Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 398: Amateur Stepdad with Elizabeth Gilbert

Episode Date: October 12, 2015

Bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion about being friends with Oprah, speaking to indifferent audiences, and the idea that dogs are having a cultural moment. ��Plus, Jordan tells us about the scrolling search terms on PornMD.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How you doing, friend? I'm doing really nice, thank you. I am not happy with how that came out of my mouth. Yeah?

I am of the opinion that it sounded like I was sarcastically asking you that question. Didn't take it like that. I did not take it like that. I'm worried that the audience would take it that way. Because I was since

I actually did want to know how you were doing. But I think what the audience... And I genuinely told you that I was doing, what did I say? Good, great, something like that.

I don't know. I wasn't paying attention. Sure. Well, I think we've solved the mystery of whether or not you were being sincere. Okay. I'm going to try again in a more sincere voice because I think it's a problem I have. Sometimes people think I sound insincere. So I'm going to try it again.

I'm sincerely interested in how you do it. Okay? It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you, Jordan? I'm doing good. I just got a thruppence.

Sure. And I'm going to give it to the boot black. All right, all right. I will not. If you want to do a Cockney accent, I will also pretend to be in foggy London town, but I'm not going to affect my voice at all. I'll just say English stuff. Well, what type of Englishman are you? Are you a fancy Englishman or a Cockney like meself?

I consider myself just a man of the crown. Oh, really? I'm not from one. A man of the crown. Yeah, a man of the crown. Oh, really? I'm not from one. A man of the crown. Yeah, a man of the crown. A crownsman? Yeah. Well, a queensman.

Oh, got it. Okay. That's the crown I'm talking about. Sure. Not about the king's crown, but the queen's. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's gorgeous. Ooh la la.

Ooh la la. So, yeah. So, I mean, I'm just going to keep my voice the same. But if you want to, you know, do a little imagination play like we're in England, I can go with that. But I'm just not going to do a different voice. Okay. This is what's throwing me right now. I was in Disneyland a couple of days ago. And I met what I think was Mary Poppins and her chimney sweep friend Dick Van Dyke.

Yeah. Bert, I think, is the character's name. Thank you. Thank you very much. I spent four days trying to remember what Dick Van Dyke was called and Mary Poppins had failed. It's a jolly holiday with you, Bert. That's how you remember. You sing the song.

You really, you have a beautiful voice. Thank you. And people say that my Cockney accent is great. Well, I mean, it's more of a Queenswoman's accent. Sure, yeah. Because there you were singing Mary Poppins' part. But I think, you know, you could play pretty much anything that Julie Andrews has done. Sure.

And high school, too. I can also play high school. I know. I know. You did, you were in that live sound of music right yeah at the hollywood bowl oh i bet it was on abc oh yeah yes that's true i'm carrie underwood yeah is that it was in that sure why not michelle williams i'm not 100% sure who that is. Anyways, however, whatever way you slice it, 50-year-old gay guys love me. Yeah. I...

So I... You know, they have the characters, or as my son calls them, correctors. Completely insistent on calling them correctors. Sure. We don't want to correct him, because that would be mean. But for a while, we would

say characters the proper way whenever he would say characters. And then he never changed, and it's really fun. Yeah. And we figure it's not going to have serious consequences until at least kindergarten. Yeah. Okay. So we met Mary Poppins and Bert. But Bert was...

So, number one, it's a little weird because these are characters with real faces. Mm-hmm. So it's like... No, so was that wearing a Julie Andrews felt head? Yeah. But I mean, like... And just gesturing really broadly. What's weird about it is, like is Dick Van Dyke is very particular. Sure.

I mean, he really looks like Dick Van Dyke. He's a major celebrity. And Julie Andrews, there's more stuff in a Mary Poppins outfit. But I guess with the Burt character, you have the advantage of soot. Yeah. So any part of your body that doesn't look like Dick Van Dyke's, you just put soot on. That's why I have soot all over my penis. Because I just don't want anyone to be disappointed that it's dissimilar from Dick Van Dyke's.

Did that information come out in some sort of trial, Jordan? Yeah. So here's the thing. So, okay. So that's the number one issue. Like if it's Winnie the Pooh, they're wearing that big head, you know? Sure. Or if it's one of the princesses from whatever, if it's Cinderella, it's a real woman, but she's supposed to look like a cartoon lady.

Sure. So you can't just be, they're incomparable enough that you don't have to do that much to make them look right. Yeah. So that's why I'm not sure that it was Mary Poppins and Bert. And it's also why it could have just been some people there for, you know, one of those special days like Bat Day or whatever. Oh, yeah. You think it could have just been some steampunk people. Yeah.

But then, okay. So then the other thing is. You know, Jesse. Yeah. I don't. Boy, this is a big lesson. Right. And this is, oh, Jesse. Yeah. I don't play. This is a big lesson. Right. And this is, oh, boy.

It's always tough to tell a child. But, well, I mean, Mary Poppins and Bert can't be everywhere at once. So I think who you met were some of their helpers. They got helpers? Yeah. I mean, they have a lot to do uh you know they have to go into cartoon worlds and um uh feed the birds and uh you know deal with yeah tuppence and deal with women's suffrage and they got to address those penguins yeah yeah um well they do that in the cartoon world i was

they got to deal with uh bedknobs and broomsticks. Yeah, sure. The Incredible Mr. Limpet as well. Condor Man. Yeah. So, yeah, I think who you met, it was two of their representatives. Is it possible that it was Condor Man? I mean, I don't know who you met.

Could have been Condor Man. Could it have been Captain America from the 70s Captain America? Unlikely, but I mean it could have been. So here's – OK. So here was my concern because Disneyland is all about verisimilitude. Sure. Not authenticity. It's all about the progression of the simulacrum.

And collecting pins and putting them onto a denim jacket. Right. But verisimilitude, it's just like the whatever. But Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, as we all know, talks with a nearly perfect Cockney accent. Sure. You know, he's known for his voice work. Yeah, yeah. And this guy talked like he was the king of England.

He got the region wrong. Yeah, so he's supposed to be saying, like, he's supposed to be, it's a jolly holiday with Mary. You know how he does in the movie? Yeah. And he was like, it's a jolly holiday with Mary. And it really was disturbing to me. Yeah, I mean, and also. It could have just been some steampunk guys. Sure.

It's hard to say at Disneyland these days who is a licensed character and who is just a weirdo. The main thing to know is none of the licensed characters are the people on Rascals. Okay, yeah. You know, like that's one distance. That takes out 35% of the people at Disneyland. Sure. So if they're on a rascal, they're definitely not a licensed character. Yeah.

I don't know. Let's introduce our guest. I'd love to. Our guest, of course, is the number one New York Times bestselling author of Big Magic, among numerous other books. She's best friends with Oprah. She literally murdered Gail. Wow. Are we going to dig into that?

Is this going to be like serial but for Gail's murder? Yeah. I mean, a lot of people don't even know Gail's dead. Oprah doesn't know yet. Yeah. Wow. Oprah thinks that she and Gail are estranged, and that's why Gail's not returning her text messages. Yeah.

She thinks Gail's in a cabin where she gets bad reception. Liz has spent the last four years scheming on how to become Oprah's best friend, and she finally did it. She finally murdered Gail. Because that was the only thing standing in my way. Well, to be fair, Deepak Chopra is there in the way, too. So you got to get rid of Chopra somehow. And you have to beat Dr. Phil in one of his underground fight clubs. Phil fights dirty, too.

