Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 395: Personal Splay with Emmy Blotnick and Joseph Scrimshaw

Episode Date: September 21, 2015

Jordan is joined by writer Emmy Blotnick and comedian Joseph Scrimshaw for a discussion of beating the heat, buying furniture on Craigslist and DJ billboards.  Plus, Emmy brings snacks for everyone to sample. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Jesse Thorne out and about this week, but that doesn't mean we're not going to release a fine podcast program for all of you. In his place, I have two terrific guests, a fan favorite returning guest, and hopefully a new friend that you'll all grow to love dearly. The returning guest is a stand-up comic and a co-worker of mine on At Midnight, Emmy Blotnick. Hi, Emmy. Hey, Jordan.

Welcome back. Thank you. Nice to be back. A return appearance. Yeah, it feels great. I think this might be the closest in appearance as someone has ever been. Wow. That's how high the demand was for a return appearance. The people couldn't get enough Blotnick.

More. I was getting death threats. Gamergate-style death threats, if I wouldn't have you back on. Glad you're alive. So stop doxing me, everyone. Stop swatting me. The new friend that I mentioned is a stand-up comic, a writer for Riff Tracks, a writer for the dearly departed podcast Wits, Joseph Scrimshaw. Joseph, welcome to the program. Thank you. I'm happy to be here. Yeah, it's good to have the both of you.

Let's start here i uh how are you guys beating the heat it's summertime no it's not even summertime it's fucking fall and it's still a bazillion degrees um uh how how what's your guys's heat misery like how would you describe it is that maybe you can be on a scale or maybe you're not miserable at all. Maybe you're enjoying it. No, no. Misery is an accurate statement. I have specific sweating places that I feel like. Sweat zones. Sweat zones. And it's upper lip and upper back for me. It's better to be upper than lower, usually. I guess, yeah. I suppose it takes longer for it to end up in my ass. I would hope on both counts, yes.

It's a long journey. It's a trail of tears, if you will. It's really earned it by the time it gets to my ass. Finally, we're here in the Great Valley. It's like the land before time, but with a butt. One does not just sweat in Timor-Dor. So you have two sweat zones. I have many, but those are like the main ones.

Those are like the New York and L.A. Right, right. Upper lip sweat talks like this, but upper back sweat, the pizza's bad. I don't know. Joseph, now, we've only seen each other in person a couple of times. We've kind of been on the same mass emails because we've both been writing for Riff Tracks for a little bit. The couple times I've seen you, you have an all-black aesthetic. I do.

Talk about that choice in regards to how fucking hot it is. Terrifying, Keith. It was a choice that started as laziness and became an accidental personal brand. And it makes laundry very easy. Okay.

So I generally go with the all black and it's at this point, like, if I'm just living my life and I put on a bright blue shirt and take a picture of it and tweet it, I will get lots of responses like, what's going on? My world! Are you on Wild and Crazy Kids? Well, I mean, if he did, hopefully he would win a Sega Genesis. Right, right. Ideally, you come out of that deal with a new Sega Genesis. Or a Singalodian.

That's the karaoke machine. Was it a Nickelodeon branded karaoke machine? I think that was pure coincidence. Okay. Yeah, that just sounds like an old guy who can't let Nickelodeon go. Yeah. I'm a Singalodian. Yeah, so the heat is bad for me because I do wear all black and I am stubborn about it, but I've only been in Los Angeles for a year and a half. I'm from Minnesota. Okay. So that might, that might be more a part of, you probably acquired this all black wardrobe while in Minnesota. Yeah. In Minnesota can get

really hot in the winter or in the summer. It gets terrible in the winter, terrible cold, and then terrible hot in the summer. Uh, but still I hated the cold so much that the heat here is agony, but it is grateful agony. Okay. Because it is so much better. Oh, so you're just imagining that winter that would be coming were you in Minnesota. Yes. Okay.

The cold in Minnesota, it's a combination of the cold and the snow that physically stops you from doing the crap you want to do. And the heat is like, whew, I'm going to have to walk a little slower. Maybe turn on the AC. Sure. It's not like there are 10 feet of white shit that want to murder me. Yeah. Oh, I just, I always feel,

I'm an East Coast person, so I prefer freezing cold to burning hot. If only because I don't like to be, like, I don't like the sun and I feel like a pile of pork goo moving around here. I just feel like I'm encouraging, like, being cooked. Yeah, I mean, I feel gross, certainly, and I have sweat all over the place.

Yeah, and I hate taking showers when it's hot because then actually just putting on my black shirts is an adventure because they just, they won't go on. i put on my shirt today i put it on backwards and it was a real like debate like it's just a podcast shall i show up with my clothes on backwards it's not gonna be a five minute ordeal to peel this off hey i get it man i get it, definitely like post-shower when it's hot and like slipping on those underwear over your damp, hot genitals. I'm like, I should probably never fuck again. This is so gross. I should mention, though, in contrast to You're All Black, you have a handsome pair of red Chuck Taylors on. Bright red Chuck Taylors is a little note of color, and I think that's a lot of fun.

Yeah, and it's also accidental branding. It turned out, it worked out that I have this nice little look. But this was also, I got these red shoes when I was playing a piece of wheat at a museum in Minnesota many years ago. That's the most Minnesota acting job of all time. Yes, and I was given these red shoes. The only thing I like about playing a piece of wheat are these cool red shoes. What was it for? I'm going to take them. It's from

a museum called Mill City Museum, which is a cool museum. It's on St. Anthony Falls, which is the big waterfall that made Minneapolis grow there, and they made flour mills there, and that's where General Mills got started. Oh, okay. In Pillsbury and that's where General Mills got started. Oh, okay. In Pillsbury and that.

So it's a fun museum. Yeah. I think in Minnesota there are two acting jobs that most people get. I think New Yorkers, every New Yorker who's in the acting industry who was an actor in New York, they've all been on Law & Order. They've all been on Law & Order. That's right. Sometimes that's multiple different characters. In Minnesota, it's just Wheat and Chaff.

Yeah, you're Wheat, you're Chaff, or stand in for Prince. I would have loved to play Chaff. Chaff's the angry fucking bitter one. You're going to push me aside, motherfuckers. No, I'm Chaff. We've got to separate these two. The actual big thing that everybody plays in Minnesota is everybody has a blue shirt and a red shirt to audition for Best Buy and Target. They're both based in Minnesota.

Oh, and they do their commercials out there. They do their commercials. So every sad actor has a blue shirt and a red shirt. That's so funny. Them going like, well, I mean, he was perfect, exactly what we were looking for, but he didn't have the blue shirt, so I just couldn't picture him in the role. That has happened to friends. Like,

come on, it's a blue shirt. They know what a blue... They're gonna give me a blue shirt. Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna wear my blue shirt. I have not auditioned for a commercial in a long time, but I was always so fucking insulted when they wanted you to dress up as the thing with that reasoning exactly of like well i'm not gonna wear this in the commercial i'm gonna wear

something different also people have imaginations yeah and it definitely felt like you were just putting on a little pageant from for you know ford ford guys it's like look at all these goofballs we can parade around in front of you. Definitely the worst one of those was when I had to audition for Comic-Con Weirdo. Oh, God. What did they want you to wear? They just said, bring your craziest Comic-Con outfit. Express yourself.

