Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 385: Live at the UCB with John Ross Bowie and Jamie Denbo

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

John Ross Bowie and Jamie Denbo join Jordan and Jesse Live at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles for a discussion of seeing high school plays while high, old timey baseball teams, and euphemistic waterslide names.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. It's Jesse from the home studio in Los Angeles. This week's Jordan, Jesse, go was recorded live at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater Franklin here in L.A. Before we get to the show, I want to let you know two things. First of all, I'll be doing my talk, Make Your Thing in LA at the Annenberg Center for Photography on July 19th. You can find ticket information and more at MaximumFun.org. And a reminder, buy your tickets now for Jordan, Jesse Go and Throwing Shade in September in Portland, Oregon. September 12th at the Hollywood Theater.

You can find that ticket link online at MaximumFun.org. With both of us on the bill, I'm sure it'll sell out soon, so grab your tickets now. Now, let's get to the stage of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Los Angeles. Has that chair always had... Has that door always had a chair right in front of it? Yes. It has. Oh, well, in that case, I intended to open the show with that humorous pratfall.

That's a good thing when you're doing an audio podcast. A lot of physical humor. A lot of pratfalls. I've been working up some Comedia dell'Arte shit. Oh, yeah? You've got to see my Ildotore. Yeah, right? Such an emboldened doctor.

He is. Actually, before we came on, the stage manager, Marlena, came back and said, Are you guys ready to go? And we said yes. And she says, there are a lot of Star Wars shirts in the audience. Which doesn't strike me as like a particularly notable thing at an Upright Citizens Brigade theater show. But yeah, I mean, give yourselves a hand for being the most Star Wars shirted audience they've had. Like probably a more significant thing.

Oh, there's a woman in the front row holding 20 balloons. That is also going on. We got David Lynch to direct this episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! So there's going to just be some weird, surreal stuff that you'll have to unpack later. Wow. Hey, oh, Jordan.

Yes. Before we get started with the real content of the show, I wanted to convey you the regards of my Lyft driver from earlier today. Oh, please. Look, I'm a pretty major celebrity, so I get recognized by Lyft drivers all the time. And today was no exception. But he asked after you. I had a great conversation with him. He said, you know, he would say,

we were talking about, you know, what do you do for a living type things. And I said, oh, you know, I have a podcast network. And he said, oh, it's probably an Earwolf podcast. Oh, what? Oh, no, no, Bill. We love them. We love them.

And I said, no, no, actually, I own a network called MaximumFun.org. And he said, you're not Jesse Thorne, are you? And I'm like, number one, this is the first time anyone has ever had that reaction. And then you look in the rearview mirror, and he's got his pants down, and he is cranking it. He is cranking one out. And then he stopped when he learned that you didn't have an Earwolf podcast. I said,

yeah, I am. I actually am Jesse Thorne. It's nice of you to say something. I wouldn't expect to be recognized. Do you mind if I crank it alongside you, good sir? He said to me, well, it's been years since I've listened to any of your shows, and I guess I didn't

expect the beard. Thanks, big guy. Just the kind of ego boost I needed going into this. Yeah, I always like hearing, oh, I used to listen to your shows. Then Paul F. Tompkins came out with too many podcasts. He really likes WTF, though. Sure. So, anyway, he asked how the boy detective was doing.TF, though. Sure. So, anyway,

he asked how the boy detective was doing. That's you. Yeah. I still might have a giant weird beard. Hey, Jesse, I thought, since we're performing at the world-famous UCB Theater... This is the 10th anniversary of the Los Angeles UCB Theater. Sure. Yeah, this very night.

They're like, what can we get? We can get ASCAP, maybe we could get, I don't know, this very night. Yeah. They're like, what can we get? We can get Ascat. Maybe we could get, I don't know, Mr. Show Reunion. Let's get half of that sketch comedy group, Prank the Dean, that did three shows here one time. I thought, since they are normally famous for improv and sketch comedy, that maybe we could bring a little bit of that tonight just so in case people are just here maybe who don't know the show

they can get eased into the show a little bit with what I like to call improvised sketch comedy improv or sketch this is a hybrid of the two because what I've done I have written a sketch I follow you so far.

That you, Jesse, have not seen. Correct. So your end of it, your reaction will be genuine. It'll be improvised. But the sketch has been meticulously written by me. Now, what about this card that you gave me with a line written on it? That's your line. That's your line.

So you say it's a two-line sketch. And how do the balloons work into this? Oh, I don't know. I think this is just an insane person. This has nothing to do with it. This is just someone who brought a bunch of balloons. So yeah, are you ready? I'll just... Okay, so I've not looked at this. No. I just put it right in my pocket. You told me not to look at it.

So yeah, this is just a cold read, improvised sketch. Do I have the first line or the second? You have the first line. This is a very well done sketch, by the way. I just want you to know it's very good. Do I read this part? That's just your name. Don't read Jesse. That means that I'm supposed to read the rest of it.

Yeah. Everything that's not Jesse. Guys, I'm a professional. Now, I'm just a small dish of baked dough, cheese, and tomato sauce, but I think you should reconnect with your dad.

Whoa. That's a little personal, pan pizza. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. I'm just going to do a laugh. No, no, don't keep clapping. Don't continue to clap. Don't let him

shake your hand. Don't let him shake your hand, everyone. That was awful. That was literally my worst nightmare. That something like that would happen is a nightmare that I've been having

continuously since middle school. Ten years of comedy, everybody! Combining improvisation and sketch. Yeah. My authentic reaction It's one amazing joke. to that pile of garbage.

We have some announcements. Oh, yeah, we do have some announcements before we start. Speaking of Star Wars t-shirts, I don't know if you guys know this. San Diego Comic-Con is coming up. This is an annual event in San Diego.

