Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 372: Bravey Cat with John Hodgman

Episode Date: April 13, 2015

John Hodgman returns home to JJGo for a discussion of President Lyndon Baines Johnson, what it might be like to be a teen girl vampire, and Jordan's latest experience doing hot yoga.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day here in Los Angeles. I spent my morning at the beach. Really? Thank you very much. Ten and ten, catching some waves, shooting the curl.

You got it. All of those things. Yeah. Plus some other stuff that I pretty much know only from the film Point Break. I think like, what are we talking about? You threw a dog at Keanu Reeves. I did throw a dog at Keanu Reeves. And I want to say jumped out of an airplane and parachuted into surfing. Is that something they do? They jump out of an airplane and parachuted into surfing? Is that something they do?

They jump out of a plane but not into surfing. Those are two separate extreme outings. Oh. You did put on a Richard Nixon mask and set fire to a gas station. Well, but I mean that's like Thursday for me. Sure. I mean, granted, it's not always Nixon. It's usually Lyndon Johnson.

Lyndon B. Johnson? What does his middle name have to do with it? Yeah, Lyndon Johnson. I feel like Baines is such a cool middle name, you would want to, like, rope it in whenever possible. Yeah, because it reminds people of legendary White Sox designated hitter Harold Baines. Sure, or the man who broke Batman's back. There's a lot of famous Baines. Sure. Or the man who broke Batman's back. There's a lot of famous Baines out there. Do you think, do you think Lyndon B. Johnson, which one of those Baines do you think

Lyndon B. Johnson was named after? What was his namesake? Harold Baines, the 1980s and early 1990s designated hitter for the Chicago White Sox, or Baine, the Batman villain who apparently was created after I stopped reading comic books because he seems to be very famous, but I am unfamiliar with him. I mean, probably both. Yeah. I think, you know, mom was probably a baseball fan. Gotcha. Dad was a DC Comics fan.

Sure. Like, well, we'll never agree on a middle name. Right. You want to name him Nightwing. Right. You want to name him Ozzie Smith. Right. What can we? this is over.

We're going to have to get a divorce. This is tearing our relationship apart. Originally his name was going to be Lyndon Wizard of Oz Johnson. Yes. Yeah. Ain't that always the way. Yeah. But then they found something they could agree on.

Lyndon Baines Johnson. Mm-hmm. And then Lady Bird Johnson. She's just named after a lady bird they saw? Well, no, she's named after the Rodney Dangerfield drag soccer movie. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. But they had to feminize it.

If she was a boy, she was going to be named Lady Bugs. Wait, wasn't the team – okay, so Lady Bird is the female form of Lady Bugs? Yeah, it's a conjugation thing. I took Spanish too in high school, so I know how to conjugate things like this. What would you say is the female form of back to school? Back to escuela. Okay, back to escuela. Back to girl school.

World school. Our guest on this week's program is the host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast right in this very network. I would say co-host, co-host. He's the host. He's one of the stars of the hit television program Married on the FX network. One of the co-stars, co-stars, I would say. He's a contributor to The Daily Show. Co-contributor. Because you play a conehead.

That's right. Maybe if I did, I'd be on the show more. I think a conehead. No longer the resident expert. No longer the deranged millionaire. Now conehead. John, what's that? Oh, we've been sued.

Oh, excuse me. Now conehead. What's that? Oh, we've been sued. Oh, excuse me. Sorry, John. But I wanted to do my famous we come from France bit. It is mine. I think a cone contributor. Simultaneous discovery just like the calculus and the Leibniz and Newton with the calculus. Exactly. I came upon it originally of my own way.

It's not plagiarism. Cone contributors, I think, are people who go on The Daily Show when they're doing a segment about how the eye works. Oh. How we see. Sure. There's also rod tributors. Well, rod tributors are just contributors who have big old schlongs. Yeah.

Well, that's purely coincidental. Sure. It's purely coincidental. Rod tributor is a great name for a character in something. And then I was thinking about, I hate to admit that I was eavesdropping on you fellas as you were doing your little intro. But when you were talking about Lady Bird Johnson, I was like, what do you think was the first draft on that name? She-Bird? Well, we can name her She-Bird.

Come up with something else. Hell. Lyndon Johnson is a great person. What about the Fly Administration? I like Lyndon Johnson for a variety of reasons. Let's go. Yeah. Number one.

Top three. Famously big dick, not afraid to wave it around. Sure. Big part of his personality, apparently, was showing his big dick to people. Yeah. And he was so successful in the Senate because he knew how to twist those dicks and get the legislation passed. Sure. Do you think, you know, because of the internet generation, because of, you know, Snapchat and sexting and stuff. We will get to a point.

What are those old things? Oh, sorry. Because of Periscope. Thank you. And because of. Meerkats. Meerkatting. I'm over Vine, but I guess you could throw it in there.

Vine? What? Oh, geez. Grandpa. It's actually. Who are you? Steve Agee? It was a popular method in the year 2014 to deliver small bursts of yelling.

Climb into the grave, Steve Agee. It's our turn now. Kids these days with their periscopes, their meerkats. By the way, I wish Steve Agee a long life. Go ahead now. Their fondues. Oh, have you guys downloaded fondue yet? No.

Is that an app? No. It is. Maybe you'll get to it. I have a calculator. Mmm. Now what does that do? What are the social functions of that? Honestly, I don't know how it works.

I open it and I do not know how to work the damn thing. There's a bunch of numbers. I know that. No, you'll figure it out. Thank you. You'll figure out how to put a picture of your dick on it. I feel like you were starting an equal sign closed bracket. I feel like you were starting an equal sign closed bracket. I feel like you were starting a sentence

What with the internet generation? What with the internet, Periscope, Meerkat, whatever's next. We will get to a point where we have a president who is comfortable showing his dick again just because you know, it's becoming more de rigueur.

Show your dick. De rigueur. They're talking about, of course, Lyndon Johnson was famous for talking to reporters while sitting on the can with the door open. And I have heard that Obama has been meerkatting his shits. Oh. So. Disrespectful to the presidency. Well, not to the man. Disrespectful. So disrespectful to the presidency. Well, not to the man, but to the office. I do not respect the man, but I respect the office.

Disrespectful to our commander in chief. It's a handsome office. Downton Abbey theme. By the way, the office I respect is that one congressman who got kicked out of Congress. For his Downton Abbey office. For having a Downton Abbey office. How do you feel about that man, though? Well, I got mad respect for Congress. For his Downton Abbey office. For having a Downton Abbey office. How do you feel about that man, though? Well, I got mad respect for him.

Okay. More respect is game. Game recognized game in the Bay. I also feel calling the toilet the can is disrespectful to fine ceramics. Sure. That's another good point. A lot of good points here.

No one's sitting on a can. You say thrown. Those days are past. Yeah. Lyndon Johnson also recorded everything. Although I believe Lyndon Johnson may have pooped into a a can. You say thrown. Those days are past. Yeah. Lyndon Johnson also recorded everything. Although I believe that Lyndon Johnson may have pooped

into a tin can. That's true. During those series. I'm not going to use that fancy White House turtle lavatory. Lavatory.

I'm going to poop how my daddy pooped. I have an old can of Folgers coffee. I have an old Fresca can that I'm going to poop into. Lyndon Johnson the man whose big deck

is responsible for the civil rights revolution. That was your number one top Lyndon Johnson thing and we requested three. I've got one. I got pooping with the door open I got big dick and I got recorded everything.

So there is a telephone call. I don't know. Have you heard this telephone call? No. Okay. There's a telephone call. Him doing prank jokes. I think you're thinking of the Jerky Boys, Jesse.

It's Lyndon Johnson calling, I think I'm going to say, the Haband Company. The Hagar Company it might be. Hagar Menswear? Yeah. A menswear company famous for its polyester. And it's outfitting all of the great 70s game show hosts? Exactly. Right.

And he's ordering pants. And he says he needs more room in the crotch because he finds that the present pants are perfect except they cut up on his bunghole. Is that the term he uses? He says they cut up on his bunghole. Is that the term he uses? He says they cut up on his bunghole. Oh, my goodness. And then he says, hell, it's like riding a razor wire fence. It's interesting that they were using bunghole back then. Although I guess bunghole is a barrel maker's term.

That's a Cooper's term. A Cooper's term. The bung is the hole in the barrel that you use to drain it. as a barrel maker. That's a Cooper's term. A Cooper's term. The bung is the hole in the barrel that he used to drain it. I guess they used more barrels back then, so maybe they were more likely to use bunghole. It strikes me as something very modern.

Maybe he was keeping his pants on a barrel. Sure. Oh, yeah. Like, you know how you keep shoes on a shoe tree? You have a pants barrel. Yeah, a pants barrel, a shoe tree. Slacks barrel.

Yeah. They definitely were more likely to roll out the barrel at the time. Like if they were going to have a barrel of fun. Sure. Yeah. So it seems possible. He also says that he gains or loses four or six inches in his waist in a given month. So he needs them to be adjustable.

Four or six inches up or down at any time? Exactly. This guy's living the high life. Well, that's what happens when you're going between state dinners. Body of a Bigfoot, metabolism of a bumblebee. Popping greenies and having state dinners. Sometimes he doesn't eat for weeks on end, and then

other times he eats nothing but pheasant. Can I tell you something that a lot of people know about LBJ? That's Lyndon Baines Johnson that maybe you know or maybe you don't know. Favorite soft drink was Fresca. Oh, that is a good drink. And he had a special button installed in his office to call for Fresca when he needed it. He could push the Fresca button. When my grandfather died, there was almost a round of applause at his funeral when his former co-worker

from the Fox Theater Company mentioned that when my grandfather became a vice president, he insisted that a special refrigerator be installed in his office exclusively for Coca-Colas. Sure. Exclusively. Exclusively for Coca-Colas. My grandfather always had Coca-Cola's in the fridge. Great part about visiting my grandparents, you could have a Coca-Cola. Oh, yeah. But he, yeah. And that was the most distinctive thing that anyone said about my grandfather in the course

of the hour of funeral. He led a rich life. One of the reasons that the LBJ story about Fresca resonates so deeply and emotionally for me is that at one point in my growing up, I had a Fresca as a child. And my maternal grandfather, Pop-Pop, was within earshot. And then years later, I and my very good oldest friend, Damon Graff, in high school, we took the train to Philadelphia and the bus to Ocean City, New Jersey, where my pop-pop and Nan-Nan had their summer cottage on the beach. Solid grandma and grandpa names. I know. Time-tested.

