Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 370: Live at MaxFunHQ for MaxFunDrive 2015

Episode Date: March 30, 2015

Highlights from the live JJGo streamed online from MaxFunHQ to cap off the most successful MaxFunDrive ever!  Guests include MaxFun hosts Carrie Poppy, Ross Blocher, Dave Holmes, Travis McElroy and John Hodgman.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hey gang, this week's Jordan Jesse Go is highlights from the live stream that capped off the 2015 Max Fun Drive. We had an absolutely amazing drive this year. So many thousands of you donated and increased your donations. We're so grateful to you and so grateful to work for you. So anyway, without any further ado, highlights from the Jordan Jesse Go live streaming show. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, the internet right there? Yeah, that's the internet right there. Hi, thanks for all the pornography.

I especially like the MILFs. I don't know what's going on with you, man. I got stuck in San Diego yesterday. Oh, how'd that go? Well, actually, not even San Diego. I went to San Diego for a social media marketing conference. Oh. I was invited. Yeah, that's pretty much the appropriate reaction.

And then SeaWorld thought you were an orca and then trapped you and abused you. Exactly. Blackfish people, watch it. It's an important movie. Watch Blackfish.

Roughly what happened is I should have had the reaction that you just had when I got invited to a social media marketing conference. Yeah. But for some reason I didn't.

I was like, I gotta become an industry leader. I had this idea I was like, I got to become an industry leader. I had this idea in my head. I got to become like a thought leader. I'm guessing the thought leader, sorry. I'm guessing everyone there either had on a garish bow tie or a Ninja Turtle sweatshirt. Nothing in between.

You know what? Like that's what i expected and granted there was a dude wearing a purple suit and a tiny purple not tiny like where it looked like it was tiny on purpose but tiny like it looked like he wanted a normal sized hat but then got one that was much too wait. Wait, Jesse, Steve Harvey was there? It was... Is he a thought leader? God damn it, I just...

My friend Roman just did a TED Talk, and all I got invited to was the social media conference in San Diego. So there was a guy there with a purple suit. Jesse, don't judge yourself by all Roman's accomplishments. God, thank God I don't. So this guy is there in a full purple suit and a purple hat, again,

like not so small that it looked small on purpose, just way too small to be the right size. Like this big, about this big. I'll show the right size. This big. About this big. I'll show the camera there. And he was... If for some reason you're listening to this and not watching, Jesse just made a head pussy.

And he was pulling around a purple... I would call it a drink cart, except that would overstate the fine construction of this thing. Oh, you know who I thought this might be? Formal Hawkeye. It was like a, you know how you can get like a wagon, like a kid's wagon? But it's not like the nice radio flyer wagon it's the one

that's made out of the big pieces of hollow plastic like a sand pit is made out of sure so it was that and then with to his credit purple duct tape he had attached a cooler and he was like full of bru No, it was just full of waters. And he was just walking around... Purple waters? He was walking around blowing a whistle. Like, who are you? What is your personal brand?

Like, this guy is clearly focused on personal branding. World's most fuckable guy. What do you mean? It was a pretty rough scene. And that was character. There were exceptions. And yeah, on the way back, we were headed out of San Diego, you know, 5 o'clock in the afternoon or so after my talk. Can you give me a CliffsNotes version of the talk?

Yeah. Purple suit, get one. Cooler, get one. Drag it around. Get all the pussy. That's it. I mean, have one. Drag it around. Get all the pussy. That's it. I mean, have you ever read the book The Game? I have, yes.

That was pretty much my talk. Oh, sure. Lots about negs. Negging? Yeah. Well, and peacocking. Sure, yeah, yeah. And other things from the game that I don't remember at all.

Yeah, IHOs, MMIs, MMOs. MMA, of course. MMA, sure. My specialty. Yeah. Little MMO,, MMIs, MMOs. MMA, of course. MMA, sure. My specialty. Little MMO, little MMA. Masturbation right to sleep. Oh, by the way, I came up with a cool city nickname for San Diego. You know how there's the Windy City?

Sure. The City of Brotherly Love? A volleyball you can move to? It's known as the Beige City. Oh, okay. A little beige-y. For its buildings, people, and people's personalities. buildings, people, and people's personalities.

We got as far as Carlsbad, which is about an hour north of San Diego. Famous for its caverns. That's true. That's a good point. There's a famous cavern in Carlsbad. And the outlet mall, which is why we stopped. And I noticed that the wheel of my car was like two inches from the wheel well of my car. Like the edge of the tire was like, it was as though I was riding, dipping in a Lolo. It was as though I was dipping in a Lolo.

But there was no switches to throw to get back on the freeway. And yeah, so Colin and I ended up stranded in Carlsbad. The good news is we did make it to Tip Top Meats, the German delicatessen where you point to some meat in their meat case and they cook it for you, a.k.a. the most wonderful place in the world. And we ended up, we tried, we were going to try, we had to get the car towed to a mechanic.

And we ended up, we tried, we were going to try, we had to get the car towed to a mechanic. We tried to get to the train station in time for the train, but we weren't going to be able to get to the train station in time for the train. So we ended up taking... This sounds like the plot of Doc Hollywood. Yeah. Did you guys become small town doctors? And then Woody Harrelson gave you shit? I don't really remember. Wait a minute, Jordan.

What does it sound like? Whoa! I pantomimed shade tipping for folks at home. And then he showed me his head pussy. And, yeah, so we... This is going to come off braggy. I want you guys to know ahead of time. This is going to sound a little braggy.

Do you want me to get the Airhorn app ready? Ultimately, what this show is about is convincing the people out there in Internet land to go to MaximumFun.org. We've got a real siren outside. Yeah, that is not my app, by the way. We got a real siren outside. Yeah, that is not my app, by the way. This show is about convincing people to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, certainly. Sure.

But, so I don't want to come off. Let me know, I'm ready. Okay. I don't want to come off like a super braggy dude or like a real Mr. Burns type. Just because of what I did when my Jaguar broke down in an affluent suburb. But we ended up taking a $125 Uber ride back to Los Angeles. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, Funkmaster Flex.

I, for the first time ever, last night, was drunk in a Target. It's a real life event for me. I was, we're on hiatus from work, and it was our last day before the hiatus, and everybody decided to go out and have a couple drinks. And when we were kind of drunked up and looking for something else to do, a coworker, his house was around the bar we were at. So we're like, oh, let's walk to this coworker house, hang out.

He said he did not have snacks. We should stop somewhere and get snacks on the way back. Boom, there's a Target on the way. And we went in and just ran around like a couple of giggly assholes and got a 12er of Bud Light Lime, a DiGiorno frozen pizza, and one of those just giant ludicrous drums of cheese balls. We finally just found out who those drums of cheese balls are for. Yeah, sure, people who are drunk in Target.

