Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 365: Big Moon Guy with Matt Braunger and Allegra Ringo

Episode Date: February 23, 2015

Comedian Matt Braunger and writer Allegra Ringo join Jordan for a discussion of an interesting Uber ride, a goth on a scooter and whether or not Allegra is a psycho.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne out today doing a secret showbiz project that I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about, but I think I can, you know, just allude to kind of what he's doing. I'm not really sure if it's out there, if it's been on deadline or not. But he is – let's just say he's filming a little bit for the Sklar Brothers pilot on Comedy Central. That's all I'm going to say.

That's all I'm going to say. So don't jump down my neck if that was embargoed information. Jesse's not here, but I do have two very willing, able, funny, talented co-hosts sitting in with me, people who we have wanted to have on the show for a while but have not had the chance. I think they actually said we would love to do the show only if Jesse's not here. So first, we have a very talented writer, a writer whose work you may have read in Vice magazine, among others, Allegra Ringo.

Allegra, welcome to the program. Thanks for having me, Jordan. Yeah, here you are. Here I am. And in addition to Allegra, as if we needed more, a very, very funny stand-up comedian. He's got a new special big dumb animal that you can buy on vinyl now. Matt Bronger. Hey, Matt.

Hey, buddy. Actually, vinyl isn't out for like a month or two. Oh, okay. It's because all the vinyl factories are backed up. Oh, okay. Because it's so hot these days. Well, yeah. Like when I did my first one in 2009, you couldn't find any.

Right. They were backed up because there were like three left. Yeah. I did my first one in 2009, you couldn't find any. Right. They were backed up because there were like three left. Yeah. And now there's a ton more, but they're all backed up. Okay. So what's the preferred method of buying Big Dumb Animal? Oh, you can get it on iTunes and Amazon and all that jazz. And you can watch it on ComedyCentral.com too if you just want to preview it.

Okay. Because it aired a week ago now. Yeah. Okay, cool. I mean, nobody watches live TV anymore, Matt. Right. I know. What ago now? Yeah. Okay, cool. I mean, nobody watches live TV anymore, Matt. Right, I know. What am I saying? They're time-shifting. Exactly. They're binge-watching. Right now,

I could be dead while this thing is playing, while someone's listening. You know what I mean? That'd be weird. I'd get hit by a car and then listen to this now, like, ooh. It's weird that he knew. Yeah. Welcome to the Copernicus cast, where we make grim predictions. Anyway, what are you guys going to do during the great flood?

I'm going to cling to some driftwood. Hopefully float. Yeah. Yeah. Ideally. Yeah. Let's start here. I have a story that starts with I had a weird Uber driver.

It's a very common kind of story these days, but I think this one's a hoot. Uber driver. It's a very common kind of story these days, but I think this one's a hoot. I had to wear an Uber driver. His name, Jesus, and he had one of the mustaches that connects to sideburns. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know what you call that. It's the –

I think it's the Comstock as it's known. Oh, really? That's from the 1800s. I mean I'm throwing that out there a term of the time. But that's the last time people had those and it was not uber hipster-ish. Yeah. Like common to men. I will say that I think this guy was not – this was an older gentleman.

No, of course. He had a t-shirt on that – I don't know specifically what it was for. I'm going to guess a fishing contest, something that he got for either entering or winning some sort of fishing contest. Fishing contest. Something that he got for either entering or winning some sort of fishing contest. So this was a guy who I think was sincerely growing this weird facial hair. Yeah.

Interesting. And it was gray. It was kind of attractively gray, too. And, you know, so we're driving and he's, you know, kind of doing his best to chit chat. I don't love chatting with cab drivers and stuff. I don't know. It's just that – what are we doing? Why are we kidding ourselves? I can tell you the only person who enjoys that at all is any of us after four beers, and that's it.

Yeah. No, exactly. No more, no less. You get into a cab to go to another bar. You're meeting some friends or something. You're going somewhere fun. Sure. You're pre-gaming.

Guys are just talking to you like, yeah, let's talk. Let's figure it all out, man. Cool. Other than that, it's just like – How long have you been married? Oh, that's awesome, man. Please leave me alone. Fucking making it work.

Yeah, yeah. And I think that is a very, very good minimum beer number that you just said. It's got to be just a certain level of intoxication. Yeah. Not too much, but you're definitely buzzed. Yeah. You're definitely not doing anything in the morning. Because anymore, and I maybe want to just be fishing on my phone for some sort of erotic text message. And then, but any less, you're like, I'm not drunk enough.

Get me there. Yeah. And I feel guilty. I feel real bad that I don't like talking to Lyft or Uber drivers. Yeah. I feel like it makes me an asshole. I don't think it does. You don't think so?

I don't think it does. You don't think so? I don't think so. And there's an insincerity to it, I think, because they are looking for that five stars. Yeah. So I look at it like it's the same thing as a stripper being interested in you. It's like, I know what you're after. You're just after those sweet five stars. Yeah. Don't pretend you want to— Written on a $1 bill. Don't pretend you want to – Written on a $1 bill.

Don't pretend you want to hear what I think of Better Call Saul. I think it's pretty good. I'm having fun with it so far. So, yeah. But this guy said something that kind of maybe made me reconsider talking to Uber drivers because this was so amazing. And it was toward the end of the ride, so I couldn't follow up. So it's kind of just been swirling around in my head since he said it. So, you know, we're chit-chatting, and he says, oh, I can't really see the moon out tonight.

And I'm like, oh, yeah, it's kind of cloudy, so I can't really see the moon. He's like, yeah, it's too bad. I'm a big moon guy. He loves the moon. See, I kind of love that. He loves the moon. Me bad. I'm a big moon guy. He loves the moon. See, I kind of love that. He loves the moon. Me too. I'm a big moon guy.

Yeah, like. I mean, I'm a werewolf. That's what I'm saying. Right, duh, basically. I love it to change. I'm a lycanthrope. I devour the living. You don't want to just say that to someone.

Wake up naked in a park with a bloody mouth. I didn't realize that was the time of the year. I'm a big moon guy. I am. But I also like it. I like thinking about, like, this is just this guy's, like, interest. He's like, oh, you know, some people are like, you know, love movies. Some people are foodies.

I just love looking at the moon, like, enjoying it, waxing, waning, whatever. I'm a moon guy. But it is definitely just talking to talk. Sure. That's all it is. Yeah. And maybe that's where that came from. Maybe that's where you get a phrase as perfect as, I'm a big moon guy, just not knowing what else to say.

Just rambling. You know, the spirit of jazz is improvisation. Sure. He didn't know what song he was playing. Just fooling around, trying to find a good thing. But he found it. He kind of found that tempo. He's like, I got it.

I'm a big moon guy. And then you blow the guy's mind. I'm kind of picturing him hours later in his apartment going, moon guy? Ah, you idiot. You never should have. Idiot. Where did you get that? What is a moon guy?

Who likes the moon that much? I hate you so much, Jesus. Did you say anything? Did you say, like, are you an astronomer or what is moon guy? You know, it was one of those things where it was – this is two blocks before the get-out period. So I kind of felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. And when I got my bearings, it was time to get out at the wine bar. So I was like, but okay, bye.

No, hey, you know what? I'm going downtown. You know what? I hey you know what i'm going downtown you know what i changed my mind i'm going downtown i want to hear more about palm springs now why why your main interest is the moon um have you guys ever had an uber or lyft weirdo recently or or period i had one uh i did not love uh he picked me up and then he was trying to like network with me, which is so stupid because I'm not anybody. Like, you know, those people who are just like desperate for. He picked me up. I believe the kids call him thirsty. Yeah.

They call him thirsty. Maybe it's. OK. Thirsty. He was trying. He picked me up and was talking about all his projects. Whatever. I already didn't like that. Sure. What were some of his projects? Oh, thirsty. He picked me up and was talking about all his projects. Whatever. I already didn't like that.

