Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 357: The Good Eye with Martin Starr

Episode Date: December 29, 2014

Actor Martin Starr joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Vine videos, videogames and Jerry Seinfeld's Halloween children's book. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I've been thinking that I should say what Jordan, Jesse, go is at the top of the show. Okay.

Like Flophouse style. Well, I just want people, if somebody is the first time listening to Jordan Jesse Go, that we would have the opportunity to ease them in. Okay, yeah. No, I mean, I think that's good. I mean, I think we, and we have a big guest this week. I don't want to spoil it. Miss Delta Burke. Yes. From Designing Women. Wait a minute, you just spoiled it. Sorry. I mean, forget you heard that. Forget you heard that. But I I mean, I'm acknowledging that there probably are a lot of first-time listeners. Right.

Burke's big on Twitter. Jordan, Jesse Goh is a big show all about Designing Women. Yeah. It's the X-Files files of Designing Women. We just go down Designing Women episode by episode. With Delta Burke. And now with Miss Delta Burke. Man, it is such an honor to be sitting in the same room as Delta Burke.

The late Delta Burke. She might be dead. She could very well be dead. Let's not check up on that. I remember that African-American gentleman from that program. He passed on. That's too bad. Yeah.

He survived by Delta Burke. Yeah. He survived by Delta Burger. This is the level of expertise that I bring to my Designing Women podcast, by the way. Yeah. You know, the third build star of the hit show. I think he may be dead. Yeah.

Anyway, now the one where they go to the horse race. I'm assuming that's the plot of one. Do you think there's anything we could say? I'm assuming that's the plot of one. Do you think there's anything we could say? What could we say at the beginning of the show to encapsulate Jordan, Jesse, go so that if someone is checking in for the first time, be it because they're a Delta Burke fan or for whatever other reason, they would understand what was going on. How about this? Hey, it's Jordan, Jesse, go. We're going to be geeking out about all kinds of topics. Craft beer, science, the metric system.

We're doing it all. Minecraft tutorials. Jordan, I don't... Girls, gear, gift guides. I'm just trying to make it a little buzzier, you know? What if we just... I think your idea of transforming this into a lifestyle project is great. What if it's for guys?

For guys. It's a hot podcast. Yep. For guys only. I like that we're changing our tone of voice. It's a hot, hot podcast. We got it all. Just for guys.

Gear, sports, wings, Bruce. Yeah, we got that. Jordan, Jesse, Bruce. Yeah, we got that. Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah, we got that. It's a hot podcast. I think that's already. All about the guy on guy lifestyle. Yeah.

We're guys and we're going to get on other guys. Yeah. And that's not an accidental innuendo. We're going to suck their dicks. I might be on the wrong show. Ladies and gentlemen, Delta Burke. Thank you for having me. From the hit television program Silicon Valley, which is so delightful.

He's so delightful on it. He, of course, also the star of NTSF colon SD colon SUV colon colon. You got it. He's the star of other film and television programs of various types. Television's own Martin Starr. Thank you. Martin, I think the last time we chatted, you were doing some grinding in Destiny. Is that still going on?

I grinded. Are you done grinding? Yeah. I ground out. Okay. What a coincidence. I ground some chuck the other day. Oh, that's nice.

Just raw chuck. Well, you have to freeze it a little bit first. Do you? Or else it will- Does it really? Do you have a grinder? Gum up. Well, I have a grinder attachment for my KitchenAid. Got it.

So you got to get it. It can't be frozen solid. Right. But if it's warm, it'll just gum up the work smart. Now, are you a gunner class or a wizard class? KitchenAid class. Oh, Kitchen a wizard class? Kitchen aid class. Oh, kitchen aid class. Italian cooking class.

So effective melee attacks then. Yeah. Have you been grinding in any regard? Not – you know, I chose not to play – Jesse, for you, maybe you know this. Destiny is the game that the Halo guys quit making Halo to make. Oh. And it's a little bit of what we call a grind. Maybe similar to your Skyrim.

There's a lot of leveling up that happens. So a lot of grinding. A lot of grinding. Is it at all like Tony Hawk's Pro Skater? No, it is not. Because that was very grinding. Yeah. It's actually similar in some ways.

What are those ways? I can't think of them right now. They both start Tony Hawk, for one thing. Soundtrack by Goldfinger. There's kind of skateboards in both. That's true, yeah. They're a futuristic skateboard. I chose to skip Destiny. I think it

seems like a lot of fun, maybe not my thing. I don't like a grind in a game, personally. It was unfinished. It was a game that came out unfinished. I've heard that criticism lobbed at it. Yes, there was miscast vocal actors. I mean, there's a slew of issues. Wait a minute. Are you telling me that in a major video game release there was miscast

vocal actors. Correct. I feel like there is not a video game that I have played in the last five years that didn't feature some. Peter Dinklage. Fourth level famous person in a completely inappropriate role where you just feel like somebody knew Ice-T. Right. Or somebody- Ray Liotta. Yeah, Ray Liotta.

Exactly. And these are talented people. It's not about them not being talented people. And it seems like they're always being directed by someone whose English is their second language and their first language is Swedish. Yes. I saw at Max von Kahn a couple years ago. Lee Unkrich showed this video.

He directed Toy Story 3. And he showed this video of Tom Hanks tracking a line for Toy Story 3 or a couple, a few sentences. And so first he shows the movie. A few sentences. And so first he shows the movie. And then they have this thing where they show the camera in the vocal booth that's synced to what's happening in the movie. You know, like for your DVD extras or whatever.

And they show him going through the line once cleanly in the booth. And then they show it as it appeared in the movie. It's very different reads in the two and then they show it uh they show it as it appeared in the movie it's very different reads in the two of them and then he showed this video of uh the the this the booth video edited to be to have the same sound clips as the uh as actually ended up in the movie. And there were like, in this three sentences, there were like 20 edit points, maybe 25 edit points. Like often inside of a word, there would be an edit. So like it would be half of a word from one take, half of a word from another take.

And a duck. Yeah, exactly. To say end. Exactly. It was so, I mean, it was totally amazing because, you know, that's one of the greatest actors. Sure. And a wonderful film. But he just couldn't do it, huh?

He just couldn't do it. Hanks was too fucked up. Hanks was coked out of his mind. Pills, man. It's the pills. Yeah. All I'm saying is. Hanks loves Coke pills.

All I'm saying is I don't think that's the process when Ray Liotta comes into track. Yeah, to do Grand Theft Auto. For Grand Theft Auto. They just give him 5,000 pages of dialogue. He does one take of everything. I will say I just finished Middle Earth Shadow of Mordor. How was that? I thought the voice acting was very good in that.

See? Yeah, definitely. It can be done. It can be. What's Middle Earth Shadow of Mordor? It's a video game set in the Lord of theordor. How was that? I thought the voice acting was very good in that. See? Yeah, definitely. It can be done. It can be. Yeah. What's Middle Earth Shadow of Mordor? It's a video game set in the Lord of the Rings universe. You are a ranger who has been possessed by a wraith.

Okay. And you go off to slay various orc captains. For instance, Skadoosh the Unkillable. Gotcha. Skadoosh. Skadoosh. Dude, does his name turn out to be quite ironic? Yeah.

When I'm there, when I'm playing the game, it's pretty ironic. Gotcha. Because he's getting an arrow through the face. Gotcha. The plot, Tolkienian nonsense. Just utter madness. But the voice acting, very good, I thought. I don't know what the plot of any video game is.

Yeah. I don't know what the plot of any video game is. Yeah. Once Kumail said to me, you should get this video game where you live in a cloud city and you shoot sort of. Bioshock. There you go. Oh, yeah, Bioshock. The first one was great.

Okay, so I don't know. It wasn't the first. It was the most recent one, which I don't think was the first one. Bioshock Infinite sounds like. There you go. There you go. That's the one. That one was good, too. I didn't get through it all, but it was good.

I played that. I probably put 15 and 20 hours into playing that game. Maybe even more. Sure. No fucking clue what was happening in it. No fucking clue. Just less than zero idea of what was happening in this game.

