Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 359: Live at the UCB with Emily Gordon

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

Producer and podcaster Emily V. Gordon joins Jordan and Jesse live on stage at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Los Angeles for a discussion of dental dams, online dating and STD billboards. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go listeners. It's me, Jesse. This week's Jordan, Jesse Go was recorded live at the Upright Citizens Brigade in Los Angeles. Our special guest is Emily Gordon. It is a really fun show. Let's go straight to the stage. Very exciting to be here right now. Very exciting for you to be here right now. Hello, Tuesday night, 1145!

Hey guys, thanks for missing your local news to be here. I know you guys probably all have Powerball tickets. Anyway, we want to kick things... It is really exciting to be here. It's been a long time since we've done a show here at the UCB. We mostly do... We'll do the occasional arena, but mostly stadiums. Yeah, we have the guy who designs U2's videos.

We have him on staff these days. 3D Tupac. Hologram Tupac. We'll have all your favorite hologram dead celebrities out here at some point. We actually were. Including Philip Seymour Hoffman, the newest addition to our show. A lot of people said, there were

three different kinds of aws for that. There was, aw, come on, asshole. There was, aw, he was so talented. But there's a girl right here who said, aw, like I was talking about a cat. Like she was remembering a time that Philip Seymour Hoffman

chased a laser pointer around the room. Jordan, I don't know, did you get a chance to look at our schedule before we booked this show? We were actually, tonight we were scheduled to be at Shea Stadium. Yeah, I thought that was weird, because I told the driver to take me to the show, and I expected us to go right to Shea Stadium, but we came here. I actually, I got a personal call from my friend Billy, and he asked...

Oh, sorry, Billy Joel? Yeah, Billy Joel. Oh, okay. And he asked if he could use Shea Stadium tonight. I said, look, I know a cool underground venue we could hit up instead. Go ahead and use Shea tonight, Billy, because you're the piano man. I know him through my friend Christy. Christy Brickley?

Yeah. I dated her in the late 80s. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when I was... Did she ditch you because of your Coke problem? Because I was late 80s. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when I was... Did she ditch you because of your Coke problem? Because I was in fourth grade. Oh, okay. When you had your big Coke problem.

Right, yeah. It was really affecting your cursive, I think. Jesse, we need to talk about your Coke problem. Can I tell you the honest... It's affecting you. Can I tell you the honest truth, Jordan? I drank a 12-ounce Coke before we went on stage, and I am seriously, like,

it takes everything in my power not to do that thing where you touch all of your fingers with your thumb right now. Someone get him a Bowie knife so he can do the aliens thing. Yeah, so maybe for those of you who are not familiar, Jesse, you're not a man who likes alcohol,

who likes drugs, you don't usually stay up too late, so that Coke, I mean, you're basically rolling on E. Exactly. This is as high as I will be this year. Was this some of the cane sugar shit, or was this a... Oh, this was the real shit, yeah. No doubt about it. None of that high fructose corn syrup.

That just gives you cancer or something, I don't know. Jesse, those are strong. You should have only drank half. Fair enough. Do you want to get into the don't know. Jesse, those are strong. You should have only drank half. Fair enough. Do you want to get into the business? Oh, yes. Let's do.

I actually, so here's the thing. We were looking at a website called The Daily Dot the other day. And this is like, we like to open shows a lot of times with something that's fun, but also informative and sort of helpful. So you guys can, you know, you can feel like you laugh, but you can also, you know, learn something the next time you're at a, you know, fun party. Exactly. Sort of, I mean, the same kind of idea as Bunker Buddies, like something that's useful for you, but also fun.

And so I ran across this article on the internet. It was on the Daily Dot. It was called The Biggest Lies You've Been Told About the Vagina. And I thought probably a lot of people here at this show tonight are going to have vaginas. They've met vaginas. They aspire to meet vaginas. You've done research on

vaginas. Maybe you draw them. So I thought we could take this time to just kind of dispel a few of those myths about vaginas. Yeah, and I think we all liked this list that we saw, but there were only six things. And we

thought, God, I mean, how many lies have you heard about the vagina? So many lies. Lots of lies. Jesus Christ. The amount of just deception in the vaginal subject matter area that I've experienced is astonishing.

Alarming. Listen, for the whole truth, just go on YouTube, type in loose change. There's a lot of good information in there. The vagina just doesn't add up. So yeah, so there were six things on this list. 600 engineers have signed a petition regarding vaginas. There were a lot of things on this list. You know, that, like what was it?

It was stuff like, you know, the vagina stretches when you've had a lot of sex. Oh, exactly. Men prefer a shaved vagina. I think these are all just lies that we've been told. But we just kind of expanded it a little bit. So just, you know, here's a little bit of information and we'll just start the comedy show after this. Yeah, so do you want to...

Oh, yeah, sure, absolutely. Yeah, so there's men prefer shaved vaginas. Oh, but here's one I think that we want to add to the list. Here's a myth that the vagina is the subject of the Barry Manilow song Mandy. That's actually not true. It's about his dog. No. A lot of people think you should pair a vagina with a red wine.

The truth is that red and white wines are both equally suitable. And if you want, you can use a sparkling wine at a little OJ for a Sunday fun day. Here's one. A vagina won the 2011 Best Actress Oscar for its portrayal of the Iron Lady, Margaret Thatcher. It's a myth, folks. Incorrect. That year's winner was Natalie Portman for Black Swan.

