Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 375: Holes with Goals with Brandie Posey and Barbara Gray

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Brandie Posey and Barbara Gray from the Lady to Lady podcast join Jesse for a discussion of The Mighty Ducks, Jesse's unidentified abdominal pain and the book Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson.  Plus, there's a lot of outfit talk. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Quick weather report while we get started here. Beautiful weather here in Los Angeles. I'm wearing short pants. Of course, I'm wearing a canvas plimsoll, a madras shirt, and a five-panel cap. That's an unusual choice for me.

Anyway, let's get into our guests. Jordan Morris, not here this week. Jordan is in Austin, Texas, which, from what I understand, is different from the rest of Texas. Weird. That's what I'm told. I've been told. Anyway, from the Lady to Lady podcast, on my right, the Great Barber Gray. Hello.

I'm Ben. Also in short pants. Yeah. Looking great. Everybody's wearing short pants. Well, you're wearing more of a clam digger. More of a clam digger. I can roll them up into short pants even further.

So we're kind of in solidarity. Brandi, can I ask you to just roll them right up into short pants? Yeah. Just rolling them all the way up. Showing some gams. Also with us, Brandi Posey from ask you to just roll them right up into short pants? Yeah, just rolling them all the way up, showing some gams. Also with us, Brandi Posey from the Lady to Lady podcast. It's a real – look, I don't mean to be rude to you guys. This is the B team.

We got Colin Marshall on the boards today. Yeah, it's a second string here. But you know what? We're the underdogs. Yeah. This is like Major League. We're the little giants. Angels are in our outfield right now.

We're every third act of every movie in the 90s. Yeah, we're about to go through a montage, right? Or did we already go through it? Christopher Lloyd's ghost is just hanging in a corner right now. You know, the other day I watched the Gammas or whatever they're called.

Yo Gabba Gabba? From the movie Pitch Perfect 2. Oh, the – The Deltas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Delta Gammas or whatever. Whatever they're called. The Bellas.

The Bellas. Bellas. Bellas. That's it. The Bellas. They defeated Das Sound Machine, the evil German acapella group in the movie Pitch Perfect 2. So I'm already in the mood. I like that they're following the same thing as the Mighty Ducks movies.

Like in the second Mighty Ducks movies, they defeated Russia. So now that there's like an international element in this one. If there was a crossover, Mighty Ducks. Gordon Bombay became like the head of the. He had to take over. Is that a Mighty Ducks guy? He's the. Yeah.

Yeah. He's Emilio Estevez. He's the coach. He's the coach who they're like, you're an alcoholic. Please teach this hockey team. I had a real alcoholic baseball coach for quite a while. I think a lot of people did, but they don't realize it. Yeah, well, I only sort of reverse engineered it from his kind of general inconsistency and the fact that his car only had one door.

Oh, no. Yeah, it was only one door on his car. How is that possible? One door that worked or just one door? Only one door. On one side, there was a door. On the other side, there was just an open space where a door should be. Oh, buddy.

He had children from the baseball team riding in a car that had one door on the driver's side and none door on the other side. I want that story. You could ride a motorcycle through his car if you were a really good motorcyclist. Which is ironically how he lost the door in the first place. His name was Tim and he, yeah, he smelled like booze. But do you know what you, I don't know if I would know that smell when I was a kid, just kind of like a general weird – Yeah, but it's like a – my parents didn't drink. So it's a very distinctive thing.

My parents didn't drink, but my dad took me to a lot of AA meetings. So those two things – So you knew that smell. I knew that smell, but I didn't put it together that that meant that he shouldn't coach a children's baseball team. And in fact, he was quite a good coach. Yeah. I learned a lot from Tim. And he was Emilio Estevez, right?

He's just. Yeah, it was Emilio Estevez. He was doing research for his upcoming film. God, that would be wonderful for Emilio Estevez. Can you imagine how handsome he would be the whole time he's coaching the team? So handsome. Just staring at that golden skin. All the little girls would have weird crushes on him. Yeah. What is

Emilio Estevez doing? I think he owns a winery somewhere. I looked it up recently because when the whole Charlie Sheen thing went down I wanted to know how does his brother feel about this? Yeah, they went into his bar. More like a whinery. I'm sort of hearing that guy's complaint. Whinery.

Emilio Estevez. There is a Pitch Perfect 2 poster. Why is Charlie Sheen famous? I'm not insane. I know. So much for being the responsible older brother. That's like classic sibling order is those two guys, right? It's the most extreme.

And the junior has become successful thanks to his impetuousness. Mm-hmm. Despite his, you know. Wait, who is the, oh, Charlie Sheen. I assumed Charlie Sheen was younger. I thought, I was thinking there was a third one that I didn't know about. Is there another one? I guess there's just dad.

Yeah, Martin. He's just like, fuck all y'all. But is Emilio Estevez his brother I thought it was like his cousin or something no him and which one of them was in the funky punch

I don't know uh both of them maybe I don't know I was born in 84 I don't know I think Emilio Estevez

is probably doing Christian movies don't you it feels that way he has that feeling I think he's out of the game though I think he made that Mighty Ducks money

and was like peace I'm gonna own this winery he just has a giant yeah mansion shaped like has that feeling. I think he's out of the game though. I think he made that Mighty Ducks money and was like, peace. I'm going to own this winery. He just has a giant mansion shaped like a duck. It's a V-shaped mansion after his most famous play. He just opens

a lot of car dealerships and cuts ribbons and is like, quack, quack, quack, what a savings. He's like over and over again. Can I tell you something about the Mighty Ducks that leaves me in awe? Yeah. The hockey team in Orange County in Anaheim, California was an expansion team that was owned by Disney. So step one, the first amazing thing is it's like 1996 or whatever. Step one, the first amazing thing is, it's like 1996 or whatever.

They got together, the people from Disney that were in charge of running Disney's hockey team, all got together at a big board meeting. They said, what should we call our hockey team that will be competing with other hockey teams in a major hockey league? Yeah. And somebody raised their hand and said, the Mighty Ducks. I forgot that they really made that into a team. It's real. They still exist. Oh, God.

And then so if one person raised their hand and said that, then a second person, presumably someone in charge of the meeting, banged a gavel. Right. Or blew an air horn. Looked up from their minutes. Rang a bell. Whatever symbol they had in their corporate culture to indicate, yeah, that's it. Yay. We got it. This franchise is forever.

They burned a Mickey Mouse effigy, I think, is probably the sign that they're a new business idea. White smoke came up from the castle. That's how we knew we had a... The Mighty Ducks? Even in the movie The Mighty Ducks, the premise of naming the team The Mighty Ducks is that it's an embarrassing name. Yeah. Real grown men who are at the top of their field, the field of ice hockey, sign contracts where at the top it said Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. And then a man

gave them three million dollars. What other names are there though? What are the other hockey team names? There's the Blackhawks. There's the Canucks. There's San Jose Sharks. They're all stupid. I remember when the Sharks I think came around shortly before the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.

And I'm from the Bay Area so I remember there was a big controversy because they wanted to call them – they had like one of those voting contests. Yeah. And they wanted to call them the Blades. Oh, OK. But that was too gang-affiliated. Yeah. I mean, that is a little gang-y. So it always has to be like a weird animal.

It's like a war against the era gang. Yeah. It's not like Piru Cri It's like a warriors era gang. It's not like Pyro Crips or whatever are like, yeah, we're going to call ourselves the Bleeds. They just get out a switchblade comb and comb their hair back.

I would love it. All their hockey sticks have a switchblade that pops out at the top. But it is now 20 years after the Anaheim Mighty Ducks joined the NHL. They are no longer owned by Disney. Nope. They are still called the Ducks. Their mascot is still a cartoon duck face.

There was also a cartoon show of the Mighty Ducks. It was only on for a season or two, and they were cartoon ducks from space that came down. This is real. They were superhero ducks from space that came down. This is real. They were superhero ducks from space that came to Earth. Their spaceship broke and they all played hockey and like they lived in the hockey rink and they were alien ducks. They were the duck pond. Yeah, the duck pond.

Which is what they actually call an actual arena that cost hundreds of millions of dollars to build. The Duck Pond. That's awesome. I like it. I mean, it's not any weirder to me than the Utah Jazz. And I know that the Jazz started out somewhere else. I mean, Jazz is a pretty interesting name. You're not a Jazzbo?

I was a Jazzbo. I was a hardcore Jazzbo. Barbara knows everything about the Utah Jazz From like 1992 From 1996 I was obsessed with them One specific year though What are we talking about

Where did your obsession lie We're talking about Howard Isley Backup point guard for John Stockton Oh wow That's real specific I lived in Salt Lake City and I had a big old crush on him But also I love the jazz Basically backup point guard for John Stockton. Oh, wow. That's real specific. Well, I lived in Salt Lake City and I had a big old crush on him. But also I love the jazz and I just – anything I liked had to have like an element of having a crush on a boy.

What was wrong with John Stockton? Oh, I love John Stockton. A whole of fame starting point guard. But he was – but Howard was the underdog, you know. To live up to John Stockton, that's like a big deal. So I liked, you know, I went for him. You want something that's attainable. Yeah, he wasn't married. When you were 10, your favorite band was The Replacements.

Yes, obviously. I don't know. I like the idea that the Utah Jazz, when they, you know, drop a three or whatever, everybody claps. Yeah. I like that. Like to practice their dribbling skills, they all play trumpets and stuff like get their fingers real nimble.

Yeah, exactly. It keeps your diagram in shape. That would be amazing if they also played in a jazz band like during halftime. We want to sign you but how's your trombone skills? I want to bring back jazz bows. It's a good term. Do you guys not just the term but the whole culture, the lifestyle. I want to be I jazz bows. It's a good term. Do you guys, not just the term, but the whole culture, the lifestyle.

I want to be, I've decided. No. I'm going to commit myself to a hipster lifestyle circa 1960. I could see you. What does that entail exactly? A lot of snapping, I know that. You wear a sharp suit. Okay.

