Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 404: Emotional Magic Carpet with Karen Kilgariff and Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: November 23, 2015

Karen Kilgariff and Chris Fairbanks join Jordan for a discussion of Chris's experience at a day rave, Karen's CD release party at a bar that was also having a "darkwave" music night and Jordan's attempt at scaring his cat with a cucumber.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Jesse Thorne out on tour this week, but luckily I've invited two of my favorite funny people in the world, and I think two of America's favorite funny people in the world. No, I'm not talking about Jeff Dunham and Peanut. I'm talking about Karen Kilgariff and Chris Fairbanks, two beloved guests on this show, the co-host of the Do You Need a Ride podcast, and people

who are funny in other capacities apart from each other. Guys, welcome to the show. That was concise and agreeable. Yeah. I liked most of it. Yeah. Give me some notes. Which parts of it were... each other. terrorist, of course. By better, Chris always means more racist. That's just implied. Peanut is the least racist of the Jeff Dutton puppets. Although he is purple, which I don't like. Is Peanut purple?

Isn't he? I guess I can't picture Peanut in my head. Is there an eggplant or just a jalapeno? He does all the fruit that are on the Fruit of the Loom underwear. Yeah. I don underwear. Yeah. I don't. Yeah, there is one that's purple. Peanut is purple with like orange hair.

I think. Yes, I'm getting the confirmation that peanut is in fact purple. Yeah. Okay. With green hair. Oh, I was. See, I didn't. That's Sonny D on the boards, Googling Jeff Dunham's puppets for us while we ramble.

Thank God for that man. Thank God, yeah. I do what a lot of people do when I'm visualizing a Jeff Dunham concert in my head. I turn Peanut into Mr. Peanut, the monocle. The Planters mask guy. See, now that would be funny. Yeah, I thought Peanut was just, Peanut's like a band member from the Muppet Show. It's just not an animal of any kind.

Yeah, I think you can have some fun if, I mean, I don't know how planters would feel about, you know, licensing out Mr. Peanut to go on tour with Jeff Dunham. But I think, you know, he can, they can have a lot of fun with maybe, you know, Jeff Dunham's, you know, southern fried fan base can have a little bit of fun at the expense of the foppish Mr. Peanut who maybe drives a Prius. Like representative of the 1% with his monocle. Yeah. Top hat. Yeah. Just maybe like coastal elites.

Yeah. Let him have it. Then at the end they just beat him with a pinata in front of the American flag. And everybody gets a peanut butter sandwich. They scoop out his guts. Eat them. I would like that if a Jeff Dunham concert concluded by the audience rushing the stage and tearing apart the puppets and eating what was inside. But yeah, like maybe Mr. Peanut's like, why?

I think they should. This is my Mr. Peanut voice, by the way. I don't know how he talks. I like it. Hi. Well, I think they should take all the Christmas off the Starbucks cups and boo. How the hell? He's kind of the heel.

Yes. I guess. The rich heel that represents those lit, the lit people. Right. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Right.

I love books and not television. Boo. One of my favorite comedy moments of my life was we went to see in San Francisco, there's a very famous review that they always have that now I can't think of the name. Like, I'm in a strange panic. Is this the Hollywood Babylon? No. Okay, that's something else.

It's called, I can't, it's so weird that I'm forgetting it. Royal Crown Review. No, no. This is the swing dance craze of the late 90s. I always try to get it in there somehow, talking about swing dancing. No, it's very famous. Is it puppet based? No, no, it's drag No, it's very famous. Is it puppet based?

No, no. It's drag queens and it's singers and they wear these huge hats. Okay. Rainbow, like the electric, very rainbow.

I'm thinking Babylon. Butterfly? Beach blanket Babylon? Yes, it is. Is that something? Hey, okay. I was close. I was close.

Beach blanket Babylon. Enjoy these drag queens, man. Bay area jerk chicken. Buck, buck, buck. Big ups to the most high drag queens. Zion. Zion. Yeah.

Finally Zion. Sure. Everyone, every one of those shows starts with Mr. Peanut coming out and tap dancing. And it's a guy in a Mr. Peanut, like a hard shell Mr. Peanut full body, upper body Mr. Peanut coming out and tap dancing. And it's a guy in a Mr. Peanut, like a hard shell Mr. Peanut, full body, upper body Mr. Peanut outfit. Sure. But then it's like he's got really long tap dance legs

and he holds a little stick and does like a classic, you know, tap dancey soft shoe thing. And they have tap dance sound effects to go along with like the tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Sure. So this guy's not actually tap dancing, but he is kind of lip sync tap dancing that's exactly right because it's uh it's more of a presentational like look at mr peanut go

and he walked out it was like the simple spotlight mr peanut i laughed so loud uh that my mom took my drink away from me because it was like nothing had even started yet. You were drunk. The lights went down and she was like, give me that. Because it was the most delightful visual I've ever seen. Wow. That does sound kind of amazing. Did the rest of the show – now this is always something that like when I was in college,

like we would – you went to UC Santa Cruz. Not a lot of culture in Santa Cruz. There's a lot of drum circles, certainly. A lot of skateboarding, carnival activities. You know, when it's the banana slugs, you kind of bypassed any potential historic figures. Yeah. Threatening non-joke animals. We have a lot of bananas.

We could be called the roller coasters. We have one of those. It's not that threatening. Yeah. Threatening non-joke animals. We have a lot of bananas. We could be called the roller coasters. We have one of those. It's not that threatening. Yeah. So, yeah. So I definitely would always be kind of like perusing the, you know, the San Francisco zone for like stuff to see. And I always was very curious about this beach blanket Babylon but never went. And now I am kicking myself because I could have seen this fucking dancing peanut.

I think – do they still have it there? I don't know. I don't know. I think it's like a long-running thing. I think it's like a perennial favorite. Yeah. It was like if you lived in San Francisco and you were insanely talented, you would just stay there and then hope to one day be involved in the Beach Blanket Babylon franchise. That was basically the height of your hopes there, I think.

Oh, wow. One day. One day. One day. I thought I'd gone to it, but it was more of a rave where girls way too young were wearing electric tape Xs on their nipples, and I felt like all their fathers, except attracted to them.

Chris, I am really surprised to hear... Who's letting you... I'm really surprised to hear... Who's letting you... I'm really surprised to hear that you've been to a rave. It was a day rave. More surprised. I was already in town. I'm surprised that you've been to it and that that exists. I either got free tickets or it is free of charge.

I was in the city. Come on. You could visit Alcatraz. I knew you were going to say Alcatraz. I do love Alcatraz. It guess. I knew you were going to say Alcatraz. I do love Alcatraz. It is, I think, one of the tourist spots that delivers the hardest. It's pretty cool.

Fastest and deepest. Has anyone ever had a rave at Alcatraz? It seems like that would be kind of fun. Because they have all those earphones already for the man stepped out and covered with a sharpened toothbrush, covered it in his own feces. I've never done it. I can only imagine it's describing murder. No, no, that's basically it. They just describe a shower scene shivs over and over.

