Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 371: Night Flutes with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: April 6, 2015

Chris Fairbanks joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's week off, proper terminology for drones, and the time Chris gave the drummer from Staind a ride home.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, how about this? Thank you to the more than 5,700 people who supported Jordan Jesse Goh and all the shows of Maximum Fun in the MaxFunDrive. Truly amazing stuff. Thank you to everyone.

You heard highlights from our grand finale show last week on the podcast. You can also watch the whole thing now on YouTube. Okay. The Maximum Fun channel. Now, is this including when I pulled out my ball? Now, Jordan. I didn't watch the. I mean, you said they were highlights

jordan you and i are friends right sure do friends let friends put their balls on the internet for everyone to see forever yes thanks man i appreciate it thank you thank you and thank you for the the digital enhancement i went through just so people know my balls aren't that big that's a little Hollywood magic. Right. And they're not that purple either. Sure. Yeah.

Again, Hollywood magic. I wanted to give your balls a swollen, distended look. Thank you. Just like I like. Yeah, sure. Thank you. I mean... Well, not just how you like.

How ladies like. Sure. Yeah. Ladies like a tender... Hey, let's not forget the fellas. Yeah, absolutely. Why are we leaving the fellas out of this one? They like it.

I ain't leaving nobody out. And you know what? Can I say this, Jordan? Yeah. Gender's not a binary. It's a spectrum. That's right. No matter where you are on the spectrum.

So take a look at Jordan's purple, swollen testicle. Discolored, oozing. I did add a little bit of ooze. I did not specifically ask for that. I green screened in some Nickelodeon gack. It's just like my balls were at the Kids' Choice Awards. Jordan, I familiarized myself with video editing, including video file conversion. This whole thing was a nightmare.

Yeah. But in the end, I managed to convert it to an editable format and cover up your ball with a picture of the two of us from this year's portrait studio in Capitola, California, circa 2002. Oh, terrific. Yeah. So everything is under control. No one will see your ball but the people who saw it live on the live stream. And let's not forget my lovely wife. And your beautiful wife, Marjorie.

Yeah. I love you, Marjorie. I'll be home soon to show you my balls. While we're taking care of business, I want to take care of two pieces of business. Number one, the big show. Going poo-poo in the potty. We have a big show coming up, Jordan. We do.

We have a live show in Santa Cruz, California, April 24th at the Kumbwa Jazz Center. That's K-U-U-M-B-W-A. For those of you who either want to Google it or are sexually aroused by hippiness. So I'll be playing the vibes, you'll be playing the turbo flute. Exactly. There will be no humorous

banter. Hey Jordan, can I tell you what? Ever since I got married, I've been playing a lot more turbo flute. Oh boy. We have special guests on that program as well. Are we going to say about them or is it a surprise? I'm going to say. Oh, boy. We have special guests on that program as well. Are we going to say about them, or is it a surprise? I'm going to say. Say about them.

Yeah. John Vanderslice. Oh. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. From the world of thoughtful rock music? Exactly. Legendarily nice indie rock celebrity John Vanderslice will be joining us. Here's how it works with John Vanderslice.

You're doing something around the Bay Area. You think, who's a celebrity in the Bay Area? Of course, you're going to think John Vanderslice. You're doing something around the Bay Area. You think, who's a celebrity in the Bay Area? Of course, you're going to think John Vanderslice. Send him an email. Do you want to come to this thing? And he sends you an email back, capital letters, absolutely, because he's the nicest guy in show business. A glimpse behind the curtain.

Yeah, that's how it works. Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather, will be joining us in Santa Cruz. Man, how'd we book him? Well, he's a friend of ours. He's a friend of ours from college, Jordan. And he's got a car, and maybe we'll slide him some gas money. Nice.

Buy him a drink when he's there. He's excited to see us. And I think the audience will be excited to see us play Would You Rather with the master of Would You Rather, Jim Royale. I mean, yeah, you haven't really seen Would You Rather until you've seen it live. It's like a Dave Matthews band concert in that way. Jordan.

Like you kind of get it, but you don't like get it. You don't see how we fucking jam on those Would You Rathers. Do you feel like you're ready for a piece de resistance? Yes. UC Santa Cruz's only all-female a cappella group, the High Tones, will be joining us. Hot damn. Yep. The High T, will be joining us. Hot damn. Yep. The High Tones will be joining us.

We do not know what notes from their repertoire they will be performing, but presumably it's Taylor Swift songs. Please, please, please let it be H-I-G-H Tones. Is it? Yes. Go good. Of course it is. Ugh, awesome.

It's easy Santa Cruz. Man. Yeah, so that's going to be awesome. I am also going to be in Brooklyn in May. Tickets now on sale for the Bullseye Stand-Up Comedy Show featuring Jordan Jesse Go All-Stars. That is Aisha Tyler, Maria Bamford, Aparna Nancharla, and Ali Wong. Hot damn. That is a rock solid comedy lineup.

It's part of BAM's Radio Love Fest. It's going to be, you know, Terry Gross is going to be there. Peter Sagal is going to be there. They didn't bring Maria Bamford. Yeah. They didn't bring shit. Sure. Maybe Sagal brought Paula Poundstone.

That's pretty good. Paula Poundstone is pretty good. Yeah. Paula Poundstone is funny. Anyway, that's just business. Yeah. Get your tickets now for those. And I want to emphasize with regard to the Santa Cruz show, number one, tickets going fast.

Benefit for KZSC Radio, our alum, what do you call that? College radio station? There you go. Our college radio station. And also, Santa Cruz territory expands over the mountains and into Silicon Valley. If you live in Woodside or whatever and you're not buying tickets to the Santa Cruz Jordan Jesse Go Show, you're on the shit list forever. Yeah.

Just an indefinite slash permanent shit list. Just because you have to drive on the world's most terrifying freeway to get there. It's not a long ride. Nah. 40 minutes. 40 minutes of terror. Spend the night in Santa Cruz. Go to the beach the next day. There you go. Or

get wasted and come back. See how you do. Kill yourself, everyone. Roll the dice. Roll the dice. Stay in Capitola by the sea. Live life a quarter mile at a time. We're going to be staying. If I learned anything from the Fast and Furious franchise. And I've learned a lot from the Fast and Furious franchise. Let's introduce

our guest on this week's program. He's a beloved regular on Jordan Jessigo. He's a brilliant stand-up comedian. He's the star of the new reimagining of the Tom Cruise film Cocktail. Please welcome Mr. Chris Fairbanks.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. What's the name of your reimagining of Cocktails? Cocktails and Dreams. Cocktails and Dreams. It's great. Have you watched this yet, Dre? I have watched it. Chris, can you explain this thing, this weird thing to the audience who hasn't seen it?

Well, we first did it with an episode of Dragnet last year. I am basically superimposed, force-gumped, if you will, into existing footage from the movie. So this is a gump job? It is a bit of a gump job. Okay. Yeah. Standard gump job. Oh, yeah.

And if you've been to the Santa Monica Pier, you know what that is. Would you say you got gumped? Who hasn't? Would you say that you got gumped? Don't get me started on my favorite and varieties of shrimp. List them. List them now. That's a long boring list.

Maybe we should do that movie next. Anyway, put me into these. Put you into Forrest Gump now. Fun. Oh, so it's Forrest Gump. Yes. Green screened in with Kennedy and you green screened in with Gump. But what Mike Upchurch, the guy that, that, it's actually a pretty good idea.

Yeah. It's like holding a mirror up to. Our producer Brian is outside the booth. He's literally about to die of asphyxiation because he enjoyed the idea of Chris Fairbanks inserted digitally into Forrest Gump so much. He may be hurt. I might use that idea if you don't mind, Jordan.

That's fine. Can I have you sign something? Sure, I will sign. I will take a fraction of your web video riches. You know, the riches that come with making web video. You mean those things that keep rolling in? Yeah. All week?

I want some of those. It's been up about a week. Anyway, we take footage. We re-edited, changed the story to be a little more too many cooks-y. And then, yeah, and put it on the internet. A little more Fairbanksian. Yeah. It's been, yes.

A lot of people see that movie as a Tom Cruise movie, but you really brought out the Fairbanksishness in it. Yeah. A lot of people for years knew that's what it was missing, but they didn't know who I was yet. Right. They were just saying that. And granted, they still don't know who you are technically. A lot of people still don't know who I am, and I'm glad you brought that up. Right. They were just saying that. And granted, they still don't know who you are technically. A lot of people still don't know who I am and I'm glad you brought that up. Sure.

I mean, we got fans of Jordan Jesse Go, fans of stand-up comedy Club Dates. Yes, yes. We got fans of that reality show parody show that you were on on Comedy Central. Yes, yes. Fans of Fuel TV. Right. You're in all of Canada. In all of Canada.

That's something you guys wouldn't know because you don't go up north to the white north. He's a major celebrity. All of Canada. Oh, man. They have me on there? It's because you're so – they love you because you're so polite. You've got a Canadian politeness about you. As Arj Barker is to Australia, so Chris Fairbanks is to the great white north.

At least Calgary. Bare minimum Calgary and that giant mall in Calgary. Unless that's in Edmonton. That is in Edmonton. I didn't know we'd be playing trivia. There are live dolphins in that mall. Guess the Commonwealth. One time we were at Just for Laughs.

I'm just dropping one of the bigger festivals I did in the early part of my career. JFL? JFL, yeah, yeah. Not to be confused with the airport in New York. Wait, wait. JSA? That's the Justice Society of America.

I'm sorry. Or JSA, the Junior State of America. Or JBL, the Junior Baseball League. Yeah. Uh-huh. I could have thought of a better one, but I didn't. This has been a fun run, guys. That's how comedy is.