You know. It's like different guys in shorts and whatever. Yeah. whatever. Yeah. And I think it's, you know, it's a little silly that everybody,

you know, goes down to San Diego and lines up to see... We've been there, actually. We have been there. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, we had actually

kind of a bad experience. I know people who listen to the show regularly might know that we actually got booted off a stage. This is real. We got booted off a stage

at Comic-Con. I think it was two years ago. And yelled at by a woman we'd never seen before in our entire lives. Oh, that was Princess Leia. This is real. We got booted off a stage at Comic-Con, I think it was two years ago. And yelled at by a woman we'd never seen before in our entire lives. Oh, that was Princess Leia. Princess Leia cosplaying as the head of worldwide marketing for Warner Brothers.

Yeah. And I think it was because of this segment that we're about to do. I mean, some of you might be leaving here to get on the train to San Diego. Maybe some people listening are just coming back from Comic-Con. And this is, I think, the segment that got us booted off the stage last time.

It's called Comic-Con Facts. And it's just facts. I mean, it's crazy. It's just facts. It's weird because it's just – It's real facts. Yeah. All of these facts are real.

I think here's the one where they cut the mics on us. And this is a good example. I mean, you guys will see how silly it was and what an overreaction this was on her part. Because this might as well just be a press release for Comic-Con. These are facts from Comic-Con and they literally cut out our microphones and then a woman we'd never seen before

in our lives yelled at us. I think this is the one. You are allowed to perform cunnilingus on a steampunk woman. Just don't get your tongue stuck in the gears. And that's just fact it's a fact it's a comic-con fact an opinion it's not editorializing it's just a fact so here for you and you know anybody else who might be on the way later here are some comic-con facts so here's one i this actually came to me i read an informational pamphlet uh from the tourism board of norway i love those pamphlets they make informational pamphlet from the Tourism Board of Norway. I love those pamphlets.

They make wonderful pamphlets, by the way. During Comic-Con, Hall H at the San Diego Convention Center legally becomes the world's largest sauna. It's a fart power, if I'm not mistaken. Yes, you just ladle a few farts on the hot stones. Here's a fun fact. It's kind of a tip, too. If you see Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin,

stay back and be sure not to stand between him and his cub. I mean, if he starts... Here's the thing. If he starts to charge at you, open your coat and make yourself look large. That's a good tip so he doesn't maul you. This year's Comic-Con is actually out of

continuity. It's actually a what-if Comic-Con, which supposes that the Nazis had won World War II. And at Marvel's ultimate Comic-Con, Neil Gaiman is a mixed-race teenager named Miles Morales. Comic book humor.

You know, most of the year, and I'm sure you guys know this was just the Fourth of July, a lot of you took civics class, the Constitution says that the second in line for the presidency is the vice president. Currently, of course, Joe Biden. But if Obama is unable to perform his duties during Comic-Con, a weird Al Yankovic becomes the president. Thank God that the founding fathers anticipated that Joe Biden would want to get to Comic-Con early

to get those exclusive Pokemon cards. Biden loves his Squirtle. And we've been, this is actually just a kind of awarding. Squirtle is a Pokemon exclusive? Yeah, you can't just. It's like the number two Pokemon, isn't it? He's wrapped in foil. Number one is the little yellow one, and number two is Squirtle.

Yeah, well, it's just a fucking joke. Number three's Dumbledore or whatever. Yeah, sure. And this is actually a warning. We have been hearing reports that there's a man going around the con telling people he's Nicolas Cage and inviting them back to his hotel room. If you run into this man, do not go with him. He is Nicolas Cage.

Comic-Con facts. Fun facts about Comic-Con. Thank you, backstage, for applauding. It'd be cool if you applauded at the end of the segment. You don't have to. Some of you are holding balloons and can't. I understand. You could release them to the heavens.

Oh, that would be fun. As a symbol of peace or whatever. Well, if they threw rice, pigeons would eat it and die. Yeah, no, that's a good plan. It makes sense. Hey, we've actually got some guests today on the show, don't we? We do have guests on the show, don't we? We do have guests on the show.

They are one of America's funniest comic couples. You know them from film, television, and the stage right here at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Please welcome John Ross Bowie and Jamie Denbo. Woo! Hi Jamie Hi John, Ross, Bowie I thought you were absolutely kidding about balloons Nope, and now one of them is flashing lights One of them is an electric balloon Man, aren't you guys bummed you didn't take shrooms before this?

Yeah, it was ever thus. You got a shroom before you podcast, guys. How's it going, gang? Is it your birthday? No. That's a crazy question. Should we continue guessing occasions? It's your birthday?

It's your companion's birthday? Is the present that she gets to walk around the building? It's someone's birthday. It's someone's birthday. I like how cryptic this is. Is it Christmas? Is it Jesus Christ's birthday? Is this going to lead to me being shanked in the alley? Happy birthday.

Wow. Seriously, Jordan, you really should get back in touch with your father. Hey, that's a little personal Pan pizza I was with it I was with it every step of the way I loved that joke That was me applauding from backstage

Don't take another curtain call For that horrible joke They're probably going to want an encore at the end They're going to stay here This isn't a Bruce Springsteen concert Jordan Oh I do that joke for three hours that horrible joke. They're probably going to want an encore at the end. They're going to stay here. This isn't a Bruce Springsteen concert, Jordan. Oh, I do that joke for three hours. Two sets, an encore.

There's a teleprompter down here to help you out. Springsteen uses a teleprompter. Look it up. Springsteen uses a teleprompter? There was a New Yorker piece recently. If you get nothing else right from this podcast, you should know that I am a subscriber and reader to the New Yorker. In fact, I'm done here. We're reading New Yorker articles about Bruce Springsteen here, just piling old upon old.

I know, right? Yeah, because I'm worried that I'm a little too relevant. And apparently he, along with a lot of his peers, because he'll take requests from the audience for songs he hasn't done in 20 years or something. And there's some guy, some horrible intern tucked away in some bowel of the stage who's frantically being like, oh, shit, what are the lyrics to Johnny 99 or whatever? It's like a metropolitan opera or something. There's just a guy who's supposed to shout at Bruce Springsteen the lyrics to his own song. Or have them on file so he can put them up on the teleprompter. But, yeah, that's actually a guy who's supposed to shout at Bruce Springsteen the lyrics to his own song. Or have them on file so he can put them up on the teleprompter. But yeah, that's actually a thing.

