Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 393: Two Curly-Haired Legends with Erin Gibson

Episode Date: September 7, 2015

Comedian and writer Erin Gibson joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's new tattoo, Erin's suicide plan, and a new plan for how to correct people on Twitter.  Plus, Buzz the dog joins in the fun and we finish out the summer of summer boy.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us this week, Buzz the Dog. If he starts howling outside the studio, let me put it this way. If you hear howling outside the studio, that's Brian. Okay. If it's sort of ethereal and otherworldly, it's probably the dog.

Yeah. If it's happy howling, that's Brian just enjoying the show. Yeah. Just having a good time. Delighting everyone. Yeah. Producer Brian. Without exception.

You know what? A lot of times people ask us, aren't you in a soundproof booth? Yeah, but Brian is loud. Sure. He's naturally a loud man. But if it's a mournful howling, that's Buzz. Yeah, exactly. He's sad that I saved him from euthanasia.

Yeah, he's a homeless dog who is yearning for the release of death. Let's introduce another dog, another big-time dog saver on the program. Oh, hold on. One real quick. I can't hear myself. Can we crank my headphones a little bit? Yeah. Which one are you? Thanks. This one.

Let's try this one. Talk, talk, talk. There we go. Great. Yeah. You got it? Mm-hmm. Might have been just your mic was not. Could be. There we go.

Okay. Let's introduce our guest on the program, also a dog saver. Also a member of the animal kingdom. Who is anxious for death. Oh, please. Sweet release. I need it. Erin Gibson, suicidal seal.

I do have a suicide plan for when I can't get out of chairs anymore. Wait a minute. Hold on. You have a suicide plan? That means we're supposed to call the authorities. You tell us your plan for suicide. Yeah, podcasting confidentiality goes out the window if you're going to – if you have self-harm. Tens of thousands of people right now are legally and morally obligated to notify psychiatric authorities that you have a plan to commit suicide. I have a PR.

I have a better way to spin this. It's self-elderly euthanasia. OK. Elderly self-euthanasia. Elderly self-euthanasia. Yes. So it clicks in when you get your get that first AARP mailing. Can't take care of myself anymore.

The poops are off the, you know, who knows what's happening with the butt, you know. Sure. Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? You know, God only knows, as Brian Wilson once said. Sure. That's what that song's about.

Uh-huh. It's about what you don't know is a coming. A lot of people think it's about a love affair. It's actually about elder care. It is. It's about the lack of your bodily function. God only knows why I can't pee and poo. Yeah, see?

Those are the original lyrics. They're implied. I can't stand up anymore. God only knows what's happening with my butt. Right. So I go to Paris. One-way ticket to Paris. Gay Paris.

Book a beautiful – Blow up the plane. Oh, sorry. Oh, this is interesting. Take a lot of motherfuckers down with you. It's very simple. Just do a nice hotel. Do a pill sandwich and look at the Eiffel Tower and say goodbye.

Now, you're having that pill sandwich on a baguette? Yeah, yeah. On ciabatta? In brie. Okay. Shoved in a brie. Ooh, that's nice. Yeah.

That's nice. Maybe warm it up a little bit. Some cornichons, yeah. Warm, melt it a little bit. A little piece of basil, yeah. That sounds nice. Have you thought about joining some sort of suicide squad? Oh, like to do something good while I'm in debt?

Yeah, just for like one last mission. Yeah. I mean, do they take old people? I think so. I Yeah, just for like one last mission. Yeah. I mean, do they take old people? I think so. I mean, I think if you have a special ability. No. Oh, is my special ability my urge to die? Yes, exactly.

Yeah, and I mean like not giving a fuck. I mean, I think that's kind of a principal tenet of becoming part of the suicide squad. If I'm in class when I'm losing bodily function, I'll consider it because I'll at least have the cardio. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I think you can do it. Thanks, guys. If Arnold and Sly can do it,

I call him Sly, I think you can do it, Eric. Yeah. Women can be expendables at an old age. Then you've got plenty of time to get leathery. Oh, yeah.

Just start applying the self-tanner now. So when the time comes, you're sufficiently orange. Do I have to be on Cigar Aficionado before all this? It helps. Although their standards are pretty low. What are they? Like, there was a time when it was just, you know, when it was all Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Tom Arnold. I forgot he's also a regular.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold. I forgot he's also a regular. But at some point, you know, at some point they just started taking pictures of people they saw with cigars. I saw Vince Vaughn on the latest at a hotel. Wow. Do you think Cigar Aficionado is changing with the times to include vape products or celebrity vapors? Celebrity vapists. That seems more like a high times thing.

Yeah, it could be. Like high times would include that. I'm just saying like for, you know, the cigar craze, I know it seems like it'll never die out because it's still going strong since 1992. Because it's addictive. Yeah. I mean, we all, you know, I mean, I know it. Cigars since 1992? Isn't that when like the cigar thing came back?

I guess so. Is that around the same time? When fedoras, it's like when- I was very, right, I know it. Cigars since 1992? Isn't that when like the cigar thing came back? I guess so. Is that around the same time? When fedoras – it's like when – I was very – right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so maybe like 96, 97. Gotcha. Okay.

I mean, and it's like swing dancing, still relevant. Wait, I have a question. Have you guys ever – do you smoke cigars? No. I have smoked a few cigars. How do you do it? It's kind of fun. It's like you don't inhale it.

You just puff. But then what's the – do you get high? I mean do you get like a nicotine buzz? There's a little up that comes with it. Okay. Yeah. And again, sometimes it's a complex bouquet like a fine whiskey or something like that. Oh, gross.

It's not that – and it leaves a weird taste in your mouth for hours afterwards. Ew. It's not – it is a mostly unpleasant experience with some positives. I think I would enjoy an unlit cigar that I could chomp on. If it was like coming apart at the end like a hobo cigar. Nice and salivating. And I could go like, you know? I mean, Jesse, you can do that.

Yeah, just maul down on a cigar. You can do that. You're talking about this like it's some far-off fantasy. Jordan, I don't know. I don't believe in myself. No, I think you can do that. Yeah, just maw down on a cigar. You can do that. You're talking about this like it's some far-off fantasy. Gordon, I don't know. I don't believe in myself. No, I think you can do it, buddy. Just go down to, you know, Jimmy's Humidor. Jimmy's Humidoria.

Uh-huh. Talk to Jimmy. We've got open trade with Cuba. You can get some of the best cigars now. Yeah. It's a great time to do it. To not light and just chew on and go, yeah. With Cuba, you can get some of the best cigars now.

Yeah. It's a great time to do it. To not light and just chew on and go, yeah. Like I could tell people whether or not they're going to make it in show business. It was really like inspiring to see John Kerry raise the American flag at the Cuban embassy, put that cigar in his mouth and go, yeah. Yeah. Did you watch that? That was what America is all about. Sure.

I did watch that. Yeah. Did you watch that? That was what America is all about. Sure. I did watch that. Yeah. They had a lot too many poems. How many poems were there? I do remember some poetry, but I don't remember there being an excess of it. I didn't watch it live. There was like a Cuban national who good for him. Number one.

But he was doing a lot of patriotic poetry to the country and it wasn't good. And he only got to do it because he was the only guy who knows how to rhyme in English in Cuba. Do you think it's possible that the secretary of state, John Kerry, agreed to that because he knew that it would lead to people understanding that socialism inevitably is followed by an excess of poetry? Oh, yeah. As a warning? Because the people are like, well, I could either work in this factory or be a poet guy.

Yeah, that's what they call them, poet guys. You just have to apply, you know, know the right guy. Yeah. And maybe I'm the guy. You could be the guy. You know... I want...

Okay, hold on. You don't want to talk about cuba i want i want to plug do you want to go yeah right at the top of the program okay because the three of us along with our great friend brian safi and brian fernandez is coming along as well uh are going to be in portland oregon on saturday night the 12th right the 12th of September at the Hollywood Theater doing our shows together. I think it's going to be very exciting. It's going to be unprecedented. Almost sold out already.

Aaron just told us the ticket numbers. There is a narrow window that is about to close when I say special guest on the show, Corinne Tucker from Slater-Kinney. There we go. Do you think that the people of Portland will be interested in Corinne Tucker of Slater-Kinney. There we go. Jesse, do you think that the people of Portland will be interested in Corinne Tucker of Slater-Kinney? I don't know. I mean, I think you should have. I mean, she's great and all. Yeah.

She's a fun lady. I think you should have taken into account where we were doing our show. I mean, instead of just booking this random guest that, you know, maybe people won't even know who she is. It is like doing. Let me just explain to people if they don't know. It is like getting Hank Williams Jr. in Dallas. It is the equivalent of that.

It's like, let's say you're in London. It's like booking the Queen Mother. Yes. Or at the very least, a handsome corgi. It's like Bj the Queen Mother. Yes! Or at the very least a handsome corgi. It's like Bjork in Iceland. Sure. Yeah. Exactly. Can you imagine what it's like to be Bjork

in Iceland? You know, like only like 500,000 people or something live in Iceland? In the entire country of Iceland? Like imagine imagine if you were in if Sacramento was a country like the Sacramento area. I would like to not do that.

