Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 376: Sliding into Second with Emmy Blotnick

Episode Date: May 11, 2015

Comedian and @midnight writer Emmy Blotnick joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's appendectomy, Jordan's Mother's Day brunch, and the Super Soaker arms race of the 90's.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the Walter Matthau of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Just in terms of posture, I don't have a grumpy outlook on life. Well, you know what? Now you have the posture to go with your outlook and hat. I'm never seen anywhere without my gray athletic sweatshirt and beat-up Mets cap. There you go.

Yeah. So here's the- And you've also got something sticking in your craw perpetually. No, that was my abdomen. Oh. It's a set of staples from a surgery I just had. Sure. But your craw is okay. Oh, my craw, they actually checked it. They palpate the craw. Oh, that's nice. Just to check for tenderness. And my craw was really, actually, they told me I've got the craw. I'm

33 years old, 34, just turned 34 years old. They said I've got the craw of a 26-year-old. I mean, you know, that's great. I have to go in perpetually to have my craw drained because of, you know, fluid buildup. Right. Sure. What kind of fluid have you got in there? Like window washing fluid? Oh, it's semen.

My craw is what I call my penis. Oh. I don't know how to get semen out of the penis other than to have a surgical procedure. Is that a penis or just a boil where your penis should be? You know what? I should ask the doctor. I guess I'm not entirely – I was assuming it was a penis. Right.

But I guess that would explain that pre-lovemaking, the woman always says, ew. Right. So. Right. It might be a boil. It might be a boil. It might be a boil. So, yeah. So here's a story.

Okay. You weren't here last week, Jordan. You were out in Austin, Texas. Living it up. Keeping it weird. I had two of the – It was getting a little less weird and I thought I would go in to help them keep it weird. Sure.

So I put on a jester's hat. Just rode in on your unicycle to weird things up a little. Oh, yeah. I had two of the lovely ladies of Lady to Lady on the program. And it was a blast. Sure. We had a great time. And in one of the segments, we discussed a mysterious abdominal pain that I was feeling.

Man, it sounds like a hot F. I'm sorry I missed it. I know, right? pain that I was feeling. Man, it sounds like a hot ep. I'm sorry I missed it. I know, right? It was part of my unusual medical situations effort. I'm trying to sort of house-ify Jordan Jesse Go.

Oh, I like that. We got this whiteboard and this multi-ethnic team of young people. And my hope is that through a combination of cantankerous and a certain kind of genius, I can solve some of the most difficult medical cases of our time. I know this is well-trod territory for us. But if you are trying to houseify the show, have you considered a vague, unplaceable accent?

Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I mean, we've talked a lot about the British to American vague, unplaceable accent. But, I mean, if we're going to try and hostify the show, we need one of those. Like, hi, I'm Jesse Thorne. I was on Jeeves and Wooster. There you go. Yeah.

Like that? Maybe hit those. Yeah. I mean, it comes from the gut. The vague, unplaceable accent comes from the – I've had some portions of my gut removed. Oh. And so that might be one of the problems with the unfortunate placeability of the accent.

I wonder if that will make it easier or harder for you to do a vague, unplaceable accent. Yeah. It could be epilepsy. That was great. I was on Jeeves and Wooster. That was great. How about, uh, a bit of Fry and Laurie? But I don't think House on the show said the previous shows that he was in.

Really? I only watched a little bit of that show. Uh-huh. I received a box set as a gift once. Sure. And, uh, enjoyed that. I don't, maybe it happened in the later seasons but at no point did he did hugh laurie break character to say the names of other shows he was in i have seen a lot more jeeves and

wooster than i have house which i think is in keeping with my general public persona sure you know i think if i think people would be disappointed in me had i seen a lot more house than i had jeeves honestly i don't think they would care i think you would be disappointed in yourself yeah i think i think you beat yourself up more about that stuff than other people can i offer a brief let's introduce sure our guest on the program she's a stand-up comic she's a writer for the hit television program at midnight her name is emmy blotnick hi emmy hi um i i want to offer of all, welcome to the program, Amy. Thank you, guys. I want to offer a brief, we'll get back to my medical issues in a moment. And if you've noticed that I'm relatively more monotonous than usual, it's because it's a little bit painful for me to modulate my tone.

Okay. I want to give you a brief commentary on the subject of Jeeves and Wooster, the television show. Sure. Have you ever seen this show? I have not. Okay. I was on Netflix or something I think for a while. I don't know why I watched it but I watched a lot of it.

Here's my thoughts on this. So it stars Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. It had to be two British guys. Yeah. Because it's a British it's set in the British Empire. Jeeves and Wooster.

Yeah. Jeeves and Wooster. It's based on the legendary Jeeves and Wooster starring Danny DeVito and Lou Diamond Phillips. Perfect. It's me, Jeeves, and I'm Wooster. Tea time, crumpets.

And this is what I think of. That's my Lou Diamond Phillips impression, by the way. I think you would have a Latin hunk. He's Filipino. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. I think Hollywood did its thing and cast him as a lot of Latin characters. Absolutely.

That's absolutely the case. Richie Valens. You'll forgive my racism. It's just an extension of Hollywood's racism. He may be half Latino, half Filipino. Okay. I just know because I was – Can we IMDB that to see how racist I am?

Am I half racist or just full on? I was about to say Flapino, which I think is probably the most racist thing in the 15 minutes this has been going. Sure. I watch a lot of Jeeves and Worcester. I think you could hardly find a more 1989 British television series than Jeeves and Worcester. Here's why. The leads of the program are astonishingly good. Like they are as good of comedy performers and acting on television performers as basically anything else that's ever been.

Like I'm talking about Jeffrey Tambor on Larry Sanders' show, Level of Good. Ten out of ten stunning, perfect performances. show level of good. 10 out of 10 stunning, perfect performances. Of the rest of the people who appear on the program, I would say that 3 out of 10 seem like they came straight from the Royal Shakespeare Company. So they're weirdly out of place, but nonetheless completely compelling. 3 out of 10 are decent television actors uh and three out of ten it's as though they just asked someone's aunt to come be on the show and also please could you do an

american accent sure like the the level of acting of the less good actors on that show is so excreble like it would not cut it would not cut, it would not cut Muster as like a guest, like a four-line guest appearance on Kojak. And I'm talking about like regulars on the show are that horrible.

And so you are, it is very difficult to maintain engagement with a show where the good stuff is so exceptional. Like, these leads are so great. It's a very funny, very well-written show, very well adapted from the great novels. And like right up my alley, obviously.

But yeah, just 30, 35% of the people on there could not be more horrible. And like if you think the people doing American accents on like Downton Abbey or something are weird, the people doing American accents, it's as though they cast them and then said, do you do voices and didn't react based on whether they said yes or no. Once in a while somebody will be a completely convincing American. Generally, it is far below the level of Liam Neeson in one of those They Took My Daughter movies. Far below. Like it's sort of like Jeeves and Wooster will be blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then someone will come in and be like, are you going to drink that tea, Mr. Wooster? Oh, it's a GPS voice.

It is so like they're so like you can just see in their head. You can see you can look into their eyes and you can see their soul and imprinted on their soul is the letter R and remembering to pronounce it every time it comes up in their script. All of that is so bad. I feel like it just it implies a very low opinion of Americans. It seems like that British snobbiness against Americans comes out every time they have to do an accent. It's so silly.

Well, they always pick Western accents. Like when you hear a British person try to do, they default to like, I don't know, like cowboys. Yeah, I think that every time a British person hears

one of us talking, we might as well be saying, you know, yee-haw, get along, little doggies. There's a great show on Netflix called Danger 5 that's like a parody of, like, 70s action shows. And the cast is, I think, South Australian, but it's maybe meant to parody, like, like the avengers the british show and there's a guy on there who's the token american and his fucking british to american accent is so hilarious it's so good it's one of my favorite funny things anyway it the show also looks like it was shot on handy cams like in these stunning locations on handy cams like lit i don know, I guess maybe by like ballpark lights. You know what I mean? Like they just got, they're just like, we're going to need more lights in here.

That's a big problem. That was their solution to every. The big problem I have with watching older British TV is that it all reminds me of the PBS Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Yes. Like someone filmed a play. Yeah, there's like a green tint over all of it. Sure. Yeah.

