Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 389: Called to Plunder with Linda Holmes

Episode Date: August 10, 2015

NPR's Linda Holmes joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the pallet situation in MacArthur, the snacks at the TCA parties, and Linda reveals which TV network has the smelliest publicity mailers.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jessigo. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. How are you, Jordan? I'm doing great. Are you? Yeah.

Oh, you look... I'm having a great weekend so far. I have never seen you look so chill like a chill dude. And I want to say specifically, when I say that you look like a chill dude, I don't mean that you look like slovenly or something

like that, but that you have on, you have a coordinated chill dude aesthetic. It's my vibe of choice. Okay, yeah. I mean, I can see it. If I saw you, I'd say, who's that cool guy from Venice, California?

Who do you think wants to hit this joint? That guy! Yep. Hey you, get over here! Yep. Hit this. We have a guest on this week's program. Exciting. One of our favorite guests. She, of course, is a columnist for NPR.org. She is, of course, the host of NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour. A great podcast that I never miss.

A delightful podcast. She herself is delightful. Linda Holmes. Hi, Jesse. That's quite an intro. Hi, Linda. That's quite an intro. Hi, Linda. How are you? I'm fine, but now I'm going to have imposter syndrome, even worse than usual. Not at all. You are anything but an imposter. You, my dear, are the real deal.

Oh, thank you, Jesse. You are realer than real deal Holyfield. That's a wonderful endorsement. It makes me feel so warm and happy inside and if you start to lag right here's what'll happen is a trap door will open underneath you you'll fall into a chute and lake bell will seamlessly transition into play you you are now describing the way i feel like the world works yeah it's There's a trapdoor system. Yeah. Well, particularly with women, once you're over 40, you assume that that trapdoor exists everywhere you go.

Every party that you're at, every conversation that you're in, at your job, basically everywhere. You're like, well, hasn't opened up yet. So everything's good. Linda, do you know that you just wrote a bestselling book or at least a bestselling book proposal that's called The Trapdoor Syndrome? I think I've probably written 20,000 sad tweets, though. I don't know about the other thing. Just print them out. Staple them together. Yes.

This is how books are published these days from what I understand. I've tried and tried to think of a book proposal. Maybe this is what it is. Maybe it's 20,000 sad tweets about being over 40. By the way, Jordan, have you read that great book that you get in the mail that's about a guy who tries to wash dishes in every one of the 50 states? I know about that, but I haven't got it. It's a great book that you get in the mail. I bet.

It's a new definition of book. Hey, I've got some breaking news here, Jordan. Oh, my gosh. We're going to break news on the podcast? Yeah. Do you think by the – I mean, sorry. I mean, I don't want to be a nitpicker here, but we're looking to break news. We're taping this show two days before it comes out.

Is it possible that someone else will intercept this news and blast it out there on social before this airs. If there's a social blast, we could get in trouble. I know. So I just don't want you to get sued for saying it's breaking news when, you know, you don't know if it's been broken. I've got to look out for a social blast. You've got to look out for a social blast. Different news orgs have different news prize. That's priorities.

That's true. You know, a lot of local news here in Los Angeles will say if it bleeds, it leads. Sure. Here on Jordan, Jesse, go. What we usually try and say is if it floats in MacArthur Park Lake, it leads. That's a little less catchy. Yeah, but it's perfect for our show because I'll explain to you why. Because it's the last thing that I see before I come into the studio.

So it's always on my mind. Oh, okay. Yeah. Floating in MacArthur Park Lake news. For me, it's the latest copy of Swank, which I always make sure to read while floating in MacArthur Park Lake. Yeah, I have it in our tube. A copy of Swank. God, we got to go tubing in the lake sometime.

I got it. I think the problem is that it's still water. And if we want to travel at all, we'll have to be a manual thing. And it's full of little turtles. Yeah. Maybe they could push us. Yes! You're in your Disney script right now.

Yeah, it's like a beautiful Disney princess will often have squirrels and blue jays tend to her. Exactly. Help her get ready, help her collect berries. Right. But a chill dude will have an army of baby turtles push him in his inner tube across the lake while he's reading Swank. Realistically, Jordanordan maybe pounding a 40 what has horton been up to since horton came here's a who the movie came out a few years ago i think just hookers and blow basically we're offering him a job right now in show business

yeah what when we're out there tubing horton from horton here's a who is it an elephant i don't know oh shit i think what are're thinking of Yertle the Turtle. Yertle the Turtle. You're confusing your Seuss characters. Isn't there a stack of turtles in something? I have no idea. I think there's a stack of turtles. What did we have? I'm trying to think about

what we had. We had the Lorax. That's not a turtle. We had the Sneetches. That's like a tiny yellow Wilford Brimley. Yeah. We had the Sneetches. That's like a tiny yellow Wilford Brimley. Yeah. Turtle. The Sneetches are not turtles. The Sneetches are misfits.

Yeah. Or are they? Oh, maybe they're just. That's the question. Sure. Yeah. I think they are. I hate them.

The Butter Battle book is about Cold War powers. That's like Khrushchev and Nixon. I think Horton is an elephant. Yeah. Horton's an elephant. Who's a Khrushchev and Nixon. I think Horton is an elephant. Yeah, Horton's an elephant. Who's a stack of turtles then? Ibarian X, please find out what is a stack of turtles. I want those turtles to push me in the lake. Okay. Speaking of being pushed in the lake. Right. So MacArthur Park Lake is immediately outside of our studio. And it's what we look upon as we work here at maximum fun.org. And there's been this project to fill it with multicolored globes. I may have talked about this on Jordan, Jesse go in the past,

but for your benefit or for the benefit of Linda or for the benefit of anyone who's tuning in, uh, fresh, uh, and hasn't already turned it off. Um, because they were so mad that we got these Dr.

Seuss characters wrong. Yeah. I can't listen to these assholes. It's Yertle the turtle. And he is on top of a stack of turtles. I can confirm that. So he has never even worked in show business outside of the book industry, which is a real threat. It's on thin ice these days.

Okay. I mean, they're just photocopying and stapling and mailing. Sure. Okay. I mean, they're just photocopying and stapling and mailing. Sure. Okay. Floating platform news. MacArthur Park Lake. Here's the deal. They're supposed to be filling the lake with shiny painted balls from the community.

Dear community, show us your shiny painted balls. And they've put this, we talked about this recently on the show, Dear community, show us your shiny painted house. And they've put this, we talked about this recently on the show, this platform into the lake, maybe 15 feet by 35 or 40 feet, like plastic oil drums floating on plastic oil drums. Okay. Looks sort of like it's made out of those kind of plastic pallets from a warehouse. Pretty bootleg and temporary looking. Right. As evidenced by the fact that about a week after it was installed by just two guys in safety vests, it broke free from its moorings and has been floating around the lake hither and yon ever since.

Yeah. Now, from— Do you think if they were to personify this, this palette could be the focus of a Pixar movie? Yes, absolutely. Like the lost palette or— Sure, or the bird shit palette. Sure, yeah. Or the palette that birds were always shitting on. Or the sort of sad palette that mars the lake.

Yeah, and then at the the end kids learn that it's okay to be sad yeah or to be yourself sure or to let birds shit teamwork i don't know friendship yeah friendship friends till the end cue randy newman yeah i ready we could do the voice of the of the palette well no he would do the song but the voice of the palette would be like ariana grande yeah yeah i like that that's good casting not the ariana grande we're not of the palette. Well, no, he would do the song, but the voice of the palette would be like Ariana Grande. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. That's good casting.

It would not be Ariana Grande. We're not talking about a DreamWorks movie here. That's true. Gosh, that's true. It would be Jodie Foster or something. It would be someone with like, someone who could bring

some credibility to it. Okay, so. Like Zoe Defne. Well, then let's cast the palette before we move on. Who do you see? I mean, obviously it has to be someone with some like, you know, they can bring some like buzz to it.

Right. But not, you know, not somebody that seems pandering. Yeah. Not a Sevigny. Yeah. So like not, are we in agreement that this palette should have a female voice? So it can't be Sevigny. It would be, or like Zoe.