Or a sport coat with flannel trousers. You do a lot of snapping. Is this also beatnik or beatnik's different? This is pretty similar to beatnik. I mean, beatniks were in the sort of mid-50s and were a little cooler than this. What would you guys be in that arena of time? I feel like I would just be like the girl turning into a hippie pretty much. I'd probably be a greaser, don't you think?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Definitely. Yeah. I would also be a greaser. Yes. Brandy would for sure. I would not be a hippie.

Brandy would be Rizzo. Yeah. I would be a greaser because I love to fight using snaps. Mm-hmm. What am I then? I guess I'd be a beatnik because that's what turned into hippies at that time, right? Or what in that time period was the pre-hippie? The beatnik kind of split off into both.

Just the bad kid? Just the kid who gets pregnant? I don't know. I think beatniks turned into like folkies and folkies turned into hippies. Okay. You'd be a juvenile delinquent in the words of every John Waters movie. juvenile delinquent in the words of every john waters movie one time my childhood best friend asked his mom whether she and his dad were hippies in the 60s and this like stricken look came across her face face like this was really important like it was as though it was as though

like 20 years from now our children all asked us if we were hipsters. Yeah. Right. And she went, well, no. We were bohemians. Oh, perfect answer. Oh, man. I asked my mom that and she said no.

And I was like, there is no question that you were hippies after looking at your pictures. Don't give me that shit. There's no possible way you were hippies after looking at your pictures. Like don't give me that shit. There's no possible way you were not hippies. What's going on in the pictures? I mean like long, long blonde hair. My dad had long hair and like bell bottoms and just – yeah, it was very obvious what was happening. They would hitchhike all over the place. Yeah, my dad had some rad outfits.

My parents' like outfits back in the day were – I'm jealous. They were clothes horses. And then when I came along, they just stopped caring. I was like, what happened to these stylish, beautiful people? Oh, I ruined your life. Cool. That's what happened. Got it.

Cool. Yeah, my dad used to look like blonde Elvis and now he looks like Kenny Rogers. That's what happens. I think that's just a dad thing. That just happens to dads. Your dad used to look like blonde Elvis? Yeah. My dad has the same face as Elvis. And then he had the same blonde hair with giant sideburns and everything. But your dad can't have been old enough to have been blonde Elvis when it was appropriate to be blonde Elvis. He's what? He's

63. So that means he wasn't born until the early 50s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like five years old when it was appropriate to look like Elvis. Yeah, exactly. But then when he was in the 70s, he looked like a young greaser Elvis. That is a good combo. That's a look he went for. Yeah, his high school senior photo is just like this badass dude.

Babs, what do you think that you would be if it was 1960 right now? I'm not talking about hippie times. I'm talking about pre-hippie times. Pre-hippie times, that's what I'm trying to figure out. I mean, what was the coolest thing? Because I'd be that, obviously. I'd be Puerto Rican. Basically, my understanding.

I don't know. I don't know if I'd be... I feel like in my head there's only two, you're like either in the like good kids or the bad kids, you know,

but I guess the greasers were kind of the bad kids, right? Yeah. So I'd probably be like, yeah, I think I'd probably be a greaser.

Whatever I'd have to do to wear pants. I think that's what I would do. Those dresses always look so uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah.

My mom loves those dresses. Really? Yeah. My mom loves those dresses. Really? Yeah. My mom's commitment to crinolines runs deep. Girls who commit to that, yeah, good for you. Because we did a show at the Pin Up Girl clothes store and all the girls there, I was just like, I can't comprehend putting this much work into every day. It's at least two hours a day to leave the house. I don't comprehend putting this much work into every day. It's at least two hours a day to leave the house.

When I'm at the Rose Bowl flea market and I see – there's still two vintage clothing costume communities in Los Angeles. One is the Swing Dancers from 1994. Oh, yeah. 1995. They are sort of – they're so old at this point. No new people have joined that subculture. No. So the people who are still in that subculture are all 50-ish now.

And they were grownups before. Like it wasn't a subculture of 18-year-olds. You know what I mean? I don't know. I mean I knew a lot of like kids in my high school that got into that trend. But are they still in it? That's like 1997. That's what we're talking about when high school kids were kids.

I'm talking about Bill Nye the Science Guy. Definitely. And those people – so those people, there's a certain – I kind of admire them. admire them. But then there are the rockabilly who are at least at the Rose Bowl flea market 65% Latino.

Yeah. And that, I have to say like a chick in a rockabilly outfit is something of which I take notice. Yeah. It's a good look. I'm happily married. No, I agree. Something of which I take notice. I. It's a good look. I'm happily married later. Yeah. No, I agree. Something of which I take notice.

Yeah. I mean, if I'm not feeling great about myself, I throw up a pompadour and put on some red lipstick and it fixes everything. It's not hard. It's all you have to do. It's powerful stuff. Yeah. I love it.

I just can't personally can't imagine committing to that every day. That just seems like a lot to me. It's so much work. Yeah. It's a lot of work. When I see those, because the thing is, is like I'll see a 24-year-old woman at the Rose Bowl flea market and it's 7 o'clock in the morning. Yeah. You know what I mean?

The flea market is something that happens at 7 a.m. Yeah. I'm not talking about 2 o'clock in the afternoon. So they've been up since 4 a.m. preparing. Yeah. It's 4 a.m. preparing. Yeah. So they, like, you know, drawing a line on the back of their nylons or the back of their leg to look like nylons, one or the other, I don't really understand. No, you can just buy them with that.

Yeah, a lot of them get a tattoo of that. Yeah. Yeah, that is, I would never get that, too, but it is one of my favorite tattoos is just, like, the line with, like, the bows in the back of your legs. Like, it's not for me, but I respect that tattoo on a lady. It's a good one. But you realize they're not drawing that line, that they buy them with the line in there. I'm just telling you that that's out there. Yeah, it's an option you can –

That's a different thing. No, it's the same thing. I think I'm talking about this tattoo. Okay, probably. Yeah. It's a fun tattoo and also so much trust in a tattoo artist to get it perfectly straight up the back of your leg. They're wearing heels. This is a walking-based activity, these women.

I mean, anything heel. I can't. Yeah. They've got red lipstick on and heels. Sometimes I feel like as like a chubbier girl that I'm supposed to dress rockabilly because I see a lot of chubbier girls do that. And I'm like, am I not doing this? Am I allowed? It is one of the most flattering looks if you're like a curvy lady

that you have in your arsenal. But I just, it's too much. It's just a lot of work because you can't half-ass it. Yeah, you can't half-ass it. If you half-ass it, it looks like you're running from somebody because you're like, why aren't you finished? Here's what I think they do when they when they're half-assing it.

They still do their hair. Or sometimes they leave their, they just have their hair up in a snood. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What is a snood? A snood is like one of those – it's like, you know, that kind of hat that you wear to prepare food in a commercial environment? Yeah. It's like the classy version of that for a lady from the 40s.

I got to look up snoods. It's like a thing you – you know, if you imagine you put your hair up and your head in a knot and then there's like a net that goes over that. Yeah. That's a snood. Okay. And not to be confused with a snooze, which is some kind of Scandinavian tobacco pouch. So they got that going on up top. Do the makeup. Yeah. The makeup is done. Jesse is very, looked into this very. But the outfit usually – they'll break it down to just like white shirt and blue jeans and heels. They will not be wearing heels though. No. And you can't do the Rose Bowl flea market without putting in two miles.

No. That's like the short version of going to the Rose Bowl flea market is two miles of walking. Yeah. It's a day. You got to have some we tried to do on on the podcast we we were gonna do a thing where we were gonna wear wear heels every day for a week and we never we did not do it no we're like no i'm good how many days did you make it to nothing we didn't do it we just talked about it we talked about it and then chose not to because we're like this will end all of our relationships. Yeah. It would be fun. Let's do this right now. Okay. The three of us. Okay. All right.

One week. I can't. Right now, I'm in a big ladies' shoe figuring out mode because my wife prefers to wear sandals all the time. Yeah. And is always barefoot in the house. I'm almost never barefoot in the house because my feet get cold. But she's always barefoot and she always wears sandals.

And she went to the doctor recently. She had plantar fasciitis from not having any arch support. Yeah. So she has to wear arch support shoes all the time now. And she got these. She talked about this on her show, One Bad Mother. So I feel like I'm not speaking out of school. And she's very self-aware.

And she's beautiful and I love her very much. She bought these flip-flops that are like arch support flip-flops. Oh, and they're like the ugliest things ever. They're literally the ugliest things ever. Orthopedic shoes are hideous. Yeah, yeah. But that's the thing. Like they're not even – they don't even have the charm of like an SAS comfort shoe, like a nurse shoe, because they're flip-flops, only the bottom is all weird and shaped up of rubber.

And the top is made of like aquamarine neoprene. Oh, man. They're genuinely grotesque. And I don't begrudge my wife wearing them because she needs to. It's very painful when she's not and she likes to have a shoe she can just slip onto her foot. God, we've got to figure something out. We've got to figure this out. I don't know how they haven't.

She didn't really have sneakers. Yeah. We were buying her sneakers. I don't know how they haven't been able to figure out across there where they don't have to look hideous. It's a decent looking sandal. My mom bought me some sandals that were really comfortable, but they were the same thing. And I was like, I can never wear these. These are awful.

For real, we bought her Birkenstocks and the weird shoe foot shape on the bottom of Birkenstocks is different from the foot shape of her foot. And so it didn't work. I was like, look, we're just going to do this. We're going to go full on Birkenstock fucking normcore mom. Yeah. We're just going to do it. You're just going to wear yoga pants and Birkenstocks all the time and just be super Venice, California.

But it wasn't happening. Not an option. What's an alternative to a Birkenstock? Earth shoes? I mean, I personally bought these flip-flops at a water park. And they've been good to me. Is it worth the price? Should we go to San Dimas?