A fun way to make Bruce Springsteen have a meltdown would be to somehow disable that prompter or kill that guy that types it in. Like a poison dart. This is fun. And then just yell out the names of non-Bruce Springsteen songs. Or just songs that don't exist. Yeah. Like. Unemployed duck.

Beluga Zeppelin. Just watch him have a heart attack. That'd be great. I'd be into that. I'd be pretty into a Led Zeppelin style version of Baby Beluga. Oh, sure. Yeah. That somehow is about hobbits too.

Yeah. Just throw in a few fucking hobbits. So something that people who have listened to this week's episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! will remember is that our guest, Alison Becker, demanded that we guys ask you about a favorite date night of yours, which is apparently having a few drinks and going to see a high school musical. Oh, that's okay. That's actually – I thought we got to clear up a couple of facts. Okay, please high school musical. Oh, that's okay. That's actually... I thought we got to set up a couple of facts. Okay, please.

Is that... No, no, no. What did I get wrong? We get crazy high. Oh! And go see a high school musical. Well, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I misrepresented it. No, if somebody wants to show up drunk to a high school, that's a bummer. By the way, there's probably plenty of drunk adults at a fucking high school

like, oh, you were great up there, kiddo. You were great. And I don't want to contribute to that noise. But, yeah, when we – Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's something we shared early on that was like, this is an awesome idea. Let's get SuperStone.

And then – well, how did it start? Well, it started with – We had just moved to Los Angeles. We had just moved to Los Angeles, and I was a new and – I don't even know if I had my license yet. John, the city kid, couldn't drive before he was 30. That's fun. Yeah, I got my license a month before I turned 31.

And it's not like, oh, but you knew how to drive. Nope, sure didn't. And I'm going to tell you that I grew up in New York City, but that's not an excuse. Oh, hey, what's up, Sarah? How are you? I know you. Hi. Never mind how I know her. You want to go ahead and greet the rest of the crowd?

Nope, just the one I know. We are witnessing the destruction of a marriage right here on stage. You'll like this story. Hold on one second, Chet. Hey, Takora, what's up? Oh, hey. Yeah, I know somebody in the crowd, too. I should hope so.

Oh, hey, can I cut you off? Hey, fire extinguisher. You're there for emergencies only. All right, I'll see you after the show. Yeah, I'm going to fuck you. We had moved to Los Angeles, and we had come into some shrooms. Like a relative shop? You inherit them from an affluent uncle? I have no idea how we came into some shrooms. Like a relative shop?

Inherit them from an affluent uncle? I have no idea how we came into those shrooms. I do. Can I say it? I don't know. I don't know. Did you get them from your mother-in-law? Is that why you're asking for permission?

No. Oh, boy, that would be amazing. What could you imagine my mother-in-law, your mother, having shrooms? That's the only thing that would make her more tolerable. I know. So your mother is like a fish concert. Yeah. What a bass soloist.

If there's any crossover, that would be awesome. But if Ronna and Beverly, she's Beverly. So that's awful. No crossover. Okay, so no gays in the audience. Please continue. I think, by the way, that Fish would be the ideal people to do the Led Zeppelin cover of Baby Bullets. You're absolutely 100% right about that.

What little I know about Fish and Zeppelin, I think you're absolutely right. We came into these shrooms and we needed some place local to do them because we didn't want to drive out to the desert. We didn't want to drive. We were very responsible. Very responsible. And we were living right in Hollywood. We were living right in Hollywood. We were living like a block away from... In the cheapest, biggest apartment that a dumb ex-New Yorker can find.

This is the thing, though, because New Yorkers move to Los Angeles and they just... What? All this space for $800, but it's over a bail bonds place. And you don't think about that. And there's black mold everywhere. But you're just thinking yardage because you've been living in a closet for your whole fucking life. And you move here and you're like, oh my god, there's a terrace. It looks out onto a precinct.

I like that you measure the, that New Yorkers apparently measure the size of apartments in yardage. Yeah. Because they're all in the garment business or something. Yeah. Yeah, sure, in the rag trade, that's how we... No, they're all football players. So we...

I got stabbed on the way to the mailbox, but I can do a cartwheel. Exactly. I can't remember if we made the decision. We were like, what can we do that's in walking distance? And we were... And did we take the shrooms before we asked ourselves that question, or did we... No, no, we planned it out. Oh, we did?

We planned it out. No, we didn't take shrooms and then go, what now? We were like, well, we need to make this an event. What's going on? And we were looking around. I think we were looking through an LA Weekly. And we're like, oh, Hollywood High School is doing Fiddler on the Roof. Fiddler, that's a good one.

It's a classic show, John. So we took a handful of shrooms each and walked to Hollywood High School. And we're also like. Saying to the audience, we're sweating, flop sweating. And we must have looked like child molesters there's no other reason that you're sweating

except except child molesters who started bawling during the wedding so emotional experience

like and I mean also Tevye was this incredible Tevye was amazing he was this gorgeous black kid

who had only watched the movie. You could tell. You could totally tell. He was doing a perfect impression of Topol! So the guy's like, he looked to be like 6'3 or something. He towered over everybody else on stage doing a very credible impression

of a much, much older, shorter Israeli folk singer, Topol, who plays Tevye in the movie because Zero Mostel had died. You know this. You know this too, Takora. Fire extinguisher don't know nothing. Hey, fire extinguisher, I'm going to fuck you later. We're ripping our fucking balls off, and it ends with the pogrom at the wedding, and lights come up for intermission.

The first act ends that way, and we are just incapacitated with emotion. We just can't stop. And then we're like, we have to do this every year. So we didn't get our hands on more shrooms, so I still don't remember. Where did we get them the first time?

