Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 356: Pan Project with Marc Maron

Episode Date: December 22, 2014

Comedian, writer and podcaster Marc Maron joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Marc's pan smelting ambitions, Jordan's recent wedding trip, and the companies Marc has confronted on Twitter.  Plus, Marc plays the harmonica.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Beautiful day in Los Angeles. We're celebrating the holiday season as it was meant to be celebrated together. You know, I'm feeling rather holiday-y on the way over here. I bought my first Starbucks item purchased with a thoughtless office Starbucks card. What'd you get?

I got a skim latte. I usually drink a drip coffee, but it's the holiday season. Time to branch out. Go with a skim latte. Go with a skim latte. Go with a skim latte. Add some skim milk to that thing. Why not? Yeah.

Why the fuck not, Jordan? It's Christmas. I'm using my thoughtless gift card. Do you have any thoughtless gift cards you need to use? God, I wish I could. I have a gift card. A year and a half ago, I bought my wife some slippers from L.L. Bean. And they were the wrong size, the wrong kind.

And then they didn't have the right kind. And then she got some different slippers and I returned them for a refund. This sounds like a goddamn fiasco, first of all. And they sent me a card, but I didn't have it in me to call and be like, you were supposed to give me a refund, not a card. So I've had this $70 L.L. Bean gift card sitting in my desk for the last 18 months. I don't know what to do with it. Go to L.L. Bean and buy a scarf and then throw it in the middle of the street. I want to make it.

To demonstrate your dominance. Can I tell you a scarf thing real quick before we introduce our guest? A scarf story? I'm on pins and needles. It's more of a scarf anecdote. Okay. The story of scarves on pins and needles. It's more of a scarf anecdote. Okay. The story of scarves with Jesse Thorne.

I'm looking for a scarf fable. By the way, Mark just turned, our guest Mark Maron, I'm pretty sure he just turned my headphones all the way up. Mine too. I think he just leaned over and turned my headphones way up. Is that a master? I thought it was just mine. I need more, I needed more of you in my head, Jesse. Is that a master? I thought it was just mine. I needed more

of you in my head, Jesse. Look, you turned me so... What are you talking about? I turned myself up. Now I can't... Now it's no good for me. See? We're both on the same channel. Now what? That was the master. You turned up the master.

Now I turned up the channels. The individual channels. Can you hear yourself now, Mark? No. I can't hear it that well. Mark just comes into any situation. He starts jacking with stuff, interrupts this. What I'm sure it's going to be a riveting scarf. I thought I was a professional radio person.

I followed the wire to where the hole was, and I saw the knob on the side, and I just took a shot. I mean, that is professional radio protocol. That's good. Now I can really hear myself. Now it's like distorting. Now I got a fuzz box me. Okay, good, good. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Jesse. Oh, I like this layer of fuzz. It sounds like we're an old animals album. You've got fuzz, too? Yeah, I got a little fuzz. But I like it. It kind of gives it a 60s garage feel, which I think is probably a good vibe for this podcast.

Jesse's going nuts. He can't believe that I just ruined everything. And now he's thinking like, how are we going to edit this? What is this? Tell your scarf story. What is this, a fun chat podcast or a zombies B-side? It's all this fuzz. It's more of an anecdote.

Okay. But like two or three days ago. Do you have a scarf limerick? My son- There once was a scarf from Nantucket with a huge cock. Is that a limerick? Am I wrong about that? I think that's the form of a limerick.

I think you made a jump there. I did make a little jump. In terms of meter. All of a sudden, we know where the scarf is from, and there's a cock. There was no wrapping it around the cock. Maybe the cock was cozy in the scarf. You've got to remember the five Ws. So you had who, this scarf, where, Nantucket, and what, a huge cock.

So because I have to follow the Ws, in your mind, a limerick is journalism? Yeah. In the day and age we live in now, yes. No, you're right. Yes. But with the huff pose of the world, if you hashtag it. Thank you. If you hashtag it, limerick journalism.

Sure. Would you say that it's journalism or true crime? Oh, all of the above. Does it kill the cock? Yeah. Here's my scarf anecdote. Simon, my three-year-old son, was dressing up his bear, Sandy Bear. Yeah, I've heard of this bear.

Yeah, sure. Hey, tell him to watch himself. He's regionally famous. So he's dressing Sandy Bear up. He's got Sandy Bear in like a robe and a shirt and a jacket, and he's got socks on his bear paws. Does the bear come with all of these, or are these things you buy separately like an American Girl doll or something? These are just American Girl accessories. Okay. No, these are Simon's actual-

Jesse, you're going to turn this bear gay. Simon's- If you keep dressing him up in these girl clothes. Simon's putting- It's not a choice, number one. Mm-hmm. Number two, Simon is putting his actual clothes on there. Oh, okay.

So he takes his scarf- The bear is as big as him? No. These clothes are comically oversized. Gotcha. I can picture it now. So he puts a scarf around Sandy Bear's neck, and he says, there, Sandy Bear, a scarf. Now you'll be as warm as a bear wearing a scarf.

Oh, man. Smart kid. Very smart. He is. Wow, sharp. Our teachers tell us he's very smart. He's a straight shooter, bare minimum. Yeah, he's a knack for similes, clearly.

Figurative language is like a developmental stage. It's got to be four or five. Sure, first object permanence, then metaphor. Yeah. Well, I mean, all of the elements of figurative language, metaphor, simile, synecdoche, metonymy. Onomatopoeia. Onomatopoeia. Onomatopoeia. Bam, you're wearing a scarf.

Our guest on the program, he is the host of the smash hit podcast WTF. He is the star of the IFC television program Maroon. Wait. What's wrong? What's wrong? That's not how it's pronounced. Is it not on IFC? Is it IFC? It's not how. Is it pronounced IFC? Wait. What's wrong? That's not how it's pronounced. Is it not on I-F? Is it I-F-G?

It's not how. Is it pronounced I-F-G? No. I-F-G. No. I-F-G. Marin. Jesse, it's pronounced the birthday boy.

Wait. The birthday boy. I'm going to walk. No. Don't walk. Don't walk, man. I'm going to walk. Oh, actually, you know what?

What? Please do walk. I feel like it would be – It took me so long to get here. It could be our Carlos Mencia on WTF moment. This could be the thing that – More the Gallagher moment. Yeah, I think what we've learned about podcasting is people don't like a funny show that goes well.

They want some shit to go down. That's what culture wants. Sure. We live in a culture where it's like why talk when you can argue and why enjoy anything if it's not painful and weird? We've basically had one podcast

where shit's gone down. What was that one? And it's all anybody wants to talk about. What was that one? Yeah. With the risk of talking about it again.

What happened? What? Yeah. Well, I think we don't want to exhume the corpse, but there was these webcomics guys. They were jerks.

Jerks about it afterwards. And it was, that was six years ago. That's all people want to talk about. From six years ago? You guys got to maybe perk up things. I know. Well, that's why we need a new feud.

That's why we need you to walk out on us. I'm out of here. Yeah, slurs. Say some slurs. Fuck you. Yeah. You dumb white guys. Oh, no.

Yeah. I can't take you. This is so buzzworthy. You stupid. Fuck you. Yeah. You dumb white guy. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. I can't take you. This is so buzzworthy. You stupid. This is buzzworthy. This really is innocuous hipsters rambling about garbage. Mark Maron. Hashtag Maron walkout.

Mark Maron walks. Wait, I'm back. Mark Maron thinks he's in for an interview. You'll never guess what he does next. Fuck you guys. This is compelling. Flippy, flappy, floppy. Hashtag flippy, flappy, floppy Marin.

I did it. I did it. Hashtag Marin wants it both ways. Please, RT. Coming back in. I'm here to play. Brian, can we upload that right to HuffPo? Can we just upload that?