Yeah, but you couldn't wear anything branded. It's a Batman suit with no dick. Does this work? How does that work? Does it mean there's a hole where Batman's dick comes out? Yes. Excellent. Yeah, sure.

So he can fuck or masturbate or pee. Strike terror in the hearts of criminals. Watch me fuck your wife, Riddler. She loves it. Fuck me fuck your wife, Riddler. She loves it. Fuck me this, Batman. Ha ha ha, Batman, little did you know I had a cuckolding fetish. So I love this.

I had to go on a commercial audition just as a quote-unquote tired mom. Oh! Like, there's no way to do this that's not insulting to myself and mom yeah and they are like the the descriptions in those commercial calls never pull any punches it's always like i auditioned for a lot of like fat asshole or unfuckable loser or yeah sexless heap sexless heap is a great, that's a magnificent description.

Yeah, someone who no one would ever fuck. Yeah. I always ask, like, I told my agent I only want to go on comedy roles. Just let me play the Comic-Con loser or the guy who doesn't get the girl. Sure. But I was right on the cusp of, like, you are, like, not handsome, but you're sort of ruggedly weird. So we'll try to send you out for, like, DJs and things like that. And that was always just the most embarrassing.

Oh, yeah. Like, have to pretend that I could be hip and cool. Like, I can't. Yeah. I don't know. Like, they made me pretend to spin a record once. I don't even know what the hell it was. I just, like, touched my ear and made a scratching gesture.

I mean, that's, I think, what I would do in that situation, too. Pretend you're petting a tall dog. Why are you lingering on the record's ass like that? Just doing it like you're petting a tall dog. Why are you lingering on the record's ass? Just doing it like I'm petting a dog. That's how I pet a dog. I always pay a lot of attention to their buttholes. To be fair, this is not an indictment of your looks, Joseph. I think you're a very handsome guy. Thank you.

But when you see, and this is definitely an L.A. phenomenon of the billboard of the DJ who's going to be in Vegas for the next four months or something. They're amazing. Yeah, they really are amazing. So it will be – and they always have these normal names. It will be like David Phillips at Omni. Armin van Buuren at – Chrysalis. I like goosh better.

Goosh. This DJ had a vaguely sex noise. Fred at Plorp. Right. Can't wait to see Fred at Plorp. It makes – the Stefan character makes so much sense when you see – like sometimes they make the billboards so that the douche rises above the the perimeter of the billboard yeah so like it's another seven feet of some guys like frosted tips right so planes are hitting it planes are knocking off these guys hair hopefully my point about these guys was that if they were not on a billboard that had been airbrushed and added an Art Deco filter to and kind of surrounded by all these geometric shapes that appear to be rocketing out of the backs of their heads, these would be fucking dorks.

Yes, you'd be like, get my latte, asshole. Yeah. I mean, yeah, the difference between barista and celebrity DJ is nebulous. Yes, it's just – It's the quality of gel. Yeah, right, yes. If Mercury was in retrograde the week that he made a song or something like that. Yeah, yeah.

If a billionaire was horny that day. I don't know. How horny was the – I think I just trivialized astrology pretty well. And electronic music. Oh, good. So we're really socking it to all kinds of groups. One of my favorite people that I'm Facebook friends with still, like a girl from my college who is now discovering DJing.

And she's like pursuing it very seriously. Sure. And so she writes all these self-serious posts that are like, for those of you who think DJs just stand behind their laptops and press play, like you're wrong. See, okay. So that's me. Yes. I need to read one of these posts apparently. Have you been able to pull out any kind of rationale for her feelings?

Do you know why she thinks DJing is more than just laptop maintenance? Pass. Yeah, that's fine. That's absolutely fine. I've experienced some very bad DJs, and that makes me appreciate a quality DJ. Yeah. Yeah, no, I definitely like when you are in a place that has music and the music is particularly good and it segues nicely and creates a mood for the evening. I mean, that's definitely something special.

But it seems like there's a huge gap between, you know, sports bar that's doing a great job with music and bazillionaire who's on a billboard. Yeah. And most people can't seem to really top Pandora. Sure. I think that's it is that I would be very happy if DJs just played a song that I could dance to. And then there would be a one-second break. And then another song. I'd be happy with that.

And I think that's probably a horrible insult to the art of DJing. Why do you want to blend things? Can you just play songs? Yeah. Back to back. Listen, we all just want to hear Karma Chameleon. And then Uptown Funk. Yeah, basically anything from like 84 to 2004 were good.

Other than that, with the blending. But yeah, I think really bad DJs, it's an art form where they can get you to the point where they're really excited about a song and then just nothing happens for a while and get you into that point where you are just sort of shuffle dancing for long enough that you realize how stupid you look. And then when grooves in the heart kicks in, you just lose your shit. Then that place becomes a fuck palace. But I mean, you know, and then, you know, I guess where we are at now, the height of DJ-dom is making you anticipate that bass drop. Right.

Like maybe that's what these men are being paid, you know, millions of dollars for. They're like explorers to like see how far can we go. Right. How long can we go until the beat drops. Sure. And yeah, I mean, I think in that way, they're pioneers. They're noble. I think I have come around, Jerry.

They're the real heroes. Exactly. Our nation's first responders, they're fine. Exactly. Our nation's first responders, they're fine. But I think really the people that are pushing us culturally are the celebrity DJs. You would be so lucky. They let the beat drop right away. Tim Thompson at Glorp. Yeah, it would be the best thing that ever happened to you if Red Robin let you play at DJ in one of their commercials.

Oh, I would love that. I mean, maybe you also, while you're DJing, get unlimited steak fries. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think that would be a good addition to my diet. Yeah. Back to beating the heat. This is my beating the heat story. Or maybe rather a beating the heat opportunity that I feel like I missed. So I do not have air conditioning in my apartment.

It is one of those. You're so brave. Yeah. Thank you. You know what? I think it's our nation's first responders, celebrity DJs, and then me. Absolutely. As far as who America owes something to.

Do you have a fan? I have multiple fans. And I have a fan system around the room that I've created a homemade vortex. It's just your cat flying around like the coward twister. Yeah, I just make my cat run in circles until she generates a

wave. But it's one of those charming old 30s buildings that is not set up for air conditioning. It's set up to have a fan on a block of ice. That was the cooling system when this building was built. So there's nowhere to put in a wall unit. I think there's probably some handyman type stuff I could probably do to install one, but that ain't me, guys.

That ain't me. Not who I am. I'm not a guy who tries to solve a problem with cleverness. I don't do things with my hands. No, I just am miserable and create a fan vortex. I'm not a Home Depot. I would never be caught dead buying lumber. Audition for one of those guys.

Oh, boy. I mean, I don't have an orange shirt, so how could I? How could I? So I have a series of fans and it's fine. It's still a little bit miserable in there. But last weekend we were in Portland for a live show that hopefully you've listened to already. It's in the goddamn feed. So fucking listen to it.

