Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 378: Four Wizards with Kevin Avery

Episode Date: May 25, 2015

Writer and comedian Kevin Avery joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of napping strategies, Kevin's college boy band, Denzel Washington's underrated movies, and how expensive pebble ice makers are. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, how are you feeling this evening as we record this program? Do you think it's possible for us to make a truly great Jordan and Jesse Goh episode if we're recording in the evening? I guess we'll find out. Yeah, so the answer's almost certainly no.

I mean, listen, if we were doing this, you know, round midnight or twilight, it could be a Jordan Jesse Go after dark situation. Right. So we're, you know, we get all our famous friends to drop by. Thelonious Monk. Thelonious Monk.

Cannonball Adderley. Sure. Jazz greats, mainly. Mostly jazz greats. People who would be at the Playboy Jazz Festival. You've got a couple jazz bows like us. Oh, yeah. There's a couple of hepcats scattin' and scootin'.

Adjustin' our berets. Mm-hmm. Snapping to show our approval of the notes they're not playing. Yeah, but, I mean, evening is a weird middle ground between the usual kind of, you know, afternoon-ish hour that we record in and, you know, a kind of sexier dusk. Yeah. Well, I mean, a certain amount of sexiness seeps into any Jordan Jesse Goh episode. Sure. Between my dulcet tones and your giant dick.

Yeah. Which I think comes across in audio. You just hear this voice and you're like, oh yeah. That guy's swinging a pretty big schlong. Can I tell you what I did to pregame for this? Oh, I'd love to hear what you did to pregame. I took a nap. Ooh, okay. Yeah, I know, right? I mean, Oh, I'd love to hear what you did to pregame. I took a nap. Ooh, okay.

Yeah, I know, right? I mean, a lot of people are afraid to take a nap before their podcast. So I'm going to ask, what kind of napper are you? Or what kind of post-napper are you? Are you a guy who wakes up energized, juice, ready to go? Or are you one of those, I'm sleepier than I was before I took the nap? Oh, I so sleep. Should we just talk like big babies the whole episode?

Oh, I sweepy. Oh, daddy sweepies. No. My eyes is closing. Too many di-dais. Wait, too many di-dais? Yeah, I've got too many diapers on. Too many di-dais.

Let's introduce our guest on the show. Let's find out how many di-d. Let's introduce our guest on the show. Find out how many die-dies he's wearing. He's a stand-up comic, a writer for the John Oliver program on the Home Box Office Network, which you can get. Just contact your cable provider.

He's also the host of Denzel Washington is the greatest actor in the world of all time, period. Approximately. Kevin Avery. Denzel Washington is the greatest actor in the world of all time, period. Yeah. Approximately. Yeah, roughly. Kevin Avery.

Hey. Hi, Kevin. What's the actual name of your show, your podcast? Denzel Washington is the greatest actor of all time, period. Gotcha. I got pretty close. That was very close. That was good.

I did a lot better than I thought I was doing. With as unsure as you were saying it, you got pretty close. Yes. It was a little bit of a cliffhanger whether or not you were, or not a cliffhanger, but I was kind of like, oh, is he going to,

is he going to get it? Will Jesse finish the name of the podcast? Tune in next week. To another exciting Jordan Jesse Go. You know, you laugh, but it's cliffhangers like that that made Welcome to Night Vale a smash hit. Sure.

We just get in a couple of supernatural occurrences and a few things for people on Tumblr to draw pictures of. Yeah. And we are solid gold. Draw us with tentacle dicks. Printing money. We need a good cliffhanger. Kevin, are you a napper?

I took a not quite nap before I got here. That just means you nodded out behind the wheel? I don't generally nap, but when I do, I'm like, why don't I do this more regularly? You wake up refreshed? I used to. Refreshed and hard as a rock. I do if, yes, always. I'm hard as a rock as I start to get sleepy.

Yeah. Sure, sure. You get tired and, oh, hey, what's happening down here? That's how I know I'm tired. Maybe I should stay awake a little longer. See where I can stick this. See where the night takes us. Drink a little coffee.

I'm putting my beret back on. Just lit out into the night. Kevin, are you a jazz bow at all? I'm not a jazz bow, but I do have a question. Which one of you scoots and which one of you scats? Oh, that's an interesting one. Well, Jordan has the scoots. Well, Kevin.

Because he's been eating road meat. Yeah. Oh. It's a call and response thing. I mean, it's the traditional jazz way. Sometimes I scoot, but if Jesse's scooting, I'm going to scat. Okay. Yeah.

So I'm a sort of natural scatter. Yeah. I'm known for scat. Sure. Yeah. Animal feces. Yeah. I'm known for scat. Sure. Yeah. Animal feces. Yeah. Interesting line here.

Could go either way. Scooty bop. You guys want to know where I fall in the nap zone? I'd love to hear about that, Jordan. Hard for me to nap. Yeah. Really?

Sometimes I'll think like, hey, I should probably nap. I will lay down and then I can't nap. So if I'm feeling that nap, you know, that nappy feeling, that Napster feeling. Sure. If I'm going to download some Corky and the Juice Pigs MP3s from Napster, I just like commit. Some Presidents of the United States of America songs labeled as Tenacious D.

Yeah. I'm going right home after this and looking up Corky and the Juice Pigs. It's the quintessential thing to download on Napster. The goofiest song that a 17-year-old would enjoy. Yeah. Often mislabeled as Tenacious D. Yeah. Sean, what's the Canadian comic who's the front man of Corky and the Juice Pigs?

Oh, I don't know. Sean, very funny guy. Very funny comic. I the front man of Corky and the Juice Pigs? Oh, I don't know. Sean, very funny guy. Very funny comic. I definitely, yeah. Connery. Yeah, Sean Connery.

Thank you. Sean Cullen. I was close. Sean Cullen. With the C. Yeah. They're both in that one dragon, that Wise Dragon movie.

What? I am the last dragon or whatever. Isn't that what he said? Sean Connery provides the voice and Sean Cullen actually plays the dragon on screen. He is the dragon. Oh, okay. Andy Serkis.

Yeah, exactly. Sure. If I get that nappy feeling, I just commit to like, okay, I'm going to power through this, but I'm going to go to bed at nine. And then I just have a nice, you know, 12 hour night's sleep. Can I tell you what i like to do what do you like to do uh number one i'm so amazed that you can sleep 12 hours if you go to bed at nine oh i i have i have not slept until 9 a.m five years i'm gonna say sure i'm so past

the part of my life where i'm capable of sleeping to a time where the time that I wake up varies depending on the time I went to bed. Yeah. I always wake up at 7 in the morning. Right. 7-ish or somewhere in between the 6 and the 7, no matter – if I go to bed at – Now, when you say somewhere between the 6 and the 7, you mean on the clock? On the clock. Got it.

Yeah. And I also sleep with a big six and a big seven. Oh, gosh. Ooh. It's a nontraditional relationship. They're stuffed animals, you guys. But you fuck them. Yeah, sure.

No, nothing stops me because when I get sleepy. Yeah. Got to put it somewhere. They got holes, my friend. You're not in that big six. Seven is tricky. Seven is difficult. Yeah. Right. holes, my friend. You're not in that big six. Seven is tricky. Seven is difficult. You'll chafe.

You thought about getting a six in the nine, but then you're like, a little on the nose. Here's what's important. Sexuality isn't a binary, it's a spectrum. Yeah, you're right. So, you know, sometimes you fuck a six, sometimes you fuck a seven. It's a spectrum from one to ten. I will say that the two 9am sleep

for me will include a 7am wake up masturbation fallback. Oh, got it. Yeah. Wow. As long as we're being – Got it. As long as we're – people want to know the minutia of this. Well, I think masturbating is one of the best ways to take a nap.

That's a great way to take a nap if you're like – Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so. I've had a problem where I will wake up in the middle of the night at like 2.30 or 3 o'clock, and I'll go to the bathroom or go do something or realize, oh, I should put this dish away or something. Sure. And then I try to go to bed, and I can't. Yeah, don't do a thing.

Yeah, don't do anything. The only thing that saves me is masturbation. Oh. Put away that dish. Yeah. Cr't do anything. The only thing that saves me is masturbation. Oh. And that... Put away that dish. Yeah. Crank one out. But I never do it right away. I'm always laying there for an hour or two.

Yeah, you want to find another way. Yeah. You know, I don't want to have to... I don't want to be a slave to my... Always go to masturbation. Junk. Onanistic tendencies. Sure, yeah.

Yeah. So eventually I just cave. Yeah. I am not much of a napper myself. Never historically have I been a napper. But what I have taken to doing when I need to nap is

I downloaded a go to sleep episode of the meditation podcast. Now what does that entail? What's on that a soothing voice jean and michael stern's voice specifically they're the authors of the meditation podcast not jane and michael banks the children from mary poppins no that would be great that would be great two little british kids yeah go to sleep we want a nanny. It is important to consider yourself at home. Yeah.

Sure. But is that from? Nope. That's from Oliver. God damn it. What are you going to do? British theater musicals. Exactly.

Who knows what's going on over there? Am I right? I don't want to know. They'll have you tense each part of your body in sequence. So first quench up your toes. Then imagine relaxation flowing through them. And so on and so forth up throughout the body. That sounds like a lot of work.

It is a lot of work. I mean, you've got to really focus to go to sleep when you don't want to. How long does it take you to do all that? 15, 20 minutes. That should be the length of the nap. That's not in the cards. Like a power nap. These people, these monsters.

Oh, boy. Here we go. I'm talking about the Mexicans. Oh, okay. Now I'm intrigued. Now I'm intrigued. Big nappers. These people who can just put their ear on the pillow and go and go to sleep automatically somehow i can't even do

that i i could be it can be one o'clock in the morning i've had a migraine headache and taken my migraine medication that makes me like completely blotto uh i'm completely exhausted it will definitely take me 20 minutes to get this. Really? Absolutely. I'm out in 7. 7? Yeah. Between 6 and 7. Yes. While I'm laying on 7, trying to make time with 6. That's how it starts.

Isn't that the average time it takes a person to fall asleep? Oh, I don't know. I know nothing about the average time. I think that's it. I could be lying. We'll never know. 7 minutes seems fast average time. I think that's it. I could be lying. We'll never know. Seven minutes seems fast to me. I think it's seven minutes. Maybe the average person...

Maybe this is about my fear of death. Probably. Yeah. I hate going to sleep. Have I mentioned that? Really? You have, yes, yes. Some people love going to sleep.