That live action Wind in the Willows. It's just like a guy in a beaver suit. I feel like it should have the date stamped on it. Like you're watching Dad's video of a t-ball game. Like someone was filming

a t-ball game in 1989 and then turned the camera slightly to where a plot was happening. So anyway, moral of this long story about Jeeves and Worcester is, so that was Saturday that we recorded this show with the Lady of the Ladies. And I had this mysterious pain in my abdomen. And I went to bed, woke up the next day. I was like, man, my abdomen still has this mysterious pain in it.

And I went to the urgent care around 5 o'clock. And my wife was like, just go to the urgent care. I'm sure it's not a big deal, but, you know, just go in there and it won't be too long of a wait. I had to wait like three hours to see the doctor to get in in the urgent care, two hours to see the doctor. It's like 10 o'clock at night. He's pressing on my thing. He's like, I don't know. We're going to have to put you through a CT scan.

So I went through a CT scan. Oh, a Connecticut scan. Yeah. It's where they I don't know. We're going to have to put you through a CT scan. So I went through a CT scan. Oh, a Connecticut scan. Yeah. It's where they find your beach club. That's how they check for old money. Sure, yeah. And, yeah, so moral of the story is I ended up – You've got a pair of boat shoes lodged in your abdomen.

Salmon color shorts. I ended up at the emergency room 1 o'clock in the morning with appendicitis. And I sort of thought that given that they had already gone through this whole diagnostic situation, they would just like let me go to the hospital and like, a seven-hour process or something that was just a prelude to a regular nightmare emergency room visit. Jeez. Three hours to go into urgent care feels like not very urgent, you know? No. And let's be clear. Appendicitis is an urgent condition.

A burst appendix means death. Did you see who was in front of you? Yeah. Well, there was a homeless guy who wanted to use the phone. Sure. Well, that's urgent. Yeah. He seemed nice enough.

He has to call the local news to tell them to stop beaming suggestions into his brain. There was a – yeah, I like – That's who homeless guys are calling. I ended up – and then I ended up in a – I finally got a bed in the emergency room. And I'm there and I'm like, great. Well, they're going to go ahead and take out my appendix. And they're like, well, when's the last time you ate? And I'm like, well, no one told me not to eat this whole time.

And so I had eaten – I brought a few ice cream sandwiches with me. They're in my pocket. I had eaten a breakfast bar at like – well, not at breakfast for one thing. So maybe that's why they were so upset. Oh, how dangerous. This bar was eaten at the wrong time. It says breakfast.

I ate a breakfast bar at like 9 o'clock at night because it was just in my bag and I was so like tired and hungry. So a Nutri-Grain bar, a kind bar? Yeah, like a Nutri-Grain type bar. What's the brand? Well, Trader Joe's brand. OK. But it's the Trader Joe's – It was Trader Joe's This Strawberry Walks Into a Bar.

I'm familiar with that bar. I know that bar. That's a pretty good bar. I think Trader Joe's does a was Trader Joe's This Strawberry Walks Into a Bar. I'm familiar with that bar. I know that bar. That's a pretty good bar. I think Trader Joe's does a pretty good job with those bars across the board. Absolutely. And you know what? I'm going to absolve you if you're guilty. I think that's an anytime bar.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. Yeah, I play pretty fast and loose with bars. All types of bars are just energy bars. Drinking bars also? Sure, yes. Drinking bars bars? They're just energy bars? Drinking bars also? Sure, yes. Drinking bars, genius bars, all the bars.

Now, I mean, Emmy and I are coworkers. I don't want to tell tales out of school here. Radioactive bars. But around 4 o'clock, I've seen her nominate a midnight bar. I'm a total outlaw with these things. It's just a coincidence. That's the name of the show we work on. It's usually a bar that one eats after midnight.

So finally I got into – Which I realize makes that remark confusing. I got into this room. They say they're going to take my appendix out at 3.30 in the morning. So they made me do this because I have to wait six hours after eating or something. I don't even know. 3.30 in the morning. At this point, I am in an absolute,

because you can imagine, I've not eaten anything in like seven hours. I have not slept. And I usually go to bed at like 10. I have a migraine because I always have a migraine in this situation.

And I'm in this sort of daze. Oh, and at some point, they put some painkiller into me. like some classic hospital-level painkiller, which made me uncomfortably high, did not help with my pain very much, and made me break out in a cold sweat all over my body and think I was going to vomit. So that wasn't any fun. But I bet the music in the hospital just like came alive. Yeah, all that Celine Dion. Well, what's weird is

there was a 311 concert going on. Oh, well, there you go. Inside you or... Jesse, during this time... I had eaten the band 311. During this time, what color was your energy? What was the color of your energy?

Whoa. So is it the incredible journey where they get shrunken to pill size and swallowed? Yeah. The magic school bus also. What's weird is fronting the band 311 was Lily Tomlin, which I thought was an interesting choice. But definitely added to the Magic School Bus line. Give me a hit of that painkiller. It is a shame.

A lot of these, like, 90s nostalgia bands sometimes have to change lineups, so you're not getting the guys. Sometimes you just get Lily Tomlin in the 311s. Yeah. It was really disappointing when I went to see Sugar Ray and expected Mark McGrath and got Paula Poundstone. Ain't that always the way. So I ended it. So they didn't come at 3.30 in the morning. Don't know why.

By the way, I'm by myself this whole time. Not through any blame of my wife, but my wife had two small children at home who were asleep. And so we didn't think it was worth waking them up and bringing them to the hospital in the middle of the night just to kill. Just to watch daddy die. Yeah, exactly. But wait, so the wait was so that your food could digest, the one breakfast bar? Yeah.

So I had to wait until three so the food could digest. So you were like, this strawberry walks into a bar prison. Yeah, exactly. And I couldn't. I was behind bars. So you were like, this strawberry walks into a bar prison. Exactly. And I couldn't. I was behind bars, literally. Deep. Snap, snap, snap, say Zion. That's my spoken word poetry.

That's pretty good. So at 3 o'clock in the morning, they did not come for me. I did not know why. And I'm in this crazy – at this point, I'm like completely out of my mind. And as it turned out, I remained completely out of my mind. So then they – okay. So then like at like 5 o'clock in the morning, they tell me, we're not going to do your surgery right now. We're going to do your surgery like 9 o'clock in the morning.

I'm like, okay. At least my wife can come because she'll drop the kids off at school. We're going to turn on some infomercials for you. Hopefully you can get some sleep. That was like the worst part. The worst part is so, number one, I can't watch the TV because I have a migraine. Number two, I can't,

after three o'clock, after like 2.30, I couldn't do any, like I had a book with me and my phone with me, but I couldn't use them because they had stapled them all up in bags so that they could keep them while I was in surgery. Like they have this whole procedure. I had to like sign them out and sign all this stuff to check into the hospital and give

them all my credit cards so they could put them in a safe. So you're like, you're like, you said you ring the nurse and you're like, can you go in and tune to my stuff? There's a book. You'll set a bag. So just open the bag and you're like, can you go in and tune to my stuff? There's a book. It's in a bag. So just open the bag and bring me Uncle Joe's Big Bathroom Reader. That's what you were carrying around with you, right? It's a hardcover toilet-shaped book.

And it's fun facts and blonde jokes. Yeah. That song about rounding the bases with diarrhea. So they reschedule my thing to 9 a.m., right? When you're sliding into... Sorry, what happens when you're sliding into third? I'm so glad you stuck with this. I'm sorry.

So this is about a third? When you're sliding... Yes. Oh, I wish I remembered all the words to this now. Okay, sliding into third. Juicy turd. Wait, so you're sliding into first and you know you're going to burst? Yeah, yeah.

Feel something burst. Sure. Sliding into second. Yeah, what's second? Third is turd. Third has got to be turd. Is second blackened? Yeah.

When you're sliding into second and you feel... Blackened. Like you're pooping. and you feel... Bleckened. Like you're pooping. Yes. There you go. Okay. Diary. There's someone in their car right now screaming the right word.

Oh, no, no. They're tweeting at us. All those diary nerds out there. And probably you too, Emmy. Emmy, sorry in advance. Oh, that's okay. I'll take it. Yeah.

Nine o'clock comes and goes. Just don't say anything that happened on Earth Prime happened on Earth 2. I don't know about either one of those. So come at me, Twitter. I hope you don't make that mistake. Be real careful if the subject of comedy board games comes up because that is a very dicey subject. Oh, yeah. I'm just telling you some minefields here.