I think video games are getting there, but I don't think anyone's ever been able to get over the hump that these are not designed to have plots. These were not invented with plot in mind. That's the part that I don't understand. It's a game. Why not have it be

a game? That's the plot that you have a game. Not everything has to be narrative. I think there are examples of people doing both well, but it's few and far between. There you go. Few and far between. They don't all need a narrative. E.T. for Atari.

E.T. for Atari. You play as a box who has to get up to a series of other boxes. You got it. With noise. At the top is the telephone for you to phone home. Yeah. As oversaid as it is, I think that the plot for The Last of Us was great. It was legitimately great.

What's that? This is a PS3 game that came out last year. Sorry, I have an Xbox 360. I'm sorry. You can't play The Last of Us. Anyways. Wait, really? You can't play it on Netflix?

No, I'm sorry. You can only get Black Mirror on Netflix. I have Amazon Prime. Oh, man, Black Mirror is great. Yeah, Black Mirror is real good. I watched two Black Mirrors like three years ago, and they upset me so much that I promised myself I would never watch it again. Yeah, yeah. I would not guess that you have the disposition to watch Black Mirror.

Oh, boy. I think you are. The Constitution. The Constitution. I said disposition it would break you down there was something did you watch the pig fucking one yeah that's so intense i had like a hard time sleeping after that i had a raging boner that's why i had a hard time sleeping i had to jack off you couldn't roll over yeah yeah uh did you how many which three did you see did you

see the whole first season then? No, I think I saw two of them. I saw a pig fucking one. I don't remember what the other one was. Did you see the future one on the bikes? Maybe so. This was literally like four years ago. Bit of like American Idol feel? Yeah, that sounds right.

That was pretty intense. That one was great. I like it. It makes me want to cry. They make me hate the episode at about 48 minutes and then at 54 they make me love it again yeah yeah it's a roller coaster it's a goddamn roller the conclusion gets me like at the i mean i don't want to ruin anything for anybody but the way that they concluded the purpose of the pig fucking i was like oh yeah that makes total

yeah like i feel like i watched five plates of credits hating it, and then they did that little post-credits thing. I'm like, of course that's how it would go. Of course. Again, I don't want to ruin it for everybody, but as it turns out, the protagonist has a human face and everyone else has a pig's face. Yeah. I think you're thinking of the Twilight Zone. So that's why they all think he's so ugly. You might have seen a different episode.

Did you watch, was this in black and white? Yeah, Black Mirror. No, no, this is the Twilight, so did Rod Serling host it? Of course Rod Serling is the host of Black Mirror. No, this is the Twilight Zone.

Why did he introduce the episode of Black Mirror that I watched? Black Mirror is in color. You guys are both mixed up. I think you're thinking of Twilight Mirror. Twilight Mirror!

It's Twilight colon breaking mirror. This is the third and final of the Twilight series. Well, I'm glad we sorted all that out. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. You wish. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, and we're really excited to be bringing it to Maximum Fun. When you hear DIY, you might think of knitting or building a birdhouse, but we're really more interested in people doing stuff like hacking the healthcare system, creating their own currencies, building their own spacesuits, that kind of thing.

We're here to remind you that you are an authority. And we think you're going to like our stories about makers, builders, inventors, and all kinds of creative people check out Destination DIY at MaximumFun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm neither of them. It's true. Addition by subtraction.

Is that the right? Yeah. I think that's about right. Yeah. Guilty by association. Martin Starr from Television Silicon Valley. It's always fun to have you here, Martin. Thank you for joining us.

Yeah. Thanks for having me. It's been a while. Yeah. I've been- 14 years. It's been 14 years. Yeah.

Can you imagine when Martin came on our show- It was in your house. About six or seven years before it was created. This is when it was hosted by you and Eric Estrada, right? This is before I was even on the show. It was just me and Eric Estrada, Jordan, Jesse, go. It didn't really, the name didn't click yet. Yeah. Jordan, didn't I talk once on the show about running across a strange children's book at the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store by my house?

I think so. Is this the one where – Oh, it was the one about a bris. Oh, I don't think I – yeah, I think you've talked about this. Okay. There's also the Richard Scarry one about donuts. Oh, that one, that did not – that was – somehow ended up in my house. Okay. I don't know. Ghosts? I introduced ghost introduced it it was horrible that is a horrible book i i uh so if uh maybe a month ago on

this show i discussed this children's book about uh bris that i found at the saint vincent de paul and i really wanted to know how they dealt with the issue of cutting off the foreskin. And it turns out that it is in like a... It turns out it's the most inappropriate pop-up book ever. 25 or 30 page book. It was just one sentence. And each page had like two, three paragraphs on it. It was a very dense children's book.

And it just said, the rabbi removes some extra skin from the baby. That's how they went about it? That's how they dealt with it. But. Did they talk about him kissing the blood away? Is that something? That's what they used to do. That doesn't seem.

It's weird. It's inappropriate. It's weird. But if God told you to do it, I mean, I say go ahead and do it, you know? Apparently that's how, like, 25 kids got herpes in one small town. Oh, God. But if Abraham did it to Isaac, who are we to say we probably shouldn't kiss penis blood? I did not read this book because I could not bring myself to do it, but there was a...

Blanche, you're anti-Semitic. No, I read that book. Oh, the Brist book. The Brist book I read. I was completely absorbed. But I was there earlier today, like 90 minutes ago, and I came across a book, a children's book, called Jerry Seinfeld Halloween. What?

It's just called – not Jerry Seinfeld's Halloween? Jerry Seinfeld? Totally unrelated to Jerry Seinfeld. Unauthorized. Yeah, Halloween's just a person's surname. Coincidentally, Seinfeld is his middle name. Coincidentally, Seinfeld is his middle name. It had a giant... I couldn't read it because it literally upset me to look at it.

And I'm a fan of Jerry Seinfeld. And Halloween. The creator of one of the greatest sitcoms of all time. Certainly probably the most important in my life. And a great stand-up comic. And I really enjoy comedians in Cars getting coffee. Enjoy that very much. His cameo in Top 5 was delightful.

Can I say something about that? Oh, way to ruin that movie for me. No, sorry. Can I offer... Jerry Seinfeld fucks a pig. Sorry. Double spoilers. Can I offer one side note about Comedians in Cars getting coffee?

You may. I do really like Comedians in Cars getting coffee. You may. What I think is the theme of every episode of that program. Have you seen it before? I have not. I have a hard time getting past the Vanity Project aspect of it. And I think if I watched it, I would not like it. Just because I am mad. Because it's such a vanity project? Yeah, yeah.

Because the log line of it is I'm combining my love of X with my love of cars. Yeah. Anyways, but I do. It probably is a good show, but I think my – I'm not ready for it personally. I need to find – I need to look into my heart. You don't need to. Look into it. Look into it anyway.

You don't have to watch the show, but look into your heart. Forgive rich guys who are super into cars and then watch the show. I have to say I'm a big fan of the show. I like to watch every episode when it comes up on my Crackle app on my Xbox 360. In fact, I like it so much that I downloaded a Crackle app. Hey. But I would be hesitant to describe it as anything other than inessential. Sure.

Okay. You don't need to go way out of your way to watch it, though it's very pleasant. You know, maybe if I was a rich guy, I would like cars, too, because I could afford all these cars. I like cars. I'm not a rich guy. I got a $10,000 car like cars too because I could afford all these cars. I like cars. I'm not a rich guy. I got a $10,000 car. I like cars. Yeah.

I like cars, but I'm not thinking about them all the time. I fuck cars. What? I should explain. I'm a car fucker. You're one of those guys. I'm going to text you a photo later. Martin, I-

There's a guy. There's an internet guy that I'm sure people have seen on the internet. Who fucks cars? He's a car fucker. But the ultimate erotic experience that he ever had, I don't know if he fucked it or just kissed it. I'm going to say he fucked it because it makes the story better. He fucked Airwolf. The helicopter that played Airwolf. Amazing.

That's like the hardest this guy has ever blasted before. People that fall in love with objects or are sexually attracted to objects? What is it called again? Jordan Morris? Jordan Morris. Oh, right, right, right. I'm telling a story about me. How hard I blasted when I fucked Airwolf. To be fair, you are on the internet. That's true.

