Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 361: Summer Boys with Dr. Frank

Episode Date: January 26, 2015

Musician and author Dr. Frank (The Mr. T Experience, King Dork) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of nicknames, pirate subculture, and superfoods.  Plus, Dr. Frank plays a song!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, Jesse Goh, of course, the popular podcast with almost no content. I was thinking that we should have like an introduction to the show if a new listener checked in. I guess, yeah. And I guess we could have something like highfalutin or we could have something grand. But why not just be honest?

Like a fanfare? Yeah. Jordan does a go. The podcast where da-da-da-da. So, Jordan, I can't help but notice that you're holding some sort of prepared statement. Yeah. I just – I mean I know the nature of the show. It's free-flowing.

It's improvisational. Typically, I mean we come in here and we just – I mean I don't know if you read that post on the Reddit the other day. Yeah. But yeah, we just come in here. We just kick ideas around. We just have fun. We just go. We talk. We chat.

Yeah. I mean I kind of like to think of my podcasting style like Vince Vaughn's acting style. Right. You just go. You just open it up and see what happens. You just go. You do one for the script and then you just let Vince go off book. You just see where that crazy mind, that warped mind.

That wild, inventive, creative, comic genius. You just see where he goes. You can't tether that. That's how I feel about working with you. Oh, thank you. I'm Vince Vaughn to your guy who directed The Internship. Yeah, exactly. I think that was Google, Mr. Google.

Oh, yeah, John Google. Yeah, John Google. But yeah, I mean, this actually is a good segue because my prepared remarks are about film. Oh, are they? Yeah, I mean, you're a fan of film, Jesse. Oh, I love film. Film, are they? Yeah. I mean, you're a fan of film, Jesse. Oh, I love film. Film, cinema, the movies. Yeah.

Motion pictures. Yeah. To a certain extent, zoetropes. What about magic lantern shows? I have some. I have some. Hey, watch out. Here comes one of my signature rants.

Oh, boy. I've got. Hey, watch out. Here comes one of my signature rants. Oh, boy. I've got a beef with magic lantern shows. It looks to me like it's just translucent slides held up to a candle flame. You have to admit, that horse is running pretty fast, though. It is true. You can see all four legs leave the ground. Can I tell you a secret? Sure.

I did not stay that long because once that train started heading for me, I was out of there. You don't want to be around for that bloodbath. When that train kills that whole tent full of people. It's about cinema. It's about film. It's awards season here in

Hollywood. I think we can all feel it. It's palpable. Ty, what's his name from Modern Family? Ty Cobb. Billboards. He's on the billboards. Have you seen the SAG award billboards? It's Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Ty, what's his name from N, like, I don't know, Ugly Betty or something? Yeah. It's the most miscellaneous group of pretty famous people. Sure. Like, famous people. Like famous people, talented people. But how did they decide to not go with Clooney? Yeah, I know. That's a great question.

Okay. That's a great. Maybe pictures of Clooney are too expensive to license. It's awards season. It's awards season. And you've prepared some remarks. And I've been kind of going through all the awards movies. I want to be like beefed up, boned up for my office Oscar pool.

Oh, yeah, sure. And so, you know, and I watched the movie Foxcatcher the other day. Have you heard of this movie? This, if I'm not mistaken, this is a movie where Steve Carell plays an eccentric millionaire. Sure. Obsessed with wrestling. Yeah. And I think I, and I have just have, so I had some thoughts about the movie and I've

been, I've been thinking about it a lot and just kind of reading up on it and seeing what everyone thinks. And I think I just – I've had – because it's one of those movies that lingers with you. Like after it's done, you kind of – it's haunting. And I've been thinking a lot about it and kind of reading all the criticism. I think there's just something that had to be said that hasn't been. Do you mind if I introduce our guest, fresh air critic at large, Ken Tucker? Please do. He'll be listening thoughtfully.

So something has lingered with you. Okay. A Foxcatcher is the story of the troubled heir to the DuPont fortune. While it's striking, it could use more energy. Perhaps it should have been directed by a man about town. Like, for instance, the director of Twister. In other words, the story of John DuPont could have used a bon vivant like Jan de Bont. That's all I wanted to say.

That's the worst prepared statement. We just talked. Yeah. For maybe 15 minutes. Building up not even a pun. What? The sort of humor that is one level below a pun. It is simply a rhyme. Sure.

John, it is simply a rhyme. Sure. You wrote a paragraph of text to set up three pairs of words that rhyme. Yeah. Pretty good, right? Yeah, it was pretty good. Thank you. I got no complaints. You know, you might have inferred complaint from the tone of my voice, but I definitely enjoyed that.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Jan de Bont, who's a real Bon Vivant, should have directed the story of John DuPont. F-. I'll take it. You know what? Fair. You know what? Perfect attendance

record. Oh, okay. Most improved. Oh, let's bring our real guest in. Yes, I would love to. What a delight to have him here. Punk rock royalty. A literary celebrity. Someone say he's a member of the Glitterati.

I never heard that. What is involved in being a member of the Glitterati? What is involved in being a member of the Glitterati? It means someone mailed you one of those packages that explodes glitter into your face. Yeah, okay. All right. Yeah, that happened. Cool.

The Glitter Bomber? Yeah, yeah. That's the one. Have you seen that? This is something you can do on the internet now. You can just mail someone a package and glitter explodes in their face. That's horrible. I know. The guy discontinued his service because he got overloaded with

orders once that became famous, so he's out of business now. The glitter guy. His servers couldn't have handled it. Our guest on the program, the front man of the Mr. T experience among many other bands, he is the young adult author,

a celebrated young adult author. His name is Dr. Frank. That's me. Thanks for having me on. Is Dr. Frank your preferred? Yeah, I think of myself as Dr. Frank. People call me – my girlfriend calls me doctor. That's because you have stirrups in the bedroom.

I don't. Yes, but even if I didn't, she would still call me doctor. That's just how I've, for most of my life, thought of myself. My actual name, Frank Portman, which I started using when I started publishing books because – and this is exactly what my editorial people at my publishing company said when we were talking about whether it was going to be Frank Portman or Dr. Frank on the book cover, they said, we don't want someone looking at this book and thinking, what is this by some weird doctor? Yeah. You don't want to compete with Dr. Oz. So, I mean, that is, and I think they were right. But at the time, I'm not sure that, that didn't sound like it reflected a great deal of expertise.

But they know what they're doing, I guess. I mean it might have added to your success. I mean when you consider that most of your novels are about the healing power of acai berries. That is actually – you are thinking of Dr. Oz now, Jesse. Oh, really? Yeah. Totally different guy. I mean it was a thrilling novel. Sure.

Totally different guy. I mean it was a thrilling novel. Sure. I mean I think Frank's books are about the trials and tribulations of growing up, not superfoods. Really? Yeah. What? Frank, I appreciate you coming in today.

Can you tell me why are superfoods not part of your books? It seems like a missed opportunity. It's not part of your books. It seems like a missed opportunity. You know, I have to save some material for subsequent novels in the series. Oh. So the next one – so King Dork was the first one. King Dork approximately was the second. And King Dork Abroad that I'm working on now will be the third.

Maybe the fourth will be King Dork eating a lot of superfood. King Dork, comma, eating a lot of superfoods. Or like King Dork, colon, blueberries. Omega-3 fatty acids. Colon. Oh, sure. Yeah. That's maybe just a shorter way to get in there. Jordan, I want to point out that, as horrible as it was, was better than Jesus' prime three things.