Sure. What were some of his projects? Oh, God. Let me guess. Web series about him and his funny roommates. Well, yeah, obviously. Sure. Probably a couple of podcasts.

Sure, yeah. In there somewhere. To be honest, I feel bad I don't remember them. The idea for, but not an actual screenplay. Yes, exactly. Not an actual. This would be great. Not finished.

He has two popular things he would like to meet. I got a lot going on right now. Yeah, I'm into outlining things. Yeah, what is an outline? That'd be the response. Right. Yeah. Oh, so you're outlining it?

No. No, it's not a drawing. You're not drawing the people from the script. It's a movie. Someone will film it. It's a movie. Just stay with me. Sure.

Stay with me, Morden. Like he says your name wrong. Just get to it. Sorry, I'm a showbiz insider here. I'm asking my... I'm a guy who's thought of a movie idea. I'm asking my passenger, Angela, if she would just... So that

happened. I was fine. And then we drove past a massage place and he said, I bet they give hand jobs there. And I said, yes. Whoa. Take me back to my place. I don't want to go where I'm going anymore. No.

Oh, my God. It was the worst. And then I tweeted at Lyft about it and they gave me a $20 credit. Oh, pretty good. So everything was fine. So, I mean, the power of complaining. Yeah. And, I mean, I feel like that was a pretty fair trade.

No, good for you. Thank you. Talk about make a passenger uncomfortable, you know? Yeah. If you're driving a gal around, it's just the two of you. And it was like midnight. You know, it's okay to have those thoughts. Sure.

Just don't share them. Exactly. Don't share them. Listen, we all drive by places where we think you might could get a handjob. Sure, sure. There's a lot of weird buildings. Yeah, there's a lot of jack shacks out there, let's be honest. I love that term, jack shack.

I learned that one in Atlanta. Oh, sure. That's great. Yeah, just this old guy driving me around was just like, jack shacks. I was like, good lord. I feel creepier because you said that. You should have complained. You could have gotten $20.

No, this was just a guy they hired in a commercial I was working on. And he was also, he didn't say it like, check it out. He said it like with a tinge of disgust, like what's happened to my town? Oh, there's the jack shacks are moving. I used to be a detective. Shut those down. That's when you know a neighborhood is really going downhill when they bring in the cold press juice bar, the frozen yogurt place, and then the artisanal jack shacks move in. Artisanal jack shacks.

Locally sourced. Oh, yeah. These are local handjobs. These are nuts. Very expensive. Yeah. But worth it. Sure.

Small batch. Yeah. I hate when the curtain's broken for the ones at Whole Foods. Oh. There's so many people at Whole Foods. I know. Just shut the... There's no curtain. Just trying to get my...

What do you mean it's natural? I know it's natural. Just trying to get my – What do you mean it's natural? I know it's natural. Just trying to get my vegan handjob. Leave me alone. My girlfriend might come in and walk by. I don't want her to see this. Sure. I mean, yeah, people are like, oh, is this where they keep the quinoa?

Oh, no, this is where someone is getting a handjob. They always mix up quinoa and handjob. It's tough. They're right next to each other. Yeah. So, yeah. So, yes, that happened. And the other magnificent thing that's happened to me recently that I've been trying to just kind of wrap my brain around was. So my my Keurig broke. I had a Keurig kind of one cup coffee machine that I really enjoyed.

I'm a one cup kind of guy. I don't need more than that. I'm sensitive to caffeine. need more than that. I'm sensitive to caffeine. But I was kind of pouring in the water in the top and it just let out the grossest death rattle. And I just kind of took it to the garbage because the sound was so definitive. It was just like, blah, I'm broken. Like it was just, I guess I could have tinkered a little bit, but it felt so definitive to me. It felt like performing CPR on the dead body. Sure. Just so kids know you did all you could. Yeah.

So in order – and I have not replaced the Keurig yet. So I've been kind of going out for coffee before work, which is a great way to see who is walking around West Hollywood around 7 in the morning. And it's always pretty delightful. And yesterday I was in the crosswalk with a straight-up goth guy. I guess we're talking like Matrix goth here. Kind of long black coat, studs, big combat boots, glasses. And he had like a messenger satchel with like an anime penis demon on it. Sure.

You know these anime penis demons. Of course, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So he had all this looking really tough but also riding a razor scooter. How old was this gentleman? This guy, I'm going to guess mid-20s. So not a teen. So not a teen, but I wonder what – I guess what I'm curious about is the tone with which he was riding the Razor Scooter.

Is it a joke? Is he earnestly riding it or what? Like is there a way – like does he think in his world where he's kind of fighting in a post-apocalyptic future, is this his, like, battle scooter, you know? Was he a heavier gentleman? He was not heavy. He was lean. Oh. Scrappy.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. But still, that doesn't mean he had a good amount of cardio going for himself. That's true. He smoked a lot of cigarettes. Yeah. So maybe it's that thing where it's like, yes, it looks cooler if I'm just, you know, I'm shambling down the lane. Sure.

With my cape flying behind me. Right. Like death himself. Mm-hmm. But I kind of want to get there. Yeah. You know? Now, was the scooter painted black?

The scooter was, no. This was a traditionally colored razor scooter. So chrome. Yeah. Chrome. I guess he maybe could have swiped it. And it's also kind of that thing of people are going to laugh anyway. Yeah.

I might as well just scoot around. It doesn't matter. Sure. This thing works. I don't feel like goths do things ironically. I feel like they're very sincere, right? Yeah. But that's, I don't know.

That's a tricky one. Yeah, it is. I mean, I guess when you're a goth, you have to know that basically anything you're doing is incongruous because you are making yourself up to look like you are not of this world. Sure. That's true. But then you're doing something that implies you've been to Target,

which is riding a razor scooter. Yeah. Well, you know, I wear dark on the outside because that's how I feel inside. Sure. I believe it's the Morrissey lyric. So I think, you know, I have a scooter under me because hell is above me. I don't know the dichotomy there. I don't know how that works. Yeah, I've heard that.

I just think it's not. Maybe the scooter is the only way to outrun Satan. I think it's literally just a not giving an F. Just like you can laugh and point you want, but I get around in this thing and I love it. I love it. And I think that's probably closest for me. That rationally is the only reason. can laugh and point you want but yeah i get around in this thing and i i love it and i love it and i think that's probably closest for me is that like it's that rationally is the only reason like no joke yeah i think that's why that guy was on that and i guess if you are going if you are going for

a look like that you maybe have a maybe a little bit of a persecution complex probably you know could be legitimate yeah not legitimate bring it on like You want to laugh at me? What else you got? Here's a reason. I don't care. Yeah, and also had a pacifier in. Yeah, sure. Sure. Just always blowing one of those New Year's Eve blowers. I was like, fuck it. Yeah.

Oh, God. Like a scary. Yeah. Oh, man. One of those death metal guys. Sure. Like a sleeveless tee and a huge long black beard and straggly hair in their eyes. Yeah.

Just a pull out. Just one. Just a New Year's noise maker. Blur. With the angriest look on their face. I don't know how to be around you. What do I do? Yeah.

I mean, it clearly freaked me out. Yeah, sure. I'm still thinking about it a day later. Yeah, you're talking about it on the air now, man. Yeah. Yeah. I mentioned this on another podcast I was on. Whoa.

So. Yeah, see? The legend continues on another podcast I was on. Whoa. So. Yeah. See? The legend continues. So the legend of Scooter Goth. Scooter Goth. He hears this. What if he hears it and he's like, that was me?

I'm Scooter. Yeah. Okay. That's amazing. If there's anybody around, you know, the LA, greater LA area, can you see Scooter Goth? Yeah. I could just see this guy like at the counter in his kitchen listening to podcasts. He listens to a lot of them.

