time um but i'm worried that it's gonna be more like papa

john's with children screaming at you. I think that's probably accurate. Yeah. I don't really remember the quality of the pizza at Chuck E. Cheese, but I do remember that they were the first ones to have that hologram game where the cowboy travels through time. Oh, yeah. Sure. I know that hologram. And shoots guns, right? Yeah.

He shoots. So this was a video game. It was on a big arcade cabinet. It sounds kind of familiar, yeah. Yeah, they projected up these holograms, and it was a photorealistic cowboy fighting various time period appropriate villains. Can I offer a suggestion about this game? I bet there's a lot of people out there right now who are curious what this game is called. Google it.

Sure. And then let yourself be satiated. No is called, Google it. Sure. And then let yourself be satiated. No need to let us know. Sure. If you're still feeling weird, go over and tap the light switch a bunch of times or throw some toothpicks down and count those. Hologram Time Traveler. Is that really what it was called, Brian? It's a little on the nose.

That can't possibly be right. Oh, geez. Yeah, so Chuck E. Cheese. We'll see. I remember that them having that game, they put it in the newspaper ad. Like, we have hologram time traveler. And then I was like, Mom, can we go?

Don't they have a ball pit? Who doesn't want to play with holograms? Yeah, right? Yeah. Well, you know, it's interesting. There's also a place called Giggles and Hugs that is like, I believe, like a Chuck E. Cheese, but like more upscale food. More like a fried calamari and a giant

martini glass. And a giant martini glass. Because a fucking fried calamari and a giant martini glass sounds great to me. And with fries on the bottom? Come on. Get out of town. It's around Los Angeles, so I don't know. Giggles and hugs. Giggles and hugs.

I always like hearing about the regional knockoff to the chain. I'm sure I've mentioned this on the show before, but Hal Rudnick, past guest on this show, grew up in New Jersey, and their version of Hooters was called Bazookas. I want to go to Bazookas so bad. I have to say that, like, my worst nightmare in life is to be forced to go to a Shakey's. Oh, sure. A Shakey's is a restaurant, I think, maybe centered.

It's a national restaurant chain, but I think centered in Southern California. Sure. And it sells square, all-you-can-eat pizzas. Mojo potatoes. In just an environment of purest sadness. Sure. Just a sort of unadulterated, uncut-by-any-glimmer-of-hope miasma of tears.

I think that is usually the case. But if you can hit that shit during a Mexican birthday party. Really? Oh, boy. Is that the jam? Yeah, yeah. Notice how the... Shakey's, you have your birthday up there. Right. They put your name on the side. On the marquee, yeah. They put up on the marquee, they put your happy birthday so and so.

I feel like around here they can just leave up happy birthday Maria. Yeah. It's always... It's just the jam is on. Sure. It's always accurate. I think if you gotta go, see if you can hit it during a Mexican birthday party. Kind of absorb some of that fun. Okay. We used always accurate. I think if you gotta go, see if you can hit it during a Mexican birthday party. Kind of absorb some of that fun. We used to live near this parcel of land that they

were clearing out. The people who had built the grove at one point were involved. They were going to put a new, amazing, like, outdoor mall area. And they basically settled on... The grove is like a Los Angeles super outdoor mall. Sure. I'm sorry. Yeah, thank you. So they were going to develop this great new mall. We need another one, too, by the way. I'm sad it didn't thank you. So they were going to develop this great new mall. We need another one too, by the way.

I'm sad it didn't happen. Well, you know, it was in the Valley. It wasn't any great shakes, the neighborhood. So we were kind of looking forward to it. Oh, sure. I get that. You know, like raising property values. Great shakies. And the one business they couldn't make a deal with to leave was

Sizzler. Like everybody else was like, yeah, sure, we'll get out. Where do we sign? They went and boarded up their business. So Sizzler was like the old man who sticks around during the hurricane. Sizzler was like, and I guess every time we went past there, it looked like it was booming. They were like, no, we're making a lot of money here.

Sorry. Sizzler? Have you ever eaten at Sizzler? It's been a long time since I've eaten at a Sizzler. I used to eat at Red Robin and Claim Jumper when I visited my grandmother in Mission Viejo. Those were the two restaurants that – oh, and what's the one with the pies? Marie Callender's? Marie Callender's, which sucked.

Claim Jumper's was fine, I guess, was the thing that it was. It was sort of outback steakhouse-y but a little – but yeah, like Sizzler. I don't know. I don't think I trust a $6 steak. Yeah, that's reasonable. That doesn't seem like something you should eat. Yeah. I think – Desi, I'm saying eat before you go to Chuck E. Cheese.

