Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 358: Sleazy Like Sunday Morning with Gene O'Neill

Episode Date: January 5, 2015

Big Time Gene O'Neill joins Jordan and Jesse to celebrate the new year by christening a new catchphrase.  Plus, Jesse gets a new calendar and Gene has some resolutions. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome to 2015. It's the year that Back to the Future 2 occurred. Jesus Christ, shut up, a public radio show. Every public radio show

and every blog. Where's my hoverboard? You know, there's a real hoverboard in development, Jordan. Yeah. You know what I like better? Can we end the episode now? It's a quince años

for the 21st century. Oh, I like that. Isn't that fun? That's why I'm wearing this ball gown. It's very tasteful too. Thank you very much. I like that. Isn't that fun? That's why I'm wearing this ball gown. It's very tasteful, too. Thank you very much. I like how you have one shoulder that's really poofy.

Yeah. Do you like the aquamarine? I decided to go with aquamarine. It's great. I mean, it's no electric pink. Okay. Fair enough. It's a nice, it's a, you know, brings out your eyes and the fact that you're becoming

a woman. Did you, did you do those? I can really sense your menses. Did you do that presentation dance lesson that I asked you to do? I didn't. I'm just going to do some, like, freestyle shit. Oh, really? Yeah.

I'm just going to get out there and, like, feel the music. Okay. Yeah. Like butterflies and cabbage patches. Yeah, I mean, probably just a lot of arm swinging. Okay, fair enough. A lot of arr lot of arm swinging. Okay. Fair enough. A lot of arrhythmic arm swinging.

That'll help you celebrate your descent into womanhood. And yes, I consider it a descent. Oh, really? Yeah. You put children on a pedestal? I do. Yeah. Children and men. Okay.

I'm most into children and men. And the movie Children of Men starring Clive Owen? I don't remember. I don't either. Yeah. One of my favorites. Hey, it's 2015. Something great.

I forgot to mention this to you, Jordan, last week when it was Christmas. Yeah. But I got a really awesome Christmas present from my wife. I'd love to hear about it. Well, as you probably know... Is it a booklet of sexual coupons? Yeah, it is. Oh, good.

So anyway, here. Here's one of the coupons, Jordan. Oh, thank you. Is this – now, not that I'm saying no one way or the other. Yes, tickling can be sexy. Oh, okay. I was wondering if – is this from you or from your wife? Or just do I have – if I hand this to someone, do they have to comply?

Well, no. How binding are these homemade sexual coupons? I received it as a gift from my wife. Okay. I've given it to you. Okay. And so now it's your job to perform sexy tickling upon me. Oh, okay. We can do it in the break.

This isn't very descriptive. Do you want me to use just my fingers or implements? Yes, please. Okay. All right. Will you provide the implements? I'm looking outside. All I have are a few farming implements? Yes, please. Oh, okay. All right. Will you provide the implements? I'm looking outside. All I have are a few farming implements. So I can tickle you with this trowel? Yeah.

Well, I mean, I have that cotton chair. I won't use those. They started the Civil War. Sorry, I can't use those in an erotic context. Anyway, something really... My wife gave me some really nice gifts. She gave me this nice chamois shirt. I like a nice chamois shirt for cool weather. It's very soft and comfortable.

She also, as she does every year, gave me a new calendar. Can we move on? Something happened to me the other day. Jordan, I'll tell you about it. I'll tell you about the new calendar. Okay. Can we move on? So something happened to me the other day. Jordan, I'll tell you about it. I'll tell you about the new calendar. So the last couple of years-

Is it bunnies? Is it fucking bunny rabbits? You're going to describe them to the audience. We had an unlikely animal friends calendar two years ago. Yeah, that was a good- And last year we had hero dogs, which I really liked hero dogs. So what is this? Adorable aphids?

Although I thought I was a little disappointed by some of the specific hero dogs, like what their acts of, I felt like all of them should have been dogs that dialed 911 when the house was on fire. Yeah. Okay. And like some of them were in the military. A lot of them had like tangential connections to September 11th. Okay.

I really wanted... So what's... I mean, what's these just... But some of them were just inspiring. Taylor Swift's cats. Is that what you have? Is that what this year is? Taylor Swift's cats?

Anyway, we thought we'd go back to basics. We got a bunny calendar. Yeah. I'm pretty excited about it. Me too. January. I'll tell you about January. Oh, please do.

So there's all different kinds of bunnies on this calendar. Sounds like a fucking disaster to me. January, believe it or not, it's sort of a great bargain because it's two bunnies for one month. Great, two bunnies. So the bunnies are like best friends. Congratulations on your amazing life. It's one white bunny. And I don't normally, I'm not that into white bunnies.

This just makes me think of magicians or whatever, and I don't like the pink eyes. But then the bunny is, the white bunny is friends with like a tannish brown bunny. Great. They're like cuddling together. Anyway, let's move on. Something else. We've got a special guest. Anyway, what I like about it is that it's not-

How lame you feel when you look at it. It's adorable, Jordan, but it's also, I think, I think it's a powerful parable. For lameness. For permeating all-encompassing lameness. The relations between races in our country that this white bunny and this brown bunny can get together and be cuddle buddies. You realize they're dead. Those were stock photos taken years and years ago. Those bunnies have since been killed.

I knew you would like hearing about my bunny calendar. I don't like hearing about it. I don't like hearing about it. And I just wanted to make sure to share it with you. I don't want to hear about future bunnies. I'm mad that I had to hear about this one. I'll try and remember next month to tell you about next month's bunny. Please don't. Don't. Don't.

But anyway, thanks to my wife for that really great Christmas present. But anyway, thanks to my wife for that really great Christmas present. Our guest on this week's program is screenwriter, television employee, sometime podcaster, and beloved regular here on Jordan Jesse Go, a founding co-host of The Sound of Young America, lo these many years ago. And a man with an athletic build, a trim, but athletic build. Gene O'Neill. Mark Spitz. It's Mark Spitz. Thanks, guys. It's great to be here.

Great to have you here, Gene. Are you growing a mustache? Uh, yeah, actually it was pretty thick the other day and then I, I trimmed it cause I just can't seem to get it even on the sides. Oh, yeah. It grows very thick on one side and less so. So finding that perfect shape is an art. I have that problem too.

When I try and go, my mustache connection to my chin is much stronger on one side than the other side. And so I had to grow the ends sort of long and comb them downward. It's like a beard comb over. Yeah, I have that problem trying to connect my mustache to my sideburns. And you have a problem earning the respect of your Civil War troops.

