Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 363: Live at SF Sketchfest with Maeve Higgins and Roman Mars

Episode Date: February 9, 2015

Comedian Maeve Higgins and radio host Roman Mars join Jordan and Jesse live on stage at Cobb's Comedy Club for SF Sketchfest.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hey guys, this week's Jordan Jesse Go was recorded live at San Francisco Sketch Fest in front of a sold-out crowd at Cobb's Comedy Club in North Beach. So, let's go straight to the stage of Cobbs. Hello, everyone. Lots of enthusiasms. People over here were yelling something.

I interpreted it as a threat. Exciting to be here at Cobb's Comedy Club. Last time we were at Cobb's Comedy Club, comedian Rick Overton cornered us in the green room to tell us about why marijuana should be legal. Just to be fair, we disagree with that, guys. We're against it. It distracts from the legalization of heroin, which we think is the real issue.

That's like our main thing. I am on an eight ball right now of Excedrin and migraine pills. To be fair, though, I think now is the time to write your concept album. On the way here, when I was trying to get... I was at my house. My luggage was at the door. The Uber car was... Forgive me for taking an Uber car. It's the only one on Windows Phone.

But the Uber car was ready to take me to the airport, right? And I remember... You know, you can get picked up by the Zune scooter. It's just a tubby Russian man named Zune who comes to pick you up Zune scooter. It's just a tubby Russian man named Zune who comes to pick you up on a scooter. I'm trying to think. I'm there. I realize this thing

that is a new part of my life, which is when you get bald, if you don't put sunscreen on yourself before you leave the house, you come home sunburnt. I didn't want to be sunburnt for the good people of San Francisco Sketch Fest. So I ran into my wife's bathroom

to try and find some sunblock and I found some sunblock that I thought was that kind of spritzing sunblock. You know what I'm talking about? If this story doesn't end with you putting I can't believe it's not butter

on your head, I think you've done us all a disservice. If it's not butter on your head. I think you've done us all a disservice. If that's not how it ends, fucking change it. Change it to where you spray your head with butter spray. I closed my eyes and had it like this, and I squeezed it, and I'm like, I don't feel anything on my head.

So I went around a couple more times, and I'm like, I don't feel anything on my head. So I went around a couple more times. And I'm like, I don't know why there's no sunscreen. Why is my head not being misted? I opened my eyes, looked down, and it was like Bukkakemageddon on my shirt. With like two minutes before the car was going to get there. Oh, actually, sorry. That reminds me. You say Bukkakemageddon. I want that DVD you borrowed back.

Anyway, I only just barely managed to, you know, point break. Wipe the man jism off of myself before I made it here to San Francisco Sketch Fest. But, I mean, if I don't look like I just got back from an audition at the kink.com armory right now, then I succeeded. We actually have some business to take care of. Do you want to take care of some business? Oh, yeah, sorry.

This is a little housekeeping thing that Sketch Fest asked us to do. There's just some shows that are kind of having some trouble selling tickets, and I know you guys are here seeing a lot of shows, so we just wanted to kind of tell you about some Sketchfest shows that are still open, some shows you still can see. Just to clarify, we have some segments in our show, and we had planned to come up with theme music for the segments in our show, but unfortunately

we didn't have time. I had all that jizz on me, etc., etc. So we just went ahead and just... I was at this gangbang. And those things always run long. They say it's going to be 90 minutes. Plan for two hours. Everybody

shows up on their own time, etc. Yeah, guys, we said 10 o'clock. Be here by 10 o'clock. We just had Brian in the booth just pull something. So can you play our theme music for Sketchfest announcements, please? Gone. It's too bad we don't have any Asian jokes

from John Hughes movies here. Sketchfest announcements. So 4 p.m. today at the Hurley's Foosball and Craft Brewery Theater, it's the Sketchfest tribute to your friends from high school. Featuring a retrospective of that time Bodhi drank too many Smirnoff Ices and ate it on the steps outside Doug's house. What a spaz. any Smirnoff Ices and ate it on the steps outside Doug's house.