Could it be Alexa Chung? Fashion it girl, Alexa Chung. How about Zoe Deschanel? I was going to say, you know, I was going to say Deschanel. That to me seems

a little on the nose. That to me is a, is a DreamWorks choice. She's too palatable. She's too palatable. Is that your, your two on the nose? Yeah.

Yeah. Life. Um, I'm gonna say my ideal choice for the pallet is Padgett Brewster. Padgett Brewster. Padgett as pallet. From internet television's community. Yeah.

That is a great choice. Is that pretty good casting? Yes. Padgett Brewster. That's a great choice. I'm going with it. I am going good casting? Yes. Padgett Brewster. That's a great choice. I'm going with it. I I'm going to say Sam Elliott. Okay, yeah. That's a little bit of a different

vibe. Different way to go with the palette. Different way to go with the palette. Mine has a western vibe. Oh, okay. Right. Kind of a world-weary. I was going to say, yours is a more experienced palette. You know, three packs a day, whiskey. That's a palette with the weight of many barrels on it. Yeah, former Playgirl magazine world's sexiest man.

Yeah. Circa 1980. I like it. Okay. So, this is all information that we knew. I mean, we didn't know about the film pitch. We didn't know that we were all about to become millionaires. That came up organically in the room. We didn't know that Sam Elliott and Zooey Deschanel were going to be battling it out for this central important role.

Well, I mean, I think that's one of those things where they are used to getting to an audition and seeing each other. Exactly. Like they are typecast and they share a type. It's like if Jordan shows up to an audition and Josh Gad is there. Sure. It's like you get into a room and I'm sure that Zooey Deschanel is used to this. She's in there with. Right.

You know, she's in there with Chloe Sevigny. She's in there with. She's in there with like Kate Bosworth. Fashion aid girl Alexa Chung. I forget who the unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is, but that woman. Ellie Kemper. Ellie Kemper. The great Ellie Kemper. And then Sam Elliott kicks down the door.

He's like, hey, gang, nice to see you again. And they all laugh. And they're all like, damn it. Yeah. Yeah. Elliott's going to get it. On Friday, we were in the office hanging out. Sure.

And some local teens climbed onto the pallet. I'm going to call these guys 18 years old. Tufts? Yeah, semi-tough. Did they swim out to the pallet or was it semi-tough? As I said, the pallet tends to go from side to side. It tends to get caught in the little kind of corners. So it's usually up against the edge.

But we're still in the realm of pallet as opposed to pontoon. Oh, it is pontoonish. Okay. But it does not have like a pontoon. It does not appear to have a pontoon level technology. Okay. Gotcha. Just clarifying.

This is more like a huckleberry fin raft. There you go. Made from contemporary materials. There you go. This is like the Huckleberry Finn raft mixed with one of those guys that attaches weather balloons to their Barka lounger so they can fly. Or like if people on Survivor who had to do a boat race had access to garbage. Yeah. Exactly. Maybe they would put together this raft.

They don't have access to garbage on Survivor? I've never watched the show. They do, but probably not this kind of garbage. Okay. Not like plastic barrel garbage. Not like premium garbage. Not premium. Not the good shit.

Nice. Yeah, not the good shit. Yeah, go ahead. So these two teens get on. And again, I'm just going to say 18 years old, semi-tough teens. These are not teens where I would like cross the street, but they are teenage dudes, which always terrifies me unless they are actively not scary. Sure. Unless they have Dragon Ball Z t-shirts on. Exactly.

Yeah. Like unless there is a full anime cosplay going on, I am going to have some concern about any 18-year-old dude. Or they're introducing themselves to you at a con, which is a different kind of scary. You got it. Sure. Different. Go ahead. Maybe you'll kill me tonight and wear my skin.

Okay, go ahead. So they got on with their BMX bikes. Whoa. Now, number one, we all know that scary teens ride BMX bikes. Everyone knows that. Yeah. Now, granted, teen heroes also ride BMX bikes. Yeah, you're right, right, right.

Well, it depends on what color the BMX is painted. If it's black, you got yourself a villain teen. These were black BMXs. And are they in a skeleton bodysuit? Yeah, that's also a good, that's something you need to consider. They were dressed in a way that some teens, urban teens dress, which I would describe as like a low rent version of ASAP Rocky. Okay. Like a sort of asymmetrical all black clothing.

Okay. But not goth. Anyway, so. Did they jump the bikes onto the pallet? I think they just had their bikes and just stepped onto the pallet. But then the pallet dissociated itself from the shore. Sure. Because they were, like, stepping onto it, they were pushing it away.

And they were just sort of standing there relaxing, enjoying the fact that they had gone somewhere they weren't allowed to go because they were teens. Yeah. Right. And then this pallet started getting further and further from the shore. And I hear this. Colin sits over there and he just says, we have a pallet situation. Everybody. And we have two sets of binoculars for checking these situations out.

You know, whenever when shit's going down in the park, park, we got the binocs to take a look. You know, Body and X has probably had like a zoom lens on his camera. Looking down there, he always carries a sports zoom with him. You know, a 10-footer on a pole. And they start to float away. And then, so there's a skinny one and a husky one. Okay. And the skinny one, he's too cool to be concerned about the fact that this thing is floating away.

But the husky one is starting to sweat it a little bit. Sure. You know, like he's concerned. Story checks out. He's like, hey, now I couldn't see what they were saying to each other although i was looking at them through binoculars out of my office window as you do sure i mean i could basically infer that the conversation that they were having was something like this uh the cool guy says, eh. And then the husky one goes, hey, man, our barge is floating away. So they're up to, like, maybe 10, 12 feet away.

Sure. They will have to, they can't jump back. They will have to, like, get in the water if they want to. Yeah, and if they want to keep their bikes, they're either going to have to swim with their bikes, jump in the water, grab the rope that's attached to the edge of the platform thing, and swim it like a dolphin pulling Poseidon's chariot. Or scream for help. So, exactly, which they are not going to do. Right. If there is one thing that these teens are not going to do, it is ask for help. So, exactly. Which they are not going to do. Right. If there's one thing that these teens

are not going to do, it is ask for help from someone. This was abundantly clear. These were not help askers. Yeah. So the husky guy gets the idea that if he sort of jumps, not quite jumps, but pumps up and down

on the corners of the platform he can like operate the entire thing like a wave generator and push it towards the edge. It's not a bad strategy. But he's going, number one, he's going to the corners. Yeah. Number two, he's just going up and down. Right. Number three, the skinny guy is just sitting in the middle.

Yeah. Just, like, pitying his friend for trying to save him. Sure. There's not a paddling option? They can't... They're not going to put their hands in. The water is very gross. I've been in the water for a stunt, and it is distinctly gross.

Fair. When you bring your hand out of the water, it's just covered in discarded needles. Exactly. And also, you know, these's just covered in discarded needles. Yeah, exactly. And also, you know, these guys are wearing their best, you know, Ross Dress for Less, Rick Owens fake clothes. So they don't want to, like, put their arm in the water. Sure. You know, which I can understand.

I don't want to put my arm in the water either. Once again, it looks uncool. And also there's— There might be girls watching as Jordan's doing it. Sure. You don't know how many Myrtle the Turtles there are in there. Is that his name? I'd say it's Yertle. Yertle. Myrtle the Yertle?

Yes. That's classic. Myrtle the Yertle. That thing everyone knows what it is. Yes. Myrtle the Yertle. So they're jumping up and down. The husky one's jumping up and down on the husky ones, jumping up and down on the corner.

And basically all he succeeds in doing is kind of making it turn slowly clockwise, this sort of 30-foot long platform, like very slowly. Is this sort of going to end with him dying? Yes. Like you coming back the next day and just there's two skeletons out there with two bikes. Also the bikes are skeletons too. It's the skeleton of a bike. They kept saying

they couldn't abandon... He said, I can't abandon me gold. Sure, yeah. You're just reading lips at this point, but you think

it sounds like... He said, I can't abandon me gold. Did I say that they were wearing sort of... I said that they were

kind of wearing like Derek Lamb, Rick Owens. You described there. Just pirates. Oh, okay. Puffy sleeves and puffy pants. Right. Gold hoop earring, missing teeth. Right.