And it really felt like a scumbag milestone for me. And I'm like, well, what's left? You know, I'm drunk in Target. How many balls deep did you get into that barrel? Oh, man. I mean, I was jamming my fist in there. Pulling out handfuls of balls. Cramming them in my mouth. Can I tell you something

about cheese balls? And this isn't just for you, Jordan. This is for the internet and the good people who are here. Cheese balls are great. Those things taste hella good. You know what I like to do? Suck on one until it dissolves. Isn't that great?

That's what the fuck is up. Yeah. So it's like, what's left? Jizzing on or in a jet ski. Eating pussy at a Dairy Queen. And like, yeah, but, and like, I don't know,

doing E at a Costco. Like, these are the only three things I have left and I win some sort of scumbag trophy, I'm sure. Should we bring on our first MaxFun hosts?

I would love to bring on the first MaxFun hosts. Ladies and gentlemen, from Ono, Ross, and Carrie, Ross and Carrie! Jesse, I have a question about your building. Yeah. Okay, because as I was arriving, I started out in the basement level

and waited for the elevator to come down. Sure. So I was going to Max Fun headquarters. That's one of the classic ways to get from a lower level to a higher level. So the doors open, and it's one of those industrial-sized elevators, and it's almost completely full with this large cart, and it has boxes in it about the size of a microwave. Hold on. Can I ask a question about this cart?

Okay. Was it held together with purple duct tape at all? Yes. Why would you ask that? How did you know? Category, things that make you go, hmm. So as I'm looking at these boxes the sizes of microwaves,

I'm thinking, that's funny. Whatever the logo is kind of looks like an ass. And then I go to help the guy because he's having a really hard time getting it. Help me with these asses. Don't die over here. I got too these asses. I'm dying over here. I got too many asses. I come to grab it

and I get a closer look at the boxes and it is, it's one of those, you know, silicone or polystyrene, I don't know, whatever it is.

It's, I don't know what the material science is but it's a bunch of like just part of a, not the torso but just the ass section of a woman

and it's got, you know. Ross doesn't masturbate a lot, so that makes sense. Wait, is this some sort of... Is this some sort of... Is this some sort of pocket ass? It's a fake vagina. It's one of those fake vaginas.

Yeah, it's got the vagina. It probably had the anus, too. I didn't see. Yeah, sure. Well, that's fun. What's the matter with that, Ross? I helped the guy lift all these and get them out of there, but I thought, what else is going on in this building? Did they have a nice heft? They did.

I had to put some muscle into it. That's a good one. I'm forgetting what the product is. I think it's Coke. There's that classic Coke commercial where the kids at the Super Bowl and Mean Joe Green's there and tosses the kid his jersey or towel or something.

Shouldn't you have been tossed a fake anus for helping? Hey, kid! Do you think those were headed to the pornography studio or they were just a special interest item for a resident? How many anuses would you say there were, Ross? I would estimate about 12. Okay, okay. That's hard to say then.

That's a nebulous number. Is it possible they were some sort of stunt double? Mmm. No, that's not possible. Oh, wait, no, maybe for an extreme close-up. Because they were missing,

like, they were cut off here, kind of like mid-thigh, and then cut off, like, right where the waist starts. Okay. Someone said, oh, that's terrible. Which part of it is terrible? Oh, terrifying.

Yeah, that is actually right. But I mean, I think the positive here is that the, you know, the pornography person who's having their anus railed gets to have a little break. You bring in the stunt anus for the extreme close-up. Yeah. And they get to, you know... Rail that. Yeah, sure.

And I think, you know how they say every cloud has a silver lining? Ross learned how to masturbate. Congratulations, buddy. How do you know that Ross doesn't masturbate very much, Carrie?

I don't actually know that, Jesse. That was a projection based on the data you have? Ross, we've never met. Let's talk jerk schedule. Sure. Nice to meet you. How's your jerk schedule?

Man, I have a full dance card. You have to, uh, you gotta dance with who brung ya, I think is the saying. And yes, in the shower. He said coyly. It's just

that instead of saying it was one of those butts you fuck, Ross went to well, what's it made of? Is it... I've had time to think about it. Yeah, so, you know. Any theories?

That's not a masturbator. I just, when you started describing it, I thought you were going to say it was a box of butt implants. And there was someone running an illegal butt implantery somewhere in our building. You need to survey your building more, I think.

Sure. You don't know what's going on here. That's the Azalea's terrible secret. Like this? That's a false butt. Hey, Jesse. Jesse? Hi.

My name's Jesse. I'm in 9A. Are you running a butt implant? No? Sorry to butt in. No! Sorry to butt in, he said. Ah, shit.

Hold on. Hold on. Can you guys recreate that? I was asleep at the wheel. I was asleep at the goddamn wheel. Okay, let's go from the top. You ready? Blah, blah, blah, blah, take two.

Carrie, we're doing something. Hello? Who is that? You said my line. You're the guy who says the thing. Oh, yeah, okay, sorry. Well, I don't want to take your thunder. No, okay, all right, I'm waiting.

I already got two well-deserved air horn breaks. Okay, from the, I'm waiting. I already got two well-deserved air horn breaks. Okay, from the top. Okay. Yes? Excuse me, I'm sorry to butt in, but... World star. Thank you. Can I eat this, or is that...

No, you can't eat this for Brain and Lizzie, Carrie. Can you eat all of it? Carrie is really trying to get up in these clam chips we have. I've seen these before. Oh, never mind. No, wait. Oh, yeah. I bought these in the mall, and they're very expensive.

You're holding green tea Kit Kat? Yeah, Kit Kat bars. Well, we tried the last thing you guys had. It was fine. The cheesy, cute? Yeah, I said the person who's tried several cults in the last year. You're right. You're right.

You guys have a high tolerance. My bar is low, but it was fine. Speaking of joining cults, which is one of the late motifs of your guys' show, what's your most recent podcast-based adventure you've been on? Sorry to be difficult. What is he doing? Going door-to-door talking about his podcast? The Premises Squad.

I go door to door to make bad puns. So, yeah, what's your guys' most recent adventure? So... Apparently you've been to some sort of pun school. Which has worked out great. Money well spent. You know, so far, Ross has really been carrying this show. We have been ripping ourselves. We have been

turning ourselves into ripped, toned people with the Flex Belt, which is a belt that you put around your middle and then you electrocute yourself so that you will be muscly. That sounds terrifying. Yeah, an EMS

device, an Electromuscular Stimulation, something like that. Emergency medical services. That's what you have to call. That's a common conception because it's right. It's not a misconception. But the idea is, yeah, you put this belt on and it zaps you. You've been charging it like with a wall charger, and now you can strap it to yourself.

And there's these sticky pads that grab onto your, or like right over your belly button. That's the biggest pad, and there's one on either side, and then it rhythmically zaps you, and you get to choose just how strongly it's going to shock you. You know what? I've heard about this. I think this is how Dave Holmes got so fit. Is that correct, right?