By the time I was in high school, it was Nan and Pop. I wasn't doing the infantile repetition. That's weird because when I was a kid, I called my grandparents Pop-Pop and Nan-Nan. And then by the time it was in high school, it was Pop-Pop-Pop-Pop and Nan-Nan-Nan-Nan. Manamanop? Yeah. That's what I call them too. All right.

I'm going to put a pin in that for one second. I'm just going to say that my grand – so my maternal grandparents lived in northeast Philadelphia, Mayfair, and they vacationed along with a lot of other working class families from Philadelphia in Ocean City, New Jersey, a great dry town on the New Jersey shore in a little second floor apartment a few blocks from the beach. And Damon Graff and I went to go stay there with him in our big independence tour of the summer after freshman year of high school where we took the overnight train, which was terrifying. And then the daytime bus, which was doubly terrifying because a daytime bus always trumps overnight train for terrifying. Yeah. Never mind nighttime bus. That would never happen. Sorry. Quick pin in this.

Was there a lot of self-discovery? Yeah, there was. OK. There was actually on that trip a dramatic amount of self-discovery. Can I put a pin in this and ask, is self-discovery a euphemism for masturbation? Or mutual masturbation? that's how that's how i understood it okay great oh okay i guess i was leaning toward you know like is my you know is my parents idea of god something i want to carry over into my adult life no or you know

do i want my dad's life kind of thing no no you're just jerking it no well i mean but there's there's elements like how would it feel if I went backhand? Oh, sure. You know what I mean? Like if I turn my hand around the opposite direction or use my non-dominant hand. Like they do in Australia. Yeah. Yeah, right.

Exactly. Well, the whole southern hemisphere. Oh, this is what I want to say. So, yeah, Pop-Pop, Nan-Nan. Well into my adult life, I had a great-grandmother who died at the age of I think about 105. And this is my Pop-Pop's mother who lived next door to them in Philadelphia. And she was also – to her grandchildren, she was Nan. You called her She-Hulk.

No, no. Big Nan. Big Nan. Oh, OK. Yeah. Cool. She had jars of rainwater in her house by the time she died that she had collected. In any case, we show up at this thing and now I'm – whatever I am, 13 years old, 14, summer after freshman year of high school.

And we show up and I open the refrigerator or my grandfather opens the refrigerator and there are like five two-liter bottles of Fresca in there. And he said, you said you liked this that one time. And I was so touched and weirded out at the same time by that. I'm like, oh, you're really listening hard. Well, let's connect. So we sat down and we just pounded Fresca all afternoon.

Sure. Yeah, knocked it back. Oh man, you have not, you know what? You learn a lot when you get to sit down with your elder and just drink a lot of Fresca. Yeah. Did you have any other true loves other than grandma? You know, what did you want to be when you were young? Oh, I should have asked him those questions.

Oh, you just asked him Fresca-related questions? Where did you first hear about Fresca? What is this supposed to taste like? Did you know LBJ liked Fresca? Right. Yeah, you know, that's right. Should we have this over ice or? Yeah.

Or shall we just keep pounding it warm? Yeah. Is it legal to drink anything else besides Fresca in a dry vacation town? Yeah, that's true. You know, that was a, Damon Graff and I walked that boardwalk up and down many a night. Looking for lewds. It was the 70s, ladies gentlemen everyone was doing them going to arcades and yeah and pretending not to look at girls and then as we were walking back at the time we're both shy dudes at the time there was a real stigma attached to

heterosexuality sure well in in, in my heart, there was. I was beginning to come out to myself as a heterosexual, basically. It must have been tough. As opposed to a 35-year-old sexless bachelor, which is how I imagined myself until that day. And I'm like, maybe I like girls. Oh, fudge. He's going to ruin everything. And Damon was always very handsome and had no problem flirting with girls.

fudge. This is going to ruin everything. And Damon was always very handsome and had no problem flirting with girls. And we were walking back to my grandparents' house and there are these girls playing beach volleyball at night down by the beach. And we just sort of stopped and sort of regarded them for a moment. And they said, you should come down and play volleyball with us. and they said, you should come down and play volleyball with us. And I said, no, thank you. And then we walked back home, and I watched St. Elsewhere that night, I think on television. Hodgman. Yeah, and then we went to go see a movie.

I think it was Who Framed Roger Rabbit. And there was a girl in line, and she turned around. She said, I saw you guys on the water slide today. I'm like, yeah, that tracks. We were there. You're not lying. And she said, yeah, I worked there. I'm like, okay. She said, what movie are you seeing? I'm seeing Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Oh, we're going to see this movie. You want to come and see this one? No, thank you. Really interesting seeing Who Framed Roger. You could have had so much 13-year-old vacation time by the seashore second base.

It was – yeah. I mean, you know, I don't know what. I just was very shy. No, that was me. That was absolutely me at high school age was like if a girl tried to do something, I would kind of retreat into some sort of roly-poly-like husk. What game are you playing? Look at me. Yeah.

I'm a weird dude with long hair who likes Doctor Who. There's no way you're talking to me. And there's AIDS out there. This is how someone catches AIDS. I don't think that that was an issue for us at that point. That had not filtered into our consciousness. I mean it was an issue in life but it had not yet become the big deal. I wish I could blame it on AIDS.

Oh, yeah. That's why I didn't have a lot of sex in high school. Too afraid of AIDS. Yeah. But I think it had more to – I got to try to get the high score on Tempest. Well, that's a concern too. This will lead to more sex in the future. But it was so –

You were turning down some initial sex so that you can have that Tempest high score avalanche later on in life. I mean you're not talking about Golden Axe type pussy. No, no, no. But it's sort of one of those things where you think back through the veil of years and you think, oh, yeah. Well, I was not concerned at all about taking Amtrak pre-Acella, let me tell you. The slow train. Right. The great dirty corridor that connects America.

I was not at all concerned or afraid about taking the Amtrak overnight to Philadelphia and then getting out at 30th Street Station and finding my way to a bus stop in downtown Philadelphia in the early 80s when it was a very different world. Like none of it fazed me at all. But the moment one of those girls said anything to me, I was like, no, thank you. I have a similar story from my own childhood. Once in walking to school, I started taking the bus to school when I was maybe seven or so.

And like the bus bus, not the school bus. There was no school bus. And I could take the 14 mission or the 49 Van Ness mission. The 49 Van Ness mission. That was the premium bus because it took a turn right on Ocean Avenue where my school was and went the extra five or six blocks down to my school. But if the 14 came first, sometimes I'd just take the 14 and walk that last four blocks in the hopes that maybe a 49 would go past. And I'd just jump on it because I had a bus pass.

It's free to me. Seven-year-old computer. Computer. Seven-year-old commuter woes. Yeah. Seven-year-old commuter woes. Yeah. And one day I get off the 14 mission and I turn right onto Ocean Avenue and I notice there's a 49 coming right behind my 14.

Oh, boy. And so I run to the next bus stop to catch it. Now, as the 49's passing by, here comes a fire truck. Oh, boy. Fire truck cuts off the 49. 49 decides to skip my stop, and I am crushed. I am crushed because now I'm going to have to walk the rest of the way to school. The best laid plans.

Guy on top of the fire truck notices what happened. He sees. Because they, like, pulled over. Was he a fireman or just some dude fire truck surfing? Yeah, no, it was like a. It was some sort of teen wolf. Yeah, he was a rad dude. Yeah.

He tipped his shades at me and said... No, guy on top, he saw... Hey, little bro. He saw that like an eight or nine-year-old had been prevented from getting on the bus. And I think he assumed that I had to go further than the four blocks I had to go. And he said, sorry, did we just make you miss your bus? And I said, yes. And he said, well, get on. We'll give you a ride down the street.

And I said, no, that's okay. Oh, you could have ridden a fire truck. I could have ridden a fire truck. Would that have been... Why did you choose not... I'm sorry, go ahead. I was going to say, you would have been just hot shit

throughout elementary school. You're the guy who showed up on the fire truck that one time. I know. I have no idea why. I turned it down out of a kind of, like, politeness. Sure.

Yeah, I was wondering, like... It wasn't out of fear of firefighters. No, I didn. Yeah, I was wondering like it wasn't out of fear of firefighters. No, I didn't feel like I was going to get kidnapped by the firefighters and turned into a Dalmatian. That's how they get those Dalmatians. Yeah, they're all wayward children. Yeah, that was quite the mistake. The firefighters run an island off the coast. Right, naughty children.

Pleasure Island, it's called. They're made to smoke cigars until they turn into Dalmatians. Exactly so. By the time I was a teenager, I was basically armpit deep in tongue kissing. So I can't relate to the rest of the stories you guys told. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I am such a late bloomer that I will eventually bloom. Yes.

But the only bad news is when you bloom, it's going to smell like feces. It's one of those hundred year blooms. Those are gross. Oh, the corpse flower? Yeah, you got it. There's a corpse flower at the Botanical Gardens of Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts. It's one of my many part-time hometowns. But I've never been there to smell the death smell.

I would like to smell one of those hundred-year flowers sometime. I think it would be kind of fun. Yeah. Why don't you just smell a corpse? I remember once when I was a professional literary agent and working hard at not doing my job and it was before we had the internet really in the office. So I just had to read all the weird catalogs that came in the mail. Uh-huh. Sure.

For some reason, a law enforcement supply catalog was sent to our office on West 26th Street in Manhattan, New York City. You're talking about like when you just needed to have some goof-off time. Yeah. OK. You would read a catalog. Which is to say 100 percent of the time. Between the hours of 9 and 5. Yeah.

Right. The law enforcement supply catalog had all kinds of good batons and police nunchucks and that sort of thing. But they also had a product called Sniff-A-Corpse. This is for training police dogs to find corpses. And it came in two varieties, fresh and decomposed. And, you know, talking about great life regrets. I'm sorry I didn't play volleyball with those girls. I'm sorry I didn't buy at least one can each of fresh and decomposed Sniff-A-Corpse.