What a spaz. Tonight at 8 p.m. at the Hellman's Mayonnaise Stage at the Yerba Buena Art Center, you can catch a conversation with Doug Feldman, a guy who was an extra in that one Mr. Show sketch about the megaphone crooner. That should be fun. Tomorrow afternoon at the Jay Leno Memorial Black Box on Market,

you can see a show titled Beyond Bazinga. In Beyond Bazinga, the cast and writers of The Big Bang Theory test out new catchphrases live on stage. You'll hear potential

new classics like Fop Fop What? Gribble Gribble Grabble. And Just Yelling Lando Calrissian. Tomorrow night on the Yuck Yuck stage at the Mitchell Brothers Theater, unusual venue, you can catch the improv extravaganza

Sag Minimum, which features actors who've had as many as, but not more than, four lines on shows including 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. And tonight at Mayor Joseph Alito's Chuckle Hut, you can check out Sketchfest's legendary Contrarian Showcase. So this year, apparently, some dick tries to convince you that the last few Adam Sandler movies were actually pretty fun. And finally, a big show Tuesday night at the Fifth Street Comedy Theater. Formerly the Bill Cosby

Comedy Theater. It's the award-winning storytelling show, The Chrysalis. Five headlining comics dare to ask the question, what would stand-up be if it had no jokes? It's a joke about confessional storytelling shows.

We're ambivalent about them. Not a lot of laughs in those. But a lot of stories about elderly dementia. Yeah. Should we bring our first guest onto the stage? I'd love to.

A demented elderly. Where am I? She's the host of the popular Irish television show Tasty Vittles. This is not a bit. That's an actual true. Man, what a great name for a television program. She's a beloved stand-up comedian. If it was a bit, the name of her Irish TV show would be Drunken Yelling.

She is an absolute delight and a charmer. Please welcome to the stage Maeve Higgins. Hi, guys. Hi, Maeve. How are you, pal? I'm good, man. It's actually, this is like, I hate to come out all guns blazing. Right. But it's called...

Maeve? Yeah? Come at me, bro. First of all, I'm really drunk, so I don't know. No, I'm not. Maeve, come on. That's racist. I know. I don't know who put that idea in my head. So, and also, it's called Fancy Vittles, my show.

God damn it. And it's okay. I mean, it's from one of your cultural exports. That's where I got the name, from Seven Brides to Seven Brothers, that documentary about when this girl, Millie, had to, like, find a husband, and then all his brothers had to find wives

in the Old West, where we are right now, in San Francisco. And there's a barn-raising scene. I mean, I don't know why I'm telling you. You probably learned this in school. But there's a scene where they raise a barn, and all the neighbors come together to raise a barn. And then it was the women's job to bring fancy victuals

for the men. We did learn about that in current events class. Yeah, when the girls were learning to tie their corsets, you were like, how to raise a barn. That's what I love about America. I just learned to make a candle.

It's great to have you on the show, partner. Yeah. Oh, shucks. Where are those Indians? Have you spent... Seriously, where are they? What did you do with them? Maybe we got some bad news.

No, you don't have any bad news. The Indians do. Actually, I was just watching the movie Toy Story with my three-year-old. And you know Tom Hanks plays a cowboy named Woody. Yeah. Just a little background for you guys. Don't want anybody to lose me on this Toy Story thread.

Highbrow. A obscure arthouse film that I saw with my three-year-old. They're like, more Seven Brides for Seven Brothers material! So you were watching Toy Story. And I was thinking, like, that they had probably had a meeting

where they were like, you know, it's just all these baby boomer dudes made this movie, you know, and I was thinking they had a meeting and they were like,

and they were thinking of characters. They're like, oh, we'll have a sl'll have a slinky we'll have a dinosaur or whatever and one guy's like, we'll have a cowboy and somebody else is like, we'll have an in oh, no, sorry sorry I know, right

we were racist when we were children totally yeah, totally we used to, yeah, we didn't play, like, so the Irish liked to think that we were, like, the oppressed ones, because we were, like, a colony of Britain and stuff.

But then, like... We've seen the commitments. Right. Yeah. Maybe these guys haven't. They went very silent when you said that. But yeah, so, and then I, like, come to America, and I'm, like, a white woman, and I'm like,

I win! Ha! I'm interested in our crowd a little bit. Take your tops off, take your... That's the part I'm interested about. Your jugs. There's a lot of nice jugs here. Yeah, exactly.

But mostly because people just make and brought their own moonshine. Yeah, that's true. They're bringing it in jugs. From their hay bale weddings. And don't cheer to tip us off either way. Okay. Do you guys think there are more people in the audience

who currently have weed on them or currently have a Nintendo 3DS on them? I want to poll the audience at some point, but I want you guys to guess before we actually poll. Okay, in the Venn diagram, there's going to be so many with both in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Weed.