Hold on a minute. I've got my cock out. Oh! And there's a scarf around it. Hashtag impressive, but within the normal range. Mark, it's great to have you back on the show. Welcome back, friend. Thank you, buddy.

It's nice to see you. It's nice to see you in your moccasin shoes. I am. I'm wearing a hand-stitched mock. Is it a hand-stitched mock? Absolutely, from the Arrow Moccasin Company. Okay, Jesse. I've not seen you with a beard.

It seems to be mostly working. Thank you. Which parts of it aren't working for you? The center part's working. The sides are, you know. Yeah. No, you're not off base. I'm sorry.

I mean, here's the honest truth about this beard, Mark. Yeah. B minus. Yeah. But it's an improvement over my bare chin. I know. Well, I think, well, you got to have hair somewhere, Jess. That's a good point.

I had an industrial accident with my balls. That's what Mark is referring to. So you got to keep your balls away from the smelter. I could use a smelter. Do you know anyone with a smelter? I don't. I don't know anybody who does home smelting. No, I need a major smelter.

I want to start from scratch on my cast iron pans, and I don't want to go with the easy-off oven cleaner in a bag process of stripping them with the garbage on them. But I heard if you know a guy with a smelter, you can drop those things. You can smelt it right off. Oh, smelt it right off. I was thinking about that on the way down here. I was driving through this part of downtown thinking, like, got to be a smelter somewhere within five, ten miles of this.

Is your situation that you've got a rust problem? You've got pitting? No. No, I don't have any pitting. It's just that it's gotten kind of gunky. If you keep your cast iron pan and you treat it properly, it can get gunky because you don't really clean it with soap. So the layers keep building. The other ones, I need to re-season them.

There's another way to do it through electrolysis. Did you do the thing where you put it in the oven with olive oil for like a day? There's a lot of discussion about what oil to use. But yes, you've got the basic idea of seasoning it. What oil did you end up using? It doesn't matter. It's all coming off. Linseed?

No. I took some lady's advice to use flaxseed oil. It was not the right oil to use. I've used canola, but that's a little soft. But I haven't been into the pans in a long time. But for some reason – I used olive on mine. Everything tastes great.

It's not a matter of taste, man. It didn't – Oh, you're right. No, it's a texture thing. Do you know the point – I guess I don't. – of a cast iron pan? If I were to ask you, why is a cast iron pan a good thing?

Why? To give your home a mid-century modern motif. No. Okay. It's because it can have a built-century modern motif. No. Okay. It's because it can have a built-in non-stick without Teflon. Exactly. And how do you get that non-stick?

With the process. The oil, in the process of seasoning, the oil essentially bonds to the metal and creates a carbon coating from burning it off. It burns and creates a glass like carbon coating. There you go. He burns and creates a glass-like carbon coating. There you go.

Exactly. Thanks. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest this week from Sirius Eats, Kenji Lopez-Alt. No, whatever the case. If you know a guy with a smelter, that's where it came up. Sure. I want to do some smelting. I want to dip it in the smelter.

Because there's another process where there's lye involved, a lye bath and electrolysis. But I think people explode doing it. I have some lye. Do you want some lye? What were you doing with some lye? Pretzels, making pretzels. Is that what you were doing with lye? Making pretzels.

Or was I straightening my hair? No. Were you burying somebody? Well, yeah. No, I did. So two main things. Well, yeah. No, I did.

So two main things. One was if you put it in water and you dip the pretzel in there before you cook it, it helps the outside get sort of crusty while the inside remains chewy. Is it lye bad? But, yeah. Then the other thing that I do with it is when I murder and I put some of it. You just seal them in a drum. Yeah, I seal them in a drum with the lye. With the little lye. You sprinkle them with lye.

Yeah, exactly. It's nice. It helps the body get crusty. Sure. And you want that when you're eating a body. You just have a nice hot mustard with that. The corpse of that rival drug dealer. It's got disgusting.

Can I tell you my guilty pleasure, Troy? Yeah. Okay. I'm right here. Can you tell me too? No, sir. A nice, crusty, dead body. Yeah.

But instead of a hot mustard, I like a cheese sauce. What can I say? Oh, you're bad. I love cheese sauce. You're bad. I'm bad. You're bad. I like cheese sauce and I'm a murderer.

What can I say? Guilty as charged. One of those is really bad. Yeah. No lo contendre, my friend. No contest. I stand accused and guilty. I enjoy having a little mimosa at brunch. Oh. I stand accused and guilty. I enjoy having a

little mimosa at brunch and then starting a fire. That's mine. That's my guilty pleasure. I have a little mimosa at brunch and then I masturbate at the sight of a fire I started. Mark, what does a smelter do? Don't know, man.

I just... I thought smelters melt things. They do. They melt steel. I need a steel smelter. You just need a layer gone, right? Is that what you're getting at? That's what I want to hear.

If you've got a smelter that operates at that temperature, you can put the pan in there. It'll burn off everything but the steel. You see, like if you have a steel smelter. But the iron. But the iron, yeah. You see, like, if you have a steel smelter. But the iron. But the iron, yeah.

So if I had a smelter, it would burn off all that coating of gunk, and it would be a lot easier than what I might have to go through. I think I'll probably bail on the project. Mark, are you worried one of the cats will get in there? No, Jordan, I'm not. I just got it on my mind. I've been doing some cooking with the cast iron again, and some of the surface was flaking off. And I thought, do I want to go through this shit where I got to take the easy off and do the bag thing again? It's a process to season properly if that's all you're doing. There's part of me that when I lock in in an obsessive way, that's all I'm doing.

So if I'm going to start the pan thing, people are going to say, what's up, Mark? I'm like, I'm in the middle of a pan project. That's what I'll be working on. Right. Mark, you're supposed'll be working on. Right. Mark, you're supposed to be on set. Nope. Pans. Pans in the oven for another hour.

Just have Kindler vamp. Smelting a pan. On second thought, I'll be right down. Kindler vamping. What am I? What am I, a Jew? What am I? Do I not see properly?

He's all doing this directly to camera because there's no other character in the scene. Is there something wrong with the way I talk? So, yeah, that's a smelter idea, but it's passing. It's passing. I'm glad you do this in a sauna now. It's nice. Would it be possible? Put some more water on the rocks.

Now that you're a show business heavyweight with your successful television program. Middleweight. Middleweight, please. Do you think we could get Kindler a spinoff where he just- Talks to the camera? Where he just babbles to camera? Yeah. He's doing it now.

Call him. Call him. He's always doing it. Turn on Twitter. Is that what a YouTube haul video is? Oh, yeah. It's just Kindler babbling. Is that just Andy Kindler talking into a webcam going, what am I, the something?

Yeah. Who am I, the some person from history? What am I, an adjective plus a noun of some kind? He knows where to get great makeup deals, though. Yeah, he does. He sure does. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Hey, everyone.

We're the Flophouse, one of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun Podcasting Network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin. What is the Flophouse, one of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun Podcasting Network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin. What is The Flophouse, you may very well ask? We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying, one, we've been doing this show for over seven years,

long before the entire premise of our show was a cliché. And two, shut up. Sick burn. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast. A podcast about words that sound like other words. A podcast about me singing long, irritating songs like this one. A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie. Or discussions about sex tarps.

Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out. And talking about ding-dongs. That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today or visit MaximumFun.org to follow the show. The Flophouse!

Woo! Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, radio sweetheart jordan morris steal santa mark maron guest mark yes people love to hear mark maron on jordan jesse go yep because they get a lighter side of maron so true jesse i'm light i'm light in my heart i'm light in my mind i'm i'm i. I feel like I could dance a little. You're like a helium balloon. Yeah, I'm floating. I'm floating. Mark, stop throwing that taffy to us. Stop handing out your famous homemade taffy. Do you like cotton candy?