He'll have some sand in his trunk that he'll throw in your eyes. Sure. And he'll just fuck you up with a cutting remark, too. Yeah, sure. Deepak threw marbles on the floor in front of me when i was trying to approach and i tripped and fell and broke my ankle i was foiled oh boy oh man you know if if you know for some reason you ever have to convince oprah that gail is still alive you can you and one of your buddies let's say jonathan silverman

can prop her up on your shoulders and it will be a real weekend at Oprah's. Oh, my God. Our guest, the celebrated author and all-around classy lady, Elizabeth Gilbert. That's classy with a K. And celebrity. Celebrity podcaster as well. Yeah, all that. The host of her own show

produced by MaximumFun.org. I'm under the umbrella of the family. And look, I'm not trying to let out any secrets, but let's just say you might be getting

deeper under the umbrella in a couple of months. That sounds dirty. Yeah. Sounds like something you do with Mary Poppins. You get deeper under the umbrella in a couple of months. That sounds dirty. Yeah. Sounds like something you do with Mary Poppins. You get deeper under the umbrella. You did that at Burning Man, right?

By the way, that was not Mary Poppins. That was just some steampunk guy. Yeah, and it wasn't an umbrella. It was a shed. It was a makeshift shed. Hi, Elizabeth Gilbert. Hi, fellas. And I apologize.

And your apology is accepted. Okay, great. Great to have you here. Thank you for making the time in your busy bestselling author schedule to come visit our terrible show. Because I'm a completist of Jordan Jessigo, as you know. Sure. And also I've been trying to figure out for years. You've even got those B-sides we did that only came out in Japan. I even listen to the ones where we can't hear you.

It's fun. You just get to like – you get to imagine what I would have said. Exactly. So I believe it was me who approached you recently and said – You? OK. Did you really mean it when you said you were keeping that chair warm for me? No. See, no, you're really twisting the definition of you approaching me because you approaching me to verify that I wasn't bullshitting you when I approached you does not count as you approaching me.

However, we're grateful to have you here. So happy to be here. Elizabeth Gilbert. How's Oprah doing? She's good. You sounded very sincere when you said that. I am really upset because here's the thing. So I was in Scandinavia recently in northern Europe.

Is Denmark – that's something I've not been able to confirm, whether Denmark is part of Scandinavia. Yes. So every time it is. It's part of Scandahovia. Okay. So when I was up in Scandahoops, Elizabeth was in town briefly on the Oprah Roadshow. The Oprah Roadshow is something where she, Deepak Chopra, Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil wasn't there.

Greg Barron, our friend Greg Barron. There's a Dr. Phil hologram that performs like Tupac at Coachella. Greg Barron. There's a Dr. Phil hologram that performs like Tupac at Coachella. Gail and Oprah go travel from stadium to stadium inspiring people to be their best

selves. All that's true except for Greg Barron's not there anymore. But they really do go from arena to arena. That was last year. This year was just the one arena. And it was from like arena to arena. Well, that was last year. This year was just the one arena. And it was more like the UCLA theater.

So I really. The arena. Yeah, that's the arena of college theaters. That's what it's known as. I mean, when they talk generally about the arena. Liz emailed me and said, I'm going to be in town, but only very briefly. Do you want to come to this thing I'm doing with Oprah? And the answer to that question, of course, the only

acceptable answer is, yes, of course I want to go to the thing you're doing with Oprah. That sounds like the greatest thing ever. But I was in Scandinavia, so I couldn't go to the Oprah thing, and now I will never be friends with Oprah.

Oh, that's not true. Really? You think I still got it in my future? I think so. You just have to murder Liz. Because, you know, it's like taxi medallions with your friends. There's only, you know, so. I was going to say it's like the Tim Allen movie, The Santa Claus.

Somebody's going to have to go. Did he murder Santa Claus? Yeah, he murdered Santa Claus in a coke-fueled rage. Is that really what happened? I think he accidentally killed Santa Claus. It's been a while since I've seen the Santa Claus. No, I'll fall on my sword so that you can be friends with Oprah next. What happens at an Oprah, at one of these Oprah extravaganzas?

I'm really interested in this because I think – now, I will establish a baseline. Obviously, I'm not in Oprah's core demo. To the extent that Oprah has a core demo. I mean, Oprah is one of the most popular entertainers in the entire world. Her core demo is the world. Obviously, like, I'm not a – I don't watch Oprah all the time or whatever. But I think any asshole can see that Oprah is like one of the greatest people at her job of any person in any – certainly any public figure ever.

Yes. Like she's unbelievable at being Oprah. So what – like – so you – I guess you got involved in this Oprah world when your bestselling book,, Pray, Love, probably was selling a quadrillion copies. But, like, what is it like to be in the traveling Oprah circus? Like, what happens? I'll tell you the truth. It's so mellow because everybody who works with her – this isn't making for good comedy. But since you asked –

But I'm genuinely interested. I will genuinely tell you. If things get a little too snoozy, I'll just make a fart sound. Okay. That's what Oprah does. Sharon, I think you better get out the air horn just in case. Oh, yeah. I got it.

No, that's just something fucking rad happens. I don't know her. I mean I – Sure, sure. You know, we're – You're colleagues. When she calls me and asks me to do something, I got it. No, that's when something fucking rad happens. I don't know her. Sure, sure. We're colleagues. When she calls me and asks me to do something, I say yes and I show up and I do the very best I can. And she's always very, very genial to me and very kind to me. But I would not presume to say that I know her.

Although I've certainly killed enough people to get there. The trail of bodies. I mean, given the basket of heads that you delivered to her last time you saw her, you should be friends by now. That was a big enough basket of heads to make friends with anybody. But the people who work for her I know, and they're the single most professional people I've ever met, and they are very deeply good, and they believe in her completely, and they would all take a bullet for her from the guy who runs the elevator to the people who organize the car services to the producers. Yeah, because it's all so well organized.

There's no drama. There's no – like you don't have a job working for Oprah Winfrey if you can't do your job well and in a very friendly manner and very politely. You will not be there for very long. So all you have to do is be able to work 16-hour days cheerfully and paying attention to everybody and being polite and kind and gracious to everybody. That's the – so I have to figure that's what she's like because it reflects like it's a top-down thing, right?

The whole company looks like the person who's at the top of the company. I can't imagine that it's Jill. I'm pretty sure they're all on crank. They're all spun. Well, crank. They're all spun. Well, yeah. They're all spun, and that's what's going on. What's the food like? The food is very nice.

I would imagine. And the gift bags are very nice. What do you got? I'm going to say chicken tikka masala. That's in the gift bag. What do you got, a sog veneer? I'm trying to think if there's a genuinely funny story that I can tell you about it. Because I feel like I should... You could just tell us a

revelatory story, too. Like, I'm sincerely... Yeah, this is something we will never do in our lives. Can I tell you my revelatory story with her where I got to see how she's Oprah Winfrey and nobody else is? Right. Okay, so I was at the stadium tour in Newark, New Jersey last year.