Not I, sir. Not I. What do you think is going to happen? Going to die. How? That's when death comes from you. Who knows? You're not doing anything. That's why it's so scary. Yeah. I would say that's when

you're most likely to not die, right? Because you're not, you know, driving a car around or... Yeah. You're not out and about. Flying on one of those planes that are always crashing. Oh boy. Get a load of this. You're lying in bed. You're asleep. A burglar breaks into your house. Yeah.

Specifically, this one junkie that broke into my house when I was like eight. Okay. Stabs you and you die. You never even knew that you were going to die. You just go from asleep to dead. Yeah. That's what I don't like. I'll tell you a chilling story.

Oh, Kevin Avery. Will you share with me a chilling tale? As long as it chills me to the bone. If it's not that chilling, then I don't want to hear it. The cold breeze is tripping through. Here it is. I was that burglar. Yeah. What? Wow.

You were a crackhead on 16th Street in San Francisco in 1988? I've cleaned myself up a little bit. Congratulations, man, by the way. Nice. Try to pull it together. You loomed over my mother's bed with a giant knife? Yeah. I was looking for stuff to do.

No, but I was... You got to make your own fun, you know? You really do. Yeah. Hob do. Yeah. Hobbies. Yeah. Looming, for instance. I used to live in Alabama.

Yeah. And I was leaving my house and these two – I lived in this neighborhood. It was a lot of kids. There was a high school nearby. We're all tied. We're all tied. Sure. Yes, yes.

So these two – there were a lot of these little wannabe gangsters around. And two of them were walking down the street and they saw me. And they were like, who's that? And that's just, I don't know. They didn't recognize me, despite the fact that I lived in the neighborhood. And for some reason, I don't know why I yelled, Kevin! It's me, Kevin. Hey, fellas. And I'm on a bike. I, Kevin! It's me, Kevin. Hey, fellas.

And I'm on a bike. I'm on like a 10-speed bike. And I'm trying to get to, of all things, theater rehearsal while the thugs are trying to. Sure. I know exactly, Kevin. Leave me alone. I'm going to the, I'm in the chorus of Pippin. Yeah.

I am so deeply with you right now. You are speaking directly to my lived experience, Kevin. So these guys, suddenly we get in this shouting match, and one of them pulls. And he points, you know, peace at me. And he's yelling at me to get the hell off of the street or down the street by this church. I guess that was where they were. He just wanted you to be saved. He wanted me

to drink the blood of Jesus or whatever it is you're doing. Except Christ or I'll shoot you. Yeah. And it was really bizarre because suddenly my bike the gears wouldn't work. But I was now racing to get away from him but he

had his gun pulled and it was at my back. And that was crazy because it's exactly what you described. If he fires and he shoots me, it's just – like if you're looking at someone and they're pointing a gun at you, there's a moment where you can react based on what their body is doing. Do a cool takedown or something. Bare minimum, you could try and dodge the bullet. Yeah. You could born identity the situation. But when you're riding a janky 10 speed trying to get to theater rehearsal, it's that.

It's suddenly I might just be gone. Oh, that's not so. How old of a Kevin are we talking about at this point? 19 maybe. 19 years old. 19, 20. Yeah. 19 or 20? Yeah. 19 or 20 years old.

I don't know why I almost went back to 1917. I'm so glad. Do you remember what the play was? And if you got there, and if the production was a success? I made it. The play was... I don't. I don't remember what the play was.

The Vagina Monologues. It was. I played the monologue. No, it was like, shit, I don't know. I can't remember. Okay, now let's. I know. I remember.

Yeah, the near-death experience will overshadow, probably overshadow the. When I showed up at the theater, I was like, what play are we doing? I don't know. I almost died. Yeah. That's horrifying. I have to say, for all the weird things that happened to me as a kid and honestly like nothing bad happened to me after i was about 16 the con the confluence of uh growing

gentrification and a growing body yeah uh led to by the time I was 16, you know, I mean, sure, slurs, but nothing worse than a slur because you just pick somebody else. Why would you pick on a guy that's 6'3 when you could pick on a guy that's not 6'3? That's the whole point of it. But yeah, like never had a gun pulled on me. That's horrifying. Yeah. Knives, but not guns.

I've had a couple gun situations. Just multiple gun situations? One time I was in a McDonald's restaurant. Oh, McDonald's the restaurant. Yeah. Occasionally. That's like a white tablecloth. Oh, really?

Got to have a reservation. Sure. That's like a white tablecloth. Oh, really? Gotta have a reservation. Sure. But I was at McDonald's, and we were, I was in a singing group. Wow, you are just showing yourself out.

Like a boy band, basically. Like a New Edition-esque singing group. Oh, wow. This was in Alabama? This was in Alabama. I guess I just assumed that all went down in Orlando. No. Some of it happened in Orlando. They were called Jodeci, Kevin.

Sure. Jodeci, common, Kevin. Jodeci. I like that. Yeah. Jodeci hyphen Kevin? Yeah. No, it's all one word.

Jodeci. Jodeci Kevin. It's just then later you left the group and Jodeci went on to much greater success. Now that we got Kevin out of here. We got the dead weight. Oh, God. Imagine my surprise. Hey, they're on the radio. But we were... Aw, nuts. We were hanging out in the

guys'... Aw, nuts. Aw, nuts. Aw, fiddle sticks. I'm gonna ask Pete Best how he dealt with this. But, yeah, we were hanging out, and we were in the back section of the restaurant. You and the rest of the boy bands. Yes, the rest of the group.

So you had – I'm just trying to get a sense, paint a mental picture of what was going on. What color are your matching suits? Blue? I was going to say- Turquoise? Orange? I was going to say, what fabric were your open dress shirts? Linen?

We all had these print- We all had black pants on and different print shirts with these kind of weird, ugly designs on them. So like a kooky sweater of shirts. Yeah. It was like 1985 or something. It was very 90s. Sure. Okay. Because it was in the 90s. So you were living slap bracelets.

Oh, yeah. We're sitting there. These two guys come around the corner and they're like, hey, they told us to tell you to shut up. You're being too loud. And they just start talking shit to us. And then. Wait, who are they claiming told them to let you know? The management of McDonald's.

Oh, yeah. Sent these two fellas. Grimace. To tell us, hey, you should keep it down in the McDonald's after, you know, 9 p.m. Sure. This is a classy McDonald's. Oh, the classy. And then the first guy told you p.m. Sure. It's a classy McDonald's. Oh, the classy. And then the first guy told you guys to keep it down.

The second guy got one of those scrapers that takes crumbs off of the tablecloth. Refolded all of your napkins for you. Yeah, and you're making a mess. Sure. Straighten up back here. So they just started sort of the the you know our our guys start talking shit to them they start talking shit and i was like i'm i decided now is a good time to go to the bathroom i stepped the bathroom was right behind us i stepped into the bathroom for a second

and then i'm like wait a minute if this guy pulled i don't i i think i genuinely had to go to the bathroom i'll be right back you guys and i And I stepped out. And then I was like, please, continue your Donnie Brooker pace. So I come back out. This guy's waving a gun around. And he's pointing at us. He's like, I want all y'all to get on the floor. And the first thing that I did was there was a guy behind him of one of our crew. And I thought, I'm going to go out the emergency exit and come back around and call the cops

to do something. And I hit, because I was standing right next to the door. And I shoved the door, emergency exit, locked. Oh, no. Locked. Oh, no. And I had this moment where I realized the guy who always gets killed first is the one who's like the hero or tries to escape.

And I just remember like as soon as I couldn't get out of that door, I just like crouched down partially out of fear and partially hoping that I would like suddenly lunge at the guy. Sure, yeah.

You were getting into a like coiling like a viper. Yeah, exactly. Okay, sure. Exactly. Preparing the attack. You were getting into what they call

a double threat position. Which is like on the one hand, you could pounce. On the one hand, you could pounce. On the other hand, you could make yourself real small. Sure. I could tuck and roll. Yeah.

Knock him down at the legs and just. You could maybe waddle behind the cardboard cutout of the Fry Guys. Yeah. Yeah. The Fry Guys. Here's what. Those were the guys who loved fries. You got me. That was security at McDonald's.

Right. You got down on your hands and knees directly behind the legs of the guy with the gun in case one of the guys in your band wanted to push you. The classic boy band offensive. Teamwork makes the dream work. Man, you have no idea how many times 98 Degrees pulled that shit on me. Man, yeah have no idea how many times 98 Degrees pulled that shit on me. Man, yeah. Classic. Honestly, Jordan, you shouldn't have been pulling your gun on 98 Degrees so much.

Well, they were talking in the Carl's Jr. Yeah, that's true. Don't pull a weapon on 98 Degrees. I'm not going to pretend like I never pulled my piece on O-Town. Sure. Well, they deserved it. They deserved it. It was a horrible show.

So yeah, we lived to tell that story. I want to know more about this R&B group that Kevin was in. Me too. How many parts are we talking about here? There were six of us. Six? Holy shit. We started out as six.

We eventually went down to four. Four is more manageable. Four is more manageable. We could not get our shit together. How many members is the typical boy band? Five. Okay. Yeah, four or five.

Yeah. Jodeci was like, Jodeci Boyz II Men were like the four type of thing. And then you got your new addition, New Kids on the Block. Those were like five. Five is the best number. Okay. How many are ready for the world? Oh, my.

We're just going to name 30. 30 guys. Right? They were literally, no, they were actually a band. Like, we were really just a singing group. Yeah. Like, the Jacksons were a singing group. New Edition's a singing group.

A boy band. The boy band thing showed up when New Kids on the Block came around. And when they were put together. They were the first boy band. And you, thing showed up when New Kids on the Block came around and when they were put together. They were the first boy band. And you, of course, you and your friends, you just came up singing, you know, huddled around an oil drum in the winter in Alabama. Pretty much. Light a fire in that oil drum. That's what we did.

You light a fire so you could stand around it and sing. You'd get arrested. Sure, sure. But we perfected that harmony. We nailed it every time. So I guess I always think of boy bands as something that a manager or something puts together. Were you guys just buddies who loved to harmonize?

We were just dudes hanging out who were, we started out as a dance crew. Okay. So there were a bunch of us. And then there were four of us who would, yeah, it was just a dance crew. Okay. So there were a bunch of us. And then there were four of us who were just this dance crew. And then we just started singing when we would hang out. And it was weird. That's what black guys do sometimes. He said as though that's a thing.

