Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 384: Danger Grate with Alison Becker

Episode Date: July 6, 2015

Actress Alison Becker joins Jordan and Jesse for an audio romp with discussions about next level manspreading, fannypackers in Vegas, and Jesse's trip to a farm with goat habitrails and animatronic chickens.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morse, Boy Detective. How are you, Jordan? Doing great. I liked that you came in here today wearing swimming trunks. Yeah, well, I just came from the beach.

They were nice swim trunks, too. Yeah, so I just decided, you know, I don't want to podcast in swim trunks, mostly because of just how I sit and the various ways in which I shift during the course of a program. Joke's on you, Jordan. I'm about to open the sluice. Oh, boy. So, yeah, I mean, ball seeing was a concern of mine. That's fair. So I decided to change into a, you know, proper pair of jorts.

You should have done what I did, which is cross your legs daintily. Yeah. I'm wearing a relatively wide-legged short, and I have rolled the legs slightly. Yeah. And it occurred to me as I sat down that this was a real ball-viewing

angle. I see what you're saying, Jesse. Right. I understand what you're saying about the dainty cross. Yes. But I'm a man-spread Jesse. Right. I understand what you're saying about the dainty cross. Yes. But I'm a man spreader. Sure. I just like to man spread. Man spreading. I like to man spread.

I like to mansplain. Yeah, sure. Which are the two things I'm known for. And I think that. I like to man cave. Yeah. And man cow. And I think if I wasn't man spreading during the the show, like, the quality of my voice would change.

Like, maybe the casual listener wouldn't notice, but maybe the super fans, like, man, that guy's not asserting his space, his masculine space. Sounds tight and tolerant. Yeah. Well, I am neither. No, sir. I am loose and prejudiced. Yeah. Take it to him, Jordan.

Here, I'm going to manspread. Athletic and video game journalism. That feels so good. Oh, boy. Jordan, can I ask you one question about your manspreading? Sure. Now, I'm not super familiar with manspreading. It's not like an area of expertise for me. I'm going to cut you off right here.

I take it to the next level. I not only spread my legs, but I like to apply a flavored spread to my crotch. Like an I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, Lando Lakes. Maybe a garlic butter, like a Texas toast. An oil-based butter substitute, yeah. Here's my concern, Jordan. Or substitute, yeah. Here's my concern, Jordan.

I have seen pictures of manspreading, like in your NewYorkMagazine.com, your Gawker.com, your Website.org. Yeah, yeah. I like to visit there. And usually what I see is a gentleman on a public transportation or something, and they had their knees set widely apart. You were spreading your butt cheeks. Oh, yeah. I mean, I not only apply a flavored spread, but I also open up my butt cheeks to expose my anus.

Right. Yeah, I mean, I guess that just sort of surprised me. It's not what I think of when I think of... You know like how a mandrill presents? Right. So the man in manspreading is not for man. Oh, no, it's for mandrill. Oh, okay. Is that what?

Mandrill spreading. Now, Jordan, have you talked to a doctor about the color of your butt at all? No. From pictures I've seen of mandrills, it's normal. Okay. So it's fine that it's purple and inflamed. Well, what? It's probably because I got all that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in there.

It's the garlic butter you're turning into a human piece of Texas toast. Our guest on this week's program is a delightful comic actress, hostess, comic actress from television programs like Newsreaders we were talking about a moment ago, Parks and Recreation lots of other things and a beloved regular guest here on Jordan, Jesse Go, Allison Becker Hi Allison. Hi guys. Hi Allison. I already have so many thoughts

on what has thus far been said Well we'll sit back, go ahead, what are your thoughts? I didn't know that manspreading was an actual term. Yeah Didn't know that manspreading was an actual term. Yeah. I didn't know that. I think it's – I mean I'm – of course I'm taking it to the next level. You are.

So I think how the layman, the non-mandrill man will spread is just – Is that what layman means? Yeah, yeah. This whole time I've been reading like New York Times articles. I've been presuming layman to mean like someone who's inexpert. Yeah. But in fact, layman means a man who is not a part mandrill. Yes, exactly.

Specifically. You're getting it. Now, what would you describe the members of the band Mandrill as? Oh, I had a lovely trip with that particular instrumental funk band to a certain island of the Dr. Moreau. Oh, good. And we were all turned into half-man, half-monkeys. Anyway. Excellent.

So it's something like if there's a man on public transportation who— Oh, I do know that. Oh, I'm familiar with that. After living in Manhattan, I have gotten into many an argument with many a gentleman— About how they've spread. About just, like, why are you taking up two seats? Yeah. There is no way that your penis is big enough that you have to spread that wide.

Now, was it Jon Hamm? If it were Jon Hamm, he could do whatever he wants. Yeah, he could spread. How does that go when you confront somebody about – Is that called ham spreading? Yes. Yeah. That was great.

Thank you. I usually start with a – when I'm confronting a person in public. Depends on what they're doing. I usually start with a loud I start with a – when I'm confronting a person in public. Depends on what they're doing. I usually start with a loud, angry sigh just to get at them. Can you give us an example? I'll spread you sigh. Okay. Is something wrong, ma'am?

Are you pregnant? You've got my attention. And then a lot of under the breath like, really, dude? Really? Yeah. And then sometimes just like, excuse me. Like, I'm taking up half a seat and you're taking up two seats. So this is like a tiered kind of situation where you start with the side.

Hopefully they get the point with the side. Yeah, they never do. They never do. So this is a situation where you are side to side. Yeah, side by side. With a spreader. With a spreader. And they just extend themselves

into your zone. I mean, that probably has happened to you guys as well, right? I do it. Not when someone is already sitting next to me. When someone is already sitting next to me, I crumple into a sad little... I usually get up. Because the seats... You just can't deal. The seats on the Metro in

Los Angeles, like, I can't put my legs in front of me when I'm sitting in seats that are – When there's another seat in front of you. When there's another seat in front of me, there's not enough – Yeah. So I have to do it in order to fit my legs. But if you're sitting on the side benches – On the side benches, it's worse because they're like three inches wide.

Actually, I had an extended bus riding period that just ended. I wrecked my car, got a new one, but I was bussing to work and here and there for a while. Are you okay? I didn't know this. I'm totally fine. It was a minor bump that exploded my Scion. I'm against bussing. That are, fun fact, made of Lincoln logs. So they explode.

Wow. I'm glad you're okay. I'm totally fine. Yeah. And I definitely was going into that really self-conscious, like feeling like I don't, you know, I felt like I'm a guest on this bus. Right. Right. So I curled into the tightest ball possible as soon as I sat down, even if like there was no one beside me.

Because I mean, if someone gets on, I don't want to be, I don't want to spread. That was very gentlemanly of you. So yeah. And you can always tell. I went into a pupil state. Well, that gentlemanly of you. So, yeah. I could go into a pupil state. Well, that was a bit excessive. No, no, no. I think I should go into a chrysalis and emerge a beautiful butterfly when I get to work.

But you can tell in – especially in New York who has lived in a city for a while. Sure. Because like just even the entering and exiting of the subway, like let the people on the subway get off before you go in. I always want to like just push people. Yeah. Like when I'm walking – Some people. Yeah. Like when I'm walking, when I'm walking down a sidewalk in a city and it's, there was a, there was a great radio lab about this that really basically there is a direct relationship between walking speed and

population density. And it is like a purely acculturated thing. It is like totally not about anything other than culture. Like it is totally arbitrary based on what the population density is of where you were acculturated. But like it makes me feel so crazy. I want to hit people. Like I just want to. And when people are like. Like when they walk four people wide on the sidewalk.

Yeah. And you know what I'll do? I'll just lead with my shoulder. I won't hit people. And you know what I'll do? I'll just lead with my shoulder. I won't hit people. But if you walk into me, I am probably bigger than you.

And I will just take you down. I don't care. Like if you were a Chinese woman with groceries. I'll do that when I'm waiting in line and there's someone standing too close behind me. Which I don't understand why people do that. When they're just like breathing on your neck. I will do a wide stance, a wide front back stance. Like cross countrycountry skiing i'm imagining cross-country skiing so just that they inevitably will just like hit my foot and be like oh and i'll be like okay well that means you're too close i don't say this i'm also insane i should explain to everyone

i want to emphasize that this is a me this is about me this isn't This isn't some moral justice crusade. It's just that I can't deal with it and I'm not going to – if you're going to walk into me, I will win. See, mine is a moral justice crusade. I'm like I want to do what is better for the most amount of people. crusade. I'm like, I want to do what is better for the most amount of people. So if you're going to be one person trying to cross four lanes of traffic, not best for them, not like best for the most amount of people. If you're going to be not standing to the right and walking to the left on an escalator, get out of the way. Sure. You're, you're, you're correcting so that future people do not have to deal with that. I am trying to be the voice of everyone on that escalator.