Why the mustache? Just looking for a change of pace? Yeah, I think my face was feeling a little stagnant. You know, when you grow out facial hair, your friends always tell you, oh, it looks great. You should keep growing it out. But I remember, like, I have friends that, you know, we would encourage him to grow out his mustache. And it was always like we were always agreeing to keep it.

Like we had a friend who looked like Borat growing out a mustache. Like, oh, dude, it looks great. You got to keep growing that out. He's like, really? Are you guys fucking with me? Like, no, no, no, no. It looks fantastic. But we're like, keep this dude, it looks great. You got to keep growing that out. He's like, really? Are you guys fucking with me? Like, no, no, no. It looks fantastic. But we're like, keep this going.

Keep this going. Are you getting the it looks great from people? I am, but I don't trust it. I don't know if – Are you worried you're being hoisted by your own petard? Yeah. I think I'm getting catfished if that's the mustache version of catfish. Are the people that are telling you your mustache looks really good beautiful women on Facebook who you haven't met in real life yet?

I think all the people who get catfished still get catfished on MySpace. Oh, okay. I've watched a few episodes of the show and this shit seems to be happening on MySpace. Is it really happening on MySpace? I think it is, yeah. It happened to Jordan on MySpace. It happened to me on MySpace. It did happen on Facebook.

And this really dreamy emo band wanted to be friends with me. Can I tell you something weird? Yeah. Happened to me on LinkedIn. Oh, huh. Yeah. Someone wanted to be friends with me. Can I tell you something weird? Yeah. Happened to me on LinkedIn. Oh, huh. Yeah. Someone wanted to give you a job. Well, they had a great business opportunity.

And every time you wanted to Skype with them about the job, they would keep putting it off. They would say their internet was slow. They texted. We texted back and forth eventually, though, which I thought was a pretty surefire sign that this was a good business opportunity because they had text message capabilities, presumably unlimited texts. I think all the, and all the erotic images they sent you were probably just lifted from porn sites. Sorry to, sorry to lay that on you. So the business opportunity was a porn site.

I should mention that. Oh, well this might've been legit then. Good. You're looking to fuck on camera, right? Yeah, that was my whole thing. Oh. I thought it was unusual that I got this message that said, porn actors sought unremarkable penises.

Normal, achievable penises. Should usually have no problem getting an erection. Oh, I'm out. What about a constant erection? Is that okay? What about an unceasing battering ram of an erection? Is that okay? You got to stop wearing those silk boxers, Jordan.

Sorry, they just rubbed me the right way. Ladies and gentlemen, Sammy Hagar. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sponsor on this week's program, Jordan Jesse Goh, supported in part by FXX, presenting Man Seeking Woman, a surreal new dating comedy from former SNL writer Simon Rich

and executive producer Lorne Michaels. Starring Jay Baruchel of This Is The End and Eric Andre of The Internship, this series premiere is January 14th at 10.30 p.m. on FXX. I am very excited about this. I love Simon Rich. He's a world-class guy. Once got barbecue with him in Brooklyn. Very small and possibly the funniest person on earth.

That's my two thoughts about Simon Rich. Number one, very small. Number two, maybe the funniest person on earth. That's my two thoughts about Simon Rich. Number one, very small. Number two, maybe the funniest person in God's creation. Simon Rich is so funny that he's capable of writing a funny Shouts and Murmurs in the New Yorker. He's the one who did that. Exactly. It's him and Jack Candy. Those are the people who have ever written a funny.

It's a two-man club. Yeah. Anyway, I'm super excited excited I love Jay Baruchel Do you ever see that movie That he wrote and starred in called Goon I like Goon a lot Isn't that a fun movie? Goon's a hoot Anyway I'm super excited about the show

I'm really glad that they're sponsoring our show Because it's I'm just super stoked about it It sounds pretty crazy too The book that it's based on is a sort of series of kind of fantastical short pieces

about finding love. And so the show is that. Like it's like I don't know like in the promos he goes on a date with a troll. Yeah. I've been seeing the promos.

It looks like a hilarious show. Good people involved. January 14, 1030 on FXX. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, big time Gene O'Neill. How many times have you done this?

Like 10 times, Gene. Yeah, but I do it like, what, every three years? Every week in college for four years. Yeah, but I was... Yeah, Gene's not living in the past. Yeah, but I was always hungover or... Coming down off something. Yeah, or going back up on something.

Yeah, it's great to start your college radio show right as the mushrooms start to kick in. Hey. For maximum effect. Well, this is the first episode of 2015. By the way, can I just say this just right square up top? Please. If you're listening to this, day comes out or Tuesday, you live in Los Angeles, come see me and Jordan alongside Bunker Buddies at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater.

I'd do that. 11 p.m., Tuesday night, $5. Our special guest, Emily Gordon from the Indoor Kids. Come on, it doesn't get any better than that. It doesn't. She used to be a therapist. And now, she's a beloved podcast personality. Come on, Emily Gordon. She's a delight.

It's going to be a fun show. Come do it. Well, yeah. Don't be a dipshit. Why would you? Yeah. Be a dipshit. You're probably not a dipshit.

No. Are you? Doesn't seem like it. I'd assume this whole time you weren't a dipshit. Yeah. I mean, that's why we agreed to let you listen to the show. To be fair, if you go and you're a dipshit, you'll probably still be a dipshit. But at least you went and had fun. There you go. You're a dipshit, you'll probably still be a dipshit. But at least you went

and had fun. You're a dipshit who had a nice evening. Staying out a little late on a school night, but that's fun. Get out of your comfort zone. For once in your life, get out of the house. Afterwards, we'll go next door to Bird's. We'll get some wings. Yeah. Go get some

fucking wings. Happy hour starts at 10 there, so. They got wings there? They totally got wings. They're good, too. Off menu. Oh, yeah. Only Jordan knows about it.

I'm letting everyone else know about it because I'm a cool guy. Just say, I'd like the Jordan Morris special, please. And then a guy takes you back in the broom closet and jerks you off and then serves you hot wings. Served on a toilet seat cover. Anyway, so that's item of business number one. I didn't want to get out of here without mentioning that. However, I do want to say one other thing, which is 2014 just ended. That means it's the end of Flight of the Raptor, Sting of the Asp.

Yeah. Our 2014 slogan. How did everybody do with that? Good, I hope. Yeah. I mean, I stung like an asp at some points. I did better at flying like a raptor. Okay.

I guess I'm seeing that as kind of one sweeping motion. You know, you're flying and stinging. Right. Like kind of a combination. Like a trawler? What's the – Dragging a net behind you? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, to dredge up things that are stuck in a river, like a dead body. Things that need stinging. Yeah.