We would just be hanging out on the yard because we were in college. So we'd just be sitting around like, yeah. By the way, we should clarify that it was 1959. Yeah. It was. 54, actually. Was the name of your group the Orioles? What bird was your group name?

The Penguins? The Seagulls? We had three names. The first name was Four Now. With the number four? With the number four. Four hyphen now? Was this pre or post all four one?

This was pre? All four one, we're talking about I was in seventh grade, so that would make that 1993. So in love are we two. Just can't wait to say I do. There you go. Oh. Okay, so wait to say I do. There you go. Oh. Okay, so that was the first name. Now, did you have to change four now because you added new guys?

No, when we started with six, our name was four now. Okay. We didn't give a shit. A little confusing, but that's fine. We didn't give a shit. Sure. Yeah. Well, six now sounds dumb.

Yeah. It makes a lot of sense. Doesn't it, man? Six right now sounds dumb. It makes a lot of sense. Six right now. So we were for now because the first time we performed, someone was like, what's your name? And I went, for now, we'll just be for now. And I thought I was being clever in the moment. It is clever.

And then we forgot to actually make up a name and give it to him. So when we were introduced, ladies and gentlemen, for now. and give it to them. So when we were introduced, ladies and gentlemen, For Now. It's so funny because that is, I mean,

that is a, like if I was doing, writing a sketch about a boy band, For Now would be a pretty good name to give them. Yeah.

Yeah. Except when they said it, like as the curtain raised, you could probably see me go, ah, shit. Like right as the, and then we launch into the, so,

but then we, then we became, then two guys left and we kind of, we decided to become Forces of Nature for some reason. Okay. Now that's a boy band name. Yeah. That is Forces of, because everyone has this.

And that was with the number four? Yes. Forces of Nature four. We were almost Forceps of Nature a while you were force square. Yeah. Forceps. We decided to drop the P. Yeah, well.

Forceps has a fun ring to it. The forceps, that's actually a good band name. Okay, Kevin. How many? Okay, so take me back to the college class. Oh, sorry. Real quick. What was the third one? Your forces of nature.

Alias, which is really just like an 80s hair band name. Yeah, yeah, sure. That was not the strongest one. That was a bad choice. Personally, I like For Now the best of those. I always liked Forces of Nature the best, but everyone thought that was the lamest. Did you ever have matching jackets? We had matching polka dot pants.

Wow. That's what's up. Did you find them somewhere or did you have them custom? We found them. Or them directly from, what's that dude called? Kwesi? Kwame? Kwame.

I'm sure he's got, that's probably how he's making his money now. He's got a website. Kwame's polka dot pants. No, we found them at a store. And we for some reason decided we all have to have these. I get a lot of my clothes at stores. Yeah. I know.

It's weird. It's one of the best. They're all there. You wouldn't think it'd be the place to go, but it works out all right. I mean, I think Jesse and I had a similar situation in college when we were at the Big Five and saw those baseball tees. We're like, our improv group needs to wear these. Boom. Wow.

We really did do that. No, totally. I have completely forgotten about that. Yeah. We were at the Big Five in Santa Cruz. Wow. Real embarrassing. Baseball t-shirts for everybody.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I had a lot of Big Johnson t-shirts. Oh, wow. Liquor in the front, party in the rear. Yes. Poker in the rear. Excuse me.

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear. Oh, they were disgusting. What were some other Big Johnson slogans? I can't remember now. My go-to for making fun of Big Johnson's shirts is always liquor in the front, poker in the rear. That was the one I remembered. It's the cleverest. I thought it was so fucking funny.

Oh, Big Johnson's watches keeps a-lickin' and keeps on tickin'. Takes a-lickin' and keeps on ticking. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking? There you go. Something. Anyway. I want to get back to this. I want to get back to

Foreplay. Yeah. Oh. That's a little... That's a real band. Is it? I think so. I bet it is.

They're kind of a more R&B soul... I think kind of jazz. Okay. I think so. Like a Manhattan transfer? Right. Very quiet I think kind of jazz. Okay. I don't think so. Like a Manhattan transfer? Right. Very quiet storm.

Oh, shit. Yeah. I can see that. More like they'd open for Brian McKnight. Yes, exactly. Okay. Exactly. Sure.

Okay, so are we talking about, you're going on the school talent show or whatever. Mm-hmm. It's homecoming weekend and you're playing the big frat party. Yeah. Are we talking about acapella? You guys sing into a track? You guys got a band? We would sit around and sing acapella a lot.

But when we performed, we had, like, a track behind us. There was one guy who was producing all our stuff. I let the record show that, as Kevin said, producing all our stuff. He did hand motions that indicate producing. Someone at a mixing board. It was a guy flipping switches. He looked like a piano player in one of the posters by college poster artist Justin Bua. Sure. Well, he was a count.

Right. Producer, I mean, all our tracks were on pipe organ. Right. Oh, okay. He was, you know. But, yeah, so we had. You could only sing under the light of the full moon. We should sing My Children of the Night.

We should explain that Kevin's group was him, two guys from the neighborhood, and Paul Schaefer. Yeah. Paul Schaefer was playing the four different keyboards. And later you added John Tesh, who was surrounded by keyboards. Yes. Paul Schaefer insisted that they play his hit song, It's Raining Men, which Paul Schaefer wrote. Did he? I always forget that he wrote that.

Yeah. Wow. Huh. Different. And we sung the hell out of that song, It's Raining Men, which Paul Schaefer wrote. Did he? I always forget that he wrote that. Yeah. Wow. Huh. And we sung the hell out of that song, too. It was really good. It was a big hit. All black college campus. Sure.

Sure. So, yeah, but we have just back and forth. You take that on a tour of HBCUs, right? Sure. They love it. That's what we close with. Morehouse, are you ready for it? It's raining, man!

No! Why do you do this to us? We are not there yet! Culturally! We're not ready! So, yeah, I mean, we did that for a little bit and it was fun. We made a little... Did you do dance moves?

We did. Because you used to be a dance crew. I don't know if you know that. No, we definitely did. Was I in a dance... Yeah, I was in a dance crew. We definitely did some choreo. Put that out there. Who was designing the stage presentation?

Just a little bit of everybody? Kind of, yeah. A little pyrotechnics, maybe? One guy knows a little magic. He's got bit of everybody. A kind of, yeah. A little pyrotechnics maybe. One guy knows a little magic. He's got that flash paper. Yes. One of us would just do card tricks. To the side.

Oh, wow. While he sang harmony. Sure. And. There's four guys harmonizing and dancing. And then there's the guy doing close up magic. Let me go. You don't like this?

Here's something else. Here's just whatever, you know. It's the cute one, the one who could sing, and the magic one. And the wizard. Yeah. Be like, stop. It's time for a super fast Rubik's Cube solving breakdown. What?

Hey, ladies, as if you weren't wet enough already, devil sticks. You know what? When I saw the two sides on that Rubik's Cube, the panties go flying. Panties to the ceiling. I would think that'd be kind of awesome to have a wizard in a singing group. Yeah, I mean, you have one dude be a wizard. The bad boy. You got the

cute one. The wizard. With a long white beard. Just like a classic Merlin. No, you know, Arrested Development did that. Remember the band Arrested Development? Did they have a wizard? They had Baba OJ.

They had an old man. Baba OJ. Just an old guy they knew. The guy they thought was wise. The elder, just hanging out. It just showed that it takes a community to make art. Sure. Now, we joke about the boy band archetypes.

What are they? The cute one, the bad boy, the big brother. I need Brian to find out if Baba OJ is still alive. I'm guessing dead. I'm interested to remember his name. Did I have both Arrested Development albums? Yes, yes, I did. Oh, yeah, you did.

Do you know which one you were? I don't. Maybe you straddled two archety were? I don't. Maybe you straddled two archetypes. I don't know. I'm just. What part did you sing? I was, I mean, I didn't know. I just knew.

I usually sang like, not bass, but definitely the deeper end of like the harmonies or whatever. I was like, see, here's the thing. I feel like black singing groups didn't matter. Yeah, maybe that doesn't have that. There was a different thing. Right. Although, that's not true because even New Edition had Bobby Brown. He was clearly the bad boy.

And then they had Ralph Tresvant, who was the high-pitched kind of Michael Jackson guy, like Joey McIntyre. But the thing about New Kids on the Block is that they were patterned directly after New Edition. Okay. Because their manager, I think he used to be New Edition's manager. Yeah. And they cut him loose. And he's like, whoa, I have an idea.

What if I did that thing that was successful before, but without those black people, white people uncomfortable. Yeah, sure. Yeah. And suddenly boy bands were all the rage. and suddenly boy bands were all the rage and uh but like so i was more like the the rendezvous of the group okay i who could sing some harmony occasionally carry a you know a little melody and i could also i could also rap so i would drop in with like a you know sure flow you were dropping little verses yeah oh yeah oh yeah because what happened too we were like, we decided we should just, we're just going

to do everything. Like, our music slowly went more kind of hip-hop-ish, more Jodeci-esque. Sure was, as New Jack Swing was taking the nation. Yeah. But New Jack Swing was kind of a different thing. Oh. Like, Teddy Riley took that, and that was a more um you had a more classic r&b sound we started with that and then like jodeci sound didn't like all those clattering hip-hop

drums oh oh god the clattering of the drums sure it was too much uh but so yeah we we kind of went you know and everyone was from like one guy was from rochester new york uh one guy was from, like, one guy was from Rochester, New York. One guy was from Chicago. So there was a big East Coast flavor in the group, and they were, a lot of those guys were into, like, hip-hop. And also underground, like, club music. So we had these weird, we were all over the place. We didn't know what the hell we were doing. Wait, club music? Yeah, like.

It's like the Chicago guy was like, oh, let's make some house records. Yeah. We had a couple. It was weird. We had one guy from Baltimore, like, I want to make the incredibly regionally specific dance music of Baltimore, please. That's it. That was exactly it.

We had one song we tried to please him. The guy from Washington, D.C. is like, I would like to bring some go-go flavor to this. Endeavor, please. Yeah. Yeah. One country guy. Sure. And the wizard just wanted to play the recorder.

One AC. Yeah. Yeah. I don't to play the recorder. One AC. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know about y'all, but I think this song needs a little twang. There's a lot of George Jones covers. I wish we'd had that guy in our group. Now, Kevin, I know this is. He just goes, can I lay down a track for the ladies?

Come on in. He just sings a grand tour by Torch Towns. Oh, my God. Kevin, I know this is probably hard to talk about. No, it's difficult. When did you know it was over? When did you know that it had run its course? I'm going to say yesterday.