That kind of thing. Eye patch. Parrot on the shoulder. I mean, it's tough for pirates to – I mean, I'm imagining that, you know, because these pirates were out here, they were like reformed pirates who would like, you know, move to move to the city to like start anew. Right. And it's really tough when you're a pirate and you walk by anything that's floating.

Right. Your instinct. Right. Yeah. Is to plunder it. You get that call. You get that pull, you know. That's what they say.

Pirates, pirates are born of the calling to plunder. Sure. They are called to plunder. You don't choose to plunder. You are called to plunder. Right, on a bike. It's like becoming a nun. Sure.

Yes. So the husky guy. Right. Is spinning it in a circle. Right. Which is not productive. Right. is spinning it in a circle, which is not productive, then he and the skinny one get in a disagreement.

Because there's no benefit. Because the husky guy thinks they're one other guy pogoing up and down on the corner away from a fucking speedboat. He's like, I'm so close to fixing this if you would only go up and down on the corner away from a fucking speedboat. Like I'm so close to me to fixing this. Yes. If you would only go up and down on your corner, we are only eight feet away. Are you sure that's what they were arguing about? Do you think it was just that one of them preferred Ted Cruz to rant Paul? That's also possible.

Like one of them, one of them was more of a libertarian. One of them was more of a constitutionalist. Yeah, I think that's possible. No, let's not assume what these teens are arguing about. Maybe it's a paramour, a shared paramour. Or maybe they're arguing about the paramour. Like, hey, you know what?

I haven't brought this up to you, but now when we're stranded out on this pallet, it seems like a good time. I wanted to ask Debbie to the dance. And you knew that, but you asked her anyway. Jordan, can I say one thing about your brand Paul Ted Cruz thing? Sure. I kind of think it's sexist that you didn't assume that one of them might be arguing on behalf of Carly Fiorina. No, you know what?

You know the ink magnate? Yeah. Former ink magnate Carly Fiorina? You know what? It magnate? Yeah. Former ink magnate, Carly Fiorina. You know what? It was sexist of me. And, you know, I'm going to unpack my privilege here. Yeah. And this is a deeply held belief of mine, and I'm sorry if you guys think it's sexist, but I just don't think women can be Republicans.

Yeah. I don't think they have the necessary upper body strength to be Republicans. Plus, once a month, I'm not going to keep. You get a visit from old Joe Biden, which is what I call a period. You get that Biden between your legs. Old Joe. Sure. Old Joe Biden.

Jumps on the Amtrak to menstruation town. He's got those monster choppers. Yeah. So sorry. Okay. So the issue – clearly the issue is – and they are kind of getting closer. So at this point, they're maybe six, eight feet out, whereas at their peak, they were maybe 10, 15 feet out. And it's clear that the one guy, the skinny guy, is not going to get involved.

Like he is – his choices are either it's going to solve itself or he's going to be a skeleton with a cobweb from the eye socket to the nose hole. And one of them is clearly by this time seeing the other one as a big ham. Yes. Oh, yeah. Exactly. And he tucks a napkin into his shirt. They're trying to water. They're wondering if you can drink turtles.

Yeah, exactly. So the chunky guy gives up and sits down. And then the wind picks up and starts blowing it towards the edge, which is like – it was beautiful. The synchronicity of it moving itself and him stop jumping up and down, pouring flop sweat. Oh, I should mention, by the way, 90 degrees outside. Yeah, sure. Not jumping weather. Then there was a second magical moment, which was they're about three and a half, four feet out, and it's kind of slowed.

And they're looking at this distance, and they're trying to decide, from my binocularized vantage point, trying to decide if they can jump the gap. But the problem is they have their bikes. So then you see them like thinking about trying to throw their bikes. But I think they, if, you know, given their sophisticated understanding of physics, they know they throw their bikes, it's going to push them back. Probably. And so, Linda, you're a television critic, not a physicist. I don't mean to sound skeptical. I'm just listening to the story.

If the airplane is on a conveyor belt and it's moving as fast. I've seen this Mythbusters. So they start and then they kind of give up again. And then they get on their bikes. And then they get on their bikes and we're like, oh, my God, are they going to fucking jump the gap on their bikes? This is amazing. Like at this point. There's no ramp on this thing. It's just a flat surface.

Yes. OK. A 100 percent flat. So they're doing the bus jump in speed. Yeah. They're doing a. Yeah, they're doing a – I think they're imagining whatever the bicycle version of Tony Hawk Pro Skater is. Like their plan is – If you just hold X enough.

Yeah. So – You get enough pop to get over that. At this point in our office – Are you sure? Maybe it's not – it sounds like at this point it's just a Thelma and Louise thing. Oh, yeah. Sure. They know. They're like, well, we've had a Thelma and Louise thing. Oh, yeah. They know.

They're like, well, we've had a good run. That's possible. They hold hands. Do you think that they were arguing about who was better, Thelma or Louise? Yes. So at this point, like, our entire office is absolutely wrapped. And when they get on the bicycles. Did anyone think about going down to help them?

No. What would we do? Throw them a rope. You guys keep a length of rope around, right? Well, we do have some life preservers. Sure. But they're pretty cool. Maybe hold out a rake or something.

We have a nautical theme here in the office. Someone can grab the rake. Yeah. Yeah, we were not going to help them. They did not want our help. Again, there were people walking past. Maybe just help them with their podcast. And they were kind of giving them the gas face.

Because these are teens. Teens do not. Sure. Number one, I don't know if you know this, but teens think they're invincible. Number two, teens think they're going to live forever. Number three, teens love to smoke cigarettes. Yeah. They get on their bikes and at this point, like, Lindsay Pavlis, our donor relations coordinator, and Julia, who works on Judge John Hodgman and Bullseye, are, like, full-on, like, girlish applause because they're so excited about this jump.

And I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't myself. But then they're not doing, like, they're doing that kind of thing where they're, like, going up to the corner and then going back and going up. We're sort of rolling up and rolling back like gauging. But then they stop. It's like, what the fuck? Like, just do the jump already. Getting blue balls over here. And then they just stand there for so I could jerk off.

Then they just stand there for another three minutes while it sort of floats slowly towards the shore. And they get off on their bikes as it literally touches the shore. Like they wait, like they roll and they don't ride their bikes. They walk their bikes, but on top of it. And then they just give each other a tender kiss on the lips and then ride in opposite directions. Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry you didn't get to see two teens jump a pallet. So anyway, all this is breaking news.

I've seen more exciting rainbows out the window at NPR. Don't play like at NPR. They don't go on the PA to make announcements about the bees. They do. I believe they just harvested the first jar of honey. Really? From the bees. Wait, wait, hold on.

A jar? Does NPR have its own bees now? Yeah. Last time I was here, we spoke a little bit about that. You didn't hear NPR relocated to Portland, Oregon? I the bees. Wait, wait, hold on. A jar? Does NPR have its own bees now? Yeah. Last time I was here, we spoke a little bit about that. You didn't hear NPR relocated to Portland, Oregon? I guess so. We have bees on the roof. And a chicken coop.

We do not have a chicken coop, but we do have bees. Wow. And I believe they just, it takes a while for bees to actually make honey for you. They're really getting to bluegrass lately. Yeah. So I believe they just, someone just posted to Twitter that they were entrusted with the first jar of honey. I don't know who it was. Everyone sits on hay bales. Yeah. Yeah. So I believe they just, someone just posted to Twitter that they were entrusted with the first jar of honey. I don't know who it was. Everyone sits on hay bales. Yeah. Yeah. Who gets the, oh, I bet that's a real. The bride comes in on a horse. It's a real power struggle

at NPR is who gets that first jar of honey. I mean, it certainly wasn't me. Yeah. It certainly wasn't me. I want that honey. Yeah. I want me at honey. You know why? You're probably pretty far back in the line. I bet like A, Terry Gross can probably just come in and snatch a jar of whatever. I was far back in the line until I found myself with a dead pharaoh on my hands. You've got to pump it full of honey to preserve it. Oh, there you go. In the sarcophagus. You're like, I need this.