Mix them together. It really freaked those dogs out. I'd want those police nunchucks because you know what I'd be doing if I got those. Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup. Talking about nunchucks tricks? You got it. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

Police style. Yeah. Law enforcement. Create some fresh corpses. L-E-O. Anyway, hello. Hi, John. Hi, John.

John Hodgman is here, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, one, we have fantastic weekly guests like Aisha Tyler, French Stewart, Greta, and more. Behind door number two, we have road trip and sleepover games like Would You Rather and Never Have I Ever, the kind of games that remind you of being a kid. Door number three brings you fresh hot episodes every Wednesday. You can find them on iTunes and MaximumFun.org.

Now pick a door. Just kidding. They're not real because we're a podcast. You can find them on iTunes and MaximumFun.org. Now pick a door. Just kidding. They're not real because we're a podcast. You're all winners. And we didn't really think this through. Lady to lady. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris. Boy detective. I'm John Hodgman, the co-host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast and contributor to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Can I say something real quick about the great city of Santa Cruz, California?

I'd love to hear it. And associated cities, villages, and townships. We're going to be there. April 24th, celebrating my 34th birthday, the 50th birthday of, what's that college that we went to called? UC Santa Cruz. UC Santa Cruz. Yeah. The 50th birthday?

The 50th birthday of UC Santa Cruz. Is that true? 50 years. I didn't realize it was such a young college. Yeah, not a time-honored institution. Oh, my goodness. No, it's called 50 years. They have a theme every year for like alumni weekend.

Right. It's 50 years of pretty good. Is that so every year for like alumni weekend. It's 50 Years of Pretty Good. Is that so? Yeah, I think so. Good for them. That's going to be what it is. 50 Years of – Chilling out.

Better than a couple UCs. Worse than most. Good for a public school. Filling out the middle. Yeah. UC Santa Cruz. Cheaper in-state middle. Yeah. Cheaper. UC Santa Cruz. Cheaper in-state tuition. Yeah.

50 years of UC Santa Cruz. 35 years of alternative Mecca. 15 years of, well, good at marine biology. Dot, dot, dot. UC Santa Cruz. 50 years of time elapsed. Exactly. 50 years of existence.

It has existed. It has not been destroyed or burned down or sucked into some sort of model universe. I didn't realize. I mean, it's known as a youthful university, attracting many youthful youths. known as a youthful university, attracting many youthful youths. Well, you know, many of the people that go to UC Santa Cruz are actually in their late teens and early 20s. Is that so? Yeah. That's one of the contributing factors.

I don't know if you know this. When we met, that was actually my second time around. I was getting my second degree. I had been there years earlier as a baby. Oh, I had no idea. You went to the UC Santa Cruz baby program? Yeah, I got my degree in being colicky.

Is that a bachelor's or an associate's degree? It's a master's of fine arts. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah. But now the college is... I did it because I wanted to teach. I want to finish plugging our show. But you know what they say, publish or perish, right? I was trying to get us back to it. Okay, thank you, John. John, go ahead. What are we talking about? Get us back to plugging your show. What are you doing, publish or perish, right? I'm going to tell you what's happening in our show. Okay, thank you, John.

John, go ahead. What are we talking about? Get us back to plugging the show. What are you doing, a show there or something? What are you doing, a show? Hi, professional broadcaster John Hodgman here. What are you, doing a show there or something? Sounds like you're leading up to announcing a show. April 24th.

Here's what we got on the docket so far, Jordan. Number one, we have a mandate. Everyone within driving distance is required to go or else they end up on my shit list. So not just Santa Cruzians. We're talking Felton, Ben Loman, Scotts Valley. We're talking about Monterey. We're talking about Mountain View. Not leaving you out, Aptos. Absolutely not. How could we? We're staying in Aptos. And Santa Cruz sister city, Managua, Nicaragua. You got it. Thanks for the bridge. Now get your ass to our show.

That's the top... I'm assuming the bridge with the plaque somewhere. That's some of the top cities that are required to come. But why should you come? I'll tell you. We got a great lineup. We got Jordan Jesse Goh. We're going to be featuring Jim Ray Al, the master of Would You Rather. Indie rock legend John Vanderslice. John Vanderslice.

The great John Vanderslice. Now, will he be playing music or just fucking around? Well, he will be doing both. Fucking around. Live sex show from John Vanderslice. No music. If you want music, please be aware. Just sign a waiver.

You may be hit with a ping pong ball. This is just a live intercourse set from John Fender's place. Well, and some ping pong ball firing. This is not a family podcast. No, no, no. Past Jordan Jesse Goh guest, beloved San Francisco stand-up comic poet, and now novelist, Bucky Sinister. He's got a new novel coming out in a few months. Great guy.

One of the funniest. One of the funniest guys. And one of the guys who most looks like Walter from The Big Lebowski. We've got, and this is the pièce de résistance. I'm very proud of this. The UCSC high tones will be there. That's UCSC's all-female a cappella group. H-I-G-H tones.

I hope they get high before they do it, right? One can only assume. Why else would you do that? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum smoked. You know, if we were true improv acapellists, we could have gone on with that for a long time. But as it is, we're just amateurs. I thought that was pretty good. I thought that was pretty good.

Lots of sticky nugs like Liberace. Liberace has sticky nugs, by the way. Oh, yeah. Anyway, go to MaximumFun.org to find all the information. April 24th. Buy your tickets now before it sells out.

It's a benefit for KZSC Radio. And if you live in Santa Cruz, we're going to do an air check on KZSC Radio. I don't know when that's going to be. Tune in. Maybe we'll record it and make it a bonus episode. An air check means you just go into the station and make sure it's working? Yeah, exactly. You go in there

and make sure... You just play the flood alarm. Womp. Womp. Womp. You make sure there's oxygen. There's sufficient oxygen so they don't pass out.

Sure. So nobody passes out or gets the bends. You can appreciate my misunderstanding. You have to have the right mix so no one gets the bends. You can die of that, you know. Yeah.

It's true. Air bubbles to the brain. Saw that in Jaws 2. Yeah, sure. Good Jaws. Good Jaws. I watched Jaws also at my grandparents' house in Ocean City. That's appropriate.

Maybe watched an episode of In Search Of. Might have been on there. Sure. And then I didn't want to sleep in the same room as Damon anymore. He had twin beds, separate twin beds. So I went out to sleep on the porch and I got scared. Were there girls out there? Just girls walking up and down the street.

We want to touch your penis. Run away. I haven't invited you in. You can't you in. You can't come in. It's vampires. You have no power here. You've confused girls and vampires once again.

You're out on the porch. We can do as we please. No. We are teenage girl vampires. The porch is the middle ground between the worlds. We want to suck your blood once we are done chewing this gum. Sweet teenage girls like to... Hold my gum while I kiss you. Join us and we will make magazine collage.

Ah, because I am boy crazy. Ah! I will bring you to the other side. Hold my retainer. Now watch as we lip sync into this hairbrush. My vampire's a little different. There were a lot of middle European girls in Ocean City. Oh, okay.

There you go. We are having a slumber party tomorrow at noon. It's BYOC. Bring your old coffin. I did the high one on that one. Cool. I like the high one. It's fun.

Yeah. It's more fun to talk in a high voice. I guess. You know, Tiny Tim was on to something. That guy had a lot of fun. I don't know why this isn't catching on. I seem to be the only one doing this. Maybe I should put on a bigger coat.

Do I need a better ukulele? Maybe my hair isn't greasy enough. Perhaps I should be more terrifying. Isn't it amazing that I live in an era where I can be on television all the time? I can't have one of two shows at any given moment. The other one being Steve Allen complaining about rock and roll lyrics. I have to call Johnny Carson. They've offered me the prices right.

America wants to see me every day. That's the kind of fun we have here on Jordan and Jessica. This whole show has been 1965 themed. Except for a brief dalliance in 1988. Just like UC Santa Cruz, I'm having a midlife crisis. It's time for me to dwell upon my past and pretend the future doesn't matter. I couldn't help but notice that your rental car was a cool Camaro. Yeah.

I said, please bump me up to something cool just in case. Can I get the Camaro, the coolest car? I'm looking for something in a pussy wagon or a pussy crusher. I don't know what you have. Something that chicks are really into. I'm part of the Emerald Club, so maybe. No, it's fine. Can I get something that has one of those rear view video cameras? Heated seats.

Yeah. My parallel parking's a little rusty. Built-in DVD player. Yeah. how's it going for you pal uh well oh can i just say one thing before we get into that did we actually say we were doing a show or did we just do a bit we were doing a show all right let's recap the show okay uc santa cruz april 24th at the kumbwa jazz center in santa cruz california j Jordan and Jesse go live featuring the UCSC High Tones, John Vanderslice, the great Bucky Sinister, and more fun. All live on stage for your enjoyment

no matter where in the Bay Area you live. Get a hotel room, make a weekend of it. Come down from Silicon Valley. It's only one mountain away. Where can I get tickets? Just go to MaximumFun.org and click on the show in the right-hand sidebar under Events. You'll find your ticket link there. Okay.

Tickets on sale now, but not for long. They could sell out. Okay. By the way, I have kicked off my flip-flops. Okay. This might have been the first time I've ever done this show in flip-flops. Sure. I didn't care for it, so I'm going barefoot, and I'm really feeling the pulse of the earth.

I noticed the energy change in here. I didn't notice you taking off your flip-flops, but I did notice things got a little lighter, a little more carefree. But also more grounded. Sure. In a funny way. And more connected to the earth. Yeah, exactly. And more connected to the earth.

Yeah, exactly. I feel like the electricity that is in a ball at the center of the earth is coursing through my body, making me lighter and more carefree. Igneous. Sedimentary. Sure. These are types of rock. Yeah, exactly. I feel I've made my point. I don't like it at all.

Can I put your flip-flops over my dress shoes? Green juice. Jordan, what's going on with you, pal? Let's all take a cough break for once. Yeah, let's all cough. That was my cough. Guys, this isn't an orgasm break. Oh, well.

