Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 366: Vintage Coffee with Sarah Morgan

Episode Date: March 2, 2015

Writer Sarah Morgan joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of British candy, cronut knockoffs and Jesse's recent visit to a Salvation Army.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm your host, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Can I give it a little pause before I said I'm your host, Jesse Thorne, just to build the anticipation. So people could have a fraction of a second of thinking, oh, it didn't download! Oh, it didn't download! I was just thinking it would make the orgasm more powerful.

Oh, sure, yeah. You know? Like clenching? Yeah, exactly. Oh, nice, so you clenched it off. Yeah. You got to clench it off at the beginning. At the beginning, you clench it off a little.

I was also thinking about baseball. I think that sort of extends it, is my understanding from movies from the 1960s. Man, we are going to blast so hard at the end of this episode. It's good to be back. Good to be back. I enjoyed your show last week, Jordan. Congratulations on another successful program demonstrating that you don't need me. Happy to do it.

Yeah. I'm just here to make you feel expendable. Delightful. Oh, I mean, here to make you feel like one of the expendables. Gotcha. Like Kelsey Grammer. Yeah. Is Kelsey Grammer one of the expendables?

Yeah, he was in the third one. He's now one of the expendables. Does he perpetrate acts of violence? I didn't see the third one. Okay. I imagine he does. I mean, if you're in that movie and you're not, you know, opening up a can. Jordan, I don't mean

to, I don't mean for this, I don't want this to feel judgy at all. Sure. But you're my friend who would have seen The Expendables 3 and explained what happened in it. I was trying to rally, I was trying to rally people to go see it. No one would.

No one wanted to see Expendables. No one wanted to see John Wick. Fuck this. You know how sometimes... Fuck this toilet earth. You know how sometimes a billboard has a piece that extends off of it for someone's lifting a sword in the air or something like that? I feel like the Expendables three billboards just had wings on the sides just to accommodate

all the different people standing. Yeah, right. Just a long... Okay. Let's introduce our guest on the sides just to accommodate all the different people standing. Yeah, right. Just a long... Okay, let's introduce our guest on the program. She is a celebrated comedy writer and performer. She's the head writer of the hit MaximumFun.org show, International Waters. She's in Los Angeles taking meetings. Her name is Sarah Morgan.

Hi, Sarah. Hi, Jesse. How are you doing? We tricked Sarah into coming. Sorry, this isn't DreamWorks. Wait, I've got a picture. I mean, you can pitch it to us. We have no influence. I am wearing Brian Grazer-esque product in my hair.

So it is Imagine-like. Nice. In that sense. It's delightful to be in the box and hear Sunny D laughing through the glass. He is laughing. I've never experienced it before. All I had for breakfast was cocaine and Fiji water.

Something, I had a magical moment happen in my life earlier today. Do you want to tell us about it? No. Okay. I'm going to keep it to myself. I took my sense. We're just going to discuss. I had going to keep it to myself. I took my sense. We're just going to discuss. I had a magical moment.

Now let's just discuss what color that dress was. No personal shit. Just hot topics. You got a hot take on that dress. White and gold. Sorry. Really? Sorry, Obama. You know what? It. White and gold. Sorry. Really? Sorry, Obama.

You know what? It was white and gold for me. And then I later saw it and it was blue and black or whatever. Other way around for me. Other way around. That's enough of that. We've covered that topic fully. I took my son on what I like to call an adventure.

Sure. Earlier today. To see those escaped llamas? No. Jordan. Sure. Earlier today. To see those escaped llamas? No. Jordan. Hashtag enough. Yeah. An adventure for me and my three-year-old is, well, first we went to Staples.

Mm-hmm. Stood in line for a while to exchange my CO2 cartridges. Sure. It's an adventure because he's learning what it is to be a rude employee. Yes. Oh, God. There's no single

place in the world sadder than Staples on a Saturday. Ooh, I'm gonna go Kinko's. Kinko's is sadder? Yeah, Kinko's is... I mean... What about the Staples office center? That's right there in the Staples next to the netbooks. Sarah, what is the saddest- What is the saddest UK chain?

If you wanted to witness both employees and customers that are just at the fucking end of their rope, where do you go? Cafe Nero. It wants to be an American- That sounds decadent. Yeah. Doesn't it? Yeah. There's no an American. That sounds decadent. Yeah. Oh, doesn't it? Yeah.

There's no couches. There's no grape feeding. It is. It's, yeah. It's a coffee chain that wants to be an American one, which is always lovely and sad when that happens. They want to be American. Kinko's is a place people go to make photocopies. Yeah, I know this from your films.

It was probably in Baby Boom or something. I've heard of Kinko's is a place people go to make photocopies. Yeah, I know this from your films it was probably in Baby Boom or something I've heard of Kinko's I followed up it was a pretty thrilling trip to the Staples they had to go to the back to get some cartridges pro tip it's worth the extra 30 bucks each

to buy a couple extra cartridges so you have to make more infrequent trips to Staples to exchange them. What's a CO2 cartridge? It's for putting bubbles in drinks. Oh, like whippets? Yeah. So you have them.

Yeah. It's for doing whippets. Okay. Oh, the rave you and Simon, the adventure you guys were going to was a rave, right? Well, actually, first we were Oh, the rave you and Simon – the adventure you guys were going to was a rave, right? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, sure, sure.

Ultimately, we were going to a rave. Well, actually, first we were going to the dentist to have our wisdom teeth out. Oh, okay. Then we were going to the rave. Then we went to the Salvation Army, which was just a – that's a lot of – that's a fun thing to do with a kid, you know, because you go around and you can actually buy them a present. It doesn't matter.

It costs $3. Sure. Throw it away. Throw it away. Although we- What do you want, a VHS of Men in Black 2? Teresa threw away one of these, a toy that me and Simon got at the thrift store. And she told Simon that it's in the garage. And for the last week, all Simon can talk about is going to the garage to get this dump

truck. We don't know how we're going to talk our way out of this thing. Oh, wow. Can you find a similar dump truck? You mean like just – I actually tried that. I went to the pet store and got a new goldfish. Yeah. But he –

I think he'll probably know that it's a fish and not a truck. Yeah, right away. So I had sort of this guy kind of caught my eye in the parking lot, and he was sort of like a 26-year-old sort of bro-y dude with one of those mohawks that's not really a mohawk. A little bit more of a mohawk than a fauxhawk is, but not enough of a mohawk that this guy's committed his lifestyle to having a mohawk. It's still a cop-out. Yeah. It's a pure cop-out.

Absolutely. And I don't know. I was just like, huh, that guy seemed like he wanted to be friends with me or something. But I'm here with my three-year-old, and it didn't seem like he was hitting on me. So I was like, I don't want to be friends with a dude in the parking lot of the Salvation Army. Like, it sort of seemed like he wanted to be like, hey, we're just a couple of fun guys going to the Salvation Army, right? I'm like, I don't know. I'm not that fun. You know what I mean? Sure. So I went

inside, looking around at different stuff. Found a real nice Winnie the Pooh puzzle. So I got that. Sweet. Got a nice Woody hat. It's what Simon calls a cowboy hat. I thought that was a euphemism. No.

It's what Americans call condoms. Yeah, sure. Would you? And I'm just sort of looking through the kids' clothes. Buy most of my kids' clothes at the thrift store, you know? Looking through the kids' clothes, and this guy comes walking towards me, and I'm thinking that there's someone. Faux hawk guy. Faux hawk guy comes walking towards me, and I'm thinking there's another dude behind me.

Mm-hmm. It's the only way that it makes sense that he'll be walking so intently towards me. Sure. In his hand, he's got a coffee maker. And he gets about five or six feet from me, like too far to engage me in conversation, but like in a real liminal zone between he's definitely talking to me and he might be talking to someone else behind me or to the left or right of me. Sure.

And I'm just looking at the overalls, you know? And he says, hey, man. Hey, you're just here to check out some bagash. He looks at me. Is that still the number one child's overall Oshkosh bagash? Absolutely. Okay. Yes, yes, bagash.

So this guy with the horrible faux hawk looks at me and he goes, hey, man, you want to see a sweet coffee maker? What? And he lifts up his coffee maker in his hands. That's a voice he talked into. He's like, hey, man, want to see a sweet coffee maker? And he lifts it up. And I'm paralyzed. What can I say?

He didn't bring this in with him. He found it there. No, he found it there. And just to be clear, it was not sweet at all. Yeah. What were we talking about? Just a Black & Decker? I mean, it was like a 1987 Mr. Coffee.

Mm-hmm. And I'm trying- It was a good year for Mr. Coffees. It was, yeah. No, there's no doubt about that. If you're a collector like I am- Home run boom in the major leagues, probably a career home run year for Wade Boggs, and also a great year for Mr. Coffee.

Oh, sure. It was the year of wide handles. Sure. They, and fins. That's back when they still had fins on coffee makers, you know? So they're more aerodynamic. Those were the days. Get those that drive it.

