Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 380: Meowklyn with Blaine Capatch

Episode Date: June 8, 2015

Comedian and writer Blaine Capatch joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of their kids' viewing obsession, Jordan's visit to CatCon, and fundamentalist praying mantises.Action Item: call in with your Summer Boy Activities!  206-984-4FUN!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, Man of Action. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. That's like my new powerful adult nickname, Man of Action. Yeah. What sorts of actions? So far? Mm-hmm. We had those dried apricots. Yeah. What sorts of actions? So far? Mm-hmm.

We had those dried apricots. Yeah. Those were good. Dried apricot distribution. Mm-hmm. Self-pleasure. Acts of self-pleasure. Okay.

I mean, that's the main action. Would you count self-pleasure and ejaculation as two different actions? Yeah. You know what? Sure. I'll be generous. Go ahead. So that's three acts.

So distributing apricots. Dried apricots. Self-pleasure. Then ejaculation. Are they called apricots or apricots? You know, I just say – Regionalism? Yeah.

I just say it depending on how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling a little saucier, apricot. But if I'm feeling kind of chill – Remember that map from the New York Times of how different people say different things? Just like medians? Sure. We better check that before we say apricot or apricot. We're going to get letters.

Yeah. So distributing apricots is one. Two. So if you're eating them while you're doing your self-pleasure, that'd be kind of a fat-pricot. That'd be kind of a fat-pricot. That'd be kind of a fat-pricot, Jesse? Jordan, your job is to ask you to spend too much time on Reddit. Let me tell you about shit lords and ham planets, Jesse. So, yeah, I mean, that's my top three.

Oh, I did eat some almonds. You know, I think this more than qualifies you for the nickname Man of Action. These sound like four terrific dynamic actions. Right. So one is the pistoning action required to engage in self-pleasure. Sure. Or

couch thrusting, but you do it your way, I'll do it my way. Right. Two is I gave you some dried apricots or apricots. Can we count that as two different things? No. Okay. I've been generous so far, but I'm not going to let you call those two different actions.

Well, I gave you some apricots and I ate some apricots. How about that? All right. So that's up to five actions. You know what? You say apricot. I say apricot. Let's call the whole thing off.

Sure. Our guest on this week's program is a beloved stand-up comedian of the stand-up comedy stage. He's a writer for televisions at midnight. One of the best shows on television

if you ask me. Certainly the best written show on television. Take that, madman. You hear that, whiner? Blaine Kapach. name is Blaine Take that, mad men. You hear that, whiner? Blaine Kapach. Hi, Blaine Kapach. Hey, hi. Hi, Jesse.

Hi, Jordan. I like that Blaine Kapach comes in here with bringing some dulcet tones. I like to kind of keep it low and inside. You don't want to do some dedications?

Yeah, well, you know, we have some Doobie Brothers coming up. Wait, you're dedicating the Doobie Brothers? China Grove going out to Debbie in El Segundo. She got knocked up to this back in 1998. That's a long time ago.

Look it up. Hey, what's up? My name is Jessica. I want to dedicate the Doobie Brothers to Chewy. He's locked up right now, but he always loves those Doobies. Gotta love the Doobies. to Chewy. He's locked up right now. But he always loves those doobies. Gotta love the doobies. Here they are. I forget how it starts.

Yeah, man. If you can't fuck to the doobs, you should get yourself checked out. You should get your prostate checked out because. And in Russia, if you can't doob to the fucks. All right. That's it. I got to go check my meter. Thanks, Blaine. Thanks the fucks. All right. That's it. I got to go check my meter.

Thanks, Blaine. Thanks for being here. All right. I got to go. Roblatter. I'm a big fan of Blaine Kapatch's all-dedication

dad rock station. Yeah. You dedicate the moody blues. Hey, you know what? Somebody loves somebody 12 months a year.

That's why this little song by a little friend of mine named Neil Sadaka going out is called Calendar Girl. I love, I love, I love my calendar girl. Like the Ted Cruz of 50s pop music. He's another one of those guys with a neck cankle. Just the chin goes right into the belly. Sort of like an iguana, I guess. Would that be like a throat waddle, kind of a waddle that extends?

Well, when Ted Cruz is threatened, he puffs up his waddle to make himself appear bigger to the mountain lion that's trying to eat him. It also helps him lodge in the throat of a large predator and cough him up. Wouldn't an example of something he would be threatened by be like someone who wants to uh see the constitution as a living document yeah so well yeah if somebody is is trying to challenge the original intent of the founders what ted cruz does is he takes off his shirt and displays two giant markings on his back that look like eyes right so they think he's a bigger creature than he is. And they see him as a threat.

Also, that's why others say he's so colorful is to appear poisonous. He does have a very liberal interpretation of the Bill of Rights. And he says it applies to – So you were talking to him? Yeah, I was talking to presidential candidate Ted Cruz. Just casually? In my capacity as an NPR journalist, National Public Radio. And he said to me he thinks that the Constitution in full, including the Bill of Rights, applies to stick-like insects.

So insects that appear to be sticks and leaves, he thinks are full citizens. Not just that they should be granted full citizenship, that they are by nature native-born full citizens. Not just that they should be granted full citizenship, that they are, by nature, native-born full citizens. He's just trying to court the praying mantises. Right. They're a powerful lobby. They're very powerful. And because they're all Catholics, they tend to vote conservative. Right.

Very fundamentalist, the praying mantises. Sure. And they always look like they're looking right at you no matter where you are. Oh, those little black eye're looking right at you no matter where you are. Oh, those little black eye holes looking right at you. Like googly cookie monster eyes on praying mantises. Oh, it's looking right at me. They've got those bumper stickers

that say, I eat my mate and I vote. Sure. Ask me about my young. Someone went to a spittle nest three feet away from me and all I got was this lousy something a mantis would wear. What would it be? Carapace?

Exoskeleton? All I got was this lousy exoskeleton? They don't have a chrysalis, do they? There's some sort of encasement going on. No, I don't think they have any kind of metamorphosis that they go through. Although maybe they do. Hey, larva, pupa, mantis. Yeah, larva, pupa.

You got it. And then they probably, you know, like fuck around a little in college. Right. Sure. Like experiment. Yeah. Like with their roommates. What if I became a beautiful butterfly?

Oh, man. Just don't come home for Thanksgiving. It'll kill your father. I'm kidding. I already ate them. No set of mind will have a pupil phase. Can we do an apt pupil joke? Any apt pupil jokes?

Check, check. Probably. Sorry, I'm just checking my cans. I feel like a... Is there a can adjustment on these things? Yeah. We'll take a break in a second, and we'll adjust our cans. All right, cool.

I'm freaking out, you guys. I know. Blank Apache is having some trouble over there. It's okay, guys. Look at the odometer. Amazing, isn't it? This odometer flipping around is my altimeter. No, it's the altimeter.

I blew my own joke. I was going for a Warner Brothers plane going straight down with the altimeter. Going around and around. Sure. Now we have to pay for it. Blaine, you were telling me before we started that you have found a new stash of Donald Duck cartoons for your child to watch. I did. Because this is what he's into.

Yeah, like he wants to watch Donald Duck. Da, da, da, da. How old is your child? 17. Right. He just turned two. But he plays 17. Right.

So I'm looking to get him cast. But he likes Donald Duck, and he doesn't like anything else. I tried to get him to watch some Roadrunners, and he was patient with those, and Tex Avery. He just wants to watch Donald Duck and he doesn't like anything else. I tried to get him to watch some Roadrunners and he was patient with those and Tex Avery. He just wants to watch Donald Duck. He gets upset. What was the Roadrunner that was a turnoff? It wasn't Donald Duck.

Okay. He's just got his kid thing going on. Yeah. My son will only watch Toy Story 3 right now. How old? Exclusively. He's three and a half. Oh, okay. And there's no – you can't even make a suggestion of something other than Toy Story 3.

Even Toy Stories 1 and 2 are off the table now. He will engage in idle speculation about what might and might not be in Toy Story 4. Ah, okay. He learned that there will at some point be a Toy Story 4 and he'll look to the future on that issue. And how does he feel about – I mean does he weigh in on Marvel casting news? He said – Rumors as to who's going to be in Spider-Man? He said something to me that – look, this isn't kids say the darndest things, but he said something to me about Toy Story.

And it was the darndest thing. It really was the darndest thing. I'll be the judge of how darned this is. How darned was it? I think, you know, you can't objectively judge how darned the thing your own kid says. Because, you know, let me, as an objective third party, let me vote how darned this is. Are you looking it up on your phone? Yeah.

Okay. So I have it here. Are you looking it up on your phone? Yeah. Okay. So I have it here. So the context was that I was trying to – he was taking his bath, but he was taking an early bath. So he had a little bit of time between bath and stories brushing teeth in bed.

