Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 399: Horny President with Guy Branum

Episode Date: October 19, 2015

Guy Branum joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Guy's childhood boat show visits, which presidential candidates might be mummies, and Jesse's high school meeting with congresswoman Zoe Loftgren.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles. They call this, uh, uh, late summer. Sure, yeah, summer too. Yeah.

Electric boogaloo. I hear El Nino's around the corner, Jordan. I cannot wait for El Nino. Yeah, if Lyft driver told me that earlier today, I appreciated that input from him. Lyft driver slash meteorologist? Well, I don't know if he was an accredited meteorologist, but it's always been a passion of his. Could it be that NBC4's Fritz Coleman has fallen on hard times and has to drive Lyft? Jordan, how could he have fallen on hard times when you did that local television commercial with him at one time?

I mean, being attached to me does put someone into a position where they will eventually have an epic fall from grace. I think that Fritz Coleman, one of the most fascinating things about local Los Angeles weatherman, Fritz Coleman, is that he is, by all accounts, while he's somewhat of a silver fox, he is also a, he's like a novelty weatherman. He's like a comic weatherman. I think he does, yeah,

he does like, or at least when I was a kid, he also did like one-man shows on PBS. Yeah. Here's the thing about him, though. He may be the least ridiculous local Los Angeles commercial television weatherman just by virtue of the fact that his name isn't Lightning Thunder. Sure, yeah. Yeah, he has a man's name.

They really go all in here in Los Angeles. man's name. They really go all in here in Los Angeles. Nothing is being held back in the nom de meteorologies of local Los Angeles radio talent. Or television talent, I should say.

We should explain, by the way, this week's Jordan Jesse Go, we are recording live at MaxFun HQ, but in addition to the maddening cackles coming out of our producer Brian's mouth, this week there's also outside of our studio a group of MaxFun advisory board members, big time MaxFun supporters. So if you hear a weird distant group of mildly amused people. That's the people that you're hearing. Hey, people on Reddit who are bothered by Brian's laugh. Fuck you.

This is a specific fuck you to a few people on Reddit. Let's introduce our guest on this week's program. You probably already recognized him by his distinctive Muppet-ish laugh. He's the host of MaximumFun.org's very own smash hit podcast Pop Rocket. He's also a comedian and comedy writer. One of the smartest and funniest guys I know.

Jordan, I know you know, have a lot more friends than I do. His name is Guy Branum. Hi, Guy. Good to be here. Thank you for having me Jesse and Jordan. Here's my question. Wow! What?

It's like someone was holding you up by the scruff of your neck and your legs were spinning in the air. And then someone let go and you just... It's how I podcast, Jesse. The floor acknowledges the Muppet-like man in the back. Psychologist, the Muppet-like man in the back. Okay, I realize that there is an adult swim show called Newsreaders, but why have we never gotten a Sorkin-esque parody of the Weather Channel? Have we gotten anything like that? I mean, it is.

I mean, I haven't spent a lot of time in the world of local news weather. I mean, I did do the commercial with Fritz Coleman. It's on YouTube. What was the commercial for? The Weather. Jordan played. Jordan played Jordan really went outside of his acting comfort zone and played a spacey dipshit.

I played a surfer who was in Fritz's office in my wetsuit with my board asking him where the best waves were. Oh, that's adorable. Yeah, it was really cute. That Los Angeles... My manager, kind of periodically and Guy, as a television personality, you know this. You got to update your reel every now and then.

And when I had kind of done some more work and gotten some more credits under my belt, I was talking to my manager about updating the reel. And she's like, yeah, maybe we take off the local commercial with Fritz Coleman. And I said, no fucking way. We lead with that, and then we play it again at the end. I think it shows a lot of range. I think so, too. You pulling off surfer to a local Southern California audience who know surfers. Sure.

Yeah, that's a really good point, the local Southern California audience. If they know one thing, it's surfers. If it's two things, it's surfers and little old ladies, specifically those from Pasadena. And I think it came across really well despite not being in great shape. I just am so, so perennially pleased that L.A. still has to make mattress commercials and local news. Angelina Jolie lives here, but we're still going to make – well, she lives in France. I don't know. Famous people live here.

But we still have to make mattress commercials. But, like, Los Angeles, to be fair, barely makes local news. Like, Los Angeles just, like, throws some video of a murder into an episode of Access Hollywood. Also local news. an episode of Access Hollywood all through local news. Like, I love that you cannot begrudge them doing a solid 10 minutes on the Golden Globes

because it did affect traffic. Like, I remember one time, you know, I don't watch, I don't watch a lot of local news on television. Look, I don't even own a television. Let's be honest. Okay, sure.

No, I was... Sometimes you'll watch a documentary on Netflix. Yeah, I was watching. Sometimes you'll watch a documentary on Netflix. Yeah, I was watching. Have you heard of these Netflix documentaries that everyone's always watching? Sorry. I watched. Have you heard of this Netflix documentary is the new I Don't Own a TV?

Sorry, that's my new statement. I watched like probably 20 minutes of the local television news at the airport in Burbank. The ABC affiliate here in Los Angeles sponsors the Wi-Fi at the Burbank airport and thus is on all of the televisions.

And I spent the first 10 of that 20 minutes thinking, what is this weird studio-based documentary about Usher? Like, why is this film about Usher feature a silver fox gentleman

and his hot, younger Asian sidekick? Like, that's the most wonderful thing. It's like, no one knows what Good Day L.A. is, though they tried to take it national in the early 2000s, and that was really exciting. But seeing just how, like, it's basically Kelly and Michael, but with working prostitutes. Like, it's just that horny. And I love it.

Active streetwalkers. What's amazing is it's like I've never lived in New York City, but I know for a fact that there's a man on a New York City specific television network who's a newsman who's famous for reading directly from the newspaper. He has a famous segment where he reads from various newspapers. And like it is this weird local identification that you get just because that locality happens to be the media center of, frankly, the world. Well, it's also it means that we were making YouTube stars in 1983. They just had to be in a media market. How important do you think the YouTube-able blooper is to local news? I think that's all local news has left. I bet instead of, you know, shooting for an exclusive,

they're like, how can we fuck up so it gets on YouTube? Yeah, I think that at some point, there are two producers on any field shoot for local television news, one of whom is in charge of the story, you know, working on the script and getting the B-roll together, the other of whom is just looking for photo bombers.

Yeah, it's just, if you see a drunk sorority girl coming out of a bar, just kind of ushering her over to where the camera is. I like the idea of pre-producing drunk sorority girls. You just got to clipboard, get her to sign some releases, give her some slurs that she could call the reporter. And maybe, maybe, maybe you have some jello shots with you. I don't know. It's not part of your kit that they give you, but if you just happen you have some jello shots with you. I don't know. Right. It's not part of your kit that they give you.

But it's like backstage. If you just happen to have some. It's like being backstage at Bill Maher. There's an open bar available. They're not going to make you get drunk, but they're not going to discourage you. Did either of you watch Unreal? No. I've heard tremendous things.