Can I tell you, my wife is, I'm from San Francisco, and my wife is from Marin County. She's mostly in Sonoma County, which are, Sonoma's borderline rural, and Marin is suburban and very quiet. And it took about, we've been together now for about 15 years. I'd say it took about 10 of those years for her to figure out that I wasn't angry at her

because I kept walking away from her anytime we were walking together in public. Meanwhile, I would become angry at her because what's going on? Where's Teresa? Where is my wife? I'd look behind. She's 40 feet behind me.

I have been to Vegas a lot in the past couple of weeks. Las Vegas? Las Vegas. Sorry. Sorry. I call it Vegas.

When you're here, you're family. I figured it out by the sound. No, no. When you're here, you're family. Okay. Unlimited salad and breadsticks in Vegas. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

What's crazy is they even have salad and breadsticks right there in the terminal at the airport. Yeah, I know. I guess we're here. I knew in the casinos, but in the airport? Come on. Just everywhere. Bowls of salad and breadsticks. And prostitutes.

Yeah. Yeah. Like family. Yeah, exactly. When you're here, you're family. Please pay me for sex. And the degree of I'm not waiting for you to get off the elevator i'm pushing on to the elevator right with my necklace that has a liter of margarita in

it right that is uh that is pretty maddening i feel like i almost got into a fight with a lot of fanny pack wearers see how because which is because – Which is a racist term I use. Guess which race? No, it's not. You know, those fanny packers. I can't imagine you getting visibly riled up about that. I can imagine you keeping it internalized. Oh, I keep it internal, yeah.

And it comes out at the cat when she jumps on something. That's how I release my – You've got to take it powerful passive. That's where I'm at. Oh, yeah. My thing is like. Choke it down. If you're walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk and you want me to step out of the way of you.

And you don't move because you're in your own fucking world or whatever. And you don't realize you're in an urban environment. And you happen to get like nine inches of my shoulder and fall down. My attitude about that is like, oh, man, you fell down. Gee whiz. Like I'm not looking for a fight. I'm like, what a surprise. I guess when you walk into people, you fall down.

You'd also fall down if you walked into that tree. Yeah, exactly. I'm also surprised that people in cities don't give way to people in wheelchairs, people with babies, people carrying a lot of things, and women walking in high heels. I think that's another thing that you should not force a woman to walk. I don't know if you noticed this, but there's grates on the ground. And if you're in heels, you can't walk on a grate. Yeah, which is not great.

There you go. It's not great. Well done. To walk on a grate. Jesus Christ. It's not great to walk on a grate. That's worse than that other awful thing that I said earlier. I mean, I guess that works out, well, for me, a foot fetishist who is always looking at women's feet.

Who I'm always noticing just those nasty feet and those high heels. I'm more into walking with a woman in high heels. Oh, sure. Like, don't force her onto the... Yeah. That happens sometimes. Don't shove her onto the grate. That's a big problem.

Probably don't shove her at all. That's a big problem for me because I'm a creeper who hides underneath grates. Sure. Yeah. For those upskirt shots? Upskirts and also— And up swim trunks. Upslash uptrunks.

That's where I like to go. That's my internet destination. Did you guys all go to the uptrunks this year? Oh, yeah. It's where the advertisers set their rates for advertising during up trunk shots on the Internet. I also like to hang out underneath those corrugated steel doors that are in the ground sometimes. Yes, familiar with them. So I can open them so people can fall in and die.

Yeah. Have you seen – I've seen, too, in L.A. that there's those doors that say, do not walk on this, it opens sometimes. Yeah, that's a big thing. Who's coming out of those? Like ninja fights. Like if you are engaged in some sort of like 1988, 1989 kind of Chuck Norris ninja fight, those can be really useful. It just seems like- You knock them in there. Don't put it in the middle of the sidewalk of someone. When you, the one time out of a hundred that someone's opening that door, there's going to be someone on top of it. Allison, I'm an importer-exporter. Okay.

Fantastic. I take exception to this position that you've taken. How am I supposed to ferry my goods to and from my dank underground storage area? You have a fence around it. How am I supposed to get my uncooked shrimp into my restaurant? You're right. I take it all back. I got to do it through that danger grate.

Danger grate. Yeah. Well, it's more of a danger door. That is actually the name of the Chuck Norris movie. Yeah. Danger grate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Hey, you like t-shirts, right? How about a mug?

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That is the honest truth. California is a crazy state. I do not know where I was. Live animals? Well, live animals, yeah. Because it could have been like a tomato farm. Could have been a tomato farm. They got tomatoes.

All right. Do they have pigs? There was one All right. Do they have pigs? There was one little pig. Do they have baby pigs? All I want, all I want in this life is to play with a baby pig. It wasn't a baby pig.

It was a small, regular pig. You know what I'm talking about? Adolescent. Like a tiny, what do you call that? A pocket pig. Yeah, pocket pig.

As popularized by Paris Hilton. Yeah. Yeah, like a little, you know, like it was like maybe 85 or 100 pounds. That would be my guess. Did you nuzzle up with it? A tossing pig. Oh, I couldn't.

You're not allowed to nuzzle pigs. Oh, that's a terrible farm. What's the point? Pigs can be kind of nasty creatures. I got bit by a pig one time. Did you? Yeah, and it was a pet pig, too. It was not even a farm pig that's belligerent.

Supposed to be domesticated. Apparently domesticated, but it turned on you. Yeah, it lives in an apartment in San Francisco, and it bit my ass. Why were you at a farm? Literally, it bit my hand. Well, I have two small children, and here's the thing. They need to be taught about servitude. So you put them to work.

They're like, you're not doing any- You got there at 4 a.m. You're not doing any tilling around the house. You need to be doing more tilling. I want to address that issue in a moment. Child servitude. That is a concern I have with the novelty farm economy. Sure.

But here's the thing. One day maybe you'll choose to have children, Allison. You don't have any children now, right? I do not now. One day perhaps you'll choose to have children. And you know how when you're working every day during the week, you just look forward to the weekend and you're saying, this weekend I'm going to do me shit.

I'm going to make myself a margarita and go to the beach, put on my swim trunks and go to the beach. In your case, Jordan, put on a – I did that. I did that. You did that. I did it yesterday. I went to the beach.

I feel like this podcast is so personalized. Thank you. Hey, is Los Angeles in the house? Whoa! I mean, Allison, you know a little something about this. You're wearing a romper right now. Yeah, I'm wearing a romper. I'm just hanging out.

I don't have kids. This is the kind of non-kids stuff you do when you're on the weekend or at least look forward to doing. And once you have children, the weekend just becomes. What are you, loudly masturbating in various rooms of the house? Yeah. Wherever. I'm doing it. That's what you say.

How loud can you masturbate? Is it like slapping your own ass or something? Oh, I'm like, I'm vocalizing. That's what you say. How loud can you masturbate? Is it like slapping your own ass or something? Oh, I'm like, I'm vocalizing. It's more the vocal. I'm vocalizing while I'm doing it. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, you can make certain sounds if you. It's also how he gets his anger out, all that anger he's holding in. Right, yeah, from elevator people and bus people.

Once your purple rear becomes engorged. Sure, yes, that's when the high decibel masturbation takes place. Yeah. Yeah, you got it. Those are monkey noises. Could be ape noises. I believe a mandrill's an ape. A human is technically an ape.

Did you know that? Continue. Wow. You know what? Stop mansplaining to us. A human is... Yeah. A lot of people think that there's people and then there's animals.

But I think that people are an animal, which is why we should love the earth and be spiritual. Yes. That's a pretty mind-blowing point of view, Jesse. I have never heard that before. Thanks. Now my world has changed. I have Native American blood. Clearly.

Yeah. What are you, one-eighth Cherokee? 32nd. Oh, boy. I mean Native American blood. Clearly. What are you, 1 8th Cherokee? 32nd. Oh, boy. I mean, it shows. It really shows in how spiritual and wise you are and connected to the earth. Sure. Anyway. And how many scholarships you got.

Exactly. So, Allison, when you have children, the weekend becomes this mountain you have to climb. But it's a mountain. Filled with pigs. Most mountains.

Pig mountain. This sounds like a pretty cool mountain. Where can I find this? Most mountains you climb and climb and climb and climb and climb. You reach the apex of the mountain. The summit, a.k.a. I call it the zenith. So many words.

