Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 401: M.R.E.A.M. with Sarah Morgan

Episode Date: November 2, 2015

Writer Sarah Morgan joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of mangos and other foods that they've changed their minds about as an adult, Jesse's visit to a taco truck in Hawaii, and the Elvira show at Knott's Scary Farm.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, the Mango Man. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know I'm called the Mango Man, Jordan? I mean, I kind of do because we were discussing it earlier, but for the audience's benefit. No, Jesse, why do they call you the Mango Man? Because I love mango so fucking much. do because we were discussing it earlier but for the uh for the audience's benefit uh no jesse why do they call you the mango man because i love mango so fucking much oh well that's a lot of

people think it's because i got a little bit of mango stuck in my teeth sure uh some people think it's because i brought some cut mango here to the office for uh all of our friends to share but the real reason is i fucking love mangoes it seems like that could also be the name like the ironic terrifying name of like a could also be the name like the ironic terrifying name of like a drug kingpin the mango man the mango man like oh man you don't want to you don't want to piss off the mango man you know about shrimp boy i don't know about shrimp boy is a legendary chinese gangster uh who corrupted from memory uh state assemblyman leland yee in san francisco who's a he's a chinatown gangster in san francisco who corrupted like the entire From memory, State Assemblyman Leland Yee in San Francisco.

He's a Chinatown gangster in San Francisco who corrupted the entire city government. And his name is Shrimp Boy. That's great. Well, Shrimp Boy, Mango Man, you got yourself a nice Thai dish right there. That's true. If you guys join forces, you could be the, I don't know, fried rice that's served in a pineapple or something. Oh, man, that's good. Let's introduce our guest on the program.

We'll get deeper into mango stuff. Why wouldn't we? I've got a lot to say. Sure. Our guest on the show. Yeah, clear our schedules. All mango talk. Celebrated international comedy writer,

not least of MaximumFun.org's International Waters. Delightful past guest on this program. I can't think of any other credits. She's wearing a nice summery hat. Sarah Morgan. Hi, Sarah. Hello. Oh, okay.

The hat's on the ground. Yeah. Okay. She's not currently wearing. She owns a nice summer hat. When did you become Mr. Pedantry? I was confused. Jesse, it's of whom there?

I was confused, and I thought it was coming through in my voice that I was baffled why you would say that someone was wearing a hat when they were not. I was explaining it to myself. Who would win in a fight between Mr. Pedantry and Mango Man? You know, Mango Man, well, if Mango Man's got that chili kick on the side. Sure, yeah. You know what I mean? So here's my thing about mangoes right now, Jordan. Sure.

Right now, I'm, like, mangoes are ruling my world. I don't want to blow out mangoes. Yeah. So this is a Mream situation. Mangoes rule everything around you. Mream. That's the reggaeton remix of 2001 featuring Daddy Yankee. This is the deal.

As a young person I resented mangoes I'll tell you why I think we've all had this experience Where we get really upset with a fruit Because after your parents broke up Mango started dating your mom Exactly

He's like listen I'm not trying to replace your dad Sure I mean I don't want But I'm nice at a salad I don't want to get too I'm nice at a salad. I don't want to get too close to a James Dean movie here. But here's the thing. I didn't like mangoes for two reasons. One, they're difficult to peel.

And two, they have that giant pit in the middle. Sure. Actually, I'm going to add a third reason. They can sometimes be. Can I guess? Stringiness? Yeah, stringiness. Sometimes they can be stringy. Now, here's the thing.

I moved to Los Angeles 2007, I'm going to say. Roughly 2007. Sure. And I'm wondering what's going on with these guys with carts full of fruit. What's going on here? Because they're not just selling fruit. I don't... Selling a lifestyle?

I'm not yet. They're like Russell Simmons. Fruit Russell Simmons. Hang on. That's slander. Yeah. I finally, like I figure out these are cut fruit vendors. I finally screw up the courage, maybe 2008 or 2009, to go buy some cut fruit.

Sure. This just changed my life completely. Were you, you were, you were worried that maybe they were also selling drugs? I don't know. What was your concern? I was not concerned for my physical safety. Okay. Like, to be 100% clear, I wasn't worried that I was going to be hurt.

I wasn't worried I was going to be caught in the crossfire. Sure. Or get involved in a standoff. I was concerned that I would be embarrassed because I didn't know how these fruit – there's no sign. Sure. So I didn't know how they operate, you know. But I got it together. Yeah.

And it's become one of the great pleasures of my life. Sure. Here's the thing. You go to this person. You ask him for some mango and pineapple, in my case. And they sell it to you for $4, sometimes $5. You don't get some cukes in there? I don't usually get cukes.

Cukes to me is a different thing. It is a different thing. I love the cukes in there. Yeah. I mean, we can agree to disagree on the cukes, but personally. How do you feel about the jicama? Oh, I like the jicama too. Yeah? Mm-hmm. I would get, see, I would be inclined, I'm inclined

to go either fruits or vegetables rather than fruits and vegetables. Okay. Frutas y verduras. Sure. In Espanol. Mm-hmm. I... Wait, you're classifying cucumbers as a vegetable? What are you classifying them? It's a fruit! An intimacy aid? Yeah, sure. A cucumber is a fruit. What are you classifying then? It's a fruit. An intimacy aid?

Yeah. A cucumber is a fruit because it has seeds inside? Yeah. But it's green and it grows on a vine. It's still a fruit. Yeah. So does a tomato. Tomato's a fruit.

What about a pumpkin? Is that a fruit? I don't know. It's a gourd. It's a gourd. Well, what's a cucumber then? It's a lifestyle brand. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Apparently cucumbers are also a gourd. Okay. But anyway, moral of the story is. Any corrections at Ted Cruz. The other thing that's going on is there's a variety of mangoes available at my local grocer. So I can get different types of mangoes, not just that one kind of mangoes. Now all I can think about all the time is mangoes.

I cut my own mangoes now too, by the way. I was going to say, I would think cut fruit would be less fresh than uncut fruit. But they cut it in front of you. They take a piece of fresh fruit and chop it up. Benihana style. Wow. Yeah. And then they tempura it. Nice. up. Benihana style. Wow. Yeah. And then they tempura it.

Nice. They don't actually do that. They don't. That seems like that would be an operation, having like a hot oil. Lie to me. I'm not from here. Yeah. I mean, literally the best fruit that's available where Sarah comes from is Brussels sprouts.

Oh, fucking yeah. Oh, I'm missing them. But as a grown up. Oh, lovely. As a grown-up, I will say mangoes and Brussels sprouts are actually probably the two things I've come the furthest on. Sure. Me too. I also did not like mangoes as a kid.

Slimy. Yeah. Tasted like something you weren't supposed to be eating. Yeah. Like you had just put something in your mouth. Sure. And someone was about to yell at you to spit it out. Sure.

But yeah, mangoes. Also Brussels sprouts, blue cheese. Yeah, I love blue cheese. Blue cheese is great. Being an adult is amazing. I love blue cheese. I love asparagus. Like, I look forward to eating asparagus.

Asparagus is not 10, 15 years ago I thought was the grossest thing I could imagine. Asparagus. Yeah. Yeah. Cunnilingus, what am i so as a kid yeah do i have to i know just hanging out at the boys and girls club i mean you tolerated it so you could get dessert right and then now yeah you look forward to it yeah if you just put lots of butter on it it's fine okay we'll be back in just a second with more jordan jessica Now, you look forward to it. If you just put lots of butter on it, it's fine. Okay, we'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan and Jessica. We're Dave and Graham, and we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.

We started this podcast back in 2008, before podcasts had to have any kind of concept, so we don't really know how to describe it. It's kind of like going to the barber shop if your barber knew all about the first season of the show Elf. It's like a 90-minute massage where the masseuse is two people talking to each other with a third person it's like the monsters of metal tour only quieter no music and just talking it's like a makeout session but without the lips touching they just talk a lot download stop podcasting yourself from itunes or maximumfun.org www.patreon.com Love you, love you, love you I'm living Armstrong. Oh, got it. Got it. Okay. I thought satchel mouth might be like British prison slang. Everything is British prison.

Satchel mouth, due south, cunnilingus. I know about cockney rhyming slang. I know about cockney rhyming slang. Something happened to me when I was in – this past week, I was in Hawaii on the island of Kauai. Wow. I had a very nice time with my family at the beach and so on and so forth. Vacation. Pure vacation.

Pure vacation. Okay. Well, I mean, I went to a store that makes custom Aloha shirts and took pictures for Put This On. So I could probably write it off. Yeah, sure. But, you know, pretty much just vacation. I'm not doing that much. And we were at this beach and the food at the beach, you know, the only food available was this taco truck. And it was a Hawaiian taco truck.