Oh, okay. Good to know. So nine o'clock comes and goes. I'm trying to get the woman to come and tell me what's going on. The nurses are nice enough. The daytime nurse is nicer than the nighttime nurses. The urgent care nurse is nicer than the overnight emergency care nurse. It's a worse shift.

Yeah, it's a rough job. And frankly, they probably have bigger fish to fry. I should mention they were also running a fish fry. It was like one of those, you bring a fish and we'll fry it for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my hospital is down by the creek. They're like, well, we don't have any pain medication. We have this styrofoam cooler filled with bruise.

They just underhand toss you one. They're like, you can't eat anything except night crawlers. And this coleslaw. So 9 o'clock comes and goes. Here, play this watch board. I'm not allowed to eat. I'm not allowed to eat anything. And like at like noon

maybe, my wife helps me get in a fight with him because I was not capable of getting in a fight with him. I had had to beg. The overnight nurse also didn't want to get my migraine prescription for some reason. I don't know why. Like a physical fight?

Like she weakened at Bernese you into a fight? Yeah, exactly. She was your wife and then Jonathan Silverman and they propped you up on their shoulders and made you do like spin kicks? For some reason, the overnight nurse thought I definitely wasn't allowed to have my migraine medication. And then I'm just like, well, then can I either eat or can you just do this surgery? Because the migraine is at least as bad as the abdominal pain.

And she was like, I don't know. No, you can't have anything in your stomach. It's probably just hard to take you seriously in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. That was the problem. I think that was ultimately the problem. And so anyway, the next nurse just was like, yeah, sure. What's your migraine medication? He just brought it to me.

I don't know what the difference is. Yeah, Jesse, you're going to need to abandon your 80s sex comedy lifestyle. I know. I know. I know. But I love water skiing. That's true. And scoping babes.

Yeah. So anyway, moral of the story is I finally had this surgery at 9 o'clock at night. By that point, I literally hadn't eaten for 24 hours. I was completely cross-eyed. And this is what they told me. First of all— Did you feel, feel like so skinny? I did.

Now I feel kind of sexy. Like weak but sexy. Jesse, your thighs aren't touching. And I hate you right now. So jealous. I remember when they were taking me to the surgery, I was in a gurney, you know, or a rolling hospital bed or whatever. One of those death beds. And they're pushing me through double doors. A literal death

bed. They're pushing me through double doors. Like, sorry, we were gonna have a doctor come out and tell you, but we didn't want you to find out like this, but this is a death bed. You die on this one. Yeah. And the whole time, I'm sort of having this out of... Why instead of a headboard, does it have a tombstone? Oh, yeah, yeah, this is the one you die on. The whole time they're sort of having this. Why instead of a headboard does it have a tombstone?

Oh, yeah. That's the one you die on. The whole time they're pushing me through the halls and I'm sort of having this. It's like an out of body experience. But instead of seeing myself from the third person, I was seeing what was in front of me from a point of view shot in a medical drama. As my feet pushed all of the doors open. Oh, that's cool and like the doors went past on the sides and the lights went past on the top did anybody carrying

a lot of papers do like a button you know a little like that's double stepping like out of the way it's just a guy in a softball uniform with like a with like an ice pack held up to his face shoves him against the wall and i know how you feel because over the weekend I played the Oculus Rift emergency room simulator. There you go. Which is just that. Can I tell you that

I felt like I probably had appendicitis because as a kid for some reason I played a lot of this DOS game called Life or Death that was a doctor's game.

Like you were a doctor and like the... I think it was a text game. The main thing... No, it had pictures, but they were shitty pictures, and the main thing that you could do was palpate stomachs. And so, like, I'm like, I know what's gonna happen. They're gonna palpate

my stomach and see if my lower right quadrant is tender. If it is, that means appendicitis. And then they're gonna try and enter the Minotaur's cave. Oh, wait, that was King's Quest. So, they wheel me into the operating room, which was exactly... I had never had surgery before,

and honestly, I was kind of scared of surgery. And it was exactly like that scene in Is It Meaning of Life? One of the Python movies has an extended medical parody where they're just talking about what noises the machines make. Yeah, the Python movies has an extended medical parody where they're just talking about what noises the machines make. Yeah, the little machine

that goes bing. Yeah. That's what it was. And I thought, that's funny. But then I thought, oh, it's not funny because I could die.

Sure. And then they said, you know, the doctors had sort of shook my hand in the hallway and said, oh, you know,

and Dr. Chen or whatever his name was, the anesthesiologist, is explaining to me in a very heavy accent how it's – you know, he's going to give me this – he's going to give me a sedative that's going to put me to sleep. And then he said to me, like as we pulled into the thing, he says, we're going to give you the blah, blah, blah. And he goes, that's the one Michael Jackson likes so much. Put him right to sleep. And I'm like, ah. Oh, my God. Yay.

The one that killed him? So you're. You know, the crazy guy who did that. He's saying it to me. Listen, we're not giving you a pedestrian sedative. This is a sedative fit for the king of pop. Yeah, it's not even horse strength. This is. Yeah, like, not even horse strength. This is.

Yeah, like this has to be his go-to line, right? He has to use this on everybody. And at no point did any of the other doctors or nurses say to him like, hey, Dr. Chen, remember how Michael Jackson died of sedatives? God, that's so scary. What do you think he was joking or was it like that's actually the one? I think no. I think that's so scary. What do you think he was joking? Or was it like, that's actually the one? I think no. I think that's what they gave me. Damn.

Yeah. I think he's allowed to make a joke about it, but I don't think he's allowed to tell me they're giving me a medicine that they're not giving me. You're like, whoa. You're like, just before you administer that, I'm more of a Prince fan. What does Prince take when he wants to? What keeps him so youthful? You're like, seriously, can I get some of that Rick James shit? You seem like he's having a better time.

So then I – yeah, then I woke up really confused. And my wife explained to me that as I was coming out of the surgery haze, the woman woman the nurse there was asking me these questions you know like can you stand up like do you feel this you feel that you know and apparently i only answered like 40 of them and so like she would ask a question and i would she would ask like you know i can you you know can you move your fingers or whatever and i would go she's like so just we we ask everybody this like who's the's the president? What year is it? What happens when you're sliding into third? I feel like I'm going to burst.

I'm sorry. We're going to need to hold him for a couple more hours. The answer is juicy turd. Everyone knows it's turd. Just common knowledge. And then over the PA. Does anyone know what the second one – What second?

I mean, nothing really seems to rhyme with second. So I apparently was just – they were asking me questions and I would go, yeah. And then nothing else would come out of my mouth. They'd have to like move on to the next question. And then they kicked me out of the hospital. It's a lot easier to get out of the hospital than it is to get into the surgery is what I learned. Yeah, they have down ramps.

Yeah, exactly. Were you in a wheelchair? No, I walked out, I don't know, two, three hours after the surgery. Wow. Do you feel like you've tested your limits? Do you feel like a changed man because you know that you can survive an ordeal? Yeah, I mean, it's not – I don't feel as good as when I took a man's life. Sure.

Like watching his soul sort of pass out, you know, like the fire behind his eyes die and sort of disappear. And knowing that I was the one extinguishing it is probably the most transformed I've ever felt. Because it means that I have a godlike power. Sure, yeah. You know. Yeah, yeah.

You're the master of life and death. Yeah, perfectly normal human experience. Well, I wouldn't say I'm the master of life and death, but I got pretty good at it, playing it on my mom's IBM PC. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. The thing, I was surprised to learn that by far the thing that upset me the most about it was the presence of staples in my body. Oh, yeah. Because?

Because the customer service is so bad there. Yeah. You're like, I don't know if there's someone in my body being rude right now. I. Just trying to buy a thing of red vines. Sorry. It just doesn't feel like a medical instrument, a staple. Sure.

It feels like a cubicle instrument. Yes. It doesn't seem like the right thing. I bet the medical staples are different. What if they just called them something different? Because I'm sure it's not just a staple you would buy at Staples. They're probably a medical grade. Would you rather them be called, you know?

They're still made by Swingline, though, right? Yeah, gut fasteners or something. Yeah, I was going to say something with fasteners, too. But it would be great to see the doctor pry open the back half so you can get that good long stapler. And do that thing like when you're trying to hang up a poster where you just smack it. Where you just smack it against the wall. He's like, I can get this in one. Nurse, he just doesn't have the abs.