What? Do I? What? I'm pretty open, man. You're a fun guy. you're the kind of fun guy that shows up at our door knocks on the door and then

next thing you know someone's playing harmonica in the hall turns out it's celebrity comedian Mark Maron I play harmonica just hanging out

playing some playing harmonica like you were my dad or something this is worse than we had John Popper on did you have mine? no I wish we would he's a little more there you go This is worse than we had John Popper on. Did you have him on?

No, I wish we would. He's a little more like... There you go. Here's a fun fact about John Popper that I've heard from... I've talked to him. Have you? I've had him in my garage. How was he? It was great.

I got an opportunity to interview Blues Traveler. I'm like, do I want to interview Blues Traveler? I'm like, hell yeah. I want to see that guy play harmonica right in my face. How much of Blues Traveler is the original Blues Traveler? They're just the hell yeah. I want to see that guy play harmonica right in my face. How much of Blues Traveler is the original Blues Traveler? They're just the two guys. Okay. The guitar player and the harmonica player.

That's all you need. And they were pretty nice guys, but it was fun. They were very nice. They were kind of like New York guys. John Popper's got like a classic WTF redemption narrative of some kind, doesn't he? Does he? I think he got into some gun trouble. Wow.

I would not have expected that. That's great. But not with me. Yeah. He's just a Bonnaroo firing rock salt at hippies. I don't know. Sometimes I don't know. Charging.

I don't always know what the back story is, but it was a nice conversation. I just have there Monica because I'm fidgety and I quit. I got off the nicotine. Completely? A hundred percent? Yeah. Like I was on those lozenges for like ten years, for like a decade. Well, you were –

So you've got the harmonica for everyday cravings, and then when it gets really bad, you just play the lute? Yeah, the lute's less portable. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's at home. I don't carry the lute around in my pocket. No, yeah. No, I just had the harmonica in the car, and then someone said, like, why don't you bring it? That would be annoying.

Yeah. And I thought I would do that. Yeah, sure. We appreciate it. Right? My dad went through a really serious harmonica phase when I was, like, eight. Oh, wow. So is this bringing back weird shit?

Yeah. Absolutely. You know, maybe that harmonica playing could highlight some of these stories. Jesse, do you want to talk about this L.L. Bean gift certificate that you can't use? Yeah, and you know what? I'll do a little riff like you're telling a story, but we're kind of moving through the south or something. And Brian, we can cut out the old version and drop this one in. So just let's go with this L.L. Bean story again and use this as a stylistic guidepost.

I bought some slippers for my wife for Christmas. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Unfortunately, I bought the wrong style. By the time I returned the slippers, they were out of the style that I had desired. I tried to get cash, but I ended up somehow, I don't understand how, with a $74 gift card. Get all of these.

And I've already got duck boots. That's my little addition to it. Wait a minute. Pitbull. Who had DJ Clue in here? Great story. Great story. I have a rap air horn on my phone.

I think it really added to it, the harmonica. I think it did too. It made it more like authentic down home. L.L. Bean story. L.L. Bean, yeah, yeah. It was definitely down-home. L.L. Bean story. L.L. Bean, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was definitely down-home Maine. Yeah. I'm sweating now.

Yeah. It's okay. So what do you guys generally talk about? When does the show start? In about 45 minutes. Yeah. Then we're really going to get into it. We're really going to dig in.

Yeah. But that's just kind of to warm us up. Yeah, I mean, like, well, foreign policy is a big thing we talk about. Have you ever read The Economist? Sure. I'm reading it now. So, like, basically this show is- Yeah, pay attention, Mark.

Like an audio version of The Economist. That's what I thought. We'll be talking about the Sultan of Brunei. That's what I prepped for. Okay, great. I'm up to speed on the Cuba thing. Apparently everything's okay. Gross domestic product. Sure. Things are okay right now, great. I'm up to speed on the Cuba thing. Apparently everything's okay. Gross domestic product.

Sure, things are okay right now, today. As of yesterday, things were better. That's true. In general. Sure. Today, I don't know. You got it. You know, I've got a story.

Jesse, you mentioned clothes. Should I be preparing a story? Yeah, you mentally. Am I next? Yeah, you're next. It should be really a story? Yeah. Am I next? Yeah, you're next. It should be really good too. Mark, the key here is- I'm sorry, Matt.

I don't know how to do this. Whatever Jordan is saying, just make sure to tune out. Don't listen to what Jordan says. Oh, that's so- Or contribute or help in any way. I was tuning out the wrong guy. It involves clothes shopping, which you mentioned. And earlier, you mentioned celebrity celebrity Jew Andy Kidler.

This also involves the Jews. Oh, fantastic. I went to my first Jewish wedding not too long ago. Oh, that sounds fun. Last weekend, in fact. Exciting. Yeah, yeah. It was in Baltimore.

Were you shocked by the chair thing? You know, here's the thing about the chair thing. Yeah. That shit got me so fucking pumped. Really? Gets me nervous i was i loved i i was expecting hava nagila to be charming right oh and you know i don't love dancing at weddings i always get a little bit i don't love it i don't love it right but hava nagila got me so goddamn

did you do the circle did you do the horror i didn't know the dance but i kind of stood near the circle and you know Very easy. Yeah. No one knows it. Okay. Yeah. Oh, really? So those Jews were just swinging it? You go one way, the other way, and then you go around. Huh.

Yeah. Okay. I could probably do that. The chair is up. The bride is up, looking nervous. The groom is up, looking nervous. Is a popular joke to do to the groom where all the guys pretend like they can't lift it because he's too fat?

Was he too fat? No, I don't think so. But I think that could be a popular joke like best man loses the ring. Just like a funny goat shoe. So you're suggesting a popular joke for a Jewish wedding in the future. If there's any Jewish weddings, here's a funny gag. What's your story? I swear to God.

Jordan, you were in my wedding. If my brother had pretended to fucking lose the ring, he's out of the family. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah. It's a wedding, man. I can honestly say that from a guy who's been married and divorced twice, those rings was their meaning. Yeah. That's fair.

Don't hang so much on the ring. Might as well just leave it in the hotel. Yeah. You know. You know, I think part of the thing was they had a- I got a couple extra rings if you need them. They had a live band that was playing like soul and R&B music. Oh, classy.

This band, they put a little stank on to Hava Nagila. Oh, really? There was like a sax solo in the middle. Did they even have a clarinet? They did not. It seems like a clarinet is central. It was all saxophone based. Oh.

So yeah, maybe that was why it was a little more juicy, a little funkier, a little nastier. Can I ask who the saxophone player is and can I ask if it was former president? Clarence Clemens. It was the ghost of Clarence Clemens. I was just going to ask if it was Bill Clinton. I wish it was Bill Clinton. That'd be great. Man, what if Bill Clinton-

Do you run in that circle? Like former presidents? Yeah. Just Kennebunkport in general? Yeah. I mean, I like to hang out at Camp David. Where'd you go to this wedding? Baltimore.

See, that's got nothing to do with Kennebunkport. That's one of the cities closest to Washington, D.C. That's not Washington, D.C. Kennebunkport is the Bush area. Oh, they go to the vineyard. The Clintons go to the vineyard. That makes sense. Cape Cod or something.

Right. That sounds right. Yeah. Kennebunkport, that's where the Bush compound is. That's the vineyard. The Clintons go to the vineyard. That makes sense. Cape Cod or something. Right. That sounds right. Yeah. Kenny Bunkport's. That's where the Bush compound is. That's the Bush compound. But I did stop by the Bush compound and play a little game of Marco Polo with Dick Cheney. Oh, cool.