Imagine that the Sacramento area is a country and Bjork is from there and Bjork lives there and hangs out there all the time. If you were a Sacramentite, how fucking, how much would you flip out if you saw Bjork? i don't know lately she says

some crazy stuff i do feel like people in iceland are like she's we're not all like that i feel like they're like distance themselves a tiny we're not all impish yeah it's sort of like how i as a san franciscan felt as a child about wavy gravy oh my god wait i don't even know what that – it's not a gravy, correct? It's not a sentient gravy. Is it – okay, here's what I think it is. Yeah. Not a gravy. Correct. You're gold so far.

String cheese incident-esque band? No. It's a man. Oh, it's a – who does a – he's the guy who did Big Eyes? No. That guy is did Big Eyes? No. That guy is from San Francisco though. I don't know. Who is Wavy Gravy?

His wife was the one who actually did the painting. Yeah, but he really got all the – he deserved all the credit. Yeah. For marrying her. Yeah. Discovering talent. Yeah. Yeah.

And putting her in an attic where she could paint. For owning her. Right. Yeah. Who is Wavy Gravy? As God intends. Wavy Gravy is an elderly hippie. He must be genuinely elderly now because he was moderately elderly when I was a kid.

He ran security at Woodstock. Oh. Famously. That's probably his most – his number one credit is that he was in charge. A job. He was like a leader. He was a hippie leader, like a Ken Kesey,

like a talentless Ken Kesey. Mm-hmm. And he ran security at Woodstock. Famously, his plan was to build a moat full of Jell-O. Okay. Now I feel like this is all coming together now.

And then as an adult, he was just a celebrity hippie. He's a Ben and Jerry's flavor, has always been. And he ran a rainbow-themed circus camp. Did he make any – how do people like that pay rent? Not to sound like an old, like, Republican. I think you do – well, you run the circus camp. That's bringing in some money. He's probably got a couple of memoirs. Yeah, memoirs, engaged, Republican. I think you do engage – well, you run the circus camp. That's bringing in some money. He's probably got a couple of memoirs.

Yeah, memoirs, engaged speaking engagements. I mean, I think Camp Winter Rainbow is a pretty – Money is a money pit. It's a money – No, it's a money generator. It's a money generator. It's a gusher. If I can put it in Texas terms.

Oh, yeah, exactly. He's basically the city bank of hippie camps. Like he's raking it in. Yeah, exactly. I mean, and it's probably a front for heroin. Some sort of drug. Yeah. You teach the kids.

You teach the kids a couple different key things. You juggle with scarves, some sleight of hand magic, making a coin disappear, and then keistering some heroin, getting it through airport security. These are the three tenets of child magic. I would send my kid there. Putting things in your butt has a name. Oh, hooping. Keistering.

Hooping. Keistering? It's called hooping. Hooping. Hooping. Hooping. name. Oh. Keistering.

Hooping. Keistering? It's called hooping. Hooping. Hooping. Putting things in your butt, not- For pleasure, but for concealing them. Not enjoyable things or poops, but contraband. You work for Pablo Escobar. That's what you're doing. You're hooping.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You're hooping. It's called hooping because your butthole, if you think about it, a butthole in some ways is like a hoop. I think about that. How much is like a hoop. I think about that. How much is like a hoop all the time? Was I wrong to call it keistering? Is that something else? I think keistering is also something.

Okay. I think that that is another word for the same thing. Okay. Yeah. What made you think of hooping? Jordan brought it up. Oh, okay. I don't know if he did.

We're on the show Jordan, Jesse, go. Oh, right. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I think you're – And Jesse's totally – he's got – to be fair, he's going on a flight later and has a significant amount of moon rocks up there. Oh, yeah. And you yourself host a podcast that is 40 percent about things you've lost in your vagina.

Oh, yeah. So I don't think you should get too high and mighty about me bringing up pooping i wasn't judging i was just i was i was wondering what the thought thing because sometimes i'll go like oh we're talking about beer right what could i put a pint glass in my vagina is it that flexible at this point yes and so that's the thought process but i was wondering how you internally went from those things i didn't i wasn't like don't do it i was like please explain i would say that ours was pretty a to b it was i don't know yeah yeah yeah jordan talked about keistering then i i've brought up the fact that i knew this other word for it called hooping

okay now i'm glad we fit pint glasses up there? I think it's next. Erin, look at this cell phone. How do you think I got this past security? Oh, right. It's a cell phone made of heroin. Right up the bum. Yeah. It goes in sideways like that? Yeah, you hoop it in there.

And you don't do it – No, I do it long ways. I prefer to do it long ways. You don't do it – You put it out there sideways. That's kind of like just a party trick. Yeah, exactly. That's where there's a little lull in the conversation

you're like hey this is always fun and no Ziploc baggie just right up there no I wrapped it in saran wrap oh okay that's respectful

I enjoy the crinkles I like it crinkly if I can anyway we'll be back in just a second I'm Jordan Jessico it's wonderful We're Dave and Graham and we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. We started this podcast back in 2008 before podcasts had to have any kind of concept.

So we don't really know how to describe it it's kind of like going to the barber shop if your barber knew all about the first season of the show elf it's like a 90 minute massage where the masseuse is two people talking to each other with a third person it's like the monsters of metal tour only quieter no music and just talking it's like a makeout session but without the lips touching, they just talk a lot. Download Stop Podcasting Yourself from iTunes or MaximumFun.org

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Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. That's just when you mix Coke, Sprite, and Diet Coke. Yeah, yeah. So I just don't want people to call mental health professionals. You go to a fountain. Yeah.

Fountain drinks and you do all of them. And I'm the king of that. You put diets in your suicides? A little bit. A little splash. A little splash. Oh, that's intriguing. Yeah.

Just because you want that 10% less calories. Yeah, because I'm watching my figure. Right. So we're going maybe 20% Coke Classic. Yeah, because I'm watching my figure. Right. So we're going maybe 20% Coke Classic. Number one, Jordan, I don't think you need to worry about your figure. Thank you.

Real men have curves. Yeah. And thank you. I'm so tired of all these magazines telling me that I need to... I have read so many magazines too. Sure. I am tired of them.

Telling me I need to look like Shia LaBeouf. I can't look like Shia LaBeouf. He can't even do it. He's barely hanging on. He's failing. I'm just going to read those pamphlets, you know. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about?

Like those religious comic books. Oh, yeah. Sure. So fun. Or zines. Zines are safe. Zines? Oh, zines.

Those won't. Zines are safe. They'll. Oh, zines. Those won't impose. Zines are safe. They'll keep you safe from the 21st century. They will. Those won't impose a body image on you. I mean, all it will do is make you reminisce just for a time of photocopying or ditto machines depending on how old you are. Oh, man.

You know, I got a tattoo the other day. Sorry? A tattoo. Okay. are oh man you know i went i i uh i got a tattoo the other day and uh sorry a tattoo okay uh and jesse's just mispronouncing canoe he thinks it's called tattoo okay i won't say anything by far the most interesting part of it was that it involved what i'm pretty sure was a ditto machine. A robot did it? I didn't put my arm in a ditto machine. Okay. Let's be clear. Just being clear. That would be cool if tattoo parlors of the future, just like the blood pressure machine.

Like a Walgreens? Yeah, exactly. Vaughns. Longs. I guess at this point I'm Dwayne Reed. Sure. CVS. Is this the tattoo?

These are all places to get. This is the tattoo on my arm. But what they do is the tattoo artist draws it on a piece of paper and then puts it through some kind of ditto machine. Like the reason I say it's a ditto machine – Is that it's printed out spelling worksheets? And it was purple in its color? But I had asked to have a spelling worksheet tattooed on myself. Okay.

Just so when your sons get to be that age, they can practice on daddy's back. Exactly. They can practice while I sleep. Sure. It's only the same four words over and over again. I can practice while I sleep. Sure. Only the same four words over and over again.

He puts it into a machine. And this is like, look, I'm going to a classy place. But he puts it into a machine that looks like it would print dinners on Battlestar Galactica. Print dinners? Yeah. Early 3D. Yeah. Like it's like a – it looks like – Is there food printing on that show?

I've never watched it. Like it has those kind of big red flip back and forth switches. Like not even the kind that lights up. The kind that like sticks out and you go flunk, clunk, clunk. It's either off or on. Yeah. Yeah. And it's beige.

Nope. Huge. Beige and gray and huge. And he puts your drawing – he puts a drawing in it and a tattoo comes out. And then they put it on your skin so they can trace it, right? Yeah, and then he digs in it with a laser gun. It's an Avery TV transfer. They just – they heat up a – they put a – they run hot water in the sink, put a towel there, and then they just press it onto the –

Exactly. What they printed out. It does look like – That's kind of what they do though, right? It does look like a t-shirt transfer, but it doesn't look like what you're – the Avery t-shirt transfer, the kind you buy at Office Depot in 1998. Or last week, depending on who you are. Sure. It looks like –

Or if you're making some labels for your CDRs. It looks like the machine at – and look, I was born in 1981, so I don't have firsthand knowledge of this, but I have secondhand knowledge of this. It looks like the machine in a mall in Illinois in 1976 that put Ozzy Osbourne transfers onto T-shirts. Oh, yeah. And it would always square. It doesn't matter what your art is. Yep. I know exactly what you're talking about. Did you complain?