I mean, you've got DSL, right? I've got a presence. I believe you've got DSL. I dial up. So, on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, Have you ever seen the show, Martin? I've heard about it. Well, you mostly. Then I'll have to then I'll have to assume that some portion of our audience have seen it for them to understand how profound this statement was. But basically, Bill Burr laid bare that the entire theme of that show is that Jerry Seinfeld pretends to be a nice man and isn't a not nice man, but is just deeply and profoundly misanthropic. Sure. Like, basically, the entire show is Jerry Seinfeld waiting to turn anything that happens into a weird little bit. A funny weird little bit because he's a comedy genius. He's one of the greatest stand-up comics of all time. He invented contemporary observational humor.

And he's hilarious on the show. And often he's with a guest that's hilarious. But you can just see his eyes glaze over whenever he has to talk about anything. Just any time he has to engage someone on any level other than let's do a bit together, he just dies inside. He just wilts like an old flower. Do you think it's because then he would have to admit to himself that he still dates 17-year-olds and would rather drive a Ferrari around forever than...

To be fair, I think the man's married to an adult. Oh. Is she 18 now? It's a different one. Look out, Mrs. Seinfeld. You're about to get kicked to the curb at one point. I'm kidding. I don't know or care about his sexual life. When he

says something, it's just about how everything in the world upsets him. Just everything on Earth upsets him. It seems like a bit of a miserable life, his. And not by any, I mean, by his own choice. He's got to take care of all those classic cars. He looks great. Yeah.

Looks like a million dollars. I feel like Jay Leno is probably also miserable. Really? You don't think Jay Leno's just happy? You don't think Jay Leno's just a pig in slop? I don't think he's as happy happy? You don't think Jay Leno is just a pig in slop? I don't think he's as happy as he would like you to think he is. Who do you guys think the happiest celebrity is? I think just being a celebrity, period, is such a difficult venture to also be happy in. You have to have such a grounded – you've got to have a good head on your shoulders.

Do you think George Clooney might be happy? Yes. He seems happy. What about that? I mean, I think... He seems like he's doing things that are valuable for himself and doing things that help to promote his business life. And they work hand in hand. I read a magazine story about how he

flies all of his high school buddies to like a cabin in the mountains every year. And Richard Kind. And Richard Kind. So that seems fun. That he still hangs out with his high school buddies and like they get to share in his crazy wealth. You know what? You know who seems happy? Richard Kind.

Oh, yeah. I saw Richard Kind on the street when I was in New York. Oh, that sounds fun. He didn't look that happy, actually. No. But maybe he was just a little lost. Usually he's just a ray of light. Yeah, yeah.

No hang dog looks from that guy. You know what? Amy Adams. I bet you Amy Adams is happy. Amy Adams. Yeah. Blake Griffin. Yeah, Blake Griffin.

He gets to do those cool Gamefly commercials. Which Amy is Amy Adams? Is Amy Adams the one that was on the wire or is she the one that's... Well, there's only one Amy Adams. Well, there's two Amys. I said, which Amy is Amy Adams? I get the two Amys, two celebrity Amys mixed up.

Amy Ryan is from the wire, says Brian Fernandez into our earphones. Okay. I bet Amy Ryan's happier than Amy Adams. Yeah. Not a statement. Want to get him on the phone?

Let's get him on the horn. Get the, yeah, Amy. Which one should I call? You know what? I'll call, you call Amy Ryan. Jesse, you call Amy Adams. I'll call Amy Mann. Just get throwing her in there.

Oh, great. I bet Amy Mann is very happy. She's very sincere. Sure. She's earnest. Lots of scarves. You know what? Friends with Ted Leo.

That sounds like a great life. Can I be clear about something when I say Ernest? Yeah. A lot of times Ernest is a way to insult someone for not being clever or something. That's not how I meant it. It's also someone who has both gone to jail and saved Christmas. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, Ernest. I really like Amy Mann goes to jail.

Amy Mann seems like she's really doing her thing. Sure. You know what I mean? Like she really believes in her work and like that's what I mean by that. I find that people say more than earnest. They'll say, yeah, he's really nice. That's like the slam. Yeah.

But it's not intentionally cutting. It's just like I don't know what else to say about them. You know who's nice, Jordan? And usually they are really nice. Martin Starr. Thanks, guys. That guy. I think he's more else to say about them. You know who's nice, Jordan? And usually they are really nice. Martin Starr. Thanks, guys. That guy? I think he's more earnest than he's nice.

What? Both? He is a little bit like earnest. I feel like you guys are really trying to hurt me. Have you ever fought goblins on Halloween? Ever been scared stupid? So Jerry Seinfeldeen yeah it's like it's an orange book and it just has a giant caricature of contemporary jerry seinfeld or

you know maybe 10 years ago eight years ago jerry seinfeld what is he wearing is wearing a jeans and a polo is he wearing a blazer like a superman costume like uh i think if i'm remembering correctly it's like one of those, but like one of those kind of bib costumes that's barely anything. You know, it's just like a, basically a garbage bag with Superman written on it. Side note. Yeah. So Jerry Seinfeld famously liked Superman.

Yeah. Do you think he was like into, do you think he just liked to buy shit with Superman on it? Or do you think he was like concerned with Superman continuity? Like, does he have strong opinions about Mr. Mitzopitalik? Sure, yeah. Does he know that there's an Earth 2? I think, this is what I think. Okay.

I think he knows a lot about, what are we, probably Silver Age. I get my ages mixed up. Yeah. But I think it would be probably about Silver Age, right? Like the 60s or something? Yeah. Right? That's about Jerry Seinfeld's era.

Okay. He's about 60 or so, I would imagine. Yeah. So that would put him, yeah, somewhere in the 60s where he was. Like he knows his childhood Superman, but as an adult, he only takes his Superman in alarm clock form. Okay. A giant framed picture of a Superman stamp that's in his living room or something. Does he have a tattoo of the Superman logo on his butt?

I wish. That would be so hot. That would be so fucking hot. I'm trying to think back. Put your dick away. No, no, no. I'm sorry, guys. Jordan.

Gotta jerk it. This isn't the place. If not now, when? Oh, at home. When I'm sorry, guys. Jordan. Gotta jerk it. This isn't the place. If not now, when? Oh, at home. When I'm alone. All right. Yes. Yes.

I mean. Okay. Yes. I'll finish up. And I'm done. You guys have any other feelings about. So anyway, Jerry Seinfeld Halloween. That's it.

It just says Jerry Seinfeld Halloween. You didn't read it? I'm still amazed that we came back to the book. Well, I want to wrap it up. We went off forever. That's because I'm a professional host. You've got to come back around. You've got to come back around.

If you leave a hanging thread, autistics will stop listening. Yeah. So. Is that a big part of the audience? Hard to say. We are podcasters. Hard to say. Is that a new demo?

Just. Yeah. I have a new podcast where I just throw it out a box of toothpicks. And that's it? That's it. Silence from the majority of the time. How many do you think there were? Anyway.

Jerry Seinfeld. Halloween. So you didn't read it? Why would I? Just so you could tell us about it. Because we're curious. It was weird. It gave me the creeps.

Yeah. Because it was like adult Jerry Se weird. It gave me the creeps. Yeah. Because it was like adult Jerry Seinfeld in a giant head caricature. It was like a finely wrought boardwalk caricature of him as a child with an adult head, a giant adult head on Halloween. with an adult head, a giant adult head on Halloween. And then I looked at the back of it briefly, and it contained no further evidence as to what it was. Yeah. Like, there wasn't, like... Did you look inside the book?

No. Yeah. I told you. Good call. That's how the spirits get out. The spirit of character Jerry Seinfeld is trapped in the book. I, yeah, it was. Listen, if the Evil Dead movies have taught me anything.

Which they clearly have. They've taught me a lot. Because if you see a creepy book, don't open it and recite what's in it. Yeah. Or else you'll be dead by dawn. Or bare, bare minimum, you're going to have to take baby Jerry Seinfeld trick-or-treating. Yeah, it's so weird that like the star of a sitcom for grownups, like, oh, I think kids will relate to this man.