Raging Waters? Yeah, Raging Waters. Yeah. Break the Target sandals you are wearing and then be forced to buy these. Yeah. What do you pay for a flip-flop at the water park? I think these were like 15 bucks or something. No, that's not bad.

Peace signs. It's a great, great design. I have a pair of flip-flops, and I have literally had them since I was 16 years old. I bought them at the Nordstrom Rack, and I wear them half a time a year. Yeah. I would say it's the approximate amount of— Half a time? Yeah, half a time. Half a time a year. Yeah. I would say it's the approximate amount. Half a time? Yeah.

Half a time a year? That's like where I wear regular shoes until I get to a situation where I definitely have to wear flip-flops. You're just like so anti-flip-flop? Yeah. I'm not on board with flip-flops at all. For a lady. Whatever. Yeah.

I'm not. For a man. I don't like seeing a man foot in the world sometimes. It can be a lot. Can I say this? Granted, it's my show. My name is literally in the title. I think

you can say it. Can you not say it? No, it's got to get out. Go for it. I don't want to explode right here in the booth. I'm all about wearing huaraches right now. What is't want to explode right here in the booth. I'm all about wearing huaraches right now. What is that? That's a Mexican woven sandal.

Oh. Yeah, those look pretty comfy. And here's the thing. I got a big foot. I'm not trying to brag, but I'm a big man. Yeah, big foot, big man. And unfortunately, Mexico is not a land of tall men. And so you cannot buy, if you go to a place that sells huaraches in Los Angeles, you can't buy them in my size.

Yeah. They stop at like nine or ten. Do they just sew on a couple extra inches in the back for you? Cut off the back and just put a milk crate in there. I had to – so my mom spends a lot of time in guadalajara in mexico and i was like mom i want some special mission and so she like she went to mexico with uh uh with a eight and a half by 11 sheet of paper with my foot traced on and went to the guarachero the guy who makes what i chase and brought home a couple pairs and they totally fit. That's awesome.

Now it's my whole lifestyle. I'm just like a chill-ass surfer dude from San Diego. That's awesome, bro. I just got rid of— Hang loose. I just got rid of, like, everything I own, and I only kept, like, three pairs of shoes because that's all I wear. By the way, do you guys like Jordan's out of here for 20 minutes and already it's just outfit talk? That's all we talk about.

Yeah. Deal with it. Why did you get rid of everything that you owned? I did that like the life-changing magic of tidying up or whatever. Have you heard about that? Oh, yeah. That involves special ways to fold things. Yes.

And you say goodbye to things. The folding thing is whatever, but you get rid of a lot of things. You say goodbye to a lot of things. So this is a book. This is a book written by a Japanese woman that I read about in New York magazine, which has a system for like you put all your books in the center of your room. You basically put it goes like clothes, books, electronic. I can't remember the order, but you leave like photos and personal stuff to the end. And you put clothes, yeah, everything you own in the middle of the room. And you hold every item.

And if it sparks joy, you keep it. And if it doesn't, you get rid of it. Now, joy sparking, does that mean the physical arousal? Basically, yeah. Do you get turned? Do you become engorged? Yeah, you become engorged. Everything gets hard on you.

And then you decide to keep it or whatever. You just check for nipples. Yeah, yeah. Check your nips. This cardigan makes me horny. Hold it. Check your nips. I'm going to keep it.

Hold on. Nip check. And then you leave a big pile. I like, Brandi, that we have the same nip check. Yeah. Crosses over with a flat hand. Yeah. Going up and down in a wiping motion.

Exactly. Ah. Got it. Sandpaper? Yeah. That's what you're looking for. Yeah. So I don't know.

I did that and I got rid of a lot of stuff and now I don't have any. Yeah. I walked into Barbara's room. What? What didn't spark joy? A lot of things. A lot of stuff that I've kept that was like, someday I'll fit into these again. That's been like 10 years.

And it's like, well, let's just stop thinking that's going to happen. And also it's like if I did like, I don't know, whatever, lose weight and want to fit into that, I would buy new, I would definitely want to go on a shopping spree. I have a pile of clothes that I don't know what to do with. I have things like, I have my t-shirt from the very first podcast-a-thon that I went to and it's like a giant XL white t-shirt that says, I survived podcast-a-thon that I went to, and it's like a giant Excel white t-shirt that says, I survived podcast-a-thon. And I've never worn it.

You don't want to get rid of that. Yeah. I just have a box, and I'm like, here's weird Excel t-shirts. There's a company that makes blankets from them. I don't know that I want that on a blanket. What else are you going to do with it? It's just going to be in a box forever.

Do you want to sleep with Matt Belknap? No to be in a box forever. Yeah, I know. Do you want to sleep with Matt Belknap? No. Belknap's a wonderful guy. Don't get me wrong. They're a delight. I mean, that's one of the few podcasts that I actually listen to on a regular basis that's like a comedy podcast. But it is like, I don't want to look at this every day, and I've never worn it.

Yeah. I have a box of that stuff. I kept about six shirts like that. But mostly I got rid of everything. Anyway, the moral of the story, go to maxfundstore.com. Pick up some maximumfund.org merchandise. Get some new stuff. Yeah.

Get some new stuff in the store right now. That all will spark joy. I can guarantee you that. I don't know if I could get rid of my clothes. Yeah. I do. I call my clothes. But to be fair, I have an entire wall's worth of clothes and then another closet's worth of clothes.

That's a lot. And also a dresser of clothes. Do you switch them out for seasons? I do. So I also, so granted, in addition to those things that I just listed, I also have an entire rack of clothes and like four or five of those Costco plastic boxes of clothes in a seasonal. Like of those Costco plastic boxes of clothes. Nice. In a seasonal.

And what's hilarious is I do a seasonal switch and live in a city where there are no seasons. Yeah. You don't need it. Sometimes you can trick yourself into thinking that you have new clothes, though, by just putting stuff away for a couple of months. I probably have 15 sweaters. I probably wear a sweater five times a year. Yeah. I have the exact same thing. I have a lot of winter stuff because I like a winter five times a year. Yeah. I have the exact same thing. I have a lot of winter stuff because I like a winter look.

I know. It's so good. I love the look. I know. Well, we also – we get away with it though because we do travel and stuff. So it's like you are going to be in other places that will be cold sometimes. Yeah. You know.

I literally just bought a pair of – I like talked myself into buying a pair of lined boots. You know, like. Like really heavy duty. Like gentleman style boots. Not like, I'm not talking about like snow boots. I'm talking about like gentleman style boots. Yeah. But with a shearling lining.

Oh, man. And, oh, that's a completely essential garment for me to own here in Los Angeles, California. Yeah. Like now I have to take trips to New York in specifically October. Because you can't wear them in the snow. No. Got to justify them somehow. It's got to be cold.

Only in the fall. To wear a lined boot. But not so cold that it's snowing and wet and so you're ruining them. What is my life? Who am I? You're Jesse Thorne. Who are you? Every time I put on shorts, I resent it.

I was surprised to see you in shorts today. No, but it's – How can you not wear shorts? It's a fashionable short, but you just don't – Thank you. You strike me as a guy that would not wear shorts specifically because's a fashionable short but you just don't you you strike me as a guy that would would not wear shorts specifically because you hate shorts i literally i'm i'm from san francisco yeah and as a child uh you know until i finished and i went to college in santa cruz

basically in literally until i moved to los angeles there was never a point in my life where i owned more than one pair of shorts and most of that time i literally owned no shorts yeah um and was fine with that yeah 100 comfortable not owning any shorts at all yeah um i think i think maybe i got like my first pair of shorts in for since i was a little kid when i did an internship in washington D.C. in the summer. Yeah. Where it's in. Yeah, you can't.

There's no option. It's a horrific nightmare. That's where I'm from. It's super. Yeah. It's a swamp. It's built on a swamp. Oh.

Yeah. If you did not grow up in humanity, coming into it as an adult, it will ruin your life. Oh, my God. It's the worst year of your life. Dear God. And then I moved to Los Angeles and I realized I was just like, I am going to have to learn. I'm going to have to teach myself. It was like one of the things that I had to just accept. I just couldn't – I knew – I just couldn't live my life being a dick to myself about the fact that I needed to wear shorts because it was so hot outside.

Yeah. My boyfriend is still doing that. He's from Chicago and he has a really hard time with the delightful winters that we have here because he's like, I'm going to wear this Carhartt jacket. And I'm like, no, but it's going to be 70. And he's like, no, it's just cold now. And I'm like, no, but it's going to be – you're going to be sweating and dying outside. And he doesn't care.

He will layer up because he's like, no, it's February and this is what you do in February. Yeah, that's the life I want to live. Although I couldn't do – the thing is when you're from San Francisco, your level of weather pussiness – and pussies are very strong. I don't know if you guys knew that. So it's not really – it's a bad word to use to describe weakness. Yeah. Thank you. We're fine. Don't worry.

You get a pass. This is for the people who are sending me emails right now. We just got an email. Oh't worry. You get a pass. This is for the people who are sending me emails right now. We just got an email. Oh, man. You don't want to be – there is no greater weather scrotum than a person from San Francisco because if it goes below 60 or above like 76, I get very uncomfortable. Yeah. Like in that range, I'm fine. very uncomfortable.

Yeah. Like, in that range, I'm fine. Right. Like, basically, any situation in which I could wear a light coat, a light sweater, or a sweatshirt is a situation where I'm comfortable. Oh, that's perfect. That's your optimal. Anything hotter or colder than that, I'm miserable. Mm-hmm.

But you shouldn't resent, you don't resent shorts because they're comfortable, right? Don't you feel good in that? I don't like wearing pants. Asshole. No, it looks good. No, you don't. No, you don't. You're good.

Thank you. Just embrace it. You're put together very well right now. Your shorts match your hat. Your shirt matches your shoes. It's like a two-toned... I really appreciate it. You girls look gorgeous. That's not true. We just had dance practice, so we get an app.

