Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 403: Erotic Martial Arts with Glen Weldon

Episode Date: November 16, 2015

Glen Weldon from NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Glen's trip to Los Angeles, the Waterworld stunt show at Universal Studios, and of course the erotic martial arts.  Plus, Jesse has another update for the Eyes and Nose Light Universe wiki.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. The program is Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm one of the two hosts, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Hi, I'm Jordan Morris, another one of the hosts. Great news, we've got an exciting 75 minutes or so of nonsense planned for you. Just pure nonsense. This is. Sure. Just pure nonsense. This is the show that delivers pure nonsense.

The way that you started the show, I thought maybe we were gearing this towards ESL people. Like this is an aid to learn to speak English. Did you know that? Hello, I am hosting now. Did you know that I'm an ESL celebrity? No, I didn't know that. Not only did I once record for a Craigslist gig an English language exam for Japanese ESL students, I also have licensed Bullseye episodes to a Japanese ESL magazine. Now, how you – you know, that proves you've done work in the field of ESL. You specifically said celebrity.

Now, I just want to know how that's manifesting itself. Handjobs. Oh. Yeah. From people from around the world. Well, just people who don't speak English. Right, yeah. Which is confusing.

Or who are new to English. Yeah, but I mean, I'm, but you know, it's like you take what you can get. Sure. You know what I mean? Sure. Look, guys, I'm married. You guys know what I'm talking about. So if you want to get a...

I have a random Filipino handjob. Sexually satiated. It's not an issue for me. Hey, I wanted to share something with you, Jordan, before we bring our guest onto the program. Please. And this is also something I think a lot of listeners will be interested in. Is this something that's inappropriate for our guest? We can bring him in.

Well, I mean, I just want to know. I mean, if this is inappropriate, I should mention that our guest is a six-year-old. I mean, maybe if it's, you know, something of a mature nature, we should leave him out of it. But if you think he's old enough, and if you think he's ready, then maybe we should bring him in. Our guest on this week's program is a

celebrated author. He's also one of the co-hosts of NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour, Glenn Weldon. Hi, Glenn. Hey, guys. Not six. Not actually six. I did just make a boom boom. That's neither here nor there. Sure. Don't worry. We'll swap your daddy.

Good. So, big news. Yeah. Big news. A lot of fans out there have been writing to me looking for updates about the Eyes and nose light. Eyes and nose like, Glenn, if you don't know. Oh, I know.

Okay. It's a street lamp that my son is afraid of. And I think he's really afraid of it now. I can't tell. You thought it might be a goof before. He was trying to bring you into some sort of imagination scenario. Sometimes it seems like a goof and other times it doesn't. But I think as his mind becomes more capable of concrete thought, he's been solidifying.

So you're saying it's kind of hard to discern his intent, kind of like the recent work of Shia LaBeouf? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. He may just be in the thrall of some Svengali. Right. Or on some sort of mescaline or something. Yeah, there's a lot of possibilities.

Does your son have a man bun like Shia LaBeouf? Yeah. Oh, cool. Do your children not have man buns? No, my children keep it high and tight. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, they're army children.

Oh, okay. I mean, by army children, I mean child soldiers. Really? Your children are child soldiers. It's like, I don't mean to pry here, but is that because you spent so much of your junior year abroad in those war zones? Those like perpetual conflict zones, I mean. Yeah, and I don't want to give off the impression that they're beholden to any particular side or way of thinking. They are soldiers of fortune. They are, yeah.

Now, how do we address you as a warlord? Does that make you a warlord? Oh, no, just daddy. I would like you guys to call me daddy, as they do. And I'm not, like, I don't have an ideology that I'm pushing with them. This is just about the money for you? Yeah, I just kind of manage them. Oh, like you're a Svengali.

Yeah, well, I mean, more like a, God, who's the Kardashians' mom? Oh, Kris. Kris Jenner. Kris Jenner. I'm kind of a momager. Okay. But it's a daddyger i'm more like beyonce's dad i do these seminars like in hotel ballrooms oh yeah on how to race beyonce yeah so yeah that's just kind of like if if a warlord needs child soldiers for you know i don't know whatever whatever they use them for them for. Not my business. I just, I will negotiate their rate.

Uh-huh. And, uh. Volume, volume, volume. Yeah, right. That's why you keep prices so low. Location, location, location. Okay, also, one of those three things. Volume, location, volume, location, volume, location.

ABC. Always be close. There we go. Exactly, sure. And time to lean, time to clean. Yeah. When you're in a war zone. Sure. Yeah, so basically, I just, I Yeah. When you're in a war zone. Sure.

Yeah. So basically I just kind of help them usher off to the next conflict. Do you want to hear the update about the eyes and nose? What are we talking about? Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sure. So this is just a quick update, but I'm sure I would like to have someone add this to the wiki. Someone did create the wiki, but it has not yet been populated. Okay. This is something Simon told me maybe two days ago.

The eyes and nose light got hurt, but he couldn't go to the hospital because they don't allow streetlights at the hospitals. That's your eyes and nose light update for this week. Eyes and nose light got hurt, but he couldn't go to the hospital because they don't allow streetlights at the hospital. And a searing indictment of our health care system. That's true. It's going to start a protest. Thanks, Obama. That's awesome.

You have an activist on your hands. Yeah. And this Eyes and Nose Light universe just keeps expanding, right? There are just more characters in this. Yeah, I don't think I've talked very much about Basketball Light, have I? Yes. I have addressed Basketball Light. Basketball Light's been sort of on the move.

Sometimes he fights with eyes and nose light, but a lot of times he's eyes and nose light's friend. You know, if you want to solve this and make a kid not be scared anymore, all you got to do is reboot this universe. All you got to do is make him smoke an entire street light. Yeah. So are you suggesting a reboot of the eyes and nose Light universe that is maybe a little bit hipper? Yeah, sure. A little bit more. Trying to reach those new readers, you know.

Sure. Got to keep rebooting and rebooting because, you know, you got to make it appealing to more people. Should I make Eyes and Nose Light a multi-ethnic teen? Sure. That's why you got the finger on the pulse there, Jesse. Thank you. Thank you very much. Well, we've got Glenn Weldon here. Sure. That's why you got the finger on the pulse there, Jesse. Thank you. Thank you very much. Well, we've got Glenn Weldon here.

Sure. We've got a great show coming up. Yeah, and the last time I was here, it was a non-canonical episode because, Jesse, you weren't here. Oh, yeah. It's nice to officially welcome you into the universe. Into the 616 universe. Absolutely. welcome you into the universe. Into the 616 universe, absolutely. And, you know,

I'm not going to say, I go back with the show, I've talked to both of you about how far back I go back to the show, back to your wedding, Jesse, back to Donks, back to the taco trucks, back to Ashcon. Ashkezy, the Persian R. Kelly. Exactly. And I'm not going to say that I'd keep an extensive

Excel spreadsheet about this show. Yeah, that'd be crazy. And I'm not going to say that I'd keep like an extensive Excel spreadsheet about this show. Yeah, that would be crazy. And keep episodes and file my notes. But if I did, the non-canonical episodes, different tab. You would just put them in a different tab. That makes sense. Not better tab, not worse tab, just a different tab. Just a different tab.