Like it wasn't being operated by native taco truck. And it was a Hawaiian taco truck. Like, like it wasn't being operated by native taco makers. Sure. It was. But they were selling Mexican style tacos. Yeah. But one of them was like a Hawaiian pulled pork taco. Okay. Which was like, I mean, it's not that far from Carnitas or something, but it's not that

is not, you know, it's slightly fusion-y. Sure. And a blonde lady was running it. Okay. She was very nice. So we ordered some tacos. They were fine. You know, it was like eating at Chili's or something like that.

You know, you're like, this isn't exactly Mexican food, but it's not bad. And we're eating. We're sitting there by the taco truck, and this elderly couple walks up to the taco truck. taco truck and this elderly couple walks up to the taco truck. When I say elderly, not like frail. I'm going to say 75. Between 70 and 75. The guy was wearing cargo shorts.

The woman was wearing, I don't want to say church clothes, but like brown polyester slacks and a blouse. Okay. This is on the beach, fully on the beach. Sounds sweaty. And they walk up to the window of this little, it's like a pretty small trailer and they're looking at the menu and they look at this menu for 225 seconds solid you know just three four minutes they're just silently staring while this blonde woman smiles patiently and in the end uh the husband goes uh uh The husband goes, what's a carne asado?

Had they spelled it with an O on the menu? Absolutely not. Okay, sure. Absolutely not. So the woman inside the truck says, oh, you know, it's like a seasoned grilled beef. So the woman inside the truck says, oh, you know, it's like a seasoned grilled beef. And the husband goes, well, I'll have one of those. The woman inside the van says, taco?

And he says, okay. Didn't seem thrilled about any of this. Yeah. And then she says, for you, ma'am? And he turns and looks at her. And I'm going to make a noise that signifies the type of silent face she made. Sure. She was silent. Mm-hmm.

But the noise is sort of like like she just looked at him and went it was magical yeah that sounds great what do you think she was not having it sure do you think they thought they thought there was going to be more food options. I don't know what they wanted. He was like, let's be adventurous. Let's go to this roach coach. Yeah. Might have been something he would call it. He'd probably call it a roach coach, yeah. And then she was just not thrilled about it.

She was like, I would rather starve. There were no other food options. Let's be clear. Yeah. This was the one food available within four miles. Uh-huh. And highly rated on Yelp. Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean? And I didn't check TripAdvisor. Well, maybe you should have. Maybe I may. Yeah. Should I have run a chowhound search? Yeah. It would have told me whether to go with the asada or with the Hawaiian pulled pork.

You would have told me whether to go with the asada or with the Hawaiian pulled pork. But, yeah, I mean, she was – she had clearly chosen to starve. I think something that you don't realize about Hawaii is that once you get outside of the, like, resort areas, there's not a lot of things. No. There's not a lot of things. No. And yeah, I think that is maybe where an old couple, you know, maybe, you know, Midwest or something like that gets a little confused. They were from Kentucky. Okay.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Do you know that? This woman was being so friendly to them. You stole her driver's license. It was astonishing. Yeah. One thing that really impressed me about Hawaii was the level of friendliness that people who live there were able to maintain in the face of just truly monstrous behavior on the part of visitors. Sure.

Yeah. I definitely remember like we would have to – when I worked for Fuel, we would have to go to Hawaii a lot for, you know, surfing-related shoots, and just like, you know, after work, you know, rallying the guys to go to a bar, you have to drive for an hour

on a winding road so that it renders going to a bar impossible. Yes. Yeah, so I definitely see how you leave the comfort of a resort where there is shrimp available to you at all times on all surfaces. And then you just have to deal with what's there. Yeah. And maybe it's terrifying. I felt so bad for these poor people and for the poor people in the taco truck even more so.

for these poor people and for the poor people in the taco truck even more so. But like they had clearly planned to go to Waikiki Beach in 1972. Specifically Waikiki Beach from the Brady Bunch Hawaii episode. They just wanted poi. They just wanted handfuls of poi. And had accidentally ordered the wrong plane tickets or something. It was a dire situation. And the only thing that made me feel better is immediately afterwards, two just incredibly friendly gay nurses who worked at the Mayo Clinic came up and ordered tacos.

They also had no idea what a taco was, but were so nice about it. Yeah. They were excited to try something new. I felt like they had redeemed mainland America just through their genialness. They volunteered all of the information that I just said, like pretty much unbidden.

They may have said like, so, you guys on vacation? And they said, yes, we're nurses. We work at the Mayo Clinic. We're, you know, like the whole nine yards. But they were so sweet about it, it cleansed my palate. Nice.

I'm picturing it. So it's a beach and there's one truck on the beach. Yeah. And it sells hot, spicy meat food. Because this sounds weird to me as a foreigner, not from Kentucky, but like that sounds, I would like an ice cream van. That seems normal. You're looking for chilled foods. Like a gazpacho.

I'm guessing it's hot in Hawaii, right? I've not watched too much Lilo and Stitch. It's hot there, right? It's warm in Hawaii, yeah. Have you seen the Brady Bunch Hawaii episode? No, I've seen the Brady Bunch movie sequel. Nearly as good as the Brady Bunch movie, one of my favorite films ever, despite having never seen the Brady Bunch TV show.

Yeah, good. Excellent. It's just a very good film. I remember going to see those as a kid and not having seen the Brady Bunch. Yeah, I get this. What's not to get? It's wonderful. We were born into a campy generation. Sure, yeah. But yeah, I had not seen the Brady Bunch before the Brady Bunch movie.

Really? Yeah. It wasn't on... You're only a year younger than me. I remember it being on TV all the time. I had the option of watching Brady Bunch, but I always remember just not liking old TV shows. They made me feel weird when I watched them, because mostly they're boring.

I remember the only thing I watched in that zone was I loved Gilligan's Island. For some reason, that was the only old TV show that appealed to me as a kid. You didn't like Happy Days? Did you ever watch Happy Days? Boy, I tried to watch Happy Days. And it didn't work for you?

Al just died. Al died on Halloween, didn't he? God bless him. God bless his soul. That's sad. Did you watch Happy Days? Yeah, we had Happy Days. Happy Days was one of the things that we had.

You know what I... It was six o'clock on Channel 4. You know what I really like that I think explains a lot? MASH. Yeah, yeah. Boy, I was so lot? MASH. Yeah, yeah. Boy, I was so bored by MASH. It's boring. It's so boring.

I can't even watch it now because it's too boring. I don't understand, A, I don't understand how all those people watched it in the 70s. It's amazing to me. B, I don't understand how I watched it in the mid-80s as a 7-year-old and was perfectly happy to watch the madcap antics of Hawkeye and Hot Lips Houlihan. I don't know. I don't know what that means. I definitely know the like – I think there's a certain appeal to a kid of like I am watching a grown-up show. This is for grown-ups and I get some of this.

I think it also helped explain my father's post-traumatic stress disorder to me as a child. Like I think it was so deeply tied into my family's narrative. It was horribly sad. The world's saddest sitcom. It's amazing that there was just a period in American television when you could make a regular sitcom with like goofy neighbor characters and so on and so forth. But also it's about the injustice of the Vietnam War. Sure, yeah.

Just periodically there's just like bleeding children. Weirder than that, Hogan's Heroes. Yes, that's true. That's very, very true. Has Britain had any sitcoms or other types of things like that that revolve around a tragedy? Pretty much everything. All of our sitcoms are based around tragedy. We had Dad's Army, which is about the Home Guard, which ran for about 800 years.

What's the Home Guard? which is about the Home Guard, which ran for about 800 years. What's the Home Guard? The Home Guard was men who were too old or otherwise unable to fight overseas would stay at home, and they formed these sort of community police officer kind of armies. So it was kind of old people and spivs who got out of going into the army and people with bad feet and stuff. However people got out of being in the army in those days and uh elderly people over here spivs in the center on the right i want all the flat feet exactly exactly um so it was mostly a bunch of old men in a church hall and as with

all things british it was mainly about the class system right oh. Oh, God. There was a little bit that was about a country veterinarian, but besides that, it was about the class system. Yeah, pretty much all our sitcoms are about class or sexually frustrated men, and we're really good at those. To be fair, it is a class-based horniness that they have. If they're not trying to lick the boots of their superiors, they're trying to fuck the nurse who lives over the road

and failing. Oh, man. Something really dark happened recently to me. Speaking of sad things and speaking of country veterinarians, All Creatures Great and Small isn't on Netflix anymore.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I went to watch All Creatures Great and Small. It was gone anymore. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I went to watch All Creatures Great and Small. It was gone. Boy, they will yank some shit off Netflix. Did they not know that I was only in, like, season four? Yeah, I guess they didn't. There's, like, 25 seasons of that show, too. Like, let's be clear.