It was like, you know what I think it might have been? Does he have kids? I think he does. I think his wife, whether 17 or not, doesn't she do like healthy cookbooks? Isn't that her thing? or not. Doesn't she do like healthy cookbooks? Isn't that her thing? She does.

She's an interesting character. But he definitely has kids because there was a really the best moment in the history of comedians in cars getting coffee was he had Colin Quinn on. And Jerry Seinfeld was saying stuff about kids and like how he experiences

the world through their eyes and uh it's like being young again and he basically said it gives him a reason to live like he really basically just said that and uh colin quinn was sort of confused but jerry seinfeld was basically saying you're old you! You've seen everything! Nothing's exciting anymore! Why would you want to be around? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And Colin Quinn's like, geez, I don't know. And then

Jerry Seinfeld's like, you don't have kids! Why do you get up in the morning? What is there in this world to get excited about? And then Colin Quinn goes, well, I hear that downtown Abbey's pretty good. I like Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn is hilarious.

Anyway, that's the story of when I found Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. He's a funny guy. Martin. Who is that? That was nice enough. Jordan here. Hey, Jordan.

I was addressing the audience and tell them, you were nice enough to bring us some delicious, healthy Brazil nuts to snack on. You're welcome. Was that a Christmas? That's not for everybody. No, yeah. Just the people. Did you bring enough for everyone listening to the podcast?

No. Did you bring enough for Brian? Yes. It seems like what you're excluding right now is Brian. No, no. Brian, you can have some, but you have to wait until you open the door again and give us some fresh air. That was a Christmas gift, the bag of Brazil nuts? It was in my stocking.

And did they come in that sort of grocery store bag that you... Correct. So not a lot of artifice in your stockings. And it says organic Brazil nuts on one side of this thing. Oh, that's the twist tie. Yes, correct. It's a combination label and twist tie. And it had the ribbon.

Oh, it does have a nice ribbon. Yeah. My mom went for it. So is this a typical thing for you to get in your stocking? I don't have stockings. Okay. No. So this was a first?

We haven't done stockings in a while. Is it because your mother is Jewish, but she's dating a Lutheran, and so they decided to have both at home this year? No, but would you like to guess again? Because I think you're on to something. That's a plan I came up with that would explain why you haven't had stockings before and why your mom had such an odd idea for a thing to put in a stocking. No, it's because I think she's been more health conscious lately. Okay. And I don't know. Usually we go away for Christmas like to Kansas or something and see our relatives.

But this year we just kind of had a Christmas here in L.A. And we saw some of my friends. Went to two different friends' places and then we went to the Clippers game. Oh. And she just brought over a stocking. I feel like the Clippers beat the Warriors on Christmas Day. They did. It was a great, great game.

What a disappointment. I bet you were disappointed because, like any right-thinking man, you were rooting for the Warriors. Nope. He's got a Clippers hat on his knee, folks. He's a fan of the Clippers. And today they just lost to the Toronto Raptors, unfortunately. Well, fucking Drake's somewhere celebrating.

Fucking Drake. I can't stand thinking about Drake being happy. You know what? Sometimes I think that, like, every time, like, you would think that Drake wouldn't be happy because so many of his records are so mopey and self-pitying. But I think self-pity makes him happy. Of course. I thought you were going to say, do you think that every time Drake smiles, an angel dies? That is, that's originally what I was going to say.

I changed course early in the sentence. I met him once. He was very nice. I've heard that about Drake. Yeah. I mean, he's Canadian. What are you going to do? Oh, sure.

Polite. Yeah. Nice guy. I don't like his music, but I think he's a nice guy. Okay. You know what I think he should do? Just act. Yeah. You know he's handsome.

He's on Degrassi Junior High or whatever. Sure. He's proved his chops in the world of teen soaps, which is the hardest kind of acting. Martin, you're an actor. You know that, you know, that's the big time. Listen, what? I think it's all really easy. Acting. I know. Yeah, especially junior high school acting. Sure. There you go. Yeah. Drake, get out of the music game a different show that I would watch when I was homesick from school on PBS, I would be 100 percent behind him. That's why I'm behind Ben Affleck.

He was on The Voyage of the Mimi. I think he's great just because I have all these fond memories of the episode where they got stranded and they didn't have fresh water. And then the deaf woman created a tarp. Made a tarp to collect the water. I remember that tarp. That sounds like a good episode of Black Mirror. Yeah, it does. Have you guys tried listening to his first album? Drake's first album?

Yeah. I have not, no. I have only listened to it. I listened to it three times. A friend of mine got it for me. When it was like when Drake, when it was happening. I think I listened to it three times. A friend of mine got it for me. I think I listened to it when it was happening. I think I listened to it, yeah. I listened to it three times, and I only say tried because I feel like I never really connected with it,

and I think that's the problem that I have with it is that I— Is that he wasn't on Voyager the Mimi? It's that he wasn't on Voyager the Mimi. I didn't find any depth in the songs that I could relate to there was no humanity in it it was like like at least when i listened to like lil wayne there's like he's just going crazy he's just trying to make up the craziest shit and doing as much wordplay as possible and he's good at it he's really good at it exceptionally good at it but I haven't found what there is about Drake that I can

connect with. Have you gentlemen watched the documentary about Lil Wayne? Yes. I've heard about this. It's incredible. This is a thing. I should watch it. I've had it described to me at countless parties. I should just watch the thing. You should watch it. It's sincerely one of the best

documentaries about, or it maybe isn't one of the most artful documentaries about art that I've ever seen. Like it's a pretty – it's not ineffective. It's like a pretty good well-constructed but it's not – that's not the thing that makes it so amazing. No. It's just watching Lil Wayne is un-fucking-real. It is unreal. It's like you're watching some kind of insane space genius. Yeah.

That, yeah, it is crazy. And then Baby, a.k.a. number one stunner, comes on. And a.k.a. Birdman, you know, from the rich gang. And he comes on and he is literally the most bone-chillingly terrifying human being I've ever watched do anything. He has – like he doesn't just have a dead soul. He has a soul that seems to sort of seep out through his face tattoos and suck the life out of other souls around him. Do you think dead eyes come with a face tattoo? Because those two things are linked, right?

Like having – Well, Lil Wayne has a bunch of face tattoos. Oh, OK. Yeah, and Lil Wayne has a very lively soul. Not dead eye. He does. OK. They seem to be linked though.

I'll tell you what. There's something about, like, oh, jeez. There's just a scene in the movie where Baby gives Lil Wayne a Bentley. And you can tell it's instead of paying him for anything he's ever done in his entire career. No, I think Lil Wayne's making the money at this point. You think Lil Wayne's making the money? Oh, yeah. Birdman had a moment. You don't think Birdman's making the money at this point. You think Lil Wayne's making the money? Oh, yeah. Birdman had a moment. You don't think Birdman's taking home...

Birdman is the founder and creator of the most successful independent label in hip-hop history. Yeah, but Lil Wayne is making the money. I mean, he's the face of it. Without him, there is no label. Without him, there is no label. Birdman had a minute in like 2002 or 2004 where like I just remember everyone that I knew was listening to like a song or two of his and then his album came out. Oh, well, I don't think he's – And then I haven't heard of him again except in connection to Lil Wayne. Oh, yeah, but I think he's stealing slash taking everyone's money on the entire label.

Like, I don't think he's making Lil Wayne money as a rapper. He's master peeing it. Oh, and more in a terrifying and upsetting way based on this documentary in which Lil Wayne, knowing that people are making a documentary about him, just drinks codeine cough syrup out of a giant big gulp glass the entire time. That's great. In every single scene. He's like clearly an alcoholic. There's like rampant drug abuse.

It is insane. But whatever. Guys, I'm going to watch this thing. He's a genius. I'm going to watch it. And he doesn't even need to be sober to get up on stage and be a genius. And it is one of the most compelling documents of genius that I've ever seen. Like to see artistic genius happening before your eyes.