Yeah, yeah. Similarly, episodes like this one where you have a non-comed worse tab, just a different tab. Similarly, episodes like this one, where you have a non-comedian as a guest, different tab. Oh, you would put that on a different tab. I would put that on a different tab. Susan Orlean, Mary Roach. The Elizabeth Gilberts. Yes, all those people, I would

say, just a different tab. So you, this is interesting then, so maybe you yourself... I'm a two-tabber. Are you the only guest to appear in two-tabs? I don't know that. I'm going to have to link it back to you on that. Old two-tab welding.

That's like me when I'm dropping acid because I've got such a high tolerance. Do you have like a macro to handle that, two-tab situations? I do. I do. It's just I don't know anything about Excel. I don't know what a macro is. Yeah, I mean, that's a problem with this.

Jordan, can you clarify for us? Well, I mean, I'm more qualified to speak about the world of child soldier management. It's been a long time since I've taken a look at your resume.

I mean, it was when I was 19 and you were 18. But I do remember Microsoft Office proficiency being high on your skills. So I'm going to have to ask you to explain macros. Yeah. I'll do it later. Yeah.

And if you could do it as a little tiny paper clip, that would make it easier for me to understand. Sure. That would be kind of fun, a clippy costume for when I have to explain computers. That is nice. Do you think there – I mean, I'll answer my own question. Yes, there is. But what do you think the erotic drawings of Clippy are like online? Where is his dick?

He's definitely fucking Sonic the Hedgehog. Well, yeah, sure. And he's got those blinky eyes, so I guess they'd just be like narrowed with lust. Yeah, oh, sure. He wouldn't be blinking at you. It would be a subtle. He would be ogling you. Okay.

I think he would be. Do you think he gets it on with Mavis Beacon or Carmen Sandiego? I think he sucks off Microsoft Bob. Who's Microsoft Bob? I don't know. It was like an operating system that looked like the inside of your house. Oh. Maybe it looked like the inside of your office.

There was, like, a desk. I remember there was a desk in Microsoft Bob. Uh- house. Oh. Maybe it looked like the inside of your office. There was like a desk. I remember there was a desk in Microsoft Bob. Uh-huh. Okay. Look, we have a lot of more fun talk about Microsoft products coming up later in the program.

Windows for work groups. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Hi, I'm Mark. And I'm Hal. And we're the hosts of We Got This. The show that offers definitive answers to dumb debates that you suggest. Every Wednesday, we discuss the hot button topics you never knew you cared so much about. Like whether you should put ketchup on a hot dog.

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We got this. We got this. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Glenn, two tabs welding. Double tabbing it over there. Yeah. Two tab. That's how my child soldiers kill people.

Two taps. Oh, really? Yeah. One in the heart, one in the brain. There you go. Swift, efficient. What kind of like a Krav Maga? Yeah, just like a little.

Oh, no. These are two taps with a gun. I mean, they do have hand-to-hand combat skills. Uh-huh. But, I mean, I would say that their specialty is sniping from a tight place. Uh-huh. Like a vent that a six-year-old can fit into. Oh, okay.

So, if you are engaging in sort of dense urban warfare, dense urban child warfare. You're going to want to bring them in for snipes and – Double taps. And some Krav Maga if necessary. Hand-to-hand combat. Yeah, but that's high risk. What about jujitsu? Yeah.

I mean, sure. I mean, they're trained in a lot of the deadly arts. Can any of them- Capoeira? A Capoeira. No, and that's just for show. That's just to fucking get laid at Burning Man, which I want them to do. I want that for them down the line, but I don't-

Right now, they should focus on murdering. You have books and dreams. That's good. You're a good father. Yeah, thank you. I don't want to like- I just don't want them to get sidetracked with like- School. Yeah, or I was going to say erotic martial arts, which I consider capoeira.

So how would you rank the martial arts in terms of eroticism? Oh, sure. Like if you talk about, for example, Jeet Kune Do. Okay. Well, I'll start at the top. Most erotic. Taekwondo. Sure.

It's all about kicks. And you know I love them nasty feet. You boys know I love them nasty feet. You boys know I love them nasty feet. Get them in my face. Give them hooves. That's why I'm such good friends with Quentin Tarantino. Yeah. You're in QT.

Yeah. Go out. Look for those fine ladies in flip-flops. Show me them nasty feet. Flippy flaps. Flippy flaps. Flippy flaps. Show me them flippy flaps Flip-flap, flip-flap, flip-flap. Show me them flippy flaps, ladies.

So Taekwondo, number one. Number two, capoeira. Because of its dance moves. Sure. Right. And then all the rest. So really, how would you characterize the level of eroticism of all the rest, Jordan? Medium.

Out of ten. Not erotic. Six. Because you're showing off your body. You're touching. You're striking, which can be erotic. Where does ripping out somebody's heart and showing it to them before they die fall in this schema? Not my thing, but if that's your jam, you know, go for it. Who am I to judge?

There's a great subreddit for that yeah don't worry calima play they call it and in spanish corazon sure right yes sure glenn how's southern california treating you oh hey uh just out here for some day job stuff but uh you want my hot take you want my my Alexis to Tocqueville in America? Wow. Are you going to Bill Bryson us here? I am. Notes from a sunburnt region. I am Oscar Wilde and I have visited the States. This is what I have come away with.

Billboard is kind of a big thing here. Yeah. Like a lot. Like you guys know that billboards aren't a thing anywhere else. Like unless you're driving to or from south of the border on I-95, then it's a big thing. But, man, they're just every... Yeah. I noticed that in the early days of Twitter, making a joke about a funny billboard wouldn't

go over well. Yeah. I'm like, come on. Isn't this crammed down your guys' throat? It's impossible to avoid. It's impossible to avoid. I mean, like, it's like everything is Times Square. Have you seen any favorites?

Any favorite billboards? Not so much. I mean, there's background noise. I mean, I did see one for a show I love called Crazy Ex—oh, not my—called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Sure. Which just has—because it's not doing well. It just made it seem kind of desolate and doomed, you know? It just made it seem like we really believed in this show once.

We think it's going to happen. We think it's going to happen for Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. What the hell else is the CW up to? Yeah. Yeah. It should exist in the DC universe. I think that. Really?

That could help it. Yeah. Maybe her power is song. Sure. Yeah. Songstress. Yes. Maybe she summons, you know, woodland creatures as she sings.

Maybe that's a thing she could do. Yeah. That she summons, you know, woodland creatures as she sings. Maybe that's a thing she could do. Yeah, that's an easy, that's an easy season two drop in. And you don't have to even talk about it a lot.

You can just, you know, you can just mention Gotham every once in a while. Like, oh, let's take a trip

to Gotham. Nah. Too expensive. Don't want to buy those plane tickets. And then it's, boom, it's in the DC universe.

There's also Mockingjay Billboard where she's, you know,jay billboard where she's pulling back the arrow. And there's flames going behind her. And the flames are animated, but she isn't. So what's that for? What are you doing? You think, yeah, the, oh, we had a really fun time. I just, I hope for you, Glenn, that you can come back and visit sometime during Minion season.