I know you're probably just going to use it to sweeten your peppermint tea, but I need it too. Yeah. Come, there you go. In the sarcophagus. You're like, I need this. I know you're probably just going to use it to sweeten your peppermint tea, but I need it too. Come on, Guy Raz. Where's your sarcophagus? Yeah. You're not making a mummy. I bet Arun Rath

just has his head stuck in the jar like Winnie the Pooh. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. Hi, I'm Mark and I'm Hal. And we're the hosts of, we got this. The show that offers definitive answers to dumb debates that you suggest. Every Wednesday,

we discuss the hot button topics. You never knew you cared so much about like whether you should pick ketchup on a hot dog. What's the best star Wars movie, whether it's better to be too hot or too cold, Coke or Pepsi best Marvel movie, which is the best religion. I told you we're not doing that one. So join us every week on maximum fun.org.

And don't worry, everyone. We got this. We got this. We got this. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Linda Holmes, Quaker Avenger.

Really? Yes. Is that your name from last time? Yes. Carryover? Yes. Good. Consistency.

I like that. I remember it well. It's important to help build a brand. I am all about branding myself. That's why I went into public media. Take notes, Glenn Weldon. Glenn Weldon's listening right now. He's got to learn how to build a brand.

Oh, that guy. He's so much smarter than me. Crazy. Ironically, you know who can't build a brand? Madeline Brand. You know who can, though? The Americana at Brand. Local shopping center.

Yeah. On Brand Boulevard in Glendale. local shopping center on Brand Boulevard in Glendale. So Linda, you are here for TCA and I'm glad you're making it a tradition to come visit us

while you're here. TCA is the Television Critics Association. Right. And they have like an extravaganza once a year. It's not so much an extravaganza

as it is a very long series of press conferences. So they bring in all the new shows and the networks come in. They do panels. We all sit in a big giant room. It's actually the same room where they do the Golden Globes. But it is substantially less festive during this period of time. And if you're lucky, Amy Poehler might be there.

Yeah. And they bring in all the cast and creators of the new shows and sometimes old shows. And then you get to ask them all kinds of questions. And they usually they have executive sessions where like the president of ABC will come and take questions and the president of FX and stuff like that. Oh, the president of FX. That guy's like a thing, right? Yes. He like tells it like it is.

Yes. He spoke to us. And follows his gut. As we tape this, he spoke to us yesterday and announced that there is too much television. He said less television. He said that he expects 2015 or 2016 to be what he called peak television in the United States, which by which he meant sheer proliferation as opposed to quality. And he said that he expected it then to go back in the direction of kind of some consolidation because there's so much stuff now. I am glad that he announced the Archer spinoff in time because thank God.

Is there an Archer spinoff? Yeah. I didn't know that. It's from the creator of Archer. Just about Pam? Oh, God. I would totally watch the Pam show in a second. I would watch the Pam show too.

It's from – Adam Reid and Megan Gantz,'s from Adam Reed, the creator of Archer. And Megan Gantz, formerly of Community, before she worked at Modern Family. And of The Onion, long ago. Oh, neat. And stars Susan Sarandon, Caitlin Olsen, just like 12 amazing people. Jeffrey Tambor. Cool. Just everyone that you want.

It's just everything you want in a television show. It's like a post-apocalyptic Thelma and Louise, apparently. Oh, great. Oh, that'd be cool. Thelma and Louise talk on the show today.

I know, right? So can I, for some reason, I'm really hung up on the fact that like different networks have different things and that the parties have different characters. Yes. Like everybody does it a little bit differently. Yeah.

I mean, it's the networks at the end of the day typically will have some kind of like cocktail party or, you know, event. And if it's PBS, for example, we heard a lovely performance from Chita Rivera. Because PBS is doing a tribute to her in a little while. So she came and sang with a little combo. Oh, that's nice. It was very charming. Do you have to show an AARP card to get into the PBS event? No. Actually, the PBS, to be honest, the PBS press tour days, and I missed one of their two days this year because I hopped out of town.

Chita Rivera featuring Mark Russell. I hopped out of town, which I will explain also. But I missed one of the PBS days. But the PBS days usually have, like, very interesting people compared to a lot of the rest of the stuff that you see at tour. Like, PBS will bring in, like, I mean, PBS brought Norman Lear this time because they're doing American Experience I think. It's American – no. American Masters. Yes, American Masters.

The American Experience is the – something else. Anyway, so they brought Norman Lear, which I did not get to see, but I was very bummed about that. Many years they bring Ken Burns. They didn't do that this year, but he's always very interesting to hear. So the PBS panels – oh, yeah. Oh, he's an unbelievably smart dude. He's more than just a haircut, you're saying. Yeah, we'll see. So one time I actually interviewed him and we started chatting and it was when he was doing the 10th inning, which was the add on to the baseball series. And we chatted. And for the first like half of it, I think they had allotted me like 20, 25 minutes and we wound up talking for like almost an hour.

And the first chunk of it, like he's doing the like baseball is the national character and kind of this like the kind of his regular thing about baseball and he explains why baseball and all that. Then he figured out that I watched enough baseball and had been to enough baseball games that I would actually know what he was talking about if he spoke specifically about baseball. And then it became a much more specific conversation about like catchers and pitchers and stadiums. He had been going to a bunch of different stadiums. So far, this all checks out. Those are baseball terms. But we talked about- Sacrifice bunts.

But we talked about- The wheel play. I just mean specific things. Ice cream and a tiny helmet. I just mean- You know, baseball shit. I mean specific things and players and stadiums as opposed to the general baseball is the character of America and all that stuff.

Can I tell you what? I'm going to drop some controversy on you. I'm not a Ken Burns man. All right. I'm a Rick Burns man. I get that. That's fine, too. Yeah.

That's fine, too. Who's Rick Burns? That's his brother who also makes documentary films for PBS. Wow. That's true. Yeah. They're part of a legacy. He made my favorite American experience, Into the

Deep. I've not seen that one. And my other favorite American experience, Coney Island. Anyway, so the PBS days are usually good, but that's what the PBS performances will be like. Are there hors d'oeuvres? Yeah, sure. Consistently? Are there consistent

hors d'oeuvres throughout the day? I don't think I could deal with this if I didn't have consistent hors d'oeuvres throughout the day? I don't think I could deal with this if I didn't have consistent hors d'oeuvres. Yeah. I mean, they give you snacks and stuff. They feed you mostly because they don't want people to leave. They want people to go off campus to eat lunch, so they serve lunch. What are we talking about? Bacon wrap dates?

No, no. I mean, during the day, it's usually candy. During the day, they just— They just hurl tiny Snickers at you? During the day, they'll give you candy. They'll give you cat snacks. They treat those television critics like the lonely nine-year-olds they once were. Well, there was a day we got there to Fox and they had given us candy and crayons and a coloring book.

We were like, this seems passive aggressive to me. But that's okay. So yeah, so usually they'll have a party in the evening. And the parties are all a little bit different. Like the CBS party, they usually bring a lot of people. Like they produce a lot of talent for people to talk to and interview. Because that's what the parties are for. So you're hobnobbing.

You're hobnobbing, but you're also like interviewing people. Are you on the record? Yeah, I mean you walk up to people with your little recorder and you say, can I interview you for five minutes? You're on the record with John Cryer. Yeah. Whatever. Captain Kuchar. For example.

That's literally the only CBS talent I can name. What even shows are on CBS? Well, the new Stephen Colbert show will be on CBS. They'll be paneling that. Is he not going to run? They'll be paneling. He's on the tip sheet. Our friend Brian Stack around?