Yeah, he says yes. And he said it with a sort of serious face, a light growth of stubble, and a sort of raw handsomeness that really makes you trust him. He's thinking to himself, fuck you, Jesse, I've been flipping over a tire. Right? So, and apparently, is this the same thing they have infomercials for? Like, there are infomercials? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Apparently, is this the same thing they have infomercials for? Like there are infomercials? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It seems like part of when you see the infomercial, it's someone secretly electrocuting themselves while at the office or at church. Is this discreet enough to wear day to day? Yeah, it's kind of like being in Opus Dei.

That's what they said. You know, you can wear it under your clothes at work No one will notice And so I kept meaning to try this And every day I would bring it to work You work in a major entertainment company I do Like the most major entertainment company

Pretty much Well this is entertaining And so I brought it And every day I'd forget Oh shoot I didn't wear the flex belt so today we were going to send it back to so carrie could get back her 200 plus dollars hopefully and um and so i did wear it under my my very nice max fun shirt beautiful with the max fun rocket beautiful and uh so it did make me look bulky and so i was wearing it it was zapping me and my co-worker came in to talk to me

for a while and so every now and then i'm getting the while he's talking to me and i guess he doesn't hear it because i come back to his office later and i say hey did you notice anything different about me he said i don't know you're always changing things and i said really you didn't notice like you know this thing around my middle? And he's like, oh, you do look kind of chunky. Well, it's the opposite of what you want to happen. Right? But, you know, it's temporary.

You know, then you take it off, and all the more you look so thin now. Ross, I mean, this could be a good opportunity to launch your new early 90s rap character, Chunky R. It's not too late, right? Now, were either of you ever tempted to use it erotically? I wondered what would happen if I wrapped it around other parts of my body, like my neck, or...

You didn't wrap it around any other parts of your body? Not even your nurples? Now I feel like I did not conduct a thorough investigation. Carrie, did you? I was turned on by its regular use. You just liked its abdomen stimulation.

Carrie used it first. I would have hoped you would have told me if you'd put it somewhere else. Yeah, that's true. I passed it off to Ross after my usage. No, it was clean. It was clean. It comes with these gel pads, though, that are disgusting. You peel the back of them off and then put a tiny bit of water on them and put them on yourself.

And every time you peel it off, it's like, I don't know, like like peeling a sticker off but the sticker gets weaker and weaker and grosser and grosser and you're doing that like once a day for a month and you just sympathize i am covered in stickers and very regularly i am very regularly covered in people recognize like when you pull a sticker off and you don't know if the residue is psychosomatic or if it's still sticky. You want to take a shower. It's gross. Did you get ripped or what? No.

No, and in fact, it says on the package and in all the materials and all the reviews online, like, oh, you still need to exercise. This in conjunction with thousands of sit-ups. So it's like, what if you do all the sit-ups and you don't use the ab belt? Oh, you'll still get ripped. Sure. So. Would you be willing to do that thing that people like, I don't know, on Reddit or something do,

where they attach electrodes to their brain to make themselves smarter? Yes. Yes. And only people on Reddit do that. But yes, yes. What's that called? There was a Radiolab episode on it. Nine Volt Nirvana.

Yeah, what is it? There's an acronym for it. Transcranial Direct Stimulation. Yeah. Oh, nicely done. Thanks, Ernesto. Transcranial Direct Stimulation, TCDS. It's like the power of a nine volt battery, essentially.

And you're just, like, zapping, like, areas around your temples to either impede brain activity that's getting in your way or enhance the brain activity you want. I'm not sure, but I so want to do it, and it's on our list. It's on my wish list. We have a

long list of things that we can invest in. Yeah, what else is on there? So, getting your brains electrocuted. Oh, yeah. Neutropics. Ross is literally pulling out the list. I could bring it up on Google Drive. It's like an eight-year supply of things to investigate.

What else do we have, Carrie? Well, the number one thing we're asked for all the time is Scientology. We'll see if it... Yes, that's why we haven't done it. Yeah, we'll see if that ever happens. Can I suggest a title for the episode? Ross and Carrie Die? No.

Feet and Nate Cheatin'? Oh. I like it. Someone write that down. There we go. I have said that on the show before. I just like that it rhymes. Okay, so Scientology, obviously, that's what everybody wants.

What else is on this list? What does no one want? What are you personally excited about? Ross, what do you want to do? Well, I definitely want to do the transcranial direct stimulation. What else do I have? Oh, Braco, the staring guy. There's this, yeah, the gazer.

Okay, someone sort of. You mean Bracco-bama? Our current president? Literally. Yeah, I've heard of him. We have a room full of people here at MaximumFun.org. You said Braccoaco the staring guy. The gazer, yeah.

One person in the far back row went, and then one dude just goes, yeah, the gazer. Just hear from somewhere over here, yeah, gazer. The gazer was my nickname in high school. The Gaiser was my nickname in high school. I think this guy has the smartest routine of almost anything we've heard of because he comes in front of the audience and doesn't say a thing. He just gazes at you with his very deep, soulful eyes, and you pay him money for it. And he's not making any extraordinary claims.

He's just gazing at you, and you're paying for it because you want it. extraordinary claims. He's just gazing at you and you're paying for it because you want it. But all these people leave saying they're cured of all these illnesses and injuries. The whole thing you're describing so far did happen to me one time.

It was when I interviewed Elijah Wood. Oh, yeah. I bet. You just get lost. It was amazing. Also, you should go see that show where Val Kilmer plays Mark Twain. Same thing. Same thing. Oh, man.

You know what? I kind of feel like if you got a handjob in the back row, that could be on your sleazeball. Oh, yeah. Get jerked off at Val Kilmer's one-man show. You've heard about his good looks. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. You've heard about his good looks. You've heard about his hit show on the Ovation Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the host of International Waters, David Holmes. David Holmes! Hi, friend. How are you? I brought things. What did you bring to us? Well, I brought champagne because I figured this is an occasion for champagne. Sure. Yeah, we champagne. Right?

I figure at some significant donor number. Like 6,000. 6,000. We should pop it open. Or now. So we can drink it. At 6,000. Right. I don't have cups. I do have champagne.

Oh, Jennifer's got cups. Okay, great. We on that. Great. We on that? Yeah. Great. Dave, I'm prepared to just take slugs out of the bottle. Yeah, that's fine. We can pass it around. Great. Dave, I'm prepared to just take slugs out of the bottle. Yeah, that's fine. We can pass it around. Why the hell not? Yay.

A small amount of cups. Is that all you brought? No, it sure isn't. I brought door prizes. Door prizes? I brought door prizes that we could maybe, and here's the deal. I brought prizes. I did not bring ideas.

So we can give them to people in the audience for reasons that we haven't decided yet. All right. So when I was on the way here, I stopped at a very sad liquor store off of Rampart. Not one of those cool, fun liquor stores. No, not a fun. Yeah, we are definitely in the sad liquor store district. There was a woman, a very sad woman, a beautiful but sad woman, in kind of a slinky dress, some complicated,

some aggressive heels, and she was behind a promotional table, right? And she was talking about a spirit, like a white spirit, not a ghost. I'm here to talk about ghosts!