Top. Yeah, there's top. The summit, a.k.a. I call it the zenith. So many words. Top. Yeah, there's top. We forgot about top. And then you slide down. And then you cruise on. Yeah, or you cruise on down. You're like, oh, it's a downhill run. We're not carrying as much water anymore.

It's all downhill from here. Right. When you have children. You did quote marks. When you have children. You did quote marks. When you have children, what you do is all day Saturday you're climbing up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Right. And then all of a sudden it's Sunday and you climb up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. And then Sunday night you fall off into Monday.

And that costs you $5,000. Yeah. Exactly. It is rough. It is rough. Well, the cocaine money. Yeah, exactly. Kids need cocaine or else what are they going to get their energy? Are your kids old enough that they were like,

we want to go to a farm and we want to go to a farm right now. So here's what happened. We went to a farm maybe six weeks ago and this is a rescue farm that we went to. Oh, was it Farm Sanctuary? It was Farm Sanctuary.

Yes. It's a lovely organization. Yeah. I guess it had been sold to me real heavily by somebody who was a nice lady. Nice vegan lady. Something makes me want to think it's June Diane Raphael. But somebody who's just

could get excited, a nice lady who'd get excited about something and really sell you on it. And it was all about how much petting of animals and seeing animals you get to do. And that's what I was expecting.

I thought at the beginning they would say, we're all vegans here and we take care of these animals. Here's what we do to take care of these animals. Okay. Because these are animals that are, some of them are like abandoned 4-H animals. Some of them are like, would have otherwise been lame animals in a farm or whatever, you know, and they took them in. And some of them just would have been like Thanksgiving turkeys and they just whatever, you know, and they took them in. And some of them just would have been like Thanksgiving turkeys and they just.

Yeah, exactly. A lot of turkeys. There were frozen turkeys sitting there like we wanted to make sure no one ate these. And in fact, what happened is so they first they heard us all into this barn. And I will say that while I'm not a vegetarian myself, I'm very sympathetic to the – I understand why people would be. I think it's a really admirable thing to be. Also, even people who eat meat – I eat meat, but even people who eat meat, you're obviously against the inhumane treatment of animals. Absolutely.

And they took us into this – Guys, I think everyone's brave. Thank you. I think everyone's brave. Thank you so much. Are you part Native American? I am. I'm 153rd Choctaw.

Choctaw. And it's why I'm so wise and connected to the earth. Got it. Do you want to see a scholarship? Because I have one in my pocket. So they heard us into this small barn area. How many of you?

I'm going to say 20. Okay. 20 people. And it was a real mix. It was a real mix. There were some... Oh, I don't like that. There were some real... I don't like to be with different types. Well, we already know how you feel about bussing, so... Oh, boy. There was a real mix... Did you,

in order to keep all of the other types out, did you make sure to splay out? Well, they had one bench for fanny pack people. Okay. Oh, boy. Fanny packers? There was, you know, there were like some kind of like there were some fanny pack folk there.

Okay. Some real gold chain-y fanny pack types. Gold chain-y fanny pack. That's a subset. Yeah, like wearing white heels. You know what I mean? That kind of thing? No, now you've just merged three different groups in one for me, but I'm really intrigued by that. Who is this person in white heels, gold chains, and fanny packs? Wow.

They're my people, whoever they are. But there were some real tried and true Stella McCartney sneaker types. Okay. There was a variety. There were a fair number of kids, including my kids, who were three and a half and one and a half. Okay. So they're like, we're going to show you guys this video first. Oh, no.

There's no slaughter footage in this video, so you don't have to worry. That worries me. Was it a wrestling video from the 80s that did not include Sergeant Slaughter? The only ultimate warrior in Legion of Doom. Did it show Mark Slaughter from the band Slaughter? It was his solo project. That's some Slaughter footage. It was.

His acoustic stuff that he does. I would summarize the contents of this video as every awful bit of video they had other than the actual moment of death wow and like we had to like walk away like there's no it was so inappropriate for a three and a half year old like it could have just like made him blubber and cry for years on end and so then i'm like okay we're over the hump yeah i mean i think, you know, I think we all probably remember the terrifying movies of our youth, the Returns to Oz's, the Pinocchio for me. Right.

And I accidentally watched Faces of Death. Oh, no. Right. We all saw that. I was probably far too young. I actually took a, like a big knife, small dagger, cut a man and watched him bleed out. Well, that's yours.

For me, it was watching Pinocchio, but you have that time where you. I'm thinking. Just imagine if that movie to you was a slaughterhouse video, like how much worse that is. With real animals. Yeah. So I'm thinking in my head, well, great. We were able to walk away during that part.

Now we go see the animals. We talk about animals. We learn about animals. We pet animals. Every stop, they get you to the animals that you're going to pet. And then they corral you in a fence. And then they say horrible things about factory farming to you for 15 minutes. And then they let you pet an animal for 10 minutes.

And we made it through two types of animals, I want to say. And then we were like, we can't do this anymore. We have to leave. So that was the farm you visited a few weeks ago. So then. So this was redo. So, yeah. So here's the farm you visited a few weeks ago. So then. So this was a redo. So, yeah. So here's the thing.

My son is three and a half and he understands what a farm is. Right. And he wants to go to a farm and see animals. Yeah. And pet them and not be told about death that he doesn't understand yet. And so we found a new farm. This is a farm this is like a common

it's like half a farm and half a... Strip club. Yeah, I'm gonna get all of those udders. Yeah, I'm really gonna milk the cow over here. Half a farm and half a library. It's half a farm and – Half a DQ. Half a kind of like a low-end children's carnival.

Okay, got it. To like a – Like a roadside attraction. Like a bee you can sit on and ride around. Yeah. Like a festival. Yeah. It's like –

Summer harvest festival. But permanent. So imagine if you went to see the world's largest ball of yarn. You had to pay $10 to get in. Right. And they have to have seven other things to justify. Like there's a little train that goes around in a circle. Strawberry shortcake.

Was it the one at Pierce College? No. It was in Moorpark, California, which I still am not familiar with what that is. Although I drove there and back. Called Moorpark, right? In the valley? It's probably at the end of that street. There you go.

Just take that street to the end and you're there. My dad used to have a Moorpark joke that he did to me. Please tell me you remember it. I do remember it. And I remember not thinking it was funny as a child. He's like, hey, Moorpark, look at that sign. What happens if you spell that backwards? And it's crap room with a K?

I even remember wanting to call him out on that, like saying, like, that's not how you spell crap. Like, I know how to spell crap. I'm six, and I know. Oh, Mr. Morris. Yeah, I know. Dad. Old Thad. Old Thad was full of yucks.

Yeah, I know. Dad. Old Thad. Old Thad was full of yucks. So it had a nice slide that went through a combine harvester. I thought it was pretty nice. To thresh the children? Precisely.

Sounds dangerous. It's like a log flume. Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, you know. This hole is a lovely slide. This hole will kill you. Oh, maybe it's the, I forget. You'll figure it out. Okay.

The red hole is the slide. The crimson hole is the thresher. And that's blood. There was a lot of feeding. You know, like you would at a petting zoo. You know, you put a quarter in a vending machine. A handful of pellets. Well, like you would at a petting zoo, you put a quarter in a vending machine. But the thing is- A handful of pellets.

But the thing is, is most of these- There was a little tiny petting area, but most of these animals are not petting animals. You can't poke and prod them because they'll get you. Like goats. Yeah. And so- Nibbly little bastards. What they had was like, imagine like a pneumatic chute, like a pneumatic tube chute. Send inter-office mail.

And that's how they sent the goats? That's how you give them the food. That's how they sent the goats from the pen to the petting zoo? They shot them out of a tube? That's so sad. You drop the... No, the goats like it. They think it's fun.

Goats love to be in tubes. There's like a double fence so the children don't poke at the goats. And they double the fence, maybe two feet. And there's maybe a three or four foot tube with like a hole at one end and like a little cup at the bottom. Right. And you drop it in and it goes down to the bottom and then the goat eats it. But here's

the thing. Here's what they had. An army of tiny goats. These goats were so small and so fat. Baby goats. They had baby ones, but they were pyg tiny goats. These goats were so small and so fat. They had baby bones, but they were pygmy goats. This is not a real fun... The agriculture was real,

but the names were made up. The agriculture was real, but these tiny goats, they're just for fun. But I'll tell you what they had, a fucking habitrail. A what? a tiny goat habit trail enclosure where they run a trail it's like uh you know a hamster goes through yeah yeah yeah the circle the yeah so it's like not the not the wheel specifically but the the you know the tube

the tube system so basically they had like now a goat doesn't want to go in a tube. That's a hamster, okay? A goat just wants, I guess, like a rotten old two by four. So they basically had this like into the trees, this goat platform walkway. And the goats had like platforms in the sky, like a pirate looking for enemy ships up in the sky above you. Do goats like to be up high? Yeah, they fucking love it. That's their main shit. I think goats do like to be up high. That's their fucking main shit.