Sorry. I thought it was a self-discovery break. We were all discovering ourselves. I just learned I didn't want my dad's life. Jordan, you're wearing a fun summer shirt. Sorry. I thought it was a self-discovery break. We were all discovering ourselves. So Jordan. I just learned I didn't want my dad's life. Jordan, you're wearing a fun summer shirt. Sure. I'm just going to break it down real quick.

You came in here wearing a fun summer shirt and some canvas sneaks. It looks like you've been having a great time. What's going on with you? Well, I haven't been wearing this all day. I was wearing my yoga outfit. Which is a tuxedo. Then you accidentally discovered upon yourself. Yeah.

I've started yoga back up again. I started a couple years ago. I was wondering why yoga was shut down all over the country. Yeah, yeah. Because I just had no more of it. Jordan got tired of turning the crank. We had a bad breakup. And now we've learned to be friends.

Right. I've kind of gotten back into it after stopping. I feel like I have a bad track record with self-care stuff. I'll do it, I'll feel better, and I'll go like, enough of this. I'm feeling great. I'm cured. Yeah. Well, time to sit in a dark room and play video games for three days because I feel great.

God, get yourself some gamer equipment. That last time where Dog made me immortal and I'm never going to change. Yeah, right? Yeah, now time to just get some greasy protein balls, dump them in my mouth. That's what gamer grub was, right? I think something like that, yeah. Anyway, greasy protein balls. I think the key element of the product was that it came in a tube, so you didn't have to use two hands to eat it.

Oh, right. It was food you could dump into your mouth. There was a thing a couple years back called Gamer Grub, and it was these kind of little nuggets. Did we get that for free from your job at Fuel or something? Why do I know about Gamer Grub? I don't know. We must have gotten a case of it. We must have gotten a case of it for free.

I think that must have been what it was. Anyway, I think we definitely got it at Fuel though. Anyway. I don't want to take you on a Gamer Grub tangent, but I'm fascinated and disgusted by this subject. Would you like to know more? Just a little bit. OK. Yeah.

I don't have too much more information. I don't remember too much. What kind of protein was it? Vegetable protein? You know, it might have just been chips. Oh, okay. You know what I think I was doing? I was conflating gamer grub and that weird nerd slurry that nerds like to drink because they think food is too inefficient.

What's that? That's called Soylent. Soylent. Oh. These are different things. Gamer grub is more of a snack. Okay. I'm with nerds, though.

Who wants to eat food when you cannot eat food? Why not shove some nutrient paste in through a self-made trachea? Sure. I think at the end of the day, America's top problem is probably that they hate

eating food. They don't like the experience of eating food, but they need the calories. Since I started drinking Nerd Slurry, do you know what my erotic Pokemon fan art output has done? It's shot through the roof. It's doubled? You would-

Tripled? I mean, quadrupled, Josh. Wow. That's how much erotic Pokemon fan art I'm doing. Nerd Slurry, I choose you. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

So anyway- Anyways, and- So you came out of your hole. You started yoga. I choose you. All right. So anyway. So you came out of your hole. You started yoga. I was doing yoga. I've been feeling pretty good about it. How frequent are we talking about? Once or twice a week. Great.

Not enough. Yeah. Some will say not enough. By the way, do I seem more radiant to you guys? You do. Your skin is glowing. More radiant than what? Not more radiant than me.

I'm not wearing shoes. No. I would not propose to be more radiant than you. Just more radiant than your average. No one is more connected to the earth spirit than you. That's true. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Shale. Namaste. So I was thinking I was hot shit. So I'm like, why don't I try this hot yoga everybody's always talking about? Bikram. Didn't he go to jail? John Bikram?

No, it's named for a dude. Is it? Yeah, and his name's Bikram, and I think he's very controversial. Legal probs. Was for getting people too jacked? Yeah. Yeah, I think that was the problem. Earth citizens are becoming too jacked.

He was helping civilization too much. Sure, yeah. So the Illuminati shut him down. I'm glad you clarified that it was Bikram hot yoga. Yeah. I don't know if it was Bikram hot yoga. Hot yoga was on the sign. I go to Poindexter hot, hot, hot yoga.

Sure. It would be funny if Buster Poindexter had a hot yoga place but just called it Bikram, Bikram, Bikram. Like it didn't say hot. He's like, people are expecting this to be hot, hot, hot yoga. I'm going to throw him a curveball. A little bit of New York dolls in there. Buster Poindexter has never done anything on the nose. Yeah.

He always goes a little bit to the left. Peace to Buster Poindexter. I love you, Buster. Sure. New York dolls can suck it, though. Okay. What were we talking about? you, Buster. Sure. New York dolls can suck it, though. Okay. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Hot yoga. You went into hot yoga. I'm like, I'm hot shit. I'm going to try this

hot yoga. Right. So I went to the hot yoga place and it is... You need the yoga to match the temperature of the shit in your body. Exactly, yes. Because your humors were imbalanced. Like right now, I'm like, I'm walking around. Yeah, I was building up

too much black bile and it was making me murderous. Right, right. It was making me murderous and causing me murderous. I have that problem with certain lumps on my head. Yeah, right.

All right. Well, that's just because you have a natural deception ridge on your skull. Yeah. So let's not blame the humors for what is your natural ridge. Instead, let's credit me

for not deceiving you about my murderous deeds. Sure. Have you guys come – I want to give you coupons before we go to my new hot phrenology studio. I'll be there. I read the shape of your skulls, but it's super hot. Right. It's just real hot in there. Yeah.

It's 110 degrees. Yeah. So the yoga place – And we're nude. I'll make it all the hotter. The yoga place I go to is very touchy-feely. All the classes are taught by like kind of, you know, middle-aged, silver fox, gay fellas. Right.

Or like earth mother types. There was a literal pregnant woman teaching one of the classes the other day. Everyone is very sweet, positive. You know, they start out class with a, you know, with a fun story from their lives. I think the last one I heard was this this guy talking about coming out to his Catholic mother and how she eventually accepted him and everyone awed. And, you know, it's just it's. Wait a minute. Yeah. Is starting out yoga like with a little moth story? Yeah, exactly.

Oh, thanks. This is a combination story slam slash yoga class. John, you didn't know that all high end businesses in Los Angeles start with a performer who also happens to be a retail employee of the business telling you a story. It's the same at the Arclight Theater. Oh, no. To hear about the first time they talked to their grandpa who had Alzheimer's. It kind of bumped me out to see Fast and Furious.

Is the material they're presenting finished or are they still workshopping? Oh, no, no. And I mean it's like stand-up but not funny. It's like what if, you know, there's some joke inflections right but not a lot of actual jokes all right the most important thing no notes no no right they haven't prepared for this if they talk too fast if they talk too long a violin plays yeah exactly um hot yoga fucking different ball game really it is so it's in a dark, hot room. It's dark, too?

Yeah, it's dark. It's, yeah, like going into one of those walkthrough haunted houses. I would say that that was the lighting scheme. Or maybe recording a podcast at Maximum Fun Headquarters. Yes, exactly. Hot, dark room. Either Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights or Maximum Podcast. Oh, I hate that.

I hate that haunted house at Universal Studios, but go on. I love the haunted house at Universal Studios. What do you not like about it? Too cool? Too spooky? Too fun? It's terrifying. Yeah.

And? Too faithful to the films that it represents? No, it's, you know, I walk into Universal Studios. Sure. I'm paying a premium for the world's best theme park. John. Or at least third best. Go off on one of your signature rants. I don't.

And I see Universal Studios House of Haunted Horrors or whatever it's called. And I know Universal has an incredible long history with classic horror movies. Your Frankenstein's Monsters. Oh, my God. Your Mummies. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest, Dana Gould. Your Draculas. You know what I mean? guest, Dana Gould. You're Draculas. You know what I mean?

You're teenage Ocean City, New Jersey Draculas. You got me back when you pronounced Dracula as Dracula. I'm back with you. I like to lose them and bring them back. featuring beautiful animatronic scenes from these movies that will be spooky and wonderful and beautifully imagineered, to borrow a phrase, from a competing theme park. I do not expect to walk into a carny hall where teenagers wear dumb masks and yell at me as I walk through with my children. Baa! You know what's scary?

Ah! It's scary. It was terrifying. But also it's accompanied by the music of Rob Zombie. Is that so? Sometimes. Well, I take it back. I like –

I mean it's a very rudimentary – Yes, sure. It reminds me of when Action Park in New Jersey was going. I guess it started up again, but it was legendary. Action Park was a water park in New Jersey was going – I guess it started up again but it was legendary. Action Park was a water park in New Jersey. It was legendary for causing people to hurt themselves terribly. Oh, wow. And I remember going there in the 90s and seeing more open wounds than I've ever seen in my life.

Oh, Jesus. Just people riding the teacups? Yeah. No, no, no. It was like water slides. Oh, wow. People would just go down these water slides and just get torn up by these water slides. And then you would walk up to every

attraction. There was like a 17-year-old boy or girl there wearing a t-shirt that said, not a lifeguard. And they would ask everybody before they got into the water chute, like say you were going to get into a black PVC pipe

that was going to shoot you at high speed until you went 10 feet over a pool of freezing water and got an enema from it. And urine. Yeah, right. And they would say, before you got into the tube, are you an expert swimmer? And you would say yes. And they'd go, okay.

Legally binding. And then one of the attractions was the thrill jump or something. And it was just a cliff. And you just jump into a pool? You jump off into a pool. It's a really high ledge. A high ledge.

Yeah. And that was the experience. Experience the terror of a ledge. That's how I felt about it. Okay. You feel like it was cheap scares and not a lot of- It was definitely terrifying. Sure.

I'm interested to learn that you thought that the Universal Studios House of Horrors was going to be themed completely on films from the 1930s and 40s. You're like, God damn it. And none of these roller coasters are His Girl Friday themed either. Given Universal's own self-branding with those franchises it surprised me Universal Studios if you do walk around it you do see a lot of like the golden age of cinema type things I don't know if the

Latino teens who are just here to make out care about three days of the condor no one is more concerned about keeping the legacy of the creature of the black lagoon alive in Universal Studios. But they were mainly focused on Chucky. Yeah.

They have different movies every year. Oh, is that true? Yeah, yeah. They rotate them out. It's always kind of fun to see which ones they pick. Well, maybe I misunderstood it. Last year there was a very good Alien vs. Predator. But let me tell you something.