There's too much give here. Did you see your appendix before they put it in the dumpster out back? No, I've heard that sometimes they even give it to you. You should make a tea out of it. A cleansing tea. That is true. That's what cats do when they get their appendixes out. I think that's what Gwyneth Paltrow does to stay the weird alien she is.

Yeah, it was an interesting experience. She throws on her $100 t-shirt, makes a little appendix T. Takes a little bite. And then tries to live on food stamps for two hours. Yeah, so I was going to be in Brooklyn as we record this, but I am not in Brooklyn. I couldn't go to the show at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. My apologies. Because they're racist against people who have no appendixes?

Well, because I would have set off the metal detectors at the airport. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and I couldn't get the paperwork. You know, they find those staples with that hand wand, you know. Also, they put in a metal replacement appendix oh okay yeah oh boy would you say you're more machine than man i'm like 50 50 at this point i'm a i'm definitely an android yeah cyborg sorry please do not tweet me which which uh which fingers can fire lasers now i like every other finger that's good so. So it's like, it's thumb,

middle, pinky on my right hand and then pointer and ring on my left hand. It's like how you figure out which months are short and which months are long. Yeah,

or which ones you should eat oysters. I actually had, I actually had a pearl surgically inserted into my cavity. Oh, that's beautiful.

It is really beautiful. I mean, it's, to me, it's like a, it's not so much about the value of the pearl, though it's a very valuable pearl. It's like a lesson about what we do when life gets gritty. You know what I mean? Sure.

You know what I mean, Emmy? When life gives you lemons. Yeah. Put a pearl inside your body. Exactly. Roll them around with other detritus from the seaf a pearl inside your body. Exactly. Roll them around with other detritus from the seafloor inside your body until the lemon

becomes shiny. Perfect. And opalescent. Yes. And then your wife cut her hair, but you got her a comb. Yeah, exactly. Wait. Oh, Henry! By the way, I'm eating an Oh Henry bar, despite the fact that I am reading Steinbeck.

Took me a minute to pull the name of a different short story writer. Anyway, so I'm just trying to say I'm a bar outlaw, too. I mean, I'm not. You're not the only one. Way to go. I really like how that one bar figures into this story. I'm stronger than ever. Yeah. Are you now going, going forward? Are you going to eat more or less Trader Joe's breakfast bars? More? I mean, because I associate them with becoming

more powerful and it's great. And testing your limits, access to medical care or defying the medical system, which if you ask me, America's health care system is broken. I mean, if we can't get a single breakfast bar out of a dying man, what can we do? Exactly. I actually called the White House. I said, you have something to answer for. President Nobama. Oh, boy. President Barack Nobama.

Did you think of that beforehand or did you just come up with that on the spot? Because that's good. Barack Nobama? Yeah. I had written that in my journal. Okay. That's B apostrophe I-R-A-Q, right? Barack?

Yeah. Great. Got us into that war. Yeah, boy. What a quagmire. You know what I'm talking about. I know the one. Talking quags.

Do you have any pain? Do you have, like, access to pain? Did they give you Valium or something? They did. They gave me something called Norco. Hmm. I haven't heard of that one. Yeah, it's like a Valium-type deal.

It doesn't... I found it binding. Mm-hmm. I would say that's its number one effect on me. Is to your poops? Yeah. It's binding your poops? Besides that, I can't recommend it.

Okay. Oh, you like the poop binding. No. That's a positive. You're like, other than the poop binding. Besides feeling totally blocked up inside. I had just been rounding third. Oh, sure.

Yeah, I mean, I got some painkillers, but it's hard. I don't enjoy them that much. I don't enjoy being out of my mind particularly. I think I don't trust it enough to enjoy it. Painkillers are not my

substantive choice either. The one time I took them for a wisdom tooth removal surgery, I fell asleep on top of my mom's car keys and woke up with like a really deep imprint of them in my hip. I didn't feel a thing. And I was like, this isn't like the fun kind of drugs where you wake up with like a Shaw's rewards card, like just Shaw's is a grocery store in the new england region where you wake up with one of those just fused to your thigh fat like that's not cool but i mean you get i mean the positive is like you don't have to bring it to the library when you want books

scan my thigh yeah the barcode just hold it up to my ass sweetheart yeah i mean this is maybe you know this this suggestion might be inappropriate, and I apologize if I'm, you know, being inappropriate with the suggestion. But have you tried snorting them? Yeah, have you tried just cramming it up your ass? It'll get right into your bloodstream. And then you can enjoy the rest of the 311 concert. Yeah. Maybe try, you know.

Selling them on Craigslist. Yeah, selling them on Craigslist. Maybe, you know, sendelling them on Craigslist. Yeah, selling them on Craigslist. Maybe, you know, send the kids somewhere for the night. I don't know where the kids go for the night. Pull one out of my butt and see what happens. I was going to say, give one to the wife, one to the dog, one to the dog, one to the other dog. One to the wife. You take one.

Enjoy a little lovemaking. Oh. You know, just with a nice intimate buzz. You know that I can't move my abdomen, right? Oh yeah, you just lay there. Oh, okay. Yeah. You just vibrate next to each other in the bed. I literally have to get

doctor's permission to engage in sexual activity. Teresa needs to see a note. I mean, that was also the case before because of the level of chlamydia that I had. Yeah, of course. You got to pick up that phone. Dr. Goldstein, can I fuck my wife? Is it still gross down there?

Oh, yeah, it is. Go to town, my friend. Funkier than ever. And then you high five over the phone. So, yeah, I mean, mostly I've spent the last four days outside of shooting a video yesterday to play at this show in Brooklyn that I'm not going to be at. I spent the last four days lying backwards on the couch watching the Antiques Roadshow on the PBS app on my Xbox 360. That's fun. That's going to be the first. The first Xbox Antiques Roadshow on the PBS app on my Xbox 360. That's fun. That's got to be the first Xbox Antiques Roadshow where those roads cross.

What's nice about it is that it is really the perfect show for sliding into and out of consciousness. Yeah, I think that's a thing about being sick or being in a lot of pain. You're like, well, I'm home. I can just do those things that I wish I was at home. I can catch up on a show. I could do some reading. But those don't work when you are in so much pain. So you just have to, right, exactly, find a show or something that you could have on that distracts enough but you can zone in and out of.

Yeah, what's nice about the Antiques Roadshow specifically, I mean, I love the Antiques Roadshow one way or another, straight or sober. I love the Roadshow. But I think what's nice about it is, first of all, it's modular. What happens in segment one doesn't affect what happens in segment three. Exactly. Any given three minutes of the Antiques Roadshow is essentially a standalone. But I think that's a mistake for them. I mean, think connective universes are so big these days.

Right. I mean, I think that they should be building a larger narrative that maybe can cross over into other PBS shows. Do you think they could build some sort of meta-narrative? Do you think it would be possible for them to develop an ARG? Oh, like by meta-narrative, do you mean like they can somehow comment on the production of the show and like problems it's having or like PBS management? Like having a character that is a – Yeah, like professional wrestling.

Yeah, like – Like a Vince McMahon type character. Sure, having a character that is a surrogate or a McMahon-type figure, Vince McMahon-type figure, than he is as the host of the show. Like, if they had him lording over the universe of and, like, hiring and firing the appraisers, like, setting feuds together. And then you also kind of get a little bit of a peek into the writer's room, but you do not break what is called kayfabe. That's antiques fabe. Yeah.

I think you could probably turn up the drama on that. At the very least, I would like a Marilyn Manson parody. We're all stars now in the road show. I think that's what's missing. Has anyone done that? I don't know. I need a crotchless antiques dealer. I mean, I think the – listen.

The idea is basically perfect. It's basically perfect other than the fact that there is no audience for it. Right. I mean, it's us. Yeah, this room. We're all here. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, everybody.

It's Barbara from the Lady to Lady podcast. And Brandy, also from the Lady to Lady podcast. What? We are going on a tour in the Pacific Northwest starting May 11th, and we're coming to a bunch of cities. Where are we going? We're going to Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon, Salem, Oregon, Eureka, California, Oakland, California, Ventura, California, and stop in at the tour in Los Angeles at the UCB Sunset on May 23rd. Ooh, and I just think you can get your tickets and info at ladytoladycomedy.com. You are correct, Barb! Wow, let's go get our tickets now and we'll see you out there. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, there cool man shitting dog was my alt well i could go shitting dog or a more specific

rhyme your shitting dog i mean can we get some alts on that nickname uh majestic uh pooping pit yeah let's go with that okay a lot of poop on this episode yeah you know i was just feeling i was just feeling proud of myself thinking before the show, like, you know, we do a lot of dick jokes on Jordan, Jesse, go. There's a lot of sex stuff, but we do generally stay away from the poop and pee stuff. It's because we're running a pretty classy operation. That's just all poop all the time. Broadening our horizons. Yeah, sure. Yeah. That's a sweet way to look at it. Sure. Lou Diamond Phillips, I looked it up on Wikipedia during the break.