And so the NBA finals were on. And I'm a Golden State Warriors fan and they're in the finals for the first time in my entire life. Very excited about it. I'm more of an Inca Army guy. Yeah. I like the Incas. Totally. Well, I mean, Jordan's an Olmec guy, so you guys are going to have a little static.

Sure. Jordan has always been an Olmec guy. Mexical-al. Yeah. So I'm trying to convince Simon that what he wants to watch is the NBA finals. I'm like, you want to watch basketball? We can see the Warriors play basketball. I'm just trying to convince him that what he wants to watch is the NBA finals. I'm like, you want to watch basketball? We can see the Warriors play basketball. I'm just trying to convince him that this is something he likes. Sure.

Because sometimes you can. Sometimes with a child, if you sort of gaslight them. If you make them think it's their call. Yeah. You can kind of gaslight them into thinking that something is right is like something that they already were into. But I was failing. And he said to me, this is a direct quote that I wrote down immediately afterwards. He said, Toy Story 3, that's the only show I want to watch in the world.

So if you expect me to watch a show, you must turn on Toy Story 3. Okay. That's the darndest. Right. That's the darndest. You must turn on Toy Story 3. He knows what he wants. That's almost like.

He knows what the stakes are too. I feel like that was worded like it was Maoist propaganda. I know. If you expect me to watch a show... Look, it is I, the boat company. Sure, yeah. Father, you are a paper tiger. I will eat, but I must also chew.

What? Makes perfect sense to a kid. So how did he end up? Why? What is it about Donald Duck? Is it that he makes those funny noises? Not sure. He reacts funny to teeth.

When people smile, when people show a lot of teeth, he will, like, blurt out a little chuckle. Which one is Donald Duck? Is Donald Duck Bugs Bunny's friend or Mickey Mouse's friend? It's Mickey Mouse's friend. He's Disney. Oh. Yeah, we took him to Disneyland and he lost his shit, but he does that all the time anyway. What's the other duck?

Howard. The other duck is Daffy and Daffy is Warner Brothers. Daffy. Now that's a fun duck. Well, I think they're both quick to anger. I think they're both cut from the same cloth. There's no doubt that Donald Duck is the only one of any of those Disneyland guys that has any merit at all. Well, you know, I thought that – I think that watching Donald, Donald has anger and sort of sadomasochistic.

He's more of a sociopath duck. Right. He comes from a place – one of his lines is – like he'll see Chip and Dale like doing something and he'll go, oh boy, now to have some fun. And then he'll fuck with them. Or he's messing with a bee at the beach and he'll put the bee in a bottle. And if the bee stops flying or gets tired, he'll drown. It's that kind of shit. He speaks to a child's love of torturing small creatures.

Yeah, and killing. A child's natural inclination to kill. But he also, like, when he goes into these mad rages where they blur the animation, there'll be multiple images of him on screen at once, and he reacts to those.

And, like, I've found that the Warner Brothers are more adult. You need to be a little more nuanced, a little more grown up to sort of get, oh, okay, this is a laid-back character. They're more, their characters on Warner Brothers

are not archetypes. So I think the Disney stuff is a laid-back character. They're more characters on Warner Brothers and not archetypes. So I think the Disney stuff is a little more accessible to kids. Then again, I've never been a child. I've always been a fully grown man. Sure. There's speculation at that point. I tried to put on Pink Panther so it would be silent. It would be like that kind of stuff.

You get a nice jazz background to whatever you're doing. When you say Pink Panther, you mean the cartoon character from the insulation commercials, or are you talking about the Peter Sellers movies? No, the Steve Martin Pink Panther, over and over, with the director's commentary running underneath. He didn't seem to like it for some reason. My son only watches the movie cheaper by the dozen. He likes late period Steve Martin. He likes late period Steve Martin. He loves late period. Late period, family friendly Steve Martin.

He's a real silver fox. Sure. I tried to show him Bowfinger, but he said no. So I'm not having this. Yeah, the man with two brains didn't do anything for him. Given the choice. Dead men don't wear plaid. I couldn't fuck a gorilla.

Given the choice, I couldn't fuck a gorilla. The one thing he would most like to watch is probably Steve Martin playing banjo on a television show when you wish he would tell some jokes. Sure. You know? That's his favorite thing. Has he seen The Jerk? No, he hasn't seen The Jerk. You've got to show him The Jerk. At three?

Age three is jerk time? That's perfect jerk time. Yeah, it's when he understands, you know, calling a penis something that it's not. He's a man child. Yeah. How exciting it is to have your name in the phone book. I'm wondering at what point my child will understand the Warner Brothers cartoons. Because the Warner Brothers cartoons cartoons i'll watch that

that's pretty funny yeah those things are i mean even 75 years later or whatever it is i'm like i see that and i'm like oh yeah that's funny you know what i mean it's uh it like i said they are a little more subtle i believe really than the yeah then the all the disney stuff is so it's it's so broad and then it got broader. There's a whole new thing like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, that kind of stuff where everybody's – Oh, Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog. I'm familiar with that. Yeah, exactly.

It's just written for – I would hate to live in a universe with those Disney characters where everything is a problem that you need your friends to help solve. You know, like, I need to make some coffee. What do I need? Pluto, you've got to help me make some coffee. Hey, Mickey, maybe you need a pot and some ground. Oh, Jesus. Everybody has to get in on juicing a thing or cleaning your house. Like, before you watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse,

when you asked him to go make you a pot of coffee, what happened? Well, I showed him how to make the Keurig as soon as he got home

from the hospital. Right. So he just needs to learn about pod-based coffee. And he draws like little designs in the foam.

They're very naive. I put his foam designs up on our refrigerator. He draws naive. He characterizes them as naive. I put his foam designs up on our refrigerator. He draws naive. He characterizes them as naive. Would you say they're American folk art? I'd say they're American something. Jesse, do you think what your son likes so much about Toy Story 3

is that it's a meditation on death and growing old? Yes, absolutely. He still doesn't seem to understand that Lotso Huggenbear is the bad guy. Oh, yeah? Like when Lotso Huggenbear turns evil, he doesn't even process it. Does not even seem to phase him at all. As far as he's concerned, all of these guys are his friends and they're having an adventure together. And what it is, he doesn't care.

By the time it's two-thirds of the way through the movie, he's just jumping up and down on the couch anyway. So, yeah, it is a weird thing. I saw it in the theater with Patton, and we were both trying to pretend that we weren't crying. It was really hard to not cry at that. I cried like a motherfucker. Yeah, it was really.

It was like, oh, this is unexpected. You're like, you know, during the climax of this movie, I want to smell my jacket. Is that how you fake it? What do you do when you're watching a classic cartoon with a kid and a racist thing comes up? Oh, yeah. Because it feels like that happens a lot, right? Well, that's when I explain the differences in the races from my people. Oh, okay.

The ridges on their skulls make them to be deceptive. Yeah, the way leg muscles are bred and things like that. I'd let my kid in on all the deep cut races and winning seasons. Oh, it's never too soon to start teaching your kid about phrenology. The Disney stuff, there's always something World War II based. phrenology the disney stuff the disney stuff there's always something world war ii based it's like i know it's not i know it's not a a way to justify it or anything but when the disney racist stuff comes up it's always like oh it's anti-japanese it's anti you know russian or whatever but it's it's like okay we're just coming off the war and then i go oh wait a minute now i'm

falling for some sort of bullshit argument. These are horrible people. Sort of weirdly fascist. I know someone who works at Disney Animation. And he secretly reintroduced Song of the South into the Disney library. They have like an internal library. And it had been like excised completely. And he had to just like go like, hey, should I just put Song of the South in here? And they're like, you have it? And I'm like, and he's like, yeah, I mean, you can get it on the Internet.

And he totally had to sneak it in because it's so weirdly racist. But I mean, there's a whole, what about those crows from Dumbo? Sure. Also, how could you make a child watch anything that sad? Oh, God, yeah. Dumbo was awful. I mean, I still remember the one for me as a kid that I'm like, this is too sad for me and I'm thinking about dying was Pinocchio. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Pinocchio is all about a child who has to, you know, be out on his own experiencing the worst parts of the world. Yeah, Pinocchio's raw yeah got eaten by a whale yeah i was uh i got up and had to leave the theater i remember my mom coming back and get me out get me and take me back in no you're gonna watch this but meanwhile i took and then she made a shaming video yeah she put me she made you hold up a sign she put me on the internet in 1971 i uh i took simon to see the movie Paddington Bear. And there's this part where Paddington Bear, first of all, Paddington Bear is a lovely movie.

Oh, the scene where he kills his wife and kills himself? Yeah. And like they don't even really show it. They just sort of show the aftermath. Yeah. They just show a rookie cop reacting to it. Yeah. Yeah.

