Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 355: Extreme Whiffenpoof with Vanessa Ramos

Episode Date: December 15, 2014

Writer and comedian Vanessa Ramos joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's excursion to get a Christmas tree, videogame movies, and the En Vogue Lifetime movie.  

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. I'm glad that you're ringing in the holiday season with this new nickname, Jordan. Yeah, I just want to put the Santa back in Christmas. Yeah, finally. You know who I, it's too much about Christ.

I know. And hey, he's great. He died for our sins. Yeah. The man died for our sins. Had a lot of wisdom, a lot of compassion. Sure, washed feet. What about Santa?

Took care of lepers. Sure. Has Santa ever taken care of a leper? He's probably brought one like a sweet transformer. Sure, yeah. Like a little junior leper? Yeah. You know, nothing takes the mind off leprosy like a Sega Dreamcast.

I think a contemporary leper child might be disappointed to receive a Sega Dreamcast. No, no. Lepers love Sonic games. Oh, really? Yeah. And they want to go deep catalog? Yeah, exactly. So the issue is leprous children already have like a PS4.

Yeah. But, you know, they think it's like, you know, it's too much about the flash. It's too much about the graphics. It's too much about the look at our, look at these textures. When really what it should be about is ethics and video games sure thank you it should be about sonic collecting rings and using a cumbersome controller to do it um well let's introduce our guest on the program she's a comedy writer a writer on the hit television program at Midnight. Or was. Was. Former writer on the hit television program At Midnight. Twit Leopardy.

Vanessa Ramos. Hi, Vanessa. Hi, King. Sorry I said was so aggressively. I just didn't want to misrepresent you. I left there for a show that hasn't aired yet. Oh, cool. So let's hope it airs. My fingers are crossed. That's actually a lie. My fingers are not crossed.

I know. I'm looking right at you. I know. That's why I felt like I should come out and admit it because I wasn't fooling anyone. I'm sitting on my testicles. I hope that bodes well for your show. Me too. Oh, man.

Earlier today, my son Oscar just stomped the living daylights out of one of my testicles. On purpose? Were you guys fighting? Yeah, we were fighting, and he fights dirty. Jeez. This kid, 14 months old, he already fights dirty. Throws a handful of sand in your face. Stomps the nuts.

Stomped my testicle. And then he cuts you with the razor blade he keeps under his tongue. I was holding him on my lap. You just forget that babies don't know about. He doesn't even know to be careful of his own testicles. Sure. Like sometimes he'll hurt his testicles. Not because he like fell or something.

But just because he put them in a dangerous position. Sure. Like near a xylophone. You know he touched a pot and got burned. Gotcha. You know what I mean? Yeah, my testicles got stomped. I don't think you should let your son cook naked.

Yeah, that's true. That's fair. Put on some pants when you're cooking. I'm hoping to raise him as the new naked chef. Oh. Wasn't that Jamie Oliver at one point? Colin, you're from England. He's nodding.

Yeah, that's correct. Have you ever seen a sumo match? Either of you guys. Well, I'll start with that. Have you guys ever seen a sumo match? No, I've never seen a sumo match. No, I've only seen like the weird like, hey, this would be a funny scene in a movie type thing where it's just two big dudes. But I don't think there was anything actually like historically correct about it.

Okay. I have seen, and I assume you've both seen a sumo match in between innings of a minor league baseball game. Sure, yeah. As one does.

I've seen a few sumo matches and one thing that I didn't know that they do on the subject of throwing sand in faces is like sometimes there's just different kinds of sumo guys.

Like some of the guys are just enormous. A lot of the guys are enormous Hawaiian dudes. So like they'll be like six foot seven and 797 pounds. You know what I mean? Other guys are like two thirds of that size, but they're crafty. And one of the big moves that they do. they're crafty. Mm-hmm. And one of the big moves that they do— Like they know a lot of life hacks? Yes, exactly.

They know how to keep the bubbles in a can of soda that they've opened but not drank all of. They can open a beer with a credit card. Yeah. They do this thing, like one classic crafty sumo guy move is – there's a point where there's like in the sumo guy equivalent of their three-point stance is ready for the shit to go down. And then the referee or equivalent – I don't know a lot of sumo terminology. So I'm just working with what I've got here. He says go, Japanese of course. And then He says go. In Japanese, of course. And then the little dude.

In Japanese, go means five. So he yells five. That's true. And it's a popular game of strategy. The little dude sort of pops up at the big dude and fucking claps right in his face like this. And the big dude goes, huh? And then the little dude goes, huh? And then the little dude goes, huh? And then he fucking does a twisty turns

and the big dude falls down. I've seen it happen. It's amazing. Seems like there's not a lot of rules in sumo. Well, there's no clapping in the face rule. Yeah. I just remembered the thing I was thinking of, the only time I've really seen sumo wrestling

was in the movie Street Fighter. Oh, sure. When they introduce introduce is it e honda i believe or no it's e honda it is okay yeah and you're talking to the right man okay you're looking for confirmation on this subject yeah well and specifically in the film um yeah i know i'm one of the rare people who knows a lot about the movie street fighter but nothing about oh i'm just a fan of the movie because in the sumo scene in the film, he's also, like, he's doing the sumo thing,

but he also kind of has one eye of, like, what's going on, because they have this big thing planned, like, to sneak in Chung Li in front of, like, Raul Julia. Sure. So. What is the plot of Street Fighter, the movie, is that they're having a tournament on an island? No.

They want Kylie Minogue to be seen as an actress. It's kind of the overall theme. Yeah, we gotta get her out there. So here's, I think, the problem. They've made two Street Fighter movies. And none of them, neither of them have been about a fighting tournament. They've been about like toppling a dictator.

Oh, and it should be noted, the first one ends, like, it was the last film Raul Julia did before, like, before he died. So one ends, like, it was the last film Raul Julia did before he died. So it ends, like, it's the worst film, the cheesiest, like, worst acting, and it ends with a big thing that says, Vaya con Dios, Raul. Like, it's the giant tribute to him and his body of work. I like how they said, Vaya con Dios. Yeah.

You will always be remembered for your role as M. Bison. Yeah. So none of them are tournament based. Have you seen both? I have seen both, yes. I would imagine you saw the first one because you were such a Street Fighter fan. You didn't know how terrible it was going to be. You were 14 or whatever.

And then the second one probably because you had to for your television. That's exactly right, yes. This is the Street Fighter, The Legend of Chun-Li. Oh, I've heard that legend. Yeah. It's a tale as old as time itself. She's legendarily good at Street Fighter. Right.

Yeah. She's a good fighter. She's a very good fighter. Have you ever heard the legend of the woman named Chun-Li who was really good at fighting? Right. Yeah. My mother used to tell it to me. Sure.

Once upon a time. Yeah. We were homeless on the streets. I had nothing to lull me to sleep but the legend of Chun-Li. Yeah, it seems like a movie about a fighting tournament could be pretty cool. You just have a lot of cool fights. Right. You get whoever choreographed the raid to choreograph you some fights.

Right. You got a movie. Because everybody's got magic powers. Sure. One guy's got stretchy yoga arms. That's the only one I can think of. Yeah. Anyway, guys, if I was in charge of the video game to film Street Fighter franchise, I'd probably be getting laid a lot more, right?

Well, number one. First and foremost, you'd be fucking the shit out of Kylie Minogue. Oh, man. You and Kylie would be going to town. Hey, Kylie, you want me to make a Cammy Solo movie? Of course you do. Australian super songstress. Yeah.

The Mortal Kombat movie was actually about a fighting tournament. Okay. Was there only been one? Mortal Kombat is irrelevant now, right? No, Mortal Kombat's still a pretty vibrant franchise. What about the shareware game Pong Kombat? Yeah. That's on the same level as Jazz Jackrabbit at this point.