I mean, I know there's mountain goats. A goat will climb up on top of a cow if it can. That's crazy. Sometimes you'll just be going along and there's a goat on top of a cow or another animal. So are these goats above you? They're above you. Yeah. So they're up in the sky.

Could they conceivably fall down upon you? No, there's a fencing system. Okay. It's like a combination of a two-by-four and a ship. You're given a spear, so if they jump down on you, you just hold up the spear to impale them. That's crazy. That's the main difference between this farm and the sanctuary farm.

Well, it sounds like there's a lot of differences. Have you guys heard about spider goats? No. Continue. I'd like to hear about these goats. This is kind of depressing to me. But it was found that spider web is actually one of the strongest materials there is if you were to make a thick rope out of spider web. But spiders don't produce enough spider web to make it

beneficial to humans. Exactly. Us. So what they did was they somehow genetically engineered goats and spiders together so that when you milk a goat, spider web comes out. That's dope. That's what science is for. Yeah.

But that's crazy. That can't be good for the baby goats drinking that milk. Spider milk. Yeah. Imagine how scared you are right now, though, if you're a criminal in Gotham City. Very. Quite. But they're actually making spider milk.

Just don't steal any cans. Spider goat won't get on your ass. Any rusty cans. Yeah. With the top flipped off just a little bit. So here's the other thing you do at this farm in Moorpark, California, is you go out into a field and pick— Wait, can I ask one more question about spider goats? Yeah.

I don't know the answer. Okay. I was going to ask, are they currently making anything out of this goat web that we as humans can use or do use? Maybe I'm purchasing stuff that's made of this web right now and I don't even know it. Great question. Don't know. Okay. Internet.

Yeah. Thank you. Don't know. Internet. Have you ever had a Chicken McNugget? I have had Chicken McNuggets. There you go. It's made out of goat spider silk?

There's definitely spider silk in there. That's why it's so chewy. Oh, how about... It gives it its distinctive crunch. There's definitely no chicken in there. Yeah, yeah. What is the sweet and sour dipping sauce made out of? Human jizz.

So when you're eating chicken nuggets, what you are really doing is you are taking a condensed lump of spider goat silk and dipping it into a tiny carton of jizz? Human jizz, yes. I just wanted to clarify. That is a fact. You do not need to check that on the internet. Oh, hold on. We have a sponsor this week. McDonald's. Have it your way.

Jordan, can I clarify one thing? The breading is not made of that spider coat. Oh, what's that? The clown tears. Oh, wow. A lot goes into these. How can they afford to sell them for 99 cents?

Well, clowns are cheap. Clown lives are cheap. Yeah. Yeah. They're worth less than other human lives. Oh, I didn't know that. You expect many letters from that comment. Clown lives don't matter.

They send you out into the fields to pick strawberries. Okay. Which is like a – They sent – the way you phrase it means like they were like, well, before you leave, you must complete this task. You cannot eat the strawberries. Okay. Which is like a... They sent... The way you phrase it means like they were like, well, before you leave, you must complete this task. You cannot eat the strawberries.

It is. It's like migrant worker... It's like migrant agricultural worker theme park. Most people would be delighted to pick their own strawberries. It's like those plantations in the South

where you go to celebrate slavery. They still have. I mean, I call it our proud Southern heritage, but you call it whatever you want. Where Ani DeFranco goes to I think was the controversy

something. Did your children enjoy it? Did they enjoy it? Yeah, they liked it pretty good. You got a free tractor ride, so that's pretty good. That's nice. Oh, you got to start

with the free tractor ride. Yeah. I mean, free tractor rides, but if you want to ride on the little train, that's pretty good. That's nice. Oh, you've got to start with the free tractor ride. Yeah. I mean, free tractor rides, but if you want to ride on the little train, it's three tickets. Hmm. How much is the ticket? Shit, I don't know. I didn't buy the tickets. I just spent them.

I don't buy them. I just spend them. What are you doing other than when you buy the train? What else can you use tickets on? Great question. You can pan for gold. That's pretty good. That's fun.

But here's the thing. There's no gold. This is what they do. There's like a little river, which already water features. Let's turn those off. There's a drought on, folks. So it's not a real river. They're trying to use up their water a lot.

Just fill it with human jizz that you can siphon out of McDonald's. Precisely. Just clown tears. Yeah, sure. Just put a real sad clown up there. Real Pagliacci motherfucker. Sure. So there's a little sluice, speaking of sluices, that comes down from a little artificial hill.

And it runs in front of what is essentially a carnival attraction. They give you a colander, basically. You know, it's like a box. you know, like a box sieve. Yep. Like you would use for panning for gold or whatever. And then they just open a bag that's full of sand and rocks and pour it into your thing. And then you go, your child shifts it back and forth. And eventually there's like a fossil there.

Like a trilobite? Yeah, but it costs eight tickets. Eight tickets? Yeah, no shit. But you get to keep the thing. Yeah. Okay. Eight tickets?

Tractorize three tickets and that's eight tickets. For eight tickets, I don't want a trilobite. I want a troglodon. You know what I mean? A geode? Can I get a...

How about a pterodactyl? A geode's going to be double-digit tickets. Yeah, a geode's going to be extra. In fact, Geode. How about a pterodactyl? Geode's going to be double-digit tickets. In fact, I don't even want a pterodactyl. I want a quetzalcoatlus. Get me a quetzalcoatlus. Did your kids enjoy that? What did they like the most? Great question.

Thank you. Jordan asked it, but I appreciate the compliment. I like how you guys operate as one human. I think... That's a tough one. Is there anything they wanted to do again? The main thing that they liked was the animatronic chicken show. Hey!

Again, you're leaving out huge details. There was an animatronic chicken show? You laugh like that's a surprise. That sounds fucking great. There's nine chickens in crates. They come out and sing songs. And they're robots. They're robots.

How big are they? Chicken size? I don't know if my children recognize that they were robots. Oh, great. Yeah, they're chicken size. It's a realistic show. Great. They got feathers on them?

This is about as realistic as a show gets where nine chickens come out of crates and sing songs. Do they sing songs about being caged in crates and electrocuted and sold to McDonald's? What's impressive to me about this thing is I do not think this was off the rack because they make a reference to the place that they're at. It's clearly the same voice as the guy that's talking the rest of the time for the chicken. There's no chickens can't actually talk. I don't know. I don't want to bum you guys out.

You've never seen a chicken talk. Right. I mean. Maybe at some point. You don't know what I've seen. Yeah. I've seen some shit. I've eaten some shit.

I've seen some shit. Yeah. Well, here's what happened. They went to this farm with my wife, but I wasn't there last week. Then this week they wanted to go back. It's an hour away. I should make that abundantly clear. And the main reason was to see these chickens. My three-and-a-half-year-old came up to me and he said, hey, Dad, you know what's funny? And I'm like, I'm already – I'm well on my way to happiness, you know. And I go, no, Simon, what's funny? And he goes, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

It's pretty good. He's right. It's funny. It's funny. I mean, he's not lying. It is funny. Yeah, on the kick of let's pay to do something that the rest of the world does as work, when I went to this bachelor party in Vegas, one of the things that people were proposing doing was you can do a thing where you like drive a bulldozer or like a steam shovel. There's like a place you can go. Oh, my God.

That's so for bachelor parties. Oh, boy. Yeah. And that sounded like negative five fun to me. But you've never wanted as a boy to just drive a bulldozer? I was not a tractor kid. No, I was not a kid who had tractors. I could imagine my boyfriend wanting to do that.

Yeah. I mean, I guess maybe that is a boyhood fantasy. Your boyfriend may be a little more butch than we are. Oh, I don't know. It seems impossible. Yeah. I mean, if there was something in Vegas where you could fuck a transformer, I don't know. It seems impossible. Yeah. I mean, if there was something in Vegas where you could fuck a Transformer, I would like to do that. By the way, I guarantee you there is something in Las Vegas where you can fuck a Transformer.

You just pick up the phone, press the button for the concierge. Hi, I'd like to suck off Mossman from Masters of the Universe. No, no, no. Okay. No, I'm sorry. You're thinking of Man-at-Arms. Mossman. You're clarifying with the concierge because he's confused.