Of course. And he's got a knife he's about to cut himself with. Not kill himself. Sure. Just a feel. A little bit of a cutter. Just a feel. And he's about to cut himself, and you just said that.

And he puts his knife down and calmly goes, no, I've made my mark. Today I've made my mark. He razors away. He razors away. That's beautiful. Guys, I think we just solved the mystery of Scooter Goth. I'm okay with that being the explanation. I think we're making a difference.

I can sleep easy tonight. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Hey, everybody. I'm Emily. And I'm Lisa. Baby Geniuses air removal, conflict resolution, Santa, meditation, babies, modern dinosaurs, bullying, crop circles, the Beatles, middle-aged men, experts, teens, life hacking, rhyming, baby talks, personal organization, the named extra, Frasier, extreme eating, groceries, being a best friend, movement, jam, art education, America's funniest home videos, stockbroking, spooky stories, genealogy, riddles, Pinterest, IT, magic, revenge, mothering, dogs, ayahuasca, Hollywood legends, street racing, fitting in, celebrity sex, the occult, personal training, the ocean, Dennis the Menace, modern poetry, sugar gliders, Jimmy Buffett, Franks, The Tonight Show with Gunn, Johnny

Carson, Mountain Dew, Theme Park Safety, Dinner Parties, Butterflies, Raccoons, Pasta Shaves, and Bob Dylan. Join us every other Monday! Yay! It's Jordan and Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Jesse Thorne out taping a segment for a television pilot. He will be back next week, presumably, unless the thing just takes off and then he says fuck podcasting, which is entirely possible. Uh-oh. Because I think that's what we're all waiting for, just that opportunity to say fuck podcasting.

Yeah. Built this little mini empire and throw it away. Yeah. Throw it away for the comfortable existence of an actor. Yeah. Watch it burn. Yeah. Screw it.

We've got a Coke party to go to at Brian Grazer's house. It's all that matters. Snort. What wife and kid? Send him a check every month. That's fine. I'll be in Bali with Leonardo DiCaprio. High-fiving on a yacht.

So, Allegra, I've been wanting to have you on the program for some time because I very much enjoy your writing in The Vice magazine. Thank you so much. And you have – you do these segments in Vice from time to time where the premise is they sent me to a this. Yes. How do you – now, how does one get in the pool for they sent me to do this writers? Are you just like I'm a very open person who is slightly out of place in various places? Well, kind of. And I will say also I'm not the person who goes to like the weirdest stuff or does the weirdest stuff.

Right. You don't have a guy for that. OK. There's a guy who like gets his balls stepped on and stuff. They have one go to guy where it's like someone need to put do we need to try some kind of ass thing like we have a guy for that. Okay. There's a guy who gets his balls stepped on and stuff. They have one go-to guy where it's like, someone need to put, do we need to try some kind of ass thing? Like we have a guy. It's not me. It's a young guy who I worry about a little bit, but he has a good ass.

That has a very elastic rectum. Exactly. So for me, they actually just kind of started asking me to do that stuff after I had written for them for a couple years, maybe. But mostly they, if it's something I'm interested, I'll pitch it. Like I went to a pet expo that I really just wanted to realm of like covering sort of women's topics, feminism, the marriage industrial complex, I guess. Okay. I have not heard the phrase the marriage industrial complex. Is that something that people use? Yeah, kind of. I'm not going to say it's super common.

I'm not going to say that was their words. But it is a phrase I have heard and I rather like it. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I think it's relatively new, but I think we've all known what that is all of our lives pretty much. Is it the idea that weddings are getting out of control and everyone's just keeping up with the Joneses and they make you feel like you have to spend a bazillion dollars? Is that what it's alluding to? Exactly.

And I'm sorry. Wedding industrial complex I think is more accurate. Sure. Wedding industrial complex I think is more accurate. Sure. Yeah, I think it's that exactly where it's like there's this pressure to spend a gazillion dollars at your wedding where it's – you have to have flowers and you have to have whatever else, this and that. And just kind of the idea that you have to spend money to like have a happy wedding. I was talking to someone about their wedding and spending a lot of money on it. And the thing they had to draw the line on was a spotlight with like an outline that

projected their names on the dance floor. Sure. Like that's where they're like. That's the line. We wanted to have that, but it was just the most expensive thing to have a spotlight project our names. It's obscene. I used to work in banquets.

I was like a banquet captain for a while back in Chicago. And like just the amount of money, you know, I would just look at this amount and, you know, I wouldn't get anything but like a bit of a tip kind of thing. But it's just like, yeah, this isn't cool. And the thing that people, they hang everything on that day. Exactly. It's a big thing. And people know that.

And they'll charge you for that. It's always the everything has to be perfect. It will not. Things will go wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Someone will puke.

Someone will puke and maybe it'll be in a tasteful way. Maybe it'll not be in a tasteful way. So tell me about the Wedding and Marriage Expo. Where is this thing? Well, it actually is a – is it called a traveling expo? I'm not sure. They've had it several places. The one I went to was downtown at the convention center, which I'd never been to.

It was very overwhelming. So it was in one of the halls there next to like there was like a dinosaur exhibit in one hall and then like the Bride Expo in another hall. Okay. So there were kids with little dinosaurs walking around. Is there a way to combine the two? It would have made it a lot more interesting for me, honestly. I would like there to be. You should be able to get married by like a little raptor in a top hat.

Yeah, I know. You could probably pay a bunch of money for that, I'm guessing. Seems like that's a service they should offer. With all these like quote unquote geek wedding stuff now, I feel like there's like – I saw this like you did like Game of Thrones wedding online the other day. I feel like there's like some sort of like very custom thing. Like we got married by a dinosaur. You could probably pay for it. Sure.

And we were dressed as cavemen because they existed side by side, guys. Come on, for real. Like a statement wedding. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Like, listen, we're young earth creationists. You better be on that,

like, team because, you know, your creationist wedding leads to a divorce. Ooh. That's a bad scene and maybe you get wise and you're like,

mm, that's a tough one to bring up to someone you're dating after the fact. Sure. Here's the thing I need to tell you. At a creation're like, that's a tough one to bring up to someone you're dating after the fact. Sure. Here's the thing, I need to tell you, I had a creationist wedding.

Where are you going? Please, please, please. Please come back. Yeah. It's like, oh, what was your longest relationship? Oh, you know, I lived with a guy for two years

and, you know, he just wasn't ready to come in. Just talked about it. You know, we're still friends. Oh, yeah, I had a young earth creationist wedding where I was dressed as a caveman. Yeah, for years I convinced myself that dinosaur bones were left behind as a way to test my Christianity.

I just told myself, please believe that. You know, I was young. And I eventually fell apart. Yeah. Wait, where are you going? I'm also a big moon guy. I have lots to offer. You know what the rest of your Uber ride?

Want the rest of your hairless? I think we just did a Herald right then. Yeah, exactly. Yes. The prestige. Anyway. So what were the weird things that they were trying to tell people you need at your wedding? Ice sculptures stand out as one of the biggest things.

Oh, sure. I think those probably especially come into play at the geek wedding. You need an R2-D2. You need a TARDIS. That's true, yeah. Well, I think that would be more interesting than the ones they were pitching, which were just kind of stuff like swans and hearts and that kind of thing. Okay. I'm not saying anyone needs an ice sculpture.

Sure. But, yeah, ice sculptures, they were really pushing. I accidentally— But if you can have a Groot. If you have a Groot. If you can get a Groot. That would be pretty cute, to be fair. Okay, that's the one I would accept. I think that would be cute.

I accidentally ended up talking to who I did not realize was a timeshare salesperson for a very long time because I didn't know what she was selling because she wouldn't quite say it. Really? And I was trying to be nice, and she was very nice. And I didn't know what she was selling because she wouldn't quite say it. Really? And I was trying to be nice. And she was very nice. And I was like, where is she going with this? Sure. And then like 20 minutes later, she was like, do you want to come to a brunch?