You think Weed? Can you explain to me what a Nintendo, is that like a virtual boy? You know, yeah, it's like a it's like a less sophisticated virtual boy. You know, I'll maybe open that up to include any Nintendo handheld, DS, 3DS, Game Boy Advance, Game Boy Micro,

Game Boy Traditional. Game Boy Color? Game Boy Color's in there. And yeah, if you have a fucking virtual boy, fucking get up here and start doing the show because you're the star. What about like a licensed Nintendo thing like a Tiger handheld

Donkey Kong? Yeah, if you have a Game & Watch. But the Game & Watch references get bigger. That went fine. Anyway. I mean, I think it went about as well as

a Game & Watch reference can be expected to go. No, you're right. Nice joke, sir. Okay, maybe you think weed. Yeah, because I got here last night and three people offered me weed

in the space of an hour. That's pretty solid. I've been here since last night and fucking no one's offered me shit. Oh, well, these are comics, so... Yeah. Do you know what? One time, speaking of Rick Overton

and legalized marijuana, one time I was giving Rick Overton a ride home from a sketch fest show and he wouldn't tell me where to pick him up. It turned out because it was at, he's like, well, it's near the corner of such and such and such and such, and I'm trying to figure out

why he won't tell me the address, and then I finally get there, and I find him, and he says, oh, this is my friend Robin. It's because he didn't want to give me Robin Williams' address. And it's not a sad story about Robin Williams. Like, granted, his life ended tragically, and we all love Robin Williams. There's no Robin Williams bashing in this story.

This is just a fun story about Robin Williams in better times, okay? I just want to comfort everyone. But Rick Overton got in my car, which I had borrowed from my mother. So technically my mother's car. I was supposed to drive him to the airport, and he's like, do you mind if I smoke some weed? And I was like, I kind of don't think you should smoke weed in my mom's car. And he got really, really angry at me because I was going to let Robin Williams' weed go to waste. Yeah, bonus points if anybody in the audience has celebrity weed. Yeah.

What do you think? Jesse, Mavis is celebrity weed. What do you think? Mavis saying weed. Can we expand it? Here's what I think. If we expand it to all, like a handheld gaming system other than like a telephone or something. Telephones and stuff. Except for that one telephone that was also a handheld gaming system.

What was that called? Engage, yes. If someone has an N-Gage. I will accept an N-Gage, but I'm also talking about, like, a Game Gear or an Atari Lynx. PlayStation Vita, sure. Okay, any handheld gaming system.

So I'm going any handheld gaming system over marijuana. And remember, there's no narcs here, folks. We're all just chill non-cops. That's right, just three young people like yourselves. Wait. Who enjoy rock music? Jordan, hold on. I got a great way to figure out if there's any narcs in the crowd.

Hey, is anyone here a cop? You gotta tell us. You have to tell us. No cops. Okay, great. Well, one very angry clap. Fuck yeah, I'm a cop. So I say, if we can expand it to all handheld gaming systems,

I'm going with handheld gaming systems. Okay. If you said medical marijuana licenses, I mean, that would be obvious. But the question is... Yeah, who's holding? This isn't a Doobie Brothers concert. Like, I don't think people are holding

so they can blaze it up during the show. It's the only way you really get podcasts, you know? It's like, look, you can listen to the bootleg tapes, but it's not the same experience as being there. Anybody's shrooming. If you are, here's a segment for you. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Wah.

Okay, so I say handheld gaming systems because, you know, the McElroy brothers, two of the McElroy brothers are famous video game journalists. I bet there's a lot of video game... Some people are just applauding for video game journalism. Yeah. And ethics in it, right? Ethics therein.

That's what our show tonight is about, folks. Excuse me, let me get on my Guy Fawkes mask. Why don't men have the rights to take care of their children? Thank you. Head over to Reddit slash r slash upskirts and discuss this with me. Did I get a... No, did I get hissed? Oh. We're against... Oh, it's a woman hissed!

This is what's called satire, man. I'm sorry if you're big on r slash upskirts. Fucking hissing me. You better not send up a shot to make it up to me. You should do that. We're almost done, right? She's the owner of the kink.com armory. So I see video game systems.

