Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 386: Advanced Metrics

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

Jordan and Jesse go guestless this week and talk about a sexual fitness tracker, Jesse's realized dream of getting a stipple portrait of himself, and Jordan's new career as an everyday guy who does outrageous things.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the Stipple King. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh my gosh, I don't know what Stipple is. Right up top, Jordan. New nickname, threw it in, right up top. Wow, well, do you care to explain or do you just want to leave it a mystery? Well, Jordan, you may recall from Jordan Jessico many years ago that one of my goals in life was to be rendered in a stipple portrait.

I don't remember this or know what any of that is. Okay. So, Jordan. So, please explain. You read the Wall Street Journal, right? Every day. Exactly. You got to check on your stocks and bonds.

Sure. Well, I'm having my morning milkshake. Oh, you have a milkshake every morning. Oh, yeah. Your lifestyle is revealing itself to me like a blooming lotus flower. Sure. You have your milkshake. Right.

Pour it in the glass, but you keep the can because there's a little extra. Oh, okay. flower. Sure. You know, you have your milkshake. Right. Pour it in the glass. But, you know, you keep the can because there's a little extra. Oh, okay, okay, okay. We're talking about like a Tommy Lasorda Slim Fast shake. I mean, I guess. Yeah, two shakes a day plus a sensible dinner. I mean, I don't like to pay those Slim Fast prices. Oh. So I just have one made of ice cream and milk. Can I tell you that once at the Columbia Park Boys Club, where I used to go after school because I was a latchkey kid, there was a costume contest.

I was dressed as a guy with a shark biting off his head, built a shark out of foam rubber and chicken wire. Okay. Put on like a Hawaiian, you know, Hawaiian tourist outfit. It's craftier than I would expect from you. and chicken wire. Okay. Put on like a Hawaiian, you know, Hawaiian tourist outfit. It's craftier than I would, I would expect from you. I guess I don't, I guess I wouldn't have guessed you were a crafty kid.

I had some help. Okay. I'm not particularly crafty. I have the vision. Okay. I had some help realizing. Okay. I went to this costume contest.

Sure. And we'll get back to the Stipple King in a second. Sure. I went to this costume contest. I finished second place. You know who won?

Hmm. A fucking kid wearing his dad's cop uniform. Was it comically big for him? No, just slightly ill-fitting. Huh. Somewhat ill-fitting. Like he wasn't like, you know, the sleeves weren't dragging on the ground. No, it wasn't hilarious in any way.

The people were just impressed that he looked like a real cop. Yeah. That's got to be a big kid. Yeah, and it's also illegal. Yeah, he's impersonating a policeman. Yeah. To win a TGI Friday's gift certificate, to be fair. I'm just guessing at what the prize was.

Look, the prize for everything at the boys club was Giants tickets. Okay. Now, that is the thing that I want most in the entire world when I'm 10 years old. Yeah. Maybe I was 11 by this. 10 or 11. He's 10 and he fit in his dad's cop outfit? Well, I mean, you know, like the legs are rolled or whatever.

But my point is that it was not – the reason he won wasn't because it was absurd. Sure. And, you know, and adorable because it was so out of scale. Were they just, like, afraid because the gun was attached? Yeah. They're like, oh, man, if this kid doesn't win these Giants tickets. Trust me, at the Columbia Park Boys Club, there were a few other kids with guns. Yeah.

Not as part of the costume contest. Yeah, exactly. Just a few dudes with guns. Just playing bumper pool. So I was pretty steamed about that. I thought that was a real bullshit. No, I get it. Yeah.

I think you were probably robbed. Because what I really wanted to win was those Giants tickets. What I did win was four cases of carnation instant breakfast. What a weird prize. And one case of diet slice. Weird. I mean, that was clearly just something they had laying around. Was this like a cleaning out?

Where did they even get carnation instant breakfast? It seems like such a weird, like, let's give him these four cases and then this one unrelated case. It seems like just give you the one, right? Right. And not confuse you. One theme. Keep it on one theme. Yeah, yeah.

That is such a, like. Those must have been a pain in the ass to lug home, right? Absolutely. And I only lived a block and a half from the Columbia Park Boys Club. But like it really is. There is this certain kind of food and drink that comes with an urban children's activity that involves this like – like I think the real classic is that red drink that comes in a gallon milk jug. Sure. That just says like drink on the outside.

Yeah, fruit drink. They'll just serve the shit out of that. Because they cannot legally say juice. Yeah, exactly. Well, there's no juice involved. Because they cannot legally say juice. Yeah, exactly. Well, there's no juice involved.

Sure. Yeah, so that's the story of the time that I ate Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast every day for three weeks. Red sweet water. And then for a week you only drank Diet Slice for breakfast. But I didn't know that a milkshake like that was part of your lifestyle. Yeah, you know, I'm trying to bulk up. Oh, really? Yeah. Are you doing, what are you doing, crunches?

No, I mean, this is just milkshakes while I read the Wall Street Journal. Oh, really? Yeah. Are you doing – what are you doing, crunches? No, I mean this is just milkshakes while I read the Wall Street Journal. Oh, okay. So you're just trying to – when you say you're trying to bulk up, you don't mean you're trying to build muscle. Oh, no, no, no. I'm just trying to get fatter. Right. Yeah. Like a sumo wrestler for a big match.

Mm-hmm. Or like a guy trying to move up a weight class in boxing at the last minute. Exactly. Thank you. So you can claim a big purse. Mm-hmm. Claim a large purse. Yeah. Thank you. So he can claim a big purse, claim a large purse. Yeah.

Have you claimed any purses? No, I'm just, I'm just want to do one of those exposés on like Dateline about how people treat fat people. I claimed a purse on the subway recently. I ended up getting shot by a kid wearing his dad's cop uniform. Yeah. It'll show you to snatch purses. Yeah.

Without being a fat guy. So you just like to, you like to, you like to bulk up a little bit in the morning. Yeah, for my Dateline pieces. For your Dateline pieces? Oh, I'm doing a thing where I go out on the street with a hidden camera to see how fat people get treated differently. But I want it to be real. And I want it to be like Tyra Banks prosthetics. I got it.

Yeah. I want to live it. You're really gaining the weight. You're doing Mo Rocco one better. Yeah. I want to live it. You're really gaining the weight. Mm-hmm. You're doing Mo Rocco one better. Exactly. Have you ever done anything for CBS Sunday morning? I mean, I hope to. This is actually kind of an on-spec thing.

I'm saying Dateline, but I mean anybody who wants it. Right. Like Dateline, CBS This Morning. I would prefer that it be CBS This Morning. Be just because of your relationship with Gail. Yeah. And, you know, Charlie Rose and the whole gang. Yeah. And the brunette woman. The whole Gail. Yeah. And, you know, Charlie Rose and the whole gang. Yeah.

And the Burnett woman. The whole drunk gang. Yeah. The AM drunk posse. Yeah. So, you know, just any, like, news magazine or something that wants it, you know, it'll be there. Can I give you a recommendation to claim that kind of Mo Rocca lane? Because I think you could do this.

Thank you. No. And then that's the goal is to, you know, is to start him out of the lane. Getting book deals like a NASCAR. Getting book deals for books about presidential pets. Here's my recommendation to you. Try and make sure that you're doing something that seems like it might be comedy, but might not be comedy.

Yeah. And then I think the idea like I want to. OK, there's a kind of person working in entertainment. And I think they've got a great thing going. It's the kind of person that the whole point of everything they do is, can you believe I'm doing this? Yeah. Me. I'm.

I'm doing this. It's – can you believe? I mean I'm going to – yeah, lots of magazine shows, pieces for Esquire. Right. Just people cannot believe that me, this guy, is doing this thing. You know. Me, a guy who looks like he works at Time Magazine. Yeah, a guy who you don't know about.

A 43-year-old white guy with no other distinguishing features. Yeah, I should probably get some glasses. Yeah. That'll probably help my case. You're going to have to get a schlumpy suit, too. Yeah, schlumpy suit, pleated slacks. Yeah. Yeah.

Then I can just, like, lie about, you know, being a New York Jew or something. I think that helps. You know what else you could do? Hmm. You could make tech pieces for the New York Times. There you go. Tech videos for the New York Times. So I will do anything.

If you need a guy who people can't believe he's doing a certain activity. Samsung phones. Give me a call. They're too big. Who needs them? Yeah. I did five crazy things with my giant Samsung phone. Zip lining?

Yeah. Me? Can you believe me? On a zipline? I went ziplining. I am profiled in the Wall Street Journal. Gay bathhouse sex? Me?

