Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 391: Condom Delivery System with Cameron Esposito

Episode Date: August 24, 2015

Comedian Cameron Esposito joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of black Ken dolls, Jesse's son's alter ego, and Cameron dispenses some friendly lesbian sex advice.  Plus, everyone tastes some fancy root beer!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a balmy day in Los Angeles, Jordan. For those wondering about the weather in Los Angeles, I'd say balmy. It's good to be back. You guys get hammered last week? I'm from Los Angeles. I'd say balmy. It's good to be back. You guys get hammered last week? We got pleasantly buzzed. For those of you who missed last week's episode for some reason or are in the practice of not listening to non-canonical Jesse Free episodes, which I support.

You would prefer that people not listen? I would prefer that they not listen to it, yeah. I think you do a great job. I usually listen. Well, shucks. Um, but I, you know, I just don't support confusing the continuity, the already complicated Jordan, Jesse go continuity. So you're just concerned for like the Wikipedians. Yeah.

Folks working and the folks working on the Jordan, Jesse go wiki. Certainly. Sure. Yeah. And I just don't want them to get bombarded with all these what-ifs, imaginary stories, things that don't count. Right. So, yeah, and I know those things can get confusing. What about reimaginings?

Oh, yeah, reimaginings and reboots, certainly. Okay, because those are in the timeline. Do you think there could be— You're creating a new timeline. Along the lines of the Paul Feig Ghostbusters, do you think there could be an all-female Jordan Jesse Goh reboot? Yeah, absolutely. I think so, too. People are sick of us.

Yeah, right? We've been doing this too long. Yeah. Get us out of here. But we'll have a cheeky cameo. Yeah, sure. An old man. Right, yeah.

We're elderly people. As two elderly ghosts. I know our show isn't explicitly about ghosts, but I think we should play elderly ghosts. Yeah, sure. Anyway, so yeah, we got lightly buzzed on, we tested various kinds of malt beverages. Oh, that sounds nice. Yeah, the Bud Light Limerita, which I still hate. The Mike's.

But with which you are deeply and permanently associated in the minds and hearts of our fans. I cannot say I hate them enough. People always tweet me pictures of new Bud Light Limerita flavors. associated yeah in the minds of our hearts of our fans i cannot say i hate them enough people will always tweet me pictures of new bud light lime marita flavors do you i i i can't decide whether it's a mistake or trolling i am but you know i i i guess i brought them in and tasted them as a you know i guess i'm supporting that but i feel like i am right now i am picturing you maybe at our friend stewart wellington fromophouse's bar in Brooklyn or whatever. And just an attractive young lady looks at you, winks, and sends you a Bud Light Limerita and you have to drink it.

Yeah, right. You don't want to be a jerk. This is my hell. Yeah. This is my hell. We also tasted the Mike's Hard Lemonade Margarita, which was not good. And then the surprising MVP of this taste test was the Smirnoff Ice Peach Bellini. Oh, really?

Which is light pink. It's like a rosé. Sure. And very drinkable. Really? Yeah. You guys have to bring me in. Yes.

Oh, yes, please. I'm dying to talk about a bunch of things that you just discussed. Okay. Our guest on this week's program, you know her, of course, is a brilliant stand-up comedian, is the host of MaximumFun.org's Wham Bam Pow, the great Cameron Esposito. Okay. Thank you so much because I was dying over here. I have so many questions.

Number one, do you really, is it actually a Mike's Hard Lemonade Margarita in that, my question is, is it a Mark's, is it a Mark's, is it a Mark's, is it a Mike's Hard Lime, Lime-on-ade Margarita? Here's what it is. It is a, and you're right to be, I also was confused and I had to work this out myself. And with all the, I think what happens and it's happened with the Lime-A-Rite is that people have taken a brand that people like and they stamp that on. Which is Mike's Hard – you posit that Mike's Hard Lemonade is the brand people like. I do think people like it, yes. I think it has its fan base.

It's been around for a while. I don't understand it myself. I assume people enjoy the Transformer films. Students at the University of Tennessee love Mike's Hard Lemonade. You know, that's funny. The one – God, this is so many tangents. The one NASCAR event I ever went to, I went when I worked for Fuel TV when they were desperately trying to incorporate anything that was popular to save a failing network. It was a NASCAR event.

It was like an hour outside of Chicago. And Mike's branding up the ass. Which hurts. Boy, don't it. Unless you're ready. You got to kind of lube it up. Sure. Yeah.

You got to get ready for the Mike's branding. But it can be very rewarding once you do the work. Sure. I'm into it. And I was really surprised that they think NASCAR fans are the audience for Mike's. I would assume it was. OK, let me ask you this question. How many women did you see at that event? Because I feel like NASCAR is one of those things where there's like a sneaky amount of female fans. You know what? That is true. I definitely – it did seem like a lot of married couples. Because I feel like we write it off as this like sleeveless, shirted dudes with – You write it off like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I'm like there's women there that don't have sleeveless shirts. Thank you for bringing the perspective of the heartland, Jesse. You're known for your heartland values. I am. Where is the NASCAR Hall of Fame? I stayed across the street from it. It's like in Charlotte, I think. Okay.

Where am I from again? Probably Gary, Indiana or something. I think it's Gary, Indiana. Got it. It's hard to say, really. I stayed in a hotel across the street from it, stand up there, and I didn't have time to go. Yeah, that's a shame. And I didn't have time to go.

Yeah, that's a shame. It is. Sometimes when you're touring comic, as you guys know, you're in demand. You've got to – in and out of cities, you know, popping into the next one. You're jet setting. You're jet setting and you're only flying first class. And the problem is that you can't get into the museums you really want to get to. Yuck Yucks in Denver.

You're flying first class. By the way, Yuck X is not in Denver. Oh, boy. I'm sorry. Go bananas in Cincinnati. Go bananas. If you don't mind me bringing a little bit of my patented heartland perspective. Yes. So a lot of chicks.

So, yeah. Yes. And I'm not trying to say that men can't drink Mike's Heart Lemonade. Yeah. But I think men can drink Mike's Heart Lemonade. Sure. I just know that sometimes men don't think men can drink Mark's hard lemonade. I just know that sometimes men don't think men can drink

Mark's hard lemonade. It's the signature alcoholic beverage of cookouts at my aunt and uncle's house in Virginia. True? Yep. True. Fun fact. Now what's their gender? One of them is male. That's my aunt. Interesting. But that's their sex, not their gender.

Oh, you know, I apologize. Jesse, what's their sex? It's a spectrum. Okay, good. Wait, no, sex is a binary. Sex is frequent! Their sex is yes, please! So, back to your question. They're older.

The Mike's Margarita is a malt beverage that does not seem to contain any lemon or lime or anything natural but is pretty far away from the Mike's. It's closer to the Bud Light Limerita and I think just has the Mike's name on it. I find that all of that – I used to drink some of that. Sure. When I was like maybe 18, I had a backpack on. I'm running through London.

You guys remember. You're pounding Limeritas. And I've just got a backpack on. I'm running through London. You guys remember. You're pounding my maritas. And I've just got a backpack full of malt beverages. But you know what they say. When in Rome. Sure. When in Rome, go to London. Drink some malt beverages.

Yeah. I know that old chestnut. You know what the crazy thing is? Jessie, your heartland grandma had that embroidered on a pillow, didn't she? She did. Which was then tattooed on her ass. The whole thing. The pillow.

The actual pillow. Very free and mental. The pillow with its. By the way, my heartland grandma's name, Jeff Gordon. Yeah, sure. Thank you. Thank you. Those drinks give you a stomachache.

Yeah. That is my bottom line on those drinks. It is not a taste issue. Sure. It is not that I am above them. I am, if anything, below them, drinking them, it is not a taste issue. It is not that I am above them. I am, if anything, below them drinking them because that's how gravity works. So trickling down. But they give you a bad sour stomach because they're too sweet.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it is like chugging a popsicle. I think Nick Weiger, who was one of the guests, really put it nicely. He says it's you skip the buzz and go right to the hangover. You've gone right to – You're trying to treat yourself with anything that might – your dad told you this is how you do it. This is how you get through this. Jordan, you know our listener Rich Tackler sent us a care package.

Did you get the T-shirt yet? I did not get the T-shirt. We'll find it in the break. But she also sent some very nice ritzy root beer for me to taste test. Oh, that's nice. So maybe we can have some root beer in the next segment. Okay. What's the temperature of this root beer?

Cold. Okay. Put it in the refrigerator. Now you're talking. Yeah. A refrigerator is like an electric coldifying machine. Yeah. Root beer has a soothing quality to it.

Did you have any other questions? Tum-tTom related questions? Yeah, I mean, we were talking. Is this a shameless pander to audition for the female Jordan Jesse Go reboot? Oh, I assumed I had already gotten it, and that's why I was here. Who would you like to play? You were here to push us out. This is their way of telling us they're going to bring in the new cast.

I figured I'd play an amalgam of the two of you guys. Is that not what we're going for? No, that's your whole deal. I actually read that in the AV Club. Cameron Esposito, up-and-coming stand-up comic, an amalgam of Jordan and Jesse from Jordan and Jesse Go. I've been trying to lose that for a while because I think I have my own brand going on. But it's tough. Once you get branded as an amalgam of Jordan and Jesse, then it's hard to lose that.

Can I make a recommendation to you? What would you like? Ride the coattails a little longer. Okay. You want me to do – I mean, honestly, I go in for auditions. I'm reading the lines. They stop me. They say, okay, who are you here, Jordan or Jesse?

Yeah. Exactly. Because they don't know – Now, Cameron, we've talked to Jordan. Can we talk to Jesse? Yeah. And then you turn around and you muss your hair. Yeah. I curl the long side.