I say video game systems. And I'm willing to put up $5 on this. Maeve, you can put up $5 or the, what is it, 500 4 and 0s or whatever they use in Ireland? 4 and 0s! I feel like I've got money on me. I've got $5 of your American... Who's that guy? Cute.

Like a hipster. That's actually Guy Fieri. If you put the dollar in your mouth, it tastes like blue cheese. I got $ bucks on this. All right. So you guys are going against each other. Yeah.

Okay. Can I just check? If I win, does that mean I get your five bucks or just my own back? No, either way, I get both five dollars. That seems fair. That's how betting works here in America. Manifest destiny. The man's going to get the money.

It's sort of like how Gaelic football is something, maybe. I don't know. It's just of like how Gaelic football is something, maybe. I don't know. It's just regular football, but you're drunk. Hurling, is that something? This drinking thing is not like... What's the thing where these angry men hit each other with something that's sort of like a heavy hockey stick? So, not American football.

You're talking about... You're talking about... You're talking about... You're talking about... You're talking about hurling, which is like one of the most skillful games. It's not just like, put on as much weight as you can around your neck, but you're still going to get Parkinson's. And bash into each other while we eat chicken.

It's not that. It's like an incredible... It's the fastest game in the world. But you guys aren't eating chicken right no we're eating taters yeah yeah yeah that's hurling and two can be angry and racist i know i know okay i just i've played too much football okay my mood okay ten dollars on the table Okay This is pretty dramatic, right? Yeah, this is gonna be pretty exciting

Jordan, you're judging this thing? I'm judging, yeah So let's do it by a show of hands And see if it's obvious Okay, raise your hands If you are currently holding Whoa What?

Basically nobody Strokes guy, did you have your hand up? I don't want to like signal you out Cool Hey dude Cool Strokes guy, did you have your hand up? I don't want to signal you out. Cool. Hey, dude. Cool. Oh, my God. What a bunch of nerds. Where's the party, guys?

All right. Handheld gaming system. Oh, my God. One, two, three. I won. I'm rich. Jesse by one. I thought that would be far more interesting than it was. Turns out, not that interesting.

Did we miss anybody in the balcony? Did anybody in the balcony raise your hand? Yell out weed if you've got it. Nope. Do you want to do our next big segment? Oh, I would love to. Do you want to do Our next big segment Oh I would love to Do we need some sort of

Do we need some sort of Sniffer dogs Can you play Can you play the theme music For our segment Miscellaneous Miscellaneous anecdotes I'll take

I'll take what I can get I'll take what I can get I'll take what I can get Jesus Christ this is long Long fanfare I overheard Here's my miscellaneous anecdote I'll open up I overheard a brief conversation

At our hotel in Japantown A small group of women In their early 20s Hanging out together Speaking relatively serious to each other. Seriously, I should say, grammatically correctly. Please don't email.

And I actually took the time to write down the exact conversation because I didn't want anyone, I basically didn't want anyone to think that I was making it up. Or that you were listening in to a group of young women. I was just trying to catch a few cool upskirts.

So this is the conversation, again, a serious conversation. I mean, and you wrote it down on a Windows phone, so it's got to be true. You got it. And I'm all business. I'm using this Windows phone. Okay. I wrote it down in I'm all business. I'm using this Windows phone. Okay. I wrote it down in Microsoft Office, by the way. So the first woman said,

it's just been a whole series of them. And the second woman turned to her and said, micropenises? And the first woman said, yeah, four in a row now. Wow. Yeah. Real conversation overheard

at the Kabuki Hotel. I mean, she definitely hasn't been getting with any fellas who are at Cobb's Comedy Club tonight. Am I right, fellas? Right? Yeah, you guys all got pythons in there. Not those horse dicks from slash r slash horse dicks.

But you didn't specify what size that lady was if she was a giant. That's a good point. Could have just been relative micro penises. It's funny. I mean, the irony is I was looking up her skirt at the moment, and she just had a gaping vag.