Mm-hmm. So, I don't know what to say to this dude, because I don't want to. No, you just fucking high five him. Number one, I don't want to talk to this dude because i don't want no you just fucking high five him number one i don't want to talk to him yeah number two i'm still not a hundred percent certain he's talking to me now i i here's my policy on this i mean i think if you've if you've been listening to the show you know my policy on talking to randos is i usually don't like it. You know, your cab drivers, your, you know, people in line with you. I mean, you're a bit of a summer boy.

Sure. I'm a real, as a summer boy, I keep to myself. Right. I keep my eyes on the sun. Right. Which is my favorite star. Sure. But I think if that happened to me, I would be intrigued enough to like, okay, I'll get into it with this guy.

I would like to hear what this guy's deal is. So I'm trying to think, what can I say to this dude? What can I say to this dude? What can I say to this dude? And so I said, first of all, I kind of did a surreptitious side-to-side glance, sort of Stevie Wonder, like a mean Stevie Wonder. Like maybe he would think you were blind and go away? No, just to check to make sure that I was who he was talking to. glance, sort of Stevie Wonder, like a mean Stevie Wonder. Like maybe he would think you were blind and go away?

Just to check to make sure that I was who he was talking to. I wanted to check the periphery and make sure there weren't any dudes with like t-shirts on that say I heart coffee maker. Or just faux hawk dudes that look like they came with him. Sure, maybe somebody with a dyed goatee.

Yeah, I was thinking maybe a dude with like a bathtub chain necklace. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. So I said, yeah, I bet you're going to make some serious coffee with that thing. Did you call it she? Yeah, she looks like a good model. Oh, yeah. She looks like she heats up real hot.

And he holds it up to me and he goes, yeah, vintage coffee. Why didn't you ask him to be on the show? Can you get in touch with this guy again? You know what? I left a homing device on his car oh good yeah that man's style sure yeah it was that's terrific it was a very challenging social situation that i barely escaped alive yeah that's what at the end of end of your take home for this story i I barely escaped a lot. I'm lucky to be here today, and I'm lucky that my son is healthy at home with his mother.

Yeah, and not living with faux hawk guy. Because he heard about how sweet that retro coffee machine is. Yeah, vintage coffee. I mean, I joke about being a coffee maker enthusiast. Do you think that's a kind of thing people are into? Well, sure, people are into. Yeah, sure, I know this guy, Dan Sinker. This guy posts pictures on Twitter of his coffee making equipment. Okay.

He's a nice guy. But this is not like, I mean, I guess I'm. You're talking about Etsy style. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I know that there's probably guys now who have, like like Bunsen burners and graduated cylinders in their house to make their coffee. Yeah. They got that thing with the long skinny neck that – boy, the electric teapot with the long skinny neck so it doesn't stop being boiling. And they got the little temperature things.

They got a little kitchen scale to measure out their grams of coffee and all that. Sure. Yeah, burr grinder, conical burr grinder. measure out their grams of coffee and all that. Sure. Burr grinder, conical burr grinder. But you think there's just like guys who love like Mr. Coffees and they just put Folgers crystals in them and, but insist that like, this is the way to do it. Well, Joe DiMaggio.

There's Joe DiMaggio. I know he loves Mr. Coffees. The late Joe DiMaggio. Or his ghost. Yeah. Nowadays it would probably be his ghost. Oh yeah. Are we going to do five minutes on tea anytime soon?

Sorry. It's going to be all baseball and coffee from here on out. But we are going to talk about Big Brother later, so you can jump in on that. You guys still love Big Brother? Oh, yes. Okay. Yeah. Is it still like one of the most popular shows? Not really.

It moved to a lesser channel than the one it was on before. And the best person in the house this year was Michelle Visage from RuPaul's Drag Race. Oh! That sounds alright. She was like the best person in the house, but it was a rum do. Anyway. Sounds like a real rum do.

Jordan. I've only gone 200% more British since I got in this sweat box. Oh, yeah. We'll sweat the British out of you. It's like doing Bikram yoga. That's actually my drag queen name is Rumdue.

I also saw something. I do a great lip sync to You Can Call Me Al. I also saw something. You're Chevy Chase. On the way here. Yeah, yeah. I'm a Chevy Chase drag queen named Rumdue. Perfect pitch.

Perfect pitch. He's friends with one of the guys from Steely Dan, was it? Chevy Chase? Yeah. I don't know. He's friends with one of the guys from one of those things. You know, one of those things. You know, one of those things. You know what I'm talking about, Steely Dan or whatever.

Yeah. Okay. Something else that happened to me today. Yeah. Did I go to our nation's capital in the world's greatest city, New York, and appear in a television pilot in the past two weeks since I was last on this show?

Yeah, sure. I want to tell you about this vanity license plate I saw on the way here. Oh, Sarah's got a vanity license plate one, too. I've got a vanity license plate, too. Are vanity license plates

even a thing in the United Kingdom? No, not at all. I went hiking this morning with Colin Anderson from International Wars, and we went up to the Hollywood sign,

and I saw a coyote, which is very exciting. But on the way back down, that happened. Can you read that? Okay and I saw a coyote, which is very exciting. But on the way back down, that happened. Can you read that? Okay. I'm passing my phone because I want you to read that.

God forbid. She should tell us her own entertaining thing. No, just see if you can read that. It is, number one, it's a Mercedes ML350. It's a fine European automobile.

So I don't know what's so funny about that. Can you read the... The license plate says French toast. How is it spelled? It says F-R-C-H-T-S-T. French toast. I would like it if this guy had like a fleet of cars, like a Jay Leno-esque fleet of cars, and just each one had a different breakfast vanity plate.

Is that one that says Johnny K? Yeah. Scrambled eggs. Yeah, scrambled eggs. Those are great. My license plate, it was on an Acura Sport Utility vehicle. I want to give you some context for this vehicle. Nice, shiny new car.

It had two bumper stickers on it that did not lend any useful information to me trying to parse the situation. Do you remember what they were? Inside the car. One of them said Big Bear, which is a local ski destination. And one of them said Burbank Fire Department. Okay. And the license plate said- Well, I mean, these are clues about the person.

I mean, they're- You presume it's some kind of outdoorsy firefighter. Yeah. Yeah. The license plate said charade. Oh, wow. Okay. So wait.

Why would... Okay. I can understand how you could choose to live a charade. Yeah. But why would you call it out? Why would you pay extra $80 it costs to get a custom license plate? Well, I mean, if you are living a lie, like maybe this guy, you know, is going to Big Bear,

telling everyone he's skiing, but really he just, you know, Maybe he's not a real firefighter. Yeah, could be. I'm thinking drag name. Charade. Charade. Oh, yeah. So you think this is a drag queen Burbank firefighter?

It's a Cher tribute act. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, wow. That was actually a benefit concert with Cher Broker Hip. I feel like I would enjoy, you know how firefighters have those fundraisers? Yeah, like a pancake breakfast or something? Or a sexy calendar.

Sure. Or a sexy pancake breakfast. I'd like to see an all-firefighter Cher tribute show called Charade. I mean... That sounds fun. I would too. Let's get the Burbank Fire Department on their phone. Brian, call 9-1-1. So like one...

Hi, we have an idea! Hey! I can raise money! Slow down! What's happening? Oh, there's a man outside! And you could have so like you could like go through Cher's whole career like it could be like one fireman is like Sonny and Cher right you know 70s Cher right uh you know one like 80- It's like 80s Torch Song Cher. Sure.

And then like 90s Gay Icon Cher. Yeah, like Dance Music, Auto-Tune Pioneer Cher. Sure. And then there's 2000s Sassy Talk on David Letterman Cher. Mm-hmm. And now you have present day Elderly Cher. Sure. It's just a guy who comes out and misspells things on Twitter.

Is that what Cher's primary thing is these days? Does anyone know? No. Cher is one of those people I would really enjoy having Cher on Bullseye because she seems like a loose cannon. Yeah. I love someone who's so successful.

Like in the ship in the Turn Back Time video. Well, she's like she's like really like charming and smart and funny and stuff but also seems like she just doesn't

give a fuck about what's happening just around her and also she's sort of an old person now and I think that combination is real fun

sure real fun like Regis yeah you know what I mean Regis going around just doing whatever it is that comes into his head.

Yeah, Danny DeVito. Present day Larry King. Oh, yeah. You know, present day Larry King, he doesn't care about anything. He's got a show on Yahoo Screen or something. You know what I mean? What does Larry King care about? He looks like someone draped a tarp over a set of sticks.

And then put some suspenders on there. Yeah. Wearing blue jeans with suspenders. Oy. For the listeners at home, I'm smiling politely. To talk of people who I don't know who they are. Oh, you know, this is funny. What about Robbie Williams?

When Larry King went off the air, he got replaced by one of the UK's most famous boobs. Who's he? Piers Morgan. Piers Morgan replaced Larry King. You UK's most famous boobs. Who's he? He got Piers Morgan. Piers Morgan replaced Larry King and failed. Yeah. Well, he's no Larry King. What's Piers Morgan up to? Anyway, Burbank Fire Department.