Half Filipino, half Scotch-Irish with some Spanish ancestry. Oh, there you go. Well, he's one of entertainment's great half Filipinos. There you go. Along with our friend Brent Weinbach and, of course, Rob Schneider. Oh, but I did not look up what happened when you slide into second. Let's just hold it. There you go. Along with our friend Brent Weinbach and of course Rob Schneider. Oh, but I did not look up what happened when you slide into second. Let's just hold it. You guys chat. I'm going to type in sliding. What's going on with you and me?

This is the great cliffhanger of this episode. You know. Hmm. This is... I'm so distracted by the suspense of what happens when you slide into second. I was going to say sliding – okay. So Google completed it for me. Sliding into second and you feel – let's see. Sliding into first. Bleckened. Greasy. What is bleckened?

And you feel – I was going to say you feel like Barbra by the way, on this website, I can download full version diarrhea song. When you're sliding into two and your pants are filled with goo. That seems wrong. That seems like they fucking, that's a retcon situation. It feels like bending the format to go first and third, but then to call second two. Right. And also, is goo the way you want to go with that rhyme? Because here's the thing.

Like, how much goo do you have to eat? Goo being that kind of like energy substance that runners eat? Oh, it's G-U with an umlaut. Goo. How much goo do you have to eat in order for that to be what comes out of your body? Well, I mean, and does it come out

in its original form anyway? I've never tried goo. I'm going into some shady websites. When you're sliding in the shower and you feel something sour? No, no. Oh, boy. They're getting colder and colder.

Who plays a baseball game in the shower? Don't shoot the messenger. Don't shoot the messenger. Don't shoot the messenger. Can we talk about goo a little more? Sure, please. I have never tried goo. I'm going to. By the way, now I'm on diareasong.blogspot.com.

You guys want to head over there? You're going to make this the number one song on iTunes by then. Yeah. I've never had the lifestyle to merit buying and consuming goo, but I'm dying to know what it's like. You're more of a bar chick. I'm definitely a bar chick because there are bars that are for lazy people who don't want to make meals. But there's no goo. Goo is specifically to squeeze into your mouth while you hike up a mountain.

Imagine Gatorade that's the consistency of Go-Gurt. I'm still processing what that is. So, oh, okay. And I know this not because I have ever been in a situation where I needed a quick burst of energy. To be fair, like my lifestyle demands like a sustained four out of 10 level of energy at best. And I'm really comfortable sustaining it with just chicharrones. I once ate something called – I think it was called a builder bar. And I didn't look at what any of the packaging said until after it was gone.

But it was like 360 calories, like 48 grams of protein. And I was like, I haven't exercised in six years. Why am I? Oh, I don't deserve this. Boy, okay. I'm no closer to an answer. This website, which is called odps.org slash glossword, is when you, sorry, come to your home, when you're sliding into second, and your shorts are fuller than you've reckoned. Oh, my God.

All of these are such a stretch. Than you have reckoned or than you had reckoned? Than you've, with an apostrophe. It seems like you'd reckoned. Than you've reckoned. Well, how would you even know if they're... Oh, yeah, there's some conjugation problems, Jesse. Shit Reckoners sounds like a reality show. Or something that Chuck Norris would have played in the 80s.

Yes, perfect. Chuck Norris, Shit Reckoners. Let's get off of this topic. I don't care for it. No, we can move on. I don't care for it. I want to talk about, I don't know, a novelty food product or something. I mean, at work, I got a little bit of a story from you, but maybe I feel like not the whole thing, that you recently purchased a men's-only hangover tea.

Yes, exactly. I was excited about this podcast because it's in the same neighborhood as where I purchased the men's-only hangover tea. There are a few really good korean grocery stores around here uh and they sell this it's raisin tea uh when you google it very little comes up it's like there's not a lot like a good diarrhea song apparently yeah it's as much a mystery as what happens when you slide into second. Sliding into first and you can't figure out the verse. Sure. It's a black hole, like second base when you have diarrhea. Sure. Information-wise.

But it's like— Now, why is this something that you were looking for? Is this something that you had in the past? What brought it to your attention? You were just looking for dried squid. I actually did for dried squid. before and uh the they have like green tea that comes in a bottle that's like good and strong and it's unsweetened and it's really delicious and i usually buy like a big bottle of that and next to it there was barley tea and raisin tea so i bought one of all of them uh barley tea is kind of good

yeah barley tea is all right uh but the raisin one is really delicious and i didn't realize until i got home that it says it's for men in big that it says, it's for men. In big white letters, it says, it's for men. And then on the back, it says, it's a cure for hangovers. Now, would you say that, do you think that the reason that it's for men is because of its pH balance? Probably. I mean, I don't know. It could be that it's just strong enough for a man, is what I'm throwing out there. Sure. But, you know, like the deodorant, good enough for a woman, too. Sure. This is a fun sort of rule-bending thing for me to just sit at home chugging this dude tea.

How have you been feeling? Have you been feeling more masculine? Well, my erections are harder than ever before. Okay. No, I don't feel any different. But it is really tasty. Does it claim to help the... I mean, what kind of information

are you getting from the box? Almost none. Okay. How's your Korean? It is non-existent. I don't know. I really wish I'd brought some here. If I'd known we were going to talk about it,

I would have. But... Why do you say that it's raisin tea? Are there pictures of raisins on it? That's what the bottle says. I don't know if that means... I'm wondering if they have a different take on raisins

because it's a big picture of a tree on the front. I don't know. That's on our box of raisins as well. But it doesn't taste like raisins specifically. Raisins don't grow on trees. I'm learning something new every day.

Have you tried it to use it to combat a hangover? Sort of. I'll have it whenever you would want a beverage. Sure. And it's just good. Yeah. Does it taste like raisins? Not really.

Does it taste like prunes, which do grow on trees? No. It tastes sort of like a sweet cardboard. But I don't know why it is enjoyable. It does sound nice. Yeah. I mean, probably because of the sweetness, it makes that enjoyable. But it's a very delicate sweetness.

It doesn't have sugar in it. Oh. It's like a natural, like a honey. Trees. Sugar, yeah. Like a natural honeyed cardboard. Something with a sap? Does it taste sappy at all? It might have a touch of sap.

I googled because I was like, well, where does this come from and why is it a dude tea and all of that? And there's almost nothing out there that I could find. It's unfortunate that Emmy isn't here last week. Last week we had Colin Marshall on the board. Colin Marshall speaks Korean. Oh boy. I'm curious about it. If anybody from Twitter

is going to get active about anything we talk about, I hope somebody's got some info on this raisin man tea. Yeah, no, it's interesting. I wonder maybe it's interesting. I wonder... Yeah, maybe it's just...

I mean, maybe it could be a cultural thing. It could be that men are the more hungover gender. Possibly. Yeah. I saw... I had a weird what-the-fuck-does-this-mean moment today looking at some text.

If you guys are kind of noticing an effervescence about me. I was. I just assumed that you maybe had been drinking some champagne before the show. Well, funny you should mention that. I'm just coming off of Mother's Day brunch. So if you're sensing an energy, a kind of excitement, it's because I'm coming off that. Because she just told you you're the most handsome boy in the world. And guys, I don't want to get braggy here.

Hashtag humble brag. But my mom's very proud of me. So yeah, I got that energy. I got that brunchy, chit-chatty, what-have-you-been-up-to energy. And I'm just glad to have somewhere to channel it, like at you guys. That's good. Guys, let's dish. Yeah.

And it's very nice. My sister lived in Orange County before, and now she lives in L.A., so we kind of have my mom outnumbered as far as where we meet up. Plus it's your special day. Plus it's my special day. It was a combo Mother's Day belated birthday. Gotcha. So mom's coming up here.