Gotcha. Yeah, the Mortal Kombat games are still really good. They're making them a little more complicated too. Now, tell me about what kind of complication can we expect from a Mortal Kombat game? You know, just like more, you know. Career mode? Yeah, career mode. I mean, are they doing that thing where it's like you can be different,

like kind of like an old NBA jam where you could just all of a sudden, it's like, hey, I can be this player who retired 10 years ago. Yeah, if you put it in the right code, you could be Bill Clinton. Yeah. I don't know. I've been out of gaming for a long time. I don't know what's happening. You know, they're just a little more technical, a little more complicated, a little less about button

matching, a little more about strategy. Can you be Joe Buttons or is that just in Def Jam? I think that's a Def Jam fight for New York. Okay. That would be a good unlockable. It would be great. I mean, definitely Mortal Kombat needs to go outside the box. I mean, there's a new one coming out, so it seems like they could add more people from pop culture.

Yeah. I mean, if you want to sell video games, the secret is get some of the best-selling rappers of 2002. Yeah. What do you think Soulja Boy's finishing move would be? The crack that? Yeah. Oh, more Superman-ing that hoe, I guess. Oh, so there's two good choices.

Yeah. Either he supermans the hoe or he cranks that. Yeah. Both good options. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. There's been two Mortal Kombat movies.

I have not seen the second one, Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Is this a similar situation where it came out ten years later? No, I think it came out, it was kind of a rush to theaters after the first one was a success. The first Mortal Kombat movie was a success? I think so. I think it is the gold standard for video game movie that kind of worked. Let me ask you this question. Please.

How many Double Dragon movies have there been? I think just the one. Just the one? Yeah. I know that one primarily because of that introduction to the arts class wherein a girl did a monologue from it. A lot of juicy parts for women in Double Dragon. Yeah, sure. She was also really into a martial arts professional wrestling league.

Sheila would write poetry about it in literature class. Oh, terrific. Called something masters, martial arts masters or something. It was on Channel 44. And it's amazing that that girl you went to high school with grew up to be Taylor Swift. I know. But you know what they say? Never judge a book by its cover.

There you go. I looked at this spectacularly beautiful young woman and I said to myself, she's never going to be a star. You know, just because she can sing doesn't mean she'll be a singing star. There you go. I always assumed she would go on to become a martial arts professional. Ideally. Okay.

We'll have more on Jordan and Jessica when we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. We started this podcast back in 2008, before podcasts had to have any kind of concept, so we don't really know how to describe it. It's kind of like going to the barber shop if your barber knew all about the first season of the show Elf. It's like a 90-minute massage where the masseuse is two people talking to each other with a third person. It's like the Monsters of Metal tour, only quieter, no music, and just talking. It's like a makeout session, but without the lips touching, they just talk a lot. Download Stop Podcasting Yourself from iTunes

or MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, That was it. You're right. That is the perfect nickname. I don't know if it's more of a nickname or profession is my confusion. I think you're overthinking it. Okay. It's just a vibe you want to give off. Oh, okay. So just like something that you feel clues the listener into what you're all about. So in your case, you have a television show where you prepare pets as food.

I'm fine with that message as well, yes. For celebrities. I was thinking more in the vein of like I cook things like Joshua Jackson has an alpaca with some creative allergies. That's where I come in, you know, really whip something up. Sure. It's impossible to feed an alpaca without peanuts. You found a way.

Yes. Almond butter. That's the secret. Almond butter. That's the way to feed Joshua Jackson's alpaca. So, yeah, I mean, I think Celebrity Pet Chef is great. Great. Yeah.

Well done. I participated in some holiday activities today. Oh, I'd love to hear one. Just one. If you pick the best one, The other ones can go to hell. I went to a parking lot and I bought a Christmas tree from a toothless man. A man

who looked like... Are you worried that you're maybe supporting this man's meth habit by buying his Christmas tree? He was very nice. Quite busy. The cast of characters at the Christmas tree lot was Okay. Quite busy. Yeah. Let's see. The cast of characters at the Christmas tree lot was the toothless man. He had some teeth.

Sure. Just others he didn't have. He did not have a 100% track record in the tooth department. Number two, a man who was sweeping up, who was so kind of – so apparently beaten down by life, like so clearly destroyed by time and the elements and late capitalism. Sure. He looked like he could have been an extra in the background of the song Skid Row from Little Shop of Horror. Sure. Or maybe in Rent. He was wearing a flat cap, and he was little and had like a four day beard growth and was wearing like a beat up old sweatshirt and was raking.

You should have flipped him a dime. And then if he chomps it to see if it's real, then you know that this is a guy who has seen better days. I've seen better days. And then the other person who helped me was a young man whose age I would place at somewhere between 12 and 15 and a half. Mm-hmm. Who was normal. Like a 17-year-old skinny teenager who was bright-eyed and tied the tree to my roof. Just needed a seasonal job. Just needed a seasonal job. College-bound.

And you know what? He did a great job. He got a $5 tip. You know what I mean? I bet he enjoyed that. Because he had the bright eyes. He's going to take it and him and his girlfriend are going to go to the – He's probably not going to spend it on candy.

No, he's going to see him and his girlfriend are going to go to see an action flick. When he says happy holidays as you drive off, he means it. He wants you to have a happy holiday. Okay. So the toothless guy was very nice as well. He was the owner of this operation. But to be fair, when the toothless guy yells, beware the shadow government as you're driving away, he means it. He means it. He does want, to be fair, when the toothless guy yells, beware the shadow government as you're driving away, he means it. He means it.

He does want you to beware. The kid who helped me, so he, like, intercepted me at the front gate. I'm with a three-year-old. I just want to look at trees until I find one I like and buy it, right? And he says, can I help you? And I'm like, we're just going to look around. Thank you very much. You know, I said very sweetly.

He said, okay. And we had not gotten 20 steps away. Do you want to just hear some facts about coniferous trees? Nope. Okay. So funny you should mention that. Random tree facts. 20 steps later, he was back in front of us offering to teach us a few things about the trees.

He identified the various trees and the one that he highlighted was the one that we ended up buying because I was so excited to have been given these tree facts. I was delighted to be upsold on this tree. It has silverish leaves on the underside. Okay. And he says to me, as though this is a question that anyone would ever answer no to, do you use lights on your tree? Oh, okay, cool.

Then you're going to want – now, this is sounding a little bit like a tree shyster to me. He says it reflects the light. Sure. And he says, this one over here, it's dark. It's going to absorb it. And then his phone rang. He said, excuse me, my phone's ringing. And he just walked away.

That's Toothless Retail 101. You can't make the teeth connection. You've got to make the connection on something else. Yeah, you put lights on your tree. You look like a guy that puts lights on your tree. Let me tell you something. If you're in New York City, Vanessa, you can walk into Bergdorf Goodman and you walk up to that, you know, like the – I was going to say the champagne counter. What happens at that establishment?

You walk up to the champagne counter. The perfume counter is what I meant to say. You walk up to the perfume counter. counter is what I meant to say. You walk up to the perfume counter. The first thing that that salesperson is going to say to you is, I can't help but notice that you have all your teeth. So do I. And you're going to have that instant bond. What is that? Crest? Colgate? Nice. Yeah. Aqua fresh. Extreme clean. It's my preferred. And yeah, you don't have that there. So you're going to have to deal with. And, you know, in this case, you're going to have this conversation.

What's the highest level of education you've achieved? And I'll say, well, I have a four-year degree and I went to graduate school for a few months. And then this kid in the red sweatshirt, he's going to go like, well, I dropped out after seventh grade, but I've read a lot about trees. Because that's what you want. Sure. You're going to make the tree fact connection. Maybe he's going to ITT Tech or something. In a lot of ways, he devoted his life.

Like dropping out at that. It's like you know you're calling. Sure. Like some people are like, yeah, I don't need to go on. I'm going to devote my life to like being a nun and serving the Lord and stuff. Like he's like, nope, trees. Yeah. That's my call. I'm going to devote myself life to being a nun and serving the Lord and stuff. He's like, nope, trees. That's my call.

I'm going to devote myself to this seasonal job. To the seasonal. Well, he didn't finish. He didn't finish dedication, so that's why he has that mindset of like, yeah, I'll devote my life to a seasonal job because he doesn't know how the rest of the year works. But maybe he's also into pumpkins. Maybe. So at least he can work at that same lot.