Mommy, I don't like this tour. It's all specific. This one's four inches long and sharp. Shank fans regard the summer of 1980 as the summer of the shank. And then he found a little bird and raised it at his own and shanked it. I like the idea of an inmate kind of nursing this bird back to health, only to shank it as it's about to fly away. That's why I'm in here.

I'm that crazy. I love irony. With a cute little bird-sized shank. Oh, my God. They're just first stabbing the bird. Yeah. One day. Oh, Karen, that show that you mentioned with the little statue that.

Oh, I'm not gonna be able to think of it. If I couldn't think of Beach Blanket Babylon, there's no way. Trilogy of Terror. Trilogy of Terror. Oh, my God. I went on YouTube and at the end when she turns into. She's like, Mom, come over. And then she has these teeth and stabbing the ground with a knife.

It's from the 70s. What is this? It's the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. And I was laughing at how scary you thought it was. Just look it up on YouTube and watch it. Karen, what is this? It was a made-for-TV. It's like the kind of thing they would never do anymore.

It was called The Trilogy of Terror and it was three short stories. And they were all just horror stories. But they put it on. It was almost like remember like ABC Friday Night at the Movies. Yeah. It was like one of those kinds of things. And it just there's anybody that grew up in like this the seven anybody that was 10 in the late 70s saw this and lost their minds because we were all left in front of the television for hours at a time. And so it was me, my sister, my cousin Stevie, and my cousin Lisa, and they were a lot older. And so I was like, oh, trusting them like, oh,

this is fine for us to watch. And then the story is a woman is given a little tiki doll thing from her, her sister goes on vacation, gives it and then it just has a note on it that says, don't take the necklace off. And then the necklace, she leaves the room and it just falls off. It just falls off. Which triggers the curse. So there's usually in those kinds of stories, they're like, you know, just don't, you know, like this is a classic gremlin situation. Exactly. Don't, you know, Don't feed them after midnight. Don't get them wet. Other rules.

My human curiosity is taking over. Yeah, but this just seems like an accident. This seems like somebody at the factory did a real bad job. Yeah, most people, I think, look and go, I wonder if that necklace could be a nice bracelet for me, and they deserve it. Sure. Because they're just thinking about their bracelets. Yeah, this woman, it was not. She just left the room, and it fell off.

She went to take a bath, and it fell off, and then the tiki doll comes to life and just starts attacking her, but it's only like five inches high. Sure. So I'm sure the people that produced this show were like, it's not that scary, but if you look it up, if you look it up, it's horrifying looking and it's running around. It's like that late 70s bad live action, you know, animation. I don't know.

Is it stop motion? Yeah. Yeah, stop motion. But she can't kill it. So it just keeps coming after her. And he has a little knife that you would shank a bird with in prison. The whole reason. you would shank a bird with in prison.

The whole reason. But in the end, it turns her into, the end was very scary and visually, and if it was played on prime time evening at the movies at 8 p.m. for families, that was a programming. Sure, the family is there tuning in to see Urkel. A preempted Urkel to show this stabbing doll. This was even before Urkel. It was a time before Urkel. Was there a time before Urkel. A preempted Urkel to show this stabbing doll. This was even before Urkel. It was a time

before Urkel. Was there a time before Urkel? There was and we were much more innocent and we ate a lot of alfalfa sprouts

and we believed in each other. Sure. When people talk about the end of our national innocence, I think there's two things. 9-11, of course,

but also before that, Urkel. Urkel. Yes, yes. Where we all kind of died inside. Just like, ah, fuck it. Yeah. Nothing matters.

But before that, we had hope. And then this thing came along. And I'll never forget my 13-year-old cousin who is basically the bully I grew up with and the meanest kid of all time, that we spent the night at my aunt's house that night. And he woke up screaming in the middle of the night because of Trilogy of it actually instead of scaring me made me very happy i was just like that's right you got yours now do you remember the other two sections of the trilogy obviously that one was the most impactful that was i have a feeling that one went last because it really that's the one everyone talks about but there was another one of but no i don't it is the short answer there was a guy who was reading books and there's something about

books who cares yeah yeah and then the first one i've absolutely no idea like in twilight zone there was that one of the three that was like about old people playing kick the can fast forward this one when they all became young yeah. I want to see the monster on the wing with John Lithgow. Yeah. I want to see the racist learn his lesson. I mean, I think you're kind of on to something here with this, like, idea that something that is supposed to be kind of, like, you know, that is not supposed to be terrifying can be when you – when they have to use a weird special effect to create it. Like it creates this weird dissonance, you know, and it's supposed to probably look – I'm kind of imagining this and I can see the kind of low-budget special effect that they would use and that being the like shocking thing about it, not necessarily. But yeah, I guess I'm thinking of – have you guys seen Sleepaway Camp?

I haven't. No. This is a very terrible 80s movie kind of to cash in on uh on camp slasher movies so clearly this came after you know friday the 13th and uh you know movies like that where people would be killed at camp there's a comedy show in town called sleepaway camp and this popped up when i was looking for directions where it was was. Oh, yeah. So I know it exists from that. You're like, oh, am I just supposed to stay home and watch Sleepaway Camp on Amazon? That's a pretty good comedy show.

I'm supposed to go downtown and scream at an audience. And this is, you know, by all accounts, a bad kind of laughably, you know, laughably cheesy movie. Super low budge. I think the kind of noteworthy thing about it is that the kids are all playing their age, which is really weird because they're all talking about like blowing each other. Oh. And, you know, but they're all. All of them?

Yeah, all of them. All the boys blow each other. The girls blow the boys. But no, they like. That's the sleep away part of the movie. Right. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, it's hyperseaway part of the movie right yeah exactly so yeah it's it's it's it's hypersexual but you know usually in those but they're 17 they didn't hire 30 they

are 14 oh wow yeah like usually in those camp movies you kind of know that oh this woman is supposed to be 15 but she's got a weird 80s boob job and she probably isn't actually 15 right right you can kind of enjoy her you know know, showering and then murder. And her blowjob commentary. Yeah, and her blowjob jokes. Like, ah! Just enjoying all of her. Yeah, just the whole shebang.

Yeah. But they did cast 14- and 15-year-olds to do this. So it's strange and it's, you know, it's very bad and it's not scary until the last kind of 20 seconds of the movie. Spoilers for Sleepaway Camp. If you're mad that I'm spoiling Sleepaway Camp, yell it at Ted Cruz on Twitter. That's our policy now. We don't want to hear about your bullshit complaints. Hit up Ted Cruz.

Nice. So at the end, there's some weird twist with how the killer was a boy that had been made to live as a girl so the final shot of the movie is a naked boy's body penis out but they put the but to make it look like it was the the actress the lead actress they just make a paper mache mask of her face in this scream position and it's and so you have this naked boy body this screaming unblinking death mask of this you know kind of bloody person wandering around with a knife and this the image cheesy kind of you know get high and goof on it movie becomes uh becomes something that you still can see when you shut your eyes.