I picked the spot. And I think I got the, like, Mother's Day one-two punch of a successful restaurant. Not only did she say, this place is really cute, but also this place is a little funky. That is – that's the greatest gift you can give a parent when you go out somewhere is to make them feel a little cool. Yeah, exactly. And I think that we, you know, as cosmopolitan types, we really take for granted that maybe there are places in America where everything is not served in a mason jar. So when you go to a restaurant and you get a cocktail in a mason jar, it can be pretty revolutionary. Can I admit something to you?

Please. I accidentally let my subscription to Cosmopolitan lapse. Jesse. I can update you guys because I just bought this month's issue. Okay. And there's a page in it that says, the headline is, it's not the headline, it's the article header. It says, they like blowjobs. And then it says, hold on, let me read this.

Let me get this down verbatim. What's they? The reds? They is men, as you will find out in the first sentence of the information. Take a picture of this because it was so useful. They like blowjobs. Ninety percent of men like blowjobs, at least, quote, unquote, somewhat. And about 50 percent like them very much, studies have found.

Wait. I paid $4 for this. Who are they asking this to? Presumably psychology grad students, right? Yeah, they go to a mall with a clipboard and they go like, somewhat or very much? Somewhat or very much? board and they go like, somewhat or very much, somewhat or very much. Okay.

Now, listen. I know that everybody's got a different deal in the bedroom. Sure. And to some people, I know that the blowjob is the main event and I know for some people it's more foreplay. But even if that's the case, who's not saying very much? You know? Anyway. Yeah, it's people who are really uncomfortable with themselves that will maybe – I guess I'll go with somewhat.

I find blowjobs tolerable. What number should I give you for tolerable? Yeah. Not unpleasant. Yeah. And then they issue a bulletin to Women of America. Preferable to slamming my hand in the car door. I find them about as enjoyable as a later episode of How I Met Your Mother.

Pleasant. Affable. Yeah. And I certainly have a certain fondness for those involved. Good performances. Yeah. Strong performances. Maybe, strong performances. Maybe they were spinning their wheels a little bit toward the end.

Sure. Are we still talking about blowjobs? I don't remember. But yeah, so this brunch place we went to had an unlimited mimosa option. Fuck yeah. But their caveat, and this was on the menu. Los Angeles wins again, by the way. New York has cracked down on unlimited mimosas.

Oh, that's right. I heard that because I hear it was getting like rowdy, right? The places that do that in New York are just total like douche hives. Like they turn into festering asshole. They turn into a festering asshole. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, you actually just came from New York. Can you confirm that these brunches were getting out of control? Yeah. Did you ever witness it up close? I recall a story that got picked up by a bunch of local news places of unlimited brunch place where people were getting so wasted in the middle of the day that they would like pass out in the street and barf on expensive cars and

it was a lot of you know it was like a nightclub that was serving brunch it's the wrong it gets the wrong kind of people excited sure so the bridge and tunnel crowd am I right guys I heard about it on NY one it's a popular local television station. It's the best local television station.

I still have a subscription to New York Magazine. But this menu, they have unlimited mimoso. And the caveat on the menu was, everyone at table must participate. So I guess this

place does not allow for you guys having a drug or a designated driver or the fact that you would ever eat with a sober person that's crazy yeah i like that like you're in or you're fucking out you're a jet you're a jet yeah i mean part of me thinks like well that's really inconvenient and inconvenient and it probably makes some people feel excluded. But also like you have to admire the like balls to the wall like we're all doing this. Like we're all getting drunk at 11. Anyway. It's pretty fun.

Plus they won't get scurvy. Yeah, totally. That's probably what it's about. It's probably about preventing scurvy. Yeah, that's true too. You know, were there a lot of members of the British Navy there? Yeah, there were. And their mothers. That's so sweet.

Having some hard tack together. Yeah, a little time on land. Yeah. I will confess right out here. I have never done unlimited mimosas at brunch. Really? I like a brunch. I like a nice brunch. I like a nice brunch with friends. You like brunch. Really? I like a brunch. I like a nice brunch.

I like a nice brunch with friends. You like mimosas? I like them okay, yeah. Mimosas are kind of nice. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm a non-drinker. I've tasted a mimosa. Yeah, they're delightful.

Yeah, they have a pleasant quality to them. I don't like when people hate on brunch too hard. I understand that it is an obnoxious white people thing. Sure. But it's just enjoyable, and everybody's got to calm down a little. You know, I feel you. I feel you too because I recognize the ridiculousness of brunch culture as it stands. Yes.

And yes, it's silly and yes, it's silly to wait in line. But brunch is most often delicious. Anyway. I'm much too hungry to enjoy brunch. Yeah. I'm against brunch but not on principle for purely practical reasons. Well. I am far too hungry to enjoy brunch.

Have a bar. Well, that's what I literally have to – this is how I eat brunch. My wife likes brunch like all middle class women in America do. And so if I'm going to have brunch, I have to push it back to 1130 or noon. And I just eat a full breakfast when I wake up. Sure. And then I just hope they'll let me order off a lunch menu. I feel a little bit – I mean this is an imperfect comparison, but I feel a little bit like the aggression towards brunch is a little bit like the aggression towards Wes Anderson movies.

Yeah. People are real mad towards Wes Anderson movies. Yeah. You know, like people are real mad at Wes Anderson movies. And it's like, okay. Is this silly? Of course this is silly. Is this for whites only? Yes, this is for whites only. Is this great? It's pretty great.

Yeah. So let's, I don't know, let's... For whites and Danny Glover. For whites and Danny Glover. Donald Glover? Donald Glover? Donald Glover? He's probably – he probably – I bet he likes Brunch and Wes Anderson movies. Yeah.

Yeah. So anyway, it's like, yes, yes. I agree is that the – I can understand teasing something, but sometimes it goes too far into hatred. Yes. Yeah. The backlash. Yeah. Also, the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man movies. Lay off them. They were fine.

Did you get good and wasted with your mom at brunch? You know, I think this is something we mentioned on the show before. I am a little afraid to drink in front of my parents. My mom was a non-drinker throughout my growings up. Me too. Yeah. And she recently, she got remarried and occasionally I'll go over to their house

and I'll see a little half empty bottle of wine and, you know, I know mom's husband, Brad, likes a, you know, a craft beer. He likes a fine scotch.

So I think my mom has come around on drinking. I think she can do it socially and do it for fun. My dad had alcohol problems so I think it was not fun for her to drink

because I think she associated with there being a problem later. That makes great sense. Now she associates it with Brad having more fun with his trombone solos. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, man. The solos get way too... Brad plays the trombone, and yeah, when Brad's had a couple, you know,

it gets dirtier, but it gets... Throws on one of those Tower of Power records, starts playing along. Yum, yum. I had a similar. My mom would do a glass of wine here and there. My dad didn't drink at all. And then once the kids are out of the house and stuff, I remember I came home and saw a bottle of Grey Goose in the freezer.

Hey, oh. Premium, the good stuff. Oh, yeah, she's treating herself. Your mom sounds like a classy lady. She's fun. She's like, you know what takes the edge off a day? A glass of vodka. Classic mom.

Yeah. It's like this is a whole new person. Yeah. But no, I feel like I should – I feel like I want to get over that hump though. I feel like I want to be – I think what has to happen is we have to go to dinner and I have to be the one to instigate it. I have to be the one to be like, oh, guys, we've got to try the Moscow mules here. That is a great drink. And then everybody will try one.

Yeah. Anyway. But I don't know. I still am a little bit – like I also don't like to swear in front of my parents. I do a lot of casual swearing, you know, in my day-to-day life. It's weird. I've never heard you swear on this show. Oh, I don know, in my day-to-day life. It's weird. I've never heard you swear on this show. Oh, I don't consider this my day-to-day life. I consider this a fantasy zone. Is that why you're constantly talking about Mulder dating Scully?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. This podcast is not in continuity with my life. It's a what if. I guess, yeah, you ease on the brakes a little bit on all your cool guy habits. Sure. That makes sense. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah, I think I should start drinking and swearing in front of my mom. I think you should also start riding your motorcycle on the podcast. Yeah, that might be, yeah.

Do you think we can set up a recording equipment as I tear down, you know, Highway 66? Yeah, have the guest be your hog. And what about the open road? Oh, yeah, there it is. Every guest on Jordan Jesse Go is the open road and the American spirit. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Ty is a pedantic person.

I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way. Gyro. Gyro. Sacrebleu. Sacrebleu. Ayers Rock. Uluru. Uluru.