This is a scripted comedy show on Lifetime, right? Yes. Comedy. Serial comic. I've heard tremendous things. This is a scripted comedy show on Lifetime, right? Yes. Serial comic. Like comedy to Los Angeles people who believe that pre-producing people to be messes is a hilarious part of life. And not one of the American capitalism's greatest tragedies. Right. So to the rest of America, it's a horrible story about how low people will go in Los Angeles. It's a horrible story about how low people will go in Los Angeles.

But to an Angeleno, it is just a charming story of a West Side Jewess who's doing what God intended. I read an entire New Yorker article about a woman from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. So I'm basically a reality TV expert now. Which one was it? She has her own lines of products. That possibly broadened the pool. There's like walk-on characters. There's photo bombers on The Real Housewives who have their own lines of products. It's really exciting.

It was a woman named Bethany something. Oh, Bethany Frankel. Yeah. She's made from head to foot out of products she endorses. She also is Real Housewives of New York, not New Jersey. Forgive me. Can I beg your contrition? Can I offer my contrition to beg your forgiveness?

I mean, while the Pope is in town, that's for him to do. Okay, got it. Look, he met with all kinds of people. Sure, he met with that county clerk, but he also met with an openly gay guy and a whole group of people who didn't have a deep understanding of the

contemporary reality television zeitgeist. Guy, so you were a writer on another period, right? Yes. Did you have to watch a lot of the programs that it parodied, the housewife-based genre? Have to. I was letting Guy do that joke, Jesse. Okay.

Yeah, I know who this is. I was letting him do that. I was letting him do that. The best thing about being in that writer's room is that basically Ricky Lynn Holman and I are the only people who have extensively watched housewife programs or Kardashian programs. And so she always locks eyes with me before she starts saying, remember when NeNe. Fucking NeNe, right? Yeah, fuck it. What is who is NeNe and what does she do?

Oh, NeNe was one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. And then she was on the television program The New Normal because she tried to segue into acting. And I believe now, oh, she was briefly the fairy godmother in Broadway's Cinderella. Sure. But yeah, like there's a lot of, like that show is very fun to write for because you are either talking about very complex Downton Abbey plot lines or like drunk ladies throwing wine at each other on a housewives program. I think that they're going to run this by you, Guy. You're a homosexual, correct? I am officially registered. I am. Officially registered.

Thank God we got that registry started. How's your photo on your card? It's always bad, right? It's always bad. It's always bad. I always wish it was better, but how else are we going to take away their guns? Honestly, the homosexual registration cards, the lighting is so subtle, you just can't tell us apart. Okay, so on Broadway, I feel like the stunt casting on Broadway is a very dangerous game because there is this chasm between, there are two categories of, I think, appropriate stunt casting on Broadway.

One is a real movie star. Right. One is a real movie star who sometimes decide that they're going to go do The Great White Way because they're real actors who trod upon the boards, et cetera, et cetera. James Franco is going to go be in a Horton Foot play. There you go. Exactly. So that's a legitimate movie star. And often those movie stars, I think even typically those movie stars are legitimately superb actors. Right.

And so I think you could make a grab. I know some of people's opinions differ about James Franco, but I think he's a really talented guy. You know, like I think a lot of those actors, you know, if Bill Macy's in a show on stage, you know, you can count on Bill Macy to deliver an exceptional performance. Deliver an exceptional performance. Yeah. Then there's a second category, which is people who are famous based on their accomplishments on Broadway, but also famous enough to count to headline something, which is basically just Nathan Lane and Bernadette Peters. Yes. Like those two.

So those are the two, like, good news. But then everything below that, and I would argue that the line starts around Neil Patrick Harris. Like, everything below that just means sadness. Damn. Like, you can put Ben Vereen in. Like, if you put Ben Vereen in, you get that exception for, like, Broadway legend or Mandy Patinkin. You know what I mean? People who are famous for something other than Broadway maybe but are legitimate Broadway legends. But then it gets to Nene real quick.

Yeah. It's unfortunate. The one time I went with our friend, Aparna Nancherla, to see Chicago. And I was explaining to her, some terrible person will be playing Roxy Hart. Like, someone who was on a sitcom ten years ago will be playing Roxy. Hart. Someone who was on a sitcom ten years ago will be playing Roxy. I get the impression that Rizzo from

Grease is just like, there are these parts that they will give to the less than talented. Look, I'm not going to say that I once saw a Broadway production of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, which starred Whoopi Goldberg. That legendary ancient

Roman. Sure. But yeah, I did, actually. Well, that's great, because that's a role where instead of singing, you can just kind of talk. Yeah, sure. And Whoopi Goldberg is the greatest. I love Whoopi Goldberg. That's on record.

But there was no one in Chicago when we saw it. It was just some lady who was Japan's Velma Kelly, who they had brought in. I don't even know who America's Velma Kelly is. They brought her in to be Velma on Broadway for three weeks so that they could take her back to Japan and say, from Broadway. So they just did a swap? Last thing I want to see is Chicago 12 or 20 years in, however far it is in, with just good, talented Broadway performers.

I know. I want to see some action. I want to see Chicago starring in Chicago. Saturday in the Park gets interpolated into... That would be amazing. Yeah. Add a horn section to Chicago. Sure.

Chicago may have a horn section, some of those songs. Yeah, because they're jazzy. They're jazzy. All that jazz. There's horns in there. Yeah. Add a horn section to Chicago. Sure. Chicago may have a horn section, some of those songs. Yeah, because they're jazzy. They're jazzy. All that jazz. There's horns in there. Yeah. But I think you get a Chicago's trombone guy in there, you're really going to kick it up a notch. That guy's been on the road for decades.

He knows how to entertain a crowd. I once saw a very, very weird stage musical of The Ten Commandments with Val Kilmer. Oh. And as Moses. And this is, you know, I guess maybe Val Kilmer has done some, like, credible movies lately to kind of, you know, remind us that Val Kilmer was a thing. But this is like.

Wait. So when you say that Val Kilmer has done some credible movies lately to remind us that he was a thing, you're talking about MacGruber? Talking about MacGruber. Yeah. Yeah. This is I think the thing I am talking about is this is maybe three years before Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

Right. Like, you know, this is the before the triumphant return or whatever of Val Kilmer. And so he was playing Moses and, you know, his face was on the billboards. This is before the triumphant return or whatever of Val Kilmer. And so he was playing Moses and his face was on the billboards. And this was this kind of awful thing that was never on Broadway. The Israelites all did hip hop dancing. No, man. Israelites all did hip hop dancing. No.

And Val Kilbert was in like three scenes where he would just wander in from the side of the stage and talk, sing some things and then wander off. That sounds amazing. Yeah, it kind of was. I'll tell you what. There's a church near my house that's constantly doing car shows that have a play associated with them okay i really want to go to those plays yeah like car show a church-based car show it's a church-based car well they're reaching out a car show with a theater production attached to the car show about i think finding god in jail that's amazing. Like true OGs are for the original God. And then there's a car show afterwards.