The only person here who looks shitty is Colin Marshall. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, t-shirts, right? How about a mug? Are your walls looking a little bare? Visit maxfunstore.com and cover all of these bases and more. We just added some amazing new shirts and posters. So visit today and outfit your home and torso with the freshest MaxFun merch. maxfunore.com It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Brandi Posey, Sassmaster Classic. Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Brandi Posey, Sassmaster Classic.

Oh no, I'm Barbara Gray. Pizza breath. I don't have one. Pizza breath sounds like something a middle school bully would call you. I hate pizza breath. I eat pizza for breakfast. It's all I can think of. It's good, right?

It's delicious. Every time I eat pizza. It's a surprise. I'm just like, fuck. Pizza's so fucking good. No wonder it's so popular. Have you been to Dasano? No.

Is that a really good local pizzeria? Yes. It wouldn't be an episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! without a restaurant recommendation that's not actionable for 95% of the audience. Please, if you're ever in L.A., do nothing but go there. No, it's really good. Dasano's Pizza Bakery. Please, if you're ever in L.A., do nothing but go there. No, it's really good. DeSano's Pizza Bakery. Guys, I actually have a health concern. I'm suffering from an unidentified abdominal pain.

Uh-oh. Yeah. Okay, describe this. Do you think I might have been stabbed? Describe. Is it like, do you think it's a muscle pain or like an organ? Yeah. Does it feel like it's inside of the abdominal wall or on the abdominal wall?

It's not in my tum-tum. Okay. It's below my tum-tum. If you raise your arm, does it hurt? Does it hurt it? No. Okay. So it sounds like it's insides. Yeah.

You think it's a goiter? What is a goiter? I don't know, actually. Is it like a boil? I know this is incorrect, but it feels like a big mole. I know that's not right, but it feels right. I don't think it's a big mole. It's – Are we talking about goiters? Goiter.

A goiter feels like a disgusting mole that's on a face that you can't look away from. Maybe it is. Me and Brandon have talked about this a lot recently, but it might be a twin that you – Yeah. You might have absorbed – That you didn't absorb. Your twin that you absorbed as a child. And I just never identified it in there.

Yeah. It might be starting to move around. Oh, you think it just came to life? Yeah. I don't know. Or it's – You think it got excited because I ate some particularly spicy al pastor the other day? Yeah, possibly.

Definitely. Here are the possibilities. Number one, of course, is going to be cancer. Yeah. Always with a bullet. Always. Number one. Top of the line.

Because cancer can strike any part of your body. Bob Marley died of foot cancer. So really, cancer could happen anywhere. And definitely if you have any pain anywhere, immediately think it's cancer. That's a good safe bet. And you should definitely WebMD your symptoms to confirm cancer. You know what they always say? Take it to 10.

That was what my mom always said. In a crisis, take it to 10. Take it to cancer. Take it to 11. Okay. So that's number one. Could be cancer. Could be cancer.

My wife told me that she doesn't think it's appendicitis because she got appendicitis. I don't know if either of you have suffered from that condition. No. She got appendicitis once in the mountains of Northern California in a cabin. Oh, no. And had to be driven two and a half hours in an ambulance to Reno because it was late at night and there were no surgeons at the hospital in the mountains of Northern California. That sounds like the story of when Teddy

Roosevelt became president and he barreled down the hill to get sworn in at four in the morning. She was rough riding. Yeah. We – yeah. So she said that when she got appendicitis, it was a generalized intense pain. It was not a pain that built. OK. So that's why –

Yours is building? Has it gotten worse? Does it hurt when you breathe? When you just did that, did that hurt? 24 hours I've had this pain. Okay. Has it been about the same the whole time? Similar. Okay. This happens to me all the time,

and then it just goes away. I think you could just be getting older. Like, that might just be natural aging. You think this is a physical manifestation of my realization of my own mortality? Yes. Have you been contemplating death recently? Like that might just be natural aging. What organs are over there? Yes. Have you been contemplating death recently? That could be what's going on. You know what?

Honestly, I've gotten pretty good at not contemplating death. I feel like that's one of my big achievements as an adult. Good job. When I was like 15 or 19, I was terrified by death regularly. Yeah. Oh, really? I'm totally the opposite. I was so carefree and now I'm like, oh, no, it's so near.

When you were a teenager, you thought you were immortal. That's why you didn't use a seat belt. Yeah. Defensively. Exactly. You thought you could use as many hard drugs as you wanted. Yeah. From pot cigarettes to popping pills.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's all coming out of my bio. Is it a drug you know that soda is a drug? Coca-Cola is a drug. I learned that from a policeman at my school in fifth grade. Seemed like the wrong lesson for him to be teaching. The same thing when they told you about the guy who peeled his skin off like an orange or whatever? What?

Whoa. What? Tell me more. What? Why did a man? who came to your school when you were in fifth grade? Eli Roth? The D.A.R.E. officer came in seventh grade and told us that doing meth or something made this guy peel off his own skin. Salt Lake City doesn't fuck around with their D.A.R.E. program.

Holy hell. Wow. Did they have pictures? No, he didn't have pictures of that. That's the only thing I really remember. I mean, obviously it stood out. Oh, man. That's a good warning for kids, though, right? That'll keep you from doing some shit.

It's going to sicken and terrify them. Oh, boy. I didn't do any hard drugs. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but it was already Salt Lake. They were already not doing sickening and terrifying. Oh boy. I didn't do any hard drugs. I didn't do any good drugs. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but it was already Salt Lake. They were already not doing any good drugs. People shouldn't do that. Don't get me wrong.

Yeah. You definitely shouldn't do that. The evidence is in. You shouldn't do that. Oh my God. Can I say how much I love looking at those faces of meth? The before and afters? The before and afters?

What is going on here? This is my show. And it's completely out of control. No. Off the rails. My show at first was one of those mining rail cars heading down a hill. As you talked about peeling skin off. And now it's jumped the tracks, but it's still going.

Yep. It's really enjoyable. Faces of meth. It's like, it's these, I don't know. It's mug shots through the years. It's mug shots through the years of people who've had meth problems and how like they kind of look normal. And now what has happened to them because they've done meth forever. You see them over the course of like 10 years.

When you're thinking, maybe I should do some meth. Yeah. Or I'm like looking for like makeover tips or, you know. It doesn't have to be crystal meth. Yeah. Just speed. A pill. A quartz meth.

Just classic greenies. Yeah. Like a baseball player from the 60s. Speaking of meth, there's some like hardcore like Breaking Bad action happening across from my house. There's a guy that lives there that has like always been – had lots of people coming at all hours of the night. Then the other morning at like 8 in the morning, there was a guy out there yelling at a younger guy being like, you got to find it, man. The guy was looking through his car. He's like, ask your lady. He goes to talk to the woman. I was just like, I don't know what's going on, but this

is not good. That's like the place – there was an old abandoned house down the street from my old place. I used to live in Koreatown. And a bunch of meth squatters moved into it and they ran a yard sale 24-7 out on their front lawn. But they had a sign that said, bizarre, above it. Oh, of course. About 16, 18 hours a day it was a front lawn and about six hours a day it was a front yard. Yeah.

Lots of front yawning going on there. Want to buy a cinder block I found? Although maybe not because they were on meth. So I don't know if you yawm near meth. Yeah. It was just garbage. They were just selling garbage. They were selling bed bugs to people.

Do you want bed bugs here? Buy anything that we have. Would you like a roly-poly? Yeah. Roly-poly bag. Oh, those are cute. If bed bugs looked like that, I'd be okay. So my third guess for this unidentified pain is that I have—

I said third guessed for this. So we got cancer. Right, cancer. Number one, most likely. Append, cancer. Number one, most likely. Appendicitis. Number two, most likely is appendicitis. Number three, intestinal blockage. Yeah.

But I, guys, I don't mean to be vulgar, but I use the bathroom comfortably. You just talked about that spicy, spicy al pastor. I was blaming. So initially, initially I thought it was a response to having eaten too much adobo. You go to the Filipino restaurant, you're fucking up that adobo. Yep, it'll happen. Just give you a whole bowl full of adobo. Yeah.

And it's only one of your two items. And then you see the plantains. You're like, can I get some fried bananas too? Oh, God, I want those. Yeah. They're good. They're so good. I feel like you need to go on a very extreme cleanse to rule out all of these possibilities. Just in case. What constitutes an extreme

cleanse? All cleansing is extreme to me because toxins aren't real. I know. Either the spicy lemonade or drink nothing but green stuff. How will that determine? I don't know. It'll clear you out completely. I want to bring you to the brink of death and then maybe that'll

keep your mind off of what's happening here and that'll just heal up on its own. Can I give you guys a pitch real quick? Pitch it, please. Meth cleanse? Hey, yeah! That's fun. I like that. We gotta get what's that blonde woman with her own newsletter from movies?

Gwyneth Paltrow? Yeah. Oh, yes. We got to get Paltrow hooked on meth. Yeah. Now, doing that thing I did, the tidying up thing while on meth, I think would be a perfect combo. You would get a lot done. You'd get that done pretty quick.

I think the main problem would be you would get that surge of joy from like everything. Yeah. get that surge of joy from like everything. Yeah. Eventually you would have gone through all of your possessions and you'd just be sticking a fork in an outlet to get the surge of joy. Surge of joy. Let's get Teresa on the phone.

Get her to buy you some meth while we're recording the podcast. I don't think I could do that folding or any of that shit. Oh, it's really easy. I love my possessions. What? The folding is not hard. I fucking love my possessions. What? The folding's not hard. I fucking love my possessions. Yeah.

And I hate folding. I do too. But I also probably own way less clothes than you. I barely had any clothes to fold. Yeah. Are they all hung up since you don't like folding? Everything's on the hanger? I mean, I'll fold my blue jeans, but very haphazardly.