You're on the line. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I listen to Bullseye because it gives me all the information on things that I know I want to know about. But it also gives me inside information on things that I didn't even know I wanted to know about, such as music, arts, movies, people I should be connected with, people that I end up connecting with thanks to Bullseye. Bullseye is your guide to what's good from MaximumFun.org and NPR. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sarah Morgan, international eel smuggler. She is. Sarah Morgan. I don't know if you knew this, Jordan. It seems like something you would call a guy with a big dick. Like a smuggle and an eel in there. It's international or European, whichever you prefer.

International or European, whichever you prefer. I did some research about gross things to make Brian and Lindsay eat. By the way, thank you to the hundreds and hundreds, thousands of people who backed Brian and Lindsay will totally eat that. Not only are we going to make 10 episodes, we're going to make more than 10 episodes. We're going to have two in March, and then we're going to shoot some more in April. And I think we might make 15. I don't know. We'll see. A lot of eps. It's a lot of eps. High production values. Sure. Anyway, so I was

doing some research about gross shit that I can make Brian eat. I didn't want to make him eat one of those baluts. Oh, yeah. Sure. I had to eat one of those on an internet eating show. Very gross. I don't think the point of this show is just how horrible we can be to them. You know what I mean?

I don't want to make that kind of show. A balut is like, it's like, you know how baby chickens grow inside of eggs? Oh, no. Yeah, and you eat the, and its eyes are there. Like it has eyes.

You take a little bite and you see its little eyes peeking out. It's gross. Yeah. I mean, you can say that for a lot of food, but that's really there. No. Like it has eyes. You take a little bite and you see its little eyes peeking out. It's gross. Yeah. I mean, you can say that for a lot of food, but that's really gross. Yeah. And, but I did hear that in the United Kingdom they eat jellied eels. All the time.

Three meals a day. Yeah, three meals a day. Cup of tea. Jelly eels. Or you put some marmite on it for breakfast. Have a banana. Lovely. Put some brown sauce on it for lunch.

Oh, brown sauce. Delicious. I'm homesick now. You can bake it up in a pie for dinner. Delicious breakfast have a banana lovely put some brown sauce on it for lunch brown sauce delicious I'm homesick now you're baking up a pie for dinner delicious have a banana it's yeah with some game birds

so I felt like I needed to get my hands on some jellied eel I happen to know I happen to have a friend in the

United Kingdom named Sarah Morgan I had her smuggle some eels in her carry on luggage not in the carry in the suitcase in the United Kingdom named Sarah Morgan. I had her smuggle some eels in her carry-on luggage. Not in the carry-on, in the suitcase. In the suitcase. Because I knew it would be cold in the hold. Right.

It is cold down there. Yeah. So I transported it like a kidney across continents. There was a terrorist on the president's plane. I actually tried to smuggle an eel the last time I was in the UK, but it wouldn't fit because of my giant penis. Right. Sure. No room for the eel. Sure. I Right. Sure. No room for the eel.

Sure. I can understand that. No room for the eel. I already got a python in there. Sarah's already- Jesse. Yeah. Hey, there's no room for the eel because of my python.

Sure. I know. I understand. Listen to me. No, I heard you. The first couple times you were saying different stuff about your penis, about your penises, using different metaphorical creatures to describe your penis. I heard all that.

Okay. She wanted to make sure. Anyway, what size is your dick? Not that big. I'm very grateful to you for that, Sarah. And it actually, there's a couple of things that I really want from foreign countries that I felt like I'm going to want to mention here on Jordan Jesse Go. First of all, we have threads going on in the Reddit and the Facebook if you have some weird shit, idea for weird shit that Brian and Lindsay should eat. Again, no contest type things.

Like amazing, insane, fascinating things, but not contests. But there's two things that I've heard about that I really want to make them eat. One is apparently in Russia there is a chocolate bar called Max Fun. So if you are in Russia and you can send us some Max Fun bars, we would really appreciate it. You know, drop me a line, drop Jordan, Jesse, go line, whatever. Send us some Max Fun bars. Number two, someone sent me a picture of a South African potato chip that's called monkey gland sauce flavor. Monkey gland sauce flavor?

Monkey gland sauce flavor potato chips. I don't even, why would we even bother to do the show if we can't get monkey gland sauce potato chips? So if you're in South Africa and you can send get monkey gland sauce potato chips. So if you're in South Africa and you can send us monkey gland sauce

flavored potato chips, please, we just need a couple of bags. We need one to shoot in pretty ways and one to eat, you know? Please, if you're out there, help us. We need your help. There's a guy who's really keen on us

making Johnny Cakes. Speaking of Johnny Cakes, I don't know. It doesn't seem that weird. It's not that weird. It's going to be fine. Scrapple? Scrapple's not that weird. Scrapple's pretty good.

Sure. Just corn and pork, you know? Yeah. It's fun to say Scrapple, though. It is fun to say Scrapple. It's fun to eat Scrapple. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that.

What's been going on with you? to say Scrapple. It's fun to eat Scrapple. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. What's been going on with you? Well, I've been kind of obsessing about a mistake

that I made all week. Is this a new mistake? Because I heard about that mistake you made on last week's show. This is a recent mistake. My life is a series of mistakes.

Look, that's all of our lives. Sure. My life is not even a series of mistakes. It is a mistake. You think you should have terminated your own pregnancy?

Yeah, I think so. I think, you know, honestly, I think that my mom had her Norplant removed and didn't tell my dad. True Thorne family history. Sure. Go ahead, Jordan.

So I did, I did the Side One Dummy storytelling show. Side One Dummy is like a kind of a punk rock record label. And in their offices, they have like a storytelling show. And it's some comedians and some music guys. And it's very fun. They do a podcast.

They make videos of it. It's a great show. I got asked to do it. Very happy to do it. And backstage, they have like a wall of fame. So everybody who does the show signs this wall of fame and they write something in the comics, I'll write something snarky. And the musicians kind of tend to write something kind of inspirational. And so like crunch time came, they asked me to sign the wall. They handed me a Sharpie to do it. And I was kind of looking around and like – I mean it helps – it will help you understand my decision if I talk about the kind of music these guys release.

It's kind of like inspirational, fists in the air, punk rock. Maybe it's like a solo album, like a guy who used to be in a band, like his acoustic album. And it's kind of like a crying in your beer album. A lot of that type of stuff. And so all the musicians had these kind of like so you just wrote white power yeah i wrote learn the language or get out jordan morris thanks for having me so you drew three hearts then i drew three hearts yeah yeah jk um uh so i was just like how oh, what do I write?

What do I write? And I never, I don't have like, you know, a catchphrase or an ethos. I don't really believe in anything. So nothing I want to get across by citing this wall. But I do like when two words sound alike. Sure. It's called a pun. And you switch them.

That's called the old switcheroo. Yeah. So. Classic chestnut. Sure. It's called a pun. You switch them. That's called the old switcheroo. Yeah. Classic chestnut. Yeah. So on this wall of fame, I wrote this machine kills Fantas. And immediately regretted it. I thought

it was funny for the time it took to write it, but now I just feel like a fucking asshole. And this thing is back there. Like, there's all the, like. I mean, do you love drinking Fanta? No. See, because, I mean, if you were famous for drinking a lot of Fanta. Now I feel like I have to be.

Yeah. They're like, hey, why'd you write that? Like, ah, I just love Fantas. This machine kills Fantas. I had a Fanta earlier. Was it good? No. Yeah.

No, it wasn't. I should have got a sun kiss. It was not good. Too fruity. Yeah. How big were the letters? Huh? How big were the letters?

Oh, I wrote it real big. I wrote obnoxiously. Like, yeah, John Hancock big. Nice. Did you sign, like, over Ian McKay or something? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I dwarfed a more famous punk rock guy. Yeah, and I've just been sitting there.

It's that episode of Seinfeld where he writes, nothing's finer than being in your diner and spends the rest of the episode trying to get it back. So, I mean, you're right. I either have to find some... Oh, I forgot about that. Seinfeld's great. have to like find i have to find some i forgot about that so i feel like i either a need to make this machine kills phant as part of a personal ethos somehow so i can like defend it if it ever comes up or like go back to the office and see if i can cross it out and write something different do you you think we could have a pledge drive stunt where you drink 20 Fanta?

Yeah, I mean- Or a whole 12-pack. What's a whole 12-pack of Fantas in one episode? You'd probably go into a coma. Sure. Especially since you gave up sugar. Yeah, yeah. I think if you knock back a case of Fantas, then you could legitimately claim this machine kills Fantas.

Sure. I can get a little t-shirt made. And I would say you probably don't want to get this machine kills Fantas tattooed on yourself. I should say it's a play on this machine kills fascists. What do you got three road on his guitar? Sure. But I think you could write like. Did you guys both know that?

You see a variation on that on a lot of ukuleles around the part of London I live in. Oh, no, really? This tiny machine. Kills tiny fascists. This tiny machine kills a little Hitler. This machine charms fascists. It soothes their savage breaths.