And so somebody came up to me in the audience and said, I'm here with Make-A-Wish Foundation. And there's somebody, there's a young girl. She's 14 years old. And her wish was to come and see this Oprah Winfrey show. So you already know some very bad thing is happening to that girl. And her family was there and she was in the front row. And so I talked to her for a little while and then went my own way. And then Oprah has given her thing. And then she pauses to say, we have somebody very special in the audience today that I want to introduce you all to. And so

she gives this completely friendly, warm, respectful, without mentioning this girl's disease or condition or what the problem is. She's here with her parents and she's a wonderful young woman. And so she says, please stand up. And so she stands up and then, you know, the lights go on her and everybody cheers. And then that's great, right? Like anybody could do that or would do that. The next part is why she's Oprah Winfrey. The next thing she did is she said, and I would like to introduce you to, I'll just throw her name because I can't remember her name, Natalie's little sister, who's also here and who I got to meet backstage, and is such a fascinating young woman. She loves piano and she's into sports and she just noticed that the younger sister has

been the younger sister of the girl who's dying probably her whole life. And can we put the spotlight on Natalie? And just, she does terrific things in school and she's on the, and just that was the moment where I was like, that's the 360 degree vision that she has that nobody else has. Yeah, like, that's what separates her

from Wendy Williams. That and only that. Sure, yeah. So that was my, I mean, I've always been impressed, but that was my moment. I thought, oh, that's the been impressed, but that was my moment. I thought, oh, that's the thing. Yeah, that's totally amazing. It's so beautiful.

And of course everybody's sobbing. But it was great. She just recognized the person who wasn't seen. What was it like to meet Wendy Williams? Inspiring. Intimidating. She's ferocious. I feel like I'm a better person for it I wouldn't want to do it again

right yeah that's just it's like a little bit like how people feel when they get out of the army I think I grew up a lot or like you know going deep in a shack at Burning Man that's also I did it

so that's it how does one because it seems like the the the purpose of these things is to to inspire to be inspirational is it tough when the place is that fucking huge to like here i'm gonna give you something that'll touch you personally also a million others who are also here right And everybody on the televised audience when we make the TV special. Yeah, yeah, sure. It's the hardest speaking gig that I've ever had. I believe it. And here's why.

It's because those people come there with the most purely undefended hearts. And because she has taught them that they can trust her. And so they come and they just hand you a completely undefended human heart with like this open, like, okay, here. And you have to eat it. Here. And you have to eat it in front of them or else you don't get to be the Dothraki queen. And so there's no cynicism. There's no reserve.

They just want, they just came because they want some information that will make their lives better. And that's a huge amount of responsibility. And she's sitting in the front row watching like, hey, I trusted you with my audience who trust me with their lives. What do you have for them? Did you open with some like local jokes? That's what I would do, local references. I was coming here on the 7-10. I just didn't prepare. Yeah.

7-10! I like to start with, like, Webster's defines inspiration. Right. Yeah. Imagine. Whole audience. And then I'd say, well, I was sitting on the plane thinking about what I would say today, which is another one of my

favorite ways to start a speech. I feel like that's always really effective. Can't believe I'm here. Yeah, it's intimidating, but an honor. I mean, I'm sure pretty different than doing a independent bookstore or something too. I imagine that's a whole different ballgame. Independent bookstores is a different thing.

And like a TED Talk is a different thing because there you're dealing with the opposite, which is people who are very brainy and they will not let you know that, like they sit there with their arms folded. Oh, interesting. Their Blackberry is kind of waiting. I didn't even think about that. Waiting to be impressed.

That is scary and hard. When I was in Scandinavia, I was doing talks at radio conferences and I did the first one. You did a Fjorn talk. Yeah. That's what I think people are named in Scandinavia, Fjorn. Is that Scando Ted? Yeah, that's as common as Ted. Fjorn.

It's T-J-O-R-N. Like legendary tennis. Fjorn Tjorg. Fjorn Tjorg. Yeah, Fjorn Tjorg. He gives a Fjorn Chalk. And underwear manufacturer. Sure.

Chornchork. He gives a chornchok. And underwear manufacturer. Sure. So I did a talk in front of this big auditorium full of Swedish people. I have never been more convinced that a group of people hated me than when I was giving this talk and when I walked off stage. I was like, Jesus Christ. Like, I literally flew 8,000 miles to make this speech. And I basically, best case scenario, didn't enter their minds.

Worst case scenario was a significant annoyance to them. Oh, no. You just weren't doing enough local jokes. Then, like, three... I know, God, I should... Who likes dried fish? Well, I had this idea... Whoa! This guy gets us! I do!

I had this idea that I was going to tell... When I got to Copenhagen, I would tell the story of how I met the greatest Danish celebrity of all time, Lee Oscar, the harmonica player for war. Which I did once, but I couldn't fit it in. But anyway, I got on stage, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, that was a huge disaster.

And I went and ate dinner by myself in Stockholm. And then while I was eating dinner, I remembered back to the first time I went to Public Radio International, which is in Minneapolis. And I had had the same feeling the first time I went to Public Radio International, which is in Minneapolis. And I had had the same feeling the first time I went there. They were my distributor at the time. So they were like, you know, we were business partners. But I was like, Jesus Christ, I think all of these people hate me. Like, what's going on? And then I was like, oh, right. Like, I'm in Scandinavia. These people, just their culture is not to react to anything under any circumstances.

Like it's an entire nation of impassive nodders. Sure. Well, if you attract too much attention to yourself, you will draw the fury of the trolls who live under all of their bridges. So you just need to remain. A troll's vision is a lot like that of a T-Rex. It's movement based. And a troll's vision is a lot like that of a T-Rex. It's movement-based.

But, like, I feel like there is nothing more terrifying than speaking to an audience. I think it's in some ways more terrifying to speak to a kind of impassive audience than a hostile audience. Because at least if there's a hostile audience, you can call it out. And there's energy there. Yeah. There's something. You can, like, get into a tête-à-tête with it. Yeah. energy there.

Yeah. There's something. You can like get into a tête-à-tête with it. Yeah. But yeah, like when you're like staring out at just people who are just like, yeah, I don't know. I saw Bill Gates earlier. It's like that the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

And the terrible indifference of – those are my people, the Scandahoovians. My grandfather, Carl Olsen, was a Swede who hated Norwegians and Danes and Finlanders a lot. A Minnesota Swede. Can you explain that prejudice? I mean, obviously, you know, you're a noted racist yourself. Can I? Well, I certainly can. Well, let's see.

The Finns are fat and stupid. There's a ridge on their skull that causes them to be deceptive. It's see. The Finns are fat and stupid. There's a ridge on their skull that causes them to be deceptive. It's genetic. Oh, my God. The deceptive Finn ridge. But do you know what – like what did he – I'm always so fascinated in those regional spats that people get in. Of small differences. Yeah, sure. Like only a mother's eye could tell the difference between these people no one else in the world cares, but they care deeply because the important thing is only that you are not a Norwegian. Yeah.

Everyone seemed to like have this sort of pity for the Norwegians. Like they were like these sad, left out weirdos of Scandinavia. And it's like, hey, you guys know they're the richest country in Scandinavia, right? And also they were like the chillest ones that I talked to. Yeah. So my grandfather was once traveling for business in Minnesota and he stopped at a motel to check in. And the guy at the desk said – made the mistake of saying to him, oh, are you Norwegian? Oh, man.