Oh, God. for you, Glenn, that you can come back and visit sometime during Minion season. Oh, God. When the next Minion-related thing comes out because, oh, boy, do they do it up with the Minion billboards. There are Minions on one billboard and they have slung a rope to a second billboard over a Burger King and they're like gorilla crawling over the rope. It's really amazing. Oh, okay.

And certain buildings become Minions. Well, you know, there's a long history of the interactive billboard. As I was talking about South of the Border, which is this amusement park on the corner,

on the border of North and South Carolina, which is Mexican-themed. And... This sounds troublesome. Hugely racist. I can't... Hugely racist.

Sounds like a concern to me. What? And the mascot is a guy named Pedro. Okay. And he's got a guy named Pedro. Okay. And he's got a sombrero and blanket. And there used to be just incredibly racist billboards. And the thing is to get the kids angling to stop at south of the border for the day.

So it's all – and they're like barma-shave sides. They're just all over I-95 as you get closer and closer to each one. Sure. To it from another direction. And the ones that were nakedly racist, like, depicted Pedro up there doing incredibly racist things, they've gone away because cooler heads. But they're still, like, dumb puns, like, the weather, it's off the border, chilly today, hot tamale, like that kind of thing. Okay, sure, sure. The problem is you can't read a dumb pun like that without hearing the Speedy Gonzales voice in your head.

Sure. So it's like crypto racist. Yeah. Yeah, sure. They can back away from it, but yeah. What does one do south of the border? Does it have rides? Rides.

I think it's got a casino maybe. It's got a hotel. Wow. Yeah. It's a ski ball. Pretty much everything. Yeah. It's a ski ball. Pretty much everything you need. Have you guys been to – I went to a place in Pennsylvania or something. I don't know.

I don't know where the fuck I was. One of those. It was like the world's most enormous sort of ski chalet. Wow. Beautiful Monterey Lodge? On an absurd scale. It was sort of like if you crossed a log cabin with, I don't know if a super Home Depot, a super Kmart.

Let's just say a combination of super Kmart and a log cabin. And then inside there was a water park. Okay. That's something I've seen. Yeah. America. In Pennsylvania, there is an advertisement on the television when I was growing up for a place called Beautiful Monterey Lodge, which sounds a lot like that. And they would constantly show it.

And it was just, you know, just people in ski chalets. But the big thing was there was a champagne. There was a hot tub in the shape of a champagne glass that you would just, you know. Fucking? For fucking. Mostly for the fucking. How, that seems like it would be. Fun. Fun.

I was going to say problematic logistically. Yeah. It's actually raised above the floor. So, like, the bottom of it is, you know, you have to walk underneath it. And then I think you climb into it, which just is because, I mean, you're drunk. That's the only way you go there. Yeah. It's actually raised above the floor. So like the bottom of it is, you know, you have to walk underneath it. And then I think you climb into it, which just is because, I mean, you're drunk. That's the only way you go there. Yeah.

Right. Really drunk. And then there's also, they also have one that's shaped like a Jaeger bomb. Sure. Right. Where you sit in a small hot tub and then you are dropped into a larger hot tub. Yeah. And then chugged by a giant.

Yeah. It's just one way ticket to heart attacks. Everybody there are all red-faced and just it's not a good thing. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. The scrapple state. Do you make it back to Pennsylvania? I go up to see mom every so often. She's in Kennett Square, the world, the number one place for mushrooms in the world.

Number one. Yeah, Kennett Square. Not hallucinogenic mushrooms. Not hallucinogenic. Just button. Just good old pizza topping mushrooms. And it's not like anything because all they are, you just build a mushroom house and you shove a lot of shit in it and then you grow some mushrooms.

But that's the economy. Wait a minute. There's a mushroom museum? It's a whole thing. Hold on. Hold on. You said that as though that was like as though every American school child in second grade when they're learning – just like just after you learn about the French and Indian War or whatever, you learn about building a mushroom house and shoving shit into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like as though that's knowledge that we all – on its face, is self-evident to us. They're shaped like Quonset huts, except they're made of concrete. And when you are in Kennett Square and the wind is northwest, you can tell that you are amid a lot of shit. It's pungent. Where do the— Okay. Let's get into this here for a second. Good.

Where— Hit me. Do the mushrooms grow inside of the... A Quonset hut, that's like a corrugated steel small warehouse, right? Mm-hmm. That's roughly what that is. It's got a semicircle. It's got a, yeah, semicircle above the ground, sort of a long cylinder.

Right. Half of a long cylinder. Right. Yes. And, yeah, it's just, there's a hell of a lot of these places and they grow a lot of mushrooms. Where does the stuff – where do the mushrooms grow in? Like in the ground. They just dump a lot of shit into the mushroom houses.

Yeah. They grow in the dark, in the moist dark. There's no lights in there. Well, I mean, for the mushroom workers. You mean the gnomes and elves? The Oompa Loompas. Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm imagining a race of tiny people that work these things. Jordan, have some respect

for working people. They're called shroomers. Oh, excuse me. It's a proud history. It's one of the things you learn about in second grade if you go to school in Pennsylvania. So it's just a poop pile. Brian, did you go to school in Pennsylvania. So it's just a poop pile. Brian, did you go to school in Pennsylvania? Yeah, Brian, do you know about mushroom houses? Is that something you know about, Brian?

He says no. Brian doesn't know anything about mushroom houses. He went to school in Pennsylvania. Different side of Pennsylvania, though. The less shitty side, literally. Are these affiliated with the Amish in any way? They're not. Okay? They're not. Okay.

They're not. Kennett Square is not quite in Lancaster. It's not quite on the main line. It's just on its own little tiny crossroads. What's their relationship to Scrapple? I bet a lot of the migrant workers who work the mushrooms go back and at the end of the long, hard day, they get a nice tall Scrapple cocktail and knock it back. I'm headed to Philadelphia. I'm going to eat some Scrapple. You should. That's my plan. Scrapple's good. I tall Scrapple cocktail. Knock it back. I'm headed to Philadelphia. I'm going to

eat some Scrapple. You should. That's my plan. Scrapple's good. I like Scrapple. Okay. You're anti. Let's agree to disagree. We're talking about the sausage dish and not the ice cream topping, right? It's things that are rejected from hot dogs. So? It's also

corn. There's corn in there too. That's wholesome yeah but see when I was a kid that's the power behind Coca-Cola the all American beverage yes of course but see I didn't realize

it was corn when I was a kid I thought they were like nails fingernails or what not cartilage so that stays with you and I haven't you didn't tell me

at some point as a curious child you didn't clip your nails sweep them into a little pile and then when mom wasn't looking dump them in your mouth come child, you didn't clip your nails, sweep them into a little pile, and then when mom wasn't looking, dump them in your mouth? Come on, you guys didn't? I can't say that I did that.

I will say this. As a child, I clipped my nails, swept them into a little pile, killed my pet pig, took some of its brains, mashed it up with the nails, fried it up, and then gave it a taste. How is scrapple served as a loaf, as a pile? Took some of its brains. There you go. Mashed it up with the nails. Oh, sure. Fried it up and then gave it a taste. How is scrapple served as a loaf? As a pile? Yeah, it's a slab. Yeah, a slab, exactly. Sure. It's a rectangular patty.