I think instead of getting, you know, like, this machine kills Fantas tattooed across your back, which is probably what you were thinking of doing. Yeah, old English. I chewed a tight thing. Fingers of your right fist if you just got T-M-K-F. Yeah. This machine kills Fantas. If when chicks asked, you could explain about how you once drank 12 Fanta. That's some cool hand Luke shit.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, maybe I have to start stunt Fanta drinking. I do not recommend grape Fanta. I had some earlier today, and I got to give it a C plus at best. Yeah. How many flavors of Fanta are there? You got grape, strawberry, pineapple, melon. Hmm.

Melon might be good. Orange, of course. That's a classic. Yeah, that's the one we know. Do you guys only have one Fanta? Oh, yeah. Just one Fanta. There might be a lemon.

I don't know. England is the opposite of a tropical country. Yeah. Ah. You go to Mallorca, they got 75 different Fantas. Although, as a fan of this show, your satsuma talk always really makes me laugh because satsumas are not a sexy glamorous fruit over there. You guys are just rolling in them. In Mallorca or in England?

In England. Satsumas are what you get in your stocking at Christmas. But I always enjoy your excitement at satsuma season. Wait, you get satsumas in your stocking at Christmas? Yeah. Not just tangerines. No, you get Satsumas in your stocking at Christmas? Yeah. Not just tangerines. No, it's Satsuma's tangerines. They're the little tiny citrus.

No, it's not all the same. God damn it. Tangerines are- We let a foreigner on our show. This is the kind of shit that goes down. By the way, someone sent me a picture of a giant pile of sumos, aka deco ponds. My mouth was watering.

That's a citrus fruit, baby. That thing's a monster. It's a beast, easy to peel, highly flavorable. Yeah, it peels on there real loose. Yeah, it peels on there real loose. Yeah, that's what you need. A lot of room between the peel and the fruit.

Yeah, it's a real Larry King type situation. It's the Larry King of fruits. It's the Larry King of fruits. It's droopy and confused. Yeah. But I think, Jordan, I think that a lot of people are going to think that's a lot of fun. I don't think anyone will get it. I don't even know what it is. I don't have an explanation for it.

It means that you love to drink Fanta. I mean, if it comes up, you're going to have to, if it comes up, you're going to have to at least pretend. You know what? If you don't get a license plate that says TMKF, my secondary recommendation is just Charade 2.

I'll find Charade 1. You're going to have to live the lie that you love Fantas. That's what that means. There's no doubt that that's what that means. Oh, I've got a secondary slogan. You get to shirt with, I'm Fanta-bee-with. I mean, yeah, should I just

make my thing Fanta puns? What about this? Just to over-correct for this one mistake. World's biggest Fanta enthusiast. Nice. That's good. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. Because you love Fanta enthusiast. Nice. That's good. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. Because you love Fanta so much.

Love Fanta. What would you say is your favorite Fanta? All of them mixed. Right. Fanta suicide. Fanta suicide. Death by Fanta. That's pretty punk rock.

A mind-bending cocktail of Fanta. Maybe I could start, maybe I could do like a little Phantom mixology series Where I like teach people how to make Like a fun Like a fun cocktail Get some fresh mint Jordan I think we got A little gin

I think we got to get you on Our friends Ben and Chris's show Let's Drink About It Sure Where a life experience is paired With a cocktail recipe Oh yeah I think this life experience

Demands a Fanta-based cocktail. I think so. Can we make this happen? Yeah. We'll get Chris and Ben on the phone. We'll put you on there. We'll make a fucking, they'll make some kind of pineapple cocktail for you. That's great.

Sparkling pineapple. Sounds nice. You know how much Fanta I can drink? How much? Four ounces. Yeah. I got two-thirds of a Fanta I can drink? How much? Four ounces. Yeah. I got two-thirds of a Fanta sitting in my car right now. I don't even want to look at it.

I didn't even want to pick it up to carry it and throw it away. Maybe it's better when it's flat and warm. Yeah, probably so. Yeah. It'll definitely, because then it'll taste more like Robitussin. This is what you're shooting for, right? In any beverage? Sorry, Sarah. Probably don't have Robitussin in my drink. you're shooting for, right? In any beverage? Sorry, Sarah.

Probably don't have Robitussin in it. We know what a Sizzurp is. Do you know what a Sizzurp is? Sizzurp. Oh, Sizzurp.

Sizzurp. Sizzurp. Am I saying it wrong? You're probably just slurring your words because you're on that drink. Oh, yeah. Gotcha.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sarah Morgan, international eel smuggler. She is literally an international eel smuggler. Sarah Morgan, international eel smuggler. She is literally an international eel smuggler.

By the way, I noticed after we made the whole agreement about you bringing these eels and everything, because we were looking for canned eels. Yeah. We couldn't find any. So we ended up with heat-sealed, fresh jellied eels. And I noticed on the website that it said not suitable for home freezing. Don't worry. I did investigate this. Oh, not suitable for home freezing. Don't worry. I did investigate this. Oh, really? I've investigated.

Don't worry. I've been chatting with an eel guy. Because, you know, I care. An eelman? I care. An eelman. The Queen's eelman. Oh, that's a Royal Warring for a jellied eel.

Yeah. It may slightly degrade the texture, but it's not going to be unhygienic. Okay, great. Because I don't want to hurt Brian. No. Brian's about to get married. I've just got to save the date in the mail. I don't want Brian to eat a bad eel and his poor fiancée, Lauren, can't even collect on the life insurance because they haven't gotten married yet.

And eating an illegal import. Yeah. I'm going to murder him after he gets married because Lauren deserves that money. I think she does too. You know what I mean? It's a big policy too. She's a delight. Yeah.

She's fun and she's a good second baseman too. That's another – that's an underrated thing about Brian's girlfriend Lauren. Okay. Sorry. Does that mean you felt her up? I don't know. Yeah. Okay.

Nice. Nice one, Brian. It was a lot of fun. She really can have her boobs touched. Hey, guess what? Max Fun Drive coming up March 16th, whole second half of March. It's going to be a blast. Touch our boobs, audience.

It's going to be so fun. We are making a special Max Fun, a special donor-only episode of our show. All Q&A, as is our tradition. Already, I don't know if you saw on the Reddit or the Facebook, there's like 100 questions. Lots of fun stuff. Probably stuff rolling in on the forum and probably on the emails, too, is out of control. Out of control. Lots of, probably going to be lots of fun behind-the-scenes information in that episode.

Wouldn't you say? Get a little look at how it's made, how it's done. Like, which is the sexiest Chris Hardwick you've ever been employed by? Oh, the one who the guy it is. Oh, yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Well, I guess we won't save that for the donor episode.

We'll cut that one from the donor episode. Yeah, sure. Because we just answered it. But, you know. Sure. It'll still probably be. But, you know. Sure. It'll still probably be, I mean, at least okay. I mean, I can't say it'll be fun now that we've spoiled it. Yeah, kind of blew that wad.

I mean, I know lots of other stuff about Chris Hardwick that I can spill on the donor episode. Awesome. People love his show. Yeah. Yeah, it's a really good show. No, seriously. Our whole. spill on the donor episode. Awesome. People love his show. Yeah. Yeah, it's a really good show. No, seriously, our whole Here's a little tease. Here's a little tease.

He's real nice and easy to work with. He's a really nice guy. He's very talented. He's great at hosting a TV show, too. His success is merited. Fun fact about Chris Hardwick. I just want to say, you know, our whole operation is supported by your donations, and we don't ask that often. So I'm looking forward to it, and, you know, I'm not going to say that Sarah Morgan's paycheck depends on it, but it probably does.

I appreciate it greatly. Yeah. It's a lovely thing to happen, and it makes me feel like I should do my job properly like a professional. So it's very important. Morgan has a human child. I do have a human child. The child will probably die. We don't talk about the other children.

Not the chimeras that I have. They're fine. Morgan's got two griffins and a bugbear. Yeah. Well, the bugbear's fine because he feeds on fear and a bugbear. Yeah. Well, the bugbear's fine because he feeds on fear. Oh, right. Sure. So he doesn't take that much to support.

It's more of like an emotional thing with us. I've got a dragon, but it's not a child. It's just a fuck buddy for my car. Oh, I've read about that on Reddit. Yeah. So, yeah. March 16th through the 30th, we're going to have very special episodes of this program. We're going to have lots of great thank you gifts and all kinds of cool shit.

So make sure and tune in and make sure and back the show then. Jordan, you have a bag underneath you that I'm very curious about. Yeah. So a couple weeks on the show, we were talking about the weird signs that have gone up around town advertising a Cronos. A Cronos is a lot like a Cronut. Yeah. As reimagined by the Yoss cat. Yes, exactly.

It's a sassy cat who would like a treat. So, yeah. So I guess the cronut, big foodie trend. But you cannot call something a cronut because that guy who invented them. The French guy. The Frenchie. French guy in New York City. Those litigious Frenchmen go around copywriting everything.