You should go on Yelp and let them know that you are not happy with the machine. You want a more current machine. I just like at least know that machines are black now. You know what I mean? Just get some spray paint. Just like at some point in the mid-90s, early 90s

they decided like we could just make these black. Like that would be less weird than having a beige thing. Then in like 2000 to like 2005, people were like, but what about stainless steel? Yeah, that's true. And then that happened. Or there was the like iMac aesthetic with like everything had a fluorescent bubble on it. Translucent blue.

I didn't like that. That was too D-Lite for me. We're going to need to start. Vitamin C. I love D-Lite and I love Aqua, but it's too much. Yeah. I think we should start. Your stainless steel idea has me thinking.

That's not the first time that someone said that to me. I think like polished concrete is something we should think about. But then more than that, I think that we should start a Dwell tattoo magazine. Yes. By the way, there's already some guy here who does tattoos, tattoos, Dr. Something. Do you know about this guy? Dr. Tattoo? Dr. Tattoo. He does like very pretty line art drawings. tattoos tattoos doctor something do you know about this guy doctor tattoo doctor tattoo he

does like very pretty line art drawings anyway so i was talking about him i was getting my nails done in toronto toronto at a nail place and they were nail artists and they knew who he was he's like international so i feel like i guess i'm not clear on what this guy does he just pretty pretty line art okay like oh like very thin drawings like thin but only tattoos thin lines i think he only does tattoos okay i'll tell you jordan i thought we were calling them tattoos i no i mean i just yeah okay i'll call it tattoo for the uh for the remainder someone knows someone knows his name and i don't know what it is. I'll tell you how I picked my guy. Okay. The way that I picked my guy is I read a comic book he wrote about a dog and I liked it.

Great job. As good a reason as any. And he also does tattoos? His main job is tattoos. Oh, I see. Secondary is comics. I don't think comic books – I don't think an artsy comic book is a particularly remunerative occupation. Don't you think you have to be borderline

sociopath to be a tattoo artist? Because you cannot make any mistakes. You have to be so confident in what you are doing. Are you addicted to the stress? Is that what you're suggesting?

It does seem really, really stressful. I don't mean that everyone's – I don't mean to say that people who do tattoos are crazy. I'm just saying you have to have a very abnormal self-confidence to do it. It's like when a guy comes home from the tattoo parlor, he is – You can pronounce some words correctly. He is – Mispronounce every word. You can pronounce some words correctly.

You can mispronounce every word. He has that same quality of a submariner who's just gotten home from a long voyage. Oh, like he's seen it? Like he's been in a pressure-packed situation with Sean Connery. Sure. Possibly Denzel Washington. I thought for some reason you were talking about what they called – oh, no. They just called him the mariner. I was thinking of Kevin Costner about what they called oh no they just called him the Mariner. I was thinking of Kevin Costner's character from Waterworld.

They just called him the Mariner. I would have assumed that you would have assumed that I was talking about Namor. Oh sure yeah the bad Marvel Aquaman. Yeah the low end Aquaman. Sure. So do you think he has that same kind of jittery world worn

I'm not into Marvel anymore Jesse I'm more into Waterworld. Okay cool. Yeah. Do you think he has that same kind of jittery, world-worn – I'm not into Marvel anymore, Jesse. I'm more into Waterworld. Okay, cool. Yeah. I don't understand that trajectory. They don't drink that much pee in Marvel stuff. Yeah, I like the pee drinking and I like the anti-smoking message.

Is it correct? Am I remembering this correctly? In Waterworld, they pee on a trampoline and the sun disinfects it and then they drink it? Yeah, it's called a piss tramp. No, that's just – Yeah, yeah, piss tramp. No, okay. Sure.

That's just my neighbor's kids. Uh-oh. Pee down the leg is the grossest slash most freeing thing that anybody can experience. Okay. So, yeah. So this guy. I disagree. It's eating chili in the bath. The thing this guy could do that was amazing, speaking to the point of not making any mistakes is,

so the tattoo is a little bit of a poem. And he's like, he gave me these font books, you know, like you can decide what font you want. And I'm looking, I'm sort of like disappointed. He's like, well gave me these font books, you know, like, well, you can decide what font you want. And I'm looking, I'm sort of like disappointed. He's like, well, we could do it in the poet's hand. And I'm like, really? And he's like, yeah, if you can find some letters or something. So I looked on the internet

and he wrote in curls. That's why you got that tattoo. So here's the thing. In curls? You mean cursive? Sorry. No, I mean Joker Man curls, all the classic fonts from Word. Yeah. There's one called Joker Man? Yeah, Joker Man.

He wrote everything in impact. Oh, yeah, yeah. So he – the tattoo artist, he looks at the letter, like starts finding little groups you know, groups of letters and words that are in the thing that I'm getting as a tattoo. And that was pretty good. Like when he said, oh, you want a double L like this? And I'm like, yeah. But what was amazing to me is he just had a pencil in his hand and he was just drawing

it on a piece of paper exactly the same as it was on the screen without acting like it was any kind of thing. Like he could be a master check forger. Sure. Well, so he basically created a font book for your tattoo. Yes. That's incredible. Yeah.

It was a humdinger. That's incredible. It was impressive. I don't think he, does he know that he, how impressive that skill is? I don't know. Maybe all tattoo artists can do that because of what you just said, that if they fuck up... Yeah. It's over. Their tattoo

careers is over. But like, you know how, I don't know, are you an artist? Can you draw, Erin? I can only draw clowns. I can't. And that's the truth. Perfect clowns, everything else. Terrible. It's the only thing I can draw. Same with me.

Okay. But, like, you know when somebody, you know, they draw, that is good at drawing, you know they draw in those kind of lines that they're sort of going around the thing and then all of a sudden there's enough lines there and it sort of suggests exactly the shape. Like, that's how people sketch things. You know what I mean? Like, you know, like they don't just draw a circle. They kind of go around and imply the circle. And then all of a sudden it's there. That's what he does?

No, that's what I thought he would do because that's how everyone that I know that can do art does. But instead he just puts his pen on the paper and draws exactly what's there. He's like a human CAD machine. Yeah. He's a human CAD machine. Do. He's a human CAD machine. Do you know what that is? No. It's like the thing that –

CAD is computer-assisted design, right? Yeah, but it's like the thing that you put your like – whatever. Clearly, I know how to put this in very clear words. You put in your design for architects. Right. And then it out-plops the plans. And the CAD machine – Out-plops the plans. And the CAD machine – Out-plops the plans?

The CAD machine plops the plans out. Oh. Yeah. So if you need a plan plopped. Exactly. Yeah. Call the CAD if you need a plan plopped. It's what engineers do.

I've been hooping plans. I could really – Yeah. You could really plop out a plan. Yeah. Plop him in the prime. You can really plop out a plan. Shall I save you Twitter, a Twitter barrage and ask what the tattoo is of? Oh, I forgot about that.

I sincerely forgot about that. It says, who shall say, which is a line from a William Carlos Williams poem. But here's my question because I have two tattoos. Yes. One regrettable 15-year-old tattoo. Do you have any – It just says D-Lite. It's just –

It's just the groove is in the heart. Groove is in the heart and Joker Man. Yeah. It says Barbie Girl. They're matching anklet. Right.

And I have... I mean, I think inside of all of us. I mean, I think Aaron's tattoos speak to the dual nature of man is that inside all of us is a groove and a Barbie Girl. That's exactly true.

Honestly, my tattoo is basically that. It's tribal art. Okay. So it sounds around the same time. From 1995. Uh-huh. Stuff. 1998.

Real gross. You had just gotten your copy of the Red Hot Chili Peppers Californication. I was all – I was like we're over under the bridge. Sure. We're now into, is that another album? That was on Blood Sugar's second album. Right, okay, yeah. I was like, Nirvana's dead. I've got to move on into a fresh

positive part of my life. Something funkier. So I was like, what about something I'm basically stealing from another culture? Okay. Yeah. So what was the honest impetus behind the tribal art? I went – I wanted to tattoo because I was doing badass phase.

I was failing out of school and smoking – spending my lunch money on cigarettes. So I was like, I'll get a tattoo to show everyone how cool I am. Right. So then I went with two friends and I was like, I'm going to get a tattoo. And then one of the friends who I had a crush on picked it off of a wall. And I said, OK, that one. So I didn't even pick it out. It's a real reminder.

High stakes. I'll tell you this. I've come a long way, baby. My colleague here at Maximum Fun Guy. I only smoke. That's why you smoke Newport cigarettes. Yeah, Virginia Slims. Virginia Slims?

Or whoever. Newport? I don't know. Virginia Slims. Virginia Slims. Julia Smith, the producer of Bullseye and Judge Sean Hodgman, when she saw that I had gotten a tattoo, remarked to me that she had a tattoo, which I didn't know. I think it's in a hidden area. Lower back?