Oh, why did she specify the race of the spirit? Well, I'm here to talk about Wait Oh why Why did she specify The race of the spirit Well You know what neighborhood Is it a segregated Spirit world Yeah

Well it's okay I guess it's a It's a Peruvian spirit I wasn't gonna reveal But I might as well reveal Called Peace Pisco

Pisco And she literally Like a Jehovah's Witness She was like may I talk to you about Pisco? And I was like, no. Have you heard the good news? Yeah. So then I wandered the liquor store looking for a reasonably priced bottle of champagne. And I noticed that nobody was saying yes to her.

And she had dressed up for the occasion. She was clearly like, you know, Pisco corporate had sent her to this awful liquor store. And I was there for a while. Guys, everybody get on your phones. your phones. Get Pisco. Tell them you love them. Right. So I decided to buy this exciting Pisco gift pack.

For the low, low price of something. Like a reasonable price. But it comes with a bottle of Pisco. Which I don't know what that tastes like. And two delicious glasses. That's what that means. Yeah.

And I figured that would be just a fun thing to give away. Yeah. Is there maybe, it seems like maybe a bit of Max Fun trivia is in order. Oh, maybe. That's a fun. You know, okay. I did write, just in case, I did write something down. Okay.

We could do one of those things where it's like, if you've been listening carefully, then you can name a thing, because I wrote something down, it's in my pocket. There's a mint green guy here would be ineligible, because it's something that he said earlier. So we could do it that way. Okay. Like one of these things of like, person who's been listening closely and having fun. Person who's been listening closely, having fun, and paying attention, and is a MaxFun donor. Now, luckily, we're in a room full of MaxFun donors, right?

Well, we think so, right? So, okay. That's not a problem. Okay. So, all right. I wrote it down, just for this very reason. Okay. I'm a lot of fun to have around, right?

You really are. Okay. A lot of people think that all Dave does is exercise because he's super ripped. That's true. And ripped. That's true. And cut. That's true. Every single day somebody says, that's all you do, right? And I say, no.

He also hosts a show on Ovation. That's true. Dave's the kind of guy that when you're at a cocktail party with him and you don't really know anybody, he'll go up to you and say, hey, what are you afraid of? What scares you? And then the conversation gets going. I was just this week in Miami because I did do this show for Ovation, and the network is trying to get on HD on Comcast in Miami,

so we threw a big event where we screened the show. We were in a big theater, and we invited a bunch of Comcast subscribers, and we showed the show on a big screen, and it was like big wigs from Comcast and then VIP subscribers, which is everyone and so we had this thing and as soon as it started it was like

this is not a show that you need to watch on a giant screen and also they had like not enough people at RSVP to fill the theater so it was like 40 people

in like a 800 seat theater and but you guys did have a private performance from Pitbull right? no no we did not that was the missing link that was the missing private performance from Pitbull, right? No, no, we did not.

That was the missing link. That was the missing element. Gotta get Pitbull. Yeah, so it was really bad. It was really bad. Anyway. Okay, so how does this quiz work? This quiz works this way. Because you're a quiz master as the host of International Waters. That's true. I'm first and foremost a quiz master. A real quiz game. Yep.

Okay, so if you were listening earlier, there is something that is, if you put electrodes on your head, it's called what? Show of hands. Oh, okay. Mario or Luigi back there. What's it called? It's a him. It's a him. It's a him,

Mario. Okay. That's correct! Transcranial direct stimulation. Please enjoy. Get on up here. Congratulations. Please enjoy

the, what's, what's really known as the national spirit of Peru. It's, it's Pisco. And I understand that Pisco Portone is the finest handcraft's Pisco. And I understand that

Pisco Portone is the finest handcrafted Pisco. You have a couple of glasses. Are you tired of machine made Piscos? So there it is. I mean, don't let me sway you as to what to do with that.

I am real curious to try it. Yeah. I mean, it's only fair that you open it here. If you want to break out the pisto and pass it around, I think that'd be fun. Yeah. Or you can selfishly hoard it. Where else did you go? Because this is a travel show, right?

It's a travel show, yeah. We went to San Francisco, Austin, and Miami. We also did a screening in San Francisco, and it also was equally as poorly attended. But Pitbull wasn't that one, though, right? Pardon me? Pitbull wasn't that one, though, right? Pitbull was obviously there. San Francisco's favorite son.

Yeah. The cool thing about San Francisco is if you leave out something about San Francisco, they'll be sure and tell you. So everywhere we didn't go, and every age and or ethnic group and or religious group that wasn't in the show or on our panel, they absolutely stood up and were like, where were our faces? Why weren't we represented? Dave, I just need to get confirmation on this. Yeah. Jordan, is that true that people from San Francisco are really keen on exactly perfect representations of San Francisco? Yeah. And maybe are a little too invested in San Francisco-iness?

Honestly, I don't even fucking know anymore. It's just a static noise. Yeah. it's like when you turn a tv between channels and occasionally the word burrito comes up and and then someone's mad yes they did not uh they did not care for us and i um the the panel was like which first of all why is there a fucking panel it's it's like it's a travel show there you're not gonna have any questions at the end of it there's no reason for it but it was just for like a photo thing that they could show Comcast or whatever so the panel was like some of the people who had been in the show the executive producer of the show and me

executive producer of the show is this woman and who was great but he was like I hate being on camera I get incredible stage fright I don't want to do this. I'm just doing it because the network is making me. This is a nightmare for me. And I was like, Ann, don't worry. I got you. It's going to be fine. What's going to happen?

So we screen the thing, which goes over terribly. And then we start the Q&A. And the first person stands up and is like, why wasn't somebody who is my color in this show? And it was super diverse. It was just, we left out a few colors, and all the people in the audience were those colors. No, I'm a white guy.

I'm just very sunburnt. Why wasn't a very sunburnt person represented? Yeah. I don't know. Do you identify as that? No. Yeah. So that started happening immediately.

And literally, I had the microphone, and I was like, thank you for the question. And? And immediately, I just could not have picked her up and chucked her under the bus harder. It was terrible. Let the record show that our friend Mario from earlier is currently

is currently opening the liquor with a knife he had with him. Oh, good. It's a sizable knife, too. It is not a small knife. There's no security screening at MaxFunHead. By the way, that's not the only door prize. Oh, wow.

That's right. There's one more. Only Jesse Thorne and I know what else is in this bag. Okay, here's what I want to do. I want to have, so you went to Miami. That's true. Austin. Yes. And San true. Austin. Yes.

And San Francisco. Correct. I want someone in this audience to be able to guess one activity that you did in each of those places. Oh, for the next door prize? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Ernesto is our first contestant.

Okay. Ernesto, what do you think that Dave did? Ernesto was ineligible in round one, so it's only fair that he goes first. I should be ineligible for this, too, but you interviewed my friend. Oh, is that true? Did you interview Ernesto's friend? Maybe! Who is your friend?