Can I say one thing about just people in outfits? Sure. Yesterday I was downtown, or Friday actually, I was downtown. I had to buy a mannequin. Long story short. Don't even explain it. Just have some mystique. Be the guy who buys mannequins.

I was going to cut a hole in it and fill it with KY jelly and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Make some sweet and sour. Fill it with the old sweet and sour. There's something going on downtown called Anime Con, I think. It's Anime World. Yeah, yeah. That is happening. That sounds like it.

Anime Expo. Thank you, Julie. Anime Expo, which I'm sure is a blast for anime enthusiasts. But what was amazing to me is, you know, it probably costs $40 or something to park at the convention center. And so all these 19-year-olds in like full-on Super Mario costumes or whatever, they're all dressed as Akira or something, are three quarters of a mile, a mile from the convention center. It's 97 degrees outside.

Just hoofing it with their giant key-shaped swords. Suffice it to say, they're not athletic young people. Aw. And they're just walking pools of liquid. Just like, you know, their unicorn makeup is like half wiped off one side of their face. Just like, oh, it was amazing. I really felt for these young people. Yeah.

I mean, I think this is the time when you utilize public transportation. But, I mean, if manspreading is a problem, like think about a guy who has a cardboard sword as big as him. Yeah. That's also an issue. I mean, you've got to be confused. You've got to be worried about... Oh, God damn it. What's that thing where it's like airplane robot guys

and they fight each other? Transformers? No, it's like Transformers. Airplane go-bots? It's like the... I think of Transformers as... Robotech. Robotech.

Yeah. You've got to worry about Robotech spreading. Sure, yeah. You have to worry about Super Saiyan spreading. You've got to be concerned about mechs. Yeah, yeah. M-E-C-H. You have to...

Evangelion spreading. Just trying to think of some anime stuff. I'm a regular Dragon Ball Z. Aren't we all? I'm a regular Farmer John is the moral of that whole story. Jesse, when you spread your legs in those shorts, I can see your Dragon Ball Zs. There you go. Is Los Angeles in the house?

What? What? Can I ask you a question about your undergarments? Yeah. Do you wear undergarments? I am wearing undergarments. Are you wearing boxers? No.

Let's see. No, I'm wearing a brief. Okay, so they'd be fine then. I might have been wearing a boxer brief. But nobody wants to look at my underoos. No, underoos are cool. No, you're right. Underoos are cool. That is cool. I'm not a fan of

boxers. Really? Yeah, they just seem like very frat boyish to me. How do you feel about a mixed martial artist? No comment. I stopped boxers a while back and have not looked back. It's been life changing. I feel like a chump for boxering for so long. I like boxer briefs. I stopped boxers a while back and have not looked back, and it's been life-changing. I feel like a chump for boxering for so long.

I don't even mind tighty-whities. I like the idea of a boxer, but the truth is that in application— It doesn't support you, right? You want something supportive with a little bit of stretch? What if it's really hot, though? Would a boxer be better? No, because it gets worse. Because what happens is it gets juicy in there and it sticks to weird things and it glides up in. Yeah.

That's the other concern. It's cumbersome. I don't know why they were so popular in the 90s, guys. Sure. Oh, hey. Very popular. I was a boxer shorter all throughout the 90s. Sure.

With pictures on them. Smiley face. Pot leaf. Yeah. I'm not into them anymore. I had silk boxers that boxers with pictures on them. Smiley face, pot leaf. Yep. I'm not into them anymore. I had silk boxers that had parrots on them. Silk boxers, yeah. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Wearing anything silk just makes me feel disgusting. It makes me feel like a sleazy masturbator. Anytime any silk touches me. Yeah. Men don't need to wear silk. Yeah. I feel like a. Maybe an ascot and that's it.

Like I feel like a. Like just an ascot. Just an ascot, yeah. Completely nude. When I wear silk as a woman. Welcome to my chalet. When I wear silk as a woman, I'm just like, the first time I wear it, I'm just like so conscious of like, don't sweat, don't sweat, don't sweat because you you're gonna wear this shirt once that you paid too much money for and then you're

never gonna be able to wear it again because you just ruined it yeah I would however wear a garment made out of goat spider silk absolutely that sounds strong lightfully decadent strong flexible it'll give me the power to eat cans whole we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio, sweetheart.

I'm Alison Becker sitting down. Hey, guess what? We are live. If you were listening to this, the day it comes out, we're live tomorrow night in Los Angeles at the upright citizensight Citizens Brigade Theater on Franklin Boulevard. That's exciting.

Avenue? I think it's an avenue. Franklin Ave? I live right off of it and I don't even know. I think it's an ave. Yeah, you're right. It is an ave. Do not go to Franklin Boulevard.

That is in Moorpark by a farm. 7 o'clock p.m. Tickets are five bucks. There's still a few left. John Ross Bowie and Jamie Denbo. Oh, that's so fun. Comedy super couple. John Ross Bowie and Jamie Denbo will be joining us on that program.

A great idea that you had, Jordan. Well, shucks. Credit to the credit master. Well, thank you. And thank you for using my new nickname, credit master. Thank you for using my new nickname, Credit Master. Well, since you started doing those television commercials starring Captain what's-his-name from Star Trek. I don't know.

I'm having a hard time. You know what I'm talking about. Captain Spock. Spock Picard? No, the other one. The original one. William Shatner? Yeah, William Shatner. What, does he do credit card commercials?

The Credit Master. He does Priceline. Priceline Negotiator. Priceline negotiator. Priceline negotiator. Wow, that was in my head. Taking up room. Did you know that John Bowie and Jamie Dembo, I hope they don't mind me saying this, but I found this out recently, that they do a thing where they'll get a babysitter and they'll have a couple drinks and they will go to a local high school and watch a musical. Isn't that fun?

I think that'll probably take up most of the podcast tomorrow. That's amazing. You're welcome for that. That is totally amazing. I just love them. They're so fun. Saturday, September 12th, we're in Portland, Oregon. Oh, fun.

Now, Jordan, we're going to be at the Hollywood Theater. Here's my concern. That we're going to be too Hollywood for it? People are going to go, these guys are a little too Hollywood. No, sir. I think we can get with that. Bring on the thermals. I think we can get that Portland vibe.

And the flannels. Yeah. Also the flannels. I think we can get that Portland vibe going. I think we can make it happen. Yeah. Here's what I'm thinking. that Portland vibe going.

I think we can make it happen. Here's what I'm thinking. What I'm wondering is, is that enough show for people or should we promise more right now? Oh, boy. I mean, it's going to be a lot of show. Right. I mean, Jordan and Jesse go by itself.

I mean, that's worth whatever price these tickets are. More, more, more, more. You know what, Jesse? I wasn't going to say anything since Allison started chanting. More, more. I'm going to say,

let's throw in another great act. Okay. You know what? You saying we should throw in another good act reminds me. Hold on. I'm looking into a light and I need to somehow shade my eyes. Throwing shade will be joining us on that program. Aaron and Brian do the funniest human beings on earth. One of my favorite shows in the world.

What an honor it is to be on that show with them. It is going to be, I mean, we are going to blow Portland's asses out. Who's Hollywood now, assholes? Get ready to do some. Take it easy, George. Sorry, I'm getting defensive early on. Get ready to do some manspreading Portland. Oh, yeah.

Because we're going to get up in your ass. We're going to present our giant purple anuses to you. Oh, man. It's going to be so fun. Get your tickets for both of those now. You can find the ticket links at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second with more. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I made some ice cream, too. You made ice cream? Yeah. Do you have an ice cream maker? Hashtag summer boy. Yeah.

I made some fucking, I don't know if you ever heard of a holiday named Father's Day, Allison Becker. I've heard of it. I've heard of it. Yeah, well, somebody got hooked up on Father's Day. Oh, ice cream maker. Donald Bass ice cream maker. I made malted milk ice cream. Sounds pretty good.

That sounds delish. It is mad delicious. Anyway, I'm just trying to brag. The. Sounds pretty good. That sounds delish. It is mad delicious. Anyway, I'm just trying to brag. The bacon's pretty good, too. Jordan, have you seen the sheer volume of Summer Boy activities going on on Twitter right now? Allison, for you, we are having a, you know, kind of a theme this summer. I like it. It's called the Summer of the Summer Boy.

Right. It's based off a time when an Uber driver told me that when I was wearing shorts, I looked like a summer boy. Aww. So people are on Twitter doing summer boy stuff. Did you see the guy made a summer boy video game? And it's dope as hell, too. It's real fun. We'll link that up.