I said, I don't know. I didn't want to be – I didn't want to pry. Nosey, yeah. But she did tell me that she got it in a bet with a friend. So she and a friend, when they were teens or early 20-somethings or something, went and agreed that if Julia got a tattoo, her friend would get a tattoo of the cartoon character Chili Willie. And Julia got the tattoo and then her friend refused to get a Chilly Willy tattoo. Wow. Said, no, I changed my mind.

I bet this tattoo is bad. Yeah, I wonder what it is. I – if she – She's not ashamed of it. She says she and some friends got the same tattoo and they – Okay. That's good. And then on my back I have Elvis' mantra, TCB with the lightning bolt.

That's good. I like that for a tattoo. Taking care of business? That's right. Every day, every single way. Here's what's fun about it. People think it's funny when I'm wearing a tank top to say country's best yogurt, which is not – it doesn't say TCBY. Right.

It says TCB. It says TCB with the lightning bolt, which is Elvis' thing. The country's best lightning yeah exactly it's powder level lightning yeah i think that's a great tattoo thanks very cool it's i but i got it in brooklyn and i had to ask how many people got this tattoo this year and she said only one so then i said let's do it if like one if someone that week had already gotten it out and it was like a trending tattoo, not in truth. You're like, ah, this is a little played out.

You know, just give me the mustache on my index finger. But do it in a flesh color. Right. Have you seen that? No, I have not seen that. People get flesh colored. So it's like a tattoo that they have, but it's like if they need to get a job, it can like – it's like a magic eye poster or something. You see it if you see it.

God, I would love to get a magic eye tattoo. Can you imagine? Cross your eyes and a horse. Sailboat appears. Yeah. A dolphin holding the American flag. Well, how do those work? Does anybody – has anybody cracked the code?

Of how magic eyes work? Yeah. No. John Magic Eye made a deal with Satan. He sacrificed his son on an altar. And John Magic Eye is the only one who had the power to make them. His first name is so boring. And he loves sailboats.

His first name is so boring and his last name is so cool. Yeah, he's an enigma. Yeah, don't you wish your last name was Magic Eye? Yes. That was the first Pussycat Doll song. Magic Eye? Don't you wish your first name was John Magic Eye? Don't you wish your first name was... Magic Eye.

Last name. Yeah, or whatever. You get it. I think I did pretty good with that poop pee one earlier. So you'll forgive my mistake on this song parody. The tattoo guy had you know, knuckle tattoos? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Love and hate or whatever. It said pots and pans. That's great.

I thought that was pretty good. That is very good. I thought that was pretty – I said, does that say pots and pans? And he was all ready to be embarrassed. He's like, oh, I got it when I was really young. It was one of my first tattoos. And I was like, no, I think that's great. Hilarious.

That's awesome. That's a great tattoo. Yeah, pots and pans. Jordan, are you going to get any tattoos? I now feel like I'm the only one. Well, are you Jewish? Huh? Are you Jewish? It like I'm the only one. Well, are you Jewish? Huh? Are you Jewish?

It is, yeah. I want to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. It's not because I am Jewish. I just find Jewish women attractive. And I want to be around them. It's your last chance to get one. Even in death. Yeah.

Great plan. Yeah. I do feel like I'm the last one now. I'm officially the last one without a tattoo. In all of Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah. Of our demographic of person. I am now the only one.

I don't think Sonny D has a tattoo. Yeah. Brian, no. It's not. Thanks, Brian. Me and you. It's not God. We could be buried in a Jewish cemetery with all those delicious Jewish women.

Delicious dead Jewish women. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. They will certainly let you in with that attitude. Oh, hello. Hello, ladies. It's me, a Gentile. It's just a recording of you.

Shall we be together forever? It's just a recording that plays over a mega speaker on your grave. On my grave, yeah. People are burying their loved ones. And in the Jewish tradition, everybody's lighting up to throw dirt on the casket to get some closure.

Exactly. Yes, I'm looking forward to meeting your grandmother in the afterlife. Someone knows you and they're like, that wasn't even his real voice. I'm celebrity goy, Jordan Lawrence. That's right. I talk like this when I'm dead. Everyone always is like at the place. They're like, who's eating cheese?

Well, that's how I died. I ate that brie with all the pills in it. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go welcome to oh no ross and carrie ross hi carrie what do you think is creepier okay you jump into a swimming pool all of a sudden the water goes and instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors. Ew. Or our show. That's pretty tough, because we visited a live exorcism. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis, where we had to worship a naked lady. Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult. They were scary. Super creepy. We joined the Aethery Society. We tried penis

enlargement, or at least I did. Oh boy, I tried breast enlargement. We have basically done every creepy, weird fringe thing except for thousands more, which we will get to if you listen to our show. I'd still say the swimming pool of my ancestors' bones. Well, then I don't even know if people should listen. I guess they shouldn't. But if you want to, we're at Maximum Fun and the show's called I Know Ross and Carrie. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Erin Gibson, suicide drink queen. King, sorry. Royalty.

Let's just be vague about it. Monarch. Yeah, monarch. What's your ideal suicide? What's going into it? Do you have ratios? This is unfortunate, but I do like Mountain Dew because I'm from the south. So it would be a- It's a cultural thing.

Is that a southern thing, liking Mountain Dew? It's a southern garbage thing, yeah. Are you sure? I think that the south. Sure. So it would be – It's a cultural thing. Is that a southern thing? It's a southern garbage thing. Yeah. I think that was its original audience. I think now it's like dirtbag teens. But I think with their original logo was like a hillbilly. A man in overalls without a shirt on. Yeah.

A racist character of a southern person. Yeah. I love Big Red, which also is a southern thing. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Do you know Big Red? Big Red is a red soda. Yeah. I love Big Red, which also is a southern thing. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Do you know Big Red? Big Red is a red soda. Yeah, but what is the taste?

Do you know? It's like mellow yellow, right? It tastes like the color red. Yeah, exactly. And then I would do Coke. Okay. Coke, Mountain Dew, Big Red. Okay.

No Sprite. Solid. I mean, that's a very regional suicide, but, you know. Well, you put Dr. Pepper in it, it's super, super southern. Oh, I thought you would mix Big Red and Mountain Dew and then do some blow. Oh, yeah. Oh, cocaine. You could get pumped for it.

Sure. Honestly, I think that would give you a heart attack. Mountain Dew and cocaine? Yeah. That would be serious. I wouldn't want to be around that. First of all, you have the powerful illegal stimulant, cocaine. Then also you have like a cup of coffee's worth of caffeine.

So between the two of those. Do you think that there's cocaine proponents? That's a little bit like running towards the front of the space shuttle. You're like, I'm going 1,000 miles an hour. Oh, it's for sure look ma no hands. Yeah, it's for sure that. Do you think that there's cocaine supporters who are mad that weed is a thing like that? Weed's legal. And they're like, come on, we don't even do it that much. That's funny. You're right. It's not even a lifestyle for us. It's just a party thing.

Sure. When do I want to stay out? I wonder. Yeah, I guess you don't hear that we're responsible adults argument about other drugs. Maybe from the most extreme libertarian type. I have plenty of friends who do cocaine in very conservative amounts and have their lives together and they're just like, hey, four times a year, I just want to have cocaine. I mean, I think that's – unfortunately, what the media is whitewashing is the reasonable cokehead. That's exactly – The reasonable together cokehead and I'm tired of seeing all these nasty representations

of cokeheads in the media. Yeah. Like James Corden, that offensive cocaine character, James Corden. Such a big the media. Yeah. Like James Corden. That offensive cocaine character, James Corden. Such a big coke head. Yeah. But yeah, we're all just reasonable people. And this is me coming out.

I've said we're all because I am four times a year. Four times a year? It's kind of fun. Why not? And you're seeing a band. Yeah, you want to dance a little bit? Sure. Why not? And inhale a lot. Yeah. And you're seeing a band. Yeah. You want to dance a little bit? Sure. Why not? And inhale a lot.

Yeah. And you want to, yeah, full lungs of air. Yeah. Just enjoy a nice lungful. What are you going to say? I want to take this opportunity. Yeah. While we are in the subject of unusual and distinctive ingestibles such as suicides, cocaine, mellow yellow, red.

Dr. Star. Dr. Star. What is Dr. Star? It's like a budget Dr. Pepper. Oh. Yeah. I want to mention Brian and Lindsay will totally eat that is out. The first ever video production for MaximumFun.org.

There are 28 episodes. Amazing. We made 28 episodes. Brian and Lindsay are the loveliest, most charming, fun people. Present company accepted. No, I agree. I agree. They're so fun and pleasant, right?

It's like watching butterflies live in human bodies. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. And if they look like caterpillars, that's what's going on. No, it is super, super fun. Among other things, I'm trying to think of like what are the fun things. We had them eat all kinds of different shit. I'm trying to think of like what are the fun things.

We had them eat all kinds of different shit. Like I went – we had people sending us things from foreign countries and I went to every dollar store and Japanese market and Korean market and Oaxacan market. And they eat chapulines, which is Oaxacan style crickets. Nope. Or grasshoppers. Won't do it. Brian, who had never had alcohol before in his life, drank Malort, which is famous for being the worst alcohol. And what does it taste like? Did he?