So we were in Portland and we were staying at a hotel. And I was very, very excited to stay at the hotel because of hotel air air conditioning which is the most powerful of the air conditionings um and you know it was just at a you know was not at a a you know charming you know portland b&b it was at a i think it was a red roof in i think it was a chain it was right by the airport and i'm like this place will not be charming at all but it will have that fucking hotel air conditioning that that that-your-skin-from-your-bones hotel air conditioning that I just needed. I just needed it. You deserve it, girl. Thanks.

Am I your world? You bet. Good. And it started out like I spent the week leading up to it, like, fantasizing about the air conditioning. Like, I would just think about what I was going to do. And it started to i'm going to blast as soon as i get in there and then it turned into oh i'm going to like take off all my clothes as soon as i get in there and just feel the you know feel the artificial blast be a nelly song yes i'm going to be a living neelly song. But instead of getting laid in the club, I'm going to stand alone naked in a hotel room. And I definitely had this moment where I genuinely wanted to become naked and splay out in front of the air conditioning.

And I just had this fantasy of it coming in through my butt and filling me like a balloon and becoming this air-conditioned balloon man who was never hot again. And I didn't do it. I definitely was in the room and enjoyed the air conditioning, but I didn't splay out. Now you have a great kid's book idea. Yeah. How to splay. Yeah. How to become a man balloon.

Through your butt. Yeah. And I'm kind of disappointed in myself. Like, you know, I had a time to, you know, grab life by the balls or to, you know. Did you take your clothes off? I was in my undies, but I did not strut around nude. And I should have. I should have done more, but it felt, while I was there,

it felt undignified. It felt like new low. Okay. You know? Were you trying to get yourself to the point of being comfortable enough to just whip your underwear off and total splay? I just kept telling myself, I'll do it later. I'll splay later. I'm so busy. I got so much to take care of. But I left, I got in the shuttle and went to the airport not having splayed out in front of the air conditioner and now it's all i can think of and i'm i'm worried that to close this loop in my head i will have to just get a holiday in for a night and do it here like just go to the burbank airport you should to the double tree now would you would you stay for a whole night or would you just go in for like two hours for a personal splay? Yeah, like just like slip one of the cleaning guys a 20 and just say, hey, come back to room 212.

Right after I seal the deal. Right after I become a balloon man. I'm just going to become naked in the deep end. Yeah, so I think I might have to if this heat wave continues. If anybody has any favorite L.A. hotel chains that you think have good air conditioning, hit me on Twitter and let me know where I can splay. I once stayed at the Standard for like a night for something here. This is kind of a downtown club kid destination.

Yeah, it's for DJs and people who want to be DJs. DJs and the DJ adjacent. Yeah, exactly. The DJ adjacent. That's perfect. They have, everything is like a little sexualized in this hotel. And the air conditioner knob, instead of like low, medium, high, it was like, blow, blow harder. Like, pull my dick.

I don't know what the last thing was. Does it make you cooler? Or does pulling the dick get the temperature up? I don't think. There wasn't a pull. There wasn't a pull on the dick. Not a lot of logic to this, though, to be fair. I couldn't remember what the third one was.

Like, blow hardest, probably. Yeah, sure. But I just remember being like, this is the douchiest air conditioner that I'll ever turn on. They're inserting such douchery into this. The air conditioner had frosted tips on it, too, right? They blow in the wind. Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, I mean, before, I mean, if you would have described that air conditioning, you'd be like, well, that's a little much. But now, at the point I'm at, I think that has sexualized this air conditioner just enough. So maybe my strategy of just going to a, you know, Best Western or something, maybe I should go, excuse the expression, balls out. Go to the standard.

Put on my best vest with no shirt on underneath. Splay out in style. Yeah. Would you watch anything? Splay out like the stars. Yeah, sure. Would you watch anything or would you just try to be in the perfect state of balls out? Oh, yeah.

Meditative. And just like take that into yourself so you can hold on to it later. Yeah, maybe I would like turn on pay-per-view and watch a movie I missed in theaters like Ant-Man. I love the combination of I want my balls utterly exposed and I'm going to watch a movie called Ant-Man. Sure. Well, on that delightful note, we're going to take a break, maybe drink some water, and we'll be right back for more Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, I'm Mark. And I'm Hal.

And we're the hosts of We Got This. The show that offers definitive answers to dumb debates that you suggest. Every Wednesday, we discuss the hot button topics you never knew you cared so much about, We got this. We got this. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Emmy Blotnick, Cornbright scholar. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, is great. I mean, this is after all theater of the mind, what we're doing here. People have to imagine me. A sort of radio drama. That's right, if you will. Imagine us all splayed and naked. Dials up

to blow harder. I'm watching Ant-Man, if you know what I mean. Paul Rudd sure is charming. What a charmer. He can really juice a joke. I mean, your nickname, Corn Bright Scholar, has something to do with the treat you've brought us.

Can you explain? Yeah, I went to a bakery around the corner from here, and they had bagged snacks that I had never seen before. One of them is called Corn Brights. had never seen before. One of them is called corn brights and they look like basically like obese, like cereal bits, like, like puffed up fruity pebbles. Okay. And this is actually something I think, I think the, the listeners at home would love a review of if they, if they can't make it over here to a East L.A. where you do have a lot of stores that sell mystery snacks. Yeah. I think that's the district we're in is the unidentifiable snack you've never seen district.

And these are, let's see, these are from the Diana brand. Oh, everyone's favorite when it comes to snacking. And they are sugar-coated vanilla-flavored corn snack. Okay. Well, yeah, let's have a corn bright. And as I think you mentioned, it does sound like a scholarship for diabetic kids. Exactly. Are they all kind of banana-shaped?

Am I saying that correctly? Yeah, they're kind of runt-shaped, in fact. Ah, okay, because they're supposed to be like runts. I don't know if the colors have different flavors. I somehow doubt it. Yes, I think that's too much thought. A little high end for the brand. So, yeah, so these taste a lot like a very fruity cereal, but without the milk.

I think you could probably have these in a bowl with milk, and it would be indistinguishable from a Trix. Right. Oh, Trix, that's the one. I was circling the cereal that these are most like, and I was, it's not Lucky Charms, it's not Fruity Pops, it's Trix. It might be an Oops All Berries, but that's a... That is the best cereal name. I love that it was an accident. I love that they would try to put it off like it's a sequel.

Yeah. These just taste like every movie tie-in cereal that they make just for like a month. Like, here's Batman cereal. Here's Star Wars cereal. Oh, yeah. Generic sugar shit. Mr. T cereal. These are generic sugar shit.

Which would you like anymore? That's so funny. Sure. Yeah. As kind of forgettable and familiar as these are, I could eat a whole bag. I think so, too. These are very tasty. I kind of like corn brights.

I'm going from corn bright scholar to professor at the Corn Bright Institute. Now, is there any actual corn involved, do we think? Yeah. I would think so. Corn syrup? Corn syrup, see? First ingredient. Oh, no, sugar comes first.

Excuse me. We're redeemed. We're the only American farmers out in the fields growing that corn syrup. Yeah, no, boy, it's funny you mentioned movie tie-in cereals. Does that happen anymore? Is there an Ant-Man cereal? Is there a Furious 7 cereal that we just don't know? There's a Star Wars one right now.