OK. Yeah. Don't rely on just the fact that pizza is always good. I think – I'm guessing that the Chuck E. Cheese pizza will be of a Shakey's caliber. I'm thinking also Xanax because there is going to be a lot of screaming kids there and a lot of screaming parents. What if I just abandon my family now? I mean, you could eat before you go or you could abandon your family.

That's always an option. I mean, you can decide when you get there. You could just ghost. You can halfway through the birthday party just decide it's go time. I'm out of here. Texarkana, here I come. By the way, I'm going to move to Texarkana when I abandon my family. Is that like some Smokey and the Bandit thing?

Oh, yeah. Like some dream? Got to get that Coors Banquet beer. Is that the plot of Smokey and the Bandit? I've never seen Smokey and the Bandit. Coors Banquet beer? Wasn't that some – it was part of the song, wasn't there, going to Texarkana? Yeah, I think they're going to Texarkana.

Okay, look. We've detailed my fantasy for abandoning my family. We found out a little bit about some of our nation's great restaurants and some of the great dishes available at some of the great restaurants in – what's that fucking neighborhood? Yeah, Water Village. At Water Village. And we learned a fun Thanksgiving fact. So, you know, we could basically just make noises the rest of the show and people should be grateful. Yeah.

Because they have learned a lot. This is way more than you deserve. Yes. Sorry, Josh and Chuck. Go suck a lemon. No wonder these guys are always criticizing you guys. Yeah, we're real mean. You mean to your audience.

We're showing an open contempt for them this week. We love you guys. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Hey, sponsors on this week's program, Jordan. This week's Jordan, Jesse Goh is supported by Warby Parker.

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Jordan. What? Let's say I got one pair of eyeglasses. Let's say I'm looking to add some situational eyewear. Like a sunglass? Yeah. warbyparker.com slash jjgo? That's where I'd go.

Let's say I got some tortoise eyeglasses, but I want a nice heavy black frame to wear with evening clothes. Warby Parker dot com slash JJ Go. Let's say I'm looking for a beach pair. Mm-hmm. You know, like something made out of cork. Warby Parker dot com slash JJ Go. Although I cannot say whether or not they have cork eyeglasses. They probably don't.

It would be a terrible idea. But you can find a nice alternative at warbyparker.com slash jjgo. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's maximumfun.org slash jumbotron. If you want to advertise on Jordan and Jesse Go, email Teresa at maximumfun.org. We'll talk to you more in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Santa. Tess Rafferty has some food in her mouth. She would have introduced herself right now. I'm Tess Rafferty. There you go. You can have a nickname if you want to. I don't know what my nickname would be.

Isn't that something, nickname is something people give you? If you give yourself a nickname, isn't that weird? No, that's why you get a podcast. Yeah, it is weird but not in the context of this show. Although Jesse Joyce would not do it. He refused on principle. Yeah, but then when he wouldn't do it, there was a fan revolt. Sure.

People thought he was arrogant because he wouldn't play by the rules of the game. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he writes his own rules. I respect that. That's true. Jesse, I'm not down with any goofy bullshit, Joyce. Jesse, I'm, yeah.

Yeah. Jesse's like a World War II vet. He feels like he fought so that he doesn't have to come up with any goofy things. He should definitely write for At Midnight. Sure. No goofiness there. I guess maybe I'm Tess' goofy bullshit, Rafferty. There you go.

Great. That's funny. I like it. Tess was kind enough to bring us some pie. Yeah. When was the last time we got dessert from a guest? I don't know. The donuts from Kevin Pereira?

Is that the last time? I think that's the last time a guest brought – I guess Kevin Sprinkles Pereira was the last person to bring us dessert on the program. That was like five years ago. It was just homemade too. I didn't just stop on the way here. That's true. We are doing really well right now because not only that, Ken Roberts and Daryl Asher teamed up to bring me caffeine-free regular Dr. Pepper. Then Ken said he felt bad bringing me only me a present.

So then he got Brian and Jordan gift cards to BW3. That's Buffalo Wild Wings. Yeah. It stands for Buffalo Wings and Weft. Yeah. Weck, I think. Weck? Yeah.

Weck. Which is some sort of regional sandwich. Okay. Weft is part of the weaving process. So what are we looking at? We're looking at, what has Jordan got in his hand there? Tess? Jordan has got a chocolate bourbon pecan pie, which I have to say I did not make.

A friend of mine made it, but totally from scratch homemade. It's great. And you have got a sweet potato pie, which I did make also from scratch. Oh. Now, this is the pie from the famous song by Domino. I don't know this song. Yeah. You don't know this song, Sweet Potato Pie?

I'm eating. Why don't you sing a little bit? You know the song. Yeah. You don't know this song, Sweet Potato Pie? I'm eating. Why don't you sing a little bit? You know the song, Ghetto Jam? No. The ghetto jam is about to slam with me. Nope. That sounds like some San Francisco bullshit. No?