I'm me? Sucking whatever comes through a glory hole? Okay. Me? Can you believe? A married man? Lo these past 20 years yeah okay throwing it all away on anonymous sex me living a lie i think this is great i think this i think we've like i think we've been like striving for quality for too long and I think we need to go in this direction.

Yeah. Of just, like, shock. Just, like, pretend shock. Yeah, oh, yeah. It should be very genial. Pretend shock. We're not shock jocks. No, of course not.

But we should, I think, play up. We're not rock jocks. No, I wish. Although I am also vying for a job writing the reboot of Rockin' Jock. Oh, really? They're rebooting it, yeah. And I think the thing that people didn't realize about the old Rockin' Jock is that it was all written. No.

I know, yeah. Every move, every trampoline slam dunk done by Bill Bellamy was scripted by a team of writers. So you're- Michael Chabon's first job. You're telling me that Michael Chabon would sit down every morning- Yes. Let celebrated novelist- Yeah.

Michael Chabon, and at the time, and Julian is, our producer has put up a sign, also John Updike. Okay. Oh, wow. So late career John Updike and early career Michael Chabon would sit down together. I think Rock and Jock is kind of the modern day, or at least for our time

was kind of like the Smothers Brothers show. Right. And that like legendary show even more legendary writer's room. Right. And it was also it was a little bit too controversial because of its satirical content. Sure, sure. They kept pushing for more and more satirical slow slow-pitch softball. Right, exactly.

I think that the trampoline dunks, I mean, had a strong anti-Vietnam bent to them. Now, this is— I think if you were watching closely, you really got— To be clear, this was 15 or 20 years after the end of the Vietnam War. Yeah, but I mean, you know, they had their principles. So it was less controversial. Sure. So you're saying that John Updike, for example,

or for that matter, Harper Lee. A lot of folks wonder why she hasn't been writing novels. Yeah, because she was writing episodes of Rockin' Jock in 1993. She would sit down, she'd say, you know, to kill a watchman in the morning. Sure. And in the afternoon, to be Carmen Electra sliding into third base. Sure. You know, actually, she was the one.

Harper Lee or Carmen Electra? No, no. Harper Lee is the one who actually wrote the famous Jock Jam. Y'all ready for this? Really? Harper Lee? Yeah. Did she write the melody or the melody and the lyric? She wrote the, yeah. Did she just,

did she write the melody or the melody and the lyric? Oh, the whole thing. It was kind of a brill building thing. Oh. Where she just stayed up all night doing coke.

Got it. And she wrote Y'all Ready for This. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Regular Jordan Jesse Go listeners know that it's long been

my life's dream to be portrayed in a stipple portrait or what they call at the Wall Street Journal a head cut because they are actually not stipple portraits, strictly speaking. There are lines. Stipple portraits only have point dots. Okay. They're done by stippling the paper. The head cuts in the Wall Street Journal have lines.

Thanks to the folks who emailed me about that after the last time we talked about this. Those must have been fun to get. It was fun to get those emails. I'm really grateful for that. Otherwise, I would have embarrassed myself again in slightly confusing a thing that no one cares about.

And it finally happened, Jordan. In today's, as we record this, today's Wall Street Journal Arts section features a roundup of my favorite gadgets. Oh, I don't know how I missed that. I know. I mean, I read it every day. You always turn straight to the extremely marginal celebrity's favorite gadgets. Wow. Yeah.

That's great. I mean, how can you, I mean, I will certainly read it tomorrow with my milkshake. But do you want to, can you say what some of the gadgets were just to tease? And you don't have to say all of them. Ice cream maker. Okay. Got it for Father's Day. Okay.

Breville brand. That's top of the line. My wife said to me, I'm going to get you the top of the line. She went out and she did. She didn't care what it cost. Yeah. Literally hundreds of dollars it cost. Spared no expense.

Home stereo system. Yeah. Hopefully that ice cream maker turns out better than that Jurassic Park though, huh? Yeah, you got it. Oh, boy. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Name a British food lady. Name a British food lady. Joy, your child. I'm afraid I can't accept that. No, it's not Joy.

No. Come on, you must know your British food ladies. International Waters, a panel show where U.S. and U.K. comedians battle for pop culture supremacy. Subscribe right now on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne. Gadget guru. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne.

Gadget guru. I'm Jordan Morris, unlikely participant in this activity? Okay. Jordan, don't get crazy. Me? Don't get crazy, Jordan. I'm? Don't be a nut bar. Can you believe?

Okay. When in Rome. Wait a minute. What race did you enter? The white race. Oh. Wait a minute. What race did you enter? The white race. Oh. Wait a minute. Yeah.

So Jordan, are you suggesting that you're going to do- I will also do these sorts of experiential journalism pieces for racist magazines. So you're telling me that you're going to do a version of white like me where you start out as a white person and you put on pancake makeup to make yourself appear to be a white person? Yeah. Just like a slightly whiter person than I am. And to be clear, when I say a version of white like me,

I mean a version of white like me, the parody of black like me from Saturday Night Live in the early 1980s starring Eddie Murphy. Yeah, I was following you. Cool. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. We should really, Jordan, we should be brainstorming a few things because when you're pitching

editors, and I don't know if that's going to be part of your process or you're going to wait for the editors to come to you. Yeah. It could be a combination of both. We're going to want you to have a few pitches in your back pocket. Mm-hmm. We're going to want you to have a few pitches in your back pocket. Do you think you could pilot a container ship through the narrowest parts of the Panama Canal?

Yeah. I mean, I think that's an unlikely thing that someone of my demographic would do. There's human cargo, right? Well, sort of like the thing is there's no law at sea. So there's no labor law. So it's hard to define what is or isn't a slave. Okay, sure. You know, like it might just be a very low, like someone who's been coerced, you know,

or it might be, you know, it's kind of hard to say exactly. And there's no such thing as murder. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I like this. I like this kind of high seas lawless thing. I think that would be a fun, you know, little blurb for, you know, LA Magazine or something. What about this?

Yeah. This is a pitch. It's going to be, I'm going to say Vanity Fair. Okay. Shooting at helicopters. Oh, yeah. Like randomly? No, intentionally shooting at helicopters.

But I mean random helicopters. I'm not trying to like bring down a specific. Not just shooting into the air Yosemite Sam style. There happens to be helicopters up there. Yeah. I'm talking about taking a gun, presumably like a long gun. Yeah. Like a rifle or something. Like an anti-aircraft taking a gun, presumably like a long gun. Yeah. Like a rifle or something. Like an anti-aircraft gun?

Like a rifle or a blunderbuss. Okay. So you start with a blunderbuss. You know what that is? Sure, yeah. It's one of those wide at the end guns that like a 1910 Explorer would have. You got it. And you get that chopper in your sights.

You see if you can take it down. Yeah, I like that. I mean, I think that would be shocking that a guy of my demographic would be randomly shooting in helicopters with a blunderbuss. What about starting a dance group with a lion? Hmm. I don't know. I don't know that that's surprising enough. You'd expect that?

People know that I'm a friend to animals. Right. I think that's just such a part of my deal. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. So what about starting a dance group with a combine harvester?

Yeah, that's definitely, see, that's closer. Right. Because people know how much I hate industrialization. And Middle America. Both of those

for the same reason. Well, you hate industrialization. That's why you refuse to have rifling on the bore of your long gun. Sure, exactly.

You demand a blunderbuss. Yeah, I think we got a couple real rock-solid pitches. These are great, yeah. Call me if you're out there. Esquire, GQ. Do you have anything for Wired? It's going to need a tech angle. Yeah.

Oh, while I'm shooting at the helicopters, I'll tie a Fitbit around my balls. Oh, good. I shooting at the helicopters, I'll tie a Fitbit around my balls. Oh, good. I don't know why. It'll just measure like how hard it makes me if I – like the idea of shooting at helicopters, how sexually juiced that gets me. Jordan, I don't – look, I'm not here to pitch you business ideas. If I were here to pitch you business ideas, my name would be Merlin Mann and your name would be Scott Simpson. Sure.

However, I do have a business idea for you. Okay, let's hear it. Fuck bit. Okay. It just is the regular Fitbit includes like, I don't know what it has, an altimeter or something. Something that measures motion

so it can tell how many steps you take. And then you get involved in wanting to take more and more steps for health. Sure. The fuck bit measures thrusting. You know, I – Sexual thrusting. Joking aside, I think this exists. What?