And you can see by the look on his face that they really went out in the worst way. Grenades in the mouth? Is that what happened? And it had been a few days, so the register of the smell, like the visceral animal recognition of the smell, like the snapback, and also the horror of it. And if you're in a good theater with surround sound, you can hear the flies kind of traveling across the room. I saw it in Flymax.

You got to see it in Flymax, how the filmmaker intended. You know, I saw it at Highland, in Highland Park, near where I live, and they actually stabbed a man. Oh, wow. Just to... Just to kind of drive it home, you know, like that's what this is. Yeah, like those old, you know, 50s movies where they would like electrocute you in the seats or something. They would do a little shock.

Precisely. Precisely. So in watching Paddington Bear, which is a very sweet, funny movie, there's one scene where he is climbing in the shaft of like a boiler or central heater furnace. And there's like flame coming up. And it doesn't really get that close to burning him or anything. My son Simon is now so against Paddington Bear, we can't even like look at Paddington Bear the book, which is a book in which literally nothing happens.

Like it is just like, here's Paddington Bear. They found him in a train station. The end. And, yeah. Also the plot of Babar. Meanwhile, the, like, well, Babar got to England. Nah, that's about it. Like, the complete.

That was also the plot of the Guns of Navarone. The completely heart-rending Toy Story 3. Doesn't, huh? Does not register at all. Hmm. At all. By the way,

the plot of Babar is colonialism is good. Oh, okay. Let's be clear. Maybe I missed that. The savages need taming. Yeah.

That's the plot of Babar. Hey, I think I told you about this at work, I think, Jordan, but I was going out with this girl in the 80s and she told me about Uncle Scrooge and Donald Duck, they would go on some sort of corporate adventure like to the desert with sand cats or they go to a desert, some sort of wasteland or an island thing and they would drill or mine and they would meet the natives and the natives were always savage. always savage, but they would gladly help Uncle Scrooge do whatever he wanted, and then he would take their money and put it in one of his vaults and go swimming in it. But the other thing he pointed out was that— It sounds obvious when you describe it like that.

Yeah. He would just swim. And they couldn't be whiter, Donald and Scrooge. Sure. This is actually the story of J.P. Morgan, who would travel the world swimming in piles of money. Yeah. He brought his own money pools.

But the... He, too, would wear a tuxedo jacket and no pants. And webbed feet and spats. Yeah. But Donald and Mickey and... I don't know if Goofy does or not, but they all had... There was never a mother figure, but there was a female figure on the periphery. And there was – there were duplicates of them and triplicate.

The sons – Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Yeah, they were nephews or nieces. They were never direct relations, but there was a control relationship going on. And that was the army of – he had it all laid out. I'm happy that you're passing this on to your kid. Oh, yeah. One day he'll be

the capitalist you always wished you could be. Oh, he's... My kid's going to be... He's going to wear like pinstripe suspenders and he's going to be a...

It's a classic industrialist. Yeah. Just Wall Street gecko. Yeah. He'll be the next Michael Milken. He's going to wear French cuffed suits

and pinstripe suspenders and wingtip hats. And when he loses it all, he'll wear a barrel. Right. He will wear a barrel. He'll sell pencils. I think he's going to go out classic. He's going to look at the ticker tape and jump. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse go.

Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Rendered, a show about making meaning and breaking rules. The thing about being a lawyer is we're really not supposed to encourage people to break the law. Human beings have a superpower, and it's called play. I love this carpet. And your fingers dissect things just as well as anything does. These stories are great to listen to while you're doing laundry, going for a run, cleaning your bathroom, or not sleeping on an airplane. Make boring stuff fun with Rendered. Available now at MaximumFun.org or wherever you like to get your podcasts.

Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, You know, I got into it. I was milking Mexican rattlesnakes for a while during a summer abroad. And then I just got bitten by the Portuguese man o' war bug. Haven't looked back. Haven't looked back. I also worked my way through college. I was in a certificate program for stripping. I worked as a doctor. Just so you can pay off those stripper bills. The stripper school.

Yeah, stripper school. Well, you know, the amount of debt that strippers have is unbelievable, and having to pay it off in ones. Can you imagine? Sure. You have to just bundle them up and mail them to the school. And then you get busted by the Dennis Astrid people. Yeah.

For bundling. Jordan, what are you up to? Well, I had a very – woke up early today. Jesus Christ, we didn't ask for your life story. It's been very productive. I've done two things. I'm still laughing about Blank Apache's bundling humor. He's doing Federal Election Commission jokes over there.

I got a bunch of stuff about the EZ Forum. I think we find ourselves a country where we cover a wide variety of topics. And two things today. Yeah. Test drove a Prius. How was that? It was a lot of fun. The little Prius.

Oh, okay. They're cute. It's a little scooty guy. Did you just go by the car dealership exclusively for television writers? Yeah. Where they just sell the three different Priuses? Yeah, they wouldn't let me in for some reason. It was really weird.

And I'm like, you know, they just like, I would try and walk in and a man would step in front of me. Just this, you know, and he wouldn't say anything. Then I left and came back wearing some horn-rimmed glasses. They let me ride in. Oh, great. Yeah. So they just didn't buy it for a second. Thank God that got sorted out.

Yeah. I got in a car accident. They don't know if it's totaled yet, so I'm doing some preliminary looking at new cars. Are you healthy? You're well? I'm perfectly fine. I think the car just exploded because it was a Scion and they are made of Lincoln logs. So a low speed, a low speed collision in a residential area will explode a Scion.

The thing that's great about Scions is if you look at them just right, they will literally explode. Yeah. And it's great to impress people in the parking lot. Like, hold on for a minute. I got to kill this guy. Yo! Look at a Scion. Yeah. You just have your friend flick a penny at it. I used to do that on The Tonight Show in the parking lot like hold on for a minute I gotta kill this guy yo look at a scion fucking blow up yeah you just have your friend

flick a penny at it I used to do that on the Tonight Show in the 70s oh great oh my god I thought I thought that was

Rod Holan emu but it was you things got really crazy when you were on with Dom DeLuise you guys would always get a little drunk before you went on

I would just stick around and just watch you guys cracking up during the blooper reel can I tell you something about Dom DeLuise sure oh god here we go Dom DeLuise little drunk before you went on. I would just stick around and just watch you guys cracking up during the blooper reel. Can I tell you something about Dom DeLuise? Sure. Oh, God, here we go.

Dom DeLuise. I mean, I really, I basically know Dom DeLuise. I mean, I don't know if Dom DeLuise was ever a leading man, but I know him from making cameos in children's films, pretty much. You know what I mean? Like him at the beginning of the Muppet movie and him in History of the World Part One, you know? I think that shit is fucking hilarious. Oh, yeah, yeah. I could watch Dom DeLuise just kind of yell and fling his arms around for like four hours completely happily.

Just him going, ah! And just swinging his arms around and wearing a Chef Paul Prude home hat. Yeah, classic, classic coked out 70s funny man. It was a real style,

you know, at the time. Okay. He even had a type and James Coco was like a, was a, a that type.

There you go. A dom type. I was a fan of Burt Reynolds. He was like a cool guy when I was a kid. I watched the longest. And he was a friend of that. I watched He was like a cool guy when I was a kid. I watched the longest. And he was a friend of that.

I watched The Longest Yard not that long ago. The thing that impressed me the most about The Longest Yard, you know, it's like a regular 100-minute movie. And there's like, it's a comedy. And there's like two jokes in the entire movie. I told you I broke his fucking neck. Yeah. One of them is racist. I told you I broke his fucking neck.

Yeah. One of them's racist. And then basically all that happens in the movie is Burt Reynolds kind of cocks his head and works his jaw. But it's great. It's totally great. Yeah, he made a career out of that. He's so good. He's so fucking compelling. I feel like the, I don't know if they came out in the same year or not, but I feel like the jerk in Airplane dared to ask the question, what if a comedy had jokes in it?

Yeah. Like, what if these funny movies, we wrote jokes in advance? Yeah. That really does seem like the big innovation. When Airplane came out, I saw it in the theater. I was a kid. I don't know, whatever year it came out. And I was watching it, and like five minutes in, I couldn't believe I was watching it.

I was like, wow, this is happening. It's the same thing with Naked Gun. I kept looking back at my mom and dad like, is this really on television? I don't know what punked is, but I feel like I'm being punked. I'm anticipating the arrival of a man named Ashton Kutcher. Is this a joke being played on me that this is so good and funny? Why isn't it? It was a shock to me.

Why is everything not like this? Yeah, exactly. And then, of course, Naked Gun was off the air in six episodes. Sure. Oh, it played Police Squad. I'm sorry, Police Squad. Police Squad, yeah, I'm sorry. I went to the Naked Gun.