Yeah, vagina lost squarely. You know, a lot of people believe this, and this one's so complicated, so it's amazing. Sure. It's a myth. But, you know, a lot of people think that historical evidence suggests

that in pre-Christian times, it was believed that the vagina served as a portal to a nightmarish hell dimension presided over by the goat god Demothodos. That's actually false. The hell dimension's portal was the vulva.

The vulva. A lot of people confuse those two things. And finally, the last lie that we wanted to address was that horse vaginas are too big for a human penis. Untrue. If anything, they're too small. Jordan Jesse goes

supported in part by FXX presenting Man Seeking Woman, a new surreal dating comedy from former SNL writer Simon Rich and executive producer Lorne Michaels. It stars Jay Baruchel of This Is The End and Eric Andre of The Internship, and it premieres January 14th at 10.30 p.m. on FXX. I am so excited for this show.

I really think Simon Rich is one of the funniest human beings on the earth, and Jay and Eric are both brilliantly funny as well. So please do go check this out. January 14th, 10.30 p.m. on FXX. It has the Jesse Thorne endorsement. Obviously, Jordan's not on microphone right now or he would be endorsing it too. I bet. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. endorsing it too. I bet.

We've actually got a great guest here tonight. You might know her as the executive producer of The Meltdown on Comedy Central or as one of the co-hosts of The Indoor Kids from the Nerdist Network. How about a hand for Emily Gordon, everybody? Emily Gordon, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, hello.

So many vagina lies dispelled. Yeah, well, you know, we're doing God's work. I appreciate it. Some of those were news to me, too. Yeah. I'm glad we waited to bring out our female guests. We did that vagina list. Couldn't look me in the eye during that, maybe.

So maybe for the best. They also, vaginas cannot look up That one is true Also if you ask a vagina if it's a vagina It has to tell you that it is Otherwise The deal is off All the deals are off

Those are two true ones You can take that to the bank I actually ask that question a lot when I get high. I'm like, are you a vagina? You have to tell me. You have to tell me. I saw a billboard on

San Fernando Boulevard driving to the thrift store the other day that said... Which is the most Jesse Thorne thing you could do. That said, California number two in syphilis.

Yeah, where's your hometown pride, people? We really did it. And I found myself thinking, well, my first thought is, is this a brag? And I figured it's probably not a brag. Number two in

syphilis, number one in your heart. First in the American League. And then the second thought that I had was like, I mean, California's the number one biggest state, so number two in syphilis ain't that bad. Not bad. I want to know who is number one.

Oh, it's Florida. Come on, there's no way it's not Florida. What if it was like New Hampshire? What if that was New Hampshire's secret? What they don't want you to know about New Hampshire. It's all those fucking presidential candidates getting in there early, spreading syphilis.

Just coming and going, spreading it around, yeah. Bill Clinton, 92. I mean, I think we're actually living in a golden age of syphilis billboards. Have you guys seen the one that... Have you guys seen the one... USA! USA! We're in a golden age of dramatic television.

Sure. The Wire, Mad Men, Breaking Bad. You know, in a golden age of dramatic television. Sure. The Wire, Mad Men, Breaking Bad. You know, in a lot of ways, I think they're as good as movies. The syphilis billboards,

I mean. Yeah. I would much rather watch a syphilis billboard than one of these Hollywood comic book blockbusters they keep churning out.

I have syphilis. And it's the same thing. Oh, you don't have syphilis? You haven't had syphilis yet? You haven't have syphilis. And it's the same thing. Oh, you don't have syphilis? You haven't had syphilis yet? You haven't had syphilis? You have to. I mean, you have to have syphilis. Oh, you have to.

So good. Oh, it's so good. I have to. I can't even talk. It's not going to make sense for the first three episodes. I actually got this. Watch it. Get through the first three.

You're going to love syphilis. It is going to burn. I actually just got... Love syphilis. I just got back from San Francisco. I went to a restaurant that only serves toast and penicillin. It's local penicillin, right? It is. It's artisanal penicillin.

Think globally, act locally. I would say that I like that one. Maybe my favorite syphilis billboard in the Hollywood area is the one featuring the volcano. The explosion. The syphilis explosion is the best one. It's called, yeah, the tagline is syphilis explosion. Again, not sure if it's a brag.

But it's this, like, you know the cover of Dianetics? It's just like the same volcano from Dianetics? You're right. That's exactly what it is. Yeah. Do you think that the AIDS Healthcare Foundation just got a bunch of used Dianetics billboards on half price and just slapped syphilis on top of them?

I think what they're trying to get across is the little known fact that syphilis on top of him. I think what they're trying to get across is the little-known fact that syphilis killed the dinosaurs. And sunk Atlantis. It's also possible that they're trying to get across that syphilis is caused by psychiatrists. That could be true also. Everybody protect yourself. That's all we're trying to say here tonight.

Just protect yourself. End of the day, news you can use on Jordan, Jesse, go. No glove, no love. Yeah, sure. That's our slogan. No glove, no love. Guys, we're going to be passing out dental dams after this show. Those things.

My God, those things. Yeah, okay. Jesse and I were both RAs in college. Yeah. trying. Jesse and I were both RAs in college. The RA staff, the housing staff, really pushed the dental dam on us. Why do they always describe it as the size of a piece of bread? It's always described as the

size of a piece of bread. That's what they tell you right after they put the condom on the banana. It's a balanced breakfast, really. It's a balanced breakfast, really. It's a balanced sexual breakfast. Gross item. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I feel... Is it not... Am I doing the wrong thing by making fun of the dental dam? I don't think so. I feel like everybody makes fun of it. It's the same as the male condom thing that you could put...