And they just add this animal shriek at the end of this thing. Oh, no. It's scaring me. It's so jarring that this thing that is the quintessential get high and laugh at it movie becomes something that you will remember for your entire life. Also, boy penis out alone. It just doesn't happen. Sure. Like it doesn't happen.

They broke a huge taboo. Yeah. Then to put a mask on it. That's bold. Yeah. And it's clearly a mask and it's not moving. It's not moving like a face would. It's not like they, you know, had special effects to swap the face.

They just made a. So the shitty effects make it all the more scary. Yeah. So it's like something that if they had more money. Oh, my God, why isn't that computer animated? Or more competence, they would. That would not be as terrifying as it is. Wow.

Which is symbolic of the Cold War. Yeah. Isn't it? Bring down that wall. Of paper by shape. Because I can't see. Hoffman. What's his name?

I couldn't remember his name. The Hoff. I can't see the Hoff perform. David Hasselhoff? Yeah, Hasselhoff performed at the Bringing Down of the Berlin Wall. I think I have to lay down. That was hard for me to conjure.

Listen, we need to lay down. We're a little hot in this box. It's not hot. We're going to take a little break. Okay. We're going to come back.

I want to hear more about daytime raves. Okay. Tease for later in the show, I tried to scare my cat with a cucumber. We'll hear about that when we come back on Jordan, Jesse, Go. La, larian sophie and i'm aaron gibson and we host the throwing

shade podcast on throwing shade we look at an issue important to ladies and an issue important to gay people, and then we basically make fun of it. Yeah, and just to answer your question, no, we don't have a marriage pact that if we don't get married by the time we're 30, we're going to do that to each other. No, that's true. Although we have each been divorced three times. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love, boy detective. I'm Karen Kilgariff, superstar. I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest.

Great to be here with today's guest and the superstar. Blew it. The full range. Yeah, everyone's here. Me, today's guest, the superstar. I'm the superstar. It's like I'm the guy just in plain clothes that hangs out with superheroes. Sure, right. You're our Jimmy Olsen. Yeah. You're our pal. I could take superheroes. Sure, right. You're our Jimmy Olsen. You're our pal.

I could take pictures of them, guys. Gee whiz, I heard about the bank robbery from the... Anyway. Yeah, you can come along. Just try not to die. If there was a superhero whose superpower became taking pictures and Jimmy Olsen was just no longer necessary.

Get out of here. What do you mean you have a camera for an eye? Oh, bye, you guys. I got my own car if you guys need a ride. My legs are wheels, dipshit. We were reminiscing before we started the podcast that we here in L.A. had 10 days, two weeks-ish, between 10 days and two weeks of glorious sweater weather. Oh, I was freezing.

It was amazing. It was. It was like a mild Arctic tundra. Yeah. I mean, I had layers. I had at least three layers on one day. I put two blankets on the bed, snuggled up. I did.

I pulled some blankets out. I bought a new sweater with a wolf in it, Dreamcatcher. And it was even drier. I started getting some nosebleeds. Yeah, that's pretty dry. It's all gone now. Yep, now we are in the midst of summer three, and we're all having a great time. I'm going to burn my deer foam slippers that I bought at Target last week,

because now they make me nauseous to look at them. Sure. You can just tell how they will immediately cause your entire body to sweat. Yeah. They'll always be there in memory, foam. Oh, God. I sometimes – I do that sometimes. Back to being better. Chris, I am curious to hear about your experience at this daytime rave because you're not someone I would think would be interested in electronic music.

Am I wrong about that? You're very right about it. And there was another time because you're at Coachella already and my friend got me a ticket so I was there and I wasn't enjoying the fanfare really. But I stopped and watched that Skrillex guy. Sure. You have to have the light show to accompany that music. And kids were bouncing around, and I was like, oh, I get this. This is a very emotional and cool. It was good.

I wouldn't buy it and listen to it. Sure. But this thing in San Francisco, I was just in town. I was doing shows, and I was staying at my friend's place and I took a bus there because I think it was free. I'm pretty sure it was free or I had a ticket. But it was all just young girls pretty much naked. It was for young people and I felt creepy right when I got there. Sure. Yeah. And it was in the daytime? It was in the daytime. I think it was all ages.

And you have not raved since? It was little rave posts. Like it was, you know, rave booths. Like when you go to a wedding and then, you know, they'll have like a carving station. Yeah. And then they'll have some salads at the other end. Right, right. Okay, these were just various.

Different DJs. Different kinds of rave music yeah and and it was just i felt like someone's dad because i was like you kids put something on yeah but do it slowly that's how i felt and i just kind of felt karen have you raved i don't think so yeah although i was a heavy drinker so if someone else has a different story then i would agree with it okay if you're like oh yeah we had karen raved uh once in 1997 yeah yeah i have pictures of that in my mind no no i don't think i that kind of partying was never of interest to me like i did ecstasy one time with my friends who were like oh man i'm freaking out or whatever and literally my scalp tingled a tiny bit. Sure.

And I was just like, what is happening? They were acting like. It's like the same thing as when you stand under a vent or something. Yeah. It was like a very strong anti-dandruff shampoo. That's all it felt like to me. And I just wanted to chain smoke. It was Retsin.

Right. It's scalp Retsin. We crushed up mints and we rubbed them on our head in hopes that something would happen. Just the people in the rafters with cheese graters going like that with Retson sprinkling down. Yeah, right. It's like that. I like that it's man-made. It's like the scene in the first Blade movie.

I'm sure we all remember the first Blade movie where the vampires are at the rave and the sprinklers come on and showers them with blood. This is like that, but it's people with cheese graters in the rafters shaving mints down on people. It's a really lame rave. Yeah. And it's a rare mint, the ones with Retsin. They don't make it anymore. Yeah. Apparently Retsin.

It's very expensive. Those tickets were like $150 to get into the Retsin rave. Yeah. They're still like a bunker somewhere where they're storing all the Retson. Yeah. I went to Costa Rica once, and it was mainly a surf trip. And I'm not, you know, I kind of surf, but I'm not that into it. In a pinch, you could.

In a pinch, I cannot drown. If your boat went down and a piece of wood came by. I could do some toe sign, toe side slashers, but toe sign. I could sign for help with my toes. They're called David Hasselhoff. It's a really hot room, you guys. So hot.