So how do you – so these two things are different in your mind. How are they – like what's something that's a flight and what's a sting? There's a fluidity to it. They're not completely distinct and separate. I'm just saying that I'm not – I wasn't constantly stinging the whole year. Does that make sense? I don't know what an asp is. You mean like a gothic cathedral? It's a snake. A deadly

snake from Antony and Cleopatra. And they sting. They don't bite? This is a stinging snake? It's the asp sting. I kind of wanted to make it biblical. Yeah, the sting of the asp. It has a ring to it. The bite of the asp. And then the flight of the raptor, that's self to it. Yeah. Okay. The bite of the asp. And then the flight of the raptor, that's self-explained.

Originally, we were talking about scorpions, right? Yeah, exactly. But we didn't want to encourage any of the crawl into the studio. Yuck. By the way, tip of the hat to our friends in Casper Hauser for inventing scorpion. A funny mispronunciation of scorpion. Oh, it's the funniestunciation of scorpion. The funniest scorpion. So, yeah.

So, anyway, I felt like throughout the year I was catching those air currents, fucking wings out, ready to dive and pounce whenever necessary. And most of all, that I was flying with precision and laser-like eye focus. I was surveying the scene, seeing what needed to be seen. I feel like that was my strength. Sting of the ass. Surveillance. Surveillance. Can you give a specific example, something that you surveyed that you think you did really well at? Yeah, well, I mean.

Surveyed that archaeological dig. I mean, that dig site, sure, for one thing. And those hot blondes with that major Corvette. Yowza. I mean, I think I surveyed some of the great work that some of the people at MaximumFun.org were doing. Lindsay Pavlis is running the board. She did really great work this year. And in my capacity as owner of MaximumFun.org, it's my job to fly up there and make sure nobody's fucking around.

You guys got a lot more employees this year, right? This was a year of growth. Big growth. Big year of growth. I brought in an employee from a foreign country. Wow. So, you know... Dame Judi Dench.

Yeah, I mean, the Dench cast, we've been piling it, and honestly, it's bad. Yeah. It's not ready for air. It was a mistake to bring her in. I thought... Well, she comes and she starts it right as the mushrooms are kicking in. I know.

It's just a bunch of bullshit about how time isn't real. Sometimes she's super hungover. Yeah, yeah, that too. She actually told me the other day that she had just taped a 12-hour show. And I said a 12-hour show and I listened to it. It was 12 seconds long, but she had done some salvia divinorum beforehand. Those 12 seconds are just a bass solo. She's been hanging out with Trey Anastasio.

But I don't know how good I did at asp stinging. I don't know. How do you feel? How are you? Yeah. I mean, I think 2014 was really, really – it was a swell year. I'm going to look back on it fondly. I think it's a great year all in all.

Some difficulties but mainly a lot of fun. I don't think I stung. I think as with anyone who's trying to like work in a creative field, there's a certain amount of, like, hustle that goes on, you know. And I think in general I'm a pretty good guy at hustling, you know. You're a hustler. Like always, you know, always having a thing, trying to, like, you know, every little opportunity, trying to, you know, milk it for all it's worth. You're a hustler, baby. You just want to sit.

Yeah, exactly. The movie Color of Money is based on my life. You're the Jackie Gleason character. I am the Jackie Gleason character. Wait, that's not Color of Money. Which one has Jackie Gleason? The Gambler? I don't know.

What's the name of the fucking Jackie Gleason movie where he's a pool hustler? Anyways, I'm Tom Cruise. No, that's the hustler. You're thinking of the Color of Money as the Tom Cruise one. The Hustler is the name of it. Yeah. Oh, okay. Thank God. Who is it? Paul Newman in The Color of Money? He's in both. He's in both?

The Color of Money is a sequel. They're sequels? Yeah. It's a sort of sequel. A spiritual sequel? A spiritual sequel, yeah. So that's why there's all that God and Holy Ghost stuff in the second one. Yeah, he helps Tom Cruise find Jesus. Tom Cruise is like, fuck it, I'm a Scientologist.

They should have just called it The Hustler 2, colon, The Good News. Yeah, and in a lot of ways, wasn't God the first hustler? That's a good point. He really tricked us. Into existence. Into giving our money to churches. So, yeah. So, yeah, I feel like I, you know, this was the year that I kind of maybe didn't hustle as hard as I have in the past and kind of

just enjoyed it. And I had a great time with it. I thought I would – I thought I might – because I took a minute and said to myself, hey, Jordan, maybe fucking don't hustle so hard for a little bit because I think I was making myself kind of crazy. Yeah. Like a crazy weirdo. Sure.

And I'm like, let's walk that back. Let's not become a crazy weirdo. Sure. And, you know, I'm like, let's walk that back. Let's not become a crazy weirdo. Right. And I decided to hustle a little bit less and just hang out a little bit more. And it was good. Live off the fruit of the land. Exactly. Yeah.

I did a lot. I became a freegan. To some extent, the fruit of the land. I did a lot of dumpster diving. Right. So, yeah, I think, you know, because, I think – because I think my financial situation is perfectly fine. So I didn't have a practical reason to hustle. Have you been working at At Midnight the entire year of 2014?

I started in March. I mean that's a pretty good sting. Yeah, yeah. That's a good sting. I mean that's a good initial sting at the beginning of the year. But there have been basically no stings after that. Well, you're living off the fruit of the land. Exactly, yeah.

You're just catching those air currents. Yeah. You had a pretty good tweet a couple months ago. Yeah, you know what I did? Got some action. I've definitely been feeling less pressure to be good on Twitter and stuff like that, which is great. I feel like I'm enjoying it more now that I know.

Have you been bad on Twitter? I've been a little wicked on Twitter, a little naughty. What can I say? Once the lights go down, I pour a glass of Chardonnay, and I let Twitter know what's going on with my butt. We're going to have a slogan for 2015. We actually have a telephone call. Someone called in about the slogan for 2015. I don't know what this call is. I don't either. Lindsay, can

you run it out for us? Jesse, go. It occurs to me that a new year is upon us, and I figured you might need some suggestions on new year catchphrases. I was thinking that in previous years there have been a lot of animal-focused things that

often dealt with facing a challenge of some sort but i think this year no challenges uh what i was thinking was this year cutting the shit we're doing it so that's my suggestion i have to say thanks a drifter? I have to say I'm intrigued that he tried to reverse engineer past annual slogans. Yeah. I don't think that's the right approach, but I'm intrigued that he did it. I was more interested when I thought he was suggesting the slogan, no challenges. I'm adopting that as mine. Do not push yourself.

No Challenges. Stay in your comfort zone. Avoid all challenges. Work with your dad at his office. I had an idea. Chill out with some dudes from high school. I had an idea. Chill out with some dudes from high school. I had an idea for a slogan that I was going to bring in here. But this call actually has suggested something to me that is really speaking to me right now.