Right? Just somewhere there's three guys having the same conversation. Yeah, man. Four in a row. Cave vaginas. Four cave vaginas

in a row. Vulva, mile wide. Maeve, do you have a miscellaneous anecdote you'd like to share? Yeah, I was talking to my friend and this guy was recording it all on his phone. No, I just, I mean, I was just thinking,

we just started talking about it in the car that I was delayed in the airport yesterday. I don't know if this counts as an anecdote. I was delayed for like seven hours in JFK and I only found out when I got here because I was in a cab with another comedian

who was like, oh, but you, at least we got to go to Shake Shack. But I didn't know that there was, Shake Shack is a magical place that we have in New York

and it doesn't exist here, but you guys have In-N-Out Burger. No, not really. In Daly City, they have it. That's where, I don't know where And Fisherman's Wharf,

every San Franciscan's favorite hangout. Well, that's where I want to go because that's where Michael Jackson's doctor went as soon as he got released from prison. He went straight to In-N-Out Burger. It's murderer approved. But that means it has to be amazing, right? If that's the first thing you do after you kill Michael Jackson, then...

Come on. Either that or it's just a convenient place to buy tranquilizers. To put in my milk. You know, they have got a secret menu there. You just ask for the double-double sleepy style. And they just fill it with tranks. They just pump that shit with tranks.

Jordan, have you got an anecdote? Yeah, actually, boy, I just had an awful flight coming over here personnel-wise. Do you mind if I go to the bathroom real quick? Sure, yeah, I'll just finish up this anecdote. I just gotta go to the bathroom real quick? Sure, yeah, I'll just finish up this anecdote.

I just gotta go to the bathroom real quick. Yeah, sure, Jesse's gonna take over. Okay, maybe I'll just tell you this. Okay, great, yeah. So I was, so the woman behind me was very, very drunk. And she was, and I could smell it before she even started speaking in a drunken way. Like, you know how Pigpin from Peanuts

has a dust cloud following him? This woman had like a drunken way. Like, you know how Pigpin from Peanuts has a dust cloud following him? This woman had like a gin smell cloud. Oh my God. And she was Australian. I don't know. She was a drunk Australian. And I just learned all about this woman because she was just yelling at her seatmate for the whole flight.

And that's a feat because I had headphones in and I was playing a video game with a dubstep soundtrack. So this woman's drunken screeching was eclipsing this and I found out two very fun facts about this woman. Her

favorite TV show is The Wahlburgers and she thinks Jenny McCarthy is not only really funny, but really smart. Really smart. She's really smart. And what was her seatmate doing this whole time? Just like... I think trying to have sex with her.

Yes. Like agreeing so that they could maybe have sex. Oh my god. That's how you do it. I wanted to call her... I always wonder, but I guess that's what I have to do. I have to get really drunk, I have to sit on a flight and just tell everyone I think Jenny McCarthy is smart and pretty. And funny. And funny.

I mean, of course she's pretty, but smart and funny. Oh my god. Jenny McCarthy's two main characteristics. Would it have been racist for me to call her a didgeridoo dumbass? Didgeridoo? Don't you dare. I don't know. No, I think Would it have been racist for me to call her a didgeridoo? Didgeridoo, dumbass. Didgeridoo, don't you dare. I don't know. No, I think it would have been fine.

Hey, do you think I could get back my $5 since Jesse's gone to the toilet? Oh, yeah, I'm fine with that. Here. I'll just take Jesse's. And I'll rub my balls on his seat. Oh! He's going to know. He can always sense.

Uh, hi. Hello, everyone. Hello, hello, hello. Oh, my God, somebody... Why are you talking like that? It just got so much more sophisticated in here. Why is who talking like this? It is I, Jesse Thorne, with an E at the end, British sports reporter.

You look basically exactly like Jesse Thorne, who was just out here. No, he's wearing a cravat. I'm a completely different person. I'm wearing a scarf, and I have an E at the end of Thorne. Oh, well, that's airtight. Okay, what brings you out here?

I'm here to do the BBC Sports Report. Oh, that's a little unusual. This is a live podcast taping, but I guess... Fantastic. All the better. More people to hear my wonderful British Sports Report. Can I please have the theme music

for Jesse Thorne with an E at the end, British Sports Reporter. We go first to rugbyby Union And Cardiff Where England stunned Wales on kicks Grand finale 16 Wales 21 for the men in white Long range penalty work

From Billy 12 Trees With further work on the green From Halfpenny Wigglesworth And a sin bin Cuthbert Six Nations continues on the morrow. In football, Lancashire took on Blackpool with 12 strikes in eight zones. Moving up the table was Spattlesford on Thames, scoring nine with six feet 14 and a green card.