It is like absinthe. It is a wormwood liqueur,ormwood being famous for its bitterness exclusively. Yeah. And let's see. It's a liquor that you get dared to drink. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

They also – It's what you want to drink when you want to like prove to a bunch of guys you're not a pussy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's either ketchup or malore. Sure. Yeah. You're right.

Yes. They ate huitlacoche, which is corn smut. It's like a fungus that grows on corn. I bet that was good. He's nodding yes. He did think it was good. We had them eat something called cornick boi-boi-wang. Jesse, what's most impressive besides their skill at ingesting this stuff is the fact that you remember all of these words.

Cornic boi boi-ang. I mean, come on. Once cornic boi boi-ang is in your head, it's never leaving. Cornic boi boi-ang. That's like the greatest. That was like a – it's sort of like a corn nut, like a Filipino corn nuts. It was adobo flavored. That actually was really good.

I ate some of that. That was really good. They ate a Japanese chocolate bar called a Crunky Bar. Oh, wow. Yeah, they ate those Kit Kat bars. You know those Kit Kat bars that you bake in the oven? Have you heard about those? I thought you were going to talk about the Dr. Pepper

Kit Kat bars. No, I'm talking about they did eat Dr. Pepper Twizzlers, which I do not approve of. But they ate these Kit Kats that you cook and you bake them in the oven and they turn into like a cheesecake flavored custard. Yes. And only available only in Japan. We got our hands on some. Brian and Lindsay ate them.

Dozens of other things. 28 things in total. Go to toteseat.com and you ate them. Dozens of other things. 28 things in total. Go to toteseat.com and you can find all of them there or on the Maximum Fun channel on YouTube. Just search for Brian and Lindsay will totally eat that or toteseat or whatever and please share it because we're really proud of it.

I think it is a really fun, funny show. And it looks amazing. We did it fucking pro style. Our DP, Noe Montez, did an amazing job. Our director, Ben Harrison, did an amazing job. And I just threw shit at them and then yelled at them. And there's some cool disembodied

white-gloved hands. So there's a lot of fun to be had on Brian and Lindsay Will Totally Eat That. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Erin Gibson, drink royalty of suicides.

Drink royalty of suicides. I'm going to do it different every time, but it means the same thing. Isn't Suicide King a movie? Is that like a movie that you would have a poster of in your dorm? Suicide King. Wasn't it the guy who had the bar who did the film, who had the documentary, who fucked it all up? Oh, no. I know what you mean. I have seen that. The guy who did Boondock Saints. Oh, that's what it was. Oh, no. I know what you mean. I have seen that.

The guy who did Boondock Saints. Oh, that's what it was. Anyway, I don't think that's it. You see how I thought Boondock Saints? I do, yeah. I get that. I was going to say from the director of Rounders. Oh.

Right? Don't know. Approximately? Don't know. And also, I don't want to hear on Twitter. I'll maybe look it up or maybe I'll just fucking forget it. Don't tell me what Sue is saying. I'm tired of Twitter being just a direct line for stuff that I don't want to look up because I respect my time.

You know what I mean? It's like I already respected my time by not looking it up. Yeah. Now you're – like I had the choice. Yeah. I could either use my time learning it or choose not to learn it. You are making me learn it. Not – and it's for – it or choose not to learn it. You are making me learn it. And this is how I already learned it

and now you're duplicative. Tweet at Ted Cruz. You know what? That's a good idea. Tweet at Ted Cruz what Suicide King is. Yes. This could be a new thing for you guys. Whenever you want to correct Jordan or Jesse, just tweet it at Ted Cruz.

I love this. I love this. I love this. I love this. Just tweet Ted Cruz the IMDB link to whatever Suicide Kings is. I think he'll appreciate it. I mean, we know he loves pop culture. He loves the Wu-Tang Clan. Sure. So he –

Is that for real? His favorite superhero is Rorschach. Is that something he said? He made a list of top five favorite superheroes. Boy, what a boob. This guy, I mean, he's really, I mean, if not for Donald Trump being the biggest boob in all of politics, this would be an exceptionally high level of boobage that Ted Cruz is doing. He seems like a bright man. Yeah.

I think when someone is a boob but not dumb that takes focus like yeah donald trump may or may not be dumb it hard to say yeah uh jury's still out he's a definitely uh he's definitely like donald trump i guess is what you might call a special kind of genius you know like he's a mime who can speak- He's a mime who can speak. Yeah. He's a mime who can't not speak. Right, exactly. He's a something. But when Ted Cruz, who had been traveling the country talking about how he was a new generation of Republican who loves the Wu-Tang Clan, and he couldn't name his favorite member

of the Wu-Tang Clan. And he couldn't name his favorite member of the Wu-Tang Clan. The Rorschach thing was he made a list of top five favorite superheroes. And the first four were kind of obvious. It was like Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, Wolverine. And then he included Rorschach is supposed to be a kind of a caricature of, you know, Reagan era reactionary politics. He's a, you know, cruel, unfeeling, you know, judge, jury and executioner type. And Ted Cruz is like, yep, that's my favorite. I love him.

So, yeah, there's two things at work here. Every any this is my position on the internet. Everyone who has an opinion is wrong. All opinions are wrong. Here's my feeling about it, Jordan. I think you wouldn't have been satisfied no matter who Ted Cruz said was his favorite superhero. That's true. Unless he had said Booster Gold.

That's true. If it was Booster Gold, I would just vote for him. But, yeah, there was the, like, oh – yeah, he was just throwing in a thing to appeal to nerds. But then, hey, nerds, you can like something and not want to be it. Anyway, everyone's wrong. Everyone's wrong. That's the trick that they're all doing. They're like ask Trump about the Bible.

He doesn't know. They're just going to say the thing and then totally just dance around the answer. Still, it was cool when President Obama said he loved The Wire. Yeah. That impressed the shit out of me. Obama's great.

I have no opinions about those things anyway. Yeah. Journalist. The point is Ted Cruz, at Tedz or whatever his twitter is that could be wrong and if that's wrong you tweet at ted cruz let him know i think it's at cruisy juggalo t cruz 420 yeah he's a juggalo well that would it wouldn't actually surprise me yeah maybe why not we should be the juggalos favorite politician he does seem to be like

this guy who is clearly losing at this point you know so might as well show up at the gathering of the juggalos get let a let colt cabana body slam you fuck it who cares put on your white clown face paint yeah talk about magnets do your thing it would be dope

if Trump wrestled Colt Cabana at the gathering of the juggalos god that would be great that would be awesome yeah that would be like

the greatest wrestling thing I mean look I'm not that well versed in different wrestling things sure maybe something cooler has happened yeah I mean probably

Andre the Giant did something cool at some point. But like in general, that seems like it would be the greatest wrestling show ever. Yeah. Colt Cabana versus Donald Trump at the Gathering of the Juggalos. I feel like he – but here's the thing. I feel like if Trump did it, it would only boost his ratings. I know. It would only boost his –

He's a special kind of genius. Special kind of genius. Ashton Kutcher better watch out because Trump is pranking everybody. So you're saying even Ashton Kutcher, the prank king, is not safe from Trump's legendary prank. No. He's getting – he's a con artist and a prankster and he's getting one on over everybody. You guys should know that Buzz the dog just came over here because he needed more pets. Oh, Buzz.

Oh, Buzz. We'll find you a home, my friend. I met Buzz on a trail while I was hiking and he was wearing one of those little scarves that said, I need a home. And we agreed to foster him. Why were the people on a trail, the adoption people? Well, because he needs exercise. He's out exercising. Oh, they weren't in like cages like they do at the bank.

Just an adoption fair. I thought it was an adoption fair. Just a 12 cages full of cats at the top of the hill. That's what I've been imagining for the last hour. Oh, it was a dog. Just a 12 cages full of cats. Just at the top of the hill. That's what I've been imagining for the last hour. Oh my gosh. No. It is weird that Buzz was going for a walk. It is weird that Buzz had the bandana that said I need a home, but

the other dogs had bandanas that said gay for pay. And they were in their pants. Okay, look. It's summer, but this is the end of summer. As we record this, this will come out on Labor Day, which is basically the last day of summer. It's certainly the last day that I'll be wearing white pants. And I think –

It's just because you're getting your period. That's true. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. Well, you know way too much about my cycle, Jordan. Well, I mean, we sync up. We host a podcast together. You've done a show – Your moon cycles. For as long as we have together, Jordan. Well, I mean, we sync up. We host a podcast together. You've done a show for as long as we have together, Aaron.

You and Brian will learn this later. Oh, our periods have been in sync for like, gosh, the 90s. Well, that's because in the 90s you did that spell together in women's prison. Yeah, yeah. Why he was in women's prison,

I don't know. I'm glad they changed the rules for that. Yeah, he was, I mean, he was glad too. I mean, who would want to be in men's prison when you can be in women's prison? Agreed. It seems fun.

Have you seen the really funny show Orange is the New Black? I missed it. I don't know anything about it. What's it about? It's a really funny comedy about a group of colorful characters, ne'er-do-wells, who are all locked up together. They have all these adventures. They do voices. There's flashbacks.