Lori Frick. Oh, yeah. She was great. She was great. Feels like you shouldn't get a prize. I mean, I want you to have a prize. What are the other two? Why don't you take a swing at the other two? Yeah, sure. Francisco? Yeah. You tried at least two different kinds of burritos? Tried burritos. Did you try burritos? No, I didn't. Did I try burritos?

Apparently, my type of San Franciscan wasn't represented on your show. No, I didn't try burritos. I did not try burritos. Did you go to the Coit Tower? No. Did you? Well, I did, but not for the show. But that counts!

He went on board. And I don't think I did it while I was there. Did you go to the... Yes! Yeah. The intro for the show. Okay, so here's the thing, Dave. What?

We got two out of three, and I've just changed the rules of this contest. Yeah, and it's by two different people that can't share this thing. All we have to do, the first person here who knows something that Dave did in Miami, you're going to have to raise your hand

so I can call on you. Okay, sir. You, sir, with the black shirt. I saw Pitbull. Did you see Pitbull in Miami? I didn't see Pitbull. Saw a lot of pictures of Pitbull. Did you see Pitbull in Miami? I didn't see Pitbull. Saw a lot of pictures of Pitbull. Didn't see Pitbull.

He's hanging up in dry cleaners. You, sir, with the speaking in tongues. Yeah, you spoke in tongues. Say it in English, though, because I don't understand. I promise. Okay. Did you engage in some sort of salsa dancing?

Did you do any salsa dancing? Salsa! It's close. I can't accept it. I can't accept it. It's close, though. Rumba. Kumbia.

Sir, with the boots. Any rollerblading? No. No. Ma'am? Did you go to the beach in Miami? That's vague. That's vague.

Did you go to Miami Beach? No. No. You don't be greedy. You, back there. Wait, no! Okay, I'll tell you who's holding up their hands be greedy. You, back there. Wait, no, okay. I'll tell you who's holding up their hands right now. Travis McElroy,

Carrie Poppy from Oh No, Rozzy and Carrie, and John Hodgman. Not cool. Not cool. You guys work here. They wax fund employees are ineligible. John Hodgman, what do you think Dave did in my... Wait, we're going to huddle together.

And then they'll share the prize. This is a very cute huddle. For the folks watching at home, there's a very cute huddle. Okay, okay. Did you eat? Did I? Yeah, I did.

I did. Dead. Good job, guys. Looks like our max fun... I did. Dead. Good job, guys. Looks like our max funds. Woo! I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait. Dave, do you want to give John Hodgman his prize?

Well, sure. Yeah. Dave, John, come on up here. We got a prize for you. Come on up, John. Ladies and gentlemen, prize winner from television and the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Give it to him. He deserves it.

Yeah, he deserves it. You already got a tattoo. Okay. This came right back there from the cupboard of surprises that, like, Max Fund employees can grab if they want. I'm told. I've done it. There was a concert DVD from America's most beloved comedian.

You may think that he's finished, but guess what? Bill Cosby is far from finished. Congratulations! This is a two DVD set. This is a two DVD set. This is Bill Cosby live in concert. Let me talk you through the track listing.

No, thank you. It touched him. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dave Holmes! Thank you. gentlemen, Mr. Dave Holmes! Thank you. Our next guest on the program is one of the hosts of My Brother, My Brother and Me.

He was on camera only moments ago and will now return sheepishly to the spotlight. Travis McElroy! And shit, why don't we just have John Hodgman come up here too John Hodgman ladies and gentlemen we got four microphones we didn't know if John was going to have time to make it

he's here Travis McElroy how could I miss him I thought it would be fun if I just walked everyone up that would be my if I just walked everyone up. That would be my job. I'd be the guest-est court. I am really excited to talk to you right now, Travis. And I'll tell you why.

You had a big day today. I did. I had a momentous occasion. Someone's heard the show. Oh, is that on the show? And told Travis about it Tell us about your momentous occasion, Travis I went and got a My Brother, My Brother and Me themed tattoo

Because I put out the stretch goal that if we hit 2,500 Because I thought that would be a thing It was never gonna happen Blew past it If we hit 2,500 because I thought that would be a thing. It was never going to happen. Blew past it. If we hit $2,500, I would do that. And that it was more or less picked by listeners and fans of the show, drawn by

a listener of the show named Diana at Jinxville on Twitter. Did a beautiful job. Wait a minute. Diana? Was it Wonder Woman? It was. So it's doubly special. Right. And she designed it, and I went and had it done

this very afternoon. It was finished about 2.30. Then I went to my improv class. Did that for three hours. Three wonderful hours. Three hours. Yeah, three hours of improv. I just, improv was bad enough. Three hours. Yeah, three hours of improv. I just, improv was bad enough.

Three hours. I improv so hard. You gotta bring a lot of material to a three hour improv class. It's actually tantric improv, right? It was just the initiation told over three hours. Sure, yeah. Hey, I need to talk to you. But stretch. And then a lot of

kegels. So were you in pain throughout this three hour improv? Discomfort. I wouldn't say pain. It hurt to laugh. Which didn't happen often. What tattoo did you get? Now, you said a

My Brother, My Brother and Me tattoo chosen by listeners. So what was it? Well, we reference on the show a lot horses. It's true. Wait, hold on. That's just Griffin and Justin's penises. Yeah. That's what a lot of people don't know.

That's what they mean by horses. That's right. So I got a rearing horse. A rearing horse A rearing horse Now that If I'm not mistaken That means you died in battle That is correct

That is correct This is how I chose to reveal it With the banner Middleist Is it all covered in saran wrap and shit It is I can show you I'm more or less wearing a saran wrap girdle. He was like, I'll do this so it doesn't come off.

Just be glad it's not electrified. Yeah, I know. It's wonderful. All right, here we go. Oh! Is everybody? It's giant boy that is like that's some serious

commitment for a fucking dare tattoo that's huge and prominent it's not my first it is my first dare tattoo what other

what other inks do you have I actually I have a dare tattoo but it's drug abuse resistance

I actually have one of a dare tattoo, but it's drug abuse resistance. I actually have one of Mark Summers' hosted doubles. Because every day I take the physical challenge. Life. The worst part about getting the tattoo

is to stretch out my rib skin enough. I had to hold my arm over my head for two and a half hours. So my arm fell asleep like 18 times. And we had to keep taking breaks so I could shake my arm out.

And on one of those breaks, this is my momentous occasion. I wrote it down. Mid-tattoo, I took a break, and at the cafe next door was Sam Rockwell and Joaquin Phoenix hanging out. And I want to be clear, I had my shirt off, like half off. So it was over one shoulder, and my gut was hanging out.

And Sam Rockwell looked at me, and I turned to my friend and said, So Sam Rockwell saw my gut today. I imagine Sam Rockwell and Joaquin Phoenix just sitting there going, so which one of us is weirder? Which of us is weirder, do you think? We're going to have to settle this now. Mumbling contest. Put these delicious taffies in your mouth and do a movie.

You take mumbling, I'll take twitching. And act. Both incredible actors, by the way. Very talented fellas. So did you go up to them shirtless with blood coming out of your armpits? I thought about it so hard, but I didn't want to get judged by Joaquin Phoenix.