And then sometimes I just swish around on my chin. Cameron, our coattails are on the back of a rocket ship headed to superstardom. I say hang on tight. Now let me ask you, are the coattails a little too long so they're burning up? No. Off the edge of the rocket ship? That's an issue. You know, we didn't think of that when fitting our rocket for its coat.

How it would interact with the afterburners You know, we didn't think of that when fitting our rocket for its coat. How it would interact with the afterburners. Jordan, you didn't think of that. I thought of that. It's made of asbestos. So it's not an issue. And that makes sense. You're the wardrobe one, which is what I always say when I'm asked

which of them I'm playing. I'm like, well, what am I wearing right now? Is it a sensible but, you know, kind of aggressively throwback sort of a situation? Then obviously I'm Jordan. That's your thing, right, Jordan? Sure, aggressive throwback, yeah. You're like into ball caps and stuff?

Right, right. That's also my gender, aggressive throwback. Yeah, I mean are you worried that with this asbestos coattail that it's going to be right there against the afterburner that you'll poison space? That's a really good question. Like space cancer. Yeah. Like will comets get space cancer? I mean, it's an issue.

What about the moons of Jupiter? Yeah. Does Jupiter have moons? Who knows? Only a spaceman knows for sure. There's a passing asteroid that houses some xenomorphs. And then that'll just fall back down on us. And you're like, there we go.

Yeah. What about extremophiles? Can they get cancer? What's that? It's like a thing that lives at the bottom of the ocean or in a fire or something. I don't know. Nah, I think they're fine.

Oh, where they have like a little dangly thing at the end of their head and then you eat that dangly thing and then you catch them. Is that kind of fish? You're thinking of a Waldo. Oh, like he's got a striped sweater on. He's like in a crowd. He's at the beach. why is he wearing a sweater at the beach that kind of guy

yeah exactly how did he go back in time yeah exactly and then do you think that just sorry quick question this occurred to me right the waldo has had a lot of adventures one specifically was going back in time was it that Waldo traveled through time or is he eternal? Has he always been? And he also invented photography, cartoon photography. Yep. And hats. He also invented hats.

Yeah, sure. Where did he go when he traveled through time? I don't remember specifically. There's a caveman one for sure and I feel like there's also an ancient Rome one where he's in London. Yeah. And I feel like... Yeah, pounding ancient Rome one where he's in London. Yeah. And I feel like –

Yeah. Pounding a smear and off ice. I know. I visited Rome. Because I was actually really into those. I don't know what it is. You know what I like? Small drawings.

Are you guys into that? Oh, yeah. Small drawings. Does that like do it for you at all when you're like – does it – it's very satisfying to look at details? Yeah. Have you ever held like a miniature bread that was made for a very small doll and you're just like, oh, this bread is so satisfying? Does that ever happen to you guys? Yeah.

I haven't explicitly thought about it. But while you were saying that, it was like an ASMR video and I relaxed. Yes. That's exactly what it's like. So. Well, when I was a child. I achieved orgasm without physical stimulation. Right.

I know. Yeah. That was because. That's just because of your space cancer. I slipped the ass. When I was a child, American Girl dolls came out, and they were a really big deal. Sure. And the dolls were, like, fine.

I had a Molly, obviously. What time period was Molly from? She's, like, from the 40s. She's a real can-do gal. She's like, get over here. You know, she's got that kind of, like, salute going on, like a permanent salute. Yeah. How's your uncle?

Do you think she turned you into a lesbian? No, I think she, I think I sussed out that she has glasses on. You figured out which one was the lesbian one. You get it. She comes with pants. You went into the American Girl store and said, look, my mom's over there. I need an American Girl doll. Do you have one that likes girls?

You don't have to ask the question. That's the thing about, Jesse, you might not know because you're not on the inside. I'm not on the outside on this. I'm on the inside. But you can just tell and it's always the one that went to camp, which is a big part

of Molly's storyline. She goes to camp. She's got like a little way to throw back baseball cap on. So maybe you do know what I'm talking about. But my point is- She was a drummer

for Bikini Kill for a while too. She was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She keeps her mustache as another character trait of hers. But anyway doesn't matter my um she had you could get so like it was cool you get different outfits for her but the best part was that you could get like full lunches oh just these very detailed lunches plastic lunches uh yeah but they're almost like ceramic feeling okay like not like a plastic like a hot dog that a kid is cooking in like a little plastic kitchen.

Sure. I'm talking about like really tiny, almost plastic ceramic. Delicate, yeah. And it would just be like a little sandwich or there's some cheese. I loved it. Like a tiny cheese? Top five favorite toys of my childhood. Was a tiny cheese.

Looking at this small food. Would you rearrange it? And the rest of the four were all the black Kens that I owned. Black Kens. Because they were hard to find. Yeah, they were collectible. Yeah. You got to catch them all.

Where do you got to? I had a Bulbasaur Ken. Where you grew up, which I guess I don't explicitly know where it was. Where did you grow up? Western suburbs of Chicago. Where do you go for a black Ken? I would ask Santa. Oh, okay. Which I'm sure there is like an amazing

Christmas video that I found a couple years ago where it was the Christmas that I first asked for a black Ken because my sister had a black Barbie and I only collected Kens. And listen, now I know about interracial relationships, but at the time we have to give young Cameron Esposito a pass because I was in a very homogeneous area. And so I was like, well, at least let's get one black Ken in the mix.

So I asked for it. I'm like nine – maybe I'm younger. And I like get the Ken. I'm like tearing it open. I turn to the camera. I go, black Ken, like I asked for. Like just very deep voice. Santa, got my letter.

And I'm wearing only a T-shirt that is weirdly tight only in the butt. Because after that I turn around to show it. You can see two little butt cheeks through the T-shirt. And then my dad off camera goes, I believe you mean African-American, Ken. Off camera goes, I believe you mean African-American, Ken, which really timestamps when this video happened as well because it was like a new phrase, I think. Yeah. He had like just kind of – He just picked this up. Maybe he saw it on Donahue.

Yes. It had just – Premiered on Donahue. There had been like some sort of Chicago Tribune article about it. He like went to get the paper like, honey, have you heard of this? You know, that kind of thing. My son just got his first Barbie. Oh my God, great. What does she do?

She's a Barbie. She doesn't do anything. That's not true, Jesse. She has some sort of characteristic. Yeah, Barbies all have innate jobs. Oh, she has a swimsuit on. Okay, she's a beach. And like fabulous sunglasses. Oh, she's like an eye protection Barbie.

She's UV ray Barbie. Yeah. She has her own eye wash station in case there's a chemical spill at her lab. She has a big pair of like pink sunglasses and like a little retro bathing suit. That's fun. That sounds great. He has an achievement chart. Okay.

It's for, he gets a sticker when he's helpful when it's time to go to bed. And he has been steadily accumulating everything character or as he calls them,

corrector, which he's been doing for two years and we see no reason to correct him. Do you think he just thinks that, you know, Barbie and Woody and whatever, does he think that they're characters from Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections? Yes, I think he does.

I've been reading him Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. He prefers Jonathan Lethem. Oh, right, right, right. Not Jonathan Safran Foer? Well, he did like Jonathan. He liked the one about the autistic kid, but he's out after that. Okay. And he did not like the movie.

He had a lot of issues with the movie. Well, that sounds like a hell of a kid. I believe I'm right when I say that. So he's getting stickers. Well, here's the thing. For some reason, he gets his stickers and then eventually he gets one of his favorite correctors from Toy Story. Sure. And what's interesting about it is that he was fucking apeshit about it being exactly the Barbie outfit from Toy Story.

And she wears a couple different outfits. But he wanted one from Toy Story. And I don't think they sell a Toy Story Barbie, at least not anymore. Seems like they would. Seems like they would. A branding misstep on that part. I feel like they did when the movies came out, but maybe it's just the distance. You know, they move on.

They cycle through Barbies. Disney, yeah, isn't a part of Disney's thing making things limited. Yeah. You know. And so we got as close Disney, yeah, isn't a part of Disney's thing making things limited. Yeah. You know. And so we got as close as we could and he went apeshit. Now, that having been said, he recently got a Buzz Lightyear for his birthday. He'd been waiting for like six months because he, you know, announced he wanted one. He had a Woody.

He wanted a Buzz to go with it. Sure. He was 100% happy playing with a Buzz Lightyear that my wife made by cutting apart an Amazon.com box and drawing on it with markers. Both he and Oscar were 100% glad to have the like exactly as in the movie, you know, $25 toy from Disney, Woody, talking to a cardboard cutout drawn with children's markers of Buzz. But if fucking Barbie was not wearing the right head wrap or something, I don't even know. He was not having it. Interesting. Zero percent. I mean, it sounds like, though, I like this kind of using your imagination thing because that's really what the whole movie Toy Story is about, which is that the cardboard is going to come alive while you're sleeping.

That is true. Be involved in some sort of Rube Goldberg peril. Yeah. Absolutely. I can get behind that, though. I feel like Barbie is one of those really specific. Yeah. Yeah, and I can understand that because you get the special outfits and so on and so forth.

He does not believe that Barbie wears different outfits. He believes Barbie wears the outfits from the movie. So he thinks this is some sort of imposter. That's basically what's going on. Some sort of false Barbie. He's also just learning about the idea of disguises. This is totally new to him. He's been watching the Disney movie Robin Hood a lot.