That House of Horrors, that walkthrough is actually a terrible place to do hot yoga. Yeah. You know what I mean? The line gets very upset with you. So moving back to your – So, yeah. So it's dark. It's hot.

Right. And this thing is taught by a man whose physique I would characterize as looking to replace Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. Like this is like one of the most jacked men I've seen in person. He's literally a jacked man. Yes, exactly. Who? Jacked man. I'm just talking about jacked man.

Shut your mouth. I know that doesn't really work, but it's fine. It works fine. It works fine. Works fine for a podcast. Yeah, right. Exactly. Right.

No notes. Just riffing. Yeah, that's right. None of this is scripted, you guys. None of this is scripted. fine for a podcast. Yeah, right. Exactly. Right. No notes. Just riffing. Yeah, that's right. None of this is scripted, you guys. None of this is scripted. Except for my notes. Off the cuff. Yeah, Jesse, this is supposed to be real raw and uncensored.

All right, Jacked Man is in there. What am I going to do when we get to the algebra portion of the thing? You got that calculator app. Just use that. Yeah, okay. I rub my dick on it. Is that correct? No, Jesse.

You're never going to pass the SATs. Guess you'll just have to pass the SATs. Guess you'll just have to go to UC Santa Cruz. I was the first person ever to get an F on the SATs. I got an F. Because you couldn't pass the improvised algebra. And this guy has a shaved head, and going down his head in the style of a mohawk, he has, I guess what I would call hair nuggets.

It's these little bulbs of hair that look like you would break them off and then dip them into honey mustard dressing. Oh, like Gamer Grub. Yeah. What I thought Gamer Grub was. Can you give me an idea of the horizontal dimensions of these hair nuggets? Like how big is each nugget? Yeah. I would say that each nugget is two inches across.

Are they spherical? I mean, are they round? Yeah, they are round. So they're circular. So this is like a mohawk version of the new man bun trend that you'll see around. A bunch of mini man buns? Yes, exactly. Yeah. You don't have the Cinnabon.

These are the mini buns. Right. Yeah. Okay, so they were like twisted and redeposited. But the rest of his head was shaved. And then he had tots of little buns. Tots. Tots.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Hair tots. Did he have, what are they called? Hair bands? Or, you know, like rubber bands? You know, it was like, I did not get a, I can't tell you that much more about these hair nugs because of the darkness. Let me tell you right now, if I were in that thing and he started, I would be like, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Before we even get going, let me see your nugs. Are they dank? How dank are these nugs? I just want to kind of see what's going on up there. So yeah, I should have. I thought, you know, I'm first timer. You don't want to be asking too many hair questions of the teacher.

Right. And so it's this dark. Were you doing hot yoga Mad Max Fury Road style? It was. Yes, Anna. We were all competing for a drink of water. Tina Turner was there. All right.

It's very exciting. So it's this dark room and on the white walls they have on the ceiling is a projector. room and on these white walls they have on the ceiling is a projector and all around the room they project i guess i the closest way i can describe it is inspirational screensavers so it'll be like a you know a a psychedelic pool and then it changes over the course of the class so you know you look up one minute psychedelic pool the next minute you're in like an avatar like a legally dissimilar from avatar you know glowing rainforest yeah rainforest next second you're a album cover rainforest yeah yeah kitten hanging onto a branch yeah exactly the really distracting thing i thought this was kind of cool the distracting thing was i could see the cursor like the cursor was and I was always just focused on them.

Like, ah, this is taking me out of the fucking iridescent rainforest. It was a screensaver. I don't know if they had flying toasters. One of my favorite posters in the world is in the mobile – Namaste toast, John. I greet the breakfast within you. The mobile gas station, if you're exiting I-91 in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, it's at exit 26 to Greenfield.

And you get off the rotary on your first right and there's a mobile station. And in the men's bathroom of that mobile station, there is a successories poster. And there is a successories poster with some guys playing basketball. And now, I'm not going to remember the exact quote. That's not the important thing. It still blew my mind so much I can't remember it. But it's two dudes playing basketball at twilight and there's some inspirational quote and it's by Albert Camus, the famous basketball philosopher. Next time I'm out there, I'll take a picture and I'll send it to you guys.

Camus can dunk. That's right. Yeah. Oh, this is a funny thing. When I was looking up – Existentialists can't jump. When I was looking up the class, I was just looking on their website and they had a quote on their website and it says like, you know, I take Tommy's class every time I'm in Los Angeles. Jewel.

Their celebrity endorsement was from Jewel. So Jewel is studying with Tommy Hairnugs? Yeah, I think so. I don't know if this guy was the owner or just a teacher. Hard to say. All right. So this thing was the fucking hardest thing in history. It was so hard.

Sure. Including World War II. Yeah. Oh, I fought in World War II. World War I, World War II, cakewalk. Including slavery. Yeah, slavery. Fine. Whatever. Right World War II. World War I, World War II, cakewalk. Including slavery. Yeah, slavery, fine, whatever. Right.

No problem. Black Death. Oh, come on. Black Death was fun. Yeah. Cakewalk's moderately difficult, but not as difficult. Sure. It's hard to win that cake.

It's hard to know when the musical stopped. You ever do Black Death yoga? No, I haven't. Is that just where you get bit by a rat and then have diarrhea? You know, you try to hold tree pose? That's part of it. And then you have to sing Ring Around the Rosie a lot. Oh, sure.

I've done black moth super yoga. Oh, yeah? How does that go? That's fun. Sort of electronic-y sounding heavy rock. Yeah, it was very hard. And the dude started out, like I am used to a really like loving, giving – Nurturing.

Nurturing like – Handjob. Hey, if this is too – a really nurturing handjob. And this guy was fucking jerking me off. Could we start with a handjob this time instead of finishing? Could we open or maybe both? Yeah. Yeah, right.

And this guy, he just started out. He's like, come on. You can do better. This is not that kind of class. Work. You're here to work. And he was just doing this. And I was like, I was like so not ready for this.

Yeah. Like I, you know, I want to be, I want to hear an anecdote. I want to hear, you know, I want to be told that I'm doing great. And if this is too hard for me, there's an easier version like this. Put your knee here if you can't do – this guy was offering no alternatives and I think I'm super used to that in those classes. Then your jacked dudes can stand on their heads. Us doughy fellas, we can lay on our backs. Just feel gravity.

Think about our cats. When I did Pilates, I always liked to just feel gravity working on you. I'm like, I can get into this kind of exercise. You, jacked dude, stand on your head. You, doughy fella, think about your cat. Two steps ahead of you, teach. Oh, that's cute. Okay.

Now think about your cat standing on its head. Oh, I love that. Okay. Now think about your cat standing on its head. Oh, I love that. I love that. And then he switched to yelling positives. He would be like, you're doing great. Everybody looks awesome. And I'm like, this seems sarcastic because you were so mean before. It seems like you're –

Are you sure you weren't taking a course by at-midnight warm-up artist Brody Stevens? This guy, yes. Yes, this guy was. And brilliant comedian in his own right. Yes. Excuse me. This guy was yoga Brody Stevens. Focus.

Push. Come on. Push. Come on. Shia LaBeouf asked me where to eat. That's my favorite Brody Stevens joke of all time. I'm seeing him doing. God, I would love it if Brody taught a yoga class

Yeah Ladies and gentlemen Brody Stevens From the valley 818 till I die Let's go into those downward dogs Push, push through I'm friends with Derek Jeter

Met him four times On the field! Yankee Stadium! Fox Sports! Hangover 1! Hangover 3! Am I bragging? Yes, I am.

Do I deserve to? Maybe. Let's talk about supplements! The funniest Brody Stevens thing I ever seen. I saw him do warm-up for something. And when you're doing warm-up, they will cut. That's the thing. Those of you who don't know who Brody Stevens is he's an amazing comedian

look him up this is very funny look him up and when he does warm up for a show or whatever you forget what the show is sure

just remember that it is amazing they so they cut him off when they were ready to start so you know he would be starting something but then they would

like a bell would ring and he would just kind of retreat to the back so this is all I heard before they cut him off Eagle Rock Cuckoo and then they cut him they cut him off. Eagle Rock Cuckaroo. And then they cut him off. Sure.

I like how Eagle Rock Cuckaroo is my favorite joke. There's a thing. There's a sort of yoga-like thing that Brody does during, he did the warm-up on the Sklar Brothers podcast I was on. Wait, wait. Their podcast is a warm-up? No. Pilot.

Pilot. Pilot. I was like, hmm. Who's a warm-up? No, pilot. Pilot. Pilot. I was like, hmm, who's doing warm-up for this show? They have a personal pilot. He flies their jet. Okay, listeners, it's John Hodgman here. I'm just going to get you guys ready for the big Jordan Jesse Go show. So let me hear you guys all applaud. So here's what happened.

They had a video piece, a pre-taped piece that featured a comedy's John Doerr, very funny John Doerr. And during the whole time they're playing this back, you know, they need to get audience laughter along with this piece. Brody is standing in front of it doing like a full-on Sorcerer's Apprentice Mickey Mouse directing of the audience silently. Like drawing them up into the sky, pushing them out, focusing laughter, doing that thing where he points two fingers at his eyes and points at someone who's not laughing. It's aggressive. I've never been able to figure that out.

Do you point two fingers at your eye and then one finger at the other person? I like two and two. Two and two like the Chuck Woolery style? Yeah. It's called doing it Chuck style. Yeah. Sounds like a brutal experience. It's an art form doing one.

Yeah, it was very hard. I feel like I did the last 20 minutes of class just as a heap. Yeah. You know, as a heap and just like trying in vain to do something close to what he wanted. Like, you know, couldn't do half this stuff. Let me ask you a question. Please. Will you do it again?

Are you obsessed with making him love you now? Yeah. I mean, he said as we were walking out, he's like, hey, what's your name? I'm Jordan. He's like, Jordan, good job. Felt great. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. That's good parenting. Yeah. Steg O'Hare likes me. You're worthless. Earn my love. Hey, here's a tiny little endorsement.