Okay. And I shove my underpants and socks into a, literally into a cooler. A cooler in a closet. You like cold undies? It's like a cool cooler. Nice. It's not like an igloo that I bought at the Long's Drugs. Uh-huh. Like an old-timey?

It's like a chrome 60s. Is this your key for keeping cool in the summer? You wear cold underwear? A chilled pair of... There's no ice in the cooler, Barbara. Let's be clear. But I think that would be not a bad... It's not like I've...

You know like Kramer with the oven? It's not like the cooler is half full of underpants and half full of MGDs. It was just a mini fridge full of socks in your closet. Pop one open. Yeah. Yeah, almost. I mean, you know, we're talking about

you're looking at a dress trouser. You're talking about a shirt that's been ironed. Iron my own clothes. I figured you would. See, I don't have anything that needs,

I have one thing that can be ironed. I just am not a... I have, I don't think Jordan owns an iron. I know lots of people. I feel like there are lots of adults in my life. My in-laws don't own an iron.

Wow. That's hardcore. They're grownups. They're professionals. Yeah. Boomers should all have irons. That feels correct. Get an iron.

Yeah. Come on. They're not expensive. They make things flat. It's the roll of an iron in your household. I don't want to see those rumbles in your clothes, old man. Can I tell you what, though, Barbara? You have this Japanese woman telling you what to do.

I have this woman named Cheryl Mendelson telling me what to do. Cheryl Sandberg. She wrote this. Yeah, Cheryl Sandberg. Absolutely. Just telling you to lean in. Yeah. I like to think of, Cheryl Sandberg. Absolutely. Just telling you to lean in. Yeah. I like to think of myself as a fifth wave feminist.

The fifth wave is dudes. Yeah. It's just dudes who are imagining themselves to be. I have to say what I thought lean in was, which I told Brandy I didn't know what it was about. And I thought it was literally like, lean in, show your cleavage, and then you'll get to the top. Yeah. I was like, literally lean in in, show your cleavage, and then you'll get to the top. Literally lean in. I don't get it.

You guys got what it takes in that department. I don't get what it takes. That's why I'm stuck here at the lower echelon of public radio and mid-tier of comedy podcasting. You've got to watch some RuPaul's Drag Race. Get your shading game on. You could shade in a pair of – That's a good point. Yeah.

That is a good point. Yeah. That is a good point. Yeah. I have this book called Home Comforts. God, I love this book. I don't – here's the thing. Tell us about it. This book does not have any systems in it. Okay.

So it is not a system by which to live your life. It's not a system by which to live your life. It is just a woman who wrote a book who will comfort you in any time of domestic difficulty. There is a chapter in this book for anything that could happen in your house. There's literally a chapter about what kind of insurance you should get. But in addition, there's like a chapter that says every kind of way to get stains out of something. And what's great about it is it's not just a made up. Yeah.

Like it's not like – it's not – she doesn't just say like, well, pour salt on it or like feed it to a cat. And then it will – or like whatever the – have a dog walk over it and shake it three times. She's not a witch is what you're saying. She's not a witch. Yeah. Exactly. And it is – A witch named. She's not a witch. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. And it is... A witch named Cheryl. The level of comfort.

Like from Shakespeare. Yeah, you know. Eye of Newt. Witch named Cheryl. Cheryl, can you get me some more bat wings? Just give me a second, Phyllis. By the way, Cheryl is played by Paul Lynde in this scenario. Yep.

I tried to do like a middle-aged, mid-century woman's voice and I just came out sounding like Paul. Give me a second. Cheryl. They need to know how to get dog stains out of the carpet I'm on a panel show in the 70s so this woman oh god it is so she tells you

just the other day I had never had there's so many things in my home that I've never been responsible for before because I've never – my parents never owned a home. And I never owned a home until a year ago or whenever it was that I bought my house. Yeah. A year and a half ago, I guess. And so like I'll just open to the chapter on – there's like a beautiful chapter on air filters. Like what amount of air filtering is reasonable and what's silly? Yeah.

Like, oh, great. I'll see what Cheryl has to say in her wonderful book, Home Comforts. Like what kind of bed sheets should you buy? Okay. I can't imagine looking at this. I would just Google all of these. Oh, but it's way better than Google because it's elegantly presented. I like that. She's a lovely writer and it's not it's it's not hysterical or like when you google it you're just going to get a bunch of ask yahoos yeah that's the thing ask yahoos ask yahoos very

good air filters are owned by the illuminati here's question. Does she tell you what to do if a spider travels from another country and then infests your basement? Oh, you have a spider invasion? No. Like arachnophobia. That was my point. Like if you find out that there's a big spider nest. What if you find out that you bought this house, but it turns out to be a real money pit? Cheryl goes to the movie.

Oh, my God. Is that her second book? I made out with a guy whose that was his favorite movie. The money pit? Favorite movie. Wow. And we watched it, and I was like, this is awful. When did you make out with him?

Before or after you got that revelation? 1985. It was a long time ago. I like the idea that you're taking make-out applications, and you're looking at your favorite movie, The Money Pit. I had never seen it before and I went and hung out with him when we watched it and I think I just made out with him so I didn't have to

watch the movie because it was so bad. So you started watching it midway through? I don't know. By the sight of Chevy Chase's blundering. No, it's Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. It's a Tom Hanks film. Yeah. So it's not as good as I remember wondering. No, it's Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. It's a Tom Hanks film. Yeah. So it's not as good as I remember it.

I mean – I haven't watched it since I was a child. It was really bad. What is good? Fletch. Fletch is good. Fletch is good. Fletch is good.

Suburbia. Is that the name of the other Tom Hanks one where he – No, that has a more complicated – The Burbs. The Burbs. The Burbs. That one holds up. Burbs is good.

The Burbs holds up? Yeah. Yeah. Burbs is really fun. But Money Pit does not. And we made out on one of those banana chairs that rocks back and forth, you know? Wait, a banana chair that rocks back and forth? They're like those weird video game chairs.

Oh, such a chair that just kind of goes down the rocker. I don't know how to describe it to you. I think they are called banana chairs. A banana chair for video games? Yeah, it's not. It doesn't look like a banana. You're too classy. You don't know about any of this stuff.

It's like. It's like. We made out it under his Xbox. It's like a rocker. It's like as though this chair was just on the ground. It's like. While we were making out, he sucked down some paper grub. It's like one of those sketcher shoes that

rolls to the bottom except as a chair. Okay, so I know what you're talking... It's like if you imagine the chair, the seat from a race car, but it's put down on the ground. Or a sketcher shoe. There's no shoe. It's not like... You're not driving on it. You know those ones that are

rounded at the bottom? The Joe Montana kind? Is that what they are? The guy that's for Joe Montana nurses? I don't know what's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones that Middle-aged Filipina nurses? Yeah, that roll on the bottom. Oh, they're the grossest shoes. Just be glad your wife doesn't have those. That is dramatically worse. That is significantly worse.

Those sound cool. I'm actually surprised I haven't owned I don't own a pair. They seem cool to you? Yeah. You only wear wheelies. We call them wheelies. Wheelies are a whole different thing. These flip flops have wheelies on them. Man, I hate a smug kid with wheelies. It makes me so angry in a mall.

It's filled with rage. Yeah. Have fun not roller skating right now, you fucking asshole. It's like, this is the best day of your life, kid. You get used to it. It's all downhill from here. I'm totally going to birth some bully kids who wear wheelies. Just a gang of wheelies.

I have a question for you guys. This came up for me earlier today. I did some estate sailing today. Oh, nice. Good day for it. I had a really nice time estate sailing. Got myself a Vanity 6 record. Ooh.

A couple of camera tripods. Nice. Cartridge bag for if I take up shotgun shooting. Sure. A variety of different things. Yeah, yeah. Estate sailing. The thing that tempted me the most, there was a garage sale across the street from one of the estate sales I went to.

And it just had four boxes of baseball cards. And they were baseball cards from, I would say, 1987 to 1990. Okay. Which is when I was six to nine years old and was deeply engaged in baseball cards. Yeah. And there was four boxes, four long boxes of them, and the total price was $5. Wow. And it took so much fucking focus for me to drive my body away from those boxes of baseball cards.

Let's be clear. Worthless baseball cards. Yes. $5 was $5 more than their market value. Yeah. But, oh, boy, did I want to buy baseball cards. In your head, what would you do with them? Look at them.

Yeah. Like flip through them. Yeah, but you did that at the garage sale and then you're done. Oh, I didn't want to fuck with their baseball cards. They were packed in boxes. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. They're all put away.

The thing that I have to fight the urge to do once every year, I would say, I spend a lot of time on eBay because I'm picking out clothes for a feature on my menswear blog, Put This On, where we recommend clothes. Yeah. And so I spend a lot of time on eBay, and it is so hard for me not to just type in unopened wax box, which is the packs of baseball cards, and then just like 1987 tops, 1989 score because they cost like $3. And I could have an entire box of baseball cards, not just one pack. I could have an entire box. It sounds like an addiction. I mean I think you're going to give in at some point. But I have not – like I haven't bought – I've probably bought – since I was 20, I've probably bought five baseball cards.

Yeah. I have a couple of baseball cards up in my office that I bought relatively recently. And at some point in college, I bought a box of the set that had Ricky Henderson's rookie card because I wanted to get a Ricky Henderson rookie card. That's awesome. And I got five Ricky Henderson's rookie card because I wanted to get a Ricky Henderson rookie card. That's awesome. And I got five Ricky Henderson. Oh. That's right.

I got fucking five Ricky Henderson. You got the monopoly. I got five Ricky Henderson rookie cards and a Jaguar, folks. Ooh. I got it made.