Or the female condom, sorry. The female condom we all know about. It's just not realistic, folks. Come on, guys. Glove love. Put a glove on your erect penis. I once chaperoned a

gay and lesbian prom in Chicago for teenagers who weren't allowed to be with their significant others at their own prom. Okay, we get it. You're a wonderful person. I volunteer, guys. Congratulations. I once hosted a prom for homeless cats and dogs. Oh, so cute!

They had little tuxedos on. Little babies. Did I mention they were all gay? Gay, homeless cats and dogs? They got kicked out because they were gay. I only have one question about that, Jordan. When it comes down to it, who rescued who? Am I right? Who rescued

who? They rescued me. Who rescued who? Gay, homeless cats and dogs. They're little boutonnieres. They're so cute. They're chewing on them, probably. But I had to give away a prize pack that had dental dams and female condoms and male condoms, depending on who the couples were. And everyone was like, what the fuck are you trying to do right here?

But maybe if there were some hors d'oeuvres at the prom, you could put them in the dental dam, wrap them up, save them for later. Nice little sack. Yeah, that would have worked out. Basically. I feel like in my sex ed class, they also pitched using saran wrap in a pinch. No way. Yeah, like you can just use a square.

It's like, I don't know how realistic just a dental dam, like a dental dam is, it's just a piece of rubber that someone hands you and you put in the trash, right? Are you referring to the vagina as a piece of trash? I just feel like, do you feel like even like

super safety oriented, sex positive lesbians on some sort of lesbian AIDS ward? I feel like even they are not using dental dams. I can't imagine, right? Has anyone, okay, there's like a hundred people here. Has anyone ever are not using dental dams. I can't imagine, right? I mean, that's enough. Has anyone, okay, there's like 100 people here. Has anyone ever actually used a dental dam?

Seriously? For eating pussy, specifically. Yeah, this dude's, what's up? Do you want to talk about it on a podcast? I was a little nervous. Can you come up? Yeah, come up. Hey, give this pussy eater a hand.

Yeah. Should this mic? Go to that mic. I mean, stay away from us. Don't come near. Oh, yeah. Don't come. And definitely, yeah.

Yeah, let's make this six foot nine guy hunch over. Sir, if you could get in pussy eating position. Here we go. Take a seat. Take a seat. For the listener at home, this man is huge. And he just bent over to talk into the world's tiniest mic stand. Like it was a clitoris. Can I tell you a secret about this dude?

One look at him and I trust him to eat my pussy. Thank you, sir. I look at you and I think, this guy might have mouth sores. I can't see your mouth from here, but... Damn it up, you know? Damn it up. Damn it up. Beaver style, right? Damn it up. Oh, gross.

Gross. No. Gross. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. That's good stuff. It's not, and you know it. It's not good stuff. If you knew, if this guy wasn't too humble to tell you about his work with gay cats and dogs,

teenage cats and dogs. They had nowhere else to go, you guys. They're not allowed to go to the heterosexual dog prom. Oh, hold on. We have to talk to this giant about eating pussy. Your giant pussy eating service. What size was the pussy? Was it also nine feet tall?

It was not. It was actually proportionally way off of what I am typically encounter as far as size. Sorry, what's your name, sir? Mike. Mike. It might be a fake name. I'm sorry about that. So Mike, what's your name, sir? Mike. Mike, great. It might be a fake name. I'm sorry about that. So Mike, what, okay, so the dental dam,

was this a first time you were hooking up with someone, or was this like a long-term? No, this was an adventure. This was something adventurous. Oh, wow, okay. I was given sort of like a prize pack from my college health center, right? Oh, okay.

Yeah, so exactly. So you were just a hodgepodge of things. And the dental dam came in this little square that I had to unfold like several times over. Unfurl, really? Yeah, exactly.

Like a proclamation from the king. Exactly. I was thinking maybe the parachute attached to one of those parachute men. The same size

as the square that you get in the new Cracker Jack boxes where it's just a sticker. It used to be a prize but but it's like yay tiny, and I had to, like, unfurl it. You know, just like Ikea, you know, instructions, something like that, right?

You know what? I actually, this thing is, after Saran Wrap, they said, if you've got one of those parachute men around. That's fun for everybody. Yeah. Yeah, so, you know, we just said, do we want to try this? You know, and it was just one of those things where it wasn't a good time for me to be down there at that time. She was on her period.

Yes, thank you for clarifying. This was a menstruation issue. Exactly. You guys, she was on her period. It was even more adventurous than we wanted to go at that point, but we gave it a shot. I'm sorry, what was the problem? I'm sorry, what was the problem? George and Jesse go after dark today.

Oh yeah, this episode's only airing on Showtime. After it all, dude. How did it feel for you compared to other experiences? Couldn't think of a show on Showtime. Dexter? Shut up. Shameless. Shameless, there you go. You are.

Just look at a list of comedies nominated for an award and name the ones that aren't funny. The ones that are on Showtime. It was like trying to push my face through a shopping bag, like a plastic shopping bag. Because, I mean, it almost felt like you were going to break through it at some point. Stretches. It almost felt like you were going to break through it at some point. Stretches. I think of the dream chest from Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4 where faces are just going to pop and move, right?

