Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 369: Punk Rock Brunch with Nick Adams

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

Nick "Repeat" Adams joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, Jordan's run-in with some rockabilly ladies, and Jesse's friend Alice from photography class.  And it's MaxFunDrive time!  Go to MaximumFun.org/Donate to support the show!   If we reach our stretch goal of 2500 new or upgrading members, Jordan and Jesse will buy a boat on Craigslist and record a show from the middle of the MacArthur Park lake.  #jjgogrosslake

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I'm pumped for this week's program. Yeah, you seem pumped. Yeah, I'll tell you why. Number one, I got this carafe of herbal tea. Oh, I see. Yeah, that's a nice carafe.

It's like an outdoorsy carafe. Hold on. Our guest on the program, of course, the great stand-up comic and comedy writer, mostly comedy writer these days, and one of the most beloved recurring guests here on Jordan, Jessica, Nick Adams. Was that like a Toni Morrison reference that you slid in? Yes. He's the man with the bluest eye. I like that.

So number one, I have this carafe of herbal tea. That's the first reason I'm pumped. Number two, I was listening to Rick James on the way over, so that got me pretty pumped. And number three, I ate a lot of chicharrones. So wait, so the herbal tea, there's no caffeine in that. So you're just pumped

because you like to be refreshed. You're just happy to be refreshed. There's nothing chemical going on. That's also just tea. That's not like California herbal tea. No, no, no, no. This isn't it. There's no tincture. You got it from your buds. You got the herbal tea from your buds around 420.

Somebody's writing some headlines for CNN.com over here. This tea is 0% bubonic. I want to make that clear. No, I just, yeah, I mean, imagine like a mint Mentos commercial where

somebody is down, they're having a hard time, their car has a flat tire. Volkswagen is on top of their baby, and they have to summon Mentos strength. I haven't seen one of those in a while. Through a fancy party, maybe. Maybe you have to put on a blazer. Maybe you have to snag a blazer.

Yeah, exactly. And then they pop out of the air. They're at an orgy, and they have to get hard. Exactly. You have seen fresh Mentos. They're at an orgy and they have to get hard. Exactly. Like, oh, man. You have seen these Mentos. I have a Mentos in your ass. It takes like a few seconds for it to dissolve and then hit the prostate.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And then Raspberry Jizz. End of the day, moral of the story.

Raspberry Jizz? Is that a bento slavery you're pitching, Nick? Is that what's happening here? A lot of things. Raspberry Jizz, I think I named a funk band. Yeah, it's one of those Prince albums when he was just the symbol. And he was just like, what about Raspberry Jizz? Should we release that? I don like a funk band. Yeah, it's one of those Prince albums when he was just the symbol. And he was just like, what about Raspberry J? Should we release that?

I don't know, man. Call 1-800-NEW-FUNK and you can order your, yeah. So, yeah, no, the peppermint tea has me refreshed. Okay. So I'm pumped up with refreshment. Of course, the chicharrones. Sure, they're giving you skin powers. Exactly.

Well, now I have- You have the strength of a pig's skin. The pig is one of the smartest animals. Sure. So now I'm feeling very intelligent. And the most loyal. Well, intelligence starts in the skin. Yes.

That's what they say. And what was the third thing? Oh, and then Rick James has me feeling sexual. Oh, okay. So that's why I'm- Well, I'm glad you're going to be bringing that energy to the show. You're welcome. Sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.

And you got a new shirt. And I got this nice new shirt. Yeah, no, I'm living it up. It's all happening. This is like a little backstory for people. Did a stranger come over to the office five minutes ago and sell me a shirt for cash? Yes, that did happen. It's a very nice.

He did not. He seemed like a very nice guy. I saw him in the elevator and I'm like, is this guy auditioning for the movie version of the old SNL skit Sprockets? He was wearing tight black pants. He was a real Dieter type. He could pass for someone in a clock tower with a sniper rifle. There was a little of that sort of disaffected, angry at society. Or just a guy in an industrial band.

Sure, sure. Either of those. He could be the Black Keys that like, dude, I'm doing really well at the Radio Shack right now. This music thing is just not happening. Like there was a guy in the Black Keys who was just like, fuck it. I can't take it. Okay, so you think this guy was the guy. So the

Black Keys had a third guy at some point. Like a violin player. Yeah, sure. Right. He had found percussion maybe. Yeah. Maybe he just hit a garbage can Full of Full of thumbtacks He left for the

Touring production of Stomp Right before they took off I feel like that You know who that guy was? Fisher Spooner Oh He might have been Fisher Spooner

Fisher Spooner He was a very nice man There was one of those That's one of those groups Where you're just like I know I've known that that Band exists And I say Band Musical artist That could be 20 people Yeah That's one of those groups where you're just like, I've known that that band exists.

And I say band, musical artist, that could be 20 people. It could be one guy with a laptop. I have no idea what the music, but I know. See, now I would have had you pegged. Gold Frap is a band, right? Yeah, Nick, I would have had you pegged as a real electroclash guy. Would have seen you in Brooklyn in 2002 doing cocaine. Yeah.

No. It's your swooping haircut. Your swooping bangs. The only time I've ever been- For the folks at home, Nick is doing some funny head tosses right now. The only time in my life I have ever been jealous of a white person is in the 80s when I was a teenager. And I just wanted to be able to have you know, like that Billy Zabka. Like, you wanna go?

You want some of this? Guys, if we're gonna discuss race, should we have a Starbucks employee present? Let's get some lattes in here. Let's just get it going. Why didn't they just do a fucking web series? Starbucks presents race talk with, you know, whoever. Yeah.

Some guy reaches Sheila Chewy. Yeah. With whoever. Some guy. Starbucks presents great stock. Reach it, Sheila. Chewy. I don't know. Who works at Starbucks? They're all brown. Yeah.

You know. Like, no, I mean, you know, there's like a pool of hosty types that exist in America. At any given time, one of them is on E. Anderson Cooper. Yeah, like that sort of general.

You're like, oh, yeah. Oh, someone from E. So, yeah. So just like a Billy Bush type. Yes, like that sort of general. You're like, oh, yeah. Oh, someone from E. So, yeah. So, just like a Billy Bush type. Yes, exactly. What about that guy from the 90s band? Oh, Mark McGrath? Yeah.

McGrath. I think I would love to hear about the state of race in America from Mark McGrath. Maybe you go McGrath Lachey to get that sort of. Oh, yeah. Sure. Can I posit something? Please. I bet Mark McGrath thinks that race

doesn't really exist yeah he probably doesn't see it really there's no such thing as race or or he's one of those guys

you know it's really more about class now it's more it's race is you know it's just more about class can I tell you about an amazing video I saw on the internet

so at the new school in New York last week there was a panel It's just more about class. Can I tell you about an amazing video I saw on the internet? So at the New School in New York last week, there was a panel on race and comedy. Moderated by Mark McGrath. Moderated by Mark McGrath. It featured past Jordan Jesse Go guest Hari Kundabalu. And they were in the Q&A section. And this sort of like – I watched like a video that someone shot on their phone. And you can see like it's like a New York New School conversation on race and comedy crowd.

Very multi-ethnic, mostly people in their 20s and 30s. And this sort of like 48-year-old-ish white dude stands up, maybe 52-year- old ish white dude stands up maybe 52 year old ish white dude stands up and starts tearing into them about causing divisions in america because race isn't real scientists have proven that race isn't real sure and harry is just sort of taken back by this taken aback by this and he's he says are you just saying that race is a social construct like that's not news to us like we're aware of that you know uh and like harry's like yeah i have a master's degree in that like you know whatever and as he's saying this so all of that is just normal race and comedy Q&A back and forth. Sure.

As he's saying this, the guy just puts on a scarf and starts to pick up his things. And Hari says, wait, are you just leaving? And as Hari says that, the guy puts on a raccoon fur coat. Whoa. That is like full on Cruella de Vil. Like an enormous ankle length fur coat. And just turns around, puts a fedora on his head and leaves. Jesus Christ.

It is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm picturing this guy carrying plastic shopping bags filled with loose nuts. Yes. So I tweeted something about it and Hari texted me just a text that said, I wish that everyone in the world that I loved could have been there to see Coat Guy. Yeah. everyone in the world that I loved could have been there to see Coat Guy. Yeah.

When I watched that video, I was like, okay, is he so clueless that he didn't realize how that was going to look? Or was he like, and then I'll put the fucking coat on. Boom. Like the coat was the cherry on top of his tie. Just to let everybody know that I'm a class act.

I'm not just some I'm not some idiot from off the street rap scallion who's uh yeah I think it was his microphone drop I think he thought

he thought like he thought I'm gonna you know what I'm gonna blow these I'm gonna blow these people of colors mind use thinking in his head

a less kind word right and he said but I'll need the perfect garment. Something that Kid Rock might have worn in 1996. Joffrey. To the coat seller.

To the coterie. Coterie. It is, God, you had to type it into the Internet to click on the video because it is it is just beautiful. It is just a beautiful moment in American race relations. Also, he went to this forum with, you know, Hari Kondabalu and Jay Smooth and all these people that he either doesn't know or knows and probably does not like because that's what they talk about. And sat through what that thing was maybe an hour and a half most of those sort of four like he just to make that comment like he went and did all of that that guy just sits in on every like you know maybe there's one

about like zoning permits the next week and he that guy makes an incendiary comment about where you can have an above ground pool and then leave. Listen, I bought the box. I bought the six series box at the new school. I'm going to fucking use all these concerts. I'm going to go and I'm going to listen to all these talks and I'm going to come up with something to say. I like this. Let's start going to colleges and universities and pitching them on luxury suites. Right?

Yeah, just have a big show. That's where the money is. You can have your business meeting there. Sure. Get a nice $12 cup of lukewarm beer like you do at Staples. Oh, yeah. Somebody in a school polo shirt will bring you some nachos if you order them on your smartphone. I was going to say fajita bar.

Yeah, fajita bar. There you go. Now we're talking. Get some steam trays. Go? Now we're talking? Get some steam trays. That's a really great way to get a little extra money out of your series of talks on the future of postmodern architecture. You know what I mean?

Write it down, Zocalo. Now that we are. Are you listening, Zocalo? I love that they're like, this is like an organization that is going to promote the civic good, but it's named after like a Mexican sketch comedy troupe. Comes Izocalo. Cleveland City Club, take notes. Something that is happening that I think is strange is that now that, you know, comedy and diversity is an NPR topic, for lack of a better way to describe it. Sure.

That's a great way to describe it. People are I think that's a great way to describe it. People are commenting on it who do not like comedy. Yes! Who do not. Who just do not enjoy laughing. Yeah. I don't watch any of these shows, but I would prefer there were no Negroes. Yeah, yeah.

I was listening to Terry Gross' interview with Chris Rock, and she calls him out on interview with Chris Rock and she calls him out on, you know, the kind of infamously maybe homophobic. It is homophobic. Yeah. It was a homophobic part of an otherwise very good movie. Sure. Yes. Right.

Right. Right. Right. The. There is a part in his movie Top Five where the female lead who is, who's the female lead? Gabriel Union or something? Rosario Dawson.