It's his idea to fold butter into donuts. So he – Flaky. So you can serve the thing, but you can't call it that. So like people have all these kind of creative names around it. There's – sometimes they'll just say croissant-style donut or dosant. I've heard dosant a few times. You know what?

The guy really got in on cronut. Yeah. I think a central tenet of the success of Cronut is the word Cronut. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Crodow sounds quite reasonable, though. Crodow? Crodow.

Yeah, Crodow is actually pretty solid. Hold on. Just take this whole thing back. Yeah. Crodow. One donut to rule them all. One does not simply walk into Yum Yum Donuts. So, yeah.

But, yeah, I mean, these are great, but I have been really, really into the science advertising Cronos because it sounds like a wizard. A wizard that you eat and gain his powers. Or a combination of a Cronut and an ass. Right. I guess just a croissant and an ass. Oh, okay. Sure. Yeah, a croonut and an ass. Right. I guess just a croissant and an ass. Oh, okay. Sure. Yeah, a croissant and an ass.

Or a baddie that's at the end of The Avengers, but just for like a second. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's going to be in like three movies. All these fucking comic book people just talking your ear off about how thrilling it was when they saw Cronos. And you're like, I don't even know what Cronos is. Was that Samuel L. Jackson? I don't like Samuel L. Jackson

that much anymore I'm a normal person anyway yeah you know Samuel L. Jackson does not read the scripts to his movies he'll just be in it

if you pay him enough good for him yeah I like somebody with principles that's the Michael that's a classic Michael Caine principle

yeah I think he's got a Michael Caine situation going of just like if you meet my minimum, I will be in whatever movie. Anyway, you know what? I don't I'm not against somebody just putting in that work. Yeah. I mean, I think if you like it's weird, though. Yeah.

I mean, it's like once you do so many things, people like like like I don't think I'll fuck up my legacy, you know? Right. I'm willing to be in any movie. Yeah. I'll also be my legacy, you know? Right. I'm willing to be in any movie. Yeah, I'll also meet my minimum. I showed my dick in a local television commercial for $300 once, so my standards are pretty low. Although it's weird, Nicolas Cage seems to have tainted his legacy. Yeah, that's true. He has tainted his legacy.

But he's built a secondary legacy. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a fun secondary legacy. But he's built a secondary legacy. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a fun secondary legacy. Like a fun parallel legacy. Sure. You know, sort of like Werner Herzog has his fictional films and his documentaries. Sure. Nicolas Cage has

his movies he's good in. His method acting. That shit. Yeah. That's not, it could be worse. Yeah. It's probably pretty fun to be Nicolas Cage still. Even if he has like financial problems I bet it's not, that could be worse. Yeah. It's probably pretty fun to be Nicolas Cage still. I'm mostly worried. Even if he has like financial problems,

I bet it's like really fun to be him. I'm mostly worried about Wesley Snipes' legacy. Yeah. You know, Blade 2.

Blade 2. Me too. Blade 2's the good one. That's why I said Blade 2 because I know from you being my friend that would have seen The Expendables 3

that Blade 2's good. Also, he hugged my auntie that one time. I think we are teetering on a Snipes comeback. I'd watch Snipes' comeback. I would absolutely watch Snipes' comeback. You know what? Wesley Snipes is good at that shit he does.

Totally. Was he ruined by that 30 Rock episode with Michael Sheenan? Yes, and for going to jail for tax evasion. Oh, okay. Yeah, for a number of years. We get 30 Rock. We don jail for tax evasion. Oh, okay. Yeah, for a number of years. We get 30, Rook. We don't get tax evasion. Okay, but so anyways, Sarah and I on the way here stopped and got a bag of Cronos.

Okay, now this is from a popular national donut chain. Here's a Cronos for you. One Cronos for me. Thank you. Sarah, do you want yours with a chocolate drizzle or without a chocolate drizzle? Oh, Sophie's choice. I'll have a chocolate drizzle, please. Okay, here you go.

My Cronos is glazed. Are all Cronos's glazed? I think so, yes. Okay. There were some that were filled, but they looked real gross. In contrast to this? Yeah. Okay, so these are very old.

These are not fresh. How old are they? I don't know. When does a donut store make its donuts? Okay, so you mean like they're today. Oh, yeah, yeah. These are today's Kronos. Okay.

Yeah. You didn't bring these Kronos from London. No, no, no. In the hold because it's cold down there. So, yeah. So these, I guess, you know. Nothing could be this dry in my country. This is the driest thing.

And flavorful. Nothing could be that flavorful either. Try not to eat it. Yeah, if sugar is a flavor, then yeah. Yeah. Okay. Not a success. Okay.

Fucking hell. I have had a, I have not had the new york cronut but i have had a few knockoff cronuts and they've been really really good um and yeah it's hard as a rock yeah i know right i mean it seems the point of the cronut is the the the flakiness the you know the butter melt in your mouthness of it all this is like eating a stack of crinkled papers. This is like, you know the little bag of stuff you get in handbags to stop it drying out? The silica gel? It's like that, but

it was sugar inside it. And he just ate that. With the same desiccant properties. Yeah, with the same kind of... It is layered. They do have that going for it. But... Oh good, now I have two. It do have that going for it. Oh, good. Now I have two.

It's falling apart. Oh, nice. So, yeah. Okay. I'd say maybe probably a little bit better if you get them hot out of the oven, but all in all, disappointing. Disappointing performance by Cronos. Cronos? No-nos.

Whoa. Meow. Kitty's got claws. You don't pull any punches, do you? Yeah. It's really weird and gross. I know. I expected it to be at least like, I mean, because even like a, you know, a 10-hour-old glazed donut is pretty good.

They got to have some kind of donut expert at Winchell's headquarters, right? Yeah. Some guy who can reverse engineer something. Yeah. This literally tastes like... It's way worse than I thought it was going to be, yeah. You know those free priority mail envelopes you get? You wouldn't know this.

But you know those free Tyvek? It tastes like it's made out of Tyvek. You know, it's like a layer of crinkly FedEx envelopes. Sure. You know what I mean? It also has a film on it, too. It is very filmy. Yeah.

Filmic. Sure. Now my fingers have film on them. I feel like it has the feel. On top of this England candy you brought us. You know when you go to like- I'm really going to have to eat a lot of jelly babies to watch that taste out of my mouth. You know when you go to the aquarium and they let you pet the sea cucumber?

Sure. That's the film that the cronut seems to have on it. The sea cucumber-ish film? Yeah. It's like a layer of mucus to protect against predators. You know when you go to one of those giant parking garages and your dragon just fucking runs a train on boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. He's giving it to the Volkswagen. He's giving it to the Mini. He's giving it to the Prius. If there's a car hole, he'll fill it. It doesn't have to do with the cronuts. It's just something that happened to me yesterday. Oh, cool. I've been thinking about it. Yeah, yeah.

We went down to the... Are we going to eat a British thing or is that just for the web series? Sure, we can eat a British thing. Let's eat a British thing.

Because people love it when we eat stuff. Oh, my God. These fucking cronasses. Cronasses. Oh, hey, Brian, I brought you one, too, if you want to have it.

He doesn't want it. Yeah, he doesn't want it. You don't want it. Do you want it, Brian? Brian is trying. Take it out and then give us the bag so we have somewhere. Here, hold these cronasses. Oh, God.

Here, throw them in here. Oh. Fucking disgusting. You know, somebody has to vacuum in here. Cronass flakes. Okay, everybody gets to pick one item. sarah what did you bring can you talk about uh i just yeah i bought some i bought some cabri's chocolate because i know that's illegal here now it is that's true yeah i'm a fucking badass uh i i i i went in wait why is it illegal

i don't i didn't know that uh yeah hershey's have some kind of copyright thing with cabri's chocolate where some of their chocolate looks similar to theirs. So you can't sell Cadbury's chocolate. You know, you've got the English shops here that sell. You can't sell it anymore. Really? This is, you know, this is the good shit I've smuggled into the country. Wow, here's a Turkish delight.

Yeah. I googled in incognito mode because I'm so bad at how the legalities are bringing eels and Cadbury's chocolate into the couch. You figure if you turn on private browsing. Yeah, that's how adorable I am. I'm going to try these. So you use it to...

I think you'll like... Yeah, so I bought chocolate and I know you don't eat chocolate so I got you some candies. There's some pink shrimp and some milk bottles and teeth and lips. They're delicious.

I chose Sainsbury's foam shrimp. There's some sherbet. Oh, Jordan, you might like the sherbet. See, now sherbet, apparently, number one, in both countries, it's spelled sherbet, pronounced sherbet,

which confuses the ever-loving heck out of me. That's number one. Okay. I just wanted to get that out there. Number two, it's not an ice cream food. No. In one. Okay. I just wanted to get that out there. Number two, it's not an ice cream food in England. No. What does it mean?