I have been teased multiple times for my giant, cumbersome Monty Python box set. Right. When it was on Netflix. Now who's laughing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, anytime you want to be bored for 15 minutes out of 20.

Right. By seasons two through four. And then marvel at the genius of one sketch per episode. Man, when that box set came out, I think I got one free from the Shout Factory that made it, you know, for being a member of the press. And I watched about, I made it through about three regular

episodes of Monty Python. I was like, okay, I'm just going to stick with those movies. Yeah, yeah. The classic sketches are all in the first two episodes, too. They don't tell you. Then there's just all these other ones that have these long. I'm unable to speak with rage right now. Oh, boy.

I will defend vocational guidance counselor. Yeah, we basically, it's basically like if she'd said, like, Jimmy Carter's a real asshole, something like that. Like what could really strike at our hearts? Sure. Yeah. Yeah, the Simpsons of shit. I can't even address it. Okay, that's it.

That's it. Marge versus the monorails. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Here we go. Oh, man. I watched Marge versus the monorail the other day. That shit's hilarious. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Here we go. Oh, man. I watched March versus the Monorail the other day. That shit's hilarious.

Hell, yeah. Top five. Top five. Let's just remember that. Wait. Can I tell you something that's supposed to happen? That's okay. Hold on.

Let's do this. Okay. Let's listen. I don't think we should hang around here for too long. There are many Simpsons podcasts people can listen to of people just remembering the Simpsons. Let's all go. Hold on. Let's all go around and say one thing from Marge versus the monorail.

This is a different one. And I forgot. What are we doing? I'll have the cosmic ballet goes on. Okay. That's my favorite. I call the big one bitey. Homer, they got some dish soap in the mail that was called Lemon Time.

And then Homer goes, gimme, gimme, gimme. And he takes it and starts drinking it. And then Marge goes, Homer, that's dish soap. And he says, yeah, what are you going to do? We nearly harmonized then. That was gorgeous. That's what it sounds like when Doug's good. Sure.

The one where they go into Shelbyville. And Milhouse meets the other kid named Milhouse. Behind the rock-shaped lemon. Yeah, sure. Other way around. We have fun. Speaking of camp and the era that we grew up in, Sarah and I saw Elvira. In person?

In person. Live in concert? Would you call that in concert? What was that? It was a live theatrical show, right? Sure, yeah. It was, yeah. Broadway.

Not Scary Farm. Yeah. So that's what Elvira's up to? I mean, Elvira's got to be getting up there. She's got to be 65. 64 years old. You wouldn't know it. You wouldn't know it.

Looks great. Looks amazing and not in a weird, surgeried way, just in a kind of blood of virgins something. Just astonishing. Elvira is one of those things that has no business being as famous as she is or as good as she is. She is amazing at what she does, which is tit puns and horror puns. And she's so good at it. It's like, what if the Crypt Keeper also made tit jokes? If that's the one thing you're good at and you do it for, like, 25 years, it turns out you get really good at it.

Well, I mean, I think also there's just like this one, I mean, as you pointed out, this generation of camp that came when we were children. I feel like Pee Wee's Playhouse, Elvira, and the B-52s are all home runs. Sure. Totally. Home runs. And it's hard to remember because when we were 13 was when everything like that was on the downhill swing and lame things were campy like that. Sure.

But they all had that shit on lock in 1985. It is amazing how when we were kids, we were liking things that were making fun of shit from the 60s. Like in that we didn't really know, but we just, yeah. So this was at. Even now, to be fair, we like Dana Gould. She doesn't like Dana Gould. Yeah. I don't want to talk to the man who doesn't like Dana Gould.

Yeah. So this was, so every year Knott's Berry Farm becomes Knott's Scary Farm. And part of Knott's Scary Farm this year is an exclusive engagement from Elvira. Now that's dope. Yeah. That shit's rad. So the Elvira show, it happens in a theater. I don't know what Knott's Berry Farm shows in this theater when Elvira is not there.

It's called the Charles M. Schultz Theater. So that's the Peanuts guy, right? Yeah, yeah. So they obviously put on maybe more wholesome things. I don't know. I just didn't really get a handle on what it actually was, where it was, what was going on. Yeah. Is Knott's Berry Farm Peanuts themed still?

Yeah, their characters, their park characters are all peanuts. The whole place is jam themed. Jams and jellies. Knott's Berry Farm, for folks who don't live in Southern California, is a theme park that came along right around the same time as Disneyland, at the dawn of theme parks. And it's based on jams and jellies like the company that the famous the thing is jams and jellies but they also licensed peanuts at some point yeah uh so so elvira is in this show i think it's called elvira's asylum yes although she because yeah she's the the gist is that she's taken over a lunatic asylum. Right. So the lunatics are represented by Cirque du Soleil people who do body popping and stuff to EDM, I believe you call it here.

Yeah, there's a real... Which doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever. There's a real... So the show has two distinct parts. Right. Two distinct aspects to it. But she calls it a booby hatch. That's the main joke because it's a lunatic asylum.

She calls it the booby hatch because of her tits boobie hatch. That's the main joke. She calls it the boobie hatch because of her tits. Have we mentioned, my boy, have we mentioned that Elvira's got big tits? Does she? Yeah. That's the main joke. I know, you know, I think a lot of people know Elvira primarily from 2D

representations at the end of aisles in supermarkets. Yeah. Oh, and before the show, they did do a very nice job of showing a clip of, like, Elvira, like a clip package of Elvira's greatest hits. There's a lot of Coors Light commercials in there. Yeah. And they were all great. Yeah.

And they played Two Big Pumpkins, written by Fred Schneider from the B-52s. There you go. A terrible novelty Halloween song about pumpkins slash tits. Yeah. And there's some shit in that. Listen, is Two Big Pumpkins great? Yes. Here are some logic problems with Two Big Pumpkins.

There's some lines there that you can't let go. So ideally every line in the song would be applicable to both a pumpkin and a boob. Right. But there's some shit there that's just about boobs. I think there's a lot. It's like you got two big pumpkins put them in your mouth

you can't put a whole pumpkin in your mouth that's just about a boob you can eat a pumpkin no maybe you're right there's the line something about her friends like to kiss them yeah don't kiss your pumpkins I've kissed a few of Jordan's pumpkins

to be fair they had boo-boos Friends, don't kiss your pumpkins. Sure. Yeah. They kissed a few of Jordan's pumpkins. To be fair, they had boo-boos. Yeah, that's true. They had boo-boos that needed kissing. It was great because I'm a big Elvira fan of longstanding, and it was weird. She came on and did very, very 2015-specific things, which was just unexpected and wonderful. Who do you think is on Elvira's writing staff? Who's putting this show together? Yeah. I just thought that was the

funnest gig. Jombie. Jombie's on Elvira's writing staff. The wolf man. Yeah, the guy who wrote Monster Mash. People write jokes for lolly sticks in the UK. But they had, they, okay, so there's two distinct parts of this show.

The inmates who do Cirque du Soleil type dances to really, really intense dubstep. Right. Like, choo, choo, choo, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they are, you know, erotically spinning. Right. And then Elvira comes out and does like

boob jokes yeah like and then she did a cover of All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor but the lyrics were changed

how did she change the lyrics? it was all about tits right but it was it was something lyrically like it's not about my face about my face these big tits or something it but it was so that it was something lyrically like it's not about my face

about my face these big tits or something it was yeah like that i wish we could if yeah do you know what i was gonna go back and watch it on youtube because there are lots of people filming it and then i thought actually i like not remembering it properly i like remembering it like a sort of weird cheese dream yeah weird horror pun cheese sure And, yeah, I – so the thing that – something that is really, really striking about it is how legitimately great it was. Like, Elvira was awesome. Yeah. Like, not in a, like, ah, check out this fucking dumb shit from the 80s. Like, she was hilarious.

Like, I legitimately laughed my butt off while we were watching. I imagine it being, like, I mean, maybe six months ago, Jordan, you and I went to see Dame Edna. Sure. I definitely. Dame Edna was a fucking home run. That was a blast. Yeah. Yeah.

That was delightful. Yeah. This was very, very similar. Hasn't missed a beat. Did some something weird. Something weird that I mean, a million weird things happened. But a weird thing that happened that I noticed was she had a – she's got a joke in the show where she's talking about – oh, boy. She's like, so some guys come to the show and just stare at my chest. And some guys come to the show and just want to talk about Lady Gaga's outfits. And as she finishes this joke, a huge man in the audience just yells out, Yas!