Rosario Dawson. One of these just spectacularly beautiful women. She has an ex-boyfriend who turns out to be gay or a boyfriend who turns out to be gay and that's why it's okay for her to get with Chris Rock's character. And the unfortunately homophobic part is not so much that,

although that's a little bit homophobic as it plays out in the movie. It's that he always wants a finger in his butt. And eventually she gets so upset by this that she puts a tampon soaked with hot sauce in his butt. Yeah, it's very funny. In the middle of this really thoughtful, interesting movie is just a joke from American Pie. Like the worst example of an American Pie joke. Anyway, yeah, but I feel the same way. I thought the movie was pretty good.

That scene made me squirm a little bit, but I don't – you know. Anyway, so Terry Gross is talking to him about it and she's like, oh, well, you know, do you feel like this is homophobic? Because stand-up has such a reputation of being homophobic. And Chris Rock is like, oh, I don't know. Who have you seen lately that's been homophobic? And she can't name anything. And she's like, well, there was that one scene in Louis of, like, this is the only thing it's okay for NPR people to like comedy-wise. We've all seen the scene in Louis.

We've all seen the scene in Louis. Also, there's, I'm sure if you really, I mean, I haven't followed stand-up as much, you know, very little, honestly, since I stopped performing a lot. But if you're watching a lot of stand-up, I'm sure you can, you know, recall a handful of homophobic jokes if you really text your brain. Yeah, oh, sure. It's not that hard. If you've been to an open mic, you've seen the worst examples of homophobia. Or just a show at a regular comedy club.

Sure, yeah. An improv? You got an improv in your town? You'll probably hear a couple of homophobic jokes. TV? You got one of those? You got a TV in your house? You've heard some stuff.

Yeah. When you brought that up, did you know that I interviewed Chris Rock literally five minutes after he had that conversation with Terry Gross? I did not know that. So I'm on the line with Chris Rock from New York, right? And I'm like, hey, Chris Rock, how's it going? I heard you just got done with Terry Gross. And he's like, yeah.

And I'm like, oh, that's fun. How did that go? And he goes, I don't think she likes me. And I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, because I thought it was a joke about how Terry Gross likes everyone she interviews. And then I'm like, why is Chris Rock being so oddly standoffish in this interview I'm doing with him? I had no idea what it was. Just took him to the mat until like a week, a week later when the interview ran on fresh air. I was like, ah, ha, ha.

And also, you know, like. That scene to me was. So, you know, like that scene to me was more than anything like generational, like specifically among black folks. I don't want to generalize, but I feel like that sort of consciousness, thinking about what you say about gay people, is a little bit newer than it is among like most liberal white people. I think we were I think I think it's fair to say we were a little bit late to that train. Yeah, it did seem like Chris Rock was working hard to get his mind around what was wrong with it when it seems like, eh, there was something wrong with that. Yeah.

Sure. I don't think he thought, I think he just thought it was a funny joke to have a guy with a hot sauce tampon in his butt. Which is debatable. Sure. It was definitely the least funny thing in a pretty good movie. Absolutely. But yeah, I don't think Chris Rock dislikes gay people.

No, no. He's probably a great guy. Come on. He had a wedding. It's not crazy. That guy's a hero. Yeah. That guy's a fucking legendary hero.

God bless Chris Rock. Yeah. legendary hero. God bless Chris Rock. I think also his major motivation for making that movie was just wanting to make out with Rosario Dawson. I mean, if you have the means

to put together... That's not at all a claim. What did that movie cost? Five million bucks? Maybe, I don't know. If you can drop five million to have a couple solid days of making out with Rosario Dawson. Woody Allen's been doing that for 5, 40 years.

Money well spent. I know, right? Woody Allen called Chris Rock and was like, fucking finally. What took you so long to figure out the... I didn't want to just spell it out for you, kid. The stand-up shit you hung around with. I did stand-up for like five years. Get out of there.

More interviews with Chris Rock that focus on the portion of the Woody Allen influence in that movie that wasn't him like walking around addressing the camera. Right. Location shoots in New York City. Life as a stand-up comedian. Merging his voice as a stand-up with his character on screen. And more just casting spectacularly beautiful women as your unlikely romantic interest. It's the most impressive gag. I mean, the most impressive feat that any comedian has ever pulled off is what Woody Allen pulled off, I think.

Just like to go from that. For 40 years? Yeah. I mean, but, you know, to go from like i'm really really good at this and then i'm gonna shoehorn my voice into you know you watch manhattan you watch any of his movies you're like yeah there's a story but this is about you talking like you want to talk which is fine because it's he's really good at doing that and you know you give yourself a woman that's way too young and way too hot for you maybe even under underage. I don't know.

Fucking go for it. Like, if you want to do that. Which he just right out of the box. Early in his career. That is a lot of Manhattan. Early in his career. It was just like, I'm fucking a teenager and you're going to love it because guess what? New York is beautiful at night.

Listen to this clarinet music. You know how everybody loves jazz clarinet? Sure. No. Everyone. Oh, no. I had not watched Manhattan since high school. I watched it maybe like two years ago.

And I was thinking like, I'm like halfway through and I'm like, wait a minute. Is the premise of this movie that he wants to get with this 16-year-old? Pretty much. Is that the idea of this movie? It doesn't seem like he's looking askance at the story. This seems to be like a regular hero's journey. The quest is to get- Instead of to obtain the golden fleece-

This is horrible. What's the twist, Woody? When is it going to- We're waiting for a shift. No, no. And a lot of times he gets to dump the beautiful woman too. He gets to say, yeah, I'm fucking tired of you. Well, listen, I like it.

Credits. Same font. Check out this font. I – Took him down. With my funny mouth noises I was oh this will be a

repeat for people who listen to both shows I just came back from doing the indoor kids and we were talking about how times they are a changing the hit video game podcast with our friends Emily Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani and we were talking about another movie that I think kind of is in the genre a little bit,

Freddy versus Jason. And, you know, I think things that people love about Freddy are his great one-liners. Sure. His hilarious one-liners, his primetime bitch, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Brian, our producer, loves his great one-liners so much that he literally just applauded when you said it. Brian, would you look up some classic Freddy one-liners for us? Anyway, and there is a – so one of the stars of Freddy vs. Jason is Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child, if that gives you any indication as to when this movie was made.

Wow. There was actually a Destiny's Child in this movie. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. How many women were in Destiny's Child when that movie came out? Was it still four or had they turned into three? I think Destiny's Child was not a thing anymore, and they were branching off into solo endeavors. So this was right around the time Kelly Rowland had that hit with Nellie.

Oh, it might have been. Was Nellie in this movie at all? I don't think Nellie was in the movie. There were three of the St. Lunatics. They did craft services. Right, sure. St. Lunatics. They did craft services. St. Lunatics were on craft services. It seems like that one guy from the St. Lunatics that wore the mask and sometimes catcher's gear and shit. That would seem like the perfect guy.

When the credits roll, they do wrap the plot of the movie. Deep Blue Sea style. I guess you could put Murphy Lee in it. Deep blue sea style. I mean, I guess you could put Murphy Lee in it. So in this movie, when Freddy is about to kill Destiny's Child, he says, how sweet, dark meat. And then she proceeds to call him the slur for a gay person. What?

Yes. And that's in one scene. Listen. And that's the hero of the movie and the anti-hero of the movie both just being awful to each other. Also, I'm pretty sure that Freddy has a document attachment attractiveness. He likes the ladies. I think they've established throughout the oeuvre that he likes Puntane. Yeah, there's a lot of- I don't know what they say. Just factually incorrect.

It's Freddie and Eve, not Freddie and Steve. Exactly. It's Freddie versus Jason. Whoops. So, yeah. Anyways. But, yeah, I mean, if that happened in a movie now, it would be a shit show. But that was just a movie that a 16-year-old could go see in 1999.

Jordan, I have a quick question. Sure. What were the circumstances in which you were watching the movie Freddy vs. Jason? I was 16 and it was in a theater! Oh, okay. This wasn't in contemporary America. Recently. In 2015, you just happened to be watching Freddy vs. Jason.

I do. When AMC has Fright Fest, I do they will pick a pick a franchise and go through it and go through it chronologically I do like to poke in on the Freddies and the Jasons

has there ever been like you know how they they do that thing every year where they take the Godfather and they cut it so it's sequential yeah they should do that

someone should do that very complicated chronology in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies actually I was watching Stars the other day. They did that with the leprechaun movie.

You totally, they branded themselves for a reason, Thorn. Stars is just like, Stars doesn't hit movies. You're not going to pronounce the Z. You know, you're talking about, you can't just turn on Stars at any given time and see like Morris Chestnut or a big star like that. You got to turn the stars. Stars. If you want to see Morris Chestnut, you got to either turn on stars or head down to the blockbuster by my house when I was 14. Do you like Beverly D'Angelo?

Well, guess what? Turn on stars. Still looks good, Beverly D'Angelo. Still looks very good. Holding up very well. Oh, yeah. Hey, guys, Fat Beach is on. Stars. Still looks good, Beverly D'Angelo. Still looks very good. Holding up very well. Oh, yeah. Hey, guys, Fat Beach is on. Stars.

Tom Arnold was in here the other day to be on Bullseye. How much was he sweating? Tom Arnold is an intense man. And that wasn't even a fat joke. He's so fidgety and excitable. He's not fat either. He's a very healthy man. Oh, wow.

He's very fit now. He's on Arnold Schwarzenegger's. He works out with Arnold Schwarzenegger at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house because they're buddies. And he's on Arnold Schwarzenegger's brand of supplements. Supplements, is that what we're calling them? But anyway, he exercises a lot. And yeah, Tom Arnold, I wanted to ask him what it was like to be in Soul Plane, but

I didn't have time because he's a talker. Sure. Tom Arnold. I don't know if you knew that about Tom Arnold. Didn't get to it. In your business, those are called content providers. Yes, exactly. So you're welcome.

A thing about Arnold Schwarzenegger that has been happening that I've noticed because my job includes watching a lot of internet clips is he – so – Your job is everybody who has a computer. Yes. So there's a new standard for being jacked. I think what was jacked in the 80s is not considered jacked now. What would you say is the difference in the jackedness? I mean, I think that you can't – I feel like before when you were jacked, it maybe just meant having guns, having big biceps. Right.

But you could still be kind of a fat guy. Yeah. Like Sylvester Stallone, I think, is a great example of a guy who just has huge arms. But, you know, if he didn't have huge arms, you're like, oh, there's kind of a paunchy guy. Right. You know, in his heyday, in the Sylvester Stallone, you know, cobra over the top heyday. I don't know. Rocky IV is pretty –

Is he cut – There's a Rambo movie where he's pretty – Okay. He's pretty jacked on Rambo, I think. That might not be the best example. Rocky IV was juicing. Yes, could be juicing. Anyways, but to be jacked and to be a weightlifting guy, it's a whole new ballgame.

If you're Chris Hemsworth. Sure, yeah, if you're a Hemsworth. But I guess also in the world of weightlifting, it's all these Norse guys with mohawks who are trying to push down trees and stuff like that. It's the strongest man and CrossFit. Yeah. Natural movements, not just bench pressing, like pushing things and carrying things, like movements that you use in real life. Sure. Hitting something with a sledgehammer or flipping a tire. Yeah, flipping.

So there will be these videos of these kind of crazy, jacked, wild-eyed Norse people breaking a weird record, like pushing over a giant tree or something that I guess the record was set in some sort of Viking literature. And you'll see this kind of shaky cam video of this maniac doing this thing thing the sweaty red maniac accomplishing this feat and this has happened more than once and then out of the corner arnold schwarzenegger will be there cheering him on in like slacks and a polo just be like yeah still doing great it's very he seems to be just showing up at things to cheer on other strongmen arnold schwarzenegger loves exercise yeah totally believes in exercise the way that other people believe in it. I mean, my mom saved my presidential physical fitness certificate for some time. I mean, listen, someone in America encouraging people to exercise is not a bad thing.