So I hurt my ankle like the first night there and the guy that kind of took care of the house we were staying in kind of became our friend, but he kept going like, hey, do you guys want

girls or drugs in Spanish like he wanted to learn English so there was a lot of interacting with us we're like no no but it'd be nice to go somewhere that where there's people because it was a small town in Costa Rica and there was at eight o'clock everyone was just in a hammock reading a book and I was crawling out of my skin oh it was all couples and I was the only single human there with my other friend that joined us. I've never told this story before. Anyway, it took us to a

If there's a place to just tell a story for the first time, it's a podcast. You're in a safe space. People like this kind of thing. It's fun. It's rough. It's real. Let's find out. Maybe this is a bad story i don't know i don't know it it ends okay okay uh so at least you know where you're going we my friend

rented a car after a few days of us wanting to do something at night and this guy's like i know where a party is he drove uh we went on this windy road and and it was like an A-frame, like where they maybe store hay or something. But it was huge, and there was a rave. There was all these kids. But it was a shack, like it was corrugated metal shack. And in the parking lot, and he just drove by them, these people were fighting with weapons. Like these kids were fighting. One of them had a board with nails in it, and another guy was swinging,

but they were really fighting. They were in a fight. Like swinging like a ball and chain? Yes, a thing, a thing with nails in it. At the end of it, it was horrifying. This was part of the rave? Yeah. Like it was also a fight club?

No, there was people fighting in the parking lot, aside from the rave. Okay, this is not an activity. They didn't stop the music. They're like, oh, those guys are trying to kill each other. But the guy that was driving us there kind of honked at them, and they saw who it was, and they stopped fighting. And then we realized we were with the coolest guy in town.

Oh, yeah. This guy can stop a nail fight. Yeah, and I speak a tiny bit of Spanish. Er was surfacing from college because we were interacting with him, but no one really spoke English there or they didn't want to to us. And we showed up and the music stopped and then

he said, do you guys want to meet girls? And I was like, I really it's not that important, but if you guess, I'll be polite. And he brought over these older women that were ladies of the night. And I was like, I'll be polite. And he brought over these older women that were ladies of the night. Oh, my. And I was like, I really didn't want – I was like, I made a look on my face like, gross.

And why – I'm offended that you thought that I'd be interested. They were older ladies. And I also don't – I mean, I can see how there's a little bit of a – like, you need to do so much of an eyebrow raise if you're asking someone do you want to meet girls i mean who who who doesn't like who among us doesn't want to meet some nice girls that's disgusting how dare you girls no bring me the men he brought these girls over yeah you have to like you have to say meet some girls you really have juice it. I think that's what he said. I wasn't even sure.

And then I had this look on my face like, oh, no, you have the wrong... I had like a disapproval. And then I think I heard one of the girl's feelings. So I went and bought her a drink. Sure. Just a beer. There was a guy selling beer and I gave it to her.

And there's rave music. That's the reason I'm telling the story. Yeah, I get it. I'm following. The minute I bought her a drink, some guy was jealous, and he came up, and he smashed a bottle on the ground and pushed me. And all of a sudden, I'm in a fight. Yes.

And I'd just seen the guys with the maces and the boards. This is a different man. This is a third man. This is a man who knew the older woman. He had a relationship with this older woman. And he was swinging a hammer. She didn't know. She was out with her friend

that night, Horne, and I was trying to say, hey, I don't get... They prefer trapping. Even in Vegas. We've been to Vegas together.

Sure. I'm not a guy who's ever been with a prostitute. Even the fanciest of them. Sure. Even if it's a freebie. It scares me.

Like someone has a coupon for a prostitute by card. You guys have to believe me that I just bought her a beer because i felt bad that i made a horrified look i believe you and then this guy wanted to kill me but our cool ass friend came up and he's like hey what are you doing he's like oh i'm sorry i'm sorry his name was pedro uh i didn't make that up i know it sounds like it but he's But he bailed us out. And then we had a great time.

After that. Did you have to see the dude who wanted to fight you? Was he like hanging around? Yeah. And everyone was like, leave that guy alone. You're drunk and being weird. I thought we were all going to die because people were staring at us. But then the sweet part of the story is everyone was like wanting to speak English to us.

And I was like interacting with all these people. And it was forcing me to come up. I can't speak Spanish at all now. But at the time I was like, Sure. Por su placer. Lo siento. Yeah, yeah.

I was, there was a lot of Que es esto? Mi dos sopates es muy bonita. El gato es feo. There was an ugly cat there and a nice pair of shoes. You pointed and everyone laughed. Like, hey, he's right. That cat is not attractive.

But I almost died. The end. Where did the prostitutes go? Did they dance? I didn't. I kind of lost track of them. I thought, I'm not going to pay attention to them anymore. I think the beer was made up for my look of like, ew, you're gross.

Maybe the man got mad because you wouldn't just fuck the prostitute, prostitute style. You wanted to romance her. I swear it. You're trying to get to know her. When he first broke the bottle, I thought that he was the angered pimp. It's like, you don't like my product? Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. So he wasn't, and I'm, he just shattered the bottle on the ground for emphasis. He wasn't breaking it to use as a weapon. No, I was afraid he'd pick it. I think he messed up, actually. He sweeps up the shards into his hand and then throws them in your face. Yeah, he's like,

you, wait till I get a dustbin. Yeah. Oh, wait there. And they throw it to me like a... I'm going to fashion a crude gun out of this piece of bamboo and those glass shards. I'm going to put some glass

into this field hockey. Put some black powder into the other end. Yeah, yeah. So, no, he should hockey. Put some black powder into the other end. Yeah. Yeah. So, no, he should have just broken the bottle and stabbed me with it. He should. I mean, ideally. Better story.

But, I mean, I could see that this was a passionate moment for him. Mm-hmm. And so he probably wasn't thinking about what the most efficient way to kill you was. He just, he very much made a point by throwing the bottle on the ground. I'm like, wow, you're really angry with me. And then I found out it was his ex-girlfriend. He was there. She didn't know.

That's tough. It was all explained to me. Your ex becomes a prostitute. Sure. And then gets rejected in front of you. There's a lot of layers of emotion there. What a roller coaster for that guy. I didn't really think of it from his perspective.

I wish you would. I mean, think about when you see that an ex on Facebook is getting married, or they went on vacation together or something. Or they get paid for sex. Sure, yeah. Which happens all the time on Facebook. On Facebook, they really...

Yeah, here's a BuzzFeed quiz. Here's a list of things I do for money. All kind of dirty things. Just a lot of fun. A lot of fun updates. But that night I didn't really enjoy the rave music. Yeah.

I really don't. I'm not an electronic music guy. Yeah. The most rave music I have ever encountered was when I went to Burning Man and it was nigh constant. encountered was when I went to Burning Man and it was nigh constant. And I, there were times when I was on drugs and I'm like, I guess I get this, but I would absolutely enjoy this more if it was Simon and Garfunkel. But isn't there, for real? Yeah.

Sorry, but we were at, we had our album release party last night. Oh, yeah. I was telling you guys about this. Karen, you and Drennan Davis, who was a very funny fellow, you guys have a really terrific music comedy act. Beautiful songs. Beautiful. Hilarious and beautiful songs. Funny songs.

Both of these things, you guys have an album. Songs that would be good if they weren't funny. Sure. That's the name of the album. And then they're funnier than the songs you've heard that aren't that musically good. Sure. Well, thanks, everybody. Sure. Well, thanks, everybody. Sure.