That's who you got to talk to. You got to find Brian Stack. He's working on that. Anyway, so the CBS party's like that. The ABC party is in the hotel, which is always a little bit quieter. And usually fewer people come,

only the people who are on the panels during the day, whereas CBS brings, like, everybody. So, yeah, all the parties are a little bit different. The Fox party is at Soho House. Oh, okay. I've never been there. I hear that's a lot of fun. Fox party is a nice party, but way too hot and crowded.

I sort of bolted because I started to be like, oh, I'm not having a panic attack, but this is how it feels right before I have a panic attack. When do – where does stuff get crazy? Like when do, when do people cut loose? At what networks? Yeah, like let's say I was at the, Linda, let's say I was at the Television Critics Association. Yeah. And I was not turnt. But I wanted to become turnt or even crunk.

There's not a lot of cutting loose. Really? I mean, I'm not going to lie. Not even Tim Goodman from The Hollywood Reporter? I love Tim. He's a very good dude. But mostly— David Bianculli from TVWorthWatching.com?

I know. He gets turnt. I have met him. I have never seen him get turnt at TCA. I don't—it's not a big, like—for one thing, everybody's working. Like, you don't want to get bombed because then in the morning you're not really going to want to come at 830 and listen to an executive talk about the fall schedule. You know, Alessandra Stanley from The New York Times gets turned. They never come to this.

They never come to. I've never really. I should. Bill Carter used to come. But other than that, I don't think they come. I guess I have a I have a I have a vested interest. How does Comedy Central do with these? Oh, good don't think they come. I could be wrong. I guess I have a vested interest. How does Comedy Central do with these? Oh, good.

They do some panels. They paneled Trevor Noah came. Cool. And we also saw him do stand-up the second night of the thing. They took us out to a venue, which I'm not going to remember the name of. Sounds somewhat funny. And we saw. It was good.

It was a it was a it was a fun night. And then the next day they did a panel on the show and they did Comedy Central does its panels with the other Viacom stuff. So it was like with the MTV stuff. It was like, here's the new Ja Rule reality show. And then Trevor Noah. Right. So it was like that.

So, yeah, they do some they do some stuff. Yeah. Here's Trevor Noah and some teen moms. Here's the latest pregnant teens who you're going to be following. Yeah. What is on MTV these days? Is it still Teen Mom? Oh, God, I'm not going to know.

Catfish? Catfish, sure. That's on there. I know that because the Silver Fox guy from my photography class at the Barnstall Art Center, his children were in charge of Catfish. One of them was the host and one of them was the director. Oh, funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I watch Catfish. It's not very good.

Catfish, to me, the couple of Catfishes I watched, and I understand what's compelling about it. Like, I got it. But the amount of editing gymnastics they have to do to make that shit an hour is audacious. I feel like in the one I watched the narrative

stopped and for a commercial break you just watch the hosts play a game of pick up basketball with local teens. And then the next commercial they were You just watch the hosts play a game of pick up basketball with local teams and then commercial. And then the next commercial, they were continuing the story of the catfishing. I'm like, what was that basketball thing? Why did I just watch them play basketball?

Jordan, that was the movie Space Jam. And that wasn't the host. It was the Monstars. It was the Monstars. I'll tell you what I resent about Catfish. It was the Monstars. It was the Monstars. Okay. I'll tell you what I resent about Catfish.

Please. Is the – Catfish has a way of – the person who does the catfishing, the person who pretends to be someone else is always the bad guy in the story. Catfish is a thing – is this right? It's where a redneck reaches into a pond and pulls out a catfish. Yeah. To a pond and pulls out a catfish. Okay. Yeah. No, catfish is where someone pretends to be someone else online and develops a relationship with the person. And then theoretically on catfish, what they're doing is they're contacted by the person who's like, I want to know whether this person I've been talking to is really who they say they are.

And then they go find out. But actually what's happening presumably. Well, rumor has had it, and I have not done any reporting around this. If you want me to check with Sheldon, I'll check with Sheldon. No, no. But rumor has had it that more often they actually find the person who's pretending to be someone else, and then they get in touch with the person who they're fooling. Gotcha. And that's how they actually – I don't know.

The old reverse catfish. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I know that trick. But the thing that I find offensive about catfish is they're always willing – Is the N-word the constant stream of the N-word? They're always willing to kind of interrogate the morality of pretending to be someone else. But when someone says, oh, well, now this person who I told you

I was in love with from all these conversations online, now I don't like at all because I found out what they look like. Like, nobody ever says to them, like, so she was right when she said

you would never have talked to her if you knew what she looked like. Sure. And you were responsible for that part. Like, very often they frame the entire show as, like, real love

or secretly fat person. Which I call it a personal bias, but which I find a little bit offensive that they do not interrogate it at all from the other person's point of view. Sure. Yeah. Did you? OK. But also the whole story could be done in four minutes. Absolutely. Right.

Exactly. What about this? Let me ask you this, Linda. Is there isn't there a Hallmark Channel Christmas party? Oh, there is. Well, it wasn't a Christmas party this year, but yeah, last year it was a Christmas in July. What? Come on. This year was just a plain old Hallmark party.

Because Hallmark is known for its movies. It's Christmas movies where Dean Cain will rescue a puppy from an evil fireman. Yeah, there was a very good one where Brandon Routh played a fireman. Okay, so only men who have been Superman can appear in these movies. Is that where Brandon Routh is at now? It's only been like three years. I'm telling you.

Routh is now on these CWDC shows. Yeah. So not quite as embarrassing as Hallmark movie. A little embarrassing. But he was great in it. He was really charming in it. And I really, it was a very good example of the genre. But yes.

Of Ralph? Oh, well, of Hallmark movies. Ralph Corrad. So Hallmark. Ralph Corrad. That's what fashion it girl Alexa Chung has been pushing lately. So Hallmark always has a party. They had a party this year and they always have like a sit-down dinner, which is different from what most of the other places do.

That's nice. They have like a big sit-down dinner. Soup salad? Yeah. And then they stand up in the middle and then they give a presentation. In the middle of your dinner? Yeah. And while you're eating dinner, they give presentations.

Not physically. Temporally. Yeah. eating dinner. They give presentations. Temporally. Yeah. And they say, coming this December is Candace Cameron Bure will be in Love at Christmas. And then she stands up and waves and everybody claps.

And not the reporters, but the Hallmark people all clap for her. And then, you know, they go through everybody and then they say, oh, now the cast of Cedar Cove. And they stand up and salute those people. And they make it. It's like a big Hallmark company party or something. You know what would be dope? Talent show. Oh, yeah.

How come none of these channels are running a talent show? Sure. You get to see the guy, the woman in charge of casting. You get to see her do a ribbon dance. No, I want to see Brandon Routh sing. Oh, okay. Well, every now and then they try, if they're doing a show that lends itself to it, like if they're having a show like about singing or dancing, they'll do a little performance at the beginning of the panel. But the horrible thing about it, though, is that the critics have a rule at these panels.

You're there as a journalist, so you don't clap. So the problem is you have a performance and it ends and nobody claps. And it is the weirdest feeling in that room. Weird. Journalists aren't allowed to clap? Not at press conferences. You don't really clap at press conferences. Oh, yeah. So sometimes what they'll do, some of the channels- But if it's a show. Well, and sometimes they do if it's like a child or something like that.

You don't just mad dog this child as it's getting off stage. Are they allowed to laugh at jokes? Yes. Oh, absolutely. There's lots of laughing. Even if they're at press conferences? Yes. There's lots of laughing at jokes.

But sometimes when the channel will introduce everyone, they'll be like, and now the cast. And they'll introduce them one at a time while they walk out on stage. And you can see if they've never done it before. You can see them look around like, what the hell is going on here? Why do you hate me? Why are you being introduced one person at a time if you're not going to give us our little applause? So I don't know. So that's what it's like.

It's cool. It's no clapping press conferences. So no one gets turnt? Like the last night. The last night. Can I ask you a question? Maybe they get turnt after I go to bed. If no one gets turnt, does anyone get turnt?

Does anyone become a vampire? Not that I know of. But again, maybe after I go to sleep. Okay. You know? Are there maybe some after-after parties? There very well may be. I have a feeling there are sometimes people who are in the hotel bar after I am asleep.