I watched Police Squad not that long ago. It was on Netflix or something. The opening credit sequence, I was like, I wanted to watch it again and again, and I couldn't. I was upset that I couldn't. I was like, what's going on? There was jokes everywhere beginning to end. It was fucking hilarious. Siri, if you're out there and you have not watched Police Squad on Netflix or whatever,

It's with Angie Dickinson. She plays a bionic woman. It's so fucking funny. It's got Tommy Lasorda in there. Okay, go ahead, Jordan. Anyway, test drove a Prius. Oh, sorry. That's okay.

Test drove a Prius, and I went downtown to CatCon, which is a convention. Oh, I've heard about this. This is like, it's like the guy, like they have the cannabis competitions and there's different, all the different people who sell the pot. Oh, you're thinking of dank con.

Yeah. Oh, this is the one where you can, you go and you, you can meet your favorite porn stars and. I got spank con. Okay. Yeah.

Is this the one where you try on wedding dresses? No, that's a say yes to the dress. Okay. On... I don't... Then I guess I'm... Oh, is this the one where there's like 12 horses and they're on a dirt track, they fire a starter's pistol and do things and then they race down the track, people bet on it.

Yeah, that's the triple crown you're thinking of and congratulations to american pharaoh by the way our first triple crown winner spoiler spoiler i haven't watched it yet i'm watching it this weekend you're saving it yeah it's on my it's in my queue i'm too behind on game of thrones and horse racing i what for the 50th for the 34th straight year i am am three behind on the Triple Crown. Oh, boy. Yeah, I've missed all three Triple Crown events this year. You know, it just reminded me I just lost $40,000 last night. Oh, jeez.

I am sorry. That's okay. I got to call Chase on Monday. Oh, hey, Jordan. Yeah. Is it the one where – Oh, sure. Yeah.

I'll field a couple more of these. Sure. Is it the one where the guy gets out of the lunar module and says that's one small step for a man? I think that's the moon landing. Oh, all right. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Is it the one that ends with Humphrey Bogart looking at Lauren Bacall and saying, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship?

That's Casablanca. Oh, Jordan. Sure. I got it. Okay. What's it called again? You know what? I'm starting to think you guys aren't legitimately guessing, but I'll hear two more of these.

No, I'm pretty sure I know this one. And then I'm just going to end up telling you what CatCon is. It's called CatCon, right? It's called CatCon. It's happening downtown this weekend. Oh, wait, wait. CatCon. Is it the one with the dogs?

No. I'm going to hear one more of these crazy guesses, and then I'm going to tell you. Okay. Now, correct me if I'm wrong. Different mammal, Blaine. Different mammal. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wait until the end. Sure.

It's eight days long. Okay. In the beginning, there's- Already wrong. Sounds already wrong. Go ahead. In the beginning Already wrong In the beginning Sounds already wrong Go ahead In the beginning There's nothing

Wrong Then through the course Of the next seven days Not it A mysterious figure Creates the heaven and earth Then the eighth day He rests

No I think you're thinking Of the book of Genesis Oh They were awesome I think Genesis didn't start until Peter Gabriel left. Thank you. And Van Halen didn't start until Mr. Sammy Hagar got there. I was going to say Michael Jerome, but maybe we'll settle this in the parking lot.

If you ask me, Genesis didn't get started until Hyundai got involved. Thank you. There we go. Is there a Hyundai Genesis? Hey, we went, quickly speaking of cars, we went to the, we were sick of all our breakfast places. The wife and child and I went to the farmer's market to do pars for the greatest pancakes on earth. Sure. And there was an auto exhibit there.

All these classic cars were there, like a pink AMX Javelin was there. A 69 Corvette Stingray, a black L88 with side pipes. That was my favorite. I lost my shit over that. A row of antique Firebirds and like Model Ts and Model As and 57 Chevys. It was fantastic. But that was fun. How were the pancakes?

They were delightful. They were nitrous burning. Oh, good. Yeah. Nitrous burning. Oh, good. Yeah. Nitrous burning. They have nice chassis on those cakes? You know what? We got there early and watched them burn some bleach off the back.

I'm such a gearhead. I love pancakes. Oh, man. You know the waitress with those drag slicks on? Oh, yeah. RuPaul's drag slicks. I was at brunch the other day, and I'm like, give it to me chromed out. You know what I'm talking about, George?

Oh, yeah. So, CatCon. I got some apple pie. It was totally cherried. Cherry pie. Yay. CatCon is a convention. It happens downtown for cat people.

This is fans of the construction brand Caterpillar. No. These are fans of the movie that had the song by David Bowie. Oh, I don't know. Stassi Kinski? It might be. It might be that. No, it's not that.

It's a where you go. These are human cats. Yeah. It's kind of an island of Dr. Moreau. Got it. But like downtown. And there's food trucks. Got it.

Yeah, so this is – I think they're selling it as Comic-Con for cat people. Oh, so you can't get a room at the Cat Hyatt. Yeah, no, no room at the Cat Hyatt. And so this – I was – I liked the idea of this so much, and I had a free afternoon. Driving the Prius did not take that long. Right. And you're a cat lover. You have a cat at home.

I do have a cat at home. I like the cat a lot. And so, yeah, so this was like I would – if I were to describe it in a way to kind of encapsulate the experience, it's like, what if you were inside Etsy? So this is the people in it are all the people you imagine making Etsy things. And the things on display are the things they are making. So it is there are cats at CatCon, but it's like an adoption area and it's pretty small. There are cats at CatCon, but it's like an adoption area, and it's pretty small. Most of the space in CatCon is dedicated to either cat products or kind of crafty cat T-shirts and art prints and stuff.

Okay. Were you in the market for any cat products? Okay. Are there any cat panels? Yes. So I went to one cat panel. Was it Heathcliff? Yeah.

It's how to put a whole fish in your mouth and just remove the bones. The title of the panel was Heathcliff, Heathcliff, colon, should someone terrorize your neighborhood? Yeah. We'll answer that question. So the one panel I went to was called Debunking the Myth of the Cat Lady. This was hosted by Mayim Bialik. I saw your selfie you took with Smurf. Yeah, I can't believe I met him. So Mayim Bialik gets up there and the guy introduces her and this is a kind of an outrageous fat man wearing a three-piece suit and an ascot,

but he also has a shaved head and ear gauges. This is the guy who's like presiding over CatCon. Now, Mayim Bialik, that's Blossom. So he announces, he's like, you'll know our next presenter, Mayim Bialik, from the Big Bang Theory. Woo! And, of course, I'm of a certain age, so I know her as Blossom. Like, the place fucking went apeshit when he mentioned Blossom.

It was like, yeah. It was like, now I know what it must be like to be in the audience of Showtime at the Apollo. Isn't she an advocate for weird, crazy person things? That's a great question. I don't know anything about Mayim Bialik other than she's on those two shows, and she also wants you to adopt more cats. And she's a neuroscientist? I don't know anything about Mayim Bialik other than she's on those two shows and she also wants you to adopt more cats. And she's a neuroscientist? I don't know. Here's what I think about.

Here's what you think about Mayim Bialik. This is all allegations. And our producer should probably be Googling this. He's not. He's just sitting there like a lazy bone. Sure. I'm thinking, A, she's involved in mom-related crazy person things. Oh, like not vaccinating and stuff?

Yeah. B, she's some kind of neuroscientist. Okay. And C... You're saying all three of these things is true. Now, this may... I want to say one thing. Okay.

All of these things things it might just be punky brewster okay so i can't oh she's got a weird name too what's punky brewster's name soleil moon okay her mom is uh sandra palouse and her brother is mino palouse from voyagers and he was on also uh played a kid on Space Academy. Okay. Which was a Saturday morning live action science fiction show on CBS, I believe.

Looks like we're playing another round of our classic game show, Soleil Moon Fry or Mayim Bialik. It sounds like you're having a stroke. Yeah. So was she the only person, so that's what I think.

And I think she may have had some kind of child stuff store in West Los Angeles at some point. Okay. It was like BPA-free trains and stuff? Yeah. Okay. God, I got to get the bip out of my trains. You got to get the bip out. Those toxic trains.

That's what's causing autism. Oscar was like, choo-choo. And I'm like, uh-uh. Sorry. Bippa. Too many Bippas. You'll become autistic. So the panel's... Here, play with these whole grains.

So the panel is Mayim Bialik, Soleil Moonfry. Soleil Moonfry, not involved. As far as I can tell, did not appear at CatCon. Wait,

no, wait, you lost me. When, where's Mino Palouse in all this? I think not, also not in attendance. I'm pretty sure. I think he's across town at the moon landing.

Mino Palouse is on a live action science fiction children's program. Yes. So she introduces someone who's like the curator of the Modern Art Museum of Houston. And this woman comes up. No such thing. Yeah, right? It's above an Arby's on the way to the airport. It's a Matt Houston.