I was so worried that he'd give me that look that just said, really? And I would have to leave town. Oh, yeah, when you're on Joaquin's shit list. Oh, yeah. So how do you feel about it moving forward? Are you... You love it?

You're excited? Oh, here's a better question. How does the little lady feel about it? She's right there. Is that cool? I like it. There we go. She likes it.

Here's the thing. I mean, it's just funny. If we just heard from the back, her, no! Gross! Jordan, can we get real for a second? I would love to get real. Can we get super real?

Yeah. The tattoos that I have, I only get tattoos. Can we also get raw and uncensored? We so can. Good, because that's the only way. When you say super real, how would you compare the amount of real that we're about to get to real deal Holyfield? Would you say less real, the same

amount of real, or realer than real deal Holyfield? Seven-eighths is real. So not that real. Not as real. If you just looked closely, quickly, you wouldn't see a difference. I only get tattoos

that mean something to me and because of support from donors because of max fun listeners my wife and i were able to make a move like out to los angeles that we would not have done if max fun didn't exist uh our show is about to hit its fifth year anniversary um and it's been a really great excuse for my brothers and i to stay in contact with each other and to know that people out there are listening and support it and really like it. So I didn't really get it for them. I claim to. But really I got it for me because it meant a lot to me to see that many people pouring out

and saying, hey, I care about the thing that you do. So I love it. about the thing that you do. So I love it. Oh, oh, unfortunately, I just got a Google alert from Deadline Hollywood. You're on Joaquin's shit list.

Oh, no! I knew it. I gotta go. You have to move out of town. You have to move out of town. I have a minute. There's a short ceremony first, but then you and your wife have to move out of town. You have to move out of town. I have a minute. There's a short ceremony first, but then you and your wife have to leave town.

But I hear the hors d'oeuvres at the ceremony are lovely. He strips you of your 323 area code. May I ask a question? Yes. What other tattoos... Well, I have two questions. What other tattoos do you have? You can answer in any order. And are you going to color in that

horse or just keep it black and white? Outline. Two great questions. One, I've got a pineapple. I'm really good at questions. Nailing it. On my right wrist, I have a pineapple. Oh, international symbol of welcome. That is correct.

Welcome to my wrist. It's my handshake, hands out. You know, John, it's not just the international symbol of welcome. It's also the spikiest fruit commonly available in American supermarkets. That's true. Don't look for spikier. There's none more spiky. I also have my family crest on my right shoulder.

Wait, sorry, what does the pineapple mean? You were so sincere about your horse tattoo. The pineapple is for getting raw and uncut. Oh, no. Our mom passed away when we were 21, and it's to honor her, because she loved the idea of the welcome, and it was in all of our house, and

so I got it for that. Did you and all the brothers get it? No, just me. He actually, a lot of people don't know this, he's the only one who loved her. Yeah. Listen, I wasn't going to say it. I got that and then I've got the Loch Ness

Monster on my left ribs. Wait. Thank you. And that's to honor Princess Di. Yeah! Yeah! Ribs? Wait. Thank you. And that's to honor Princess Di. Yeah. What? Yes, sir. That's, for those who can't see it, it's a reproduction of the famous surgeon's photo. Correct.

Of the Loch Ness Monster, which was revealed to be a hoax. Yes. It's not a real picture of the Loch Ness Monster. That would be a much bigger reveal. I thought we had finally cracked it. No, I got that when I was nine. I begged my parents for a year and a half to get a dog and I got a Scottish Terrier named Nessie.

And when she passed away at 17... I thought you were going to say you begged your parents when you were nine to get a Loch Ness Monster. Sorry, son. It's Bigfoot or nothing. No son of mine. I have no son. He believes in a plesiosaurus that's still alive. Sorry, elasmosaurus.

I got the Triforce. All three McElroy brothers and our dad have that. And the brothers each have one of the Triforce filled in, and our dad has all three, which I think means our dad is as strong as the three of us put together, which is not true. I hear that the only way to kill your dad is with the silver arrow. Absolutely true.

And the Master Sword. You've got to dad is with the silver arrow. Absolutely true. You've got to stun him with the silver arrow, kill him with the master sword. Has to be blessed by a monk. Well, I like all your tattoos. Yeah, they're very nice. Thank you. The Loch Ness Monster, the surgeon's photo is pretty sweet. Thank you.

That's probably now my second favorite. John, what kind of tattoos do you have? I have one tattoo. It is a very rudimentary diamond right here on my shoulder. I mean, I'll show you. I don't care. Yeah. Whip it out.

It's not a lot to look at. Hodgman's about to show us his prison tat, Lance. Just John and Travis showing some ink. I got one. It looks like a prison tattoo, and it was just something that I was doodling freshman year of college. Where it is? See?

Yeah. You have to understand that this was before there were tattoos. I'm 43 years old. I got this, I guess I got this in like 1990 in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. And I was doodling this diamond. You just had to ask a dermatologist to give you a mole. Yeah, exactly. In a specific shape.

Yeah, and you couldn't get tattoos. And I was home from college in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. You couldn't get tattoos there. So I had to drive up to Portsmouth and see a kind of scuzzy guy. And I said, I've been doodling this diamond because it's based on a Jorge Luis Borges short story. And the guy said, I'm in. $100.

A fan of the artist. Yeah, exactly. No, he was like, yeah, garden of working paths, let's do it. I'm like, no, it's actually Death and the Compass. But okay, I'm sorry, sir. Just do what you need to do. You gave me a bad look. I got a tattoo, too.

Again, a really simple, rudimentary one. I covered up with makeup. It's a single tear under my right eye. You did what you had to do to stay alive. I got caught up. To answer your question about whether I get it filled in, no. Tattoos hurt like shit. Just getting the outline was bad.

I think it looks very elegant unfilled in. I think you're making the right choice. It may be the only correct choice you've made, but I like it. Side note, we got some of this... what do you call this? Pisco? I'm having a glass of this Pisco.

It is nice. It is nice. It's very good. It's like a. At Big Old Freak on Twitter, first recommended it and then started posting pictures of himself drinking it because he thinks it's really nice. Me and Big Ol' Freak actually have a lot in common. Y'all, this smells like nail polish remover. Oh, yeah, and it's even tastier. That's called liquor.

Yeah, you may, please. Oh, no, it's delicious. Yeah, it's like if rum was just a little fruity. No, it's delicious. Yeah, it's like if rum was just a little fruity. John, you're a famous Malort advocate, which is something I drank for. I wouldn't say advocate as much as endure-er. You're a guy with opinions on Malort. Sure.

That was something we did for a challenge here last year. I drank a shot of Malort for every hundred donors or something like that. Oh, wow. That's a lot of Malort. It was. It was too much. He ended up at a Target. Yeah, I ended up at a Target. You go in just for paper towels and you spend 50 bucks. Am I right?