I need to know where this lot is because we might have to go there after, and I need to interview this young man. Yeah. Honestly, I've had a hard time finding a Christmas tree lot I liked in Los Angeles. Year after year, I'm disappointed by the selection of Christmas tree lots and I walk out of there bummed out. Because either I go to the Home Depot where – trees are decent and cheap but I feel like a jerk for going to the Home Depot. And my wife has moral obligations to it because her dad manages an employee-owned hardware store. So it's like the most evil thing you could do to buy anything at Home Depot. And then there's these weird – but the lots are always so shady.

This was the best experience I've had. I sincerely recommend this lot at Figueroa and York in Highland Park, Los Angeles. It sounds like a real hoot. Now, would I like in future to go to a lot that is operated by some sort of charity? Yes. Was I taking a walk with my baby in a stroller and I walked past a sign that said that there had been a tree sale from 8 to noon at the local elementary school today. And I felt like a real dick for having gone to a tree lot instead of going to the local elementary school. Yes, of course.

You know, all these things are true. Listen, we all feel like dicks all the time. But it was a nice place that I went to and they had pink flocking. Oh, did you get it pink flocked? I thought about buying a tree just to get it pink flocked. Sure. Like, I didn't want my primary tree to be pink flocked. Also, I'm not sure if that's child safe.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sure that sounds like something they would want to eat. But I did want it. I mean, another thing that I've thought a lot about is- Just bringing random shit in and having them flock it? Well, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. That's a great idea.

Flock the car. What about getting your baby's first shoes flocked? Sure, absolutely. And maybe if you're having a romantic night with the missus, give her a little surprise when she takes down the trousers. You've got your dick flocked. Yeah, sure. Oh, man, that sounds fun. That'll lead to some really festive sex.

I kind of wanted to buy, like, a three-foot tree to put here in the office and get it pink flocked. That'd be cute. What I really, can I tell you guys what I really want? Sure. Yeah. That'd be cute. What I really – could I tell you guys what I really want? Sure.

Yeah. I really want to get an aluminum Christmas tree of the kind where there's a light that you shine up at it that has like a kaleidoscope that goes over it so it sparkles different colors. Sounds like fun. Do you know the kind I'm talking about? I do know the kind you're talking about. It's amazing. Like a sort of like 1958 kind. Are they – it seems like that would be something that would have been found to be poisonous. Yeah.

I don't know if it maybe gives off a gas, like a nitrous, a nitrate gas. It gives us nitrous oxide. Yeah. Everybody's like – It seems like the kind of thing that like someone saw like a music box open up and have a tree with a light like kind of like going around and like, oh, that's fun. And then they tried to make it into a real thing and were just kind of like, yeah, we'll just call it. I think they're cool though. No, it is cool.

I really like them. I don't – But you would be fine with even if it was poisonous, it driving everyone in the office slowly insane. Oh, yeah, because they'd be happy. Oh, yeah. That's what's important. It's nitrous oxide.

Yeah. People would be having a nightmare, but it would be a happy nightmare. Holiday cheer. Yeah. Until they just decide to take a leap out the window because God will catch them. I literally was on Etsy the other day, paging through page after page of 1950s artificial Christmas trees, thinking about whether I could make the move. But you know how much they cost? Fucking $350.

Really? You're dropping $350? Now, that – Does that come with the lights? That's the kind where it also has the light that you put down at the base. You can't put lights on it because it's a fire hazard. I'm also guessing that'll be – the replacement bulbs for that are probably a little bit tough to find. I'm thinking about all these cool kids who show movies in their yards on these projectors.

Overhead projector store. You don't have to go to like a typewriter repair store to do that. Luckily, there is a typewriter repair store down the street from my house. God bless them. I think if you're a fun couple without kids, you are required to have a projector that you show movies on in your backyard. Yeah. That's like if you guys aren't going to have kids, you got to get this projector and show movies in your backyard. And you know what else?

Fucking put some fun stuff on popcorn. Don't just give me buttered popcorn. Like bare minimum. Put a little flocking on that. A little talc. Walk a flock of flame. That's what I say. I think you got to have some of that yeast popcorn.

You know what I'm talking about? Sure. That's your healthy option. I feel like Vanessa just almost winked at me about yeast popcorn. I kind of did. And then thought better of it halfway through. Oh, no, no. I kind of did.

But there was also I had like an eyelash here too. So it was the unintentional wink that I was hoping you didn't notice. But clearly it did. Combo platter. Well, then how do you feel about yeast popcorn then? Well, I was kind of disappointed because you said, you know, give us some fun options. And then you start with like yeast popcorn. Well, I'm getting to the not healthy options.

The whole point is you have to have a selection. Okay. Well, then let's get past the safe shit then. Let's get down to business. Cheesy garlic popcorn. Okay. Now I'm listening. I'm interested.

Maple syrup. Nuts and caramel popcorn. Okay, now I'm listening. I'm interested. Maple syrup. Nuts and caramel popcorn. There you go. That's three great popcorns. All pretty straightforward. Anyone can do that at home. Any fun couple with a projector, they're going to show Back to the Future. They're always going to show Back to the Future.

Except when they're showing Jurassic Park. Poltergeist on Halloween. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a fun get-together. Now, speaking of the holiday season, on our drive over here, sometimes

I like to pick up the guest. Sure, that way you can conspire against me. Sure, exactly. We're going to have these great jokes that Jesse totally isn't in on. And then when his back is turned, exactly. We're going to have these great jokes that Jesse totally isn't in on. And then when his back is turned, shank. Vanessa, you recently watched the En Vogue Christmas special? I did. What?

Okay, so Lifetime. Whoa, hold on, Jordan. It should be noted, it's not a special. It was a Lifetime movie. I believe it was called like the En Vogue Christmas movie, which is still not the creative title. Wait, whoa. Yes. Yeah, it's a thing. Is it fictional? Christmas movie, which is still not the creative title. Wait. Whoa. Yes. Yeah.

It's a thing. Is it fictional? Kind of. I mean, yes, but- Based on true events. Well, no. Okay. Is En Vogue in it?

No, no. En Vogue is in it, minus Dawn, of course. I was about to say, is Dawn in it? Okay. Yeah. No, she's not in it, but they also- She's in a separate Christmas movie with Raphael Sadiq, the Lucy Pearl Christmas movie. I would love if that were a thing.

I'm in. So, yeah, she's not in it, but they also don't address that she's, like, missing from the group. Okay. And it's just kind of – Is this recent? Yes, it's recent. David Alan Greer is prominently featured in it. That's great.

Good work, Dag. Yeah. And so it's kind of like the whole thing is kind of like in vogue saves Christmas. Like it starts off with this girl who grew up with her dad. After Ernest died. There's no one around to save Christmas. So, yeah. She kind of has a – like she grew up and her father and her uncle, David Alan Greer, owned like this club somewhere.

It was like, you know, like the Opry type thing. And that En Vogue would play and she would somehow sell popcorn because I guess that timeline made sense. Vanessa, I don't mean to interrupt you here, but I do exactly mean to do that. Yes. The Opry? That's what they called it in the thing. They called it thery? That's what they called it in the thing. They called it the Opry. That's what it was called in the film.

Wow. Yes. This movie is great! Yeah. You would think so. So then she realizes the theater's about to go under and she's been stuck in her career. She became like a publicist or something. And then she realizes like, oh, I can't let this go under.

This meant so much to my father who died. No. Okay. So it's not set in 1992 and En Vogue were popular? No. So it starts off there, but then it jumps to present day. And so she takes it upon herself to like, well, if I'm going to save this place that my father loved, I got to get the girls back together.

So she tracks down. Does 1992 En Vogue doesn't have any mention of Dawn? No, no, no. They don't have any mention of Dawn. They show them at the first scene, like, on stage. They're retconning En Vogue. Yeah. Oh, and Dawn was, like, upset about it. Like, she was tweeting about, like, they should have had me

she didn't want to be in the film, but she wanted to get paid and have her, like, likeness in the film. Like a CGI version? Yeah. She wanted to get paid for them using her name and everything. Soess in the film. Like a CGI version? Yeah, and she wanted to get paid for them using her name and everything. So they just didn't. So then this girl has to go and she has to track down

the other three members who are all doing... One's trying to work on a solo album with a manager boyfriend who's just using her for her money. The other one is teaching... Trying to get at that En Vogue money. Yes. My favorite part of the whole thing... You're never going to get like teaching. Trying to get at that En Vogue money.