Oh, fuck it. The Sklar brothers. Edit it out if you want to. Sklar brothers? Nope, we don't remember. Where did we get them the first time? Oh, fuck it. The Sklar Brothers. Edit it out if you want to. Sklar Brothers? Nope, we don't edit this thing. Hit up Randy and Jason Sklar on Twitter. Ask them to meet you

behind a bowling alley. And then at the end just write Henderson. Very unexpected answer. You don't remember that? No. 100% the Sklar Brothers, yeah. And they were like

careful with these guys. These are the real deal. They were like, okay, Randy and Jason. But no, they were not kidding. We're from New York City. Very much so. Listen, St. Louis, I think I can handle myself. Meanwhile, I'm just like almost taking my pants off and like setting fire to incense sticks in front of the stage.

Model didn't know he was gay. That was the other thing. Remember Model the tailor? No, fair enough, but he was wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles. He was so happy. He was super happy. Rest his soul. And all the girls were amazed.

Did he die? I'm assuming. This was 13 years ago. I think I meant bless his heart, but I said rest his soul. And that's a horrible mistake today. He's probably dead by now. What is he, 30, 31 now?

Life expectancy for the drama major is not long. We went back and then we could only get our hands on weed, I guess, because we stopped hanging out with the Sklars? I don't know. We get busy. I love them. Who has the time? Sklars got a TV show. They stopped being drug dealers.

That was during Cheap Seats. It was during Cheap Seats. That's right. So they didn't have, they didn't need to sell us shrooms. Did they sell the toys? No, I don't think they did.

I think it was a Welcome to Los Angeles gift and we used it to go to Hollywood High, which I might add is a performing arts magnet. So those kids are good. No, not all of them are good.

The girls are good. The girls are good. The boys are a mess. So I want to get an opinion from you. If this was something that I wanted to do, what popularly performed high school play is the best to go see while fucked up? Fucked. That's a really good question.

You know, Fiddler is done constantly and you will get a good cry in because it's a very emotionally wrought show. We saw, oh, you know, we saw the Who's Tommy

that way. We saw them do Tommy. Oh, yeah. That's probably good. That was a good ride. It was pretty great. Yeah. And it was super like

the guy was indicating a bunch. So he was like, come on the amazing journey and learn all you should know. A lot of that, you know. John was pointing, like really gesticulating.

There was a lot of gesturing. He pointed at his head to suggest knowing. Yes. That's what that young man did. Oh, and then the really uncomfortable one that we were actually

a little too high for was Taurus Line because... I don't even remember that one. That was when we took a couple friends who were like, you're going to love this. We're going to go get super high. We're going to check. Come with us. Come on our journey.

Yeah, exactly. A journey through the world of show business. You probably sent a flower back at some point. I probably did. It's the same thing you can do during high school musicals is send a flower to someone backstage. I'm pretty sure I did, which is so fucking creepy. No, I bet what you did was, I bet you sent a flower back to Morales because you would play Morales at camp. No, I think I did it to Zach, the one who does the director.

The director, yeah. Because I was just like, he's not going to get any love. And I was like, what? What? Amazing. You just sent a flower back in the car and says, it's me, that guy from Big Bang Theory. And you look out in the audience and you're waving. Hey! What? No, no, audience and you're waving. Hey!

What? No, no, no, you're thinking of Kevin Sussman. Thank you. So we went to see Chorus Line, but they edited nothing from Chorus Line. Anyone know Chorus Line? Show of hands. This is smattering, right?

What do you not want to see a 16-year-old girl sing? Tits and ass. That's right. That's just smattering, right? What do you not want to see a 16-year-old girl sing? Tits and ass. That's right. That's right. But to me, I was always like, I want to definitely want to see this. Now, I... I love being uncomfortable.

Now, my high school did not do chorus line, but I think I went to see a rival high school's chorus line. That's why we had rival drama departments. That's true. And I think they changed tits and ass to this and that. Which seems pretty easy. This and that. Got the bingo bongos done.

We're saving ourselves for marriage. Alright, you changed it too much. I feel like the problem with changing it to this and that is if you change it to this and that, one of them means pussy, right? It could mean whatever you imagine it to this and that is if you change it to this and that, one of them means pussy, right? It could mean whatever you imagine it to mean.

Pussy. Pretty much exclusively pussy. Jamie, it's not a bunch of high school dudes. For some fellas, it's feet and armpits. It's lots of interpretation. Whatever you're into. You can't go wrong with a West Side Story situation because Oh, we saw a college

West Side Story though. And then they did some real women's studies interpretation there which didn't need to be done. West Side Story situation because... Oh, we saw a college West Side Story, though. And then they did some real women's studies interpretation there, which didn't need to be done. Like they gender reversed the casting or something? No, they had Maria, like,

at the end, like, cover herself with her own blood and shoot herself in the head. It was... Yeah, there was a suggestion that Maria kills herself at the end of West Side. Well, the big...

Which I was not a fan of. The fun... That's what Vig is. The fun question mark thing about West Side Story is that they're never going to get the authentic Puerto Rican cast and the authentic white cast,

or white Italian cast, so it's going to be a mixed bag in high school. And that's kind of fun to watch. That's officially uncomfortable. It's like trying to imagine, you know, like in a colorblind world, what the race wars will look like. And then there's going to be a whole, like, you know, PC debate because that's why we don't play colleges anymore.

Just kidding. Yeah, we were actually asked to do this at UCLA and we wouldn't do it. We wouldn't do it to PC. They would have booed us off the stage when I made that pizza joke. Pizzas have food. It's just a joke. But that's the whole thing. So, you know, it would stage when I made that pizza joke. Pizza's a bad feeling. It's just a joke. But that's the whole thing. So it would be interesting to see that, actually.

Yeah. A high school. But my dream, and I've never seen it, although there are some on YouTube that I've actually gone and looked at. My dream is I want to see a high school Sweeney Todd before I die. That's your dream? That's it. That's it. What drug would you like to be on?

Ecstasy? Ooh. Ah.'s it. That's it. What drug would you like to be on? Ecstasy? Ooh. Oh, ecstasy plus, yeah, I want that more than I want the fulfillment of my children. John Ross Bowie, I went to an arts high school. Yeah? Did you do Sweeney Todd? We did not do Sweeney Todd. We came about a hair's width from doing Company.