No. Because we are. Or would it be better if he didn't have an illegitimate child with his maid that lived in his house for 20 years? That's a little creepy. But I mean, I guess even that is better than if he just abandoned that child. Are those expendable movies bad? Sure.

Should he have done those? No. Was he ever good at acting or charming in any way? Actually, no. Surprisingly not. Probably not. There's like five minutes in Kindergarten Cop where you're like, hey, that guy is a human being. It is weird that he never learned to act despite being in so many movies.

I swear there's so many huge hit movies. Totally. I watched True Lies not that long ago. And the two things that struck me about True Lies in watching it, I saw it in the theater, you know, whatever, when I was 14 or something. But the two things that struck me about True Lies were, number one, Tom Arnold is legitimately great in it. Tom Arnold is fantastic in True Lies.

No wonder it made him a star. Gotta be coked up out of his mind, right? Who knows? No, I think, honestly, I think he was clean and sober by the time he did True Lies. Yeah, I feel like he got clean and sober, I'm trying to remember from doing research for the interview, but I feel like he got clean and sober in like time he did True Lies. Yeah, I feel like he got clean and sober. I'm trying to remember from doing research for the interview, but I feel like

he got clean and sober in like 89 or 90 or something like that. Also, I feel like he's one of the people that got attracted to drugs because that was already his energy.

Yeah. Yeah, fucking coke. Let's do that. Let's do that. You know? But yeah, Tom Arnold is like funny and also good at acting

and like basically carries the movie. I still, I mean, I just remember like seeing that in the theater and like the one joke that like stuck with me as being hilarious uh was uh he's getting shot at and he hides behind a pole or a post or something and after the gunfire barrage is over he like checks himself for bullets he like checks himself to make sure he's shot and then he grabs his crotch to make sure he wasn't shot there, and then lets out a sigh of relief.

I feel like from that era, I remember that joke, and in a league of their own, when John Lovett said, well, time to go give the wife a little pickle tickle. Those are like the two jokes of my childhood. Yeah. Tom Arnold, never a subtle comedian. No. The other thing that I remember about re-watching that movie a year or two ago uh actually kind of i enjoyed watching it i if you're looking for a dumb movie to watch you could do a lot worse i remember liking that movie um but uh arnold schwarzenegger is horrible

he's like not compelling in any way he's a total zero he's he's got that he stumbled onto the same thing that keanu reeves stumbled on which is that if you look a certain way and have a certain like i can be an action hero look about you if you can be cast in something where your deficiency is a positive for example like arnold schwarzenegger is wooden and stiff and can't act let's make him be a robot genius perfect right keanu reeves is like sort of clueless surfer guy. Whoa, I know Kung Fu. Neo doesn't know anything.

He's fucking clueless about the world that he's in. And he spends every scene in that movie going, what, what, what? Right, yeah. Perfect. We've – to be the stranger in a strange land, we've cast a guy who always looks like he doesn't know what's going on. Keanu, you're not on your mark. What? Yeah, let's just roll.

Let's just roll. You know, use it. Use it. Use that confusion. You know, I think what happened is like I think no one will ever be as famous again as Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the late 80s. Right, right. The movie star-ness. That sort of Eddie Murphy, Arnold. Yeah.

Doesn't happen anymore. Bruce Willis. Yeah, it doesn't really. Yeah, Bruce Willis will never play rock harmonica at the opening of his own restaurant again so we want to sell wine coolers let's get bruised yeah walk this way i don't know uh i don't know what's playing in that wine but yeah but i think that was to the point where he was just such a such a thing that probably a director couldn't even tell him you did that right right like i bet it was to the thing where probably a director couldn't even tell him you did that wrong. Right, right. Like, I bet it was to the thing where, like, oh, we couldn't understand that line.

I don't know, do you want to tell him? Guy who's directing Demolition Man, Simon West? No, sorry, that's Sylvester Stallone. Anyway, what's a bad answer? Commando. Commando. Listen, there are moments in Commando as a child, a child watching on, like,

HBO in my home in North Carolina. I was like... Quit bragging. Not South Carolina. Fucking North Carolina. Ooh, whoa. And not stars. Shall I accompany you to the North Carolina coterie? Burlington Coat Factory, here we come.

There were moments in Commando where I thought, hey, just guess. Maybe just take a look at that and rethink that shot. Yeah. Like in Commando, he like raids the compound at the end or whatever. Commando is the one that has the famous scene of just Arnold strapping on weapons. Sure. It's like gun in this holster, paint on this eye, grenade, grenade, knife. And then he attacks this big- Tiny rocket launcher.

Right. There's a big rocket launcher and then a little rocket launcher. He has several different rocket launchers. He attacks this compound and he's killing guys and blowing guys up. And at a certain point, you realize every guy that dies via an explosion executes off a trampoline a perfect one and a half. Right. His arms are folded right and he does the spin. You're like, that looks ridiculous.

No one saw that? No one caught that in the dailies? Like, I'm a child. Right. The amazing death dance. It's like a gymnast going off of a pommel horse. It's ridiculous. It would be fun if Arnold Schwarzenegger was in one of those movies, but it was set in like Samaritz or something.

Somewhere where there's like skating waders. You know what I'm talking about? No. Yeah, there's like a thing. Ice skating waders. Okay. And it's like in like a Swiss

ski show. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. Were you watching Frozen with your kids last night? No. This is Frozen. This is Frozen.

This is the end of Frozen when they're ice skating around. It has a lot of murders in it. Because what i'm imagining is people like attempted murder blown in them and then they skate backwards it's like the ice it's like the it's like that those leaps and dances but combined with the elegance of being on skates i think after batman and robin we do not want arnold anywhere near ice okay he played mr freeze Freeze in a movie that had, like that was when every action movie was trying so hard to come up with the I'll be back.

So as Mr. Freeze, it's just like, chill out. Doesn't it seem like every movie after that, like until now, has been a reaction in some way to Batman and Robin, like not wanting to be Batman and Robin, just trying so fucking hard. I had a sketch that I was always pitching to my sketch group about Arnold Schwarzenegger

going in for the meeting for Mr. Freeze. And they're pitching it to him. They're like, it's great. You've got all these amazing catchphrases. Be cool. Chill out.

Arnold's like, oh yes, I've thought of some myself, too. I would play Arnold Schwarzenegger, by the way, because my impression is so good. He's like, I also have some catchphrases I would like you to put in the movie. I'm ice guy. He just didn't understand how to make a good ice pun. And they had to, like, break it to him that it wouldn't work. Yeah, there's actually no puns in Austria in Germanic languages.

They don't exist. Right. He can't comprehend that concept. My gun shoots cold ice. Didn't work. Yeah, there's actually no puns in Austria in Germanic languages. They don't exist. Right, yeah. He can't comprehend that concept. My gun shoots cold ice. You are now frozen and cannot move. I don't know. It's good.

It's good. Do some more. Do some more. Yeah, we'll roll around there and see if it works. Anyway. Look at how powerful I am with ice shooting. Yeah. Vis-a-vis the coolness of the room that I am currently in. Your temperature is now dropping.

You're probably dead from freezing. How do you like that, Kelvin? Because you see, Kelvin is a unit of heat measurement. He's looking right into the camera as he's saying this. Yeah, man. He's doing that action with his hands that's rolling forward so you can see he's explaining something. By the way, that was Werner Herzog. Yeah.

You did. Lied into Werner. Werner Herzog did direct Batman and Robin, right? Yes. Here in this cave with these bats, he's tormented by the death of his parents. You know, you've seen you've seen batman versus the joker sure you've seen batman versus uh the sand man we'll get out of here question mark question sure

so many comic book guys are just at home gripping their fucking computer oh it's pissing me off i know he doesn't mean it, but it's wrong. You've seen Batman vs. the Joker. You've seen Batman vs. the Riddler. You've seen Batman vs. Ra's al Ghul. You've seen pre-teen Batman who's not even fucking Batman anymore yet on Fox. Have you seen Batman vs. the cruel and unknowable darkness of nature? His greatest foe yet.

You cannot run from the temperatures that are creeping outside of the window. Between Marvel and DC, I think we've got 40 comic book movies planned between now and 2020. Let Werner Herzog direct one of them. Give him one. It could be something B-list. Just trim Hemsworth. Booster Gold. I don't know.

There's definitely something. Booster Gold is on the raft. Water, water everywhere, but nary a drop to drink. All you got to do is trim like Chris Hemsworth's conditioning. Madness is beginning to consume Booster Gold. His only friend, the hole in the head of the porpoise. What? Do you know who this character is?

Do you know who your character is? Booster Gold and his loyal sidekick, an albino tortoise, over 220 years old. This movie will be filmed in real time and all in a cave. Werner, there's no way we're casting CCH Pounder. Just listen. It's a superhero movie. She's great. We love her. She's great. Yeah. Oh, and you have to set up

Justice League Dark at the end. Just, as long as you do that, as long as you tease. We need like eight minutes post-credits. You have to tease Constantine at the end, but then you're fine. Just do whatever the fuck you want. Constantine. Booster Gold's single-minded dedication to building the tallest castle in all of Bavaria. He's not about helping people at all, just building this castle. Just once.

He's completely obsessed with building this castle. I feel like you could just trim Chris Hemsworth's hair and makeup budget for the next Avengers movie and Werner Herzog could make Booster Gold. You know what? Why? Werner Herzog's been doing some acting. I know a lot of people were upset with Ben Affleck as Batman. Maybe we could get Werner Herzog as Batman. Sure, sure.

I mean, it could be a Frank Miller, Dark Knight Rises, like older Batman. Kind of coming out of retirement because he feels the world needs him again. Do you know who I am? I don't know who I am. Perhaps we can find out. That's not. I am Batman, but also so is everyone else. We are all Batman. Robin, we are powerless in the face of the unknowable forces of nature.

And then Robin is just a tree with sunglasses. Who's he talking to this whole time? It's Scandinavian pop sensation Robin. Oh, right, yes, yeah, exactly. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Jesse, go. And I would like to kick off this little Max Fund Drive discussion with some good news. Let's hear it. We just explodified our goal of 2000 new and upgrading donors. Excellent. Destroyificated it. Five days into the drive. Hot damn. We did it. It is absolutely unbelievable. That's the good news.

The bad news is almost certainly, Jordan, you and I are going to have to buy a boat on Craigslist and record a show. We're not quite to the 2,500 stretch goal yet, but if you out there right now go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, I think Jordan and I are going to have to buy a boat and record a show from the middle of MacArthur Park Lake as promised. I did, by the way, we were talking about Gilligan core last time. As a style choice. Yeah. I bought a Gilligan shirt. Okay.

And I already have Gilligan pants. Okay. And I'm wondering if you're willing to dress as the skipper. What does the skipper wear? He wears like white- Captain hat. Captain hat. Polo.