In conclusion. Yeah. No, you're back to the junior state of America. But my friend said, we were in Montreal. And he goes, which providence are we in? And I said, Rhode Island. And he said, isn't that in America? And it was just a real exchange.

And maybe the way I said it without inflection, it didn't register. So I'll redo it. Right. What providence are we in? And I said, Rhode Island. I thought that was in America. Okay. Now it's better.

I get it. I get it now. Thank you. You sold it that time. Yeah. Yeah. The first time I just put it out there on the sidewalk with a free sign on it. Chris.

Can we hear it one more time, but sexy? Hey, fellas, which providence are we in? Don't you mean? I mean Rhode Island. What I like about that one is that you addressed multiple fellas, which leads me to believe, after that hilarious joke, gangbang. Yeah, yeah. That version was very, very, you know, Jodie Foster-y. I don't like to make reference to that movie or light of what happened to her character in that movie. So I'm going to retract what I just said because I'm sensitive.

Thank you, Chris. You're welcome. Sensitive fella. That's why they love you so much in Canada. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, guys. I got a drone.

Tell us about this drone. I got it for free in the mail. I thought it was some kind of head shaving machine because it came with a logo of a popular head shaving machine. Yeah. I'm not going to say what it is, but I will just say this is probably the best drone a man can get. This drone, the best a man can get. This drone, the best a man can get. And I genuinely, I had left it on the shelf in the bathroom in the office for a month. This was swag.

It came in the mail. Okay. Unexpectedly. Right. I didn't order it or request it. It came with the return address of a popular shaving machine company, which we will not mention. Now, this was not

a clout perk, because the clout perk was how I got my ball shaver of choice. The only clout perk I've ever gotten is just a chance to see something on Hulu a day early. That's not a perk. No. No one wants to watch any Hulu original.

That's a punishment, if anything. For your consideration, they just send you a URL of a new Hulu episode. So I assumed that it was just, I assumed it was that situation. Sure.

I assumed it was like a, we'll give you the handle, you have to buy the blades type deal. Sure. And so I just left it in the office bathroom in case I ever was like going out after work

and needed to shower and shave or something like that. And I left it in its packaging. And one day Colin, our senior producer, came up to me and said, Jesse, what's that drone doing in the bathroom? And photographing your dumps. I took it out of the box. At the time there was no Windows phone software, so I put it back in the box. But now I have a different style of popular telephone that is compatible with my drone.

And I learned how to fly it this afternoon while I was waiting for you guys to come here. So when you say drone, of course you're talking about a large – it has to be six or seven feet. It's matte black and it's worth thousands of dollars, right? That's what a drone is. Oh, absolutely not. No, this is about 40 feet long. I control it from a bunker in Indiana. Okay.

And it has an incredible bomb payload. I use it to murder foreigners. Well, then you are talking about a drone then I have to get a sign off from the Secretary of State Jesse I saw the drone on your desk I know of its actual size It's about the size of a drone Yeah we were setting you up Jesse to tell the truth

But apparently you failed our test It's the size of a desert spider Can I ask you guys a favor? Can you not tell the Secretary of State? That you were inferring that you guys were close friends when in fact you're just acquaintances? Well, I'm trying to become friends with him, but I feel like this would really torpedo my chances. Yeah, well, I mean, absolutely. If he knows you're out there, you know, lying about him on unpopular podcasts.

He probably does. I mean, you got to figure if 100,000 people work on the State Department, there might be one that listens to Jordan Jesse Go. Could be. Statistically, they have to. I would guess no. But yeah, I mean, it's stranger things have happened. I mean, what do you figure?

There's 100,000 people in the State Department. Yeah. That means there's 25,000 serial listeners. Yeah. 18,000 Corolla there's 25,000 serial listeners. Yeah. 18,000 Corolla listeners. 10,000 gay guys. One in ten, right? We're just doing demographics?

Oh, yeah, sure. I thought we were doing podcast listenership, but we're doing demographics. Sure. Yeah. What about 12,000 African Americans?

Mm-hmm. Got more people than I'd like living below the poverty line. Sure. Oh, don't get me started. Don't get me started. Very brave. Very brave.

More income inequality. Yeah. 1% Occupy Wall Street. 99. Guy Fawkes mask. Thank you. So brave. You're welcome.

So brave. Pacifica Radio. Yeah. Sometimes I- Speak it out. I let ways drive me through Compton sometimes. Wow. Yeah. Sometimes I Speak it out. I let ways drive me through Compton sometimes. Wow. Yeah. It says would you like to skip Compton? And you're like, no.

No. I'm brave. I'll take it. Yeah. I know it is exact. Compassionate. Sure. I think is the word I would use for Chris. But also you're going to Hollywood Park to build the ponies. And it's also daytime. Yeah. So I do think that's a fair point, though. That with this machine, which, by the way, I'm kind of wondering if we should take this on the boat.

It seems like it might be we're going to buy a boat on Craigslist, Chris, just so you know. Is this boat as to a boat as we know it as that remote control helicopter is to an actual drone? Because that's what we're talking about. A tiny remote control helicopter. That an actual drone because that's what we're talking about, a tiny remote control helicopter. That's the thing. I do think that – I think that somehow the media, by which I mean the MSM, the mainstream media. Sure.

They really sold us a bill of goods. Wait. You're not talking about blogs, right? No. Oh, good. No. I'm talking about the MSM. And I think they really sold us a bill of goods.

I just think that there's pieces of the 9-11 story that don't add up. Sure. You know what I mean? How could those fireballs burn hot enough to take down those buildings? Hashtag loose change. Sure. So, no. I think that there is something to be said for conflating drone and remote control toy.

Remote control toy helicopter. Like drone is a word that got its power from murderous military machines. Yes. It's like if you called matchbox cars tanks. Right. Or the point, yeah, I was trying to say, are you getting a real boat or a Matchbox car version of a boat? That's what I was trying to say earlier. But, you know, you both know I have trouble with my words.

Yeah, that's why you became a professional speaker. Do you mean a Matchbox car boat? Shit. Yeah, no one's getting killed. It's not drone if you're charging it in your USB port. Yeah. Although we don't know how they – do you think that the real – the military drones, they charge those with a lightning cable? One time some guy contacted me because if you just Google the word storyboards my a drawing i did for a commercial that already existed so i storyboarded after the fact just to try and break into that

world and for some reason my storyboards still come up on that first page of you it's just it's a link to my website anyway this guy contacted me out of savannah georgia and he was designing some mobile launch mechanism for like it it's in a series of backpacks. You open the backpacks. You bring them all together, and I storyboarded this process with hands plugging into cables. With a series of plug-ins, you launch a missile, and so I had to show all these hands. I'm not even supposed to talk about this, you guys. Wow.

At the end of it, he requested I take the drawings and shred them and take pictures of me shredding them. And I said, what about the scanned JPEGs that I emailed you? Sure, that he emailed you through Hotmail. He said, it's okay, I just have to show you destroying something. Wow. So after I did these drawings, a storyboard of this launch,

it's hands, drawings of hands, and it was pages of it. You can see it on my website. Can I ask you a question? You can. Yeah, can we still see the shredding, those hot shred pics? I just have the pictures on my website. It's so funny.

Someone's going to kill me. Can I ask you a question about that guy? Uh-huh. Did he give you his name? He was very sweet. He worked for a, I do not recall his name. This was a few years ago. Did he live in Libya at all?

Oh. Were his initials, you don't do not recall his name. This was a few years ago. Did he live in Libya at all? Oh. Were his initials – you don't have to give his name, but were his initials O-V-L? I thought that didn't sound like a southern accent at all. Yeah. I had trouble understanding him. And he did – I do remember he had a weird way of ending our phone calls with – I'd say goodbye and he'd say death to America. And I always thought that was a weird – You thought it was like, oh, the connection is weird.

That was a weird – come again? Maybe he's got T-Mobile. Yes, we will come again. It was always weird who's on first step conversations and I realize now I aided a terror man. A man riddled with the emotion of terror. I aided a terror man, a man riddled with the emotion of terror. I would enjoy it, Jordan, if you got one of the second tier cellular providers. Let's say you had Metro PCS. Cricket, perhaps.

Boost Mobile. Sure. You got Boost Mobile. Instead of the connection becoming staticky or dropping in and out, it just became more and more difficult to decipher the accent. Like if you've got, look, if you have AT&T. Hey, it's your mama. It's me, your mama. But you're like in downtown Los Angeles or San Francisco,

somewhere with a lot of big buildings, maybe it starts to sound like Hugh Grant, right? Yeah. But then if you have cricket wireless and it starts to drop out a little bit, it becomes Welsh. Right. I think with Boost Mobile it would be a reggae guy. Okay, I'll see you later. And I'll be saying, bro, Haile Selassie!

Haile Selassie! Dancehall wireless is going to be our ticket to... You sounded weird at the end of our phone call. Yeah, it's my plan. Anyway, praise Zion. And any lion. Sure. I have really hard time getting reception, Pondy River or Pondy Barn. Time to have sex!

Anyway, I shot the sheriff. What about the deputy? Unclear. Someone else, someone else. Grassy Noel. Grassy Noel. Second shooter. Could have been me. I was doing a lot of shooting. Back then. I was doing a lot of random shooting. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Rendered, a show about making meaning and breaking rules. Tune in to hear how learning

to butcher could change your life. Why turning to the internet for health advice is sometimes a good idea. And what happens when artists are really honest? I mean, I just I think of most of my career in music and art as a bunch of failures, you know? So what keeps you going with it then? Check out Rendered now at MaximumFun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, a lot of fun. It's always nice to see an old friend. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry, I didn't mean to call you old, Chris. No, no. It's always nice to see an elderly man.