Okay. That's just sort of like, it's not actually for the new movie. It's just all of the branding of, remember Star Wars? So you're not getting it. You're not getting a BB-8 marshmallow in there. I think you are, but they're grossly misshapen to the point where you have to refer on the back to, like, that's either BB-8 or Yoda or Darth Vader's penis.

I don't know. To the marshmallow key on the back of the box. Something bulbous that I'm supposed to put in my mouth, and it's a marshmallow. Yeah. Kids these days, it's unfortunate they don't have the gross generic tasting tie-in cereals that we had as kids. This one is not shy about the sugar. Like sometimes the sugar is masked by some other alleged flavor like chocolate or fruit. Yeah.

This is just no bullshit. It is sugar flavored. It's sugar flavored. They said vanilla in there, but vanilla takes a distant backseat. This is what drone ants make for the queen. Pure glucose meant to make our egg sacks heartier. Yes. This is just so much sugar that it makes you think of vanilla just conceptually.

Sure. There's no vanilla in this. This is what Katy Perry pooped during the California Girls video. And they bagged it? Yes. It's amazing this wasn't more expensive than it was. It's true. It explains the shape, though.

You know those coffee beans that have to get passed through a ferret's intestines first? Yeah. These are those. These are those. Okay. Well, thanks for bringing them. Hey, my pleasure. Oh, Katie Perry poo.

While we're snacking, there's something I wanted to ask you about. Now, you've lived in L.A. for almost a year now? Six months. Six months. Six months. Yeah. And you moved here to work on the At Midnight program. Indeed. And you did something that I thought was really interesting and noble, but also very time-consuming, which is to furnish your new apartment.

You did not just do a one big Ikea or Target or, you know, home goods run. You have been slowly and steadily collecting things from Craigslist weirdos. Yeah. And driving to all parts of L.A. County. And I just kind of wanted to check in about this to see how it's going and to see what if any prize pieces you have from this delightful fool's errand. Thank you for spinning this in a positive way. That's nice. It's mostly because I can't assemble stuff. And, like, I'm alone in this place.

And like I'm alone in this place. So like I bought – when I first got the place, I bought a step ladder from Ikea for $40, which is a bad price. Yeah. And it came in like 70 parts. And in an hour and a half sitting on the floor, I got through half of it. And then I put the half-assembled thing on Craigslist and was like, the description was like, get this away from me. Ladder bad. I hated it so much. And so I was looking for things that seemed like kind of quality that I couldn't karate chop in half on a bad day.

And there's so much stuff on Craigslist. You just have to be patient with weeding through it. And with the fact that, like, maybe 60% of the people dealing on Craigslist are, like, missing some screws themselves. Sure. Not unlike a piece of IKEA furniture. Indeed. You get the human version. Sure.

They could use an Allen wrench, but it wasn't in the bag. Are you trying to avoid weirdos? Or at this point, is that part of your sort of curatorial process where you want to collect a story with each piece of furniture? Oh, well, the stories are such, they're not all good. So, you know, I'd like it to be as smooth a transaction as possible. But every once in a while, you get somebody who, like, lies about the state that the thing is in. And then you get there, and it's, like, covered covered in raccoons and you're like, I'm going to go.

It's currently on fire. Yes. That's the ultimate red flag. Sure. If they don't disclose that it's not on fire. What has been the biggest, what has been the biggest, you know, bill of goods that you've been sold as far as a piece of furniture? What has been the time where you've gone there and seen something that was the most different from the picture?

Oh, I guess this isn't that dramatic. But there was one table that was in a girl's bedroom in the photo. And then in person it was corroded like it was just freshly pulled out of the Titanic remains. It was like thick with dark brown and orange rust. And I was like, I have to go buy chemicals now if I want to deal with this. Sure, because I'll get tetanus when I'm trying to eat breakfast. So it's, you know, it's, I think you can judge decently from what kind of photos people post where it's like, if you're looking for a couch and the person leaves their cat on the couch with like those glowing green eyes and it's like maybe

i shouldn't like let myself into this person's house sure because like the quality of the photography yeah it's gonna be good it's just a common sense type of thing it's like did they bother to clean up their house at all before they took the picture? A lot of people leave their living rooms in just the shittiest states. So you're like, oh, now I know that you eat oops all berries in your bedroom. Oops, this is my life. I was about to say oops not married, but I didn't like it that much. It's good that you didn't say that. It's delightful.

That was something I noticed the last time I was looking for apartments is that if – when I was – it was more of a thing of can we get the whole apartment in the shot that we're using because I remember driving by one that had nice photos and, you know, was, you know, in what I believe to be a nice neighborhood. But I remember pulling up and just, you know, making a, you know, making an arrangement with the realtor, the tenant or whoever is showing the thing to be there at a certain time. And I remember pulling up and if there were broken children's toys on the lawn, I'm like, do I even look in this place? Like there's a guy coming over and you can't get rid of the, you know, rusted, shattered play school corn popper on the lawn. How fun a place will this be to live? If he's holding a stroller over his head intending to smash it on your car. Are you a bad dad? This is the house for you.

Right. Yeah. Have you disappointed your family and everyone else? Live here. So there's, yeah, there's a certain thing of like, if you can't even muster this much effort, why bother? Right. So what have you got that you've really liked?

Has anything good come of this? A lot of good. Well, a lot of things are just like, I like, the key I find if you need everything is to look for people who are getting rid of everything. Okay. And then also look for people who live in really nice neighborhoods.

So people who are fleeing. Yeah, fleeing wealthy people. So people who are fleeing like Beverly Hills, the Pacific Palisades, Highland Park. By the Hollywood sign, I found a few yard sales and people who were moving out and stuff who seemed totally disconnected with the value of objects. Oh, okay. Oh, like a rich person who has never bought milk before. Yes, that kind of person is a great person to buy.

Like a sitcom version of like the 1%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Awesome. Because I got a rug for $10 that was in great shape and I was like, this is awesome. And I just realized like, oh, this person just doesn't care. Like it's – all of this is nothing to them. They just want to like be done with this. Yeah.

The opportunism is in like people who are moving, who are out of time or who have tons of money and no regard for anyone else. Value. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what's the – have you met any weirdos – what is the weirdest weirdo, either most delightful or most terrifying? Oh, let me think. There's one girl who I – the rusty table one who I've since run into on the street once, who shouted me down by yelling, girl, girl, which was scary. You automatically turn around because that's your gender. I guess, yeah. And if it's like a quiet street, you know, I don't know. All the neighbors are like, what?

A girl here? And then she matched with my friend on Tinder. So it almost feels like the universe either wants us to reconcile or we're going to have some kind of duel or I don't know what will happen next. So do you have the table that you described as thick with rust? Yes. And I covered it with cloth and it's fine. Did you have to scrape it first? Yes, I tried. I actually burnt some skin off my hand using something called CLR, which is like

calcium lime rust. I was like, oh, you can dissolve a person with this stuff. That'll be another fun project. Yeah, dissolving my person. So I gave up on that after the first sharp burning sensation.