Little faces. There's a silhouette that just kind of comes through, right? And that painted a more erotic picture than I was prepared for it to. Brian, you're here, could you write that down so that we can share it with sex educators later? Thanks. And how was the experience for her? Wildly unresponsive.

Okay. Yeah, it was just a deadness and a fear on her face. You just looked up and she was reading a Hunger Games book? Exactly. Oh, are you still down there? Right. I mean, no, she probably was very aware of it because the idea of having someone go through a shopping bag

to get to that does not seem appealing at all. What's weird is that it was that kind of shiny silver mylar, like the blanket they give you after a marathon. That's right. Or you've been through some sort of trauma. You're sitting in the back of the ambulance. Firemen have it to give to people who have been in a burning building. I didn't even see the guy.

I don't know who he was. A giant is performing cuddling kiss on you. Sorry, Mike. Hey, Mike, thank you for being so open. Mike, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for Mike.

Thank you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. It's me, Jesse, bothering you again. We have a brand new pop culture talk show on MaximumFun.org, hosted by beloved past Jordan Jesse Go guest Guy Branum.

It's called Pop Rocket. It is a weekly traipse through the tulips of popular culture with Guy and other comedians and culture critics and brilliant, incisive, wonderful people. It is such a fun, interesting show. You'll learn a lot. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll cry.

You may retch. And you may get itchy. We have put some itching powder in the program. So go to iTunes and search for Pop Rocket or listen to it at MaximumFun.org. Also, a quick reminder. Jordan Jesse Goh is live at SF Sketch Fest the first week of February, February 7th in the afternoon alongside my brother, my brother and me. We will be joined by the brilliant and delightful Irish comedian Maeve Higgins. She is such a joy and possibly other special guests. The show's at Cobb's Comedy Club. It's a Saturday afternoon. Get your tickets now. Go to MaximumFun.org. You can find the show in the right-hand bar under live shows. Someone throws us a snack, we eat it, and then we rate it on a scale from yummy to crummy. We've recorded a pilot, and we're going to be raising funds for the series on Kickstarter beginning Tuesday, January 20th. And if we receive enough backers, we will receive a huge challenge grant from our friends at Hover.com.

Go to MaximumFun.org slash Toteseat for more information. Question for you. Shoot it at me. You going to eat that? Totally. Totally. Oh yeah, speaking of issues

of the genitalia, I had something I wanted to... My dick keeps getting bigger and bigger than normal. Yeah, I mean, it started when I was 12. Doesn't seem to have stopped. I am having a hard time going through certain doors. Is there a penis pituitary gland? Because I believe mine might have some sort of problem.

I wanted to talk about the issue of online dating. Oh, sure. It's something I kind of wanted to try out a while back. I've been told the kids on the internet like to date online.

And I've been kind of against it just because of a bad Craigslist experience. Casual encounter? No, just getting a roommate who I thought was 420 friendly, but then was not. That sounds really traumatic. Yeah, it was.

They were not as chill as they led me to believe. In their ads. They said they were totally chill. Just turned out to be a broken Ikea armoire. So it's something I've really wanted to try, and I've been at it a while, and I've actually had a really nice time doing it, and I've had a blast and a half so far,

but it was slow going. Okay. The initial making of the profile was very difficult because there were two things. One, I have no pictures of myself where I look handsome. It's either like pictures of me goofing around at

UCB or Brian, I have the one picture of myself that I think is pretty good but I'm a little bit younger in it. Can you put it up there for us, Brian? I think that's normal to... Quite a stud. I mean... So this is... Quite a stud. I mean...

So this is a picture of... Swipe right or whatever. Right? So maybe you can describe for the home listener. When you say younger, I mean, you're 32 now, right? 32, yeah, yeah.

So this is about 26 years ago. And I guess at the time you were roping doggies? Yeah, this is a picture, a black and white picture of me as a five-year-old in cowboy shit. Your pants are very high-waisted. I'm actually distracted by that more than your face or age or anything. Is this really you? This is absolutely me.

And yes, I have high-waisted jeans. Like I'm a woman with a pixie haircut who works in a Silver Lake coffee shop. And yeah, and I have a lasso and a cowboy hat. You're roping in some girl's heart, is what you're doing. No, no, I was actually in the rodeo. This is me mid-rodeo. No, I'm not.

This is a goofy picture my parents took of me. I know, but I'm saying that would be the caption for your profile if you use this for your picture. Oh, yeah. Roping in your heart. Or possibly just your vag. I'll stay on your heart for six seconds. You won't be able to buck me off.

Wait, no, you don't want that at all. Emily, roping in your vulva. Vulva. I'm sorry. I apologize. I apologize. So that's an issue. I mean, you know what?

I'm just kind of worried about the message that this sends. Not only am I too young here, but also I think it might attract people from the bondage community. Sure. Because there's a lasso involved. But also there's the issue of just kind of like what's typically in these profiles. I think the three things, if you've ever done this before, the three things that appear constantly, loves animals, loves hikes, loves brunch. Really? That's so sad. That's the classic Troika.

Here's the thing. I recognize that just everybody puts that. I genuinely love that shit. I genuinely love pets and hikes and brunch. I'm love that shit. I genuinely love pets and hikes and brunch. What do I do? I feel like I'm the only one who really likes them. Everybody else is just

fucking... They just don't want to put I love UFC into their dating profile. Yeah, everybody loves UFC and the Big Bang Theory. That's all anyone likes. I'm the only one who truly appreciates pets and hikes and brunch. So I don't know.