And he sat on my shoulders and we did a chicken fight. Oh, that's fun. Against Dan Quayle. You're so close. Oh, Dan Quayle. Dan Quayle was there. Whose shoulder was Dan Quayle on? The elder George Bush?

Ariana Huffington, oddly enough. Ariana Huffington, interesting. Were you able to ask him about torture? I mean, I didn't think it was the right venue. We were all just like having fun, grilling brats. Yeah, well. But there was a brief round of tickle torture. There was a little tickle torture.

Oh, you know, we did play Never Have I Ever. And I said torture, and he put a finger down? I said authorized torture. That always happens when people have a couple of drinks. You want to play a truth or dare, never have I ever. Yeah. So, yeah, but the thing that was stressful about this wedding, Hava Nagila was great. All the Jewish stuff, terrific.

The airline lost my luggage. I had never had my luggage lost before. First time. The airline lost my luggage. I had never had my luggage lost before. First time. So I was there about to go to a wedding in just jeans and a hoodie. That was all that I had with me.

You didn't want to stop by the Joss A. Bank? Okay, so here's what happened. I was staying at an Airbnb. Get yourself a $49 suit. I was at the Airbnb, and this nice Earth Mother type was there to let me into the Airbnb. You know, a real gray ponytail. Sure. Dream catcher enthusiast. I stayed with one of those in Austin, Texas, which was great.

Yeah, totally great. That's exactly who you want running your Airbnb. Yeah. And I said, like, hey, I, you know, I, so I'm there the night before, and the wedding is in the afternoon the next day. The one danger is excessive incense but continue. Yeah, yeah. That's a concern. Or just excessive sort of hovering.

Yeah. Yeah. Or having to fight for bed space with a golden retriever who's wearing a neckerchief. Yeah. Wait a minute. Did you stay in an Airbnb at our college radio station? Yes, I did. Yeah. I was in the woods in Santa Cruz. Slept on a pile of carob. So that's in the evening. Wedding's the next day. I said to this earth mother type, I'm like, hey, I actually – I'm a little bit stressed out.

The airline lost my luggage and I don't have any clothes for the wedding tomorrow. I'm like, do you know if there's any department stores or a mall anywhere around here, she's like, Oh boy. Um, no, I don't think so. Oh, you know what? There is a men's warehouse. So, uh, that was presented as my option. I did find out later, uh, there was a, uh, there was a J crew. I had enough time to go to the J.Crew. Did you not have your phone? I did have my phone, yeah. Was it not working? It was working.

Okay. That's how I found out about the J.Crew. This woman just didn't know. After the fact. Yeah, yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Not ideal.

Not an ideal situation. Didn't think to go to the phone first instead of the hippie lady. I thought she would know. Maybe she would know some cool spots. To buy men's clothing. Yeah. Off the grid type of places. Yeah.

Some like cool artisanal, like just some local guys. You wanted artisanal fabric? You wanted a hemp suit? Yeah, exactly. Can I hip you to something? Sure. There's an app that's short for application that you can use on your telephone called. Wait, on the phone?

Mm-hmm. Right there on your phone. All right. It's called movie phone. Interesting. Where you call a deep voiced man. It's called movie phone. Interesting. Where you call a deep-voiced man. It's called Yelp. And you can type in new suit for wedding.

I did do that. And it will give you the right number of stars. I'm sorry I told the funny story about the lady because I thought it was funny. I know Yelp exists. I just thought that would be a funny anecdote that would add a little color. Jordan. What did you end up getting? Number one, you were fucking on citysearch.com.

I know that for a fact. Yeah. I'm very popular. I have a lot of followers on my city search profile. What did you end up getting? I got kind of like a wool blazer, some chinos, a blue shirt, and kind of a polka dot tie. So you pulled it off? Pulled it off.

No problem. Here's what people are telling me. It sounds like an outfit that was perfect for Kennebunkport. You know, it was kind of perfect for Ken dot tie. So you pulled it off. Pulled it off. No problem. Here's what people are telling me. Sounds like an outfit that was perfect for Kennebunkport. You know, it was kind of perfect for Kennebunkport. Sounds like an outfit that was... Yeah, it was a real, like, crew team asshole thing to get. Well, when in doubt, go preppy, right? Is that what you did?

I just got... Basic. Yeah, yeah. I just got a book in the mail, this beautiful book for Put This on to review called uh boating blazers and it's people in their boating blazers with crests and stuff and i have i have to tell you i think that the like boating blazers with crests and shit are really cool but looking at this book just made me realize how much i want to punch literally every person in the world who owns a boating blazer with a crest on it.

There's like 200 pages of assholes. Is that what the subheading of the book is? Yeah, just 200 pages of assholes. 200 pages of men who have been made to suck dick in the basement of Yale. Speaking of Dick Cheney. So you hit up the J.Crew. I hit up J.Crew. I don't know if you guys have jokes about that that was the wrong decision.

I think J.Crew is the place to go. It seemed like the best one-stop shop place. You know what? You're in a fucking random place. Sure. There's no suit supply available to you. Maybe you want to spend a little less money than you'd spend at the Brooks Brothers. I need to buy a suit. J.Crew at the Brooks Brothers. I need to buy a suit.

It's your best bet. I need to buy a suit. Do you not have a suit? I have suits, but they're old. I think I got them on a shoot I did. Like, I have not bought a suit like a grown man in over a decade. Wow. I had these suits that I got on a TV show I did like 19-

Was it the Steve Harvey show? Because those probably aren't the right suits for you. No, no no they are and that is the show I did yeah are they orange I got a few hats wait a minute

hold on I got a few hats hold on next to misremembering it was Moesha yep that was it too that's right

you're Moesha's chemistry teacher right I need to buy a suit man yeah well go well buy a suit I'm of the opinion what do you like man you're the clothes guy.

If you want – I mean if you're looking for something, I think the best combination of price and quality is suit supply. But wait, what brand? Like Hugo Boss? You like Hugo Boss? I like suit supply. That's the name of the brand? Yeah. It's a store.

They sell their own brand of suits. There's one in New York. There's one brand of suits. There's one in New York. There's one in San Francisco. There's one opening in L.A. I think there's one in D.C. I think there might be one in Chicago. You don't like Hugo Boss? Hugo Boss is a little overpriced.

Oh. You like Armani? Not a huge Armani. You like Donna Karan? Is a game here that you're just going to say? Desire. You like Ralph Lauren? I do like Ralph Lauren.

Of course you do. Yeah. Do you like that store on Melrose? Is it still there? The double RL store? Yeah, you like that store? I know that you have some comedy you'd like to perform about that store. I went in there not knowing what it was, and I saw, like, I was like, wow, this stuff's really beautiful.

It's only $9,000 for this jacket. It really is $9,000. It really is $9,000. Everything in the URL is $9,000. Yeah. It's nice, though. I can't. Why would you own any piece of clothing that costs that much money?

Well, you have. What if you end up getting salad dressing on it? It's over. You're Mr. You-Won't-Believe-My-Imagine-In-Willie-Jeans, aren't you? No, I didn't find those that really lasted as long as I wanted them to do. Mark eating a lot of sloppy salads? No, I just eat quickly, and I sometimes cook in my suits. Okay.

Yeah, I like to cook. If I'm seasoning a pan, I'm going to be wearing a Hugo Boss. You're going to be wearing a Hugo Boss. Throw on the Hugo Boss. No, I got these from a guy here in town, Schaefer's Garment Hotel. This guy,

these pants, the ones I'm really wearing now, the Selvage I'm wearing now, are made here in Hollywood by this dude. What's his first name? Is it Rob? Is it,

it's Schaefer's Garment Hotel. It's down, it's right across from like Nerd Melt. It's right there on Sunset. He's got like four or five, maybe six pants that he makes there out of denims. He does carry some hats.