What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with real cases. They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court, the real people's court. Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's internet court. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. you download podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emmy Blotnick, regal beagle. So when something momentous happens to you, say you get your appendix out, you should have our phone number, 206-984-4FUN, in your telephone, ready to go, so that as soon as you come out of that Michael Jackson haze,

you can press go on your telephone, call in, and share with us what just happened to you for our segment, Momentous Occasions. We've got two calls on the line here. Let's take the first one. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Chris calling from Philadelphia. I was just walking down the street, and

this kid was in the front basket of this guy's bike. It was a really big front basket, and he was brandishing a Nerf gun, and he just screams Nerf or nothing! So that was pretty neat.

Is the slogan for Nerf still Nerf or nothing? Was that the slogan for Nerf before? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's up there with the great slogans of my youth. Nerf or nothing. You'll get stuck in the crossfire. Genesis does what Nintendo don't.

Yeah. Gonna do it in the crossfire, crossfire. You get caught up in the... I feel like I was seeing that commercial up until very recently. I think they haven't changed a thing about it. It's the same kid. They probably run that at movie theaters even right now. Sure.

Before the main program, you know. Right. As the main program. You got to get them kids juiced for Crossfire. I remember there were some Nerf products, like the scoops where you would throw, it's like some kind of squishy ball in a plastic scoop. Oh, yeah. And in that instance, I would choose nothing.

It's Nerf or nothing? Oh, I'm good. Thank you. Yes, exactly. I'll have nothing. No, thank you's Nerf or nothing? Oh, I'm good. Thank you. Yes, exactly. I'll have nothing. No, thank you, Nerf. There's a whole – at the Target, I went to the Target to try and buy a birthday present for a child. It was a very difficult challenge.

Too many things to choose from. Well, yeah. I mean, police, you don't want to just buy them a random toy because that's sort of an imposition to just introduce a random. So you want to buy like a book or something. But Target has- How old is this child? How old are we talking? We're talking about three-year-olds. Okay.

And we're talking about a selection of books at the Target. They have like six books. But bookstores don't really exist anymore. So you're either you planned ahead or you're going to the Target to buy one of the six books they have on offer. Oh, Agatha Christie novels. I mean, I think at Target it's all Dr. Oz related things, right? Oh, you're right.

Yeah, but they do take their credit. But Dr. Oz has some great children's books. If Garth Brooks has a book, it's there. They translate that superfoods book into a board book really nicely. Oh, yeah, sure. It really translates nicely. And it's nice that they did a pat the bunny thing to where you can pat Dr. Oz. Yeah. And it's nice that they did a pat the bunny thing to where you can pat Dr. Oz. Tactile. Exactly.

And you can actually scratch and sniff the acai berries. Feel his bald spot. I quickly glanced in the toy section to see if I can come up with some kind of toy that wouldn't be an insult. Because you don't want to... This is one of the kids'

friends. Yeah, you don't want to get involved in anything that's going to be, you know, that's going to have, like, surprises or small pieces or, you know, if you're going to pick something, you've got to pick... Or like a talking toy that might say something sexist. Exactly. Sure. If you're going to pick a toy, you either want to know exactly

what's going on or you just want to pick wooden car. You know what I mean? Yeah, not the press my stomach, women shouldn't vote. Yeah, do not get tickled me out of Corolla. So the um

They slow things down in the writer's room. Um, the uh Who's this for? Put things down in the writer's room. Who's this for? Adam Carolla's kids. Dad's on a business trip. It's like he's here. There's a whole aisle of nerf shit in the Target. I will also notice the Nerfs when I go to Target, and the advancements in Nerf technology are staggering.

They have laser sights on these things now. Assault weapons? And what's crazy is – Yeah, I know. There's no – Just like Daddy's gun. There's an entire aisle of it. Daddy's in the militia, by the way. And none of the things are Nerf balls.

Like if you're looking for a Nerf football... It's all darts and arrows, right? It's all guns! Yeah. It's just guns, guns, guns, guns, guns. Like, repeater guns, gatling guns with chains. Sniper rifles, yeah. Like, yeah, guns where you, like, first you dip it in poison

and then you shoot it at somebody. I remember the great arms race when I was growing up was super soakers. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. You started out with the super soaker 50 and you're like, it's not going to get any better than this. This is it. This is peak.

But you were wrong. You were wrong. And then I feel like if they introduced the super soaker when I was six, by eight, I was like wearing a backpack. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. I remember I had a super soaker, or it might have been my brother's, but I had a super soaker where when you filled it with water, it was so heavy I couldn't pump it to shoot it. They made them gigantic, like the coolers you dump on a coach, but it was supposed to sit on your shoulder with a trigger.

Mine, you had to plug into a portable diesel generator. I mean, it was insane. I lived in mine for five years. Yeah, mine had a separate outhouse. I thought a Nerf ball might be a good gift. Difficult to obtain. Okay, let's take our next call. Wait, so what did you end up getting?

Yeah, I was going to ask the same thing. I don't know. Good night, good night Construction Site or whatever. What's that? It's just a kid's book a kid's like. It's fine. Yeah. It's not great.

Good Night, Good Night Construction Site is a homeless man's lullaby. It teaches them about backhoes. It's a solid B. Maybe I got, I mean, what you're, the thing is, is like they only got these six books and they probably already got those books. You know what I mean? Yeah. Other lazy gift picker outers like you. You know what I mean? Yeah. Other lazy gift picker

outers like you. You know what I'm going to do? Just get the kid. Just get the kid some tea candles and some bath salts. Yeah. My first raisin tea. I need the drug. Like those candles and then eat their roommates. I think what I'm going to do there's this. Some lotion from

Bath and Body Works. Here's a bro tip for all you do, there's this— Some lotion from Bath and Body Works. Here's a pro tip for all you parents. There's this book called Who Needs Donuts? It's written by—do you remember this alternative weekly cartoonist who made this cartoon called Washington? No. Okay. Well, it's one of those alternative newspaper cartoons where it's just baffling. There's no joke in it.

It's just confusing. And he made this book called Who Needs Donuts? It's about this boy, and the boy is a donut collector. And he moves away from his family to the city so he can collect more donuts. And he's lonely, but he finds this father figure who's a donut collector. And suddenly he gets introduced to his world of his donut vault where he's got so many donuts he doesn't even know what to do. But then the dad figure falls in love with this woman named Pretzel Annie

who's really into pretzels. And so the dad guy gets into pretzels and he abandons donuts and leaves all the donuts to this kid. Sounds like a real Game of Thrones situation. Yeah. And then the kid, anyway, the kid ends up saving this old lady and he learns that love is more important than donuts. I still haven't learned that.

This book is amazing. Almost all children's books are terrible. Those both sound like slurs for fat people to me. Donut collectors and pretzel annies. Oh, boy. Check out the pretzel annie over there. Yeah, there's a real donut collector. Like, basically, I found that there's three categories of children's books.

Maybe we could go on Reddit and try to get them to replace Ham Planet. What's Ham Planet? What people on Reddit call fat people. Oh, God. You know, because the world's a toilet. Yes, yes, yes. Well, here we are adding to the toilet. One percent of children's books are Maury Sendak books.

Those are amazing. Yeah, instant masterpieces. And then 10 percent of children's books are goodnight, goodnight construction site where its greatest quality is its inoffensiveness. Like it's not actively unpleasant. Like the meter is consistent throughout the book and if it rhymes and that kind of thing. The illustrations are kind of cute and it's like about trains or construction or princesses or whatever it is that children like, right? That's like 10%. And then 85% of books for children are nightmarishly garbage.

Like they're a level of garbage that is so astonishing, you can't even believe it's real. And so my plan, I found this one book, and then everybody already has all the more. You know, there's not any kids out there who don't have Where the Wild Things Are, right? Yeah. And so my plan.

Yeah, they just give you that to the hospital when you're taking the kid home. Exactly. And it's good for them because it's fucking amazing. I'm like moved by it every time I open it. But then, I got this Who Needs Donuts? This book is amazing. And it's really weird. Like, it's a genuinely strange book.

And I don't think other people's children have it. And I think that some of their parents might not let them have it because it's too weird. But it's amazing. So I think I'm just gonna parents might not let them have it because it's too weird. But it's amazing. So I think I'm just going to buy like 15 copies of it. Just every kid. Oh, at every birthday party?