It was my wife's childhood favorite movie. One of the greatest Disney movies and great disguises, isn't it? Yeah, it's a lot of fun and my wife's childhood favorite movie. Oh, one of the greatest Disney movies and great disguises, isn't it? Yeah, it's a lot of fun and there's some great disguises. I don't really remember

this one. Well, they go to the archery tournament and they can't let, because they got to get him win the kiss from Maid Marian. Sure.

But they cannot let Prince John know that they are Robin Hood and Robin Hood's fat bear friend. So doesn't Robin Hood dress up as a stork? He does dress up as a stork. And he's a fox.

So I love this animal kingdom where they haven't noticed that he's got fur, not feathers. Yeah. It seems like, yeah, a disguise. I guess I don't know in the world of this how common foxes are. Maybe he's rare. But it seems like you're really tempting fate. It feels like you'd go like wolf-dog, cat,

raccoon, bobcat, cougar. There's a lot of different things you'd cycle through. Small bear! You know? And so he's just, you know, it's one of those things where he will be confused about something,

he'll ask you about it in a classic he's now four, but in a classic three-year-old way. Like you'll answer and then he'll just ask you the same question five times a day for months on end. And he was trying to ask why Robin Hood dressed up as a stork for months. He finally figured it out. And recently he got a space suit that he's been putting on Mama Gorilla because he and he puts on his explorer costume because he and Mama Gorilla and I have to sneak past the eyes and nose light. We've talked about eyes and nose light, right? Remind me. This is the big villain in my household. It's a street lamp.

Okay. remind me? This is the big villain in my household. It's a street lamp that has like a shade on it to keep it from shining into people's windows. But the shade is not completely flush with the light fixture. And so

it vaguely could look like it has an eyes and nose. Oh man. And Simon can see it from his window. It is the villain of all fantasies of Simon's is the eyes and nose light. How scared is he? How genuinely scared? It is very hard to tell.

Okay. And I think it ebbs and flows significantly. Like sometimes I feel like I have him convinced that the eyes and nose light is a friend of ours or that the eyes and nose light is not really a bad guy. But then other times and I think and I feel like he's playing a game with me about that. Yeah. Other times he seems legit afraid of the street lamp. I feel like later in life he's going to become a horror movie director and I can't wait to watch his first film Eyes and Nose Light. Yeah.

From the producers of Paranormal Activities. It's going to be amazing. Can I – now, Cameron, you mentioned that Barbies all have jobs. Yeah. Two questions. Do Kens have jobs? And if so, what was Black Ken's job? You know, this is a great question.

Some Kens do have jobs. The first Black Ken I ever – later I had Dr. Black Ken. Dr. J. Pays and paid. Dr. J. Ken. Later I had a doctor, but the first one that I got was just day to night. That was his thing. Oh, so he had like a fun –

He had like a reversible jumpsuit on and then a blazer. So sometimes – A jumpsuit and a blazer. Sometimes it could be like a more casual thing then you could flip around it was a tuxedo oh so he was his job was i assume escort he's got whatever he's got whatever you need he had a tuxedo jumpsuit yeah he did which by the way seems like a great idea like now that i'm saying this to you guys, I feel like there's lots of – Well, for a toy, you don't want like pieces, multiple pieces in there.

So I guess it's something you can flip around. I'm talking about for real boys. I'm talking about for real adult boys that are in a wedding party and you don't know what's going on with the rest of their life. Sure. Don't you want to sell them that jumpsuit? That sounds perfect. Maybe they're a NASCAR driver and they have to come right from the track to the wedding. And they're going to unzip their other jumpsuit and the coolest thing to wear, physically coldest, is just another jumpsuit.

Right, yeah. As you know. What if they work in a nuclear power plant? Sure. That's another situation where you're going to need it. They don't want to get one of those scrub downs before the big wedding. They're just going to put a jumpsuit under that jumpsuit. Yeah.

That's the most professional way to deal with it. Put a jumpsuit under it. You know what I want to say? One thing about this Robin Hood flick. I would love to hear something that you have to say about the Robin Hood flick. You guys know Rhea Butcher. That's your beautiful and hilarious fiance and co-host on Huan Ban Pao. Yeah.

We are enfianced. We are enfianced. And one of the reasons I knew that I was interested in her as a person and a dating person is that one time in casual conversation, she said, Hiss, you have hissed your last. And it's a Robin Hood line. And she brought it out with zero context. And it's a perfect – it's perfect. It's a perfect – so I would just like to recommend to listeners. Do you remember what you were talking about?

I'm wondering where that will fit into regular conversation so it's just like a it's it's when somebody has done it like they have they have it's they've gone a bridge too far fucked up yeah they are you are really putting up a boundary against them sure and so you're gonna tell them because they are your snake hiss and you are prince john a terrible guy sure you're going to tell them because they are your snake, Hiss, and you are Prince John, a terrible guy. Sure. You're going to say, Hiss, you've hissed your last and then probably like lock that person in a small woven basket. The other day Simon tried to come out and engage me in a conversation after he had been put to bed about the fact that Sir Hiss's cradle wasn't there and he could only sleep if he was in his cradle. Sir Hiss's cradle wasn't there and he could only sleep if he was in his cradle.

And I should explain that Sir Hiss is one of my dress socks with two stickers glued to it representing eyes. And I should also mention I was not literally directly talking to Simon, but rather Simon's alter ego. At nighttime, Simon often drapes a blanket over his head and comes out and will answer only to blanket plump. Okay. I'm not Simon. So here's you in blanket plump, Ken. Sure. So he'll quietly and slowly shuffle out from his room with an Ikea blanket with pictures of drums on it coming out, colorful, primary color drums. He'll come out and he'll just sort of stand there in the middle of the living room like a weird

comforter ghost. And I'll say, Simon, can you please go back to your room? It's bedtime. And he'll say, I'm not Simon. I'm Blanket Plump. It does seem like there are a lot of ripe for horror movie elements here. Blanket Plump is a much better horror movie than Eyes and Nose Lies. Also, an irrefutable argument. Blanket Plump doesn't have a bedtime. I mean, that's great. It's true.

It's a really good point. Blanket Plump sleeps as he pleases. Now, here's the thing. I understand how your child knows the word blanket that is an oft used word from whence does he from whence did he glean how did he first become introduced to the word plump i i wonder if he originally intended to be what you and I would call blanket lump. Then he misspoke and now he's been sticking with it ever since because he's so embarrassed. That's what I meant to say.

That's what I meant to say. Evolved emotional system of an adult man. Or as you call them, grown up boys. Right, grown up boys. Right, grown-up boys. Yeah, exactly. Blanket plump is a real treasure. I kind of see that as a paranormal activity

style movie where you see a kid via nanny cam or something and maybe the trailer has some kind of tinky music box music. Oh, you're scaring the crap out of me. Simon, you know, maybe the trailer has some kind of tinky music box music. Oh, you're scaring the crap out of me. Simon.

And then. I went to bed. I'm not Simon. I'm Blanket Plump. Let the bodies hit the floor. Actually, I feel like it's much scarier if he doesn't speak in a super creepy. You understand horror tropes. Yeah, sure.

The scariest thing is for him to say. Just flatly. I'm not Simon. I'm Blanket Plump. Let the bodies hit the floor. I mean, I think pretty much... I know that song hasn't been in a horror movie since 1998. I think this is pretty much the plot

of The Babadook, is what we're describing. I've not seen The Babadook. I haven't seen it either, but I read all the Wikipedia about it because I can't see scary movies, but I'm endlessly fascinated by their plot points and visual imagery. So I like to look up still frames. That was something. When I was a kid, I had some neighbors who were allowed to watch Freddy Krueger.

I was not allowed to watch Freddy Krueger, but my neighbors were. I bet those kids are real washed up now. Yeah, right? It's Channing Tatum. Oh, man. One time my wife went to a ninth birthday party and they played The Shining. Oof. No.

What the fuck? Yeah, jeez. What the fuck? Like, A, wrong genre. But if you're going to play a scary movie, there are 400 that are more appropriate. Something that doesn't include a dog blowjob. Do you think – did the parents watch this film? The parents approved it.

And they knew – they didn't just think that the name of the movie was like The Shiny. Oh, yeah. Or something – The Shining as in the sun. Did they watch the film? That's probably what they thought. The Shining as in the sun. Did they watch the film? That's probably what they thought. The Shining is in the sun. The giver of all life on Earth. We can only assume that's what this movie is about.

Let's not read the box. Hell, I don't know what this movie is about, but the way I see it, it's probably about photosynthesis. Let's put it on and then leave. There's a Kidman character. Here you are. You're walking through the video store looking at VHS tapes or maybe beta. And maybe it's just how the movie rental place was set up. Maybe it said movies featuring a child.

And the sun. And the sun. They went right to that section. I think what happened is initially they picked up the Rainbow Bright movie. And their daughter said, no, that's kid stuff. And they said, kid stuff. I'll show you. Yeah. Just like, yeah, right.

It's like Donald Duck making his nephew smoke an entire box of cigarettes. Also, I believe the lyrics to the Rainbow Bright theme song are Rainbow Bright. See the shining light. I'm not sure if that's true. I have never Googled this. I'm remembering this from my childhood, but I think that's true. See the shining light. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Isn't that the way you finish it? childhood but i think that's true see the shining light all work and no play makes jack a dull boy so i think you you know that movie that word is contextualized i saw the rainbow bright movie in the theaters i fucked with rainbow bright oh like i had rainbow bright bed sheets nice i had a little boy blue stuff and then there was a red one too was. Was he a character in that world? Yeah. Mm-hmm. He was one of them blue boys. You know what, Karen? You and me, we're redefining traditional gender roles. That's right. I had all the blue dudes. I had all the blue dudes.