I wonder if it's just like he's been conditioned. Like that's all he knows. Yeah. I think that's what it is. That's like the one thing he can do eating might be a problem but anytime he can get up on stage or with a microphone or with a pen in his hand he can come up with amazing lyrics for a rap song all he's dedicated his entire life to since he was 12 years old or however old he was when he signed was is that kick flips and playing horrible guitar for a period of about three

or four years there, like four or five years ago. That was bad. But yeah. Anyway, watch that Lil Wayne documentary. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Bye! La la la la la la la la la

This is all things considered. This is 99% invisible. You're listening to Pop Culture Happy Hour. It's Bullseye. The podcast Song Exploder does pretty much what its name suggests. Musicians break apart songs so you can hear the pieces. Track by track, instrument by instrument. How they were imagined, created, and built into a composition. And all of these artistic decisions are packed into this 11 or 12 minute show.

It's really fascinating to hear them explain how they fit these pieces together. The concept is simple, but brilliant. Subscribe to Song Exploder at songexploder.net. You can also find it on iTunes or wherever you download podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm neither of them once more.

If you're one of those people that hates chewing in your ear, it's my fault. I literally started this segment just as Martin Starr was putting a Brazil nut into his mouth. Isn't that always the way? I feel like every time I start a segment, somebody's putting a Brazil nut. Story of my life. Yeah. Is it? Jeez Louise. It is.

That's the story. I've got an awful life. I've had a very dull life. Just a lot of chewing. A lot of chewing. A lot of healthy oils. That's chewing. A lot of healthy oils. That's true. A lot of healthy oils. Selenium. Uh-huh. Healthy fats.

Guess what, gang? Two live Jordan Jesse goes coming up. What? This is a rare opportunity for those of you on the West Coast. Yeah. We don't do this willy-nilly. No. We're not always, we're not out on the road, working the road like a... We're not grinding. We're not grinding. This isn't destiny. We're not Merle Haggard. We're not looking on the road working the road like a- We're not grinding. We're not grinding.

This isn't Destiny. We're not Merle Haggard. We're not looking for loot caves. You're not? Martin, do you find any loot caves while you're playing Destiny? In real life, I find them all the time. Oh, wow. Do you want to let me know where they are?

They're called alleys, and in these alleys, there are things called dumpsters, and when you open them up, you get crazy things. Sounds like great loot. In these alleys, there's something called a heroin dealer. He's got all the loot you need. In Shadows

of Mordor. Yeah. Middle Earth Shadows of Mordor. How fast do the things happen? When I get flustered? I think so, yeah. There's a lot of fast fighting. A lot of combo-based action.

Okay. No, I'm out. Yeah. I like going around and doing stuff. Oh, yeah. If you want to grind, you should play Diablo. I don't really want to grind.

I want to have strategy. Grind! I like strategy more than grinding. I don't like anything where you have to do the same thing over and over. I hate that. But you like Skyrim? Isn't that all Skyrim is?

You can do that in Skyrim. I learned later. Sure. I just played the adventures. Gotcha. And then you would just go from place to place playing adventures. And you would get more powerful by playing adventures. Oh, okay. You know, shooting. And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, I can kill a bully mammoth now.

You know what I mean? Yeah, Shadow of Mordor is great, but yeah, I think yeah, very, very fast, stressful battles. Okay. No, I can't deal with that. Guess what I can deal with, Jordan? Hmm? Live Jordan Jesse Go shows. Me too.

We're going to be doing a show January 6th at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. MaximumFun.org presents. We're hoping to make this a regular UCB show. That would be fun. Maximum Fun presents. I think it is going to be really cool if people want to come to this. Probably come. Jordan, Jesse, go.

Make it a regular thing. Jordan, Jesse, go along with Travis McElroy's new podcast with Andy Bolt, Bunker Buddies, which is a delightful program. It's going to be a quick show. Sure. It's going to be a blast. We've got Emily Gordon from The Indoor Kids coming along. Mm-hmm.

She's delightful. Doesn't get any more delightful than Emily Gordon, basically. It doesn't. I think it's going to be a great show. Martin Star is right up there. Martin Star. Delta Burke. Emily Gordon is better.

Delta Burke trumps everyone. Yeah. Right. Burke's the best. Well, I mean, the thing is- Old free blowjob Burke. Oh, man. Her kids are really hating you is. Old free blowjob Burke. Oh, man. Her kids are really hating you guys.

Yeah. Jordan. Sorry, Jiminy Burke. She's probably pumping her fist. Is that real? I don't know. That's the son named Jiminy Burke. Tickets for that show are on sale.

Tickets for that show are on sale. It's us, Emily Gordon, Bunker Buddies, Jiminy Burke, and the ghost of the African-American gentleman from Designing Women. He died. Tickets for that are on sale at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater website, or you can find the link at MaximumFun.org. Just look in the right-hand column under live shows. And we're coming to SF Sketch Fest. Yes. SF Sketch Fest.

SF Sketch Fest alongside my brother, my brother, and me. Can I tell you the truth? Yeah. This is just straight talk. Sure. Martin, do you mind being included in this fucking truth bomb? Yeah, bring it. We did a show with my brother, my brother, and me here in Los Angeles a few months ago.

Sure. It was a delight. Blast. It's always great to hang out with some of our favorite dudes who also host one of our favorite podcasts. That said, in future, I would like more Jordan Jesse Go fans to come to our show. You can and should also like my Brother, My Brother and Me. I just want less blank, confused stares when we walk on stage. Let's have some enthusiasm.

I mean, I think just the problem is the JJ Go fans, they're so notoriously chill. They don't get those tickets till day of, day before. They're out there chillaxing while the Mbim Bam fans, they're quick on the trigger. Constantly refreshing. Yeah. Looking for the link to go up. Yeah. We'll make Pokemon jokes too.

Look, we're perfectly capable. I can do anything Justin McElroy can do. Jordan can handle Travis and Griffin. There you go. You can make all the Pokemon jokes and all the board game jokes or whatever it is that Travis jokes about. Sure. Let me be clear. Let me be clear. I don't know anything about either

of those things. I will be making jokes about jokes I've heard about those. Yeah, exactly. No, we're delighted for anyone who comes to our show, but we do want to see some Jordan Jesse Go fans out there. Get out there. You can buy those tickets online.

Just follow the link at MaximumFun.org, or you can go to SFSketchFest.com. That is going to be an absolute fucking delight. I'm really looking forward to it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we're going to be fucking before, after, and to some extent during the show. Martin, are you guys doing Sketch Fest stuff?

I'll be there. What days will you be there? No, okay. We can't now. I think they had initially scheduled us to do a panel, and I couldn't make it, but I think everybody else is coming up, and then our schedule changed, and so we have to shoot on Saturday, I believe, which is when it cuts us out of the whole thing. That's more money to spend on Jordan Jesse Go believe which is when it cuts us out that's more

money to spend on jordan jesse go tickets i guess there you go no you don't understand uh we get paid the same amount oh okay well so what would you have paid for your jordan jesse go tickets if you were coming up well i would have been like i would have emailed you i'm like hey give me on the list jesse you only get to put people. Get me in that coked out green room. That famous. I got a couple friends coming to San Francisco with me. I don't know. I mean, like, if there's, you know.

Who would the friends have been? Kumail Nanjiani. Peter Dinklage. Peter Dinklage. Are you friends with Peter Dinklage? Yeah, Peter. Everyone on HBO is friends. We all know each other.

You, Dinklage, Justin Theroux, Lena Dunham. A small dragon is coming. Hey, I have a real question. Sure. Yeah. In designing women, do they design cyborg female-looking women? Mm-hmm. I think that's what it's about.

It's about a futuristic real doll company. It's like an episode of Black Mirror in that way. I can confirm. But it's a whole show for seasons. Martin, I host a show about, a podcast about designing women called Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Podcast.

And I can confirm. Do you know what it would be called if Chris Hardwick hosted an after show to designing women? What's that? Discussing women. Anyway. Oh, man.

You know what it would be called if instead of Chris Hardwick hosting the show, it was two ladies and they had like festering sores? You mean herpes. Disgusting women. Disgusting women, yeah. This is fun. Designing Women, yeah. This is fun. But yes, Designing Women is about a futuristic real doll factory and the dolls eventually rise up to kill the humans who fuck them.