Okay. 2015. Easy like Sunday morning. I mean, and that's kind of what I was going to suggest something in that mode. I mean, I feel like I had kind of a breakthrough this year, like realizing that you need to allow yourself time to enjoy what you've accomplished, to have fun with it. I was going to suggest 2015, we're on island time. Suggest 2015, we're on island time. Just to kind of have that laid back, fucking margs by the beach kind of feel.

Yeah, no, I definitely understand where you're going with that. Gene, what do you think? I'm right there with you guys. Enjoy what I imagine or assume I'm going to accomplish one day when I get around to it. But in the meantime, you know, why get my underwear at a bunch? Yeah. No reason to bunch up those undies.

Um, can I ask you guys a quick question, please? Why in the world would anybody put chains on me? Easy like Sunday morning. Oh, I don't understand what this is. Oh yeah.

The song easy like Sunday morning. Okay. That's a lyric from this is referencing. Oh, yeah. The song Easy Like Sunday Morning. Okay. That's a lyric from the song. Is that what you were just looking up on your phone? I just wanted to make sure I wasn't getting it wrong at all. I remember that there was a really important part about putting chains on people. Making sure it wasn't why put jeans on me. Nobody.

Look, listen to this. I'm going to read you this. Keep those James off me. Nobody. Look, listen to this. I'm going to read you this. Keep those James off me. I'm going to read you these lyrics and tell me if this doesn't speak to you. Side note, are lyrics websites the worst designed websites of all, like consistently? Oh, without a doubt. Although, I have to say, this Bing search literally just brought me the lyrics. Oh.

It did not bring me to- You don't have to go to like alllyrics.com and- No. Tell me more about Bing. Bing is a great web search engine on Windows Phone 8. What does Cortana have to say about these lyrics? You know, I got a phone with Cortana on it now. Yeah, you mentioned your Cortana phone.

Have you been asking her stuff? Yeah, I asked her like what her background is and- Oh, you're just making chit-chat with her. Yeah, well, I don't want to get super personal. Hey, Cortana, any brothers or sisters? Yeah, exactly. Okay, so listen to this, okay? Why in the world would anybody put chains on me?

I've paid my dues to make it. Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be. I'm not happy when I try to fake it. Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be. I'm not happy when I try to fake it. No! That's why I'm easy like Sunday morning. I like it. I also

would like to stay out of change this year. Yes! That's the worst! Unless it's in like an erotic domination context. Then I'm okay with it. I'm voting for my choice. Okay. I like Island Time too, though. I mean, I think we've had a lot of success in the past.

Combining, kind of like taking a lot of ideas and finding a fun way to combine them. Easy like Sunday morning, comma, Island Time. God, we're on Island Time? No challenges in island time Oh no country For old men No kings only God Can we gift

Island time To our friends at my brother my brother and me Given their continuing obsession with Jimmy Buffet Oh I didn't know they were going through one of those Going through I mean they have It's a well their continuing obsession with Jimmy Buffett. Oh, I didn't know they were going through one of those. Going through. I mean, they have... It's a... It's a well...

Emphasis on continuing. A late motif throughout the program. Yeah, like Peter and the Wolf. This is tough, Jordan. Gene, what are your thoughts? Do you feel like you appropriately stung this year? I mean, I know you may or may not have known that was the slogan. Yeah, I mean, I know that now,

and it turns out I did in the last quarter of the year. I adopted a no masturbation policy. Uh-huh. Yeah. Were you training for a fight, or? I'm training for the fight of life. Oh, sure. I've been kind of like the anti-

And you like that pent-up aggression. Yeah, I've been kind of the the anti... And you like that pent-up aggression. I've been kind of the anti-Jordan in that Jordan was like, well, I'm going to stop hustling so hard as I have in the past. And I've been jerking off constantly. Easy like Sunday morning! Easy like a Sunday morning jerk sesh. Right.

I've been hustling exactly as hard as I have been in the past, which is no hustling at all. So this year I decided I want to hustle in 2015. And so this is probably part of a broader spectrum dopamine diet. It's just going to be a year of no pleasure. I'm not eating sugary food. I am not.

You're just going to eat like a cornmeal. Yeah, I'm not availing myself sexually. Gene, can I suggest a slogan for you? All right, let's hear it. 2015. Hands off my junk. 2015, Gene. Powerful juices.

I like that. And I feel powerful. Will you accept sexual gratification from others? No, I will reject all sexual advances. Really? So you're going to be living the life of a monk? Yes. And not a sexy monk either.

Well, I would still like to think that I'm sexy. Okay, sure. You have a sexuality. Yeah, like I have that unattainable thing kind of going for me. Like a star that you can watch twinkle, but you can never touch. Yeah, like that. Strain as you might to touch that star. Gene, can I ask you a question?

You know what, Jesse? You can ask me a question. How would you like it if somebody tried to put chains on you? Huh. You know, I don't think I'd like it at all. Yeah, so my recommendation is be easy like Sunday morning. I was maybe also going to suggest 2015, take it sleazy. So what if we combine the two into 2015, easy sleazy.

Sleazy like Sunday morning. I don't know. I don't hate it. Sleazy like something more. I don't know. I don't hate it. Sleazy. Somewhat related to the original suggestion. I mean, I think, you know, I think our listeners as a whole are probably pretty upstanding. Yeah. A button down, wholesome bunch.

Sure. I think our listeners on the whole are the kind of folks you'd like to see at a city council meeting. Absolutely. And I think that they probably don't have a problem being too sleazy. Right. Already. Right. Their standard mode of behavior is minimally sleazy.

Sure. I think that, you know, everything in moderation, right? Right. Like if you're too sleazy, you're going to run into problems. Right. You know, drug deals gone bad. Track marks. Torrid relationships with strippers. Sure.

Yeah, exactly. Track marks, running out of veins and having to inject the heroin under your ball sack because that's the last place you can get in. Power ballots. Power ballots. Yeah, sure. Yes. A white snake. Can I offer something? Please.

As someone who lives his life as a sleaze or erstwhile sleaze, you always reach a point where you reach sleaze homeostasis, and all those things that you used to do to meet your crazy sleaze urges, those no longer do it for you anymore. You're chasing that high. You're chasing that sleazy high. Once you no longer reach that high, you are actually just living in moderation. Wait, once you reach that high? The whole point of chasing the dragon that you can never catch it.

Once you can no longer catch that dragon, once you've accepted that nothing does it for you anymore, you have achieved that sort of Greek ideal of moderation. So once you're a broken man, essentially, once you've crushed your own dreams. Can I tell you the other idea that I had? Please. It's a little more goal-oriented, but I wanted to mention it in case it means something. It was going to be HRC, which normally, granted, it stands for the Human Rights Campaign. We support their work, of course. Sure.