Really? Bravo. Nice. Nothing like a sophisticated adult relationship thing to do with 17-year-olds. You know, it's funny. The first time I saw company I was in,

and company is from 1971, it's Sondheim's first, like, this is me, this is my voice, and it's about this guy who can't commit to relationships at the age of 35, which seems rather quaint now,

doesn't it? But I saw... I related to that because I was just fucking my way through the high school at the time. Okay, well, there you have it. So that's why I was kind of behind it, yeah. Me too.

Mm-hmm. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. I loved getting so laid before I got married. It's true, she did. The, um... I was real good at GoldenEye. Like, I didn't even have to cheat and use Oddjob. Wow!

I could be... You could use Oddjob on GoldenEye? Oddjob was like a thing? Yeah, he had an advantage, too. That's hilarious. You had to unlock racist mode. You could unlock racist characters throughout cinema. I was going to say, that's phenomenal.

You could just go to You Only Live Twice and just do all of those horrible Japanese stereotypes. You can do Mickey Rooney from Breakfast at Tiffany's. Nice. Phenomenal. And then there's a whole Gone with the Wind section. Yeah, right. And that time Charlton Heston was Mexican. Oh, see, see.

You could be that. That's my favorite part. Touch of Evil. When Charlton Heston is playing a Mexican and he answers the phone and goes, see? It's my favorite shit in the world. I have to stop the movie and just walk around and be like, oh,

TCM, I need a moment. Love that. Did you have an N64? Did you ever play Birth of a Nation? It's weird that it's a kart racer. A little kart racist if you ask me. Nice. Boom!

Take a laugh! Take a laugh! Take a laugh! Take a laugh! Brian Morris, ladies and gentlemen. At Midnight, Season 3, coming soon. Glorious. No, I actually didn't. I didn't really have my own video game system

until after I got married you're welcome ladies did your wife give birth to a Sega Genesis yes no it was an Atari Lynx we were hoping do you want to know what system it is you want to be surprised you want to be surprised

we painted for an Xbox I don't want to be surprised. We painted for an Xbox. I don't know. We painted the nursery black and green. I got that, though, because it played DVDs. Yeah, we got a PS3, and I was like, oh, wow, it's a Blu-ray. That's great. I've never really had a video game system. I mean, let me see if I can just dabble into

Yocatu 16 hours later, balls deep in Red Dead Redemption, which was awesome, but remains the only, and then we actually had children, and as much as there are certain historical value to letting them watch me play Assassin's Creed, You can learn a lot. There's a lot of facts.

Architecture and shit, right? But no. How to effectively shank the Pope. You never know when, as a kid. Well, the problem with the public schools is they don't teach Pope shanking anymore. Because of all these PC fascists. Am I right? I'm gonna home shank my Popes.

Home shank. So, you're saying you have cut down significantly on video game playing because of you don't want them to pick up. Nope. I think he just, that's not true. Whenever I say, I'm going to go out for dinner with my friends

you say ah Johnny's going to put me to get high and play some fucking Grand Theft Auto like that's what the

well a couple things you turn into a juggalo I do I do I become instantly down with a clown

the second I have John's going you're buried in the ground yes John's going to throw beer bottles I become instantly down with the clown the second I have. You're buried in the ground? Yes. John's going to throw beer bottles at Tila Tequila. That's me. That's what happens. No.

Well, a couple of things. One. It relaxes you. It does relax me a little bit. The naked and afraid relaxes me. Exactly. But also, two. And it used to be locked up abroad.

By the way, every episode is the same. Every episode. What is the to be locked up abroad. By the way, every episode is the same. Every episode. What is the moral of locked up abroad? There ain't no free thing at $5,000. Yeah. There's no such thing as an easy five grand. Great. Forget it. Turn it down.

Great. No, I'll tell you what happened. The kids... How good information in today's show. Take care of your games because the kids scratch fucking Grand Theft Auto it's unplayable now oh boy

did you leave it in a place where they could scratch it? I left it inside the player which was my bad I should have taken it out and put it back in a shulcase everybody knows that fair enough

but I was like in a place where they could scratch it you mean the family home? do you want them to give off-site backup? I had just learned how to fly a plane. No Grand Theft Auto people here.

You can fly a plane in Grand Theft Auto. I had just learned how to fly a fucking plane. And then those selfish motherfuckers. Sorry I called your children motherfuckers. Those selfish fruits of my loin scratched the fucking disc. John, I feel like you are waiting for the next Grand Theft Auto where there's like a, you know, Into the Woods minigame. I'm always waiting for that.

Well, I like, I mean, the detail and... It's an Easter egg. I love an Easter egg and I don't see why... It's Sondheim related. If we're going to go this far deep in your city... Our internet password in our house is Sondheim 1930 and I didn't set it that way he's straight

no because it's the year he was born oh do you want to retract your gay joke now I don't care this is worth explaining can I tell people how I know you I was on Sarah and I

have pretty frequent sex and Sarah was For the folks listening at home, Sarah is frantically pointing to a wedding ring. You have two families, John? And who is this guy? She's holding hands with a man, and

now they're having intercourse, just to prove at last year's podcast-a-thon, Jimmy Pardo decided that he would auction off an opportunity to go see the soon-to-be-released film of Into the Woods, and it would benefit Smile Train,

which is a charity that he's doing. You're just not talking to your microphones. It's weird to see you here. I'm talking to my microphones. It's fine. And you guys had agreed to go together previously on the show, right? Yeah, Jimmy and I had said

we were going to go to see it no matter what, and we did, and Sarah generously donated to Smile Train, and she came with us to a special screening on the Disney lot of Into the Woods, and we had a good talk afterwards, and so that is how I know this young lady who, can I tell

them what you do? She's a private eye in Orange County. True. That's awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, we are in the room. So when someone's longboard goes missing, you're hot on their trail. When you can't find your ATV, You're hot on their trail.