And I was like, I guess. Like there? Like that day? No, like that weekend. Okay. And I was like, I don't know, maybe. I don't know. I like brunch.

Yeah. I was like, well, who, you know. I don't, maybe i don't know brunch yeah i was like well who you know i don't just it's fine and then she like i was like okay well you and your boyfriend can blah blah and i was like okay and then i was like i'm gonna have to ask my boyfriend like that was my excuse to get out of it no sure it's not a bad one thank you why not why not it's a great excuse uh and then she goes i'm just i'm just a hysterical woman who has a hard time making decisions whatever it takes yeah i would have done the same thing you know what i mean yeah man it's a great excuse And then she goes, no. I'm just a hysterical woman who has a hard time making decisions. Whatever it takes.

You know how men are. I would have done the same thing. You know what I mean? Yeah, man. It's a great excuse. Yeah. He's not there. He gave me the credit card one weekend and I just bought all kinds of shoes.

So now I don't get to do that anymore. I can't be trusted. But then she said. It's all these emotions. Exactly. And the tides. Ugh. So I said that.

I thought I was off scot-free. And she said, no, you can come by yourself. And I was like, I don't think you'll let me do that. And I walked away. Nice. So she thinks you're in an abusive relationship. Yes, because I have a real psycho of a boyfriend. And here's the thing.

If she's a timeshare salesperson or whatever, which is just notoriously terrifying people. Sure. Because they're kind of just like, ah, like we mentioned being thirsty before. They're like the thirsty. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. To buy timeshares.

Sure. It's a money pit. Right. So this person must be like, oh my God. And it seems like. She's susceptible. Oh, she has someone that already controls her brain. Oh God, if I can get him on my side.

Oh, come on, Gil. Come on, Gil. Just get this sale. Close the deal. At this place in Boca Raton. I didn't realize people had timeshares anymore. That seemed so, like, outdated to me, but I'm not hip to the timeshare scene, so maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, I mean, I'm not that familiar, but any time I've been on vacation, you know, growing up with my parents, the timeshare person is always just the most

unwelcome. Now come by, it's a free breakfast, and then you sit there for four hours. I have weird hair. Okay. It's just always not a pleasant situation. No, it doesn't sound like it. No. Did you see anything that you thought

was cool? Was there anything where you're like, maybe I do. Maybe I would. You know, one day if I decide to tie the knot. I wish I could say I did. I mean, they had a lot of discount wedding dresses. I will say if I ever get a wedding dress, I'd want to do it cheaply. Sure.

They just have a little bin of wedding dresses you can root through. That'd be amazing. These were all slightly on fire. Don't ask why. But they're 10% off. They did. Well, they had a big, like, racks and racks and racks of wedding dresses in the back where people, and people were, like, frantically trying on wedding dresses. And I thought I could do it for the sake of journalism and be like, then I'd try it on

a dress. But I was, like, hot and thirsty because there was no water there. I couldn't find water anywhere. I don't know why. I don't know if that's a tactic. Here's what I'm surprised. I would think that every fucking one of these booths would have cucumber water at it. Thank you.

That's what I thought. And you know what else I thought? I thought there would be a lot of free champagne and a lot of free cake. Yeah. And we got neither of those things. See, that's some BS. Yeah, that's a damn shame. Like what are we doing here?

You know what? It makes me think, are the ice sculptures for sucking on? Because I would just put my mouth on a swan neck or a dolphin's face. Maybe I should have. I'm thirsty. I'm that height. I need to suck the moisture from this.

You could put this little bottle nose right inside of my mouth. Yeah, you could do it. I'd really have to reach. Yeah. But maybe that's how they get you. Just lick around the blowhole.

Just get some of the pools in the blowhole. The amount of people in that room that would rethink their weddings just for this. Ew.

Never mind. Maybe marriage is a lie. I don't know if I love you. Maybe love is fake. It's just controlled by impulses. Look at that guy licking that dolphin's face. I'm married by a fat Elvis in Vegas.

Let's just do that. And when we were talking about your vice writings, you said something that surprised me was that you apparently – you still get Gamergate stuff? I do. It's very interesting. What was your article that you wrote to poke that unpleasant bear? Well, back in August last year, I wrote an article about Vivian James who is basically a character created by 4chan. She's kind of their like ideal woman she's supposed to be like a video game character who uh she like drinks mountain dew and she wears a hoodie and she's

cool and she plays video games like she doesn't like give me a bunch of bullshit like you know sure regular women yeah uh get a job babe but under the hoodie she's laura croft right yeah sure okay just as long as that. Okay, sorry. Go ahead. Don't worry. I'm unfamiliar. I assumed that. Thank you for asking, Matt.

I assumed that, but I'm glad someone said it. So now we can all. I'm doing a bit. Please continue. Please continue. So my editor at Vice said, oh, there's this. It wasn't yet a huge story, really. It was right before it kind of broke. And he was like, oh, there's this – it wasn't yet a huge story really. Like it had just kind of – it was right before it kind of broke and he was like, oh, there's this thing, this character Vivian James.

Can you just write a piece explaining who that is? And I said sure. And that's all it is. It explains the – explains who Vivian James is and the backstory to why 4chan created her and – which is basically to spite this woman Zoe Quinn Quinn, who created the game Depression Quest. It's very boring. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can, right. It's that thing. So that was back in August. Is there an agreed upon picture of this character? Like, is there one that everyone uses or is this like a? There's quite a few. There's an agreed upon, like, there is a – she looks – like there's definitely a character. Like she looks this way.

She has a striped hoodie and long red hair. Okay. And there's like a definite like thing. But there's like so much – I guess you would call it fan art of her. There's a million different drawings and whatevers of her everywhere. Some of them hypersexualized. Sure. I don't want to surprise anyone.

Really? I know. Really? I know. Really? I know. It's very disappointing. And is she at all – I mean, this is crazy.

I mean, she wouldn't be somewhere mashed up with various Pokemon, would she? I highly doubt it. That would be crazy. I highly doubt it. That was probably not something the internet would do. No. It could never happen. Yeah, yeah.

So that's what it was. And that was back in August. They got very mad about it. They called it – they called it bias. Not biased, but bias. I don't know what it was. For some reason, they kept saying, you guys are bias. Yeah.

I don't know what it was. It was this weird thing where I realized people don't – I don't know. Oh, you're trying to say biased. Yeah. What are you saying? Oh, bias. It just sounds disgustingly like an awkward stab at making up a new slang term. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe. That girl is so biased, man. Maybe. She's so biased, dude. That actually sounds kind of cool a new slang term. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. That girl is so biased, man. Maybe. She's so biased, dude. Well, that actually sounds kind of cool when you say it. Yeah. Well, that happens. Yeah.

If you put a little, yeah, I mean, if you, you know, if you sell it, if you sell it wronger style. I think that's a thing. Yeah. So biased. That's just so stupid. I don't know. Maybe we can make it.

Girl, you're biased. Stop. You are. Listen, I know this house looks messed up. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe we can make it happen. Girl, you're biased. Stop. You are. Listen, I know this house looks messed up. Don't get biased. There's some cool shit in here. That bias got me, like. And then you put up a picture of SpongeBob.

It all ends in a picture. Oh, yeah. With a real judgmental look on his face. That bias. That bias, though. I think we can make this cool. Yeah. But so you wrote this a while ago, but people are, like, rediscovering this to be mad at it?

Like, it's not like it's on the front page of Vice anymore. No, that's what's really interesting. And so every once in a while, it comes in waves. A couple weeks ago, I woke up to a bunch of angry tweets because – and I still haven't figured out where this was posted. woke up to a bunch of angry tweets because and i i still haven't figured out where this was posted on some sort of like gamer forum or something somewhere someone had posted it and so a bunch of people got re-angry about it and what i think is interesting is the i would guess that these are the type of people who are very up to the minute on like gamer news sure but they these like this specific wave of them didn't hear about it until months and months later.