That, I think, in fact, is one of the nice resonances of this slogan is that it also coincidentally supports the work of the human rights campaign in equal rights for LGBTQ citizens. However, in addition to that, home run cuts. Just fucking step up to the plate, swing for the fences. I like that. I mean, I think it's, I mean, in general, there's a lot to like about that. But I think the road we're going down now is we're trying to convince people to take a minute to appreciate what they've got, to find the joy around them that maybe they're neglecting because they're striving so hard or they're seeing so goal-oriented. To be happy taking a walk. Exactly. To use – to extend Jesse's analogy here.

Sure. So I think that with that comes allowing yourself to be a little sleazy. Which I really, really like sleazy like Sunday morning. Can I tell you one other thing that came to me? Sure. Gene, of course, was an original co-host of The Sound of Young America, the show that became Bullseye and later in a way became Jordan Jessico. And you weren't Jordan.

Yeah, you were a Johnny come lately. Yeah, you entered. Why'd you guys start attacking me? You entered the picture in week two. Okay. And the show went downhill from there. That first show was like the best show ever. We hit the peak. These guys are going places.

We hit the peak when it was me. Old dead weight jumps on. Me, Gene, and our college friend Matt Dobbs. And Matt Dobbs grew up in Sunnyvale, California, and his father ran an import-export business. Among other things, he sold like Serape's. He sold Sneak-A-Leeks, which is like a catheter you put in your penis that's attached to a bag that allows you to pee without – You could pee at sporting events. I'm wearing one right now.

While you're cycling, I think, was one. I think cycling and long-haul truckers – I think if you're going to stick to this, you need to remove the catheter. Come on. I got to have something here. But the listed – Fine. Piss in a bag.

If that's your one allotment you're going to give yourself. Yeah. Piss in a bag. Go for it. Mr. Dobbs, who ran this import-export business where the business telephone line was shared with the home telephone line, so Matt Dobbs grew up having to answer the phone. Dobbs import-exports, how can I help you? Even if it was like 8 o'clock and he could see on the caller ID that it was his grandma. Mr. Dobbs had one really wise thought about living life,

and that was you have to suck the juices. Tocar el Hugo, as he put it in Spanish. Sure. Somewhat awkwardly. He was not Spanish. He was not a Spanish-speaking gentleman. He may have spoken Spanish because I believe some of his imports and exports were from Latin America. But he himself was not Latino.

Right. And so I just thought I'd throw that out there because it sounds like Gene maybe is – although maybe his new lifestyle is too Spartan. I sucked a lot of juices in 2014. I've got a storehouse full. What else are you denying yourself in addition to sugary foods and Onanism? The big one is probably the internet. I want to not go on the internet at all. Not go on the internet at all?

Not go on the internet at all. Why not? the internet at all? Not go on the internet at all. Why not? You're not even going to open up Internet Explorer 8? What about Telnet? Is Telnet included in that? I deleted Netscape from my desktop. What about Gopher? You're allowed to use Gopher?

Can you FTP into the mainframe? You must have been on the internet before me. I don't even know what the fuck gopher is. Yeah, I want to try to get in touch with my natural man, with my primordial self. Oh, your primordial self. Yeah. Single cellular. Yeah, sort of find enlightenment. Yeah. Single cellular. Yeah, sort of, you know, find enlightenment.

Yeah, my single... I just want to get back to that basic cell. You can find a way to divide your nucleus. I had everything. Survive and conquer. That's Gene's 2015 slogan. Split into two organisms. By arresting all spermatogenesis, I think I could find unicellular bliss.

What are you going to do with the time that you would have spent surfing the web? www.website.com I don't know, Jesse. That's a mystery. Maybe I'll get in touch with my creative side more. How are you going to find work? Oh, the work will find me Really? Yeah, I still have a phone

All you need is a phone call What are you going to do? Call in to the newspaper line? Can you read me all the want ads, please? You're going to call the reference desk And ask if they have any jobs available in show business? Yeah, well, if you want to do lab rat experiments You just have to show up.

What are you going to read? You have to push all the other drifters out of the way. Jesse, believe it or not, yeah, exactly. I'm going to read a book this year. Like Gone Girl? Maybe, too. Can I recommend Gone Girl? Yeah.

It is fun. It's a potboiler. It's easier to read the book if you've seen the movie. Cause you can always be like, Oh yeah, this part from the movie. You're going to have to go see the movie. Where a video store.

I don't even remember. Yeah. Where do you find a movie that's out of theaters? Does Netflix count? Oh yeah. I'm starting to think twice about this. Let's say Netflix doesn't count as the internet. It's on your TV. That is technically not the internet. If it's on your TV,

that is technically not the internet. To be fair, Gene, you have a web TV. No, I have a smart TV. Oh, okay. It's different. So it's just a menu

on your TV. Yeah, and I just will not access that menu. Okay. What about Smell-O-Vision? Are you allowed to use Smell-O-Vision? I mean, come on,

I'm only human. When they're going through that vanilla field, I want to get a feeling for it. In Gone Girl. Sleazy like Sunday morning. Sleazy like Sunday morning. How do you, Jordan, how do you see? So I obviously, I have a pretty strong understanding of what easy like Sunday morning is. It means you're going to be yourself.

Sure. You're going to live your life. You're going to enjoy the fruits of your labor. You're going to, to some extent, talk R.L. Hugo. Sure. But what I want to know is how does the addition of that S.L. change it up? Well, I mean, I think it's just like, you know, it's giving yourself permission. Uh-huh.

You know, it's like, you know, have a drink at lunch. You know? Can I ask you how – Embark on a – in a reckless sexual relationship with someone you get bad vibes from. No, don't do that. But yeah, I mean I think it's just a – it's because what is life without the occasional hint of sleaze? It's giving yourself permission. I think we have that allusion to easy like Sunday morning. It's relaxing.

It's an appreciation but also like, hey, you know, take it to the next level. Can I ask? Jordan's just trying to organize an orgy. Yeah, this is secret code. Come on, it's sleazy. Come on, guys. 2015. Like, remember the podcast?

We've been doing this show for like nine years, Jordan. If you haven't organized whatever orgy you want to organize by now. Yeah, it's not going to happen, guys. I think no matter how bad we or I want it. How does this manifest? Can you give me some examples of how this might manifest itself for someone who doesn't drink or use drugs and is happily married with two children and a demanding business?

I mean, yeah. We're talking about my cousin. Sure. I think go on a bender but then say it was a fugue. That's my... I don't want to go on a bender. No, but I guess here, I mean, I guess sleaze is relative. Wait till allergy season starts and just take way too much Benadryl.