I think that the porno website – and maybe, Julian, you can be looking this up as I'm saying it to make sure this wasn't a dream. In private mode. Yeah. Like, go into private mode. No, go into – is there a public mode that can broadcast what websites you're going to on Twitter? Yeah. Is there, like, a public mode that, like, puts things on, like, a big scoreboard on the outside of the building? Oh, yeah.

Like the World Series in 1922? Sure. Yeah. Can we do that? Oh, is there something that can put what you're searching for on a blimp? Yeah. Could it project it on a town hall at all? Anyway.

Could you – is there a mode there that depicts what you're searching for on the internet in an earthwork? That's a huge scale art project. Yeah. That uses the forces of nature. Like that Indian in South Dakota they're never going to finish. Yeah. Yeah. That uses the forces of nature. Like that Indian in South Dakota they're never going to finish.

Yeah. So I think the porno website Pornhub has some sort of thing. First of all, never heard of it. Neither have I. Right. This is all – this is weird to me that I'm saying it. I'm in a fugue state. Unfamiliar.

Yeah. At some point I'm going to need a primer on what – was that porn? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to need a primer on what that was. I've heard the word porn. It's the word hub I'm confused of. It's like a centralized location that a lot of different activity can take place at.

It's like a meeting point. What if Pornhub was just a place to hang out with your porn pals? Like, finally a place to connect with your porno pals everybody johnny penis debbie vagina marshall anus um so yeah i think they have something where you can measure your fucking and the money goes to charity based on how much you fuck? Is this fake, Julian? Julian was not looking it up that whole time.

I want to be absolutely clear. Julian is a substitute producer and he just fucked up big time. Oh, boy. That whole time he was just staring off into space enjoying our little show while we were vamping giving him time to look up whether this is real or not. Yeah. If it's not real, I wonder where I got it from. You're going to be like an idea that I had. Is this a super hot dream you had?

Yeah, could be. Could be. Super hot slash charitable dream. Julian says he sees nothing. So is there any way to measure fucking Julian like a wearable tech type thing that measures thrusting? Maybe just type in wearable tech. Or fuck pedometer.

Yeah. Julian says only in your wildest dreams. I wonder what that was for. Do type in fuck pedometer and see what happens. Yeah. See if it comes up on that blimp over there. Maybe Pornhub are the ones who are trying to shoot the porn in space. He found it.

Julian found the fuck pedometer. Did you find it by searching for fuck pedometer? Yes, he did. See, this is why. That's a fun search you can do at home. This is why librarians love to listen to Jordan Jesse go. You know how we have so many librarian listeners? I do know that.

It's because I know information systematics. Sure. You know what I mean? I can give you some Boolean terms that will find the band that you stick around your balls to measure how many fuck thrusts. Julian, can you bring the iPad in? I'd like to maybe just read it. Come on, buddy. We want to take a

look at this. Yeah, let's take a look at this. We want to take a look at this. Thanks for bringing your iPad and letting Jordan break it, by the way. Yeah, I'm definitely going to break it. It's at least going to get smudged with chocolate. Okay, Julian just brought Jordan the iPad. Okay. Okay, so yeah, this is called Sex Fit.

Upgrading your sex life is their slogan. Can I just offer just a little aside? Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt. Hey, Jesse, I do what the voices in my head tell me to. Got it. Let's keep Austin weird, huh? We got it. I went into a Hot Topic the other day just to see kind of what was in a Hot Topic these

days. No shirt that said I do what the voices in my head tell me to. Really? Yeah. What's going on in a Hot Topic these days? It's just, I mean, there is still a wall of- Ramones t-shirts? Ramones, Misfits, Crass, Run DMC, you know, edgy thing from the late 80s.

Uh-huh. But it's mostly Comic-Con shit. It's mostly, like, anime and Marvel stuff. Really? Yeah. Hot topic. Mm-hmm. And the hot topic.

What about goth shit? They have goth shit? Some goth shit. It has been overwhelmed by nerd shit, though. Yeah. It's the rise of the nerd. Sure. Fuck them.

That's what I say. Yeah. Fuck nerds. Where's the bullies? nerd. Sure. Fuck them. That's what I say. Yeah. Fuck nerds. Where's the bullies? Bullies need to make – where are you, bullies? Where's bully? Come on. We need you now more than ever.

Sex Fit, upgrading your sex life. It has an LED so it comes in – it looks like two colors, a pink and a kind of a gunmetal gray. Is this a – if we confirm this is a real product? I think so. It's in – yeah, it's in gadget and death and taxes. Sure. I mean, who am I to say? Right.

It's a ring that sits at the base of the penis, trapping blood for better erections, but also packs an accelerometer and Bluetooth module. erections, but also packs an accelerometer and Bluetooth module. That way, your in and out statistics will be shared with a companion app on a smartphone that'll tell you your thrust per minute and even the calories you've burned. So it is at once a cock ring and a wearable. Hmm. Is that something you could be interested in, Jesse? Do you think you could see yourself throwing a sex fit around the old baby maker? I don't need it.

I count out loud. Oh, okay. While thrusting. Yeah. Like an old-time calisthenics teacher. 34. Hup one, hup two. This is a fucking dope-ass background you have on your

iPad, Julian. What is this? This is you and some really serious looking bros all bro-ing out by some sort of nautical-themed American flag. Wait, I want to take a look at this. Yeah, take a look at this. Okay, so this holy moly, this is some of the

bro-ingest bro-ing down I have ever seen in my entire life. This is – how many bros are we talking about? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. You know, Julian was president of his fraternity. Oh, really? Is this that? Is this what this is?

Yeah, it is. We've got that confirmed. Now, Julian was president. Julian's fraternity happens to be that N-word fraternity. Wait, what? The N-word fraternity. Well, I don't know what that is. They sing a song about N-words.

Oh, yeah. It's very controversial. Sure. But Julian went to it, and there are – I'm looking at this. How many people did I just count? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. So there's like 16 people in this picture. One nautical American flag. And counting white dudes, I'm going to say – I'm going to say four white dudes out of the 16.

Yeah. Roughly. Roughly speaking. Julian himself, half African-American, half Mexican-American. So I don't think this was – That particular one. It was – yeah So I don't think this was that particular one. It was, yeah. I don't think it was in this chapter. Sure.

Just the four white guys quietly in the back. Yeah. Hey, hey, other white guys, come on, let's come back here and slightly sing a racist song that maybe the other guys can't hear. Yeah. Yeah. And there must be shitty four. I guess I don't know much about fraternities, but I get the sense that there are different chapters of the same one.

And I bet you if you are in one of the ones that does some racist shit in Tennessee, then. I think it was rough on Julian. Julian was president of the fraternity. Oh, wow. He's in charge of raising the money for charity. Sure. Organizing the bong rips. Hooking the funnels up to the tubes.

That's what you do. Or beer to flow from the funnel into a mouth. You connect funnels to tubes and raise money for charity. That's my understanding of the fraternity experience. I can see kind of the appeal of the Fitbit cock ring. Right. But I wonder how to get the other person on board for it. Like, I wonder with, like, hey, I'm pushing myself.

I'm here to push myself. What if the other person's already interested in advanced metrics? Yeah, I mean, I think that helps. I think you, like, gauge their, you know, you gauge their interest based on just a, you know, general conversation of metrics. Like, what if you're fucking Nate Silver? I mean, ideally. I mean, I'd like to do that, period.

Fitbit or no Fitbit. Sure. But. What if you're the second writer about a particular sport for Grantland.com? You're going to be interested in advanced metrics. Sure, yeah. So, yeah, if there's any writers for Grantland outcom. You're going to be interested in advanced metrics. Sure, yeah. Yeah, if there's any writers for Grantland out there, hit me up. By the way, I just put in a body tracking camera system in my bedroom.

I'm getting some really interesting information about the value of three-point fucking. The corner is where you want to fuck from. Oh, interesting. That's your highest percentage. Jesse, you were saying earlier off mic. Yes. Speaking of, you know, tech and social media and, you know, all that. We live in a connected world, Jordan.

We do. Information comes at us faster than ever. Okay. It's so hard to sift through it all. You should. That's why you listen to this show. Jordan, write that down and use that in your CBS Sunday morning paper. Oh, my God. Charles Kuralt is going to love show. Jordan, write that down and use that in your CBS Sunday morning paper. Oh, my God.

Charles Kuralt is going to love that. Great one, Jordan. It's true. I can't keep up with it. I'm probably not dead yet. Who knows? Sorry, Charles Kuralt, if you're alive. Yeah, you seem nice.