Yes. My favorite part of the whole thing. You're never going to get it. Never going to get it. My favorite part of the whole thing is like they find,

I think it's like Terry Ellis, who's, she's teaching kids and the kids just come in and be like, but oh my God, I can't believe you're,

I mean, you've won a Grammy and En Vogue did, like she just kind of gives all of their stats as if it were a normal line that a child would be saying in any given day with a music, like a voice coach she's had this whole time. Kids love En Vogue.

Yeah. Look, I got a three-year-old. He'll come up to me. He wants to talk funky divas. He's coming at me. He's like, let's talk about En Vogue. Let's talk about their Grammys. Let's talk about their collaborations.

Let's talk about were they friends with Tony, Tony, Tony or rivals? You know, I think – I mean if you go on YouTube, you see all these young kids who have made models of En Vogue in Minecraft. Yeah, exactly. And I think that is a testament to their staying power. And even some who have made models of Lucy Pearl because they love Dawn so much. Dawn is the hot one. Yeah. I mean they're – none much. Don is the hot one. I mean, none of them is a homely woman.

They brought in, they had the woman that, I forget her name, I want to say it was like maybe Rhonda or something. They brought in to replace Don after Don left the group. Like she was also... I thought they went from four to three after Don left the group. I don't, I mean, there were three in the film, but I feel like it was someone that they

brought in late, so I don't know. Okay. Yeah. So they are playing pretty fast and loose with the whole idea of En Vogue. Like, they ended up having to dedicate more time to David Allen Greer than I think they wanted to. Well, you know, you got to. Because with the girls, it was kind of

all over the place, and then like, I don't know. It was kind of the best. But anyways, they end up performing. They save this, like, I guess opera house or whatever the fuck, this place that her dad owned kind of and, like, blew gambling money on to find out. The Grand Ole Opry. Yeah. That's pretty much – I think they, like, called it that at some point.

Nashville's legendary Grand Ole Opry. Oh, and two, they try to show that it's like modern. I mean, when you think about the Grand Ole Opry, Dolly Parton, Waylon Jennings. Waylon Jennings, certainly. Earl Scruggs. Ed Vogue, Paula Abdul. And MC Scat Cat. They all got their start.

They were all busking on the street. You probably don't know this, Vanessa, but you know the song by Boyz II Men, Motown Philly? Of course I do. It's about the Grand Ole Opry so with the thing they need you to know in this film is it's like it's all about En Vogue now and so now like it gets announced on the interwebs to

everybody that En Vogue's gonna do a reunion show and Twitter starts going wait is this in the world of the movie this is the world of the movie Twitter starts going crazy that doesn't seem that far-fetched. I think if that happened. But they have it on a screen pulled up and the girls are watching and they're just like reading comments. And it's almost like they shut down the fucking internet because people are just, they can't believe it that En Vogue is getting back together.

Hashtag black Twitter. Yeah. But it's all about like, it's somehow. Twitter shuts down when Bebe's Kids runs on BET. I don't see why it wouldn't when En Vogue gets back together. Fair enough. I was going to make a Bebe's Kids joke, but I thought it would be racist. You thought it would be.

But it does shut down Twitter. Quality film. But no, I think that—I think with a combination of the enthusiasm of black Twitter and just the internet's love of the 90s, I do think that's not that far-fetched. I think if the En Vogue reunion got announced, it would be a pretty significant seismic event online. I mean they have been touring – here's the thing. En Vogue have been touring very heavily. Yeah, maybe they're not broken up. Since their – yeah, like the absence of their

most beautiful member slash lead singer has not stopped En Vogue. Clearly, it's film. Yeah, and so... They should tour with the dead Kennedys that don't have Jello Biafra just to be like, here's everyone but the one you want to see.

It takes some sophistication in your en vogue fandom to know that the big issue is that Dawn is missing. Sure. It's like if Tony, Tony, Tony

got back together without Raphael Sadiq because he was busy being in Lucy Pearl with Dawn, who also quit Lucy Pearl, by the way. I don't want anybody to get the wrong idea. I believe Joy then joined Lucy Pearl. But like let's say Dwayne Wiggins was being the lead singer for the reunited Tony, Tony, Tony. I don't think it shut down the internet.

But I don't think people would have the sophistication to understand that Raphael Sadiq is missing. Yeah, but I think with all these kind of 90s things, unless you have a very powerful presence in that part, people just kind of want to hear the hits. They kind of don't care if it's the original keyboard player from Smash Mouth when they go to Summerfest. With En Vogue, too, I think like people want to hear the hits. But they're also just happy to hear them sing whatever. Just like if you go – like if you went to see – I know there's a couple of Boyz II Men that don't tour with Boyz II Men. Like I think they're friendly. What's it?

Michael Bacari, I believe. Yeah. Yeah, he don't tour with boys to men? Like, I think they're friendly. What's it? Michael Bacari, I believe. Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't tour. Which, because I think, and I looked this up, I think it's due to... Thank God. Well, no. It was, it's not Scully. It's something that affects, it's something that doesn't sound too crazy, but he stopped

touring because of it. Is he a hunchback now? No, no, no. But I'm like, but he's the dude that's like, all he can, he can walk out there and just talk. Like, he's not doing any like, but he's the dude that's like all he can, he can walk out there and just talk. Like he's not doing any like, you know, Wanye type vocal tricks.

They can, even if he has to be like wheelchair bound for like an extreme condition, they can wheel him out. He can, you know, say his sentence or two and then peace out.

I don't understand if it's keeping him from. Is he the one who like talks to the ladies? Yeah. Girl. Like, yeah, he's the girl guy. Sure, he does that.

In those R&B groups, was there one guy who was in charge of that? I feel like for the most part... Or did they spread that around? Anyway. No, I feel like there was kind of a designated guy, but I... Well, a lot of times you want...

There's two different people that you're going to throw that duty to, I think. Your first person is your Justin Timberlake, your charismatic front man, your main guy. Not all not all groups have that guy. You know, some everybody's equal. Look, the spinners have two head lead singers. OK, but a lot of groups will have one guy who's obviously the main guy and he probably sings tenor and he's probably the sings the lead on most of the songs.

You know what I mean? So that guy can break out. But then you got your bass. Your bass is going to bust out with that from time to time one way or another because a bass singer in most of these groups doesn't do that much singing. Like mostly just will occasionally go boom, boom. But he has the ability to step out at any moment and just go, damn, girl. You know, like just bring it in, Muffled Tones of Barry White style.

God, I love this subject of conversation. I want to ask about how was Christmas involved? It doesn't seem like it was. like it was okay so i think the idea was by saving this theater that meant so much to this girl and her father who she later found out like loss was gonna lose it because he blew money in a gambling debt um it saved this like community somehow and also it showed because in the movie because the community the the the opry or the Opera, this was like – Yeah, whichever place it was. You know, like this is like a Ford plant to Flint, Michigan.

Right. Like this is keeping – it's a company town. Everybody wound there. It's a company town. Yeah. Well, in the movie too, it wasn't portrayed – like En Vogue was kind of reluctant to get back together because they're like, I don't know. I mean we kind of had a difficult – like she had to really kind of convince them. And then when they saw the social media outcry, they were like, we have people who care.

Let's go do this. So it kind of helped En Vogue have – believe in themselves as a unit. So En Vogue were inspired to rally for their fans. Yeah. That rally saved the opera or the opera. Yeah, whichever place. Which in turn saved the town that was about to go under around Christmas time, therefore saving Christmas. Am I right about that? They lost their spirit and they lost their soul.