Navy blue captain hat and like a blue polo shirt. I mean, to kind of commemorate the new Werner Herzog film where he's lost at sea, can I just dress as Booster Gold? Yes, absolutely. Can you guys like stand up paddle board across? I guess that's not quite technically a boat. Yeah, it doesn't have... It's a water recreation craft. I've been looking at listings on Craigslist,

and I'm really focusing in on ones where it says floats or does not leak, which is only like half of them. Yeah. Feels like maybe you shouldn't even mention that if it floats if it doesn't leak it's one of those like i definitely don't have vd so we should go to have sex right now like don't why would you oh it seems like you do like because there's this penicillin on your nightstand yeah good to have it's just general it's just good to have i'm just gonna trade it it's like lemon juice for household uses it's just good to have. It's just general. It's just good to have. I'm just going to trade it. It's like lemon juice for household uses.

It's just good to have it around. Soon. And yeah, so I think it's really looking like we're going to have to buy this boat. Okay. But we also have a bigger stretch goal. Sure. 4,000 donors. If we get to 4,000 donors during this pledge drive, not only will Jordan and I buy a boat on craigslist and do a show from the middle of

macarthur park lake not only will travis mcelroy get a my brother my brother and me tattoo which he is promising to do uh but we will record two additional bonus episodes in addition to the one that we've already put in the tank um and there will be three donor bonus episodes this year. And for every donation over 2,000, every new and upgrading donation over 2,000, five meals to hungry families. That's great. Courtesy of MaximumFun.org. They have to be eaten in the middle of MacArthur Park Lake. You've got to eat them. We're going to keep them.

And they have to have their own boat. You can't just be getting everybody boats. You know like when you're a little kid and you're at a swimming pool birthday party and the dad just throws a handful of pennies? It's like that with meals. Exactly. We just put them at the bottom of the lake. Get some hungry mans. You go down there and you see what you can find.

Sure. Is it a gun? Sure. Is it a syringe? Is it a discarded hypodermic needle? Yes. Is it a nice Swanson's Salisbury steak? Yeah.

Let's hope so. Jordan, you actually – you had a tweet about – that I thought was a very useful way of thinking about supporting the Max Fund Drive. Sure. Which was about what you do like when you go out to a bar or something like that. Oh, sure. This is – yeah. I wanted to bring this up because I think this is a good – it is a little bit hard to wrap your head around voluntarily donating to something you use. I think we're all kind of used to just shit being free these days. Or the shit costing money and we just have basically work for tips. We don't have a salary. I don't have a salary.

I only get money for this. Brian only gets money for this if people donate. And then we, so it's like tipping. I only get money for this if people donate. Sure. Yeah, totally. So we're all basically working for tips here. And when you go out to a bar, when you go to a coffee-a-ree-a, you throw the person a bucket drink.

Why not? Caffeinatorium? Sure, yes. The caffeinatoria. Vomitorium? Yeah, the vomitorium. When you go to the vomitorium, you tip the towel guy after he wipes your mouth so you can go back out to the orgy feast. You know, fun, you know, interesting point of fact.

Mm-hmm. This is going to be good. Vomitoria are actually where you enter and exit the stadium. Oh, this is so interesting, Internet. Oh, Internet, this is so interesting. Speaking of that guy, I put this up, and I think it's a great way to look at this. Because, yeah, I mean, you tip a bartender a dollar and you don't think anything of it. It doesn't really affect your bottom line.

You're not like, oh, shit, I'm a little short this month because of all those bartender tips I gave out. Yeah. So it's the kind of thinking about it is, you know, giving giving if you like a show, give the person, you know, a buck a show or thereabouts. And yeah, and I got a lot of good response to that. And a lot of people, you know people retweeted it and it seemed to make sense. But also who I got to hear from when I tweeted that is the I don't tip on principle contingent. And I was – How many American flags were in their avatars? And I saw our buddy Eliza Skinner last night. She's like, oh, how's the Max von Dre going? I'm like, oh, good. I put up this thing about kind of treating tipping podcasts like tipping bartenders and got all these I don't tip people.

She's like, oh, you should have just told them that you weren't speaking to them. You were speaking to all the people who aren't horrible monsters. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Yeah, and usually I do not – my policies don't engage on the internet. I think the mute button is your friend. Use it liberally. Mute liberally. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, and usually I do not, my policies don't engage on the internet. I think the mute button is your friend. Use it liberally. Mute liberally.

Yeah, sure. Have you ever preemptively blocked anyone? Oh, because you see their avatar and you're like, this guy's going to be trouble. I've seen someone that I know having like a sort of back and forth with someone. You're just like, I don't ever want to say something similar to this person. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Just in case this guy ever focuses in my direction, he cannot. Yeah.

So, I mean, I didn't engage the guys who outed themselves to me as proud non-tippers. So I guess you didn't get any feedback from me. I mean, I'll say it here. Go fuck yourselves. Go fuck yourselves. You're a monster. That's what makes – listen, I know America is a problematic nation. We're not perfect.

But I think something beautiful we do is we tip our fucking bartenders. And it's something to be proud of. God damn it. Actually, this came up on Judge John Hodgman maybe six months ago because we had a case about tipping housekeeping at hotels. And then we had a couple of docket cases about tipping in general. And these I don't tip on principle people came out of the woodwork. And here's the thing. Whether or not you think that tipping is the best way to do things, it is the way that things are done. And it's how people who are in a difficult position having a service industry job are paid

it's with completely within your power to pay them just pay them you know what i mean it's not that hard i also you can look if you want to patronize restaurants where they don't tip and it's all folded into the bill go for it i got no problem with or maybe you just always take five other people when you go out to dinner. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to have to add- I just want to be in my bill. I don't have to bring up the calculator on my phone.

Yeah. Yeah. But moral of the story is, I think that that idea of tipping a bartender is a great one because above and beyond just the idea that you pay for the shows, I feel like a buck a show is like – it seems like a really reasonable guideline to me. If you've got a job, you could afford to drop that money. Whether it's you listen to one show, it's five bucks a month. You listen to a couple shows, it's 10 or 20 bucks a month.

But that's an amount of money that you can totally afford and you will get sweet thank you gifts. Yeah, like there's also stuff. It doesn't just go into the ether, and you don't just get a warm feeling. You get physical stuff, and if you haven't donated before, there are a shit ton of bonus episodes. Yeah, right now, somebody asked me,

somebody donated and tweeted me because they were surprised that it was all of the bonus episodes from all time and not just this year's single bonus episode. There are presently more than 50 hours of bonus episodes that you get. If you are having some, if you have some maybe summer travel on the horizon, you know, you're going to be in the car on a plane a lot and you need some, you just need a fucking lot of shit to listen to.

This is a good value, I would say. If you're one of these completists that's listened to every episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go or is working your way through, first of all, God bless you. Second of all, great news. There's more that you haven't listened to. Yeah. But yeah, go to maximumfund.org slash donate. Even five bucks a month gets you access to all that bonus content. 10 bucks a month, you get that in a tote bag. 20 bucks a month, you get that plus the in-flight power pack, which is a device charger, a water bottle, antibacterial wipes, and yes, pilot wings. $35 a month, you get all that stuff plus the shot glasses.

It's super easy to become a MaxFun donor, and it is the thing to do that will make you feel awesome about listening to every MaxFun show that you listen to. So go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. It is how we get paid. It is the literal way that are it's where our money comes from i don't know if you've noticed if you've listened to uh you know i don't know the corolla show or something like that recently and you've noticed the toyota compact sedan podcast yeah exactly it's all about we don't do that stuff we don't get involved in all of that stuff we never have more than two sponsors on an episode and rarely do we have two sponsors on an episode.

We keep it short and tight and we turn down a lot of sponsors that we think are shady. Our real money stream does not come from advertising or from sales or from merchandising or from live shows or whatever. It comes from your donation. So go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. it comes from your donation so go to maximumfund.org slash donate and if you're not doing it you know for us conceivably if you're listening to the show you like it and you want it to continue but more than that do it as a just a big fuck you to the non-tippers of the world just so the next time you're i can't imagine you would run into one of these people in public because they're probably fucking cave trolls but if you

run into one in public and they try and talk you into their philosophy their ein randian philosophy of not tipping bartenders you can say oh hey go fuck yourself and also i'm a good person and i not only tip my bartenders but my podcasters too and uh trim your goddamn neck beard. Jordan, I can totally see you running into these people. All of us in our lives at some point have to pass under a bridge. That's true. That's true. With the two other goats who are part of our family. And, hey, if you tweet about the Maximum Fun Drive, we are giving away tickets.

We're giving away a ticket to Maximum Fun Con on our live streaming show, which is on Friday night, the last night of the pledge drive. You can find all the information at MaximumFun.org. But just tweet about it with the link MaximumFun.org slash donate and the hashtag MaxFunDrive so we can find it, make a great, funny, interesting tweet, and you might get a free trip to MaxFunCon. It's going to be held in Vernon this year, I believe. Yeah, it is.

Absolutely. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Coe. It's Jordan and Jesse Coe. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick Repeat Adams. Do you guys want to help me unpack something that happened recently?

Jordan, I love unboxing videos. No, I'm not talking about my new iPad mini. I'm talking about a life experience that left me confused. I just really want to tip my hat to Nick for saying Samsung Galaxy Note. It was really good. That's definitely the best thing to unbox in an unboxing video. Sure. Or Batman Bust.

We also would have accepted Batman Bust. Sailor Moon Bust? Something made of vinyl. Yeah. Right. moon bust? Something made of vinyl. Yeah, right. So I did, I was asked to do a comedy show last night. They wanted an appearance from my now classic character, coked up Michael Bay. Sure, that's like one of the most beloved recurring characters in the stage based Los Angeles alternative comedy world. Yeah, I mean, I think people are gonna, you know, when when we get,

you know, those retrospectives, years from to, you know, when we get, you know, those retrospectives years from now, you know, the coffee table book. Right. When there's an oral history of stage-based L.A. comedy 2013 to 2015, talking about this magic period, I think a lot of people are going to have a lot to say about Coked Up Michael Bay. And they can say that, yeah, they could say, like, I was there. Yeah. I saw it. Right. I Bay. And they can say that. Yeah. And they could say like, I was there. Yeah.

I saw it. Right. I saw the time he pitched Christmas movies. Sure. It was originally Coked Up Brian Grazer. And I was like, no, no, no, Jordan. That's true. I should mention that Nick helped me workshop the character.

We did it at the Actors Gang. And it was just a real, it was a journey. And thank you for going on that journey with me. My pleasure. So. I don't think you could have done it without tim robbins no i mean he was instrumental i mean he helped as a director he's so under people don't understand that he's not just an actor he's got a lot of insights yeah and he's very tall i came up with the text but tim brought it to life and that's why it was almost as funny as the player. They don't just put anything up at the Mark Taper Forum.

It's like an exhaustive process. Yeah, sure. But, you know, we had been wanting to work together for a while. Did previews in Rancho Cucamonga. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So many people outside of Los Angeles are going to love this bit. The Ranch Cuc crowd loved it.

They're going to just. It's a funny name. I think you can appreciate Rancho Cucamonga being a funny name. Rancho Cucamonga plays. Are you and Tim Robbins still going to do that onstage conversation at Zocalo Public Square? Yes, we are. Moderated by Dana Stevens. It's going to be great.

Try to foster the public interest. He's going to talk to me, but Dana Stevens is going to moderate the conversation. So she's going to be great. Try to foster the public interest. He's going to talk to me, but Dana Stevens is going to moderate the conversation. So she's going to be like, whoa, don't go there, Tim. Then it's on to the Cleveland City Club. So I thought when I got this invitation to do this show that it was at a comic book store turned venue on Ventura. It was a comic book store turned venue on Ventura. Okay. It was a comic book store turned venue in Ventura.