Okay. Yeah, most times. And then you pour syrup over it. Hmm. It's a syrupy meat product. If you imagine one of those little pumpernickel loaves or something, but only it's made of half corn, half pig miscellany. Am I wrong in thinking there's also a dessert topping that is called scrapple? I think you are.

Is it like a – That would sound right to me. Like jimmies? It could be the same thing. It could be people putting pig brains on ice cream. Getting a drink from the bubbler? Mm-hmm. Yeah. There youler. Yeah.

There you go. Nope. Tell us more stories of Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Mr. Weldon? Well, when I was a kid, we'd go into Philadelphia pretty much every weekend and walk. When I was a kid, a teen, when I was a surly teen, we'd walk up and down South Street in Philadelphia and go into a store called Zipperhead where you could buy punk rock t-shirts and you could get a store-bought Anarchy t-shirt, which was a thing you could take to school to show that you were tough.

Is Zipperhead still open? I don't know. I really doubt it. Because, I mean, you know, there are other places to get your Doc Martens right now. Did you ever visit the ghost of Benjamin Franklin's house? I did visit the ghost of Benjamin, where you can kind of look down into where he used to be. Yeah, there's like a, as I recall, I mean, Jordan, you went,

we went together that one time, right? What I remember most vividly about Philadelphia, besides the vibrant art scene and so on and so forth, is this ghost house, like someone, they tore down Benjamin Franklin's house, but then they cleared the land and put up like the outline of the house. Like someone, they tore down Benjamin Franklin's house. But then they cleared the land and put up like the outline of the house. So you would know that Benjamin. And then they built a weird underground museum.

And the weird underground museum's main features were a bank of rotary telephones that you could use to call world leaders of the past. Really? Yeah. I don't see why you're confused by this. And like a roughly one-yard square diorama of the Continental Congress that was animated. Yep. So you could look at it from any point, and there was a sound sound that played and then lights would turn on to whoever was talking. Like a spotlight would go down on your John Hancock or whatever.

Yeah, on your hand. We call it the Hall of Presidents effect. Yeah. Yeah. And it is a beautiful museum experience. Speaking of the Hall of Presidents. Sure. Have you guys seen all this stuff about

Disneyland adding just a ton of Star Wars shit? No. They're just going to add a ton of Star Wars shit to Disneyland. Yeah, well, they bought Star Wars. Yeah, you've got to cram the Star Wars shit in there. Do you think we're going to start to see Star Wars characters in the Hall of Presidents?

Like, will we get a small speech from Grand Moff Tarkin? Oh, that'd be great. That'd be great. Yeah. You could have the Senator Palpatine. Yeah, sure. He's a senator.

He's a senator. Right. And you got a queen. You got a couple queens. You got a princess. Sure. You got, yeah, statespeople. I'd like there to be a general keep-em-guessing theme.

Yeah. With any historical thing going on at disneyland so you know how like i don't know if i i went to disneyland not that long ago with my children and and went on it's a small world and i didn't i maybe i didn't notice this i haven't been to disneyland in like 10 years but uh they got all the disney movies they like worked them into it's a small world oh really I didn't know that. Yeah, you see you're rolling through Louisiana land, and you see the frog from Disneyland's Disney's Frog Princess, or whatever it was called.

Did it take you out of it? Well, I mean, I feel like the Treasure Planet part did. It's some of their lesser movies yeah did you become more i guess i should say do you did you become less tolerant of other cultures because of it yeah i did i mean i to be fair i'm pretty racist baseline sure i mean i'm not gonna say i'm like i'm like 80% of Trump. Okay. Like 80% of Trump. Like I want to build a wall between our country and other countries, but I would be okay with like some ethnically themed murals.

Okay. And maybe a trip once in a while to South of the Border Town. Oh, of course. Just for some family fun. I actually live at South of the border town. Oh, well, of course. Just for some family fun. I actually live at south of the border town. Oh, okay. I created it. You, Donald Trump.

Yeah, because of my passion for chilaquiles. Sure. It's a breakfast dish. It's interesting you bring up the treasure planet effect. I think as, you know, I'm sure if you look around Disneyland, you can see references to failed movies and failed franchises. As crazy as that gets, it will never be as bonkers as the fact that there is still a Waterworld stunt show at Universal Studios. No, there's not. There's absolutely.

You can still go to see a Waterworld stunt show. In 2015 now? With references to the characters and the movie. Yeah, we could go after this. Waterworld came out like in the 90s, right? Yeah. It did. And was a failure.

But you can still go and they still- I remember going to see Waterworld and thinking that wasn't that bad. Yeah, I also remember that as a kid. I remember this is a terrible movie chatter and then liking it, but also being nine. And I think I just like the anti-smoking message. Sure. Do you think that they just invested in water stunts, water-related, like a tank?

Yeah. We need to kind of populate this, and until we do another water epic? Yeah, right. Until the Wet and the Furious comes out. Until the Wet and the Furious. I mean, I think it's only a matter of time before that franchise takes to the sea. Water World? Fast and Furious. Yeah, sure. Get some cigarette boats. Yeah, right. How about that? matter of time before that franchise takes to the sea water world oh fast and furious yeah yeah

sure get some cigarette boats yeah right that you know how about you know what they don't even need to take it to the city just take it to the boat show right yeah sure that's my money and if it diesels there it's also going to be a gun show you got it that's nice but yeah the the water world stunt show they still do the plot of the movie they're like they're like here he comes it's the mariner and then like everyone's talking about when the Mariner gets here, how cool it's going to be. And there's still a guy doing a Dennis. There's like a guy who is a stuntman when he's not doing this, doing a weird Dennis Hopper impression as the leader of the smokers. And they play out the plot of the movie in a jet ski explosion-filled extravaganza.

What's the plot of the movie? I remember there's jar peeing. Yeah, there's recycling your pee. They're looking for dry land. Okay. A mythical, and the mariner comes to town. And I know this because I've recently watched the Waterworld Stunt Show. Okay.

Mariner comes to... Now, in the film, the mariner was played by Jay Buhner. Legendary Mariner's right fielder, Jay Buhner. Actually, Ken Griffey Jr. Okay, Ken Griffey Jr., got it. Plays the Mariner. And he brings a bag of dirt. Can I just, can I go back?

Sure. In the film, the Mariner is played by Mark Langston. There we go. Yes, sure. That's more fun. Brings a bag of dirt. He says he knows where dry land is. He's got a map.

I think it's a tattoo on someone's back. Yes. A little girl, yes. Oh, yeah. Maybe that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then people are fighting for possession of this little girl. What other things do they have?

I've never been there. Mm-hmm. Universal Studios, they have a Jurassic Park ride that is not as cool as you would like it to be. Uh-huh. It does have a pretty cool T-Rex at the end. Sure. And they have a Speed 2 thing that kind of trades off with the Waterworld. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. A Speed 2 experience. Wait. It's not just an overall speed? No. Because Speed 2 was on a boat. Oh. So I guess it would be hard to justify story-wise.

Exactly. Going from a ride where you're on a speeding bus to being on a speeding boat. Right. Right. You have to call it nuts. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, Jordan, our friend, past Jordan Jesse Gohlet guest, Stefan Lawrence, who's married to Biz, the host of One Bad Mother. Stefan is a theme park designer. They just announced his theme park. I mean, it's not his personal theme park. It's his theme park. It's called Never Never Land. It's in the California desert.