Okay. John Cryer. Who knows? Who knows? It's possible. Let's all go up to Cryer's room. Linda, can I ask a TV-adjacent, a TV question, not explicitly about the TCR. Can I ask you a TV-adjacent question? A TV question, not explicitly about the TCR. Can I ask you a TV-adjacent question?

What do you know about VCRs? Because mine's always Flash at 12. I don't know what to do. What is going on this season in the world of The Bachelor and or Bachelorette? Do you know? Is that something you follow? I watch it. Okay.

What is going on right now currently is that they are in the middle of showing Bachelor in Paradise, which is the seedier cousin of the Bachelor and Bachelorette. Okay. Which is like a show

where they go dump a bunch of people who were... Dump a bunch of bodies in a river. And then hopefully two of the bodies get married.

It's a spin-off of Catfish. They dump a bunch of people on an island. And I really appreciate the fact that you used dump here because it really accents the contestants on these shows as human garbage to be dumped at a resort. The show basically puts all these people at a resort. And then somehow they're all supposed to hook up with each other or something like that. I kind of tune it out. But, yeah, Bachelor in Paradise.

That's on right now. I had this coworker who watched The Bachelor with his wife. And I really always liked hearing his recaps. I would always like to ask him, say, hey, Chris, what happened on The Bachelor last night? It was really fun. And it's definitely not something I would watch on my own but I really love the idea of this guy being and I'll you know I'm I'm perhaps there's some gendering going on and what I'm about to say but this guy like enjoying this show that is clearly made for his wife. Oh, yeah. But like being fucking all in.

Yes. Loving it. Being really excited about it. Them sharing this. It was a beautiful like endorsement of marriage to me. And I liked hearing about it. Not necessarily because like I was interested in what was going on on The Bachelor. But I'm like here's people who are making it work.

Like here is. Was your co-worker Griffin McElroy my brother? Oh, he also watches The Bachelor, doesn't he? Yeah, he's a Bachelor enthusiast of the first order. There are a good number of those guys. I'm not saying that like, but I'm not saying a guy can't enjoy The Bachelor. I don't think a guy, a single man. I hear what you're saying.

Would. I just don't want to get yelled at on the air. No, no, no. The best thing that is going on right now in the world of The Bachelor and Bachelorette is the show Unreal on Lifetime, which is a – Oh, I've heard that script. Which is set in the world of – I'm curious about watching that. Is that something that a single dude can enjoy with no wife making him watch it?

Well, again, it is aimed, I think, at women. It is on Lifetime. It is a show that is set in the world of The Bachelor and Bachelorette. But it is very good. It's very good. I like that show a lot. And I hear maybe we're getting some cable top of the butt in that, too. It could be.

It could very well be. You never know. Ooh, Sipowicz style. Yeah, I like a little cable top of the butt. Like, let's see how much butt we can show here on cable. Yeah, I can't say that I remember perfectly exactly how top of the butt. Like, let's see how much butt we can show here on cable. Yeah, I don't know. I can't say that I remember perfectly exactly how much of that there was. But, you know, it's a show for grownups.

But, yeah, said co-worker moved on and I'm, like, really missing my kind of weekly Bachelor Bachelorette updates. Yeah. It's a void. It's a social show. I mean, if somebody told me, like, I watched The Bachelor and Bachelorette and I never talked to anyone about it, I'd be like, that seems not fun. This is incorrect. Yeah. That seems not fun.

As long as you've got a crowd to talk to. I feel the same way about the NFL draft. Yes. I think that is a very fair comparison. I like it. Social only. How many buttons do they have on their suits on The Bachelor? Because they got a lot of them on the NFL

draft. Yeah, it's, you got a lot of, speaking of getting turnt, you got a lot of drunk people on The Bachelorette. Tend to. Tend to. Bachelor and Bachelorette are highly lubricated shows. It appears. It always appears. Plus blow. Also maybe

some blow. Don't have any idea. Wouldn't say. Wouldn't say. So if you were to say – We'll ask David. Yeah. If you were to, in general, taking into account all of these things, hors d'oeuvres, drinks, getting turnt, who. Yes. Who does the best job at TCA? Who can, who do you, is there, is there a clear winner?

Substantively, it's FX. Okay. Because they bring interesting panels. They have a very, usually a very interesting executive session. That's where we heard that there's too much television. They have, they have a lot of people who try to make it easier for you to do your job, which is like, they will get you, they help you find people for interviews and stuff like that. I'll tell you, I'll tell you. You got to go.

It's like, well, I don't know. You can try and drag James Woods out of the men's room if you want to. I'll tell you this about FX. They put together a hell of a mailer. Yeah. If you are looking for a premium mailer with actual information in it, that is also looks like they spent about one book budget worth of money on design, you're going to want to go to FX. Although sometimes they smell really bad. The mailers.

The mailers. Sometimes it seems to have improved somewhat. That's because James Woods got his hands on them. For a while, it seemed like they were using some kind of like – I can't believe I'm talking about this. For a while, it seemed like they were using some kind of like – I can't believe I'm talking about this. For a while, it seemed like they were using some kind of toxic glue or something like that. A Seinfeld-style toxic glue. You would open the package and it would be like, okay, I have to go throw this away in a trash can nowhere near my desk because it was so – I don't know. It was the glue.

It was something – I actually spoke to one of their publicity folks and I said, I got to tell you, they smell so bad. And he said, you're not the first person to tell me that. And I was like, that is impressive. That is impressive. That's impressive toxic glue. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Jordan and Jesse Go, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morse, Boy Detective.

Linda Holmes, Quaker Avenger. Sponsor on this week's program. Jordan, have you heard a lot of bad news from the world of elephants lately? I will. The elephant-related animals, yes. Yeah. So I got some good news for you. I would love to hear some good news.

It is this. I got some good news for you. I would love to hear some good news. It is this. The Nature Conservancy is running a project to raise money for all their work in Africa protecting elephants from poachers. So this is a special thing. We have a listener who works at the Nature Conservancy, got in touch with us about this program. Basically, they are making what they are calling elegrams, which is elephant Instagrams or tweets.

Sure. They also accept tweets. Yeah. Elegram's sticky, though. I like it. Yeah, I like elegram, too. So basically... Ele-tweets,

eh, that doesn't have the ring to it. Elegram is elegant. Their goal is to make, is to have you make an elephant, take a picture of it, and upload it

at nature.org slash elegram, or post it on Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag elegram. You don't have to be good at making it. They want to make it very clear. You don't have to be a talented artist. They have some suggestions here what you can make your elegram out of. Paint, Play-Doh, food, rocks, whatever.

I'd like to see a pretzel elephant. Oh, that would be fun. That's my interest. Anyway, the thing is, if they get 20,000 people to do it, they get $150,000 in donations from a couple of big donors who have put this up. I would love to see some Elegrams online. Yeah, they have 2,000, 2,000 left. They want to get to you there by the end of August. 2,000 left to get to their goals.

So go to nature.org slash elegram for instructions. You can see examples. And put JJ Go in there, too. Yeah, throw it on. Yeah. We like this. It'll make it easier for us to see the elephants. Nice to have a sponsor that's a charity working on behalf of elephants.

I like it. You know what I mean? I'm for it. It's fun. Yeah. And, hey, we have very creative listeners. I think they've proven that time and time again. Yeah.

That they come through when it comes to creativity. Yeah. Let's see some elegrams. Hashtag it elegram. Yeah. Nature.org slash elegram. If you want to sponsor Jordan Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org or go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron to get up on the Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, point detective. Linda Holmes, Quaker la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, point detective. Linda Holmes, Quaker Avenger. Okay, here's the situation. Our producer, Brian Fernandez, is busy working on a television show that, quote, unquote, pays him a, quote, unquote, living wage in London, England, where he's probably busy eating chicken tikka masala and fish and chips. Anyway, the point here is Brian is 7,000 miles away. Ibarian X is running the board today,

our production fellow here at MaximumFun.org. But Brian sent him some files. We do not know what these files are. So normally I would either be ramping up to either talk about summer boy stuff. I'd be talking to momentous occasion stuff. I'd be talking about another like fun feedback. This is the kind of guidance that I as a listener rely on. Exactly. That's the kind of guidance that I take pride in providing to the audience as a professional podcast and radio host. Right. But we have no idea what is in these files. These could literally be,

you know, this could be audio of Orson Welles recording the voiceover for a commercial and swearing. God, I hope so. That would be great.