I really was hanging on to that dream. Did you have a conversation with your manager? We talked. This whole comedy writing thing is just to tide me over until the boy band takes off. I talked to my manager. She was like, you know you're not in a singing group anymore, right? That's been dead for a while. You're a successful television writer.

Yeah. Quit telling people you're going into the studio. He's like, you know that two of the people in your band are dentists, right? Yes. Yeah. One of them is a realtor. They actually gave you your apartment. Everybody's got to have their side job or their passion project.

No, I knew it was over as soon as I – not as soon. Like about a year, I think, after we all kind of uh we stopped some people we left college and some you know did you think you were going to be a college band or did you think were you legit interested in being a famous band we were legitimately like we're gonna do this shit but we were terribly undisciplined and we had no you know like i was i would think i was the only one like come on we could really do this and and uh there was one other guy who was like, all right, yeah, I'm with you. But everyone else was kind of losing more and more interest in working on recording music and doing all that stuff. But it was one of those things that we just, at one point, it was just this foregone conclusion.

Like, we'll pull this off. Surely we will. What are the odds that we wouldn't? We're invincible. We're young people. We felt the same way about our improv group. I mean, when we saw Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles

on TV, we thought, there's no reason we can't do that. Once these old fogies kick off, they're gonna give Whose Line Is It Anyways to us. We're next in line. Humor Force 5. Get your baseball shirts on, boys. They're on them baseball tees. Wow. Did you wear the baseball tees?

Was that all the time every day? That was your performance uniform? No, just for fun every day. Yeah. Just rocking them? Just so people would know what set we were repping. Yeah, not to fuck with us. Right.

When we were on the quad. Yeah. Everyone got by the church in a hurry. Yeah. The drum circle in the quad cleared out when the improv team came by. That's right. Wow. I guess improvers could by. That's right. Wow. I guess improvers could be surly and scary.

No. Yeah, goofy. I appreciate you yes-handing that. Yeah, yeah. That's very good, yeah. I'm trying to think, have I ever known a scary guy who was also into improv? Like an intense dude? I guess, yeah.

Like a guy with a glint in his eye? Yeah. I guess maybe there's a lot of,, maybe every improv group has one like, dark, I was going to say dark, self-destructive guy, but yeah, it's cocaine guy,

sure. Yeah, I mean, I feel like, like a guy who drinks a little too much at the after party. Well, there's,

yeah, that guy. Sure. Sure. But, like, I feel like with stand-up, every once in a while,

you hear a story about the dude who ended up in jail. Sure. Who was like, oh yeah, we all knew that guy, you know, but I don't,

I don't know that I ever hear those stories with improv kind of such a specific kind of little goofball that wants to do improv yeah you know and yeah it usually goes with being like i was a pretty big goofball that's sure you were taller yes you were taller than the average uh goofball yeah i mean it is like it i think it does the people who are interested in improv there's it's a it's a sweet kind of nerd you know and i think the stand-up will attract the kind of broody artist type a lot yeah um not exclusively of course but i think there's a certain fundamental anti-socialness to stand up like it's there's a part of it that is uh and certainly not like not the you know dominant

flavor of everyone's personality. Sure. But there's a part of it that is like the most social thing that you can do where you have complete control over all of the social situation and also you're dominating people. Yeah. Yeah. Improv terrifies me. And are responsible to no one else. Yeah.

But I think that's why it scares me, because there are other people that you could... Sure, that can fuck up the show or that you can ruin the show for. Yeah, I feel like it could be a domino effect. Like, if I fuck up, then that's going to do something to throw you off. Yeah. But you didn't have a problem dropping a verse in the middle of a four-part harmony. No, I didn't. You're right. What the hell am I talking about, you guys?

Yeah, I mean, you had those hot bars. No, you can't... I'm sure there was a little improvising, too, in the boy band. Sometimes, you know, you go low and you were supposed to go high. Sometimes you throw two roses into the audience. Sure, yeah. Come on. Sometimes you tear the shirt all the way open instead of just undoing three buttons. Can I tell you one time I saw Al Green at the Concord Pavilion in the East Bay.

And Al Green at one point just had a fucking wheelbarrow full of roses on stage. Wow. Just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, It was great. It worked, too. I was in a fashion show years ago. Me and my roommate. Sure. This sorority convinced us to do their fashion show. Your roommate was Baba OJ, right? He was Baba OJ.

He's around, by the way. Good. Still casting those spells, new those card tricks. But we came out with a briefcase full of roses. Yeah. That's a good move. Thatcase full of roses. Yeah. That's a good move. That's a good move. Yeah. But what we didn't know was just sort of a fundamental tenet of performing is you have to top the thing that, you know.

So he came out first and he whips out these roses and he starts handing them out to the ladies. And then I came out second and I pull out my roses. I had a briefcase, too. And I don't know. Briefcase is a very classy way to transport those, by the way. Sure. But they had already seen the first guy's roses. So I opened mine, and they were like, yeah, okay, roses.

Like no one was impressed. You should have done slices of pizza. I don't know. Yes. Just slice for you. Slice. Yes. Just slice for you. Slice for you. Slice for you. And not like a pepperoni, but like a Meat Lovers or a Deluxe.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Or a full rotisserie chicken. Sure. Yes. Just hurling rotisserie chickens. What if you had like a t-shirt can and they shot rotisserie chicken? Oh, man.

Hey, ladies. Boom. Boom. Hitting people in the head. Then you blast out then you bring out the gravy gun. Jumping up to try

and catch one. Dinner's on me tonight. And then them just then them just ripping them apart like hyenas. Taking off their panties. Yeah.

Beasts. Not even t-shirts. Just some old Hanes t-shirts. Sure. Shooting out at them. Here's a v-neck. Whoa. A beefy tee.

Whoa. All my old Big Johnson t-shirts. Here you go. Oh, yeah. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Jesse, go. Oh, yeah. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Jesse, go. Hi, my name's Dave.

And my name's Grail. Now, what do we have to do to put you in a brand new podcast today? Yeah, what do you want me to drink bleach? I'll do it. Yeah, Dave will drink bleach. If that's what it takes to get you to listen to Stop Podcasting Yourself on MaximumFun.org. Don't make Dave drink bleach. Just listen to the show.

He will, but don't make him. Stop podcasting yourself. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you,, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kevin Avery, shadow accountant. Poof. That was good. It's fun. Yeah, that chambered. Yeah. Kevin.

Have you had to have a nickname on a podcast before? No, I don't know why shadow accountant came out of my mouth. It was great. Go with it. It sounds cool. Yeah. Until you really think about what that would be. Well, you're breaking into places and setting the books straight.

Pretty much. Yeah. You know. Or you're part of a secret cabal of people who setting the books straight. Pretty much. Yeah. You know. Or you're part of a secret cabal of people who set the books straight. Yeah. It's like in the morning, you know, they come into the shogun's bedroom to draw his bath. And he's dead.

Dead in his bed. Okay. And his attendant is like, what happened? What happened? And they look into his tea. Someone put a W2 in there. Yes. The shadow there. Yes. The shadow accountant.

Yes. That really just sounds like an intern. Yeah. Yeah. Someone who shadows the accountant. You know, I think these numbers aren't really right. Should we check your expenditures again? That's what I do.

Kevin. How much of your house is used for business? Here's my question for you. Sure. This is the voice of the shadow accountant. Ooh. Yeah.

Nail it. You're the host of a podcast that's exclusively about watching Denzel Washington movies. That is true. You guys do any non-film Denzel Washington? Any St. Elsewhere?

We've done some TV movies and we are going to do some Saint Elsewhere stuff. I want to know, what is your Denzel Washington sleeper? The movie that like, well, when you say sleeper,

anybody can say, oh yeah, you like Denzel Washington, watch Malcolm X. Yeah. Watch whatever. Crimson Tide, is that it? I don Denzel Washington, watch Malcolm X. Yeah. Watch whatever. Crimson Tide, is that it? Yeah.

I don't know. That could be a sleep. Maybe that's your sleeper is Crimson Tide. No, my sleeper is a movie called Out of Time. I don't even know how I discovered this movie, but it's about- It's because you host a podcast where you have to watch every Denzel Washington movie? You think that's possible? It could be it.

to watch every Denzel Washington movie? You think that's possible? It could be it. I saw it many years ago, and it's about, you know, Denzel Washington is this cop in, it might be Florida. Wait, Denzel Washington plays a cop?

I know. Huh, interesting turn for him. Wait, but the cop isn't handsome, is he? Like handsome and charismatic, and you just want him to be your uncle or something? And he plays by all the rules. Oh, my God. He is. He's very by the book.

He is. That is weird. Doesn't play by the rules. This is what gets him in trouble. I know. What? I know. I know.

You didn't see that coming, but he doesn't play by the rules. He cuts some corners. He basically gets involved in a scam. He's trying to help his girlfriend pay for some cancer treatments. And he uses drug money from – some DEA bust money basically to – he gives her. And it turns out she was playing him. And he's got a – everyone's coming after the money. They're looking for the money.

Out of time spoilers on Jordan, Jesse, go. Well, I'm not – I mean, come on. For a 30-year-old movie in church. Right. You'd be surprised. People will get pissed about that shit. That is true. But no one's going to get pissed about it out of time.

Okay. But yeah, it's very, the movie to me. You underestimate the amount that the internet can be pissed about something. That's true. What am I saying? I mean, you're new to this whole podcasting game. I know, right? People will find new and interesting ways to get pissed at you.

Do you think there's something that exists in the world that people have not gotten pissed about? Anything. On the internet. Yeah, that's a great question. I want to get back to Denzel, though. Oh, sure. I need to finish talking about that. Do you want to say anything else about Out of Time?

Well, no. It was just a movie that resonated with me because I used to have these day jobs. As a cop, you always felt like you wanted to break up this, you know, like what if you worked outside the system? Yeah. I mean, that's why I became a cop. Right. To work out, to break the system? Yeah. I mean, that's why I became a cop. Right. To work out, to break the rules. Sure.

I worked in these tech jobs that I hated and I didn't know anything about. And I didn't want to, you know, it was the day job when I was starting stand-up. And I would never do any work. And I was fired from a lot of them. But a lot of them I stayed in the job because I was constantly pretending to work. Yeah. And constantly having to, I don't know, pull something over the, like, that thing where you say, oh, yeah, no, it's done. It's almost done. And they go, good, because we're going to need it, you know, tomorrow morning.