Wait a minute. Do you guys have a better chair? My hip hurts. I'm sorry, Chris. It's all right. I think it's sciatica. Can I sell you some insurance? Tendonitis.

As long as it's insurance that covers these swollen ankles. Look at those guys. Chris, I've got a line on a painless catheter. Oh. Is it reusable? Oh, yeah. Oh, I am in. Yeah.

I am in. You can use it on you and then on a friend. Nobody loves catheterization like Chris Fairbanks. By the way, that was my Chris Fairbanks impression. That was my impression of Chris Fairbanks using my voice trying to say the word catheterization, like Chris Fairbanks. By the way, that was my Chris Fairbanks impression. That was my impression of Chris Fairbanks using my voice, trying to say the word catheterization. It was spot on. I thought it was me in you. You can't spell catheter without Chris.

Can you? No. Some people have trouble with the name Kathy, though. Yeah, that's true. Jordan, how are you doing, buddy? I'm doing well. I've had the week off. It's my first week off in some time.

And you're a hard worker. Sure. You go out there at midnight. You're a slave in at the grindstone. Yeah, and then I go right out to a field. Yeah. And then just work in that. Tilling.

Tilling. Shucking. Gin milling. Jiving. Basically the three things. I till, I shuck, and I jive. This is just whatever kind of field. I'm not like, I don't discriminate.

Any kind of, anywhere they need me, I'll be there. Is that why I saw you briefly during the telecast of the Dodgers game? Yeah. Just out there. Yeah, just, you know, making sure the AstroTurf is up to code. Gotcha. You don't want our boys to slip. No, sir.

When they're going out for a long fly ball. You got it. I mean, faulty turf. Yeah. You're going to eat it. Sure. You're going to, I mean, we don't need all this. No.

All this soil talk. No. No. But, yeah, it's been weird. It's been a weird combination of like you know relaxing and then but also like remembering when i was like when i like didn't have a job and was like kind of bummed out and like it's been a kind of a flip-flop between enjoying the relaxation and then remembering myself at my worst.

Are you a good relaxer? I am to a point. I'm good for about three hours of relaxation. I know you well enough to say that you aren't. Yeah. And I'm not trying to slight you. No, I would love to hear your take on it. I see you in me.

Sure. In that I also have trouble sitting in a chair and reading a book without my legs starting to jiggle and me looking out the window. Oh, if you're asking if I'm fidgety, oh, yeah. Yes, fidgety. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. I'll fidget. Can one be fidgety and also relax well? That's the question of the day.

I mean, but I think it's relaxing that I can openly fidget. Right. Oh. I can just sit in my house and do a little bit. Yeah. Oh, sit and be fit? Sure. Oh. I can just sit in my house and, you know, do a little bit. Yeah. Oh, sit and be fit? Sure. Oh.

Got a koosh ball in there. You're just pulling on a little koosh. Pulling on the koosh. Pulling on them kooshies. Chewing on a straw. All kinds of fun stuff. Whittling?

Yeah. Whittling. Mm-hmm. But yeah, it's been nice. It'd be great if you started whittling. That would be cool. But I think it would be dangerous.

I think I would have lots of early mistakes. Yes, I would be making a But I think it would be dangerous. I think I would have lots of early mistakes. Yes, I would be making a lot of shanks. Look at this workable flute. Jordan, that looks like a sharpened toothbrush. And why do you keep your flutes under your pillow? You never know who's going to come for your flutes in the night. Bunch of deviant leprechauns.

Don't touch my night flutes. I've been working on them. Working on my night flutes i've been working on them working on my night flutes love that song um so yeah but i think i've been doing a pretty good job jordan wrote the song working on his night flutes when he was about 12 or 13 working on the night flutes but i it's funny we did uh we did an episode of uh of chris's podcast on the way over here. Do you need a ride? Because I don't think people should be together for extended periods of time and not podcast. Right.

Together. Yeah, exactly. I think if you're together. After a while, as people that just hang out, you run out of things to do. Sure. Eventually, it's going to lead to doing each other's podcasts. Yeah. But yeah, I've been enjoying some lunchtime masturbation, which has been great.

Do you still take five to six lunches a day? Oh, yeah, I do. I take a lot of lunches. I wanted to do that. A lot of very short lunches. Very excited to do that joke. I kind of thought you guys would just start slamming the walls. Slapping, slamming.

Never mind. Then later on, after lunch, he practices night fliers. So that's been a lot of fun. You have a studio down by the bucket pool. What does Jordan Morris do to relax? I like to, you know, pick up the cat carrier from room to room. Can I tell you? Show her the various rooms in the house.

My dog, Coco, had surgery a few weeks ago. Oh, my gosh. And she had a ligament tear repaired. And she is not allowed. Because she runs track now. She does, yeah. Yeah. She's actually the backup quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Oh. Yeah. Boy, they've got some wild fans over there, huh? They've got some wild fans in Philly. It was part of the whole Michael Vick situation. Oh. There was a mix-up at one of the dog fights? Well, just as penance.

Yeah. When you sign Michael Vick, which I think the Eagles did at some point. Yes, yes, yes, indeed. Okay, thank you. Yes, yes. When you sign Michael Vick, they also had to sign a dog. Oh. Yes.

There's nothing in the rules that says a dog can't play football. I'm Christopher Lloyd. I assume that's who says the line in the dog football movie. A dog is not allowed to run or jump for six weeks. How do you communicate that to a dog? You just- Bind them? We have a special bond.

Okay. You sedate the dog. Sure, okay. And you keep it in a baby playpen, which is what we've been doing. Now, my dog is so... Like, they gave us these sedatives. They said one quarter to one pill.

Do you do a little, hey, Coco, one for you, one for me. Yeah. One for you, one for daddy. Ooh, I love taking those dogs. Oh, yeah. At the club. Hey, want to try one of these woof tranks?

Want a man's best friend? Yeah. So the tranquilizers. That would be funny if you tried to take one of those just to get fucked up and you turned into a dog. That's a real Sylvester in the Magic Pebbles situation. Sure. Just the premise of a totally acceptable 80s movie, too. It's amazing what they got away with. Yeah. Judge Reinhold is the star of that.

What just happened? And then there was an explosion. Anyway, I play basketball now. For some reason. And say a lot of casual gay slurs. It was a different time. I mean, you've met my dog, Jordan. It's a busy dog.

Yeah. It's a very – She's a busy girl. It's this Coco, right? It is Coco. Okay, yeah. But very high energy. Neither of them is particularly chill.

No. And Coco, we started on a quarter. It did nothing. So we went up to one, and that was still doing nothing. And they gave us special permission to go up to one and a half, which does almost nothing, is how I would characterize it. You have to be careful judging based on the animal's even blood type. Did you get a blood test? And they said, yes, you can sedate this dog.

We checked the blood type. It's O negative. And actually, we did some, we ran, we had some Japanese baseball fans tell us what that meant for her slugging.

Mm-hmm. Japanese baseball fans are into blood types. Oh, yeah. But the great, so the challenge of it is that Coco wants to run around

and do stuff and jump up and down and bark at the mailman and bark at every other goddamn thing in the world. And that's hard. Yes. But the fun part is and jump up and down and bark at the mailman and bark at every other goddamn thing in the world. And that's hard.

Yes. But the fun part is that I get to pick her up every time she has to go outside to go to the bathroom. So I get to pick her up and cuddle her on the way there and on the way back. Yeah, that's a lot of fun. And it is really fun. Picking up a pet is fun. Do you kind of try and squeeze the pee out of her?

Yeah, sort of like a grapefruit. Oh, yeah. Do you guys ever grab your dog or cat and put its ear in your mouth and bite on it? Not with your teeth, but with your lips. Yeah. Protect. And just press as hard as possible

and you feel the cool sensation of that ear that's been out in the air all day. Yeah, it's intimate. And just press on it. You get to feel the wild spirit that flows through them. Sure. I get on my hands and knees. Something primal that we've lost. Right. You get to feel the wild spirit that flows through them. Sure. I get on my hands and knees. Something primal that we've lost.

Right. I get on my hands and knees a lot and stick my nose into my dog's fur to sniff it. Oh, isn't that? Which area? That's really nice. My dog, in the inner dog vagina. Okay. That's what I thought. That's why it's going out.

That's the only part of a dog I'm allergic to. That's what they call man's best friend, right? Upper back. Upper back where the hair is longest. Yeah. My dog, one of my dogs smells lousy like a dog. Sissy does not smell that good. But Coco actually smells kind of nice.

What's Coco smell like? I hope. Coco. Coco Chanel. Like popcorn. Oh, wow. That's amazing. Yeah, it's really nice.

Sissy has a little bit more of an acrid pee type smell. Do you wash Coco in butter? Yes, we do. Coco butter. Yeah, it's really nice. Sissy has a little bit more of an acrid pee type smell. Do you wash cocoa in butter? Yes, we do. Cocoa butter. Yes, yes, of course. That's what you'd have to call it. It'd be weird to call it something else. Yes, yes.

It makes me feel... I can't believe it's not cocoa butter. It makes you feel... You just rub an oily margarine on the dog. Just butter? Yeah, almost. It does make me feel bad for people with pets that they can't pick up.

What a bummer. You'll notice on my arm, I've got some arm scratchies here. Oh, look at that. You do have some arm scratchies. Did you guys have an argument? This happened was I was carrying the cat from room to room and I just, I dropped her.

Straight up dropped her and she tried to cling on the way down. How did you drop her? Just, it's like one of those things where you're walking and you trip. You just do something for no reason because your body momentarily gives up. And this isn't a roast of Jordan,

but not only is he fidgety, he's sort of clumsy. A little clumsy, sure. Yeah, I've seen him. All right, next thing you know you're going to get into the big penis material. All right, let me have it, fellas. Let me have it.