An international dazzler this week in Cote d'Ivoire, African nations took 19 striking hard, fast, and with tremendous enthusiasm. The result, unqualified success. 12-43 Boulévin Teen 9. Snooker now and Bart Fartleby grabbing six rounds, opening on four,

closing 19. The corpulent Francis the Elder sticking proudly, scoring 17 with 12 dance, six hole, 11-12. And finally darts, which in England is a sport. Thank you very much.

Jesse Thorne with a knee. Jesse Thorne with a knee, everybody. Up he goes. Okay, he's a little rude. They're here to see my brother, my brother, me. They don't know that's a running joke on our show. Oh, guys, it's me, Justin. Oh, good, you're back.

Oh, man, I really drained my willy up there. Hey, did any, was anybody, did you have anything to do while I was gone? Nah, nothing really. We just chilled. Yeah, there was this bit, I mean, we can edit it out, but this BBC reporter. Really?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I remember that. This tall, handsome guy with a cravat. He just came and he just read the sports reports and he really lost the audience. Oh, wow. That sounds... It's like they were here to see another show.

Sounds like it would be confusing to my brother, my brother in meat fans. I mean, maybe if the British sports reporter had slipped in a few Doctor Who references, they would have had something to applaud. Bigger on the inside. Let's bring in our next guest.

I would love to. He's the host of the smash hit podcast 99% Invisible. Please welcome to the stage Roman Mars. Hey, Roman. Hello.

Got any bits that'll confuse the audience? Nothing quite like that. It's great to have you on the program, Roman. Can I say something to you real quick? We've been friends for a long time. Of course. I'm starting to get upset at how physically fit you are. The more, like every time I see you,

your shoulders are broader and your waist is narrower. Uh-huh. It's kind of bullshit. I guess that's all I'm trying to say. To be fair, he's inching ever closer to a micropenis. Sorry, Roman. You showed me in confidence, and I've betrayed you. What was that about?

That was between us. Sorry. I just wanted the audience to like me. Hey guys, I've got a lot of cool information about micro-penises if you want to hang out after the show. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, D. Fernandez, is continuing apace. There's only 11 days left as of this recording, and we've just passed two-thirds of our goal. That means that you've given more than $20,000 to make this, our first ever video series, a reality. More than 420 people have kicked in money. Yes, it is now officially 420 friendly.

If you want to get in on the action, check out not only the pilot episode but also our just-released second episode of the show. Check out the really cool reward gifts that Brian designed, including a magnet with unit conversions for your kitchen and a chip clip that has terrifyingly realistic teeth and a tote bag and an apron and lots of other cool experiential things. Brian will even design a logo for your company or your podcast or something like that. Go to Kickstarter and search for Brian and Lindsay will totally eat that or just go to MaximumFun.org and click on the Brian and Lindsay will totally eat that logo on the right hand side of the page. Let's get back to the show. to the show.

Hey, so do you guys want to do momentous occasions? Brian, do we have momentous occasions? Where's our momentous occasions? Where's Brian? Brian's probably still upstairs playing sounds on his fucking phone. Holy shit, he's running down here. This is like a bit. Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Fernandez!

It's like the beginning of Letterman where Letterman runs past the... Holy mackerel. He's mugging, he's waving. What a cutie. Oh, we need to do the theme music, too. Go, go back up, go back up, go back up. We need theme music.

Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian. Come on, my brother. Theme music, theme music. What do we got? What do we got? What do we got? I can see.

Good. Letting Peter out. Adam K. Is Adam K. here? Adam, come on up. Come on up, come on up, come on up. Come sit. Stand with me, Adam.

Stand right here. Stand right there. Okay. Hi, Adam. What's your name? You're not good at reading, are you? Adam, what's your... For the benefit of the audience listening to this on their iPods,

Adam brought his 40 on stage. It is a 16. A 16. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me his 40 on stage. It is a 16. A 16, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. I'm not... It's not open. Whoa! Adam just got super racist for the benefit of people listening at home.

Okay, Adam, what's your momentous occasion, sir? I'll hold the fucking microphone in case you start saying more racist stuff. I punched my friend in the gut so hard he farted out of his mouth and that was this morning. What?

We are going to need to get filled in on this. I don't think it's possible. You're juicing these days when at the last time you punched her. Farted out of his mouth.

Could you please expand without making me want to vomit myself? I'm sorry. What was the fight over? There wasn't a fight. I just did it. That's how Houdini died.

That's dangerous. Why isn't your momentous occasion I killed Houdini punching dudes who aren't ready for it in the stomach? How do you even know that he farted out of his mouth?