You're a legendary journalist. You were saying that you were having some trouble deciding on a Twitter avatar. Yeah. Here's what happened. I had a Twitter avatar that was effective but insufficiently beardy. And one thing that when you are an audio personality, I'm sure this is your experience as well, Jordan. You do everything. I'm more of a literary personality.

Just because you wrote for Rock and Jock? Yeah, Jordan. You do everything. I'm more of a literary personality. Just because you wrote for Rockin' Jock? Yeah, exactly. Me, Chabon, Harper Lee, Tom Wolfe. Alice Munro came in there kind of late. John Updike. I already said John Updike. Updike, yeah. David Foster Wallace actually got fired.

Yeah. But he went on to write Infinite Jest. So, I mean, maybe for the best for him. Sometimes it's just a bad fit, you know? Like sometimes you're not firing someone because, you know, they're a bad writer because certainly he was not. It's like did – It's just not a good fit. Did Charlie Kaufman get anything on the air on the Dana Carvey show?

No. But then he went on to write the movie, John Malkovich. Sure. You know the film? Yeah. Meemom Jimjom. Meemom Jimjom. That's what it was in Korean.

So I think if you're an audio personality, there is a part of you that wants to do one of either two things. Oh, speaking of, I think the actual Japanese title for Being John Malkovich is Deep Inside Malkovich. I think the actual Japanese title for being John Malkovich is Deep Inside Malkovich. It's also the title of the Pornhub's viral video promotion. Right. For their cock counter or whatever that was called. Yeah, yeah. I think they could really probably do some business if they would branch out into those kind of like, you know, movie nerd movies. And I feel like, you know, like obviously there's porn, you know, parodies of, you know, Avengers and Batman and, you know, big triple A movies.

But I think if they go into some of the kind of those, you know, those film schoolie movies, they would probably have a lot of success. You're Malkovich. See if you can do one for, you know, fear and sucking in Las Vegas. Julian's password is not 6969. No, it's too bad. I just thought I'd take a swing at it. Yeah. So.

Donnie Darko, you could just call it that. When you're an audio personality, you want to have one of either two things. Ira Glass, for example, was famous because for many years, well into this American life, basically up until they had a television show, he would not allow himself to be photographed in articles about this American life, basically up until they had a television show, he would not allow himself to be photographed in articles about this American life. He would like have his hand in front of his face or a microphone in front of his face or like a notebook in front of his face because he didn't want to pierce the reality bubble that's built around a listener to something. They imagine their own version of who you are.

And he wanted that to continue apace. When that's not practical, I think to some extent, you do a little extra work to put a picture of yourself out there so that you don't have to deal with people, frankly, being disappointed. Sure, yeah.

No one imagines... Being inadvertent dicks yeah exactly and um uh and so i i had a twitter avatar that i was pretty happy with uh but then i became beardier and i was having a lot of problems with people saying like, are you sure you're Jesse Thorne? Or gosh, I guess you're Jesse Thorne. Like what? Sure. Like weird, awkward. Do you like go into places saying you're Jesse Thorne to like demand like discounts and stuff?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. You don't do that? I don't. Maybe I should be. Yeah. What do you do if you're going into a 31 flavors? Marginal podcast celebrities get 15% off at Subway.

Really? Yeah. So I can get the footlong for the price of a six inch? Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say Subway? I meant on the Subway. Oh, okay. You get a discounted fare on the Subway.

Really? Yeah, because they presume you can't afford your own car. Because you're into podcasting. Did you know who is a big fan of MaximumFun.org? Hmm. Whoever runs the Twitter account for the Los Angeles Metro. Really? Multiple plugs for Judge John Hodgman there.

Multiple Judge John Hodgman plugs. So the person who is following the Metro Twitter account for, you know, fair hike updates and scheduling and stuff like that. Here's a fun thing to listen to while you're on the Los Angeles Metro. Oh, I guess that fits more than – that fits better than just a random plug or something like that. Stuff to listen to on the – I get that. Yeah. Because public transit and podcasting go hand in hand. So I was concerned it wasn't beardy enough.

So I took – But it would be nice if they would recommend our show. Yeah. I agree. I agree completely. I grabbed a picture that Eric, our events guy, took of me. But I'm up against a white wall and I'm a little bit backlit. And so my beard looks real wispy and weird in that picture. Are your concerns – it seems like all of your concerns are beard-based.

Yeah. Well, I mean that's the main difference. Sure. You know, it's I'm. You're changing the picture to get the beard in. So you want to make sure that the beard is, you know, at least represented like you. Well, one weird thing. Would want it to be. One weird thing about having a beard is that people feel very comfortable sharing weirdly

specific opinions about a beard. Sure. Yeah. In a way that I don't think they would about like a new haircut or something like that. Right. Like people will say, man, you sure look rapey. Oh, God. Like people that you're not friends with.

I believe it. I believe it 100%. And positive ones as well. Sure. It's just like it's something that people feel fully qualified to offer you a deeply personal strong opinion about. I think people assume that – and I guess the rapey thing is the intense negative of that. But I think people assume that if you go out of your way to have a specific facial hair, you want to talk about it. Yeah.

want to talk about it. Yeah. I think it's like, I do know that I, I, I can remember a friend of mine who got a really specific tattoo, like a really intense, really specific,

weird tattoo, not just, you know, an anchor or initials or something like that, but it was really intense. And every time people would ask him like, what is this about? He would say, uh,

I don't like to talk about what it's about. And that struck me as his thing to deal with because why get something so intense and specific that's in a really obvious part of your body if you were just going to shut down everybody who talked about it? So I think that burden is on the beard haver a little bit. Do you think I'm off base there? Well, I mean – You should be prepared to explain your beard yeah i mean if you want me to explain the beard i'm glad to explain the beard i'll say yeah i've always wanted to have a beard

and i have a soft jawline and uh an overbite yeah and uh so it flatters me so i'm glad to have it Yeah. And so it flatters me. So I'm glad to have it. I'll say that. Okay. But you don't want comparisons. I don't want someone to say like, wow, you look like a real creeper. Sure.

And that's not what most people say. Yeah. I get many more compliments on it than I think I look better with it than without it or else I wouldn't have it. But yes, when people are, they feel very comfortable being very specifically negative if they have some kind of problem with it. But yes, when people aren't, they feel very comfortable being very specifically negative if they have some kind of problem with it. Okay. So I want it well represented. Okay.

So I switched to this picture that our events director took, but it was looking too wispy. So then I switched to, I took a selfie. Have you heard about this? They're very hot these days from what I understand. Yeah, I think even J-Lo does it. I've heard that there's a stick one can buy to assist in them. Now, this is something I hadn't heard about. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm a big tech head. It's kind of a cock ring that slips over the penis.

Right, and does it hold the blood of the penis inside the penis? Yeah, it does. So, you know, you can stay firmer longer. Uh-huh. And then, you know, while you're all juiced with does. So, you know, you can stay firmer longer. Uh-huh. And then, you know, while you're all juiced with a boner, you take a selfie. Got it. Yeah. So you have that glow about you.

You know what? That I'm a wrecked glow. You know what I do? Hmm? I keep some dumbbells in the backseat of my car. So if I need to, I can do a couple curls with my donger. Oh, sure. So that if I see a lady, it's on swole.

It's got to be swole. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, how are lady, it's on swole. It's got to be swole. You know what I mean? Yeah. How are you going to find your swole mate otherwise? It's got to be on swole, my friend. But now I have a stipple portrait, Jordan. I'm cool forever.

So you are using the stipple portrait as your Twitter avatar now? Yeah, I'm stipple from here on out. Do you think it's better than the selfie? Oh, it's significantly better. It's a significant improvement on the selfie. I mean, look, I'm not going to tell you that me and this artist from the Wall Street Journal didn't go back and forth. By the way, I've got a photo credit in the Wall Street Journal. Hey, there you go. Yeah, they need me to take a picture of my stereo because there's no stock pictures of it because it's old.

Do you get extra for that? No, but I should. Yeah. By extra, do you mean something? Yeah. Do you get paid at all? I'd take $10. For the promotional article?

Right, $10. Seems fair. I'd love you get paid at all? I'd take ten bucks. For the promotional article? Right? Ten bucks? Seems fair. I'd love to get ten bucks. What do you pay on Getty Images if you want to use their woman surprised that there's a cake here? Yeah. My favorite stock photo, by the way. Do you think that's a picture? A cake? Here? Me?

I'm? A cake? Here? Cake? Who? Me? Okay. When in Rome. I'm sorry.