He does a lot of jean repair. Like he had to replace a pocket on the M&G and Willys that the one pair that I liked, the pocket where my wallet was went out. But he's got one of those machines, those like weird stitching machines. I know what you're talking about. And he'll fix it, man. So then I went over there to get that fixed and he turned me on to his pants that he makes fresh in Hollywood. So I bought

them from him. Suit supply is affordable. I tell you, this is put this on. Suit supply is like I mean, obviously affordable is relative, but I can't. I don't usually recommend. There isn't anything recommendable that's cheaper than this, honestly. But their suit Suits Surprise around $500.

I usually tell people if they want to get something for less than $500, buy something secondhand. I just don't know when I'm going to wear it, but you kind of need one. You need one because somebody you know is going to die or somebody is going to get married. I was thinking maybe a premiere of some kind. I was invited to a party and I was like, I can't go to that party wearing nothing. I should have a – You certainly can't go nude to a Hollywood party and I was like, I can't go to that party wearing nothing. Like I should have a – You certainly can't go nude to a Hollywood party. I would rather.

I mean I have sports coats and stuff and I have clothes that I wear comfortably. I wear the same – give or take the same thing most of the time. But you should have a nice suit. Some people have told me that I should call Southwest, that's who lost my bags, and tell them they need to pay for the suit. I'll tell you a story about that. I would love to hear a story about that. Can I share a quick story about that? Recently, someone emailed me on...

Hold on a sec. Okay, let's hold... Jesus Christ. I'm going to get this ready. So, Jesse, I was wondering, have you heard any stories about whether or not airlines have to pay for expenses caused because of lost luggage? I do have a story on that subject, Jordan. Well, I'll just sit here on the porch, sip this moonshine, and I'll hear your delightful yarn.

A guy emailed me and put this on. He said he got stranded in what? Venice. Venice, Italy. Without his luggage. British Airways lost his luggage. He went to a store because he had to present the next morning at this huge conference in front of 5,000 people. And he went to this store just as it was closing.

He went in. The man helped him find some clothes, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It was more money than he would ordinarily have spent. But he needed it. And he liked the man. He liked the store. He liked the clothes. Then his credit card got

turned down and the wait on the credit card was 45 minutes and the man was trying to go home so the guy said, come back first thing in the morning, we'll sort it out, I'll save this stuff for you, I'll open early so you can buy it before you go to the thing because I have to go home right now. So he's like,

okay, he does that. He goes, he buys the things, he presents, he does well, et cetera, et cetera. British Airways sends him a thing. You can claim your necessary expenses based on the baggage being late. He claimed it was like $1,200 for the pants and coat that he bought, and British Airways paid. World star.

That's great. I'm going to do that. From now on, everything that happens on this show, just someone in the background is going, world star. World star. Okay, so I should fuck with Southwest and try to get them to give me 500 bucks for my J.Crew stuff. If you've got any juice in any way, take advantage of it and get free stuff. Yeah. But I think that's justice what's happened there.

I tweeted to Black & Decker that one of their hand vacuum cleaners was not functioning properly. And they immediately sent me another one. And I'm not sure that the first one was broken. So now I have two. Okay. I'll tell you. I decided it was making the wrong noise, but I think it's the noise it's supposed to make. My good friend said-

Was it like too soft? No, it was like, and I'm like, that sounds like it's screaming. What noise do you want it to be making? So it was going, and you want it to be going. Mark, can you make the noise and play the harmonica at the same time? Oh, no. Wrong side. So, Mark, when you feel you've been wronged by a company, you use Twitter to complain.

I used to do it more, but it actually pisses people that don't have the leverage off to see you do that. Sure. So unless there's something for the working people in your fight, I'd be wary of being quick to strut around with your power of following. Sure. Or pretty soon, instead of having the number one podcast in the world, some asshole at This American Life is going to start a new podcast and the number two podcast in the world. No, I already have the number one.

I haven't been in that. On the comedy charts, I do well. On the big charts, I'm usually in the second ten. It's good for all of us, Jesse. I agree. Look at that guy over there. I agree.

Oh, it's stuck right in his throat, that. I think it's good for all of us. Congratulations, Sarah Keening. He said through gritted teeth. I did not. I didn't. I haven't listened to it. And people seem to like it. I wish it the best. Yeah, I don't. You didn't. We all. I haven't listened to it. Yeah. And people seem to like it.

I wish it the best. Yeah, I don't know anything about it. Other than everyone's all of a sudden like, wow, podcasting. I think. Where's this been? Exactly. AT&T charged me $70 a month for a year after I moved out of my old house and called to cancel the thing. I called.

They said they were going to give me the money back. I never got a check. I called again. They said that I had never called them. Then they said they couldn't give it to me. Then I called again. They said they could give me three months. That was their policy.

I said, fuck you. How about you give me $850 that you stole from me? Whoa. Is this the strong language that you used on the phone with them? No. I was insistent but polite. And finally, I went on Twitter. I wrote, why did at ATT steal $850 from me?

And I wrote a second tweet about what happened. They said, please DM us your phone number. I DMed them my phone number. They said, we're so sorry. Where do we send the check? Wow. Yeah, I've done, I've gotten good results with Time Warner Cable. Okay. But that

was a full court press on Twitter. That went on a couple weeks. The internet going in and out, me getting angry, many calls to many tiers. Then I took it to Twitter, and then I started talking about it on my podcast. This is a multi-tier assault. I went phone, I

went Twitter, I went podcast, and they came and they split that node outside of wherever I am. Within a week or two of me, and I'd like to take credit for me basically leading an uprising. Yeah.

Wow. Against Time Warner. A people's revolution. A people's revolution. Well, people become complacent. They become apathetic. Jordan, Jesse. No, sorry.

I'm speaking of something else. People. The Apple listener can't see the clarity in Mark's eyes. Yeah. People get complacent when you say, I can't get internet. People go like,

that's just the way it is. It shouldn't be. Exactly, Jordan. It should not be. Thank you. And I took it to the streets of Twitter. Because the capitalist

controls the means of production, it is our right to seize the bang bus. I got some good results. I used to do American Airlines. I've gone after a couple of times. Okay.

Delta, I went after a couple of times. You don't have a signature airline? I was early on in the – I was one of the first, I think, to really communicate with the social networking person on Twitter at American Airlines. And it was a big deal when he started talking. I mean, my kids are learning about it in history class. Mark, you're a stand-up comedian that doesn't have a signature airline. What do you mean a signature airline? Well, like one where you have so many points that you get to –

Yeah, I got American. You get a back rub in the president's lounge. American. American. American Airlines. American Airlines. God bless the USA. Am I right?

I like them. Everyone's got their thing. It's lounge. American. American Airlines. American Airlines. God bless the USA. Am I right? I like them. You know, everyone's got their thing. You know, it's like cell phone. It's like, you know, people complain about whatever coverage they have and they think or they think theirs is the best. But I like American. Can't stand Delta. Really?

You're anti-Delta. Don't like that Atlanta hub. I don't like anything to do with Delta. I once went on a plane that couldn't take off because someone wouldn't sit down because the cleaning crew had not sufficiently cleaned up the vomit from the seat from the passenger before. I have a hard time with Delta. Here's my beef with Delta. Vomit's bad. The vomit's fine. I'm fine with the vomit. My beef is with Gala. I like it. When was the last time you vomited? Like really let it go. Wow. It's been a while. Right? Yeah. It has been a while. Isn't that a great feeling? Yeah, yeah.