Sure. And then I got to rally and figure out how to convince these people that I have their thing. And that's a main component of this movie. Okay. Where he runs around. His name is, oh, I'm blanking. And that's a main component of this movie. He runs around. His name is... Oh, I'm blanking on the guy's name now. I wanted to say

Whip Whittaker, but that's the guy from... John Copsworth. Thank you, Matt Whitlock. And so Kamau and I often talk about me Matt Whitlocking at work. You know, see, what I like about Out of Time, I haven't seen Out of Time, is the follow-up, the spiritual follow-up to my favorite Denzel Washington movie, which is Devil in a Blue Dress.

They share a director. Yeah. As soon as you said Out of Time, I'm like, I think that's the other one that Carl Franklin directed with Denzel in it. You're right. I literally, like, if I could just sit around, if I was a show business honcho, you know, other people would bring back Mr. Show, which I guess they are bringing back Mr. Show,

and God bless them for it. I saw one of those live tapings of the Bring Back Mr. Show. Boy, howdy, it was great. Anyway. Here's the thing. I think that I would spend my Hollywood money on making more Walter Mosley movies with Denzel Washington. And, you know, basically the whole Don Cheadle is so amazing in that movie. He's amazing in that movie.

It's really a Don Cheadle movie. Yeah, he just comes in. He comes in like three quarters of the way through the movie and is just like, excuse me, greatest movie star in America. I'm going to go ahead and handle this movie from here on out. Yeah. Literally, Denzel kind of lets him, and that's what we talked about on the thing, Denzel sort of lets him do his thing,

but also the character, his character is sort of controlling everything. He comes in and he's shooting people and he's doing all kinds of shit he shouldn't be. How do you feel about Denzel's recent career trajectory, which I would maybe describe as takening? We refer to that as old man action. Sure.

OMA. Yeah, and I enjoyed it. How bizarre. I liked the Equalizer. Yeah, I was excited about the Equalizer. I never got around to seeing it, but I bet I would like it. I loved Unstoppable.

The train movie, him and Chris Pine. Yeah, people were running around on a train. I saw that movie when I had to do, when I was doing press junkets, like I was doing like goofy press junkets. And that was the time that I got to meet Denzel was from seeing Unstoppable. You got to meet Denzel? Yeah, it was for four minutes. I got to sit across from him at the Beverly Hilton.

Just bask. Yeah. No, I mean, yeah, doing that job was very weird. I mean, I think, you know, usually what happened is that you're not, you know, you get to see the celebrity and it's humanizing because, you know, they're shorter than you thought or they have a blemish or their shirt's not tucked in all the way. And like, you know, I feel like the thing I noticed was like, oh, like oh this is you know this is just a person and i'm goofing around with them and it's fine but yeah i was not i was only blown away by a handful of people and yeah denzel

washington was one of them and he was great he was really really hilarious and like you know all of my things were jokes you know it was like okay i'm not gonna ask you about the director i'm gonna do a weird bit with you and fucking dude just went with the bit. He was great. Really funny. Nice. Gave me a little hug afterwards. Oh, my God.

You got a hug from Denzel? A little hug, yeah. Wow. I guess the only two hugs I've ever gotten in those things were him and Doug Jones, the guy who plays the monsters in all the Guillermo del Toro movies. Doug Jones is a hugger. That guy's like the sweetest guy on earth. Yeah. I interviewed that guy one time.

He's just like one of those effervescently sweet human beings. Wait, is that the green head, like the weird lizard looking guy? Or the fish? Okay. Yeah. Wow. Did Denzel give you one of those kind of like, you know the kind of thing I'm talking about? It's like a smile, but then he kind of dips his head diagonal like, yeah, all right.

He did all of his moves. In the span of the four minutes. I mean, you know, the guy gets it. I mean, he's a movie star for a reason. He did all of his moves. Like anything you would do to do an impression of him, he did. He's like, I know what you want. You get the full breadth of Denzelishness.

Yeah, it was really him and, yeah, like. We have to have you on our podcast now just to talk about your four minutes of meeting Denzel. A guy who's touched him. Yeah. I wish I could dig up that video. I usually don't like to. Did you touch his butt while you were hugging him? No, Jesse, I didn't touch his butt.

Did you touch maybe just the small of his back? Yeah. Listen, I cupped the balls, guys. I'm a professional. I cupped the balls. Because he enjoys'm a professional. I cupped the balls. Because he enjoys that. That is beautiful. He enjoys that.

That is so beautiful. Wow. I will say I have this weird period where I have this very high opinion of all these like super whatever movies because doing those press junkets was so fun. You get to like see the movie early. They kind of wine and dine you a little bit. Sometimes you'll get a dinner out of it. Sometimes you'll get free snacks and swag.

Is this called the Death Race phenomenon? The Death Race. You know, I have rewatched Death Race. I stand by it. I really enjoyed Death Race remake starring Jason Statham and Tyrese. Oh, I remember that. Jordan is basically best friends with Tyrese. You should know that.

Yeah, he yelled at me on the street once. He said, looking good with Tyrese. You should know that. Yeah, he yelled at me on the street once. He said, looking good. Tyrese recognized him. Entertains me to no end. Anyway. Because it involves Tyrese, the most entertaining man in the world. Yeah. When I see you, I'll yell, look good.

Would you please? Yeah. Like, let's not have a conversation. Like, just look at me like you're wondering where you know me from. Wait a minute. Decide it's not have a conversation. Like, just look at me like you're wondering where you know me from. Wait a minute. Decide it's from, decide it's not worth remembering and just yell something. I'll just look at you and then kind of, ah. Looking good.

Ah, you asshole. Okay. Now, Kevin, could you do that again, but more, be more beautiful? Like, spectacularly beautiful. Like a, like a, almost too beautiful for a human being. Let me give it a shot. Okay. Yeah, now for the at-home listener, they can't see.

It's working. Kevin just pulled it off. Kevin just Tyrese'd himself. In fact, he may have gone past Tyrese all the way to Tyson Beckford. Whoa. Wow. Hey. Okay.

Tyrese to Tyson. Let's not say things we can't take back. Wow. All right. Oh, so yeah. I will say that that phenomenon

of like really being like super pumped about a, you know, C plus movie did not extend to Unstoppable. I was watching that going, oh, I didn't like that.

He's a guy running on a train. What more do you want? He's unstoppable. Yeah. It just felt like. The train's unstoppable. Oh, you think the train's unstoppable when you learn that it's the human spirit, the larger ideas that man's bravery. Insights here are unstoppable.

It's really about that pickup truck that was racing alongside the train the whole time. That's what's unstoppable. Where is it driving? I don't know. Who knows? It doesn't matter. It's unstoppable. It's just unstoppable.

Yeah. It's circling the earth. Toward a relationship with Lord and personally. Did you guys watch? Have you guys watched and discussed Two Guns yet? Yes. Yes and no. We haven't and discussed Two Guns yet? Yes. Yes and no. We haven't done the Two Guns episode.

Sure. But it's come up. It has come up. We did like an early episode and then we scrapped it and I think we talked about Two Guns. But we hadn't watched it. I think it was just the most recent movie we'd seen. Sure. And so we kind of went in half-assed.

OK. And then we sort of reset. But we do it sort of alphabetical order. Okay. That's as good a method as any, I guess. We decided instead of starting with the number two, we'll just make it a T. Okay.

It's good that you guys have thought this out. Yeah, we just fuck it. We're not going to do this now. So we're on... We just did, I guess, Inside Man. Oh, cool. But we don't always talk about the movie. Sometimes we just talk about him.

Sometimes we just, you know, talk about elements of sexual masturbation. That's it. Inside Man's good. Yeah. Yes, it is.

God, I would watch, if I could like, again, if I were the president of Hollywood, all I would want would be fucking Inside Man is so deep in my wheelhouse. Yeah Inside Man is so deep in my wheelhouse. Yeah.

Like, so deep in my wheelhouse. Fucking Scott Denzel is fucking beautiful. It has an incredible heist plot that really works. Yeah. Oh, the perfect heist. And Clive Owen doing it. Yeah. I mean.

Oh. I, you know, look. I know that Spike Lee feels like insulted that that was his only success in the last 15 years. And he wants to not do things like that because he wants to make beautiful art films. And, you know, I was interested in the recent Spike Lee art film that I watched. It was very arty. What was that? The Sweet Blood of Jesus.

Oh, yeah. That's interesting. That is a good, if you're writing a comedy sketch about an art film, that would be a great name for it. But I have to say, if Spike Lee just wanted to make... Basically, if all movies

were either Spike Lee or Steven Soderbergh just making a really specific genre movie with either George Clooney or Denzel Washington, I would be happy. Sure. You'd be completely happy. It was so weird that Spike Lee was good at that. Like, I feel like movies are so littered with, like, giving the highbrow auteur guy a genre movie and him just fucking it up. And also, like, Spike Lee movies are so sort of, they're so sort of tonal and shambolic. And, like, the fact that, I mean, I guess they just probably had a great, super tight script.

Spike Lee read it was like, okay, well, I guess my job is to just make this beautiful and pace it well. Yeah. And he did it. And he did an amazing job because he's amazing at making things beautiful. He definitely put his stink on it yeah it was not without its Spike Lee moments

in the movie but yeah I mean it was so god damn good I mean and all just a ton of actors popping up in it you know

Chiwetel Ejiofor Denzel's partner he's like that's a cool when anytime Denzel is paired with like a partner it's always kind of exciting

whether it's Chiwetel or Don Cheadle or I just you know that the Denzel is paired with a partner, it's always kind of exciting. Whether it's Chiwetel or Don Cheadle or just the Denzel team-up. Ultimate Denzel partner. Who are you saying? It's got to be Cheadle. Because even in flight, when Cheadle shows up and is like – and he's not his partner, but Cheadle still kind of shows up to save the day a little bit. Like, I'm going to help you get through this. Well, they're a good team because Denzel's superpower

is his sort of laconic grace. Like, the fact that he is so powerful and so calm and has this incredible quietude. And then Don Cheadle is so amazing at that kind of,

at that kind of, you know, he doesn't have to do a lot to seem coiled. Yeah. You know, he's just such a live wire without,

without having to be like a big physical contrast to Denzel. Well, it was interesting to see, to watch Devil in Blue Dress where he is

kind of larger than life and sort of amped up and you know and then see him in flight and he's just real he just kind of hangs back and it's like let me tell you

what's going to happen here this is why you're doing this wrong this is why you're fucking up this is what I'm going to you know like that type of sort of very intense Don Cheadle

it was super fun to see Don Cheadle, Cohen good at acting breaking Cheadle, It was super fun to see. Don Cheadle, Colin. Good at acting. Breaking. Cheadle, good at acting. I'm interested to hear what you guys. Spacey does good voices. I'm interested to hear what you guys think about Two Guns. The awful, the usually awful modern movie trope of letting the guys do some improv and like clearly something that was really funny on the set just looks dumb in the movie.