And not in a fun way, but like an angry rush into battle. And she fucking dealt with it. She handled it. She made fun of the guy. Everybody laughed. I don't know what he was trying to do. Presumably he was trying to yas queen her. Yeah, sure.

There was a few guys there who clearly come every night and send presents backstage and were quiet, harmless men who just clearly big fans. And there was a lovely bit. She does this kind of, because it's a lunatic asylum, she does this Rorschach inkblot test thing. And the joke is that all the things look like boobs. Right. So she goes, what's this a picture of? And it's a pair of milk jugs. And everyone goes, jugs.

It's hilarious. And then it gets to the door knockers, it's knockers. And then it gets to the last one and she's just done a selfie of her own chest. And she goes, guys, what do you think this picture looks like? And one of the very quiet men just went, heaven. Yeah. Like I don't think anyone else heard it. Yeah.

I love that guy. It was very quiet. I want to make that guy my friend. Yeah, it was like he wasn't saying it to anyone. He couldn't control himself. He just slipped out. Because it was what he was yeah it was like he can't he wasn't saying it to anyone he would just he couldn't control himself just slipped out yeah because it was what he was thinking oh man so so it was it was like it was like long-standing elvira fans in my imagination it is uh a goth it's people it's 19 year old latino kids in in Nightmare Before Christmas knee socks. There was a lot of that.

Yeah. That was definitely a demo. So what were the key demos? Yeah, definitely those. Were there 65-year-old gay guys? Because that's the classic Elvira audience. Yeah. There wasn't not that.

Right. But there were definitely a lot of middle-aged masturbators. Got it. Like guys in slacks and cross trainers. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then, you know, just people who were there because they bought a ticket to Halloween Horror Nights. And yeah.

And then, yeah, I think some over-the-hill gay guys too. This sounds like kind of a spooktacular. It was a real spooktacular. A huge spooktacular. Yeah. I've been collecting spooktaculars around LA. I like being in a place where Halloween is celebrated and there's been lots of spooktacular signs everywhere. I'm enjoying it immensely.

You don't even have Halloween where you come from. We have shit Halloween. We have the weather for it. Hello, it's me. The ghost. Shit Halloween. Queen Elizabeth, I declare October 31st to be shit Halloween. I think we're quite a gothic nation anyway, so we don't really, yeah.

Sure. And we don't like showing off. We don't like dressing up. So we're bad at, yeah, that stuff. Let us all celebrate shittily. In a half-arsed way. With a level of aggression that is unnecessary. In a half-arsed way, with a level of aggression that is unnecessary.

Old men to the left, spivs in the centre, flat feet on the right. But it's been lovely being in a country where people actually believe in ghosts when Halloween is on. Oh yeah, that's true. A lot of ghost believers. Oh yeah, I've been in a lot of Ubers with the radio on, on the call-in show where people phone in and say spooky shit that's happened to them. Oh, sure. Coast to coast to coast. Is it ghost to ghost? I think it's called coast to coast, but if they do not call it ghost to ghost. They call it that in October, like not scary.

Oh, sure. Yeah, exactly. You've got to get the seasonal name. The Uber driver's just agreeing very, oh, yeah, this thing happened to me in cold spots and whatnot. Sure. Sounds great. Yeah. I mean, can you think of – you say that in kind of a shitty way, but can you think of another explanation for a cold spot?

I certainly can't. I had a – Why would it be cold in a spot? You're right. You're right. I had a sort of vaguely spooky thing happen to me yesterday as well, which was fun. I thought I'd treat myself to stay in a posh hotel, and I stayed in the Landmark Hotel, which is where Janice Joplin died.

I'm sad and a goth, so I thought that's quite cool, and it's got a really nice pool as well. I thought they put me in the room next to the one she died in. There's a little plaque outside that just said Janis Joplin stayed here stayed she really stayed here and I Janis Joplin

stayed here for 72 hours until the stench overwhelmed someone until someone identified the body did you ask to stay in that room? No. It was pure coincidence. Apparently Jim Morrison stayed in the room I stayed in.

It was just a coincidence. But the room was next to mine, and the people who were staying in there pulled the blinder at about six in the morning. They decided to... They'd clearly chosen the room on purpose, and they played Summertime, the Janis Joplin version,

ear-bleatingly loud at six o'clock in the morning. So I woke up just going, oh, the fuck? I don't believe in ghosts. But like the 2% of me that suddenly did believe in ghosts went, I'm not going to call reception just in case they go. No, there's no one staying in that room. There's no one in that room. Also, there's no one at reception right now. So who are you talking to?

This hotel doesn't exist at all. You're sleeping in a vacant lot. On heroin. You've just taken heroin. That's what's going on. It was very spooked out here. I just imagine the guy at the front desk picking up the phone, pressing the button that says Jim Morrison, saying hello. Then you give your complaint and he says, there's trouble again in the overrated wing.

Right. I was trying to think of someone else who was overrated from that era. The dead at 27 wing. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Those are the two though, huh? Janis Joplin's not a zero like Jim Morrison is. That's absolutely true. Oh no, Janis Joplin's got some tunes under her belt. Five out of ten. She's okay. That's absolutely true. Oh, no, Janice Johnson's got some tunes under her belt. Five out of ten. Yeah.

She's okay. She's fine. The birds are overrated. Okay. They didn't die, though. Sure, yeah. Can I say Grateful Dead? Is that allowed?

Yeah, sure. We'll take it. Yeah, why not? I mean, I feel like at this point, the Grateful Dead are maybe even underrated by virtue of their overratedness for so long. Sure. It's a real roller coaster with those guys.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, not that I've ever heard anything by the Grateful Dead that I've enjoyed. I do like the idea of, like, guys with collections of dat tapes. Yeah, that is fun. I think that's fun. But it could be a collection of dat tapes. Yeah, that is fun. I think that's fun. But it could be a collection of dat tapes of anything, and it would be fun. Yeah.

I mean, like if you're going to have a collection of dat tapes, there's no doubt that it should be Prince dat tapes because Prince is good. Sure. Like there's people who have collections of Prince dat tapes. That I'm all for. I'm like, give me a copy of that dat tape. Have you had a lot of nutty Uber driver experiences or has it been all them all

all the stand up I've seen has lied to me the ocean the well yeah no I've had they've all been

perfectly lovely generally actresses who would just seem very pleasant sorry nothing can I make something up no

no that's okay I think it's time to – yeah. I no-handed that inquiry. They're always fine. Yeah. Nice and whatever. Yeah. I will say that I was really shocked because I went to Not Scary Farm as a kid and I have not been back as an adult.

But it was a Halloween thing that we did for a while. And remember being terrified of it as a kid. How old are we talking about? Like eight or ten? Yeah, that sounds about right. And really being blown away by the low-budgetness of Not Scary Farm.

Like, I do... Universal Studios has a Halloween Horror Nights and they really go all out. And, you know, there's a level of professionalism there. There's a lot of, like,

live-action zombies that will touch you, right? Yeah, exactly. And they look like they have been, you know, they're not exactly movie-ready, but pretty close. Right.

And the Not Scary Farm employees are all just the guy who works the churro stand in a clown mask. They're good though. I mean, you know, I'm not from here. It was quite – I like that they just come at you out of the fog and they're scary not because they're a zombie but because they are a dude in a mask who is an unknown quantity. Yeah. Coming at you quite fast.

I guess if you don't – you're not like here is a undead creature but here is i'm fine with like an actual like yeah a ucb guy who's here's a failure that lives in ventura i did find myself faking it at several points just to like get away from them like oh no that's so you've done your job you can now uh you can now leave yeah shriek. But yeah, all of the costumes did seem to be something you could get at Party City. Yeah. I don't know. I was – I went to a – the only time I've ever been to Knott's Berry Farm was for a wedding.

And the whole time I'm there, I was just thinking like, huh, Knott's Berry Farm, huh? Because it's not Disneyland. Huh. Knott's Berry Farm, huh? Because it's not Disneyland. Like, if it was Disneyland, I'd think, certainly this isn't the choice that I would make. But you picked the top of the heap for that thing that you have chosen. Knott's Berry Farm.

Who likes Knott's Berry Farm so much that they're going to get married there? It's a theme park based on peanuts and jam. I think what Knott's Berry Farm has, and I think this is also what Six Flags has. We can broaden this out to include Six Flags. Fried chicken. They kept talking about how much they loved the fried chicken at Knott's Berry Farm. Oh, I remember getting that fried chicken as a kid. Yeah, I liked that fried chicken. I ate the fried chicken.