So we put it out yesterday. It's on iTunes. It's called I Don't Care, I Like It. And it's pretty good. We thought we'd have an album release party, like everyone could just meet at a bar. So we didn't plan anything. My friends kept asking me that, too.

They're like, will there be decorations? I'm like, we're just meeting at a bar. You're going to rent one of those used car lot windsock men that is painted to look like you. The album. That's my favorite impression. I wish you guys could have seen it. She does a great parking lot windsock. There it is again.

She's flopping her arm. For the listener, Karen is actually doing it. And it is actually pretty evocative. She looks like spaghetti on stilts. They really are one of my favorite things in the world. I laugh every time I see one of those guys. So we got there. It was totally cool. It was the Monty Bar, which is a beautiful bar in LA. And first of all, there was zero parking because there was like four different events right nearby. So anyone who did come

had to pay like $20 for parking, which is like horrifying. Because it's a scary neighborhood too. You don't want to leave your car anywhere. Yeah, no. You can't like roll the dice in any way. And then we get there and it's like kind of normal for 10 minutes. And then the DJ starts and he is playing what I described earlier

as it would be if it were a sketch about how terrible industrial house techno music is. Is that the combination? Sure. Industrial house techno. Industrial house techno. That musical genre.

Yeah, trash. Trash sounds. That genre has the craziest classifications. Like, oh, this is techno. This is industrial. And yes, it's all beeps and boops. And it's – Said grandpa. Dubstep. What's that? Anyway. techno this is industrial and this and yes it's all beeps and boops anyways but it's said grandpa

what's that anyway i don't understand like you were saying that i don't know what drug you could take that would make you like that music like or what happened to you before that this is what you got to where you're like this is the stuff for me but at this bar the theme of this bar and the look and feel it's very decorated and it's very like put together and the first time i was there they were playing emilu harris and i was like this is perfect and that's what i assumed would be happening yeah it looks like a refurbished barn where they used to park like uh antique train cars i think they used to park cars in there yeah they used to so it's this arched ceiling that's like polished wood.

It's beautiful. It's so beautiful. And if I went in there, I'd be like, oh, I want to hear old timey country music. And I don't even like that. That's what you want to hear there. And instead it was like the soundtrack to the new Mad Max. Like the first 10 minutes where you're having a panic attack. It was like that.

And then we're all standing around staring at each other. People are like, so do you hang out here all the time? It was the biggest flop of a party. But of course, it was a bunch of comics. So everyone hung out anyway. Sure. Just screamed and made jokes about it. But it was like it was that kind of thing where I'm just looking at my friends like I like I felt like I was going deaf.

It was it was really high. There was no base to it. It was all really trebly. And then it sounded like someone smashing a car together with a beat underneath it. Wow. But no bass, no bottom. So it was just all high. Oh, weird.

It was a nightmare. Were there people there digging it? Were there people there for the noise of a car accident? Yes. Were there like people there for the noise of a car accident? Yes. There were people who had outfits that looked like if a group of rockabilly people survived a nuclear holocaust. Okay. So that – I don't know what that group is called.

So they're at – they're seeing Brian Setzer. There's a Brian Setzer if he started eating babies because there was no more normal human food left. Sure. He becomes a half-man, half-machine. So they're wearing like black cowboy shirts and okay that was kind of like late ministry and even Depeche Mode

dressed as black dark cowboys. Yes. And maybe that look is coming back a little bit. I mean I like that. I like the look of it. Yeah. I maybe that look is coming back a little bit. I mean, I like that. I like the look of it. Yeah. I can't imagine. At one point, I just started screaming, this is horrible at the top of my lungs because

I was so angry. Someone just came up and danced to you screaming. Whoa, she's great. She gets it. Yeah. But it was like- What's your DJ name? I kept waiting for a long-

Karen. I'm Karen. Oh, cool. The music would just dip a little bit and i'd be like stop doing this to us as much as i could but it didn't oh that's great what did the what did the man spinning look like did he have the apocalypse rockabilly did he have animal contacts in i like that tiger eyes he had he had kermit the Frog eyes. No. No. They just looked like two dudes. And apparently someone walked up. So two dudes.

This was a Daft Punk situation. This was a... But they weren't doing anything. It was like... It wasn't... I don't know if they made this music and thought it was good. I don't know. I don't understand the DJ world anyway.

And I'm not interested. And I will never know. After this experience, i will block out any potential but it was just like it was as if some of the sounds sounded like video games and some of the sounds sounded like if metal was angry like i can't i can't explain it it was just like it was just upsetting music it was like if ayear-old was mad at his dad and it turned into music, this is what the music would be. Only everyone was old. And it was just crazy.

And the place was packed. You couldn't talk. No one was dancing. It was not a dancing situation. They were just enjoying it. Yeah. They were just taking it all in. It was mad.

That's crazy. Being challenged by the sound. And I always think that I'm like most people that wouldn't be into this or DJing in general. But then I cannot explain this phenomenon around L.A. now where it's just billboards. And it doesn't explain it. It just says MGM Grand or some casino in Vegas. There's dozens of them in town. And then it just says Calvin Smith.

It doesn't say DJ Scribble or anything anymore. It just says Calvin Smith and it's a guy. Bob Sampson. Yeah, a guy with a goatee and a Hitler haircut. Oh, he's going to be at Omnia. Great. Bob Sampson at Omnia. Omnia.

It's really blowing me away. So I'm like, maybe I can't make fun of DJs anymore because it's as popular as the – more popular than the Peanuts movie as far as billboards are concerned. Who are the people that walk by that billboard and they're like, you know what? Let's make a reservation. We've got to hear Bob. I don't know. Do you think we could still get in to see bob do you think we could see bob not us it's so many casinos deciding to do that though it's not magicians and other

things i used to make fun of i have yeah i know i have heard that the djs themselves pay for those billboards to to up their their status their cred I think it's kind of like when... Well, then there's something going on in the billboard purchasing world with DJs that is a lot like graffiti or tagging a wall, because they're all trying to one-up each other. There's this Calvin dude that has blown most of his bottle service money,

however DJs make money. Sure. I think it's bottle service-based. Yeah, tips. Yeah, they have a little jar. And what? And if someone comes in and puts it all in, they go, thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. What do you want to hear, Adele? Yeah. Can I hear blah, blah, blah, blah? Yeah, I'll play that next. Yeah, that'll be next. Yeah, well. But I think those whole things, it's just to do drugs. It's like you're saying, like Burning Man. I think people are now planning entire events around this idea of like, I got Coke or I got ecstasy or I got whatever.

Right. And like we'll drink and we'll just go get so out of our minds and like stand in a room where we can't hear. We don't have to talk. Yeah. And I think it probably it is probably, you know, something if you are a heavy drug user, if you do do a lot of intense drugs like it is just, you know, maybe you have an internal numbness. Yeah. And you just need stimulus. You know, you need it. You know, nothing doesn't doesn't do it anymore to sit around and listen to Emmylou Harris. Right.