Sure. You get a free admission if you buy a Jamocha shake. And she just comes up and she says, if I was a cat lady, why would I be wearing this T-shirt with a peacock on it? Whoa! So she gave a very impassioned speech about discrimination against cat ladies and their perception in the media. And she showed some like, you know, anxious—

I perceive cat ladies to wear peacock shirts. Sure. Which is part of the bias that she's trying to eradicate. So she sold some like old wood cuttings of witches with their cats and said like this is history's cat lady. And then she showed some like glamorous photos of movie stars with like golden era movie stars with their cats. It's like why can't this be the cat lady perception? Why can't these people be witches? Show a picture of Catwoman. Yeah.

Halle Berry from the movie Catwoman. Listen, I think we all, as cat women, we all want to be perceived as vigilantes who are sometimes good and sometimes bad. But no matter what, expert jewel thieves. So, yeah. Cats love jewels. Cats do love jewels. I left before the panel because I had to come here and tape this gosh darn thing. I had to left before the panel how to be a cat guy and still be cool.

This is led by the man I described earlier, who is clearly very cool. So he didn't know what he was going to be talking about. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Just hold your cat and have a sip of absinthe, you know, with the other cool fellows. She's probably going to freak out a little bit when you take her into the Starbucks.

But just try to calm her down. Keep her calm. Yes. Pat her chest. Hum and whisper nursery rhymes, you know. Everyone in line will be at ease. And so, yeah, so there's a lot of, like, shit on sale that had, like, cat puns in it. A lot of, like, paw-some.

You paw-some. Round of a paws. But the most baffling one was one that said meow-clin, which is, I guess, Brooklyn? Can you spell it? M-E-O-W. I wrote it down. M-E-O-W, I wrote it down. M-E-O-W-K-L-Y-N. Oh, Meow-klin.

Meow-klin, which is, I guess, a pun on Brooklyn? Do you think I'm wrong about that? I've seen shirts that have said Meowkersfield. I just assume that's Bakersfield for cats. Yeah. Just a new Meow-k. Yeah. I saw one recently that said Meowersfield for cats. Yeah. This is a new meow-work. Yeah. I saw one recently that said-

Meowniapolis. Meow-man-do, which I think- Sure, yeah. It seems like there's maybe an easier way to get into that. I don't know what it would be. Yeah. Cat-man-feline would be how I would do it. That's the direction you would go in.

Well, I mean, it combines Etsy's two favorite topics, right? They just had a whiteboard, and on one side it said Katz, and on the other side it said Brooklyn. They just wrote some shit down and printed it up. Sure. There you go. Boom. These t-shirts print themselves up at 100 score each.

Oh, goddammit. You know what I mean. I do. Yeah, and then boom, you got yourself a fixed gear bike for every day of the week. Because you're rolling in it. Farting through silk. Yeah. There were a lot of sad Etsy boyfriend types.

You familiar with this phenomenon of the sad Etsy boyfriend? He does the shipping? Yeah. Well, he puts on the wool hat and poses for the picture. Oh, right. Yeah. But yeah, I assume also probably takes some packages to the post office and stuff like that. And I feel like those guys were like making eye contact with me, like fucking, right?

And I'm like, no, I'm here by myself. I'm not about to bond with you, asshole. This is fun. I'm going to go pet some cats. Yeah, pet them. I did get my cat some artisanal catnip that came in a little tin, like a pomade tin. Doesn't a cat is just cool with any catnip, right? Well, there's Indicats and Cativas.

Sure, yeah. The Indicats is for the couch. And one's for when the cat wants to be more creative. Right. And they want to stimulate creativity. One's more like a buzz and one's more like a chill. Yeah. You get it. Yeah, as far as I can tell's more like a buzz and one's more like a chill. Yeah. You get it.

Yeah, as far as I can tell, she enjoys it about as much as other catnip. It's good for cataracts. You could lead a panel at CatCon, Jesse. God. Think about it. Leading all those cats. You could take over the city. Think about it.

Yeah. We've only been invited to Comic-Con that one disastrous time. Sure. We've never been invited to Comic-Con that one disastrous time. We've never been invited to Cat-Con. Never been invited to Hemp-Con. None of these cons have ever invited us. That seems like bullshit to me. You guys didn't get invited to Shemp-Con.

You guys didn't get invited to Hot Dog on a Stick-Con. If I was at Hot Dog on a Stick-Con, I would be too busy trying to, like, use my school books to cover up my boner.

Sure. You guys, I didn't get invited to cover up my boner con. You just love fried cheese. They give you a choice. It's American or Swiss. Yeah.

For your fried cheese. Well, it depends on where you stand in World War II. It really does. It's all in How to Eat Donald Duck. It is weird that the rest of the world has a more complicated relationship to Donald Duck than we do.

Like the Netherlands. Isn't there a day where everyone in the Netherlands dresses up like Donald Duck? Am I wrong about that? I know that Santa Claus has a racist black friend in the Netherlands. Yeah, that's Donald Duck. Oh, okay. Yeah. Got it. Two days of retirement. It's not Yeah, that's Donald Duck. Oh, okay. Yeah. Got it.

Two days retirement. It's not the crows from Dumbo. No, yeah. So I would imagine, I mean, if I'm in your position. Sure. I don't have a cat. No. I got dogs.

Sure. And dogs don't, you know, they don't care. But a cat, if I'm going to CatCon and I'm a cat owner, I'm buying it a cat castle. A hundred percent. If there's anywhere on earth to buy a cat castle, it's at CatCon. There were some really impressive structures there. There was like a hamster wheel for cats. And it was like made of like carpet.

So while they scratch. Dog femurs. Yes. Made of. The blood of my enemies. Yeah. From the bones of vanquished dogs. Could you. Yeah. The blood of my enemies. Yeah, from the bones of vanquished dogs. Okay, so could you get a cat to go through one of those tubes like in a habit trail?

Yeah, there's cat tubes. I'll just press there. I'm sure he can get it to do it. So you're suggesting a pneumatic cat delivery system. Yeah, yeah. A little blast. Or are you talking about like a t-shirt cannon but it's for cats? That would be a good... Fun for like

minor league baseball games. Cat delivery system. Sponsored by the ASPCA. My kittening gun. Just launch some shelter cats up into the stand. Who wants to adopt a cat? They live for 20 years.

Stand up if you think you've got the responsibility. Mix dry and wet food. One lucky cat will have feline AIDS. Try and guess which one. His death will rip your family apart. He's in a better place. So you got yourself an artisanal tin

of nip. Is that it? Is that all you brought home? Did you pay to get into this? I did, yeah. $20? $20. Money well spent. I think it made for a real B-minus anecdote on the podcast. You know.

And who can put a price on that And who can put a price on that? Who can put a price on that? Was there any good cosplay? You know, there was a lot of women dressed as cat and something else. There was a lot of cat steampunk, cat Japanese idol girl. There was one that was pretty creative. It was a woman in a hospital gown, cat face, cone around her neck.

Oh, that's fun. I like that. As a brave cone cat. Yeah, some kind of brave cone cat. Yeah, so that was the most comic-con-y that it got. Were there sexy cat ladies? No, there were not sexy cat ladies. Huh. I mean, you know,

just by virtue of being cat ladies, they're all beautiful, I learned from this talk. Lil Bub was there. That's what I was going to say. Is there any celebrity cats there? Here's the thing. Lil Bub was there. Now, this is- I heard Lil Bub is like six and a half feet tall, like super tall. Taller than you think.

Sure, yeah. When he's in a movie with Tom Cruise, they have to put Tom Cruise on an Apple box. That's weird. So, yeah, Lil Bub doesn't dwarf him. Tom Cruise is a famous deformed cat from the internet. Yeah. Grumpy Cruise. Grumpy Cruise.

Lil Bub. I'm not mistaken in thinking Lil Bub is the cat that looks sort of like Wilford Brimley, right? Lil Bub has like a cleft palate. Even more cleft than your regular cat. Got it. And his tongue kind of hangs out in a comical fashion. But if you have to live like that, it would not be comical. Right.

Yeah. I think he is humorously deformed, I think. Hilariously and adorably deformed. You had to pay extra to meet Little Bub and stand in a line, a really long line. The only longer line was for the women's bathroom. How much does it cost to meet Lil Bub? And just note that in my head I'm going to be comparing it to the amount of money I just heard on the radio it takes to meet San Francisco Giants backup right fielder Justin Maxwell at Macy's in San Francisco this weekend.

This is, I think it was 10 extra bucks to meet Lil Bub, plus standing in this line. And I have to spend $25 at Macy's to meet backup right fielder Justin Maxwell. You could probably get a couple packs of socks and underwear. You need those anyways. How much did it cost to get into the women's bathroom? It was free, but I had to bring my own shroud from home. Oh, okay. So it's like the Magic Castle.