This could be... That's the original viral video. You got it. So let's play the first one. Oh, I'm sorry, the Hindenburg disaster.

That's the original viral video. Let's play the first one and see what happens. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Ben from Philadelphia, and I am calling from beautiful Cape Hatteras National Seashore in North Carolina. My family and I had a great week here at the shore and did all sorts of summer boy stuff.

Got a playable pool volleyball. I've got inflatable pool volleyball. We've got red snapper hunting, eating all kinds of grilled meats, smoking all kinds of cigars, all kinds of really fun stuff like that. But significantly, and I think especially

to Jordan's interest, I've been sourcing wood for and painting driftwood Santas. So I feel like that's a real fun activity that also maybe needs some Steel Santa guidelines.

Additionally, my brother and I have become junior park rangers. So we've gone to the visitor center. We've filled out all the information.

This guy's clearly 40 years old, right? Typically for people up to 13, I'm 31. He's center. We've filled out all the information. This guy's clearly 40 years old, right? Typically for people up to 13, I'm 31. He's 30. We've done all the puzzles, the games. You're supposed to draw Blackbeard and his costume while I've drawn Blackbeard wearing your trademark summer boy tee. And his Jolly Roger is, of course, a hot dog catching a wave saying Ad Astra. So we took the Junior Ranger pledge at Summer Boys in Summer Boy tea.

God damn it. Ibarri next press stop. This guy's talking too much. Sunday morning. This guy. Let me give you a revised version of that call, Jordan. Yeah. Hi, I became a junior park ranger, and I'm sourcing wood for a hot dog catching some waves.

Boom. Done. Man, I'm making driftwood Santas. I thought that was very compelling. No, that is not summer boy shit. What do you not like about that? Think about it. Which says summer boy to you, Santa Claus or a hot dog catching a wave? I think we can keep the spirit of giving in our hearts year round.

Bullshit! Sorry if you want to relegate the spirit of giving to two months a year. Well, three months because those decorations keep coming out earlier and earlier. Thank you very much. 24 hours a year for me. Then I am done with the spirit of giving. You know who believes in Christmas in the summertime? Santa.

Hallmark Channel. Thank you. I think Mr. in Christmas in the summertime? Santa. Hallmark Channel. Thank you. I think Mr. Brandon Routh would agree with me. WWHCD is what you're saying. And I like the idea of that, you know, driftwood is, you know, it evokes the beach. It evokes summertime. And a driftwood sculpture is something you definitely would buy during the summer. But I like saying, fuck it.

Let's make a Santa out of this. I think there's something. I'm with you 100% on this guy needed to edit this. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I haven't talked about. Write drunk, edit sober. That's what someone said. Let's go Hemingway.

I haven't talked about keeping it pithy lately. So in part, it's on me. This guy didn't realize he was supposed to keep it pithy. And he delivered that punchless litany of minor activities for seven minutes before he even mentioned hot dogs catching waves.

Yeah. By the time the Junior Park Rangers came along, I had kind of lost the thread. Sure. I must admit. I got excited for a minute when I thought this was like a 13-year-old calling in that sounded super old. Yeah. Like it just had some heavy fucking puberty shit drop on him.

I've changed recently. Yeah. I mean, I think this was the fish jam of calls. Some good stuff in there. Yeah. But a lot of noodling. Yeah. I think it might. Virtuosic. Virtuosic. But do you really. Sure. Stuff in there, but a lot of noodling.

Virtuosic, but do you really, like at the end of the day, do you really want to hear any white dude sing Boogie on Reggae Woman? I think that's the question. By the way, Boogie on Reggae Woman is a sweet summer boy jam. Yeah. Okay, let's take a- Not sung by Trey Anastasio. Yeah. Or whoever sings in Fish. Yeah. Probably not him. Probably not, yeah.

He goes, go ahead with... Original recording. Original recording. Stevie Wonder does a good job singing that song that he wrote. Go ahead, I'll bother you next. Hey, Jordan, this is Kent. On Sunday, I went to a lake where you can rent jet skis. On Sunday, I went to a lake where you could rent jet skis.

And the guy who I rented a jet ski from admonished me that no kids under six were allowed on the jet skis. And I said, yeah, that's cool. And then I jet skied around the lake a little bit. And then I said, fuck it. And I took my two-year-old son out on the jet ski. And he had an awesome time. He was wearing a swim diaper, and we were riding on the jet ski. And total, total disobeyance of the rule.

You know why? Because we're summer boys. All right, take care. I like this. I like child endangerment as an element of this. Yeah, we're really ramping it up. Just drop that two-year-old in that propeller. I like the fact that the focus was on the swim diaper. Like, it's okay because he was in a swim diaper.

So we know he wasn't taking on water. I wanted to hear he was in a life jacket or something. Yeah, that would have been nice. A carbon steel cage to protect him from... Swim diaper was good to know. I'm worried. I'm worried now. This call worried me. Maybe this shit's getting away from me.

Yeah, well, Jordan, you're the one who demanded that people take this to the max. Yeah, I guess so. I'll give you some context for this, Linda. A couple weeks ago... Because context for this, Linda. A couple of weeks ago – Because right now this is nonsense. A couple of weeks ago somebody called in with some great summer boy activities that involved just an extended lazy weekend that had a lot of grilling and lake going in it.

Yeah. And I said that's great. You know, that's the kind of like part of being a summer boy is a kind of sustained chillness over the leisure periods of one's day, especially weekends. Like if you can really go from 5 o'clock Friday to 9 a.m. on Monday in full summer boy mode, grilling the whole time and whatever, then that's premium summer boy shit. Jordan said he was bored by it and he wanted to hear people endanger their children. I didn't say specifically endangering children. But I just think as far as the calls went, we wanted to, you know, we needed people to mix it up. Yeah. I mean, I'm, you know, right now I'm really, really into this podcast on Charles Manson's Hollywood.

And I feel like we are inadvertently creating some sort of Manson family here. You know, it's going to start out all just, you know, good vibes and, you know, listening for secret messages and Beatles albums. And the next thing you know, we're murdering. People have television call this creating stakes. Yeah. And normally it means a lot of blood. Yeah. Normally it means a lot of murder.

It started out people grilling stakes. Right. Now we're creating stakes? Yeah. Is there a ticking clock? Oh, there's got to be. And we've got to save the cat, too, while we're at it. Okay.

Got it. We've got to save the cat. Got it. We've got one more call. Right about any next. Let's hear it. Hey, Jordan and Jesse and guest. I have a

momentous occasion i just saw a man with a gigantic walking stick we're talking at its widest maybe the diameter of a tennis ball or a baseball which wouldn't be that strange except he was riding a bicycle and in order to carry the walking stick he was balancing it on the top of his head like he had found its center of gravity and placed that point it on the top of his head. Like he had found its center of gravity and had placed that point right on the top of his head and it was staying there as he rode across Lincoln Boulevard, totally calm like it was nothing. I respect this man.

All right, love the show. Bye. Oh, we love you too, sir. Were those all the same guy? Yeah. It was only one guy who listens to the show, Bye. Oh, we love you too, sir. Were those all the same guy? No. Yeah. It was only one guy who listens to the show, but he has a pretty wide variety of experiences, so that's nice. Yeah.

That's fun. Yeah. It is fun. He was balancing a stick on his head. The older this guy is, the better this gets. Oh, absolutely. I was assuming, I was imagining an older man. Yeah, I absolutely imagined. You know who I was imagining?