It's called 20th Century Fox Land. Oh, yeah. It's in Dubai. Right, Dubai. But I feel like 20th Century Foxland is such a garbage name. It's a little on the nose. I'm not impugning. I don't think Stefan named it, and he's probably doing some amazing work.

But, yeah, I think it's like Universal Studios. Like, I guess the name Universal kind of means something. It kind of conjures up Hollywood in a way. But it's like Universal Studios, like I guess the name Universal kind of means something. It kind of conjures up Hollywood in a way. But it's not Universal Studios land. I think the land is where you're really objecting to. Yeah, it's really just like, and the other thing is sort of, this is how I feel about putting Star Wars shit in Disneyland. It's like Disneyland at least sort of has a theme, which is like- Imagination?

It's a land of imagination. Hope. Churros? Unnecessary, very small lights. Yeah. It's like children's animated entertainment. You know, Disney is the- it's of a piece. All the Disney things's of a piece.

All the Disney things are of a piece to a certain extent. Yeah, Frontierland never made sense to me. It just kind of sticks out there. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. What do they have in Frontierland? Oh, just – this is Disney World. I haven't been to Disneyland.

But Frontierland, they have the Golden Horseshoe Review and they got some kind of – Big Thunder Mountain. Big Thunder Mountain. It's the getaway. It's a log flume. All kinds of wagon wheel themed entertainment. I think Splash Mountain, the log flume that is themed old time racism. I think that is in – what land is that in? Bear Land.

That might be in New Orleans land. There's also a New Orleansleans land by the way that's weird uh there are disneyland is such a pile of stuff sure they're really that's that's one argument in favor of having a star wars area at disneyland why not sure there's a tom sawyer area yeah i think it just it's been around so, it's like kids are just into different shit. Yeah. Now, are they going to shoehorn Star Wars stuff into the Tomorrowland park? Because they shouldn't.

Because why? Because Star Wars happened. A long time ago. A long time ago. And Tomorrowland is the future. They're making an entire Star Wars land. I think so. I think Star Wars land is coming sometime in, you know, the mega future. But I think for now, because Star Wars mania is upon us, they are, you know, preemptively

cramming Star Wars shit where it was not before. Oh, like a 20th century Fox land. Yeah. There's a Titanic ride, isn't there? Yeah. So I was looking at a picture of it and they got this whole Simpsons land, right? Oh, they have that at Universal Studios. It is super cool. And then they got like a Titanic thingons land, right? Oh, they have that at Universal Studios. It is super cool.

And then they got like a Titanic thing or whatever. Just like different shit. They're just like, what's the most famous 20th century Fox shit? Yeah. And that, like, I kind of feel like if I'm going to go do a thing, like, what could be more different than Titanic land and Simpsons land? Sure. Like, why is my loyalty supposed to be to a film conglomerate? Right. Sure, but you have to apply that same logic to Universal Studios then, right?

Because there's King Kong and there's Jaws. I've never been to Universal Studios. I think you would have the same problem. I think, yeah, I think that Universal Studios has a, like, this is Hollywood. You know, you are, you know, you do the backlot tour and you can see this is the building where they shot this. You see the psycho house. I think it's, I think their, their old slogan, ride the movies is pretty.

Snort cocaine off a hooker. Right. Sure. Exactly. Step on Michael Bay's balls. That's right. Can I ask you a serious question about. Hang out with Quentin Tarantino and look at some nasty feats.

Show me them nasty feats, ladies. Jordan, can I ask you a serious question about- Hang out with Quentin Tarantino and look at some nasty feats. Show me them nasty feats, ladies. Jordan, can I ask you a sincere question about being on- Have you ever been on a movie lot, Glenn? Okay, so this one's going to be for you, Jordan, because I think you have. Sure. When you're on a movie lot, which I'm on movie lots infrequently, but once every couple months. I go there for a screening or something like that. Sure.

But, you know, once every couple months I go there for a screening or something like that. Do you find yourself consumed by the thought that you should be pulling the plug out of the wall for the electric golf carts and then driving through all the sets like in Pee Wee's Big Adventure? Yeah. I don't want to create a ruckus. Right. I mean, you know, I know you're a known mischief maker yeah well i have my i have my band of merry mischief prankster quite a scamp i i more want to blend in it is my instinct to pull a wardrobe rack with uh centurion outfits and just go about my business but always be pulling

this guy's supposed to be here. He's in charge of those Centurion costumes. Not an imposter. Yeah. He's not here to masturbate on the walls of a Disney Stars trailer. What theme park would you like to go to, Jordan? Oh. If you could make your own theme park.

I will say that. Of course, for me, it's MLB All-Star Weekend. Sure. For, well. The total fan experience. So Universal Studios does have a Simpsons Land now. Uh-huh. It's pretty fucking close to coming out of my brain.

You can hang out at Moe's. Mm-hmm. And. Can you get beer there? You can get beers. You cannot get liquor. Okay. You can get a Duff.

There's three kinds of Duff. You can get Duff, Duff Light, Duff Dry. They brew them all there. So it's not just Miller Lite that they're calling Duff. Wow. This is a unique brew. And while you're sitting at the bar, the bartender will periodically get prank phone calls and yell out. Do they sell Laramie cigarettes?

Oh, God. I wish they would sell Laramie cigarettes. Yeah. I mean, just really go whole Laramie cigarettes? Oh, God. I wish they would sell Laramie cigarettes. Yeah. I mean, just really go whole hog. Yeah. There's Buzz Cola. You can eat it at Krusty Burger, which is kind of crummy but pretty high up there for theme park food.

Maybe one of the better theme park foods that I have had. So I am pretty happy with Simpsons World. Okay. It's a fun place to hang. What about you, Glenn? I was thinking about this just seconds ago. Tolkien world, I think. But I would bypass, you know, you can go to New Zealand and go to a little Hobbiton, and I don't want to spend any time in Hobbiton.

It just seems like a suburb, right? It just seems— I don't know anything about—I mean, I know that there is Lord of the Rings tourism that goes on in New Zealand, but I didn't know that there was a specific thing that people go to. Yeah, it's Hobbiton. They've kind of kept the set. Oh, my. The outdoor set that they created, and you can go in and you can go to the Prancing Pony or the Green Dragon or whatever the hell it is. And I would not go.

Don't pretend like you don't know. Anytime. Yeah, I kind of do. Say the actual name of the pub. I wouldn't go to Adarath where all the horse people are, because smell. I wouldn't go to Minas Tirith, because dirt. I would go to Lothlorien, because elves. Gay. I think that's

probably the locus of the gay community in Middle-earth. This is a theory that you, sir, have been working on since the age of ten. Well, I mean, if you remember the first film, when they first arrive

in Lorien, one guy comes out and says, we heard you coming from miles away. It's like, okay, I think we get it.

It's not explicitly canonical, but it's, yeah, okay. Also, Tinkling Lights, you know, kind of a diva, kind of runs it. It all makes sense. It all ties together for me.