That will be linked up on the Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com. And we'll post that up on, you know. I think it's already on the Facebook at maximumfun.reddit.com and we'll post that up on... I think it's already on the Facebook. There you go. I put it on the Facebook as soon as I saw it. It's great. Here's what you do in this video game, Allison. You're basically Jordan and you're walking down to what looks like a... A Jordan-like character. Yeah, well... Because I was not

asked for the life rights. Exactly. Did you do the mo-cap for that? No, I didn't. Someone else did. It's not Michael Jordan, but it is number 23, the shooting guard. Yeah, sure.

And so you kind of figure. Yeah, I get it. He's walking down a pier and he shoots tank tops at staid business folk and they join his entourage. Yeah. And the more people you zap. Yeah, and the more

people you zap with tank tops, the more summer boy shit happens in the background. There's a smiling whale you can see. It's really fun. Are there any obstacles? The idea is just to keep if you miss a person, then clouds cover the summer atmosphere.

Oh, no! Okay, okay. It's like an endless runner. Well done, programmer. The main enemy, I would say, is autumn. Well done. Like the leaves turning. Time. Yeah.

I've seen some great – somebody posted a picture on my Facebook page directly, just like posted up on my timeline, you know, of just a real handsome dude, like a real, like a middle-aged handsome guy, like a cool 45-year-old guy. And he was just like, sort of like cool guy smoking a cigarette, wearing a summer boy tank top, hanging out in front of a surf shop in New York, like Far Rockaway or whatever. I've been to that surf shop. There you go. You can take the subway out to a surf shop and then surf.

You know who's all about that? Kurt Braunahler is all about that. Yeah. You ever want to talk to Kurt Braunahler about surfing in the air? I did that once when we worked for Fuel. I went to that. Yeah. I went to that subway surfing place.

It's not the best, you know, break or anything, but it's fun. It's like you're like I'm in New York City and I'm surfing. Sure. Allison, I saw something kind of cool that you were doing on the internet. Did I see that you were doing some sort of salsa or samba dancing? I was. I went to the Autry Museum has this thing on Thursdays in July and August called Sizzling Summer Nights.

The Gene Autry Museum of the American West? You are correct, sir. In Griffith Park. And that is the enunciation they want you to say it with, right? It's correct. It's called Sizzling Summer Nights. They won't let you say it at full volume.

No, you're not allowed. That's how their ghost of Jean Autry says it. Exactly. And it was so fun. They have tequila and they have tacos and there's a lot of older Latino people dancing and then in the middle of it, they have a lesson for all the white people like myself to learn how to salsa.

All right, whites, get over here. Hey, whites. But it was such a fun summer night. I highly recommend it. Nice. How did you take to the salsa dancing? Did you pick it up? I am not a good dancer.

My boyfriend Josh is also not a good dancer. And it turns out when you put two bad dancers together, it does not equal any good dancers. It's just a lot of stepping on feet and laughing but we had a good time okay that was some i felt like i'm like fucking like i know allison maybe doesn't know about the summer summer boy movement but i'm like this is it it was very summer boy yeah it was good times yeah it was great and yesterday i did beach day which was pretty pretty summery yeah everybody's going to the beach these days i was really excited because um were cops, a lot of cops around yesterday, you know, like just giving out tickets. Oh, we're taping this on July 5th.

So you were there on the 4th. I was on the 4th of July, which in case you are unfamiliar, it is a national holiday in the United States of America. Arbor Day. Yes, Arbor Day. And there were a lot of cops who were just like, your music's too loud. No dogs, no beer, no weed. And everyone was like, come on, bros. So it's Fourth of July.

And then you played a sweet heavy metal riff and all their uniforms melted into bikinis. So I saw some cops on horses and I was like, I'm going to turn this day around. And I was wearing a Wonder Woman one-piece bathing suit with a cap, a cape attached. Because I'm 38 and that's what I do. And I just went over to them and I was like, can I take some pictures with you guys? And they were like, can we take some pictures with you? And then the cops started taking pictures with me because they were like, we love Wonder Woman. And then all of a sudden all these people came over to the horses and I turned into a little party with the cops.

Dude, never underestimate the power of capes in public. Yeah, it was really fun. When did the shooting start? Yeah, shortly after. After they were entwined in your lasso of truth. Do you want to shoot your gun? Yeah, I guess I do. Pow, pow, pow.

But it was fun. It was a good day. It sounds great. We got some summer boy situations called into us by our listeners. Julian, why don't you run out the first one? Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and fantastic guests. This is Chester from Cleveland, currently living the summer boy lifestyle. On my vacation to Tampa, Florida, two of my best bros and I came down here to watch baseball, sit on the beach, drink beer, and keep it sleazy like Sunday morning. We don't currently have internet, but I managed to use a nearby bowling alley's Wi-Fi to download your newest episode.

Thank you for the summertime inspiration. That's my man Chester from Cleveland. There you go. Chester, bowling simulates summer for me, right? What's up, Chester Chess? You bowled in the summertime. I bowled in the summertime, yeah. Hot summer night, you go in for some mozzarella sticks and the air conditioning.

Oh, yeah. Get those stinky shoes on. I guess that was a place where, like, when you are a kid, your mom can drop you off. Yeah, exactly. I definitely got dropped off at a lot of bowling alleys in the summertime. It was fun. Yeah. Maybe you had a Neo Geo in there you could play.

Perfect. This is interesting. I feel like I, you know, he said Tampa. Right. I feel like I have, and, you know, these days days I feel like Florida has become this – A real punchline. I'm going to say punching bag, a punching bag for sleaze. That's where you go to sleaze around.

Part of me thinks like that might be a fun place to take a vacation, just like go to Florida for a couple of days and get drunk with a bunch of weird Florida townies. Is that – am I wrong? Yeah, you're wrong. I'm wrong about that. That is not fun. Yeah, you're wrong. Okay.

Like swamp folk? Yeah, like swamp folk. I don't know. Just like go to the Florida- I've done Fort Lauderdale. Oh, okay. For like a spring break. I did Fort Lauderdale like my first post-college vacation.

My girlfriends and I were like, what's the warmest and cheapest place we could go? And we're like, Fort Lauderdale. Yeah. And I hooked up with a fireman. Okay. This is all sounding pretty good. I mean. But it was really trash.

I've always wanted to do it with a public servant. Maybe there's a nice male lady down there. I boned a comptroller once. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. Well, he's more of a bureaucrat. Yeah. But you like the red tape types.

I do. Yeah. You're a real red tape daddy. Yep. Yeah, I have this weird urge to. I'm not going to take that dream away from you. If that's your dream... You're saying you think it'll be bad.

I mean, I think it'll be a good story. I don't know. I'm sure there's lovely people in Florida. I've been to Florida a few times. Mostly for professional reasons. Sure. Because you were in that boy band and they're all in Orlando. Yeah, exactly.

I had to go get diddled by that one guy. Diddled by that one guy? You know what I'm talking about? Wasn't one of those guys a real... Justin Timberlake? Notable diddler? No, not one of the guys in the band. The guy that invented all the bands. Oh, I imagine if you invent a boy band you're in it for the diddling. Yeah, so...

I can't imagine. Here's the thing. Did not work out for me. Yeah. I mean, I wish the state of Florida all the best. And when I was in Miami, I did eat some good Cuban food. Oh, yeah. I was in Miami once for 20 hours and still think about the Cuban meal that I had. That's one of those meals that I can remember and fantasize about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I don't know if you guys – I think this might turn the image of Florida around. I don't know if you guys have spoken to any adult females in the past maybe 72 hours. I try not to. But there's a movie that came out last week. Oh, Terminator Genisys. Magic Mike XXL, which is the finest American film ever made. I could talk about it at great lengths. What are some highlights?

There were some abs, there was some dancing, and there were some more abs. Okay, got it. Were there pecs at all? Oh, there were pecs, Jesse. There were pecs. Hold on. Were any books balanced? I'm into Comptroller.

But it really is going to turn the image of Florida around. So a movie about male strippers is going to... Yes. Because that is not the image I had of Florida. Because they are strippers with hearts, Jordan. Here's... I read in the AV Club review of Magic Mike XXL. Was it written by a straight woman? This person was mildly

enthusiastic about it, so I probably know. It's probably a straight man. Okay. Yeah. The detail... Men have no business. The first one, men the detail men have no business the first one men should see i love i really like the first one i like really got a lot out of it it's really like thoughtful movie that is saying something exactly this one is just for gay men and straight women okay yeah i've heard that that they kind of but it's beautiful took the nugget about the first one that people liked not the you know melancholy meditation on what it means to be a man.