Why? I don't know. I think it's a very – one of life's greatest mysteries. And they still feel the need to like get at you for it. Oh, they're so mad. Yeah. Yeah, and it's interesting because it's not like it's like one person. It's a bunch of them who then – and then a bunch more of them learn about it and then everyone's mad and like kind of soaking each other's flames yeah yeah uh it's

really interesting hmm yeah it's but i guess it is the phenomenon like how you know an old youtube video or you know those two cats who were in that box and someone wrote for asshole on it it's like how that will come back around every couple of months like hey have you seen this i'm like yeah i guess i've seen that. Yeah, that is true. But it is interesting. Like, I think you'd find that and you'd be like, oh, people know about this? Okay, I won't, you know, comment on this. Yeah.

I'm going to let this go. My time to do that has passed. Sure. You know, people will clown you. Yeah. Like, I've found stuff and be like, hey, have you got a seat? Oh, that's five years old? Okay.

But then you just kind of laugh at yourself and you move on. Yeah. Have you guys heard of this M&M? Yes, Dad. We've heard of M&M. It's rare that I've found something that's, you know, years ago, but only recently, that offends me. Yeah. I'm just like, hey, why the heck?

Come on. There are a lot of people out there with my perspective on things. A lot. I'm friends with a lot of them. We communicate online. It's a new era. We self-select, so we're only around people who think like we do. It's almost like people on the internet look for something to be mad about.

Now, let's not get so hasty. I know. Sorry. This is crazy. Shut up. Finally, you said something. I knew you would. I knew you'd say something like that.

Glass breaking. Awkward silence. Post, post, post. So what's your, do you just have a strict block policy with those guys? No, I barely ever block anyone. Oh, okay.

Interesting. Well, I will block the people, I will block people who are being really offensive or like misogynistic, but if it's just people talking at me, I don't block them. Unless they really are doing it like 16 times a minute or something crazy but uh i think

i've only blocked a couple people actually okay yeah and i think it's interesting that a lot of men don't even uh are just not aware uh and of course we are very uh privy to ignorance sure comes to uh women in general but it's like how much trolling and awful negativity women get from men on Twitter. I believe it. I believe it. It's insane. Yeah. From what I've understood from communicating with people online and friends I know,

and especially female comedians. Sure. You know, it's something that we should definitely take into account. Yeah, yeah. Take it easy, you know. It's not good. It's really crazy. It was just interesting because it's kind of like that kind of trollish person who is like angry about this thing.

Like the first thing they go to is like rape threats. It's like a knee-jerk response. Guys, guys, can we just start? Can we start lower than that? Yeah. Everybody, calm down. Can we start with a simple beating? Thank you.

Exactly. Yeah. Why does it have to get sexual? Yeah. I mean, they're probably all very young is my guess. No, that's absolutely right. You think? I remember being in high school and guys, you know, like as a girl on stage, like, ah,

you're going to get raped. Yeah. Because they don't, they have no concept of the violence and the horribleness of what that exactly is. Yeah. You know what I mean? Totally. It's one of those things.

And I'm not going, hey, boys will be boys. It's horrible. Yeah. Sure. Don't ever use that term, you know, as a threat is. Yeah. You know what I mean? Totally. It's one of those things. And I'm not going, hey, boys will be boys. It's horrible. Yeah, sure. Don't ever use that term, you know, as a threat ever. Yeah. That's the worst. But it is, it's just, that's, you, in your teen years, you are, you know, in my experience, you're at your angriest.

Oh, sure. Because you're still, you don't know what's going to happen next. You're about to be ejected out of the comfortable womb of high school into the real world and stuff. And it's just – you just don't know what you're saying in a lot of ways. Yeah. But it's still gross as fuck. Well, I think they don't – I don't think it's – I think it's people who just don't have an idea that that's like rape is like a real thing that people deal with. Exactly.

Like, yeah. Like, oh, you know, that's not – I think it just sounds like the same as saying I'm going to kick your ass or something like that. Yeah. And I think so. I think it is just something of like, you know, when you are online on a message board, you're just, you know, assuming that the only people seeing this are the other dudes on your message board. Oh, yeah.

And again, it's self-selecting. And it's just hitting the smart bomb on anything you disagree with. Right. Yeah. The nuclear option. Yeah. Every time. Right. Yeah. The nuclear option. Yeah. Every time. Right.

Yeah. I just wanted to go away. And yeah. I want to win. Go away. And burn the crops so nothing grows. Okay. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So, I mean, I think it's something that's like in this community, maybe just the joke is trying to – and I guess there's a little bit of that like you kind of know hanging out with comics. It's like you – there's kind of a language of trying to shock each other and you probably – you definitely probably say things in a dark bar with other comics that you wouldn't say at a family reunion. But yeah, and I think that these kids take that out into the real world and it just seems so terrible. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, and it's about motive. Like why are you threatening rape? Because you want this woman to shut up. Right, yeah, exactly. You know, if I'm being dark with a comic in a bar, we're generally not going, oh, I hate this person. Right, exactly. I hate him. Sure.

We're just being, you know, saying weird things. Yeah. And it's, you know, it's not. Yeah. And we won't go near rape, you person. Right, exactly. I hate them. Sure. We're just being, you know, saying weird things. Yeah. And it's, you know, it's not. Yeah. And we won't go near rape, you know. Yeah, exactly. Or violence or anything like that. It's kind of just making fun of people's foibles or whatever.

Yeah. You know, taking the piss out of you, as the British say. Sure. You know, that's all it is. And have you had any wedding trolls from your vicious takedown of the wedding industrial complex? No. Well, the closest I came to having a wedding troll was one woman said – because there's this through line in my article. So while I was at the wedding expo, I got my palm read because I had never done it.

I thought it would be interesting. There's a palm reader there. And the idea is that she would come to your wedding and read the palms of the guests? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think that's what it was. Okay. Anyway.

My guess is that she was there just because people would want to be like, oh, you know, tell me what to do for my, I don't know. Oh, sure. A pivotal time in my life. Sure, sure. I don't know, though. Someone's there because they're in a decision-making mode. Exactly. I don't think she was available for hire at weddings, but now I don't know.

So I got my palm read and she said, you're going to marry the guy you're seeing within three years. And so I put that as kind of a through line in my article, like, oh, maybe I, you know, like, I'm not a believer, but maybe this is an interesting thing, whatever. Sure. And I mentioned in the article that I'd been dating my boyfriend for two months, and this woman was like, if your boyfriend sees this article, he's going to think you're a fucking psycho. And I was like, well, and then in my mind, I was like, no, that's not true. And then I was like, no, maybe she's right.

Do I seem like a psycho? So then I texted him and was like, hey, it was a really long text. I was like, I don't think we have to get married in three years, but this lady said, I don't know. But there was a star lady at the wedding show who said that. Yeah. But then a little fight in the comments ensued because someone else was like, well, she only said that she was thinking about it.

She didn't say she believed it. And then the people kept arguing about whether or not I was a psycho. Okay. Oh, wow. It was kind of boring. Did they come to a consensus? Are you a psycho? Now, did – yes.

Like let's get down to it. Did they figure that out without meeting you? Because I think – The most wasted bit of energy ever. Let's talk about this person either one of us has seen or met. I think – Well, I think – You're both idiots.

Listen, we've decided she's a psycho. Okay, close. We the jury. Okay, close. It is kind of flattering, though. People are really deliberating whether I'm a psycho. Yeah. Jesus.