Who here had to spend significant time at boat shows as a child? I don't think we have the same childhood lifestyle. Yeah, my dad definitely threatened to take us to boat shows. Your dad once bought a car at a car show, right? Yeah, my dad did threatened to take us to boat shows. Your dad once bought a car at a car show, right? Yeah, my dad did. Really? Yeah, yeah. In the waning days of my parents' marriage, my dad made a lot of very bizarre purchases, kind of without running it by my mom.

And one of them was a car that Cruella DeVille would drive, a kind of two-seater long in the front. But like the 80s reproduction of that. Yeah, right. Like an Excalibur or something like that, not like a Duesenberg. Yeah, right. This was something that, yeah, like a Koki agent had made for him in the 80s. This wasn't like something that Jay Leno would have. That sounds really awesome.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it was cool to see, but also, I mean, I think, you know, tore my parents' marriage apart. Jordan, I do think it is dangerous to assert that any car is not something Jay Leno would own. No, you're right. You're right.

You're right. Yeah. He's going for coverage. He's just as many cars as possible. Is that a car? I'll take it. That's my Jay Leno impression, by the way. He's on the phone with as possible. Yeah, he's like, hey, is that a car? I'll take it. That's my Jay Leno impression, by the way. He's on the phone with his mechanic, like,

have we got the 92 Saturn yet? I need to fill this hangar that I own. It was dent-resistant door panel. So, yeah, that, and then also a some sort of giant painting of Napoleon he also bought. Again, this sounds really awesome.

Yeah. So, Guy, did you spend a lot of time at boat shows? I mean, I don't know how many boat shows I've been to in my life, but it felt interminable the whole time I was there. Did your family own a boat or was this just part of your father's attempt to turn you into a boat shoe wearing heterosexual? We would periodically own the kind of boats that you water ski behind but then we would sell

them but he would, I think we went to boat shows we didn't go to boat shows to buy boats we went to boat shows, I'm not clear why we went to boat shows Check out the new boats. Yeah. When they were –

They got stats and info about the boats, you know, how good does it float. It was – we walked around. Sometimes there would be like yachty things that had like a little like a bed and kitchen down inside of them. And I liked that because it felt domestic. Have fun, Dad. I'll be down here making scones. I'll be at the Dwell magazine area of the boat show. It always struck me, too, because I remember my dad asking us if we wanted to go to the boat show.

And my thought process was we have never been on a boat. Yeah. And don't really live that close to water. Yeah. And don't really live that close to water. Yeah. But it seemed to me that I guess there's just these things that dads become interested in, and maybe it's a place to just go and meet other dads. He looks like— You mean for secret sex?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Me and Bruce are going to go check out this galley. Here's the thing. Here's a nickel. Buy a gumball. As a kid, I went through a period where I was pretty into cars.

And my dad took me to the car show. It's the only transportation show I've been to. I believe that's the category. And I remember being stunned that mostly what happens at the car show is you look at the interior of a Nissan Sentra.

Like, I imagine that the car show would have a lot of, if not Duesenbergs, at least Excaliburs. Sure. You know what I mean? But actually, it's a whole conference center full of Camrys that people, like, they just want to have access to both the Camry and the Accord within a short distance but without test drives. Well, and also some of them have been, like, souped up in some way that I don't understand, right? Rims. Rims are an issue maybe, right? Okay.

High school was just a bunch of boys talking about their rims and the radios in their car, and that was all that they cared about, and none of them went to college. And the whole time I was just like, why isn't anyone else studying for the SATs? You, like, lift up your import tuner magazine and inside are just your interior plans for a boat. We've got some really great ideas for built-ins. Are there babes at a boat show? Is that why the dads are going? Do they want to, yeah, like a lady who presents the boat? There's probably some mermaids, right?

I mean, those actually turned out to be manatees. Oh, okay. If I know my sea lore correctly, most things that sailors think are mermaids are actually manatees. Oh, okay. If I know my sea lore correctly, most things that sailors think are mermaids are actually manatees. Can we teach a manatee to gesture at a boat? They just automatically get hit by the propellers. It's just in their nature. They just run right into it.

I think right now the Navy is developing weaponized sexual manatees. Oh. They're breeding manatees for waving at enemy boats slash human sexiness. Sure. And as soon as the sailor's penis goes in, it triggers a bomb? They're like, the heads are getting smaller and smaller. Yeah.

Still too big, though. Yeah. Manatee's got a whole fat head, you know? Yeah. Much bigger than a beautiful lady. Sure. That's the issue, I think. Do you follow my whole line of reasoning here?

Have I explained it effectively? Yeah, but you can... Should I go over it again? You know what? We probably should. Okay, so... Just for clarity's sake. The Navy, who are in charge of Aquatic Morphic...

Yeah, that's like the boat army. Sure. They are working on developing a set of faux mermaids made from manatees, which is a popular sea mammal from Florida. And here's the problem, guys. It's a great idea on its surface. I think we can all agree with that. I don't see any problem with it so far.

A manatee has a fat head, and a lot of beautiful women don't. So the Navy is having to do some selective breeding to reduce the size of the heads. But they haven't made it far enough yet. Anyway, that's Jesse's joke. Guy, you have a concern. Oh, just I think if we can make a square tomato, we can make a sexy manatee. I believe in it. Thank you very much.

And why don't we hear that at the debates? Why don't we hear about what's wrong with America and not why America is the greatest country in the world? Sure. I think the next time all those fellows get up there, Ted Cruz would really help his cause by taking a bite of a square tomato and then fucking a manatee. Yeah. You know what? A lot of our listeners have been sharing messages with Ted Cruz over the past few weeks. Just vision type things.

For your benefit, Guy, we get tired of people correcting us on the podcast. But we know that people feel that impulse when they hear, you know, if- We recognize and acknowledge the impulse to correct. Yeah. I mean, we have it too. I mean, I think we've all been listening to a podcast and they say that Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure was made in 1987 when we all know it was made in 1989. You can't sleep until you tell someone that. So we want to help listeners soothe themselves.

So when they feel the need to correct us, we just have them send whatever issue they have to Ted Cruz on Twitter because we think he's more equipped to deal with it. Yeah. He's got a whole staff. And a vision for America. Got it. So just let Ted know. And just a gross face.

Just let Ted know your debate tips. Sure. I think at Ted Cruz. I think that'll really lend him a hand. I think so too. Adomian has the best Ted Cruz joke. It is that Ted Cruz— Comedian James Adomian.

Comedian James Adomian, officially registered homosexual. Yeah. Great picture, by the way. Yes. The exception— It's a good picture. He has three-point lighting. Sure.