Yeah, and yeah, very, very hard no. I think I am going to go back to my touchy-feely Earth Mother old man wearing his Tai Chi. Now that you mention it, my yoga classes have been all pregnant women. So I guess I'm going back to

doing pregnancy yoga. But my kegels are strong. I exclusively get maternity massages. If I go in for some body work, I always get the maternity package. You got it. Self-discovery hour here on Jordan Jesse Go. I like Stego Guy. Yeah.

That's a fun name. Yeah, Stego Guy. Can I tell you something? Is that a guy who's got like instead of hair nugs, he's got stegosaurus plates down the back of his head? Yeah. Some say they were for defense. Some say they were to absorb heat. Regulate heat.

We don't know. Yeah, sure. Can I tell you guys something that my son Simon said to my mom yesterday? Sure. He said – I just overheard literally this sentence, but I just heard Simon go, Nana, I am so glad you're not a dinosaur. Ah. True. That's fun.

Oh, Nana. So that's his name for your mom? Yeah. He's got Meemaw and Pop Pop. He's got Nana and Grandpa Lee. Sure. And Grandma Bernie, my stepmother, except for Grandma Bernie, nixed that. So she doesn't have a name.

Sure. Jonathan Colton's maternal grandparents, I believe, were known throughout the family as Tuffy and BJ. Wow. Yeah, cool. That's a good one. They sound like a couple of truckers. That's what I was about to say. Like a 70s trucker action show.

Jonathan Colton is the scion of a famous trucker clan of central Connecticut. Speaking of the 70s... Are you a beautiful little boy, Jonathan Colton is the scion of a famous trucker clan of central Connecticut. Speaking of the 70s. Are you a beautiful little boy, Jonathan Colton? Ten-four, good buddy. Time to do speed in a Waffle House. Do you know what Colton's CB nickname was when he was growing up?

Nerd bait. Little nerd bait. Sorry, Jonathan. It's weird how in the 70s people were obsessed with trucking. Yeah. That's amazing. Can you speak to that, John, having been around in the 70s? Were you obsessed with trucking?

Thank you. I'm as old as a university in Santa Cruz. So I can speak to you of the ancient history of trucking. I think people were – I mean – and I was a child in the 70s, you know what I mean? But it was, I think it spoke to two strains of American imagination.

One is utter freedom. Do you know what I mean? Just to hit the road and answer to no one and be by yourself and not have to listen to your disgusting neighbors and family members and children and stuff. Or your wife, first and foremost. I didn't want to say.

But that was the romance of the hobos in the 1930s. That's why you had all of that – all of those novels and stories and songs about hobos because the hobos took to the road and they threw away domestic life. They're nagging wives. And then they just lived and they just ate garbage and had sex with young men. That was the hobo life. That's the life. They're nagging wives. And then they just lived and they just ate garbage and had sex with young men. That was the hobo life. That's the life.

That is the life. They would recruit young men to go with them on the road and turn them into their punks. I bet that's what your hot yoga teacher does. I bet, man. That's why you got so jacked. Eat some garbage,

fuck some young boys. But I think that also You speed at a Waffle House. spoke to a strain of technological fascination because the CB, the Citizens Band radio. Oh, yeah. I guess that was the most advanced piece of tech that existed at the time. Well, it was the ideas like anyone can have a radio station and talk to each other. It was the fascination that you or your dad had in 1994 when AOL came out.

It was like, I can talk to anyone in the world. You know what I mean? And that was – so it was that common. It was like imagine the internet plus hobos, you get truckers. OK. That's a sound mathematical formula. Now, do that as a Rebus puzzle put on the bottom of a beer cap. We used to run sometimes on the Sound of Young America in our college days a record about how to use a CB radio.

Yeah. And we wrote a theme song which went, how to use a CB radio, how to use a CB radio, how to use a CB radio in your truck or car. You know you have a beautiful singing voice. Thank you, John. I don't know that I've ever noticed that before in all our years of knowing. Lilting. You know, you're the second person to tell me that recently. Rene Russo told me the same thing.

Whoa. The Rene Russo? What were you singing to Rene Russo, I think, is the real question. I don't remember, but listeners of Jordan, Jesse, Go will certainly tweet to me exactly what I was – because you know that I talked about that. Oh, Rene Russo, I loved you in Get Shorty. What happened to you? What happened to you after that? Two were great.

Two was going to be your comeback, but it didn't come together for you. Why were your nugs so dank? Are we still doing pot songs? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I'm John Hodgman standing by. Look, if you haven't listened to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, get on that. Okay. That's not, have you never heard the show? No, not really. Are you familiar with it? I've listened to it through my head when I'm talking. It's probably the most popular spinoff of this show.

That's true. That's how I would describe it. That's right. It bears repeating that Judge John Hodgman began as a segment on Jordan Jesse Go. And so in many ways, I am coming home. And Jordan Jesse Go, actually, an animated short on the Tracy Ullman show. No, originally. It's originally. Boy, oh boy.

And then before that, it was a radio play, right? Yeah, it was a radio play, like The Shadow. Yeah, exactly, right. Orson Welles was the first Jordan Jesse Go. And then before that, it was just something that shamans passed down when they went from tribe to tribe. Oral history. Oral tradition. I am pretty sure that before it was on the Tracy Ullman show, it was a one-hit wonder is pop singer in the UK.

Is that not correct? Jordan Jesse Goe? Yeah. Okay. He was caught with a lot of child porn. Recorded to serve with love. Oh, I see what you're making. Never mind.

Oh, I don't. Tracy Ullman. Was she a pop singer? Oh, I see what you're making. Never mind. Oh, I don't. Tracy Ullman. Was she a pop singer? Oh, that's right. I didn't know that. What was her? I don't remember what her song was, but she was a- Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

They don't know about us. And they've never heard of love. She did the video with Paul McCartney. There you go. Huh. How dank are your nuts? My main associations with Tracy Allman regard when my family first got cable when I was 12, my dad and stepmother would watch Tracy Takes On on Bravo. Of course.

And I would hate it. Just on Bravo. Of course. Uh, and, uh, I would hate it. Just hate it. I don't know. I think that it was because it was really not for a 12 year old to enjoy, uh, more than anything else.

I don't think it was because it was so bad, but I still like, can't even deal with the thought of Tracy Allman because of how much I hated that show. When I was 12, that's how I feel about Coach. My mom was always watching Coach. I'm like, what's this?

Coming back. Tell your mom. Yeah, my mom will be very excited about the return of Coach. Nothing up on the Jumbotron this week, but we do have a sponsor, Harry's. Harry's.com. Jordan Jesse goes sponsored in part by Harry's.com. These are high-quality razors that offer you a shave that's better for your face and for your wallet.

It starts at $15. You get a razor, you get foaming shave gel, or shave cream if you prefer a cream. There's no unguents here. I use Harry's. I've tried both the cream and the gel. You can't go wrong with either. Then why do they make a separate product?

I don't understand. Just based on your preference. Okay. Individual preferences. Do you prefer a cream and the gel, you can't go wrong with either. Then why do they make a separate product? I don't understand. Just based on your preference. Okay. Individual preferences. Do you prefer a cream or a gel? Do you prefer a cream or a gel, John? I guess I believe I never deserved a preference. Now I'm thinking about it.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the nice part about a gel is you're going to get volume. Mm-hmm. You know? And then a cream is going to be a little silkier. Yeah. So you've got two great options.

Just depends. You've got two great options. Now I'm going to be a little silkier. Yeah. So you've got two great options. Just depends. You've got two great options. Now I'm going to be up all night thinking about this. The razor, the gel or shaving cream, three razor blades, and free shipping. All you have to do, go to Harrys.com for $5 off. So that's $10. Just go to Harrys.com and use the code JJGO. Start shaving better today.

and use the code JJGO. Start shaving better today. If you want to sponsor Jordan, Jesse, Go! or any other Maximum Fun podcast, drop a line to Teresa at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron and share your personal or business message one time with fellow Jordan, Jesse, Go! listeners, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

It's easy and affordable. We'll talk to you in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. John Hodgman, sitting over here. When something momentous happens to you, the listener, we have you call us for our segment Momentous Occasions. The number to call 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. By the way, a fun post on the Facebook page the other day. I just put the phone number into my phone. How

about you? Have you put it into your phone? A lot of fun people putting the 206-984-4FUN number into their phones so that it's handy when something momentous happens. Sounds like a fun Facebook post. You're not going to want to have to listen back to a Jordan Jesse Goat or remember that number. Right. 206-9844-FUN. These aren't fun on the first listen.

When something momentous happens to you, you don't want to enjoy that experience just on your own. You want to be able to call into a podcast. You want to share it with people you like to imagine are sort of like your friends. Exactly so. Let's hear our first call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Josh in Queens.

I'm calling with an momentous occasion. I was walking home from the train back to my apartment, and I saw a man walking through this misty night, walking something. I get a little closer. It's a cat. It's a cat. It's a cat on a leash. And as I get closer, the cat gets really tense. And the man just leaned down and whispered, hey, be brave.

I thought that was beautiful. All right. Love you guys. Bye-bye. That's amazing. I always thought the walking cat man of Queens was a myth. No, no. He's very real.

Oh, wow. How about that? I'm thrilled. I guess I'm thrilled for the confirmation of his reality, but I also feel a little disappointed. Yeah. I kind of enjoyed the mythology of it. Well, I mean, you know, he will disappear into the Phantom Zone because the planets were only aligned for that one night. So he took his cat on their damned walk, a walk of the damned. Right.

And, yeah, then he just disappeared into his prison. Although sometimes when the stars all align, he goes, I got to go on that damned walk of the damned. Sure, yeah. He's frustrated. He's trying to watch the football game or whatever. That's a beautiful little short story that the gentleman from Queens retold. But I have to say that he kind of left out the inevitable ending, which is the cat didn't listen and still hated being on the leash. Yeah, just wants to be inside the house. That cat man of Queens, he's trying really hard to help that cat be something that it's not.

And in conclusion, cats aren't brave. They don't call them bravey cats. Yeah. They are the cowards of the animal kingdom. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Jason from Athens, Georgia.

I'm on my way to work, and I just saw a guy on a Segway pull up to a crosswalk signal button, do a complete 360, and then reached across over the Segway, almost tipped over and hit the button, making a really cool face. It made my day. Hope you have a good one. There are still segues. Yeah. That is still a thing.