Maybe you guys can help me either come up with some new interests or find some way to stake my claim to pets and hikes and brunch. Yeah, I think it's maybe about reframing a little. Okay. Like, I like a late breakfast. Eating pets.

Okay, there's two different ways. Oh, killing and eating pets? Well, I mean, that would be so hypocritical of me because I like to work with homeless gay ones. But you can't tell me that you've never eaten any of them. No, I've eaten some of them. I have eaten some of them in a pinch. Okay, well, then that, I would definitely mention that, but mention that you're doing that

late morning so that they're aware. And you do it with friends and you all stand around and wait in line to go to a restaurant when there are five other restaurants close by that have no line whatsoever. Because that's a very important part of the brunching. What else can you reframe? Hikes? You really like to hike?

I do. I genuinely like to hike. I will fucking hike and I'll enjoy it. I didn't think anybody liked to hike. This is me on a hike. Whole time? I'm loving it. Save that energy. You can't shut me up when I'm on a hike. Justin, do you like to hike? No. Yeah. It clears my head.

The whole time I'm taking a hike, this is the question in my head. Where am I going? To a relaxation town. To a better you. To clarity. My wife's family, my in-laws, love hiking. And they will literally hike for, I don't know, three hours. And, like, at the end of it, you know what you have?

Fucking peanut butter sandwiches and a view of a lake. What a great view, though, right? You know what? I can just fucking sit on my computer, type lake into Google Images. Eat as many goddamn peanut butter sandwiches as I want. My husband went on a hike on Saturday

and is still limping today. He's in great shape. It's rough. Hiking's rough. I feel like I thought that everybody who said they liked hiking was lying. No, not lying. We'll hike now. It's fucking 1230 at night.

Let's hike up to the Hollywood sign. Let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. Then we'll do drugs. Let's take it down. Let's take the whole thing down. Just so you know, Jordan, this dude over here who's wearing this American flag costume, that guy's fucking on board to go hiking with you right now.

Oh yeah, this guy looks juiced. You went hiking today? You hiked today? Where did you hike? To the Hollywood sign, because they just reopened it. That's right, yeah. Topical, you guys. Was the Hollywood sign closed before? They closed down the path because the neighborhood was like mad or something? Yeah, I don't know.

There was a whole thing where the neighbors, and I'm not going to be saying this, the people, one of the ways that you can get to the Hollywood sign, the neighbors had started rerouting and changing the actual, like, where it was on Google Maps so that people wouldn't go through their neighborhood to get to the Hollywood sign. Which is a separate issue than them closing down

the thing and reopening it, but they're, uh, people don't like people going to that Hollywood sign. Same thing happened to me when I used to live on the observation deck of the Empire State Building. There was always all these fucking tourists up there. What are you doing here? Get out of here, assholes. What are you, proposing?

Get out of here. Hey, I'm walking here, is what I would say, because I was a classic New Yorker at the time. You know, the pizza's better because of the tap water. Yeah, you got it. Bagels, whatever. Okay, so you know what? pizza's better because of the tap water. Yeah, you got it. Bagels, whatever. Okay, so you know what? Here's the thing. Maybe it'll be this big surprise when I'm into pets and hikes and brunch.

Maybe as far as just, like, the profile goes, I'll go, like, I'm into sloth. Yeah. Gluttony. Gluttony. Medical marijuana. Medical marijuana. Well, that's true. Oh, the other ones weren't true?

I thought we were just coming up with alternate hobbies of yours. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, I could just talk about my love of, you know, dank nugs. Dank nugs. I'm sure that, yeah, I'm sure a lot of people do that on their profiles, right? I mean, I think the way to find chicks is just be like, I'm into dank nugs, Japanese import fighting games. Dental dams. Yep, and dental dams.

Yeah, someone yelled out dental dams. And Quentin Tarantino movies. I guess I could just leave those three hobbies off. I have a lot of other appealing hobbies. Like dank nugs. Japanese import fighting games. Pussy Mythbuster. Someone just yelled out Pussy Mythbuster.

Pussy McBuster. What are you talking about? Part of me wants to invite this guy down, but part of me thinks this is just a fucking guy on TV. Can I just say, I want to say something to this guy. Number one, just because they're on Mythbusters doesn't mean their last name is Mythbuster.

Number two, I'm pretty sure Pussy is from The Sopranos, right? Yeah, I think so too. You're thinking of Adam Savage, sir. And then like arguing about what went wrong with the Predator franchise. That's a good hobby. Yeah, it's a great hobby. I think we've cracked the code. Yeah, that's what

you list and then let it, when you get there, surprise her with the fact that you like to do things that all white people like to do. Jordan, have you ever heard of the show Breaking Bad? It's really great. Have you ever read the book The Game?

Yeah. Sure, yeah, this is about techniques. To meet chicks and stuff and get them into bed and everything. You remember, it's 12 chapters, and they're all about the Predator franchise. I think it's weird, too, that on dating profiles there's not a place to put how many sword runes you've collected in Shadow of Mordor.