I guess sleaze is relative. Super sleepy. and just take way too much Benadryl. I guess sleaze is relative. It's super sleepy. As with, as Gene, I think, put it very well, is that, like, you know, you're always chasing the dragon. You know, you want to up your sleaze level.

Right. But. By the way, Jesse, if I can just say, if you did do a drug or go on a bender of some sort, I mean, you would get to hit that dragon, and it is fucking incredible. I wish I could be you right now. That dragon will suck your dick and it pays attention to the balls.

That dragon does not neglect the balls. Yeah, that dragon will follow to Carl Hugo. Very literally. Very literally. I think just like, I mean, it doesn't have to be sex drugs rock and roll it can just be like something that maybe your nitpickiest self doesn't allow so like

is there something that you have denied yourself that would be pretty easy to give you know what I think I might have a pretty good example of this I'd love to hear it I got a package in the mail today. Guess what was inside? What?

This is something- Okay. This is something that I would never have allowed myself in the past. Polar fleece jacket. Okay. Talk about that. Sleazy like Sunday morning. I don't care if I wasn't a polar fleece guy before.

I got a polar fleece jacket now. There you go. Just going to wear it around. There you go. So I'm so fucking chill. Wow, Ozzy Osbourne in here. Patagonia polar fleece jacket. There you go.

See, I mean, you know, you're allowing yourself something that you – there was maybe no good reason to deny yourself. I think that's maybe what I learned this year is that some of the things that I wasn't doing, there was no good reason to say no to. So you're saying our slogan should be the exact opposite of Gene's stated goals for the game. That seems like a good strategy. Yeah. I mean Gene's got his own agenda. Wait a minute. Gene got his own agenda. Wait a minute. Gene has his own agenda?

Okay. I'm on board. 2015. Sleazy like Sunday morning. Love it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, guess what?

Number one, Jordan, Jesse Goh coming live to SF Sketch Fest in February. February 7th, I think. Go to MaximumFun.org, and you can find it in the calendar there on the right-hand side. Click through. Buy your tickets now. We're going to be alongside my brother, my brother, and me. It is going to be a blast. There will be special guests.

I promise you that much. Maybe even famous ones. I don't know. It'll either be famous ones or it'll just be Scott Simpson. Yeah, that's pretty special. Yeah. Fucking Scott Simpson's the best. It'll be either special and great or special and great and famous.

Yeah. So there you go. That's all coming in February. And if you're in L.A., buy tickets to our show on Tuesday night. Plus, we have a sponsor on this week's show, our friends at FXX. They're presenting Man Seeking Woman, a new surreal dating comedy from SNL writer Simon Rich and executive producer Lauren Michaels. Stars Jay Baruchel

of The End and Eric Andre of The Internship. Series premieres January 14th at 10.30pm on FXX. I am excited about Eric Andre too. I'm basically excited about everything about this show. Yeah, great people involved,

great network. Love those Simpsons reruns. Can I tell you, somebody emailed me or tweeted me to say, when are you going to get Eric Andre on Bullseye? And then they tweeted me like 10 seconds later, hey, loving this Eric Andre interview that you did on Bullseye. Fucking Eric Andre.

That guy's great. He's terrific. Anyway, One Night Stands, Painful Breakups, A Blind Date with a Troll, Time Travel, Sex Aliens, Many Deaths, and a Japanese penis monster named Tanaka are all obstacles on Josh's fantastical journey to find love. Premieres January 14th, 10.30 p.m. on FXX. Hey, you know, I actually just watched the – this is unpaid. I actually just watched the season premiere of Always Sunny in Philadelphia. They sent me screeners of that.

Yep. Holy shit. It's fucking hilarious. I bet. I fucking love Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Just get your – go get over there to FXX. They're doing good work. The people there are doing good work.

Always something good on FXX. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time Gene O'Neill. Hey, guess what's coming up?

Lindsay's on the board. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Big time Gene O'Neill. Hey, guess what's coming up? Lindsay's on the board. This just occurred to me. Lindsay and Brian, Sonny D., our regular producer. Lindsay is doing a dance because I mentioned her name. We put together a pilot for a show that stars them called Brian and Lindsay. We'll totally eat that. And we are doing a Kickstarter for it. And it's starting soon.

January 19th, I believe, is the date. Not looking at my notes. Yeah, I just saw a rough cut of the pilot. It's delightful. They're delightful. They're eating stuff. They eat stuff. Basically, the idea is at the beginning of every episode, we throw some food at them,

and then they have to eat it and evaluate it. Chocolate Twizzlers. Hershey's Chocolate Twizzlers was the rough cut that I saw. Turns out they're waxy. Oh, okay. Wouldn't have guessed. Wouldn't have guessed. Yeah, but much much more. Okay. Much much more. They were not kind in their evaluation of it. Oh boy.

I will say. Anyway, so keep an eye out for that. We're going to have a lot of thank yous. We'll talk about it when Brian's back and stuff. But something more important is going on, which is momentous occasions. When something momentous happens to you, let's say you get a sweet new slogan for 2015, sleazy like Sunday morning. One good thing about that.

It's fun to say. Makes a hell of a t-shirt. That's true. We can have a nice beach scene. That's true. We can have a nice beach scene. Can you send us, America, can you send us your sleazy Sunday morning T-shirt designs? We'll take them.

Send them to Lindsay. Her email is lindsay at maximumfun.org. Send them to Lindsay. If we use your design, we'll give you a free T-shirt. And basically we'll send you one of our classic boxes of crap that's left over in the office. That means like it's like a put this on DVD, a slingshot, a vibrator, just a variety of stuff. Oh, we're out of vibrators. What's that called though that you put over your eyes? Bandana?

Vibrator. Yeah. Send them to Lindsay at MaximumFun.org if you got them. Okay. Something momentous happens to you. We have you call us 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone. [phone]FUN. Here's our first call. This is Steve from California. I just had a pretty weird momentous occasion. I was raining pretty hard out here in the Bay Area. And I was just cleaning up my apartment

and i looked outside the glass green door and there is a huge freaking adult turkey just chilling on our little back patio just cock of the walk strutting around uh i tried to walk out onto my porch and he promptly chased me back inside. So I decided that it was time to arm myself, but I didn't really want to hurt the bird. So I grabbed the broom and I had to kind of just from about five feet away, kind of just keep jabbing him with the broom until he finally flew over the hump of the wall. So hopefully he's gone and not just going for reinforcements. Do you feel like Steve is California's answer to Van? he's gone and not just going for reinforcements. See you guys later.

Do you feel like Steve is California's answer to Van? Yeah, I think he's the California Van. Steve is fun. What a fun guy. Can I tell you what I think is the cause of this situation? Yeah, because I'm curious.