I had all the dudes. To be fair, a real pathblazer in that department was my grandma, Jeff Gordon. That's true. I was not allowed to watch the Freddy Krueger movies, but I loved sitting down with these kids who could and having them describe the plots of Freddy Krueger movies. It was real fun. I still do that sometimes with Rhea. Oh, yeah. Because she can see scary movies or sometimes she has.

Like, for instance, a franchise that I'm endlessly fascinated by, the Saw franchise. Let's say you can't see scary movies at all like me. You've only seen Silence of the Lambs on television edited so you know about the pit and you know of the lotion. Sure. But that's pretty much it. And all the rest of your access to horror films has just been through your imagination. And then Saw is like the ultimate one because you can even read all of the hijinks that happen and the different traps. But if you've never seen like a reverse bear trap and how it really plays out on a face,

it's a lot to think about. Is a reverse bear trap a trap that bears use to trap people? It's a picnic basket that gets you in trouble. They make a rug out of their skin. That'd be funny. Yeah, boy, the Saw movies. I've had to see a lot of Saw movies just because – You saw some of that Saw? Oh, yeah.

Did you see some Saw? I see Saw. Cameron, if you're wondering if I see Saw, yes, I see Saw. That was around the time I was doing like press junkets and stuff like that was when the Saw movies were at their zenith. And the continuity of those movies is so complicated. Oh, because they like die and come back and then there's like a videotape embedded in somebody's torso? Yeah, and there's like prequels and then there's a lot of flashbacks. People assume you want to see what happened in the fifth movie to the cop who had two scenes in the second movie.

So yeah, I was kind of like this continuity is so complicated. Please can someone's head just get ripped off by a barbed wire chainsaw? I think we've all had that. We've all had that. How many of them do you think you've seen? I think I have seen, let's see, how many of them are there? There's six or seven. I bet I've seen four of them.

Four or five. Have you seen any of them, Jesse? I don't think I've, I'm trying to think of, I saw The Shining. I'm trying to think of any other. That's not part of the Saw franchise. I saw that in high school. Saw 1 colon The Shining. Oh'm trying to think of any other. That's not part of the Saw franchise. I saw that in high school. Saw 1 colon The Shining. Oh yeah, exactly. I'm trying to think I don't think I've ever seen any other horror

movie. Really? Why? Just for choice. Carrie? Does Carrie count? I saw Carrie. Carrie counts. Carrie has some terrifying stuff in it for sure. The hand at the end that pops out. I've read about it. Yeah, you've read about the hand. You know about that secret hand at the end. Yeah, but that was also in class in high school.

Oh, you were like... They're trying to teach you about... I had a cool teacher. They're teaching you about menstruation. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah, that was your sex ed? That's the best way to teach you about that. Pelter!

This woman has her period. I'll show you how to do it. They're all going to laugh at you, kids. They're all going to laugh at you. So, are you okay having seen all those saw movies yeah they are they're very silly uh well what are you what what do you consider silly i wonder now reversed your bear trap uh they are definitely in the like they're not you know it's just like how gory can we be it's kind of even like i think they're trying to be funny with how gory they are. I don't get the joke.

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, they're not looking to like, you know, psychologically scar you and, you know, make you think about your bodily orifices. What scares you? I mean like The Shining is terrifying. Like yeah, that like psychological stuff is really bad. You know, I'm scared of the paranormal activity movies. The like handy cam locked off stuff is really scary. You know, I'm scared of the paranormal activity movies. The like, the like handy cam locked off stuff

is really scary to me. Yeah, and like dark rooms with someone moving slowly through them. But yeah, I like gore. I think gore is a hoot. But isn't a lot of Saw take place in dark rooms

with somebody slowly doing something? But they are not well made. Okay. These are not, I do think the paranormal activities get a little bit of a bad rap. I think they are not well made. Okay. These are not – I do think the Paranormal Activities get a little bit of a bad rap. I think they are really clever and genuinely scary. I don't even know if it matters whether or not they have a good rap because I think those movies made so much money.

And cost $8 a piece. You can just shove million-dollar bills in your ears if you made them. Sure. And who cares? Yeah, yeah. I think they have a great rap and it goes my name's paranormal activities and I'm here to say

I'm into stealing babies in a major way a lot of baby stealing in those oh really does the baby come back baby does come back yeah

where did it go when the very next day I was thinking of I was thinking of a way to squeeze in and you can blame it all on me

okay we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica I was thinking of a way to squeeze in, and you can blame it all on me. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, podcast about parenting where we remind you that despite what the internet says, No one really cares what kind of parent you are. One bad mother. We're the friends with kids you want to hang out with. Check us out on iTunes and MaximumFun.org. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, of... Cameron Espino, scared of everything. Guy. Scared of everything guy. Yeah, that's your famous nickname. So, okay. So, our friend Rach... The least popular addition to the Avengers franchise.

A regular listener to the show, superstar on the MaxFunReddit, RachTacular, did some summer boy activities and put together like a little summer boy gift pack for us. She was nice enough to send our donor relations coordinator, Lindsay,

a cassette tape of A Prairie Home Companion, which was both a thoughtful gift for Lindsay and a cruel taunt to me. Am I missing the joke? I mean, I know you do not like Garrison Keillor. Oh, I didn't say anything like that. Oh, of course. No, you didn't. I work in public radio.

I have no opinion about Garrison Keillor other than a vague positive opinion. Yeah. You know what I was thinking of? A dream I had. Great. Anyway. Good work. Where we were talking off microphone.

Yeah, yeah. That's it. Why a cassette? I guess I don't get that part. I think she just found a cassette of A Prairie Home Companion and knew that Lindsay would like it and I would hate it. And does Lindsay have a boom box where she's playing this in the office? Not that I do hate it.

Or is this like a widely known fact about Lindsay that she's into? Because I feel like I know Lindsay pretty well and now I'm ashamed of myself. You didn't know about her horrible secret. Well, I just thought her whole thing was like she likes games, you know? I thought she was really into games and stuff.

She is into gaming. She likes to play those, it's a collaborative kind of online sort of games. She likes all kinds of games. She likes that kind where you get magic swords. She likes the kind where you pretend to be a lawyer. One time she was like, I was like, what's she doing over there? She's like, I'm moving animals across the river.

Yeah, exactly. I was like, I get it. That's fun. That's exactly the type of shit she's up to. Anyway, that was a nice, thoughtful gift for Lindsay. I think the answer is, you know, Lindsay's our donor relations coordinator, and Rachel is a leader in the Max Fund community, and so they're pals. Got it. You know?

I think she was nice enough to send me this root beer that we're going to try in a minute. It's a special edition Bavarian nutmeg root beer. Okay. And she sent you this t-shirt, Jordan. Let's check it out. I haven't actually checked it out yet. So it says, Under the Sun Tour, Summer 2015.

On the back we have all the acts. Well, I'm about to tell you. I can't wait. She's mentioned she got it at the State Fair. Okay. BTE, which I don't know what that is. That is... Instead of BTE...

Oh, Bachman-Turner-Uverdrive. Uverdrive. Uverdrive. Sugar Ray. Man, I think I know who they are. Wow, yeah. Love it. Because I'm a chill dude

I think it's pronounced Sigur Ros yes exactly they sing in a made up language about how chill they are I just want to laugh that would be great if Sugar Ray was like oh yeah none of those songs were in English those were all in our made up

Slovakian variant language. Uncle Cracker. Cracker with a K. Yeah, sure. That's like a low-rent Sugar Ray. Yeah, you don't remember that guy? I don't remember that guy.

Tell me about Uncle Cracker with a K. Well, I know he sang one song, and I can't remember what it is. He did. But I remember I was like, mm-hmm. He's not to be confused with Cracker, which is the thing that camper Van Beethoven was. No, I feel like his thing is like, oh, man, if I just could bust out every lyric, I wish I could. That would be great. But I got to know what he did. Because I'm sure the song's real good.

I got to know what his song is. Okay, well, Jesse, will you do some looking up? Because I bet if you looked up the title, I could really get down. And the final band on this lineup, Eve Six. Eve Six. Man, you're right. All of those are the same level of understanding. Uncle Cracker does appear to be a guy.

Yeah, he's a dude. It's one guy. He's like a white guy, right? Bigger, a little bit bigger. A little bit of a- Hefty white guy. Almost sort of like a- He's beefy.

Guy Fieri sort of a size person. He's not quite that size, but he's beefcake. He's in the genres rock, alternative rock, rap rock, pop rock, and country. Kid Rock's a little in there. Whatever his hit is, I remember there's a little rap. He's associated with the acts Kid Rock and Kenny Chesney, which is exactly the Venn diagram you want to be on. No offense to Kenny Chesney.

Oh, my gosh. Singer, lyricist, rapper, and guitarist. Influenced by fellow musician Kid Rock. So what's his big hit? Come on. It should just say. It's so funny. There should be a, this is my big hit section on Wikipedia, right? It's so funny to, like, I bet if you ask Kid Rock, what are your influences?

He'd probably say. Follow Me, which was co-written with Michael Bradford, was number five on the Billboard Hot 100. Well. Oh, that is it. And I still don't remember any part of that song. But I know it's true. It's funny to say, like, if you ask Kid Rock, like, what are your influences? He'd probably say, well, you know, Lynyrd Skynyrd and, of course, Run DMC.

Motley Crue. Motley Crue and all that. All that classic stuff. And this guy's like, my influence is Kid Rock. He's a guy I met once. Yeah. Follow me. I bet Uncle Cracker to get his record contract

keistered some heroin for Kid Rock and went through airport security. I bet that's what you have to do. He probably keistered some heroin for Kid Rock's little person. You're gonna play Yeah, this buzzing sound is part of the video because it's got kind of a hip. Oh, exactly.