And they're like, nah, just have them hunk shake those buns. But the AV Club review said, you know, they all talk about going to a stripper convention. And then when they finally get there, there's just a banner that says 2015 Stripper Convention. Yeah, no stakes. No stakes. No one brainstormed on a better name. Nope. They're like, put this in as a placeholder, but we'll change this later.

That sign got applause from me in the theater, just so you know. I was like. Yay, sign. It's actually like a lit up, like a temporary convention sign where they're just like, oh, what conventions are going on today? Enter this into the computer and it'll appear on the convention sign. So they couldn't even be bothered to do the research to find out that it's really called strip con. Yeah, right. Exactly. They didn't need to.

Controller. For sexy comptrollers. When I was in Miami, I had some great Cuban food. I bought a beautiful guayabera from a special guayabera store. And I saw a rooster pecking at a dead dog in the street. And you're like, time to go home. Yeah, well, later for you guys. Thanks for the...

There are some beautiful bodies in Miami. I will give that to Florida. Dead dog's body. It's a tight, dead body. But male and female bodies. Sure. Just very well taken care of. Yeah, I think the thing I'm thinking about is going to a Tampa, a Daytona Beach.

Yeah, I mean, do it. Yeah. My main thing, my main image of Miami in my mind is watching 106 in park at some point, like when I was like 18 or 19 or something like that. And Free and AJ were chatting with each other. I was like 18 or 19 or something like that. And Free and AJ were chatting with each other. And one of them said, if you could be anywhere in the world, what city would you choose? And the other one goes, Miami.

Yeah, Miami. Like as though that's the most self-evident thing in the world. But you know what? If you're fucking as good looking as the hosts of 106 and Park or whatever, I bet Miami's a good time. People are just giving you cocaine and whatever you want to fuck. They're letting you ride around on a Ducati. Yeah. They just hand you a Ducati. Like I bet if you get to the Miami airport and you're like a 9 out of 10 and maybe you have a hint of ambiguous ethnicity, they just hand you an exotic car

and a bowl of cocaine. Yeah. And there's no income tax. Well, there you go. Then you can go eat some delicious plantains and black beans whenever you want to. Got some surprising muscles. Muscles in surprising areas. Maybe you borrowed a suit from Pitbull.

Muscles in surprising areas are so fun. You like a surprise muscle. I like a surprising muscle. Let's take another summer boy call. Hi, this is Steve from Illinois. Let's see. Today, my daughter slept in, which allowed me to engage in coitus with my wife in the morning, which is nice. During the day, I got a lot of errands done, and then the afternoon,

I got accidentally quite buzzed on margarita mix and tequila while watching my daughter play in the backyard, and now I am sitting alone in a basement enjoying a nice baseball game. Why? Because I'm a fucking summer boy. Just do summer boy in full time.

Isn't a margarita mix and tequila a margarita? That's what I was about to say. He's drunk. He's drunk. You know what? Illinois earns their summers. Yeah, that's true. So he earned his summer. Yeah, and dads earn their coitus. Yeah, and tequila is the only alcohol that's a stimulant,

so it makes you have a good time. You know, I, to this day, still order tequila and club soda. That is my go-to drink because of that advice you gave me. It's the best. And I feel like people go, oh, you ordered a what? Yeah. And I always say, well, it's the only alcohol that's a stimulant.

And the margarita is great, but it's a lot of sugar. It's a lot of sugar. But if you just do that with like – I do a lot of lime in there. I try and credit you too if like someone is adjacent and knows both of us. I try and say, that's Alison Becker. She's healing club soda. One time Jordan and I were at a Mexican restaurant with some friends and I don't know if you know this. I

was not drunk. I maybe had a half a drink that night. Maybe it was the night I gave you that advice. I don't know. But I ate so many chips and salsa. Did I ever tell you this? No. I ate so many chips and salsa. Like so much chips and salsa. How much chips and salsa are we? I got home and I threw up.

I was not sick and I was not drunk. I just was full of chips and salsa. This is pure chips and salsa puke. I love chips and salsa. Do you remember the color? It was colored like chips and salsa. P.S. Most things I vomit, you can retaste them with a tinge of vomit.

You're like, oh, I'm not going to eat this for a while again. But I was like, no, I would still eat chips and salsa. I would love some chips and salsa. Now.S. Most things I vomit, you can retaste them with a tinge of vomit. And you're like, oh, I'm not going to eat this for a while again. But I was like, no, I would still eat chips and salsa. I would love some chips and salsa. Now that my stomach's empty. Better fill it up with some nice chips and salsa. You know what I'm into right now? Guaca salsa. What is this guacamole and salsa mix? I mean, I think we figured it out.

It's like a tomatillo salsa, but it also has avocado in it. So it's like a little bit guacamole-y, but mostly salsa-y. Yeah, that's the shit. Okay. That's what's up. Cool. Got protein in it. That's like a cool Alison Becker style tip.

Sure, that's a great tip. It's also the only dip that's a stimulant. Oh, okay. Most dips will make you crash. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, I typically will like to just have a little bowl of queso before I go out. Uh-huh.

Sure. But then I get sleepy around 11 midnight. Sure. If you want to go all night. Sure. You've got to have this thing you're talking about. Guaca salsa? Yeah.

Guaca salsa. Salsa mole? What's that? That's a salsa with a little chocolate in it. That's some different shit. Sesame seeds. Hmm. Let's take another call.

Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. It's John from Atlanta, Georgia. And I was calling to let you know about my summer boy situation here uh i think i actually might be king of summer boy now let me tell you what happened uh last pause this julian press pause on the one hand i'm a little upset about this guy proclaiming yeah this. I mean, maybe this is great. This better be epic. This might be great. But I like his tone.

No, it's a nice tone. Somehow he's claiming to be King of Summer Boy in a tone that I'm pretty comfortable with. He's like, look, man, the reality is this fell into my lap.

It's not my fault. I'm pretty sure. I was born into royalty. It's how the casual tone in which Vin Diesel says that he should have an Oscar for Fast and Furious. It's very matter of fact way. Well, yes, of course I should have an Oscar for Fast and Furious. Yeah.

Okay. Go back to the beginning. I'm skeptical. I'm not as at ease as you are. Likewise. I also didn't. I know Atlanta's in Georgia, but thank you for telling me. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. It's John from Atlanta, Georgia.

And I was calling to let you know about my summer boy situation here. I think I actually might be king of summer boy now. Let me tell you what happened. Last Thursday when I got to work, my coworkers and I got on a bus and we headed out to the lake for the day. On the way there, we all had mimosas and once we got there, we jumped on a pontoon boat that took us to our own private cove. We had a couple of houseboats. We had some grills going, some speakers banging some awesome music.

We had some jet skis and all in all, had a really fun day. A co-worker of mine actually made five gallons of Mai Tais and also mint juleps. So we were having a good time out there. Best of all, I got paid for it. It was on a Thursday. So I guess, watch the throne? Anyway, I love the show and

I will talk to you guys later. Bye. Is this guy coming after the previous Kings of Summerboard? I don't know. He did switch me though because he had pontoon boats, five gallons of Mai Tais, and jet skis, and also

how you went to work and then you all just got on a bus. I've never been to Atlanta, but this is what I imagine Atlanta is like. This is like, yeah, that checks out. This is what I imagine Atlanta is. Let's head out to the lake, man. We're not at the lake right now. Fuck you, boss.

We're going on a pontoon boat. I think, listen, this is great. This is, you know. Do you think it's clients? Something about clients? I think it was a client. I've never had clients. I don't know.

Maybe he's a Mai Tai jug salesman. Like, get out there with a Mai Tai jug and you show all these hip kids, all these early adopters. Down at the lake. You show them that Mai Tais can come out of a jug. He's like maybe he's like a brand ambassador for jugged Mai Tai. I think E40 is the brand ambassador for jugged Mai Tais. Well, he's like the – he's the one who gives all these lesser people his. He was drinking – he was definitely drinking jugged Mai Tais at the NBA finals.

I like this. I mean, I will say that one of our first summer boy calls was a woman organizing a three-way. Right. And I know that is not exactly a summer particular, but I have a hard time imagining that any of these people are having more fun. Right. Than that. So I don't know. Maybe this guy had some sort of boat sex.

Well, I didn't hear that three-way call, but I would – that's a pretty epic call. But at the same time, that doesn't encompass summer to me. No, you're right. That's like summer is about like partying, being outside. They could have been doing it outside. That's true. Here's my concern about the three-way. In full view of a carnival.

Can I tell you my concern about the three-way. In full view of a carnival. Can I tell you my concern about the three-way? Please. Skeeters. Yeah. Sure. How much Avon skin so soft can you slather on before the three-way? It's part of the foreplay. You rub off on your lovers. Gotcha. And it gets them prepared.