What? Yeah. Yeah. So, but I feel like my- You know what would be great? Cake on a zip line. Just hitch it in, send it across the jungle. What about a day- And maybe birds will try and eat it as it's like sailing over the

jungle canopy a day delivering singing telegrams but they're gently comic okay yeah that's fun like it's like grandma's birthday she's fun she's kind of old yeah i mean i'd probably want to write a fun nice fun yeah yeah i mean that's a super rough draft of a song. Get someone to punch it up. Sure. Call Bruce Valanche. Maybe I'll just call it Shaybon. Get Bruce.

We're still friends after we wrote on Rockin' Jock. You know, Bruce Valanche also wrote on Rockin' Jock. He fit in really well with all those. Yeah. All those rock celebrities. Mm-hmm. John B. Mm-hmm. He was probably on that. Yeah. All those rock celebrities. Mm-hmm. John B. Mm-hmm.

He was probably on that. Yeah. If you're John B., you've got to be prepared to answer facial hair questions. Yeah. If anyone on Earth has to be prepared to answer facial hair questions, it's slow jam legend John B., the king of the specific facial hair. No man has ever had more narrow and specific facial hair than John B., the king of the specific facial hair. Yeah. No man has ever had more narrow and specific facial hair than John B. You know that kind of hairstyle that Vanilla Ice had where you got a fade, then there's lines cut in the side on the fade?

I think John B. at some point probably had that in his beard. He probably had a fade cut into his beard with lines cut into the fade or like a swoosh. Do you think that's what's coming next in facial hair? A return to what Latino crooners of the mid-1990s did with their facial hair? Yeah. I do, yeah. I think so, too. Man, I saw an amazing man on the subway on the way here.

Hmm. 40-ish year old guy. Yeah. Maybe 45. Mm-hmm. Wearing an overweight, but not like obese, but like, you know, just his body. A large dude. He had let go of himself.

Sure. Not a tall dude. Just a guy who's just a mess. Okay. Physically. Mm-hmm. himself. Not a tall dude. Just a guy who's just a mess.

Physically. He was wearing a black do-rag, black and white checked trilby, short brim fedora. He was going to a ska concert. He was wearing it backwards.

Little bit hard to tell because of where the pinch was. Sure. But he was on backwards. Intentionally, do you think? No. Okay. No.

No. I don't think so. Simple hat accident. I do not think that it was. But you don't think it was? So which one was it? Was it an intentional or a hat accident? I think that it was a hat accident.

I don't think it was intentional. Okay. A K-Rock t-shirt. Mm-hmm. A jacket that it was a jean jacket with a lot of patches on it. Mm-hmm. For things from 1988. Okay.

Like cheap trick? Yes. Okay. Not literally cheap trick, but the biggest one was for the Stray Cats. Okay. Like cheap trick? Yes. Okay. Not literally cheap trick, but the biggest one was for the stray cats. Okay. But there was also one for the cure. There was a broad variety of them. They all appeared to be newish.

Okay. So here's what it looked like. It looked like something that you would buy at Marshall's. Like that a person, like there was a lot of leftover patches. A container of leftover patches got brought to Vietnam. And, you know, Vietnamese clothing company 24 bought the container load for 50 cents, decided to put them on jackets. By the way, the brand of the jacket was Ralph Lauren Chaps. Okay.

So, yeah, miscellaneous things. And so far, I'm just describing, like, a guy who's, like, was once, like, into whatever alternative rock in the late 80s. Sure. He's sort of a sky rockabilly guy. Right now, not that surprising. I understand that. Now, the do-rag-in-the-hat-on-backwards, that's unusual. Yeah.

I don't know. I can kind of picture him. Okay. Hat accident aside, you're getting to it. Full erection. His, his, his pants were cross colors. Oh, that's great. Yeah. He is. His pants literally had, uh, at first I thought they were the kind of, um, uh, uh, airbrushed pants you could get at a state fair. But actually they were cross colors and they literally said in like graffiti letters. When I say graffiti letters, I'm talking about from a children's cereal commercial in 1991 that said street beat.

Oof. Now are these the cross color reboot pants or do you think these were, you know, the genuine article? I think these were original cross colors. Okay. There was some wear. Okay. They were also like acid washed. That was pretty good.

This guy, that guy really had a pretty insane mishmash going on. Yeah. It was pure madness. Yeah. That's all I have to say about that. I just, he just. Is there a friendly way to say what's your deal? I know.

That's what I wanted to know. Like while we're on this public transit ride together, can you explain yourself to me? I had some concern. I'm not going to talk. I'm just going to listen. I had some concern he was a madman. Sure. I mean, yeah. And could have looped me into his madness. Okay.

Because he had this sort of combination of specificity of dress and non-sequitur dress that would lead one to believe that someone might be a madman okay so you're right you would go up to him and go like oh hey this is an interesting combination of things you have on and then the next thing you know you wake up in a shipping container because i want to be totally clear about the upper upper half of him like he had all these things from a guy who was into 1980s. Billy Idol. There was a big Billy Idol thing. Yeah. But it wasn't like he looked like a rockabilly guy.

Like, it was not like a Levi's jacket. Okay. Like, this was clearly a Ralph Lauren Chaps denim jacket. Yeah. I mean, I think that, you know, maybe what you were seeing is I can remember, like, high school kid and like wanting to like, you know, start to have a unique style of dress. Right. Like your hero, Billy Idol. Like my hero, Billy Idol.

Or like wanting to like dress like the subculture that you like the most. Jordan, I understand completely. I wanted to dress like my hero, Billy Ocean. Sure. So I could find a Caribbean queen of my own. And like the first couple of shots you take at that, like you don't maybe necessarily know to go to, you know, the head shop that also sells T-shirts or the, you know, or to find out where like a cool thrift store would be. So you just kind of try and approximate the thing you want based on what you can get at Marshalls and Target. Right.

So I think maybe that's where – because I definitely remember being like 13 and like wanting to have a jacket with like patches and pins on it. So you think that this man is a 45-year-old going through the sartorial crisis of a 14-year-old? I think so. I mean people develop differently. Uh-huh. So I think he's – you know. You think so. I mean, people develop differently. Uh huh. So I think he's, you know. You think he may have just gotten pubes as well?

Yeah, he just got pubes. And, you know, he's like, hey, I'm tired of just listening to whatever music mom puts on around the house. I'm going to start getting into my own thing. Now elderly. Yes. So I'm going to start getting in my own thing. I like, you know, I like The Cure.

I like Stray Cats. Billy Idol. Billy Idol. Billy Idol. K-Rock. Yeah. So he's at some point- Green Day, presumably. Yeah.

Let's say Green Day. You got to figure no doubt, right? Yeah. Yeah. This tracks. Is it possible that this was our friend Greg Barrett? Might have been Greg Barrett. Yeah.

Maybe Greg Barrett has really just let himself go. I love Greg Barrett, P.S. Let's be clear. So, yeah, or maybe he's just like, and he's doing his best. You know, he found these patches. He has his, you know, jacket that he got at Marshall's. It's not particularly cool, but it'll do. And, you know, maybe when we see him in a couple years, he'll have it more together.

You know what this was like if Greg Barrett was schizophrenic? If Greg Barron was schizophrenic. Like the thing about Greg Barron is Greg Barron owns the anachronism of his style and is really specific and does an exceptional job, I think. I think Greg always really looks great. Have you heard Greg's joke that he's been doing lately where he says he goes on stage wearing a scarf and he says it's not because he wants to look like the lead singer from Train. It's because he's 50 years old and he didn't have time to iron his neck. That's good. Yeah, it is a good fucking Greg Barrett.

It's funny. Get well soon, Greg Barrett. So anyway, yeah, I think that's the answer. It's like what if Greg Barrett, with that commitment to specificity, was also – Yeah, just maybe insane and maybe without resources. Yeah. We've solved the mystery, Jordan. We have. The mystery of a guy I saw on the subway on the way here.

Dust, dust, dust. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Disick. I'm Jordan Desigal. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying, one, we've been doing this show for over seven years, long before the entire premise of our show was a cliché. And two, shut up. Sick bird. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast. A podcast about words that sound like other words. A podcast about me singing long, irritating songs like this one. A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie.

Or discussions about sex tarps. Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out. And talking about ding-dongs. That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So, if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today. Or visit MaximumFun.org to follow the show. The Flophouse!