Yeah, exactly. Got to bring your own BYO shroud. You have to know somebody to get in. Yeah. So, yeah. And you have to stand in a long line. And Lil Bub was obscured behind some huge rug. Like a gorilla's concert.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yes, exactly. You only saw him. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. Lasers and explosions for a tiny cat. So I didn't get to meet Lil Bub, and I didn't even get to see Lil Bub. It's just a hologram of Lil Bub.

Like a Coachella. I also was surprised that Grumpy Cat was there, but then I'm like, oh, is there like a turf war? Oh, so Grumpy Cat is the one that looks like Wilford Brimley. Yeah. Grumpy Cat is the frowning one who had a Lifetime movie. Yeah. I don't know if he has a disease or not. I would guess yes.

But, yeah, I wonder. Cats are pretty diseased. Sure. I mean, yeah, there's bags of disease. Yeah. So, yeah, but I was wondering if, you know, they went out to both cats and they said, you know, I'm not going to be there. Oh, if Lil Bub's there, you can forget about it. Because, you know, you want to be the main internet cat at the con.

Were there any super fat cats? That's what I would pay $5 to see. No, no fatties. There was even a sign that said no fatties. Really? Yeah. Was it outside the new definitions of cat lady? Yes, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah, she was not happy about the sign. I don't know if that sign is the right note to strike. There was a lot of merchandise with Pusheen on it. Who is that? He's a fat cartoon cat. Pusheen? Pusheen.

I thought it was the Canadian cat covered in gravy. Yeah. Gravy and cheese. You're thinking of Wayne Gretzky. Oh, you're right. I am thinking of Wayne Gretzky. Oh, you're right. I am thinking of Wayne Gretzky. I think if you saw Pusheen, you would know who he was. Is he like that bear that teaches you French?

No, it's Muzzy. I think Muzzy is an alien. Muzzy is a bear that teaches you French, I'm pretty sure. Pusheen. Okay, here we go. I'm not getting any goddamn thing. You just got to download the Pusheen app. There's literally a picture of a dog here.

Yeah. Look at this. This is what I get when I Google Pusheen. It's a straight picture of a dog. It's just a fucking picture of a dog. How do you spell Pusheen? P-U-S-H-E-E-N, phonetically. P-U-S-H-E-E-N?

Yeah. Oh, I added... Oh, that's my review of Repo Man. I don't know this cat. You've never seen this cat before? Wait, is this cat friends with Bad Bad Botsmaru? No, I don't think he's a Sanrio item. Was Bad Bad Botsmaru there? No, no birds. think he's a Sanrio item. Was Bad Bad Botsmaru there?

No, no birds. Too bad? Yeah, too bad. And a bird. Oh. Yeah, he's a pingo, isn't he? He's a pingo. Yeah, I love that guy.

So bad. Natural enemy of the cat. You won't believe what he'll do to your stationery. Yeah. Or your pen, pen, pencil set. Or he'll jazz up your letters to your friends in math class. Small backpack. Yeah.

There was a girl, one of my first high school crushes had Bad Bad Botsmaru stationery and wrote me a little note in a class on it once. And I saved that Bad Bad Botsmaru note for probably since I graduated high school. You know what? It might still be in a fucking shoebox in my mom's house. It's a treasured item for me. You know what? Move in. You know what I've been still be in a fucking shoebox in my mom's house. It's a treasured item for me. Move in. You know what I've been saving for the last 10 years?

A pad of stationery. I used to go to Sunnyvale a lot in college to eat pho. It was the nearest high-quality pho. And there was a nice stationery store there, and we bought some stationery that was called Happy Bear Man. We are nice. We like Storaberry. I've been saving that like it was. Yeah, because you can't just.

You can't just go out and replace that. You can't just Google Happy Bear Man. We are nice. We like Storaberry and think that you're going to be able to replace your Behrman material. So where are you going to. So you have to use these sparingly. Right. Maybe you can write your son's notes on the day they graduate.

Right. Or the day they get married, but not both. Right. Maybe you can write some sex tips for the wedding night. You don't do that. That's how you're going to use two of your baremans, your son's, both of your son's wedding nights. Put some sex tits on there

I should hope they're both virgins if you raise them correctly it's like ordering Chinese food everybody gets a cookie sure hyphen

Alec Baldwin from that one movie which one was that again? anyway well I'm glad you enjoyed CatCon CatCon was fun I'm surprised

you didn't come home with I mean the real the real, as a straight male cat enthusiast, I would imagine that the real reason to visit CatCon is for the secret sex parties. Yeah. Like, the number of, if it's an Etsy scene, the number of digits you can get at CatCon as a legitimate straight male cat enthusiast. That's true. And I want to make this point, but I want to open an app before I do it. Okay.

So, yeah, I mean, I see what you mean, Jesse. Take your time and open the app. Yeah. Sometimes Jordan likes to use apps during the course of our program. During the course of our program. So, you know, you think I heard on the radio before I went that the CatCon was 80 percent female, 80 percent female registered for this thing. So, I mean, I guess you could say that I went to CatCon for the pussy. Thank you for stalling while I opened that app. You were right.

No, no, no, I did not. No numbers, no looks. Fucking bullshit. Not even any looks? No, I mean, just from the dudes who were looking at me like, ooh, this, right? And I'm like, no, cheer up, this is fun. I almost bought a couple of prints, and I restrained myself.

Footprints? Yeah, because that's when my cat was carrying me. There were only one set of footprints in the litter. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Blaine, wake up.

What, huh? Oh, my God. I just had the craziest dream. I had the dream that you were going to read the first paragraph, then you were going to read the second paragraph, then you were going to do the third one. Hey, Jordan, what's our advertisement on this week's program? Who's helping pay for this operation?

It's Warby Parker. Jordan Jessigo is supported in part by Warby Parker, a new concept in eyewear. Fashion forward prescription glasses. They start at $95, including prescription lenses. You know, Jordan, with their at-home try-on program, you can order five pairs of glasses, one, two, three, four,

five, to be shipped directly to your home. You can try them on, select your frames, send them back free free with no obligation to purchase. You go to warbyparker.com slash jjgo, warbyparker.com slash jjgo, and you get free three-day shipping on your final frame choice. Warbyparker.com slash jjgo.

They really, they make a fine product, Warby Parker. Sure. My wife wears those. Hey, I also, I want to mention something. Please. You know, I, in addition to my work here in the world of podcasts, I'm also, I also run Put This On, one of the more popular menswear blogs. And as you may know, we have a line of pocket squares that we sell as a sort of pocket square

of the month subscription type deal. Now, BlinkFatch is looking at me like, okay, I'm here with you so far. We're having a sample sale. Here in Los Angeles, actually at MaxFun HQ on Saturday the 20th. So if you live in Los Angeles, you want to come by some pocket square, we're going to have pocket squares, some vintage stuff, some fabrics, some records, going to have some records, going to have pocket squares, some vintage stuff, some fabrics, records. We're going to have some records. We're going to have free beer.

If you're 21 or over. Sure. Sorry, teens. Stick to soda. Stick to soda. Saturday the 20th. You can find all the information at putthison.com. Just look in the right-hand column.

But Saturday the 20th from 10 to 4 here at MaxFun HQ. My mom's going to be here. Come meet my mom. So if you're into any of that stuff, I hope we'll see you then. Nothing on the Jumbotron this week. If you want to advertise on Jordan, Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get up on the

Jumbotron and share a little message, birthday wishes, anniversary thanks, why did you total my car when I let you borrow it, whatever. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron, and we will share that on this show or one of your other favorite MaxFun shows. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Get wetty. Get ready to get wetty. Wet Idea perspirant and odorant comes in scented and really scented.

Now you're getting the wet idea. Wet Idea. Blaine, don't bring your own sponsors onto the show. If we're not getting a cut of this Wet Idea money. Perspirant money. Yeah. Who would you say is the target market for this? Is it like 11-year-olds who have not yet hit puberty but would like to? Yeah, I think so.

Just people that need to sweat a little bit more. Gotcha. People, they also offer portable pubes. And I don't know what else happens in puberty. Emotional breakdowns, unpredictable emotions. Sure. Just some fake jizz to put in your bed at night to simulate your first wet dream. Look, here's some Lee Presson Acties pimples.

When something momentous happens to you, like you come up with the perfect business idea, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. Let's take our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. This is Rob from Akron, Ohio. I'm on the bus with my son's school trip to New York from Akron taking an eight-hour charter bus

ride. The guy got on the intercom. The driver explained that the restroom was for number one only. It is not to be used to make any mud turtles. I'm 40 years old and I thought I ran out

of synonyms for poop. Love the show. Thanks a lot. Bye. Maybe he meant that as a racial slur. Maybe he just meant that there's a certain

kind of person. I love DeMet's mud turtles. They're delicious. They have little pecans in there. Ah, just delightful. They make them. Little pecans in there. Just delightful. They make them with peanuts, too. What a fucking nightmare this man just described to us.