I'm a good sport. Yeah, I spill a lot of drinks. I'll just drop something. I think I do that more than most. I think I just am holding something and then it falls to the ground. I don't mean to make light of your health, but is it possible that you're suffering from multiple sclerosis? It could just be my penis gets in the way. Or ALS.

I thought we weren't going to roast your penis. No, guys. Let me have it. I know you've prepared all these big schlong jokes. This is going to be a Hawaiian-style luau penis roast. I could have put an apple in my penis. Wearing it in the dirt. With a hog leg.

Oh, no. I hate this. And then another tiny apple in your Eurishma mouth. Yuck. Gross. I made it horrible. And my coworkers noticed these arm scratchies. And they're like, you know, are you okay?

Have you been going to Hot Topic again? Yeah. And I said, I just dropped my cat. And they're like, what were you doing with her? I'm like, well, nothing. I was just carrying her from room to room. And then Matt Myra, former guest on the show, my current co-worker, just looks at me and he's like, what's your life like? She's like, I guess it is odd that I do spend time.

And I don't have a huge place. You got a nice bachelor apartment. I don't like that. I don't like that people are judgy about loving cats the same way you can love a dog. There's so many people that are exclusively like dog people and then they make fun of you for loving a cat.

I don't think this is a dog person situation. I think this is just a general You got hate-crimed by some dog lover. You know what? I'm sick and tired of Matt Myra of the Nerdist podcast. That's right. Thank you.

Being too cool for school. Very brave. There's one phrase I could use to describe Matt Myra. It's too cool for school. He's just another one of these people that is addicted to the unconditional love of a dog. I don't think he owns a dog. For the record, I don't think he owns a dog. He's a dog lover.

of a dog. I don't think he owns a dog. For the record, I don't think he owns a dog. He's a dog lover. This guy with his love of cocaine and electroclash music and Williamsburg

circa 2003. Sure. God, you know what? This Vice magazine motherfucker with his contemptuous These are all applicable. skinny pants. Sure.

And inability to earn the love of a cat. He's a monster. Sorry you have to earn it, everybody a cat. He's a monster. Sorry you have to earn it, everybody. Yeah. That's what Jordan's doing. I guess you just want your money for free, too. You know what that sounds like?

Stealing. Sorry, I'm not a stealer. Do you find video games relaxing, Jordan? I do find video games relaxing. That's a nice zone for me to be in. What kind of video game are we talking about? Lately I've been playing Far Cry 4. What happens in that?

This is a game where you are in a Himalayan village. Pretty chill so far. Very chill. You walk around. You can even take bong rips in it too. No way. There's bong rips in this game? Oh yeah. You can take mad bong rips. Are there any fatty bong rips? Yeah. Also, I'm going to counter with another question.

Are there any other kind? Right. Yeah. Now what I'm pulling. And there's a rebel uprising going on in this Himalayan village. Oh, see, now that's not that chill. No, it's not. I mean, there are parts of it that are downright unchill. Who's rising up?

The Yetis or is it an uprising against the Yetis? Well, the Yetis are downloadable content. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, I have not beaten the original campaign. Okay. It's a fairly long game. I don't know if when I'm done I'll want to play more levels that have Yetis. Maybe I will.

I'm having a lot of fun with it. Can I give you some advice? Sure. I bought a downloadable content for Skyrim. Your guy's too powerful. He's got too good of archery. Sure. It's going to be kind of boring because you can just kill the dragons using your super good archery.

Yeah. So I don't recommend you buy this Yeti thing because your archery is going to be too good. There is archery in this game, and you can level it up. So this is applicable. Yeah. You can tell by maybe – I can buy a little scope on my crossbow now so I can aim better. With a laser on it?

You can buy a lasered one. I went for another kind of scope because it's a little easier for me to aim. It's a preference thing. It's like cats and dogs. I'm not going to, like, judge you if you want a laser scope. But just don't make fun of me for buying a manual scope. Jordan has special needs because he's aiming around his hog. I have to aim around.

Guys, come on. Oh, boy. I'm getting what I signed up for. I knew it was going to get this brutal when I signed up for this When I say he's clumsy it's usually he's tripping over his dick Where's your hand Jesse? Come on! Oh no! I am roasted

Thoroughly roasted Hashtag the slap Is this Boston Market? Hashtag the slap The NBC miniseries You're supposed to write that when you high five your friend Hashtag the slap I did like that I'm glad sure. The NBC miniseries. You're supposed to write that when you high-five your friend. Oh, yeah. Like the same way you hit Chris. Oh, you hear that?

Hashtag the slap. I did like that. I'm glad we redid it the first one. I'm glad we're building some buzz for what's really a great show. Yeah, it really is. Everything I've heard about that show has been positive. I've definitely heard nothing bad about it. I am so impressed that anyone can be relaxed by video games. Yeah. For me, I feel like I go into the same state playing video games that I do reading a novel. Well, it goes along the lines.

It's just this kind of – it washes over me. Now, sometimes when it's particularly hard, I'll get a little ganked up. But for the most part, it's kind of a – it's a zen. It's a – yeah. My biggest problem with video games is if I get a video game that I don't like, it's boring. If I get a video game that I do like, I like lock into it, but my intensity is such. Sure. That like, I, I like tense every muscle in my body, all of my eyes.

I start to like blur and then I give myself a migraine. That happened to me when I had the Marvel Friends game that you gave me. And it happened to me with Skyrim, even though Skyrim may literally be the chillest video game ever. Yeah, yeah. Skyrim is mostly just walking in a valley. Sure. Oh, look.

Oh, look. There's a berry I need. Go to a mountainous region. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I've just, you know, I think video games to me have always symbolized I'm having some me time. I'm relaxing. This is leisure time. So I think I associate them with, like, hey, now it's just time to relax.

Well, you're relaxing, and then still your hands have time to be fidgety. Yeah. Because you're fidgety as you relax. Come on. I wasn't going to let that go. All right. Now it's time for another big penis one. I can feel it.

I can feel it. Here it comes. I know what you're fidgeting with. I can feel the, yeah. It's time for your sixth lunch. Come on, Jesse. Remember? He masturbates a lot.

Come here. The slip. The slip. Yeah. You guys want to go to Taco Bell for six lunch after this? Get some quesadillas. Oh, man. Some crunchy chicken wraps.

I'm going to need plenty of that cheese sauce, if you know what I mean. Oh, yeah. And then we're going to jerk it into some Mountain Dew Cool Breeze. Exclusive to the bell. Yeah. Then I'm going to- Mountain Dew Cool Breeze? Oh, I don't know.

There's a Taco Bell exclusive Mountain Dew. I forget the name, but it's something like Cool Breeze. I like the idea of Mountain Dew Cool Breeze because in my imagination, it's licensed from second tier dungeon family member Cool Breeze. Sure. Tastes like him. Mountain Dew Cool Breeze. Watch for the hook. I like the idea of – This is one semi-hit song.

Mountain Dew Cool Ranch Doritos. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. All on a taco. You don't like that? Now that I thought about it, it sounds horrible. It's two things that the same person likes, but together.

I think Taco Bell has had a lot of success with their I dare you to eat this mashups. Oh, yeah. Just fucking pour some dew on that shit. Yeah. Take it to the next level. Blast it with some lettuce out of a caulking gun. Nothing like caulked lettuce. It's the best. Nothing like cocked lettuce. It's the best.

I like all my veggies cocked. They're just on the assembly. Can you cock this up a little? I like my veggies like my bathtubs. Filled with cock. Yeah. I have so little interest in novelty fast food. The entire fast food industry runs on novelty fast food. Yeah. I mean, I think the fast food industry has had a bad novelty fast food. Yeah. Well, I mean, you're not a – The entire fast food industry runs on novelty fast food.

Yeah. I mean, I think the fast food industry has had a bad couple of years. Yeah. I think they've been hurt by people becoming – Hashtag locavore. Sure, yeah. Hashtag the slap. Hashtag the best a man can get.

It seems like now fast food is all just like trying to, it's two things. It's trying to trick you into thinking it's a place you can get a salad. Right. Or just taunting 13-year-olds, basically saying, I bet you won't eat this asshole. I feel like. Have your mom drop you off. I left, I abandoned it around the time when the international chicken sandwich at Burger King where you could get American, French, or Italian.

Sure. Go on a little world tour. Well, when's the last time you guys went to Kentucky Fried Chicken? They're definitely in your face. I dare you to eat this, the whole menu. It's like sandwiches, but it's not bread. It's two fried pieces of chicken with a piece of grilled chicken in the middle. But you have to eat through a pie to get to it. Yeah, yeah.

It's all in the middle of a pie. It's like the light middle of a pie. It's like a latticework of bacon. Yeah. It's a Nickelodeon obstacle course. The thing is... And it's all soaked in gas. Yeah. And at the end, you have to blow Mark Summers for some reason before you get your sandwich.

No one knows. And if you say you don't know... Allegedly. Allegedly. You are alleging. Yes. Oh, did Mark Summers have a sex scene? And if you say you don't know. Allegedly. You are alleging. Yes. Oh, did Mark Summers have a sex scene? Yeah, wait. I didn't know that. No, he's well regarded.

Sure. I think he is. You're thinking of the frugal gourmet. I am thinking of, yeah, that's the guy who had kids blow him for Genesis. Oh, Guy Fieri. We know he does that. Sorry to bring him up. Yeah. He made nachos in a garbage can recently. Really? Yeah. I feel like every time No, he does that. Yeah. Sorry to bring him up. Yeah. He made nachos in a garbage can recently. Really?

Yeah. I feel like every time. No, he didn't. Every time we go on hiatus for At Midnight, some fucking crazy thing happens that would be perfect for the show. Right. Last hiatus, Screech stabbed someone in a casino. Oh, yeah.