Well, hey, guys, we've solved two mysteries here today so far. The legend of Scooter Goth. Yeah. And we've decided definitively that Allegra is a psycho. Yeah. Well, I thought not not i said not no but she went to the wedding show i've known her for at least they've only been going out for two months at least 35 minutes three years later you know someone reader said and then jordan you should

be raped god we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Allegra Ringo, possible psycho. I'm Matt Bronger, the skinniest hippopotamus. So I wanted to talk about this for a second. I've been at the job that I have writing for At Midnight for almost a year now. It's almost my kind of year anniversary of working there.

Congratulations. And I think I had – I thought I was doing a good job of not humiliating myself. I had a pretty good stretch of not being totally embarrassed in front of everyone in the office. myself, I had a pretty good stretch of not being totally embarrassed in front of everyone in the office. You know, hadn't farted at a meeting, hadn't jacked off at the Christmas party. You know, like just... I've accidentally done that so many times. Oh, boy. It's ridiculous.

I mean, yeah. Got to know one for it. Sure, sure. Don't invite him. Old Bronner will whip it out. Hey. Accidentally. Whoops.

Starts with him tongue in the eye sculpture. Oh, that dolphin. Don't get eye sculpture. Oh, that dolphin. Don't get me started. Oh, I know. He's so melty. He's melting gradually. But it happened the other day. I had my big holy shit, what an idiot moment.

And I just kind of wanted to share it and see if you guys maybe A, had a comparable experience. I bet you haven't. Or B, if you kind of have any advice for me moving forward. So for the show, during like the rehearsal, the host, Chris Hardwick, will be out there kind of reading through the script. And a couple of the writers will kind of sit in the audience where the audience will be during the live taping. And if, you know, something isn't working or something sounds weird or they want some options, the writers will kind of just like yell out alternate jokes or punch lines or wording or something like that.

So, you know, they can just kind of get options and see what gets gets a reaction. And it's kind of like, you know, there's the stage and I kind of want to paint this picture is that there's a stage and then it's kind of like, you know, there's the stage, and I kind of want to paint this picture as that there's a stage, and then it's kind of like out, you know, in a dark void the writers sit. And, you know, you can't really – and it's a big room, so you kind of – you got to yell. If you've got one of these things, you got to yell, you know. Yeah, just, hey, it's this.

This is the thing. You know, so it's that. Sure. And so we were reading through a piece of text, just a classic late night comedy joke about having sex with a gorilla. Sure. And I think the joke was that Hardwick was saying like caring for a gorilla is a lot like sex with me. You're not supposed to make eye contact. Sure. caring for a gorilla is a lot like sex with me. You're not supposed to make eye contact. You know.

Sure. Yeah. And he understandably was like, can we make this about – could this be like a joke about a celebrity or something? Do I have to be saying this about myself? And we're like, oh, okay. Maybe we can make it. And then – so we're kind of like, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Then I got it. I'm like, I got it. I got this. I've got the perfect celebrity to throw into this. So I just yell from the back, Kristen Stewart. Kristen Stewart. And nothing. The air leaves the room.

And then I remember a conversation I had maybe four months ago. Her dad is the stage manager. And so I'm sitting there, no one's saying anything and you just hear someone from the back go whoa, that's a little close to home. Just a random crew guy says this. It was the worst.

It was the worst. I have not the guy in question who is the nicest guy in the world. He is. He's a sweet dude. Super fun dude.

A sweet guy. Has never, you know, has never been a problem. Is a sweet guy. And just everything was wrong about that. Like everything was wrong about the joke. Like it was just the worst joke to make in front of someone's parent. Yeah. Yeah.

Like it was just the worst joke to make in front of someone's parent. Yeah. Yeah. So can anybody beat it or what do I do? A, no. Yeah. I think probably my closest thing would be the innumerable times I've done an hour of comedy with my fly down. Okay.

You know? Sure. Where people are just tittering and laughing and I don't know why. Mm-hmm. The parts that aren't necessarily funny. You're like. ah, damn it. But I honestly think let it go. Sure. Don't talk to him about it.

If he wants to talk to you about it, he'll come to you. Sure. I'm sure he's very secure at this point, and I mean that. I'm not being sarcastic. Sure, sure. Because it's like she's been in the news a lot. Yeah. A lot.

People have said way worse things. Sure. And you didn't say something like, oh, yeah, she screws like a monkey or something like that. Right. You know, it was just she's a mysterious person. Sure. Who kind of projects an air of strange edginess. Sure.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And I'm sure he's aware of that. Yeah. I mean, and I think, right, and I don't think it was the first time him hearing a joke like this. I'm sure she was, you know, kind of a moody kid. I'm sure at some point, you know, she was like, can I have some cookies? No, hon.

It's like an hour till dinner. Well, that's not the answer I wanted, Dad. What? Hey, stop looking at me like that. You know, I'm sure there were moments like that. Yeah, Cuban Iversong. You're a little too intense. Yeah.

I'm taking you to the Strasburg Institute to work on this. Sure. Let's let you focus that toward a vampire. You sound like you're going to be a good, intense actor you are. Yeah. But it was a real, like, moment for me of, like, you know, as comedy people, we sit around and goof on celebrities as part of work, but also they have families. And also their families could be sitting right there and they could be hearing this.

All of them work in this town. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty rough. But I agree with Matt. I don't think it was super personal to her. Right. I feel like you needed a celebrity.

You thought of a celebrity. Sure. You forgot her dad was in the room. Sure. It happens to the best of us. He could at least be walking around, like, in a Twilight shirt or just a Christine Stewart is my daughter hat or something like that. Just so we don't forget. Right.

And embarrass ourselves. Yeah, but you don't know. There could be a guy who, you know, works the jib who's related to someone a lot more embarrassing. Well, yeah, I hope not. You don't know. and it's like it's a pop culture based show sure you weren't working on six feet under that would be a little bit inappropriate what are you talking about let's take a shot at kristen stewart here come on guys right with a gorilla yeah what this is a morbid explanation nuanced drama sure and stop. Do you even work here? If I feel like, you know,

any of our shit on the show has been getting back to either Gary Busey or Guy Fieri's family, I'm going to feel real bad. Yeah, they can handle it. Sure, okay. They're fine. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But yeah, it was strange, and I feel like I have been minding my celebrity P's and Q's lately just because like just that humiliation is so potent every time I think about it.

But I don't know. I don't know if I – how far I should – because it is part of the job is goofing on pop culture and people. Yeah, I mean, you know, I did Chelsea Lately for a couple years when that was still on. And one of the things that was kind of my rule of thumb was I never ripped on a celebrity in an obvious way. Like, oh, Lindsay Lohan, what a druggie. Ha ha. Like, I don't know this person. She'll be dead soon anyway.

Yeah, hilarious. But it's like, you can make fun of people in an abstract way. And I think that's what you did. Sure. I agree. You didn't necessarily have anything wrong with her. Thank you. Thank you.

She's a very you did. Sure. I agree. You didn't necessarily have anything wrong with her. Thank you. Thank you. She's a very intense person. Sure. Just from, I don't know her personally, but like just the way she projects herself. Right. So. Yeah, sure. It's an intense mystery. Thank you.

Thank you for justifying. And here's another weird thing, kind of a side note. I remember, I've talked with friends about working with very famous people. And it is. We've compared it to, Johnny Pemberton and I compared it to working with a wild animal. And not because the animal will attack you, but just the power you feel

sitting next to, say, a gorilla or a tiger. Yeah. Even if it's trained. You're just like, all right, don't make any fast moves. You're very sensitive to how you act because this person can not only fire me, but make it so I could probably never work again.

Sure. Do you know what I mean? I could get labeled difficult kind of thing. So there is that. And not that Kristen's like that. But that's what it made me think of, of the thing. And I didn't work with one, but Krista Flanagan on MADtv when I was on there worked with a baboon.

Wow. We did these fake dating scenes. Like, this will be those things where you stand next to. We found love. It was always something absurd. Like I was a Mormon guy with like five sister wives and they're all on ropes. And like she was next to an actual baboon. And she's like, at first it was weird, but he's very protective.