I mean it was like Popeye's. Sure. I mean, I like Popeye's okay too, but I had Spectacular. What is it again? Spooktacular. That's the one. I had Spooktacular chicken fries for my lunch today. It came in a little box that had an undead Grim Reaper

chicken on them. From Burger King. And I don't want to unpick that too much as to what the chicken Grim Reaper gets up to. But I liked that they put the effort in. Yeah, sure. I think when you are at an amusement park that is in such close vicinity to Disneyland where you could choose to go to Disneyland or you could choose to go to Knott's or Six Flags, I think what they have is just really fucking scary roller coasters really like

knotsberry farm yeah yeah we went on one and it was pretty fucking scary i would have assumed that six flags would be where you would go for the uh roller yeah i think i think knotsberry farm has some similar extreme thrill rides but think about the most important day of your life like like oh this wedding was a mistake i mistake. I'm not defending the wedding. I was, like, imagining, like, if these people lived in the Bay Area, would they get married at Marine World Africa USA? Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Like, it's not about Marine World Africa USA is the worst.

They got an orca there. Mm-hmm. I think. Did you ask about the symbolism? Was it their first date, their first kiss? I feel like I didn't want to ask because it would have come out wrong. Did she get finger banged on the log flume? In my – like you would try and say it.

Probably she got finger banged on the log flume. You would attempt to say it like, so is there something special to you about Knott's Berry Farm? And that's why you chose it? Like that's what you would try to say. And that's why you chose it? Like, that's what you would try to say. But then no matter how you put it in your head, it would come out like, you're getting married at Knott's Berry Farm? You know what I mean?

Sure. Yeah, the question why would just hang in the air. Why any of this? I think what you would have to do would be to grab your forehead, place a palm on your forehead and pull it up like, you know, when someone does a Jack Nicholson impression. And then say it like that so your brow doesn't dip down into the condescending zone. That, by the way, is like a stand-up boom, 80s stand-up boom, like comedy bit. Sure. It's like, hey, guys, what if Jack Nicholson asked his wife's friends from law school why they were getting married? Right.

I think it would sound a little bit like this. Yeah, yeah. Give it a grab. That was me slapping my forehead. Give it a tug. Give it a tug up. Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

Not Scary Farm. If I had any idea that Elvira was in Not Scary Farm, I'd be there with you. I actually come to you. It was fun. It's lovely. Elvira's cool as shit. I've never had Elvira was in Not Scary Farm, I'd be there with you. I'd actually come to you. It was fun. It's lovely. Elvira's cool as shit. I've never had Elvira. I always want to have Elvira

on Bullseye for a Halloween episode. Oh. It's been a long time since we've done a Halloween episode. Sure. I feel like Elvira's like the natural choice. Having heard her,

you know, could have been, could have been, I mean, not to backseat quarterback, but it could have been tying into her Not Scary Farm appearances. I know.

I know. I fucked up. I mean, there. I know. I fucked up. I mean, there's no doubt that I fucked up. Yeah. It's always next to you. On the plus side, I mean, I had my wedding at a church. So does Elvira appear out of character? Like, Sarah, as the big Elvira fan, you would probably know.

Does she do interviews talking about? Do you know what? She does a lot. And weirdly, you see her advertisers doing, like, Comic-Con or those kind of things. One day she'll be Cassandra Peterson, and one day she'll be Elvira. And the other interesting thing on top of that, very interesting thing, is that she did porn as Cassandra Peterson. Oh, my. But wouldn't do it as Elvira.

So you can see her nipples on the internet if you want to. I've never looked because I'm an Elvira fan. And I feel like if she doesn't want the characters— That's exercising a lot of self-control. When you say see her nipples, I mean, are you talking about full-on— She did Penthouse or something. Okay, so nudity, but not— I don't know because I'm not a fan.

When you say porn, I assume that she did, like, penetration. No, I think— Like a nude photo shoot. Tasteful nude, but 70s, pubic hair involved. Full bush. Full bush, yes, exactly. A mighty bush. I never looked for it. But she wouldn't do that to Elvira, the character.

She said that she wouldn't do it as Elvira because she had so many kids as fans, which as I think in the 90s I was a kid as a fan, I probably would have appreciated that. You know, it's the same thing with Dame Edna and Barry Humphreys. Barry Humphreys did it. The full nude in the 70s I was a kid as a fan I probably would have appreciated that. You know it's the same thing with Dame Edna and Barry Humphreys. Barry Humphreys did it full nude in the 70s. But he would not do full nudity as Dame Edna. Yeah sure. The elderly Australian housewife. Superstar.

Yeah. Well we'll be back in just a second with more Day Meditalk. I'm Jordan Jessico. Hey, everyone. We're the Flophouse, one of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun Podcasting Network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin.

What is the Flophouse, you may very well ask? We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying, one, we've been doing this show for over seven years, long before the entire premise of our show was a cliché. And two, shut up. Sick burn. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast. A podcast about words that sound like other words.

A podcast about me singing long, irritating songs like this one. A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie. Or discussions about sex tarps. Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out. And talking about ding-dongs. That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today or visit MaximumFun.org to follow the show.

The Flophouse! Woo! It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse. What detective? Sarah Morgan. Satchmo.

Hey, we got something up on the Jumbotron this week, Jordan. It looks like it's post-modern book. By the way, I think Satchmo is someone else's nickname. I don't know. No, hers is short for Satchel Mouth. Yeah. Right. But, I mean, it seems like it's most associated.

Like people are going to get confused. They're going to wonder why her voice isn't raspier, why she's not inventing jazz or singing It's a Wonderful World. Right. I mean, that's my biggest concern about the nickname Satchmo. Okay. Do I need to come up with an original one? I mean, I'm not going to say you have to, Sarah. How about just change it a little bit to Sasquatch?

Just a little tweak. Sure. Postmodem, it's called. Postmodem, the interwebs explained on the Jumbotron this week. It's a satirical history of the internet which spins common misconceptions about the net as truth

through the lens of an overenthusiastic newbie with a perceived handle on all things internet. The book will be released on November 17th and features interviews with several inter-notables, including JJ's own Jordan Morris. That's you. That's me. As well as a telegram-based appearance from Michaux's Dipson and Dobson.

Oh, good. Anything Dipson-Dobson, I think, is something that our audience needs to support. So it seems like this is going to be chock full of inside jokes to Jordan Jesse Go. Postmodembook.com is where you can go to preorder it. Postmodembook. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron and share your message with Jordan Jesse Go's audience. It's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go, send an email to Teresa at MaximumFun.org. Hey, Jordan, I am on tour right now.

Let's hear it. Let's hear about it. Let's hear about it. I'm about to be on tour. Let's see. I'm about to be on tour. On November 13th, I'm in Los Angeles uh who do we got in los angeles william h macy hey i'm doing bullseye by the way that's a get npr show we got the great bill macy we got

a chicano batman rock and roll band chicano awesome great uh great band uh we got baron vaughn hilarious stand-up comedian and more dot dot dot more you say and more. Hmm. Dot, dot, dot. More, you say. And more. Mm-hmm. And then we're headed to the East Coast, Boston, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Brooklyn, New York City. And I'm doing a Make Your Thing in Manhattan with Judge John Hodgman. Hey. Of MaximumFun.org.

Guests include, over there on the East Coast, Barney Frank, Funny Congressman, Barney Frank. Who else have we got over there? We got the head of the Mutter Museum, Museum of Medical Oddities, going to throw some medical oddities at me and watch me get grossed out. We got Ray Suarez, one of my broadcasting heroes from Al Jazeera America, formerly of the NewsHour

and Talk of the Nation. We got Tavi Gevinson, founder of Rookie Magazine, an all-around super cool lady. We got, oh boy, I hope this is confirmed in time for this to come out, David Cross. Hey. In New York. We got all kinds of amazing people. Dan Deacon in D.C., just recently on Jordan Jesse Go. Every show, comedy, music,

interviews, it is all super cool. BullseyeTour.com is where you can buy your tickets. And please do buy your tickets. People are like, hey, can you come to Chicago? I'm like, yeah, let's sell some tickets for New York City. New York City, let's make it happen. Washington D.C., let's make it happen. Above all, Los Angeles.

Let's get this going, Los Angeles. Bill Macy. Who knows? Felicity Huffman might be backstage. Seems likely that Felicity Huffman might be backstage. Seems like you'll have more fun in the audience knowing that Felicity Huffman's backstage. Come on. How could you not have fun if you're thinking about Felicity Huffman backstage?