I think he had makeup before that, though. Yeah, you have a key light, you have a back light, and you have a fill light. Jordan, do you think anyone would get their officially registered homosexual picture without hair and makeup presents? He said that Ted Cruz looks like he is wearing a mid-priced Ted Cruz mask because of how sunken his eyes are. Yeah. And I just think that that's so true. Maybe it's going to be a situation where, you know, some water gets on Ted Cruz or a thread gets caught on a nail

and the whole thing's going to unravel and it's just a bunch of bees. In a man suit. You know, I think you bring up a really excellent point. You know, which of our candidates are a bunch of raccoons standing on each other's shoulders with an overcoat draped over top? I don't know. Which of our candidates are mummies? Where if they get caught on a nail and unravel, they'll disappear in a poof of dust. I'd like to speak to moveon.org because I think that they have really been dropping the ball into letting us know

which candidates are humans and which are just piles of things. Look, the move on dot org people, we can all agree they did a great job when they created the screensaver of the toasters with wings. Sure. But now it's now it's time for another accomplishment. That's been quite some time ago. Let's get on top of this. Which candidates are mummy situation?

I mean, we can all agree that Bernie Sanders has been dead for at least a period of time. Right. And the question is, is he a vampire? Is he a zombie? Is he a mummy? You know, is it a Weekend at Bernie's thing? Is Weekend at Bernie's based on Bernie Sanders? Yeah.

An earlier Bernie Sanders. He's been dead longer than we knew since the late 1980s. And in the sequel, they'll reanimate him with a voodoo curse. Yeah, exactly. I never realized all those stories about FDR's sons holding him up because he could not stand were just essentially a proto

Weekend at Bernie's. Exactly. That's actually Weekend at Bernie's was originally a World War II film. And then the studio executives are like, we love it. Can it be a modern sex romp? Yeah.

This should include more fun guys looking for pussy. Orson Welles dropped out. He was going to play Churchill. Sure. And then once they lost Churchill, they decided to do

some retooling. We love the female lead being an ugly cousin of his that he's married to. But what if it were just like 50 to 75 women in bikinis? Exactly. Well, I think we've solved Hollywood politics and boat shows. So we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Welcome to the Lady to Lady Show. Behind door number one, we have fantastic weekly guests like Aisha Tyler, French Stewart, Zretta, and more. Behind door number two, we have road trip and sleepover games like Would You Rather

and Never Have I Ever, the kind of games that remind you of being a kid. Door number three brings you fresh, hot episodes every Wednesday. You can find them on iTunes and MaximumFun.org. Now pick a door. Just kidding. They're not real because we're a podcast. You're all winners. And we didn't really think this through.

Lady to Lady. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I'm Guy Branum, vampire senator hunter. Oh, really? Yes. What kind of equipment do you got in your toolkit? I have a recent edition of America's Congressional Registry. Okay, great. And sharpened wooden stakes. Oh, great. So you've got the two

primary things you're going to need. Yes. I've always been a Holy Water fan, but as a Jew... I think we all have. I mean, you don't have to tell me about being a Holy Water fan. I mean, we were all college freshmen, right? We all had a little Holy Water. First and foremost, a San Francisco Giants fan. But second, I'm a fan of Holywater.

Third, I'd say I'm a Parrothead. Sure. The three pillars of a good life. Yeah. I mean, so it seems like killing a vampire senator isn't that different from killing a vampire with a more traditional job. Well, but vampire senators are so good at building coalitions and working with other revenants or creatures of the night.

Because of the legendary sort of convivial fraternity quality of the Senate relative to the House of Representatives. I mean, if you're talking about killing a vampire in the House, you know, in the lower House of Congress, you're talking about a bunch of, you know, it's like herding cats. Right. Everyone's going one direction or another. There's so much extremism because of gerrymandering. I would think it would be a much easier job

than a senator who's, you know, who's known for building bridges. Statesman-like. Yeah, exactly. I mean, imagine trying to kill, like, a zombie John Kerry. Sure. You know what I mean? He's in France. He's got that French wife.

He's in, you know. His power to hypnotize you with long, boring stories about, like, the balance of power in Southeast Asia. Like, you're just going to be hypnotized. I mean, here's the easy part, though. Yeah. The traditional, you know, death method for a mean, here's the easy part, though. Yeah. The traditional, you know,

death method for a zombie shot to the head, huge head on John Kerry. Yeah. Huge head. Solid points. I mean, you don't even have to have

that great a name, you know? But he's got that, I mean, he's got enough silver foxy hair. Mm-hmm. His mane is such that it could throw off

your sense of what is head and what is hair. Yeah. No, you know, that's a good, that's a good point. It's a classic distraction The main is such that it could throw off your sense of what is head and what is hair. Yeah. No, that's a good point. It's a classic distraction tactic, like painting a warship with razzle-dazzle paint. Sure. You can't tell whether John Kerry's coming or going. God, that's a really great Wikipedia entry that not enough people have really taken part in.

pediatry that not enough people have really taken part in. Oh, hey, hey, hey. Speaking of our nation's capital, I would like to take this opportunity to mention that my public radio program, Bullseye with Jess Thorne, is hitting the road in November. Our first ever world tour of select American cities. We are doing a show in Los Angeles. We are doing a show in Brooklyn. We are doing a show in Los Angeles. We are doing a show in Brooklyn. We are doing a show in Manhattan. I'm going to do Make Your Thing, my talk about making independent media in Manhattan, Boston, Philadelphia. All of those places, we are doing amazing kick-ass shows. We've already

started to book the guests. I'm not going to tell you who they are yet, but they are amazing guests. All those shows will have big sit-down interviews with fascinating people, stand-up comedy with brilliant stand-up comics, including the aforementioned Aparna Nancharla. It's going to be on one of the shows. Live music, amazing live music. We've already started. I mean, these are people, these are bands that you would pay the money for your ticket just to get to see these bands play. All of that happening on these shows, go to bullsighttour.com for more information, bullsighttour.com. Don't miss out. Has the concept of America's NPR belts been like floated yet?

Well, I think you could just – you could build the heat map, so to speak, just by looking at Volvo's. You could build the heat map, so to speak, just by looking at Volvo's set. I mean, or if you just wanted to simplify things, 10 shows in Vermont. Yeah. Just go to various places in Vermont. On my national tour of Vermont featuring the famous Vermonter who is, surprisingly, Luis Guzman lives in Vermont. No, really? Yeah. That's crazy.

Not only does Luis Guzman live in Vermont, but the time that he was on The Sound of Young America many years ago, we were on at the time. I don't think we are anymore, unfortunately, but we were on at the time Vermont Public Radio. And so we told him, like, we'll come into Montpelier or whatever and we'll do the interview. The nearest station – this is like a 12-station network in the tiny state of Vermont. The nearest station to where Luis Guzman lives was like a two-hour drive. That's not possible.

I know. He, like, lives, like, deep underground in Vermont or something. That's not – Like, there are no free deep underground in Vermont or something. That's not... There are no freeways where Luis Guzman lives in Vermont. Only one-lane dirt roads. That's beautiful. I know. Isn't that lovely?

Yeah. Get off the grid. Just become a successful character actor, and then you can get off the grid. Yeah. That's the way to do it. It's the dream. That's what all those people were doing in the 60s. What are you guys going to do when you finally get off the grid?