No. I think Domino's from St. Louis. I believe that there's someone like Cab Calloway or somebody who did sing a Sweet Potato Pie song. Maybe it's the same one. No, it's a different. This is a G-Funk song from like 1992, 94, somewhere in there, 95 maybe. Yeah. I'm not familiar.

Sorry. All messed up and I don't know why. Gonna get a piece of that sweet potato pie. It sounds like a really good song. Yeah, well, especially when I sing it. I'm sad that I haven't heard it. The truth is I'm elevating the material. My committed and, if I do say so myself, inspiring performance I think is a pretty powerful expression of Domino's original intent, which he was unable to fully express on the original recording.

You know, it's reasonable. I'm with you. I think his song's about pussy. Oh. I should explain. Sure. It would also explain why you're eating the pie the way you are. Yeah.

Yeah. You're using your hand a little bit, which I think the pie appreciates. But every pie is different, Jesse. You have two your hand a little bit, which I think the pie appreciates. But every pie is different, Jesse. You have two fingers in the pie's ass. It feels good. That was a nice pie test. Good work. Thank you very much.

I have some here, Jordan. If you want to eat some of that. I think I'm okay right now. I'm pretty good. I halved mine so that Brian could have half of one. Ken doesn't get any. Because he's lucky to be here. Ken seems like he's probably gluten

free or something. Ken, you gluten free? Give us a nod. No, he's not gluten free. My sister is an excellent cook. Kind of a foodie. Is she? Interesting. She is, yeah. Great cook.

Makes her own sourdough bread out of a, you know. Mother starter. Out of a mother. She has a mother sourdough that she uses. And, you know, it's always kind of nice to talk to her because I can kind of like learn what the next food trend is going to be. Not only is she up on gluten, but she has a special kind of gluten that she adds to things. She has a special small batch artisanal gluten. So she's glutening up something that doesn't have enough gluten.

You've got to put gluten in when you're making bread. Wow. Basically, when you're making bread, unless you have extraordinary technique, you basically add – I can't remember what it's called, but it's basically gluten concentrate in order to make it glutinous enough to puff up and not be a weird brick. So there you go. She's got the right idea. Anyway, there's a new –

Well, yeah. I mean it's a lot of temperature and yeast and kneading it the right amount. Are you talking about pussy? Yeah. Are we still talking about pussy? I like to sprinkle a little gluten on there. Yeah, the mother pussy. You get the mother pussy from someone else.

People pass it down for generations and you use it to start your pussy. Right. Fellas, if you're not nuts about going downtown, just tell her you're gluten-free. And then go to sleep. Yeah, and then jerk off. Yeah. I can't imagine what my life would be without gluten. It's the best.

Or pussy. Sure. God, yeah. Either one of those things. What a bummer. What a bummer everything would be. Yeah. What a bummer.

What a bummer everything would be. Yeah. All that would be left would be like what? Like rice flour brownies and butt sex. Anal. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty good.

That is okay. Hey, you know what? Not to steer the conversation back towards dinosaurs. Right. But I want to steer the conversation back towards dinosaurs. Are you guys okay with that? Oh, that sounds wonderful. Tess, we're off. We're off work. We were off all this week. Had a free day.

Nothing going on. I decided to finally drive down and see the Cabazon dinosaurs. Oh, so this is east of Los Angeles. A couple hours east of Los Angeles. On the way to Palm Springs. There is this dinosaur... Let – call it a theme park is overstated. Yeah. It's a lot.

Well, if it was a theme park, it would be Jurassic Park, right? Sure. Right. So it can't be Jurassic Park. Yeah. By the way, how come you're not like making fun of Jordan for mentioning something local? Well, because this is going to turn into a great story about an experience that he had. It's not just going to be a list of ingredients in a particularly nice dish.

Were there any balsamic reductions involved in there? He had a date shake. I don't want to get ahead of the story. Sorry. Yeah. Come on. Spoilers. The date shake is the twist.

That's Nick Fury at the end of Iron Man 1. That's the post-credits tease. So, yeah, people probably know these weird concrete dinosaurs from Pee-wee's Big Adventure or the more popular movie The Wizard, which is about Fred Savage. They're in The Wizard? Yeah, they're totally in The Wizard. I'm nervous in The Wizard. The Wizard is where he becomes a Nintendo champion. Yeah, The Wizard was the movie made to promote Super Mario Brothers 3.

And also, wasn't the Power Glove very important in The Wizard? Yeah, the Power Glove was something a mean bully had in a velvet case that helped him play Rad Racer better. I can only imagine how well you would play Rad Racer if you had the power. When in real life, the power glove impeded everything you tried to do with it. Well, you could use it as a controller. That's true. It did just have a D-pad on it. But yeah, your hand motions did not work.