There you go. Exactly. When was this? What's the year on this? I'm going to guess 97. Yeah. Er. Can't.

Freeze. So it's going to say fish in the sea. and say goodbye. All you know is when I'm with you, I make you freeze. So I'm just going to say fish in the sea. Fish in the sea. There you go. I'm a real part. Follow me. Everything is all right.

He is very beefy in this picture. And it looks like there's a black guy who was watering his lawn, but it looked like he was peeing which maybe is a black guy's a big dicks joke in the video hard to say a little disconcerting start strong with your with this tender summer ballad when's he gonna start rapping maybe i'm just thinking that he's like sing-talking. Yeah. I mean, I think this genre of music at this time,

the word rap was very loose. That's 100% true. Yeah. This is another one of his big hits. It's called Smile. He's very beefy. But this does sound like contemporary country. Like the country that's happening right now.

Yeah. That's a song. I recognize this song. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Okay, this sounds like this could be on a bill with Sugar Ray. And no one would blink an eye. I think Eve Six is a little more hard rocking.

No one would blink an eye. I think Eve 6 is a little more hard rocking. I've done some driving in the last couple months where I've been in areas that only have country music stations. And so I've been flipping around. And you know what? Modern country has its merits. I can get into it. But it is funny because there's a real hard edge to it where there's a lot of like Jason Alde dean is a dude who's really making some stuff happen for himself right now and it's a lot of like bottle of jack you know like when it's that level of just

like this is how hard i am get over here we're gonna have a bottle a entire bottle of bottle of jack i'm very uncomfortable when the country singer is telling me things that sound like rap things for instance that's a type of rap song. I mean country song right now. It's like a country guy says, like, you know, raise your hands in the air, wave them like you just don't care or something. Now, is this just the song Accidental Racist that you're describing? No, the song Accidental Racist is like an attempt to capitalize on that trend.

It's like, I don't remember what they call it, country hop. They're not rapping. They're just acting like rappers but being country singers. Sure. So it's like just take a rap song, add a melody to it, and change all the references to Bentleys to references to my beloved pickup truck. But I feel like that really unavoidable because everything has gone in that direction in terms of like the the adding some some synthesizer beat underscore sort of a thing like i feel like country dudes have to kind of use that i mean i feel like most pop stuff is like gone you know

everything sounds like a european dance music now know, everything sounds like European dance music now. Everything sounds like Max Martin. That's going to go all the way to people using a tin cup to play music. Sure, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The movie Tin Cup starring Kevin Costner. Right. The soundtrack to Tin Cup, which I'm sure is amazing.

I want to be clear that I like country music. That's just one thing kind of makes me feel weird. You don't like the intersection of this and that.'m just saying I think it's I think they're doing the best they can because like unfortunately Taylor Swift opened the floodgates now everything's everything's a lot Swift those were some nice floodgates we had once so you opened them up and now we can't close them should we try this root beer yeah dude can you what can you tell us about it going into it it's a it came in? It came in some kind of like a charger. Okay. It came in the kind of thing like you would keep your jam in. Not jam, but balsamic vinegar.

Okay. Like it has a flip top. Oh, sure. Like a Grolsch, like a Grolsch beer. Okay. This is Virgil's. This is a popular brand. I've seen this around. So Virgil's is not a good type of root beer. It is an overrated type of root beer. Shots fired. Yeah, absolutely. I went on our friend's show, Totally Beverages and Sometimes Hot Sauce, and we had a root beer tasting, and we determined that Virgil's root beer tastes like a combination of root beer and basically like a little bit of sweat drip or dirt. So this is actually, I'm going to read the label. It's a special edition Bavarian nutmeg. Yeah. And this bottle is a little nicer, so maybe this is kind of a small batch thing.

I do like that it comes in that nice bottle. Yeah. I like a bottle with the metal thing that goes down and you pop it up and the stopper comes out. This is the number one kind of beer to order at a bar if you're a nervous guy. If you like to fidget. Go ahead and fidget with that. Oh, boy, you could fidget with this thing all night. Oh, you could ruin eight, 12 dates.

You know what I mean? Yeah, right. Exactly. Okay. Well, yeah. Let's have a sip. Okay. Yeah.

This is good. I don't drink a lot of root beer. This is very nice, maybe not distinguishable from a dad's. It's fruity. It's pretty fruity. I'm getting a distinct dad's-esque, the brand dad's. Is that just the one root beer you've had? Boy, yeah, it's been a while.

Because I think it's the one root beer I've had. Or like, boy, is this a real A&W feeling. Sure. Yeah, I have – those are my two – I got two reference points. Yeah, nice, not remarkable, but very tasty. I do not taste any nutmeg unless Bavarian nutmeg

has a fruity taste. Yeah. But I do like a fruity root beer. Bavarian nutmeg, that's what in Bavaria they call a banana. Oh, got it.

Toss me a Bavarian nutmeg, they'll say. I have to say, I like this a lot better than regular Virgil's root beer. Yeah, tasty. Yeah, it's very nice. A nice summer treat.

Are you a root beer connoisseur in general? Is this something I just don't know about you? Well, I don't drink, so you have to have something. But it doesn't have to be this. Is this the thing you're into? Of all of the drinks? I have not really been drinking soda for quite a while, except for the occasional special occasions such as this. But yeah, basically, I don't drink, and I can't have caffeine because it's a migraine trigger.

So I was like a Dr. Pepper guy, but root beer doesn't have caffeine in it. Right. So, like, if I'm out somewhere and it goes real nice with, like, a burger or pizza or something like that, something sort of salty and savory, a root beer is a real nice complement to that. I got you. That makes perfect sense. Makes all the sense in the world. Yeah. Boiling.

That's my root beer, though. Boiling? You're going boiling? I'm all the way boiling. Okay. And it won on T-Bash. Can you get that places? Are you bringing that to your house?

If you're at a restaurant, are they having varieties of root beer there? If it's like a cool restaurant, they'll often have one of two things. They'll have like a retro root beer, like a Dad's in a Bottle or something like that, or IBC or something like that. Oh, man. None of those are particularly good. That is taking me back. Yeah, I remember having IBC cream sodas.. Oh, man. None of those are particularly good. That is taking me back. I remember having IBC cream sodas. And I remember that being cool.

There was a liquor store at a gas station where you could get IBC. Yeah, I remember when my sister was drinking IBC root beer. I was like, stop the handle, baby. Yeah. Can't wait until I get my license. It is very cool because it comes in a bottle with no label. It's embossed with the label, which is really neat. But it's not very good root beer.

But if you're like at a barbecue restaurant in Brooklyn, they will have boilings. I probably wouldn't be there. Or a delicatessen, like a fancy delicatessen. Because I'm one of the vegetarians these days. So, well, you might enjoy it with your tempeh. Yeah, that's right. Or your seitan. Carrie, you mentioned you had a period with malt beverages, 18-ish, which I think is the ideal age to be into malt beverages.

Absolutely. Where do you stand on them now and what is your barbecue thing of choice? Oh, guys, those are great questions. Number one, so I am this – I'm a stand-up comic. You'd think hard party, right? Double fisting after the show. When I lived in Chicago, I trained myself to be a hard drinker. Not like I would drink a lot, but I could drink – I would just drink neat whiskey.

Okay. And like nice, nice whiskey. Sure. Nice and neat. The old nice and neat. The old nice and neat. Give me the old nice and neat, you'll say to the barkeep. I'd say, I want you to, further than the top shelf, you get that from the roof, I would

say. You get that from the sub-basement of the place upstairs. Take your gun on the roof and shoot down the pigeon that is carrying that whiskey in its claws. And that's what I want. I'll take a triple A and that's a nice and neat. Then when I moved to Los Angeles, the interesting thing about this city and stand-up comedy is that – so in New York and Chicago and a lot of smaller markets, not that New York and Chicago are – I mean most of the other markets in the country, stand-up is something that you do multiple shows a night every night. So you stay out. So having like a sipping beverage is great.

You can order two whiskeys. You can order three whiskeys. You can have that all night. You can sip on it. I mean because I'm not like a huge – I wasn't a huge beer drinker at the time. But then I moved here to LA and everybody does like – maybe they'll do a show in town. time. But then I moved here to LA and everybody does like, maybe they'll do a show in town. Mostly people are at the point where they're touring comics or they're shooting television or movies in the morning or they've got to go home and write. So like nobody stays out. And

I'm just saying this because when Rhea and I moved here, we had this very funny moment. And also LA doesn't really have a bar culture. We had like these very funny moments where we'd be just like, so who's drinking whiskeys? And then like everybody would just be like, you guys are monsters. Like you're like, what is going on with you? I can relate though because of my Midwestern values. It's just a different thing. And so – and also so Ria no longer drinks at all. And then I will have like – maybe I'll have a beer at home if I'm feeling crazy.

But I also can't finish a beer. And I will take the cap off and then recap a bottle of beer. Put it in the fridge for later. Which Ria cannot believe. Sure. But continues to be true. Sometimes I'll drink it in thirds. Sure.

I mean, nothing's better than just a fucking flat-ass beer the night after. Yes, exactly. Absolutely. My wife Teresa does the same thing. I don't. Caps the beer. It's just where I'm at. So that is definitely what we got.

If you thought about maybe a Grolsch with this cap. That would be the answer. You're not having to jam a bottle cap back on this thing. It is kind of cute though to realize it still could go back on. It is cute. I remember the day I realized. Yeah. Oh, you can pop that right back on there and then take it off again.