Some of them are much better at acting than others of them. I mean it sounds great. I'm not interested in it unless I can watch it all in three days. You know what I love to do? Can I just say this? And I'll explain this terminology to you if you need me to explain it to you i love to binge watch it which is like that's when i'll uh what i do is like it goes back to the days of do you remember dvds oh yeah dvds dvrs yeah so i would

not dvds okay sorry Yeah. Digital versatile discs. I would choose play all and then I would just veg out. Yeah. You know what I mean? On my, I guess, Ally McBeal DVDs. Yeah. Is this a black leather couch that you're on? Yeah, of course.

Yeah, absolutely. And I would just veg out and have a smoothie or whatever. And now I binge on Netflix. That's funny. And then you have a juice instead of a smoothie. Cold-pressed juice. Cold-pressed. Yeah.

Cold-pressed. Cold-pressed. It has ginger. Mmm. Spicy. Yeah. It masks the kale flavor. Does anything really do that?

No, of course not. Don't put that in a juice. Just eat it as a food. It doesn't taste that bad as a food. Yeah, kale's good. Rub some lemon juice on it. Forget it. That's the upsetting reality of kale is that it's pretty good.

And if you're making a salad, make it out of kale. Yeah. Yeah, although it's a little rough to eat. I mean, you've got to get some real baby kales if you're going to. And you've got to bruise them and shit. I say cook up a pot of greens. I like a pot of greens. As Jordan's corpse would say. Oh, shit. I say cook up a pot of greens. I like a pot of greens. As Jordan's corpse would say.

Oh, shit. I forgot. I forgot. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Well, yes. There we go. Okay. I totally forgot what that corpse bit was.

It was too fast. I should have given you one. No, no. You were right. You threw me the ball, and I laid down and took a nap. You're the clown prince of baseball. Sure. Yeah.

Okay, guys. We have shit to do here. It's summertime. Summer is coming took a nap. You're the clown prince of baseball. Sure. Okay, guys. We have shit to do here. It's summertime. Summer is coming to a close. That's why we are hereby presenting Summer Boy colon Bring the Heat. This is the grand finale of the Summer Boy season. This is when we crown the king or queen of Summer Boys or the royalty of Summer Boys as Aaron so thought thoughtfully pointed out gender is not a binary it's a spectrum so the royalty of summer boys will be crowned here we have four candidates we must pick amongst them the winner will receive a prize pack and i think it's

important to note that you know we've been doing this for a while, maybe two months, three months, something like that. If you had called previous to this, you can go fuck yourself. Yeah. Or go suck a lemon. Mm-hmm. Or stick it in your ear. Sure. Depending.

That's three great choices. Yeah. For you, the person who created entertainment on our show that we get paid to do and you don't. Summer is about procrastination and that's what you're rewarding these people for doing. You know what? I'm rewarding these people for being winners, as Donald Trump would put it. You know, these are people who understand that you don't get involved until there's stakes. You know, you don't go play poker with no chips.

You know, you don't call in a summer boy unless there's a prize pack on the line. Brian's already done some preliminary screening, so we have four finalist candidates. Let's hear the first one. Hey, Jordan, Jessica. This is Brendan calling from Boston with a late entry into summer boy slash bring the heat.

I'm calling a little later than I wanted to because I just got back in town from my Summer Boy adventure where I decided in the middle of July that I hated my job, so I quit it. And I moved to the beach in Rhode Island with my girlfriend, and the two of us lived in a beach house for the rest of the summer and worked at the Summer Theater right down the road

as stagehands, and spent our nights at the beach with beers, blunts, and bonfires. It was the last thing he did? Bonfires. Bonfires, yeah. This sounds like that season of Saved by the Bell where they all worked at the Malibu Beach Club, right?

Yeah. Right? I think that was its own Saved by the Bell. Was it? Was it called Saved by the Beach? Nope. Don't know. It was called Saved by the Bell Summertime.

Yeah. Or something. Mm-hmm. Right? So it was called Son of the Beach, and it was created by Howard Stern. Sure, right. Yeah, for FX. Always on, slightly off.

That's a good entry. That's a dream entry. I like that he has the triple Bs in there. Yeah, me too. Bears, blunts, and bonfires. Right. And let's hope that bonfire is contained, and let's hope you have a medical license for those blunts. One time my math teacher, Mr. DeFrandeville.

That name is too long. That's why we called him Mr. D. OK. Mr. D. Well, some other reasons. Some more unfortunate reasons. Mr. D. one time said we were in the calculus class. I'm not trying to brag here, guys. We don't know what age this is.

You made it all the way to calc. But calc was the last math class in my school. And because I went to an arts high school, relatively small, relatively few people have having any interest or facility in math. It was a class of like seven people, which urban public high school, like all my other classes were like 40. So he would give us sort of special lectures because he thought we were special because we loved math. Now, this one guy, Hua, he loved math.

But none of the rest of us loved math. We just had to take enough years of math to graduate from high school. But, you know, Mr. DeFrandevilleville really valued calculus and he would tell us these stories. And one time he told us this story. He said, one time when I was a teenager like you guys, me and my friends went out on the golf course at night and then the sprinklers came on and us, we just lit up a spleef did anyone correct him it's too fun just lit up a spleef it's a great it's a great old older guy terminology for pot also he doesn't understand that you can't really do that when it's wet i know it was a this whole story maybe you like put it under your jacket or something maybe Maybe you like shield it. I don't know.

Mr. D was a decent guy. Okay, let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Go. This is Josh from Pittsburgh. I'm calling because my son, he's four years old. He just wrapped up maybe the best summer of his life. Highlights include he won a goldfish from a carny who was missing a pinky finger, made his own nunchucks, took a whiz off a second story porch deck, and he also met Spider-Man. Thanks. Love the show. Bye. Yeah, that's pretty rock solid.

It's good. I mean, although it seems like, I mean, the kid's four. He can call his own podcast. I don't know anything about child development or what age a child does what. Oh, can dial phones? But to me, I think four is old enough. So this seems like this is – What age would you say is old enough to listen to this show?

Three. Right. And then at four, you start calling in. Is the prize pack age appropriate for a four-year-old? What do we got in there? You got the dildo. Mm-hmm. That's right. Right. And then at four, you start calling in. Is the prize pack age appropriate for a four-year-old? What do we got in there? You got the dildo. Mm-hmm. That's right.

Yep. Okay, so check. You can use it as a lightsaber. Yeah, sure. I mean, if, you know, I know, I mean, I'm sure. Or as an airsats penis. Sure. I'm sure you guys are as mad as everyone else that, you know, Target's selling out of these Force Awakens toys.

God, I can't get enough Star Wars toys. Where's my BB-8? In real life. In real life or on Facebook and Twitter. Please, bring on the pictures of you, an adult, going to Target to buy toys.

Or tweet him at Ted Cruz. Yeah, you know what? Here's some things to do to Ted Cruz. Tweet him the synopsis to the film that may or may not exist, Suicide Kings. Then tweet him pictures of you with a new BB-8 or a Kylo Ren or a Captain Phasma. Any other corrections to be made for the show? Yeah. Captain Phasma?

Yeah. Is that one of the guys? That's one of the ladies, right? Yeah, it's the woman who's Brienne of Tarth on Game of Thrones. Did you see that on Star Wars? Yeah, she's gonna be like

Oh, that'll be fun. She's cool. There was a big blow up online because someone was like Oh, sorry, but Why can't I see her boobs through her armor?

Do you remember this? No. Wait, did the guy want to see the boobs or was he mad that – He was mad that – Why was he mad? Basically that it wasn't a feminine armor. Okay. And then – I don't know where it was on Star Wars.

Because she's like a stormtrooper or something, right? Yeah, and they were like, well, it doesn't matter. Your gender doesn't matter when you're protecting yourself from weapons. She's a bad guy? I think she is, yeah. I think she is. But she's so honorable. Yeah, well, I mean – She always keeps yourself from weapons. She's a bad guy? I think she is. Yeah, I think she is. But she's so honorable. Yeah, well, I mean.

She always keeps her oaths. It's called acting. Something happened, clearly. She's got a brain. What is she called? Acting. I'm sorry. Yeah.

What is that? Oh, it's where people put on different wigs and, like, mustaches. Only. Only wigs and mustaches. I know why people do that. It's because the eyes and nose light would recognize them otherwise. Sure, yeah. You want to take another call?

Oh, I was going to say, if you can't get this four-year-old, you know, a Kylo Ren lightsaber with light-up hilt, hand him this dildo. Say it's just like Kylo Ren uses. You're a hero from the movie you haven't seen is kylo ren a fella or a lady uh fella played by uh yeah yeah he's really like sex positive he's like a sex positive sith yeah sex positive sith lord you know a lot of people say a lot of bad stuff about sith lords but if you are at a workshop at Good Vibrations in San Francisco or the Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood, there's always going to be a couple of Sith Lords there. And they have such good attitudes about sex. For one thing, always affirmative consent. Number two.

Very important. Number two, like they will, granted, they will murder their enemies and even their friends using the power of their mind. Sure. But they will always say, do you want to do this? And wait for their partner to say, yes, I do want to do that. And they'll know if it's really yes because they could mind read. Yeah. Yeah. And the, you know, the really yes because they could mind read. Yeah. Yeah. And the forced choke has deadly applications, certainly.