That's what I'm doing with your donation money. Did you put them in your... Buying Jaguars and Ricky Henderson rookie cards. Did you put them in the spokes of your bicycle? No, I saved it

to masturbate to later. But I found myself wondering. I thought, I'm going to ask Brandy and Babs this question. Is there any weird dumb thing that is like for children that has a powerful allure that you have to

fight? Oh, I'm sure that list is really long. Like sparkly nail polish or something i don't know what girls like uh motorcycles legos i love legos yeah all my friends in college were a lot of them were mechanical engineers and they all brought their lego sets to college and would build these giant yeah yeah because they were engineers and that's all like yeah yeah they would build these giant intricate things together. They took one person's dorm room and it just became like the Lego workshop of the entire floor. Oh, that's awesome.

It was awesome. Light brights I have a big thing for. I love a light bright. You know Ready Made Magazine, the magazine of things, little cute things that you can make? We used to have – I used to have the women who started Ready Made Magazine on the Sound of Young America back in my Santa Cruz days from time to time. And one time in Ready Made Magazine, one of the projects was make your own light, bright coffee table.

Ooh. What? That's so cool. It's not that complicated either. Basically, what you do is you get, you get a, like a like the kind of coffee table that has – you can either build it or you get the kind of coffee table that has a sunken top, you know, like you would put. And you put a pegboard in there and some lamps and you put the things in the pegboard. You just get the pegboard at the hardware store. Yeah.

That is cool. That was appealing to me. I love that. You can put anything you want and you put the glass on top of it. That was appealing to me. I love that. You can put anything you want and you put the glass on top of it. You can turn it on. You got that dope light bright. I found a way to do the Legos thing that works and it's called Netbricks, like Netflix. And you order a set and they send it to you for like two months and you send it back after you build it.

So you just sit around doing Legos at your house? I bought it for my boyfriend for Christmas and then we built like a set and they send it to you for like two months and you send it back after you build it. So you just sit around doing Legos at your house? Well, I bought it for my boyfriend for Christmas and then we built like a set together. And this is the guy who loves the Money Pits? Favorite movies, the Money Pits? Yeah, the same guy for sure. Favorite movie, Money Pit. Favorite activity? Legos.

He's 13. Do the two of you build the kind of Lego things? I have no respect for. I'm going to give you this at a time. Okay. Because I don't want to come down on you like a hammer afterwards. Yeah. I got no respect for people building the thing that it shows on the outside of the Lego. Oh, I do.

Why? Who cares? It's like a puzzle though. Like you're not going to build a puzzle into something else. Well, that's because puzzles don't have the amazing feature that you can turn them into anything. Well, if we had enough time to build it into the thing it was and then like, oh, like I know what pieces I have now.

Let me build something else. But I don't know. I didn't have time. I just wanted to build the thing that was there. I like following instructions and then seeing it all, you know, come together. Now, look, I'm out on a limb here because I think it's safe to assume that I keep my clothes in from Costco? I would have one of that full of, in fact, my intent is as soon as my children are old enough to not choke and die by my doing so, just have a bin of Legos. Yeah.

And just build any fucking thing. That's what I use. I mean, I like that too, but you don't have to. Fucking Star Wars. thing. I mean, I like that too, but you don't have to. I think because I don't finish most of the projects I start in life, it's nice to see a plan and be like, here, the thing is done. I have accomplished a thing. It's important for you

to focus your energy on something that will benefit you none. Yes, exactly. I understand that. We watched Third Rock from the Sun and we built this Lego thing and I couldn't do that at the same time. I need instructions, you know? You watched Third Rock from the Sun and we built this Lego thing and I couldn't do that at the same time. I couldn't, I needed instructions, you know. You watched Third Rock

from the Sun and built Legos? Yeah. That's great. That show holds up. Show holds up. It's still a real B-minus even today.

No, it's good. I think it's actually better as an adult watching it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So a B? Yes.

I mean, I was a big old, I loved French Stewart and stuff. I was obsessed with that show. Well, you guys are best friends with French Stewart. Yes. I mean, I was a big old, I loved French Stewart and stuff. I was obsessed with that show. Well, you guys are best friends with French Stewart. Yes. He's our BFF.

Sometimes he likes my statuses on Facebook and I'm like, what? There's nothing better than that. I'm not here to run down French Stewart. No, you're running down French Stewart. You're running down Legos. I'm not here to run down Kristen Johnson. Yes. Yeah.

Kristen Johnson. Heard her one time on Julie Klausner's show. Seemed like a cool lady. Yeah. That show was great because it's the only show that let Lithgow be Lithgow. Yeah. He went full Lithgow. Yeah.

What would you say is pure uncut Lithgow? Because he just gets to be a cartoon. Yeah. Just a dramatic, screaming alien professor. That's what he is. In his heart, I think. Mary! Just like screaming all the time.

It would be fun to be on a TV show. Like a TV show like that. It doesn't ask that much of them. No, it was fun. Yeah, they really got to just be crazy. Go in and work three days a week. Just goof around. Yeah, I'll do that if anybody's out there.

Just goof around. That's what they're doing on Third Rock from this Sunday. Yeah, goofing around. Straight goofing. Just having fun up there. Straight goofing. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. I'm Dave Holmes, and if you've been missing my show, International Waters,

you've been missing this. If there's one thing I know about owls, they are wise. Two things. They are wise. Yes. They love nightclubs. They wear tiny graduation motorboards, and they love nightclubs. They also do the best double takes of all birds of prey.

And if you slow it down, they actually go... International Waters, a panel show where U.S. and U.K. comedians battle for pop culture supremacy. Subscribe right now on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Yes. You guys are about to go on tour. We are. Where are you going? Pacific Northwest, right? We're going to the Pacific Northwest. May 11th is our first show. Yeah. We'll be in Seattle on May 11th. May 12th, we're in Portland, Seattle.

We're also there on May 13th. You guys also have a stop in Chico or something, right? We're in a weird few small towns. Eugene, Washington. Yeah, Eugene, Oregon, Salem, Oregon. Wait, Eugene, Eugene, Washington. Yeah, Eugene, Oregon. Salem, Oregon. Wait, Eugene, Oregon. Sorry.

Yeah. Salem, Oregon. Eureka, California. Eureka. Humboldt, basically. Yeah, Humboldt. And then Oakland and Ventura. As long as you're in Eureka and not Y-Reika.

Yeah. Eureka. That's a real second-rate comedy tour style. How do you even book yourself a comedy show in Eureka? The guys who run Savage Henry, it's a magazine up there. In Eureka? In Humboldt. It's in Arcata.

But the place they found us was in Eureka, which is right there. Are you guys pot farmers professionally? Basically. Really cool guys though. They've done a show for me before and stuff. They have a festival. They have like a Savage Henry Festival happens every year.

They have comedy that comes through town because they have money because they're all pot farmers. Right. Although I think like – They make some money off of the magazine. I'm going to get mad if we get paid just weed. Yeah. I'm going to get so mad. I don't smoke so I'm like afraid that's going to happen.

We'll see. We'll see. We can just sell it on the road then Yeah that's exactly what I want to do So come to your show buy weed from us But you can find out that info at ladytoladycomedy.com If you want to come see us Yeah and we're doing mostly stand up

There's two of us and then Tess Barker our third co-host And we're going to have local guests on each show What kind of local guests are you going to get in Eureka? That we don't know yet What are you going to get in Eugene, Oregon? Eugene's a nice place. I've been to Eugene. There's comics, I mean, all around, you know, everywhere.

So you're just going to get a local Eugene, Oregon comic? Yeah. Well, I've been through, I went, basically did the same tour last year, so I met a lot of people in all those towns and stuff. I think you need to get like a musical saw player. I mean, that would be cool. If you're a musical saw player that lives in Eugene or any of our stops. Well, we got the woman.

Write us a message. I've got to be honest with you guys. I don't think this is going to work. Because I went looking for a didgeridoo player for me and Jordan's Santa Cruz show. If you can't find a didgeridoo player in Santa Cruz, how are we going to find a musical saw player in Eugene? I'm incredible at Craigslist. You don't even know my Craigslist game. Really?

Strong. If you're going to get up on Craigslist and get yourself a theremin band? I sure am. I'll prove it. Yeah, that would be great. Let's go on the road with them the entire time. Yeah. I think Novelty Acts is where you... because you got comedy on lock. The three of you guys are hilarious. Well, we have the woman who sent

us the email saying she was a hello fellow cunt wielders and told us she... Which is how you should start every email i do you know what i did that for a while and i got really mixed reactions you respond to everybody who writes who writes you messages about the show right well somebody will send me an email uh dear mr thorn i enjoyed hearing your show on npr i appreciated your sensitive interview with you know a major cultural figure and I say

thank you, cunt wielder. Yeah, she said should we read the joke she wrote? No, I don't want to read her joke. She said she does comedy and then she doesn't have video of her comedy but she wrote out one of her jokes for us. Yeah, she sent us

her written joke which was several paragraphs long. Wait, where did the cunt wielder part come in? She was calling us that. She was saying hello, because we're women. Fellow cunt wielders, therefore we are women. Okay, so that's just a...

It's a greeting. ...a comedian thing that I don't know about. No, no, no, no. Neither did we. Neither did we. All female comedians greet each other as a fellow cunt wielder. Yeah, and then we do the handshake.

We bump cunts, and then we move on. Those of us who are male in the comedy community call each other ball ticklers. Yeah. Oh, okay. And we give a gentle circular rub. Oh. Ball to ball.

Like one of each of your balls. Scrote to scrote. One of each of your balls. We don't open the scrotum. That's the opposite of our – yeah. That's our Lady to Lady B-side podcast, Scroat to Scroat. Yeah. It's just a lot of –

We have our boyfriends on. It's just a lot of this. Yeah. OK. So go to Lady to Lady Comedy.com or I'm sure you guys are going to post them on MaximumFun.org, right? Oh, yeah. All the dates will be on there. Go to MaximumFun.org.

I wanted to mention something. We have a very special offer at my menswear blog. Put this on right now. This is very unusual, but we have two subscription programs. This is something that people often think that I'm not being serious when I say, but we have a pocket square subscription club. Of course you do. Of course you do. Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah. Of course I do. I would think nothing less of it. Yeah. I travel the world. Does anything come in the pocket squares like lemon bars or anything? No.