Oh. Which is an hour away. Yes, yes. So not only is it- It might as well be in Rancho Cucamonga. It might as well be in Rancho Cucamonga. If you do Rancho Cuc, you get five minutes at the top just on the name. Right, exactly.

What is this town, a caveman? Anyway. If it's in San Dimas, at least you can say san dimas high school football rule i just try and open up live comedy with that anyway yeah it's a beloved yeah it's a beloved catchphrase uh so you know in this so you know i was i was like okay well i gotta kind of plan my night let's map out this place oh ventura anyway uh so I was bummed. The comedy show actually turned out being really great, and it was in a very colorful part of Ventura. Ventura, I don't know how to describe it to someone who's not here.

I've never been to Ventura. It is – it's a little slice of Orange County adjacent to L.A. Gotcha. I guess if you go an hour north or south of L.A., it just turns into that. Yeah. Right. Is Magic Mountain adjacent? That's Valencia.

Oh, that's right. I know. There was no Hamburger Hamlet where I was at, Nick. Ventura is like halfway between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. That's about where it is.

And the comic book store was a really cool place. It was called Hypno Comics. If you're in Ventura, I suggest going there. Nice folks. Great store. Now, Jordan, are you saying that of your own free will? I am, yes. The Hypno Comics people... You know, they did show me the spinning coin that I thought was really interesting.

But it was in a strip mall with... And I'm not I'm not saying dive bar in the hipster sense I'm saying dive bar this is a dump it was called Broken Dreams of Ventura Ventura Dreams

and that was Saturday morning after the comic book after Saved by the Bell came Ventura Dreams. I just bailed on my own joke. Right. With music by Raspberry Jizz. And the comic book store shared a bathroom with this bar.

There's kind of a central bathroom in the middle of this strip mall. Okay. Yep. Okay. Yep. Okay. Yep. And so I'm going around the corner to the bathroom. Just to touch up your makeup. To touch up my makeup. I apply flour to my face to make it look like I've been snorting

blow for this character. And out of the dive bar come two, just two of Ventura's finest. These two So cops came right out of the dive bar come two, just two of Ventura's finest. These two. So cops came right out of the dive bar. Right. Well, I say not, no. I'm saying that these are two kind of women in their 40s

who are just kind of covered in rockabilly tattoos. What my wife and I would refer to as classy ladies of Ventura. Yes, exactly. The real housewives of Ventura. And, I mean, they're stumbly cartoon drunk. And so they're kind of leaning on each other. They were drinking the XXX jug. Yes, they were drinking out of a jug.

And then they look at me and they see me going for the bathroom. And one just locks eyes with me. Just locks eyes with me. Clunk, clunk. Yeah. And she says to her friend, oh, my God, give me an egg. So the friend reaches in her purse and pulls out a Ziploc baggie with Easter eggs in it. Ziploc baggie has like four Easter eggs in it.

She takes one of them, walks over to me, cracks it on my head, and confetti falls out all over my face, and then they just leave. Yeah! So. What? I think I'm married to this woman now. I think I have a. I think I have a. She has squatters rights in your apartment.

Yeah, yeah. I cannot testify against this woman in court. That is. You know what? I am an attorney in Ventura County. Oh, yeah. I cannot testify against this woman in court. That is, you know what? I am an attorney in Ventura County. Oh, really? Okay. I'm licensed only in Ventura County. Just saying that makes you an attorney in Ventura County.

Yeah. In the presence of like three witnesses. And that is called a Ventura common law marriage. Wow. If you have shared an Easter egg of confetti with someone, you are – that's why Rick Taylor is married to so many people in Ventura. I can't imagine I owe any kids child support. The law is worded trickily because you have to give negative – you don't have to give affirmative consent. You have to say – so if you don't say anything, you're just married.

One of those situations where like I knew something was going to happen. Right. And I guess I – I mean we were far enough away. We were hoping that it would be sexual. Sure, yes. just married one of those situations where like i knew something was going to happen right and i guess i i mean we were far enough away that it would be sexual sure yes yeah right that these two 40 year olds are like let's find a pudgy dork and go to town on him and then she was like can you hand me an egg yes you don't have children so you don't know how it works no i don't know how it happens yeah um but i chose to just kind of stand there and let it wash over me. Literally.

Something is going to happen. Let the confetti from the egg literally wash over you. Yeah. Which means a sober 40-year-old woman prepared confetti eggs prior to going out drinking with her friend. You know what I think this is about, Jordan? I think this is about people seeing that you have curly hair and assuming that you're fun. Yeah. He's up for this.

Yeah. I guess I'm kind of fun. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah. And the thing is, this was not a party gift. This was a – I mean, I picked it out of my hair.

It was eggshell. Like, it was real. Wait a minute. It was a real egg? It was a, I mean, I picked it out of my hair. It was eggshell. Like, wait a minute. It was a real egg? It was a real egg. When you said Easter egg, I just assumed as soon as I heard this thing about, I assumed it was like one of those plastic. See, I knew. Two halves.

I know how they get down out in Valencia. I mean, I think, isn't there something where you can kind of pinhole an egg and suck out the yolk? Yeah. But then you got to like let it dry, right? You can't have it. Yeah. You've got to let the yolk dry out. Well, how do you get the confetti in there?

Oh, the confetti's already in there. You just blow the yolk and the... Yeah. Oh, yeah. Eggs are naturally filled with confetti. I don't know. I don't know how these things are created. It's a mystery.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened and what the mechanics were. These are some very crafty rockabilly women. Very crafty rockabilly women. They probably put their own poodle appliques on their skirts. I like the idea, too, that before they just go down to the local dump for a pint, they're like, let's make some complicated crafts and smash them on strangers to delight and confuse them. It's not a lot to do up there.

You have this needle point of Brian Setzer. Sure, exactly. These are maybe more misfits, rockabilly ladies, than Brian Setzer. I just picture minor difference. I'm just saying that in case April Richardson is listening. I just picture Brian Setzer's finger on his mouse hovering over the donate button. Hearing that. Not today, assholes.

Giant's horn section. Oh, I was shredding. Oh, Brian Setzer was shredding? Yeah. Pass me my giant guitar. Oh, sorry. In my imagination, Brian Setzer has his hand on the thing. He finds out that it's not, that we made fun of Brian Setzer.

He takes his hand off, points to his trombone, and they go. Is that guy just there? Knock off early, boys. That's what he plays on the guitar. That's what he plays on the guitar. I'm glad I pay you guys $50,000 a year. Who wants the white swingers? Again.

We just watched that on the way to that lake where we performed. That lake run by a county that you have to pay $3 to get into all summer. Yeah, they have a portable DVD player in the back of the van. You know, you used to watch Swingers. I wish we were in Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, they say to themselves. Goddamn Voodoo Daddy.

Fucking Voodoo Daddy. DVD? But yes, I had another confusing subculture thing happen. Wait, so you're attributing this to their rockabilliness? I guess. You think that punk rock rockabillies, like psychobillies, they're into cracking eggs of confetti on people's heads? It has something to do with their subculture.

I think it's just kind of general. I think it goes with craftiness. You think that on the Reverend Horton Heatats blog, there was a post about- He also has some needlepoint shit. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So I was driving in North Hollywood.

Don't want to brag. I get around, guys. Thank you for saying- I go everywhere. I go to Ventura. I go to North Hollywood. Thank you for not saying no-ho. Yeah.

I go to San Dimas. Oh, San Dimas High School football rules. Yeah, they do rule. Yeah. Carlsbad, you name it. I'm there. Oh, Carlsbad, home of tip-top meats. I'm headed there this week.

I was driving in North Hollywood, and I saw a group of young punk rockers. Now, these were somewhere- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't reading to me. I know, right? If you can get your mind around this. Had you traveled through a time machine shortly beforehand? Yeah.

To 1994? So these were some young punk, in very, like, traditional punk rock attire. This is, maybe they were a, you know, kind of hovering between hot Topic and Gutter Punk. I feel like I have not seen a young punk rock white person in 10 years. North Hollywood. Okay. Yeah. Gotcha. How many safety pins per jacket? I was not close enough.

I am going to say between 10 and 20. There was a leader. Are we talking about homemade rancid patches? They definitely had butt flaps. I did not see what bands. Could have been Vice Squad? They were young.

It's like rings in a tree. It takes time to build up the layers. They just haven't had time. Right, exactly. And, you know, they were a tough-looking bunch, walking around, looking tough, but the leader, the tallest boy, who was the most punk rock of them, who had a butt flap, wearing a wife beater, giant mohawk, was carrying two jugs of orange juice. Where were they going? Were they going to make mimosas? That's all I can.

Were they going to a fun brunch? Yeah. You missed. Go a fun brunch? Yeah. You missed. Go make French toast. Yeah. Out of a nice brioche. A little cream cheese icing on there. I ate a corned beef hash the other day.

It was very punk rock. It sounds pretty punk rock. It really reflected my DIY aesthetic. Right. Exactly. I could have just used canned corned beef, but I didn't. Right, exactly. I could have just used canned corned beef, but I didn't.

Maybe there was another guy walking with two giant things of vodka that you couldn't see. Oh, could have been. And that one guy was the juice guy and the other guy was the vodka guy. Yeah, so they're like, let's go behind the school. Let's go behind the gym and have screwdrivers. Here's what I think. Sure. I think there was another guy, and I think that you're sort of right, Jordan.

They were planning on making mimosas, but the other guy didn't have magnums of champagne. He had Martinelli's sparkling cider because they were straight edge. Straight edge. Yeah, these are minor threat kids. Sure. Straight edge brunch.

Straight edge punk brunch? Yeah. Oh, if that exists, I want to go. Hey, we got Brendan Canty from... We got Ian McKay's coming over. Yeah. We're going to make some scrambles. We're going to make a nice goat cheese scramble.

Oh, yeah. That would be... Well, you're not making Ian McKay a goat cheese scramble. Oh, sure. Bro, bro, bro. Yeah, maybe a soy – Yeah. I mean, when you say –

Soy basil scramble. When you say goat cheese, it's assumed now. Unless you say real cheese, it's assumed that you mean like vegan cheese. Oh, okay. So when you say goat cheese, you mean soy cheese? Goat is – That's just another way of saying it. Goat is Spanish for fake.

Gotcha. soy cheese. Goat is Spanish for fake. Gotcha. Just all gross tasting cheeses now fall under the cutting of goat cheese. Just general. But yeah, I mean, I kind of like the idea that young toughs

are getting together. They're having brunch. They're getting a lot of vitamin C. We want to rock out. We absolutely want to fucking wreck shit. Sure. But if I don't get my vitamin C, I'm no good. You're going to be sleepy. I'm just no good. I'm no good.

You're going to be sleepy. What are you going to do? You know, a lot of those early punk rock guys, you know, they were missing teeth and people assumed that it was because their teeth had been punched out in a mosh pit or whatever. Actually, it was scurvy. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I think- Insufficient vitamin C.

Young punk rockers are susceptible to a lot of naval diseases. I think that's the danger of being punk rocked. That's what London... Let's be clear, not diseases of the naval. No, no, no.

Diseases that you would get in the Navy. Yeah, sure. Nautical diseases. London Calling is about... That's what it's about, guys. It's not... It's about scurvy.