Masturbate more. Yeah. The problem with masturbation is that, you know, just too much hustle and bustle. Too much urban hustle and bustle. Honestly, my biggest problem with masturbation is mistakenly ejaculating into electrical outlets. So just getting off the grid is real important. Oh, the electrical grid. Yeah, sure.

Because the electricity travels up the strand of semen. Exactly. You don't have to continue a strand. Tragic, but beautiful to watch. Thank you very much, guys. Let's get those YouTube slow-mo guys on this.

That's a really good idea. Can I just say, I think this might be a really good segment for Fallon. Shifting into an electrical socket? Well, if we could get Anne Hathaway to do it with me. Sure. She's always game.

She's fun. She's game. They're just like real people. I am so tired of hearing these canned interviews with celebrities. I want to see them playing parlor games that they would play in the privacy of their home. I really get to know them. I'm giggling about how silly they are. What I want to see is Emma Stone giggle

about how silly she is. Oh my gosh, she's such a silly Billy. Sillbill for short. Let's go back for a moment and just say, why aren't there more, like, San Luis Obispo-based, like, masturbation cults in California? Like, it feels like... I don't know, guy. The-based, like, masturbation cults in California. Like, it feels like –

I don't know, guy. The kind of, like – it's the kind of reflective activity that really needs to be surrounded by, like, you know – Oh, so you want, like, it to be associated with maybe, like, transcendental meditation. Something David Lynch-y. Exactly. Like transcendental meditation. Something David Lynch-y. Exactly.

I do remember something about the area that is now Orange County once had something called the Oneida community where they practiced masturbation but never ejaculating. They thought that was a way to become closer to God or to be your best self or whatever. And that was because they were all members of the same Reddit community. Yeah. Yeah. This was contemporaries to nofap so so people were were edging in the 19th century yeah yeah yeah i think that's what's going on and i think there was a there was a weird i mean i think they did and my maybe my knowledge of the onida community is uh is incorrect but this is what i think happened I think they did and maybe my knowledge of the Oneida community is incorrect, but this is what I think happened, was that they did have a free love

policy, but also a no ejaculation policy. So you could stick it in whomever, but just you couldn't ejaculate. I see some troubles with that system. Let's break it down. What are your issues, Guy? Because this seems great to me. Yeah, it seems like a rock-solid plan

to me, too. It just strikes me that there might come that point in time when it crossed somebody's mind that they would like to get a nut off. You sure? Yeah, no. Yeah, that point in time might come. Yeah, and you've got your principles, you've got your ideals and goals, but then you've also just got the practicalities

of how genitals work. Sure. Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah, but then you've also just got the practicalities of how genitals work. Sure. Yeah. That's a really good point. Yeah. But I mean, you decrease the risk of electrocution. I think that's why-

That's so true. If you're not jizzing. Guy, I think that's why you're in the Senate and I'm in the House of Representatives. Ah, vampire. I'm a wild-eyed idealist and you're a dealmaker. So what goes into, like, what equipment do you have to hunt down vampire representatives? Oh, vampire representatives? Yes.

Well, I mean, I basically just hold a gun-themed town hall meeting, and they come to me. Yeah. You know, it's really not a concern for me. Like, I basically just put out a microphone with a stake underneath it and my work is done. I have heard – maybe you can correct me on this and I could be wrong. Again, I could be wrong about the Oneida community. I could be wrong about vampires in the house. The stake doesn't work.

You have to remove the head. Am I – is that – have I gotten bad intel? That's interesting. That's an interesting thing. I think in a parliamentary democracy, you have to remove the head. That's remove that's what i'm thinking of but yeah here in a federalist democracy yeah i think that's the key to the heart why tempt me to talk more about borgen you know that all i want to do right now is talk about the danish parliamentary politics go man we got nothing else you attempted to bring me up to the edge of climax and not allow it.

Sure. Guy, if I might allow you to put just the tip in. Here's my question for you. Now, you are – you're a well-known politics nerd. You really enjoy the nuts and bolts of the horse trading and the workings of the voting and these kinds of things. Yes. Have you ever had occasion to meet a congressperson? Oh, not since I was in eighth grade, I don't believe. What happened when you were in eighth grade?

Like we went to Washington, D.C. as like part of – you go to Washington, D.C. Sure, eighth grade trip. Yeah, sure. I mean I think most people just see the spirit of St. Louis and turn the bus back around. Right. We met with Wally Herger, congressman then for the second district of California. That's a funny name. Yes.

No, but I do know an assemblyman, like a California assemblyman who was briefly, I think, speaker of the assembly and is a gay guy from Los Angeles. Oh, that's nice. When I was in 10th grade, I was in the junior state of America. Look, I don't mean to embarrass you guys, but I'm not bragging here. I was not selected for junior state. I applied. I wanted it so bad. Not quite.

Are you going to force me to bring up the fact that I was in our school's production of George Washington Slept Here? Don't make me drop that bomb. Guy, I'll tell you what. Don't make me drop that bomb. Guy, I'll tell you what. The secret to being selected for junior state is be a person who's willing to say they might be interested in junior state and go to an arts high school. That's what's required. Yes. So we had these regional meetings.

And on one occasion, Silicon Valley Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren. Oh, who's amazing. Came to our meeting. And, I mean, I'm talking about a meeting of 25 or 30 junior state members. Like, certainly no more than 30. And, like, hung out for, like, an hour and a half. And was so nice. It really inspired me to believe in my government.

She wasn't even my congressperson. Almost none of us. She represented almost none of us. But like, I really believe in government because of that one time Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren was so nice when I was in high school. Yeah, it was amazing. That's very sweet. Like, politics is so weird. Like, they're kind of in charge of things, but they don't get to be glamorous about it in any way. It's a little bit sad. So you're saying you would like to see Congress, but with more eyeliner? I mean. More galas, more balls.

Philosophically, I know. Like JFK Jr.'s short-lived magazine George that was trying to put – Oh, I remember that. They would always put a sexy lady in the wig. Yes. I saw a copy of that in a basement of an estate sale I was at recently in Portland, Oregon. And, yeah, I should have thought of you, Guy. It was – it offended me. It's like, no, this is the United States.

We don't do things like that. But I also do fundamentally believe that we do need an aristocracy, but it should be completely composed of people who were on sitcoms five years ago. And that should be separated from the people who decide, you know, who we declare war with. Are you sure that that aristocracy isn't already in existence and it's the cast of chicago on broadway because i'm pretty sure queen deborah messing is doing a great job right now i mean i always i was you know all the tourists always go you know go stand under the balcony when john stamos comes out and waves yeah waves to the crowd i'm so glad that like that we're getting like john stamos and rob lowe having real chances to come back this year. I'm excited for both of them.

This is just an earnest recommendation. Anybody watch that show Moonbeam City that Rob Lowe does the voice of? No. Oh, shit. It's funny. It's great. And he's great. He's perfect in it.