I'll say that I had a really lovely time. There was you and me and Matt Myra in Matt Myra's backyard painting a bookcase that you had found. Oh, yeah. I thought that was a lovely evening. And then we went and stood in line and got the Batman game. That's right. I felt like that was sort of a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours kind of situation. I was like, why am I in a GameStop at midnight?

Because it's the fucking most fun you've ever had. How did I get here? I kind of felt a little bit bad about dragging you to that. This is not my beautiful GameStop. And the games go by. Was it pre-planned? That you would take? I don't know.

I don't know how we got into that. I think it was kind of spur of the moment. It was kind of like, this will be fun. We're out anyways. But yeah, definitely like that experience. And you're not somebody who plays video games or is in that world. It really delivered on what you think that's going to be, waiting in line at midnight to get a video game. Where it's like, where is that smell coming from?

Oh, just around? Yeah. Everybody collectively. Just excitement, sweat. Look at all these cargo shorts. Yeah. But I was glad that you were around to paint a little bit because i painted a lot of i found paint you can get ugly furniture on craigslist and paint it white and if it's a nice shape then suddenly it's a nice thing and i like

i i found that painting is just sort of painting furniture which doesn't take a lot of skill it's actually like a nice activity yeah it's it's. There's a soothing kind of repetitive element to it that I like a lot. Before there were websites, I guess. That's what you do to kill a sack. You're burying the horror. You're just making all the horror of the furniture go away, right? Right. Yeah, just painting away the awful memories,

the things that this furniture has seen. I painted over an old lady's earring that was in one of the drawers. Right. It was a mistake. Joseph, when you, now you moved here not too, too long ago. You said a year and a half-ish? Yeah, about a year and a half. When you moved, did you bring over everything from Minnesota or did you purge?

God, no. We purged. We still own a house in Minneapolis that we tried to sell. Okay. And went through all the photography stuff of trying to make it look nice. Sure. And then we got a storage space. So, like, most of my life is in a storage space in Minneapolis. Okay. And went through all the photography stuff of trying to make it look nice. Sure. And then we got a storage space. So, like, most of my life is in a storage space in Minneapolis.

Okay. And then we brought very, very little to our nice small apartment. And that is great. We love not having all of this sort of just shit that we accumulated. Oh, nice. In our lives. And owning a house in Minneapolis was just... The house was lovely, but I got to face the reality that I'd rather be playing Batman

video games than doing anything handy oh sure sure yeah yeah yeah well i mean you know to be fair ridding gotham of scarecrow it's handy it's handy for the people of gotham they appreciate it um did you uh did you do craig's listing or did you do a target run how did you how did you fill the house with the necessary house stuff oh when we had the house, we got one or two things that we saved up and bought a nice couch because we knew we're mostly just going to sit in here. I respect that. Yeah, it was very sparsely decorated. The house was buying the idea of being adults

and we got in there like, eh, it's really time consuming and expensive to be a true adult. Sure. With like actual nice furniture. Let's get model trains. The only piece of furniture I got from Craigslist was for like a comedy video I was shooting that a buddy who was doing it with me was supposed to bring a couch and he just didn't. So we needed to get a couch like that day to shoot. So we looked up Craigslist and went out into the boonies of Minneapolis, St. Paul, and we went to the address that was listed, and it was like this old sort

of horror house out of Resident Evil with this rotten porch. And we knocked on the door, and this very old David Lynch man came to the door. He's like, oh, come on in. And we entered, and there's a dog that he was petting. He's like, sit down. I'm going to make you a sandwich. And we're like, I'll make you a sandwich? I could see a glass of water, a cup of coffee. He's going to make us a sandwich. I'm going to make you a sandwich. What did you do?

Well, we said, well, we're here for the couch. He's like, well, great. What did I get you a sandwich? And then we said, you know, the couch from Craigslist. And honest to God, he said, what's a Craigslist? And we suddenly realized this is not the home that it's supposed to be. But this guy was not knowing what you were talking about, was prepared to make you a sandwich? He was really adamant that we sit down and stay a while.

We're like, no, that's okay if you don't know what a Craigslist is. There hasn't been a Craigslist here in 50 years. Oh, Craig died a long time ago. Some say you can still hear him. Making his list. When the moon is full. Just enumerating things.

You can hear Craig scratch it away, making a list of people he thinks should die. Yeah, so then we drove around and found the actual house and the number was off by a little bit. It was way out in the Yeah, so then we drove around and found the actual house, and the number was off by a little bit. This was way out in the country, so they were a ways away. But then they were just like, the people we actually got it from were out of a Target commercial,

just like perfect people with a little futon. But then we told them about the guy at the murder house, and they just said, yeah, we know about him. Jesus. You didn't eat the sandwich did you stay away sit down uh yeah so that was my one and only actual craigslist experience because it was just yeah that seems right thing seems like you could have died oh yeah that's the thing so i think 90 my feeling is 90 percent of the time it's totally fine. And then it's just the 10 percent is so bizarre. Sure. That it's like, oh, man. Oh, boy.

Yeah. Right. It kind of colors the whole Craigslist experience. That one time when you have to deal with a jittering weirdo. Yeah. Yeah. So we have next to nothing and it's awesome. Yeah.

I don't want anything else. Yeah. You're not a fan of stuff. No. No. You're minimalists. I i am now i was not at all just make it a make it a philosophy i think minimalist is a good way to approach it just say it's part of my personal my personal brand exactly a lot of black i wear black red shoes and i don't have shit now you uh just if you recently got back from uh kind of a novel comedy tour. I feel like I was seeing a lot of stuff on Twitter and such about this.

And it started at Dragon Con? Yeah. So I do a lot of comedy within sort of the geek world. So I do a lot of conventions. Shocked, by the way. I know. I know. I seem so not geeky with my constant Star Wars references.

So, yeah, Dragon Con's insane. It's a great big convention. It's super fun. Where is it? Dragon Con is in Atlanta, Georgia, which is really easy

to forget because this year I think it was 70,000 people who were there for Dragon Con. Okay. So all in super uber geek costumes

but also with a huge party mentality. So it's just sort of like there's Cyclops from the X-Men, and he's drunk. Oh, look, there's two Dumbledore who look like they're about to have sex. Total, like, wall-to-wall. People are just making it rain on the Dumbledores who are making out.

You can easily see that. They're, like, themed parties. It's like a huge party convention. So there's a lot of, like, performances and shows. And I did, at DragonCon, we did a big concert. Paul and Storm are in and Mike Furman and a bunch of other

great, cool people. And I did a stand-up set. And then the big finale of the concert was one of the performers from Monty Python just coming up on stage to sing a little song.

Oh, wow. Who was it? It was not, Terry Jones, right? Is that right? Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Terry Gilliam was the year before.