Can I recommend migraine headaches? That's a fun way to vomit. Do you have migraine headaches? I do, yeah. And a beard? And a beard, both. Wow. That's tremendous.

Yeah, I should honestly just be living off disability. So you vomit frequently? No, my migraines are not frequent vomit migraines, but period. I'd say once a year I vomit from a migraine. I've not vomited since I drank, I bet. Really? That's over 15 years ago. You've never had no stomach flus?

No. Knock on. Oh, no. There's no wood. Seems like there should be some wood in here. Can we just get a log for the middle? It's sort of a knock-on. This is a problem.

Yeah, I mean, we've got a knock-on. For our superstitious guests and if we ever have the mighty, mighty boss tones in here, which we've been trying to do. What do you get out of having star points from the airplane? No, if you have a good year of flying, you get platinum or executive platinum standing as a frequent flyer. So that means that you can get on the plane first. That means that you're more likely to get an upgrade if you put in for one, a free upgrade. How do you put in for an upgrade? You just say upgrade requested.

It's not free, actually. You'll get free upgrades if you fly a lot. Occasionally, they'll throw you one. But if you want to upgrade, it's very hard just to upgrade, unless you've got Platinum or Executive Platinum. So you put in for an upgrade, and then you get to the airport, and you go, what are my chances?

And they go, well, three people have checked in, but there's one seat left. And you go, oh, that's great. You think I can get it? No, there's an Executive Platinum ahead of you. and then you go that sounds stressful it sounds like a straight up I have standard platinum and I might I don't know how long I'll keep that

I don't even have gold that's the only reason I'll tell you honestly the only reason I recommitted was just to get on the fucking plane first I usually you gotta get out of that big comfortable terminal chair and into that tiny airplane chair I just carry on and I don't want to be stuck having to check

That's like my primary concern That was what fucked me is all my shit was in a carry on And they I was just you know In boarding group C Southwest and yeah they had to check it At the terminal Wait your shit got gate checked and they lost it How the fuck did they pull that off

I don't know That means they lost it in the 12 feet. I know. Yeah, right? The front door of the airplane. Oh, no. I mean, I had a layover. So I'm guessing that's where things went wrong.

Like, if you picture it, where do you think your clothes are now? Oh, no. I came back to my Airbnb, just drunk off Hotel Open Bar, and it was waiting for me. Oh, so that really should be the end of that story. It came back, yeah. If you tell it again, you might want to throw that at the end of the story. Okay. Because that's really the end of the story. And we had to kind of pull it out of you. Mark. That's true.

What? I don't mean to be presumptuous, but to really end the story, it needs a little certain extra something. Well, then what would the lady... No, you're goddamn harmonica! Harmonica, come on, I'm gonna spin this yarn. So I went to the wedding, looking great in my $500 worth of J.Crew pickups,

off the rack, fit pretty good. And goddamn it, I danced to Hava Nagila, I high-fived some old ladies. And then I headed back to my Airbnb, drunk golf, open bar, vodka clubs. And what was waiting for me? My little lady, black rolly bag. And what did the hippie lady say? Keep fucking me.

I was fucking the hippie lady, too. We'll be back with more in just a second. No, I wish. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Mark Maron, guest. la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Mark Maron, guest. Hey, guess what?

Jordan, Jesse Goh is going to be live in your neighborhood. If your neighborhood is either Los Angeles or San Francisco. Where else are people going to live? Portland? Yeah. Boise? Dubuque? Austin, man.

Yeah. Keep it weird, buddy. Raleigh. Keep it weird. Raleighaleigh. Keep it weird. Raleigh-Durham. The research triangle. Two live shows coming up. Jordan, Jesse Goh, and Bunker Buddies with Andy and Travis at UCB Franklin, Tuesday, January 6th, 11 p.m.

Five bucks. That's what a bargain. This is going to be like a little, it's going to be like a fast, cool show. It's only an hour long total. We're doing it with Bunker Buddies buddies the brand newest show in the max fun family travis and andy are both very delightful of course travis mcelroy from my brother and my brother and me and uh yeah it's gonna be a blast we'll have a super special celebrity guest on there i'm sure who i don't know probably just chris fairbanks yeah how's he doing you, he's doing all right. Good. Yeah, seems like he's doing pretty good.

Doing the road a lot. Good. And if you live in San Francisco, SF Sketch Fest, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and my brother, my brother and me, that's at Cobb's Comedy Club, Saturday, February 7th, 1 p.m. Ooh, I need to tag onto that. I canceled my shows at Sketch Fest, so I'm not going to be there. Just use that Marin money to come see us and my bim bam. Yep.

I'll also be there doing Judge John Hodgman, so make a weekend of it, folks. Yeah. Come on. Come out to Sketch Fest. Get your act together. I may be on an industry panel. January 6th, 11 p.m. About your personal brand.

UCB. Really? Yeah, it'll tell the story of how- February 7th. Moderately successful I am. How I, Jesse Thorne, made it to the fourth tier of show business.

Right there with you, buddy. No, your second tier. We already established that. Oh, your fourth? Okay. Yeah, I'm all the way down on the fourth tier. We got something up on the Jumbotron, too, this week. We do. Thestandarddeviation.net. The Standard Deviation is a startup website dedicated to exploring content outside and inside the broad middle of popular culture. Our hope is to highlight media where you can serve to change your perspective, maybe even your life, as well as looking at the swath of media which represents the worst of us and serves to dissuade us from change.

We review, opine, speculate, and hope to both challenge and entertain. The standard deviation dot net. Do you think there's words on standard deviation dot net that have meaning? Anyway, if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor Jordan, Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne,

America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. Mark Maron, the host of WTF and also the host of, no, also the star of Maron on IFC. And creator. Creator and star, Maron IFC. Congratulations on the success of Maron on IFC, by the way, Mark. Thank you.

I'm the creator and star of that show. If anyone hasn't seen Maron on IFC, it's a really funny program. It's a little bit like – No. What if Larry Sanders was about Mark instead of being about a television show? Okay. Right? That's a nice comparison.

What comparison were you dreading? I don't care. You can compare it to whatever you want. Just as long as it's not like – it's like a something – it's like a different kind of this show. Or it's like a a different kind of this show or it's like uh yeah it's like a a slightly different this show like i don't like you know those like some guy imagine i tweeted a picture of buddy rich this morning that's like a fun tweet an album cover okay because i was listening to buddy rich this morning i tweeted the uh the picture of the album Monster. And some guy goes, that looks like a fat Dana, a fat, what is it, a fat Elliot Gould or something.

And I'm like, what's the point of that tweet? It looks like Buddy Rich, you idiot. I don't know why. Why do people think that's clever? I tweeted a picture of an old George Jones record. That looks like Jim Carrey. I'm like, no, it doesn't. It looks like George Jones. How That looks like Jim Carrey. I'm like, no, it doesn't. It looks like George Jones.

How is that clever? Why do fucking people do these like just completely useless, witless tweets? It's the fun side of Mark Maron here on Jordan, Jesse Go. I also like George Jones. Love George Jones. He does have kind of a funny sort of red-nosed face. Well, those old ones when he had the crew cut. I mean, he was a whole different looking dude.

But, like, he had a great voice. I love his voice. I've been listening to so many records, man. Like, I'm so full into the vinyl thing. It's like people are sending me records constantly, and I'm hopelessly hooked. I have, like, thousands now. Thousands of fucking records. The last time I was over at your house was at least like a

year ago and you had records like lining all your walls like not on shelves. Right. I got shelves. You got shelves. Okay. Good. Got shelves now. That's a good start. Now they're just lining my walls in shelves. I actually had a nice music listening experience recently that I'd like to share. What's that?