I mean, we're going to start that dating site, right? I'll just put it under About Me. It's important. It's very important. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la A quick reminder, this week's Jordan Jesse Go is supported in part by FXX. We have a new show called Man Seeking Woman. It's a surreal dating comedy from former SNL writer Simon Rich and executive producer Lorne Michaels. It stars Jay Baruchel of This Is The End and Eric Andre of The Internship and, of course, The Eric Andre Show. The series premieres January 14th at 10.30 p.m. on FXX.

If you have ever read anything that Simon Rich has written, you know that he's one of the funniest people ever. And if you've ever seen Jay Baruchel in anything, you know that he is one of the most charming and funny actors we've got. I'm really excited about this show. Check it out January 14th at 10.30 p.m. on FXX. You know that he is one of the most charming and funny actors we've got. I'm really excited about this show. Check it out January 14th at 10.30 p.m. on FXX.

When something momentous happens to those of you in our live studio audience, we ask you to write it on this notepad that Sonny D gave it to you, this notecard that Sonny D gave it to you earlier, so that we can bring you up to this microphone. Somebody just visited the Hoover Dam. You, sir, come down to this microphone. Give him a hand, everybody. Great news.

It's another huge dude. We all still have a two-foot-tall microphone stand. Yeah, I don't know how to lift it. Sir, what's your name? I'm Daniel. Hi, Daniel. Nice to meet you. Nice to see you. We're not going to talk about your thing.

We're just going to casually chit-chat. Daniel, did we meet on the telephone earlier? Is that what you said? Nice to see you. I don't know. Okay, so tell us a little bit about your momentous occasion. What happened? Is that what you said? Nice to see you. I don't know. Okay. So tell us a little bit about your momentous occasion. What happened? So went to the Hoover Dam with the in-laws and my sister-in-law's shitty boyfriend.

But the thing that really... Tell me about this boyfriend. Let's get into it. What are we talking? What are we talking? Ear gauges, white dreadlocks. Predator franchise. Predator franchise.

Has opinions about it. Sweatshirt with don't tread on me on it and told me lots about guns and all sorts of lovely stuff like that. He's from Reno, so. I don't know what that means, but that sounds rough. It's white trash. So he likes guns and buffets. Pretty much, yeah. Went into the gift shop at the Hoover Dam.

Hoover Dam, nice, whatever. It's a wall that there's water on the side of it. It's a modern marvel, sir. I don't like you being so flip about this thing. It's one of the goddamn wonders of the world. Is it really? I don't think it is. I mean, I think they just make up this list now.

I think Hello Giggles has their own list. You can just call just anything a wonder of the world. Is it really? I don't think it is. I mean, I think they just make up this list now. I think Hello Giggles has their own list. You can just call just anything a wonder of the world. It is one of the engineering wonders of the world. We learned that before we met. A nice woman in the audience has pointed out that it's one of the engineering wonders of the world. Thank you very much, ma'am. Daniel's wife.

Yes. However, I'm with Jordan. Calling it a wall with water on the other side is bullshit, and now I'm against you. I suppose you think the syphilis volcano billboard is just a billboard. It's not. You know, maybe you shouldn't tread on...

Thank you. Some of the greatest civil engineering works in American history. The dead will damn you up. You know what? The pieces just don't add up. 700 architects have signed a petition.

Go to you, Daniel. Daniel is dead wrong about the Hoover Dam. Philip Seymour Hoffman is still alive. Would that it were true. So, gift shop. Sorry, what are you talking, who are you? Some guy. There's a damn.

You're here to talk about your pussy? Same guy. I'm back on your team, Daniel. Yeah, you're great. I'm with you now. So, okay. Same guy. So you're at the Hoover Dam, you're not impressed, you're over it.

It's fine. You know, I'm turned around, I love it. It's great, You know, I'm turned over. I love it. It's great. Damn. But in the gift shop, lots of Navajo junk and, like, biker jackets and stuff. You know what? Give respect to the Navajos and the bikers.

They built the Hoover Dam. Now they want to sell their wares. Yeah. So, the three songs in a row that come on... Wait, so it's like Dreamcatchers and shivs? Yeah, and magnets that were made out of bullets for your refrigerator. Okay, that's pretty cool, actually. And stuff about the dam, I guess.

And so the music that comes on is... I walk in there and Take On Me is playing very, very loudly. The music is very loud in there. Take on me. Take on me. Take me on. Okay. Good work, everybody.

Drowning out any conversation. Way to kind of know that song. Drowns out all conversation. That kinda know that song. Drowns out all conversation. That's sort of a weird song for the gift shop, whatever. Next song that comes on. You think it should all be songs about dams? Clearly. Well, it shouldn't be

the Phantom of the Opera, which is the next song that comes on. And can you sing a little bit of that for us? Um, no. Okay. Okay, great. Good fake out. And then my sister-in-law and her shitty boyfriend were singing it along with it. And then comes on Coldplay.

Hold up. This dude loved the Marines and Andrew Lloyd Webber? This man contains multitudes. Do not underestimate him. Good point. And then Coldplay song came on. Probably like Reed's cuniform or something.

That's my prediction. And then the final song was Coldplay. Yeah, Speed of Sound. And it just was so... This is a hell of a Pandora station. I know, right? And that's just what... That's what you get when you type in damn into Pandora. Every day they're doing that when they get to work.

Daniel, thank you very much. Yeah, thank you very much. This has been... Daniel, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't quite make it to the crowd. Okay. Somebody's writing a comic book right now. Writing a comic book.