Did he tell you afterwards? I was obviously standing right there. Do you mean burp? Is that what you mean? The guttural noise was more than a burp. Wow. Well, Adam, you seem like a horrible person. Thank you very much for sharing your momentous occasion. Adam, ladies and gentlemen.

Holy shit, right? Yeah, that was something else. That was really raw. Raw, real, and uncensored. Okay, who is Rachel? I feel like I just met Kenny Powers. Rachel, are you here? Come on up.

Come on up, Rachel. Come on. Rachel, ladies and gentlemen. Rachel. Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Sound Machine. Hi, ma'am. Hi. What's your name?

Rachel. Great work. Tell me, what's your momentous occasion, Rachel? Okay, on my drive down here from Oregon on Thursday. Hold up. Stop. Hammer time. You drove down here from Oregon just for this show?

And John Hodgman last night. So just for Jordan, Jesse, go? That was the only thing you drove down here for? That is amazing. That is a beautiful commitment. And you're leaving immediately after Jordan and Jesse go before my brother, my brother, and me even hit the stage?

Yes. And you're leaving behind all the pot you brought with you? Oh, great. Terrific. Rachel, what's your momentous occasion? Don't hold the microphone! I hold the microphone in case you say something racist!

On my drive down from Oregon, at the last gas station in Oregon where I stopped to fill up where I could not have to pump my own gas, I had a text message on my phone from my soon-to-be ex-husband, who I... Fuck that guy, right, guys?

Yeah. Rachel's got a new partner in Gange. He's pointing at Roman. Wait, are you texting? Is there a photo to support? Oh, okay, great. Oh, you got a text. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

I was too busy looking at Roman's jacked physique. Inverted triangle over there. Talking about Roman's micropenis. So, wait, I mean... Why did I come here? I mean, I know these things are...

We figured that what we would do is get the most famous podcaster we knew to sit on stage with us so we could mock them relentlessly and not give them a chance to talk. Perfect. You found your man. This is a great promotion for your architecture podcast. Okay, so...

Wait, I mean, I know these issues are complicated. Can you say in a few words why the bear ejected? Maybe the text message will make that clear. Was it some sort of comical misunderstanding? Fingers crossed. No, it was not a comical misunderstanding.

Can I guess? His boss came over for dinner And you were trying to make a casserole But you burnt it You're so close You were married to Dick Van Dyke, right? Yes I guess that he's just not into Pushing himself sexually

He wouldn't move the ottoman He always tripped over it Dick Van Dyke humor humor ladies and gentlemen from rachel 90 years old but he still got it sexually yeah so that that means that rachel's preparing to saying something racist i've been harboring some residual guilt because I was the one that said I wanted a divorce

and he desperately wanted another chance. So I've been sort of... Tell me about it. Story of my life. I've been reticent to start dating again. Just it felt like

it would be a little awkward and inconsiderate. And here's the text that I had from him on the way down here. I hope you slept well, beautiful. Sorry my meeting went so late last night. I miss saying goodnight. I'm looking

forward to the show tonight and being in your arms again. XO. I responded I don't... New phone. Who dis? Yes. so what that means is that i don't have to have any guilt anymore. I'm fucking free! Yay! Get up! Ladies and gentlemen! Who's got the denic for Rachel?

Thank you so much, Rachel, ladies and gentlemen. I'm so glad. This is the second time I've seen you guys live, and I also got to read a momentous occasion last time. So that feels a little momentous, too. Rachel, bring in the heat! Okay, we got one more. Benji, where's Benji? Anybody see a small, scruffy dog?

He probably doesn't want to come up because he's being hunted. Yay. Benji. Hey. Cool American flag t-shirt. What's your favorite country? Well, it was Czechoslovakia for a while.

Too bad about that. Hey, Jordan. It's a shame. They split that shit now. It's not good, though. You know, Roman, this is a fun story about flags.

Roman recently inspired an entire city to change its flag or something. Yeah, a few. A few? Yeah. Holy shit.

What's your top cities that you've, flags you've changed? Probably Chattanooga, right? Well, a few have, they haven't really changed. I'm trying to get San Francisco to change its flag. It's God fucking awful. What's on the current flag?

A phoenix. It's just a, I was going to say it's a beard on a fixed gear bike. It doesn't look. Talking about SEOs. It's just a picture of the kink.com armory. No, it's a really bad phoenix. It looks kind of like a turkey. Terrible.