I can't believe it. It is cute. But then also when we moved here, I became a vegetarian. So all of the things that I loved in Chicago, I'm talking about a neat whiskey. Sure. Several neat whiskeys and then you go hit Al's Italian Beef and you get a hot, sweet dipped Italian beef sandwich, hot and sweet peppers, and then they dip it in the beef juice.

So it's like soggy. What's this beef juice? Is this like a grease? Like an au jus. Like an au jus. Okay. Yeah. Sounds pretty good.

Yeah. So you dip it in there and then the whole sandwich is wet. Sounds dope. An intentionally wet sandwich. A wet ass sandwich. Yeah. Like it's fully dipped. So you get a nice-

The best thing you've ever had in your entire life. A wet sandwich and a nice and neat. Uh-huh. Yeah, exactly. I think I'm going to stop for a French dip on my way home. Yeah. So good. I'm excited about this.

So good. The problem is that now animals make me sad. So it's like a real bummer. That's fair. But I would love to eat that. So that's not really a barbecue answer, but on the last- Have you thought about maybe just dunking a zucchini in some grease? Maybe like a nice damp zucchini?

Like a zucchini juice. The sad thing is it would have to be like – so there's – it's – sometimes like fake things can be such – can be so much sadder because then you realize the absence. Oh, dramatically sadder. But I think there would be like a – there's a version where this could be like a mushroom juice. Okay. And you could dip like some sort of weird like whatever they used to make a veggie reuben in there. Maybe like a – something like a soy sauce, a garlicky soy sauce or something. But I mean if you're me and you're from Chicago and you grew up on the real stuff, you're going to have that and you're going to go, this tastes bonkers.

What's the closest you've gotten fake meat-wise to like a meat-like experience? The weird thing is that now I just like it. I just like it as a separate thing almost. And so sometimes I'll just eat it and it's like I forgot that the other thing actually exists. And then I'll go out to like a restaurant. People are eating hot dogs or steak or something. And then I will like smell what that actually smells like or taste like just the air. And then I remember like, oh, I'm not eating anything like fake bacon and real bacon are – it's like …

Incomparable. Yeah. It's like saying that a banana is a lot like eating nothing at all and starving yourself. I remember having a vegetarian house guest and going out of my way to get some fake bacon to have around the house. Yeah. And it was so insulting how bad this stuff was. Like it was – yeah, it was like you should just call it like a fairy strip or – We have one kind that we buy.

A little ready. And it's great and you just have to have it as a separate thing. Sure. Yes. Like Rhea has never had meat or fish in her life. Really? She's a lifelong vegetarian, even in the womb. And so she, like, has no reference point.

That would be fine if I just imagined just an ultrasound where the baby looks like it has a hot dog. The baby's just eating bacon. Like a hoagie. Yeah. When I get out of here, I'll be a vegetarian. You've got to grease the bacon up so you can shove it in there. Sure. You've got to grease it up, shove it in.

It's got a big old Dagwoods. Sure. You got to grease it up, shove it in. It's got a big old Dagwoods. Yeah, I think that like all of that stuff would best not to masquerade as the other thing. Just say this is a flavor strip or something like that. That is funny. I never thought of that.

You're right. I guess it could just be called long cylindrical. Yeah. Or it could just be a spicy tube. You could think people could just eat one of the many other things that they do eat, right? Have a zucchini. Oh, yeah, absolutely. There is something where, like, your body, my body, this happens less to Rhea because she didn't come from the background. My body, sometimes I just, like, need protein.

Like, I need to have protein or I'm going to die. Like, I'm going to eat somebody's face. But you can't just eat some nuts or something. Nuts help. Nuts actually really help. Some garbanzo beans? Beans help too. So you're like, this is either nuts or a face at this point. I'm either doing a handful of almonds or I'm gonna find a drifter and eat his face.

That's why it's so stressful to be on planes. You know what I mean? There's always that face point. Ooh, sorry, we only have pretzels. Oh, I'm gonna eat this guy's face then. Then I'm gonna watch the rest of Paul Blart 2. Maybe you know them as chickpeas. Yeah, yeah. I love beans and I love eating nuts.

But there's sometimes you just want like, I don't know, it's summer. You want to put a thing on a bun and you want to put some pickles on there. Yeah. And I get that. Yeah. And I get that like a lot of that. I'm literally still thinking about how I'm going to eat a French dip on my way home. No, I think that, yeah, and I get that like a lot of it. I'm literally still thinking about how I'm going to eat a French dip on my way home. No, I think that's a great idea.

And I get that, yeah, like, you know, other than the just like, you know, getting protein or getting nourishment, you do want a condom delivery system or a cheese delivery system or a bun delivery system. Did you say a condom delivery system? I did a condom delivery system. That's what I call my penis. It's a condom delivery system. Got to get that Jimmy hat. Yeah, a condom and delivery system. Sorry, man.

My penis comes with it. 100% true. Right. 100% true. Condom delivery system almost never comes up in my house I needed a condom and had to call down to the front desk. Wait. Do they have them? At a nicer hotel, they will bring you an intimacy kit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen the intimacy kits in the room. I always just tear them open and throw them in the toilet. No, I don't. I do. Yeah, yeah. But they have that at the front desk. And having to like just sit on the bed and wait for it to come and then to like put on a robe and then accept it from the elderly man who's working at 4 a.m. And when you say wait for it to come, you mean yourself.

Yes, exactly. You're like, this condom better get here soon. Because I'm about to blast just laying on this bed. So what did you – I'm watching an ASMR video. Do you remember what you said? Huh? Do you remember what you – what were the specific words that you used when you called the front desk?

Hi, I have an erection. Y'all, I'm about to blast. I just called. I just said that into the phone. I'm going to need laundry pickup in the morning, if you know what I mean. Yeah, right. I would like it if it was. Ma'am, I'm about to power splooge.

Could you send an elderly man? Yes, I need an elderly man to help me with jizzing. You know like how the old trope when you're going to buy condoms at the liquor store and when you're young you're embarrassed. So you buy ten other things that you don't need. So you're not just buying a pack of condoms. I would like it if that transferred over into calling down. You're like, okay, got to eat breakfast in the morning. So let's get two eggs, OJ pot of coffee, laundry, got to do that.

So I'm going to leave some shirts and an intimacy kit. And yeah, let's just shoot up a couple of pay-per-view movies. You do that? Is that where you do this? Shoot up a Paul Blart. Anyway, yeah, very embarrassing having to. That's just the there should be a condom shoot. But do you remember what you said? No. No idea.

To the man on the phone? Yeah. I guess I'm curious as to first of all I'm so proud of you that you chose safe sex. Thank you. And I'm happy. I'm proud of you too for becoming a vegetarian. I have chosen the safest of sex. Sure. Turns out. I mean it the safest of sex, it turns out.

I mean, it was foisted upon me by the universe. We are pretty low in terms of STDs. Jordan, is your penis not a condiment delivery system? I mean, it smells like mustard, I've been told. A couple of sport peppers on there, am I right? Don't get a little au jus. And I scald myself. What am I going to use to eat sweet pickle relish?

I'm sorry. I'll just have to find some temp. Got it. I think if I'm remembering this correctly, I for some reason knew the term intimacy kit. Oh, great. Great, great, great. Yeah. So you said, do you at the front desk have an intimacy kit?

And they said, absolutely, sir. Right away. Thank you. And you were like, cannot, great. So you said, do you at the front desk have an intimacy kit? And they said, absolutely, sir, right away. Thank you for choosing Holiday Inn. Cannot possibly be fast enough. Did you think about talking to your therapist about your issues with intimacy kits? Yes, they don't come fast enough. Yeah, and it's so funny of like in that moment, you know, they're overcharging you. You need a condom and they are giving you a little lube packet and a dental dam and uh a single rose to float in the bathtub

afterwards this i think this came up on jordan jesse go you're a lesbian has any lesbian ever actually used a dental dam like is that a real thing and because that's what it's for it's so that lesbians have something in the little in the little story or the little kid most excited i have ever seen in the i think i've known you for four years pulled the lesbians right yeah um you know i think it really depends on what you're on who you're talking about because i think there are a lot of lesbians that are into like toys and because just like equipment it's a it's a i my experience has been that it's a community that really varies like any community and that there are some people on the spectrum of

this is not stacking up cameron i'm pretty sure this is a homogeneous group that you represent personally with your own personal experience. I feel like there are – so I feel like there's lesbians who are into like things like lots of partners and also education. Like because there's a – so you guys know female-owned sex toy stores, like the movement there. Absolutely. I grew up like three blocks from Good Vibrations. So Good Vibrations or like Early Tibet. toy stores like the movement there absolutely I grew up like three blocks from good vibrations so good vibrations or like early to

bad and she got like there's a there's like that movement there and the pleasure chest here is responsible for our anal August holiday yes by the way happy anal August everyone

yeah we discussed I don't know that the pleasure chest is a is a woman-owned sex toy store and I only bring that up I know that they're very the staff there is very female

heavy but there's something even one degree more San Francisco that I'm talking about where it's just like there's a lot of kind of like I'm very full. I mean, sure. Just, you know, how I'm aware. Yes. Glances. And then, yeah, lots of like consultations about the solar powered vibrators that they have – Basically where I was from, you had to actively and aggressively prevent yourself from having a helpful lesbian give you a dental dam. So I feel like those people, those women that are in that community, that's probably something that really comes up a lot. Or like people putting condoms on sex toys, that kind of thing. Because I think that's also something that happens. Yeah, condoms on sex toys. That's a real thing.

It is. It is. It is because like you wash – you might wash it, dishwasher or boil it, but you still might have a lot of partners. So I feel like that's who uses that. That being said, I feel like more women could use dental dams. But the issue is that our biggest worry is the same thing as any other person's – like the most – the thing that we all have. We all have herpes. Everybody has herpes. We all have herpes all the time.