You're doing light S&M but with citronella candles. Oh, sure. Yeah. Exactly. Drip a little wax. It's like the grown-up S&M. Sure.ronella candles. Oh, sure. Yeah. Exactly. Drip a little wax. It's like the grown-up S&M. Sure. It's sensible. Like, let's prepare.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you think this is why the real reason why Bill Gates is so into malaria prevention? Oh, yeah. Because him and his wife do. They just had a really – Erotic citronella play. Yeah. Epic Skeeter three-way.

They're like, oh, this gives me an idea. All right. Maybe this guy wins. I'm just assuming he at least, you know, had some sort of pontoon oral or something. Yeah. See, I think it's like being the king or queen of Summer Boy is just being so chill that nothing like crazy even happens. Can I tell you something that I think would have made him king to me? And it could have been implied. I wasn't listening that carefully.

If he said, I sucked off a dude from down the hall. I wasn't listening that carefully either, but I don't think he said that. But I could have missed it. Like if he implied that. No, no, no, no, no. This guy's hog was so huge. not in the office down by the lake like

shit got kinky with the co-workers no they were it was chill that's the thing about it like they were all so chill that he's it was like that mr show sketch where he goes dude then suck that shit okay you know what i mean i thought it was i mean? I thought it was pretty summertime. I mean, he needed to throw some weed in there, but... And yeah, no, yeah. I mean, it would have been cool if he was

high as shit. Yeah. If he was taking some fat bong rips. I mean, being drunk is fun, but like being high is more fun. Yeah.

I think, I mean, I definitely think like an awesome like summertime activity is getting high and walking around somewhere. Or getting high and sitting down.

Yeah, sure. I'll go, yeah. I'm going with you on this. Just drugs. Just drugs in general. They're really great. Putting them in your mouth. Yum, yum, yum.

One summer, my dad ate magic mushrooms every day for a week straight. What? And then ended up in the psychiatric jail. What? See? Now that's a summer boy. Yeah. I mean, that's the king right there.

You know what? Fucking, that shit that my dad did, he's the king of summer boy. Yeah. I mean, that's the king right there. You know what? Fucking that shit that my dad did, he's the king of summer boy. Yeah. He was in psychiatric jail for like six months. That's amazing. Until he was there until winter. Yeah, exactly. The only thing that kept him, the only thing that got him sober was he went to Minnesota

and he didn't know anyone to sell him drugs and he didn't want to leave the house to buy drugs on the street. Yeah, sorry, guy. Yeah. My dad just. His dad wins in the 70s. Yeah. I'm assuming it was the 70s. Yeah, no doubt it was the 70s.

You know it was the 70s. In 1973 or whatever. Fucking chilling out on the big island. I have so many questions about that. Oh, it's really real good go check i don't know like four different past episodes of jordan jesse go i don't know i this is one of those did he have any epiphanies that week yeah man he decided he realized that he should live and not die that's what the that's what the tribunal of 12 giant men representing every race decided yeah when he argued his case before them in a sump hole on the beach

after his nipples in water. These stories make substance abuse seem less fun. Yeah. Don't listen to them, kids. There are no consequences to drugs. If you've got a momentous occasion or a summer boy moment for us, and remember, ladies can be summer boys, too.

In fact, ladies are probably better at being summer boys than dudes are. Sure. Because we've got sundresses. Share it with us. Oh, and bikinis. Rompers. And rompers. Yeah.

206-984-4FUN is the number. 206-984-4FUN or email us at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. And keep sharing those summer boy pics. Hashtag summer boy on Twitter. Iorg. And keep sharing those summer boy pics. Hashtag summer boy on Twitter. I've seen a lot of nice summer boy pics. And what's nice about it is you get like in a given group of 10 summer hashtag summer boy pics, you'll have like eight Jordan Jesse Go fans and two international fans of Lady Gaga. So just like two gay dudes from Singapore.

Yeah. You know what I mean? That are talking about the Lady Gaga song. It's great. But they don't even know that they're also Jordan, Jesse Goh, Summer Boys. I know. They're right up in there. Yeah. They're perfect. Perfect candidates. Dude, if you're a gay dude from Singapore right now, you have a fast track to becoming a king

of Summer Boy. You could unseat that Atlanta guy pretty quick. Just call it and tell us about what kind of Summer Boy shit you've been up to. Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, that is... Let's get some dumplings involved. Call it double tap. Let's get some dumplings involved in that Summer Boy action. One in the chest, one in the brain. You got it. Boom, boom. Pow, pow, pow!

Buck, buck, buck! Lick a shot for the Summer Boys up in Singapore listening to Lady Gaga eating dumplings. Yeah, sounds great. We should all go to Singapore. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, It's an action sci-fi movie podcast you can find on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. And what do we do?

News reviews and things you can use. Tons of things you can use. We break it down so it can forever be broken. Hilarious jokes. Plus, sometimes there's a dog in the studio. Sometimes there's a dog here. We'll see you in your earbuds. It's Jordan, Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart

Jordan Morse, Boy Detective I'm Alison Becker, wearing a romper What a joy it's been to have you and your romper on this program, Alison Thank you This has been a romp, an audio romp Like we've been sitting down, but I feel like spiritually we've been bounding through a field of tulips or something.

Hence the romper, guys. We get to see Allison, so for us it's an audio-visual romp. Sure. We get to enjoy both the fact that she's wearing a romper, which is fun for the eyes. And her delightful tones. Which is fun for the ears. Well, for the rest of you, just picture me in a romper.

Yeah. Yeah. It's blue. It is. It's a nice romper. Sure. It's got a V up at the top like an old-timey sweatshirt. Yeah, and a zipper down the back.

There you go. Okay, so that's all the details you need from here on out. You're all covered. We'll see you at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and in Portland, Oregon, America. Go to MaximumFun.org for information on that. Allison, folks should probably follow you on Twitter, right? Yeah, I'm on Twitter and Instagram at TheAllisonBecker.

TheAllisonBecker, not a Allison Becker. No. I was thinking about doing an Allison Becker and then I realized that spelled anal up top. My hashtag, my Twitter name for a while was anal laptop. Which was kind of confusing in and of itself. And of course, you can probably, if you get TV land, you can watch reruns of Becker.

Yes, exactly. I play Ted Danson. You were great as Ted Danson. Thank you. You spent six hours in prosthetics every day. Yeah, every day, Jordan. Every day. It's hard. Yeah.

Hard to be dancing. Julian Burrell on the boards this week. Thank you to Julian. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, all the way in London, England right now working on television programs. Briefly, you were here

for this, Jordan. Our producer, Brian, he's been working as like a writer's assistant on television shows for a long time. Great. He recently got promoted to staff writer on a television show. And he's still cutting this bullshit for you. So thank him, listener. So here's the thing. He comes to us.

He says, hey, guys, I got a promotion at work. I'm a staff writer now. We're over the moon for him. We're so happy to hear it because it's such a great job and he's such a wonderful guy. And he says, yeah, so, and I'm trying to figure out what's going on. It turns out he was worried that we were going to fire him for having this great job. That's a too good a guy. We're just grateful you're still coming in.

You're making a union show business wage. You could hang around on weekends with your fiance. Yeah. And plan your wedding. Yeah. God bless him. Brian Fernandez. Here for you.

He's great. Anybody that complains about his laugh, I'll just stick him. Yeah. Fuck you guys. Maximum fun. He's showing up. He doesn't have to. Maximum fun.

Maybe he did before. Look, Julian doesn't have anything better to do. No. Julian's lucky to work three days a week in public radio. This guy's not a staff writer on a union television program. Julian's glad to be here. He's got to buy undershirts to wear under his T-shirt. I saw he was wearing earlier because it's summer action.

Gotta soak up that sweat. Yeah. You gotta. Julian's looking kind of broad-shouldered lately. I bet he's doing a lot of upper body. I bet he has a lot of those surprise muscles we were referencing earlier. I bet he does.

What's that? From surfing? Probably got some kettlebell kind of cross-fitting back muscle. Guys from San Diego, that's like the official thing to have of San Diego is a surprise muscle. Just because they're doing weird, like they're doing kite surfing or something. Even San Diego's public radio dorks have surprise muscles. Julian Burrell, grateful to have him here.

Maximumfun.reddit.com is the Reddit. Facebook, just search for Jordan Jesse Go. Get up in there, like that. Join the Maximum Fun group on Facebook. Play that summer boy game. Yeah, play that summer boy game. That sounds fun. That's going to be a blast.

You're going to have a real good time shooting tank tops onto staid business folk. Yeah. Okay, that's it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.