Look, it's fun to talk about mud turtles, but can we address being on a bus full of school children for eight hours and no one's allowed to poop? Sure. How often do you have to poop? I mean, once a day, but who knows? These could be nine-year-olds. Sure. They might poop all day long. There's no way to predict it.

They don't know about their poop schedule. Higher metabolism, so they poop more. I was on a bus. We were doing Velvet Hammer in San Francisco, and we were coming back on the 5 in the middle of the night. There's like 30 of us on a bus, and everybody knew not to shit on the bus. It's like don't shit in the office of the night. There's like 30 of us on a bus. And everybody knew not to shit on the bus. It's like don't shit in the office at work.

You don't want to have to deal with it. But people were still peeing in it and they didn't mention the fact that bus restrooms are kind of only for emergencies. Yeah. If you have like a kidney malfunction or something, you really need to pee, then you can use it because it smelled so horrible that they lit citronella candles, which was even more dangerous.

It's just when the bus came to a stop, you had flying candles everywhere. On the plus side, you got rid of them skeeters. Oh, man. Nobody. Excuse me. I had so many chigger bites that whole ride. Yeah. Chiggers.

Got to deal with those skeeters. Yeah. That's why you light those citronella candles. Sure. I use Avon Skin So Soft. Do they keep them off? Mm-hmm. No, deal with those skeeters. Yeah. That's why you light those citronella candles. Sure. I use Avon Skin So Soft. Do they keep them off? Mm-hmm. No, I didn't know that.

I also use Off. These are all great ways to repel bugs. You know, I've been using a bug spray called On. Uh-huh. It's kind of like the wet idea joke earlier. Got it. It's like you take a class. You spray it and it just attracts bugs.

It reverses the premise of the original. Yeah, well, basically it's just a spray. It just sprays warm Coke syrup on you and then you just get covered in yellow jackets. It's sort of like if you had a shoe that went inside your foot. Oh, wow.

It'd be sort of like an inside the head hat. You know what I'm talking about, Wayne. We are in the same wavelength exactly. There you go. Something outside but inside. Outside but inside. Sort of like a turducken. Sure.

Let's take our next call. Just got home from work, and the little nest of robins that had been built in my porch, I looked at them, and they were all so big and fat. It looked like they got twice as big as them yesterday. So I crept close to them to take a picture because it was so cute. And I moved the trash can a little bit and it made a noise. And all three of the little fucking birds jumped out of the nest and flew right at my head. And went like, beep, beep.

And like flew right past me. And then the mama bird was in the nest or in the tree next to me just yelling at me. And all I could do was go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and like fumble with my keys and run inside. And I really hope that they don't all get eaten by cats tonight. Ta-da, momentous occasion. Okay, bye. Good grand finale.

Yeah, yeah, really stuck the landing. Yeah. A little shaky during the routine. Yeah, clothes with the big jazz hands. Big finish. Yeah, yeah. It really stuck the landing. Yeah. A little shaky during the routine. Yeah, but it closed with the big jazz hands. Big finish. Yeah. It's like how if you're in the band Asia, you want to open and close with the final countdown.

Right. Is that who did the final countdown, Asia? That was Arm... No, that was... That was a Hyundai Genesis. Oh, the Hyundai Genesis sang the final countdown. Asia did Only Time Will Tell. Okay.

And Heat of the Moment. Only Time Will Tell was my class song, my graduating class song. I graduated in 1983 because I'm old. I think they are just now starting not to use Green Day's Time of Your Life. Final countdown. It begins with A, doesn't it? I want to say A. Is it America?

No, I don't think. That's like a country and western type thing. No, I don't think that's a country and western type thing. They did I Went Through the Desert on a Horse with No Name. Okay. And Sister Golden Hair. I do not have strong reception in here. If only we had Europe as the Europe. I was one

continent off. Alright. And I think another da-da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da-da-da – there you go. You open and close with that. I was certain when she said the birds all jumped out of the nest that they were just going to fall and die. Yeah. Yeah.

Why would you call us about that? Is that something I should bring up with my therapist? Something else we Googled during the break. My embryonic is apparently into attachment parenting, which is controversial. Not my embryonic. Maybe yours. Don't bring my embryonic into this. My embryonic is Soleil Moon Fry.

Do you guys know anything about attachment parenting and why people are mad about it? It involves like letting your kids sleep in your bed and like breastfeed for a really long time. Okay. I think people are so upset about it because they're dicks. It's not worth it. I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's not weird. Our kid

sleeps in our bed. A bit much. But then we go, if he fidgets around, we go, you want to get in your own bed? And he crawls in his own bed. We have a small place. Yeah. We live in a Venezuelan condo in 1958. So stop giving Mayim Bialik shit, everybody. I really get the impression that the world of parenting on the internet is as heated a debate space as any.

That's why One Bad Mother is so important. The podcast from MaximumFun.org is like the only place where people aren't assholes all the time. Everybody's always an asshole to each other. This is crazy. Give me a break. Why are people assholes? That's a really good question, and I have a follow-up. I think we can crack the case.

Here in the remaining 15 minutes of this show, I think we can finally answer the question, why are people assholes? Let's take our last call. Yes, why are people assholes? Hello, Jordan, Jesse, esteemed guests. I am Troy from Cherry Hill, New Jersey, calling with not just a momentous occasion, but probably the most amazing momentous occasion. I recently went on a trip to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. So far not that good at this. And on this trip, through meeting one of her co-workers, I ended up going on a date with this said co-worker.

And during the date, we passed the car, which I saw had a license plate of FU1-T, to which I started to laugh hysterically. And she looked at it and goes, oh, that almost spells full short. And to which I lost my mind, considering that she's also a fan of the Maximum Fun Network. And so then after we go over a couple of the other momentous occasions from Jordan, Jess, and Go, we went back to her apartment and I proceeded to go full short on her. Love to see you guys. Have a great day. Come on.

This is 2015. You went full short on each other. Sure. Yeah. I should hope that. Hopefully there was mutual short. I received Blaine for you. For the many confused people who have started listening to the show in the last two years.

Yeah. We for some reason decided that the funniest fake license plate would be full short because it doesn't mean anything. And it's become this weird running joke. The most confusing possible license plate to see on the road would be full short. F-U-L-C-H-O-R-T? Yeah, I think it would be F-L-C-H-R-T. There's a lot of ways you can do it. Apparently this guy did it with a one.

It's kind of the most confusing, perfectly confusing. Full short? Yeah, so I guess this guy, mid-date. Real words. I guess it'd be like if you were a Dune fan, and you're just on a random date. And you just said something about spice.

Or like, well, I must not fear. Fear is a little mind killer. And then your date said, oh, fear is the little death that brings total oblivion. She gets up to go to the bathroom and says, excuse me, normally I process my urine and feces in the thigh pads. And that's when I knew it sounded like slap a ring on it. Yeah.

How come we're not doing a Dune cast? We watch Dune every week and then talk about it? Where David Lynch tries to cut us down to four hours. The studio takes us away from him. I'm glad those two shorted. Me too. Good for them. It's beautiful when people find each other.

Do you think if they wouldn't have had that shared moment, then it would have just been a pleasant date that maybe ended with a hug or something? I don't know. I'm pretty sure everybody's fucking in Milwaukee, you know? Yeah, you gotta. There's nothing else to do there. Well, you can check out that statue at the Fonz. Sure.

Yeah. The one in Rocky? Yeah. You got it. I think, you know what? I'm more like Rocky. You know what genuinely bothers me, Jordan? Somebody will say, like, I saw a guy in a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt today.

And I'm like, well, did you say anything? And they're like, no. There's only like 100 of those people. Yeah. Just say something. Not a lot of people like this show. I think that's a misconception is that this show is full of fans. I think if you see one, that is a weird anomaly.

Like, I'm out there. If I see a guy in a San Francisco Giants hat, I practically start. And there's like 2 million fans of the San Francisco Giants. Normally, when you see somebody wearing a Jordan Jesse Go shirt, they're shivering and it's too big and you're handing them soup in front of a burning house. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, these shirts go to wear. They're wearing a coach crew jacket. Yeah. Yeah, these shirts, our shirts go to the same place that, like, when they put off a team

won the World Series and then they don't win. That's where these... I see a lot of your shirts, like, on chain gangs. Yeah. My dope new leather jacket, other homeless guy. Why does it say evening shade on it? And what does full short mean? Hey, who's the guy with the jean jacket that says becker

these two at least had the good sense to fuck each other i'm assuming you know i mean that's what he meant when he said what if okay what if uh he's he uh sends in that little message and uh and then she listens to it and says that motherfucker is telling tales out of school and they break up oh wow no she knows that she's she's being glorified here oh yeah i mean i think you're as a fan of the show your dream is to have your sexual exploits um you know uh dictated on the show right i mean the only part that i disagree with was the part where he said that he went full short on her when I think it was probably a mutual short. Sure.