I've got two of them. Yeah. It's like one in four and most people don't present. I guess what I'm saying is we should technically all be using dental dams all the time because of that. I use dental dams when I'm writing, like if I'm working on Bullseye or one of my other things. And I always use a dental dam here on Jordan Jesse Go just to keep Jordan – I don't want to say at arm's length, but at dam's length. Sure. Sure. One time my little sister called me and she was like, I'm at a hotel room and my friends and I have taken a dental dram and we've stretched it as a volleyball net and we blow up a condom and we're playing with that. So, I mean, this is my straight younger sister and I think she was in high school at the time.

So in case you're wondering if any pornographic situations are real, that is a phone call that I got. She was laughing very hard. You're 100 percent certain that she wasn't at freshman orientation at a liberal arts college because that is all that happens there we're having some mocktails so I just want to finish that by saying

I think the final point that I was going to make because I'm sure there's also a lot of listeners that are on medication so the main issue is like actually herpes isn't that big of a deal. Like most people live with it for the rest of their life. So it's like,

that's like our big thing that we're avoiding. Even if you are showing, I mean, right now, I mean, the audience can't see my face, but it is a massive pulsating sores. And it's fine. It is not a problem for me. I can speak clearly.

People respect me. I just feel like if you're kissing people, you are kissing people. I ran into this issue at work this week. Getting herpes. Getting herpes. I just do a lot of kissing around the office. Sure. You know, if somebody goes out for a coffee run, I reward them with a kiss.

So they're like, OK, well, we got the we got the first round of the game all set. Oral genital contact. Sure. That's next. I we're doing. What were we doing? What was the what was the thing you guys wouldn't know? You weren't there.

Oh, something about the best places in America to live. There was a new list came out, best places in America to live. And the joke in the script was for 10 years running, the worst place to live is Jose Canseco's camper van. Jose Canseco's camper van. If you lived here, you'd have herpes by now. And the legal department says we can't say that because we don't know if Jose Canseco has herpes. 100%. I'm like, yes. I'm like, send them the statistics. There't know if Jose Canseco has herpes. 100%. I'm like, yes.

I'm like, send them the statistics. There's no way Jose Canseco doesn't have herpes. Like, I will – if he sues and wants to take the fucking test to show us he doesn't have herpes, I will like – I will stake my career on this. A little bit though. Fuck you that you need this guy to take a test to prove to you that he doesn't have herpes. This is the kind of arrogance that I hate in you, Jordan. I am being put in my place. Whenever I come into an audition and I am you.

And they ask you to be me. Yeah. I always throw out some sort of like, prove to me. Yeah. And I say that to the audience because I'm always auditioning for the full audience of people. You're seeing full audience of people. You have a lot of auditions for like water park shows and stuff like that. Yeah.

Where they just send you out there and see how you do. Right, right. Down a water slide? Absolutely. Or being a surgeon in the early 1900s. Right. For some reason, the fix of that problem was you could say if you lived here, you'd have scabies by now. So it's okay to say that Jose Canseco has scabies but not herpes? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Dave Holmes. And if you've been missing my show, International Waters, you've been missing this. If there's one thing I know about owls, they are wise. Two things. They are wise. Yes. They love nightclubs. They wear tiny graduation motorboards, and they love nightclubs.

They also do the best double takes of all birds of prey. And if you slow it down, they actually go. International Waters, a panel show where U.S. and U.K. comedians battle for pop culture supremacy. Subscribe right now on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thor la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, play detective.

Cameron Esposito. And I am going to tell you about sex education facts. I like Cameron that we managed to pivot completely into friendly lesbian sex instruction. Yeah, absolutely. That's why people listen to this show. I am here to dispel the myths. Sure. It ain't a big deal. Just get on some medication.

Yeah. You're going to have very few breakouts. But don't go near Jose Canseco because apparently he's never had it. Right. Legally. Well, I'd like to see that test, Jordan. Yeah.

Sorry, Cameron. I just don't believe that you white straight men deserve any tests. God. They are biased towards us. God, you social justice warriors who won't let us get tested for STDs. Okay, let's start with the summer boy. Sure. Should we start with the summer boy?

I'd love to. So it's the summer of summer boys, Cameron Esposito. I want to be clear. The summer boy is not a gendered term. I mean, it's gendered in a literal sense. But it could be anything? It could be any gender, anywhere along the gender spectrum. But is it a person?

It's a way of being. It's a lifestyle. Everyone, from Astrid Barbie to Black Ken. Are we talking about like a bucket hat? Cabo Wabo Cantina is a lifestyle. Summer Boy is a lifestyle. Got it. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Does that make sense? I'm totally with you.

Just imagine it's like... Like the Boys of Summer would be Summer Boys? You got it. Yeah. They absolutely are Summer Boys. That's a specific, very melancholy take on the concept. Hey, they're gone. They're never coming back. Let's take a listen. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Go.

This is Rotea from Portland, Oregon, calling in with some summer boy shit. A, I snuck into the Bernie Sanders rally with a fake press pass and got to observe it from the chillest point possible right next to CNN. B, I went out to the woods by myself, got sick, got drunk, and in some sort of whiskey-induced fever dream wrote my very first rap. Goodbye. Cool. Getting drunk alone in the woods.

Some fucking Portland, Oregon shit going down right now. I absolutely anticipated that she was going to mention whiskey later when she said, hello, Jordan and Jesse Endigo. That was just my favorite part of that. I really liked that a lot. Yeah, you know what? There's a circumstance where I would be annoyed by this, but I did like her 40s dame drawl.

I don't know if that was an affect or not, if that's just how she talked, but I thought it was a news from the summer boy front now. Are you sure it was a lady? Because I kind of thought it was Matt Bronger. Well, it's hard to say. Could be comedic Matt Bronger. God, I wish I had a Matt Bronger impression. Insert Matt Bronger impression. That would be great. It would be great to have a Matt Bronger impression. Insert Matt Bronger impression. That would be great.

It would be great to have a Matt Bronger impression. It's like, you know. What I was imagining was a lady doing a 40s dame. Oh, yeah. Sure. You think she's like a sexy secretary? Could be. Or just a tough secretary.

Snuck into the Bernie Sanders rally is the most Bernie Sanders thing I can possibly imagine. Do you have to pay to go to a Bernie Sanders rally? No, you definitely don't. It's 100% free. But she wanted to be in the press area, apparently. Because it's chiller. It's more chill there. She wanted to just ask some questions. You're not going to get hurt.

Hobnob with the guys from Pacifica Radio. Didn't want to get all hyped up. Just wanted to shake hands with Amy Goodman. Sure. Who wouldn't? Yeah. Yeah, and then got drunk in the woods and wrote a rap. How about that? I actually debate whether politics falls under Summer Boy.

You know, I am proud of this person for being creative. I'm real glad we didn't have to hear the rap. Yeah. Real glad. That was a real fake out, I thought for sure. Yeah. But then just

imagine it, see ya! That's a cool move. My name is Bernie and I'm here to say I marched with MLK in a major way. So lay off me today.

Okay, let's, we got, this one is a combination summer boy momentous occasion from what I, from what I have been led to believe by our producer, Colin.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh. I have a momentous occasion. I was taking my dog out walking down the stairs of my apartment building. My dog threw up on the stairs, but I didn't notice him do this. And I slipped in the throw up, and I almost broke my neck falling down the stairs. I'm fine. Also, I swam in the Atlantic Ocean yesterday while on mushrooms, and it was very summer boy. There seems to be some sort of interesting pattern where the first one is like a regular kind of thing happened and

then the second one is and then boy was I out of my mind on this other substance. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm noticing. People are getting fucked up out there. There seems to be. When you called for raising the stakes on the summer boy stuff, like kicking it up to a new level.

Sure. I'm concerned that people may have taken that as destroying themselves from the inside out. Yeah. Pushing themselves drug-wise. Yeah. Sexually. Yeah. I'm all for it.

You ask people to kick it up a notch? Did you use that phrase because only because mushrooms is an interesting response to that? Also whiskey. Both of which will really mellow you out. Sure. Like, I mean. Yeah. If you just want to chill at home.

I'm going to crank it up a notch. Shroom and pound some jacks. Pop some of these shrooms. I think, and I think maybe I was misunderstood because I feel like in this, in this, in this topic, I'm being made out to be positively beastly. No, I think you were talking about like windsurfing, right? Like windsurfing, but on land with wheels. Well, I mean, I think that would be fucking sweet.

On land with wheels? Well, I mean, I think that would be fucking sweet. I think what I was saying for the summer boy calls was that we've heard barbecue. We've heard chilling and grilling. Great. I'm not saying don't do those things. And I want to clarify what I meant. I'm for all those things.

God bless you. What I'm saying is if you are going to call in, kick it up a notch. Can I give you some summer boy shit? Can I give you some summer boy shit? Can I give you some summer boy shit? This is not something that happened to me. It's just an example of kicking it up a notch. My Aunt Gail does Husky Rescue. Sure.

And she and her former partner, Deb, would get together with their Husky Rescue friends, which is to say all of the lesbians of Oakland, California, would meet in a park in the center. One dental dam betwixt. You got it. And they would get a mushing sled and attach wheels to it and mush the huskies through the park. Tilden Park, I think it was, or one of these parks in the East Bay, in the height of summer, because that's what the dogs love to do. By the way, that particular group of people, instrumental in the movement for marriage equality.