It means an elevator, right? Yeah. It's basically powdered sugar, icing sugar, with some kind of very, very weak acid in it that means it goes fizzy. And when you're a teenager, it's fun to chop out lines of it and snort it. And your face explode is quite a thing to do when you're a bored teenager. But it's delicious. It's fizzy. You dip a sort of licorice, you know, finger into it, and it's quite tasty. You know, a pudding is actually different over there, too.

I mean, I think, you know, we have,, you know, pudding like Jell-O instant pudding. But over there, it's kind of what we would call a senator. It's like an elected official is a pudding. So my foam shrimp looks like a pink shrimp made out of foam. I mean, I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, although it does maybe look like it's sugarcoated. It literally looks like a pink shrimp made out of foam. What did you choose? I chose Carmack.

Carmack, yeah. Because something else that sounds like a wizard. Or an online place to buy used vehicles. Right. Yeah, it's kind of a white chocolate. It's kind of got a, you know, Hers of got a Hershey's-y shape to it. Sarah's just – you just said her teeth on edge by saying the word Hershey's. Yeah, sorry about that.

Foreigners hate Hershey's like nothing else in the world on account of its slightly sour taste. It's just not proper chocolate. This is great. It's just a delicious white chocolate. Yeah, Caramac is kind of a weird – it's really old and 70s and I didn't even know they made them anymore. But I found that down a well. So, no. I found that in the supermarket and was very excited to get someone else to eat it because, yeah.

It's like caramel-flavored white chocolate. It's great. I don't know if I like foam shrimps. No? Have you tried some? Can I try a foam shrimps? Yeah, I'm going to eat another foam shrimp, though. So, it tastes a little bit like a packing chip.

Yeah. But pink. It does taste pink, doesn't it? It tastes pink. Oh, that is not a fun texture. No, the texture is really where it fails. Yeah, it's really like a cross between. It's like biting into an Alka-Seltzer.

It's a little bit like a packing peanut and a little bit like a pillow mint. It's like a cross between a packing peanut and a pillow mint in the form of a pink gummy shrimp. A pale pink gummy shrimp.

Well, thanks a million, asshole. It's delicious. Can I have one million, asshole. It's delicious. Can I have one? I haven't had one. Yeah. Thank you. Have you never had one? I've had one.

Okay. I've had several shrimp in my life. Come on. She has the royal warrant for gummy shrimp. Yeah, there may be a lot of nostalgia attached to shrimp that doesn't turn to me. I ate another one, but then I threw the bag away. God, no food is good. Oh, there's some Cadbury's flake.

Oh, yeah, no, that was good. Do you want to try the Carmack? Yeah, I'll eat a little Carmack. Is this? Oh, come on, Jordan. I don't have a vacuum cleaner. Let's get a little HandyVac for in here. Okay, I'm going to eat a little Carmack. If you got a Roomba for in here. Okay, I'm going to need a little carmack.

If you got a Roomba for in here, it would get really high on powdered sugar and bits of Kronos. Carmack's not bad. Oh, yeah. I'm fine with Carmack.

Could Carmack defeat Kronos? I don't know. We have to stay after the credits to find out. Yeah. For your teaser. In 2018, that Carmack versus Kronos movie is going to be great. Can't wait for that to happen. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sarah Morgan, international eel smuggler. Do they even have Archer in England? Because you have two different Archer t-shirts. I copied your, I stole your idea of buying an Archer t-shirt and bought one for my beautiful wife, who's a big Archer fan. Mm-hmm.

Won a cool one with Pam from Archer on it. Oh, yes. And now you're wearing a whole other different Archer shirt with the ocelot that lives in Cheryl's mansion. Mm-hmm. Babu, his name is. Yeah, we have it. It's on Netflix.

And then the new episodes, you kind of have to say three Hail Marys and watch illegally and buy the DVD when it comes out. I'm really glad that Archer's around. Me too. Because I probably would just be watching 30 Rock over and over if there weren't Archer. You know what I mean?

Yeah, when you want to see a TV show and actually laugh. Yeah, like laugh out loud. Yeah, it's not a ton of options. Yeah, a short list. A short list. Well, God bless you for it, Sarah. Yeah, I mean, you know, full disclosure, a friend bought the T-shirt for me. I put it on.

I went, this is quite a flattering T-shirt, and I am a girl. So I wear it probably. I have to explain it a lot. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's got some dope pictures. You could just be like, this is a dope ocelot. Yeah, I should just say that. But, you know, after you turn 35, sometimes it's fun just to have people stare confusedly at your breasts.

Any port in a storm? Speaking of 30 Rock, Waze has a thing now where it's Will Forte's voice. What? They're promoting his new show that's coming out. Forgive me? Excuse me? Will Forte on my Waze has a thing now where it's Will Forte's voice. What? They're promoting his new show that's coming out. Forgive me? Excuse me? Will Forte on my Waze? Yeah.

So Will Forte gives you directions. It just makes me think of that. This will make no sense if you haven't seen the show or watched it obsessively. But I'm thinking of the time he finally meets Jack Donaghy and he's out of his drag. Well, he's usually a drag character. And Jack Donaghy goes, oh, so I've heard a lot about you. And he goes, well, it's all true. I'm a native of Houston and I love to cook healthy.

I just like I get to think about that 10 times a day now that I'm driving with this Will Forte voice. I thought you were going to say I remind remind you, the Seinfeld version episode. Oh, yeah. Which I watched this morning because the Airbnb place I'm staying in doesn't have TV, so I'm just watching 30 Rock on Netflix. There's nothing wrong with that. No, nothing wrong with that. Nope.

Yeah, I know how to party. It's a pretty rock-solid form of entertainment. 30 Rock on Netflix. of entertainment. 30 Rock on Netflix. See, if I was using Waze and Will Forte was telling me what to do, I'd be looking at that ghost

and thinking about ghost fucking for MacGruber. Oh, yeah, sure. God, I love that ghost fucking. That's one of my favorite things of all time. God, MacGruber's great. Yeah, they're doing a thing

at the Cinefamily out here where they're showing MacGruber and Will Forte's introducing it. And as soon as I saw it, I went online to buy tickets and it was sold out. And I'm like, good fucking job. I wanted to go to it, but I'm really glad that people like MacGruber now. Yeah. And I have to say. I was just thinking about this.

It's the pantheon of, you know. I was reading a feature profile of Will Forte on a website called Grantland. Not trying to brag, but I like to take my sports and pop culture news together. And there was a little bit about how people like MacGruber now. And I was thinking about how it was you who told me how great MacGruber was when you saw an advanced screening of MacGruber I then went to a later advanced I think we were at the same advanced screening of MacGruber were we I think we were yeah oh well

then then we just both agree yeah after watching that yeah that shit was hilarious and we were both very disappointed that it was such a failure yeah yeah yeah man MacGruber's great That shit was hilarious. And we were both very disappointed that it was such a failure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, man. MacGruber's great. MacGruber's like... MacGruber's like got...

It's less... It's... It's like what if a movie was funny? That's exactly... It's like what if a movie had good jokes in it? Just like a whole shit ton of great jokes. Instead of 20 minutes at the beginning that had good jokes and then just a bunch of plot. Yeah, God, fuck plot.

Who wants to watch a bunch of plot? There's like four good movies that are funny and have plots. It's like The Apartment. Great. We wrapped it up. I've already seen The Apartment. I wouldn't say that has good jokes in it. It's mostly about suicide.

It's funny, though. What's funny other than him cooking dinner? I don't remember. He's just funny in it. Yeah. It's mostly about suicide. It's funny, though. What's funny other than him cooking dinner? I don't remember. He's just funny in it. Yeah. It's comedy. I rewatched it recently. It's a great movie,

but it's not funny. Oh, is it not? No. It is a terrific movie. I haven't seen it since high school. I don't want to, like, slag it off. It's a terrific movie,

but I think it's one of those that gets credit for being funny, but it's not. What about... No. I was going to say, what about Walter Matthau making faces in The Odd Couple? But now that I think about it, A, that's not that great of a movie.

And B, there's way too much plot. Yeah. But also it doesn't go anywhere. Yeah. There's two amazing things about that movie. Totally. Too much plot and the plot doesn't go anywhere. So just have Walter Matthau make faces while Jack Lemmon looks uptight.

Yeah. That's plenty. That's a movie. Yeah. The FU joke. That's fantastic. You know, the Felix Unger joke. That's a good joke.

And then, yeah. That's the only thing I can remember about that film. Just have Walter Matthau walk around in that Mets hat and that gray sweatshirt going. That's hilarious. That's the best thing you can watch. I'm impressed they've made a series out of it. Yeah. of that Mets hat and that gray sweatshirt going, that's hilarious. That's the best thing you can watch. I'm impressed they've made a series out of it. Yeah.

Look, I think it might be a good idea for a series. They're the original odd couple, right? They are the original odd couple. This odd couple is the original odd couple. And then in parentheses, they are not the original odd couple. Just the most confusing slogan. couple. And then in parentheses, they are not the original lock couple. Just the most confusing slogan.