Anyway, so yeah, I think in the plot of The Wizard, if I'm remembering correctly. And Jordan, you're a man who knows. You had that robot that spun discs. Oh, yeah. I had Rob the plot of The Wizard, if I'm remembering correctly. And Jordan, you're a man who knows. You had that robot that spun discs. Oh, yeah. I had Rob the video robot. Help me play Gyromite. Ooh, those discs got hot. Do not touch those discs while they're spinning.

Hot discs. Hot discs. Hot Gyromite discs. So yeah, so in The Wizard, Fred Savage takes his autistic brother to California to enter a Nintendo championship because he's a prodigy. They meet a mean bully along the way with a power glove. And the girl from Rilo Kylie is in there. Really? Really.

Yeah. Any members of Slater Kenny in it? I don't think so. Any other indie rock celebrities? Oh, Kim Deal played someone who works at a gas station. OK Go is actually, yeah, they're wandering around the park shooting a video. You can see them kind of in the background of the director's cut. I have the Blu-ray.

I mean, I just want to see the wizard as the director intended. So, yeah, I had always like driven past these things. They're kind of on the way to Palm Springs. But I had never pulled over. So I'm like, fuck it. I'm just going to go. I'm going to go see the Cavazon dinosaurs. So I guess they were originally built in like the 60s just to promote a guy's diner.

Like a guy had a diner there that no one was stopping at. So he's like, oh, I'm going to build these giant dinosaurs out of scrap metal. Sure. They're like a classic roadside attraction. Yeah. Like the Watts Towers or something. Sure, sure. And I guess he also – the original plan was for them to shoot fire.

But it didn't happen. That was actually the original plan for the Watts Towers too. Right. Exactly. So yeah. So I guess in the 80s, the guy died or something and it was bought by creationists and has been turned into a creationism museum. So these people are New Earth people. They think the world is only 6,000 years old and kind of around these big dinosaurs is a – I don't know what to call it really. A wander around?

It's an area where you wander around and there's all these kind of concrete dinosaurs. where you wander around and there's all these kind of concrete dinosaurs. It's like in a park where there's those exercise stations. Yeah, exactly. It's like that but you have to pay ten bucks to get into it. And the point is to say

these things never existed? Here's their point, is that dinosaurs existed with man, did not get to go on the ark for some reason, and that's when dinosaurs died. So in these exhibits, you have these giant kind of concrete dinosaurs that have no uniform style at all.

Like, they all look like they were made by someone different. Some of them are really, like, spectacular and cartoony, and some of them look like they were, you know, from a, you know, the gift shop at Universal Studios. Well, there's a cruel twist to these dinosaurs, which is that you want to go into the mouth of the Tyrannosaurus Rex and sit down and look over Cabazon at night and say, everyone I know has a big butt. Let's talk about your big butt like Pee Wee did in your favorite movie. Sure.

But you're not allowed in there. Or maybe that doesn't even exist because of movie magic. You go in the mouth. You can't. I have a picture from inside the mouth. But you can't look. You're in a weird creationist museum in the torso and you can't get up to the head. That was my experience. I give a picture from the head.

How big are these dinosaurs? Do you want to see the picture I took from the head? There was like a viewing deck there where Pee-wee and Simone sit in Pee-wee's Big Adventure? Oh, there's the cat. No. It's the bathroom. Because when I went. Oh, wait, let's look at this cat picture first before I show you the picture from inside the head.

What's the bathroom? Look, there she is. She's in a little sunbeam there. Oh, she's enjoying, she's catching some rays. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. Tess, do you want to see this cat picture?

For folks who can't see this picture, I'll explain what's happening. Jordan's cat is just relaxing and catching some rays. Oh, that's particularly adorable. Cats love that. Cats love any new space that they can put their paws on that you need to get to right at that moment. Okay, so here's the picture I took from inside the mouth. For example, like Jordan's trying to get to the inside of the mouth. There's a wire mesh.

What? You go in there. How come I couldn't go in there? Well, I don't know. I tried to, and then you couldn't. Did they stop you? In the torso, there was a weird museum. Yeah. But then you weren't allowed to keep going. Oh, I kept going. Maybe they've done some improvements. Yeah.

I think they know people want to go inside the head. I mean, that was part of my drive there. That's like the whole deal of going there. You want to go and do lines from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. You want to pretend Bluto from the Popeye movie is chasing you around. He said, this is Jordan from At Midnight. I'm going to need to see that head.

Yeah. I'm going to need a private tour of the head. But I did learn a lot of interesting, like, history facts. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, real ones or creationist fact toys? Well, yeah. So in the Raptor section.