Absolutely. Because if you see a bunch of ladies on a husky sled on wheels, how could you possibly take away their right to marry? Sure. You'd have to be a monster. What are you? Yeah. Now, granted, is my aunt the type of old-timey lesbian that is opposed to marriage in general for some reason that I don't understand 100% that has to do with the patriarchy?

Yes. And those are the kind of people that open the door. Yeah, exactly. Furiously. Angrily. If it weren't for my Aunt Gail, none of us would be mushing husky dogs in California today. That's true. Right?

And that's, I mean, because of the drought, that's like one of our number ones. And I don't really understand why Ted Cruz wants to stop that. Yeah. I don't get it either. It's an odd platform. I don't know why he's spending so much time on it. A lot of Republicans talking about deporting husky dogs. Yeah. I don't understand that. And building so much time. A lot of Republicans talking about deporting husky dogs. Yeah.

And building a wall between here and Alaska. Right, exactly. And if a husky is pregnant with a human baby, it has to have that baby. Yeah. Which I'm against. Hey, Musha, and I'm just speaking for them now, Musha Golden Retriever, Musha Labrador, an American

dog. And I know Alaska's part of America, but I'm so Republican. And Labrador isn't. Where's Labrador from? Where's Labrador? Scotland, Colin? Hmm. Scandinavia?

I think it came from a lab. It's somewhere in Northern Europe. One of them test tube doggies. One of them test tube dogs, yeah, which I don't agree with either. Right. As this Republican character that I have not thought out. Take all these stem cells and put them in a – I don't know why I got Southern. I just mispronounced cells.

Y'all mushing them stem cell dogs? Oh, it's in Newfoundland. Labrador is in Newfoundland. It strikes me as an American dog, as a noble, patriotic dog. Well, you're just thinking of bandanas, which are American. That's true. But that could be on any dog. Yeah, I guess you're right.

My dog is a chihuahua, not an American dog. We have very similar dogs. You know that, right? Wait, what's the weight of your dog? My dogs are bigger than your dogs. Okay, yeah. But like looks-wise? But looks-wise, they're very similar.

With little weird neck hairs? Well, Chi-Chi and Scruffy's Chi-Chi's. Scruffy Chi-Chi's. We have a momentous occasion. Let's hear it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guest. This is Josh from New Haven, Connecticut. Just calling in with a momentous occasion.

I was riding my bike home from the grocery store this morning, and I saw an older woman walking her dog and her parrot. Yeah. So I said hello to her as most gentlemen would on a bike ride in the morning and she didn't respond but her parrot did with a kindly hello.

Thanks guys. Love the show. That is so satisfying. I was going to be critical because I feel like we've heard about parrots. Eccentric person walking strange animal. Yeah.

Uh-huh. But That wasn't the point of the story. It was not. And I like that about it too. And I'm just being open here and saying that I know I seem like

a great open-minded guy but I can be a little judgmental. Sure. And I'm owning that. It was a bit of a red parrot. Sure. You weren't sure if that was going to be

the main point of the story. But that was nice. I think sometimes you can – Don't shake your head in disgust. That was great. Sorry. I can be a little judgmental. Sure.

I'm like, Jordan, a red parrot. She's replaced herring with parrot. They're both animals. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's terrific. One's a fish. One's a bird.

I don't think it's a big deal. Either way, it's going to throw you off the set. Right. So, yeah. I liked it. I'm for that call., one's a bird. I don't think it's a big deal. Either way, it's going to throw you off the set. Right. So, yeah, I liked it. I'm for that call. I was against it initially. Now I'm for it. Yeah, I'm for it, too.

If you've got a momentous occasion out there to share with us, call us at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Oh, hey, Jordan. You know, I'm going next month. I'm going to go to Copenhagen and Stockholm. Sure. I've heard from a few Copenhageners and Stockholmites. I'm definitely going to put some shit together.

Great. Draw me a line. I can't. I'm not going to keep track of the line that you draw me, but I'm interested to hear from you. If you're in Stockholm and Copenhagen, you got some tips and tricks, you know, whatever, where I should buy furniture. Is it Stockholmies? Stockholmies. Right?

I like that. Yeah. All my Stockholmies and Copenhags. Sure. You got it. Stockholmies? Copenhome boys? Yeah.

I've enjoyed hearing from some people. Copenhagandaz. I heard from somebody whose wife invented like scarf that turns into a bicycle helmet by exploding like an airbag you have yeah i haven't heard of that they live by a castle i might go visit them how haven't you heard of that i'm not trying to be hard on you i just hey no that's okay when i've been you've been really riding my ass for this podcast i know i have i know i have but when i just because i want to see if jose quinceco has herpes hey guys i haven't heard of this helmet.

Guys. Listen, all I'm saying is that when I found about this. Cameron. We're all in the same gang. When I heard about this helmet, I feel like I went to your house personally. Yeah. And told you about it. I was so excited.

I went to all my friends' houses. Wow. Yeah. Did you just, you weren't home? Yeah, I might not have been home. I might have been out of it. Yeah, it's hard to say. I probably left a newspaper clipping.

You know what? Probably slid it under your mat. Do you look under your mat for newspaper clippings about home? You know what I thought it was? I just thought it was a ransom note and I threw it out. Oh, no. It was... If the kidnappers are out there, I don't want my daughter back. Stop sending me ransom notes. Oh, you know what? I'm also going to open it up one more

door. Oh, no. If you live in Malmo, if you live in Malmo, I think I'm going to take a day trip. And I'm going to open it up one more door. Oh, no. If you live in Malmo. If you live in Malmo, I think I'm going to take a day trip. And I'm going to open it up one more door, put that ring in the volcano. Jesus Christ. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, on this show guy. Boy. Should we have a Twitter feud? I think that would raise both of our, like, visibility.

Absolutely. What do you want to start with? Let's, you know, we'll start with Jose Canseco. Great. Not having heard of a bicycle helmet. The old sakes.

I can write some tweets about that guy. He makes baseballs go up with a bat. And then I'll just get real racist. Okay, great. Cool.

That sounds like I'm going to be the good guy. Yeah. Overall That sounds like I'm going to be the good guy. Yeah. Overall. Oh, I'm going to be the bad boy of Twitter. Guys, I'm a little worried that we might think that this will raise both of your profiles because, you know, you're like longtime friends, but now you're beefing. What if it's a Drake-Meek Mill situation?

And despite being the only one out of those two that's good, Jordan, sorry, you're bad. You're Drake. Oh, no. But while it doesn't actually matter, if I'm Drake, that's good, Jordan, sorry, you're bad. You're Drake. Oh, no. But while it doesn't actually matter. If I'm Drake, that's fine. Yeah. Who cares? You end up winning.

You're very handsome. Right. Exactly. Plus like – Cry at a basketball game. Again, I mean I'm real sad if I'm Drake and I lose him. Oh, it's so terrible. Sure.

I'm just like the most successful person to ever come out of Degrassi. Like who cares? Did Drake cry at a basketball game? I just – these are two things I know about Drake. He's emotional and he likes to go to basketball games. You know a third thing? Canadian. Yeah, Canadian. Also, it's very fun to go through

internet images of Drake being excited at a basketball game. He looks eight and it's terrific. Also, I think he's Jewish. Is that true? I don't know. I think it is. I think he's part Jewish. And I don't think it's his mom. He had like an adult bar mitzvah or something.

There's some part of him that feels more Jewish than the other. Uncle Cracker Caliper penis joke, Cameron. Oh, that's amazing. Colin Anderson on the boards this week. Thank you, Colin. Stayed late for us. Brian Fernandez out in London, England.

You can join us on Reddit. MaximumFun.reddit.com. Lots of fun talk about this there. On Facebook, join the Maximum Fun group on Facebook. Chat about it on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo. We love these things. We check in on these things. Or Jose Can Say Go. No.

Is a new one for this week. Yep. Don't do,. Or Jose Cansego. No. Is a new one for this week. Yep. Don't do, no. Jose Cansego. Cansego. Go to your doctors and get tested for herpes. Send the results to Jordan. Jose Cansego.

Cameron Esposito is a brilliant professional comedian. Yeah. Jose Cansego. Yep. Mm-hmm. What do you think I'd get paid for? It's mostly that. Do you think if he, I don't know, had a cheese named after him, it'd be Jose Manchego?

I think it would. This is fun. Cameron, you and Ria are going out on tour sometime soon, right? Oh, we have this huge tour that's starting up in the middle of September. We're going to be in New York, Seattle, Portland, a million places in the Midwest. Are you visiting anywhere in what you call the flyover country? Yeah, we are. We're going to a bunch of places in Missouri.

We're going to Columbia and St. Louis and also Kansas City. That's where my father's from. Yeah. That's where I got my heartland values. And I got some Canadian stuff going on as well. So just – it's all at CameronEsposito.com slash shows or you can follow me on Twitter at CameronEsposito and you will know when I'm coming to your spot. So you should definitely do that. I think you should follow Cameron on Twitter one way or another.

Whether or not you intend to go see her show when she comes to your town. That's right. I mean sometimes I just have a great tweet. You're like, oh, I was having a bummer day. Then here this gal came in, Jose Gonzaga. I'm going to give you an example. Like let's say you're at work and your boss just yelled at you because he's upset that you incorrectly collated the big report. Okay.

You're sitting there at your desk. You're crying. You open up Twitter. What do you see? A dog herring. What was that? Yeah, a red parrot. A red parrot. A red parrot.

Jesus Christ, what a pile of garbage. It's that kind of level stuff. Who are you, me? Come on. Yes, sometimes. For auditions, for the purposes of certain auditions. Yes, you have to be. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica.

We'll see you next time on Jordan and Jessica. For the purposes of certain auditions, yes, you have to be. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye-bye.