It was. At least there was like an inherent, you know, there was a spark of vitality to it. There was a puzzle that was solved. I wrote mine down at lunch today. Oh, now, while we're on the topic of names and naming, I always think it's interesting, you know, because I I when I was in high school, I listened to your band a lot and kind of a lot of similar bands. And it's like it's interesting because those bands are still touring and guys who came up with their punk rock nicknames like, you know, in high school or college are still using them. Yeah. I think Jesse and I can kind of relate. We are saddled with two ridiculous nicknames that we came up with in college.

Yeah. I mean, literally. In fact, our old college friend, Creek, just emailed me a photograph of the cassette tape that I submitted to our college radio station 15 years ago for The Sound of Young America, the show that preceded this one and my current NPR show. And I was looking at it, and it said The Sound of Young America on it, and I thought, yeah, dumb name then, dumb name now.

And that's to say nothing of America's Radio Sweetheart. America's Radio Sweetheart really sounds nice in your weird voice, though. Oh, thank you. I really enjoyed that a lot. That is very kind of you. You know, recently, I don't want to derail this conversation. I want to get back to nicknames. But recently, Rene Russo told me that I'm a very good singer.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Thursday night. Oh. I happened to sing a few bars. Renee Russo said, she turned to me, and she said, you're a very good singer. Yeah. She's mistaken.

I think what she meant is you have an interesting voice, like Tom Waits. Oh, okay. Sounds lived in, you know? Yeah, I was actually like banging a woodblock against a children's slide at the time. Oh, there you go. So there you go. That's probably how she came to that conclusion. Frank, how did you come up with Dr. Frank?

How did it settle in? You know, it was from when I was a kid, actually. My siblings named me Dr. Frankenstein as a term of ridicule because I had objected to – Not as a term of endearment based on your impressive physical strength. No, I have the same name as my father. And so to distinguish me from him, they used to call me Frankie, which as a kid used to really irritate me. I didn't like it.

So I bitterly objected to it and said, oh, you don't like Frankie? How do you like Dr. Frankenstein? And I was like, yeah, well, I like it okay. And so I was – it got shortened and I was doctor very shortly after that. So does anyone do people call you doc? Sometimes they call me doc. Sometimes they say, what's up doc? If they want to, uh, add a little, uh, sexiness to it. Hey, what's up doc? Bet you never heard that one before. But I do think of it as like a name, not a title. So like the name doctor is a name.

But I've had different explanations for it when people have asked because they always ask. And one of the ones that I used to say is that I'm actually a dentist, which I thought was really hilarious. And sometimes I would elaborate on it and say, well, you know, I'm an alternative dentist, and I don't take money for my dentistry. I'll usually do it for beer, and I'll set up a chair on the stage at Gilman Street, and I'll give free checkups, dental checkups to punk rockers. And so I went around saying this for many years, including on a tour of Europe that we did. And a couple of years later, I started noticing I was getting messages from all these European people who had heard me say this, who were in visiting California and

were saying, hey, well, I want to have a checkup. When can I show up to get some dental work done, Dr. Frank? And so I had to put that explanation away because it was just causing too many weird Europeans to show up to my shows. Europeans are very literal. Can I ask you guys a question about punk rock dentistry? Sure. I think you're talking to the two right people. I had a friend in roughly middle school. Really, he was the son of a friend of my mother's. But we hung out a few times. He lived on a boat. And his father drove a sort of rickety pickup

truck and was really into the movie Blade Runner. These are the specifics that I remember outside of the one that I'm about to drop on you. One time we're driving and his father said to me, you know, John, it's not his real name, but I'm going to call the kid John. Sure, to protect him from cyberbullying. The kid just lived with his dad on the boat. I don't know what the deal was with him. He said, you know, John, he doesn't like to

brush his teeth. And I said, that's okay. As long as he goes like this. With his tongue and uses a toothpick. Yeah, that's irresponsible. Who would have guessed someone who lives

on a boat would have interesting hygiene ideas? Single dads on boats. Yeah, that's irresponsible. Okay. Yeah. Who would have guessed someone who lives on a boat would have interesting hygiene ideas? Single dads on boats. Yeah. No one more qualified to comment on hygiene. It's kind of punk rock though, right? It is pretty punk rock. I mean, it probably led to- I mean, that's better than washing your hair with soap or bar soap.

You know what I mean? Sure. Yeah, yeah. When it comes to punk rock hygiene practices. You could at least gargle with some old English. Yeah. That would be nice. soap you know what i mean sure yeah yeah when it comes to punk rock hygiene practices you get at least like gargle with some old english yeah that would be nice yeah there you go do you think do you think you have the best long-running punk rock nickname how do you think you stack up i think it's i mean i think it's in a grand tradition of the people adopting uh you know unearned titles. There's other doctors.

There's Dr. Dre. There's other – I think there's Captain Sensible. Basically, if you – this is America or England in Captain Sensible's case. And if you say you're a doctor, you pretty much actually are one. If you say you're a doctor, you pretty much actually are one. You know, I was just listening to a record earlier today by a soul singer named General Johnson, who was one of the lead singers of the chairman of the board. And I was just thinking, like, I'm perfectly happy with Jesse Thorne as my name. I think it's a nice, solid name. I like both names pretty well.

Sounds like it could be like a spy or something. Best case scenario. Worst case scenario, probably public radio host and podcaster. One of the two. Who's to say you can't be both? Yeah, exactly. I would start adopting a secret life if you hadn't already.

Well, I have a secret life. The only problem is it doesn't have anything to do with espionage. Jesse, have you seen a little movie called Mordecai? You know what? I have not caught it yet The only problem is it doesn't have anything to do with espionage. Jesse, have you seen a little movie called Mordecai? You know what? I have not caught it yet. It's the hilarious story of a mustache who leads a double life. I try and see anything Olivia Munn, but I haven't seen it yet. You're a real Munn head.

I'm a real Munn head, which is funny. I'm also a bun head. I love the TV show Bunn Heads. Which is funny. I'm also a bunhead. I love the TV show Bunheads. So, yeah, so I'm perfectly happy with the name Jesse Thorne. It's one of those names.

Sometimes people ask me if it's my real name or if it's a stage name, and I feel like that is my real name. So I feel like that's a pretty good sign that it's a solid real name. But I would jump at the chance to have my first name be General. General. Sure. What a winner. Frank, have you ever seen the movie or play A Thousand Clowns? I have not.

Okay. So it's a wonderful movie. And at one point, it's about a comedy writer and his nephew who's his adopted son. And his nephew who's his adopted son doesn't have a permanent name. And at one point they're discussing what his permanent name should be. And he points out that you can pick just about anything and put Captain before it to spruce

it up a little. He's like, yes, you can! Sure. It works perfectly! Every time! You know who I feel a little bit bad for in the world of punk rock nicknames? Who's that? Smelly. Oh. Can you tell me a little more about Smelly?

He's the drummer for No Effects. And he's easily the most dignified one in that band. He's maybe arguably the best musician. When they're not touring, he's in the Foreign Service. Sure, yeah. But he is smelly. No last name. Just smelly? Yeah.

Do the rest of the members of NoFX have comparably... Yeah, you got Fat Mike, who's not fat anymore. The celebrated frontman of the band. Sure. You got El Jefe. Yeah, El Jefe's not embarrassing at all. It's pretty good. That's the nickname I gave to my El Camino. Sure, it means the band. Sure. You got El Jefe. Yeah, El Jefe is not embarrassing at all. It's pretty good.

That's the nickname I gave to my El Camino. Sure, it means the boss. Yeah. Then you have Eric Melvin, which is not a, he's the one guy in the band without a weird name. What a dick. I know, right? His nickname should be Dick.