When you can't find your ATV... I was all myself Tanner. I was in Into the Woods in high school. I was the narrator. You were adorable. That's so awesome. I was great. I bet. I bet you were adorable.

Yeah. You're adorable anyway. You are. You must have been great. So did they do it with you double cast as the mysterious man they did not yeah they did not they did

they just when you're doing high school magic you try and cram in as many kids as possible so that kind of that kind of

symbolism is thrown to the wind for the getting more kids in there not at school of the arts just the creme de la creme oh yeah oh yeah

alright Jesse fine you fucking what did you do? Mother Courage when you were 15? I literally did Mother Courage when I was 15. Take a lap, John. Take a lap.

Take a lap. Stop all the troops. It's Mother Courage. Hey, captains, let them. For the folks at home, John's dick is out. Come on. And he is cranking it. Jesse, Jesse, did you learn any math in high school? It was required that we not learn math We were required to shed math knowledge in high school

You did Brecht in 10th grade, but can you not balance a checkbook? Yeah, exactly Fantastic Jordan, should we talk about Raging Waters? I would like to talk about, I think we're going into a favorite segment here on Jordan and Jessica, where we say something that has a funny name. Yeah. And to lead into that, I wanted to talk about the slides at Raging Waters.

This is a popular water park here in Southern California. It is. Specifically, San Dimas, San Dimas High School Football Rules. And all the rides, all the slides. Can I tell you, Jordan, I think that any time I see the word San Dimas. You think San... San Dimas High School Football Rules. Right.

I cannot... There's no other way to think about it. That cannot be released from my mind. That will be there forever. Somebody make a San Dimas High School Football Rules t-shirt, you will be a fucking bazillionaire. Yeah. The rides all sound like slang for a vagina.

Here are some rides at Raging Water. Jordan said that this is a segment called We Say Funny Names of Things. This is a segment called Jordan Has a Theory. I should say, more

specifically, it's called Jordan Has a Vaginal Theory. Can we make it interesting? Sure. Yeah. Whoever, whatever the best one of these is, Jamie will refer to her own as that for, let's say, a week. Are you okay with this? Yeah.

It seems weird. Great. All right. They know and love each Yeah, that seems weird. Great. All right. They know and love each other, ladies and gentlemen. So just clap for the one you like the best. The one that you think is the best water slide slash slang for a vagina. That will be applied to my wife's jennies for the next seven days. Better than you calling it jennies.

No matter what it is. Okay. Real rides. Dragon's Den. Dark Hole. There's early voters here. Bermuda Triangle. Dr. Von Dark's Tunnel of Terror.

Raging Waters. Do we have a winner? I think we do. Guess where John's not going to be. I'm not going to see Dr. Von Dark this evening, I suppose. No. The doctor is out. Having put you into this, I have suddenly lost my access. Look at that.

Coming in 2016 to Raging Waters, the cum dumpster. Right, the cum dumpster. Okay, guys. Is that the Splash City out near Palm Springs? Soak City. Soak City, I'm sorry. That's another good slang for vagina. Has a ride called Beef Curtains.

This one's just called Gash. Okay, I guess we'll ride it. Ride the Gash. So here's what I want to know. You guys, of course, are one of comedy's greatest power couples. No question. It's going great. But there's one question.

Now that Affleck and Gardner are divorced, yes. They were hilarious. In Daredevil? Yeah. One of the great questions that's on all of our minds, I'm sure all of the audience's minds are, sure, you're great together, but who is better

between the two of you? Me. Shaming. Oh, it's actually jamming. Yeah, shamming. Well, now we can kill some time because we can't... I'm sorry, weren't we supposed

to talk through that a little bit more? Did you want us to get... I wrote a quiz. Oh, all right. Oh, never mind. Now, you would think this would have some sort

of marital theme or whatever, but no. It's my quiz, so it's going to have an old-timey baseball team's theme. The quiz is real old-timey baseball team or some shit we made up.

Okay. All right. I'm going to start with you, Jamie, since you're better. I'm going to give you three old-timey baseball teams. You tell us which one we made up. Okay? Yep. The St. Joseph Clay Eaters.

Again, two of these are real. The St. Joseph Clay Eaters, the Regina Bone Pilers, or the East Fresno Throat Crushers. Okay, real quick. Yeah. Regina Bone Piler. That's what she's going to call her. Sorry about the Dr. Von whatever. Okay, real quick. Yeah. Regina Bonepiler. That's what she's going to call her for the next week. Sorry about the Dr. Von whatever.

That's not, we're not, but Regina Bonepiler is what we're rechristening. Stop talking about Lady Cervix. Okay. I serve only you, Lady Cervix. We offended the guy in the Stormtrooper sweatshirt. What was the St. Joseph one? The St. Joseph Clay Eaters. Yeah, sir. We offended the guy in the Stormtrooper sweatshirt. What was the St. Joseph one? The St. Joseph clay eaters. Yeah, the... St...

The throat crushers are the fake. You made up the throat crushers. You're absolutely right. Ding, ding, ding! Supposed to be a bell. How about that? Because nobody crushes throats in baseball. I ordered a bell on Amazon that was supposed to come yesterday, and it didn't, so... Wait, they don't pile bones, either.

What? Do you understand the game of baseball? But still, I feel like the base, like, you could put a pile of bones. But you're not... She's right. You could put a pile of bones on a base. Makes more sense. That's accurate.

It makes... In the cartoon baseball game in my head, which is how I say baseball... Have you never seen Danzig Live? You can totally put a pile of bones on a base. Okay, John, this one's for you. Which is real. The Hamilton Hams, the San Diego St. Diego's,

or the Worchester Worchesters. I believe it's pronounced the Worcester Worchesters, Jordan. Nah, I call it Worchester. Maybe it's the Worchester Worchesters. Nah, I call it Worchester. Maybe it's the Worcester Worchesters. Oh, yeah. Because they... Maybe.

So, Hamilton Hams. Hamilton Hams. San Diego St. Diego's. Okay. Or Worcester Worcesters. I'm going with my gut. And... Unless...