Elegant, funny. Sure. Gifted actress. Dramatic and comic. Does it all yeah okay bullsightour.com we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go

it's Jordan and Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne the mango man Jordan Morse boy detective Sarah Morgan Sasquatch apparently hey listen when something momentous La, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the Mango Man. Jordan Morsboy, Detective. Sarah Morgan, Sasquatch, apparently. Hey, listen, when something momentous happens to you, like you finally get with the program and get your own goddamn nickname,

not just steal it. My nickname, by the way, is the Iron Horse. It's a nickname for Lou Gehrig or also trains. Yeah. Just the train. What they would call a train in the old West days. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't steal from trains. Right. I don't know. I mean, what has trains got to lose anymore? You know what I mean? Sure. I'm probably helping trains. Now you're getting the word out about trains.

Yeah. A lot of people think the trains don't exist anymore, but they're still around. It's true. Moving freight, mostly. Mm-hmm. They say that if you stay the night in Janis Joplin's hotel room, you can still hear a lonely train. A ghost train. Chugging along.

Yeah. Plus you got the Pacific Starliner. All those. All those trains. Yeah. Pacific Starliner. All those. All those trains.

Yeah. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN to share it with us for a momentous occasion. Let's hear our first momentous occasion this week. Brian Fernandez, producer and married man. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Caleb Cullen from Seattle. I'm a professional window washer,

and this morning I was doing the inside windows of this really sweet, cute, old, gray-haired lesbian couple. Really nice house. One of them, while I was washing the living room windows, one of them had to leave, go to work, or whatever. And after I hear the door shut the lady who was still home came and asked me if i would mind if she put on some music and i said no of course not she leaves the room and a minute later i hear just blasting from the other room I want to sex you up by Color Me Bad, followed by nonstop 80s and 90s pop music played at probably dangerous noise levels. So, yeah, a little unexpected, a little awesome, and very momentous.

Love the show. Bye. Wow. Is this just a mix that she had? How many women's rights meetings, women with a Y, have been called to order by Black Street's No Diggity? I love that. That's the forbidden music. Yeah. Only at home.

My wife. Closed doors. Yeah. My wife can't stand New Jack Swing, but I just live for it. Yeah, right. When she's, you know, when they're having book club or something like that, it has to be all, you know, Tooth and Throat singing and bird song. Yeah. But when the cat's away.

The other cat shows up. Yeah. The other cat. Yeah. Yeah. The other cat puts on Montel Jordan. She just goes to town with the thong song while a window cleaner watches. It was really Penthouse Forum. I loved it. Yeah. I mean, maybe that was a secret invitation.

Awesome. Yeah. Maybe that was a secret invitation. Awesome. Yeah. I guess it makes sense that there's a – I guess I was surprised that there's a cleaner who just does home windows. When I hear professional window cleaner, I think of like the guy on the side of a building. Yeah.

But I think he's – because he specifically mentioned the inside windows. So I think he must do both sides. Oh, sure. I wasn't saying it's weird that what part of the glass he, I'm saying that it's strange that this is a home, a residential home that he's cleaning the windows for. It's possible that this another bad creation woman also does both sides, if you know what I'm saying. Sure, sure.

Ideally. Okay. Let's see our next call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and our guest. I just witnessed a momentous occasion out here in Michigan. I was at a Wendy's drive-thru, and

a very inebriated woman was trying to place an order at Wendy's, taking god-awful amounts of time, as you might do if inebriated. And while in the middle of a sentence, all you hear out of the drive-thru speaker is, oh my God, lady, shut up.

The lady promptly replied, you dick. To which the manager who happened to be listening to the speaker promptly replied, oh my God, is my microphone on? So I thought that was pretty great. You guys have a good one out there. Yeah, sorry about that. Hey, you know.

That's a classic. You wanted a frosty, but the one with mix-ins and you were just having a hard time. I just wanted a place I could pour my Malibu. That's all. Big cups. I wouldn't get hassled on the street. You can't even drink on the street here. Charge me for a soda.

Just give me the empty cup. They don't get that at Wendy's. Oh, okay. Yeah, that sounds like a I'm maybe just my internet fake radar is going off a little bit. How does

this guy hear all this? I'm thinking about the proximity of a drive-thru. Have you ever tried to go through a drive-thru on a bicycle? No, I never have. I did once, and they would not serve me. I'm sorry to hear that. They refused to serve me. They said something about pressure pads.

Oh. I was like, just give me a fucking, I just can't leave my bike outside because I don't have my lock with me. You know, just give me a burger. You know what it probably was? Italian chicken sandwich from Burger King. Might have been an Italian chicken sandwich. I mean, it is just that, like, if one teen does it, the other teens are going to see.

The next thing you know, you got scooters, you got rollerblades coming through the drive-thru. I mean, I guess it's just a, you know, it's a slippery slope argument. You got those things that Chris Brown likes to ride through airports. Yeah, sure. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. Is that a roto twat? The thing you stand on?

Yeah, a roto twat. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah, one of those deals. Platform doohickeys, yeah. I think it's just, yeah, I mean, it's just this thing where, you know, you serve one teen on a non-car piece of transportation. You got to serve them all. Also, it becomes aspirational for tweens.

I think that's another problem. Sure, yeah. I mean, they look up to teens. What does a tween want to be more than a teen? Yeah. That's why tweens watch shows about teens. Sure. Aspirational.

That's why babies watch shows about tweens. That's why sperm watch it now. Watch shows about babies. Yeah, I mean, this is all very logical. Guys, this glint in my eye is loving the sperm show. Weirdly, my grandma loves the glint in your eye. It's a circle. Oh, so old people just like to look at sperm.

I actually read an interview with Elton John. He said that's what the song The Circle of Life is actually about. That old person looking at sperm. Grandmas and sperm. Weird that they bought it for The Lion King, but, you know, paycheck to paycheck. They changed the lyrics a little bit around, you know. Sure, yeah. Mr. Rice got in there.

What's that guy called? Tim Rice. Tim Rice. Yeah, Tim Rice got in there what's that guy called tim rice yeah tim rice got in there he's like he's like elton i think he's pretty much just uh he's like elton i'm just gonna i'm just gonna change a couple things here just mainly for just you know dot the t's cross the i's gonna add a few commas and take out all the references to jizzing on an old woman. Crosses out sperm. He writes in Simba from The Lion King. Sure. That's what Hakuna Matata means.

The glint of sperm in an old lady's eye. Jesus. Is it grandmas in general or your grandma specifically? It's just my grandma. She's just completing the circle. Right.

It's the same thing with my grandma. Only my grandma's dead. Oh. Next call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I am just calling in with a momentous occasion. I made a trade with a stranger online. Can you pause this, Brian?

Can you pause this show, please? Can you pause this? I love this. I want to hear more about online trading. This is just an FYI. Anybody out there who's done some online trading. And I don't want to hear about purchases or auctions or anything like that. I'm talking about swaps.

Sure. I meet you at a place. I bring a thing. You bring a thing. We give them to each other. Don't you ever, do you ever, have you ever bought something

on Craigslist and it says like $500 or dot, dot, dot, question mark? Sure. I always want, like what do they want? Like a Camaro?

I did, I did, I did, I did, I've done this once. It was in college. Uh-huh. I traded a walk for tickets to

Six Flags Great America. And it was great. That's not true, did you read? Yeah, totally. I drove out to this woman's house, I gave her my walk,

she gave me two tickets to Six Flags Great America. What did the ad say? And I went. Two tickets to Great America for dot, dot, dot, question mark? I think I put up the walk with dot, dot, dot.

I was hoping I would get some 420 out of the deal. Right. Was it a dope walk? I don't remember too much about the walk. How did it come into your possession? I think this, how did I get this walk? Because I certainly don't do a lot of traditional Chinese cooking at my house. Now that I think about it, I was down on Pacific Avenue when I sucked this guy off.

Yeah. So he gave me the wok. It all started with a blowjob. And one red paperclip. Yeah. I think this was just a situation of – exactly. The viral sensation. the viral sensation I think this is just a situation

where you go home from college and your mom gives you some stuff right I got you some stuff my grandma used to give me speaking of my grandma so many hotel soaps oh yeah sure

she was part of the generation that hoarded hotel soaps and then wasn't sure what to give their grandchildren. Dry soap, yeah. You know what's nice in a wok? Not just Chinese cooking. Kale. Kale.