I don't know a lot about history, so I'm really excited to learn. Yeah. In the raptor section, there's a famous fossil of a velociraptor fighting a protoceratops. Technically, it's probably a Deinonychus fighting a protoceratops. Right. So don't – let's not quibble about that though. I think if you owned a lot of dinosaur books as a kid you'd probably recognize the side of this fossil did you own it?

technically it's not a raptor, it's Drake he's closely associated with raptors you can tell it's Drake because he's in a wheelchair like his character in Degrassi anyway so next to the

concrete raptor. And he's sad for no reason. Yeah. Like his public persona. Sure. Next to this, they show this famous fossil and it's like these two animals are locked in combat. The fossil suggests they died quickly, for instance, in a flood. They really like take every opportunity to suggest a flood killed the dinosaurs.

So this scenario is they're locked in mortal embrace. Sure. Deinonychus and Protoceratops. They're giving it a classic. A battle as old as time itself. You know, classic dinosaur sounds. I did all the sound for Jurassic Park 3. So I know a lot about the sounds that dinosaurs make.

That was Bill Macy you were doing, right? Yeah, exactly. Bill Macy eating were doing, right? Yeah, exactly. Bill Macy eating pussy. Yeah, I looped all the dialogue. For Bill, people couldn't understand him because he spoke too clearly. Yeah. I guess what's happening is the two dinosaurs are fighting. They've got their jaws around each other.

The flood comes, and they're like, hey, let's stick with this fight for a while. While we drown. Let's hold on to each other underwater. Yeah. Let's not try and get away from the flood. There are two, you know, pride cometh before the fall. Sure. Or in this case, after the flood, but before you die from the flood.

Oh, did I also mention that? I'm too proud to admit that they had to let go of each other. I've noticed though that like Christians in general, like I shouldn't say in general, but like the flood is like some weird part that they all agree on. Like I have friends who are very progressive Christians for gay marriage and everything. But you like ask them to talk about the Russell Crowe Noah and they get all like factual on you. They try to like fact check it for you. Well, I mean, it didn't happen like that. I mean, Tess, what killed

the dinosaurs? There's not dinosaurs around. Oh, also I should mention, around all the dinosaurs they have sheep and lions and goats just to really hammer at home. That's dinosaur food. Sure. Can I tell you what I think killed the dinosaurs? This is outside

of any kind of theology or whatever. Hubris? Radio? Karate. Oh. I think somebody learned karate and went on a fucking murder spree. Sure, just chopping. Because he just knew all the chops. Hi-ya.

He knew the right chops. Sure. And you go, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And the cruel irony, of course, is that karate is a power that should only be used in self-defense. It's a self-defense art. You don't want to use it against a peaceful Styracosaurus. Exactly. Who's just grazing.

Sure. Does Estego have bony, bony plates? Yeah, of course it does. Right? Do you think it's because most of them were vegetarian? Right. That they died and they couldn't, they just didn't have the energy to fight back? Oh, like they didn't know about eating beans and other stuff for protein.

Yeah. Lack of protein. Probably gluten-free too, those dinosaurs. Probably so. Yeah. I mean, if you're vegetarian and gluten-free. So the dinosaurs, they couldn't eat meat. They couldn't eat bread, which would otherwise have been like for a Tyrannosaurus, that's a big part of his diet.

Of course. His sourdough, rye, pumpernickel. Well, they did hang out all day in grocery store parking lots asking him to sign petitions. Right. That's all they had the energy for. Fucking dinosaurs. Fucking dinos. They deserve what they got.

Wow. Whether it be chops or flood or meteor. I mean I think chops. You think it's chops? I think what happened, you know how they say the only things that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs were like small mammals and troglodytes or whatever? So I think one of those little rat guys that you see in the background of the dino pics? Sure. That guy learned some fucking karate, learned some pressure points.

How do you think he learned karate? Do you think he found a VHS of three ninjas? Well, that's the great mystery. That's the great mystery. Yeah. Did he find a VHS

of three ninjas? Was it a different thing with Chuck Norris? Oh, that's sidekicks you're thinking of. Oh, I'm thinking of sidekicks. What's in three ninjas? Three ninjas is the...

That's ninjitsu. But, I mean, there's a backbone of karate there. The kids did karate. They didn't assassinate shoguns. It was called Three Ninjas, but I think that was a misnomer. They were doing karate. Who's the star of Three Ninjas?

Tum Tum. It's the one who likes to eat. Anyway. Tum Tum, is that a Teletubby? It's also a three ninja. Somehow we've turned into Griffin McElroy. Yeah. Anyway.

So, oh, also a fun fact. More proof that dinosaur and man existed together. There's something in Peru called an Inca stone or an Ica stone. And this is a stone found in a cave that has a drawing of man and dinosaur existing together. So could have ancient Peruvians imagined dinosaurs? Probably not. They were not. They had no imaginations. yeah. They were very literal people. Well known as literalists.