Did that happen? I have to see it again. Yeah, it's kind of the Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man situation of like, oh, there's a little part where they just let him goof around and like it kind of ruins. Shut up, Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, you're not funny. Where did you not like robert downey jr improvising give me something specific oh boy there is real life yeah anytime yeah in interviews and public appearances just don't talk yeah there's uh god this you know what i have a specific thing it really bugs me because i love all these movies yeah not all of them but i, but I'm a big fan of all of them. Yeah, I in general

like all the Marvel movies quite a bit, but these little parts pop up that are just like, ugh, why? Like, clearly this was funny to you on set, but why did you include this?

Yeah. He goes, it's like the end of Avengers. Okay. First Avengers. First Avengers. Okay. And it's like

they've beaten back the guys, everybody's exhausted. And he says like, hey, you know, what say we – I know this great little place on Third makes shawarma. Yeah. I don't know what that is, but we should get it. So clearly the line in the script was, I know this great little place on Third. We should go get some shawarma. You know, funny, de-heightening from the action that just happened.

Robert Downey Jr. is like, oh, I'll say, I don't know what that is, because that's a foreign word. And they left that in there. Why is he suggesting it if he doesn't know what it is? Yeah, exactly. Why do you know where the restaurant is, what they serve, how to pronounce it, but you say you don't know what that is. Anyways. I'm with you there. Am I too mad about this? Yes. you there. Am I too mad about this?

Yes. You are. Should I have forgotten about this? Of course. No, you're just right. Robert Downey Jr. is annoying. But yeah, I think he's so good as that character but those little goof around moments,

it's just an annoying Hollywood guy underneath there. I'm glad he really stood up to those independent film people. Oh boy. Finally, someone has the courage to speak out against people who aren't making enough money. Anyway, my point about Two Guns was that it is full of that shit. It's Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg doing a pretty cool action movie, but having these banter moments that are clearly Lucy Goose. But you don't hate them because those guys are great.

Yeah. They're two of the greatest and funniest movie stars who one presumes are not funny at all. No. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like couldn't think of a funny thing to say or anything. No one thinks Denzel is funny, but I know he can be very funny. And Wahlberg, yeah, you don't expect

him to be funny. I mean, I like... Wahlberg and Denzel, if you give them character funniness, they will nail the shit out of you. Both of them. Wahlberg, we know, he's funny and what was the one that he... Wasn't he nominated for The Departed?

Was he nominated for... I don't know. Yeah. I thought that was a weird thing where like, holy shit, Mark Wahlberg got nominated. I could be totally wrong, but he was great in that and he was funny in that.

That is one of those things, though, where I, it's, there's the Denzel team up and then there's the weird Denzel team up and I could not wrap my brain

around Denzel and Mark Wahlberg appearing in a movie. It's very weird. And I was like, yeah, it works. I mean, weird. And I was like, oh. Yeah, it works. I mean, yeah, it helps that they're the two of the greatest guys to point a camera at. I mean, I think one of the big things that makes it work, at least from my perspective, is, you know, it's sort of an unlikely friendship in that one of them is – I'm having a hard time thinking of like what the – one of them is like a black guy.

Yeah. And the other one is more of a – kind of help me here, Jordan. You're thinking of Caucasian. Yeah, like a whiter kind of guy. And so you wouldn't expect them to be friends or work together. It's crazy though. And there's like a cultural, there's a frisson you get from that.

I mean, that was one of the first movies that I ever saw that sort of exploited that frisson, especially in the kind of action comedy genre. I thought it was cool

that you never knew which one was white. Right. That was cool. You just were like, well, until the post-credits sequence. Yes.

Yes. Then Samuel L. Jackson came out and said, that guy's white. Yeah, Yes. Samuel L. Jackson came out. Said that guy's way. Yeah, sure. You got to stay for the post-credit sequence. Thanos comes out, says, fine, I'll do it myself.

Be black. Yeah. Oh, OK. Then you realize Thanos is black. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Bikini season. Volleyball time. Hot dogs and hamburgers.

Get ready to Olympic dive. Fourth of July. Are you ready for rollerblading rain time? That's right. It's Erin and Brian from Throwing Shade. If you didn't know from that very clear intro. We take a look at issues involving ladies and gays and we treat them with much less respect than they deserve. So watch out, punks. So hey, download us and take us to the beach while you're doing your

summertime fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la every day he says to me, Dad, can you make me a rocket ship so big that I can fly in it? I don't mean to laugh at your son's dreams. But they're a little silly. They're a little silly. I don't know. How do you let them down easy?

Yeah. His issue, his thought is that the reason he's not flying is that you haven't built something big enough yet. Right. Like the standard box size of rocket ship that we make for him. Standard cardboard box rocket ship. I think that is the plot to a great film. A man decides, I'm going to build my son that rocket. It starts off, you think he's just going to build a cardboard box thing.

And no, that guy is really in his front yard. It's too dangerous. I don't care. Let him burn. It's a Noah's Ark kind of thing. He's that guy is really in his front yard. It's too dangerous. I don't care. Let him burn. It's a Noah's Ark kind of thing. He's really building a rocket in his front yard. Neighbors are angry. My son will die on the moon. What? Oh, wow. That would be great. You're training your son.

Kevin Costner's too old to play that role. Who's going to fill those shoes? The ghost of Kevin Costner. Got it. Perfect. Now wait. Will he play the father or the baby? Oh. Kevin Costner will play the baby Perfect. Yeah. Well, now wait. Will he play the father or the baby? Oh. Kevin Costner will play the baby? Maybe it'll be like the Wayans Brothers classic, Little Man.

Yes. I think that's what you do. They get a little person, a little person actor, superimpose Kevin Costner's face. Sure. Kenan, we need a meeting. We've got a pitch for you. Put a bunch of dips on him. Is that what you call him?

It's his opera. Dipes? It's his dives. Dives. Dives. Dives. Dives. that what you call them? It's his opera. Dipes? It's his dides. Dides. Dides. Okay. You can call them dipes, though. I called them dipes.

First, I started with dips. Yeah. Well, my son does do a lot of dip. He dips, yeah. He dips a lot. That's just because he's a minor league baseball player. Oh, God. I did that momentarily when I was with the Boy Scouts.

What? That's who taught me how to- In the Boy Scouts? Yeah. Did you get a merit badge for it? No. For gum disease? I mean, you make your own.

You make your own. You spit. You spit on your sash. It's my tobacco merit badge. The mouth cancer merit badge. Okay, Jordan, I have some news. I need to share this news. Okay.

Because we're already an hour into the show. I haven't shared this news yet. This news better not be a snooze. Ooh. Well, I'm going to try it out. I got nothing to lose. Yeah. Ooh, nice.

Whatever you choose. Flooze. No juice. No juice. What's better, no juice or flooze? Flooze is the Whoopi Goldberg internet currency from Web 1.0. You guys, have I mentioned to both of you that I really like

your shoes? Thank you very much. We like your shoes. I'm only talking to one of you. You're both going to have to choose. See what I did? Guys, I've got to get home. I'm making some stews. Various stews.

Multiple stews. You're making some stews. You don't make one stew. You make several stews. You make a week of stews at once. Put them in the freezer. What? I think any loyal Jordan Jessico listener knows that a few months ago, while riding in an Uber car in frigid East Coast weather while wearing a T-shirt, your driver turned to you and said that you look like a real summer boy.

Yes. That happens. Summer boy. I think we all know that. And last week, the topic of summer boys came up on the program. And as you know, our producer, Brian Fernandez, is good at more than just screening calls, editing audio, and laughing outside the booth in a way that makes a small minority of Jordan Jesse Go listeners unduly uncomfortable. He's also a gifted graphic designer. At the end of last week's program, I got home and Brian had already sent me this email,

forgot to mention this to you, how do you like this summer boy t-shirt that I just designed? Let me say, Brian designed an exceptionally good summer boy t-shirt. Okay. And it just so happens that summer is just over the horizon. And I don't want to leave a single person in the Jordan Jesse Go listening audience unprepared for what is clearly going to be the theme of summer 2015, which is summer boys. Summer boys. Go to MaxFunStore right now. Order your summer boy t-shirt or tank. You got to show those guns.

Yeah, sun's out, guns out. I just assumed it would be a tank. We got tanks and tees. Yeah. Look at you. Depending on the quality of your guns. Yeah, sun's out, guns out. I just assumed it would be a tank. We get tanks and tees. Yeah. Look at you guys. Depending on the quality of your guns. Okay. But here's the thing.

This is a limited edition. Oh, man. Two-week order period only. Oh, wow. Starting from the day this episode comes out. So I would get on that. Yeah. So go to maxfundstore.com.

If you blow it, you'll never be a true summer boy. Nope. And you'll go through the entire summer without being a summer boy. Yeah. And that would be dreadful. And I just want, you know, we should probably say a brief word about gender. Right. Is that a summer boy?

It's not a binary. No. It's a spectrum. Yeah. And, you know, no matter how you identify. Right. Whether you're. A summer boy isn't about, you know, a penis or a vagina or what you consider yourself.

Right. It's a state of mind. Exactly. It's like it's like Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Island. Sure. You know, it's a great analogy. It's like here's an example. I'll give you a Jimmy Buffett based example. Let's say that you're at the Jacksonville airport. OK, with you and you're feeling stressed Jacksonville airport. Okay, with you. And you're feeling stressed out. You're on a business trip. You're going to speak at TEDx Jacksonville. You're worried, what if my presentation goes over 16 minutes?

What if there's not a moment of counterintuitive surprise? What if there's not one more thing? Yeah. That's Apple one more thing. Yeah. That's Apple, I know. And you're sitting at the gate. I know. And you think, I need to take a moment for myself.

I need to escape the world that I'm in and go to a different world. Metaphorically speaking, feel my toes curling on a sandy beach. Then you go to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville restaurant in the Jacksonville airport and have yourself whatever, a margarita, I guess. You know? Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah. Chicken tenders, maybe. Chicken tenders, sure. Coconut shrimp. Coconut shrimp probably sounds pretty good. Maybe a chicken quesadilla. Oh, that sounds good right now, actually. Fajita. That would. Coconut shrimp probably sounds pretty good. Maybe a chicken quesadilla. Oh, that sounds good right now, actually.