I want to say... Talk it out. Talk it out. Talk it out. I want to say... Because it's about Talk it out. I want to say. Because it's about their pathology. It's not about me. Right.

But I'm wondering, like, would San Diego, which is not my favorite city, would they be lame enough to be like. What dude is red? Would they be lame enough to just go, oh, we'll just name it the San Diego's. Can I say something? Speaking of that show that we did at Comic-Con where we got kicked off the stage, our friend Scott Simpson in that show, which was forever lost to time, said that San Diego's City Crest

is a flip-flop rampant on a field of volleyballs. Yeah, but even they wouldn't necessarily go with just a literal Spanish to English translation of their name. I'm going with the San Diego's. You're absolutely correct!

Boom. There was a team who couldn't come up with a better name than Worcester Worcesters. I saw Worcester Worcester open for Mr. Mr. at the county fair. I could probably take a lap for that, but I'm not gonna. So cute, the Hamilton

Ham. Okay. I'm a ham! Back to you, Jamie Denbo. It's all tied up. I'm a ham! The Wheeling Hunky-Dories, the Greenboro Glad Men, or J-Y-B-B-C, which stands for Jolly Young

Bachelors Baseball Club of Brooklyn. What? The first one is... Wheeling hunky-dories. All one word. All one word? All smushed together. Wheeling hunky-dories. Yeah. No, it's two words.

But hunky-dories is one word. Of course. It's a compound word. I mean, hunky-dory is one word. Of course. It's a compound word. I mean, hunky-dory technically isn't a noun, so they've really made a mess of things. They? The people of Wheeling. Are you racist towards wheelers? Yeah, you don't like wheelers.

They, those people. I'm racist against those guys from Return to Oz. Are those called wheelies or something? No, I'm racist against them, too. Okay, cool. Wheeling Hunky Dory's. You guys know the guys that I'm talking about, those creepy brass robots? Jesus Christ.

Wheeling Hunky Dory's Greenboro Glad Men or Really Actually Jolly Young Bachelors Baseball Club of Brooklyn? Jolly Young Bachelors Baseball Club of Brooklyn. Well, Greenboro Glad Men sounds like either an – like is there industry glad – glad, like glad bags? Glad bags. And maybe that's why. Oh, sure. Yeah, they are the main – Greenboro where? What?

Greenboro where is a good question. There's no other one. You're going to have to ask some guy from a blog. North Carolina. I can't believe I'm entertaining the fact that the jolly young man date rapist is real. Big jump you made there. Big jump.

Huzzah, fellows! To the date raping! We'll have a bit of fondue at the drugstore. By the way, in old timey days, they just called that a date. I mean, the most innocuous is the gladman, but it's also the dumbest. Like, what's that?

Why would you? All right, I'm going to go with the Greenboro. I feel like it was once the Klansman and they changed it. Greenboro Gladman is correct! I got it right! You didn't know Gladman? I feel like any store in Brooklyn, you could just put the Jolly Young Bachelors Club of blank. That would just be fine.

Okay, guys, this one's for everything. We'll do a buzz in? Yeah, buzz in. Okay. Cincinnati. Hit the table so hard. Understood. I'm going to break the computer.

Yeah. Cincinnati Porkers. Columbia Cummers. Or the Bayshore Backdoor Boys? Ring in. Did your 12-year-old write this? God, I wish I had a 12-year-old to write my jokes for me. If anyone knows a 12-year-old who wants an internship.

I sure know a lot more Pokemons than I do. John. John Ross Bowie. I'm going with Bayshore Backdoor Man. The correct answer was Oswego Sweegs. I just wanted to read Oswego Sweegs. I mean, obviously, Bayshore Texas Backdoor Boys is the made-up one. It is? It is pretty amazing that Cincinnati Porkers was a real name.

Go back to the Cummers for a minute. You know, like, they're coming. They're coming. They're coming for you. That's not a word. That's not a word. First they came for the homosexuals, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

The main jizz monsters. That Holocaust poem. Okay, when something momentous happens to you, our listener, we ask you to call us or step up to this microphone. What do we got? We got Carrie here? Yeah. Carrie, come on up. Wait a minute.

This is Carrie Poppy from Oh No Ross and Carrie, the hit podcast. Oh boy. Just here to buzz market your own podcast. So I made up some shit. No, this is true. I'm surprised it got chosen, but it's true. What's your momentous occasion? I took my dog to the vet yesterday,

and they said that it is time for her to eat senior dog food. Senior dog food? Congratulations. What did you just take your dog to Sizzler? Didn't let it just fucking go nuts in the salad bar? Yeah, so it's only like $12 instead of $15. Nice. Sizzler is like way overpriced.

Yes. What? It's rare that you get this political, but I'm with you on that. Yeah, taking a stance. What are you dropping at a Sizzler? It's like $15 or something to go in there. Same with soup plantation.

It's like, that's like an expensive date. Sizzler, all Sizzler makes me think of, oh, it's dad's weekend. That's honestly, I'm just full of divorced dads. That is what Sizzler

makes me think of. Harry Poppy and her elderly dog, ladies and gentlemen. Aw. Nice. But I think, like, what you... Sunrise, sunset, now. Where's Jimmy?

Where's Jimmy in the audience? Jimmy, come on up. Jimmy. Come on up, you chubby. Come on up, Jimmy. Jimmy, what's your momentous occasion? It's about my... Yeah, it's the one you wrote on this fucking card, Jimmy!

Jesus Christ! Go sit down, Jimmy! No, I bet it's good. That caught some serious air. Folks listening at home, Jesse flung a note card like a shuriken. Your new host, Ricky Jay. I actually called this in halfway a couple weeks ago,

but I felt the validity would be challenged. But because of your encouraging words about its-its. Oh, yeah, the real San Francisco treat. I bought a box and ate one and shared it with my cat. You shouldn't feed cats its-its. Is your cat now dead from ice cream poisoning? I hate to tell you this, Jimmy, but I think your cat needs senior it's-its now. That makes sense.