In fact, they did not even have the capacity for metaphor. Sure. Oh, they were focused on developing what we now know as potatoes. Right. Also proof is BC Comics. Sure. Yeah, because those are cavemen existing with dinosaurs. That's proof

right there. And those date back to the early 70s. Yeah, because those are cavemen existing with dinosaurs. That's proof right there. And those date back to the early 70s. Yeah. Those were in my math textbook, so they've got to be true. So, yeah. So I guess cab is on dinosaurs. Visit it. Right.

Get yourself some knowledge. And a fig shake. Oh, yeah. Yeah, on the way back, I got a date shake. It was really good. Yeah, date shakes are the famous. Dates are the famous fruit of the region. Mm-hmm. That and outlet shopping. Yeah. So is are the famous – dates are the famous fruit of the region. That and outlet shopping.

So is it ice cream and dates or just dates? No. Hard to say if it had any ice cream in it. It tastes – I don't know. It was like a slush. It's more like a slushy that has a date-ish flavor in it. And I'm not selling it, but it was really delicious. No, date shake is pretty good. Yeah. And milk? Nice selling it, but it was really delicious. No, date shake's pretty good. Yeah.

You get nice, fat, juicy dates. Yeah. You know, just a nice, fat, like a juicy, fresh, bursting, ripe date. Are you talking about pussy again? Yeah. Sorry. Incidentally, nut slushy is also a word. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go

hi everybody i'm justin mccroy i'm travis mccroy and i'm griffin mccroy and this is our serious promo no horsing around you two if you like just three gentlemen being adults about topics and giving advice for them to them. My Brother, My Brother and Me is a podcast for you serious minded adults. No monkey shines, no falderal. Hey, let me ask you a question. How sophisticated is your palate? You like Merlot?

Our show is basically like the Merlot and dark chocolate of podcasts. You gotta be grown up to like them. Our podcast is toilet wine. You've got to be grown up to like them. Our podcast is Toilet Line. Listen to the Toilet Line podcast every Monday right here at MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, That's the Jordan and Jesse Go Hotline, 206-984-4FUN. And we might play it back to our audience in our segment, Momentous Occasions. You're really selling it now. No, I like it.

You're putting some showmanship into this intro. This is huckster Jesse. Yeah. I've got a tonic that will help you in the marital department. With a capital P, and that rhymes with T. And that stands for pool. Let's hear our first call. Hi, Jordan and Jesse.

This is Aaron from Massachusetts. I'm not sure if this is a moment of shame, but I was just cut off the train from my ride home from work, and the guy sitting across from me started off by taking off his shoes, which is wrong. Then proceeded to roll his socks down about halfway down his feet, which seemed even more wrong. But then he proceeded to pick dead skin off

his heels and eat it for the whole ride home. I'm not sure exactly where he was going with that. I had to get off before he took anything else off. Anyway, love the show. Thanks. Bye. I'm eating more pie. No, and he says he had to get off before he took anything else off.

Sure. The trainer himself. It's a climax, sexually. He doesn't want anyone to think that he's gay. He's just into heel picking. And he just happened to be a dude. But if the dude took his junk out, then that would make it gay. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it depends if the socks matched. Like what kind of, you know, how nice the socks were. Oh, so you think maybe if it's a fun sock. Although fun socks are pretty widespread now. In California, sure. Like in Los Angeles, I think. But I don't think the middle of the country.

I don't think there's a lot of dudes sporting happy socks. Not on this guy's train. Yeah, not on this train. Not on this asshole's train. Not on this yokel's train. This probably still thinks the next big food thing is Chipotle wraps. Check. Like they don't know that Chipotle has tofu now or something.

Yeah, come on. Next call. Jordan, Jesse, probably Chris Fairbanks. This is Ben from Alabama, and I'm calling you with the most momentous occasion of my entire life. I have recently, as of two days ago, quit my job at six years and got a car full of shit. And I'm packing up and heading to Aston, Colorado, trying to leave the manufacturing life behind and machine shop. Going to do me some skiing and shit. So got my iPod loaded up.

Going to be ready to rock and roll for 20-something hours. Y'all be good. Take care. We will, Van. We will be good. We love you, Van. Oh, man, this is the greatest guy in history. Oh, my God, I love Van.

I was expecting New York City, Hollywood. Atlanta! Sure. You know, maybe... The Big D! Austin. Austin, absolutely. Yeah, gonna get the band off the ground.

Nashville. Yeah, sure. Songwriting career. Or be on the television show Nashville. Sure, there you go. They probably cast local extras. Yeah, sure. Just songwriting career. But. Or be on the television show Nashville. Sure. There you go. They probably cast local extras. Come on.

That stars the woman from Friday Night Lights. Yeah. Nothing wrong with her. No. She's a gifted actress and quite beautiful. Could it be? I know this is a fucking wild theory. Okay.