Yeah, I know. The dick that won't come up with a nickname after. Can you imagine what it's like to be smelly? Yeah. And just be like, come on, a nickname after. Can you imagine what it's like to be smelly? Yeah. And just be like, come on, Eric. I'm 40. I'm smelly. Well, you know, Paul Stanley, who invented his identity as the Star Child and his costume and everything at probably age of 18 or 19.

And he has had to live with it for the subsequent 50 years or whatever. The Star Child is the funniest. The Star Child who is the lover of the members of KISS. I think that was probably – he could have chosen more wisely because Ace Frehley, the spaceman, that is worn a lot better. Can I ask you a question? Please. This is a question for both of you guys about KISS because I'm not a look i'm not a rock and roll expert sure you understand

what i'm saying but uh you minored in rock and roll yeah sure well yeah but back back in my undergrad sure my phd majored in the classics my phd's in gamelan. So here's my question. Yeah. If you're a member of the Kiss Army, do you pick a guy from Kiss that you are or do you pick your own Kiss type guy to be? I can answer this question as it relates to juggalos. Okay. Thank you. With a juggalo, you don't – you're not being shaggy too dope or Violent J.

You pick your own makeup design. And then that's kind of copywritten. And I think it's a little bit being like a roller derby girl and that there's some sort of juggalo registry and your makeup is your thing until you were killed in a porta potty accident. you were killed in a port-a-potty accident. Each juggalo gets his or her star in the firmament, so to speak. But it can't be a star because that's already star child. Sure, yeah. Paul Stanley will come gunning for you.

I mean, it's roughly the same people, right? Maybe they're just 15 years younger. Well, I mean, I guess they both kind of revolve around detroit yeah maybe rocking hard sure uh ain't not giving a shit yeah uh i don't know do you know about that about kiss do you know i would i would i would have there was a time in my life uh when i would have considered myself a member of the kiss army for sure oh wow um And maybe I would again now. I don't know. But I didn't do that thing where I associate that with a different kind of fandom. Like I had a girlfriend way back when, actually at the same time, who was actually officially

the president of her subdivision of the Bay City Rollers fan club. Like she was specifically, you know, had the official designation. And they were divided along the lines that you say. Like she got to boss the street team around. Well, I think the street team hadn't yet been invented. Oh, wow. But these were – so in the – she was the Bay Area head of the less division, Les McEwen, however you say his name. So they had – it was four divisions of the fan club and she was the boss of the one. And it was because they were the fans of this particular guy.

They thought he was the cutest. They thought he was the best. But I just never noticed that level of devotion among any KISS fans to the individual guys. In fact, I think part of being a KISS fan is loving KISS but also kind of ridiculing everything about the members of KISS at the same time. They're absurd, man. Yeah. It seems to be – Absurdity to an art form. I'm impressed that your girlfriend was the regional president.

I mean if you just said to me, oh, she was head of the San Carlos Bay City Rollers. She had to work her way up. There was an established system. She had to poison the wine of various... Bay City Rollers, Mayor of Hayward.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But that she represented the entire Bay Area region is quite... Now, does that... Did that include San Jose or – I can't remember.

But a little bit of glamour rubbed off on me, I have to admit. And I – I'm sorry that we even put you in a position where you had to admit that. But I appreciate you being so forthcoming. But I like the Bay City Rollers too. I mean more than I did then. I was, you know, I was a little bit above it then. Jesse and I came to that realization about Hanson recently.

Maybe we were shitheads about Hanson growing up, but actually Hanson's pretty good. Hanson's pretty good. Nothing wrong with Hanson. Sure. And you know what? I had a couple years ago, maybe what happened is, someone told me that Hanson were actually good. And I was like, is that true? And then I sort of

thought back. This is three years ago, four years ago. I'm 29 years old or something. And I thought back and I thought, yeah, you know what? You've been replaying that song in memory. That's a pretty fun song. That song's a great song. I've never heard one other thing of theirs.

You can go pretty deep into the Hanson catalog and find a lot of bangers. There are some legit bangers deep in the Hanson catalog. I got the new Hanson album circa four years ago. Requested a press copy. I got it. It was sort of like

a Motown-y, a little Jackson 5-y. It was really fun. Had a great single on Jackson 5-y. And it was really fun. Had a great single on it. I was like, this is really fun. So then I'm like, okay, maybe I've got Hanson wrong. Andrew WK told me that he went to Hanson's secret songwriting fantasy camp where Hanson invites like miscellaneous, like Andrew WK went and who else was there?

Weird Al was there. But also like, I don't know, Ted Leo or something. The Bismarck keys of the world. They all hang out together and write songs together and record them. So it's like they make bands of these minor music celebrities where there's four bands, one for each member of Hanson. How many Hansons are there? I think there's three Hansons. So they make three bands and then they get together and they record a song every day.

They write and record a song every day. And Andrew WK was telling me about how great the Hanson brothers were. So I invited them on my radio show and interviewed them. They literally could not be more pleasant, charming, entertaining people. No wonder they were so successful as teenagers. They're a delight. They're fucking delightful human

beings. For work recently, I was looking at a gallery of bad music tattoos, and there was a Hanson back tattoo that has burned into my mind. Because what happened is that someone got the Hansen back tattoo. And unfortunately, you're back. Yeah.

That's the one I'm talking about. Yeah. I had it as a brand, not as a traditional tattoo, is that the guy who had gotten this tattoo had gotten fatter since he had gotten it. So Hansen's faces all have stretched into these football-shaped ovals. And also the pupils in their eyes seem to have stretched more, so there are these oval-headed, black-eyed monsters. It was a dude? Yes.

I don't remember. I feel like Hanson's... Oh, you know, I think. I guess I'm thinking of the photo, and I guess I can't see any sex characteristics. It looked like a dude's back. But they don't look like that now or since you saw them? They look like black-eyed demons now, right?

Yeah, they basically look like sort of oblong. Actually, do you think it was a brand new – A picture of Dorian Gray or is it – Right, yes, exactly, yeah. Yeah, the tattoo of Dorian Gray. Like what you would see in the mirror if you're being haunted by the grudge. Which I am. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Hello, buddies. I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Andy Bolt. And we're the hosts of Bunker Buddies. We're a podcast where we're amateur survivalists and we talk about things like the apocalypse. And we talk about zombies and preparedness. What are you going to wear when it's the apocalypse? And you have no idea if you don't listen to our show.

It comes out every Wednesdays on MaximumFun.org and on iTunes. Sometimes we try weird foods or we talk about where to camp or how to avoid getting eaten or any of these things. Yeah, so listen to us because it might just save your life. We'll see you in the bunker. Bye. Bye. Bye. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Frank, usually part of the show is the guest coming up with a nickname. Oh, is that right? You're set. Sometimes I will say the famous Dr. Frank. You can go with that.

The famous Dr. Frank. Has there ever been a nickname that you've wished was your nickname? When you've been regretting that you chose Dr. Frank? I don't think I've ever regretted it, although I do like experimenting with the idea of the other. A lot of the military ones are pretty good. Like, he's a general. He's great. Brigadier.

Brigadier Frank. Sure. Rear Admiral. Any of those. Poop deck Frank. They add some – as you say, they add some dignity and weight to an otherwise weightless entity. Do you want to be smelly? No, I would probably not vote for smelly.

OK. I mean I think that's funny. You smell really nice. Yeah, you do smell great. It would be like an ironic nick. It would be like calling a fat guy slim or something. Yeah, exactly. Thanks.

I try to smell as inoffensive as I can. Well, congratulations. All right. You are a success. Did it. Go tell your therapist that you've wrapped this thing up. Do you think we can get smelly on the show? I mean, what's Smelly up to?