Oh. Why would I put lemon bars in a pocket square? It just sounds good. Yeah. You just like lemon bars? Yeah. Do you like Call Time Magazine? It's like a perfect.

Hello. Is this the Office of Time Magazine? I have a question about your Man of the Year issue. Is there a lemon bar? Do you have any lemon bars? A pocket square seems like a perfect size to hold a little lemon bar in your pocket. Is that a lemon bar in your pocket? I guess.

Or am I just hungry? I don't like the idea that these – I travel the world gathering fabrics. I have a woman who hand cuts them, hand rolls the edges. And then you just put a pocket, put a lemon bar in there. I'm just making sure. I just, I don't know. Is a pocket square purely decorative or can that be used as like a handkerchief at any point? It should be decorative.

Okay, purely decorative. You could use it as a handkerchief if you wanted to say goodbye to it as a decoration. Okay, got it. goodbye to it as a decoration. Okay. Got it. The general rule is if you're going to something, if you're ill or you're going to a funeral or a wedding or somewhere where some people are going to need it, you keep the pocket square in your breast pocket and you keep a handkerchief in your hip pocket.

Got it. Okay. That makes sense. So a pocket square is more for like, say you were saying goodbye to a loved one on the back of a boat while you were emigrating to America. Then you would wave your pocket square. Got it. Certainly so. That's a pocket square situation.

Or let's say that you were some kind of silent era comedian and you'd accidentally been dropped into a rodeo. Okay. And the bull had just been released. Oh. Then you would wave your pocket square. Yeah. Another situation. Okay. And the bull had just been released. Oh. Then you would wave your pockets. Yeah. Could you also express you would take it and mop your head if you were worried or sweaty

also? I would rather that you didn't do that. That's a handkerchief. Or if you have like, yeah, if you have like a cookie hidden in there, then you take it out and then you wipe your mouth with it. I don't think you should. I'm just trying to make you angry.

Like a snickerdoodle? Oh, yeah. Take one of my handmade pocket squares that retail for $65 and put a snickerdoodle in there? Yeah. An almost- $35 snickerdoodle. Yeah.

Okay. Here's- Okay. Look, I'm trying to give a special offer here. Yes. This week you can get a free pocket square if you subscribe to any length of time. You could literally subscribe for one month and you will get two pocket squares in the mail. Wow.

But if you subscribe for a year, you already get one free in addition to your six. It's in every other month. So you will get two free. So your first shipment if you subscribe for a year will be three. Wow. And that's if you use the code. If you use the code gentlemen. Naturally.

And as well, we have a subscription newsletter called the Inside Track where those eBay choices go as discussed previously. Because basically we have a couple that run on the website publicly. But then people complain because our website is so popular. It drives up the prices. Yeah. And people feel like they're not getting a deal. So we have a secret one that you have to pay five bucks a month to get. Yeah.

It also includes a roundup of all the sales of all the websites that we like and stuff like that. You can get a free month of that right now using the code InsideTrack. Nice. So you will find those codes on PutThisOn.com right now. Just scroll down a little bit or something. And it is the first and only time we have ever put these on sale. We're only putting them on sale because we just switched platforms.

We kind of thought like, oh, well, you know, we'll do this. We had to put this together for people that are switching to make sure that they put in their new credit card numbers. Yeah. And we're like, we'll do that. That's nice. So go to putthison.com. You can use the code GENTLEMAN for a free pocket square. You can use the code INSIDETRACK for a free month of the Put This On Inside track.

Would a lady use a pocket square for anything? Is there – I guess unless – Is there something with your box use a pocket square for anything? Is there... I guess unless... No. Yeah. Like box wiping? Is that something? Yeah.

Well, Oh, no. Cottonelle wipes. Yeah. You definitely are done with a pocket square after you... Yeah, after you've used that. Yeah, I mean,

you could use it to... Wield it towards your... Hold your boobs apart? Just pull them apart. I'm behind you. This is all purely speculative because I am not a lady. You could do a lot with it. You could tie it around your neck and have a nice cute –

Yeah. I always like that look. I always like a neckerchief. You would choke yourself and die because it's not big enough. Oh, OK. All right. All right. Never mind.

Nothing for women. You could put it in a pocket. You could hang it out your back pocket. That would show what kind of late 1970s homosexual man you were. There you go. That's nice. I am all kinds. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just a rainbow. Real leather daddy.

It would be too small to wear as if you were a bandit, right? Yeah. You could rob a bank with a pocket square. You could tie two pocket squares together. There you go. Sign up. Get this free deal. And then you could become a Bundy. Yeah. And then if you get all of them, you can tie them up for an escape rope.

Be the most fashionable magician. Here's the thing. If you subscribe for a year, you get six pocket squares. It's every other month. Plus two free pocket squares. It's eight. It's eight pocket squares. So you would have to escape from a window that was about, let's see.

You'd be on the first floor still. About six feet high. Great. Five to six feet high. If you have bad knees, you know, then you could use the scarf to help you get down. That's a really good point. Do you have a tagline for your site? Is it, hey, put this on?

For put this on? Yeah, it's, hey, put this on. Yes. Yeah, it's, what's the matter you? Put this on. It's, forget about it. Forget about it. Put this on yeah it's hey put this on yes yeah it's what's the matter you put this on yeah it's forget about it forget about it put this on this on forget about it listen up you cantaloupe put this on is that a reference to something or is this a brandy posy original form from your fertile comic mind just came out just came right on out of the noggin.

Feel good about it. Anyway, go to putthison.com where our slogan is, listen up, you cantaloupe. Putthison.com. When something momentous happens to you, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our regular segment, Momentous Occasions. Colin Marshall's on the boards. He's ready to roll out the first momentous occasion. Let's hear it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Mikey, calling with a momentous occasion. I'm a career zookeeper. I've been bouncing around through zoos over the past few years. And today, on my first day of work, at my dream job, where I'm working as an orangutan keeper.

At my dream job, where I'm working as an orangutan keeper, and I had the moment of my life when I met an orangutan who speaks sign language, and he called me his friend. This is the best day of my life, and I'm sharing it with you, and now I'm going to go home and take it sleazy like Sunday morning. Love the show. Thanks for doing it. God bless you. If anyone has earned taking it sleazy like Sunday morning, that's you, sir. I really thought he was going to say jerk off to orangutan pictures.

I'm sorry. He just had a very dramatic pause there, and I was like, oh, please. I think this orangutan was just establishing that he is your friend, so you will give him a ride to the airport next month. Yeah, he's moving and he knows you have a truck. Yeah. He's moving zoos. Yeah.

You know, I have a friend who grew up in Woodside, California, which is like a rural part of Silicon Valley. But it's also the place where all the venture capitalists are. Oh, tech bros. Good combo. But he grew up there. His parents were like back to the land hippies in the 60s and like bought a big piece of land and built themselves a house. And then venture capital happened around them. And so the two amazing things about the place where he lives are, number one, his immediate neighbors who are, I'm'm going to say five football fields away, have a menagerie.

Fantastic. So just sometimes you'll just be sitting in his parents' house. Well, I haven't sat in his parents' house since like I was like 23. But I have sat in his parents' house and looked over his shoulder out the window as an emu walked by. They also had zebras. Wow. Like multiple zebras, like a whole group of zebras. And theyu walked by. They also had zebras. Wow. Like multiple zebras.

Like a whole group of zebras. And they just walked around. There was no fences or anything. I just watched that movie Roar. Have you heard about that? No, that's the Katy Perry documentary? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's this film that was,

I can't remember the guy's name, but it's Tippi Hedren and her daughter Melanie Griffith and whoever Tippi was married to at the time. Melanie Griffith but it's Tippi Hedren and her daughter Melanie Griffith and whoever Tippi was married to at the time. Melanie Griffith's mom is Tippi Hedren? Tippi Hedren. I know. Yeah.

I didn't know that until this either. And it's this movie that was – when they grew up – Now, who is Kurt Russell's dad? Jack Russell? He's a terrier. He's half terrier. Yeah, yeah. Gotcha.

Yeah. Russell Stover. They lived with like 30 to 40 lions. The candy man. What? Oh. I'm trying to tell you about this movie. I'm pretty sure Kurt Russell's dad is Russell, the football, the brand of football.

Russell Athletic. The sweatshirt folks. He came from a Jack Russell Terrier humping a football. And that's where Russell comes from. Oh, that's beautiful. The civic brand of gruff charm. Okay, sorry. So they have lots of animals.

No, it's fine. They have like 30 to 40 lions that they lived with. And then they decide to make a movie about it. And it's the craziest thing I've ever seen. You shouldn't even live with one lion. No, you shouldn't live with any. They open the door and there's just 30 of them just living in a house. The lions lived in their house?

Yes. Where did they poo-poo? Outside, I guess. It was insane. Did they have a lion door on their regular door? No, they had basically – they had all these ramps everywhere. Yeah, and they could come in and out the windows. Thank you very much for enjoying that, Brandi, because I was having a lot of fun with that idea.

Your dad just showed through so hard. But where do the lions poo-poo? I hear exactly how you are with your kids in that line. That's amazing. Yes, a big cat door, a big bowl of milk for all of them to drink out of. She's the biggest. That's awesome. So the other thing that my friend Tyler lived near when he was growing up is Coco the fucking gorilla.

Whoa. He lived down the street from Coco the gorilla. Did Coco just have his own condo or what was his deal? Number one, Coco the gorilla is a lady. Oh, excuse me. Come on. I know barely about Coco. I don't know that much about her.

She had a kitten. Coco's kitten. Number one, fine animal gorilla. Yeah. That's her famous quote. Yeah. That's some fun Coco the gorilla humor. Coco the gorilla had like a compound.

Yeah. So she had indoor and outdoor areas. Of course, her cat, All Ball, lived there until she died a compound. Yeah. So she had indoor and outdoor areas. Of course, her cat, All Ball, lived there until she died tragically. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember. Okay. That's very sad.