After you've smoked a J. You've got to. I've always, yeah, I've always heard that there's something even scientific about like the, with dubstep, the building and dropping, like it goes and then comes back. Apparently that does trigger

something if someone's on Molly or whatever. That's what I've heard. And then so when I was at Coachella, I did have something called a moon rock. You guys, I'm not a junkie. Chris, I have also had a moon rock. I thought it was great. It was, yeah, I was just, I was in a good mood, for God's sake. That's really it.

I wasn't rubbing people. I didn't, I wanted to mind my own business, but when I was on a moon rock when I saw this guy who started Dubstep. Sure. Skrill X. Skrill X.

Jerry Dubstep? Yeah. Yeah. Famous for a haircut that's kind of a Cameron Esposito type, but both sides. I don't know. No, it was an asymmetrical. Right? It was the one side.

The Skrill X haircut. I knew him for his haircut. People can Google this haircut if they have not seen the haircut. I knew him. They've seen the haircut. They've for his haircut. People can Google this haircut if they have not seen the haircut. I knew him. They've seen the haircut. They've seen the haircut. But I had never heard the music, and I fully enjoyed it. Oh.

And I saw the talent of what he was doing. When I make fun of DJs, I'm making fun of someone that pushes play at a wedding. Someone's building music with noises they've somehow manufactured, and the funny thing is, yeah, if it's original music and you're playing it, it's cool. But I still will make fun of is after you've built that, they're not reconstructing it while performing at a thing. They're mimicking with knobs. I know that a lot of DJs, they're like playing with the knobs, putting their hand on their thing. But really, they're playing the music that they spend time on that sounds great. But they're not making it right there with, oh, this record, this Meepzorp.

They're not doing it right there. Meepzorp would sound good here. So no matter what, you're listening to them play pre-made music. And no matter what, you have to have a moon rock to make it good. So that kind of minus, that's about a minus 50 for me. I mean, I could have been listening to the sounds of different grandpas

farting in a can because I was on an emotional magic carpet. That one was low. Anyways, on that image, I think we, hopefully we have been making you, the listener, feel like you are also on a farting magic carpet. We'll give you a chance to come down. We'll be right back on Jordan Jessica.

I listen to Bullseye because it gives me all the information on things that I know I want to know about, but it also gives me inside information on things that I didn't even know I wanted to know about, such as music, arts, movies, people I should be connected with, people that I end up connecting with thanks to Bullseye. Bullseye is your guide to what's good. From MaximumFun.org and NPR. Jordan Jessico. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Karen Collier, superstar. Chris Fairbanks, young problem solver.

Great to be here with the superstar and the young problem solver. Just real quick so people don't tear me apart. I teased this story about trying to scare my cat with a cucumber. I'll go through real quick because i i don't want people to be upset that i didn't tell it uh have you guys seen these viral videos where people will find they will take their cats when the cats are doing something when they're busy the cats are eating or looking a certain direction and they will put south yeah just gazing south like cats like to do yeah and they will put a cucumber or looking a certain direction. South, say, for example. Yeah, just gazing south like cats like to do. And they will put a cucumber on the ground behind the cat.

And then the cats, whenever they notice the cucumber, and it's really terrific because you don't know when in the video the cat will notice the cucumber. So there's a kind of fun suspense. And it always has to be a cucumber? This is how they do it i don't know okay there is does seem to be something with cats and cucumbers and when the cat notices the cucumber they will either vertically leap up into the air and run away or they will start attacking the cucumber depending on you know which response in the cat that it triggers the fight or the the flight. And it is so funny, and it usually happens in multi-cat households.

So when the cat leaps up in the air and runs, he will hit several other cats who are also around. And it's great. And I tried – listen, I don't participate in a lot of internet memes. Sure. That's not your style. No, not my style. I mean, you know, I want to be known for something more substantive than doing the same challenge.

I also know you to be a person that doesn't fuck with your cat all the time. Yeah, no. Or ever eat a cucumber. Sure, yeah. Yeah, these are two things that I do not do. It's been built. It's been built.

I just won't do it. But I have, I really was just enjoying these videos and just wasn't doing shit today. So I had – I did have some cucumbers in the house. So I waited until the cat was looking out the window and I put it behind her. Fucking nothing. Looked at the cucumber kind of and then laid down on top of it.

Maybe my problem was it was a Persian cucumber, which are slightly smaller than a regular cucumber. So I don't know if it just wasn't big enough. If you have any cat cucumber life hacks, get at me because I really want this to happen. There was an article that we saw at work the other day, and it was all about how scaring your cat with a cucumber is cruelty to animals. Oh. It was like the meme came out, and it was like literally 48 hours later, there was an article in like whatever it was, Slate, or one of those lunatic blogs now. A salon or a –

Yeah, where it was like this is cruelty to animals. It's like it's a cat noticing – Also, spooning is sexist. Yes, that's my favorite one. Yeah, yeah, that is – Spooning is sexist. Wow. And's my favorite one. Yeah, yeah, that is. Spooning is sexist. Wow. And November.

No matter which side you're on? Left only. I think it's you. Oh, right, yeah. Or middle or inside or outside spoon. Which one makes you a bad person? I won't read the article, so I can never answer the question. And they also said that November.

I won't read anything if it's written by a woman. Yeah, sure. Now I have to write one. God damn woman. Now I have to write one. We all have to write one now. Because we can't stay silent on an issue. We all have to sound off. We can't not give a shit about dumb stuff anymore. Did something happen?

You need to weigh in. You guys are good friends because you both got fake man yelled because my joke didn't work. You helped it. We'll cover for you anytime. Thanks, guys. I do like women. So you have seen a think piece on the fact that maybe this is cruel. So maybe I'm feeling okay that it didn't work.

You should feel however the internet tells you to feel. Okay. Yeah. Great. That's dumb. That means any cat toy like that's cruel because you're getting his hopes up. It's really just a feather and a bell at the end of a string. It's complete bullshit.

Because also the funniest thing is I've seen those videos. And what's funny is that it's not somebody rolling a cucumber at a cat or shoving it in its face or anything. They just put it down on the ground and it's the cat's natural reaction to the shape and size. Right. That's all. I did see one that kind of led to this being – pointed to the fact that this is something ingrained in them in that this was not someone putting it down behind the cat. That's usually the way that it happens. But this was a cat approaching a pile of groceries that included a cucumber and the cat was the cat was not swatting at the other groceries,

but was just swatting the cucumber. Interesting. I wonder. I don't know. They're magical little fluffums. That's funny. Do you still have the same cat, a yellowish cat? She's like gray and white.

Yeah, that's what I meant. Best friends. I would never have a yellowish cat. It's a good cat. Good cat. You have a nice cat. Yeah. Anyway.

We like cats. Sure. Karen. Well. Want to join in? Let me know. No. Do you have a.