Yeah. I saw an episode of it. It was very funny. Yeah. Yeah. To just to circle back a little bit into kind of like, you know, life goals, meeting Congress people and such. Have either of you been on the local news ever? I was in a local television commercial. OK. That's as close as I've ever gotten. Oh, no. Once in high school, I was wandering around the campus of San Francisco State University. I was wandering around a car accident. That I had caused.

Sure. And once in high school, I was returning to the scene of an arson that I had instigated. Sure, yeah. To jack off. Yeah. I was just wandering around the campus of San Francisco State, which was right next door to where I went to high school. And I got interviewed about how I felt about Magic Johnson returning to the NBA. Thankfully, I think I said I was in support of it.

Sure. Good news. Like, how hard would it be to live down if, you know, 25 years ago I said, like, I don't know, what if he shares spit with the other players and then they get age? Like, said some weird, horrible 1991 type thing. But luckily I had enough understanding of how the world worked. You just said, y'all ready for this. Yeah, exactly.

I don't know if that's when that song came out. Yeah, I mean, that was when songs like that came out. 91, 92. That is when songs like that came out. Everybody! Man, those times were so high NRG. Yes. Guy, local news?

Oh, um, I, well, the only time I was on the local news was when I had a brief media story about me when I was in college, um, and it was very awkward. What, can you, can you elaborate? Yes. Uh, I know you want to, clearly. And it was very awkward. Can you elaborate? Yes. I know you want to, clearly. Well, I had lit a warehouse on fire. Sure. And a few minutes later, noticing my burgeoning two-message, I returned to this game.

A boy's got to learn about that somewhere. Sure. I said mean things about the president's daughter in our campus paper. And then the Secret Service came to my apartment and searched my apartment and asked me questions. And it became a thing. And so the local news was bothering me. When you say said mean things, do you mean that you threatened her? Sort of. You said mean things. Do you mean that you threatened her?

Sort of. I was talking about the big game between Stanford and Berkeley, and I said that Chelsea Clinton represents the Stanford ethos of establishment worship, which must be subverted and destroyed, which was quoted by the Associated Press as Chelsea Clinton dot dot dot must be destroyed, which led to some confusion on the part of the first family. I can understand that. Sure. Sure.

How were the Secret Service men? Nice? They, old school good cop, back-gopped me and it was adorable to watch. Oh. I was terrified. But yeah, my mom was like, don't go on air. People will recognize you and it will destroy your life. But I did do one local news story.

Don't go on air. People will recognize you and it will destroy your life. But I did do one local news story. I met an FBI agent once who was doing background checks for a friend who was applying for the Foreign Service. And that was like one of the most – it was like meeting an astronaut. Yeah. Because he was exactly like an – like he was a semi retired, which is why he would did these background checks. It was like a side thing for him. But it was like it was literally like interacting with like a 75 year old public service minded Don Draper. Like when you said exactly like an FBI agent, My thought was, you mean Jon Hamm? It was like meeting a 75-year-old Jon Hamm. He was so polite and nice.

Came over, sat down in our living room. My wife and I chatted with him a little bit about our friends who were applying for the Foreign Service. He told us a little bit about his life in the FBI. Wished us the best. And then went upon his merry way. It was such a lovely experience. Now, I would rank it below Zoe Lofgren, Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren, in my interactions with public officials,

but above the time that I tried to high-five Bill Clinton, and he seemed like he was going to high-five me, but then he kind of went over my hand and went down to my back and turned it into a handshake. No. When did that happen? That would be 2000. That was still before presidents could high-five, though. That's a handshake. No. When did that happen? That would be 2000. That was still before presidents could high five, though.

That's a good point. That was shameful for them to be seen high fiving. Exactly. They tried to focus on fornication. Sure, yeah. Well, everybody has different focuses during his administration. Sure, Ronald Reagan was the great communicator. Sure.

Bill Clinton, the great fornicator. Ronald Reagan was the great communicator. Sure. Bill Clinton, the great fornicator. I mean, how – will there ever be a funnier comedy topic? Just when we're talking about the broadest of comedy topics. Sure. Like just general, general things.

Sure. Will there ever be a better comedy topic than horny president? Well, I mean, I think my first inclination is to say man's inhumanity to man. Okay. Well, yeah. Because there are only five stories. One of them is horny president. Horny president, man's inhumanity to man, boy and his dog.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Guy Branum, national security threat. You know, something that we should go over with our guests on the show, Jordan, is when to do their intake of breath.

I feel like even when they're prepared, they're late on the intake of breath, and so there's that beat that frankly ruins the show, and I blame Guy. Sure. Yeah, no, the rhythm is off. Yeah. I think in a lot of ways, and Guy, you know, you're a comedian, you probably have an opinion on this, I think

comedy's a lot like jazz. It has a beat, a rhythm, improvisation, turtlenecks. Sure. You know, everything, all of these key elements. Snapping. Stand-up comedy, I think, came out of ragtime. It was one of the

other children. I'm just not at the place in the podcast booth that I normally am for Pop Rocket. My sense of balance is completely off. I don't know what I'm doing. You're having inner ear troubles. Exactly.

I can understand that. That happens to me when Biz and Teresa come in here to do One Bad Mother. Biz moves my chair. There's literally nothing more upsetting to me in the entire world than that Biz moved my chair six inches. Right. Yeah, give me a break, Biz. You need your bearings. Like I get in here and I'm like holding my computer in one hand and my water in the other and I see my chair in the wrong place and I flip the fuck out.

Jesse, you'll probably know about this story when I start talking about it, but I... There were once this brother and sister named Hansel and Gretel. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. That's what I was getting at. I think I read some sort of newspaper story about a baseball pitcher who was mad because his mojo was thrown off when someone from Full House ran onto the field, sang – I think it was the national anthem. That's what you would sing at a baseball stadium. Right.

God bless America. They also sing God bless America. But sang it poorly. I guess it was something – they were shooting it for the Full House reboot, but no one had told the pitcher and he was mad for the rest of the game. Oh, wow. I haven't heard about this. Yeah.

And I guess someone had asked him something like, you know, why did your performance falter at the back half of this game? Because he was too distracted by the woman from Full House. Well, you know what? You know what? I think that probably the truly magical, and Brian, go on YouTube and search for Tommy Lasorda, Dave Kingman. Oh, we've talked about this on the show. Oh, we've talked about this on the show.

Yeah, we've played this. choke someone, which happened recently. This guy Jonathan Papelbon choked a teammate the other day, and he just did it in front of everyone. A guy on his team just went hands to the neck, choked his ass. A guy on his team just went hands to the neck, choked his ass. And all I could think about Jonathan Papelbon was just like, God, like today is the right day for you, Jonathan Papelbon, to be a white guy. Everything is coming up white guy for you. To be fair, was it because he caught a glimpse of Dave Coulier? Yeah, that's exactly what happened. Dave Coulier did his famous bullwinkle impression.