Yeah. But also it can be fun in a play situation. It could be erotic as long as you have a safe word. Sure. Yeah, what's their safe word? I am your father. Let's take our next call. That's pretty good.

Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse and guests. This is Dan from Seattle. I just wanted to call with my momentous occasion. I just got out of a two-year relationship a couple months ago, and it was bad. But just in time for summer, I got on this Tinder thing for the first time and met a girl and licked her butt. I licked a butt for the summer. For the entire summer?

That seems too long. I am a summer boy, summer boy. I am a summer boy, summer boy. Ba-da-bum-bum-bum. Thanks. Love the show. He-bum-bum. Thanks. Love the show. He turned it around with the song. I don't know how to feel, honestly.

I don't know. I'm baffled. Oh, Jordan, I have this dictionary here. I turned it to mixed bag. Oh, yes. It's a picture of this telephone call. Sure. It's a real baffler.

Yeah. So I don't have a real baffler. Yeah. So I don't have a problem with him licking butts. I have a problem with him not understanding that that's exactly why you go on Tinder. To lick butts? Yeah. He said it like it was a surprise. Yeah. It's where you go.

You want to- So he's licking butts. Mm-hmm. Butt holes? But then how does the song go? I am a summer boy, summer boy. Summer boy, summer boy. Okay.

Let's move on. I like the drum fills. Me too. Good drum fills. I don't know. There's a lot going on. There's no Sheila E. Sure.

If I was going to make a summer boy song, you know, I'd get to do the drum fills. Is it Let's Get Physical? Is that what you're basing it off of? I'm not basing it. He wrote the song. I think it's probably one of those Pharrell Marvin Gaye situations it's sort of inspired by. Yeah. Because the real song is, come on and get physical.

And his version is, I want to be a summer boy. Okay. It's just that, just legally dissimilar. You can take it to court. Legally dissimilar. The drum fills are different. Yeah, sure. They were different drum fills.

She had no drum fills. Not as different as if he had gotten Sheila E. Sure. Yeah. But that's Olivia Newton-John. She would have given, but Sheila E is a great drummer who would have given it some Latin flair. My favorite drummer.

Is Sheila E.? Mm-hmm. Mine too. Yeah. Who are some other drummers? Her father, Pete Escovito. Oh, sure. Who else?

Tommy Lee. Sure, sure. He's actually a great drummer even though he's a – Questlove from the roots. A lot of great drummers. There's so many. Everyone. Great drummers.

Just everyone. Father John Misty. Charlie Rich may be the country singer. Hard to say. Charlie Watts. Charlie Watts. That's the drummer in the Rolling Stones. Buddy Rich.

Let's not forget one of the most prolific drummers. Sure. And with the biggest obstacle, the drummer from Def Leppard. Yeah. You got it. He only had one arm. John Leppard. John Leppard. Who knows what his name drummer from Def Leppard. Yeah. Yeah. He only had one arm. John Leppard.

Who knows what his name was? John Leppard. No, that is not his name. John Leppard. His name is John Magica. Oh, wow. The very man who sacrificed his son on a demonic altar. Karma's a bitch, you know. Yeah, sure.

One more call. Let's hear it. Patty, this is Zane from Tucson, sure. One more call. Let's hear it. Patty, this is Zane from Tucson, Arizona. And I was going through my summer trying to figure out, like, if I did any summer boy things. And then I just realized that I kissed my best friend who I'd had a crush on for three years. That was a mistake because I have a boyfriend, even though we're in an open relationship. boyfriend, even though we're in an open relationship. Then a couple weeks later, while he and another friend were at my house, we all decided to skinny dip, I guess, mostly because I didn't have swimsuits for them. And they said, well, we can't just skinny dip if you're not

skinny dipping. So I did for some reason. And when one of my friends left, when the other friend left to go get his friend, my best friend kissed me and we fucked. But I should also mention that we were drunk. I did not realize how drunk he was until the following Monday. I found his phone in my car and I had to bring it to him and then discovered that he did not have any memory of anything that happened in that pool or in the bed afterward. So, yeah, I don't know if that's like a good thing, but it definitely fucking happened. So there we go. I'm going to open with this question. Sure. Do we think that this Zane

is the Zane who writes the African-American sex novels? Probably, right? I mean, it clearly has a flair for erotic language. I need names because I couldn't keep, I didn't know who was doing what. That was tough. Yeah, my friend's friend whose boyfriend, yeah, this was, this

could have used some names, even false names. I get how you want to, you, this could have used some name. I mean even false names. I get how you want to protect everybody in this situation. I was imagining Billy Joel. Sure. As who? As the guy who's getting fucked? Tom Hanks. Okay.

Billy Joel is the boyfriend. Tom Hanks is the guy she's – her best friend. So Tom Hanks. Billy Joel is being cuckolded by Tom Hanks. Who would fuck Billy Joel when they could fuck Tom Hanks? That's what I'm saying. You know what I mean? That's why the...

That's why you suggest getting double teams by two curly-haired legends. Joel? Get back there, Hanks. That's why it's such a confusing choice, because they both have curly hair. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Is that what the marquee says in Madison Square Garden?

Yeah. When Hanks tours with Joel. Double. Get double teamed. Double teamed. Colin. Dude. Curly hair.

Billy Joel plays all his hits like Uptown Girl and Hanks just explains his collection of vintage typewriters. What a specific. And then does scenes from Joe versus the Volcano. Which I would watch that. That sounds great. I'd pay $200 to see that. Okay.

What did we have? So what's the, I forget what the first one was. The guy who quit his job. Quit his job. Give it to Tom Hanks. Yeah, sure. Tom Hanks, give us a call. You've got a, you've got a prize pack coming.

Thanks. Give us a call. You've got a prize pack coming. So the guy who quit his job, beach, blunts, bonfires. Four-year-old son who met Spider-Man and won a goldfish. From a guy with no pinky finger. Oh, I didn't hear that. Yeah, the guy didn't have a pinky finger.

He won a goldfish from. Sounds like a classic Carney. Yeah. Butthole licker. Yeah. Slash song parodist. Yeah. The weird owl of the summer boy reinventionist song reinventionist and then memento cheating and then do you guys have any initial okay i'll tell you my number one let's talk it out please oh you already have a number one yeah okay number one is my favorite because I do think that like Don Henley, I like an innocence.

I like a Boys of Summer style like I'm just wearing sunglasses and enjoying my life. Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. What do you think we should do after the Boys of Summer have gone? Oh, like are you going to have like a fall challenge? I mean I think in a bigger sense. I mean, that song has a lot of like big questions in it. It's all questions. Like what to do after the end of the innocence.

Can we go back? Can you ever go back home again? Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, boy, the first one was so classic summer boy. And we do have the added bonus of it kind of having a built-in catchphrase was it booze blunts and bonfires or beers blunts beers blunts and bonfires i like that i like the wild thing aspect of the last one very wild things which is to me a summertime sure that was gita

gershon calling she lives in tucson now and has an open relationship. It's possible that the last one was a penguin in the pants. And what was really going on was somebody was calling in with a description of the plot of a Zane novel. Oh, yeah. Sure. And the Zane thing, that was a breadcrumb trail. Yeah. Just reading the jacket. She was just reading.

It's a very bad writing. It's's a very bad it's a hard cover yeah but when i brought his cell phone to him at work that's what it says i'm reading from the back yeah he didn't remember but we thought we certainly fucked when my boyfriend's friend was taking him home yeah which was a mistake even though i'm in an open relationship well then it's not a mistake yeah it seems like it was fine that's the point of an open relationship. Well, then it's not a mistake. Yeah, it seems like it was fine. That's the point of an open relationship, right? Unless their rules are it's open relationship, but you can't fuck anybody we know. Oh, sure. Has to be.

That might be the mistake. Could be. Yeah, that could be. Tucson's a very small town. Yeah. There's only four horses there. Sure. You know?

Yeah. It's not as small as a one horse town. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but you still, there's more people than there are horses. You've got to share horses. You said it. Two, lots of classic

summer activity. Some cute factor. I'm going to take a time out here from our deliberations and just offer, what about and Jordan, I'm cutting you out of this. This is just me and Aaron here. Okay, yeah, that's fine. What about Uber, but for horses in Tucson?

Yes, because aren't there horses who just want to get out? Yeah. Everybody wins. And the horse-sharing economy, I think. You guys are such disruptors. You're really disrupting the Tucson horse economy. Well, it's a silo that's been waiting for disruption. Anyway, someone take out my garbage.

What if it's just – Jesus Christ. Did you guys see that? What? There's an Uber for taking out your garbage. There is? I can't even – you know about the button, the Amazon button for under your sink for when you run out of toilet paper? Charmin will basically put a thing under your sink or you can get it.

How fast does it come? It just is like you don't have to go to the internet basically. You can poo-poo and then do your last roll and then push the button and then that's it. Anyway. I still – I do think the baby boomer generation is the worst. Yeah. No, you're probably – yeah, sure. We might be lazy but they used all of the resources and have all the social security.