He rolls through town. Sure. Sure. Sure, Fat Mike has stuff to do. He's got to go hang out with Fat Joe. Yeah, sure. Oh, man. Make that album.

Make it. I'm in. Fat's domino? Is he still alive I think he might still be alive didn't he get caught in Katrina

I think he did I feel like he was on a roof in Katrina yeah Fats Domino something I met my new hero and I just wanted

to share that with you guys I met a person so magical that I told my wife I was thinking about leaving her for him. I was at Burbank. This is big. This is a big tonal shift in the show, Jesse.

Just so you know, Frank, I've been with my wife now for – we've been together for about 16 years. And we've been married for a myriad of that. And I love her a lot. Actually, you didn't say a number. You just said myrrh. When? 16 years. We've been together for 16 years. When you said how many years you've been married,

I guess I was listening for a number, but I just heard myrrh. I guess maybe my headphones are... It must have been your headphones. It's probably just my headphones. We've been together for 16 years. we got married about 10 years ago. There it is. Yeah. Our anniversary is in the summer.

Mm-hmm. So, yeah. So I was at Burbank Bob Hope Airport. It's a lovely regional airport here in Southern California. I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure, Frank. I have, but long ago before it was Bob Hope, I didn't realize it was the same place until today when I said, Bob Hope, what's that? And then it was explained to me and it all made sense. I'm not trying to brag, but Cold War kids were there with me.

Hey. I mean, we weren't technically there together. Sure. The Cold War kids were there with me. Hey. I mean, we weren't technically there together. Sure. But I noticed they were the Cold War kids because they looked like they were in a band, and then I read the piece of tape on their piece of equipment.

So, yeah, I was at Burbank Bob Hope Airport, had my whole family with me. It's quite the production. Sure. Two car seats, four bags. I got one of those roller carts that that cost five dollars now I think like but I mean best case scenario you're going through Bob

that's a pretty low stress airport oh that's a chill fucking airport that is a great it is like it is like they

had a board meeting at Bob Hope Airport and they're just like you know what fucking everybody's in TSA pre now sure you know what I mean it's like

let's just chill is this an airport or Jimmy Buffett's bungalow? I'm so chill. Yeah, man. Just throw up a few fucking, I don't know, Amelia Earhart whatevers and let's have a drink. Sure. So I was at...

Take your shoes off or don't. I was at Bob Hope Airport. It's quite the production. The baby's in the ergo carrier on my wife. The toddler's walking with his little backpack on. We're flying Southwest Airlines. I don't know if you

guys know this, but this airline is hilarious. Do they hire flight attendants or stand-up comedians? It is fun. It is really fun, Frank. I don't know if you fly a lot. No, I do. And yeah, you're right. There are a deck of cards up there.

And you know what? All jokers. 52 jokers. 52 jokers. Oh, Southwest paid me back for that suit I bought, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah. Great work.

Great work. So I'm at the ticket counter. And the man at the ticket counter looks almost too square to be a work for Southwest. He's maybe 40 ish. He has a goatee or a properly a Van Dyke. He is he looks like he should he looks like he should manage an Avis outlet is how I could best describe him. To such an extent that he almost – he looks weird in the southwest like purple shorts and whatever it is. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, that's the like hot dog on a stick uniform of the air. Yeah, they really – they wear those – Super embarrassing. They wear shorts, purple and khaki shorts. And I'm looking at this guy and I'm thinking this is the squarest man I've literally – white guy. As I said, 40-ish. Because I would say I would usually characterize the demographic of Southwest Employee as the world's funnest aunt. Yes, exactly.

That's exactly who they're looking to hire. Like a fun, maybe single aunt. Bottle blonde. Sure. You know, she was lighter in her earlier days, but it's because she likes to live life. Sure. You know what I mean? Margarita Monday and Tuesday.

Yeah. Margarita Monday and Tuesday. Yeah. Margarita Monday through Friday. She'll have a margarita on any day. That ends in Y. Chocolatinis on the weekend. A real – it attracts a class of employees that I would describe as a real sketcher's shape-ups. Class of employees. Yeah.

Because they all have such firm buttocks. Yeah, exactly. And our Joe Montana. So this guy, he was sort of tall, slim, white guy, sort of, you know, super cuts haircut, goatee. And I'm thinking, what is this guy? He's the squarest man I've ever met. And then he opened his mouth to speak to us.

And he spoke to us in a voice that's difficult to capture with words. I can only describe it as a slightly less Puerto Rican. Rosie Perez and do the right thing. Okay. Literally, he went from a character in Office Space to saying, um, does your baby have a ticket? Does your baby have a ticket?

Or, um, yes. Like, maybe you would say a 40-year-old African-American woman, but specifically circa 1992. Not a contemporary. It was the most amazing shit I've ever seen with my own eyes. I literally wanted to jump over the counter to hug him. I loved him so much. He was so sweet to us. So nice to us.

I wanted to fucking give him a double high five right there and kiss him on the lips and marry him. My new hero. Did you get his name? No, of course not. Would they have tags? You could have, you know, noted it. I should have noted it. I should have wrote a letter to Bob Hope himself.

Yeah. And told him, one man at the Bob Hope Burbank Airport is doing you proud. Everyone else is basically tap dancing on your grave. Does the baby have a ticket or is that a lap infant? I actually have a story too about the perfect thing said with the perfect accent yes um I know you're skeptical that anything can beat that and if this was a couple weeks ago I would have said it's true can I clarify something about this voice please I want to be really clear about this I'm not doing gay voice and it indeed wasn't a stereotypical gay voice of the era or even an urban gay voice of the era. It was a 40-year-old woman's voice of the era. So I just want to make that abundantly clear.

Or Rosie Perez but less Puerto Rican. Sure. When I was coming back from Baltimore, I had an Uber driver, a very, very sweet guy who – Quit bragging, but go ahead. I know. Sorry, guys. I take Uber. No walking for this guy. Sorry. It's nothing but sidecar for me.

I use a smartphone to call a car. I've got a Moto Razr, so I'm not sweating either. And this man's – I don't know where this guy was from, but his name was Deeb. I don't know if that's a regional name, if maybe someone could help me out here. Austrian name. But it was pretty chilly in Baltimore, and I was about to get on a plane, so I was just wearing a t-shirt. And so he's kind of looking

back at me like while we're driving and he keeps looking back and like I can tell he's like he's confused. Sure. And he says in your t-shirt you look like a summer boy. Yeah.

A summer boy. A summer boy. You've got a new nickname jordan i might have yeah i i mean deep just gave it to you i think it's up i think it might have been an invitation to some sort of gay subculture summer boys that sounds great yeah that sounds like a blast yeah yeah get out there to the russian river Join the summer boys. Sure. At the Russian River. Do some huffing. Yeah.

I think summer boys huff, right? I mean, I should hope so. Yeah, I mean, they're not going to, they're not going to, I'll put too fine a point on this, but they're not going to fuck sober. No, no, of course not. It's going to be a blast. Get up to the Russian River with the summer boys. Do a little huffing. Frank, you're kind of, speaking of travel, you're kind of like mid-book tour here now, right?

Yeah, I'm in the midst of a book tour. My book came out just a few weeks ago. How has it been going a lot of weird places? Well, you know, I haven't gone to a lot of weird places yet. I'm going to – I'm en route to Tennessee though, Memphis and Nashville. That seems like a kind of a weird place to do a book tour. What are you going to do there? A game of horseshoes?

Remember that from before? No. I don't know. I think one time on the show I said that. It's from the song Tennessee by Arrested Development. Oh, okay. What I say is a game of horseshoes. And then you say, a game of horseshoes.