Yeah. What did motivate the choking? It was that the other player had not run fast enough to first base and thus was not hustling. Was not hustling enough. The other player being perhaps the best player in baseball. So maybe Jonathan Papelbon, who'd been on the team for about three weeks, if I remember correctly, maybe had his priorities. No, seriously? Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I was like, never mind. This is bad podcasting right now. But also, you have to respect a certain degree of hierarchy in situations like this. If you get called up from the minors, you don't get to have opinions for like at least a couple of weeks. One of our advisory board members is outside the booth and he's a Washington Nationals fan. He just is trying to express to me all of his opinions about everything that's happened

non-verbally. Like, oh, well, I don't know about that. Yes, that definitely. Going through like an Italian person on the phone. I mean, we have separate windows. Yeah. You're seeing out a different window than I am. Yeah.

I'm getting a similar huge semaphore-like reaction. Yeah. Because I'm guessing there's just a bunch of Full House fans out there. Yeah, sure. It's called Fuller House. And Guy, I think through your window you can see some porpoises

at SeaWorld. I see that like egg crate foam that is supposed to absorb sounds. Yeah, we got that. We got that everywhere. Okay, when something

momentous happens to you like you get choked in a Major League dugout in front of television cameras, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. That number again, 206-984-4FUN. Take out your phone, put it in there right now for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Let's hear the first call.

Hey, Jordan, Jessica. This is Jenna from Kentucky. I had a momentous occasion today on my way to work. This is Jenna from Kentucky. I had a momentous occasion today on my way to work. I saw a Google car, so instead of going to work, I followed the Google car for about 20 minutes before I turned around and started to work. Thank you. Love the show.

Bye. What kind of job do you have to where you can just slag off going in to follow the Google car? I work in dalliances. I'm so proud of this woman. Like, I am so proud of this woman. She decided to make herself a very minor celebrity of the internet. And I think that that's what we all need to be doing these days. Sure. You know what, Guy?

You've inspired me. You guys want to record an Uptown Funk parody? Podcast Funk? I don't know. You don, I think that's a really big problem, especially when you're addressing issues of the patriarchy and white supremacy. There are people out there who feel like if they open their mouth,

they're just going to get, you know, they're just going to get it slapped closed by the mores of society. Or Matt Damon. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

And I think what we see here is a woman who, with only the slimmest only the slimmest of reasons to believe that what she had to say mattered, was willing to dial a number to a major podcast, probably the most popular podcast in the world. Sure. Which is Serial. Is there any way to check that? Which is Serial. And then look up the Jordan Gessico phone number afterwards.

No, that she was willing to make that call simply based on the fact that she had driven behind a car associated with a famous internet brand briefly. Well, no. I'm guessing it was the car that makes the Google Maps. Well, she did not even say, I put myself into the pictures or I. So you're saying you think she may have been making a rival map behind Google Maps. Well, she did not even say I put myself into the pictures or I. So you're saying you think she may have been making a rival map behind. Yeah, she was. Yeah, she was driving in the the Bing wagon. What what if her being visible on that Google Street View exonerates her from the crime

that is season four of Serial? That is amazing. And by the way, Guy, I am glad that you are planning so far ahead in the timeline of Serial. You could have gone with season two, the upcoming season, or season three, the season after that,

which we don't know what it's about. But you went all the way ahead to season four. It's going to go off a cliff. Like, it's going to get bad. We all know the real story is invisibilia. Do you think maybe at some point... It's the hidden brain. Thank you very much.

Do you think at some point Serial can get Nay Nay involved? Did I get the name of that person right? Nay Nay? Her name is Nini. Okay, sorry. Nay Nay is a dance. Is a dance, I'm sorry.

Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, yes. This is Derek Williams from York, PA. Something momentous happened today. I'm on my way right now to Baltimore to visit my friend's birthday. You're going to be surprised. But I needed some gas, so I stopped at the gas station. I was looking around.

There was this dude. He looked at me, got in his car, and drove away with the pump still attached to his car. So pump breaks, gas is still on the ground. I'm thinking to myself, oh, man, gas explodes. This could be it. So it turns out I did not die.

There was no teenager smoking a cigarette nearby to flick it on the ground comically. Just want to let you guys know I am contemplating my own mortality. Yeah, that's it.

So live fast and eat a lot of Oreos because people are dumb and gas explodes. All right. I'll be done. I feel like all I do, like that is the least momentous part of my day when I contemplate my own mortality. Like I feel like I eat a lot of Oreos. I engage with the sickening pit in the bottom of my stomach, which represents both my own mortality and all the Oreos I've eaten.

Sure. stomach, which represents both my own mortality and all the Oreos I've eaten. Sure. Like, on a minute-by-minute basis. Like, if I wasn't running from my own death, where would I be running to? You know, I would just be sitting there. Have you guys tried any of the birthday cake Oreos? Or the red velvet Oreos?

No, I haven't tried either of those. You got an opinion? They're both pretty good. I think if I was to pick an Oreo variant, it'd be the golden Oreo. What is the golden Oreo? That's just like a yellow Oreo. I thought that was a sex thing. That's what I thought

when I bought it. It wasn't. You got it at the pleasure chest. There's a little bit of a disappointment there. But what I got was actually a pretty nice cookie. It's just yellow. There's a little bit of a disappointment there. But what I got was actually a pretty nice cookie. It's just yellow? There's no alternative flavors in there? The filling is the same.

It's a little more of like a, like maybe the flavor of a Chessman cookie. Oh. So it's nice. I'll say this. You know, I typically shop at Trader Joe's where there are no branded products. So I don't eat a lot of your Nabisco prepared foods or what have you. But the two of those products that I will go out of my way to eat are Oreo cookies and Cheez-Its. Discuss!

Cheez-Its are amazing. Cheez-Its are so good. Cheez-Its. Discuss! Cheez-Its are amazing. Cheez-Its are so good. And I also think that Cheez-Its have by far the biggest, like the widest gap between the primary brand name and the imitator

brand. Because I feel like Cheez-Nips, I don't even have the time of day for Cheez-Nips. You could offer me a free lifetime supply of Cheez-Nips and I would not even cash it in. Alright, I would, the amount of cheddariness that is being provided to you by a Cheez-It is possible. Like, Goldfish crackers also do very, very solid work. But there are no Cheez-Its.

There are no Cheez-Its. The Oreo is amazing. It is a unique and beautiful product. Right. I do not approve of any of the different colored or different flavored Oreos. But the ones that – Have you tried them or are you just being a stubborn, set-in-your-ways conservative? The second one.

The second one. I'll tell you this. On Brian and Lindsay Will Totally Eat That, the smash hit web show starring our producer, Brian Fernandez, and his colleague, Lindsay Pablis. They ate weird Japanese strawberry Oreos. Oh, how did it go? Well, you're going to have to find out by typing in Brian and Lindsay will totally eat that Oreos into YouTube or going to toteseat.com and finding and looking for the episode.

Look, I have been tempted by those weird green tea Kit Kats. They look interesting. Yeah, we made them eat the, I don't know if you've had these, the bakeable cheesecake Kit Kats that you put in the oven? I totally watched that episode. Yeah. It terrified me.