When something momentous happens to you, like you're having a poker game at your house, you're making a big mess, your roommate's upset. Oh boy. He's a real clean freak. Oh boy. And your ex-wife is calling on the phone, you're always wearing this Mets hat, and some parts of

Bad News Bears are probably encroaching on your memory. Sure. It's kind of hard to say where Bad News Bears stops and where this scene ends. Because in this scene, now that I'm thinking, you're using a lot of ethnic slurs. And then you kill. Way more than seem appropriate for a film, even of the time. Then you kill those European terrorists in the subway. Right.

This is all the same movie, right? Yeah, and you're sort of an old man. If I could use one word to describe you, it would probably be grumpy. Maybe grumpier. Sure. Possibly grumpier. When something momentous happens to you, we have you call us. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number.

That's 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your telephone. Here's our first call this week. Brian, Sonny D. Fernandez, roll it out. Hey, guys and guests. this is Dash from New Jersey. Did you feel like you started? Brian, pause this. Pause this.

Go back to the beginning of this call. Tell me if not from the first second and a half to two seconds of this call, it could be Biz Markie calling us to lay down a beat for us. Listen, he said his name. It's Dash. I just want to thank his family for helping me pep up those chicken breasts. His legendary

mother? Yeah. Or wife. I don't know. Yeah, sure. Sorry, play it again, Brian. Yeah, play it again. Hey, I'm Dash., I'm from New Jersey. I'm going to try to say this as quick as possible. I'm a little drunk, too. I just met a toilet vlogger.

A week ago, I was at a club with a friend of mine named Sarah, and she pointed out this guy who was hanging around the bar and said, oh, that guy makes videos about toilets. So I looked him up on YouTube, and sure enough, he's got a bunch of videos of him just at different places, of him just at different places showcasing what kind of toilet he's viewing and then flushing it. And then that's the end of the video. And that was weird enough, but then I went to go meet my friend for a drink.

And beforehand, I walked into a convenience store and this guy was there working behind the counter and i uh you know made my purchase and tried not to look like I recognized him. And then his cell phone started going off, and the ringtone was literally a sound clip of the South Park character, Mr. Hankey, going, howdy ho! And he was very excited about it, and I got out of there as quick as I could. Bye. It's a poop character.

Yeah. For folks who haven't seen the show, South Park on Comedy Central. A popular poop character. Pretty good impression, too. Celebrity poop. There's a lot of things that are surprising about this. One, I wish I – I'm aware of this. None of them are that there's such a thing as a toilet.

Yeah. I am aware of this genre of video. And I thought maybe your coffee maker guy was that but for coffee makers. That's what I think I was trying to get across but couldn't. Like maybe he's – he just makes videos of him making coffee with various – like, okay, well, this is a 1992 Black & Decker. Like that Filipina woman that shows off the Disney toys? Yeah, exactly. She's like the most – And is now a the Disney toys. Yeah, exactly. She's like the most successful person in entertainment.

And is now a bazillionaire. Yeah, yeah. Sarah, you should pitch a show with her. Yeah. I just like that guy was starstruck by a toy lot. Like, I better not hassle him. He probably gets this all the time. I mean, I get that there are those people who do that, but this is a guy who is social and goes to clubs.

I guess I regard people who make these kind of weird, obsessive vlogs as shut-ins. Shit-ins. Shit-ins. Sorry. Fuck. And the fact that this is a guy who— I'm so sorry, and I'm also not going to make a vlogger joke. I literally pay Sarah Morton money to come up with jokes. I'm so sorry. And I'm also not going to make a vlogger joke.

I literally pay Sarah more money to come up with jokes. She's on my payroll. My boss has just heard me make that joke. Wow. I apologize. If Colin Anderson literally knew one other comedy person. One person who could make jokes about Marmite. You would be so fired. Sorry to go on and on about Chris Harvick.

He would have given me a raise for that. Hey, Jordan, go ahead and knock off for the rest of the day. That was good. I guess this guy is a guy people know around town, and he goes to clubs and hangs out at bars. Is he like the human carpet? Who's that? That's a guy who lays out in a carpet and you can walk on him.

Oh, I don't know. But the toilet vlogging doesn't seem to be sexual. I don't think the human carpet is. Huh. Just a cool thing to have in your club. Huh. To make it distinctive. Did you see he was working behind the counter somewhere?

Yeah, at a store. Yeah, what's he selling? That sounds unhygienic. Yeah, I don't know if I want a toilet vlogger touching my, like if he's a butcher, I don't want him touching my chicken thighs. You know what? Even if that guy had what I needed, I wouldn't want to be anything more than just a friend. Yeah. I mean, maybe I should rethink my preconceived opinions about obsessive minutiae bloggers. If you haven't cashed any of the checks that I've written to you,

I would suggest not cashing them because after I said that Bismarck-y joke, actually the money disappeared from my account. There was money in my account before and it literally flooded out trying to escape that horribly sweaty Bismarck-y illusion. I liked it. The beatboxing was... It was good. Yeah.

Please no one call us if you consider yourself a human beatbox. No thank you. Or a human couple. Unless you're Bismarck-y. If you're Bismarck-y... Oh yeah, give us a call.

Oh shit. Talk about a pledge drive guest. That would be great. That'd be a good gift. M as in A, R as in K. Guaranteed to brighten your day. What do you think he's up to these days? He's on Yo Gabba Gabba for one thing.

Cool. That's fun. He's got business beat of the day on Yo Gabba Gabba. He's collecting action figures, comic books, kung fu movies, sneakers. Being on the best episode of television I ever saw. That one time he was on Bobbito Garcia's MTV2 show where he showed off his sneakers. He's just being the biz, man. That's great.

Just being the biz. Man, if you ever want to read a great thing on the internet, on this website, Soul Strut. This is like, you know, remember when Steve Albini was on some poker website? There was like a 500-page Q&A with Steve Albini. I don't remember that, but. Rock and roll producing legend where he just opined on various issues once people figured out that Steve Albini was on their poker website. There's this thread on this website called Soul Strut. It's like a crate digger website, you know, for people that are into rare grooves.

And it's just about different weird shit that Biz Markie has done. And it's just like, oh, yeah, just one time, I didn't know Biz Markie, but one time he called me at 4 o'clock in the morning because he heard I had this ninja turtle he didn't have. It's just like 25 pages of shit like that about Bismarcky. It is amazing. And just, it is obvious, every single person in there just adores Bismarcky. Oh, yeah, sure. He's the most beloved man ever.

I feel like Bismarcky also like DJs all like the P. Diddy white parties. You know, where everybody has to wear white and they're in Curacao or something. I wonder what the Ninja Turtle was. Do you think it was Super Shredder? It was probably Super Shredder. You got to figure it was Super Shredder. Yeah. Or it was that monkey guy.

No, not monkey. Rhinoceros guy. Yeah. But like a variant colorway. Sure. You know that guy I'm talking about. Yeah. What about Kringle?

Kringle the human brain. What about that guy? You think of Krang. Yeah. I was thinking of Kronos. Yeah. Kronos, the talking brain. What about Master Ratman?

Yeah. What about that guy? I bet a splinter is not rare. I bet that's a pretty common one. What if it's a variant colorway? Yeah, it could be a variant color. Because you know the biz has to have all the colorways. Oh, yeah.

You got it. He's not just going to settle for one of each. He's got to have one of each and one of each colorway. Sure. You know, in my country, they had to change the name of that cartoon. What did they change it to? It was called Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. Why was it called that?

Because Ninja was, you know, I don't know. They thought dangerous or ethnic. I don't know. It was not. Ethnic is a problem. I remember my mom. I think it was more dangerous. I remember like telling.

Like a feisty thing. They also called him poor a cracker shrimp. I remember telling my mom I wanted a Ninja Turtle and her being suspicious of the ninja thing. I don't know if that was some sort of like. Not the mutant thing at all. That was fine. She's fine with mutations. Yeah.

And teenagers. Yeah. Does she love pizza? I mean, who doesn't, right? Yeah. Oh, I was looking at a gallery of knockoff toys the other day just online, and the Ninja Turtle one was- Callstruck.com.

The Ninja Turtle one was, new style Ninja Tortoise. And it's a ninja turtle, but he says, like, someone wrote tortoise on him. Anyway. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Brendan in Chicago.

I'm calling because I had a very strange momentous occasion that started last night and ended this morning. Sounds worse than it is. Some friends came over to hang out, and when they left, their car had moved about 50 feet up the block. We all puzzled over it and dismissed it as they must have forgotten where they parked, but they went home and puzzled about it all night. And when we talked in the morning, they were still freaked out that their car had moved and they were absolutely sure their car had moved. We spent some time brainstorming how it is that their

car could have moved there was no clear reason and then right after I got off the phone with them my neighbor called and asked if I knew the owners of the little red car that was on the block last night and revealed that he had gone out and moved to move his niece's car up to their house and got in the wrong car and used her key to start my friend's car and move it into the front of his house. So just in case you are worried that someone might take your car, they could just get in and use their key,

at least if you're driving a 98 Geo Prism and they're driving a similar year Toyota Corolla. Okay. Well, have a good day. Bye. Well, fun fact. Geo Prisms are actually the same as Toyota Corollas in that era. Sure.