Sure. And Vogue helped them find their way back. Jesse, you have a question. I have a question. Was Charles S. Dutton in it or am I – I just wish he was. I think you just wish he was. I think you just wish he was. I'm sorry though. Now, Vanessa, you – in addition to the Envogue Christmas movie –

They don't have that kind of budget. No, I don't want to get off the topic of the Envogue. I have more questions about the Envogue. Jordan, come on. It's like if Vanessa had come in here and said she just watched a Lifetime movie about all the characters from Street Fighter getting together and saving Christmas, you would have questions. I would watch that as well. That would be great, yeah.

This is- A very Street Fighter Christmas. This is very important to 11-year-old Jesse right now. I understand. Okay? Now, look. Do I prefer Tony, Tony, Tony? Yeah.

But did I love En Vogue? Yes. Okay. Give me some idea. We know Dagg is a great actor because he went to the Yale School of Drama. Yes. Give me some idea of the acting performances we saw from the second, third, and fourth best members of En Vogue. It was a lot of them receiving compliments and then going, oh, thank you so much.

You're just too kind. Like acting like – Just the same way they act at their state fair shows. Yeah, at their state fair shows. Is that where it is in both places these days? State fair shows? They knew it was in the script. They knew they were going to get like a gigantic compliment of someone being like, oh, my god.

I can't believe I'm meeting you. I mean you've been nominated for Grammys. And then they just had to be like, oh, that's just so sweet of you. I don't even know what to say. This is just all so surprising. Now, were there any moments like, oh, that's just so sweet of you. I don't even know what to say. This is just all so surprising. Were there any moments like, okay, that seems like that's super doable. Were there any moments of either high comedy or like high drama that they had to play? Does anyone have to hold someone who's just slipped their wrists in a bathtub, for instance?

No. I mean I feel like that's the kind of scene you do if you have Dawn because she can pull that shit off. Yeah, sure. But it was more like for one of the members, like the newer one, it was a conflict between like – she has a daughter now and she has this other life and she's not about that in vogue life anymore. And her daughter was just like, but how come I'm the last to know? was just like, but how come I'm the last to know? I saw it all over the internet because it's everywhere that you guys were reuniting and you didn't tell me, like your own daughter, and so it creates like a tense situation where she's just like, the music business can be rough and I don't want my daughter.

Sure, to grow up around that. Yeah, to grow up around that. Do they sing any holiday favorites? There's not holiday favorites, but they do get into the, you know, Hold On. Right. Do you think, it seems like maybe Christmas was retroactively shoved into this.

Yes, I think it was, but I also think it's that thing, like, with Lifetime, like, I watched the Aaliyah movie, which was terrible, and since it's, like, unauthorized by certain members, like, I think with Dawn not signing off, and I don't know how the licensing works with the music, they can only do certain songs. Like for the Aaliyah one, they could do a song that was off of like a soundtrack. It was just Aaliyah singing Camp Town Races.

Pretty much. Because like they could only use a song that was off of a soundtrack and not off of one of her specific albums or they could use. My favorite part in the Aaliyah movie was when R. Kelly asked her to marry him, found out it was illegal because she was too young, and then suggested they record an album of Stephen Foster classics. After the Ball. Her rendition of After the Ball is just amazing. Soulful. Soulful.

So soulful. after the ball is just soulful soulful so soulful um i would love to go to this is what en vogue have 2014 even without don robinson if you said to me jesse i've got an extra ticket to the en vogue holiday concert that sounds fucking great to me that's the thing that they're delivering i feel like they have a lifetime, just like, you know, there's a whole group of entertainers

who, like, they're just pre-sold. Like, they can be, I bet En Vogue, when they're not doing state fairs,

I bet they all star in black theater, touring black theater productions. Oh, sure. You know one of those kind of things I'm talking about? Yeah.

Like, that made Tyler Perry famous? Like, their fucking ticket is stamped, you know? Yeah. Like the Leverts. Mm-hmm. You know, the whole Levert family.

The Winans. You know, the Winans are just, they're in business. They don't have to worry about it. They're set. How did this... I just want to, I should note that

I believe they did do Silent Night because I'm remembering a scene where they're like rehearsing. They're doing Silent Night and the girl who's like kind of gets them all together. She's just kind of looking at them shaking her head of like, oh, man, it's just so beautiful. I'm kind of teary-eyed. So they do – I think they do touch on some Christmas hits.

Was it a classic arrangement or a contemporary style? Oh, it was a classic arrangement. It wasn't funky at all? They're classic ladies. No. That one they decided to – I've heard these divas are somewhat funky. Now tell me how – because you're a semi-regular watcher of Lifetime Entertainment.

I'm a big fan of Failure. Lifetime and Hallmark or just Lifetime, but I did have a friend who was in the Hallmark movie that was on last week, a Christmas one, about a beagle puppy that ends up taking Anne Heche and a bunch of people on a Christmas adventure. So I did watch that, but I also— If that was a fake synopsis you came up with for a sketch, that would not be better. Okay, so I did watch it because I had a friend on it, but I was also— You were friends with the beagle? I better. Okay. So I did watch it because I had like a friend on it. Sure. But I was also, it was at the same time. You were friends with the Beagle? I wish. Yeah.

Like at the same time as the Walking Dead finale. Sure. And so I was slipping back and forth. And so it's kind of like a murky picture of like. They've blended together. No, they did. It was a thing of like, well, I hope Rick has a great Christmas. Like it just ended up.

So I didn't see the film in its entirety, but I hit like the bullet points of both things I was watching. I would fucking love to be in one of those Hallmark movies. That would be great. Wouldn't that be great? I mean you already live the dream of getting killed in a horror film. Yeah. It's true. What was it called?

Faces of Death 2? Yeah. Faces – yeah. Yeah. Go to your local video store. Buy the pornos. There's an old VHS of me falling off a bridge. The ABCs of Death 2, now available on demand.

I still haven't seen it. Does anyone want to come over to my house and watch it? Anyway, just putting that out there. You guys can or the audience can. I don't want to. I'm afraid to. Sure. Scares me.

Don't want to see my friend Jordan get killed. No, but it'll be okay because I'll be sitting there next to you. Yeah, you'll know how it turned out. You'll know it's not real. Will you squeeze me tight? Yeah. I'll tell you. Here, I'll tell you when the scary part is coming up.

You can put your head under the blanket and I'll tell you when it's over. And I'll also tell you if there's any kissing. Ooh. Yeah. So you can make sure to watch very closely. Anyway. Oh, I was going to ask. Oh, by the way, did everything turn out okay with Anne Heyshen, the Christmas puppy?

Oh, yeah. Great. Yeah. She kind of realized that even after divorce, like, she has her kids and this great community around her. And she's going to be just fine. What about the zombies? Are they okay? There were some casualties with the zombies.

They did not. But to be fair, the puppy was in the car. You wouldn't believe it. The gas ran out. So Anne Heche and her kids. She had to suck and fuck for money. Yeah. How did the Invoke Christmas special stack up to other recent Lifetime movies?

Not as good as the Aaliyah movie. Well, the Aaliyah movie was – I mean it was terrible, but it was just – yeah, it was kind of like, hey, so here's the best we can do without people saying we can tell parts of her life. So it was kind of – that's what it was. But En Vogue was just very – it felt very like Scooby-Doo to me of just kind of this cartoony premise of we're going to get the whole gang back together and we're going to save this place. But I love the regular Lifetime movies because it's always something that starts like small of – like this teenage girl is like, I'm going to send my boyfriend a sexy picture. And then for no reason, he sends it to the whole school. And then so she spends like 10 minutes on her computer before deciding she's going to kill herself. And then the mom's got to spend the next hour and a half of the movie getting like revenge and justice for her daughter, starting with the high school principal. And it's just all of these extremes.

Oh, and then the mother of the girl that drove her to it is like, I'm going to protect my daughter by any means necessary. So it's always, yeah. So then it becomes. So what starts with a simple sext turns an entire town into murderous maniacs. Everyone's revenging each other. And no one at the police, like none of the cops are on her side except for one guy who thinks, no, like she's a mother. She knows her daughter better than anyone. There's got to be something to this.