You, sir. Come on up. Convenient in the front. Number one, you writing a comic book. I'm not buying it. For the listener at home, this guy looks exactly like someone who would be writing a comic book, I'm not buying it. For the listener at home, this guy looks exactly like someone who would be writing a comic book.

What's your name, sir? Brandon. Hi, Brandon. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Where would you put Captain America, the guy whose thingy's on your t-shirt, in your top super dudes? I've literally been waiting years for this question.

I would say probably Hawkeye, Iron Man, and then Captain America. Wow. And then what's the rest of the ranking? Go to 40. Number 40 is Booster Gold. Well done. He is pretty lame. Okay, so...

Tell us what your momentous occasion is, sir. Yeah, I've been writing this comic book for the last month or so about a kid who moves to a weird combination of Portland, Brooklyn, and Austin to be, like, an indie rocker. How do you have to combine those? So he moves to a weird combination of Portland, Brooklyn, and Austin to be like an indie rocker. How do you have to combine? So he moves to one of those places?

Yeah, well... So just slight weather changes. It's like a kind of heightened reality thing. And I, while writing today, managed to work in an obscure reference to the band Phish that would appeal only to me. That's a good... somebody's gonna notice that

years down the line. I hope so. Can you tell us what the reference is so we can either look out for it or make fun of you? What I like about this,

I do want to hear the reference. I'm just impressed that you're like, I'm a comic book writer. What can I do to further alienate potential objects of my

romantic affections? My girlfriend is weirdly on board with it. Oh, excellent. Not just on board, but weirdly. Yeah, no. She's like, yeah, the dorkier I get, the more turned on she is. Honestly, the weird thing is that his girlfriend is Booster Gold.

She is. She's been trapped in time for the last several years, his girlfriend is Booster Gold. She is. She's been trapped in time for the last several years, but is now back. Okay, that got the response it deserved. I got two claps. Hold on. I know what you're talking about. I'm aware that he's discovered the pre-New 52 DC continuity. I know that.

I'm just not going to fucking give you the applause that you want. That's fair. No, that's fair. That is perfectly fair. Did you guys know that there was a thing called Alpha Flight and it was sort of like the Canadian X-Men? Yeah. That's all I got. Wolverine was on it for a minute, I think. He went to Canada?

Okay, who's Canadian? Shut this down! So what was, tell us what the reference was. What's the fish reference? There's a fish song called Fluffhead, which is one of their 20-minute long... I know. Like 20-minute long, you know, odysseys. So one of their songs.

Yeah, one of their songs. This isn't one of their other, like, two-minute and 25-second Phil Spector tight as a drum. Their radio demo. They have a few of those. And there's a lyric in there. Take on me is actually a fish song. A lot of people don't know that.

It is. There's a line in there about, the line is like, soon your luscious honey sugar mellifluous life is going to end. Hold on. Yeah. It's a terrible song. So what you're telling me is you didn't just name a guy in your comic book Fluff on. Yeah. It's a terrible song. So what you're telling me is you didn't just name

a guy in your comic book Fluffhead. No. No, I did not. That wasn't enough for you. No, it wasn't. Did you say his lyrics? Well,

one of the subplots is that this town is sort of ruled by essentially the Decembrists. Jesus Christ. I know. This is such a comic book. Yeah.

And so that guy always speaks in very heightened prose, and that's one of his lines. Wow. Do you know what I just learned? That fish songs have lyrics. I think I'm looking at the... I didn't know that fish songs had lyrics at all.

I thought when you said, like, oh, I included a reference to fish in my comic book, I thought you just meant you were going to have 20 pages of a bass solo. There is a page that's sort of... Or 20 pages of a bass solo. There is a page that's sort of... Or 20 pages of a bass solo. Fish. Fish.

What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about fish, Jordan. Oh, you know what? Wow. Thanks, folks. I'm Jesse Thorne from National Public Radio. You guys are really floundering over there.

Thank you, thank you. I guess I have gills. Fuck you. That was a roughy one. I could do this all night. Well, congratulations. That's quite an accomplishment. Do you have another kind of niche interest

that you hope to work into your comic book at a later date? Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson. Actually, I wrote a play in college and there were two characters named Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson. And you're cool with me. Yeah, fair enough. Way to go.

Hey, give him a hand, everybody. I think we've got one more before we get out of here. Let's see. I can't read this handwriting. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Is anyone in here? Oh, you're from Wisconsin. Somebody came from Wisconsin.

Oh, yeah, Wisconsin. Somebody tweeted at me from Wisconsin. That was you? Come on up. Ladies and gentlemen, the American flag. This guy is dressed as an outcast album cover. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's right.

What's your name, sir? David. Hi, David. Welcome. You came all the way from Wisconsin just to see us, huh? Yeah. There you go. You got that question right.

A lot of people would say no for work Or to do great things in Los Angeles Or whatever, don't say that to us It's the second time I came here once before, like six months ago And there was a meetup that happened And I was able to attend And then the next time I come in, you had another live performance

That's pretty cool That's kismet, super cool Nice to be, please don't murder us You will not gain our powers You might gain their powers Pretty cool. That's gizmo. Super cool. So... Nice to meet you. Please don't murder us. You will not gain our powers. You might gain their powers. You might gain their powers. We have no powers. I just want to put that out there.

Jordan, I'm in a little outfit called Alpha Flight. It's sort of like the Canadian X-Men. Do you know Wendigo? That's probably someone from Alpha Flight. He's a shaman. Anyway. What are you talking about? You're talking about eating pussy?