Flash-fried kale. Lee and Perrin's Worcestershire sauce. I meant to bring you a bottle, and I forgot, and I'm very sorry, but I'll post you a bottle. We have Lee and Perrin's Worcestershire sauce. You have Worcestershire sauce here? Yeah. But you can't even say it properly in this country. Worcestershire?

Worchester. Yeah, exactly. It's a great way to add umami to almost any dish. Fucking everything. Because it's fermented. But particularly with kale. Delicious. In a wok.

It's nice on kale. Gorgeous with kale. Put anything else in there? You put some malt vinegar? I would maybe put on some garlic granules. Granulated? Yeah, granulated. Not fresh garlic?

No, no, because it's dry, and then it gets a little bit smoky when you're in the fat. Delicious. This all sounds really good. I feel like I want my fucking wok back now. Do you think I could call this woman? Give a sponsor. Tell her you got two tickets to a wedding at Marine World Africa. Yeah. Oh, man. You got two tickets to a wedding at Marine World Africa USA. Yeah.

Oh, man. What if... Oh, we haven't even heard this call yet. She's done a trade on the internet. But hold on. You know who gets married at Marine World Africa USA? Two penguins. That would be cute.

They mate for life. So it's a meaningful commitment to them. Not to other animals who just fuck whatever, but to a penguin, that means something. And they have little tuxedos already. Or to dolphins who are serial rapists. Oh my. That's my understanding about dolphins.

It's probably true. They grab things with their dongs? I think that's something. I think you're the pre-ensile penis monkey. Go ahead, Brian. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I am just calling in with a momentous occasion. I made a trade with a stranger online where I agreed to go to his backyard when he was not there

and leave him a bottle of rum in his barbecue in exchange for a raccoon skull. So yesterday I went to his backyard, his gate was indeed open, and found said barbecue, but there was no raccoon skull in there. There was only his sash of weed. I hope you're having a good day, and thank you very much. 420 friendly. Yeah, this is like, I don't know what state this was in, I hope you're having a good day, and thank you very much. 420 friendly. Yeah, this is like, I don't know what state this was in, but this could be like the economy report in Florida.

And now financial minute for the entire Tampa area. Public radio in Jacksonville. Yeah. It's just this woman having some confusion about a raccoon skull. Did this guy think the woman was trying to buy weed and like raccoon skull is code? Is that a strain of weed? Yeah. Funny names.

Is it possible that raccoon skull is cockney rhyming slang? Raccoon skull. Hull. Bull. Hull. Bull. Null. Adult. 420 friendly. Raccoon skull.

Pack a bull. Yeah. 420 friendly. 420 friendly. Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's... New album by Adele. No. It's called Hello.

It's called Hello, sure. Yeah. Yeah, boy. God. Why the fuck are you doing this, lady? I'd understand wanting weed more than a skull, but I want to know more about the skull. That's not that cool of a skull.

Let's be clear. If you're getting skulls, I wouldn't trade antelope. I think you gather skulls. You gather skulls. Right. You take your little basket. You take your little wicker basket and you go out into the skull fields. All you got to do is go to a garbage can at night with a baseball bat if you want a raccoon skull.

Sure. Well, I mean, I guess you got to take off the skin. You got to soak it in lye or something like that. What? You don't have one of those maggot pits in your backyard? I don't. I'm sorry. For cleaning bones?

Yeah, Jesse, I have an apartment. You're a homeowner. Got it. You have space for things like maggot pits and above ground pools. And barbecues. I have a space issue. Weed barbecues? Yeah. Do you think he was, you think it's possible he was smoking his weed?

Not smoking his weed, but like, you know, low and slow? Oh, sure. Yeah, right. Yeah, you gotta, right. Yeah. So he was at a concert and then just pulled out a raccoon skull and lit the end. Whoa. Oh, fuck. I switched them, dude.

Here's what I think happened. I think a man who trades. Jordan, why don't you still go out on auditions for stoner number one? You just hit a home run there. Yeah, no, I know. Okay, well, if anybody needs a stoner who doesn't have a name but is in a group of other stoners, give me a call.

Give me a call. Give my managers a call. Doesn't have to be Sandra Bullock calling, but it helps. Yeah, that would be nice. I think this guy is one of these types of men who does a lot of non-traditional business deals online. He's a man.

He's probably got his hand and his finger in a lot of pies. Sure. He does a little – he sells skulls. Yeah. Deals a little weed. Yeah. Get down tonight. Sorry.

Sell a little weed. Yeah. Get down tonight. Sell a little skull. Smoke a little weed. Get down tonight. And I think that he probably just got his transactions mixed up. I bet the barbecue is his place where he leaves shit. Yeah. That's his go-to with whatever it is. It's a good non-traditional hiding place. Yeah. Under a plastic rock or whatever. Yeah. That's his go-to with whatever it is, whether it's- It's a good non-traditional hiding place.

Yeah. Under a plastic rock or whatever. Yeah. So yeah, I bet what happened was that he was selling someone else weed. He just had mixed up the days. Instead of putting the raccoon skull there, he put the weed. I was at the Long Beach flea market a couple months ago buying records from a record dealer. Great record dealer.

It was a $3 record dealer, and just had a pile of like Rick James albums that I didn't have. It's a great record to buy for $3, Rick James album. Gap Band, another good $3 record. And I said to the guy,

oh, you know, I was talking to him about, you know, where he sells and stuff like that and I'm like, so I ended up talking to him

about how he got into the business and he goes, yeah, you know, I used to sell rocks. And I'm like, really? You know, he said, I used to be a rock man. He said, I used to be a rock man. And I said, how'd you get into that? And he said, oh, you know, a friend of mine had this rock store and she died. So you know how it is. Yeah. You take up the mantle. Yeah, you know,

somebody drops the baton, you got to pick it up. Sure, it's like when a robin dies. Got to get a new one. It's like Baby Boom, but with rocks instead of a baby.

Yeah. I think this is the sort of man. This is the sort of man who just, he does what he needs to do to survive. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that's an admirable man. Mm-hmm. I like a resourceful person. Mm-hmm. This is the sort of man who just does what he needs to do to survive. Yeah. I think that's an admirable man. Mm-hmm. I like a resourceful person. Mm-hmm. This is basically how my mom operates, by the way. Mm-hmm. If you're wondering, like, what's my mom up to right now, buying something weird and selling it for more than she bought it for.

Hmm. My mom was a college professor. Yeah. Now she's basically a junk man. She's good at it, though. Would you know where to get a raccoon skull? Oh, my mom's got raccoon skulls. Oh, wow.

Okay. Already on hand. My mom doesn't have a raccoon skull. My mom's got a raccoon skull. Fair enough. Know that, Jordan. Like, does she have a few, like, pre-Columbian Mayan artifacts? Yeah, sure.

That, too. Mm-hmm. But? Raccoon skulls. Yeah. Yeah, my mom's got some fox tails. Mm-hmm. Big. My mom just sent me a fox the other day.

Oh, nice. Like a stuffed one. No, it was the hide, but mounted with the head. So it was like, if you imagine, a polar bear rug. Oh, lovely. But it was a little fox. Like you'd wear as a shawl. I wouldn't, but I mean, you could. You could wear it as a shawl. I could put it on. I mean, it would be it was a little fox. Like you'd wear as a shawl. I wouldn't, but I mean, you could.

You could wear it as a stall. I could put it on. I mean, it would be more of a cape. I don't think it would. It's a really weird superhero. Yeah, I mean, it was not. Dead fox man. Dead fox woman.

Dead fox woman, yeah. Although, you know, gender is a spectrum. Or just the dead fox. Yeah. You don't need to fox no need to gender it and you know what I say if a black woman plays it in the movie that's better

if Paul Feig saver of all women decides to reboot he says it's free to be funny thank you Paul Feig he's great I fucking love Paul Feig he's amazing I was watching and enjoying Spy at the gym this morning so there you go Thank you, Paul Feig. He's great. I fucking love Paul Feig. I love that he set women for it to be funny. He's amazing.

He's a wonderful human being. I was watching and enjoying Spy at the gym this morning, so there you go. I watched that on the plane on the way over, but I fell asleep. Fun story. I send eBay auctions for cool canes to Paul Feig sometimes because he collects canes. Anyway, if he reboots the Dead Fox. Sure, yeah. With some women, that's all for the good. We'll be back in just a second dead fox. Sure, yeah. With some women, that's all for the good.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, grandfather's favorite genre of movies, talking dog movies. Yeah. I hired him yesterday. Hey, that's great. He's coming to, what's he going to be doing? Just, you know, just miscellaneous shit. Sure. You know,

he goes to college right now, but I hired him, you know, part-time. I was like, well, we needed a part-time person to help out with stuff.