Was that Dragon Con the year before? Oh, great. So they try and get a python every year. Yes, they try to get a python every year. Oh, man. That's terrific. Yeah, so it was very surreal. So the end of the concert was we were waiting for Terry Jones to get there and put on his

knight costume so he could sing Always Look on the Bright Side of Life with the cast. But it was taking a while. So I was in charge of running back and forth from the stage to tell the performers on stage to stretch and then checking in this weird sort of back hallway of a hotel to see if Terry Jones had put on his clothes yet. And when you are doing a con-based show where you kind of know something about the audience, you're like, okay, well, this is going to be 40% drunk Dumbledores. Are there jokes you can do at that that you cannot do at the Laugh Factory or something? Yeah, absolutely. The weird thing is I don't tend to go super, super deep on geek references, but there's a difference

between knowing intellectually who Obi-Wan Kenobi is and just fucking loving Obi-Wan Kenobi and having thoughts and opinions and a relationship with him. Sure, yeah. And that's the difference is like, I could do an Obi-Wan Kenobi joke at the laugh factory. People are like, yeah, that guy, great. Sure.

But, you know, at the convention, they love him. There are many of them sitting next to him. Obi-Wan's sitting right next to him. There are several Obi-Wans. They're everywhere. So, yeah. So the set I did at DragonCon and on the tour is a set I've been doing that's a mix of jokes about Star Wars and then social justice. Okay.

Which is just like I was sitting around and thinking, like, I want to do the things that are on my mind. And those are the two things I'm thinking about. It seems really stupid and fun to put them together. I guess if you do spend a lot of time on the Internet, I mean, you and I spend a lot of time on the Internet. Too much time. Yeah, too much time. I could see how the two things that would be on your mind would be social justice and Star Wars. Those are the main things in my feed, really.

Sure. Yeah. That fits. Yeah. Because I have a lot of friends who are very active in social justice. And the thing for me, like there's nothing in my set that's super controversial. It's sort of like there's some stuff about ageism. There's like, hey, women are people too jokes.

Sure. But sometimes they feel a little risky. And then there's the chemtrails are poisoning our young people chunk. Slip that in. It's in the subtext. Listen for it. If you play the set backwards. You can hear about.

May the chemtrails be with you. Well, great. So I think it's about time for another dose of fresh air, another drink of water to tease the audience for when we come back from break. Emmy, you brought a second snack. I'm going to change my nickname. Emmy Blotnick, second snack. We'll be right back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go.

Hi, I'm Allegra Ringo, a dog owner. And I am Renee Colbert, a dog wanter. And together, we're the hosts of Can I Pet Your Dog? A podcast for unapologetic dog lovers. So let's talk about this. What are you getting yourself into? What is this podcast about? Well, we have dog news, dog experts, and interviews with special guests about their dogs.

We also talk about dogs that we met this week. Join us every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org for new episodes of Can I Pat Your Dog? It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Emmy Blotnick. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Emmy Blotnick, pepito bandito. Joseph Scrimshaw, shame eater. So, Emmy, you were teasing our next snack with your nickname.

Yes. As you did with Corn Bright Scholar. Right. So, tell us what else you've brought us from uh a grocery store that sells mystery foods so these are uh the brand is pepito i didn't steal them okay did i imply that you stole them no bendito i think oh okay yeah like i robbed them well we nobody thought that we were becoming scholars by eating the other one. That's true, yeah. Fair enough. And these are labeled tasty garbanzos.

It's garbanzos con chile, which they're sort of, they're dried garbanzo beans covered in dark chili dust. Okay. So I think they'll be good. Yeah, that does not sound, that does not sound untasty. Yeah. Sounds like I'm going to eat a David Bowie song or something. They're definitely not, they don't seem exactly exotic. They just looked good.

Sure. I think like a David Bowie song, this too will make me feel like I have an androgynous sexuality. A lot of crunch factor here. Yeah, for sure. Also kind of a, these taste like packing product smell. Yeah. On the front. And I mean this in the best possible way.

That when you get past the hint of spice, which is palpable, it's a very intense spice, it does taste like you're eating trash. Yes. Like this, it tastes like non-food. Yeah. I feel like I got something spicy from Amazon. Yeah. The packing material.

Mm-hmm. For sure. I mean, maybe that's a fun new promotion from Amazon. It's sort of like, you know how in wine, when assholes describe wine, they talk about, like, it's got these notes at the front and these notes as a finish or whatever. Sure. It's envelopes as a front at the beginning. Oh, yeah. And then chili as a finish or whatever. It's envelopes as a front at the beginning. Oh, yeah.

And then chili as a finish. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I think that's very, it's very descriptive. Yeah. There's something cement-y about it. Like, it's going to stay with me for a while. Like, if I don't get it off my teeth, it's going to stay there.

Mm-hmm. Yes. I remember. I've seen notes of cement. I remember once when I worked on Fuel TV, we would do these segments. They loved challenging eating segments and doing crazy stunts and stuff like that. So I think we were shooting a week of shows in Vegas, and I went to this place that apparently had a ghost pepper burger, a burger that had a ghost pepper on it, which is I guess the hottest in heat units, the hottest heat unit per square inch pepper. Yeah, 700 fieries. And I remember being able to do five bites of this burger before I had to tap out, and it was so intense.

And then I remember later on in the day, several hours later, I went to the bathroom and in going to the bathroom, there's part of going to the bathroom, touched my own penis and felt a burning heat travel up my penis because a little bit of the sauce was still under my fingernail. Oh, my God. And I kind of have a feeling that unless we wash thoroughly after this, some of this packing peanut residue will maybe get into our genitals. That was a really fun story for me because I was assuming, since you were talking about eating something hot, this was going to be a pooping story. And then I was wondering why you were touching your penis while pooping. No, no, no.

It was not a poopoo story. It was a pee-pee story. A much more high class. You thought I was going poopoo. I was going pee-pee. You zigged and I expected you to zag. Yeah, so I think of the, yeah, I probably need to cut this with a few corn brights. I'm chasing these with corn brights now.

Yeah, that seems good. Those are not so good. Yeah. They're a little spicy for me because I am a little milquetoast Midwest human. Oh, yeah. They are spicy. Oh, yeah, the corn brites. Corn brites make it okay.

Sweet, sweet corn brites. Take these next time you eat a ghost pepper burger or whatever. Yeah, yeah, just have a handful. I hope, and I don't know where my career is going. I mean, none of us can say which way the tides will turn in life. But I sincerely hope that I do not have to go back to the world of goofy, deep cable challenge segments. As lovely a time as I had being bitten by snakes and pantsed by skateboarders. Scorching your dick.

Yeah, scorching my dick. And that wasn't even on air, right? No, I mean, some of it was on air, some of it was off. The penis touching wasn't, right? No, yeah, that was, yes, that was just in my private time. The camera crew only captured the screams from outside the bathroom. Right. I left my mic on so they hear me shrieking.

I left my mic on so they hear me shrieking. I think I'm fine never doing another goofy cable TV challenge segment. Fair enough. Yeah. Have you done the cinnamon challenge? No, I did not do the cinnamon challenge. Yeah, this was a little – that's a little – clearly you don't know the fuel TV vibe, Emmy. This had to be extreme.

Cinnamon Challenge, that's for YouTube cuties. That's true. That's not good enough for television. No, yeah. Unless it's a famous person. Sure, yeah. If it's like Mario Lopez takes the Cinnamon Challenge, I'm in. Yeah. Mario, if you're out there, we want to see you try and eat a tablespoon of cinnamon.