There's a shaman in Alpha Flight? Windego's a shaman, right? He made a deal with a trickster god and he turned into the Windego who's like a Canadian werewolf, right? Windego is a flesh eater, right? Isn't that what Wendigo is? Yeah.

He's like a... I'm looking at your beard, guy. Am I right? I've seen Ravenous. Fucking Ravenous. I like the idea of this guy being a shaman just in the sense that when Alpha Flight's really not sure what to do, like Wolverine's not

around or whatever, the shaman just busts out the ayahuasca. And they really get to know themselves. Let's ask God what to do after we throw up for four hours. Try to put it back in our body.

If it needs to get back in there. So you came here from Wisconsin. How's Wisconsin this time of year? It was minus 30 degrees wind chill when we left. Cool wind chill, dude. Yeah, no, it sucks. Yeah, yeah. So we came here, and then we were hiking up the trail to see the Hollywood sign,

and we were going to film a couple episodes of our TV show. We filmed a yoga TV show, and we had the hiking, and it all tied together. And it came here, and then you guys were performing live. You host a yoga television show? No, no. My wife.

I film it. Oh. Is your wife here? No, she's not. She's with our kids. That makes sense. I get that. I get that.

Fuck them, right? Yeah, but bring the kids. There's a lot they can learn here. Yeah, a lot of vagina facts. Vagina facts? It just came on PBS and ION TV. They just bought it. And it airs, I think,

on Hollywood. In Hollywood PBS. We want to make fun of your show, not get an exhaustive rundown of where viewers can check it out. What happens on this show? It's just you pointing a camera at your wife who's doing yoga in various tourist locations?

They're kind of abstracted. They're just beautiful locations. Scenic in nature, and on PBS, it's just seated. The yoga's not abstracted. It's very concrete, right? Yeah, on a chair in nature. The yoga's not abstract. It's very concrete, right? On a chair in nature.

Beautiful. Yeah, but it was a simple... Wait, on a chair? Seated yoga. Seated yoga for the... The same chair every week. Interesting. Okay. But we need a chair actually for here.

Is this for nature-loving shut-ins? Sure. Why not? Isn't that what PBS is for? There used to be a workout... That's actually a good point. That's actually a great point. There used to be a workout... That's a really good point. There used to be a workout show on PBS called Fit, Feeling, and Tune that was all just

chair workouts. Does anybody remember this? Does anybody else get stoned? It's just a series of chair workouts for people who don't have the mobility to get out of a chair. It's a great idea. And you sit watching TV. And now you're doing that yoga style. Can I ask you

a question? Sure. Can you introduce me to Slim Goodbody? Does this take place in the same universe as Downton Abbey? What about Charlie Rose? No, no, we're specifically not affiliated with PBS. We're just aired on there. We can't put that on our website.

I mistakenly put the logo on and they didn't ask. But you're allowed to get hammered with Charlie Rose though, right? He's very flexible. Gwen Ifill's filling in next time. I would love to see that. On the new year we were released

on that and that was momentous. It seems like you didn't have permits for this. You just fucking gorilla shot an episode of your yoga show. Yes, that's where we started. Doing that in Milwaukee. Please seize this man. This has all been an elaborate sting to catch the permitless

yoga show guy. Sir, I don't mean to put you in the spot but you happen to be sitting in a chair right now. Maybe we can see some moves. Chair yoga, chair yoga, chair yoga. This will be great for our audio podcast. David is leaning over.

Yeah, we'll describe what's happening. Okay, so just, ladies and gentlemen, if you would. He's centering himself. Imagine a giant man in red pants and loafers. I guess, yeah, probably these people aren't giant at all. They're only giant relative

to how tiny the microphone stand is. It's like a forced perspective thing. Yeah, it's like how they always have to put Tom Cruise in a small doorway.

He's wearing red pants and a black and white American all over print American flag t-shirt with a v-neck. Now right now he's focusing on his breathing. He's very broad chested. He's doing some yogic

breathing, I imagine. You gotta warm the breath. This is oddly very fun to watch. I don't know why. I'm having a good time. It's like an ASMR video. A lot of people just say they like just watching the show and going along, but that's Vloma breath. That's what you start with.

Right. You do belly breathing. Okay, so I want you to do a headstand or something. Maybe I wasn't clear. Yeah, I don't want to watch you breathe, dude. Fucking do some flips. Look, right now I can literally watch a hundred people sit in a chair and breathe.

Okay, he's going to do it. He's going to do it. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, David, Emily Gordon, Jordan Morris, Brian Fernandez. Thanks to the Upright Citizens Brigade. We've been Jordan and Jesse Goh. Thank you for coming. This week's Jordan and Jesse Goh recorded live on stage at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Los Angeles,

where, believe it or not, Jordan found a Prank the Dean poster somewhere in the dressing room on the wall from, God, 2005? That's our old sketch group, if you're not keeping track. Anyway, it was really a blast. Thank you for listening. Our producer is Sonny D. Brian Fernandez. Our thanks to Colin Anderson and the whole staff of the UCB. And, of course, to

the gentleman who designed our poster, Charles Palk. Charles, thank you very much. Charles found our call for a poster on our Reddit. That's at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. You can also tweet about the show

with the hashtag JJGo and join us in the forum at forum.maximumfun.org. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design

and Light in the Attic Records. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.