And my grandfather said, no, I'm Swedish. Why do you ask? And he said, well, we have a conference here of Norwegians and you look like them. And my grandfather said, I've been sick. I guess Norwegians are also sickly. I was walking down the street. Well, they don't have the vibrant color of the Swedes. The robust, high color of the Swedes.

I was walking down the street and down the other end, coming toward me was a group of Hasidic Jews. And as I got past them, one grabbed me on the shoulder and spun me around in a really way that was more powerful than I would have expected a Jew to be. Oh, my God. No, it was jarring. Right. And he just looks me in the eyes and says, excuse me, are you Jewish? And I said, and here's, I responded in a bad way because I go, I went, no. I was not laughing at the fact that someone would be Jewish.

Right. I think it would be cool. It's just an odd question to be asked in the street. Right. It was an odd question to be asked by a, you know, without a hello. By a chassid who had just grabbed your shoulder. Sure. And so I thought it came off as Jewish.

Do they still make those? You know, like it seemed like, you know. Nobody's really that. Yeah. It's like someone's like, oh, if you're, you know, somebody's mom asked you if you watch the Big Bang Theory. Right. No, come on. I feel like that oh, if you're, you know, somebody's mom asked you if you watch the Big Bang Theory. Right. No, come on.

I feel like that was my reaction to it. To be fair, we do watch it. Why? Just for John Ross Bowie. Sure, yeah. We all watch it. Yeah, we see if that, we go on the, we go on IMDb, see if it's guest starring John Ross Bowie. Yeah.

I saw the same thing happen in New York City the other day on 15th Street. And some young Hasidicish guys were grabbing people off the street which sounds violent yeah yeah throwing them in cars and like a 70s cop show like putting your hands behind your back and slamming your face on the hood and saying excuse me are you jewish and then i walked toward them and i made very deliberate eye contact because i wanted them to ask me and they yeah they looked at me and they looked away and I was like, hey, what do you, what do you mean, couldn't I be? Yeah. Like, what, like you might, who, how do you know?

Like, what if my, what if my dad is Swedish and my mom's Jewish? That makes me Jewish. It's matrilineal. But no. I said, I just said, I would, no. And then he says, okay, have a great day then. And then they just walked off. Wow.

I, God, I wish I said yes. I wasn't doing anything. I could have just did whatever it was they were doing. Yeah. I should have gone with it. Wow. Anyway. Yeah, that sounds good.

It's like you broke the improv rule. Yeah. No. I said no. Exactly. And nothing happened. Yeah. Del Close would be very angry with me.

This might be a normal Los Angeles thing because, I mean, you remember years ago in Koreatown when that man stopped his car in the middle of the road, rolled down the window, put his head out, and yelled at me, you Russian? Yeah. I think they could be. I thought you were going to say, you Korean. That I don't think. Yes, sir. I'm baseball star Heesop Choi. It's matrilineal.

Yeah, right. Exactly. Korean-ness. To be fair, you do kind of smell like kimchi. That's true. Most of the, you have a waft. That's true. Yeah, I know. I think we, God, this will sound so ignorant. I guess we were close to a Jewish holiday, one of them. Right, yeah.

Maybe they were grabbing non-observant Jews off the street. And observing them. Yeah, and then just helping them to observe. Putting them under observation. Yeah, or Jewish Fight Club, one of the two. I think it's pretty clear that whatever I was being roped into was some kind of Fight Club. Sure, yeah. Like, if it wasn't a sanctioned fight club with rules and

whatnot, it was some kind of ethnic street gang. Either way, you would be shirtless in a basement. Right, exactly. But the guy was Chechen, looking for revenge killing. Oh, yeah. So I might have dodged a bullet, literally. Or an improvised explosive device. You end up shirtless in a basement in that story, too. Sure, yeah.

Could my guy have just been a Palestinian in disguise? That's a very good disguise. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I can explain it, Jordan. Yeah. You know what? Here's a possible explanation.

We live in a land of mysteries. Sure. Unsolved mysteries. Los Angeles is a city reluctant to reveal itself. Sure. You know, you have to. You know what? We should ask Pulitzer Prize winning food columnist Jonathan Gold.

He's the only man who knows the answer. Sure. He's the man who knows the secrets of Los Angeles. He would probably just say, go for some soup dumplings. Yeah. Too bad Huell Hauser's dead. We could have asked him. Yeah.

Yeah. Well. soup dumplings. Yeah, too bad Huell Hauser's dead. We could have asked him. I guess the moral of the story is if someone asks you if you are a religion or an ethnicity, say yes and go with it. Something might happen.

What if there were expectations associated though? Oh, yeah. Would they want to see my dong? What if they wanted you to sit shiva or something? And you didn't know the prayers. I wouldn't do it at a military checkpoint. Yeah, okay. That's fair.

You should probably just be honest. It feels like the stakes would be very high there. Yeah, yeah. I know people who can. I want to see what happens if I say I'm Muslim. And I usually have a baloot of heroin up my ass too, so that's. I know people who have been roped into, who have been, had attempts made to rope them into sitting Shiva because you have to maintain a quorum. Sure.

And if somebody has to go to work or to the bathroom or whatever, sometimes they'll just run out and grab the first Jew they can find and say, could you mind taking 10 minutes here to sit Shiva while Frank goes to the bathroom? I could have done that i could have sat in front of a body and had a little rugelach but i mean yeah they're not like a rugelach yeah is that what it's called i don't know i just prefer the image of you sitting in front of a casket with a big bowl of arugula. Arugula is a nice peppery green. It's nice. It's the California way to say it. It's bitter, yeah. It's a healthier alternative. Okay.

Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, We talk about zombies and preparedness. What are you going to wear when it's the apocalypse? And you have no idea if you don't listen to our show. It comes out every Wednesdays on MaximumFun.org and on iTunes. Sometimes we try weird foods or we talk about where to camp or how to avoid getting eaten or any of these things. Yeah, so listen to us because it might just save your life. We'll see you in the bunker. Bye. Bye. Bye.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Liz Gilbert, corrector witness. Yeah. Cool. Made that one up at the beginning of the show. Been saving that.

That's good. I had that in the chamber. At some point I feel like I have to decide whether I'm going to have the talk with him. I think every parent has to have the talk with their child. He knows where babies come from because you guys watch so much pornography. Yeah, right. Which is all about showing babies the importance. What kind of porn do you watch?

All of mine. It starts with a couple. And they sit down and they say, I think we're in a good place financially. Yeah, first they go over their finances. Yeah. And, you know, and this is, I mean, this is all part of it. They look at the school system. It's called the tease system it's called the tease portion right and yeah and they you know make sure they're in a good it's not here's the thing so you're a woman liz women's vaginas are are naturally moist more than men's vaginas yeah a man's vagina is angry i'll give you that. A man has to watch a little bit of financial and school district discussion in order to become tumescent that he might successfully achieve intercourse.

Oh, that's so good to know because famously women are ready for intercourse at every moment. Exactly. Right. That's what I'm saying. So like for a man, like probably your husband has to excuse himself to the bathroom or whatever to look over some books. Well, he needs to relax first. Yeah, exactly. He can't just shift gears like that.

Right, precisely. So, yeah. So, you know, you and then they and sorry, I'm this is this is really filthy. I'm describing pornography on the show. I know that's right. This is usually usually what we do. For all of Liz's fans who might be tuning in for the first time, we don't usually describe

such filth. Right. Usually our show, I mean, we do a lot of, like, surprising animal friends. You know, just... Quizzes about which Disney princess you are. Yeah, children's geography lessons. I think geography is really important for kids.