Jesse, you were nice enough for Christmas to get me the new D'Angelo album. I was, yeah. That's true. How was it? Is it good? It's great. It's terrific. Yeah, D'Angelo's the best.

Yeah, it's super fun. Do you know this girl, FKA Twig? Yeah. I like her. Yeah, it's good. I like that FKA Twig. What is that? What do you call it?

I don't know what that is. People call it – sometimes people call it something like future soul or like, you know, neo-R&B. I just got it in the mail from a guy and I like the cover and I kind of did a little research into her. I listen to everything people send me. Some of it's not good. Have you heard blood orange? You might like blood orange if you like FKA twigs. I think I did get Blood Orange.

Blood Orange is something you might like. Sorry, Jordan. You were telling the story of D'Angelo. I also got for Christmas a wireless speaker that I can use in the shower. Listen to D'Angelo in the shower. What about that guy whose last name is Blunt? Sorry, continue. The guy whose last name is Blunt, I think, or something.

Roy Blunt Jr., yeah. No, not. He's a great panelist. Wait, wait, I think, or something. Roy Blunt Jr., yeah. No, not. He's a great panelist on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Not Roy Blunt Jr. Yeah, Roy Blunt Jr. from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. No. You've got to hear Paula Poundstone's soul album. That is some fucking, those are some fuck jams.

Those are some hot fuck jams. What's great about Poundstone's album, I think, is that it's not so much a- She puts some stank on it. She does put some stank on it. There's a lot of stank on Poundstone's album, I think, is that it's not so much just- She puts some stank on it. She does put some stank on it. There's a lot of stank on Poundstone's album. It's not just a throwback. I think it's also a look forward. Sure.

Yeah, yeah. Where will we be in 20 years as a soul culture? Sure. Where will soul brothers and sisters like Paula Poundstone be? Will we be robots coming to life? That's what Paula Poundstone dares to ask. I'd like to get the... Should I get the new

Nicki Minaj album? You know, any Nicki Minaj album is going to... It's hard for me to recommend getting a Nicki Minaj album. Your best bet is probably just to watch Nicki Minaj videos on YouTube. I really like Nicki Minaj. It's just that she's not an album-oriented artist.

I ask you this because I know you're the hip-hop guy. I really like Nicki Minaj. I think Nicki Minaj is awesome. I don't know much about hip-hop. I'm always behind. That's my blind side, my blind spot. On a Nicki Minaj album, you're going to have five great rap songs, two great pop songs, and seven horrible pop songs. So that's the problem with buying a Nicki Minaj album.

I want to get her. She has a calendar, a 2015 calendar that I want to get so I can look at her butt. Oh, sure. Is it just her butt? No, she's probably like a variety of poses. I'm sure all of her is in it. Yeah. Oh, man.

You know what I recommend with regard to – I'm particularly interested in her butt. What I recommend with regard to Nicki Minaj – I don't mean to degrade her. She's a terrific artist and a real talent. But dad ass though. Anyway. Sure.

Sure. I really recommend watching this video you can find on YouTube of Nicki Minaj on like – there's these kind of like rap DVDs, these like homemade rap DVDs in like the late 90s, early 2000s called smack DVDs. I don't know if it was literally a smack DVD, but it was something like that. But it's just like her dressed like a 16 year old from New York as a 16-year-old from New York just fucking tearing the roof off, just rapping about the just gutterest, gulliest shit. Like no pink makeup, no giant hair piece, no crazy outfit, just fucking rapping your ass off as a teenager. It's so great. Nicki Minaj is a very talented woman.

I'm excited about that. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, like you discover a great video of Nicki Minaj wrapping as a teenager, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. And we've got a couple calls on the hook here. Let's take a listen to the first one. Hi, this is Lee, and I'm calling on my momentous occasion. I just left the gym, and for the first time in my life, I saw a man blow-drying his body hair.

Yeah. That's fun. Give it a little volume. Well, you wanted to be nice. Yeah. You know, because he might be on his way someplace. He could be going off to film some 70s porn It's just nice when people have body hair now

I think it's coming back Do you know anything about that guy in the cutting edge of fashion? Is hair back? Yeah, sure Good I was tired of all this shaving business My Twitter account You know what I'm talking about, right?

Mark, I've started shaving my balls this year and I can't stop. I'm addicted to it. Have you? I love shaving my balls. Do you? Yeah, I do. I genuinely do. It's a lot of fun. Do you do it with a ball shaver? I think it looks great. I have a special razor, yeah. With that one from the men's razor? Gillette Body. Yeah. Gillette Body. They sent it to me via clout.

Are you a hairy guy? In the pubic region, yeah. I have a hardy pubic bush. They're very hairy balls, Mark. I don't have that problem. Good for you. Graduations. Yeah. Do you feel more free? But now I'm a little worried it's out of fashion. I want to have

a fashionable wang. Yeah. Everyone's going back to the authentic. No. Yeah, going back to just kind of let it go, man. Yeah, like an artisanal. Yeah, artisanal balls. Hey, guys. Yeah. Do you think you could add some pickled beets down there?

Yeah. You know, I can't fuck a mason jar, too. Okay, good. Thank God. You guys want to see some reclaimed wood? Wait, keep clapping, keep clapping. I have an app to open up. Reclaimed Wood?

Shit, what happened? What happened to your app? What's wrong with your app? I don't know. My app broke. Just imagine the rap air horn came in. Okay. I don't know.

Maybe I got the free version, so maybe I only have a limited amount of pushes. Just imagine it went, bwah, bwah, bwah, bwah. Anyway. Hey, Jordan. What? Remember that time when Van from Alabama called in? Yeah. God, how come Van hasn't called in again? Come on, Van. Call more.

He's this charming Alabama... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say stoner. Called us to talk about how happy he was to move to park city utah yeah aspen aspen colorado how are things in aspen van send us an audio postcard we'd love to hear from you ah if ever a situation is called for an audio postcard it's this not morning edition sorry morning edition nobody wants to hear your audio postcard from the Sochi Olympics. But an audio postcard from Van and Aspen? Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Please do. Thank you

very much. Next call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. My name is David. I'm calling from Chicago with a moment of shame. I just left a fifth through eighth grade talent show where I was supposed to be the yearbook photographer. And while jumping from a riser five minutes into the program, I split my pants 24 inches from the knee straight up into the belt straight down my crotch. Luckily, I was wearing a hoodie. I snuck out, found an empty classroom in the school where I could change, sent out a friend of mine to my car, got a gym bag and took all the pictures, wore a pair of gym shorts. So I feel like a real jabroni. Luckily, the police who were there did not see me. And yeah, here's to getting away with indecent non-exposure.

Thanks. Bye. I would love it if he had created breakaway pants. Yeah. So that he could expose himself to a middle school talent show. He's just lucky he wasn't in eighth grade. That would have ruined him. That would have been a disaster for life.

Oh, man. He'd never recover from that. A kid in my middle school, it would not get better. Nope. In sixth grade, we did something called, we were studying the ancient Greeks, and we did something called the Greek Festival. I was the emcee and host. I did some

Greek jokes that the Greek history teacher wrote. Her name was Carla. Do you remember any of them? I don't remember any of the jokes. One of them was about How hairy Greek men are. There's a many-eyed monster in Greek mythology. I can't remember what

the name is, but I said a funny thing. Okay, so first of all, big opener. Funny thing happened on the way to the Greek festival. Oh. And then I said, so-and-so, the many-eyed monster was crawling. I saw so-and-so, the many-eyed monster, crawling around on the ground. I said, what's going on?

And he just muttered something about looking for his contacts. what's going on? And he just muttered something about looking for his contacts. World star. Anyway, this one kid was in like a sketch or a playlet. It was a playlet. It was not comic. It was not intended to be comic.