Fajita. That would be good. That would be good. Just got to chill that cheese in it so it won't melt. Quick word about the margaritas, Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. Yeah? They're real good. Are they really?

Yes, they're real good! Huh. Yeah, they're great. Let's say you need that, but you're not in the Jacksonville airport. If you have one of these t-shirts, summer comes to you wherever you are. And not just summer in terms of the literal physical weather, although this t-shirt will change the weather. It will bend the weather. Sure.

So it will move. A day that would have been 65 will become 70. I'm not saying that it's going to go from 65 to 85. It will bend, not break the weather. Each shirt contains a thread made from the destroyed coffin of the flash-filled weather wizard. Wow. That's why it can change the weather. Wow.

That was so complicated. I thought you were going Storm from the X-Men, but... Oh, she's still alive. Yeah. Also, spoiler alert, Weather Wizard is dead. Sorry, guys. Great. I didn't mean to break it to you that Weather Wizard is dead. Okay.

I don't know if he's dead. It's too late, man. Yeah. Wait, you don't know if Weather Wizard is dead? I don't. You just asserted that he was dead? Yeah, and then we used his coffin to make the shirts. Do you or don't you know that Weather Wizard is dead?

I do not. I don't know that. Okay. Are we talking about the TV show? I don't know. I'm sorry, guys. I didn't think this out. How about each T-shirt comes with a swatch of a game-used jersey from Ozzie Smith, otherwise

known as The Wiz. Great. Great. Okay. Perfect. So go to maxfunstore.com right now. You'll get your collectibles. You'll get your weather-bending powers.

And you'll get a new state of mind. It really is a super cool-looking t-shirt. Brian did an amazing job. Very simple. It's got a kind of slightly tropical color scheme, but not so tropical that it would be difficult to wear in a non-tropical context. Sure. So you can blend no matter what the weather is.

Well, I mean, the weather's going to be a little better if you put on this shirt, both inside and out. Food at? MaxFunStore.com. Two weeks only. Order it or forever regret your choices. Sorry if you waited a long time to listen to this podcast. You're fucked.

Yeah. Fuck you. That's why you don't listen the week it comes out. Don't email us in 2019 and say, oh, I started from the beginning and I just caught up and I heard about the,

I heard about Weather Wizard dying. I heard about the Summer Boy t-shirts. Oh man, that'd be great. Hashtag this show, RIP Weather Wizard. Man, can I tell you, I knew this guy and I literally met this guy two times. But there was this thing called Youth Radio in Oakland.

And this guy who was like a program graduate. He was like a senior counselor type at this thing. Maybe he was like 19 or 20 counselor type at this thing like maybe he was like 19 um or 20 okay you know something like that and uh he was like super social i met him at some public radio thing and his his name was the whiz and i was like what and he totally pulled it off like he was like so genial and like and like fun he was sort of like sort of remind you of, like, Kenan Thompson or something like that. Wow. And he was called The Wiz.

He said, hey, what's up? I'm Wiz. Oh, so, wait, W-H-I-Z or W-I-Z? No, W-I-Z, I think. That's dope. I know it's dope. If you can pull that off, come on. Give me a break.

I think Weather Wizard's okay. I just looked on his Wikipedia. Oh, thank God. Well, okay. Oh me a break. I think Weather Wizard's okay. I just looked on his Wikipedia. Oh, thank God. Well, okay. Oh, thank God. You could rest. I'm saying thank God that the Wikipedia editors made time. Yeah.

Put together a nice page for the Weather Wizard. Good for them. Captain Cold, on the other hand. Some notability complaints regarding. Sorry. He was hit by a truck. Significant notability complaints regarding the Jordan Jesse Go page, but Weather Wizard is safe.

Okay, go to maxfundstore.com. Let's do momentous occasions, shall we? When something momentous happens to you, our listener, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN. It's going to be tough to top Party Barge. Mm-hmm. But let's take a listen to what we've got. Hi, Jordan and Jesse.

Well, I had a bit of a shocking moment this occasion today when I was commuting to work as in normally by walking up 7th Avenue in Midtown Manhattan. When a police horse assaulted me. I was listening to my podcast and all of a sudden a giant police horse nose was on my shoulder. And I had a huge disgusting knot to deal with on my shoulder and my handbag and the cop just walked away. I believe the police in this country are truly out of control this is the evidence we've been waiting for good night they're really the the the typically unblotched uh record of the police department you know as a minor a minor infraction the last couple years the last year or two years, I've heard a lot of people saying things about abuse of power in the police department. And here's what I'm saying, Kevin, and I'm sure you're with me on this. Sure.

Show me the evidence. You know what I mean? Show me the evidence. I want to see some evidence that these trusted members of our community might occasionally work outside the bounds of law and morality. That's all you're saying. And, yeah, previously it was just a bunch of, I'm so glad that we finally got confirmation that these police are out of control. And I hope that Mayor de Blasio does something about this.

You know what I mean? Well, when the horses get in on the action, too, you know there's a problem. Right. I wouldn't have believed it if these horses hadn't started snotting on people. Do you think... Disgusting.

Can I ask you a question? Do you think that President Barack Obama is more or less likely to take on this issue because of his cultural background? I'm referring to his time in Indonesia.

Oh, boy. I'm referring to his time in Indonesia. Oh, boy. I think he would have to. Right. I think he would have to. And, Kevin, I don't want you to feel like you have to speak for all horse lovers here. No. No, no, no, no. No, I understand.

But when there's horse snot involved, Right. I think the people are going to be at the gates. The White House has gates, right? Sure. Okay. They're going to be at the portcullis of the White House. They're going to be at that drum ridge.

Right. Angrily. They're going to be swimming through that moat past those crocs. They're coming at you. They're going to be riding the dragons. They're going to dodge the boiling oil. Yeah. They will be in their catapults being launched over the fence.

Sure. And trebuchets. Yeah. They're going to want results and answers. No matter what war machine they may be using. Whether Orkin. No. Elvish.

Dwarven. Whether they're flown into the White House and dropped there by those giant eagles from the Lord of the Rings. Sure. Those guys are great. Whether they drop in inside of an elephant in a sort of crazy Greek myth version of the film Operation Dumbo Drop. That's what Operation Dumbo Drop was all about.

People rallying against horse nuts. The siege of Troy. Yeah. The meta-narrative of Operation Dumbo Drop. Why do we still remember that Operation Dumbo Drop existed? It's just one of those movie titles that sticks with you because it's so insane. They burned that movie into our brain. Is Operation Dumbo Drop or larger than life?

Which one has Janine Garofalo? Which one has Bill Murray? I don't know that either has either. I couldn't tell you anything about Operation Dumbo Drop other than it existed. Dennis Leary is in Operation Dumbo Drop. Good casting. Bill Murray might be in Operation Dumbo Drop.

No. What was the other one? Janine Garofalo. No, but what was the title of the... Larger Than Life. I don't remember that. It was like when the two Asteroid movies came out at the same time. I'm going to say that Bill Murray was in Operation Dumbo Drop.

Because I don't remember Ginny and Garofalo being in it. I never saw either of those movies. Well, listen, I'm going to take this opportunity to say my piece. Okay. Which is,

when it comes to lesser Bill Murray movies from the lowest point in his career, you could do a lot worse than the man who wasn't there, which is actually really funny. I don't know what that movie is. Isn't that what it's called? Yeah.

That's the respectable mid-period Bill Murray movie. Yeah, it's really funny. Yeah. The Man Who Wasn't There. I've heard of it. It's right around the time of Space Jam Cameo. That's like what period in the Bill Murray. In the Operation Dumbo Drop era.

But The Man Who Wasn't There was a Bill Murray. In the Operation Dumbo Drop era. The man who wasn't there was a Bill Murray. I really hope I'm getting the name of this movie right. Are you confirming that for me, Jordan? Yeah, I think I know which one you're talking about. It's the one where he bumbles his way into... It's a bumbling spy movie. Yeah, it's great. It's really funny.

There you go. Okay. Great is strong. It's very enjoyable and very funny. Gotta put that at the top of the neck. The man who knew too little. I knew the neck? The Man Who Knew Too Little. I knew The Man Who Wasn't There is the wrong name. Okay. Oh, that's the Coen Brothers. That's the Coen Brothers movie with Billy Bob Thornton.

And then Aliens at the end for some reason. And me being really uncomfortable at how erotic I find like a 17-year-old Scarlett Johansson. Yeah, well, that was the idea. Yeah, I know, right? I mean, can't blame yourself too much for that. A little rough, though. By design, as they say. Okay, here we go.

Telephone call on number two. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go, Sunny D. Now, here's the thing. Me and my boyfriend have been in an open relationship. We've been doing it for about a year. I'm absolutely in love with him. It's not going to be like that. But I've been the one getting action.

He's just not. No. You're kidding. No. You're kidding me. That he's good at. And I knew that when I started dating him. And that's so bad of me.

But my momentous occasion is that my boyfriend got laid. Oh, boy, did he get laid. And the part two to this momentous occasion is that I was really afraid that it'd be like, as a black woman, I was afraid that it'd be like some skinny white chick, and that was terrifying. No, it's just this like thick little black girl. And he said, she looks like me.

So my momentous occasion is that I've permanently changed my boyfriend's type in women. Oh, thanks guys. This is a really powerful and beautiful moment for something. Yes. This is so complicated. Yeah, fraught. Boy, okay. Should we just end the show?

Do we have enough information? Like permanently, like never do the podcast again. He's got to be white, right? I guess. Seems like it. Yeah. Yes. The way she's talking about him, it seems like once you go black.

Sure. It sounds like that's the phenomenon she's describing. him, it seems like once you go black. Sure. It sounds like that's the phenomenon she's describing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it sounds like he's never going back. Can I ask you guys a sort of related question? Sure. Shoot.

I don't watch a lot. Have I gone black? I don't watch a lot of television commercials. I don't watch a lot of TV live on TV like a lot of people these days. Typical millennial. I know, right? Oh, jeez. Binge watch Snapchat.

We are so obnoxious. Oh, boy. Aren't we? No. Anyway, selfie on fleek. Jesse, continue. Nice try, new addition. But it just so happens, my favorite basketball club has been participating in the National Basketball Association's playoff series.