Am I right? What do you think of this unique spirit? Well, Pisco? Yeah. Well, this is a traditional spirit of Brazil, is it not? Peru. Peru. Come on, John. Cachaça is Brazil?

Yes. Would that be right? But is it the same? Is it a cane? I believe Pisco is from grapes. From grapes. So that would make it a brandy. He's just been reading the back of the bottle.

Grapes and grape stems. Like a grappa. Like a grappa. Like a grappa. All right. This is a legit traditional thing that has not been flavored with disgusting roots in order to make it as bitter as possible, which Malort is. And Malort is also a traditional drink. I have nothing against Malort. Until I drink it it I love it all

It's all alcohol, right? So who cares? Yeah, Pisco is delicious I think I'm going to become like Pisco guy Like hey, there goes Jordan Like a right-hander talking about Pisco At Big Old Freak tweeted some clarifications Jordan

Please Peru and Chile At Big Old Freak tweeted some clarifications, Jordan. Please. Peru and Chile, though poor tone is a Peruvian variety. So, that's settled. Well, we're still in agreement about ample behinds. Thanks, Big Old Freak. Wait a minute, Jordan. Did you say that the green Kit Kats were not yummy? I do not like the green Kit Kat. No, it's got a weird

aftertaste and it's slimy. Maybe you just don't like things. That actually might be it. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm thinking about other things like a sheet or a billboard. Yeah, I don't like any of those either.

Yeah, right? I guess it doesn't matter. What about a crumpled up piece of paper? No. No. I wouldn't eat that either. What about an old nickel that's still shiny for some reason? Yeah, no, I'm not into it.

Weird aftertaste. What if... Did you say sheet already? I said sheet and I do not like the sheet. What about blanket? Nope. What about colander? I said sheet, and I do not like the sheet. What about blanket? Nope. What about colander? I like blankets and colanders. Oh, all right.

Cool. I guess. That's an interesting Halloween costume. Yeah. The kitchen ghost. And the ghost that helps you make pasta. What's our donor count? Twitter is bothering me about it.

Twitter. Do you guys want to guess? Jesse, our donor count? Twitter's bothering me about it. Twitter. Do you guys want to guess? Jesse, our donor count is... Let's do a guess. Let's do an over-under. The farthest off has to do a shot of Pisco mixed with champagne. Jesse is a non-drinker. If you

get it wrong, you have to bite the head off this My Little Pony. With no eyes. Let's all guess. Somebody's like, it has goggles. He's a steampunk pony. For God's sakes. The last count was what?

The last count was... 56, 35, something like that, right? 56, 42. I think we're at 5,900. I'm going to say 5,900. Okay. I'm going to say 59, 50. I'm going to say 7,000, 4,000,

and 89,000. John, any guesses? And even 300. A bunch of people have backed out. $1. $1. Lindsay, what is it? 5, 6, 6, 8.

5, 6, 6, 8. Okay. Excitement. It's pretty serious, guys. Thank you. Yours doesn't sound like an air... Jesus Christ. Somebody's phone.

This is how it starts. Yours is an air horn. That's a clown orgasm. And then a bunch of other clowns fly out. So wait, you think when a clown jizzes, he jizzes other clowns? That's what I was going for. How many people in here have a phone with them? Everybody's got a pretty much everybody's got a.

My mom won't let me have one. You guys probably have smartphones, right? Not these old dumb phones. Hate those. That's not a phone, that's a cork. Everyone here in the room and everyone listening at home on the live stream

sends one tweet at the same time and that is what pushes us over the edge. What do you think? I love it. I love it. Simultaneous tweets. If you're not on Twitter... It's 2015!

Shall I help you set up an account? It takes but a moment. Just get everyone on Friendster to donate. Go to your GeoCities blog where you post your Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan fiction. Break up all of your dancing hamster gifs. Give me your CompuServe address

and I'll send you instructions. Go to your alt.news group. Okay, so I think we've got to come up with something to say. My initial feeling is to threaten self-harm. But I don't think that's responsible But I don't think that's responsible. I don't think that's responsible.

I'm going to threaten self-parm, which is where I make myself into a chicken parm sandwich. That's just something I want to do sexually. I call it parming. Here's what we need. Here's what we need. Here's what we need. We need something actionable right this second. Right.

If we hit 6,000 while this is going on. Right. What if we hit 6,000? We'll go on a hunt through the building for all the fake buds. We will eat

fucking fake buds. 12 fake buds hidden cleverly throughout the building. We need something that will convince people's friends. Like, for those of you out there, you probably have a friend or two that listens to MaximumFun.org shows.

What do you think it would take to seal the deal for those people? I see a... Nudity. Nudity? Shane is here. He's like, no, no one wants to see me nude. We've had a fair amount of it. Yeah, we've seen enough. That's like, no, no one wants to see me nude. He's had a fair amount of it. Yeah, we've seen enough.

We had some medium nudity. You know what? I'll pull out a ball. I'll pull out a ball. Hashtag pull out a ball. Okay, here's the tweet. I'll pull out a ball. There.

Here's the tweet. And you know what? Some of the second ball will probably be along there with it. They usually travel in pairs. Here's the tweet. They're like swans. Support the podcast you love, and Jordan will pull out a ball. Maximumfun.org slash donate.

Kony. Maximumfund.org slash donate. And I hope all of you at home are doing this too. This has to happen in the next eight minutes? Hashtag pretty much, yeah. Hashtag Max Fund Drive. Hashtag

Kony 2015. Wait. Is it that we want people to donate or not? We just want to put some stuff on the internet And hashtag JordanBall Yeah, sure Hashtag Sweetsack Hashtag Sweetsack

We're just pennies a day For pennies a day, you can see my balls. Okay. So I'm going to say that one more time. Can we get kicked off? We're going to get these trending. Can you stream if I show it? Support the podcasts you love and Jordan will pull out a ball.

Maximumfun.org slash donate. Hashtag MaxFunDrive. Hashtag sweet sack. They ain't doing this shit on NPR. No. We're not on NPR, buddy That's what I'm saying That's why Max Fun is special I'm doing this Diane Rehm style I don't have to follow the ethics handbook

I'm a distributed program She said it was a mistake Okay, everybody ready? Oh yeah, you know she likes it She's nasty On three One, two, yeah, you know she likes it. She's nasty. On three. One, two, three, send.

I sent it. And now we wait. We have one thing left to do in the show. who adopted a parakeet earlier this evening, was kind enough to support a free MaxFunCon ticket for the person with the absolute number one best overall hashtag MaxFunDrive tweet during the course of the MaxFunDrive. This is a very serious responsibility for the two of us. Jesus Christ, there's a lot of them. Somebody Pisco me over here?

Come on. My Pisco's empty. Where's my Pisco? If Jordan's going to hashtag sweet sack, he's going to have to hashtag Pisco sour. Okay. What do we got here? Okay. First one, and we're going to have you guys help us pick these, okay? So listen carefully and do not fuck this up. That means you, ma'am. I'm looking at you, Patrick. Don't fuck this up. Daniel, I know I can believe in you.