Woo! Or visit MaximumFun.org to follow the show. The Flophouse. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Great to be here, Jordan. It's always nice. It's always nice when we have a show to ourselves. Boy,

I know, without the parents here, huh? We can stay up as late as we want to. Number one. Ice cream for breakfast. Yeah,

number two. And full blast, full volume pornography. Yeah, sure. Don't have to worry about mom. Full blast,

full volume orgasms. Sure. Ah! Ah! Yeah! Um, Jordan. Wah! I want to say, I have something that I need to say on the show.

Okay. Uh, this is, it's a combination of an announcement and a cry for help. Uh-huh. Here's my announcement. I'm, uh, in September. Mm-hmm. I'm going to Northern Europe. Mm-hmm.

I'm going to Oslo. Okay. Stockholm to Oslo, Stockholm, and Copenhagen. Great. I will be a guest speaker at an event called Radio Days. Okay. D-A-Z-E? Yes. Exactly. It's directed by Spike Lee and the year is 1986.

Great. It's called Radio Days. And I guess I'm going to be – here's the thing. So like a few years ago, some Dutch people emailed me and said, can we visit you in your office? I'm like, yeah, sure. Why not? Get a load of these guys. You know what I mean?

Come on up, cloggy. Exactly. We took them to lunch. Turns out if you work in the state broadcaster of the Netherlands or whatever, you can liver Danish. I don't know. This is how deep in the shit I am that I have agreed to this. I don't even know what country's which. Sure. You're just going to get into a shipping container. Exactly. Head out to sea. Head for the Panama Canal. Just pray the federales don't catch you.

I found out that they get like a month off every other year, I want to say, to do professional development, which involves just flying to other countries and hanging out with other people that do radio. Other countries are great. I know, right? Thank God for socialism. Socialism is amazing. And so, yeah, so I like took him to lunch. Sure. I got, right? Thank God for socialism. Socialism's amazing. And so, yeah, so I took him to lunch. Sure. I got him some pastrami. I don't think

they even had pastrami before. I don't think they have that in Copenhagen. Yeah, they've only had lutefisk. Exactly. Well, they've had a few other fermented fish dishes. Sure. What's that deep-fried gravy disc that they eat? Wait, a deep-fried gravy disc? Yeah. Julian, why are you not typing deep-fried gravy disc into they eat. A deep fried gravy disc? Yeah. Julian, why are you not typing deep fried gravy disc into this computer of yours that's

sitting right next to me? So I have agreed to speak at their national radio conference. Okay. And I will be speaking at three countries in two days. And that's fine. Those two days are covered. But I figured as long as I'm going all the way to Europe, I should hang out there. Sure.

I don't know anyone. So if you – this is a rare opportunity. If you live in Copenhagen or Stockholm, I will be friends with you. That's what I'm offering to you. Great. Even if you have a friend that lives in Copenhagen or Stockholm, I might be friends with them. What are you bringing to the table, friendship-wise? Friendship-wise?

I probably know about stuff that's happened on American television shows that they don't know about yet. Okay. Like maybe they haven't gotten Bazinga over there yet? Wait, what's Bazinga? Yeah, what they don't know about yet. Okay. Like maybe they haven't gotten Bazinga over there yet? Bazinga? Yeah, what they say on Big Bang Theory. Oh, right. Yeah, sure.

Bazinga. Yeah, sure. They probably haven't gotten that yet. They're probably still waiting to find out how Gunsmoke ends. So, yeah. So I'll bring my knowledge of Fibber McGee and Molly

with me. I'm tall. They'll know what my beard looks like in advance. Sure. They check your Twitter avatar. I bought a new coat. Mm-hmm. I mean, that's three or four solid things. Yeah, I mean, you know, you can go on, but

you know, you'd make a fine case. I'll show them how to make a burger. Okay. That's America's national food. You'll buy him fried gravy discs. Yeah, exactly. Fried gravy discs on me. But seriously, I'm going to be in this, I'm going to be like four days in Copenhagen and four days in Stockholm or something. I don't even know.

Sure. I'll have a meetup. Does anyone live there? You know who I think lives there? Do you remember Ari from Iceland? I don't think I remember Ari even know. Sure. I'll have a meetup. Does anyone live there? You know who I think lives there? Do you remember Ari from Iceland? I don't think I remember Ari from Iceland. You'll remember him as the guy who used to call into Jordan Jesse Go like in the very early days and just kind of yell at us. Okay.

He sounds great. It may have just been that that's what Icelandic people sound like or Icelandic dudes. They're a scolding people. Icelandic ladies sound like Bjork, right? So Icelandic dudes? They're a scolding people. Icelandic ladies sound like Bjork, right? So Icelandic dudes sound like they're yelling at you. Yeah, yeah. So maybe Ari from Iceland lives in one of those places now? Mm-hmm.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. That's a tall order. Good luck. Martin from Malmo. Guy lives in Malmo. Okay.

I don't know how far that is from these other things. Don't know. Maybe he wants to come have lunch. Maybe I need somebody to go to that restaurant where all you eat is like clovers that the guy found in the field. Is that something? How are they prepared? You found a sea clover growing out of a dike? Huh.

I don't know. Just raw? Just a bowl of them? Just a bowl of sea clovers that he found growing out of a retaining wall. It's holding the sea back. I think that's what you eat in one of those places. That makes sense to me. That and loot to fisk.

Yeah. So that's on offer. Dave and Abby's aunt, Sheila, she lives in one of those places. Yeah. I don't know. You going to try some party drugs while you're out there? Oh, yeah. Legal prostitution.

Sure. The whole nine yards. I'm going to try and break my arm and get it fixed for free. Man, you should do it all. Yeah. When in Rome. Wooden shoes. Me?

Getting my arm fixed for free? Okay. Shoot a narwhal. Yeah. That sounds good. That's like the top. I haven't seen the Rick Steves special where he goes to Northern Europe, but I think what he does, if I'm remembering correctly,

is the thing you haven't seen. He gets some wooden shoes. I read the summary on Netflix. Okay. I'm sorry. He gets wooden shoes. He eats some lutevis. He gathers some sea clover from the retaining wall

that's holding back the ocean. Sounds like a good episode. And he shoots a narwhal with a flare gun. I think you should do all that. You got to get a square in the blowhole. No, yeah, yeah. No, they got a tough hide. They got a tough hide.

Real guns are illegal in Northern Europe. Sure. Got to get a flare gun and shoot it square in the blowhole. As it's breaching. You want to go to a black metal concert? I'll go to that. Oh, cool. Yeah.

You know? Bring me some earplugs. So that's breaching. You want to go to a black metal concert? I'll go to that. Oh, cool. Yeah. You know? Bring me some earplugs. So that's on offer. I just wanted to put that out. Great offer. That's going to be my, it's going to be like Autumn Boy. Oh, okay. Speaking of which.

Yeah. That's an elegant segue. Very. Summer Boy. The Summer of Summer Boy is on right now. So let's take our first Summer Boy call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Sunny D, and esteemed guest. Last night, a rather momentous thing occurred.

My neighbors, last night around 11 p.m., set off some fireworks. And this was momentous because they went off at the exact moment of my orgasm. It was fantastic. I felt like quite a summer boy. Love the show. Yeah, I'm not that stoked about his tone of voice, but that is pretty dope. It's great. I wonder if it was with a partner or solo.

Oh, yeah. That was an important detail that I would have liked to have had. I wonder how your partner reacts to that. There's this new hit song by Demi Lovato that's called Gay for the Summer. Is it? It's roughly called Gay for the Summer. And I can't decide whether or not it's homophobic because it's sort of like on the one hand, she's like making a song about being gay for the summer. So that's not homophobic.

That's positive. It's a step forward. It's a pop record. On the other hand, the for the summer part seems homophobic. Oh, is she saying that like she's going to have a girlfriend for the summer? Or that she likes the summer in the way, like you would say, oh, I'm gay for this sandwich, I love it so much. As I understand it, John.

Because I have not heard this song. You know the song by Katy Perry that's called I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It? So she says, well, just this one kiss and it's because I like lip gloss, is the theme of that song. This new song by Demi Lovato, which is called I'm Gay for the Summer, is like – she's like I'm proud to be – do gay stuff for the summer. But only the summer. Only for this specific two and a half, three months. Anyway, my point –

Yeah, that's a tricky one. Anyway, my point here is that I think that you should say instead of gay for the summer, I think it's become gay in the summer or accept your homosexuality in the summer. Yeah. So the summer is not when you try doing a gay thing. In summer, think about the fact that sexuality is a continuum. Exactly. I think. It's a river, always changing. I think the summer is the time to embrace your true self, even if you're afraid. I think that's the spirit of Summer Boy.