He's the mayor of Los Angeles. Yeah, right. Honorary mayor. Yeah. But he can mayor of Los Angeles. Yeah, right. Honorary mayor. Yeah. But he can call for executions. Right. Yes. Good.

Yeah. I mean, who better? Somebody has to. I know, right? From time to time, and of course by from time to time, I mean in every single episode, we like to go to our phone lines where our listeners have been kind enough to provide us with voicemails for a segment we call Momentous Occasions. Jen, would you roll that first clip? Hey, hey, hey, Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm currently in the supermarket and buying MaxiPads for my wife. And then a gentleman walked by to the condom section, because the condoms are right next to the maxi pads, and walked up and just stopped his cart, turned and looked, and just let out a big sigh like, I'm looking for these. Started reading and comparing them, looking at all the backs of the boxes, and I look over at him, and he's looking very closely, and he pulls out his monocle so he can read the back of the boxes, and I look over at him, and he's looking very closely, and he pulls out his monocle

so he can read the back of the condom box. So he's a very high-class gentleman comparing notes to make sure that either the lubricant or some sort of crucial aspect. So, yeah, very picky condom shopper using a monocle. Of course, you can probably guess that we're in Portland. Thanks, guys. That's great. I think I want to take a minute to give that momentous occasion a quick round of applause.

It was momentous. Yeah. I mean, and listen, nothing against our listeners who are lovely people and are kind enough to call us in and provide us with content every week. But we've been doing this for so long that sometimes I'm a little numb when it comes to moments, occasions. You know, you- You motherfuckers put her in your egg.

Yeah. You know, we've heard a husband agreed to a three-way. We've heard I'm, you know, I'm walking in a public park and someone has an odd animal on a leash. But I think Condom Dandy really, really reawoken my passion for this segment. That is fucking amazing. That is great. Threesome also sounds pretty good. Yeah, yeah.

You'd know the threesome was hot. Especially if there are three monocles involved. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just a bunch of dandies going to town on each other. Maybe Dumbledore comes in later. Hey, guys, it's me. That's my Dumbledore impression, by the way. I like Brooklyn Dumbledore.

Yeah, it's me. I'm a wizard. Get ready to suck my balls. Gross. Yeah, boy, I really like, I like the presentational nature of that, too, of this man just wanting everyone to know that he was such a discerning sex-haver that he needed to inspect these closely with his monocle. Yeah, there's something beautifully rhythmic about the shape of a monocle and the shape of a condom. Oh, I didn't think about that.

Yeah, sure, yeah, right. He has a tiny one for his penis, I'm sure. Well, let me have a closer look. Yeah. See what spice is disturbing my penis. The last time I was in the, you know, adult sex prep area of the drugstore. Sex prep. By getting some sex prep items in preparation for sex.

That's what you chop up all the celery and you keep it in a little bowl. Yeah, yeah. Right, yeah. You put a pot of water on to boil. Yeah, you separate all the spices. Sure, yeah. And you marinate the chicken in a little Ziploc bag of buttermilk overnight. I know how to have sex, Emmy!

Set out your DVD of You've Got Mayo. Oh, what's this? I guess we better watch this and get super horny. Fan out the other Meg Ryan films. We've got them all. Always be prepared. What are the other Meg Ryan movies? I was trying to pull a couple, but I realized I couldn't do it.

Is she in Sleepless in Seattle? Yes. Sleepless in Seattle. That was the Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan. Yeah. Twofer. Ryan. Yeah. Twofer. Yeah. Yeah.

Just you've got mail, but there's no mail. Yeah, yeah. You don't have mail in Sleepless in Seattle. Anyways, as I always like to say to our listeners when we can't remember something on the air, do not tell us on Twitter later that we've forgotten it. If I want to look up Meg Ryan movies, I'm going to do it. As we discussed a few weeks ago, the policy for that is now instead of tweeting us about something that you want us to know, tweet Senator Ted Cruz. So I want everybody out there, every Meg Ryan fan out there who was fucking going nuts during that last part, yelling their favorite Meg Ryan movies.

Round up that filmography. Yeah, sure. Take that rage. Get on Twitter.com. And as always, project that back at Senator Ted Cruz. Let him know what your favorite Meg Ryan movies are. Fill the cannon. Point it at Ted Cruz.

Blast him in the face with Meg Ryan. Maybe, yeah, maybe let go on YouTube, find some favorite Meg Ryan moments, and let Senator Ted Cruz know, for God's sakes, don't let us know. It's just annoying. Anyways, so when I was standing in front of the, when I was getting ready to go to the sex prep area, and there was a woman there taking a long time – not pulling out a monocle unfortunately but just a normal woman who was discerning about her sex prep products. And so I – usually when you're in that zone, you kind of know what you're after.

It's not a browsing situation. Maybe you look for a good deal or a clearance or something like that but yeah defective lube but you know you kind of know what you're after you grab it and you you know you don't linger but this woman was was lingering and so i guess i was kind of forced to linger too because i needed to get by her to get my item and i saw something that was kind of amazing, and I definitely made an impulse decision in the sex prep aisle, which I had never done before.

And my impulse was to get this item called Fresh Balls. It is a cream, four-year balls, that has a muscle man on it. This is, I think we are close enough to West Hollywood in this story to where the gay man demographic is probably who they're aiming this product at. But I, you know, sometimes. But everyone appreciates fresh balls.

Sure. I have a problem with. Ladies, fellas. Sure, yes. Absolutely. I might check that out. Not for sex purposes, just for life. Sure, yeah.

Just to kind of go through life with a kind of confidence that you can only get from having fresh balls. Fresh muscular balls. It's a cream. And it's to stand in for, it's a cream you use in place of like a gold bond. In place of like a ghost pepper. Like a ghost, yeah. Like rubbing pure ghost pepper extract on your penis to create a fire sensation. But see, I understand what Gold Bond, like powdering your balls makes sense to me.

But I don't know how the cream also, how it dovetails with freshness. I think it just, it acts in the same way in that it reduces moisture. I see. Which in these hot days of ours is an issue. Seems like just like calling a movie a film. No, you're right. I mean, I think we are gilding a lily here. We're creaming a ball.

And this is, I think you are paying a premium. I think we are, you're paying a premium for this packaging, which is kind of a gunmetal gray and featuring a silhouette of a muscle man. Like if his balls are fresh. Yeah, you know muscle man's balls be fresh. That's how ladies cat call. Yeah, hey muscle man. Are those balls fresh? Are those balls fresh, muscle man?

You know it, ladies. Meet me in the sex prep area. You got them fresh balls. I'm going to be prepping for sex. I'll see you guys later. So you bought it. So I bought this cream, and I've been applying it, you know, semi-regularly. This is part of my daily routine, as I would a gold bond.

I think on this show I've also expressed affinity for an anti-monkey butt powder. This is a more whimsical item that features a cartoon ape with a bulbous red ass. It seems like a Mario Kart power-up. Yeah. Yes, it does. Blue shells, super cheap. Monkey butt powder can turn the tides of any race. So I have really been enjoying Fresh Balls.