What would you prefer it be? Anything. I mean, like maybe a better phoenix. Like a surfing hot dog? That'd be pretty cool. He's tipping his shades like, man, I got this. Yeah, sure. That'll be for the He's tipping his shades like, man, I got this Yeah, sure

That'll be for the ages It'll work Just a doggy diner head, but it has his dick out Some local shit Both doggy diner heads And just having your dick out Some San Francisco type stuff Let's get back to everybody's

Favorite film dog, Benji. What hilarious misadventures have you been up to, baby Benji? I thought you were retired and or dead. Yeah, I was let out of the house. So I live in Berkeley and I was walking. Congratulations. Everybody who lives in Berkeley is so stoked about Berkeley

because they can go to the Berkeley Bowl and they got seven different kinds of satsumas. You know what? Our friend Max is here. That dude lives in Berkeley. He lives in a fucking tent in his parents' backyard. That's some Berkeley-ass shit. I'm like, Max, you live in a tent in your parents' backyard?

And he's like, yeah, well, I have a bunch of parents because I grew up in a pseudo-cult. And also, it's a nice tent. It has a floor. And also, technically, I'm occupying it. Occupied parents' backyard. We are the 99% of millennials. Benji, I forgot what you were talking about.

Berkeley. It was something about developers that want to get rid of the community center. You're proposing a breakdance contest. Are dogs even allowed in breakdance contest. Are dogs even allowed in breakdance contests? There's nothing in the rules

that says they're not. I guess it would be a bark dance contest. Joy O'Day! Joy O'Day! He's trying to take a nap. Okay, Benji, you are hanging out in Berkeley, swapping and trading some of your favorite bumper stickers.

All right, so in my neighborhood, there's a dilapidated convenience store. It's been somewhat under construction for months now, and I sort of pass it every day. Today, when I pass it, there's graffiti on the door that graffiti says if you don't finish this, I will dot dot dot

two weeks dot dot dot. Oh shit. Roman, I think we just discovered an episode of 99% Invisible. That's a story right there. From the journalistic point of view, where do you start with something like that? I don't even know. We That's a story right there. From the journalistic point of view, where do you start with something like that? I don't even know.

Well, we start with that anecdote right there. And then we get to the bottom of those ellipses. And when we find someone, I mean, maybe we wait two weeks. And then we show up. Can I suggest a format for this thing? Please. Anecdote reflection.

Anecdote reflection. That's perfect. This is going to be great. Weird sounds. Let's get some down-tempo behind it. You've got yourself a third-coast award. It pretty much writes itself at that point. Oh, my goodness gracious.

It's really cool that you are living so close to a deadly game of cat and mouse. Do you have any suspicions about who could... This would be a good foil if you were acting so innocent. Look what I saw. Oh, shit. Here's a surprise twist. You know who's doing the threatening?

Berkeley Mayor Wavy Gravy. He wants to tear down the liquor store and put up a trampoline store. Who do you think is behind this, Benji? Well, there's a lot of interesting graffiti in Berkeley. There was the tag Dog English on almost every sidewalk for a few months. Like, that's all it said.

That's actually your area of expertise. As a dog. There's a guy in LA now who just writes Borat on things. Which I've got into, honestly. Man, I had some friends in high school who's, they had a graph crew who were called J-E-W. Maybe rethink that. So you think it could be

You literally think it could be anyone Well yeah of course The graffiti like I said There's many of it in Berkeley It could be anyone Give us a call in two weeks Let us know how it turns out Benji by the way is going to be

Moderating the Berkeley mayoral debates His first question is Graffiti There's many of it in Berkeley moderating the Berkeley mayoral debates, his first question is, graffiti, there's many of it in Berkeley. You have opinion? And then someone's like, can you move Benji? I need to get to this bin of loose flax because this is happening at a health food store. this bin of loose flax because this is happening

at a health food store. I think that's all the time we have for today. I'll let Jordan and Jesse go. Benji, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you personally. It's not often that we get celebrities up here on stage.

Next time, though, if you could bring that cat from the incredible journey, Homeward Bound, Benji, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry, I did. Hey, Jordan, guess what Benji's latest trick is? Shaking hands. Ladies and gentlemen. I think that's about all the time we have. Mae Biggins.

Roman Mars. Roman Mars. Our thanks to SF Sketch Fest.