Dogs only. If you have a life hack on how to get the cat scared by a cucumber, let me know. If you think it's cruel, let me know. Next week. I think I don't. I don't have one, but I think for most of these situations, drawing eyes on it. Probably helps. Yeah.

Like mad eyes with a V for an eyebrow. Yeah, yeah. Sure. An upset cucumber. Get away from my water dish. And then right when they turn and look at it, smash some symbols together. Right. Let a dog in the house.

And when the whole prank is over, slice that cucumber up, put it in the cat's water. Oh, yeah. And let it have a little spa water. It makes... Cat spa water. To make up for the intense cruelty. Isn't this refreshing? Aren't you refreshed after your intense panic?

I laugh at the idea of things smaller. Like a shank for a bird is funny. Or spa water for i just thought of like a tiny yeah tiny cucumbers yeah i just uh cap can sip it and have a schritz at night i just giggle myself to sleep thinking of uh dollhouse furniture that's the good stuff. Professional comedian, Chris Ferris. I like it. I like it a little. Not to derail the tiny item train, we do have a few calls from listeners. Just getting chugging. Sonny D has them for us. Sonny D, can we hear the first call?

Hey, I'm in traffic right now, and an ambulance just blew past me with, you know, the full siren going and the lights and all that stuff. And, you know, of course, everyone moves to the side. And after it passes us, we all notice that it's towing a motorboat behind it. I don't know what that means, but it was interesting. I've never seen that before. It was a momentous occasion. Goodbye. Wow. It sounds to me like there was a body to be got, and it happened to be out in the water.

So the ambulance guys, rather than call the Coast Guard to get this floater, they were rushing to the scene using their uncle's speedboat. Yeah, you know how I like wakeboarding. Let's get my oven ready. Let's rush to the dead body. And then they just strapped him at the end of it, and he skied perfectly like Weekend at Bernie's. Well, I mean, or maybe like Weekend at Bernie's 2, they placed a voodoo curse on it. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, where he moved on his own accord? Yeah, he did a little dance to Calypso music, if I remember Weekend at Bertie's 2 correctly. Oh, that's my new dollhouse furniture. I have to say I was really taken by how insanely chill that caller was. Yeah. He was just... We've got some pretty chill listeners.

I almost couldn't concentrate on what he was talking about because I was just like, you know, he doesn't give a shit. Here's Karen falling in love with audio again. Sure. This guy going to... Hey, what's up? Hey, I'm going to underhand you a Coors Light now. Oh, my God. He looked right at me. Just wanted to say hello to all our chill listeners out there.

Keep it chill. Don't call in excited or nervous at all. He did sound cool. Brian, we got another call in there? Hi, my name is Kai, and I'm from New Mexico. I am transgender, female to male, and my

momentous occasion is that although my surgery was a couple weeks ago, I had male chest reconstruction. Today, I got the grafts unveiled, my nipple grafts unveiled, and confirmation that they're healing nicely. And I also found out that because of my case,

Medicaid in New Mexico is now covering transition for all patients on Molina without requiring a note from a psychiatrist or therapist. Whoa. Anybody can get the care without the gatekeeping because me and a lot of other people went to that. So that is my momentous occasion. Have a good one. Hey, a round of other people went to that. So that is my momentous occasion. Have a good one. Hey, a round of applause for Kai.

Pretty good. And doing it on the cheap, too. That's nice that it's going to be a value. Yeah, why? I mean, nothing against New Mexico, but I guess their proximity to Arizona, I'm surprised that they're that progressive. That's really kind of cool.

Yeah, yeah. That's amazing kind of cool. Yeah, yeah. That's amazing. And congratulations on well-healing nipples. And I want to know if they – Yeah, I'm so glad. I thought that was going to go a different way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please know, please know.

My body rejected the nipples and then I ordered a pizza and – I got a dead man's nipples. They're haunted. Yeah. Yeah, that's really amazing. That's amazing, yeah. And I definitely – there's a lot of things that are amazing about this call. But I mean also I think – I mean not chiefest among them but noteworthy is I think we all know what it's like to have nipple discomfort. It's such an amazing procedure and probably went through a lot to have this done.

And to come out of it on the other side with such a positive attitude and with such clean, comfortable nipples. Yeah. I think that's kind of amazing. I did not know that they grafted. I thought it was a tattoo situation usually. Yeah. Like a texture. I thought it was a textured tattoo thing i didn't know that that

sounds so like it could backfire or something some thin skin but i guess that's what they do they my my friend's dad's leg had ulcers on it and he always wore like this really tight neoprene sock and then one day he got it fixed and we figured out out that it was patched up with baby foreskins. Oh, my. So they were little discs of patches that his skin, because it's young skin. This is the reason. I mean, this is the baby parts. Yeah, this is why they're closing down front.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this was late 80s. This was a long time ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. I mean, this was late 80s. This was a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. They've been doing it for a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now his skin, it turned into a skin. It's really amazing.

Well, I think we can all agree it's an amazing time we're living in. And apparently, New Mexico, pretty amazing state. So how about a round of applause for New Mexico? I've never been. I would like to come sometime and try your text message. How about another round for the Southwestern themed art? Yeah. Polo ties.

Go to hell. Turquoise, anything. It makes me immediately think I'm in a waiting room. You don't like a nice Indian in the sky? No, they can go to hell. I actually want to say I really like the fact that we are living in this time. We've progressed so quickly in the last couple of years that people get to talk about stuff like this and it is becoming the norm whereas it used to be like oh it'd be one story on barbara walters and oh my god a person is going from being a man to a woman yeah and we are everyone is

learning everyone else is learning that this is so much more common if people have the freedom to be who they actually want to be inside this this is actually a very common thing that people were born like a woman in a man's body or a man in a woman's body. That happens a lot. Yeah. And now we get to be in a culture where that now people get to do what they want to do with themselves. I think that's really awesome.

And definitely nothing against the man who saw the ambulance towing the speedboat. That was an amazing story. That was amazing. It's also, it's very flattering that when someone has something that momentous happen to them, they call our show and share it with everybody. I forgot that it is momentous occasion. Sorry.

I've been on the show a bunch of times. I was like, wait, what does that have to do with speedboats? All the calls are not related. Are they medical? No, no, no. Yeah, they're just momentous. I thought they were supposed to be friends. I thought all the calls were friendship. No, they can be separate. They're linked by being momentous.

Okay. So again, nothing against the speedboat. He was, he was, I'm sorry, was he transitioned for, yeah, woman to man. Yeah, it was woman to man. He thought he was going to pay for this, right? And found out, it was like a nice surprise that it was covered. Yeah. That's nuts.

That's probably the the difference between thou like tens of thousands of dollars yeah if money was saved man god bless he's gonna have a party so i think we can we can wrap it up by saying a third round of applause way to go four rounds of applause way to go new york peblo style homes everybody maybe take a look at the uh maybe take a look at the Sky Indian art and rethink that. Okay. You're looking right at me, so I get the message. No, no, no.