Jimmy, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, wait, can I ask you, so this is an ice cream thing. Did you, did he, like, take bites of it, or did he just, like, lick the ice cream? He licked it. He lapped it. For folks at home, Jimmy did

what in most contexts would be considered an offensive gesture, but meant lap. Oh, I didn't find that offensive. It implies that he's getting a blowjob. Can you do it here? Look at his cat. He's making his cat suck.

I bet that rough tongue would feel pretty good. That's not the universal symbol for lapping. What is the universal symbol for lapping? You actually licking. You licking there. Okay, let's all close our eyes and do what we think the universal symbol for lapping? You actually licking. You licking there. Okay, let's all close our eyes and do what we think the universal symbol for lapping is. And then we'll see who gets it. Okay, everybody on three, do the universal symbol for lapping.

Only Jordan is doing so much. Thanks a lot. And it looks like you were lingering a goat. David, where's David? Where's David S.? David S., come on up, please. Come on up. Yeah, you.

This guy came to a different show of ours wearing this same ridiculous outfit. Let's describe. David is wearing red jeans. Are those jeans or dickies? He is wearing an outfit so ridiculous that I remember it from a different show that was literally like 18 months ago. So red, are those jeans or dickies? I'll tell you this about this guy. This guy lives in like Wisconsin or some shit and he's a professional PBS yoga host with his wife.

That's how much I remember just because he dresses like this all the time. Guys, guys, guys, he is wearing an American flag t-shirt. Why do you hate the flag? Yeah, I don't think the flag is ridiculous. I love it. And veterans. I think we should have a constitutional amendment to burn the flag.

Wait, no, hang on. Starting with your shirt, David Astner. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne from NPR. So wait, I also remember you. You're a memorable fellow. Didn't you do some sort of weird backflip the last time you were here? Really close.

I did a handstand into the chair. My wife didn't believe me, but then she listened to the podcast, and she was very excited about that. She didn't think you could do it? I believed in you. She was like, oh, I'm going to have to try this. She sounds like kind of a bitch. I feel like you're confident enough

for me to say this, but in Sixteen Candles, when the dad is describing Long Duck Dong, and he's like, and red shoes. No, he's not retarded. That's what he was wearing. But it's cute, because you're cute. Oh, thank you.

So what's your momentous occasion? Momentous occasion, I had to... You've been wearing the same shirt for a year? Yeah. Congratulations. Well, the opportunity arises to become a permanent summer boy and move to Southern California. So I transferred jobs. Oh, wow.

So now you coming to see our podcast isn't a five-day affair. You just cruise down. But I've literally only been here like a week. Are you going to teach yoga here? Huh? My wife will, I'm sure. Are you a yoga person, though?

You are. I'm not a yoga person. Well, didn't you do a handstand? Yeah, I do yoga. You got a yoga wife. You got to do yoga, right? You got a yoga wife? Yeah, to do yoga. Right? You got a yoga wife? Yeah, Los Angeles City Council recently passed that resolution.

If you have a yoga wife, you have to do yoga. Ladies and gentlemen, a yoga husband. Okay, where is Kat? Where is Kat? This is Kat. Kat, come up. Come up, Kat. Kat.

Come up. Kat who ate the ice cream earlier. Wouldn't that be funny? Are you gone? This is such a good momentous occasion. I feel like, cat? We would be doing a... Cat.

Did you bail? Are you in the bathroom? Okay, who's going to portray cat? So someone come up. Takora is going to play cat. Takora had a pretty solid momentous occasion, which is that she's once sold Steve Wozniak some guitar strings. Yeah.

That's pretty good. So tell us about that fake one, and then we'll... Oh, yeah, that fake one? No, I'm sorry. Tell us your real one, and then we'll do the fake one. I'm sorry. In the late 90s... Lean into that mic, too.

In the late 90s, I worked at Tower Records, and that was the coolest job to have in San Jose. FYI. Yeah. And well, second to the Bay Area Discovery Museum. Oh, God. I worked at Discovery Zone, though, and that was close. That's funny.

I've been going DZ all night. Thank you. That's a party drug, DZ, that Jesse took a tab of before the show. It's just kicking in right now. I'm about to discover what I can do on my own. You should have only taken half that, DC. Those are strong. And, yeah, so I was, you know, this guy, very distinctive-looking person walked up to me,

and I pretended not to freak out because I knew it was Steve Wozniak. I mean, everybody knows what Steve Wozniak looks like. What did he look like, sort of Wozniak-y? Yeah, kind of Woz-y. Like the type of dude who would use his billions of dollars to start a Segway polo league? Did he in fact do that? Yes. That's amazing.

And so I was just like, how can I help you? And he picked out the cheapest guitar strings that were on the counter. Like the really, I can't remember what brand they were. Number one, he went to Tower Records for his guitar strings. Yeah, and then he just picked up the cheapest guitar strings. What are we talking about?

Steel? Nylon? Segway? Ernie Ball's pretty cheap. Yeah, it was like Ernie Ball. That's when you're like, I play at guitar. Maybe that's all he does. Maybe that's all he does and he has nothing to prove I mean he's doing okay

he's touring with the Grateful Dead did you say he's doing okay? no but that's hey he really chewed out on those guitar strings sweet solo Jew not everything is about that

Jamie relax take the night off here's the momentous occasion that unfortunately we would like you to read this

I just read this your name is Kat you got one more chance this is your chance to be on a podcast and say something Kat don't be embarrassed

because there's no judgment of this I think this is fucking rad we're gonna celebrate the shit judgment of this I think this is fucking rad we're going to celebrate the shit out of this in a second

oh boy you can do it we should explain Decor is a school teacher there's a little context for what's about to happen kids can't listen to podcasts

Decor this has no reflection on you you are just reading a line you are not Kat after months of working on it I was finally able

to urinate in my boyfriend's mouth. Happy face. Happy face. Now that we've had such a warm reception, Kat, are you here? So Takura, boyfriend, also had a warm reception. Takura, we've been Jordan and Jesse Go! Goodbye, everyone!

Good night! Good night!