A lot of people leave that out when they talk about STEM subjects. But I think geography is really central to that. Stegum. It's a real science. I call it stegum. And, yeah, I mean, I think that's why we're falling behind the chinese and more than just ping pong where's china yeah exactly see exactly geography you probably went to american schools yeah see yeah i don't even know what you're talking about sorry jordan so

you were saying about how you so afterwards and that's right no this is this is kind of titillating right so you know you guys want to pause it for a second and light some candles and bring a loved one around while I describe this porno I saw. Right. A series of pornos. You know, after they discuss the fact that they're ready financially. Yep. You know, they're in a good school zone. Wow.

They've got a spare room that they can turn into a nursery. She was using it as a gym, but I think they can turn it into a nursery. Spare room. They can turn it into a nursery. She was using it as a gym, but I think they can turn it into a nursery. Yeah. I mean, she'll – but if I have to sell the elliptical. But then she'll just get a gym membership.

But so they turn the – Oh, she's going to – Yeah. So she's going to get it. Join like a 24-hour fitness. Yeah, or a crunch. But not the YMCA? Well, I mean, you could. They have free child care.

Yeah, but the parking's a little tougher around there. That really gets me. Parking's a little tougher around there. The child care. It's nice. They validate a crunch. So, I mean, it's. Yeah, but the parking's a little tough around there. It really gets me. The parking's a little tough around there. The child care. It's nice. They validate a crunch. So, I mean, it's a toss-up. I can't get off unless you talk about the environmental impact of having kids, and they discuss that.

Oh, they definitely do. Like whether it's ethical to even bring a child into it. Guys, sorry. I mean, I don't want to complete everyone right now, but they decided to use cloth diapers. Oh. I'm good over here. G to G to F. There is a fascinating internet thing that it relates to pornography.

Because it's an internet thing. Because it's on the internet, so obviously you're two clicks away from a gaping anus. There's a – hypnotic. Like, I get ASMR. Is it erotic? No, it's not a lot. So, you know, it'll be these kind of typical you know, porn things. You know, big boobs or, you know, threesome. But then it'll just

say It'll just say Xbox or something really specific like Understanding Therapist. Understanding Therapist is one. And then Teenist Japan. That I think. I fucking lost.

Teeny penis? I don't know. I don't know what Teenist Japan is. How do you spell? T-E-E-N-I-S. It's got to be a teeny weeny weeny. Teeniest? I don't know.

I don't know what teen... And here's the thing is you can click on it and see what you would get. I think it's better to leave it a mystery. I think it's not. You would like to see Tina's Japan. Well, we wouldn't be sitting here speculating about what it was

if you had bothered to find out for us. She's got a point. That's true. Yeah, we could just move on to another segment. Where's your curiosity, my friend?

Yeah. Also, how are you going to find out if maybe that's your thing? I mean, I guess I could go there and search it myself. Elizabeth is an expert on finding your creative passions and self-fulfillment.

And I think she just called your ass out on the carpet, my friend. Yeah, jeez. I guess I've been. It's twice you've said no. You said no to the Hasidic Jewish guys. You said no to teenist Japan. You just got some big magic dropped on you. I'm starting to think you don't want to live a creative life.

That's not. Sounds like you got. I guess not. If you even have any magic, it's probably teenist magic. Oh, man. Guys, I am getting dressed down. Dressed down, one of the things on that scroll.

Dressed down. Two best ones. Snake crawling pussy. And pussy crawling snake. Pussy crawling snake. Snake crawling pussy. And amateur stepdad.

I think amateur stepdad kind of fucking blew me away. I'm like, this is... God, all these stepdads are too polished. Yeah, I want to see it. I don't want to see one of these, you know, surgically enhanced stepdads with their silicone slacks and their makeup. I want to see an amateur, just a real raw stepdad. Look, kids, I'm not going to lie. I've never been a stepdad before.

Dear Penthouse Forum. I like it. It's just a guy who doesn't know how to relate to kids taking them to a water park. So you like Pokemon? You know. What's the matter? You don't like football? What's this teenish Japan?

Can I have one of your cigarettes? What? What do you mean you're nine? You want a taste of beer? Are you sure your mom lets you have ice cream for dinner? Yeah. You don't have to go to school every day, Shirley. Oh, my God.

I suggest if you are having trouble sleeping, just to go to PornMD and look at search terms or something. So when you were talking about PornMD before you said what it was, what I thought it was was a scroll of a doctor's commentary on what the people were doing. Oh, just a guy going, now see, this is not medically advisable. This fold is called the, yeah, I don't know. Sure. I like that he's just deciding advisable or inadvisable.

This is good. This is advisable. or inadvisable. This is good. This is advisable. Inadvisable. Here we've got a really nice shot of the clitoral hood. Lift from the knees, not from the lower back. It's like a dock worker's running commentary. Steve Adore. There's a eugen rep on hand at all times.

What? You were going to say... It's funny that you mentioned stevedores because that's actually what I usually search for on Pornhub. Amateur stevedores. I don't know where this trunk goes. Thank you very much. I search for

only American Union stevedores. Thank you very much. I'm no scab. Sure. I don't care what the Pinkertons have to say about it. By the way, I also search for Pinkerton pornography. Two in the Pinkerton, one in the Stickerton? Okay, we're not going to beat that.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Liz Gilbert, old prospector. Hey, I would like to mention, nice of you to come down from them thar hills I would like to mention

prospecting for comedy I am headed out on tour mine is dry it's sorry you're panning in the wrong place

I am headed out on tour Oprah is an invited guest on my tour we have not confirmed Oprah but if Oprah in fact I'm making the invitation now sure Oprah if you're out there So Oprah is an invited guest on my tour. We have not confirmed Oprah.

But if Oprah, in fact, I'm making the invitation now. Sure. Oprah, if you're out there, just stop by. You're welcome to do a short set on the show. How long a set? It's like five to ten. Okay. We'll give her five to ten before we give her the light.

All right. And it's a two-minute light. I'll pass it on. Okay, great. Oprah, if you want to come, I know that you've, we get all these notes. Oprah sends me a lot of notes. You know how she's so thoughtful with the notes? She sends me all these notes.

She's very nice, stationary, and they always say, when can I come on your marginal public radio show, Bullseye with Jesse Thorne? And I don't know. Like, I'm kind of on a Sally Jesse thing right now. And I don't think I'm ready for Oprah to come on my show. But I'm saying now I'm going on tour. We're doing Los Angeles, Brooklyn, Philadelphia, Boston, and Washington, D.C. I know Oprah spends a lot of time in our nation's capital. I thought you were going to say in Philadelphia.

A lot of time in Boston, in Southie, where she's from. Sure. That's why her name is pronounced Oprah. Yeah. It's actually spelled Oprah, but she can't say the R. And if she wants to come on Bullseye, she's open. We're glad to have her. Even if I have to bump somebody.

And by bump, do you mean kill? Okay, after our earlier discussion. Yeah, absolutely. So I just want to throw that out there, number one. Just so she knows, she can go to bullseyetour.com and find out how to hook up with us. That having been said, you can also buy tickets to come see the shows if you're not Oprah. So the first part of the message was for Oprah. This part is the non-Oprah part.