Okay. Simpsons Land is really good, Jordan. Simpsons Land is pretty good, yeah. It definitely feels like, and it's got so many little references. They have an Aztec theater. They changed the Troy McClure movies that are on. Awesome. Yeah. references they have an aztec theater they change the troy mcclure movies that are on awesome uh yeah it's it's uh it's oh the gift shop out of bort license plates the gift shop is out of bort license plates my son's name is my son is also

i don't want to flare up a controversy but but we're kind of on the topic. Sure. So I saw this going around the internet today. Yes. And I think we should probably weigh in. It might be old news by Monday by the time this drops, but it's hot. Uh-huh. Do you guys think that BB-8 is a boy or a girl? What's BB-8?

BB-8 is the rolling droid from the new Star Wars movie. Okay, yeah. Can you picture this droid? I know the guy you're talking about. The guy. Interesting. So, yo, someone's already made their decision. Glenn, do you have a thought on the gender of BB-8?

People are genuinely debating this. And what about that super fast Ewok? What's that gender? Oh, boy. Well, he's a ball, right? He is, yeah. Ball. No, he looks like a regular Ewok.

He's a little sort of jagged ear. Oh, okay. Aesthetically, and he's super fast. I haven't seen him. He's from the Ewok Adventure. I think he only appears in the Ewok Adventure. He only appears in my vague memories of preschool. Sure, yeah.

I think. Maybe, as I said, because he's a ball and we have to kind of go with whole gonad sort of theme, I think if there was a droid that looked like a boob, I'd go probably girl. But I think it's very redundant. You think he's a testicle. I think he's a testicle, therefore dude. Interesting. Yeah. Jordan, do you have, I mean, it sounds like you've got a strong opinion on this.

Well, I mean, I think when I see BB-8. You don't see anything to suck off. Yeah, oh yeah. What am I going to put in my mouth? He ain't got no nasty feet. I think he... I'm going to take a third position, and that is that I think the way that

he locomotes, he rolls, I think he is a metaphor for the fluidity of gender. So I think he is a droid that exists between genders. Uh-huh. I'm not about to try and put him in a box. Right. And I don't think anybody else should either.

Yeah, I've read about that in New York Magazine. Sure. Yeah. About people putting droids into gendered boxes. Yeah. On college campuses specifically. Yeah. I think you should use whatever bathroom he wants to.

Mm-hmm. I think we should make a droid bathroom because I don't want to pee with no robot. Yeah. I don't want no robot looking at my crank. Yeah. He's going to try and crank it probably. There you go because it's right there. Because it's right there.

It's in his nature. Glenn, I was – Do you think that's what former Houston Astros slugger Lance Berkman was really worried about? About droids in the locker room? He kept saying it would be disturbed men going into women's rooms, but that was just a dog whistle way of saying there's going to be robots looking at your crane. Seems likely. Yeah. C-3PO, I wouldn't put it past him.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, maybe that even kind of answers my next question. I say you as a young sci-fi fan, you kind of – you felt like you noticed kind of coded gay language in Lord of the Rings. Is there anything like that in Star Wars? Well, you got 3PO. I mean, yeah. Okay, sure. That's pretty – I would say it's almost text.

Okay. He's English and, you know, there's – that blurs. But, no, I think it's clearly – he's just to a feat. He's a protocol droid for fuck's sake. I mean, you know. Does R2 have a gender? R2 seems the more butch of the two. Okay.

Yeah. But you think they're companions? I do. Okay. I do. That was the joke in the Mad Magazine. I wish I could remember the title of all these. Star Black.

Yes, probably. Black Wars. But the joke is, you see this scene of them walking away from the escape pod, and C-3PO says something like, take my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise, right? Sure. And R2 says, just my luck, I'm stuck here with a fag robot. Because it was 1970. Oh, no. That was 1970s.

Oh, no. In Mad Magazine. Mad Magazine. For children. No. Slurs for children. That's where I learned my hate. That's where I learned my hate. Sure. Direct was 1970s. In Mad Magazine? For children. No. Slurs for children. That's where I learned my hate. That's where I learned my hate.

Sure. Directed it inward. Oof. Talk about black, huh? See, I remember that clearly. Yeah. Like, that is, that is, yeah. When you said the 3PO line, I'm like, oh, that's even kind of sweet.

And then the other thing was awful. Yes. Yes. Oh, my. So maybe R2 is really internalized homophobia. The only thing. Maybe he just hates himself. Maybe it's a whole Brokeback thing.

Yeah, yeah. Could be. He's down low. Yep, yep. That makes sense. He's literally down low, but also. It's possible he's out among the other robots on that spaceship full of robots that he's on at one point. Yeah.

Remember that? It's like a spaceship full of robots. Sure. They all look like garbage cans. Yeah. Yep. They were in Garbage Can Guys. Mm-hmm.

Hey, can I tell you guys an idea I had a little earlier? Oh, can I say the one thing that I remember from Mad Magazine as a child? It was less upsetting. Yeah. Okay. I remember their Full House parody. Oh. And Stephanie Tanner was Step On Me Tanner.

Oh, I see. And I Tanner was Step On Me Tanner. Oh, see. And I feel like I cried laughing at that. Anyway, that's like my one core Mad Magazine memory. Yeah. Anyway, I don't think it makes up for the R2 thing, which is awful. Anyway, Jesse. Just I had this fleeting thought, which is the Houston Astros great, whose name most resembles the name of a robot who would look at your crank, is Craig Biggio.

There we go. Oh, sure. Craig Biggio. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Glenn Weldon, rootsy songstress. Oh, really? Do you guys read every person? Like a Mary Gauchet? Do you guys read every Twitter bio of people who follow you? I do. And one of the people, even the eggs I read. I don't have the time, Glenn. Yeah, I can imagine.

Said rootsy songstress, and I thought, well, that's not a thing you call yourself. That's not even a thing like – That should be a quote from Rolling Stone. Pitchfork or Rolling Stone. But Thompson, Stephen Thompson, he's an editor at NPR Music, and he has eliminated the word songstress. He just hates that word. He's using songster? That's right. Songst. It's just, it seems. He's using songster. That's right.

Songst. It's neutral. Songperson. Hey, speaking of Pennsylvania, I'm going on tour. I hope everyone will come see me. Washington, D.C., sold out. Philadelphia, sold out. Would you call yourself a rootsy interviewer?

Yeah, I would. Good. A few tickets left for Boston with Barney Frank and Mission of Burma. Great. Not a bad lineup. We just opened up some tickets. Brooklyn was sold out briefly, but we opened up a few more tickets. David Cross Aparna Nancharla Tavi Gevinson and a music actor

I don't remember who it is oh Pharoah Monch Pharoah Monch only my favorite rapper and we're doing

Make Your Thing in New York it's going to be me I'm going to do my talk about making independent media and we're going to do a Q&A

that's going to be led by television's David Reese John Hodgman has booked an acting job he won't do it talk about making independent media. We're going to do a Q&A that's going to be led by television's David Reese. John Hodgman has booked an acting job. He's not able to do it, but the great David Reese from the wonderful show on television

is doing it. I have a cold. My sentences are not coming together the way that I would like them to, but bullsightour.com. It's all this week. We just had an awesome show last night in LA. So many people came out out it was such a blast it was so cool uh chicano batman was totally rock the house it was great it was a blast so um come out it's gonna be fun you guys want to do momentous occasions i'd love to do that sure okay when something momentous happens to you the jordan jesse go listener we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. Best way to remember that,

put it in your phone right now, 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, guest. I think I just witnessed a pipe ring. It's just a little after dark, and I hear some clapping outside, and I think, well, that's interesting. Someone must be having a good time. And then as it's getting closer, I hear a little march played on a flute and I say, that's weird. I poke my head out, see a little kid, maybe five or six.