Sure. So long story short, unlike Demi Lovato, I think that's what this guy was doing. Yeah, I think so. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. was doing yeah i think so i'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt yeah he was expressing his sexuality was with someone that in the past he would have been afraid to express his sexuality with like a wife exactly exactly you think that he was in a in a part of society where he was looked down upon for being gay previously yeah wait no looked Look down upon for not being... Wait a minute. People were looking down on him for being heterosexual.

He was pretending to be gay. Because it was trendy. Right. Yeah. But he had this secret wife who he tried to fuck as little as possible, even though he really wanted to. He's like, hey, you know, I know that gay you know, gay marriage is in the news and in Vogue and, you know, all over TV. And Vogue got gay married? Yeah.

All of them. To each other. Now I'll never marry Dawn. Sorry. She's gay married now. But he's like, hey, fuck it. I'm a proud straight man. Jordan, can I-

And I'm going to do it to my wife. Can I say the thing I said? Yeah. Now I'm never going to get it. No. Never going to get it. Never going to get it. Not this time.

Nope. Yeah. So I think that's probably what this guy is going through. I guess I'm saying that I would like to hear from at least one person before the summer is out who has embraced a new sexuality because they're living their summer boy lifestyle. That would be great. Right? Mm-hmm.

That's a classic summer boy expression. Sure. Make it happen, guys. Yeah. Okay. Another call. Hey, guys. It's Erin from Columbus.

Hey guys, it's Erin from Columbus. So yesterday I got up and went to some yard sales in my neighborhood. Then I mowed my lawn. My friends came over, we grilled pizzas on the grill, and then we started a bonfire and made s'mores. And then today I am getting ready to grill some hot dogs and then go to the park. I just feel like I'm having a real summer boy weekend. Aaron's fucking nailing it. It's good.

It's consistent. Aaron is not, there's no peaks and valleys here. Aaron is going clean through the weekend, 100% summer boy. I'm here. Okay. Here's my. She didn't say that she cracked some tall boys but i presume i could hear yeah i mean i i was also assuming that and here's my issue with this call is that it's it's good i mean all of that shit was great it would have been better if she said i've been

living a lie but also yes i'm. Yes. I'm pushing myself sexually. Right. That would have been nice. But this is a little bit boilerplate summer boy. Right. It's a little – and I don't mean this as derogatory. But mainly it's trendy. It's a little bit basic bitch.

You want a summer boy disruptor. Yeah, exactly. You want someone who's innovating. Where's the Uber of summer boy? You want someone who's innovating in the summer boy vertical. That would be great. Yeah, somebody who's doing some new stuff in the space. Right. Because, I mean, you know, this is great.

Columbus is probably lovely. Would I like to join someone who is doing all these activities? Absolutely. Pizza on the grill sounds terrific. Right. But I think at this point in our summer boy experience, we're looking for, I think what you said, a disruptor. Right. Someone who makes us go, wow.

Where's that wow factor? And the fact that she got a pizza stone for her big green egg is not enough. I mean, this is a good thing to do. I'm just saying at this point in the show, we're looking for something else. Okay. Yeah. Bigger, louder, faster. Pontoons. Summer. Pontoons.

I think the main thing, the main take home for me here is if you're calling in about a boat, it should be multi-hull. Sure. Ideally. I do not want to hear about single-hulled boats. Where is our Indominus Rex, I guess is what I'm saying. Got it. Where's our new... What's the next level shit?

Yeah. We've seen the T-Rex. We've seen raptors. Can I ask... What's next? Can I ask you a question? And I don't want to suggest that murderousness is part of a summer boy lifestyle because, frankly, it isn't.

Yeah. Okay. However... Guys, don't murder. I wonder if El Chapo, in going into his shower, which apparently he had his own shower, despite being the most horrible person in the history of America, the Americas. Sure. Open a curtain. Including Canada? Absolutely.

You're saying he's worse than Rick Moranis? He's worse than celebrated, talented, nice man Rick Moranis. He's worse than every member of Rush, Jesse? I don't think so. He opens the curtain, goes into a special tunnel that has a motorcycle on rails. And I think the motorcycle on rails element here, it's not just that there's a mile-long tunnel to a construction site. It's the motorcycle on rails element that I think is El Chapo making a play to be summer boy. Now, again, I want to be clear that murderousness is not part of being a summer boy.

Neither is drug trafficking. No. Maybe marijuana trafficking. No. Maybe marijuana trafficking. Yeah. But not heroin trafficking or cocaine trafficking or crystal meth trafficking. Those are not summer boy things. Yeah. Maybe mushrooms.

Maybe a little cocaine. And cocaine once in a while. Once in a while. Once a year. Yeah. When you're with your friends from college. Yeah. So, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, again, I'm not trying to put this woman down. I think it was a good call and I like all these activities. I'm just saying what's next. I will present the alternative here. Okay. I know that you're arguing for murderousness to be included because you're such a big fan of El Chapo's next level. I do like El Chapo's next level.

My suggestion is that one really great summer boy element of this call of Aaron's call. And maybe I missed something. I could have missed something. I think that a certain amount of consistency of

summer boy-ness is necessary to really as our friend Howard Kramer would say, have a summer. Okay. I think that there is a certain amount of getting into and staying inside of the zone that could be difficult if your friends from college are visiting and you've done a few bumps. Mm-hmm. Okay? And you're going to go murder some rival drug cartel members. Right.

So my feeling is that's what I like about this. Okay. I liked the consistency of it. But, you know, I mean, I'm also a big parrot head. Sure. Yeah. So I love a flip-flop. You're on island time.

Exactly. You're on island time. Exactly. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. You know, when something momentous happens to you, our listener, we have you call us.

By the way, thank you for that. I feel like we're doing Smiley and West. What's that? Can I be Cornel West I feel like we're doing Smiley and West. What's that? Can I be Cornell West and you be Tavis Smiley? Yes. Thank you for making me Tavis Smiley, by the way. No problem. He's one of my biggest influences.

Thank you, Brother Tavis. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. For our segment Momentous Occasions. We have some momentous occasions in what I call the spank bank. We're ready to roll them out. Hey, Jordan, Jessica. This is Sam in beautiful Whittier, Alaska. I'm walking home from work, and I just saw this guy with his kids. He had a baby Bjorn thing

strapped to his front and he hocked a big loogie and tried to spit it and the wind blew it right back in his kid's face. Thanks, guys. See you later. That's good.

That's rock solid. Yeah, that's really good. I was going to say there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, obviously, there is something wrong with that. I mean, obviously there is something wrong with that. The kid didn't do anything. No, yeah. I don't know.

Might have had it coming, though. Yeah. You figure. It's one of the wayward toddlers of Whittier, Alaska. What's great about it is it's going down in Whittier, Alaska, you know. Like, what's going down? They got this and satellite TV. Sure.

You know what I mean? Yeah, the occasional moose sighting probably. If they're lucky, a log flume. Yeah. Some kind of flume. And then 30 days of pure night. Yeah. That's probably pretty good.

Yeah. Do you have you, it seems like a baby is something that, I don't want to say you inexplicably hurt a lot, but something that is that easily gets in the way. Do you find that babies will you inexplicably hurt them? Yeah, absolutely. Sure. No doubt about it. One thing is that my three year old does a lot lately is creep on me.

Oh, yeah. You know, he creeps. He'll creep up. Straight creep. He's got that. He's got that gentle pitter patter. You don't even hear it. Sure. You know, he creeps. He'll creep up. Straight creep. He's got that gentle pitter-patter. You don't even hear it. You know what I'm talking about? And then all of a sudden, pow, you took him out.

You turn around over your shoulder, look at something. Pow, you took out the kid. Yeah. He's going down like a sack of potatoes. Do you think he's sneaking up on you? Like a sack of potatoes that was trying to stand up and be a toddler. Do you think he's sneaking around on me? Yeah, like trying to steal your wallet or cut your throat?

Or he's just got other parents on the side? Yeah, could be. He's trying to sneak out of the house to be with his other parents. Yeah, he keeps telling us that he's going to insurance conventions. Huh. Yeah, like in sales meetings. Yeah. Like sales retreats.

Have you seen his credit card statements? Because if there's a lot of motel rooms and expensive dinners on there, that's a good sign. He has a black card. Oh. How did he get a black card? Would you say good credit? He does have very good credit. He never misses a payment.