If you want to buy tickets to see the shows, go to bullsightour.com. We are putting together some really amazing lineups, great comedy and music and interviews on all of these shows. It's going to be a real blast. So, uh, bullsitour.com, uh, all coming up in November, uh, the week, week or so before Thanksgiving. So, um, come out, buy tickets. It's going to be a hoot and a half. Um, I also want to mention that I did load up pornmMD.com, and so far something that I really enjoyed was just the word nacho.

Someone just searched for the word nacho, which is a snack. Yeah. But, I mean, maybe you want to see it in a sexual context. Now, that's fair. Okay. What about this? O backslash apostrophe lovely. What do you think that means?

Maybe he's just trying to search O. Henry. Yeah. It's either the candy bar or a short story that has a surprising twist at the end. Yeah, that's fair. Ironic porn. Right, yeah. Ooh, ironic, yeah. If something momentous...

He blasted the twist. If something momentous happens to you, like, for example, you find some nacho-themed pornography, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Let's see what's momentous this week. Hey, Jordan, Jeffrey, Brian, and Gus. I just witnessed a human, a deuce, walking a large dog, who then in turn had a vision of how I was watching walking a smaller dog.

And it was pretty amazing. Thanks, have a great day. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. So the dog... One dog was pretty amazing. Thanks, have a great day. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. So the dog... One dog was walking the other dog and the guy was walking the dog that was walking the other dog. That's pretty good. I don't know. Moratorium on... saw somebody walking

an animal? I don't know. I mean, if we're going to have a moratorium on anything, it should be, you know, fucking calls. Okay. What did he mean by walking a bigger dog? Oh, maybe that was a filthy... But I would like to see... I would like to see that, too.

I'm not saying that that's not great. Jordan, what's your problem with unlikely animal friends? I mean... Jordan actually wrote me a memo. Jordan circulated... An Oprah-esque memo. An all-staff memo. Yeah.

memo. An Oprah-esque memo. An all-staff memo. Earlier that said please no more goats in trees. He doesn't like goats in trees. And he didn't mean just on our show. From what I understood from the memo, he meant in American

culture. I wanted you guys to give that to trees. Just to let them know if a goat tries to climb up in them, they can say no. Give them the old sh in them, they can say no. Give them the old shaker roof? They can say no. So they should just lay down the law. Yeah.

No means no when it comes to goats getting up on trees. Did you see goats and trees in PornMD? Goats and trees. Here's my thing. That's just somebody who just went to the wrong search engine. Oh, I feel so sorry for them. who just went to the wrong search engine. Oh, I feel so sorry for them.

That seems like that's a lot of porn MD is people who think it's just a general search. Yeah, I mean, honestly, goats is actually a subculture. Sure. They will get something. Yeah, sure, why not? It's gay men who eat cans. Can eat a whole can. We're like bears, but we eat cans.

We have satanic eyes. Yeah, sure. Here's the thing about – I saw a guy walking a blank or a woman walking a blank. Is that it's great. If I saw it, I would think that was cool. I would like that I saw it. If I saw it, I would think that was cool. I would like that I saw it.

I think these people are being purposefully cute so they could be – You don't like that they're being show-offy. I think they want to be local yokels. I think they want to go viral. Right. I think this guy probably has fucking YouTube videos of himself walking this dog, walking this dog. Does he? I bet he does. I don't know if...

Yeah, type it into port empty. And I just... I don't know. I think that it's great, but I think it... Dog walking a dog? Yeah. Oh, man, this is great. Look at this.

All kinds of fucking dogs. Oh, this one is what? Dog walking. Oh, my God. This one is, I swear to God. You're just giving in to, this is what they want. We might as well watch fucking viral wedding proposals. This is.

We might as well watch doctors doing an Uptown Funk parody, but they change it to Pediatric Funk or something like that. One Dog... This is the kind of self-conscious viral bullshit. One Dog is...

Number one, stop being so pretentious and smug, Jordan. Sure, no, you're right. Choose one, one or the other. Just because I'm a man

of the people, just because I have a reputation as being a man of the people, and you, of course, have a reputation as being pretentious and smug and sounding insincere. This is a picture of one dog walking another dog and that dog is walking the first dog. They're reciprocal walking each other.

That's not what – it's fine. It's fine. Let me see this. It's great. But we've heard all of this. We've heard snake. We've heard – That's cute. It's great. But we've heard all of this. We've heard snake. We've heard... That's cute. It's really good. Mush dogs in the park.

Liz Gilbert's the number one best-selling author in America right now, according to the New York Times. That's the newspaper of record. The old grey lady. That means she's sold as many... That's also on PornMD. She's probably sold over five... Over five dozen books this week to make it to number one on the New York Times bestseller list.

Upwards of ten dozen. Yeah. She sold over several books to make it onto the New York Times bestseller list. And you're insulting something that she, an expert who's best friends with Oprah, just confirmed. Can I tell you something I saw today? Please. I was going for a walk in Pasadena. Pasadena, California.

Very, very affluent community. And you saw an unusual little old lady. I saw some pretty heavily watered yards for a state that's supposed to be in a drought. Just saying, Pasadena, one. But two, I saw in this very tony neighborhood a sign crudely written on like a big piece of cardboard. You'd get it staples for your kid's school project stapled to a big, beautiful tree in front of a pretty nice house that said, don't throw dog poop at our house and stop telling our dogs to shut up.

We will call the police. Wow. Wow. And I was about to take a picture of it, but then a guy pulled up in a really, in a beat up car, and I thought, if that is the guy who wrote that and he sees me taking a picture of it, I'm dead. Or worse, what if he's the shit thrower? Jeez. And stop telling our dogs to shut up. I'm glad somebody is doing something about cyberbullying.

Sure, yeah. Do you think the dogs are making noise online? Probably. The dogs are just tweeting too much. Yeah. Oh, boy. Dogs are into Snapchat now. There's a fantastic story behind that sign. On iSpace. He's tweeting too much. Yeah. Oh, boy. Don't turn to Snapchat now. There's a fantastic story behind that sign.

Yeah, absolutely. I want to be that guy's neighbor. Just maybe a movie starring Charlie Day. Yeah, sure. Maybe he can. I would watch that. I think that sounds pretty good. You know what?

I'd watch any fucking movie starring Charlie Day. Remember when he was in that movie Pacific Rim? Sure. And I watched that movie Pacific Rim. It didn't really make sense, although it was a pretty fun movie. But the whole time I'm just thinking, Jesus Christ, let's put Charlie Day in all our movies. I agree. Have a pal around with Ron Perlman.

Remember when he was in that movie that wasn't that good but was a big success about where the three guys, it was him and Jason Bateman. Terrible bosses. Horrible bosses. Yeah, horrible bosses. It's not that great of a movie. He's so funny in that movie. But he's so great and you're just like, why isn't Charlie Day in all of our movies? You just said, you sounded

like him when you said that. It seems like are we having a weird cultural moment around dogs? Is there a lot of dog-related tension in the air these days? It seems like something is happening R.E. dogs, but I can't figure out what it is. What air these days. It seems like something is happening, R.E. dogs, but I can't figure out what it is.

What are you feeling? It seems like dog people are mad, non-dog people are mad, and that this will probably lead to society crumbling. Dog people are mental. Yeah. I mean, I think, here's the thing. Like, obviously, I'm a dog owner.