Where was this guy? Athens, Georgia. Athens, Georgia. Probably borrowed it from Michael Stipe or something. Yeah, I know. You know Stipe loves segues. Now, this, I think, might be the unexpected outcome of people putting the, what is the number again? 1-800-

206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN into their phones. So 1-800-CALL-ATT. But this guy obviously had it in his phone. Yeah. I'm not sure him having a private laugh at someone else's unfortunate facial expression on a Segway and being humiliated is really a momentous occasion in this guy's life.

I agree. Unless he's a creep. If he wanted to sell this story to us, he should have made the same face so we could see it. Yeah. For example. Yeah. Let's see the face, fella.

Yeah. Oh. Make a radio face. Too cowardly? Yeah. Too cat-like to show it to us? I almost saw a guy fall over on a Segway. That's a mean thing.

Yeah. Is that a momentous occasion? And he wasn't actually going to because of the Segway's gyroscope. It's got a gyroscope. It's not actually going to happen. It is hard to fall off a Segway, I can tell you, because I'm a weird dad and I rode one once. I've also ridden a Segway before. And you know what?

It's pretty fun. It's not fun. I enjoyed my Segway ride. It's not fun. How come you guys have ridden a Segway? I've never ridden a Segway. I did one as part of a fuel segment. Me and a famous skateboard guy rode one around Chicago.

I want to ride one of those policeman Segways, you know, tough Segways. Oh, sure. Yeah, well, those don't have the gyroscopes in them. They don't? Well, there's like a competing Segway. Like, it's got more than two wheels. It's a four-wheel stand-up scooter that you sometimes see in airports and airport security will be driving through on them. And it's sort of like when you really want a Millennium Falcon for Christmas but your parents get you a Starbird.

Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like this isn't what all the mall cops and airport police folks are like. This isn't what we wanted. We wanted the Segway. I thought it just was like sort of like a Segway. This is just as good, guys.

This is cheaper. Yeah. Noblier tires. Oh, they have – You're saying it's like a GoBot Segway. Yeah. That's the – Sure, sure.

No one knows what a starboard is just because of my childhood trauma. I wanted that Millennium Falcon or whatever. But yeah, Gobots is a good example. But they do have all-wheel, they do have all-terrain or some extra-terrain segways. They shoot a net. Knobbly wheels. They shoot a net too, right? What's that?

They shoot a net. Oil slick. Oil slick, yeah, sure. Drops tacks behind. You wanted a pair of Jordans, you ended up with Starberries. Sure. Or you wanted a cool, what was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon? Oh, my favorite Saturday morning cartoon was, I can't even think of one I liked.

Animaniacs, that was on weekdays. Yeah, what about- That was pretty good. Captain Caveman. Can you think of any Saturday morning cartoons that were – Yeah, you guys. Speaking of the internet generation. I love Ninja Turtles.

Right. So it would be like getting a Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle. You want a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lunchbox, but you don't get one, and 20 years later someone sends you a Bravestar lunchbox on the V-Day, for example. For example. Something that might happen in life. I'm sorry I called you a creep. What was his name in Athens, Georgia?

I don't know. Well, I'm sorry I called him a creep. He is a creep, though. Just like Michael Stipe. Yeah. With your bald head and your political lyrics. All I can say is that I hope you enjoy momentous occasions in your life, truly, that do not involve watching someone kind of be humiliated.

You know what? One time I met Moby. Speaking of bald alternative rock celebrities. And he was such a nice guy that it really gives me a lot of hope that Michael Stipe is probably a really nice guy. Because of the baldness? Yeah. I just sort of transfer it over.

Yeah. I have also met Moby, and he is a very nice guy, and he really loves to talk and think about the novel Dune. Oh, really? And that was his entree to me because I have made plenty of Dune reference in my time. And I think Moby came up to me thinking that we were going to go into some deep dives on Chapter House Dune. He did not appreciate that I had only read the first novel and then shut it down. How many Dunes

are there? Lots and lots. Frank Herbert. His kids wrote them, right? As many as there are in the greatest deserts. Sure, yeah. Frank Herbert, I think wrote four. Dune, Dune Messiah, God Emperor Dune, and Chapter House Dune, I think in that order. Those are all fucking great bylines.

Yeah, right? Yeah. And then his son has been collaborating with other science fiction writers to create many, many more novels of Dune. from at least one teamster driving a travel van who would bring me from base camp to set, that the later Dunes are actually much better than some of the Frank Herbert Dunes. Because his whole job is to drive half a mile seven times a day and spend the rest of the time just reading science fiction novels. That was a pretty sweet life. He was a cool dude. I liked him a lot.

Frank Herbert's son writes these? Are you talking about Lyndon Baines Herbert? Lyndon Baines. Lady Bird Herbert. Man Bird Herbert. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. We're Dave and Graham, and we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. We started this podcast back in 2008, before podcasts had to have any kind of concept,

so we don't really know how to describe it. It's kind of like going to the barber shop if your barber knew all about the first season of the show Elf. It's like a 90-minute massage where the masseuse is two people talking to each other with a third person it's like the monsters of metal tour only quieter no music and just talking it's like a makeout session but without the lips touching they just talk a lot download stop podcasting yourself from itunes orOfFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morse, boy detective. John Hodgman, hot yoga instructor. Are you now – You're pretty jacked. I didn't – it was only after you said that that I noticed how jacked you were. Thank you. Yeah. I'm running a high fever. That's my new yoga course.

Yeah. Everyone gets a staph infection. Yeah. And then we do some stretching. You just drink ginger ale. Yeah. Staph infection is not a joke about everybody. Yeah. Get yourself checked out. Yeah. And then we do some stretching. Ginger ale. Yeah. Staff infection's not a joke about everybody. Yeah. Get yourself checked out.

Okay. That's our message for this week. We like to end on a moral, like the Saturday morning cartoons of our youth. Yeah, like your Brave Stars or your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We usually just teach people how to tread water. Right. Or not to get in a fridge

that you see at a dump. Yeah. Because you'll get locked in there. Move your legs like a scissor, John. You know what? Why has it taken the refrigerator industry so long to realize that maybe they just make them openable from the inside rather than kill kids all the time? Do a lot of kids die that way? Not anymore, I don't think.

Because of G.I. Joe. I think that had to do with those refrigerators that had those handles, those latching handles. When my pop-pop opened up the fridge in Ocean City to show off his Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre music video refrigerator collection of Fresca bottles. Fresca, sure, yeah. That was a fridge that I have an idea that I could have gotten. A toddler could have died in there. I could have climbed in there and died. I got an icebox full of Frescas that my homeboys do, too. You're right.

That's fun. We're having fun. John Hodgman, of course, the host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. If you listen to this show, you don't listen to that one. It seems like you're making a mistake. But you probably do because that's where it's more popular. It's dramatically more popular. Yeah, why are we plugging a more popular podcast?

Judge John Hodgman is a spinoff of this podcast. So, like, you guys are all in the family and I'm like, good times. You're maud. Yeah, you're right. I wish I could be Good Times. I caught an episode of Good Times recently on cable. And I remember I watched that a lot when I was a kid. But watching a 70s sitcom, multi-camera sitcom, it's like, oh, yeah, this was very slowly paced. Yeah, I know.

And very, very, very low requirement for laughs. Yeah, I mean, all they really had to do was keep their head above water. I had a weird little period where I would watch WKRP in Cincinnati after I came home. As an adult? As like a junior high kid. Right. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's the way to do it.

Oh, yeah. That's when Lonnie Anderson is at her hottest. Well, forget about Lonnie Anderson. Yum, yum. The woman who played Bailey Quarters with the glasses. Oh, yeah. Sure. I can't remember her name.

That was Hodgman's Natalie from Sports Night. Oh, yeah. That's sweet. I took an airplane with Lonnie Anderson once. How'd that go? Great. Just the two of you guys? Yep.

Going up to the Cape? Did you know she's an accomplished pilot? But she's like John Travolta in that way? I was like, I can't believe I missed my flight home to New York. Yeah. And then I turned around in the Sky Lounge. Maybe I can be of some assistance. Yeah, she's dangling some plane keys in front of me.

She's like, you want to ride, sailor? I'm like, oh, okay. Wait a minute. Was that Lonnie Anderson or was it Stephen Webber? It could have been Stephen Webber. I met Stephen Webber recently, too.

By the way, this show is Cheers and Judge John Hodgman is the Tortellis. Oh. Low blow. Low blow. Why?

I think. Because you're great, just like Carla. You're the best. What was meeting Stephen Webber like? Great. You're the best. What was meeting Steven Weber like? Great. Yeah. Nice guy.

It was at SF Sketch Fest after our triumphant Judge John Hodgman live show. He had just come from the SF Sketch Fest tribute to Wings. At the SF Sketch Fest tribute to. It's true. They're kind of running out of things to tribute to. The tribute to the shining TV movie that stephen king approved well that's all i could think of when i was meeting him and i really wish that i had been a little bit brave enough to to ask him about that to get down there off the boardwalk and play

volleyball in the sand with him as it were and ask him what did it feel because of those of you who don't know uh stephen king is a famous author of paranormal fiction. He wrote a novel called The Shining, which is great. Stanley Kubrick made a movie of The Shining, which is great. But Stephen King hates the movie of The Shining for reasons that are impenetrable to people who love good movies. I mean, a lot of people don't like Stanley Kubrick. But you look at that movie and you look at his work.

It's like this is incredible craftsmanship. You can't look at that movie and go, that's a garbage piece of movie, except Stephen King, whom I admire and love and think is an amazing writer, just an incredible writer, really thinks it's a garbage piece of movie. And so in the 1990s, he convinced – I think it was ABC to – Yeah. I don't really remember. It was a network to let him commission a new Shining.

He was going to fix it. He was going to fix this incredible masterpiece. It was like a four-night deal. I think – yeah. It was a very long thing. Yeah. And – Stephen Webber did it for Jack Nicholson.

Yeah. The character that had been played by Jack Nicholson was now played by Steven Weber. And the character that was played by Shelley Duvall is now played by Rebecca Dormorne. Oh. I got to say, Steven Weber is the cast member of Wings that I would go with for that part. Look, Steven Weber is a good actor. I'm not going to let you poop in the can all over Steven Weber up in here. It's not our intent.