I think he's gathered up my entire neighborhood's worth of children. They're all kind of dancing around him and clapping, and they just go marching off into the darkness. Like I said, I think I just witnessed a Pied Pipering. Have a good day. Can a child Pied Piper other children? Yeah, I think that's the... I think you need to be a little more precise in your terminology there.

Could have been a tiny man. This is just a flute gang, I think. I think this is just a straight up flute gang. My favorite gang from the Warriors. Yeah, sure, sure, yeah. The tiny children. Yeah, very quickly killed by the baseball furies. Yes, exactly.

But they're fun. You know, you guys remember, you guys don't remember this, I'm just going to tell you about it. Sure. you guys don't remember this. I'm just going to tell you about it. Sure. You know how R. Kelly is a credibly alleged serial statutory rapist? Sure.

After all of that came out, after all that was at its peak, R. Kelly made this album called Happy People, You Saved Me, which was like one gospel album, one kind of Steppers album, sort of R&B, old school R&B flavored album. And he refers to himself as the Pied Piper of R&B on the album. And that seems like a bad name for him to choose. Sure. I've just been thinking about that a lot these last 15 years. Yeah. Like R. Kelly is not a slick dude. Sure. I've just been thinking about that a lot these last 15 years.

Yeah. Like, R. Kelly is not a slick dude. No. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, isn't there, speaking of shamed R&B songstresses, isn't that a Chris Brown thing of him being accused of beating and then doing a song that has the choruses? I think Chris Brown is trying to be edgy though oh okay

like I think R. Kelly just didn't think about it R. Kelly just didn't think of it he didn't think it through I think R. Kelly's just trying to say

that he's good at music sure whereas Chris Brown is a monster sure he's basically a garbage person yeah

not that R. Kelly isn't also a garbage person yeah it's just that wasn't an expression of his garbage it. It's like when Michael Jackson called himself the child molester of pop. Sure. There you go. It's just a name!

It's just a name. Okay, let's take another call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. My name is Eli. I'm a graphic designer and cat enthusiast from St. Louis. Today, I witnessed quite possibly the most momentous occasion I believe I will ever see. While waiting at a stoplight on my way home from work, I saw a man lounging on a mattress at a bus stop, which doesn't seem that weird, and it's not even the weirdest part of the story.

So the bus comes and opens the door. He takes some straps out of his bag, and I kid you not, he straps the mattress to the bike rack on the front of the bus. The bus driver made zero attempts to stop him and actually seemed pretty cool with it. The man got on the bus and drove off. The preparation that this man had clearly put into his travel leads me to believe that he had either planned this thoroughly or he had done it before. Thank you very much, and have a great day.

I have a question. Yeah. Does this call seem more to you like a TEDx talk or a moth story slam submission? I was getting some mothiness about it, too. Well, he had just come prepared. No, no, sure. And, you know, he's clearly a good student.

But, yes, it did have the cadence of a comical storytelling type of program i enjoyed it yeah i was i mean i saw it i too too this reminded me of two things i saw an amazing guy on the street on the way over here older guy i don't know specifically that he was homeless but i think he probably was but like keeping it together uh olderer guy, just broad daylight, sitting on the sidewalk, drinking a 40 of Miller Lite and playing with a remote control car. It was kind of, yeah, he's like, you know what? Remote control cars are fun. Yeah, it seemed really fun.

And the cat enthusiast part of his intro made me think about the kind of unpleasant experience I had today getting a new collar for my cat. What was the problem? Well, there's a lot of – I think I've spoken about the indignity of being the single male cat owner. Yeah. But you go to the dog section of the pet store. You got a lot of choices. You got a lot of collars based on what kind of vibe you want to give your

dog. Yeah. Like my dog's collars have Calvin peeing on a Ford Logan. Sure. Yeah. Because that's, because you're a Chevy man. Yeah. You're a Chevy man.

Yeah. And you want your dogs to reflect that. Silverado. My dog's Silverado and Nova. I had to get her new lice. You lost her collar. She got out for a day and lost her collar. She's fine.

Was just hanging around the yard, but collar got off. So I needed a new license as well or a new tag with my phone number. A lot of dog options. All the cat options have diamonds and crowns. All of them. And I just had to pick the least obnoxious sparkly collar and shaped tag. You could just get one that has crowns on it and get them to emboss king shit on there. Oh.

But the cat is a female cat, and she identifies as such. I'm not putting her into a box. I asked her what pronoun she preferred. You'll give her a box to play with, though, right? Oh, yeah, sure. Okay. Oh, yeah. She wants to sit in a box.

Yeah. Boy, howdy, there weren't a lot. Where do you go for masculine, or not even masculine, but just neutral cat products, I wonder? Fetish store. Yeah, sure. That's right. Get black vinyl. I just, yeah, get something that is for a smaller gimp.

Do you have something for a smaller gimp that could fit around a medium cat? Comes with a whip? Sure, yeah. If she gets on the couch. That's right. She gets a little whip. Do you have anything for cat play? By which I mean playing with one's cat.

Right. Not a fetish. Yeah. If you've got a momentous occasion for us, call us 206-9844-FUN or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the Cold Warrior. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Glenn Weldon, two tabs. Just went back to it. Just thought I liked it. It was making me feel comfortable, so I went back to it. Two tabs is a really good one. We want you to feel comfortable. Good. Glenn Weldon, you're...

If you have too many tabs, you can go to the chill-out zone. Exactly. Got some bananas for you. Get some vitamin C. Sure. We're expecting you at the Bullseye show at Studio One in Washington, D.C., but there's some talk that you may be having to do some paperwork for a cabin. We might be settling on a cabin outside of D.C. Do you have a cabin lifestyle?

Not right now, but we're going to develop one, and we're going to get a car so we can go out there to the cabin. Okay, so you don't have a car and you're buying a cabin? We have a car that would not get up the mountain, so we need a car that can. Okay, so what are... We're basically becoming lesbians. The short answer is what's happening. Well, they're made for life.

Yeah, that's true. I'm thinking of swans. Sorry. So what kind of... Are we talking about a snow situation? Yeah, we're talking about a snow situation. We're also talking about gravel roads and whatnot. Johnny Cakes?

It's going to get some Johnny Cakes. We're going to grill. We went out to see this cabin. We saw a bear loping up the side of the mountain about the size of you and me. The animal. The animal. Wow. Let's clarify.

Yeah, it was awesome. I don't know. You could be in a gay cabin community. That's true. It's true. That's probably something. There are gay enclaves out there somewhere, but I haven't found them yet. Just found this bear who had a stench.

Were you threatened by it? Nope. Okay. Nope, but it was awesome. It's very brave of you. Do you like nature? It doesn't necessarily like me, but I like... Especially when I'm Skeeters.

Oh, boy. Porch to look out on and hiking and whatnot. It's going to be an adjustment. Oh, yeah. Does your partner like nature stuff? Uh-huh. Husband? I'm looking at your left hand.