You say, a game of horseshoes. You go to these major places where all the – Seattle, Portland, New York, here. And Tennessee is a new one for me. I like Nashville in concept. I've played there before but I've never done a book thing there. So I don't know. You never know. But one thing is that the Barnes and Nobles of the world are all very similar. So you get the basic idea of the Barnes & Noble experience right here in L.A.

And it's just like everywhere else in Tennessee or what have you. You can still get the same impulse buy chocolate-covered graham cracker at the cash register. Yeah. They are absolutely – which predictability is nice. But in some of those Barnes & Nobles down south, that graham cracker has a vinegar sauce. Or a dry rub. Exactly. Yeah.

That's a level of – I'll have to explore that. I don't know. But it's a – they blurred – I've been on tour in various contexts for decades with the band, et cetera. And they do tend to blur together and you forget what is what. They do tend to blur together and you forget what is what. And I played at a club, the Redwood Bar last night. You know that place? Yeah, this is downtown, right?

Yeah. It was described to me as a pirate bar. Yeah. And I thought that there was some information that was being conveyed by that that was more than just the fact that it had pirate decor. Sure. Are you a pirate or are you a summer boy? I don't know. Pirate seeks summer boy. Must be 420 friendly and shaved.

But I mentioned this to a friend of mine that was described as a pirate bar and she's from Florida. I can't remember where, like Orlando area. And she said, oh yeah, we have those. But what she was talking about is there's a subculture of pirate dressing up people, like a kind of a goth, seam punk pirate. I walked into one of these the last time I was in Portland. I was going to a bar that the pirate people were having their meetup at.

And I know that's less surprising that it's happening in Portland than it is in Florida. But still, I can confirm it's a thing that I've seen. It's a real thing. See, I thought – I wasn't sure whether she was pulling my leg. But I would like to see that and I was disappointed when I went to the – after I learned that it was an actual pirate bar. I thought I'd see some pirate guys there. But there weren't any pirate guys. I thought I'd see some pirate guys there, but there weren't any pirate guys.

But anyway, basically – so I did that show and it's part of a book tour, but it's kind of like any other show I did. It's all an amalgam of marginally successful shows that I do every now and again for the last three decades. When you do a music show that's attached to the book tour, is it always an all-ages show because you wrote a young adult book? It is not. It is whatever you – I mean my parameters are play wherever they'll let me play. And that narrows things down quite a bit in many cases. The all ages as an ideological requirement for every show you do, that was definitely part of my life at the height of my punk rock years. And the idea was, well, if it's not all ages, no one will go. I don't know how true that was then. But at this point, I think you – I feel like any noise I make, any place they let me make is probably going to help more than hurt.

Are young people allowed to read your books? Yes. It's a free country. Yeah, Jesse. What is this, communist Russia? I don't think young people should read. Oh. Give some ideas?

You know what? I was at Al Madrigal's house recently, the man of a thousand voices. And I met a man, and I was chatting with this man. I don't remember what this guy's name was. It's probably for the best, because I'm about to say something.

Here it comes. The wind-up and the pitch. I'm talking to this gentleman, and I'm actually also talking to our friend Mark Maron, recent guest on this program. And this guy that I'm talking to this gentleman, and I'm actually also talking to our friend Mark Maron, recent guest on this program. And this guy that I'm talking to, he's some kind of, I think he's an artist or an art dealer of some kind. We started talking about wristwatches initially. Comes out along the way that this man is opposed to parks.

That's a stance. He's opposed to to parks. That's a stance. He's opposed to public parks. He says it's a waste of space. It's a waste of space, yeah. That could be used for a cheesecake factory. I don't know what he wants to put in there instead of a park. I couldn't. I couldn't.

And it was sincere. It did not seem. You don't think it was a, you know, the Johnny Depp was a Lone Ranger movie was pretty good kind of I'm just being, you know, I'm just being contrarian to make conversation at this party. It seemed to be a sincerely held belief. He did not seem to take pleasure in stating that he was opposed to parks. Yeah. It was just a simple fact that he did not believe in parks but he also didn't seem to understand that that was what a crazy person would say like a madman uh like he was telling me about how he doesn't like parks and i literally

had to say hold on a second can i ask you a clarification question that's one of those things are you against parks that's one of those things were like i he literally said to me jordan i couldn't disagree with that more but it would be one thing is i wouldn't want to yell at the guy because i want to hear all about it he said to me i don't want to chase this off this magical creature. He said to me, I mean, who wants parks? I said. Most.

Most. 99% of people. People that are looking for a place to relax. Yeah. People with children that want a place to play. People. I'm like listing people that want to look at birds. People that like to take strolls.

Having a barbecue. Having a hike. People looking for a gathering place where they don't have to buy anything. Alright, you've convinced me. Frank, you were anti-Park going into this, right? That is a cogent argument and I'm going to

line up with you on this one now. Thank you, Frank. Well done. Well, we should explain now the reason why we brought you on this program. It's an intervention. Your girlfriend mentioned to us that she had heard that you were opposed to parks and asked if there was anything that we

could do about it. She had heard through the grapevine that I am known for my ability to convince people that parks are worthwhile. I did it at Al Madrigal's holiday party, and I'll do it again. In fact, I have done it

again with you. I'll probably do it again with Stinky. Smelly, yeah. Wonder what Smelly's opinion on parks is. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to go and talk to the members of Rancid, see if any of them are opposed to parks. Chat with them about it. Any punk rock legend from the Bay Area as I am, I will convince that parks are worthwhile.

That's my promise to you, Jordan, and to you, Dr. Frank. Can I back up a little bit towards this pirate subculture? Yes. Please do. Here was something I noticed about it when I ran into it in Portland. And again, I don't know if it's representative. I know Portland is its own little bubble and maybe not the best place to take a sample from. Sure.

But here's what I observed. Are they always eating seitan? Usually when you run into a rowdy, costumed, nerd-based subculture. It's overwhelmingly male. Yeah. This was pretty 50-50, and I was impressed. Really? I would have expected that

to be a male-dominated subculture. As would I. As would I, yeah. I don't understand it, but... Are the women wenches? Yeah, they were dressed wench-like. I mean, I guess you could be a... It's hard to say, because I don't know what the traditional wench – I don't know what separates a wench from a pirate.

Lady pirate. Yeah. Because there were lady pirates. Sure. I once interviewed a man who wrote a book about pirates, and lady pirates were a thing. They were uncommon, but they were treated equally. Right. So, yeah.

So I don't want to – Yeah. Well, I bet they were very beautiful. That's why they became pirates. What with their bustiers and all. Yeah. And toothbrushing not having been invented. And what with them on boats where they have to drink alcoholic beverages all the time because the water goes bad.

Yeah. I mean, and usually I'm kind of against this form of boobery. But, I mean, if it's a viable place to get laid, I can't say too much about it. Can I ask you a question? Please. Jordan, about these folks in Portland at the pirate meetup. This was not at a pirate bar, by the way. This was at a space bar.

The bar was space themed. I don't know if – Were they like – were they doing a bit like when you hear about Star Trek people at the Renaissance? I know. They're like, what? You just beamed down to this Renaissance fair. We sailed into the Bermuda Triangle and now look where we are. I don't think so.

Okay. Hard to tell. I was afraid of them. Were they Johnny Depp-style pirates? Wait for me to finish. Theme park-style pirates or, like, gritty pirates? If they – by Johnny Depp pirate, do you mean that they have really impressive early careers but are now an embarrassment? Yeah.