Yeah. It was kind of, it turns into a sort of custard inside, like a warm custard. It's a very odd thing. I do want to say that those Oreos that have been dipped in chocolate, those ones are amazing. I haven't had those. And also, I need to not remember that they exist because they will destroy me.

Like a jazz man in heroin, they will destroy me. We'll be back in just a second. Taken from us too soon on Jordan, Jesse, go. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Welcome to Oh No Ross and Carrie. Ross. Hi Carrie. What do you think is creepier?

Okay. You jump into a swimming pool. All of a sudden, the water goes away. And instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors. Ew. Or our show. That's pretty tough because we visited a live exorcism. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis where we had to worship a naked lady.

Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult. They were scary. Super creepy. We joined the Aethery Society. We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did. Oh boy, I tried breast enlargement. We have basically done every creepy weird fringe thing except for thousands more which we will get to if you listen to our

show i'd still say the swimming pool of my ancestors bones well and i don't even know if people should listen i guess they shouldn't but if you want to we're at maximum fun and the Ross and Carrie. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. It's Guy Branum, cheese it, apologist. Okay, I'm going to say this right here, right now. There's probably 15 people

sitting outside of our studio right now. Brian, if you could crack our studio door here for a second. If you guys think that the people listening to Jordan Jesse Go right now should take out their phones and subscribe to Pop Rocket so they can get more Guy Branum, let them know right now. Right now. Shit's tremendous. It's like the thing I'm most proud of is creating that show. It is such an amazing program, and Guy and his colleagues are so funny and insightful and fun and informative. It is just like a blast.

I look forward to listening to it every week. Thank you so much for promoting us as much as you do. Jordan, you do less work on that front. That's true. You know what? I can step up my game. I can step up my game. But we're still friends. I can step up my game.

And also just engineering a situation where I get to have a charming conversation with Winter Mitchell, Margaret Wappler, and Oliver Wang on a weekly basis. It makes my life better. Well, I got to say, like, Jordan, like, sure, my job is to push Pop Rocket. Jordan is sort of like our John Kerry. We're using him to keep relations warm with pop culture happy hours, Glenn Weldon. Sure, yeah. Like Glenn and Jordan is our path to Weldon.

And he's making sure that we don't break detente. Sure. He's my friend, not your friend. Yeah. Glenn is a personal hero. He's pretty amazing. He's one of the finest men. Though, like, look...

Not to mention, by the way, I've met him in person. One of the finest men. Yeah, sure. Broad college swimmer shoulders. But, Jesse, pushing me into the mind-laden fields of Pop Culture Roundtable Podcasts, you didn't prepare me in any way.

You didn't say, hey, guy, you like, Culture Gab Fest is out there, Pop Culture Happy Hour. You're going to have to be in this world. You're going to have to deal with a lot of personalities. It's like I told that FBI agent. I think you're ready for international diplomacy. You're ready to represent our nation on the international stage. But you didn't prepare him for getting the side eye from Stephen Metcalf.

Oh, that's a good point. Exactly. You don't need that. You don't need that. You don't need that in your life. But we had Linda come on Pop Rocket, and it was very exciting. Oh, that's nice. Linda Holmes, the host of Pop Culture Happy Hour, who's also been a guest on this show. Yes. We talked about romantic comedies and drank pink wine.

And it's that point in time when a podcast just becomes brunch. Yeah. But that was fun. I listened to that. I don't like pink wine or romantic comedies, but I enjoyed that program. To be fair, I did like the time I saw Music and Lyrics on an airplane.

Music and Lyrics is so underrated. It's a fun movie. Yeah. Yeah, I really liked it. I mean, there are some parts where you're like, this is a movie? Because they're so half-assedly made. But then there's so much charm and fun. Drew Barrymore's job is to water that man's plants, I believe.

Yeah, I think that may be the case. Yeah, that may be the case. Anyway. It sounds like a great movie. Guy Branum, the host of Pop Rocket, run out and subscribe to it because it is so great. In fact, it's pretty easy to subscribe to it. subscribe to it because it is so great. In fact, it's pretty easy to subscribe to it.

Like whatever you're listening to this on right now, you could probably like with about six inches of physical action could take that object out of your pocket, type in Pop Rocket and click on subscribe. I'm pretty sure you have to go to the podcast store. Yeah, you could. Or you could go to your popular, your favorite podcast application. Yeah. I mean, you might be on Downcast. You might be on Overcast.

But I mean like a store. Like a store downtown. Like a brick and mortar. Like a brick and mortar podcast store. Like the newsagent. Yeah. Got it. I think we should,

I mean, I think that's kind of the next step for podcasting. It's like just having a place where people can come and touch the podcast. Just get a sense of them. Yeah, it's really hard to see what,

to figure out on the internet just from pictures what podcast is going to fit. Sure. Especially if you have an unusual body type. Is it going to hang weird? Yeah. Yeah.

Personally, I'm kind of hippie. Sure. And I have a hard time figuring out, you know, like is Slate Culture Gab Fest or Pop Culture Happy Hour going to fit me better and flatter my curves? Stuff we missed in history class is just so roomy in the shoulders. Yeah, sure. You don't think it's going to be. I have that problem, too. You can't put it in the dryer, either.

Shrinks. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, now a married man. Congratulations to him. Everybody's looking at his ring finger. Only when this is released will he be a married man. He's not yet a married man. So I guess things could go horribly wrong. Yeah.

If everything goes according to my plan, things won't. Brian, when you can't, when this podcast comes out, you're a married man. Right now, get your dick wet, buddy. Hey, buddy, get your dick wet. I'm a super fan surrounding you right now. Get it wet. Get it wet. If you're going to get lucky before you're locked down, this is your big chance.

Get it wet. Get it wet. If you're going to get lucky before you're locked down, this is your big chance. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, our producer. You can talk about our show on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo. And many people do. If you've got complaints or corrections about the show, send them on Twitter to at Ted Cruz. T-E-D-C-R-U-Z.

If you want to talk about the show on Reddit, go to MaximumFun.reddit.com. There's always dozens of great conversations going on about a given Jordan Jesse Go episode over there on the MaxFun Reddit, which is the happiest, least creepy corner of the Reddit world. A really lovely little place. Or on Facebook, just search for Jordan Jesse Go

or join the Maximum Fun group where there's a lot of good chat going on. Is it true that everybody on the Maximum Reddit doesn't masturbate? Yeah, that's true. It's a, yeah. It's reddit.com slash r slash Maximum Fun, no fap. Yeah. No fap.

And this week, special thanks to our MaximumFun.org advisory board for joining us here in the office, every single one of them, especially board founder Jenny Kasanoff. So kind to put this event together. What a joy it's been to entertain some of our most committed supporters, folks who flew in from not just all over the country, all over the world to help us with Maximum Fun. So thanks, everybody, for doing that. We really appreciate it. And we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Thank you.