You're a cat owner. That's why we make such an amusing conversation. Sure, yeah, here's the thing. Like, obviously, I'm a dog owner. You're a cat owner. That's why we make such an amusing. Sure. Yeah. The original odd couple. Yeah. It's like I'm fat. You're thin.

Sure. Yeah. I prefer dogs to cats generally, although I also like cats. But I will openly admit that like a dog enthusiast is a weird fucking thing. And I don't mean like people, like dogs as pets. I get dog as pet, but it seems like,

I don't know. You mean talking about wild dogs? Yeah, I'm talking about coyotes. Coyotes and dingoes. They're still in our babies apparently. Yeah. My son told me, my son got upset about foxes

because he figured out that a fox is like a mean dog and he got freaked out about it. He had this dream that there was foxes living underneath our floor. Sounds pretty adorable. And he told me this morning, he said, Dad, foxes should be nice. Wow, that's for sure. I don't understand why we don't have all animals be nice to us.

Why don't we have that? From the mouths of babes. Wow. You should show him. I said quit being so lazy. Let's write a letter to President Obama. Sure. You should show him that documentary about how it took 30 generations to breed Siberian foxes that were nice.

Yeah. Have you seen that? I have not seen that. I've watched that shit on Netflix. You sit him down and you – I'll watch any goddamn dog documentary on Netflix. You show him you say it's like a nova right we got we got russian scientists working on that son and they got all those boxes in the little in the cages and they're so cute and sweet and they get baby ears the ones for the floppy ears floppy ears and big eyes and

suddenly they're nice and cute yeah um yeah you tell them it's being taken care of i'm not seeing this anyway my point is i'm better than dog owners. Yeah. It seems like – yeah, boy, I don't know what it is. It seems like they're – I don't know. It just seems like there's a lot of dog-related anger. Am I wrong about that? Do you think it has to do with people bringing their dogs on airplanes as a service animal?

Oh, boy. With the dog itself? That's something. As John Hoffman would send in a service animal? I do like it when they wear the little vest though. I like it. It's cute. So the,

like the clear bullshit about what's going on is somehow offset by the fact that they've got a little vest. Don't you feel like I was about to say, don't you feel like you'd be so mad if you were blind and you saw someone walk and then be like, Oh, you wouldn't see him. But I feel, I feel like you'd be mad if you needed a service animal and somebody was

playing that. I feel so, I feel, uh, that's how people who use medical marijuana feel. Yeah. And they see guys blazing up and watching Family Guy. I feel terrible for folks like our friend Jimmy Pardo who are deathly allergic to dogs when there's unnecessary dogs on the airplane.

I feel their pain and I understand that completely. And I know that sometimes dogs poop and pee on airplanes. That can't be convenient. Don't throw it at my house. Yeah. That having been said. Just drop it out of the airplane. I don't know.

Maybe, you know, our friend Graham Clark from Stop Podcasting Yourself, he's allergic to every goddamn thing. Maybe he's allergic to dogs. I'd feel terrible to inconvenience him. But I have to say, there's nothing I love more than seeing a dog on an airplane. I personally love it. I personally like it. That shit's fucking tremendous. What's he doing in there, you know?

Like, he comes out of a bag like somebody's got some luggage. You think it's regular luggage, but then a little dog nose peeks out. It's like, hey, guys. Give him a little drink. Yeah. I just feel like it's like using a handicapped parking spot. Oh, yeah. To go get a coffee.

Oh, sure. Yeah. If you're not handicapped. I hear you. Obviously, you should use it. If you are handicapped. Needless to say, handicapped people, feel free to use those spots. Everybody else, you know, come on.

Yeah, but I do like seeing a dog in an airplane. I like seeing a dog in a handicapped parking spot. I'm sick of dogs using handicapped parking spots. If they have the cone on their head, they can. Because it's harder to drive with one of those on. Let's take our next call here. So, my moment is that I deliver pizza. And I delivered pizza to a plane crash.

Yeah. So, That happened. That was neat. Have a good day. I don't understand. First of all, I don't understand how a guy as eloquent as this one ended up delivering pizza. You think they were ordering it for the dogs who were on the plane? Give them a little pizza?

Pizza delivery can be a really good job. I was talking to a dude who was a pizza delivery guy in like a nice neighborhood and he was making like 30 bucks an hour, most of which was cash. I'm like, shit, that's a solid gig. Jesse, that's what you took away

from that phone call. You don't want to go back to talk about the fucking plane crash? Well, here's the thing about this. We want to talk about how much pizza guys are. I'm assuming everybody was okay because they ordered pizza. You don't order pizza for a corpse. It could have been the security. Unless you're trying to trick Oprah into thinking she's alive.

Yeah. Oh, Gail wants some pizza? She's great on CBS this morning. Yeah. Although she's no Charlie Rose. Maybe if she drank more. I think everybody's good on that. I think everybody's.

She was more of a morning drinker. Okay. So let's talk about the plane crash. He gave us no context on this at all. And again, I think sometimes people, you know, they've taken the original note of keep the calls pithy. And sometimes we are getting these frustrating mystery boxes that we cannot possibly unpack. It's essential when you are keeping it pithy that you deliver the pith. That doesn't simply mean speak briefly.

Well, I feel like we have to dig through this phone call for the black box of information. Why not just make the whole plane out of the pizza? About what actually happened. Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, you see those like, you know, you see like news reports of an accident or, you know, an accident or a crash in a movie. And you always see the survivors. They put the wool blanket around them. They usually have like a, you know, a mug or a water or something.

What if they're like, fuck that, let's give them a slice of za. What if they wrap them in pizza? A trial. No, that would be nice. Like you go to the trauma center, you know, the trauma counselor, and she's like, can I get a double extra large over here? And they just... So like the body is like the cheese in the crust

of a special... Yeah, of a stuffed crust pizza, of a stuffed crust pizza. Of a stuffed crust pizza. Or a calzone. That's the part that I got confused about. I was wondering, is this a calzone? Yeah. The rest of it made perfect sense.

The rest of it was clear as a bell. I think I'm following this. You're a gifted writer, Liz. You don't get to the number one on the New York Times bestseller list. Without selling a few dozen pizzas. Yeah, if your editor's just running through everything with a red pencil writing unk, okay?

It was clear, Isabel, up until the part about the calzone. I couldn't figure out if it was a calzone or a stuffed crust pizza. I hate to keep going back to this thing about people trying to go viral. Right. Do you think this was someone trying to follow a pizza rat with Pizza Plane Crash Victim?

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's possible. And then people could put it online and say, like, I'm Pizza Plane Crash Victim. Pizza Rat really was a hell of a rat. I mean, I think we'll always remember Pizza Rat. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I'm not saying Pizza Rat was bad.

What are you, why are you against, I guess the ultimate question is, why do you think you're too good for pizza? Oh, I mean just because it's a low food Right And it doesn't I mean it rarely contains any truffle Personally Which I need to live

As a member of the literati I need to ingest my weight in truffle every day I bet you there's all kinds of pizzas Within a mile of here F filled with truffles. I probably could. Yeah, yeah. The only thing I've ever eaten besides pizza is beer bread. That's just an FYI.

Sure. But I guess that's the kind of guy I am. I'm just a regular Joe. Yeah. You know, I'm a real lunch pail Frankie. Liz, what do you eat? I eat only truffle and truffle oil. I eat from the five food groups, which is pizza, beer, bread, truffle oil, condiments.