I mean I mean were they in Benny and June at all? I would say that they are more theme park pirates. Okay. Yeah. So like a like more like a fun costume store pirate. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, sure.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you that my friend who was telling me about them, I mean the funniest part about it was she was acting like it was a completely normal thing. You know those pirates. They're everywhere. Those hipster pirates. I can't. I hate those places. So it's a thing that intrudes on her life and is annoying to her. You know, there's those drivers who won't turn right on red.

You know, you always go to the supermarket and get the one squeaky wheeled choppy cart and then pirate hipsters. But I got the impression it was a hipster, like a steampunk kind of hipster, like, you know, like Gorians or like a sort of a lifestyle choice that you make to be a pirate. Like those people that have all Art Deco houses and they only wear 40s clothes. Yeah. And maybe they're the same people on different days. I don't know.

I mean, well, you're from San Francisco. It's the city of costumes. I mean, any excuse, people will wear costumes. But I never saw the pirate thing. So we haven't caught up to Portland or Florida, I guess. Frank, I say the next time you go to the San Francisco Symphony's legendary black and white ball, pirate it up. You know, it's a long story why I went to the ballet. But I did go to the San Francisco Francisco ballet with my girlfriend some ways back.

And there was someone in a unicorn costume at the ballet. So that's San Francisco. Unicorn at the ballet. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. The famous Dr. Frank.

Hey, guess what? Sponsor on this week's program, Jordan, Jesse, go. Supported in part by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of spoken audio information and entertainment. Audible's offering JJ Go listeners a free audio book and a free 30-day trial membership. Go to audiblepodcast.com slash JJ Go. That's audiblepodcast.com slash JJ Go. Get a free audio book of your choice now at audiblepodcast.com slash JJ Go. Can I make a suggestion?

I'd love to hear your suggestion. Check out one of those King Dork books I've heard so much about. I was going to make that suggestion as well. King Dork and King Dork Approximately, they're on that, and they're read by this guy, Lincoln Hoppa, who's a pretty good voice actor and a lot of people like it. I find I can't listen to it myself. It's too weird to listen to someone else reading my own book. But I hear it by others who've listened to it.

It's top-notch stuff. So check it out. I also want to mention, not a sponsor on this week's program, but just in case they want to get into it, whatever in the future, we could be sponsored by rapper E-40's Slurricane Hurricane. It's the ready-to-drink cocktail beverage by E-40, a premixed version of the sweet cocktail known as a hurricane popular in New Orleans. And also Earl Stevens wines, his line of fine wines. So E40, if you're out there listening in Vallejo, do get on the horn. Give us a call. Email Teresa at MaximumFun.org and you can sponsor this week's program.

That's Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron E40, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. You can share your personal or professional announcement on our airwaves for a very affordable rate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, raconteur, bon vivant, Jan... Jan DuPont? The guy who directed Twister? And, of course, John DuPont. Dr. Frank.

Famous murderer. I... Oh, spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. Sorry. Jordan, spoiler alert. Now people don't have to go see Selma. Okay.

Here's – we usually – momentous occasions is just things people have called into us. But I saw something taking a walk this morning that I thought was so beautiful. I was really deeply touched by it. And I took a picture of it. And it's sort of like on our sister podcast, Stop Podcasting Yourself. They have overheards and overseens. This is sort of like a momentous occasion, a thing that I saw. It's a sign, an 8.5 by 11 photocopied sign that is duct or electrical taped to a tree.

That's a great way to affix something to something else. Well, certainly if it's something difficult to affix something to, such as tree bark, you're going to want to use – I mean, it looks like it might be electrical tape, like thick electrical tape. And it's not around the tree. It's on the corners anyway. It's a sign. It says in really big letters, lost keys. And I want to be clear.

Like, this isn't a funny sign. It just touched me. Sure. It's beautiful.. This isn't a funny sign. It just touched me. Sure. It's beautiful. So don't expect a big laugh. Yeah. Lost Keys, please help. We need a win this new year.

Reward, please call or text the phone number and keep an eye on your loose pockets. Oh, wow. We need a win this New Year. 2014 was rough. 2014 blew. But if somebody brings me back those fucking keys. It's an omen. 2015 is going to be amazing.

Oh, I hate going to that hardware store. Having a new key made. It's possible that they had a key chain that had some microfilm on it. Could be. With some sort of uranium-type plans. You know, talking about uranium-type plans. Oh, yeah. For bombs or nuclear powers.

You don't have to tell me. I've seen Mordecai. Sure. I don't know if that's what Mordecai is about. Please help. We need a win this new year. Jeez. We need a win this new year.

If anybody finds the keys, the number is 323-379-4734. Give them a call. If you're in the Mount Washington, Highland Park, Glassville Park, Monterey Park area. There's no description of the keys, right? No, no description of the keys at all. It's just

it may be that they're burglars. Oh, we need a win this year. We need a house to rob. Yeah, like we need one last score. Sure. One last big score. Before we get out of the game.

Yeah. It could be expensive to lose your keys these days. Oh, sure, totally. You know, because you've got to get that, you've got to get a new car fob, maybe.

It could cost you upwards of $100, $200. Sure. Certainly so. I mean, I know, I know. You don't have to tell me. I just had to get a new radiator tank100, $200. Sure. Certainly so. I mean, I know. You don't have to tell me. I just had to get a new radiator tank. Oh, boy.

Yeah. Luckily, Eddie helped me out at Eddie's Auto. Eddie, if you want to sponsor Jordan, yes, you can go. Email. Does Eddie have a line of malt beverages? Yeah. No, Eddie has fine wines. Oh, wow. Okay. fine wines. Oh, wow.

Okay. Fine wines. Hey, I do want to mention one thing. Please. The Brian and Lindsay will totally eat that fucking Kickstarter is going gangbusters. Hey. We've got right now like about 150 people have already backed it. We are about 40% of the way to our big $10,000 challenge grant.

But if you missed last week's program or what have you, Brian Fernandez, Sonny D, our producer, and another Max Fine employee, Lindsay Pavlis, are the stars of a We Will Eat Anything You Throw at Us internet television show called Brian and Lindsay Will Totally Eat That. We've got a pilot up on the Kickstarter page as well as a little Kickstarter video. You can get lots of cool stuff. There's a chip clip with teeth, like human-looking teeth. It's terrifying. Sure. Get away from my chips. Yeah, exactly.

Those are mine. Yeah, you said it. You said it, Jordan. Get away from my chips. They have South African dust on them. Oh, God, those are good chips. Those fucking chips, man. Those fucking chips.

Can we get that to sponsor us? Those fucking South Africa chips? Yeah, nothing else at Trader Joe them. Oh, God. Those are good chips. Those fucking chips, man. Can we get that to sponsor us? Those fucking South Africa chips? Yeah, nothing else but Trader Joe's. Oh, my God. Have you ever eaten those Trader Joe's South Africa chips? Oh, my God. What makes them so special? It's hard to describe because I've been talking about these chips to a lot of people, and they're like, why are they so great?

I don't know. They have a dust on them. It's apparently from South Africa, which has a shoddy reputation for human rights. The last time something this amazing came out of South Africa, he turned out to be a murderer. So we'll have to see. Are you talking about Dave Matthews? The Oscar-passed story of Chips. Seemed like an inspirational story at first.

This interests me very much, the chips thing. My hope is that they're the Ladysmith Black Mambazo chips, which is to say they're always great no matter what members are in them. You can put them in any awards show and they'll fit right in. The thing that makes it great is the flavor and the dust. Is that what you're saying? It's like a more interesting barbecue chip. Yeah. It's like the base.

You start with barbecue chip and then you add an exotic whirlwind of flavors. Yeah. Just add some thyme or something. I don't know. T-H-Y-M-E. Indeed. Rosemary. But I think they are aged.