In this podcast hotbox. If we're going to recast The Shining with cast members from Coach, who would Dauber be? I think it would be Dauber would be in the dog suit giving a guy a blowjob. What's Steven Weber supposed to say? I'm recasting a version of The Shining because I think it needs fixing.

Sure. What character do you think should be played by Carolyn and what character should be played by the city? Whoa, deep cuts. I think they should be the creepy little twins. Gotcha. If you were Stephen Webber and Stephen King came to you and said, I want you to play this part, what are you going to say? No. No, you play the part. You play this part, what are you going to say? No. No, you play the part. You play the part.

Stevie K calls, you answer the phone. That's right. Joel Schumacher wants you to be Batman. You say yes. Yeah. And then you're accidentally in the worst Batman. That one I still don't understand. There was no reason that George Clooney had to say yes to Batman.

That's true. Other than it being Batman. You would say no to Batman if you were invited. say yes to Batman. That's true. Other than it being Batman. You would say no to Batman if you were invited. If I were George Clooney

at that time in my career, I might say yes. But if I were George Clooney only like 18 months later, I would have said no. No, thank you. I've seen that movie. It's terrible.

No, no, no. I don't know. I mean, I just, you know, like, well, I don't want to get into the comparative merits of the Batman franchise, although that's probably exactly what your listeners want to hear. Yeah.

You would love that, wouldn't you? All right. Here. OK. Let's. Quick. We'll do it quick. You're in television and film, right?

Sure. And Jesse, you're a performer as well. Technically. OK. In some ways. Here's the question. All right. OK.

Jordan. Yeah. Joel Schumacher is hired to make a new Batman movie. Standalone. You're offered Batman, yes or no? And I am – my career is where it is now. This is not some fantasy world where I'm a hot actor and I have my choice of projects. This is today.

Okay. This is today. I'm not coming off a hot TV show or a – this is like I want – I'm remaking Batman. Right. I want a guy who writes jokes for a fake game show and hosts – I'm not saying it's – I'm not saying that it's a plausible situation. Okay. I'm just – this is not an Elseworlds thing where I'm someone different.

It's not any more plausible than Joel Schumacher getting another time at Batman. Is this a Kickstarter thing or – Yeah. Let's say Joel Schumacher – That's a Kickstarter? Yeah. Okay. Wait a minute.

Okay. This makes it a little bit more interesting. Let's say Joel Schumacher is like, I was wrong. I had a vision for Batman. It did not come together. Studio notes. I should have been able Batman. It did not come together. Studio notes. I should have been able to finish.

I really want to make my vision complete. And I am – I have an unauthorized Kickstarter. It's B-A-T-M-O-N. To raise money to do a new Batman. Wait, is B-A-T-M-O-N a Rasta Batman? Yeah, Batman. Right. Wait, is B-A-T-M-O-N a Rasta Batman? Yeah, Batman.

Right. And I want you – I want to announce that you're starring – Hear me now, Joker. This is very plausible. Prince Gotham. This is actually bordering on plausibility in an interesting way. Sure, I know. I'm sure Joel Schumacher is happy and successful, but the idea that he might decide in his heart, like Stephen King, like I'm going to fix this thing. Sure.

And I'm going to raise money, and you're savvy with the internet. You're on a podcast, so I'm going to cast you, Jordan Morris, as Batman. We're going to announce it on the Kickstarter. so I'm going to cast you, Jordan Morris, as Batman. We're going to announce it on the Kickstarter and I guarantee you that if we raise $500,000 DC is going to be cool with it. Okay.

It'll come out a couple months after Batman v Superman. And what do you say? Now, you understand now at this point, this movie's never going to happen. He's never going to raise the money. It's going to be humiliating. And even if he gets close, he's going to be shut down by DC Legal. But he believes very strongly.

Honestly, I think I'm going to say no. I'm going to say no to Batman. I think I'm – whereas I love Batman and would love to play in that world. At the end of the day, Jordan's – i mean you described him as being in show business but ultimately he's a storyteller yeah that's right yeah yeah yeah the oldest of the professions aside from the prostitute i think i'm yeah well sometimes prostitutes would tell a story it's a different it's a body story sure yep absolutely prostitutes at jordan's yoga studio yeah they tell you a fun story so coming out to their Catholic mothers.

All of those details to George Clooney's career in 1998 or whatever it was. Yeah. He could have said no. And they already had made a pretty bad other Batman movie. It was clear that that franchise was – Sure. It was powering down. Okay.

I understand. If I was George Clooney, I would have said yes though. I would – if you – the situation you just presented to Jordan, it's an easy no for me. Even if they said to me, we'll pay you a million dollars, I don't think I would do it because it would just not be worth it to me. I have a job. You know what I mean? And it already pays you a million dollars. Yeah.

And you get to wear a mask. I'm an extremely rich man. Sure. People don't know that Jesse Thorne wears a mask. Just a small domino mask, but he always wears a mask. Yeah, no one knows who he really is. No one can recognize me when I'm wearing the mask. Exactly.

No matter how small it may appear on camera. Who is Jesse Thorne? Is it millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne? Is it Guy Gardner, the rogue lantern? We're getting into my territory now, Jordan. I don't think Jesse is going to stay awake for much longer unless we mention baseball soon. Is he Cecil Fielder? There we go.

Now we're talking. Or is he Abner Doubleday? Cecil Fielder's son, Prince Fielder, probably has one of the best names for a superhero baseball player. Or a reg superhero baseball player. We did a thing on – Or a reggae baseball player. We did a thing on Prince Fielder on At Midnight. He made a funny Instagram video where he was putting dudes on his shoulders and doing squats.

And I put into the script, you know, does he play for the Astros? Houston. He plays for Houston. the Astros? Houston. He plays for Houston. Houston Astros. Yeah. He was – Does he play for the Houston Astros now? I think so.

Anyway, I put Houston Astros shortstop and probably fake name haver Prince Fielder. The Houston Astros should update their name and call it the Houston Hashtros for, like, hashtags. Yeah. Get some traction online. Do you know what I mean? It advertises itself. You know about internet. Can we end this show?

Texas Rangers. It plays for the Rangers now. Texas Rangers. Thank you very much. We really need to end this show. Judge John Hodgman has been our guest on the show. We'll see April 24th in Santa Cruz. Brian Fernandez, a.k.a. Sonny D on the boards.

A big thank you to all of the donors who make MaximumFun.org possible. And everyone using the hashtag JJGo in all their tweets and posting on our Facebook and in the Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. Always lots of good Jordan Jesse Go Talk there. And by the way, I made a fun new rule. Anytime you tweet about our theme music coincidentally being in a television commercial, And, by the way, I made a fun new rule. Anytime you tweet about our theme music coincidentally being in a television commercial, you are then required to tweet twice about our actual show. Yeah. Tweet to your friends about how there's a show they should be listening to.

Yeah. And you like it. Let me say something. I've been thinking a lot about this commercial because it's on heavy rotation right now. Oh, you don't have to tell us. And it's for Delta and I'm a gold medallion member. Ooh. Congratulations. You and Lonnie Anderson?

The actor and now I'm having a terrible moment because his last name is London and I'm blanking on his first name. Jack. Jack London. Wrote The Call of the Wild. Nope. Jack London Square in Oakland? Nope. Adventure novelist Jack London. name. Jack London wrote The Call of the Wild. No. Yeah. No. Several other dog books. Jack London Square in Oakland? No. The actor.

Adventure novelist Jack London. Okay. Jack London, who is the actor in that, is a good – Daniel London. There we go. Is a good old friend of David Reese. Really? And I met him many times. The host of the just renewed –

Television program. Television program. Going Deep with David Reese, now on the Esquire channel. That show is great, by the way. If you're out there and you have not watched that, that show is a triumph. It is. And you can watch it. You can get all the episodes on Hulu and Amazon and everywhere else, I think.

It's really great and it's going to be even better. But Daniel London is a good dude. He's going to have a son on the next season. A baby son. It's going to be Reese and Baby Reese. Yeah. Daniel London is a nice guy and I know, I can appreciate why

this is frustrating for you guys to have this ad on the air. He's getting paid every time. But he's a good guy. He's a deserving guy and if you watch him in that ad, an incredible actor. I've watched that thing over and over i'm like i feel like i've seen this guy's this guy is a real guy i love i love his acting in that thing so i'm sorry about that okay i don't have any problem with it being on television or

with danny london getting paid i'm just ready for people to tweet about liking the show rather than just that our theme music is in a television commercial yeah i feel like uh you know we would we would like to reach a wider audience. It's been running at roughly a two or three to one ratio since that commercial started running on TV. There's got to be something else notable about our show. Nope. Shares theme music with a commercial.

Yeah. There you go. That's a t-shirt right there. Just like UC Santa Cruz's motto is, we exist. Ours is, Jordan Jesse Goh shares theme music with a commercial. There you go. Okay, we love you all. Just like our theme music, love you by the free design, courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records.

By the way, I saw a great version of Kites Are Fun in an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba the other day. That's fun. Boy, that didn't seem to rub you the wrong way the way this Delta commercial did. No one tweeted at me about it. The titular song of Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design on which you can find our theme music. Just as I'm sure that Delta people did. No, I don't think that they're big Jordan Jesse Goh fans.

It's a real band that has a real high level of reputation. Very popular. I bet you $100 that they heard it on Jordan Jessica first. Music supervisors know about the free design. $100. It's a kind of thing that music... $100 bet. How do we figure that out?

Shake on it. I'm in. All right. I'm shaking. Popcorn shake. We just shook. I'm putting it out to you, America. Prove Judge Hodgman wrong.

Or prove me right. Find the music supervisor of that commercial, and they'll just say, yeah, I heard it because I'm a big fan of Pizzicato 5, and they cited them as an influence or something. Yeah. I mean, look, I don't know. There's no reason that that person wouldn't. It's not ripping you off if they heard it here first,

and they loved the show, and they decided to make a commercial. You should admit it. Here's the thing. You're assuming people listen to our show. You know what? I don't like all this negative attitude. No, we got to. You're right.

Yeah. We're in a hot box. You need to work. Stop making excuses. Hey, what's your name? Brody Stevens. Brody Stevens, great job today.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.