And that guy, Kevin Sorley. Yeah. I mean, this sounds like a really compelling plot, but it seems like a weird way to tell the behind the scenes story of Saved by the Bell. Oh, that was awful, too. You know, I gave that one a shot. Yeah. They were so trying not to let on that they're Canadian, but they were so bad at it. Yeah.

Everyone was, oh, sorry. One of those sorries will slip out. Sorry, Zach. Yeah. I got 20 minutes in and had to turn it off. I kind of thought there would be some sort of kind of campy fun to it other than the Canadian-ness, but I don't know. Couldn't do it. Seemed too boring to me.

You know, they shot that at our friend Dave Shumka from Stop Podcasting Yourself's office. Oh, interesting. Yeah. He would just sort of sneak in while they were shooting it. Yeah. I don't want to watch the Saved by the Bell movie. I like this Funky Divas holiday extravaganza a lot better. I think I just need

I'm going to talk to the audience for a little bit, guys. Okay. Yeah. Hey, Los Angeles area. Yeah. I need eight gay guys

to come over to my house periodically. I'm making mimosas. Right. I'm making drinks. Right. Beers. Right.

Apps. Right. Come on over and help me appreciate what it really means to goof on a lifetime movie i'm just in my fucking house with my cat i'm not going to get the full experience well here's kind of how i saw just need eight gay guys the save by the bell lifetime movie was like okay so there's two videos of dustin diamond basically jerking off this is the lesser of the evils. Because it was – he was a producer on it. So it was very much like – and I think it was based off of a book that he did.

So it was very much his story of the way things happen. And even like if you saw the first couple of minutes where it starts and he goes, timeout. And like then tells Zach to step aside. He's like, my timeout. This is my story. It's very like, oh, he's off the rails. Sure. This is the story they didn't want you to hear.

Yeah. This is the story you needed to tell because you needed the money. But the brave troubadours at Lifetime. Dustin Diamond is an unstoppable entertainment force, whether he's writing books, producing movies, or telling off-color jokes about disabled people on our show in 2002. What? Yeah. He was one of our first big guests on our college radio show and was just a really weird. Yeah.

Awful. I would say he was awful. Sure. He's probably wicked. Yeah. I saw Mr. Belding at a bar once and he seemed really nice. Yeah. He was having a lot of fun doing karaoke wearing Crocs.

Hey, you know, Dave and Graham are friends with the guy who played Mr. Belding in the movie. He was on Stop Podcasting Yourself. Terrific. Yeah. I don't want to play somebody. When I say that I want to be in one of these movies, I don't want to be in the Aaliyah story. I don't want to be in something sordid. I want to be in something starring a puppy, and I don't want to be the funny one.

I just want a real job in like a – I want a few lines. I want one scene. But I'll just be a guy that works in a diner or whatever. That's fine. You know what? I think I would – hearing the story of the sexed revenge, I was thinking of a part for myself. I could be like the evil hacker that distributes it. Oh, yeah.

That would be pretty good. That sounds fun. I have a smoky lair where I have my servers. You got an enhance button? Yeah, I got an enhance button. There's a lot of action figures around, but not anything that would require licensing. So it's a bunch of just generic monsters. Just dollar store wrestling figures.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like just dinosaurs you get from the museum. And yeah, and I just love, I hate women so much and I just want to destroy them. Tell me about it. So I intercept this sex. Let's talk about this movie you want to be in though. I intercept the sext from America Online. I hack into America Online, intercept the sext,

distribute it to the entire school. And then mom murders me with one of those home bread makers. Sticks my head in it. Sticks your head in there and then puts the lid on top and presses start. Puts in the yeast

and then leaves my head there for 16 hours. Leaves you to proof. I mean, if you're willing to pay your way to Canada, I feel like that's a very real possibility. Oh, yeah. I will fly myself out there. I'm not making any money off this.

No, I don't care to make money off of it. Yeah. I just want to be a star. I know. Yeah. Is that too much to ask? Sure. No, it's not.

Just go to Vancouver to become a star? It's not. Yeah. Get off the bus. Vanessa, of all of these things that you've ever seen, what did you find to be the most enjoyable?

Let's see. Like, at some point, they all start to run together, but there's a lot of... You know the movie Double Jeopardy? No. Okay.

So, have you seen Double Jeopardy? I have not seen Double Jeopardy. So it's basically... The Alex Trebek story. Yes. Well, yeah. It's like Ashley Judd and her husband fakes his death and like this whole thing and then she finds out he ran off with like her friend is living this other life. So that's kind of where all Lifetime movies come from is like a husband faking their death. So there's a semi-credible movie out there that all these other movies are just trying to leech off of. Yeah, that they kind of, but all they do is like amp up the craziness of it.

I want to be in like a non-religious Christian movie. Oh, that would be fun. Like I don't really want to be in one of those Kirk Cameron movies. But one of the nice ones. Yeah, what are the non-religious ones then? I want to be in one. Well, I don't mind if God makes an appearance by demonstrating the power of providence and prayer. Sure.

I just don't want to be in one of those ones that's about like how amoral creationists are. Sure. I mean evolutionists are. Like a puppy thing. Like I want to be in like one of the Thomas Kinkade movies, like the movies that are based on Thomas Kinkade paintings. Based on the beloved painting. of the Thomas Kinkade movies, like the movies that are based on Thomas Kinkade paintings? Oh, yeah. Based on the beloved painting. Like you go and you hang out, you have some crafty.

Sure. You know what I mean? You probably get to wear a fun sweater in the movie. You get to wear a nice sweater. There's some cheese doodles. You know what I mean? Or you're like a biker guy or something. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And they give you some leathers. You put them on. You're like, hey, I'm a biker guy or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. And they give you some leathers. You put them on. You're like, hey, I'm a biker guy. So, Jesse, you want to be a biker guy who maybe comes to Christ, although they don't explicitly say it. You just say that you're going to turn your life around. It's kind of a general sort of Christianity. Right. I would like to be the evil hacker that distributes sexts through hacking into America online.

Vanessa, your choice? I think I want to be the kind of nosy friend that just so happens to encourage the person just going, well, I called in a favor for my brother's friend at the police station. And he was able to find out that Susan used to go by Amy. I want to be that person. Also, based on what you were saying about the type of movie you want to be in, I feel like you want to be in something that stars someone who was on Party of Five. Oh, sure. Yeah, that's the like plight of the like 90 star who didn't take off. It's like just kind of semi-ironically appearing in.

The limbo that is Lifetime and Hallmark. Anne Heche, though. Yeah, that's a pretty steep fall, right? She was like a movie star for a little bit, right? Is she a mad woman? Is that one of the issues with Anne Heche? I think so. I think she's a Robert Downey Jr.-esque or a pre-comeback Robert Downey Jr.-esque,

like public drunk, right? Confirmation. I don't know. Hard to say. Good work, Colin. Thanks for looking that up. Is Anheisha drunk? Don't make me ask Cortana.

I don't have a Windows phone anymore. You don't have a Windows phone anymore? I broke my Windows phone. Oh, what did you get? An Android. Oh, well, now you got an Android. Now I got an Android. So you're not sweating it.

Nah, I got an Android. I'm making Android money. Hey, you want to fly this helicopter I got over here? Oh, well, now you got an Android. Now I got an Android. So you're not sweating it. Nah, I got an Android. I'm making Android money. Hey, you want to fly this helicopter I got over here? Oh, nice. Are we going to Vancouver to become stars? Just so you guys know. We just land on Brandon Routh's helipad. You guys probably already knew that I'm a social media influencer.

Yeah. I recently obtained a free drone helicopter. Pretty good. From... Oh, wait. Are you going to use it to spy on Americans? No.

I'm going to use it to murder terrorists. Oh, good. That's the good kind of drone. And whoever happens to be nearby. It was given to me by a popular razor company

because they saw that I had a shaved head in my Twitter avatar. I don't really have a shaved head. I certainly don't have a home shaved head. I got a, I got a taper. I got a taper on here. Well, you use a picture of Bruce Willis for your avatar, right?