Every birthday party. I'm just going to keep them in the garage. I mean, or, I mean, I imagine this is not something you could get at Target. But, I mean, if you go to Target, I really love Read Along with Kathy Lee and Hoda. Yeah. It's great. It is. It's another nice.

It's just kids learning how to spell Chardonnay over and over again. We got one more call. Let's hear it. Hey, guys. It's Mike here. I'm doing a bike trip, a cycling trip between Memphis and New Orleans. And I don't know. I'm about halfway, I guess, now.

I've been riding along today and see some really strange things along the road today. A couple of dead coyotes, a dead dog, and a dead armadillo. And then just a minute ago, right in the middle of the road, was a pair of woman's panties, purple panties, full of shit. Sorry, Colin. And next to them was a pair of jeans. It is Sunday, so I'm wondering if somebody had an accident maybe drinking last night, but to be honest,

the shit looked a little fresh and it's about 3 o'clock, so 3 o'clock in the afternoon. So, yeah, I'm kind of thinking maybe somebody had an accident driving down the road and just had to get rid of the evidence. Anyways, love the show, guys. I'm going to leave aside the matter of the fecal. Did this caller sound like he was a British actor doing an American accent? I was going to say, he has that alien.

That's right, I'm doing a bike trip. Yeah. New Orleans. New Orleans. New Orleans, as they call it. Tamanthus. You know? Yeah, that's right. New Orleans. From New Orleans. New Orleans. New Orleans, as they call it. Tamanthus. Armadillo. Yellow, that's right.

There were like three more vowels on the end of Armadillo. I think it was an E-A-U-X. Like, we're up in San Diego. Jordan, can I tell you my idea for how we're going to get rich? Oh, sure. Here's something that I... I'm already rich. You are?

Yeah. In spirit. And love. And chardonnay. And chardonnay. Buttery and love and chardonnay and chardonnay buttery buttery chardonnay are you like an okie or a buttery chardonnay oh it's got to be a buttery one right yeah sure yeah okie chardonnay can go to hell suck my dick okie chardonnay here's my idea have you ever watched uh if you ever watch a professional basketball game or a football game and you see like the halftime and pregame show? Where it's like a white guy.

It's usually a white guy. There's a couple black guys. But usually it's like a white guy who's like a sports broadcaster. And then there's like one old coach. And then there's two retired athletes whose job it is to spout nonsense. You know what I'm talking about? This is what Shaq does these days, right? So this is my – here's my pitch.

I've been watching my favorite basketball team, the Warriors, during the NBA playoffs. So I've been making the effort to watch them through strictly legal means, of course. And they have the Shaq. So the halftime show is it's Shaq, Charles Barkley, a normal former basketball player, and a sports guy. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know, Marv Albert or something. That's what passes for normal in these situations. But, yeah, like a broadcaster guy.

That's what passes for normal in these situations. But yeah, like a broadcaster guy. One guy who I think I want to say it's a former NBA player. And I think he generally gives actual insights into the game. And then Charles Barkley and Shaq just mumble drunkenly nonsense phrases. And I thought, you know, that is as a really specific demographic, the NBA halftime show. But Shaq and Charles Barkley have a lot of crossover appeal. What if we put together... Oh, yeah, Shaq's in all those Adam Sandler movies.

Yeah. What if we put together, like, you know how the Today Show's been struggling or, like, you know, CBS This Morning always has a hard time. Like, what do we do with Charlie Rose? He's already drunk. Oh, man. Do you guys want to hear a best thing I've seen on CBS This Morning lately story? Oh, of course. Real quick.

So they were doing it. I really like CBS This Morning. I like to turn it on while I'm getting ready for work. It's a fun way to start my day with my buddies, Charlie Rose, Oprah's friend, Gail, and the brown haired lady. So they were doing a story on, I guess there was a new study on how many sexual partners the average American has had in their life. I think for women it was eight, for men it was 14. An interesting disparity.

And, you know, they were at that point where after they, like, rolled the package, the hosts are just supposed to chit-chat about it for 20 seconds or something. And Oprah's friend Gail said, oh, that's an interesting study. What do you guys think about those numbers? And immediately there was a hard cut to the face of Charlie Rose, and he had a look on his face as if to say, you have no idea the dark sexual places I have been to. This kind of we need to move on from this topic

right now glower that that just betrayed all sorts of awful sexual sexual deviancies that have happened to him you know since he you know entered that fuck fuck house that was PBS in the 70s. My dream version of this is he says, bitch, you don't want to know. And then dubstep music starts playing. You wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop. Yeah. And the two little glasses fall down on Charlie Rose's eyes. It was amazing.

That's unreal. It was like the greatest live TV moment. Anyway. So here's my pitch. Like, let's say the CW wants to start their own morning news show. Okay. Shaq. It will have to take place in the DC universe because that's all that's on the CW these days.

Shaq. Mm-hmm. Charles Barkley. Mm-hmm. Kathy Lee and Hoda. Oh, boy. I like it. That's fun, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Kathy Lee and Hoda will just drink Chardonnay. Yeah. Yeah, Kathy Lee and Hoda will just drink Chardonnay. Yeah. Charles Barkley and Shaq will just snort Coke. Shaq will just have the two women on his back while he does push-ups or, like, whatever. Like, I feel like all of Shaq's material is based on his unusual body. Yeah.

Yeah, it's all his giant shoes. Giant man fell. Giant man put someone on top of him and the other person looked small. Giant man look nice, but then he do fun dance. So that's my big pitch. That's how we're going to get rich. It's the Shaq, Charles Barkley, Kathy Lee, and Hoda show. I know maybe this is just implicit in the pitch, but everyone will be talking at once, right?

No, I wouldn't have it any other way. It would be an unpleasant din, right? I'm thinking that maybe we could somehow use the second audio channel. Oh, yeah, sure. You could flip back and forth between Shaq and Sir Charles. Yeah, maybe it's an interactive thing where you choose who you hear at once. Oh, it's called Morning Remix. Yeah, you can choose the cacophony of narcissists or

one at a time. A specific narcissist dream. Can we add, I know we have a nice symmetry here. Kathy Lee and Hoda, Charles Barkley and Shaq, but just to kind of add to the you know, to the sound melange.

A humpback whale. Yeah, sure. They just have such beautiful calls. They're very calming. Have you heard their calls? I fall asleep to them. You get some of that CBS Sunday morning vibe. Yeah.

Like that calming quality. And special guest, fuckmaster Charlie Rose. 206-9844-FUN is our number. You won't believe what I have to do to get hard I do 14 women in a day I can only fucking avoid We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la it was amazing. I basically, after I saw that, did not want to go to work. I'm like, I think I need to lay down for the rest of the day.

Oh, laughing is painful. Think about the just awful sexual things Charlie Rose has to do to get excited. I could literally bust a gut right now. Oh. Look, it's been a delightful show. Our thanks to Julia Smith on the boards this week, our producer Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, Courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records. You can talk about the show on our forum at forum.maximumfun.org.

A lot of talk going on these days on the Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com, and on Facebook. You heard about this Facebook, right, Emmy? Yeah, I know a little bit about it. Emmy, let's say people want to follow up on you and your work. This lady's fun. You know, she knows a lot of lyrics to the Crossfire song. And two-thirds of the Diarrhea song. I bet people could follow up.

Well, I mean, we all know. I mean, it's three-fourths. We all know that when we're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam. Oh, yeah. I was going to say poo-turds. Now let's go poo turds. Yeah. As opposed to two-thirds.

Amy, where can people find you on the internet if they want to be inter-friends with you? Oh, Twitter is good, I think. It's at Amy Blotnick. You won't find any controversy here. I also think Twitter is good. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I'm ambivalent about Facebook, you know. Also, local Korean grocery stores, apparently, is where I've been hanging out.

You're doing a small tour, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm starting in the barley section, moving to the raisin tea section. Sure. People should just drive up and down Western. Yeah. Yelling your name. You also do stand-up comedy jokes sometimes.

You got any stand-up comedy jokes coming around? Yeah, yeah. I got West Side Comedy Theater on May 12th. Right here in Los Angeles. Yeah, that's right. How soon does this happen? Immediately. Oh, that's excellent.

Yeah, that's good for now. Okay, cool. Well, West Side Comedy Theater, Emmy, it's been a delight to have you on the program. Thank you for joining us. Oh, thank you guys. You guys are great. Guys, I'm going to go plug my laptop into my television, turn on the Warriors game,

and pass out. Yay. Yay. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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