And like the baboon's just sitting there. And at one point, like, and they cleared the set of almost everybody, you know, just to calm the baboon down, make it feel safe. And the baboon at one point just put his arm around her. And we're all like, oh, but she just like a pro just kept going. And then the baboon was cool. They let it away. The baboon was just making a choice. The baboon was just making an acting choice.

Just going, look, feel comfortable. I know I'm a baboon, but just it's okay. Yeah. I'm not going to attack you. I'm cool. I've had a lot of bananas. We're from the same, you know, general phylum. Yeah.

Right, right, right. But yeah, sorry. We're all mammals here. We all got thumbs. Look, we're all mammals here. Let's just calm down. Yeah. It's not like there's any dirty reptiles in the audience.

That's a little close to home. He's been like, oh, we're all mammals here. Yeah, so now I think all the jokes should just be directed at, you know, just things that I know are not going to be in the room. Like, you know, insects, reptiles. Reptiles. Yeah, just zoo animals. Yeah, really just fucking take those zoo animals down a peg. Jerks.

Well, L.A. is such a weird place because it's like the kind of place where when you think you see a celebrity, it really is them. And it's like celebrities' parents are in the room. Yeah. You kind of forget that you live in this really unique place where, oh, that can happen. Like this isn't an abstract person to the people in this room. Yeah. That's a real person. I don't know.

You forget. It's a weird place we live in is the point I'm trying to make, you guys. I don't want to get controversial. So wait a minute. But live in is the point I'm trying to make, you guys. I don't want to get controversial. So wait a minute. But it's exactly the same as New York though, right? It's exactly the same? Well, see, that's the strange thing about New York versus L.A. is the thing I've heard is, you know, Justin Timberlake can walk down the street in New York and people don't bother him.

Here he gets mobbed. Right. It's the weirdest thing. And New York is so much more crowded together. I don't know. thing and New York is so much more crowded together I don't know maybe it's that thing of well let's not crowd them

we'll cause a traffic jam for five blocks right exactly in LA no problem yeah it's fine we got a pretty empty sidewalk here I can pitch him ten screenplay ideas are you outlining these? what? come on Justin I love the thing I get a kick out of

is seeing the guys the men the older ones especially of Mad Men cast. Oh, yeah. Just wearing like REI stuff. Yeah. Like, hey, what are you doing? Sure. Go put on a fine suit. Come on, at least put on a –

Go find a suit I'll never find. At least put on a fun polo. Light up a cigarette. Get yourself a bourbon. Cut it out. I think – yeah. I mean, Jon Hamm, I mean, obviously is under the most pressure. I always think he does a pretty good job

of being photographed, at least in something Draper-esque. Sometimes. Yeah, he's a stylish guy. Definitely everybody else, you'll see a picture of them in a hoodie or something. Come on! So ridiculous. Yeah.

But yeah, that's fun. Ah, boy, I'm going to miss that show. It's the best. What am'm going to miss that show. Yeah. Yeah, it's the best. Aw. I know. What am I going to watch, guys?

What am I going to aspire to? Yeah. Yeah, what's next? Better Call Saul? Yeah. I've been enjoying that. Yeah. No, that's been fun so far.

All right, guys. Well, we've solved three big problems. Yes. Legend of Scooter Goth. Mm-hmm. We figured out that Allegra is a psycho. She is, Matt. Look, don't make me threaten to make love to you again.

And we figured out that I was right in making that horrible joke about a co-worker's daughter. I like how you're throwing us under the bus with you. We all decided. I do that show, Jordan. Come on. I work directly with that guy. No, you said it's okay. No, I did not. Next time you see him, directly with that guy. No, you said it's okay. No, I did not.

Next time you see him, I'm going to tell him that you said it was okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, this is Pop Rocket. We're your source for all pop culture information. It's an intellectual and incredibly snark-filled discussion about pop culture by five Frankie Hollywood 30-somethings. No name-calling, no rudeness,

just straight talk and a lot of role-play. I'm only 30-something for another year. Me too. And I don't tell anybody I'm 30-something. Pop Rocket comes out

every week from MaximumFun.org. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Allegra Ringo, Loose Cannon Cop. I'm Matt Bronger waiting over here in the corner for you to validate your parking. Well, I've told you when I'm done with the podcast. Please hurry. Okay. We're almost done. It's my other job. The second to the last segment.

I'm sorry you're having to do this to make ends meet. It's embarrassing that I work here. Allegra's sitting there, you know, knowing this about me. It was only supposed to be me and Allegra. Whenever you guys are ready. Okay. Whenever you're ready. One more segment. We're going to do momentous occasions. Okay. Then we're going to do the wrap-up segment Whenever you guys are ready. Okay. One more segment. We're going to do momentous occasions. Then we're going to

do the wrap-up segment, say goodbye, plugs, and then we'll do the parking thing. Fair enough. Okay. Thanks. So just fucking get off my ass. One second. We have two more podcast segments. One second, sir. Yeah, fucking Range Rovers, right? I mean, it's probably a prick in there. Of course.

Screw him. From time to time, and from time to time, I mean every single episode, we like to dip into our phone mail bag for a segment we like to call Momentous Occasions. Brian, why don't you roll the first call? Hey, JJ Goh. This is Mikey from Winnipeg, Canada, calling with you on Momentous Occasions. I'm working on a live production here at our local convention center. When I left my post to go use the washroom, and as I entered, I noticed that there was a young boy

and his father standing outside. As I pushed the door open, another young boy left the washroom, and I turned around just in time to hear the one boy say to the other, hey, you made it, at which point they jumped, high-fived, and walked away.

Awesome. Thanks, guys. So wait, to the bathroom? Is that maybe what they were high-fiving about? I think, yeah, the one young boy had just left a stall. I had a little bit of... And then the dad and the... Well, I mean, he was broadcasting live from a play school, I think, right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just nothing but kids, you know, joking around. But yeah, and then the other kids saw that the first kid used the bathroom and congratulated him. Hey, I mean, I think that's just Canada for you, though. Maybe that is. You know, I think they're just so polite and congratulatory that they're just fucking high-fiving about everything. But it's like, do you high—to me, it's that thing, you know, when a kid does his or her first potty-trained bowel movement.

Sure. You know, in a little baby stall. Hey, who's a big boy? You did it. Who's a big boy? I did it. Yeah. But I don't think they'd high five.

If anything, they'd do that baby overhand slap that they do and just hit each other in the face accidentally. That would be good. You know that thing where a baby doesn't like another baby? That would be good. The hand goes high and goes down. Yeah. This goes right down like an ax. Yeah.

Yeah. But these kids seemed nine to me. Yeah. I think they seemed nine. I thought like five or axe. Yeah. No. But these kids seemed nine to me. Yeah. They seemed nine. I thought like five or six. Yeah. Although maybe that's what I was wondering.

That could be just a Canadian thing. Maybe the kids potty train, you know. Later? Maybe they wear diapers longer. I don't know anything about Canada.

If you told me Canadian children wear diapers to the age of five, I would believe you. Hmm. That would explain Drake. Yeah, I would have to. What? It's so random. I just like, I would believe you. That would explain Drake. Yeah, we'd have to... It's so random.

Yeah, it's been everything. I just like, I'm back to taking shots at celebrities. There you go. You do it. Drake's dad is in the room. Oh, fuck. Sorry, Mr. Drake. He's the engineer.

I didn't mean to. He's laughing. He's laughing. I see you there. All right. He's a good sport, Mr. Drake. Yeah. Gary's all right.

Gary Drake, father of Drake. Brian, we got anything else in there? Hi Jordan, Jesse and guests My name is Lisa from Vancouver And I want you guys to give my husband A momentous occasion That will happen when you post this show I did just take a pregnancy test That was positive

But that's not the momentous part My husband Paul, a big fan and supporter of all your Next Fun Network shows, and of course, JJ Go is his favorite. Can you guys give Paul this momentous occasion? Paul is just finding out as he hears this that he's going to be a dad for the first time.