Sure. And I was like, I wonder if that Christian from the talking dog movies would do it. I sent him an email. He's like, yeah, that sounds great.

There you go. He's a talented artist. You should have him draw some little cartoons or something. I know. He's a very talented guy. Yeah, he's going to nursing school. Oh, great. Yeah, I'm going to learn to be a nurse.

Help people. Sure. Well, it'll help if someone has a negative reaction to a bee sting. That, by the way, if you're wondering what is the job, what is the way to get a job at Maximum Fun Headquarters, you really got to bring it in a momentous occasion call specifically. Oh, yeah. It doesn't matter. You don't have to have a resume.

You don't have to have applied for the job. You just have to have the greatest momentous occasion ever and then come in and seem really nice. And is the job title just Office Enthusiast? Yeah, exactly. Nice fella. Yeah. Nice guy.

Love it. Sarah Morgan. Hello. Head writer of International Waters. It's been... Co-writer. Co-head writer with the great Asterios Kokonos. Wonderful Asterios Kokonos.

I thought you were head writer and Asterios was your sidekick. We take it in turns. It's a democracy. Asterios Kokonos. I thought you were head writer and Asterios was your sidekick. We take it in turns. It's a democracy. Asterios is fun too, huh? He's a fucking nightmare of a man. No, he's wonderful. Wonderful human being. Yeah.

But I do feel slight competition with him whenever we're on the show. One of us is on the show. Which one of us will be most beloved? He will. He will be most beloved. Well, it's because he's so active on the Reddit. Sure. Yeah. Got to get more active on Reddit if it's because he's so active on the Reddit. Sure. Yeah. Gotta get more

active on Reddit if you want. If you were active on the Reddit, seriously, Lothreaper could basically write... Right now, there's probably a post on Reddit that's full sonnet form. You know, the right number of syllables and everything. It's just about how much Lothreaper

loves Asterios. Yeah. He is very lovable. And then Rich Tackler was like,reeper loves Asterios. Yeah. Yeah, he is very lovable. And then Rich Tackler was like, want to have an Asterios sonnet off? Oh, boy. That's what's going on on the Max1 Reddit right now. Got intense.

Asterios love fest. Yeah. It's great. He's great. What's going on on international waters these days? What's the big news? Oh, gosh.

I'm trying to think of the most recent episode I was on. So apologies for that big news? Oh, gosh. I'm trying to think of the most recent episode I was on. So apologies for that. Sure. Yeah. With the lovely James Backman

from Transformers. Oh. That was good. Yeah. We're just really enjoying. It's a really fun show to write.

And Dave Holmes is just wonderful. And I'm so glad we got rid of the last host and the other last writer we had on the show.

Good boy. good boy. Dragging it down, dragging it. Now it's free to spread its wings. Yeah, it's just, it's a fucking lovely show. And thank you for everyone who donates towards Max Fun. We're not meant to thank people now, are we? But yes, I'll thank anyone who's donated to Max Fun and said they like International Waters. Because it's, yeah, keeps the lights on.

We love it. It's a delightful program, international pop culture quiz show that is actually more of a pop culture joke show. Yeah. I mean, there's a quiz there. Yeah. It's based very much on the British panel show format, which is not something that's come over here very much. You have a kind of similar version without Midnight, which I think is a little bit more structured than the way we do panel shows back home, but probably the closest thing in tone.

Hollywood Squares. Hollywood, yeah. Joe Cantor's come first. Hollywood Squares is what we tell the guests as a kind of reference point, because we know Americans get very competitive. They like to jump in with the right answer, and we like to just go around the houses, show your workings. Plus, we also have Charo on a lot. So those are the two similarities between our show and Hollywood Squares. Charo's on a lot. But if you like QI

and Have I Got News For You and Would I Lie To You and a lot of those panel shows that I think BBC America shows, then you will very much enjoy International Waters, I think. If you don't know what those are, you will still enjoy International Waters. Hey, how about this? I know I've alluded to it enjoy international waters, I think. If you don't know what those are, you will still enjoy international waters. Hey, how about this? Yeah.

I know I've alluded to it already on the show, but this is the first time Brian's been sitting on the other side of the glass, our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, since his wedding. Yeah. He's now Mrs. Fernandez. Congratulations, Brian.

Congratulations to Brian and his beautiful wife, Lauren. Married. I'm not trying to brag, but I got them some bowls. Yay. You know, I think they deserve it. Sure.

Nice bowls, too. You know what? These guys did not register at Ikea, okay? These guys said, what we need is some nice bowls. You know, we're both successful professionals, but that doesn't mean we can run out and buy a whole shitload of bowls. We need a big money benefactor. We need a billionaire to run our super PAC.

And that's me. I'm a billionaire. I got them all the bowls they wanted. Nice. I said, can you get them half the bowls they wanted? I said, no, sir. No, sir. I'm going all the bowls they wanted. Nice. I said, I can get them half the bowls they wanted? I said, no, sir. No, sir. I'm going all the way.

And I'll get them a silicon trivet. Nice. Check it out. What a wonderful way to start married life. I just said, let's throw in that trivet. You know what I mean? Nobody else is going to buy that trivet. Granted, did I wait to buy anything for them until literally the day of their wedding?

Yes. But, you know, that's how I know what holes needed filling. They had a bowl hole. Sure. I packed that bowl. Stick it in, they said. Yeah. Stick it in the bowl hole.

Anyway, congratulations to Brian and Lauren. May they have many years of happiness together. Oh, hey, I have a plug as well. Oh, please. That maybe is missing a key piece of information that I don't have. Sure. If anybody out there is familiar with the website Rooster Teeth, our buddy

Colton Dunn has a new streaming talk show on that thing. I've done a little bit of writing for it. I'm going to be on it from time to time. It's called the Rooster Teeth Entertainment Center. Colton's basically the funniest dude around. He's real funny. And yeah, knows a ton about video games so he's a great guy for this uh i don't really know how to watch it i think you have to

be a subscriber to their premium what have you but uh definitely if you if you are already a fan of the rooster teeth teeth stuff uh you can watch colton show and i'll be on it too so i know there's a watch i know the enjoyment in the jordan jesse go the Jordan Jesse Go audience there was already a lot of fans of the video game show that the two of you worked on together Game Shop. Oh sure.

And I'm sure there's a lot of Colton Dunn fans in general because he's one of the funniest dudes. Yeah. That sounds like a great time to me.

It's a blast. It's a totally a fun show. He's great so yeah go over to that roosterteeth.com and figure out how to watch it. Yeah.

Figure it out. Yeah. You're enterprising. You know what? You're probably internet savvy. Sure. Honestly, we're not tech savvy. No.

The honest truth is we are not tech savvy individuals. I couldn't listen to this podcast if I wanted to. I had to call my grandson to ask him how to surf the internet yesterday. That's how it is. That's how it is in our family. That's what Brian's job is. Brian's a tech-savvy millennial. I'm a boomer. That's cool.

Apparently you can get a free 30-day trial if you go there. Boom. Go there. Watch the show. It's a lot of fun. That's it. RoosterTeeth.com. And if you're in Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Washington, D.C., Bullseitour.com, this is going to be a fucking blast and a half. This is the first time we've ever done a big tour like this.

And I am super proud of the shit that we have put together. Not least of which is that video that we talked about years ago where someone put on my pants and green screened themselves upside down to watch me running around. There was a lot of demand to see it. I said, you're going to have to go to the live shows. These are the live shows I was talking about. Boom. Go see them. BullseyeTour.com. Brian Fernandez on the boards. Hashtag it JJ

Go on Twitter. A lot of fun. Hashtag JJ Goes. A lot of Veruca Salt corrections headed towards Ted Cruz last week on the show, goes. A lot of Veruca Salt corrections headed towards Ted Cruz last week on the show, Jordan. A lot of Veruca Salt corrections. Well, it's good that they're going to Ted Cruz and not to you. You know what? I also got a nice tweet from somebody who told me that he went and checked out Dan Deacon and he felt like it was life-changingly good.

Oh, yeah. Dan Deacon's the best. The brilliant music of Dan Deacon. And go to the Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com, the world's friendliest Reddit. Literally so friendly, this week there was a civil discussion of race. A civil discussion of race in America where people listen to each other. It was truly spectacular. Maximumfun.reddit.com.

And, of course, on Facebook, I'm at Jesse Thorne on Twitter. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. Are you on Twitter, Sarah? I am. I'm at Sarah L. Morgan. At Sarah L. Morgan. With a spooky Halloween name, obviously. Yeah.

So check that out, and we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye. Bye. So check that out, and we'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. Bye.