Well, you know, there's been a bit of gridlock in Congress. The problem is... Don't I'm curious. Well, you know, there's been a bit of a gridlock in Congress. The problem is – Don't I know it. What else is new? The problem is the Dempublicans and the Republocrats have been at each other's necks. Honestly, I think they're the same party. You know what I mean?

It's all one corporate interest. One nation under the dollar. Yeah, you got it. Jordan, you know what I mean? It's all one corporate interest. Yeah, one nation under the dollar. Yeah, you got it. Jordan, you know what I'm talking about. Sorry, I didn't mean to go off on one of my classic rants. One of the worst parts of it is our president, President Nobama, no thank you, Nobama, has been acting outside of his congressional authority left and right. Yeah. Among other things, literally every year since he's been elected, he's pardoned a turkey.

Oh, so you think this was it? Without congressional authority. This is the pardoned turkey that somehow has. No, that's not what I think. Oh, OK. I think what happens is if you make a big public deal out of pardoning turkeys. Sure. The other turkeys hear about it.

They become emboldened. They start pouring over the border. Looking for American jobs. American jobs, right? Thank you. Thank you. It's about time someone said it. If there's no enforcement, what good are laws?

Why do we even have laws if we're just going to pardon turkeys? Don't know. So now here they are in suburban California backyards, bothering California's own van. Yeah. Sorry about that, California van. You deserve better. Turkeys are just living your 2015 slogan. Oh, 2015.

They've been living sleazy like Sunday morning all year. Can I give Steve some advice? Sure. Do you think his name was Steve? Don't know. That's what I remember it being. Steve. You know, Van's name isn't even Van.

It's sort of irrelevant, though. It feels like a van. California Van. Can we talk to you for a second? I mean, Van definitely lives in a van. Yeah, definitely cruises around in one. It's got a pretty sweet van, though. Let's be honest.

It not only doesn't have one of those porthole windows on the side, it's a diamond-shaped one. Yeah. Carpeting in the back so he can lug his gear. Here's my recommendation to Steve. Get out of California. Yeah. Go to Aspen, Colorado and blaze out of California. Yeah. Go to Aspen, Colorado and blaze the guns.

Yeah. I love it, dude. It's nice and legal over there. You don't have to get a fascist card letting the government know where you are at all times.

Can I suggest you head directly to Aspen? Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do puff the homegrown. Best part is there's no turkeys. Yeah, you got it. It's too cold for fucking turkeys in Aspen.

The only wildlife there is snow bunnies. Man, they closed down my medical marijuana dispensary. What? They closed it down. So now you got to go to the one around the corner? Yeah, I have to go to one that's slightly farther away. I thought you went to the most luxurious medical marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles. That's what I thought it down. So now you've got to go to the one around the corner? Yeah, I have to go to one that's slightly farther away. I thought you went to the most luxurious medical marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles. That's what I thought, too.

The Green Easy on 3rd. Wow, those are the ones that always close down. You've got to go. It's the scummy little converted pod shops that will just stay open. Yeah. But I think the worst part of it was, sorry. You're going to miss those vibrating chairs they had in the waiting room. Are you okay, pal?

I just didn't get to say goodbye to my bud tender. Oh, my gosh. And, you know, I just would have liked to have, I just kind of was walking over there one day and the door was bolted shut and I didn't get to say goodbye to the man who tended my bud. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. And I don't want to – obviously the last thing I want to do is hurt you here. But you have a new place.

I don't have a new place yet. I have not – I still have some stash. Okay. I still have some stash. Okay. So I haven't had to, you know, make that leap yet. Do you think you're going to be able to transfer your pull list? Honestly, no.

It's going to be like a fresh start, you know. I just want to, if you're out there, Bud Tender. What's his name coincidentally? Bud Tender. Yeah, Bud Tender. And his sister, Chicken. I just want to say thanks for all the dank nugs. It really meant a lot. I got super blazed.

Danks for the memories blazed thanks for the memories thanks for the memories we're like thanks for the nugs am I right? also Budtender if you're listening if your new place needs a Budback please consider me I can rinse out baggies

let's take our next call hey this is Josh in Louisiana calling in with a momentous occasion I just interrupted two teenagers videotaping a sex act behind the library. Ah!

Uh, yeah. It's very awkward. I gave them a dirty look and they ran off. But yeah, he was holding up his camera phone. She was down on her knees. And, uh... All right. Uh, fuck. All right.

Fuck. All right. Bye. This guy doesn't understand what 2015 is all about. Yeah. Yeah, right? This guy's not taking it sleazy. Those two teens sound like they're off to a great start.

Those teens were probably just about to call the show. Tell us about their momentous occasion. Hey, we're going to town on each other behind the library and we're filming it. Pretty cool, huh? Can I ask you a question? Do you think it was a municipal library, a school library, or a

private library, like a mechanics library? Or it could be a county library. Oh, that's a good point. It could be a county library. Hell, it could be a university library. Technically, that's a good point. It could be a county library. Hell, it could be a university library. Yeah. Technically, that's a type of school. Sure. I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, I need more information to properly picture this. Underground library? Yeah. That's another type of library? Could have just been a Christian science reading room. You know those Christian scientists. You think they were Christian scientists or hot and heavy? Yeah.

Man, I'll tell you what. Every time I open up the monitor, I get a hot card. Oh, yeah. Lots of great stuff in there. Oh, geez, Louise. The monitor, they should change the name to the Spank Bank. The Christian Science Spank Bank. I want to apologize to the religion, Christian Science.

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. And thank them for running one of the best newspapers in America out of the kindness of their hearts. Sure. Top Flight Spank Bank. Like a really primo Spank Bank. If you could go to a Christian Science Bud Dispensary, do you think you'd hit that up? Oh, I would love to. Yeah.

Let me know. I mean, although I wonder if that goes against their principles. Their prohibition against medicine? Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Maybe you're supposed to get high on prayer or something. You're only allowed to use recreational marijuana. Yeah.

Oh, man. What about my ailments? You know, the ones that I have for reals? My ailments. I guess I'll just have to get high for fun. Yeah. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time Gene O'Neill. Did you decide to go back to boy detective, Jordan? Oh, Steel Santa was just a seasonal thing. And it's no longer... Yeah, like a, you know, eggnog latte or something. It's not man detective now? Oh, no.

I still haven't spreaded my detective pubes. I don't know. Did you like Steel Santa? I liked it. I mean, it was fun, but... No, I think the season was appropriate. I know that the podcast audience is resistant to change. You should probably...