They have been aged. They have been aged. They're cave aged. Cave aged. You bury them in volcanic ash. And they're actually stonewashed as well, which I think is nice. Give them that lifted look. Anyway, this is what I promise. If we can make this $10,000 challenge, not only will we get $10,000 from Hover, who have said that they will match the first $10,000 if we get to $10,000.

But I promise that that $10,000 moment will not only kick us up to $20,000. It will also be the moment that I, as executive producer of the show, commit to making Brian and Lindsay eat bugs. We happen to be here in a Oaxacan neighborhood. Oaxacans love to eat chapulines, which are crickets, fried crickets. I will make them eat fried crickets. They probably taste good. Probably. I bet they do taste good.

Right? Don't you think they probably taste good? My dad has eaten some bugs. I bet you would like the feeling the shape of the bug in your mouth would be unpleasant. But I bet if you just crunch right down on those, they're probably pretty good. Yeah, I think it's pretty crunchy. Yeah. That's what my father's – my father ate bugs in Laos where he used to work. And he's just – as a matter of politeness, you eat what somebody serves you.

He ate a fair volume of bugs. He said, yeah, they're fine. Okay. He ate a fair volume of bugs. He said, yeah, they're fine. Okay. He ate some bugs. But we'll have to see because Brian and Lindsay, they have complicated systems of ratings. You've got to talk about eatability, repeatability. You've got to talk about fun factor. These are all things that we're going to find out about crickets if we can get to $10,000

and get that $10,000 hover grant. Brian is really upset right now. Brian is literally hiding his face in his hands because he's going to have to eat crickets. But that's the reality of the situation. I'll have him eat something nice as well. Maybe some of those salted caramels that people – I mean salted licorices that people keep sending us from Scandinavia. Oh, yeah. Those aren't actually nice.

Those are disgusting. I don't like those. Those are sickening. Yeah. If something momentous happens to you, like you make your $10,000 grant, look, the minimum donation to this thing is a dollar. So just put in a dollar. This is Max Fun's attempt to prove that we can make videos.

Go watch the pilot. If you think it's fun, put in a dollar. You'll get 10 more. And one of them will be about crickets. If something momentous happens to you, you can call us at 206-984-4FUN for our beloved signature segment. What's it called again, Jordan? I don't know. Crickets?

Cricket eating? Yeah. Oh, momentous occasions. Momentous occasions. Search for Brian and Lindsay will totally eat that on Kickstarter or on YouTube or click the link on MaximumFun.org. Here's our first momentous occasion. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Ben from Minneapolis calling in with a moment of shame,

pretty much the biggest one in my entire life. It was late in the evening, and I was watching some porn, as you might do in the evening, and came across a video that had the first love of my life in it. And yeah, included the guy choking her and slapping her in the face. So pretty big moment of shame. Thought I kind of had to share it because it's such a nightmare.

Thanks. Love the show. Bye. Wow. You really just had, you just fucking ran up against your own culpability in this situation. I disagree. I think that's – I mean, you know, I think if – you know, I don't – the world of pornography I don't think is necessarily an unpleasant place to be. No, I think there are a variety of experiences.

Sure. I think. variety of experiences. Sure. I think. I think if you're our building mate, Nina Hartley, pornography legend

Nina Hartley, you probably enjoy your work, you do well, you make your own films that people probably enjoy being in, and so on and so forth.

Yeah. So let's not assume We should explain. The love of this guy's life is pornography legend Nina Hartley. He has never met her. He just considers her the love of this guy's life is pornography legend Nina Hart. He has never met her. He just considers her the love of his life. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean if you are enjoying the movie and if you have no reason to believe that, you know, there was exploitation going on, I think everybody wins in this situation, right? The tone of his voice suggests he may have had reason to believe that there was exploitation going on. OK. What do you think about that? Oh, it's hard. I mean I guess I don't want to like just, you know, subscribe shame to pornography. Frank, you live in the Bay Area. You've probably done some porn.

I think it was a sweet story. Yeah. It was. It was very nice. The triumph of the human spirit. Yeah. I think – Like a sweet story. Yeah. It was. It was very nice. The triumph of the human spirit. Yeah. I think – Like Marley and me.

This is what I gathered from it. Sure. I gathered that what he was ashamed of was not that he had once been in love with someone who was now in the pornography industry. Not that he was by proxy connected to the pornography industry, but rather that this love affair that he had, the first great love of his life, drove someone into hardcore porn. Oh.

Like that he was the source of it. Sure. And I think there's information that he's leaving out. Do you think that maybe what he's feeling guilty about wasn't that he feels a lot of different ways about the pornography industry or if he feels weird about masturbation? It's just that he's such a potent lover that people are driven to extreme sexual practices because they're chasing his dragon. Yeah, and also he told her to drop out of dentist school. So those two reasons. He said, I'll always take care of you.

You don't have to go to dentist school. Sure. That's a difficult situation. That's like an Imagine My Surprise story. Is that a new category? Momentous occasion. Imagine my surprise. I was so surprised my monocle fell from my eye. It has kind of an upper crusty vibe to it.

Imagine my surprise when I saw the on-camera rogering. I don't know. I'm saying let's not assume that this is shameful or a reason to be guilty. Yeah. All I'm saying is I don't think it is shameful or a reason to be guilty from the information that we have. Sure. However, I am presuming that there are parts of this story that this man is leaving out, which are implied shame.

Okay. That's right. I mean, yeah, I guess you don't want to go into too much. You don't want to get into too much detail as to the specific type of pornography you're watching. This girlfriend's name? Jean Gomeshi, for example. Sure.

I think, yeah. I think this guy, it's not, I don't think it's about pornography exclusively. I think there's a dark secret in this guy's past. I think this guy might be the Oscar Pistorius. Oh, boy. So you think this guy is covered in a flavorful dust? Yes, exactly.

No doubt. Well, now that you've seen that video, sure. Is that what you think happens when you ejaculate? I have never ejaculated, but I always assumed it was, well, because you know when you see people's hands and their fingers and they're sort of orange and it's like Cheetos, right? No, that means they've been eating – no.

That's because they've ejaculated. That's Cheetos. No, I'm pretty sure they've ejaculated. No. It's called Flamin' Hot Cheetos, right? Jesse, here's a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves and the Mr. T Experience album, Our Bodies, Ourselves. They don't really have that much to do with each other, but. Okay.

Did I get that right in 1994, Our Bodies, Ourselves? That would have been 93. Come on. I was close. I was close. Yeah. Oh, good. Well done.

Come on. Sixth grade, not seventh grade. Pretty close. Okay. Next call, please. Hi, Jordan, good. Well done. Come on, sixth grade, not seventh grade. Pretty close. Okay. Next call, please. Hi, Jordan, Jessica. So I was just, this is a momentous occasion. I was just sitting around my house when suddenly the entire house shook and there was a giant crash.

I got up and looked out the window and it appears a tow truck took a corner too fast and threw an unstrapped car off the truck and inside of my house. So, you know, not something that happens every day. Anyway, have a good one. Bye. When this story started, before we got to the garbage truck crash, I just assumed it was another masturbation

story. All I could think was Godzilla. So yeah, for me, also, masturbation story. Yeah. Is that what you enjoy? Yeah. Do you like it when it's Godzilla solo, or do you like it when he's fighting Mothra? G on M?

As long as it's in Japanese, not the dubbed bullshit or the crappy Lizardman remix. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I don't need – that slithery shit doesn't get me hard. Sure. If you want an erection out of me, it's got to be stout. Sure. You know what I mean?

And no CGI. CGI is a real boner killer for me. It's got to be – You like practical effects. Practical effects. And I'm. You should see the little. The Cheeto dust is blowing right out of me.