And this hiatus, Guy Fieri made nachos in a garbage can. Did you know Screech is totally in jail? He's incarcerated. Oh, wow. Because this hiatus, Guy Fieri made nachos in a garbage can. Did you know Screech is totally in jail? He's incarcerated. For stabbing? Yeah, because he lied about it. He said, no, I was offering someone a ballpoint pen. I was signing. I should mail him some night flutes.

Yeah, you should. He'll be needing them. Yeah. Just give him a sock filled with soap bars. Do you think Screech is doing okay in jail? Yeah, he's tough. Yeah. He's king of the yard.

He's got those off-color jokes he told on the set of America that one time when we were in college. Oh, wow. Really? You had him as a guest? Yeah. It was bad. Wow. It was bad, Chris.

It was much worse than you could ever think it would be. Wow. The two things in my life that have been much worse than you would ever imagine them to be were the time we had Screech on the show and he just told jokes about disabled people. Street jokes. Wow. He works comedy clubs that I wish I could work. Like he gets – I hate it. Yeah.

And he goes in there and he does joke book jokes about disabled people. Oh, wow. Wow. And the other one was when we went to the Gallagher show in college. And it turns out his whole show is not breaking things up, not hitting things with a hammer. That's the last hour. Yeah, but, like, you have to wait two hours. Of three. Yes, of three. The show is so long.

No opener. Well, unless you count Gallagher riding around the audience on a giant three-wheel bicycle. While muttering teabagger right-wing politics, right? He's like hardcore, right? And racist and homophobic. Oh, yeah. A lot of racist jokes in Gallagher's act. A lot of homophobia in his act.

You're like, is this man real? Wow. Yeah. Those are the two big disappointments of my career. Yeah. Oh, and not being successful at my chosen field. Yeah. Well, that's minor.

Yeah. Other than. Three top three. Top three. But yeah, I feel like, oh, and we had another hiatus. The guy from Creed made those crazy vlogs. Oh, yeah. Crazy.

That was maybe a little too sad to be funny. That was pretty sad. Oh, where he needed money. It's a funny concept. Yeah. He thought people were after him. Oh, no. They've been stealing his royalties.

Did I tell you guys about the time I was at a bar and I gave the drummer from Stained a ride home? No, please tell us about that. I just, I mean, that's pretty much the story. But when I drop him off, it was a nice house. How did you get to talking to this guy? He just sat next to me and said, hey, man, what's going on? And I'm like, I was almost like, I'd kind of just rather be alone. I was writing or something. I was at a bar, but it's down the street from my house.

He's like, oh, my damn wife. This is in Venice? Yeah, yeah. And he kept sitting closer to me. And he's like, yeah, I'm in a band. You may have heard of a stained. You're not in stained. And then he knew right away that I was someone that probably didn't like Stained.

And he was like, I mean, we still have a pretty good following. I know that we had our heyday, but we still sell out a lot of places. He started defending Stained to me because I was clearly— Well, I mean, it's his life's work. Yeah, yeah. Why doesn't he just some yokel, some local yokel? He was as ridiculous as you might think, but he also started— Did he look like a guy who had been in—did he have, like, facial piercings?

Yes. He had a graphic tee, and he was kind of balding. And tattoo, yeah. When it's a rock star, you notice it more. And then he was like, can I get a ride home? I'm like, well, my car is down—it's seven blocks away. I live—he's like, well, I'll is down. It's seven blocks away. I live. He's like, well, I'll walk with you.

So we went for a walk. And then we got in my car, and he did coke in the car the whole time. Did he really? He offered it to me at, like, stoplights. And I'm like, I do not desire your rowdy powder. And then when I dropped him off at the house, it was just little tykes, equipment, and toys everywhere. A decent house, kind of by LAX. And then I let him off at the house, it was just little tykes, equipment, and toys everywhere. A decent house, kind of by LAX. And then I let him come out.

But it's so funny that he was like – Exchange numbers. I have his phone number. We could call him. Anyway, that's my long story. God, that's so – a lot of that's crazy. I mean, obviously, you know, the guy probably has a – God, how did he get all the way out to Venice? That's a long drive. He had had a fight with someone, and it wasn't his wife, but it was a lady, and I didn't ask any more questions about that.

I'm not here to break up a rock marriage. Sure. But, yeah, he was complaining about his wife, and I think – Would you break up, like, a bakery marriage? I would, yeah. What about a doo-wop marriage? Oh, I will. I've broken up barbershop quartets.

about a doo-wop marriage oh i will i've broken up barbershop quartets the entire orioles yeah are living solo now at the age of 85 oh so you're the reason we're not getting a new capital steps album sorry sorry congress the opposite of progress that's mark rus. Same shit, though. Yeah. I was just talking about Brian Stack. Brian Stack, comedy writer for the Conan O'Brien show, now going to be headed to New York to be a comedy writer on the new Colbert show. Love the tribute they did to him on Conan. I thought that was great. Yeah. Man, Brian Stack's the greatest.

Sure. Past guest on this show. But Brian was in the band, and I'm using this in the comedy sketch, The Slipknot. Sure. Which you guys may remember that the premise of The Slipknot was it was him, I want to say Andy Blitz and... Anyway. John Glazer.

John Glazer, yes, thank you. And the three of them in like red sweater vests. And the premise is Conan meant to book Slipknot on the show. And then he accidentally booked the Slipknots. And they're just these guys who sing the song that goes, we're the Slipknots. We're slipping on nuts. Round and around. Slipping on nuts.

And they did a whole documentary that I posted when Brian said he was – when it came out that it was Brian's last day on Conan where they went and opened for Slipknot. And you just see all these just – they go out in these outfits on stage at like – I don't know, that arena in Anaheim or something like that. I was going to say Anaheim Arena. I really was. San Bernardino. That's where KFest is held. And there's just all these – Not good.

All these just – first, there's just these confused looks on the faces of these dudes in the front row. And then they're just flipping them off and throwing stuff. How much time could the Slip Nuts do? So they only – they can't have done more than three minutes. Yeah. Because their song is only like 60 seconds long. They can't have done more than three minutes. Yeah.

Because their song is only like 60 seconds long. And Brian told me that before they went out there, the Slipknot's manager grabbed them by the shoulder and he said, Guys, be careful out there. These fans throw batteries, and that's at bands they like. Batteries? Like double A batteries? Not double A's. I'm talking C's and D's, I think. Yeah, sure.

Oh, man. Car. Something you'd put's and D's. Yeah, sure. Oh, man. Car. Something you'd put in a car battery. Yeah. Wow. Marine. They are so insane. You mean like a battery for a boat?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Of course. They're a little bigger. Back of the trunk lowrider speaker. Yeah, you got it. Batteries. Those are also car batteries.

Okay, I'm out. So Slipknot. Drone batteries. I don't know how long they've been doing this, but I guess something they would like to make annual is Knot Fest. Happens in San Bernardino. Is it a celebration of Celtic culture? I think it's a celebration of monster-based metal music.

Right. Yeah. Are they monsters? They're like zombies. What are they? They have blood on themselves. Yeah. But they monsters? They're like zombies. What are they? They have like blood on themselves. Yeah.

But they have like gimp masks on, right? Yeah. And like, what's the guy with the nails in his head? Hellraiser. Hellraiser type hats.

Okay. Oh, wow. Like a classic Hellraiser hat. Yeah. It's just like one of those Captain Baseball caps but with nails.

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. And they wanted the whole festival to have a signature smell. Uh-huh. They wanted something, you know, for it to be something that you, like, you walked away from Knotfest and, you know, you smelled it on your clothes a couple days later. It's called perfume. And you could remember the fun time you had with all your awful buddies at Knotfest. Right.

And they achieved this signature smell by setting a pile of camel dung on fire. What? And just let that blow over the whole thing. That's the signature smell you want? Yeah. A horrible one? I think so. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty metal. You have to give. A horrible one? I think so. Yeah.

I mean, it's pretty metal. You have to give it to them that that is pretty metal. Do they have the camels there? Because that would be fun. That would be fun. What if they all came in on camels? Oh, man. The camels took a shit and they just threw matches.

Oh, sure. Yeah. As the camels were walking. That would be pretty cool. Anyway. Camels are pretty fun. Which would you say is more metal? This is a serious question. Sure. Yeah. Camels are pretty fun. Oh, they're great. Which would you say is more metal? This is a serious question.

Sure, yeah. Camels are dromedaries. Oh. I couldn't even say it. Wait, wait. So what's the... Wait, let me try this again. So dromedary is...

Can I try it again? Sure, yeah. Can I try it again? Guys, can I ask you a serious question? Sure, please. Which would you... We're taking this seriously. Which would you say is more metal?

Camels are dromedaries? I know I have an answer to this question. So a dromedary, how many humps does that have? I think the dromedary has one hump and the camel has two humps. So a dromedary is not a camel? I don't think. No, I think it's. I think there's two different names for camel.

I think a dromedary is a camel. Uh-huh. Brian, can we have some help on this? God damn it, Brian. What are you doing over there? What's a camel? What's the difference between a camel? Just take out your phone and say, phone, what's the difference between a camel and a dromedary?

And then I want to know. Don't be a jackass, Brian. Jesus Christ. I'm asking Google. I'm asking Google. Don't be a jackass, Brian. Jesus Christ. I'm asking Google. I'm asking Google. Siri. Okay. Brian says a dromedary is an Arabian or Indian camel.

And can you tell me is. How many humps? Is a moose a type of. Oh, wow. Hello. Siri, what is the difference between a camel and a dromedary? Google, how many humps does a camel have? Why is Brian such a jackass?