That's true. I do use a picture of Bruce Willis. You just want people to think you play rock harmonica at the openings of Planet Hollywood. Um, I, I don't know. I prefer the All-Star Cafe. Thank you very much. Oh, okay. Wayne Gretzky, Kangaroo Junior.

I don't remember who else. Michael Jordan? There was a cartoon where Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and I think Bo Jackson used their sports powers to defeat aliens. Bo Jackson was definitely involved in that. How was that related to the All-Star Cafe? I don't know, and Colin hasn't told us. Was it How was that related to the All-Star Cafe? I don't know, and Colin hasn't told us. Was it a cartoon made to promote the All-Star Cafe? This is what happens when Sonny D goes on vacation.

The whole fucking house of cards falls apart. We don't know if Anne Heche is a drunk. We don't know who was involved in the All-Star Cafe, the sports answer to the Hard Rock Cafe. Which later led to Fashion Cafe. Fashion Cafe? Yeah, that was a spinoff of the- That's a Tyra Banks joint, right? I feel like it was some model around that time period because I was at the All-Star Cafe when I saw a pink ad for the Fashion Cafe.

Sure. And I don't think Fashion Cafe lasted long. Maybe a Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell. The idea was that it would just be couples trading favors indefinitely into the future. I like that. I think that's fun. Okay. Well, we've resolved nothing.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hello, I'm Taco, the elephant magician. Moral High Church here, the master of clerical magic. I'm Magnus Burnside, the fighter. Did you guys like that? Did you, the listener, like that? You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy and magic where anything can happen

and anything is possible. Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy, Dungeon Master for the Adventure Zone, a new podcast on Maximum Fun in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-playing experience. You can catch it every other Thursday here on MaximumFun.org or iTunes. It's for Dungeons & Dragons, but with family.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Go fuck yourself. No, no. Oh, sorry. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Email waitlist at MaximumFun.org. Backslash. Go fuck yourself. No, no, Jordan. Waitlist at MaximumFun.org. Sorry, I'm just really aggro today.

I'm juicing. Well, sure. You're getting Jack LaLanne on us. Oh, yeah. That's the problem. Yeah, I'm going to pull a bus later. Waitlist at MaximumFun.org. Tell us your phone number and the number of people in your party because this is the first year we've had – we offered people the chance to reserve their slot at last year's MaxFunCon for this year's MaxFunCon. And we expect that some of those people will ultimately not use the slot that they reserved.

So by a few weeks from now, we will be starting to call people from the wait list. So wait list at MaximumFun.org if you want to come to MaxFunCon, which you probably should hang out – come hang out with me and Jordan. Let's get down to brass tacks, Jordan. I'd love to. Love them brass tacks. Yum hang out with me and Jordan. Let's get down to brass tacks, Jordan. I'd love to. Love them brass tacks. Yum, yum. No, Jordan.

You don't eat brass tacks. Well, now you tell me. You use them for upholstery. I could also sprinkle them on ice cream. Well, you can. They call them jimmies in the Midwest, I believe. That's what they call chocolate sprinkles. Well, now I'm confused.

Okay. So, Vanessa, maybe you can lend me a hand here. Brass tacks are like little devices that you push into things. They're pokey. They're very pokey. And then chocolate sprinkles are like little pieces of chocolate that make a great thing to put on top of a sundae, for example. That's how I've understood those two things, yes. So like you could use chocolate sprinkles or jimmies to do upholstery, but they'd probably melt.

You'd be back to zero. You could put the tacks on the ice cream, but the problem that you're going to have there is they're going to really poke the heck out of your mouth. Okay. So I'm feeling a little bit silly. I do see now that these are two different things. Will chocolate sprinkles make a bloody wasteland out of my rectum? In mass quantities, I feel like lots of things will.

You're probably right. Okay. So that's what you're looking for? Guys, I'm just going on a juice cleanse. This all seems like too much work. Yeah. And I will talk about it. If something momentous happens to you, like say your rectum is turned into a bloody waste plant, we want you to call us.

206-984-4FUN is our telephone number for our segment Momentous Occasions. Let's take a listen to our first call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. My four-year-old son just told my wife, excuse me, I have to go visit Mr. Poopoo's house, and then went in the bathroom to poop.

I'm pretty proud of him. Okay. Bye. That's cool, man. That's great. So, to that kid, the bathroom is where poop lives? Yeah. I'm just trying to get a sense of the reality he's trying to create. Or he's just a super funny kid. Yeah.

My son's three. He makes jokes, but his jokes are just he says something that's not happening is happening, and he goes, I'm just joking. That's pretty good. This kid could sell a sitcom to CBS just off of this alone. Called Mr. Poo-Poo's House. If he could get Burt Reynolds involved, why not? Sinbad or someone else from the 90s crossing their arms.

What if Sinbad is forced, a series of contrivances to room with Josh Gad. And then they. If you got Josh Gad, you can't not sell a sitcom. And then, hold on, then they have to, you know, go into the bathroom fixture business, Mr. Poo-Poo's house. I love it. Brilliant. How much money do I owe this kid? Does he get EP credit?

How much do you owe the kid or how much do you owe Josh Gad? Because you're going to have to get out your checkbook to get Josh Gad. I know. I'm prepared to pony up for Gad. I'm just like wondering what's the fair way to cut this kid in. Because, I mean, he came up with the name and the general vibe of the show. Consultant? Yeah, there you go.

I like that. That's fair. It's appropriate for his age. Yeah. Jordan, we're talking about we're not talking about post-Balls of Fury Josh Gad. We're talking about post-Frozen Josh Gad. I'm not worried about paying for Gad, Jesse.

This is the second apex of Josh Gad's career. I know. They say there are no second hacks in American life. But when you voice a funny talking snowman in Frozen. He actually does a really good job in Frozen. Oh, sure. Josh Gad's funny.

He is funny. He's a talented guy. That's why he keeps getting these opportunities. To be. To be paired with Simbad. Speaking of opportunities, you know what I think would be a good idea? What if we put together a television pilot with Teo Leone?

I like it. Call me crazy. I don't know. It's just an idea I have. Okay, let's hear our next call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is James in Denver. I was just driving around downtown, and I saw a guy walking

a reindeer like a dog. So that was pretty momentous. All right, have a good one. Bye. Denver, huh? Sounds like this guy was stoned. Ha! They legalized weed.

Yeah, either that or he's not actually in Denver. He's actually at the North Pole. Yeah, because he got too stoned. He's too stoned. He was in Denver, and then he accidentally got on a plane to the North Pole. Yeah. Everything I learned from Lifetime, this guy is on his way to save Christmas. The guy walking the reindeer, wherever his end point is, that's where he's saving Christmas.

He's in the process of saving Christmas. Yes. Wow. Well, I guess this year, when we're all, you know, round the hearth, opening up our presents. He just, he gets there. He opens the door. Inside, on the left-hand side, Kirk Franklin. On the right-hand side, sounds of blackness.

Music swells! Christmas is saved! Oh, man. Thank you, walking reindeer guy. We have one more call, Colin. Let's take a listen. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Ian calling from New Haven, Connecticut. And it's about 4 in the morning on a very cool, crisp autumn day. And I'm driving home from my crappy job through downtown New Haven.

through downtown New Haven, and I just saw somebody parachute down from the sky onto the street. Right into downtown. Came in through kind of where a parking garage is, and I don't know where they came from. I don't know where they're going. Just kind of hit the ground running. Took a corner, dropped the parachute and kept running. I don't know if this is a new D.B. Cooper or some sort of extreme sport thing, but I don't know. It's pretty exciting.

It's an extreme sport called parachute bolting, where you parachute in, then you bolt. Yeah. Well, I mean, I feel like that's a thing. It's like guys put on the GoPro, they scale some sort of building they're not supposed to be on, they do some base jumping, they run from the cops and then they put it on YouTube. And this is a genre. This is a thing. He's a New Haven Connecticut. That was the thing

that didn't add up to me too! He's a New Haven daredevil. Off the Yale library? Yeah. Off the top floor? We live in a time to where a human falls Off the Yale library? Yeah, off the top floor. We live in a time to where a human falls from the sky and we're inconvenienced. Yeah. More so than like, holy shit. It's like, oh, look at this asshole.