You guys are probably, you're going to laugh at me. This is such a wild theory. Right. Unfounded. I – you're going to laugh at me. This is such a wild theory. Right. Unfounded. I'll admit it's out of left field. Okay. Do you think he's going to work in the marijuana industry? I know.

I know. There's no – nothing about this guy. Well, let's play this out. He says he's going to ski. This guy is a classic Bama ski bum. Some skiing and shit. Yeah, some skiing and shit. He didn't say snowboard, you know, so I'm not sure.

Sure. Yeah. No, no, you're right. He could be a waspy type. He could be a country club. One of those country club machinists. Yeah, exactly. Here's the secret, Jordan.

If you're at the dispensary in 12 weeks. Sure. You're at the dispensary in 12 weeks. Sure. And you look down and in addition to the normal selection of products, one of the products is called Roll Tide. They don't know that Van went into the marijuana industry. Get some of that OG Roll Tide. Yeah.

Wow. God, I love Van. He could be going. They just opened a new art museum. I read about that in Condé Nast. He could be going. You know, they just opened a new art museum. I read about that in Condé Nast. He could be going to work at the art museum in Aspen. Do you have any Aspen restaurant recommendations, Tess, for Van once he gets there? Van sounds like the kind of guy who likes fine dining. You think Van is just super rich and he was just manufacturing for kicks and now he just wants to live a rich man's life in Aspen, Colorado?

Could be. God, I wish that was true. Maybe he's headed to the Aspen Ideas Festival. Van, if you're out there, just keep driving. Come on to L.A. You're the new third co-host of Jordan Jessica. I was worried he was going to say that he was going to break into comedy at the Aspen Comedy Festival and I was going to have to tell him that it doesn't exist anymore.

Sure. Like, first HBO dropped it and then RooftopComedy.com did a version for a little while and then I don't think even they do that anymore. Well, anyways. I have a brother outside of Aspen in Carbondale. Van could look him up. Yeah. Yeah.

You want to give out his name? My brother likes to live off the grid. I know, shocker, that he's in Colorado. Sure. So probably not because he's the type who might have, I don't know, bench warrants somewhere else. We don't know. Yeah, well, the NSA does monitor this podcast. He once got a DUI on a bike.

Anything's possible. That's how you roll in Colorado. You know fucking Van's gotten a d.o. vans got probably got a d.o. out a lot of non-traditional uh vehicles fan boat maybe man shit yeah he was down in louisiana getting a d.o. on a fan boat having having some hurricanes on a fan boat man i would love to have some hurricanes on a fan boat. Fuck, man. What about roller skates? Not roller blades. Oh, yeah.

Skates. Quad skates. Sure. Sure. Skating under the influence. Oh, man. The squee. This goes without saying, but go-kart?

You bet your buttons. Actually, the Pine Box Derby in his local town has a cease and desist from him. He's not allowed to show up. He's been drunk for the last four Pine Box Derby. Sure. Doesn't even have a kid playing. Pounding a 40. Yeah.

He brings his own car, which is made of old beer cans. Yeah. Which seems, it's supposed to be from a single block of wood, I think. Also, he's covered in piss. Fucking man. God bless you, Sam. Yeah, you're great. Follow your dreams, Van.

We believe in you. Whatever it is you're doing in Aspen. Skiing. Yeah. Sorry, skiing and shit. I forgot. Not like, I mean, like, how expensive is Aspen? It's like the most expensive place in the world.

You're not like, he's going to go rent a $10 million, 46,000 square foot mansion and just chillax. Dude, Van is like fucking later for you, machining equipment. Aspen, here I come. I'm becoming a billionaire. I'm going from an industrial worker to an industrialist. Fucking Van is great. Maybe he's going to be a docent at the museum. That's very possible.

He's got the attitude. I would love to learn a few things from Van. Sure. In this case, I'm again talking about pussy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know Van knows how to munch box. Van's up in there. Van goes downtown.

T-C-B. He's not shy about going downtown. That's what he thought the pine box derby was. Right, yeah. That was a pussy thought the Pine Box Derby was. Right, yeah. That was a pussy eating contest. Put on that shirt. Where are all these kids in this contest? Roll Tide.

Okay. 206-9844-FUN is our telephone number. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org, our email address. We'll talk to you in just a second. Welcome to the Lady to Lady Show. Behind door number one, we have fantastic weekly guests like Aisha Tyler, French Stewart, Greta, and more. Behind door number two, we have road trip and sleepover games like Would You Rather and Never Have I Ever, the kind of games that remind you of being a kid.

Door number three brings you fresh hot episodes every Wednesday. You can find them on iTunes and MaximumFun.org. Now pick a door. Just kidding. They're not real because we're a podcast. You're all winners. And we didn't really think this through. Lady to lady. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thor la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Tess, goofy bullshit Rafferty. Tess, let me ask you a question. Are we talking about a wet brine or a dry brine for your Thanksgiving turkey? Dry. Dry brine. Best thing I've ever done.