Husband? Does your husband like nature stuff? Yeah, but he also likes... This is a really major purchase you're going into, given how ambivalent you are about the entire lifestyle surrounding it, Glenn. Well, I mean, the thing is we've got a nice cabin that we're going to stay inside of and look out at the nature. Sure, read a book. Read a book. Got a wood-burning stove.

Yep. Put some wood in there. Put some wood in there. Now, you mentioned that you're going to grill. Yeah. Will you also be chilling? We will be grilling and chilling. Great.

I expect nothing less. We will endeavor to be illin'. Yes, I mean, ideally. What are you going to get, like a big brown dog? We have a big brown dog. Oh, great. So you're all set. Oh, you should have started with that.

Oh, we're going to take our big brown dog up to the cabin. He loves it out there. Did not like the bear. Bear freaked him the fuck out. Yeah, I believe it. They're natural enemies. Yeah. Nothing a bear hates more than a big brown dog.

Oh, yeah. He's like, give me a break. Yeah. I saw a – I was in Griffith Park today and saw a co-worker with his family. They had a big brown dog. Big brown dog, very excited to see a new person. Really fun. And I usually really enjoy petting a new dog.

But I think I really needed it today. I really needed it. Cat drama. Oh, boy. But this was after. So I was stressing out about having to get this new collar where I was going to go if they would have something that wouldn't make me look like a 90-year-old aunt. And instead of just petting the dog, I hugged the dog and said, I love you. I love you.

And then realized that this is the first time I had met this co-worker's family, the first time I had met this dog. Now I feel weird about seeing him on Monday. No, you're awesome. You won. It's great. Open-hearted. It's good.

I think it came off as unhinged. No. I think I just needed it, though. I think I, you know, maybe if I'm going to be raw here, which I know you guys like and the audience likes. I demand rawness. A little bit of a tough week. Bring me the real. A little bit of a tough week.

And I think I just needed to hug a dog and tell it that I loved it. But it was weird that it was in front of a co-worker who I'm pleasant with but not friends with and isn't whole family. Anyway. Did you see anything in the dog's eyes? Not necessarily reciprocation, but not friends with, and isn't whole family. Anyway. Did you see anything in the dog's eyes? Not necessarily reciprocation, but like a little bit of worry? Yeah, he pulled away. Pulled away. Yes, he was lustfully looking at me like Clippy, like Clippy with narrowed eyes and an erect

tongue. Prong? Tine. Let's go with Tine. Tine? Tine. Tine is good. I like Tine. His Prong. Tine. Let's go with tongue. Tine. Tine. Tine is good. I like tine.

His dick is a tine. Glenn, can I, I want to talk to you briefly about this, about this cabin thing here. Go ahead. So I've, my family has also been thinking about acquiring some sort of cabin home. Because we went on a vacation and it was so hard. We were just like, God, what if we just had a cabin we went to instead of going on vacation forever? And my wife's family all loves that stuff. They all want to come use the cabin.

So, you know, spread the financial burden a little bit. But here's my interest in the cabin. I don't care for nature especially. Here's my interest in the cabin. I don't care for nature especially. My two things that I'm interested in doing at the cabin is extended meal cooking. Just where at the end of it, just, like, lots of different people are, like, really grateful that I made spaghetti or whatever. Because, like, one nice thing about the cabin is you don't have to make a nice meal.

You can just make a pile of something. But if it's a nice thing, it's good. That's number one. But the main thing is interior design. My primary interest in acquiring a cabin is then to acquire Pendleton blankets, basically. So you're going to steer into the skid and get the giant stuffed bear and the antlers and the... Yeah. Well, here's the thing.

So I used to live in a kind of like a brown craftsman. Oh. You know, like everything was all brown and there was a lot of, you know, there was a big fireplace and stuff like that. And now all my taxidermy and my various trophies, all these things seem out of place. Right.

You know what I mean? And I bring them up to the cabin. Maybe get a ping pong table. Sure. This all sounds good. This all sounds like you've already made this decision. Pretty good. Where would it be outside of LA, though?

You go north. You can't go for an hour. If you go for an hour, you're buying an $800,000 cabin. But you go north towards the Sequoia National Forest. Oh, that makes sense. Somewhere up there. I've never been there before. I don't want to make that point.

Probably just buy some real estate, though. Yeah. Here, a place I've never been. Here's all my money. Every penny I have. Here's my retirement and my kid's college fund. Look, I've got the flannel. Just set me up.

Glenn, I'm glad you mentioned that. The outfits that I'm going to wear at this cabin. How are they different from your normal outfits? Which look like you're in a cabin. Woolier. They're woolier. Yeah, I mean, I live here in Los Angeles. I can't wear my woolier cabin garb.

Sure. I have to wear my woolier cabin garb. Sure. I have to wear my lighter weight cabin garb. Glenn, I'm glad that you're forging a path for people foolishly investing all their money in cabins who don't even really like nature that much. To be fair. It means a lot to me. To be fair. We've been going out with our friends to this neck of the woods, literally neck of the woods, for 10, 15 years. And we always thought if we find an A-frame that's on a mountain, we're going to do it.

And we found one. If you're looking for an A-frame, have you thought about just buying an old IHOP? Maybe there'll still be a stash of boysenberry syrup. There's a lot of Waffle Houses out there. Yeah, yeah. It's IHOP country. Or it's Waffle House country. Waffle House country. Okay, guys. We've had a lot of fun on Houses out there. Yeah, yeah. It's Waffle House country.

Okay, guys. We've had a lot of fun on this week's Jordan and Jesse Go. I've made it all the way through without losing my voice, which I'm very proud of. Glenn Weldon, of course, one of the co-hosts of the Pop Culture Happy Hour, one of our favorite podcasts, the spiritual mother of Pop Rocket, our own Pop Rocket, the home of some of our most beloved Pastor Jordan Jesse Go guests. I guess just Linda and Glenn so far. But, you know, we're going to— Yeah, fuck off, Stephen Thompson.

Who's great. I got to meet recently, and it was really fun. I told Stephen Thompson— What a lovely man. I told Stephen Thompson that it really meant a lot to me to read his writing in the A.V. Club when I was in high school. And I think it freaked him out. Sure. I think he got upset.

He doesn't get upset when he gets attention. Let me just put it that way. Okay. He was pleased. I'm sure. Okay. I admire Stephen Thompson very much. Yeah.

So check out the Pop Culture Happy Hour. Our producer laughing in the background, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, the newly married man. Shit, yeah, I'm on tour, bullsitour.com all this week. Buy your tickets, come out to the show. It's going to be a real blast. And follow us on Twitter, at jessithorne, at jordan underscore morris. And talk about the show on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com. And on Facebook, there's a great Maximum Fun group.

There's a lot of fun chat. There's a Jordan Jesse Go page you can follow. All kinds of fun stuff. That's just a few ideas, fun suggestions, a few ideas. Let's say you need a dog to hug and tell you love it. Check out MaximumFun.org's show, Can I Pet Your Dog? Yeah. Which is a breakout hit.

A breakout hit. I probably should have saved that. It's a backdoor pilot, yeah. There we go. Okay. Is it okay to hug a dog? We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. MaximumFun.org.

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