It's about diphtheria. It's about being consumed by syphilitic madness. Sure. Well, Jordan, I really enjoyed your explorations of Los Angeles' subcultures. Yeah. They're a lot of fun and craftier than you'd think. I have been kind of melancholy lately.

I've been taking this photography class at the Barnes Doll Art Center here in Los Angeles. It's a park, city park in Los Angeles. And it's like a six or eight person class. And I've talked a little bit about it. But last week was the second to last class. And this coming week will be the final class. And I'm really starting to miss this one woman in the class, Alice. final class and i'm really starting to miss this one woman in the class alice she was out sick last week and i felt what it will be like to not have her in my life in the future she's like a 60-ish

armenian woman who disagrees with everything the teacher says um and she is like very bright eyed. Um, and she's sort of my hero. I would say like she has a, she has a punk rock edge to her, um, in the way that only someone who clearly really loves her grandchildren and doesn't take shit from anyone can have. Sure. Sure.

Um, and I'm, I like, my heart is heavy missing alice and i haven't even had my last class yet but just preemptively alice is sort of the light of my life like she'll she's everything she says in class yeah i find myself inside my mind and sometimes outside my mind accidentally like pumping my fist like you tell us do you have do you have an example um like like the first week she said like uh like the teacher was sort of talking about different stuff and uh and she said she raised the teacher was like introducing the class and she

raised her hand and the teacher like not in a time when the teacher was introducing the class, and she raised her hand, and the teacher, not in a time when the teacher was taking questions, and he said, yes, Alice? And she said, what are we learning in this class? And he's like, well, that's what I'm talking about right now. And she's like, okay. Like what's great about it is she has such a positive attitude about everything and she's legitimately she's one of those people who's like not really being funny on purpose but

can tell that she's being funny which is a really nice like she's not clueless at all. She's very clueful, but I wouldn't characterize her as witty or anything. So, like, she will just kind of raise her hand, say something completely out of the blue, like,

I don't think I like this photograph, you know, or whatever, when we're looking at, like, fucking Richard Avedon portraits or something, you know. And then she'll go, you're like, yes, Alice! Alice wins again!

Is that Sherry O'Terry? It's basically... It could be Sherry O'Terry. I don't know exactly how old. And, you know, now that I think about it, she more stands on her chair than sits on it in a sort of... She sort of crouches

on top of her chair. Kind of like a Mr. Peepers move she's doing. So he could possibly be the chair. Like a, yeah, just a mid-90s SNL. Yeah.

She has a mid-90s SNL vibe to her. Oh my God. Do you think you guys could hang out after the class? How about the room of fourths? Like outside of the class? There's this,

sometimes she speaks in Armenian with the other 60-year-old Armenian lady in the class so they don't know each other from outside the class other than that they're just both stoked that they signed up for this six-person class and two of the people happen to be 60-year-old Armenian ladies.

And the other Armenian lady is like the quietest, sweetest person on earth and she doesn't have a computer. That's like one of her defining characteristics. She's in this digital photography class and she doesn't own a computer. That's like one of her defining characteristics. She's in this digital photography class and she doesn't own a computer. You can upload them at the public library. At one point, at one point,

at one point they were having this conversation. Alice had come in just sick to death. Like she was literally looked like she was about to die, but she was sitting in class like she had the flu or something. And she's like, and our teacher is like, Alice, are you feeling okay? And she's like, I'm sick, but it has been three days.

You will not get the flu. And we're like, okay, Alice, that's cool. And then she had this super fast conversation in Armenian with the other Armenian lady in the class. And I said, man, Alice, if you get me sick, I swear to God, I'll murder you. And then, which is a kind of fun thing you can say to Alice. That is a lot of fun. Sure. She gets it.

She's got an edgy sense of humor. Alice gets it. Edgy, dark. And the nice- An edgy FX style sense of humor. And the quiet, sweet Armenian lady, whose name I don't know because she doesn't talk every three seconds in class like Alice does. She goes, did you know what we were talking about? We were speaking in Armenian.

And then she said, oh, you probably heard her say vitamin C. And I was like, yes, that's exactly what happened. Oh, this class is fun. Yeah. I'm going to miss my friends. Yeah. You know, maybe you can organize a little class reunion. You guys could get together.

I don't know. Walk dogs. Oh, I would love to walk dogs with Alice. That would be a lot of fun. I just want to hang out with her. Do you know if she has dogs? She probably has some thoughts on dogs. Yeah, I bet.

She loves to share her thoughts. It's great. Mm-hmm. It is so great. She shares her thoughts. Tell me all your thoughts, odd dogs. Yeah. It's a parody of a mid-90s college rock song.

It's a spoof. Yeah, it's really touching. I didn't know you were such a brilliant melodicist. Yeah, well, you know. I mean, I didn't write the melody. I think that's semi-sonic or something. Nick, did you write the melody? No.

So I think you wrote it because there's only three of us in here. Yeah, you're right. Tell me all your thoughts on dogs, Alice. Alice, you're my fucking hero. It's off. Alice, you're my charming hero. You are the funnest lady I've ever been in class with. I don't think this is a spoof anymore.

You say whatever comes into your head. It's a reinterpretation. And you say it so emphatically that our teacher just kind of stares at you in amazement. Sound, no, it's not sound. But I also think that the teacher wants to date you because you are both cool 64-year-olds. So it's not a spoof anymore. Mine started out as a spoof. Yours was a spoof?

Of what? My feelings for Alice? No, hold on. Let me look up who sang this song. Letters to Cleo? Yeah, it might have been Letters to Cleo. Something like that. Alice, I love you and I'm really gonna miss you.

Hold on. Jesse, just keep free associating. You say lots of stuff after you raise your hand at a part of the class where people aren't raising their hands. I love that you were brave enough to say- Dishwalla. Dishwalla. Dishwalla. Tell me all your thoughts on dogs. Also a suburb of say- Dishwalla. Dishwalla. Dishwalla. Tell me all your thoughts on dogs.

Also a suburb of Seattle, Dishwalla. Sure. What about being brave? Well, you told a 60-year-old Armenian woman that you were going to murder her. Do you know how lucky you are to not be in an empty lot in Glendale somewhere right now? It's a tight-knit class, and Alice gets it. Buried in dominoes. Like, I really want to emphasize here that Alice, while not technically witty or anything, definitely gets what's funny about Alice.

That's what makes Alice fun. She's got like, Alice was just a lady that said weird shit that was sort of off topic and oddly confrontational to the teacher. Then she wouldn't be that great. She's a bit of a dame. She's kind of a broad. She's like, she is. She's like, of a dame. She's kind of a broad. She is. She's like the woman from Downton Abbey.

Oh, yeah. Only she's in my photography class. She's like the dowager countess of Downton Abbey, but for my digital photography class of six people in a weird classroom at a city arts center. Do you think she would like my Dishwalla spoof? No. Yeah. She's not familiar with Dishwalla. Jordan, I'm not like my Dishwalla spoof? No. Yeah. She's not familiar

with Dishwalla. Jordan, I'm not familiar with Dishwalla. Yeah, neither am I. Semisonic. Now, if you spoof Semisonic's classic hit, Closing Time.

Yeah. Closing dogs. One last call for all your dogs. So finish all of your dogs. The laughter will just drown out the rest. It doesn't even...

We won't be too busy laughing. I'm going to write down whatever great things Alice says in the last class. Okay. In the next week because... We make a word collage. I'm really going to miss Alice. There's lots of... Everyone else in the class is very nice, but no one is magical like she is.

What's her Armenian... Is that her real name? Does she have an Armenian name that she Americanized? I don't know. I mean, she introduced herself to me as Alice. So I'm going to take that as it is. She speaks like someone who came to the United States as a 20-year-old but has lived here for 45 years.

Feels like there might be a Better Call Saul type series in this. What happened before Alice came to Glendale? I like a prequel series. I'm going to tell you, I like a prequel series. Has anyone pitched a prequel for a show that doesn't exist? I feel like Alice... This is going to be a great show that people love after five seasons of prequel.

Alice has had a life. This woman's had a life. I would not doubt that this woman was an intelligence officer of some kind at some point I don't I'm not gonna say

whether she was pro or con I'm gonna say she was involved in the genocide I don't know which side she was on I'm just gonna guess do you think at some point

she was in system of a down that's possible okay we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Nick, repeat, Adams. Okay, Max Fund Drive, MaximumFund.org slash donate. This is our last pledge break of the entire year. One year you will never have to hear us ask for your money again. But for this moment, we will ask. We will seize these three to five minutes to beg of you that you go to MaximumFun.org. Please, do it. There's lots of good stuff you can get.

I think we have a— Jordan, your matter-of of fact tone is insufficiently begging you think it should be more pleading Travis McElroy from My Brother My Brother and Me just literally posted a shirtless picture of himself holding his dog

oh that's true I participated in the cheesecake contest Jesse so if you're talking to me about who did and didn't post shirtless photos to coax people into donating, I think I'm patient zero for that. Thank you very much. Yeah, that's a good point. So don't tell me who's not posting enough topless pics on Twitter. I think I forgot because sometimes if I get super aroused, it just sort of passes. Sure, you black out.

You go into a fugue state. Yeah. Here's what happened. Yeah. Here's how much we care about you. Right. And how much we want you to donate. A listener was talking about how he couldn't decide whether his favorite show for the pledge drive was Us, Mbim Bam, or The Flophouse.

All wonderful shows. Great shows. Sophie's Choice plus one. Except for The Flophouse and Mabim Bam. Yeah. But other than them, those are bad shows. Yeah. This is a good show.

Yeah. I really feel like I made a mistake letting those shows into the network. If it's all good, it won't give the stuff a chance to stand. You got to put a shitty show on. It's like you throw a bad comedian in there. Thank you. Yeah. You know, then the good guy.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, right. It's called chiaroscuro. The light and the dark. Sure. The interplay of light and dark. The interplay of good podcast and bad podcast.

No. Flophouse, My Brother, My Brother and Me doesn't get much better than that. No. Absolutely not. Brother and me doesn't get much better than that. No, absolutely not. So to coax the fella into picking Ma Bim Bam as his favorite show, Justin posted a sexy pic.

Justin McElroy posted a sexy cheesecake pic. He's a sexy guy. Yeah. I posted a duck face pic. Duck face pic. It's classic. It's very now, very hip, very in the conversation. Well, if I wanted to be hip now and in the conversation, instead of making the duck face,

I should have made the new duck face, which is I can't believe this is happening face. What? Yeah. Duck face. Sure. It's the new duck face. The Bay had me like. Yeah.

Sure. Elliot from the Flophouse. Great. Elliot Kalin. Mm-hmm. Posted a picture of him looking thoughtful. And sexy. And sexy.

He was smoldering to some extent. Listen, these are all sexy pics in some way. I think that's what unites them, but specifically his was thoughtful. Because, I mean, I think that's his thing is he's the college professor who asks you to stay after class. Right. Can I tell you something? You know what I find more sexy than anything else in a guy? Sense of humor. Me too.

You know what I mean? Just make me laugh. Just make me laugh. And it's over. Yeah. And then I thought that, you know, the game needed to be changed. So I posted a picture of myself on my couch with no clothes on and a copy of the Spider-Man comic that Elliot is writing in front of my junk. So don't tell me I'm not participating.

Oh, and then Stuart from the Flophouse posted a picture of himself in the Tuxpito. Yeah. That was pretty solid. So don't tell me I don't care about the fun drive. I heard Stuart from the Flophouse is opening his own bar in Brooklyn. He's opening his own bar. It's going to be pretty cool. That probably will be.