Oh, come on. Who do you think you are? That guy's got to be careful about, I mean, New Haven is a tough town. That guy's got to be careful about his parachute. One time our friend Tyler McNiven was, what's that thing, paragliding? Parasailing? Parasailing. Parasailing? The one where you fly through the air, but with a parachute.

Was a boat towing you? No, you're not getting pulled by a boat. Okay. Well, I don't know what this is. Parasailing. Is that parasailing? Hang gliding. Hang gliding?

No, not hang gliding. Wingsuit. That's where you're on a hang glider. Okay. No, I'm talking about with a parachute. Okay, so she's jumping off something with a parachute then. So one time Tyler was doing this thing and he like ran into a cliff and like broke his, gosh, what did Tyler break? His arm or his leg?

His arm and leg or something. So he knew what to do and everything. And they took him to the hospital and got his arm or leg or whatever it was fixed, and they just left his paraglider there, and somebody stole it. It cost like $4,000. Well, you know, you're toting a guy off to the emergency room. You don't want to take the time to wrap up his-

No, you got to stuff it back time to wrap up his illegal base jumping equipment. Like a kid's sleeping bag. You know, you get to stuff it in there. Is that a paramedic's responsibility? What's going to happen? Is his arm going to break again some more? Well, I'm just saying, there could be hemorrhaging.

What's a paramedic's life worth? Less than $4,000. Sure. No, you're right. in like there could be hemorrhaging what's a paramedic's life worth less than four thousand dollars sure no you're right well i just want to see the person because if you steal it and you don't have like that experience i don't think it's for use i feel like you're going to be one of these hardcore pawn people that like has to go tell the story of like well yeah i mean this was passed on me from my grandfather the blood there i'll just disregard that it totally uh it's part of the thing. And then like the weird chicken hawk looking guy with a ponytail has to talk to his like

obnoxious son about how much they're going to offer. I'm just guessing. I mean maybe – One of those situations. This is a – what are these classic situations? This seems like – I mean maybe it's his new haven. Maybe this is just some sort of extreme whiff and poof. Maximum whiff and poof.

Yeah, they're like, fuck acapella. Fuck acapella versions of popular songs. We're going to do more illegal 4 a.m. bass jumping. Can you guys please turn off your phones, by the way? Sorry, Jesse. I'm trying to do a podcast here. You guys are getting text messages from my friend Ben. This is the worst.

Jesse, do you need to take a minute to have a conversation with Cortana? Yeah, I do. Real quick. Sorry, I got a Windows Phone 7. I don't have Cortana. Okay. You should get Cortana. It's fun.

Yeah, well, but then I – Cortana is helpful in a lot of situations. Can I tell you a secret? Before I broke mine, I relied on her a lot. I was thinking about getting a new phone because my phone is several years old and I got it for free to begin with and it's a little bit broken. But then AT&T, my provider, tried to steal a bunch of money from me. Oh, dear. And I had to fight with them for like three months or four months to get it back.

And I won eventually. But I am both paralyzed by a disinterest in changing cell phone providers and then the parallel is I don't want to reward them by buying a phone from them, I guess. So I'm just going to suffer. Yeah, on principle. Principles. Principles. So that's where I'm at. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call.

206-984-4FUN. Put it in your goddamn phone. You can put that in a Motorola Razr if you want to. You know who will stick it in there for you? Cortana. Yeah. Hey, Cortana. Here, just turn on Cortana now and we'll talk to her.

You don't even have to do it. Okay. Cortana, add Jordan Jesse Go to contacts. Thanks, fellas. I'll do that. You're looking great today. Are you the voice of Cortana or did you just play back

Cortana just now? No, I actually, I do the voice. Oh, my God. Good. What do you want me to say in the Cortana voice? I'll do it.

Um, I'm sure that, I mean, I feel a lot like when I do stuff like this, it's like, you know, when Seth MacFarlane goes on a talk show,

people just want to hear Stewie. And he just wants to sing a Frank Sinatra song. We'll do Stewie and then let me get to my show. But I'm happy to do it. I'm happy to dance the dance. So what do you want to hear in the Cortana voice? Anything?

Hold on. When you say Stewie, what's the guy who plays Stewie? Seth MacFarlane. Oh, you mean movie star Seth MacFarlane? From the movie that he starred in? Yeah. Okay. What do you want to hear?

Well, I mean, it seems like the natural thing would be like, Zune will live forever. Yeah, I can do that. Sure. That's a popular one. Zune will live forever. You're looking great today. No, don't just play it back on Cortana. No, that was me doing it.

No, come on, Jordan. I know it was on... Look, watch my mouth as I do it. Okay. I can't quite see your mouth because of the pop filter. Oh, sure. Well, you'll have to trust me. Yeah, because I don't want you to pop.

Yeah. Okay, so something else you could say is a Chevy Camaro is a great performance value. A Chevy Camaro is a great performance value. You're looking great today. Now, again, see, this is the thing. Jordan claims he can do voices, but what he really does is he just types it into his phone and then plays it back. I don't even have one. I have an Android.

It's like you don't realize we're right here. Yeah. And we can see the charade that is happening in front of us. Do you guys want to hear from – Do you think that I think David Copperfield really made the Statue of Liberty disappear? Okay. I think I can prove this to you guys. Who do you want to hear from next, Peanut or Ahmed the Dead Terrorist?

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I'm sort of like the Don Robinson of this podcast. I'm the prettiest. Sure. I have the most beautiful voice and I'm quitting. Well, I guess we could replace you or we could just soldier on without you and then you don't get to be in the Christmas movie. We're not going to even pay you for your license there. Boom. Okay. You're back in. Still the prettiest.

But you're on shaky ground. We know. We're not going to fight you on that. But I just don't want you to be wishy-washy. I want you to be committed to this, committed to our Lifetime Christmas movie, shooting tomorrow, airing next week on Lifetime. You guys hold on. I'm getting Spinderella on the phone. We need to settle this.

I don't really have Spinderella's phone. Cortana? Call Spinderella. Cortana, call Scat Cat. All right, whatever you say, mister. You're looking great today. Is she a secretary in the 50s? Yes, that's what Cortana is.

In the 50s, though. Yeah. And she's also your AI companion in the Halo series. You know why MC Scat Cat and Cortana are so close? I mean, they're both artificial intelligences that are an affront to God. I've never heard Scat Cat and intelligence. It's because opposites attract. Oh, there you go.

Okay. That's why. Cortana, call Chunky A. Vanessa, it's been a delight to have you on the program. Thank you. I've had fun. I've learned a lot about various technologies. And I genuinely miss Dawn from Invoke more than ever.

I think people will want to keep in touch with you. What would be a great way to do that? You can find me on Twitter at ThatRamosGirl, which I must explain. Yes, it's kind of a lame thing. But when I started it, I was still doing stand-up. And like your first – kind of first year or so, a lot of people don't learn names because they don't know if you're going to be around. So they just go, oh, you know that Ramos girl. Like they just kind of learn last names like you're on a softball team.

So that's where that came from. I don't really think I'm girlish. Were you on a softball team at the time? No. You should have joined. I mean, it's perfect. Yeah. I'm not athletic.

But yeah, you can find me there. And that's pretty much it aside from that I wrote on the first season of Border Town on Fox which is a Seth MacFarlane vehicle oh movie star Seth MacFarlane the very same one

and that airs we just got pushed back so that will be airing in the fall of 2015 but yeah that's kind of what I got going. 2015? Yes. Oh, that sounds great. I'm going to keep an eye out for it. Yeah.

My eyes are peeled. Very joke heavy. 206-984- Wait a minute. It's a Seth MacFarlane show that has a ton of jokes in it? And it's super joke heavy. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org is our email address.

Thanks to Colin Anderson for filling in for Sonny D this week. And thanks to Sonny D, Brian Fernandez for putting the show together. If you have thoughts about the show, you can email us. I already said that part. And our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Happy holidays, gang. Have fun with holidays. We'll talk to you next time.

You look great today. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jess, and Go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.