Yes, Jesse. What if instead of coming out after Designing Women, it came on after some architects gave a talk? Guess what it would be called? Designing Women? No, Designing Buildings. Oh. Designing buildings. That'd be great. Thank you.

Thank you very much. I like this building that we're in now. This is a nice building. Thank you. Thank you very much, Martin. Well, did you build it? Designing buildings with Martin Starr. You just say you like a building,

and then that's the end of the show. Okay. If you're in San Francisco or Los Angeles, come to our show. I should also mention this SF Sketch Fest show will certainly have special. Oh, God. I have a Brazil mug. Please have a Brazil mug. I might eat you if you want.

I'll finish. I'll finish your thought. This SF Sketch Fest show will almost certainly have special punishments. Oh, my God. A lot of special punishments. Oh, my God. A lot of special punishments. So come and get punished. Get your balls stomped on. I said something kind of poison Brazil nut.

I couldn't talk. I had a fleck of Brazil nut on my uvula. That sounds hot. That's the kind of punishment we're looking for. Yeah. Hot nut punishments. We'll be back in just a second. Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Jesse Morris. No. Wait, what? What? Sorry. I'm Jordan Thorne. There you go. No. Come on what? What? Sorry. Come on.

Jordan Thorne. There you go. No. Come on. I'm Kumail Nanjiani. There you go. You know what's the cruelest thing? I like all these names.

Martin Starr isn't even his real name. It's a stage name. Starr is short for Starkey. Right. Martin Starkey. That's my real name. Why did you have to tell everyone? Sorry.

You should team up with Jiminy Burke. Martin Starkey and Jiminy Burke. The Jiminy Starkey Show. Designing buildings. Designing buildings. Jiminy Starkey. We'll do a podcast soon. I'm sure he'll reach out to me as soon as he gets wind of this.

You said something when we were off microphone. You just offhandedly mentioned. I went to an S&M club. You went to an S&M club in San Francisco shortly after shooting some scenes in AT&T Park. I think it was the night before we were going to shoot. And we all got up there a day early. The Silicon Valley gang. Yeah.

Okay. So this is you. It's me. David Hewlett. Yeah. Okay. So this is you. It's me. David Hewlett. No. John Packard. It was me, Thomas, Zach. They got to get a Dell guy.

I think TJ was not there. And Kumail was having bowel issues. So he was at the hotel. And Kumail was having bowel issues, so he was at the hotel. So it was me, Thomas, Zach, and Jonathan, our, like, tech guy, and a friend of his who had introduced us to this adventure. And who else was there? I think there were other. Oh, and, yeah, a couple other people that worked on the show. And I think there was like a group of like eight or nine of us but for the most part um

thomas and i were talking about how weird the whole experience was and we were just watching people like a woman just like walked up behind there's like a bit of like a gated off area like velvet ropes and on the other side if you were part of this club i guess um or i don't know if she paid to like do this or if it was just like this is just how it works you come here regularly but she like got tied up very slowly like the whole process like you you're just watching this guy like meticulously wrap her and she got completely naked. I think she had covers. I think she had like nipple tassels or something and bikini bottoms.

And then she got tied up and lifted up on the rafter. So then she's just like hanging. And then he like flips her upside down. So now she's hanging upside down and she starts scrubbing his boots. He's in like a military

garb and then he's got like these black boots. This is a very specific fantasy. It was really interesting. It was just crazy to sit in a club drinking a beer watching this happen. What kind of beers were available? I don't know. Stella Artois.

Anything crafty? I don't think I went crafty. I hate S&M clubs that do not have craft beers. I know. I'm not going to drink a domestic. I brew my own at home. I don't know if you guys know this. But I love craft brewing.

Craft beer. Science. Brewing. Gear. Yeah. Exactly. And just guys. Movies.

Yeah. Gaming. You got it. There are no women in here. Yeah. And that's how we like it. That's how we like it. Oh.

Just cool dudes talking about the lifestyle. Again, I may be on the wrong show. No, no. Here you are. You're on the right show, dude. You got a dick, right? You're on the right show. Were other people boned out?

Were there people stroking it? When you say boned out, no one was stroking it. Yeah, I think this was like a show. Yeah, it was like, it wasn't sexual in context. It was, I don't know. I mean it was clearly like a sexual fantasy, but it wasn't like – no one was getting off. It was just like the experience is what they were there for. It seems like a hassle if you're not getting off.

No, I don't think that's the purpose of it. But I guess you don't jerk it in a strip club. I think this is just a type of strip club for someone who's got a different deal. I do think it's a bit of foreplay, yeah. I usually jerk it in most entertainment situations. You and Pee Wee Herman. Yeah. I mean, like, I'm thinking about going to the Chinese New Year show next month.

Uh-oh. And I'm thinking about jerking it. I wouldn't jerk it, Jesse. You're already thinking about it? You're not going to wait to be inspired by what happens there? Well, the odds that I'll be inspired, given that the arts come together for heaven and earth. Sure. I'm pretty high.

Fat Choi. That's what I say. Are pretty high. Yeah. It's pretty high. But if I go to the Shen Yun, I, it gets called, I'm going to end up jerking it. Then something crazier happened at this place.

Okay. Well, at the end of that story is that she like... Was there music playing? Yeah, there's music. It's like a normal club and people are talking. It's like Top 40? It's not crazy loud. No, it's like, you know, I think it was like... Shake it off. That song is everywhere. You can't get away from it.

You can't get away from it. There were so many popular tunes. You can't get away from it. That was surprising that there were like weird popular tunes, but whatever. It's just like a normal club. Sure. Seems like it would be all Bauhaus or something, you know? I don't know what that is. It's like a goth band. I feel like there was goth music. I remember

classic rock playing at some point. Like Sweet Home Alabama? Skittered, yeah. No, like Zeppelin or something. Okay. You know what? I could see getting spanked to Zeppelin. Yeah, something a little... Not today, you won't.

A little Dungeon-y. Yeah. Right? It's got a Dungeon-y vibe. Sure. Yeah, definitely. Something with some castles in it. But she had a toothbrush

and she cleaned his boots and then pristinely tied his laces before she was turned right side up and then untied and sat down. And that was the whole thing that happened was she got tied up, flipped upside down. God, that is specific. And then she cleaned his boots, flipped back up up untied. But while we were watching this, this girl came up to me and Thomas and Zach and she had said that she met me at some point. I forget where. And then she proceeded to –

Oh, on the television show Freaks and Geeks. Incorrect. Sunday School. No. She thought – I mean she had seen Freaks and Geeks but she said that we met somewhere and I don't – oh, on an airplane. And that she thought I gave her the eye. The like, I want to do sex with you eye.

Like the hey, hey, hey eye or like the stink eye? No, like the good eye. We should explain. Martin has one good eye and one wonky eye. I gave her, yeah, I mean, I really have to pull it together when I'm working so that they look normal together. Right. Sure. But usually I do have the one that just kind of drips off. It's a glass eye.

I mean it is not even – he lost his eye in an episode. Actually, when he was – before Freaks and Geeks, a lot of people don't know this. Martin was actually on a show called The Voyage of the Mimi. And a rogue tarp blew away. He got in a fight with that old guy with the beard who was leading the whaling ship. Wait, whale observing ship. He had a tiny harpoon and it went just in my eye.

You got it. And he pulled it back. And now whenever you see a hot chick on an airplane, you pop that little glass motherfucker out and give it to her. Yeah. Giving you the eye. The funny thing is at the same, right after I did hot chick on an airplane, you pop that little glass motherfucker out and give it to her. Yeah. Giving you the eye. The funny thing is, right after I did Freaks and Geeks, I did this short film called Eyeball Eddie about a kid with a glass eye. Oh.

So all of that's true for that backstory. Sure. But she said that we had met on an airplane. I gave her the good eye. Was she in fetish stuff? No. She was just there, I think, with the same. Like engineer overalls. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. She was there for the same experience I think we were. She has the train core style of dress, right? Train core. Yeah, I'm over norm core. I'm all about train core now. Everything, all hickory stripe everything. Yeah, a little neckerchief.

I don't know. Pocket watch. Everybody dresses like Buddy Lee. Anyway. What? It's just like, you know, what if Goofy's dressed like train guys? It's like a hipster that dresses like a train engineer at the miniature trains at the- Oh, man. Travel town.