So I don't want to cause a shitstorm. You should probably come up with a Martin Luther King one now, though. Oh, yeah. Jordan Morris, big dreamer. Jordan Morris writing letterser. Jordan Morris writing letters from a Birmingham dreamer.

Having some civil rights fun here. Yeah. Look that's it for this week's program. It's been a delight. It's always great

to have big time Gene O'Neill here. Yeah it is always great to have me here. I guess we'd give out your I mean now would be the time where we would like give out your like You know Twitter handle and stuff But if you're

I have nothing to promote or give out Is that also included in your break from the internet Are you not going to be on Twitter Yeah no Twitter was like a big problem for me And I'm going to like Try to stay off the Twitter I'm going to stay off the Twitter, damn it. So you, I mean, you were tweeting, I mean, literally once a month.

So I can understand that. It was such a big problem. Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I love to be on Twitter and just refresh the Twitter feed. I have a little bit of an addiction to that. Okay. I follow some pretty funny guys on Twitter. And ladies, and I'm going to miss them all.

If everyone could just give you a call. Yeah, just call me and tell me. Say a funny one-liner. Do you want me to text you my tweets from here on out? Or you just want to hear the funny tweets? I'll just catch up on it in bulk. Okay.

When 2016 New Year's. Read a whole year of Twitter. When Ryan Seacrest gets on TV, he says, ladies and gentlemen, Gene O'Neill, check your Twitter feed. Five, four. What do you think you're going to miss most about not being on the internet ever? God, Twitter is probably number one. I love Twitter so, so much. It brings me so much comedy joy.

Number two would be idle sports, just reading sports articles. Yeah, I got to go on that Grantland on my phone. Yeah. Read some dumb overlong article about a fucking sport I don't even care about. Yeah, got to get the analysis of the big game. Formula One racing. The beautiful game. Formula One racing. The beautiful game of Formula One racing. Fantasy football is in the rear view mirror, so that shouldn't be.

That's like a big part of my life that's behind me now. Fucking Grantland would have a big article about F1 racing. Totally. Yeah. And about why you should care about F1 racing. And I would read it. And at the end of it, I think, I didn't care about, I still don't care about F1 racing, but I read 4,000 words that were obviously written in one headlong rush on that subject.

Okay, so how are you going to get your sports scores? You going to subscribe to the newspaper? No, like on TV. You got to keep up with your beloved Lakers long-term slide into relevancy. This is a very easy year to be an inattentive

Los Angeles sports fan. How are you going to keep up with what minor crimes Yasiel Puig has committed? Hopefully he'll commit them in my neighborhood. Just your peripheral vision. Yeah.

Puig, if you're listening to this, to Carl Hugo in North Hollywood, Port Favore. Yasiel Puig should be the sports mascot of your guy's

2015 slogan. He's taking it pretty sleazy. He's been taking it pretty sleazy since he got off the boat. Yassiel Puig. I thought nobody would ever beat Jose Canseco's all-time baseball lunkhead record. When Jose Canseco got pulled over going 100 in his Porsche, and he said it was because it had been running poorly and he wanted to see how it did if he put jet fuel in it. But then Yossi El Puig got pulled over going 100 in his Mercedes with his mom and his sister in the car.

Going like 127, like some insane speed. With his mom in the car. No, going like 127. Like some insane speed. With his mom in the car. So Jose Canseco with the... Hey mom, get a load of this baby. It might kill you. His mom said you're going too fast. He's like, ah, it's because you're sitting over there from the angle it looks like.

Hey mom, remember how you barely survived the passage from the island dictatorship in which you lived not two months ago? Now my car can go 130. We're just going to flip this on the 405. With Jose Canseco, with the finger shooting off hoax, has he – or maybe he was before that. Was that a hoax? See, I think the hoax was the hoax. Oh, so you think it was – he actually did shoot off his finger and then walked it back?

Yeah, I think he walked it back thinking like, ah, this is just me becoming too much of a joke of myself, so I'm going to pretend it was a gotcha. So you think Jose Canseco decided he was self-aware enough to decide that there was a point where he was becoming too much of a joke of himself? He finally realized it. It wasn't earlier when he authored two different books about how it's good to use steroids. Well, yeah, but that's because he knew it was good to make money. He followed up his book about how it's good to use steroids with a second book about how it's good to use steroids. It's very good to use steroids. I guess I'm asking, is the era of Jose Canseco, you know, Twitter boob, is it over or are we still in it?

I think it's just beginning. Yeah. Can I tell you, one time I was on the Sklar Bros podcast and Nate Corddry was the guest. And Nate Corddry just offhandedly mentioned that one time he was playing softball with his softball team. And Jose Canseco and a friend came by and they were like, hey, can we play softball with you guys? And they just played, had a softball practice. Like two on nine? No.

Canseco played every position. His friend was manager. And in the game, he went 40-40. So, yeah, I think Jose Canseco is a legit madman. I think he could still go 40-40 personally. You think he could? Yeah. Not even in that, like for the Brooklyn Cyclones or whatever?

You're talking about the major leagues? Yeah, the major leagues. Man, you know what I think is really cool? There's only been a few baseball players who've done this, but I think one thing that's really cool is baseball players who retire from baseball and start playing professional softball. This guy, Corey Snyder, that played for the Giants for a while. Oh, did he do that? He played professional softball until he was like 53.

Did Ricky Henderson ever do professional softball or just semi-pro ball? Ricky never did. No, he never did semi-pro either. He was a professional player through and through just for an independent league. Oh, those are considered pro leagues? Yeah. Well, you get paid. He played a living wage.

What's semi-pro then? He played – for a while he was – I think you also have to like own a car dealership or something. For a while he was living in New York and playing for the Newark Bears and a car service would pick him up at his house and drive him to the ballpark in Newark and he only played home games. That was pretty good. You know what that's called? Fucking sleazy like Sunday morning.

Yeah, right? Ricky Henderson knows how to keep it sleazy like Sunday morning. Just get a fucking limousine to take you to the below single A minor league baseball team that you play for as a 46-year-old. I still bet he didn't jack off. No. Even then. Ricky didn't jack off. No. Even then. Ricky keeps his game tight.

Yeah. He's got to have that explosive power. Both on the base pass and with his penis. Sure. Just wanted to be clear. Oh, yeah. 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number to call. Lots of chat on the Reddits at MaximumFun.Reddit.com.

On the forum at Forum.MaximumFun.org on Facebook. Search for Jordan Jesse Go. Click like. Join the Maximum Fun group there on Facebook and on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo. Lindsay Pavlis on the boards. Brian Fernandez on the cut.

Brian will be back next week laughing outside Jordan's window. Don't worry, everybody. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. It's on Kites Are Fun, the best of The Free Design, which is a really wonderful record. And that's about it, kids. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Go.

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