Siri, are you Tom Cruise's daughter? Okay, what are the difference? Didn't work. Okay, Bactrian has two humps. Google sent it back to me. So Bactrian camel, two humps. Dromedary, one hump. I'm going to say the most metal of the camels is the...

So I was right all along. Wow. Thank you very much. So the Bactrian camel has two humps. I would say it's the most metal because it mimics the two bass drum style that metal drummers use. One hump for each bass drum. But what about this?

What happens if you try to ride a metal dude? He'll shake you off. A single hump camel, such as a dromedary, only has one hump so there's no comfortable place to rest. I always have thought about that. Comfort is not very metal.

So, yeah, I guess if you were riding a two-humped camel, you nestle between the humps. Yeah, but on the other hand, that's like putting your face between two titties. Am I right, guys? Oh, yeah. Hashtag the sack. Hashtag camel motorboat. Hashtag store water for later, the desert. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse.

Go. I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host a comedy podcast about parenting where we remind you that despite what the Internet says, no one really cares what kind of parent you are. One bad mother. we're the friends with kids you want to hang out with check us out on itunes and maximumfun.org it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morse boy detective La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. Chris Fairbanks. Always fun to have Chris Fairbanks here. Oh, yeah. Oh, thanks, guys. Why don't we just give Chris Fairbanks a call?

Have him come by. Yeah. Why not? He's a fun guy. He's funny. He's talented. Sure. You guys, I'm right here.

It's the Comedy Central roast of Chris Fairbanks. Get a little hog on this guy. Sure. You know, I'm right here. It's the Comedy Central roast of Chris Fairbanks. Get a little hog on this guy. Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'd say he's a better guest than Guy Branum, who is a great guest himself. Whoa. I thought that was going in a different direction.

Yeah. Can I say something about Guy Branum real quick? Mm-hmm. Brian and I, before the show started, before you guys made your first appearance at this locale, we're talking about how much we love Guy Branum's new Max Fun Show, Pop Rocket. Sure. I love to listen to it every week. I look forward to it.

Brian was just saying he's got such a long list of podcasts that he likes listening to, but he's found that Pop Rocket has moved to the top of the list every week for him. It's the first thing he listens to, the thing he looks forward to most, and it's relatively short, so it's a real snappy listen. I'm just saying, Pop Rocket. These are the facts. This is just the reality of the situation. Listen to Pop Rocket, because it's great. I'm going to.

It's the same for me. I feel the same way. Matt Belknap was just talking about how much he loves it. Oh, there you go. Yeah, so there you go. I feel the same way. Matt Belknap was just talking about how much he loves it on YouTube. How funny. There you go. So there you go. Pop rocket in your iTunes. When something momentous happens to you, like you have the chance to listen to a great new podcast from MaximumFun.org, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions.

We've got some momentous occasions lined up. Let's hear the first one. Hi, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Jess. I'm driving home from my job. It's like 11 o'clock at night. And I almost hit a possum.

And I didn't hit it. I swerved in time. I also swerved just in time to realize it was shitting in the middle of the road. How exciting is that? Yes, I just saw a possum pooping in the middle of the road. They poop like dogs, apparently. Anyways, really excited about a possum pooping. I'm also really tired from working all day.

Anyways, have a great show. Bye. Can I ask you a question? Does she sound cute or is it just that she's talking about sexy? She sounds cute. I knew that Jordan was imagining what she looked like. Sure. Sure. Yeah.

I think she's, you know, I think long. I'm just going to paint a picture for you. Long string of dead possums. Long string of dead possums. I love that in a girl. Shed in the woods with like a lot of rusty tools. Keep talking. A Bible.

Oh, shit. That she's written in with blood I'm about to eat my own lunch yeah or take one nevermind I said it wrong

and just this beautiful mask made from the skin of her victims oh right that just kind of it's not pulled taut around her face

but it's kind of hanging you know it drapes it drapes can I say drapes you sure does that seem like

the right word well her drapes are also crepes her drapes are made out of drapes? You sure? Does that seem like the right word? Well, her drapes are also... Crepes. Her drapes are made out of eating crepes. Just shoving them in her skin mask. Oh, God. It's horrible.

I mean, yeah. Can I say something about possums? Sure. There's some possums in my neighborhood. There's a lot of animals in my neighborhood, which I'm not that comfortable with. You're from Montana, Chris. You know from animals. But I'm from inner city with. You're from Montana, Chris. You know from animals. But I'm from inner city San Francisco.

Yeah. I don't know anything about animals. Possums just look like big rats to me. Possums are monsters. They're horrible. Fucking, you know, what's the one that makes the stink out of its butt? Skunks. Sure.

Skunks. Skunks are pretty cute. Skunks are very cute. They'd have a little walk where they'd go, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. That's exactly what I was thinking of. They got their funny stripe. Sure.

They're always chasing cats around who got painted. Yeah, yeah. And kind of have sexual advances upon them. Yeah. Yeah. They got those fun accents. It was a different time. It was a different time for a French skunk.

We painted cats and tried to corner them at a construction site and fuck them. And sometimes we turned into homophobic werewolves and were good at basketball. Yeah, and surfed on ice cream trucks. To be fair, I think it was Stiles that was homophobic. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Anyway, Stiles. I think possums are the grossest animal that lives in my area. And I'm including fuzzy caterpillars.

Sure. I'm including roly-poly bugs, which recently, by the way, apparently we live in the age of big roly-poly because 20,000 roly-poly bugs just appeared on my front walkway the other day. Get out of here, roly-polies. Yeah. So there's a lot of animals that are gross and unpleasant. You know, coyotes. I don't care for those. Have you ever seen a baby

possum? One that doesn't look like it's gone through chemo, that has a nice, even coat of fur and, sure, that pink rat tail, but a face. The baby ones are cute. I promise you. I also think that the babies are cute. The babies are cute. They hang on to the mama.

When they actually – playing possum is a real thing they do, and it's pretty great when you see what it – I would – because they were all around my house in Venice, I would go up to him and go, hey. And he really did like hang upside down and pretend to be dead, but I could see his eyes looking at me waiting for me to leave. And I was like, I can't stay mad at you just because you have crooked teeth and look like you'd be in a New York subway. Yeah, they're the best. I kind of. I decided I like the ugly ones, too. We just have to disagree on this.

At least they all know where to go to the bathroom. In the street. Yeah. Middle of the street. Light that poop on fire. You got yourself a Slipknot concert. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and

guest. This is Rosanna. I'm from Canada, but I'm currently in Vegas and kind of drunk. And I just saw a panhandler with a sign that said, just looking at butts. Love you guys. Bye. Rosanna's pretty dope. Yeah.

Oh, also, I forgot to tell you guys about my trip to Vegas. Wait, you went to Vegas? Yeah, and it had this cool sign. It said, just looking at butts. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you make any money? I wasn't out for money. Oh, you were just looking at butts.

To be honest. All right. So brave. So brave. You know what? You know what you remind me of a lot? Hmm? Bill Maher.

Yeah, yeah. You don't care whether something's funny or not funny or racist or not racist. You're just spitting faxes. You see them. You see envelopes and you push them. Take that envelope. You're a real envelope pusher.

How about the edge of the table for you? You don't even have a butt. Yeah, or a stamp. Envelope. Yeah, no a stamp. Envelope. Yeah, no, thank you for recognizing how brave I am. You got a lot of hot takes, too. Sure, hot takes. That's another thing about you that I like. Hot takes, cool treats. I tell you that there is a-

You want an opinion, an uncensored opinion about this Daily Show fellas Twitter feed or a dilly bar. Right. I've got one of each. Can I get a hot take on a cool treat real quick? I think blizzards are racist. And I don't think they should host the Daily Show. Wow. Have you seen these blizzards?

They're ice cream. Blizzards may be racist. The reasons will surprise you. Yeah. Slate.com slash blizzards? They're ice cream. Blizzards may be racist. The reasons will surprise you. Yeah. Slate.com slash blizzards. Yeah. Patton Oswalt absolutely eviscerates blizzards in this epic Twitter rant. I have a real question about frozen treats.

Sure. As you know, Jordan, and Chris, you're about to learn, I'm a real partisan to the It's It brand frozen confection. It's It? It's It. Tell me more about this. I've never heard of it. Well, it's native to California, specifically the San Francisco Bay Area, but it's available in grocery stores here. And it's two chewy oatmeal cookies with ice cream in between covered in chocolate.

Whoa. It's really good. I didn't expect that last Whoa. It's really good. I didn't expect that last part. It's really good. And so I don't always go trolling through the frozen aisle looking for – I usually just go with the its-its. Yeah. But, you know, once in a while maybe I want some ice cream.

I got to find if there's a new good kind of ice cream that doesn't have chocolate in it, which is rare. And I was in my local – guys, you guys know that I'm not a bragger, right? Yeah. I was shopping at Food for Less. Okay. And – All right.

That's gross. That's not – just not bragging. That's like gross. Number four. Sorry. Less. And there is a brand – it may be a Los Angeles-specific brand of ice cream bars. Homey?

Homeboy? Homeboy Industries. Two not Homeboy Industries. I would love it if they were making ice cream bars in prison. I would buy those in a heartbeat. Yeah. Or a reformed gang member making an ice cream bar. Yes, please.

Homeboy Industries. Good guac. You guys had the guac? Yes, I have. Ooh, they can make a guac. This is a popular halfway house program here in Los Angeles where former gang members make chips, salsa, and guacamole.

It's really a great idea. It's great. It's a whole great thing. Anyway. There's also a movie theater where the Homeboy Industries guys serve you homemade pastries. And they're great. They're legit great. That sounds good. What kind of pastries are we talking about? Empanadas?