Yeah, travel town. Well, she did not dress like that. She dressed like a normal person. She then told us that she was thinking about going up and getting spanked. But I think it was just to get attention from us. And then we were like, I mean mean have you ever done anything like this before and she was like no i was just thinking and i think it was really just to get you know severe amount of attention from us and then she was like i would definitely do it if one of you guys were

spanking me and then she kind of painted herself into a corner oh yeah also this woman was married and we were like what was her was hubby around? Husband was not in town. And my first question was, so you just came here on a whim and you're going to go up and get naked in front of everybody? She'd probably at least send a text. Are you going to tell your husband? And she was like, no. Like, it was very obvious that this was just going to be her secret. I think she was just hoping anything crazy would happen. She was hoping for a story.

I think she was just hoping anything crazy would happen. She was hoping for a story. Do you think it's possible that she had been on the airplane from Los Angeles to San Francisco with you earlier that day and had been following you ever since? No, it was not from that day. It was from a long time ago. So she said. Yes. And who knows?

Maybe I did give her the old good eye. So did you. So she did not end up getting a public. No, but spanking one of the guys that owns the place or worked there, managed it, maybe came over and started talking to her. She painted herself into a corner. Yeah. He started talking to her about like the logistics of it. And and it was interesting to hear him talk to her because he was all about the purity of the act and the experience itself. So he wasn't like just trying to get her up and abuse this kind of power that he had, which was that people have this desire to act out sexually or romanticize this, you know, semi-savage experience. And he talked to her about it at great length and talked her out of it basically although it didn't take much she wasn't she was looking for an out at that point yeah but he was like are you married and he was like i don't think you should do this with someone that you haven't

been with before and that i don't think you should be in a relationship outside of this room like you should know the person that's going to perform this with you. And it was just – it made it – it made the whole thing awesome to be in that club because it wasn't just like – it wasn't just bullshit. Like there wasn't – there was a moral code. There is a lot of like jargon that goes along with that stuff. And yeah, I think that will scare away the fair weather spanky. I don't think it was the jargon.

I mean, the point I was trying to make was that he had a... There was a... Yeah, because I could see how this could be something that someone has a couple drinks and is like... He was a man. He was a man.

He was like a good gentleman. He was a good guy. A gentleman spanker. Yeah. And he wasn't necessarily saying that he was going to do it. He was just talking to her about it because first you have to approach somebody, I guess, that runs the place before you just get up on stage and do that stuff. Sure. And as someone who had his taint washed at Burning Man this year.

You did? I did. Whoa. I believe you had your taint washed at Burning Man this year. You did? I did. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I believe you had your taint blasted. Taint blasted with a water blast. I had a taint blast with a water blaster from a man who- Did you bend over and get your butthole washed? I bent and spread, yes.

You bent and spread? As to give the blaster access to my taint. This has been discussed on a previous episode. I will field questions. What you're leaving out is that you were penetrated by water in your butthole cavity. Yeah. Well, I mean, water got – he was pretty accurate with that. Why would he only wash the taint when all the poo is around the sphincter hole?

Well, he wasn't a sphincter washer. Yeah, he's a taint washer. That's a whole different guy. And it wasn't a cleanliness thing. It was a – How many beads did you have to trade him? All of my beads. Give me all your beads.

Two feathers and a gold bead. I will say that I – What was nice is he washed your beads for you. Yeah, it's nice. They were in my rectum. That was good. They were in my rectum. That was good.

I was doing that as a goof, you know, for the story. Sure. Do it for the Vine, they say. I'm always doing it for the Vine. Jesus Christ. If you want to work in entertainment or just believe in the power of entertainment, don't read the New Yorker profile about professional Vine people. Oh, God, yeah. Because it'll just make you want to shoot yourself in the face.

Why? Okay, continue. Wait, is that a thing? Yes. Yeah. Oh, God, it's so horrible. Vine is a thing? Oh, yes. Vine is still a thing?

Yeah, and kids make money yelling at it. Wait, really? Yeah. And falling over. They've put on wigs. Sometimes they have wigs, and sometimes they dance to Taylor Swift songs. Is this the Vine app that's paying these people to do this so that they have more publicity? They make sponsored Vines.

Yeah, sneaker companies mostly. Brands sponsor them to make Vines. It's mostly like Jordans, like expensive Jordans, right? Anyway. Is that real? It's totally real. And it's the worst. It's the fucking worst.

I knew a guy who tried to convince me once that his Vine shorts were funny. And I had to profusely tell him no. No, it's just not funny. He was so adamant about having cracked the code on Vine that he was a brilliant Vine. And it was interesting. Nah, dude. It was interesting, but in 10 seconds? I don't even want to watch somebody's vines whose vines are funny. I don't even want to watch Matt Bronger's vines.

Here's one vine. There's one vine I can point to. Have enough ADD as it is. I will describe the one funny vine. It's this cat. The death cat. The guy's filming this cat. It's pretty good so far.

It's a fluffy cat. Yeah. It's like a purebred fluffy cat. It's got a scrunchy face. Purebred fluffy cat. You must be a scrunchy face. Purebred fluffy cat. You must be a breeder. I am a breeder, yeah. These are technical terms.

This is its Latin name. What kind of cat do you have? A fluffy. A fluffy. Martin, you can trust us. This is a Designing Women podcast. Oh, right. Apologies.

And the person holding the camera asks the cat, do you want a treat? And then the cat opens its mouth. The meow has been replaced. So what happens is a guy says, the person holding the camera says, do you want a treat? And the cat goes, yes. It's really funny. But it's just a short video. How do they do that?

You know, with THX. Gotcha. Lucasfilm. Gotcha. They do it up at Skywalker Ranch. Dolby Digital. The audience is listening to a cat say yas. Wait, but I thought the thing about Vine was that you just hold it.

Because that's just one clip, right? Yeah. That's the whole clip. It often has a jump cut, a humorous jump cut. The jump cuts are what make a vine a vine. Otherwise, you're just looking at a video. So that's not even a vine. Otherwise, you're just watching a cool video about fourth meal.

The cat says yas three times. So these are three different. Do you guys want to watch it? There's three different vines. It's one vine. We have to take some calls. If you hear a cat that says yas, or something else momentous happens to you,

we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. Brian, let's hear our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Momentous Occasions. Brian, let's hear our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and probable guest. This is Ernesto from Los Angeles, and I have a momentous occasion. I was riding my bike up to work through

Santa Monica down Main Street, and I looked to my right, and there is two little old people walking hand-in-hand, and that's two little old people walking hand in hand. And that's not momentous, but the woman, this little elderly old woman, had on her head a birdcage sitting on her head. She wasn't holding it. She wasn't even making sure it was not wobbling.

She was just sitting there on her head, and there was a big white bird in the birdcage. I don't know what this was about. I really wanted to stop and take a picture of her, but I thought that might be a little creepy. I guess that's how she takes her bird for walks. I don't know. Yeah, I guess. L.A., what can you say?

You said it. Holly weird. Probably a cockatoo. Probably a cockatoo. Cockatiel? Could be a cockatiel. I think it was a cockatoo or a cockatiel. Is the first one a cockatiel and the second one you get is a cockatoo. Probably a cockatoo. Cockatiel? Could be a cockatiel. I think it was a cockatoo or a cockatiel. Is the first one a cockatiel and the second one you get is a cockatoo?

There's a cockatoo one and then there's a cockatoo. Let's call the whole thing off. We just made the perfect vine. Only the bird could say yas. Only the bird could say yas. I mean, the thing, the guys who made that yas video, the talent that he has is not necessarily a comedy talent. It's a talent in, I guess, cat training. Sure.

Because he taught a cat to say yas yeah yeah yeah I mean the video is just documenting it like I mean you've heard the expression like David Blaine isn't great at making TV specials he's great at magic you've heard the expression it's like hurting cat yeah well I mean imagine trying to teach a cat to say yas. But then you're piping Smokey Martin's star. I didn't bring my pipe, but I will remember it next time. We got another caller. He was probably teaching that cat before Vine was even invented.