This is a general point. Don't look at me. I just bought a sweater with a wolf and a dreamcatcher on it. Oh, boy. Okay. We're all going to rethink our lives and come back on Jordan, Jesse. Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love youer. Chris Fairbanks, man of many shoes. Guys, thanks so much for being here. Tough to be down a host, but it's no big thing when you have two hilarious pals come in and assist. So I really appreciate you guys being here, joking around. Absolutely.

Very fun. Let's take a minute to talk about things. We've been talking about stuff. Right. But now I want to move on to talk about things. We've been talking about stuff, but now I want to move on to talk about things. We've been talking about people and places. Now it's time to tackle things. We want to do all the nouns.

Welcome to noun chat. Next week, verbs. Karen, we mentioned you have an album out. I think we're going to conclude the show by playing a track from the album. Do you know which one it's going to be off the top of your head? Well, it could be, I guess it could be Godzilla.

I love that song. I love the tattoo song. Chris, you pick it. That's better. I love dumb tattoos. I mean, maybe you get tired of playing certain ones or hearing it, but I think what I've seen, even if a crowd is the poopiest crowd ever, everyone loves the dumb tattoo. Okay. That's what I'm choosing.

I have also seen this song performed live, and it is a goddamn hoot. I think as Chris mentioned, not only is it a funny song that you laugh at, but it is also a good song. It's a good song. In the grand tradition of Tenacious D and no one else, you guys can write a song that is both a good song and also very funny. So, yeah, we're going to hear that song album you mentioned available on iTunes. Is that the best way to get a copy? I think so. It will be available on vinyl in 2016.

Apparently, there's a vinyl shortage or like a backup. Everyone wants vinyl. I shouldn't say vinyl shortage. That makes it sound like it's like oil or something. We need more plastic. But apparently vinyl is so popular these days that the order takes months as opposed to it used to take a month or something. So our vinyl of this will be available like maybe February of 2016. But right now you can –

Get the digital copy now. Enjoy it. Vinyl heads can get another copy later for your turntable. It's crazy. The record industry must be like, fuck, we're back. What next? CB radios? No one was using records except garage band fans when I was in college. And now everyone's like, oh, let's make a record. It's cool. Because the sound is better. It sounds beautiful. The pops and shit.

You've got to have the pops. Scratches and pops. You've got to have the the pops Chris Fairbanks you're a touring stand up comedian can people see you around at any time if you're in Minneapolis I'm gonna be there

the 15th to 20th I think yeah 15th to 19th at a place called the Joke Joint after that I'm in North Carolina in Wilmington at a place called The Dead Crow. That's for New Year's. And I'm hosting a show on TruTV called Almost Genius with April Richardson that starts airing December 29th, even though we haven't finished the first episode. And that makes my back sweat.

You'll get it done. You'll do it. Someone will get it done. You're going to pull out some TV magic. It's going to happen. Basically, there are fewer funnier people in the world than Chris Fairbanks and April Richardson. So I can't imagine that this show won't be fucking fantastic. Thanks.

Thanks. We're being pretty silly on this. Yeah. I bet you guys are goofing around. And I like goofing around. If I know the two of you, I would think that you're goofing around pretty heavy. Yeah. It's not like, you know, arrested.

It's not written. You know, we're not. It's not. We're being pretty silly. It's fun. It's spontaneous. And I enjoy doing it. It's really fun.

I think it'll be good. I've got a couple of things I want to mention. If you are listening to this the day it comes out, I'm going to be at UCB on Tuesday night doing our friend's Cameron and Ria's show, Put Your Hands Together. Oh, yeah. Of course. Yeah. So if you're in the LA area, come out to that. Yeah.

And maybe we'll – yeah. Give me a little shout on Twitter. Maybe we'll do a little drink if people come to that show if there's enough interest. on Twitter. Maybe we'll do a little drink if people come to that show, if there's enough interest. I just want to take a hot second to stump for my day job writing for At Midnight. We had two

really fucking amazing episodes last week that I really think people should watch. If you're an occasional viewer or a non-viewer, you just kind of see the hashtags and the memes, and you've been thinking about checking it out. Last week we did a show with Michael Shannon, Kelly Oxford, and Seth Rogengan uh yes that's right michael shannon the guy from uh the guy from boardwalk empire right it was the crazy religious scary yeah

general zod and superman the weirdest the ice man booking the ice man yeah absolutely scary uh and he is fucking hilarious uh the other two were very, very funny, as you probably know, but just huge surprise that Michael Shannon was so great. Awesome episode. Oh, I love that. Who was the guy that's on like NCI or that was on our old Daily Habit show that was really funny and wrote his own jokes and he's on like some crime show? Oh, this may be the guy who plays, I forget his name, the guy who plays Coulson on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Yeah, he was really funny. I don't know. I just like it when someone surprises you. Yeah, always a great treat to see those character actors kind of come out of their shell and goof around. And the show directly after that had our pal Emmy Blotnick on for her first time. And as you know, if you have listened to her on the show, she's one of the funniest people in the world and is great on the show. So there's two fun episodes of At Midnight you can watch if you go on to the Hulu

or the Comedy Central or your cable provider's on-demand portal or wherever you watch TV that has aired a couple days earlier. So, yeah, lots of stuff to check out. Jesse will be back next week. We'll do a show. It'll be a lot days earlier. So yeah, lots of stuff to check out. Jesse will be back next week. We'll do a show. It'll be a lot of fun. Thanks to Sonny D for riding the boards this week, as he usually does.

Yep, that's it. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thank you. fin. Unicorns jumping over rainbows. That little hoppy flute guy, I don't know his name. Treblecliff, Potley, yin and yang. Tasmanian devil

looking all bossy. Bossy. You can tell he's the boss cause his arms are crossed and he's got a backwards baseball cap. These are just a few of your dumb tattoos. These are just a few of your very, very dumb tattoos. Four letter knuckle tats That say love and hate

Ooh, opposites You're like that guy from Memento Who needs to be reminded of basic emotions You've got barbed wire wrapped around your heart You've got barbed wire wrapped around your arm You've got barbed wire Wrapped around your hand It's like your body parts are in a concentration camp These are just a few of your dumb tattoos

These are just a few Of your very, very dumb tattoos I see by the picture on your chest That you have a child Congratulations Either that was a terrible artist Or your baby just opened The arm filled the covenant

Ooh, your baby's melting And what's up with all the spider webs Ooh, your baby's melting. And what's up with all the spider webs all over your body? Are you trying to say you haven't washed in a while? Or is your shoulder haunted? Ooh, haunted children I'm scared Me too Of your dumb tattoos

Betty Boop, Dreamcatcher, Puzzle Piece, James Dean Pitbull, mustache, fullback, angel wings Rainful Dead, Rainbow bear, Jesus fish, Jimi Hendrix. Barcodes, dragons, red hot chili peppers, asterisks. These are just a few of your dumb tattoos. And we're touching

a nerve. We are. These are just a few of your very, very dumb tattoos. Thanks, you guys. Thank you. Thank you.