Okay. Which is like a series of games that they play amongst themselves to determine who will be the champion for the year. I like that you call them a club. Yeah. A team. It's a club of basketball enthusiasts, highly skilled basketball fans. There's an Australian man. Okay.

Yeah. It's just a fun group of guys. I'll just say this. It's a fun group of guys. Sure. Okay. Sharpshooting, great passes. They really know how to come off the screen. Okay? Yeah.

So anyway, I've been watching television commercials. Has there ever been a television commercial where there's a couple in the commercial and the woman has darker skin than the man? In the history of television commercials.

Oh, boy. Tough for me i mean i just don't see color so i mean i'm a bad guy to ask yeah so i feel like there i feel like there are so many interracial uh couple commercials now relative to even 10 or 15 years ago yeah um you know like and it's clear they've like made a priority They're like, we're going to have interracial couples. But literally the first time that I – the next time I see even a dark-skinned African-American woman with a lighter-skinned African-American man will be the first time in my life. Well, yeah, there's the weird thing where they like to play with the ambiguity, the ambiguous ethnicities, you know, so you don't know. So there may be like a – there's one commercial I'm thinking of where – I can't remember what it was for. But it was like you're looking at this woman and you can't tell what ethnicity she is.

And you know what her beer is. Am I right? Miller Chill. That's right. I kind of love a Miller chill right about now. Be so good. Let's all get some. Let's all get a chill.

Yeah. Yeah, there's, well, they do this in movies where they play around with like the black guy, but they put the, we're not sure what she is. Right. Sure. To pair him up. You know, like Will Smith and Eva Mendes. Sort of like a dark-skinned Puerto Rican woman. Yeah, you can't do like a romantic comedy with a black guy and just a white woman.

Like I think a lot of times Hollywood's afraid to do that. Oh, yeah. Well, she's not white, but she's not black. Yeah, I think that's a good way to have it both ways is you can show that you are scoring one for diversity but also not piss off rednecks. Yes. Or not anger them violently. And that's who's going to movies. Sure, rednecks.

That's where the four quadrants. Sure, yeah. They are. There's teens, couples on date night, rednecks, and wizards. Yes. Whether and otherwise. But specifically R&B wizards. Yeah, sure.

There's four quadrants of wizards, too. You have R&B wizards. You have weather wizards. Standard Merlin. Merlin wizards. Sure. I like that there could be redneck wizards out there Well the grand wizard I cast this spell upon thee Grand wizards

Is the fourth category All grand wizards No other member of the clan Just grand wizards They're the only ones permitted to see films 206-9844-FUN Is our phone number 206-9844-FUN Just Grand Wizards. They're the only ones permitted to see films. 2069844 fun is our phone number. 2069844 fun.

Or email us at JJGo at MaximumFun.org if you want to make some cool marketing materials for movies based on our four quads. You have an idea for a film that appeals to weather wizards. Wow.

It's a movie about the flash dive. Yeah. Oh, my God. We'll be back in just a second. I'll join Jessica. Bye. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Sure. Shouldn't have gotten up in that reactor. No. No. But that's the problem with being a falcon. Well, now you've got those superpowers. You're always flying in reactors.

I know. And jet engines. Might be mice in there. Yeah. Who knows where those mice... I live in fear of a bird flying into the fuselage of a plane that I'm on. It's a concern. Yeah, that could happen.

Mm-hmm. Planes have a couple of different engines usually, so you don't have to worry about it too much. It would just be noisy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're concerned about trying to sleep on the plane is my problem. You're concerned about the clatter. Yeah.

That's why you don't like Teddy Riley production. You're on a plane. You're trying to watch Paul Blart 2. You're like, God damn it. I don't want to listen to Jam by Michael Jackson. Too many rhythm tracks. Too many trebly rhythm tracks. That song eventually grew on me.

Jam? Yeah. Yeah. I listened to Dangerous the other day, and I was like, I wasn't quite ready to like, it still sounds a little bit too dated to me. Oh, yeah. Incredibly dated. Well, because it's so profoundly dated.

Yeah. But I was like, but I'm a little bit into it, too. Yeah. Like, I kind of like it. Like, I remember. Oh, because at the time, look, we're wrapping this show up. We're not going to get involved in a whole exegesis. Next week.

Next week. A whole exegesis about mid-late period Michael Jackson. But the problem with Dangerous was that was really the end of New Jacks. He got with that stuff at the very end of it. And so it already sounded almost dated by the time that album came out. He had the same problem as Stevie Wonder, where they kind of took, they just said, how much, well, can we put more, can we layer it with more percussion?

Right. Just anything. You got a pot you want to bang or something like that. Or, you know, like that was their, that album is filled with snaps and But it's kind of cool. And Michael's doing all those weird noise, making weird noises. He loves making noises. I think it's great. Grows on you. All for it.

Yeah. Okay. Anyway. Kevin Avery. You can find his jokes on the Home Box Office Network. Sure. Again, call your cable provider. They'll set you up. Or get HBO Now. Or just get HBO Now, which is a digital service.

Yeah. It's great. You know, that'll stream HBO directly to your home personal computer or your television set-top box. Yeah. Just stay out of the After Dark tab. Trust me. Okay. Trust me.

Too sexual? The late night tab. Too sexual? There is some stuff on there that I would not want my kids to see. Really? No. I would not want my kids to see it. Why do you usually show your kids?

I close up some penetration. Right. Oh, yeah. Gotcha. You will not see any of that in the late night tab. I don't like that there's no penetration. No. I would just imagine the late night tab is just ghost stories.

The guy with the flat. Yeah. Yeah, just Paul Giamatti with a flashlight into his face. Yeah. And a little bit of porn. Yeah. It's just stuff about overnight jobs. Yeah.

Like third shift work. Yeah. Nurse shows. Piercing shows. Talk about working at a quarry. Night quarry. Night quarry. Shows about being a longshoreman.

Night quarry with Harry Anderson. That's what Harry Anderson's up to now. Night quararry. Shows about being a longshoreman. Night Quarry with Harry Anderson. That's what Harry Anderson's up to now. Night Quarry. Just bull breaking rocks. Working on my night rocks. Kevin Avery is also one of the hosts of Denzel Washington Show. I wish there was just a Denzel Washington Show. We could just watch him weekly.

Denzel Washington Show. It's a show about Denzel Washington show. We could just watch him weekly. Denzel Washington show. It's a show about Denzel Washington. Denzel Washington is the greatest actor of all time, period. I mean, you could just search Denzel Washington. Probably could. And click on the podcast tab. Or Denzel will just show up if you search hard enough. Hey, guys, it's me.

Yeah, hey. Who wants a Miller chill? Someone looking for me? Man, how cool would that be if Denzel came out to your house and started handing out Miller chills? Oh, my God. Can I say, I don't, you know, Kevin, you don't know this, but I don't drink. I prefer if Denzel would come to my watch,

come to my house and maybe hand out Peña Fells. I mean, either way. Hand out what? Peña Fell. What the hell is that? Some Mexican soda. Oh. It's like a mineral water soda. Sounds refreshing. It was very... I mean, he could bring Jarritos.

If he wants to bring Jarritos, I'm cool with that, too. Whatever he wants to bring is cool. If he wants to bring a Sangria Mundial... Mundial? Mundial. Mundial. Mundial. If he wants to show up and just say, I brought the ice, that's fine.

Yeah, that's pretty dope. That guy. Dude, you know what I think? I don't have an ice maker. Can I tell you something about Denzel? You know what I bet that dude has at his house? What? Ice maker. Pebble ice maker. That's the good shit.

That's the good shit. What is that? Pebble ice? You don't know about pebble ice? No, I don't. Dang, son. You gotta get on that pebble ice thing. Pebble ice is where it's at. Sounds like I, man. Pebble ice is where it's at. Sounds like I need to. Pebble ice is where it's at. Our friend Ben Harrison from the Let's Drink About It podcast, he and his wife are getting

married. They looked into, he and his fiance are getting married. They looked into getting themselves a pebble ice machine. Turns out they cost like $8,000. Money well spent. That's why only the sweetest burger joints have pebble ice. If I ever meet Denzel Washington, I'm going to ask him if he has a pebble ice maker. You know that dude got a pebble ice.

That dude does everything first class. I'm just going to confirm. You think that guy's eating fucking cubes, fat, gross cubes, slimy, disgusting, opaque cubes? You never know. Maybe he's just a man of the people. Yeah, sure. That dude likes his ice fluffy. Maybe he's just a man of the people. Yeah, sure. That dude likes his ice fluffy. He can't be seen with boutique ice.

No. It goes all your cred. Denzel fucks with that fluffy shit. You're probably right. You think Denzel, when Denzel invites a chick over, and you know he does, and you know when Denzel invites a chick over, it's a beautiful chick. Yeah. Okay. Denzel invites a chick over? It's a beautiful chick.

Yeah. Okay. So he invites a lady over to his house, and he says, would you like a root beer? And she says, yes. He says, I also have penne fat. She's like, I already said yes to the root beer. Don't list more drinks, please. This is too much.

Would you like a tie ice to you? I have a small bladder. Root beer's fine. And he says, how do you like your ice? Fluffy, I presume. He goes, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, pebble ice machine, ba-bang, bang, bang. Pour, the perfect pour. Ah!

I got to get one of these machines. They're nice. Where can I, Can I just... You just got to go to a dope burger place. Like a good burger place. A certain taco place. Burger place. PebbleLyce, that's what's up.

Okay. I'm going to get arrested trying to pull one of those machines out of my restaurant. This week's Jordan Jesse Go is entitled Jordan Jesse Go, colon, a tribute to PebbleLyce. Kevin Avery, it's been a delight to have you on the program. Thank you. Thank you very much for taking the time out of your busy

show business schedule yes to come and visit with us well thanks for having me Brian Fernandez is our producer aka Sonny D that's him laughing

outside the booth you can talk about our show maximumfund.reddit.com is a great place to do it Facebook Facebook search for the Maximumfun.reddit.com is a great place to do it. Facebook. Facebook. Search for the Maximum Fun Group. A lot of fun talk there.

Our forum. Forum.maximumfun.org. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. I want to see them quadrants. Send me a pebble ice machine. I want a pebble ice machine. Pebble ice is the best ice. It's better than that perfectly square, super clear hipster bar ice.

It's the number one type of ice is pebble ice. We'll be back. Could the show be over, please? We'll be back next week. Please, could the show be over? Jordan, Jessica. Ugh.