And he's like, what's the best way to showcase this cat that can say yas? He's like, these YouTube videos, they're too long. He only knows one word. It's a miracle. But a miracle of short duration.

Did he make three videos or are they all one video where he does it three times? So there's one video where the cat says yas three times. But on YouTube, they looped it so you could watch it for five minutes straight. What? And it's really fun to watch. I'm going to look it up. Look it up.

Let's all look it up. Can I tell you what I think of this video? Yeah. Whether I'm going to watch it for five minutes straight on YouTube? No. No. Let's take our next call. Guys, stop watching the Yoss video.

We're doing a podcast. Jordan, Jesse, go. Momentification number two, because this is Van, formerly from Alabama, currently asking Colorado. There he is. Standing ovation. Hi, Van. I do. I blame my very thick syrupy accent, but my name is actually Ben as in Benjamin, not Van as in the vehicle.

If you guys are disappointed in that and want to hate me, that would be fine. Van is not the first symbol in Ben's name. Yeah, just listened to the episode today with Martin Marin. And heard you guys talk about me again, which tickled me to death. But, yeah, Aspen Life, pretty cool. Definitely a lot more snow than I'm used to. Snowboarding is a little difficult to get used to. My ass has been bruised up a couple times,

but it's all good. Working as a liftie, no weed business for me. I'm working for Aspen Skiing Company, and if any listeners or yourselves happen to see a guy from Alabama on his name tag named Ben. It's Benjamin, not the vehicle.

Say hey. I'd love to talk to you. But yeah, other than that, Ben's pretty simple. Easy job. Listen to Jordan just to go and never got funny. I'm Mercedes Ben. Good Sean Hodgman a lot, so just to pass the time. It's a very boring job, but

just as last time, y'all be good. Love y'all. Roll Tide. We love you, Todd. We love you, too. We don't need a Roll Tide. You may have tried to defy us by claiming that your name was Benjamin, like the vehicle.

It's Van, like the man. Yeah, exactly. Van the man. Van the man! It's Van! Van the man. Yeah, exactly. Van the man. Van the man. It's Van. Van the man from Aspen, from Alabama. Martin, for your comprehension, this was a cool guy who called a couple weeks ago who's got a cool stony southern accent who's moving to Aspen. He just seems really chill. He's just going to chill the fuck out in Aspen, man. He's got a chill vibe.

He did say his whole name was not like the vehicle. His full name was Vangerman. It's short for Vangina? Vangerman is like his avocation. That's like his passion. Get up in those Vangers. You know what I'm talking about. That guy is a Van Hound.

Man. That's why they van hound. Man. That's why they call him Van the Man. Hey, Van, how about this? From me to you, hit up some of those dope-ass art galleries in Aspen, man. Hey, Van, that's where we get the expression, two in the pink, one in the van. Yeah. Van the Man. That. Van the man. That's not a saying.

And vans. No one goes in the van. The van is the place you're specifically told as a child to stay away from. Yeah. Because it's too chill in there. I got two children. You know how I had them? Guys.

Got up in that van. Guys, Kat says yes. Okay. Want a treat? Yes. You want one? Yes. Want a tree? Yes. You want one? Yes. You want one?

Yes. Pretty funny, right? Yeah, it's pretty good. Yes. Yes. So who sponsored that? Fruity Loops? The cats were Jordans.

Yeah. That'd be cute if they made some little Jordans for a cat. Some exclusive J's. Mm-hmm. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Bye forever. Little Jordans for a cat. Some exclusive J's. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Bye forever. It's Jordan, Jessica.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm the other guy. Can I say something right now? Please. Yeah. I know a lot of industry heavy hitters listen to Jordan, Jesse Goh. That's why Jordan and I are so successful in the industry.

Oh, right. We've had a lot of opportunities come our way thanks to Jordan Jessico. The guy that used to work on Archer emailed us. He's really nice. No others. That's the only one I can think of right now, but I mean, that's pretty solid. There's probably been others. That guy used to work on Archer. That's just the greatest.

So if you're out there and you're a show business insider or you're friends with a show business insider or you're fucking a show business insider. Yeah, you are. Or you're kissing cousins with a show business insider. I say you should vote for Silicon Valley for all the awards. I mean, yay. Win awards. I think there's only, what is it? I don't know.

I don't know who votes for the Golden Globes. Must be the Golden Globe. It's like five Dutch guys. If you're a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. We're talking to you, Bjorn. If you're Ricky Gervais, please. So only foreigners can vote? Yeah, only foreigners vote on the Golden Globes.

Well, the Golden Globes are a real farce. Some guy named Torsten. Yeah, Torsten. If you're out there, Torsten Horgmo. Yeah. Thanks for nominating me. Yas. Yas.

I enjoy Silicon Valley The American Farce I also enjoy the capering of Johnny Depp To us he is still famous If you haven't yet seen Silicon Valley You should watch it on your HBO On Demand or whatever HBO Go

It is fucking delightful It is a delightful program Also has a lot of emotions and feelings in it. A lot of compelling performances. Martin's not the only Pastor and Jesse Go guest on the show. Kumail Nanjiani is also on the show. He's wonderful. And we're a part of the best dick joke in history.

It's true. In my opinion. It's, yeah. It's not, maybe not. Listen, I haven't accounted for all dick jokes. But it's a yeah it's not maybe not listen I haven't accounted for all dick jokes but it's a pretty solid there were some dick jokes in

ancient Mesopotamia that I think you're not accounting for I bet there were Gilgamesh's dick was so big um yeah so watch

that shit it's great yeah so watch that shit it's great it's great it's a great show um Martin I feel like that was your um your uh gangster voice Yeah, so watch that shit. It's great. So watch that shit. It's great. It's great. It's a great show.

I feel like that was your gangster voice. Your cool. Watch that shit, son. That was like your rap voice. All of a sudden, you're Drake. Yeah. Do you love the Toronto Raptors now? To be fair, unlike Drake, I am actually from the inner city. My man.

I do have a little urban credibility. I've got a Toronto Raptors booster. He is like an upper class. Wasn't he like a middle upper class? Yeah, he's probably a nice guy. He is a nice guy. My friend Martin told me he's a nice guy. I have no reason to disbelieve. He's very handsome. Very charismatic.

He's doing well. He's a passable singer and a passable rapper. He's a real B-minus rapper, a real B-minus singer. So God bless him. I'd go in the C's. But yeah, sure. He's a passable singer and a passable rapper. He's a real B-minus rapper, real B-minus singer. So God bless him. I'd go in the Cs. But yeah, sure. We did a thing on him at midnight and called him a living cushion soaked in buttermilk. Oh, man.

That seems aggressive. Yeah. I mean, somebody likes him. People seem to like him. He's doing well. So what does it matter? I just don't get it. Well, you know.

There's a lot of stuff I don't get. God bless him. Teen girls like some weird stuff. I wish him all the best. You know what I like? That Shake It Off song. It's a fun song. It's a fun song.

Shake it off. It's undeniable. Drake produced that. Really? Well, maybe he should stick to his true calling. No, I don't think he did. But maybe he did. I think Taylor Swift does it all herself.

Our producer is Brian Fernandez. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can join us on the internet.

How about MaximumFun.reddit.com? How about Forum.maximumfun.org? How about hashtag and a tweet, JJGo? Fun tweets this week.

I enjoyed that. How about, oh, did you enjoy all those tweets that people tweeted with the hashtag MarinWalks? I did. That was fun. That was a lot of fun, so thanks for that. And, you know, above all else, get your plane tickets now. We got shows in L.A. and San Francisco. Get your asses out there.

I want to see people at both. I'll shake your hand. I'm not above shaking your hand. Get your asses out there. I want to see people at both. I'll shake your hand. Mm-hmm. I'm not above shaking your hand. And Jordan will shake your dick. I'll shake your dick or pussy. I don't want your hand to be- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gangreness. No, no, no. I'll shake a pussy. Really? You got to shake that pussy. You got to shake that puss. Yas. Is this-

Yas. Jordan, you got to shake that puss. Yas. Yas. Yas. Jordan you gotta shake that puss yes yes we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse go love you