Okay. Max Fun. It's not just podcast. It's a community of couches you can crash on throughout the country. Presumably that's a person who traveled the country crashing on MaxFun couches. This one's delightfully sincere. Since becoming a MaxFun donor, I got married,

lost weight, and scored a sweet job. Correlation is causation. That's from Jeff Jarkin? Jeff Jackin. Lef... Okay, I swear to God this is this guy's actual name. Lef Jackin. I mean, his name might win.

This one is from AtSodaAck. I'm going to spin around and vomit all over myself until you donate to Maximum Fun. I like it. I mean, it's pretty good. It's no, I mean, you threatened to take out a ball. Yeah, I'm taking out a ball. So these stunt claims don't really match up to taking out a ball. Donating to MaxFunDrive is like a confetti egg to the face, but in your ears?

Support these folks. Man, fucking great use of a question mark. That's a great punctuation. The devil is in the details. Very funny. That's from J Sneezy at J Withy on Twitter. I like that one a lot.

Okay, this one is from at Rich Tackler. Recently discussed on the program. Her ears are probably burning right now. Travis, game recognized game? Is that what? Okay. Game recognized game. That means something. Yeah. It's weird because I know for a fact that Game Recognized Game in the Bay, Maine, but here we are in Los Angeles.

We got to get JT the Bigger Figure on the line and get a clarification on this one. This doesn't make any sense. Okay. What's harder than donating to MaximumFun.org? Trying to explain to your accountant what a podcast is. Well, the joke's on Rachel, because it's not tax-deductible. MaximumFun.org slash donate. Making life worth living.

A beautiful sunrise, a baby's laugh, and add Jordan Morris getting his tate washed. I think we have a winner, Jordan. We've got a winner. Is this from At In Turnaround? Sweet sex! Sweet sex!

Sweet sex! Sweet sex! Brian, is that who this is from? At In Turnaround? At In Turnaround. Congratulations. At InTurnaround. There you go. Congratulations, At InTurnaround. You just won yourself a free ticket to MaxFunCon.

I just got to know this. We have more than 500 people watching the live feed right now. That's great. That is a lot of people watching something live on the internet. I don't know if you've tuned into anybody's Meerkat lately. You know what? Honestly, don't know what that is. I know it's something. I think this is the biggest audience for a non-Hearthstone event.

We're approaching my 15-minute grace period here. Yeah. And I'm not just going to randomly pull out if we don't make the goal. 56-68 we were at before, and Jordan said if we made it to 56-69, he'd take out a ball. Right. I was there. I was there. We all saw it. 56-69 is what I there. We all saw it.

5669 is what I heard. We all saw it. I think we made it to 5,700. And that's my standard for should Jordan take out a ball. What? No. It has to be the thing. I'm just going to randomly whip out a ball.

Sweet sack. Listen to the enthusiasm. Pulling out a ball is one of those situations where nobody wins. It's not fun for you. It's not titillating for anybody at all. Look at that man's one ball sticking out of his slacks. Right. It all seemed fun at first.

Hold on, Dave. Sweet slacks, sweet slacks. Dave, you've asserted that it's not fun for anyone but I think there's a few people in this room who disagree am I right?

it would have been really funny if you guys wouldn't have made a sound I want to see my friends pause I want to see my friends pause

that nanosecond pause before he said like am I right and you decided to agree like that's I want to live, that's, I want to live in that moment forever. Because you didn't know.

Like, what kind of person do I really want to be? I guess I'm expected to say yay. Dave, what it? There was a momentary pause. Dave? And it was fucking delicious and it was real and I don't ever want to forget it. Lindsay, this is our very last total. I'm not going to...

You know what? Okay. I think... You have to add one because it's going to take a minute. I'm going to run my phone. I'm the king of MaximumFun.org. I own it so much that I bought a $120 Uber ride yesterday. How many bottles of water did you get at the end?

And I have just changed the goal for both Freaky Friday and Jordan's Balls. $5,700. 50 700 5700 Okay Are you ready for this internet? Are you guys ready for this? It's 5699 Lindsay Oh this microphone doesn't work

Okay I changed the goal to $5,700. If you're out there, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, because we are really taking care of business tonight. And by we, I mean Jordan. I mean, I ate a weird

cheese chocolate almond. But Jordan's about to show his cheese chocolate almond. But Jordan's ball will only be out for two seconds tops. No, that's true. I've got it on my body forever. Yeah. Dave is literally upgrading his donation right now, right here. That's pretty good.

It's pretty good. It's pretty good. If we hit 6,000, Jordan will take his ball out forever. I will live my life as a guy with his ball hanging out of his pants. All right. If the total is sufficient, we're going to have to enter into a gentleman's agreement. No pictures. No one screen grab this.

Because I might have to get a job at some point. I'm so excited. Okay. I'm a child. Dave is literally upgrading his donation. Lindsay has a card in her hand. Lindsay, bring it out here. 5706!

5706! Yay! All right. All right. All right. I can't celebrate so hard. My recommendation, Jordan, is that you put one foot on this stool. Here's what I've thought about this.

Here's what I want to do. I'd like to go into the office. Style his ball. Get just a little bit hard. Get your balls hard? Yeah. I don't want to see a limp ball. I'm going to take it out, put my hand over it,

walk out here like a sad clown. Here's what's going to happen. Everyone's going to put on a blindfold, and we're going to turn down the lights, and one by one, you'll be led into the dark room.

You might think it's a bowl of peeled grapes. It's not a single peeled grape. It's one of Jordan's balls. I was donating. What's happening? Explain to me again what's going on. Oh, Dave, you're about to get so turned on. Have I really?

Wait a minute. Hold on. Is my favorite thing about to happen? Is someone going to expose one testicle and just be otherwise closed and not want to do it at all? Because, I mean, you know how we love that, right? Yeah, man, totally. And I think it's cool. Jordan,

stand right here. Okay. Ready? Wait, so is this going to be like the popcorn at the movies trick? Where, like, nobody's going to have to... No, it's out of my system. Okay. Sweet fall, sweet sack, sweet sack, sweet sack, sweet sack. Yay!

Yay! All right. There it was. And just like that, we can't unsee Jordan's testicle. We've got some ladies fanning themselves. Some ladies getting the vapors in the front row. Thank you, everybody. How about a very, very sincere thank you

to all of the folks here tonight? And all of the more than 5,700 people who supported the Max Fund Drive. A new record, more than doubling our previous record. Thank you so, so, so very much. You can still go to MaximumFun.org slash donate in honor. And we're asking for donations to MaximumFun.org in memory of Jordan's

career in the entertainment business. Oh, actually, guys, I'm the new host of Tosh.0. So, you know, a little bump up for me. Thank you so much, everybody. We're so grateful. On behalf of Jordan and Travis and Ross and Carrie and Dave and John and all the MaxFun hosts who aren't with us tonight

and all the staff here at MaximumFun.org, thank you so much for listening and watching and looking at Jordan's ball. Good night. Thank you.