No, these are like sweet pastries. These are like little cinnamon rolls. It'd be funny if hidden in every other one was like a file or something to break out. Yeah. I don't know. There are two distinctive characteristics of this new type of ice cream bar that they're carrying at my local Food for Less. Number one, they cost $4 each. Each?

Per bar. That's not for a box. No, $4 for a bar. This is not for a box. No. It's kind of steep. $4 per bar. For a bar. Okay. That is steep. Well, it's certainly not less. Food for more.

Yeah. Number two. Thank you. So brave. Thank you. They are modern architecture themed. Oh, this is cool house. What?

Cool house. I wish that there was a grade lower than F-minus. Yeah. That I could give this grocery store frozen treat that costs $4. What? Let me be clear. They are not architectural in their construction. If this was

a frozen treat in the shape of falling water. Right. Not the substance. The famous Frank Lloyd Wright house. I would be all for it. That would be awesome. Yeah. If you want to give me a Mies van der Rohe designed bar.

Yeah, with its signature on it. I'm into it. I'll eat this. Rem Koolhaas. Stark. Which it's named after. Sure. Koolhaas.

Koolhaas. That just occurred to me. I'm on board for that. It's just a regular fucking ice cream bar with a name that's a pun on a modern architect. Sure, so you can feel like a fancy pants. Oh, go fuck yourself. And that's at Food for Less? Not you, Jordan.

No. The $4 bar. Sure. If it was $1 or $2, I wouldn't be bothered by it. Yeah, sure. Honestly. Have all the goofy names you want. Yeah, if it costs the same amount as the other ones, I just don't want to pay extra for a fucking Dwell magazine name.

Take it to Pinterest, asshole. Yeah, you got it. We got one more call. It's one of my famous rants. Here's a hot take. Go suck a lemon. Hashtag the slap. That's right.

Oh, I'm so bad at that. Holy shit. I just hashtag the slapped Chris's wristwatch bracelet off. We high-fived so hard my watch broke. Wow. Yeah. Talk about a slap. Oh, man.

Back to the call. Sure. Let's get back to this call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Dustin in East Tennessee. I have a momentous occasion that happened today. I called AT&T's U-verse technical support because my DVR box was broken and my wife couldn't watch whatever show it was she watches. So I called and the guy answered.

I finally got a guy after pushing like 18 buttons. And he said, hey, this is U-verse TV, blah, blah, blah. My name's Frank. What can I do for you? Extremely unprofessional. And I said, hi, uh, my master DVR keeps showing the disaster recovery screen and won't blah, blah, blah. And he interrupted me and said, the damn thing's broke. You want a new one? And I said, uh, yeah, please. If it's broken, I guess. And he said, it is their trash.

And then he told me a story about how they have great service, but the boxes are really shitty. Uh, and then he asked for my pin and all that stuff. So I gave him my information and he said, okay, it'll be there tomorrow. Anything else? And I said, no. Um, by the way, this has been the best customer service experience in my life. Very fast and very, you know, normal. And he said, glad to hear it. Uh, today's my last day at AT&T. And he told me that he's 64 years old. He's taken over 70,000 of those calls in his life. And that he said, and I quote, I'm going to Hawaii with my wife on Friday and we are leaving until we die. Work is bullshit. And then he hung up.

Wow. Thanks, guys. Have a great day. Keep doing what you're doing. Fucking the wisdom of our elders. Yeah, geez. That was great. I was a little mad at the guy because he's not paying attention to the shows his wife likes.

Yeah, yeah. Personally, I try and share those shows with her. Maybe she's watching something cool. I'm no relationship expert, but I'm saying you got to share things. Maybe she's watching Cucumber Banana. I hear that's pretty good. What's that? It's like a gay show on Logo.

I hear it's pretty good. Cucumber Banana? Yeah, it's called Cucumber Banana, I'm pretty sure. What happens on it? It's like one, okay, so one is, it's from the creator of Queer as Folk. Okay. Another confusingly as Folk. Okay. Another confusingly named television program. It's like a middle-aged gay couple and they're going through dramas.

And then there's short pieces about young gay couples that enter and exit their life. Huh. Cucumber Banana. And it's named- One of them's called Cucumber, one of them's called Banana. I don't remember which one's which one. Are they cartoon characters? Is this a kid's show?

No, yeah. Logo's first foray into children's programming. Yeah, it's for little homosexuals. Just people who are curious, because it's not a binary, it's a spectrum. Sure. I would expect a show with cucumbers and bananas to be about lesbian couples. Yeah, because they put it in there. Yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah. Chris, that really shows that you have a limited understanding of LGBT television programming. Well, is that why you're not high-fiving me or leaving me hanging? Because I was insensitive? I do know that on RuPaul's Drag Race recently, they did a thing where all the drag queens had to act in a Shakespeare play, and the play was called McBitch. Oh, that's the best. Yeah, it's rad. Dude, RuPaul is rad.

Oh, sure. I love RuPaul. I feel like RuPaul was in here to do Bullseye a year or so ago. Really? I feel like I'm still glowing from that. Oh, it's great. Like, three minutes of talking to RuPaul, and all you want is to be his best friend forever. RuPaul has done multiple videos where he drives around with Henry Rollins talking about relationships.

Really? Well, RuPaul was a famous teenage punk rocker in the scene that, the like Georgia scene that birthed the B-52s. What? Yeah, he was like good buddies with the B-52s in like 1982 before he moved to New York. Wow. He was in a band. I saw him. I saw, there's, you can go on YouTube and find video of like a 19-year-old RuPaul fronting

a punk band in Athens, Georgia or whatever in 1983. It's great. Man, I really like, I've watched a couple of RuPaul's Drag Race and I don't like this kind of show typically. But this is a lot of fun and I think it's great because like all reality shows are like – everybody is faking it. Everybody is putting it on because I know this is how you act on a reality show. And it's all like, oh, this is a cartoon of how people act. Right. And I think it like – it's so – it's not unsavory coming from drag Queens.

Cause it's like, that's the thing. That's already what they're doing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like doing a, doing a crazy version of femininity. Yeah.

Yeah. They're doing that. I want to see it. It's, it's a lot. What's it, what's it on? What's RuPaul's.

It's on a logo. Oh yeah. I don't get that. You might get them on demand. No, I have the, try them on demand. I got that 18 to you versus the customer service is great. Those boxes are get that. You might get them on demand. No, I have the – Try them on demand. You got that AT&T U-verse.

The customer service is great. Those boxes are shit though. Man, if I – boy, I'm trying to think about the last awful customer service experience I had. It was probably that time when Southwest lost my bags and my suit was in it. And if at some point someone on the phone would just be like, hey, fuck, man. This is frustrating. I know. They do not have their shit together here.

I would have calmed down so much and, like, I would have been so much easier to deal with if someone just said that to me. What if RuPaul were for Southwest and they just said, sorry, we lost your bags, but you can be friends with RuPaul for a while. Yeah. Yeah, that would drive you around and give you relationship advice. That man is radiant. That dude is radiant. Sure. That dude is radiant. You can tell how he became a famous drag queen in 1989 when America was horrified

of the prospect of a drag queen. Right. Because he is fucking electric. He's an amazing dude. Wait, did he come as RuPaul, as her, or I went RuPaul, or did just as?

Well, RuPaul is his given name, so he goes by RuPaul whether or not he's in drag. I did not know that. He was wearing dude clothes. Character name. He was wearing dude clothes and he looked great. His dude clothes were great too.

Wow. He's a sharp tack, that RuPaul. You're really into RuPaul. I'm super into RuPaul. That's great. The people, we've already said who was shitty. In recent memory, the people who have come in here and blown my mind are RuPaul and Terry Cruz.

Oh, wow. Terry Cruz is also just like, when you're talking to him, you can't even believe he's a real human being because he's like so magnetic and smart and nice and amazing. Did you see, he was saying a lot of stuff when everyone was focused on football players being rapists, right? I believe so. That was just being violent towards women. He said

off the top of his head, it wasn't rehearsed, he said some really poignant awesome things about how you should treat women. And I was like, I'm like, you're the best. I like that guy. And he's funny. And he's funny. And he can do that thing with his pecs where they move.

Dance his boobs. Sure. He can dance his man tits. Yeah. Terry. And he can do that thing with his pecs where they move. Dance his boobs. Sure. He can dance his man tits. Yeah. Terry Crews, that guy's a winner. Nothing but win on that guy. Yeah. Everybody loves Crews. 206-984-4FUN.

That's a pun on his former television program. Yeah, thank you. It didn't work, but thank you. JJGo at MaximumFun.org. I just thought I'd fill people in in case they missed it. Right. No, they should have missed it. Share your momentous occasions with us.

Put it in your phone. [phone]FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio studio. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Street. Jordan Morris. Boy Detective. And I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest.

What a wonderful program it's been, Jordan. It's been a lot of fun. It sounds like, Jordan, if you were just on Chris's podcast, it sounds like that's going to be coming out soon, probably. Yeah. Yeah, tomorrow. Full of hot takes. Monday. Full of hot takes.

Yeah. And cool treats. There. Full of hot takes. Yeah. And cool treats. There you go. Thank you. On Chris's podcast, co-hosted with another past beloved Jordan Jesse Go guest, regular guest, Karen Colgar. They give people rides. Yes. At first, our mission statement was tour from the airport.

But there was enough 6 a.m. flights that needed a 4 a.m studio city pickup where we can't we're tired and no one can be funny or thoughtful or anything that you want on a podcast so now we're just you give people rides to jordan jessica or food for less yeah right yeah or a show it works just as good for it to be a show in places that people need to go yeah and sometimes if it's at a show we can go in record some of the show, throw that in there. Food for Less and drive me to a fucking poor house. Is it really? $4 ice cream.