She's like a handful of relish. I'm going to come up with another one. Crunchy food. Anything crunchy that you can put milk in. Cereal. Yeah, yeah, cereal. Remind me, Liz, what were those food groups again? Sure.

That's pizza, beer, bread, truffle oil, condiments, and cereal. Right. Crunchy foods. More crunchy foods. Crunchy foods. But usually cereal, but it can also involve, it can be a handful of something. Yeah, that's the food pyramid. Right. So Liz is doing like a high-low thing.

Sure. That's how you get on Oprah, by the way. Right, yeah. Well, I get the vitamin D from the truffle oil. Yeah. It's just for nutrition. Yeah. You read comics, but you call them graphic novels. Right. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, it's a vitamin D from the truffle oil. Yeah. It's just for nutrition. Yeah. You read comics, but you call them graphic novels.

Right. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, it's a high-low, classic high-low thing. I get that. I got it. Is there, we have any more calls? There's a two-call week this week on Jordan, Jesse, go. If you've got a call, 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN.

You can also email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. I'm biz and I'm Teresa. And we host a comedy podcast about parenting where we remind you that despite what the Internet says, No one really cares what kind of parent you are. One bad mother. We're the friends with kids you want to hang out with. Check us out on iTunes and MaximumFun.org.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Liz Gilbert. I forgot. There's a third one. Wait, I got it. Unnamed source close to the president.

Whenever you see that. That's really good. In the paper, that's me. Wow, really? That's great. I knew you were getting a lot of press. That's why people call you sourcey it doesn't advance my brand

because I'm unnamed but it's my duty it's my patriotic duty so here's I have some things to say about Elizabeth Gilbert here number one Elizabeth was kind enough

to pressure her publisher into hiring MaximumFun.org to produce a podcast surrounding issues related to her book Big Magic. We produced this podcast. I'm very proud of it and I think it is really, really cool and you should go and subscribe to it and check it out. Basically, on the show, Liz talks to somebody who loves her books and whatnot about a challenge that they're facing around their creativity. And not only, like, shares her own wisdom but also consults with people that she admires. There's a list of amazing people that she admires that she consulted with for the show in order to give them really lovely and sincerely inspirational advice. I've been very insincere on this episode. But sincerely inspirational advice. And Liz is as pleasant and funny as she is inspirational on the show.

So you should go and subscribe to that podcast. And in addition, Liz is on book tour. Should we tell them what it's called? No. We'll leave it to you guys. It's on 4NMD. Solve the Miss People Love. It's one of the scrolling terms.

You'll know it when you see it. It's called Nacho. Snake crawls in pussy. Oh, my God. Please can we change the name of the podcast? Publishers. Oh, my God. Seeds control of it.

Well, first things first. Now I have full artistic control over my new hit podcast, Snake Crawls in Pussy. Hello, graphic designer Stephan Lawrence. I'm going to need a new logo. What's your creative problem? Okay, so that's... Not enough snakes in your pussy? That's number one. Just lay down at the bookstore.

Search for Big Magic or Liz Gilbert in your iTunes or whatever you use, and you'll find it there. It's called Magic Lessons. Yeah, exactly. Not Big Magic, but you'll find it there. But you'll find it there. Yeah. And so that's thing number one. Thing number two is Liz's book is super, super awesome.

And for people who are interested in, a lot of times people talk to me about my make your thing type stuff. We have a lot of creative people of various stripes, both professional, semi-professional, and amateur in our audience. I know I've met people at shows and MaxFunCon, and we hear about the kind of stuff you do. It is a really wonderful book about how to get at that stuff and how to unlock it. And Liz is on book tour all the way through the entire month of November. Yeah. So if you live in a town. Or a country.

Or a country, Liz will be there and you should go see Liz speak because as anyone who's ever seen one of the many, if you're one of the literally millions of people who've seen her speak online or on Oprah or whatever, like it's a very inspirational, motivational, and fascinating as well, stimulating thing to see. And she's a nice lady. And you can say some kind of Jordan Jesse Go thing to her and she'll think it's cool. Yeah. Is there a Q&A?

At the events? Yeah. Oh, always. So, yeah. I think just if you're out there, raise your hand and ask Liz what her favorite porn MD search term is. Oh, that would make me so happy. Do it. And just confuse everyone else in the room.

Somebody just raises their hand and says, Liz, is Torsey a horse? That's something for my brother and my brother and me. Liz was kind enough to share farm wisdom on my brother and my brother and me. I have a lot of farm wisdom. Oh, yeah? Yeah, because I grew up on farm. My farm wisdom is all about goats. Is there just one?

I mean, gosh. Yeah. It actually really is. Don't leave your cans unattended. Yeah, exactly. That's number one. Well, I had told them. I first came to know them because I had sent a tweet about farm wisdom saying,

if you feed poison ivy to your goat, you will get immunity to poison ivy if you drink the goat's milk, which turned into this huge bit that I think ended in Griffin saying, if you feed your passport to a goat, you get diplomatic immunity. Like top five of my favorite things anyone's ever said. That's really funny. Thank you to the McElroys, by the way, for hosting our show last week. The funniest guys in the world. The best.

Yeah. And the kindest, hearted, most wonderful dudes ever. But Liz. Yes, honey. ElizabethGilbert.com. LizGilbert.com. Where's the book tour? Doesn't matter.

ElizabethGilbert.com. MagicLessons.org. .ca. It's not Canadian. Magic. I have Cheryl Strayed's phone number.net. It's Elizabeth Gilbert dot com. Yeah.

One true best friend to rule them all. Elizabeth Gilbert. Thank you for coming on our show, Liz. Thank you for taking your day off on your grueling touring schedule to hang out with us dumbos. There is sincerely, to use the word of the show nowhere else I would rather be than right here. If you have something to tell us 206-984-4FUN

is the number to call. If you want to share something about the show on Twitter hashtag JJGO We're all up in the reddits at MaximumFun.reddit.com where you can discuss the show with fellow enthusiasts and all the MaxFun shows. It is a really wonderful, supportive, awesome community over there on that Reddit and on Facebook.

You look for the Maximum Fun group on Facebook and there will be a thread about this episode. You can chat about it there. Both of those are really great. Jordan's on Twitter, at Jordan underscore Morris. I'm at Jesse Thorne our producer Sonny D Brian Fernandez

the man the myth the legend by the time this comes out he may be a married man congratulations to Brian and Lauren have fun losing that V card buddy yeah

punching that V card punching the V card Yeah. Punching that V-card? Punching the V-card? Just misplacing that. I don't think you're supposed to punch it. You've got to call the bank and tell them to shut it off. You know, if you feed your V-card to a goat and drink the milk. Sure, yeah. You're immune to virginity.

Hey, Brian, I got a gift for you that I think is going to come in handy on your wedding night. It's a set of ledgers from MaximumFun.org. You can take a look at. Okay. Congratulations to Brian and Lauren, a lovely couple. Lauren is a kind, smart, and beautiful woman as well as a hell of a second baseman. So congratulations to them. We're so happy for them and

what a great thing. And that's it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Bye. Give a little child for the child and the child and give it a little child and the child don't win. Don't be afraid of the kids, they're coming. Here come the kids and they're fighting. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.