It'll be a cool hangout. Yeah. Do you think we should go hang out there when we're in Brooklyn? I'm definitely going to hang out there. Yeah. Anyway, MaximumFun.org slash donate. It'd be fun to have your own bar. I feel like all we do on this show is come up with bar ideas.

You polish the marble or mahogany. What kind of bar would we have, marble or mahogany? It's a slab of something. It's a slab. Oh, it's going to be a slab. Do bartenders just have one cup, one glass that they just keep just for the wiping glass? Just like when people walk in so they can be doing this move? Yeah, doing the old wiper. Yeah, just keep a wiping glass. And then when people walk in so they can be doing this move. Yeah, doing the old wiper.

Yeah, just keep a wiping glass. And then when it shatters, it's time to close the bar. You've wiped it too much. It gets thinner and thinner. Gradually over time, it just degrades. Like sea glass. Shut it down. Jordan, you're right.

Your picture was super sexy. Thank you. I actually feel kind of bad because, you know, I have the least sexy picture of all of the pictures. We don't have to stop cheesecake pics now. We can keep going with this. It's not a done deal. You're saying you can come back. I've got a lot of other body parts I want to show off.

My anus, for example. For example, my anus. Beautiful flower, George. Sure. I just love that somewhere there's a kid who gets a, you know, some girl sends him a picture

and it's a little risque and he's like, oh shit, we're full on sexy now. Should I send her a picture of my junk? Should I take a, no, everybody does. She's probably got so many dick,

but you know what? I'm going to... No, I mean, everybody does. She's probably got so many dick pics. You know what? I'm going to take it up a notch. Anus. I'm going to take it up a notch. Waiting for you. Some 19-year-old girl at Arizona State looking at her cell phone during class. Sure. And just seeing a guy's asshole.

I like anus being the new dick pic. Yeah. Sure. That's fun. Fellas. Get to it. Fellas get to snapping them anuses. Okay. I'm going to quit. Yeah. Sure. That's fun. Fellas, get to it. Fellas, get to snapping them anuses. Okay, I'm going to quit.

Selfie stick. Since this is a MaxFunDrive pledge break here, this anus talk, I'm going to quickly recap where we're at on this, okay? Our goal, 4,000 new anding donors. If we make it there, there will be not one, but three donor-only bonus episodes from every show in the MaxFun network. Also, I will take a picture of my anus and not send it to you. Okay, great. If you donate. You won't get a picture of my anus. If you don't donate, you're going to get an anus.

Your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend will probably see your phone buzzing it'll be at an indecent hour too number two every new and upgrading donor from here on out five meals for hungry families through the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank

our friends of the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank I am personally with help from MaximumFun.org donating the money for that. So every new and upgrading donor from here on out, if you haven't signed up or if you would like to upgrade your donation, not only will you be supporting

the podcast you love, you will also be buying five meals for people who need them this spring here in Los Angeles. That's number two. Number three, you can get awesome thank you gifts from the $5 level to the $200 a month level. There are awesome thank you gifts the whole way through. That's number three.

Number four, tip your bartender. Number five, MaximumFun.org slash donate. Boom. Do it. Is that a good recap? It's fun. It's easy. Do it. Is that a good recap? It's fun. It's easy. Anus.

I want to mention, by the way, how this works. Because someone who was listening to the show last week made a post on the Reddit that so astonishingly and deliriously misunderstood how MaximumFun.org operates. I don't know how that could happen on Reddit. I just don't know how someone could get- Someone took something the wrong way on Reddit. Yeah, it's crazy. And then extrapolated from there.

Or someone tried to figure something out and thinks they had done it. So here's how it works. Oh, but before we get to this, I just wanted – if there's somebody out there who's maybe like good with graphics, good with Photoshop, if we can compile these cheesecake photos into one little montage, I think that would be great. Because I think that it was one of those Twitter conversations that it was hard to see unless you follow everybody. So if someone could get on there, I think. Storify. Right. Yeah.

I think somebody, I think the heterosexual women and gay men of the audience would really love to see those. I think, honestly, straight dudes are going to enjoy it, too. Sure. I know I enjoy it. Because they're going to feel better about the shape that they're in. No, they're going to feel ready to go home and have heterosexual sex with a lady. Because they're going to get excited. They're going to be thrilled by things like Elliot Kalin's considered look.

Sure. The fact that he looks thoughtful. Oh, and name us after menu items on the Cheesecake Factory. Oh, great. Yeah. Perfect. I want to be the fried shrimp scatter. Gotcha.

Gotcha. So here's how it works. Okay, here's how the Max Fund Drive works. You go to MaximumFund.org slash donate. You pick a level that you can afford to donate at, whether it's $5 a month or $200 a month or anything in between. You click on that. Then you tell us what shows you listen to. And your money, about 25% of it goes to MaximumFun.org for overhead. We have an office with like half a dozen employees who work full time and get benefits. And we pay rent and we pay for the thank you gifts and all of that different stuff comes out of that money.

And 75% of your donation just goes directly to the shows that you listen to. And that's how they get paid. Nobody in MaximumFun.org is getting rich off of this. I would love to. I look forward in the future to getting rich off of this. That'd be nice. But in the meantime, I want to make it clear that there's literally – there's not a show in the network where the people even make enough money for it to be their full time job. It is something where the amount of money that people make is what allows them to do the show.

So, yeah, it's it's a really straightforward, direct distribution of funds. It is not like Maximum Fundund.org just takes all the money and distributes it however we want. New shows that come into the network, they literally don't have any funding. You know, The Flophouse joined our network maybe six or eight months ago. They need you right now to support them

so that they can get paid. You know, Pop Rocket, the new show that's a spinoff of Bullseye, the pop culture talk show. I am super proud of it. Right now, Pop Rocket, the new show that's a spinoff of Bullseye, the pop culture talk show. I am super proud of it. Right now, none of the hosts are getting paid and I am paying the producer out of my pocket because I believe in the show and I think that people will support it in the max fund drive. That's pretty much how it works. And the smaller shows in our network are getting, you know, hundreds of dollars a month. The bigger shows are getting

a few thousand dollars a month. And they need your support to continue existing. So Maximum Fund.org slash donate. Yeah, no, it's nice. I think the conversation on Reddit was going around, you know, how much money should you expect from doing a podcast? I think the person who was, you know, griping kind of felt like, well, how much money do you need to do a podcast? And I think that it's not a matter of poverty or richness. It's a matter of is this worth doing? I think definitely this show that we do is not helping our careers. I think in fact you could probably say it's hurting them.

When we do live shows, we usually lose money on them. Yeah, definitely. So we are – despite having been around a long time, this is not an insanely popular show. I mean it's – I'm sure we would both love to not ask for money and just do ads. But we just – we don't have enough listeners and it's one of those things that only is around because uh because of cool fans so yeah it's it's it it's not a matter of you know do we want to get rich or not it's just a matter of you know is this worth my time is it worth doing when you know is it worth rescheduling when we're out of town is it worth you know doing an episode when one of us can't be here is it worth you know coming in consistently to make sure we put out episodes

every week and okay i got two i got two sick kids at home right now like right this very second um if this was a hobby and not a job um i wouldn't be here right now sure i love being here don't get me wrong yeah it's like my favorite thing to do in the world. But at the same time, you know, it's fans that support the show so that we get paid to do it that allow me to carve out the time in my life to do it. Yeah. I mean, I think my aforementioned sketch comedy group that did not like my Arnold Schwarzenegger can't pitch catchphrases sketch. I mean, we disbanded recently. And it wasn't because we didn't love doing it.

It was because we did love doing it. We loved each other and it was a good – it was a great creative relationship. This was with your brothers and sisters. This is my brothers and sisters. We had a Partridge Family-esque sketch group. Yeah, but we had to stop because it wasn't a job. We were going into the red putting on these shows and it just wasn't a job. We were, you know, going into the red, putting on these shows and, you know, it just wasn't a priority. So, I mean, I think because people donate, we can make this a priority and not something that we say fuck it to in the way that you want to hear it. We don't have to change the content of the show because of sponsors, because we want to attract sponsors, because we want to appeal to sponsors.

We can do the kind of, you know, I don't know. I like to think of this show as being insanely vulgar and ridiculous, but also very kind-hearted. And at least that's what I aspire to be on this show. And that's something that really works best if you're working directly for your audience and not working for Colgate Palmolive. Sure.

Or Big Dishwalla. I couldn't have done that hilarious Dishwalla spoof if we were being sponsored by their new album. Come on. Some kind of wallah. a spoof if we were being sponsored by their new album. Come on. Some kind of wallah. What do you think? Keishon Cermak has

biting takes on Dishwalla and she can't do it on NPR. Exactly. She just has to do the traffic. It's a local NPR reference. Just gonna crush the 323. Anyway, look, here's the deal. If you got

a job, you can afford to pay for these the deal If you got a job You can afford To pay for these shows If you're Literally still listening To us talk right now Then you love this show Yeah Come on

We're very grateful for that So back us up here Maybe if you really hate it If you like really hate it You're like Hate listening to this Just Oh

It's the worst And you might donate Just to keep We could be some people's podcast Sharknado. And don't miss our live streaming show on Friday night. We're going to have lots

of Max Fun guests. It's going to be really fun. Sharknado's Ian Ziering, maybe? I hope so. Do you think we can get him? Excellent pronunciation. Ian Ziering from Sharknado? Mm-hmm.

Excellent pronunciation. Thank you. He would be so happy to hear you pronounce it right. I think we can probably get him. There are 10 different ways to pronounce that name. All right. I just feel bad calling Morris Chestnut There are 10 different ways to pronounce that name. Alright. I just

feel bad calling Morris Chestnut to let him know he's bumped. Oh yeah. Sorry you're bumped for zeering. Yeah. Doesn't matter how handsome you are. Very handsome man. You haven't aged a day Morris. Nope. Still look gorgeous. As gorgeous as the day is long.

Maximumfund.org slash donate. Look. Bottom line. If you don't go to MaximumFun.org slash donate look bottom line if you don't go to MaximumFun.org slash donate Brian's gonna die Sonny D

Brian Fernandez sitting outside this booth right now depends on you to pay his salary he literally sits at home in North Hollywood where he lives

home of punk rock brunch in his efficiency apartment literally sits at home in North Hollywood where he lives. Home of punk rock brunch. In his efficiency apartment. He has a shower in his kitchen. He showers in the kitchen and he eats cat food for dinner every day. And if you don't go to MaximumFun.org

slash donate, Brian's not going to be able to afford to go to the dollar store to buy cat food to eat for dinner. He's going to end up eating bird seed because it's cheaper in bulk. That's good for his gizzard, though. He's going to have to get the Prosecco instead of the champagne at the Punk Rock. That's the same.

Yeah. You don't want to have to downgrade to Prosecco. He's going to die of scurvy. He also has syphilis and he can't afford penicillin. I'm sure. Prosecco and orange drink instead of champagne and orange juice. Sunny D and Prosecco. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Brian's mimosas are named Sunny D and Prosecco. It's Sunny D and a sparkling California wine. If we're doing Sunny D and Prosecco, put me down for one of those. Like two or three of those. I got a good name for that one. The Cum Brunchster. It's like a cum dumpster but for brunch. All of Brian's mixed drinks are made with drinks you buy in the dairy section of the supermarket.