You should see the little scene 70s Godzilla movie. Godzilla versus the summer boy. Oh, God. Summer boys. Let's go to Russian River. I like that. I'm known as the troubadour of the summer boy generation. If you have a momentous occasion for us, call us at 206-984-4FUN or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

Hey, go on Kickstarter. Back Brian and Lindsay's project. It's going to be really cool. Even a dollar helps. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Hey, everyone. We love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, And then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying, one, we've been doing this show for over seven years, long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche. And two, shut up.

Sick burn. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast. A podcast about words that sound like other words. A podcast about me singing long, irritating songs like this one. A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie. Or discussions about sex tarps. Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out. And talking about ding-dongs.

That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today. Or visit MaximumFun.org to follow the show. The Flophouse! Woo! It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris,

boy detective. And the famous Dr. Frank. Here's the thing. It's sort of like a rollercoaster ride. At first, it feels awkward. Then it starts to feel natural. But then about four or five times in, you're like, this is pretty ridiculous. Then after a while, you become dead inside. Sure. Just numb.

Yeah. Waiting for death. So, Frank, I think we mentioned this earlier, but you're what's called a professional musician. Technically, yes. And you happen to have what looks like – is that a bassoon? No. This is what is known in the music business as a guitar. Interesting.

I'm learning some industry lingo here. This is nice. Yeah, we're really wood shopping this. Sometimes an axe. Sometimes a piece of wood. There's a thing that old guys who are guitar guys will sometimes say if they take a look at your guitar and they say, nice piece of wood. guys who are guitar guys will sometimes say if they take a look at your guitar and say

nice piece of wood. And I've never quite been able to figure out how much of the innuendo is intended or not. It's a nice piece of wood. You sound like a couple of summer boys to me, Frank.

You'll be playing and they'll, ah, Spankin' the Plank. That's some good plank spanking going on there. I don't know why. Let's start referring to podcasting as Spankin' the Plank. It sounds cooler than podcasting. I have one question for Frank before you play this song. So you're going to be playing and you'll probably be singing. Yeah. What does Rene Russo think of your singing? I don't know.

Here we go again with the Russo. Because Rene Russo happened to have mentioned the other night, I don't know if I said this, but that I'm a very good singer. I just happened to sing a few bars and Rene Russo said to me, wow, Jesse, you're a very good singer. Well, I don't often get rave reviews on my singing per se, although just the other day at a school, I did a school – do school – when you're a young adult author, you do these school visits. I played at a high school somewhere. And this student came up to me after and said, you sing good. And that was the – that compliment meant more to me.

It was probably very sincere. Yeah. No, it definitely was. It was very nice. So that's the equivalent of – that's my Rene Russo story. So are you going to sing – I know that you actually write and record songs that are related to your fiction. I do. Is this going to be a King Dork-related song?

I haven't figured that out yet. But yeah, it could be. If only you had had 90 minutes. It could be. If only you had had 90 minutes. I just kind of, you know, yeah, I'll do a King Dork song because I'm here promoting my book King Dork Approximately. Sure. Might as well sort of have everything integrate in that way. You know what?

In a funny way, your visit has dual purposes. It promotes your book and it's just a lot of fun for the three of us. Sure. I try to approach everything I do in that same spirit, in that same good time, good feeling spirit. You know what? You were doing a really bad job of that right around the time my parents died. No. I was really sad and I was like, why isn't Dr. Frank coming?

Okay. What's the name of this song, Dr. Frank? So I have to tell a little story to introduce it. Oh, please. Yeah. So in my book, The Kingdork Approximately, the sequel to Kingdork, there is a character named Cynthia with a Y. And ordinarily, Cynthia already has a Y in it. But this Y is at the end where the I would normally be. And then instead of the Y at the beginning, there's an I.

So the I and the Y is switched places. And then instead of a dot above the I, there's an X. So far, the narrative drive of this story is bowling me over. So this song is about a girl named Cynthia with a YX above the I. When you encounter someone like this, you write a song about her, obviously. Sure. And the guy in my book writes a song

that I'm going to play now. ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ Jenny with an I

Lisa with a Y Gladys with a W KYM doesn't trouble them So I shouldn't trouble you If you have any messages to send. Just address them to Pamela, double M with an H on the end. Cynthia with a Y. Cynthia with a Y.

X above the I. Cynthia with the Y. Nobody expects Sandy with an X to get on with the Julia. But everybody knows Susie with two O's is just a bit peculiar. If you're still singing sweet lullabies Dedicate them to Mimi With ease for her eyes Cynthia with a Y Cynthia with a Y

Closely followed by Molly with an I Louie Say how you wanna be Take it from Kathy with an E Thank you. Cynthia with a Y Hey Be how you want to stay Take it from Elizabeth with an A

Cynthia with a Y Thank you very kindly. A private audience with the great Dr. Frank. Thanks for having me, guys. Frank, it has been a joy and a delight. Are you headed out on further dates of this rock and roll book tour? Yes, I am playing in San Francisco Sunday tomorrow at the Sketchfest edition of the Porchlight storytelling series. And then I'm on my way to Nashville and Memphis, and I can't remember where I'm playing. But anybody can check their local listings.

I mean, all you have to do is just go to an internet search engine, AltaVista, for example, and just type in Dr. Mehmet Oz. Backslash superfoods. It helps if you add a keyword like acai berry or salmon, wild salmon specifically. Is that a superfood? I know that I'm aware of the term superfood, but I'm not really sure. Salmon is really superfood, Sam? Well, because it's packed with omega-3 fatty acids. Because bears like it.

That's why it's just because it makes bears super. I mean, look at how powerful bears are. Yeah, they'll fuck you up. Wouldn't you love to be that powerful? They're literally beasts. You're totally right. They're man-eaters. Sure. They're literally beasts. You're totally right. They're man-eaters. They're literally

eat a man. If you fuck with them. Don't fuck with a man. There's one takeaway from today's episode. If you're going to fuck with one gay subculture, you're going to want

to fuck with summer boys. Oh, yeah. They'll flip right over. Yeah. Dr. Frank, it's been a delight to have you on the program. Thank you very much for joining us. It is I who thank you. Check out Dr. Frank's hit series of novels, King Dork.

Two available. One on the horizon. Yes. The third one, King Dork Abroad, is coming. King Dork Approximately is the current one. Please consider buying it. That would help me out a lot. Hey.

Dr. Frank needs a win in the new year. If you've seen his keys, too. If you've seen Dr. Frank's keys. He's really hoping somebody will return him by the time he gets home to Oakland. We'll talk to you next time.

Oh, Brian Fernandez, our producer, a.k.a. Sonny D, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records, our thanks to them. You can discuss the show with the hashtag JJGo on Twitter, on our special Reddit club, I believe what it's called, at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can do it up on the Facebooks. Just search for Maximum Fun and Jordan Jesse go there.

And on our forum at forum.maximumfun.org. We'll have some fun conversations. I honestly, you know, last week we had a guest on the show and he stopped by because he had won a charity auction. by because he had won a charity auction. He was nice enough to take some beautiful photographs of the show as it was unfolding and just describe everything that happens behind the scenes, you know, from the superfoods to the summer boys. Sure. To the list of other things that happened during the course of the show.

Yeah, it's great. It's on the Reddit. It's where you should go and check it out. I'd go check it out. I said go check it out. Go check it out. That's what Lothraper would want you to do. You can see my new haircut.

Yeah, Jordan's got shorn locks. Yeah, that's what he brought over to the Alice in Rosen program, by the way, which he was also on. You should go check out. Yep. Speaking of things Lothraper's excited about. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.