I mean, I do enjoy Gold Bun and I do enjoy anti-monkey butt powder. But Fresh Balls definitely has a – it has a kind of a menthol-y feeling. Oh, nice. It's kind of lovely. So I just want to go ahead and express some fondness for Fresh Balls here on the program and also just to reach out to them, maybe just to their social media people. Do you advertise? We like to run ads on this show from time to time and I feel strongly about the product and I feel like I can endorse it. So if anyone at Fresh Balls is listening out there, let us know. We've got competitive pricing here for ads on this

program and I think you'll be reaching an audience that is not only savvy but active on social media. You'll be reaching around. You'll be reaching around for our two-for-one balls deal. Jen, do we have another call sitting in there? Hello. I am calling from Brooklyn with a story that my boyfriend and I went and camped illegally at the shores of Montauk, built a fire, had some peach moonshine. At sunrise, we packed up, headed out, then picked a random spot on a satellite image to go hiking away from everybody.

random spot on a satellite image to go hiking away from everybody. So as we trudged through the wooded area next to the ocean, getting bitten up by bugs, we came upon a lagoon with a nice sandy bank. So we decided to lay on our blanket and then proceed to have anal sex. When that was finished, we went into the lagoon, splashed around for a while, and put our clothes back on. And when we hiked out and got in our car to leave, we came across a scenic overlook. We stopped.

We read the informational signage that told us that the lagoon was treacherous with quicksand. What a way to go. Love the show. You know, it's easy to get. Also, last day of summer, September 22nd. Hey. You know, it's easy to get cynical in this modern age about, you know, relationships. You know, what is love?

Is it just this social construct? Is it something that's fed to us by greeting card companies and pop songs? Is it just this outmoded idea that we use to justify our base urges? I think it's easy to think that sometimes. But, you know, Jordan, you know the answer now. Yeah. Love is real. It's Amlesex by L.A. Yeah. Love is real.

You can find it on your GPS. Just go to a random marker have to have a mouthful of peach moonshine and do some butt stuff near some quicksand that is beautiful that was and it was delivered in such a a gloriously boring monotone i will be honest i zoned out until she said anal sex. I was taking a snooze. Yeah. And I woke up to fucking file a lagoon. At that point, the quicksand was just passe. Like, yes, yes. I was in a quicksand lagoon. I was thinking about how I could get more corn brights without disrupting the flow of the show too much.

And then that little detail came in and really, I don't know, really fucked that story in the ass. It seemed like one of those listening tests that you would do in maybe junior high. Oh, yeah. Where you'd see your buddy has written something and there's a detail in it. Are you listening well enough to pick up the detail? Sure. One of these things is not like the other. Good for them keeping their relationship spicy.

Yeah, absolutely. I think that's something we can all learn. I mean, in this, you know, workaday world, you know, rush, rush, rush. And you don't have time to, you know, make your special someone feel special. Yeah, keep it like a spicy garbanzo. Do we feel like the anal part was planned? Because do we feel like the anal part was planned? Because do we feel like the anal part was a surprise? It's never planned.

I'm going to maybe disagree with you guys here. I mean, I don't know how closely you listen to the program, but a couple of weeks ago, we had on the lovely Coco, who works at the Pleasure Chest here in West Hollywood. Oh, I thought you meant wife of Ice-T. Oh, God. here in West Hollywood. Oh, I thought you meant wife of Ice-T. Oh, God.

If anyone has a line to Ice-T's wife, Coco, we would love to have her on the show. But no, this is a nice educator who works at the Pleasure Chest. And I think if I took anything away from her talk that she gave us, which was all about Anal August, the holiday that they created to sell butt plugs, is that good anal sex requires a lot of preparation and education.

And it's something that, excuse the coarse nature of this remark, but it's something you ease into. So I would hope that these people being, you know, responsible, sex positive people did do a little bit of preparation. Yeah, it sounds like it. It just sounds like they maybe got to the lake and they wanted to do something different when they got to that special GPS location. Sure. They fought through the ants and the bugs.

Yeah. Like, what can we do to make this special? They didn't know that quicksand was going to happen. So it could have turned into a boring event. Sure. Because that story was pretty much about anal sex and quicksand. Those were the highlights. Yeah. Where's that Indiana Jones movie, by the way?

Indiana Jones and the anal quicksand. With Sheila Booth. If God willing. We'll be right back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emmy Blotnick, corn bright scholar. Joseph Scrimshaw, Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morse, Boy Detective. Emmy Blotnick, Corn Bright Scholar. Joseph Scrimshaw, Cream Baller.

I will say that we have been, as a group, not only going to town on this podcast, but going to town on this bag of Corn Brights. These are the winners. Yeah, these are great. I think we have not touched the Pepitos. Am I getting the name of that right? Pepitos? Pepitos, the brand. They're called Garbanzo Con Chile.

Yeah. We have not been touching the Garbanzos. They're little spice rocks. Emmy, you gasped. Was there something about the label that... In the corner, it says Chappie's brand. So my world has been thrown into chaos. Sure, yeah.

Where do we go from here? I think is the big question. So yeah, I think we all heartily endorse these corn – We endorse them. We endorse these boys. We endorse these guys. Hey, it's me, Dumbledore. Brooklyn Dumbledore.

I'm a wizard. I'm flying here. On my broom. Let's go pay for some sex. So yeah, corn brights. On my broom. Let's go pay for some sex. So yeah, corn brights.

If you can find them at your local snackery, definitely pick up a bag. Yeah, they kind of make you feel like you're high. Yeah, I think I am getting a little bit of a buzz. Like a little sugar float. Sure. Indeed. Well, we are coming to the end of our program. You've both been delightful guests.

It's been lovely. Joseph, if people out there are listening, is there anything regarding you that they should make sure to check out after this podcast? You can find me on all the social medias at Joseph Scrimshaw. And I also have a podcast called Obsessed that's on Feral Audio. Oh, terrific. Yeah. Any live dates either around town or elsewhere in the country? Yeah.

I have a show that I do every month called Comedy Dream Time where I ask people if there's like a role that they wanted to play, like a dream role, and then I write a sketch for them. So this coming Saturday, I don't know when the podcast is being released, but soon, Mike, right? Yeah, this will be on Monday. So yeah, people probably could make it to that show next Saturday. Yeah. Yeah. So the next Saturday, it's Dana Snyder from Aqua Dean Hunger Force. Hey, terrific. A beloved Jordan Jesse Go guest.

Awesome. Nice. Emmy, is there anything people should look out in regards to you? I guess also the social media things.

I'm at Emmy Blotnick on Twitter and my website cornbrights.net. Just cornbrite fan, fan art. It's mostly just two-bit gifs of spinning cornbrights.net just cornbrite fan fan art it's mostly just

two bit gifs spinning cornbrights that's no I I'm trying to think of it I'll be at UCB October 8th

there's that hey there nice there you go is that kind of soon let's oh yeah I think that's soon enough

soon enough for people to mark their calendars right on buy a ticket in advance yeah and get over there to the show. Well, guys, thank you so much for being on the program.

Jesse Thorne will, in theory, be back next week for another canonical program. For everybody here, I've been Jordan Morris. Bye. Bye. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.