Sam Elliott. No, I was imagining the late Bob DeBolt, the imagined. You know who I was imagining? Sam Elliott. No, I was imagining the late Bob DeBolt, the guy who had the show on KZSE that came on after us who lived in the woods. Yeah, if this is a local eccentric, that's cool. He should be living on Social Security under a tarp in the woods. Ideally. See, in Oberlin, in town, because that's where I went to college, in town, you wouldn't even blink at that. That would just be like another – that would just be like, oh, that kid's that guy. Who are the Oberlin local yokels?

That would be – but you would – that would just be such like expected local color, I think, in town. The first thing I thought was like this is downtown Oberlin. You would see Jada Bumrod doing that. The first thing I thought was like this is downtown Oberlin. You would see Jada Boomrod doing that. I didn't cross paths with any of like the Oberlin podcast people who are now so prominent. Were there more besides Jada Boomrod? There's a ton. There is a ton of Oberlin alums.

Have you ever thought about how successful we would be if we went to a better than a B-minus university? I don't know. We'd know all these people. I mean, if we went to a B-minus university, we didn't go to a C-minus university. But we don't have meetings. Do you know what I mean? Like there's no meetings of the Oberlin podcasting people. That's not how privilege works.

But I'm just saying but I'm just saying. Like, I'm just saying. I don't think that – You know what? Check your privilege. Yeah. You probably learned how to – Fair enough.

You probably learned how to play the recorder in Shakespeare class. I did not take either Shakespeare class or a recorder. You know what? We had a great Shakespeare class. We had Casey Muhammad. Yeah, sure. No, I'm glad that no one at our college was good. It'd be confidence. We would have been around people who were talented.

People were good at marine biology and physics. Sure. Those were areas in which people were good. Yeah, but no, I think if, yeah, if we were going to UCLA or something and we would have tried to form an improv group, we would have been outclassed. Oh, yeah, because fucking Baron Davis would have been in our improv group. Basketball superstar Baron Davis. Maybe this is where the imposter syndrome comes from. Sure.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I think I think that. Yeah, I think I'm like, oh, yeah, I can do this. How about this, Jordan? Let's start an improv group with Baron Davis right now. I have his email address. Well, see when he can rehearse.

Yeah. I'd have to shave my beard. He probably has only one beard rule. Now I get that. If you have a momentous occasion for us or if you're taking Summer Boy to the next level, 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN is our number. And Baron, if you're listening right now and you want to start an improv group,

drop us a line. Short form. So we're talking, we're going to get suggestions from audiences' favorite movie quotes. We're working them into the scene. We're going to have a basket of hats. Oh, basket of hats. I love that one. Colin Mochrie.

Love basket of hats. Love big phone props. Yeah. Colin Mochrie. Yeah. Love basket of hats. Love big foam props. This isn't going to be some, you know, hoity-toity, artistic, long-form scene. This is going to be some good old person in the back sticks arms through a round body of a person in the front. Yes, and makes a pie. Yes. And makes a pie. We'll all be wearing matching baseball shirts.

It'll be great. I am so on board with this, Jordan. I can't even tell you. Short form, classic OG improv. Yep. Absolutely. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Hey, you like t-shirts, right? How about a mug?

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It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Laura Spoy Detective. Linda Holmes, Quaker Avenger. Listen, America, if you're not already listening to Linda's show, Pop Culture Happy Hour, come on, give me a break. Number one, you should be listening to Pop Rocket. Number two, Pop Culture Happy Hour. I like Pop Rocket.

We have an alliance of the families brewing, right? That's right, yeah, absolutely. To take down the slate, Culture Gab Fest. I was going to say, have an alliance of the families brewing, right? That's right. Yeah, absolutely. To take down the slate Culture Gab Fest. I was going to say, to finally take down the Batman. Yeah. I try to build many alliances in podcasting in case I one day have more power or get fired. That's my plan. You'll never kill Metcalf.

He's unkillable. My plan is to consolidate power in case I ever get it or need it. That's my plan. Linda, are you going on Pop Rocket while you're in town? I believe I am. Yes, I believe I am. I think we're going to talk about romantic comedies. Oh, rom-coms, I call them.

Rom-coms. Have you heard about Meet Cute? Yes, Jesse, I've heard about Meet Cute. I'll explain it to Jordan. Meet Cute is a trope in romantic comedies. It's where the two main characters are at a butcher shop, and they're discussing the different... Meats, yeah.

And they disagree, originally, about the kind of meat they grew. One wants shanks. Sure. Yeah. You know, one wants chops. And then they realize that together, yeah. They make a meal. That's a meat cute.

Yeah. That's a cute meat cute. A meat cute. That sounds bad. It's true. But yes, I think I am doing that. Yeah. You know what I watched and I liked?

This is going to be the end of this whole conversation. First couple episodes of the new season of Playing House. Had a meet cute in it. Oh. I love that shit. Fucking love Playing House. It's like the least substantial television program I've ever enjoyed. There's no content in Playing House almost at all.

Just pleasantness. Just enjoyable. Yeah. Linda and I were talking about the benefit or the place of the pleasant TV show in the television landscape on the way over. Yes, I was telling Jordan that a couple of the things that they have presented at TCA that I've liked have really been like pleasant, enjoyable broadcast comedies. They presented to us from Fox both a Rob Lowe pilot and a John Stamos pilot. And you know what? They were both really fun. Two of America's you know what? They were both really fun.

Two of America's leading peasants. They were both really fun. The handsome men of decades past. I embrace their handsomeness. I'm so grateful that those guys are getting a shot in network television. Well, thank goodness, right? Thank goodness finally a handsome man who has already been famous has a chance to make it big. Stamos just hawking yogurt the whole time?

Well, the best part of that press conference was somebody asked Rob Lowe while he was up on stage whether he and Stamos knew each other. And at that moment, from the very back of the ballroom, you heard John Stamos yell, tell the truth, Rob, we've been dating for years. That's fun, John Stamos. It was on the spot. It was fun. It was Stamos on the spot. It made the critics laugh. And, you know, we can be stiffs.

That's fun, John Stamos. You could not applaud that remark, though. Correct. Only laugh. Only laugh with your arms crossed. That's right. Laugh with your arms crossed, which is what I do all day. Two ha's. Ha ha. That's right. Even nothing. That's funny. That's what. Only laugh. Only laugh with your arms crossed. That's right. Laugh with your arms crossed, which is what I do all day. Two ha's.

Ha ha. That's right. Even nothing. That's funny. That's what we do. I appreciated that. I say that's funny. Join us.

Humor was displayed. Join us in conversation on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com, on Twitter, hashtag JJGo, on Facebook with the MaxFun Facebook group and the Jordan Jesse Go Facebook page. We're both on Twitter at Jesse Thorne at Jordan underscore Morris. Linda's on at NPR Monkey C. That's correct. You can check out Linda's column on NPR.org, which is really

delightful if you're looking for a place. We call blogs columns now, right? Yeah, yeah. Pretty much, right? It's all just writing. Yeah.

It's all just writing. But if you're wondering what she's liking, what she's checking out, what she's seeing, what isn't embargoed. Yeah, that's right. That's right. You can check out her writing on NPR.org. It's delightful. And really, you really should check out NPR Pop Culture Happy Hour, which is great.

It's a lot of fun. I'm the least funny person on it. Stephen and Glenn. And you're very funny on it. Don't despair. Everyone on that show is better than me. It's like the playing house of pop culture conversations.

It's just an effervescent pleasure. Oh, wonderful. Thank you, Jesse. You're welcome. Ibarian X Parello on the boards this week. Brian Fernandez, our producer in jolly old England. Ibarian X's first show on the board solo of his Max Fun career. And I was there.

And you were there one day. You know, Ibarian X has a podcast that people can check out. It's called The Candid Frame. He's a professional photographer when he's not working for Peanuts here at MaximumFun.org. And he interviews great photographers and photographers with great stories on his show. His show is like the Charlie Rose of photography. That sounds awesome. The Candid Frame.

I shall check it out. The Candid Frame with Abari Annex Parello. I'll tell you if you just Google Ibarian X, that'll work too. Sure. We'll be back next week on Jordan and Jessica.

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