Is everything there more expensive? Because that's ridiculous. No, everything is cheaper except for these fucking $4 ice cream bars. God, I'm mad at these ice cream bars. You want a bottle of Tapatio there? 70 cents. Yeah. It's going to be very affordable.

70 cents. This is the big jar, too. This ain't the little one. This is the big. You buy your Tapatio in a jar? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You don't need that drip-drop top. Oh, yeah. I just dump it. I buy mine in a Ziploc bag.

Yeah, sure. Down at the park. From a guy named Tapatio. Jordan, can we do a new thing where Sriracha is out and Tapatio is in? Now, I prefer Tapatio. If you're asking me what my hot sauce preference is. I got no beef with Sriracha. I'm just sick of people putting it on tables.

They're just not even the same thing. They're different genres. Sriracha is good. It's great. It's great. I thought- It's one of the reasons it's so popular. I feel like I'm-

Here's the journey I's great. I thought – It's one of the reasons it's so popular. I feel like I'm – here's the journey I'm on. Yeah. I'm trying not to – I'm trying not to complain about something because it's popular if it's good. I think that you can see the merits of something. You can have fun with it. Right. Yeah. But don't be a guy – I don't want to be a negative Nelly who's just like, fuck that just because it's popular.

So I can admit that I like some early Chili Pepper songs. Yeah, go for it. Right? Okay. It's time. Go for it. Once it got popular, I hated them. Do you want to name them?

Under the Bridge. Sure. I mean, no. They're mostly – I like the L.A. Lakers one, the Magic Johnson song. It's really good. It's from Mother's Milk. Yeah. It's a great song.

So here's what I feel we need to rage against. I don't think that sriracha is the enemy. Things that are popular but aren't good? Well, if we're talking about hot sauce, Tabasco. Yeah. That's gross. Don't like it. It's watery.

There's no xanthan gum in it. That's the reason. I didn't know that. I don't know. Yeah, it's better for you. If you have any inflammation in your body, be sure to eat Tabasco. It's just water, vinegar, and spices. No xanthan gum.

No. Xanthium gum, I believe I'm pronouncing it correctly, is even in green Tabasco. Adventium gum. But it provides that gumminess. I like the wateriness. It infuses the food. It enters it as if you had cooked with it. Yeah.

I just don't like places that only have Tabasco. Oh, I'm with you there. If there's not a Tapatio or a Cholula, it's a mistake. So you don't like Chipotle. No. That's all they – they're like sponsored by Tabasco. Oh, huh. Yeah.

That's all I have. So I don't know. I don't think Sriracha is the enemy. I thought – Yes. Is it uncreative that fucking every restaurant has Sriracha-infused tater tots? Yes. Absolutely.

Sure. Are those tater tots? Yes, absolutely. Sure. Are those tater tots great? Fuck yeah, they're great. Yeah. So who would you say is the real enemy? Tabasco. Don't you mean yourself?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And my fractured spirit. What about the people who told us the terrorists blew up the Twin Towers? Oh, yeah. No, certainly they're the enemy. Yes. The MSM. Yeah.

Okay. Which includes MSNBC. You should listen to and enjoy Chris Fairbank's podcast. Do you want a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? A lot of people want it, and that's why they need it. Do you need a ride?

Dynar. Yes. Is how it's popularly known. Dynar. Starring. Starring Starring What's your boy from Mad About You? Paul Reiser

My boy Hey, it's your boy Paul Reiser That's my boy It's your boy young Paul Reiser Holla at Reiser He's also from Diner Sure I just got it I just got it

I just got it I'm sorry Well I mean It was problematic Because I couldn't even Remember his god damn name I got a third of the way Into the joke

And I still couldn't Remember his name I knew I was fucked That's why I had to say Who's your boyfriend That's why I always Go Kevin Bacon on that Yeah

That's number one Number two If you're in the Monterey Bay area Or you're in the Silicon Valley Number two, if you're in the Monterey Bay area or you're in the Silicon Valley area or shit, if you're in

fucking San Francisco, April 24th, Jordan and Jesse go live featuring the High Tones, featuring Jim Ray Al, the master of Would You Rather,

featuring John Vanderslice, indie rock celebrity John Vanderslice, all going down at the Kumbwa Jazz Center. And it's my fucking birthday. That's K-U-U-M-B-W-A.

You got it. There's only one way to spell Kumbwa. Phonetically. We're going to be staying in a mountain home in Felton. Kumbwa, my lord. Oh, I'm sorry. Kumbwa Wamba. Oh, God. Kumbawamba, my lord. Oh, I'm sorry. Kumbawamba. Oh, God.

Kumbawamba. Let's see. Chumbawamba cover band. That's in residence at the Kumbwa Jazz Center. Kumbawamba. Kumbawamba-wamba-wa. Goodbye. God bless.

Yeah, for sure. They play with Damage Inc., the Metallica cover band. And if you're in Brooklyn, New York City, where the paint mural's a biggie, get yourself some tickets to the Bullseye Presents comedy show at BAM during Radio Love Fest. Before they sell out, you've got to see the BAMer. You've got to see the BAMer at BAM. You've got to see the BAMer. I'm hosting, by the way.

It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm going to be there. I'm going to do a fun comedy bit that I thought of. Oh, great. Do you know what it is? Can you tease it? I'm not going to reveal it. No, that to be a lot of fun. I'm going to be there. I'm going to do a fun comedy bit that I thought of. Oh, great. Do you know what it is? Can you tease it? I'm not going to reveal it. Nah, that would be a bad idea. I only got the idea for

three minutes of material, so I'm not going to blow that now. Is it you dancing, but you have poles attached to your shoulders, and down the poles are puppets that mimic your movements? You're thinking of Montreal. I'm thinking of Montreal. They're dressed like the rest of the Jackson brothers.

Yeah, the Jackson 5 or the Village People, sure. Okay, that's it. Our producer is Brian Fernandez, a.k.a. Sonny D, our theme music. Love you by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. If you like our show,

take the time to recommend it to someone. Sure. A friend, a loved one. I think Jordan Jesse Goh is a too well-kept secret, Jordan. Yeah. Tell somebody about it. I know. Don't treat us.

Don't get... Listen, we're not going to sriracha out on you. No. We're not going to become so ubiquitous that we become annoying. Absolutely not. We're like Dinosaur Jr. Sure. We're evergreen.

We will always be cool. Mm-hmm. Everyone likes Dinosaur Jr. There's no one thatgreen. We will always be cool. Mm-hmm. Everyone likes Dinosaur Jr. There's no one that doesn't. Even Henry Rollins likes him now. Yeah, so there you go. Dinosaur Jr.

Jordan, you're Jay Maskis. Sure. I'm one of the other guys from Dinosaur Jr. The guy from Sabado. I'll be him. Oh, great. Lou Barlow.

I want you, but seriously, take a minute and tell a friend about the show. I know that it's weird to say to somebody, it's a show where you just talk to each other, but it's good and it's funny. Just say it's a show where a guy from NPR swears a lot.

Say it's a show with a guy from At Midnight, a show that 12 million people watch every night or whatever. Nope. Not even close. But a lot of people. Sure. It's a successful program. It's a. Sure. It's a successful program. It's a hit show. It's a hit show.

Yeah. Say your favorite comedy guest. Sure. Whatever you need to say to get people to listen to it. That's me. Yeah. Say Chris Fairbanks from Missoula, Montana is on the show. I'm actually born in Monterey.

I wanted to bring that up. You're born in Monterey, California? Yeah, yeah. Are you a whale? I am indeed. Are you John Steinbeck? This isn't just a suicide hole in my head. It's how I breathe.

So you breach. Now granted, I did try and shoot myself through it once. Yes. So it's both a breathing hole and a suicide hole. It just ended up injuring a tiny boy made of wood inside me. Never mind. Here's the. Here's the.

Oh, I keep coughing and I'm not sure why. Oh, but okay. Here's the remark I don't want to hear from you anymore on Twitter, everybody. Okay. I'm laughing at Jordan. I'm laughing at Jordan Jesse Goh and my girlfriend or wife doesn't even know what's going on. How about listen together? Yeah. Get that girlfriend listen together? Yeah.

Get that girlfriend or spouse. Yeah. I don't want any more couples coming up to me at shows where the girlfriend says, oh, wow, Jordan, Jordan, Jesse Thorne from Jordan, Jesse, go. It shakes my hand and says, and this is my boyfriend. And the boyfriend's looking at me like I'm his 10th grade English teacher that he didn't like. It's just sort of a look of blank disappointment.

Sure. Accommodated with blankness and disappointment. I want you to get other people on board for this. I don't want to hear- Friends, loved ones. Let's say you live in Ben Lomond, California. Not far from Santa Cruz. Say, I don't have any friends who are into Jordan Jesse Go. Who's going to go with me to this

Jordan Jesse Go show? I don't know. If you're going to see a band and your friend didn't know about the band, you just say, hey, it's a good band. Let's go see this. And they'd be like, okay. Here's a link to some of their popular songs. It's just going to be fun. So, yeah. Anyway, yeah. I really appreciate it when people say it's like we're professional broadcasters, entertaining, whatever.

Just share it with somebody. Send them a link. Share it with a friend. Send them a link. Yeah. Rocking it up their Zoom hole. People are always asking, what podcast should I listen to? Yeah.

Everyone says that. Say, Serial's finished. Sure. If you want to hear another crime against humanity. Yeah. Jordan, Jesse, go. Yeah. And yeah, to hear another crime against humanity, Jordan, Jesse, go. Yeah.

And yeah, by the end of this thing, we're going to solve the murder. We flirt somewhat inappropriately. Sure. It's not just cereal.

Yeah. At the end, we're going to figure out who killed Chris Fairbanks. Hey. We'll talk to you next time on

Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey! We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.