Partial short. Yeah. Part short. Well, I mean, there's a lot of pressure on the first date. Maybe he couldn't fully short. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Especially in Milwaukee.

Oh, yeah. It's cold out there. It's a premature ejaculation. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessigo. Jordan Jessigo. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation.

Jordan Walsh, boy detective. I'm Blaine Kapach. I'm brought to you by Children's Clorox. Why don't you get your own fucking grass stands out for a change, tough guy? Children's Clorox. Available in cherry, grape, and wonderberry. Wait, wonderberry? The fruit that makes lemons taste sweet?

I think that would be a big mistake, to be honest, if you're going to flavor children's bleach. Yeah. I mean, you don't want it flavored to begin with. It's like putting a shoe inside your foot. Exactly. Yeah. It's like inner underwear. I know I'm an asshole Burning Man story guy at this point, but that was a thing that was happening at Burning Man was people were getting high and then doing that thing where you put the super fruit pill on your tongue and then eating a lemon. Yeah.

Anyway. I'm like, can't we be spending our time better, guys? Yeah, like couldn't you just do that? This is something you do in fourth grade. Why don't you guys try living in a different moment for a change? living in a different moment for a change. Well, also, I think the other key element of that is it seems like you should do something

cooler to enjoy being high or you could just be high enough that maybe it seems like it tastes like something else anyway. It doesn't seem like they're necessary to combine those two things is what I'm trying to say. Or we could just make a paper mache volcano.

Yeah. Or feed the classroom bunny or something. Learn about algae eaters. You mean like a remora? Yeah. New bunnies at Simon's Preschool recently. Oh, yeah? Babies? Adorable.

No, no, no, no, no. Adult bunnies. Nobody wanted them because bunnies are kind of bad pets. Not super bad, but kind of bad. I have a few rabbits at home, but I just use them for my homemade cosmetics testing. Exactly. Blaine Kapach, you're on Twitter, right? I am.

And by the way, I would never test on animals. At Blaine Kapach. You've got your children for that. Yeah, I've got my children for that. Here, taste this with your eye. You got any comedy jokes people can go see anytime soon? Gee, I don't know. I'm at the improv

last night. You know what? If you're listening the day this comes out, three nights ago. Sure. When does this air, by the way? Monday. Monday. I can't stand that day

because you did a little Monday I know I you know I usually work all day at the in the joke mines with Jordan and then I go home to my to my son and I sit there and then I do it again so where can people get tickets for that

you know you can go on ticketmaster.com go to follow Blaine home so you can follow on Ticketmaster.com, go to Follow Blaine Home. You can follow me home and watch me spend a night. It'll be fun. Watch me hurt my thumb trying to put an Ikea table together. Honestly, I was going to do that, but I was really bothered by the fees. The fees are luxurious at this point. With the Ikea table assembling fee?

Ticketmaster will charge your arm and leg. You can usually go on Craigslist. There's usually guys scalping my afternoons. Got it. Now, Blaine, I don't know if our audience will be interested in this. My guess is no. This is kind of a long shot. This is really just kind of sideways from their interest.

But it's worth a mention in case they know somebody who might be interested in this i guess you have a podcast where you play dungeons and dragons oh uh that's true uh i i'm the dungeon master on nerd poker with brian posain do you are you interested at all in cultivating a rivalry with our dungeons and dragons podcast the adventure zone uh no i think uh we're all about love if they want if I think a rivalry could be like when Nas and Jay-Z— Maybe for sweeps? Maybe for podcast sweeps? Can we go back in time and let me yes and that? We were just going to get Burt Reynolds to play the dad.

Oh, that would be awesome. He's had a lot of work done. Yeah, we could cultivate a friendly rivalry, maybe like 407 7th versus the 8063rd, and whoever wins gets the penicillin. I don't know. I mean, I don't know the rules of Dungeons & Dragons very well. I don't know if there's rules. Rule number one, there are no rules. What?

Rule number two, I was kidding about the first rule. There are books and books full of rules. There's tons of rules. Nothing but rules. I know the rules of Dungeons and Dragons. Watch out for bug bears. Yeah, right? Watch out for bug bears.

Slimes are easy to kill. I know that. The first rule of Dungeons and Dragons is you cannot allow a human being to come to harm or through inaction. Right. I think these are robot rules, Blaine. No, I fucked up. Asimov's rule of robotics. The rule is if you hit a pop fly and the umpire calls in field fly.

Jesse, that's the moon landing. Oh, okay. That's the moon landing. Thank God. It's pronounced apricot. I don't – and I don't want to – I know this is your thing and it's the McElroy's thing and I'm not involved. I don't mean to armchair quarterback. But could there be a situation where there's like a rip in the fabric of reality and their characters enter into your world? Like a crossover? Yeah, sure.

Sort of a Secret Wars even or like that fan fiction I wrote when I was in junior high where Battlestar Galactica found Earth in the 25th century with Buck Rogers. I think that's a great example. Yeah. Could that happen? Is that within the realm of possibility or is that just so absurd? I've already written it up. Yeah. Oh, the D&D thing?

No, never. Okay. Yeah. Fair enough. No. They're already dealing with a lot of Buckbears. They don't want to deal with Taco. Sure.

You mean the guy that did Bunch of Ricks? Yes. Yeah. I don't want to deal with it. That's one mean the guy that did the Tundra Ritz? Yes, yeah. I don't want to deal with it. That's one of the classes in D&D, right? There's paladins. There's paladins. They're lawful good. Those are like knights.

And then there's taco. And then there is taco. And I would think that taco would be- And then, of course, there's fixin'. Sure. Oh. That's your salon. Well, you know, there's the bug bar, and then there's your fixin's bar. Sure, Sure. Oh. That's your salon. Well, you know, there's the bug bar and then there's your Fixin's bar.

Sure, yeah. Right. And Fixin's bars are like bug bars, but there's a sneeze guard. Get yourself a little. So if you have a sneeze spell, it's useless against the salad bar. It's called nerd poker, ladies and gentlemen. It's called nerd poker. Our producer on Jordan Jesse goes Brian Fernandez.

Julian Burrell on the boards this week. Thank you, Julian. You can talk about the show at MaximumFun.reddit.com in the Facebook group. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. Oh, tons of summer boy tees. Yeah.

Can I offer a call to action on this week's program? Please. Give us a call and tell us what your number one summer boy activity is going to be this year. If you're out there and you're feeling like a summer boy, and remember that applies to all genders. Gender is a spectrum. Sure. And all points of the spectrum point to summer boy. It's the nucleus around which gender spins.

You got it. Tell us what summer boy activity you're going to be up to. I want to hear a couple. Next week on the show, I want to hear a couple good summer boy activities. Let's do that. Maybe we should devote all the call section to summer boy activities. Yeah. Next week is summer boy week.

We probably should have done this while we were still selling the T-shirt. What are you going to do? Yeah. Maybe we should do it in a week when you're here. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be at Max Funcon. Well, I was maybe going to. Maybe you're not going to be here next.

Well, let me know. Let me know what you think of this. Okay. I'm going to maybe since you're not here. Yeah. As I tend to do when you're not here. We have a little cocktail hour during the show. Uh-huh.

Spoiler alert. I think we're going to sample the Bud Light Mixed Tales. Oh. This is Bud Light's line of. This is a series of narrative cocktails. Uh-huh. Spoiler alert, I think we're going to sample the Bud Light Mixed Tales. Oh. This is Bud Light's line of... This is a series of narrative cocktails. Yeah, exactly. You say Clamato,

I say Clamato. Let's call the whole thing off. Anyway, but let's wait. Yeah, let's say two weeks from now we'll devote all the calls to summer boy activities. Okay, so call in right now,

206-984-4FUN. Tell us what you're up to. What are your summer boy activities? I want to hear some really good ones that really capture the spirit of summer boy. You can put them on Twitter if you want to with the hashtag summer boy. Just know that some of them are going to be about the Lady Gaga song Summer Boy from five years ago. Yeah, that's it.

Blaine Kapach, always a pleasure. Thank you kindly. The great Blaine Kapach has been here. Thanks for coming. Blaine Kapach, always a pleasure. Thank you kindly. The great Blaine Kapach has been here. Thanks for coming. Blaine Kapach appears courtesy Necco Wafers. That candy they continue to make for some reason. And the new album, You're Fired by the Benfolds 4, in stores now. Thanks, you guys.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye-bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. you next time on Jordan, Jessica.