And that's – Coco the gorilla is still around, by the way. Yeah. It's just getting sort of old and ornery from what I understand. Yeah. Anyway, this guy made an orangutan that's pretty rock solid. Yeah. That's pretty sweet. I mean, it's not Coco.

Of the monkeys, I think I would want to meet an orangutan of the primates. I think so, too. I don't want to meet a chimp. I don't like a chimp. Number one, an orangutan is an ape. Oh, sorry. So I'm going to have these emails off at the pass here. I'm so sorry, everybody.

Send them to me, I guess. Show me an orangutan's tail, and then I'll show you a monkey orangutan. Am I right, Babs? Yes. Give me a break. Some people are just assholes. Everyone's just an asshole. Some people are fucking assholes. Oh, Brandy!

I'm talking about Brandy because she doesn't know the difference between an ape and a monkey. It's a tale. So she's an asshole. A real asshole. Top of the food chain, you guys. So you would like to meet an orangutan?

I would like to – yeah. I would like to meet one of those. Do you say orangutan or orangutang? Tang. Which I know is a – Tang seems right. Orangutang feels right. It's a common usage, right?

Yeah. But there's no G there, right? I don't know. It's been a while since I've spelt it. I don't think there is. But tang comes from orangutang. Or there is. But Tang comes from orangutan. Orangutan. Tang comes from orangutan.

I thought it came from the space program. Well, both, right? I think that's what they named it after. Yeah. I think so. Orangutan. If we had shot an orangutan into space before those chimps, we would have won a lot more in the space race. That's all I'm saying. What if he met the orangutan and he signed to it like, hello, I'm your new keeper.

And then the orangutan signed back, suck my dick. Eat a lemon. What did he say? Go suck a lemon. Go suck a lemon. Please. It's a popular phrase in the orangutan. Okay.

Let's take another call, Colin. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, guest, and Sunny D. I have a momentous occasion. This is right from Brooklyn, and like any self-respecting Brooklyn person, I ride my bike. So I get out of work a couple days ago, and it's gone. Can you pause this, Colin? I get out of work a couple days ago and it's gone. Can you pause this, Colin? Like any self-respecting Brooklyn person, and then you say, I ride my bike?

Yeah. No. I make my own pickles. Yeah. You can't say, I ride, that's such a, I have sleeve garters. Exactly. Like, you really can't set that up and then follow it up with, I ride my bike. Fuck everybody in a wheelchair

in brooklyn is what he's basically saying too all right you know what you know what i always say some people are just assholes i i'm from brooklyn and i ride a bicycle i rode a bicycle here today from brooklyn that's how brooklyn i am i we know you know you're from Brooklyn because you already came up with that great line about cantaloupes. Hey, you cantaloupe! Okay, press play, Colin. The wheel locked to a frame with a note that says,

I have your bike and a phone number. So I call the phone number and the dude on the phone says that he has it. He saw a guy stealing it and he followed him saw him stash my bike in a construction site and then go and hit up another bike rack so this dude on the phone confronts him thief runs off and he goes grabs bike, and brings it to his office and leaves the note so I could come and get it. Now, New York, things are crazy.

So I'm thinking this is ransom or extortion or something. So the guy on the phone gave me the address of his office. I walk by, and I recognize it as, like, a building of a major television network. And one of my coworkers used to work there. So I tell him the story, show him the phone number. major television network. And one of my co-workers used to work there. So I'd tell him the story, show him the phone number, and he's like, oh, I remember, I know that phone number. That's a friend of mine I've been seeing in years. So I'm like, oh, this is legit.

And I just got my bike back. This guy was completely serious and truthful. He is basically the bicycle equivalent of Batman. And I reconnected two friends who haven't been seeing each other in a long time through a little bout of vigilante justice. Yes, vigilante justice. As soon as I found out that he wasn't, as soon as I realized that he wasn't going to say that it was Rachel Maddow or something. Yeah. Maybe it was.

Maybe it was. But he just didn't want to put it out there. If he had not set it up as though the moral of the story was going to be that fucking Al Gore got his bike or something. Yeah. That's not enough that this guy got it? That's pretty cool. It would have been had he not said it. It was a major television network.

And then I went there. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then the payoff is, and everything was as it seemed. Yeah, yeah. 30 Rockefeller. It was Lorne Michaels. Oh, God. Wouldn't that be great?

What if it was Biff from The Late Show? That would be really fun. Oh, it definitely was Biff. It was the guy from the Hello Deli. What's that guy called? I can't remember. I haven't watched that. No, it was Paul Schaefer, obviously, guys.

God, come on. Can I tell you guys a secret opinion that I have? Is it about Paul Schaefer? Yeah, put it out there. Paul Schaefer's underrated. I like Paul Schaefer. I think he's funny. No, I'm right there with you. I think he's funny. No, I would believe.

I'm right there with you. I think he's fun. He wouldn't be on the show if he wasn't funny. He's been a good bounce board for Dave for years. And I think he's more than that. He also co-wrote the song It's Raining Men. Did he? Oh, hell yeah.

That's pretty good, too. I wonder what he's going to do now that Dave's ending. I mean, obviously, he could just retire. But is he going to? Yeah. Yeah. What's G.E. Smith doing right now? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go.

Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Brandi Posey, Sassmaster Classic. I'm Barbara Gray, a thorn in your side. Jesus Christ. What are you, my seventh grade gym teacher? I don't know. Why don't you call me Jesse the Body Ventura next?

I just, I'm not, I can't think of it. Anything. Babs Gray. Babs the abs. Babs Gray. Did you know that I, that my pretend secret girlfriend's name is Babs? Really? Yeah.

Like if. What's your secret girlfriend? Sort of like if. When you threaten to leave. If I say I'm going to be gone, I'm going to be gone. I'm going to be home a little late tomorrow. My wife says, why? I say, I have a date with Babs.

Oh, that's great. I also have a also have i have two actually one's called missy babs and missing babs is weird to keep them guessing you know yeah yeah is one of them more of a weekend gal one of them's more you catch up on your tv with i would say they're both like like spectacular fuck holes that should have been your nickname holes with goals oh that's mine holes with goals that's it well two-thirds of the ladies from lady to lady has been a delight to have you come and class up this podcast.

Thank you. Thank you. We're very grateful to have you here. I think you're going to make those goals. I think so, too. Babs. And those holes. Oh, God. Babs is such a cool name.

I wish my name was Babs. Is there a – there's no – You can change it. There's no name that's that cool, right? I mean, I'm totally satisfied with my name. I think I've got a nice, solid name. Jesse is one of the better guy names.

But it's not as good as Babs. Babs. Babs is fun and cool. Yeah. I don't like... I've never liked my name. Babs is okay. I like Babs a lot. I mean, Barbara is fun. Barbara is a sort of neutral. I can't tell people to call me Babs. That's their... You know what I mean? Why not?

You're fun. I'm Babs. You're wearing a leopard print shirt. You can tell anybody to call you whatever you want. I am wearing a very Babs shirt. That's true. Very Babs. You gotta toss your hair and be like, just call me Babs. Just call me Babs.

Yeah. I just feel like that means I'm in like a bar. I'm 60 and just like, hey, it's Babs. Give me the Babs. That's what's so fun about it. That's what's so fun. Okay. Okay.

I'm Babs. I'm Babs. You're a young, attractive woman who has the name of so fun about it. That's what's so fun. Okay, okay, I'm Babs. You're a young, attractive woman who has the name of a fun old lady. Yeah. I know, but gray, that's old, too. It's just, like, too much old. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. It's too much old here on Jordan Jessup.

The Lady to Lady is going on tour. If you're in the Pacific Northwest or Northern California or Ventura, make sure to come out to their tour. Bullseye, proud to be sponsoring it. It's going to be a delight. And hey, if you're in Brooklyn, if you're in Brooklyn, New York City, where they paint murals of Biggie, I'm going to be at BAM,

the Brooklyn Academy of Music, for Radio Love Fest on Saturday night. The Saturday following the release of this week's program. That's Saturday, May 9th, I want to say. I am going to be hosting a show, and by hosting I mean walking out on stage, doing a little comedy bit that I'll probably write on the airplane

and then introducing a real comedian. I'm going to be hosting a show with Ali Wong, Aparna Nancharla, Maria Bamford. Great lineup. Good lineup. Who am I missing? Ali Wong, Aparna Nancharla, Maria Bamford. Great lineup. Good lineup. Who am I missing? Ali Wong, Aisha Tyler. And Aisha Tyler.

Damn. All of those have been guests on Lady to Lady except for Maria. Got to get Maria in there. Just listen. It's a real murderer's row of delightful comedians. Four of my favorite comedians in the entire history of the world. Yeah, that's an amazing lineup. So ride your bike there, Brooklyn.

Get on your bike. Bring me some pickled beets. Do love pickled beets. Colin Marshall on the boards this week. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of our friends at Light in the Attic Records. It comes from their album, Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design. If you have thoughts about Jordan Jesse Go, you can always email us at jjgo at maximumfun.org

or give us a call at 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN. This week on Bullseye, Jim Burrows, the legendary sitcom director, directed 75 episodes of Taxi, co-created Cheers, directed the Mary Tyler Moore show. Yeah, that's awesome. Like every episode of Will and Grace. Wow. Directed the pilot of Friends. Wow.

Directed, he's an amazing dude. He tells this story about Andy Kaufman on Taxi had a clause in his contract that you had to – that they had to give a guest shot to Tony Clifton, his lounge singer alter ego. Oh, I love it. And then they had to fire him because he was too terrible. And so the manager, Tony Clifton's manager, who was coincidentally also – George Shapiro. Andy Kaufman's manager called and said, you can fire him, but he needs you to fire him in front of everybody and he needs two prostitutes, one to sit on each leg while he's being fired. That's amazing. So more fun stories like that on Bullseye this week.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.