Also works on pork shoulders. That wet brine is, I've tried it a few years. Speaking of goofy bullshit, it's like people are like, you just get, you get a bucket and you get a garbage bag. Two things I never want to put food I'm going to eat in a garbage bag and a bucket. And then you- Let me just dump these miscellaneous screws and nails out of this bucket. Yeah, this Home Depot bucket. And put the most important meal of my year into it.

And then it's like, then you put it in this broth of salmonella. Like it just sits in this, you know, whatever it is. And then you get this like soggy, mushy turkey afterwards. And I never noticed any difference. But the dry brine, I have to say, I've done it two years in a row now. And people who've eaten this turkey are like, this is not just the best turkey you've ever cooked. It's the best turkey I've ever had. Salt continues to penetrate over time.

Most seasonings do not, but salt does. Salt gets deeper and deeper. I know there's a whole science thing about why it works. I can't follow it for the life of me. Do you ever put a little baking soda on your skin to make it get crispier? I thought you meant my actual skin. I was like, how does that work? dang, girl, you're looking crispy. Yeah.

You got some bacon soda on that skin? No, no, just naturally crispy. No, I just, I brown it for like half an hour to an hour at the end. I actually also keep my turkey covered and just baste frequently. I find nobody cares about crispy skin so much on Thanksgiving. It's like, I think the last thing, I mean, once you're putting all that gravy on it, what do you really need crispy skin for? That's a good point. Yeah.

But that's an interesting technique, too, baking soda. Here's what I like to do with leftover stuffing. What's that? Press it into a little pancake with your hands. Just get a ball of it. It's a nice tactile sensation. You press it into like a flat, like a pancake. Fry it in a pan.

That's the bread for your leftover sandwich. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Yeah. Poached eggs are also good on that. I probably would leave that off, but it sounds like a nice addition. Night on a night fan? Maybe not poached.

Yeah. You don't like a runny egg? No. I mean, I could have like a sunny side up egg. Yeah. Well, that would work too on top of a stuffing pancake. Okay, let's do that. Yeah, but that sounds like a – that sounds fantastic.

I love that. Fucking compromise. Yeah. We really can live together. Yeah. Yeah. Look, how can you not serve stuffing? Like how can you serve stuffing that would be terrible?

It's true. It's delicious. Unpossible. It's a pile of bread. Sometimes it has bacon in it. Yeah. Or sausage. Or sausage.

Goat cheese and wild rice. Sure. Can I tell you what I don't want in there? Fucking raisins. Oh, yeah. I'm with you on that. Nobody wants raisins in the fucking stuffing. Make it savory.

Maybe a golden raisin. No, not a golden raisin, goddamn it. I could go for a golden raisin. You know what? I'm backtracking. Golden raisin. A golden raisin is the same as a goddamn purple raisin, only it's golden. What about cranberries? Some people put cranberries.

What's the cranberry sauce in general? I made cranberry sauce, too. Do you like that on turkey? Is that not weird? Not on turkey, but I do like to have a little bit of it there with it. Like switching bites. You're like, ooh, a little bit of that. Ooh, a little bit of that.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. You guys know where I'm going. Okay. Well, our thanks this week to Domino for his hit song, Sweet Potato Pie. Ken Roberts and Daryl Asher. Crystalynn Asher, Daryl's daughter who lives in Salt Lake City, the home of Caffeine Free Regular Dr. Pepper. Ashford and Simpson. Thanks to those guys. Thanks to those guys.

Thanks to those guys for reuniting. Mm-hmm. This whole episode has felt so good. Yeah. Brian Fernandez, Sonny D on the boards. Oh, shit. Can I say one other thing? Yeah, go for it.

Fucking Max Von Con tickets. By the time this airs, they might be gone. Get them. They're going fast. We're like three quarters full already. But MaxVonKahn.com. Go get your tickets. Can I say the name of my book?

Tess Rafferty is a memoirist. Her book is called? Recipes for Disaster. It's a fun way to look back at your life with a combination of humor and food. Oh, you know what it's about. Thank you. I read the flap. Oh, good.

You handed it to me as you walked in. I read the flap. I'm no fool. I think Tess Rafferty's is a little delight, and I bet her memoir, which is a combination of life experiences and the foods associated with them, is probably delightful, too, just like Tess Rafferty. I don't know. Maybe it would make the perfect Christmas gift.

Maybe it would make the perfect Christmas gift. Also inaudible. You can hear me read it. Oh, cool. If, if, if, if there's someone on your list who likes to eat or remember. Sounds like a good book. Thank you. Recipes for Disaster.

Tess Rafferty has been our guest. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.