It's true. Manufactured in the same factory. They were a joint project of Toyota and Chevrolet. Is that true? It's actually true. Where did you get that factoid? I've just known it for a long time because I know about how to get an affordable motor vehicle. That's why I drive a Jaguar.

Sure, right. No, but yeah, if you need- You can actually start a Jaguar with a Geo Metro key. Yeah, that's true. That's true. If you need to buy an $1,800 car or a $1,500 car, late 90s Geo Prism all the way. There you go. So you're buying yourself a nice Corolla, Corolla parts and all that shit.

Costs $1,000 less because it doesn't save Toyota on the front. There you go. That's just fucking, look. And you get the- If you're out there and you're using that advice right now- And you get the social capital that goes with having a GEO. Yeah, exactly. You get – dude, the puss.

I mean – Oh, GEO puss? Are you kidding? The fucking river of puss that comes to any GEO owner. It's just like – I'll draw a parallel. It's like if you have a Vauxhall. Sure. You know how – remember when you first met your husband, you saw that he was driving a Vauxhall.

Yeah, he was a tiny red Skoda Fabia. Yeah, when you got up on that Skoda did it. Yeah. Yeah. That's basically what Geo Plus is like. I mean, granted, is the Plus going to be better if you get a tracker? Oh, yeah. If you get a Geostorm.

Oh, yeah, that's an all-terrain vehicle. If you get yourself a Geostorm, that's when you know, because that's a two-door sports coupe, my friend. Oh, yeah. Get behind the wheel of that Geostorm, pull out, got 109 horses pounded away under that engine. I actually misheard when someone told me about Geo-pussopus and I just bought a bunch of geodes. You're not getting any geode pus? No. I mean I'm getting like a lot of like mineral enthusiasts.

Right. Sure. Gemstone enthusiasts? Yeah. I mean it's not – they don't fuck me but they want to hear about my geodes. Here's a question. Have you cracked open the geodes or are they still closed geodes? Oh, no.

These are open. I mean, these are wide open. Okay. A lot of times, a lot of people will be going for that geopus. They'll buy a bunch of geodes and then they'll invite mineral enthusiasts over to their house and they won't have opened the geodes and they'll just be like, well, it's just a rock. Like, look, I'm a mineral enthusiast. That's just a rock. Trust me. There's'm a mineral enthusiast. That's just a rock.

Like, trust me, there's some beautiful crystals inside. Will you watch me masturbate? That's what I say to the mineral enthusiasts. And what do you think? What do you got, like 30% yes? Yeah, I mean, they're cool with it. Mineral enthusiasts are very open sexually. Right.

But yeah. Gender fluid. Sure. That's a nice thing about a rock and gem show yeah everybody there's gender fluid a lot of you don't feel like you're getting judged yeah rock and gem show just be you you know look there's diamonds there there's quartz there i don't really fall in love with genders i fall in love with a spirit and also minerals. Amethyst. Yeah. I definitely am in love with amethyst.

Look. I'm just trying not to do a semi-precious pun because I know I'm on thin ice here. I'm going to check out my semi-precious stone. Something momentous happens to you. 206-984-4FUN. Biz Markie, if you're out there, or if you're friends with Biz Markie, if you know Biz Markie, if you've even just seen that one episode of Bobbito Garcia's MTV2 show, which was maybe called Kicks. I want to say it was called Kicks.

I'm not 100% sure. I went to find it on the internet not long ago. It was one of those deals where I found one place that had it. Taken down. Copyright violation. That's too bad. It's not available on digital versatile disc. Viacom's litigious about that YouTube stuff. I'd buy that in a second.

Sure. Biz Markie's sneaker collection. Biz Markie just has this McMansion, like in Long Island or something like that. He doesn't have any furniture, just piles of sneaker boxes. It's amazing. And he just beat boxes at the drop of a hat M-A-M is a-R

R is a K guaranteed to print my day if you're out there call me I have G-O-N-G we have a pizza launcher we'll be back in just a second on Jordan D Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sarah Morgan, international eel smuggler. We've gotten to the bottom of the roles of the various teenage mutant hero turtles. Leonardo leads. Donatello does machines. Michelangelo.

Is a party dude, but before you mention him, you should mention that Raphael is cool but rude. What about Master Rat? He's a radical rat. Okay. Yeah. Cool. What about that rhinoceros man? He's not mentioned in the theme song.

He's not part of the core cast. He's like a guest character. What about Kringle, the human brain? Also not mentioned. I think Shredder is mentioned in the theme song somewhere. Yeah. When the evil Shredder attacks. There you go. Those turtle boys don't cover no slack.

Fucking D.O.N.U. Yeah. They don't cut him. Boom. Cut him. I think this is going to be our most popular episode on BuzzFeed. I can't wait to look at Reddit on Monday. Yeah.

But no, I don't think you mentioned Krang, the Technodrome, Dimension X, anybody. What about April the Trenchcoat Reporter? Oh, is April in the theme song? I feel like I only know the part of the theme song that's the turtles' names. April O'Neil. Yeah. The Trenchcoat Reporter from Turtles. I'm aware.

I know that she's a character in New Style Ninja Tortoise, but... She's their fuckmate. No. Yeah. They're just friends, Jesse. Why do you think she hangs out with them? Because they're friends and they solve crimes together. She thinks it's fun to hang out with turtle men.

Sorry you think that every... In a sewer. Yes. Pizza with turtle teens in a sewer. Yes, that's fun. She's an adult woman. She's hanging out with teenage turtle dudes. Yeah. In a sewer? Yes, that's fun. She's an adult woman. She's hanging out with teenage turtle dudes in a sewer. She doesn't even like skateboarding.

Well, it's just because her producer, Vernon, is so uptight. Oh. Yeah. I don't even remember her producer. He was her uptight producer. That's funny that the Ninja Turtles cartoon had an uptight producer character. I think it was Vernon. Don't correct me.

It's one of the kids, right? Yeah. Right what you know, Jordan. Sure, yeah. Right what you know. Yeah, I think the writers are just getting out some of their frustrations

against the entertainment industry elite. Okay, all you chumps out there. Listen to International Waters, Sarah Morgan's hit podcast program featuring entertaining personalities Jemaine Clement recently. I noticed. I said to myself. It's fabulous to meet a Concord. It's very exciting. That guy looks a lot like Jemaine Clement recently, I noticed.

I said to myself. It's fabulous to meet a Concord. It was very exciting. That guy looks a lot like Jemaine Clement. I looked down at the credits. Guess who it was? Him. Mick Jagger.

I'm sorry. I thought it was a rhetorical question. Yeah. It was Jemaine Clement. Then I saw Jemaine Clement in Brooklyn like a week later. I was like, there's Jermaine Clement. I wanted to go up to him and say I really liked you on International Waters. Oh, God, I'd have loved if you'd not mentioned Concords or What We Do in the Shadows or anything.

I'd have just gone up to him and gone, I loved you on that podcast. You're not allowed to do that. You're not allowed to do that in New York. You're not allowed to go up to celebs in New York. That's why they live there. Although, I got to say, I was in the Housing Works thrift store. Guy says to me, hey, what's your name? And I'm like, Jesse?

And he's like, yeah, from the Put This On website. I was like, yeah. He's like, all right. I read that every day. I'm like, thanks, caricature of a New Yorker. Want to see a sweet coffee maker? I really have been getting like friendship assaulted in the Instagrams lately. Okay, look.

Sonny D., Brian Fernandez, on the boards, 206-984-4FUN, JJGO at MaximumFun.org. Lots of action on Facebook. Lots of action on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. Lots of action in the forum at forum.maximumfun.org. Lots of action on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo. Lots of girl-on-guy action in the world of pornography. Lots of good fun. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design.

Did I already say that? Courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. My thanks to Jordan for putting together a show last week without me. It's better than most shows with me. Almost all shows with me. It's fine. Let's be honest. You got the ding-donger there.

Yeah. It's better than that. I mean, what can top that? Sarah Morgan. What else? Woo-hoo. Probably. Which one of those? Raphael?

He's rude but cool. He's cool but rude, yeah. Give me a break. That's what he says. Give me a break. Because what else would a cool but rude guy say? Give me a break. Well, it's both cool and rude. Yeah, sure. It's like cool because he's like

above the fray. Yeah. You know, he doesn't care who he tells to give him a break. Give me a break. It's rude because like the last thing you want to do is give this turtle man a break. Oh yeah. You really want to press him on this thing. Sure. What kind of turtle

man are you? Why do you love pizza so much? Why do you have so few fingers? You know what I mean? That's the kind of shit. Give me a break. Leonardo was good with swords. Did you say April O'Neil was in the Trenchcoat Mafia? No, she's a trenchcoat reporter.

Okay, well, what's a trenchcoat reporter? She did play a lot of Doom and listen to Marilyn Manson. Okay. That's enough, everyone. All right. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Okay. That's enough, everyone. All right. All right. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Bye.

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