And he was playing like Jason and they were the Argonauts or something like that. All I remember is he had a shield and a sword. And at one point he had to go, like, lift his sword and say, like, Onward, men! And when he did it in the thing, he sort of jumped up as he did it and turned a little bit and, you know, lifted his sword up in the air and said, Onward, men! But then as he became airborne, he just went... Oh, boy.

Farted it? Just farted it. Yeah. It was just. Farted with emphasis. For emphasis. Just since he. How'd that go for the rest of the cast?

Oh, my gosh. Well, the rest of the cast was, as every other 10, 11, and 12-year-old in attendance was, delighted beyond words. That is the best thing ever. For one guy, a horrible story. For a dozen others, the most hilarious thing that's ever happened. It was even better than the time the guy, the first guy who brought in the Green Jell-O album that had the song Three Little Pigs.

Yeah. Those are the two highlights of sixth grade entertainment-wise. Sounds like a real hoot. Yeah. It was a real delight. If you have something to share with us, email it to us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org or call us at 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second. Jordan, Jesse, go at MaximumFun.org or call us at 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second. Jordan, Jesse, go.

Welcome to Oh No Ross and Carrie. Ross. Hi Carrie. What do you think is creepier? Okay. You jump into a swimming pool. All of a sudden, the water goes away. And instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors. Ew.

Or our show. That's pretty tough because we visited a live exorcism. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis where we had to worship a naked lady. Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult. They were scary. Super creepy. We joined the Aethery Society. We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did. Oh boy, I tried breast enlargement. We have basically done every creepy, weird fringe thing except for thousands more more which we will get to if you listen to our show i'd still say the swimming pool of my ancestors bones well and i don't even know if people should listen i guess they shouldn't but if you want to we're at maximum fun and the show's

called i know ross and carrie it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris steal santa La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Steel Santa. I'm Mark Maron, the man. Mark, what's been your favorite recent episode of your hit podcast, WTF? What the fuck?

Norman Lear was very pleasant. That was pretty great. Television legend Norman Lear. When is. That was pretty great. Television legend Norman Lear. When is this going to be on, what we're talking about now? Two days from now. So, okay. Immediately, Monday. Well, I can confidently say that people can look forward to a Paul Thomas Anderson.

Hey. Which is no. That's not an easy one. That's a good. He's not. No, he's a great guy, but he doesn't... I don't see him around much talking. Sure.

So... Did you see The Inherent Vice? I did. I saw it and I loved it. I do not know what anyone could have a problem with.

I'm finishing the book. It's a real trip. The movie's a trip. Yeah. It'll probably help you, actually, to have read the book. It was a great conversation.

I talked to him longer than usual. The book's strong point is not coherence. But that's Pynchon. What are you going to do? The movie's great. Yeah, so Norman Lear I thought was amazing.

Isn't Paul Thomas Anderson's – wasn't his dad like a horror movie host or something like that? I think he had. Goulardo. Goulardo. Goulardo. In Cleveland. God bless him. He was also the announcer for the announcer for abc television

wow yeah there's a lot of interest yes he moved out here from cleveland and i think he and maya rudolph just sit around talking about uh uh the trivia fact that they both have interesting famous parents because my rudolph's mom is minnie ripp or was Minnie Ripperton. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what they talk about, but his movies are always challenging. I think they're delightful. Some of them are delightful, some of them are challenging. That's how I would describe them.

Yeah, Magnolia. Oh, boy. Rolling in the aisles. I think he's one of the best we got. He hasn't made a stinker, in my opinion. But sometimes you walk out and go, God damn it, I gotta see that again. Sure. I don't think he hasn't made a stinker, in my opinion. But sometimes you walk out and go, God damn it, I got to see that again. Sure. I think I missed something. I just see there will be blood several times.

Yeah. I see the master several times just to develop a relationship with it. Sure. I told him this. I'm not afraid to be honest. Yeah, sounds like it. What did you tell Norman Lear? It was interesting because I read a lot of his book.

And I get very nervous with people. It's a little unusual for you, isn't it? Yeah. To prepare for an interview? Yes. When you've got a guy that's been around as long as him, you sort of got to figure out what you're going to focus on because you ain't going to get it all in.

Right. And it struck me that he was very reflective. You read the book. You decided to go with Maude. Exactly. Focus exclusively on Maude. An hour on Maude. No, he's very reflective. And he thinks a lot about his relationship with his father and about what kind of father he is and how he sort of

came into television. I found that the early stuff was very interesting. So we spent a lot of time talking about some of that. I mean, he fought in World War II. A lot of times that's the best part. It is the greatest part because that's the part that gets lost. That's the part that no one really knows about. And when someone tells you to you

firsthand, it's very compelling and fascinating. There you go. Compelling, fascinating. Mark Maron. He flew in a bomber. He dropped bombs in World War II. We're not talking about the Gap Band here, folks. No, man.

No, we are not. I pointed at Jesse. Yeah, you sure did. My app's broken, so I have no way to give emphasis. Guys, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning to slip an opportunity for a Gap Band reference past me. Melissa Etheridge is on Monday. That was a lot of fun, actually. Really? It was one of those situations where,

not unlike Blues Traveler, I get asked, would you like to have Melissa Etheridge on? I'm like, yeah, everything was Melissa Etheridge for about a year. Yeah, sure. You know, so yeah, let's have her on. What's up with Melissa Etheridge? What's her deal?

It was great. It was truly great. I had that experience with Huey Lewis. I did too. I got offered Huey Lewis and I said, yeah, sure had that experience with Huey Lewis. I did too. I got offered Huey Lewis and I said, yeah, sure, I'll have Huey Lewis on. Exactly. Exactly the same thing I felt with Huey. Yeah.

And he's a charmer. He's a really fun guy. It's funny. You're part of the woods. He is. Bay Area dude. Yeah. You don't have to tell me.

You can just ask my mother-in-law. She sees him once in a while in the Pete's Coffee. She'll come home and tell you about it. She is delighted to see Huey Lewis. She's fond of him. Melissa Etheridge was great. And she sang at the end. And she really, I mean, this record that she put out, she's all in, man.

Mark Maron, IFC's Maron, Internet's WTF. Yes. Delightful. Jordan and I will be live in San Francisco, SF Sketch Fest for first weekend of February or second weekend of February, something like that. February 7th. February 7th.

January 6th at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater here in Los Angeles. And, of course, we are on the Internet. You can talk to us on the Reddit, JordanJesseGo. Wait, MaximumFun.reddit.com. On the forum, forum.maximumfun.org. On Twitter, just hashtag it JJGo. On the Facebook group, on the Maximum Fun Facebook group. And, hey, one other thing I want to mention before we go.

We're working on some new panels and stuff like – on some new pilots and stuff like that for Maximum Fun. And we're putting together a little Maximum Fun listener panel. So if you want to help us by listening to new stuff that hasn't been released to the general public and giving us feedback on it, just go to MaximumFun.org slash listener panel. I don't think I can be there for that. MaximumFun.org slash – yeah, we're just going to run some WTF episodes by you and see what you think. Yeah, just give some notes. Give notes right to Mark. We're just going to have a box that says, give us your worst.

Hit me with your best shot is going to be the box. Right in the kisser. And that's actually just going to email directly to Mark. But, yeah, share that with us. Put your email on the email list and we'll get you something soon. We got some cool stuff in the works. Thank you to everybody who's already signed up for that. MaxFunCon sold out, but if you want to get on the wait list, you can still get on the wait list.

Email waitlist at MaximumFun.org and put your phone number in there and the number of people in your party. Brian Fernandez on the boards. Our email address, JJGo at MaximumFun.org 206-984-4FUN Our telephone number, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records from the album

Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design. We will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. free design. We will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.