They had it easy and they still fucked it up. And we have a hard and we're – Do you think that's why we have an app so somebody comes to take out our garbage for us? Yeah, because we're looking for jobs. Yeah, sure. No, you're right. You know what? I really relate to young people.

I really like the Wu-Tang Clan too. Who's your favorite member? The husky one yeah who's your favorite uh late 80s the one from the mariah carey song oh yeah who's your favorite late 80s comic book anti-hero finally booster gold yeah there you go that's it firestorm yeah these are all good choices uh okay yeah Firestorm the Nuclear Man is that what he's called?

ooh don't know don't know nothing about Firestorm he's two guys though he's two guys he's two consciousnesses rolled into one guy right?

oh wow a brainy guy just like W.E.B. Dubois yes yeah exactly uh famous civil rights fireball thrower uh W.E.B. Du Bois. Yes. Yeah, exactly.

Famous civil rights fireball thrower. W.E.B. Du Bois was in the Justice League for a while, right? Double consciousness. Yeah. Okay. So the first guy is the most classic. Yeah. The second one had the song in it, right?

That's the third one. That was the butthole licking. Okay. The second one was the second one? The second one was the son who met Spider-Man. It's hard to not give a prize to a four-year-old, but this guy is sure. But he's got time. Nobody wants to just listen to a bunch of stories about your four-year-old. Sure.

By the way, Simon. Yep. Today. He said to Teresa, I stand there in the kitchen. He says to Teresa, Mommy, do you want to be a planet, a moon, or electricity? That's a big question. And she said, wow, I don't know. Just like Don Henley's The Boys of Summer. Yeah.

She said, I don't know, Simon. I think I'll be a moon. I'd like to be a moon. And he said, I'm a key spinner. Wasn't an option. He controls that game. That's good. Yeah.

I'm a key spinner. I think if I don't dislike the four-year-old story. It has a lot of great shit in it. Like the four-year-old story has a lot of great shit in it. Yeah. But I do think that it is a little bit of a, you know, it is a little bit of a. It's a reach. It's a reach.

It's a reach. And I think that if we are giving out. This should be to the person who had the summer. So and if this does include dildos and malort or whatever, maybe we should eliminate the four-year-old. Is that controversial to people? No, I also think – I agree with your logic 100 percent. I also think that kid is going to have a lot of summer boy moments. He's going to have a lot of summer boy moments. And maybe he'll have a better one next year.

Sure. And he can call himself and stop being a lazy whatever this new generation is called. What if next year he decides to be electricity? There go call us and tell us yeah maybe it'll be fun what is this generation what are your kids what's the generation do they have one yet name generation next called the key spinners right framilies they're the top five generation. Oh, my God. They're just listicles.

Yeah, sure. Song, pretty good. It sounds like the opinions are coalescing around this classic. I know. Yeah, I like it. Here's what I would have liked it if it was a you know classic telling off the boss story right i would have liked some details around that i know we encourage people to keep it pithy but i think in this case i would have liked to have heard how exactly you you know it could have told told old man magic guy to go fuck himself

john magic john magic guy he's one of the last remaining employees at Magic Eye Incorporated. Yeah, it could have been unimportant. It could have just been this guy didn't show up. He answers the phones. Just photocopying books from 1998 and sending them to Barnes & Noble. Using the same machine as your tattoo artist. Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm going classic too.

I think I'm going the first guy. Can't you see? I think what makes – and I'm new to summer boy situations. But what makes a good summer boy scenario is one that you can see yourself in and just a smile on your face. No, you know what? That's a great point. And I don't think that's something that we've brought up. But yeah, it is kind of aspirational in that way.

It is. There is kind of a, you know, this could be me. Chicken soup for the summer boy. Look, I don't drink. I don't even puff spleefs. Sure. But I still, I nonetheless felt. You have an analog to this in your mind.

Yeah. I mean, I can see that. I can see that life. I can feel it for myself in a way that I can't feel winning a goldfish from a carny who's missing a pinky finger. So I think the first guys are – You have met Spider-Man though and it didn't go well. Brian, do you remember what his name was? I met you one time when you were dressed up in a Spider-Man suit.

Those were the days. Yeah. When you guys knew each other or before you were friends? That's actually how we became friends. Yeah. Jordan was- Jesse was dressed as Carnage. Jordan was wearing a Spider-Man suit.

I spotted him on, just right over here on 6th Street here in Los Angeles. MacArthur Park, yep. I pulled him into an alley and sucked him off. And we've been friends ever since that's a you know most people would just transaction done so you never right well the good news is he was really drunk i brought his cell phone to him later this is funny because that's the first

time i'm hearing this story so this is nice this is not unheard of this situation yeah that's just it's just a fun story it's just sort of a of a – it's like a friendship meet cute. Have you heard of a meet cute? Yeah. It's like – Is that when you – It's like if you draw like big eyes on a steak. Oh, yeah. Do you tell children this origin story of your friendship?

All the time. Yeah, absolutely. Jesse, you do that story time at the public library, right? But you don't bring books. Just my Spider-Man suit. Yeah, sure. Okay. The first guy wins.

Remind me what his name was, Brian. Brendan from Boston, Massachusetts. Congratulations. Email brian at maximumfun.org, your address and whatnot, and we'll send you a prize pack full of dildonics and whatever we've got in the closet. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Aaron Gibson, royalty of the suicide drinks. I've got two announcements for our listeners. There's a micro and a macro. Micro applies to the Portland area along with certain other parts of Oregon and Jefferson, which is southern Oregon and northern California. Looking at you, Vancouver, Washington. If you miss out, that's a waste. Is that a waste? No, I think you can – Oh, Vancouver, Washington. Yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. No, that's right there. Yeah miss out, that's a ways. Is that a ways? No, I think you can.

Oh, Vancouver, Washington. Yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. No, that's right there. Yeah. Yeah, that's right in the area. Vancouver, BC, it'd be nice to see you, but it's not a requirement. I'd like to see everyone.

Take a train. Everyone in the Willamette Valley to come by. Sure. I know Rachetacular's driving up from Bend. There you go. Oh, I think she lives in Bend. I don't know, Medford? You know, something like that.

All those towns. So here's the deal. If you miss this show, you're on the shit list forever because it's going to be epic. It's going to be great. And get your tickets right now because there are only a few tickets left. As soon as the word leaks out that we have literally the queen of Portland on our show, you're going to be real sorry that you didn't buy tickets. That's number one.

That's a micro thing. Macro thing. On a larger scale, you don't have to live within driving distance of Portland, Oregon for this. If you enjoy laughing or learning, I need you to subscribe to Throwing Shade. This has to be a top priority in your life. It seems silly that there would be someone who doesn't already. It seems monstrous.

Yeah. It seems grotesque. Thank you. It's like one of those things where like, you know, first they came for this and then they came for that and eventually everybody had been holocausted. Yeah. It's like you think like it seems weird at the beginning that nobody was like, hey, don't come for that. The same sort of thing applies roughly.

I mean it's not a one-to-one direct comparison. It's – you know, this is figurative language. So you can loosen it up a little bit. But I basically think that anybody who doesn't subscribe to Throwing Shade is essentially a fascist. That's a great way. I didn't know where you were going because you did mention holocausting. Right. And I thought you were going to get darker, but you totally turned it around. Yeah, I did.

Just let it back to simple fascism. I gave it a full 360. Yeah, covered it 360. Yeah. Covered it all. Yeah. Thank you so much for saying all of those wonderful things. Aaron, you don't have to say anything more about your show. I will just say I love listening to it and laughing at it.

My wife loves listening to it and laughing at it. Our children aren't allowed to listen to it. You should take credit. You came up with the tagline. Do you know that? I did, yeah. And I thought it was a bad tagline. We took it.

We ran. You said good enough. That's the tagline, by the way, good enough. We're trying. Good enough. Throwing Shade is a comedy show that is about a few things. Number one, unspeakable vulgarity, which if you've listened to Jordan and Jesse go through an entire episode,

you're comfortable with that. And number two is what's going on in the world of gay stuff and lady stuff. And Brian and Aaron are two of the funniest people I've ever known in my life and even funnier together. And it's also about important stuff. So don't miss it.

Throwing Shade, it's the best. And this dog down here is named Buzz. So he's also the best as far as I can tell. He's going to take over for us on Throwing Shade because we think he's better. So lady issues, gay issues. All by a dog. Stray dog issues. Yeah.

Hashtag covered garbage can. That's number one. That's dog. Stray dog issues. Covered garbage cans. That's number one. That's the number one stray dog issue. What bananas on the street taste like. Hashtag JJGo on Twitter. MaximumFun.reddit.com. Usually a big fat discussion on the subreddit there about Jordan Jesse Go every week. On Facebook, there's a Maximum Fun group and there's a Jordan Jesse Go page. Both of them are

a blast. In Portland, Oregon on Saturday, you can check out Brian and Lindsay at toteseat.com. Erin is at Gibblertron. You got it. Is that right? Yeah. Nailed it. On Twitter, at Gibblertron. A delight to follow on Twitter.

I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan's at Jordan underscore Morris. And we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.