And he did it while listening to your show. Lisa Bear is having a baby bear. Thanks, guys. Wow. Congrats. Hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. Your wife's knocked up.

She wanted me to give you that secret message. Wow. That's awesome. Check it out. There's going to be another little Canadian running around, high-fiving in bathrooms. Very, very cool. Yeah. A big Canadian fan base.

It's getting bigger by the moment. Oh, no one cares about the show in America. In Canada, we're bigger than Degrassi. Wow. Bigger than Degrassi. They call you maple syrup itself for the ears. That's right, yes. That's what they call you.

Yeah, it is the auditory equivalent of maple syrup. But yeah, I mean, I guess there's just a continuity issue I should point out is that the episodes with the Jesse is not on are not canonical. So this pregnancy does not officially count. Oh. So it's kind of a, yeah, it's kind of a what if. This is kind of a what if podcast. Okay. So, you know, I'd probably just tell your husband again at some point.

But husband, did they say they were married? I don't want to assume. Husband. I don't want to Dan Quayle Murphy Brown this lady. It wasn't, thank God, to the guy I met in the bus station. I think his name was Jake. I don't like that. His husband is obviously a committed relationship.

Yeah, while we were having sex in the toilet at Bonnaroo, he mentioned he liked podcasts, so I thought this was the best way to tell him. It's funny. When this played, I was like, well, we could go one of two ways. We can go congratulatory and make fun little jokes, or we can go a-hole morning zoo DJs, guys, who are just like,

oh, too bad, Paul. Your life's over. You know what? That's a fun angle. I think we already did congratulatory. Let's just pretend like we heard it again, and let's just take the morning zoo angle. I like that. I like that. It's just weird and mean. I. I like that. I like that. Okay. It's just weird and mean.

I'll start it out. What sound bed clip will we be playing? Just imagine this is Austin Powers. Yeah, baby. Oh, Paul. Fucking welcome to no sex town, buddy. Boom, boom, ba-boom. Meow. Price is right. You lost. Yeah, right.

Hey, hope your wife's vagina doesn't get too wide. Ha ha. Just kidding. Oh, it's a natural thing. Here's Nickelback. Great. Doesn't that feel disgusting? Yeah.

Pretending to be those guys. I'm glad I'm not a... Yeah. There but for the grace of God. Right. Right. I guess I could have parlayed my successful radio show into a morning zoo career glad i didn't guys the road less traveled i did because there are no podcasts no exactly so many

morning zoo people yeah yeah podcast there's probably seven left i think yeah they're all yeah they all like fight for scraps in an octagon somewhere yeah i'm sure um well that's great i think i mean is this and i mean again you know we, again, we'll have to confirm when Jesse is back because I guess can this be the official baby of Jordan Jesse Goh because his birth was announced on the show. And this is the first time that's happened, correct? I think so, yes. I think the first in the show's history. So maybe this is our Truman show. Maybe we periodically check in with this baby. Wow.

See how he's doing. Wow. Alright. You know what? Maybe it's not the official baby, but it's definitely the official Canadian baby. Well, I'm going to be in Vancouver the first weekend of March. So, yeah. I'll find that kid's house and set a bunch of cameras. We need the whole Truman Show thing.

Oh, that would be great. Thank you so much. I guess we don't really have to do anything else on the podcast. We can just, you know, monitor this baby 24-7. Yeah, sure. There's your show. Perfect.

Audio recordings of a baby. Everyone loves that. That is hot, I guess it'll be a fetus for a while, for a couple more months it'll just be the fetus. Well, if you have

a momentous occasion, give us a call 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone so when something momentous happens, you can give us a call. We'll be right back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Allegra Ringo, definitive psycho. Matt Ronger, understudy to Robin of Batman and Robin.

So if Robin is sick or something. Yeah, I put on the green tights. It gets killed by the Joker. Okay. Yeah. That's great. Exactly. So I think you're going to become a fan favorite Robin.

There's been Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne. I've been Robin two or three times and the reviews have not been good. Oh, boy. He keeps me around for sentimentality. That's nice of him. That's nice of Batman. I make him laugh. The other Robin's real severe.

Because you went to high school with Batman, right? No, I'm actually not that old. I was around three or four. Okay. You've got to be way younger than Batman. He's got like a thing. You know what I mean? Like he's asexual.

He won't make a move, but he just likes you around. Sure, exactly. He wants to watch you do push-ups. Oh, sure. Yeah. And that's the only way I'll do them. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, no.

Batman's yelling at you. I need a motivator. Batman looking at you making new push-ups. You'll do them. Hey, Bronner, you could probably stand to do a little upper body work. Why don't you do some push-ups? Thanks, Dark Knight. Guys, thank you so much for being on the program this week.

Thanks for having us. Hey, a little segment for some plugs. If you're listening to this early in the week and live in the Los Angeles area, I am doing the Side 1 Dummy Storyteller Show. Very hip way to get into this show. Secret location, but if you want

free tickets, two free tickets, just email s1dstorytellers at gmail.com. This is a real fun show where comics and musicians get together and tell crazy stories that revolve around music. s1dorytellers at gmail.com. This is a real fun show where comics and musicians get together and tell kind of crazy stories that revolve around music. S1DStorytellers at gmail.com. It is 8 o'clock on Tuesday somewhere in the Hollywood area. So if you think you can make that show, give them an email.

Also, the MaxFunDrive is coming up shortly. So get your donation fingers ready. I think we've got all kinds of cool stuff in the works, cool shows, bonus episodes for people who donate prizes, all that good stuff. Allegra, if people want to check out your stuff on the internet, where's a good place to go? The best place to find me is on Twitter. I'm at AllegraRingo, and I'll tweet you all my articles and other stuff there. Excellent. Greg Raringo, and I'll tweet you all my articles and other stuff there.

Excellent. Matt, your comedy special, Big Dumb Animal, available in various formats, vinyl forthcoming, but other formats for now. Yeah. And you can go to mattbronger.com, M-A-T-T-B-R-A-U-N-G-E-R.com. You can see where all the places I'm going up in March. I'm going to be in Vancouver, Austin, Texas for South by Southwest, and Kirkland, Washington, a place called Laughs. Boom. I think the two Fs?

If only. Yeah. Just Laughs. Just L-A-U. Traditional spelling. That's a good point. I like it. You know what you're getting.

Yeah. That's all. I think the mother of the official Jordan Jesse Goh Canadian baby should probably come to your show in Vancouver. At the comedy mix. And maybe you can lay hands on her belly or say a blessing or I don't know what you're comfortable doing. I'll put her and her husband and her baby on the list. Oh, okay. Because she can bring the baby in.

Yeah, it is a two-drink minimum. Alcoholic drinks. Gotta be. But it's Canada, so they're a little more impervious than we are. Yeah, they're strong fetuses. She can pound a couple Molson's and it won't affect that kid. Thank you. Yeah, have a little Labatt's.

He or she will get better at hockey when the baby's born. Yeah, the drunker the fetus, the better at hockey. It's probably tougher. Exactly. Yeah, it's the classic Canadian theorem. Exactly. So great. Yes, go over there, mattbronger.com. Listen to the album Canadian theorem. Exactly. So great. Yes.

Go over there. MattBronger.com. Listen to the album. Go see him on tour. Yeah. I think that is about it for Jesse Thorne. I've been Jordan Morris. Sonny D, the producer of the program, Love You by The Free Design, is our theme song from Light in the Attic Records.

Yeah. Discuss the show on Reddit. MaximumFun.reddit. dot com it's something like that we've got a forum facebook all that kind of stuff so visit us there leave a review in iTunes and just generally never stop talking about or promoting

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