He brags about that. That's the first step. That's the first step. He brags about that. There's two things he brags about. Number one, he never misses a payment. Number two, he's got one of those three-wheel razor scooters. So those are the main things he brags about.

The Ducati razor scooters? Yeah, those Ducati razor scooters. Yeah, boy, I hate to say it, Jesse, but I think you, I mean, I don't, listen, I'm not saying he's definitely cheating on you with other parents. But, I mean, I think it's a concern. I think it's worth looking into maybe hiring a private child investigator. Well, we'll see. Let's take our next call. Wait, the investigator child would have a little trench coat in there because you need a child to tail another child.

No, no, time out, Jordan. All right. The investigator is two children, one on the other shoulders. Oh, trying to convince you that they're an adult. Yeah. I like that. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. shoulders trying to convince you that they're an adult yeah i like that hey jordan jesse and guest this is ryan from pennsylvania and uh i have a momentous occasion for you i was out today in the field uh i'm a wildlife biologist and uh i met this gorgeous girl working on a farm uh she was really sweet, beautiful smile, very, very attractive.

And I found out that her dad is my boss, but I asked her if she wanted to get a drink with me anyway, and I got them digits. So pretty momentous, pretty bold. And, yeah, I love the show. Have a good one. Bye. This one was a little too self-congratulatory. I think we can acknowledge that right I love the show. Have a good one. Bye. This one was a little too self-congratulatory.

I think we can acknowledge that right out of the gate. Sure. However, I do like what he's congratulating himself for. Yeah, I mean, it was, you know, well played. Good move. Yeah, you know, you can take down the smugness 10% if you want to the next time you call this in. Can I suggest something, just another little tweak to this? Please.

This young woman is his boss's daughter. I would have liked it if she had been the farmer's daughter. Oh, yeah. I've heard some pretty good jokes about this. You mean those nonfiction tales you've been told? Oh, I thought those were street jokes. No, sir. Those are news items.

No, those are real stories about this woman. Oh, wow. Yeah. Huh. I should know. I got my dick cut off. Those jokes all end in somebody's dick getting cut off. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. Well, yeah. But yeah, good for you. Yeah. Well done. Yeah. I think a lot of people might have backed down when they found that out, but full speed ahead. Yeah.

And congratulations on getting fired soon. Or fucking your way to the top. Oh, there you go. Of the field of field biology. Yeah. Nowhere to go but up. Those goddamn field biologists. I know.

Everybody's on the casting couch. Yep. Counting frogs. Mm-hmm. I guess that's a field herpetologist. Yeah. Well, you know. It's in the same subsection.

Herpetology is a field of biology. I think it is, too. I know that. Yeah. You know, reptiles are oviparous. Oh. Yeah. A lot of people don't know that.

Oh, that's interesting. If you've got a momentous occasion, either email it to us at jjgoe at maximumfund.org or call us at 206-984-4FUND. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, play detective. I'm afraid to be alone.

So if you are in Stockholm or Copenhagen, everybody speaks English there, I think. I think so, too. Right? Yeah. I mean, but you also know the universal language of dance. Just communicate that way. And the universal language of Esperanto. There you go.

By the way. So you could bring your VHS copy of – I'm going to be on a William Shatner tour. Ah, shit. What's the William Shatner Esperanto movie? I don't know. If only Julian were tweeting it on his computer, which is sitting next to me, to be fair. Oh, shit. What's the William Shatner Esperanto movie? I don't know. If only Julian were tweeting it on his computer,

which is sitting next to me, to be fair. Yeah. Yeah. What is it called? Incubus. Incubus. That sounds right to me.

There you go. It's a movie in Esperanto. He memorized his lines fanatically. You can bring your VHS copy of Incubus. Just imagine that I said that at the appropriate time and give me all the credit for it.

You're going to have to bring a Sony Watchman as well so that we can watch it. Yeah. And enjoy it. Sounds like a lot of fun. It's in Esperanto. Are you genuinely – is the idea of a solo vacation not fun to you?

I think the idea of a solo vacation where I don't have any appointments. Okay. I get that. No, I mean I'm looking forward to this. I'm very excited about this, but that's the part that makes me trepidatious. I don't want to live with myself. Sure. Just not having the world at your disposal. Yeah.

I don't know anything about Kroner. Sure. I want someone to tell you to be at a place at a time. I just want to have a couple of touch points so that I know I won't have an existential crisis along the way. Yeah, that would ruin the trip. If you have a brunch date,

you're not going to fall into an existential K-hole. Sure. Yeah. You know, circle the drain. Like, hey, save this for after brunch. Exactly. Save this for after you've gotten your Benny. But then you got a dinner appointment. Sure. Can got a dinner appointment.

Sure. Can't do it now. Can't do it now. I got to focus on that. Got to have a gravy disc. I got to check in with somebody. I'll just go to a museum for a while. Probably like a Hans Christian Andersen museum. That sounds nice.

You know what I mean? You can see the original erotic drawings of the Little Mermaid. You got it. I think they're oils. Wood cuts? Head cuts. They cuts? Head cuts. Head cuts. Head cuts.

He did do a few stipple portraits, though. Oh, okay. Which are different than head cuts. Yeah. As we've learned. Two different things. As we've learned. Don't email me about it.

Yeah. Okay. We've had a great time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Haven't we? Yeah. I think people like this kind of episode. Yeah? No, they probably don't.

They probably, yeah. Why isn't a famous person, why isn't Paul Scheer on here? Yeah. Skip this one. We'll see you next week. Where's Rob Corddry? Where is Rob Corddry? Too busy being on Ballers.

Hey, tickets on sale for our show. Hey, sorry we're not on Ballers, everybody. Wish I was on Ballers. Yeah, we're too busy balling. Yeah. Check the advanced metrics. Yeah, that's the irony of the situation. If you're balling, like us, you don't have time to be on ballers.

Nope. Too busy balling. We're too busy dropping corner threes. I'm balling, Jerry. You got it. Doesn't that sound like a Seinfeld thing that might happen? Yeah. Yeah.

We got stretch athleticism because of our advanced metrics. Sure. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. We're the Draymond Green of cocking, Jordan. Our Bluetooth-enabled cock rings will prove it. You got it. Okay.

That's it. Hey, if you're out there and you work for Bluetooth-enabled cock rings, send a couple our way. Yeah, we'll give them a shot. Yeah, the address is on the website. Yeah. Julian Burrell. Do you think, what if your wife said, what if you honestly think if you said to the wife, listen, just for fun, I'm going to'm gonna put on a bluetooth enabled cock ring for

this one what do you think she'd say well i'd have to tell her that it was i would i feel like i should just i should disclose that i'm doing it on behalf of charlie rose okay you know like because she's gonna be like who and i'm like me? Me. Okay. I'm putting on a? Yeah. So if I did that, I think she'd be cool with it. Great. I think she'd be fine with it. We love having sex together.

That's why we're married. Sure. You know? Is that the only reason? Yeah. I mean, she's a real so-and-so. One of those. Okay.

Yeah. I think we'd do it. And she's a real gadget head, too. She's a real tech guru. Yeah. Classic tech guru. Yeah. You know, she's like Walter Mossberg.

Sure. Is that his name? I don't know. Walter Journal. Yeah. All Things D. Don't know any of this. Yeah.

Sure. Let's get back to Draymond Green of fucking. That was pretty good yeah um julian burrell uh sunny d brian fernandez is our producer over in london england writing for television watch that television show he works on the royals yeah it's probably juicy it's real juicy i bet it's juicy what i understand is a very juicy program. Yeah. Live tweet it, too. People like that. I think you're going to enjoy season two. You know why?

Brian's writing on it. There you go. Yeah. Sunny D's in the front. If he's worth a salt, he'll slip in a Jordan Jesse Go reference that you can get. Your Majesty, Chip Dipson. Brian, if you're listening, do that. Do it.

Or you're fired. You are fucking fired. I hope he's listening. Yeah. What if he just doesn't listen? I don't know. What if he's never heard our show before? What if the whole time he's sitting and laughing so loud on the other side of that window,

he's laughing at tapes of Fibber McGee and Molly we got from the wireless catalog? I would be really disappointed. Okay. 206-984-4FUN. We'll see you on Reddit, MaximumFun.Reddit.com, on Facebook with the hashtag JJGo on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. And, of course, you can always watch Jordan's jokes on television on the At Midnight television.

Yeah, that's fun. That's a great thing to do. We're back from break this week. I recommend it wholeheartedly. New episodes. Yeah. So have fun. We'll see you next week

on Jordan and Jessica. Bye for now. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.