Sure, like a jug of purple. In a plastic gallon jug. Yeah. Yeah, you know what you don't get on Fresh Air with Larry Mantle? Two jizz jokes. Sure. Don't get it. No.

You don't get it. Yeah. So you know what? And you know what you don't get if you don't live in Los Angeles? Local NPR. Fresh Air with Larry Mantle. So there. You could probably podcast it.

Go to MaximumFun.org Maybe a stream. Maybe a live stream. Oh yeah, you could stream Mantle. We'll see you on our live stream on Friday night at when does that start? 7 o'clock Pacific time, I believe, at MaximumFun.org You can find all the information in the sidebar.

But yeah, don't wait until then. Become a supporter now and tweet about it. Maximumfund.org slash donate. Hashtag MaxFunDrive. We'll talk to you in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Nick, repeat Adam. Okay, look, when something momentous happens to you, like you support MaximumFun.org with a donation at MaximumFun.org slash donate, we ask you to call us on our Momentous Occasions hotline, 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your telephone, 206-984-4FUN. Let's hear our first call this week. Brian?

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests, whatever. I just saw a pretty amazing guy on the bus coming home. He's at the stage, pretty classic. I don't know, motorbiker slash hipster. Black jeans, black t-shirt, black Homburg. And on his arm, a full-sleeve tattoo of Patrick Swayze

from Roadhouse. Basically the movie poster. That was pretty great. Anyways, thanks for the show. Love you guys. Bye. Love you too. First of all. Yes.

See you at home. Because we're married. Thank you for cracking that egg over my head. Yeah. Second of all, I think I'm going to go by Jetty from now on. Yeah. Do you think we should all, could your name be like Archipelago? Oh, sure.

Fjord. Yeah. That's definitely a Fjord nick with an insula adams my name's my name's spiral jetty thorn yeah i think we should just have nautical terms there's absolutely a kid named fjord within like two square two miles of this location yeah yeah absolutely we could name ourselves after earthworks i was in Trader Joe's and heard somebody yelling at a pistol. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Or that kid... Pistol!

Surprise, surprise. Was it a dad whose kid was named Pete and he was like a real good old school basketball fan? Oh, maybe. Could be.

Could be. Trying to... I think that was just that little kid's name. Yeah, probably. You're right. You're probably right. Just his name.

Let's hear another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Dave calling from King Carter, Ontario. Just sharing a romantic occasion. Walking on the back trails of town here. About a half hour into my stroll with our

100-pound puppy. Decided to, you know, had to relieve myself by the side of the trail. So, just step off and do the deed, and my dog proceeds to split back towards me and soak herself in my urine.

So, I learned two things. I don't have a pee fetish, and I need to work on my kegels. Thanks. Bye. Sounds like he had a South American water sports dog. Real breed. 100-pound puppy. So he's got a dire wolf.

Yeah. This guy owns a dire wolf. Game of Thrones totem. I've noticed I don't listen to enough voicemails in my life because nobody leaves me voicemails anymore. There is a guest caller cadence. Have you noticed that? There is, yeah, and a kind of a mock formality.

Yes, yes. I was on a constitutional. So? My dog proceeded to. Yeah, I don't know what it is. It's sort of the way when cops are talking, they say, like, vehicle and automobile and shit. Right. The individual, yes.

I feel like it's like. The individual approached my stream of urine. The canine walks towards me. It's a version of, like, when a townie goes to a college party. And he's like, you know, is everyone enjoying a libation on this fine evening? And he's got a great ponytail.

Yes. Yeah. Look on. I challenge, I challenge callers to either just go with it and speak in old English or try and approximate

your normal tone of voice. Jordan, on the subject of townies. Yeah. I was thinking maybe we'd hold this out for next week after the Max Fun Drive's done, but I feel like it came up naturally.

Sure. We're heading home to Santa Cruz, buddy. Hey, that's right. April 24th, my 34th birthday. Santa Cruz, the home of weird townies. Although, I don't know, maybe it's not like that anymore. Do you think it's the same? I don't know.

Do you think it's just dudes that commute over the hill to Silicon Valley? Oh, I don't know, maybe it's not like that anymore. Do you think it's the same? I don't know. Do you think it's just dudes that commute over the hill to Silicon Valley? Oh, I don't know. I wonder if that is a thing. No, weird people still live in Santa Cruz. I bet. We're doing a show

in Santa Cruz at the Kumbwa Jazz Center. It is the 50th anniversary of UC Santa Cruz. There is a KZSC reunion, our college radio station. We're going to do this show to benefit KZSC

in significant part. And I am putting out a call right now. If you have super good circus skills, if you're super good at the unicycle, you play the didgeridoo or the theremin, please get in touch with us. Email us at jjgoatmax.com. You're putting this out for people in the Bay Area? To people in the Monterey Bay Area. You've got to get new servers. What's your capacity like?

That was the server shutting down. I want to hear Love You by the Free Design as performed on the Didgeridoo. If you do Toove and Throat singing. Oh, sure. If you can do Harmony with yourself singing Love You by the Free Design, we want to hear from you. Email us at jjgoeatmaximumfun.org.

If you and your twin brother can do devil sticks super good. Oh, yeah. If you're super good at devil sticks and you have a special outfit for devil sticking, jjgoeatmaximumfun.org. I just want to pump up this show with a little pizzazz. Oh, sure. A little local flavor. Look, it's not a show at the Kumbwa Jazz Center if there's no circus skills. Absolutely not.

You know, when Christian McBride rolled through the Kumbwa Jazz Center, he knows to bring a theremin guy. That's his opener. He knows to bring some tumblers. When Wood without Medesky or Martin. That's when he does the darker stuff. Oh yeah. Here's the thing about Santa Cruz, okay? If you're in the Monterey Bay area and you

do not attend this show, I'm putting you on blast. Yeah. But I'm also putting people from San Jose and points south to the Santa Cruz mountains on blast if they don't attend this show. Yeah. Get on the Highway 17, the most terrifying highway in America. Go over the bridge.

Get a nice hotel room and spend Saturday at the beach if you have to. Sounds like a lot of fun. This is the first time we've ever done our show in Santa Cruz, our ancestral homeland. Sure. It's the first time I've been back since graduating. This is going to be a beautiful moment in our lives and yours. If you live in San Luis Obispo, that's only four hours from Santa Cruz. Get up there.

Do it. Spend the weekend. Go to the Winchester Mystery House. Aptos, let me hear you. Hit the – where's Capitola? Where's Felton? Where's Ben Lomond? I'm out of cities

that I can think of Scotts Valley thank you Brian San Bernardino Rancho Cucamonga anyway you can find the ticket link on our website

at MaximumFun.org as I said it's a benefit for KZSC I want to sell a lot of tickets for the show and we're going to have a great time. We'll probably have some special guests.

Oh, we're going to have special guests. Probably bring in some special guests. You've got to figure there's going to be special guests. There might be some unwanted. There might be people that you don't want to be there. You have to throw out. If you have a mountain unicycle, JJGoAtMaximumFun.org. If you are in a kazoo band, JJGo at MaximumFun.org.

If we can't find anybody else, a uke will do. Not ideal. It needs to be a little more, something a little more ethnic. Like jazz uke, though. Yeah. Jazz uke. Yeah, jazz uke. If you're the group of eight six-year-old Mexican-American children who claimed the lost bunny that I found

on my last day in Santa Cruz, and you're all grown up now. That would be nice. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. Let's see that bunny. Because we can share that beautiful story with each other. You know what I mean?

That's like, we'll talk about how we, me and Jim Ray, the master of Would You Rather, managed to corner the bunny in the front yard of my house in the beach flats, and we kept it, and we put up a sign that said, Bunny Found. And then a bunch of little six-year-olds, like a bunch of them, like 10 of them, rang our doorbell. And there was one of them was like the ringleader and he had like a little bit of snot coming out of his nose. He was really sweet and he was super shy.

That's how you get to be the leader. He didn't really quite want to make eye contact. And he said, Excuse me, did you find a bunny rabbit? And I was like, yes. And then he's like, I think it's my cousin's bunny rabbit. Could I take a look at it? And so I showed it and he says, okay, let me go talk to my cousin. And then the 12 kids all ran across the street to the cousin's house, conferred with the cousin, came back and said, yeah, that's his rabbit.

Can we take it back? And I was like, yeah. It was probably the greatest thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life. It's a lot of fun. Yeah. It's so beautiful. It's a magical place. All life events should be commemorated by a group of 12 six-year-olds ringing the doorbell.

What was wrong with the cousin? I don't know what was going on with the cousin. That's part of what makes the story so amazing. I just picture at the end of this thunderous applause and then the audience parts and a fully grown adult with a giant old rabbit just walks gingerly towards you. With like, how old rabbits live to be? Bless you, sir. Thank you for delivering to me, via my young cousin,

this rabbit. This beautiful coney. That was like your Honda Odyssey voice. That was like a Honda commercial just now. You switched it up. I drive a Honda Odyssey, and I live here in the beach flats of Santa Cruz.

In the shadow of the Santa Cruz beach boardwalk. My only friend, this fat elderly rabbit. And my six-year-old cousin. Wouldn't it be great if all of this was just a backdoor Honda ad and Jordan just went into the storage capacity of the Odyssey and the mileage? As you can see, my face is grotesquely disfigured. And normally I hide in my apartment behind this mask. But because of the kindness you've done for me, I've found the courage to buy this Honda

Odyssey and travel the world getting over 28 mile per gallon highway. I leased it for only $2.79 per month. Limited time only. Thanks, disfigured stranger. He flies away. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, supportmaximumfund.org with their voluntary money every month. It means a lot to us. It's why we get to do this.

You guys are the best. We really, really, truly appreciate it. The best thing about the Max Fund Drive for me is that we get all these tweets and emails about what our shows mean to people and it's like it's just the coolest shit ever. Yeah, it's really nice. I mean, I think we it's nice to know somebody listens.

It always kind of feels like you're doing these into a void. You're just talking. You don't really know if anybody is listening or getting anything out of it. So, yeah, it's definitely the support from you guys is really nice. But it's also really nice to just have a time of year where people are having fun talking about how much they like the show. It's great. It makes it worth doing. People are having fun talking about how much they like the show.

It's great. It makes it worth doing. I think definitely this is – if not for such awesome fans, we probably would have stopped doing this a long time ago or we would just do this four times a year or something like that. So yeah. So thank you. Thank you for supporting and thank you for giving – being really, really cool fans who we want to do a show for. Our producer on the show, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, on the other side of the glass. Of course, our charming and delightful guest, as per usual,

the great Nick Repeat Adams. Nick, always a joy. Always fun to come into the box. Always great to see you, pal. We'll talk to you next week. Friday night, live streaming on the internet at MaximumFun.org. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Yes, it's in a television commercial right now.

We're aware. Yeah, you're not the first one to break it to us. Which one? It's a Delta ad. And yeah, it's been a steady stream of, have you guys seen this? For about three weeks. We yeah, it's been a steady stream of, have you guys seen this? For about three weeks. We've seen it. Yeah.

Also, a fair amount of, did you guys get a TV show, LOL? Yeah. No, we didn't. No. Thank you for reminding us that this has led nowhere. A 30-second Delta TV show. Yes. You guys got it.

The TV show that happens in the middle of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. That would be cool. It's a new format. Lil shows. Lil Delta shows. Thanks, everybody out there. It is a genuine honor to work for you. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.

Bye-bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.