Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 405: Car Harmonica with Dan Telfer

Episode Date: November 30, 2015

Comedian Dan Telfer joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's Bullseye tour, Jordan's Thanksgiving dinner Facebook troubles, and Jesse and Dan's childhood urge to collect things.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hi Jordan, how are you, friend? Jesse, I'm doing great. I'm back from tour. Yeah, and you look, I was going to say world-weary.

Yeah. But then I thought that that might be insulting. Yeah, it is. Yeah. True. So I'm just going to say- Granted. You look like you've lived.

You look like you've seen some shit. Okay. Again, that's still insulting. You're going to have to pick something less insulting to say. You should say that I look- Hey, Jesse. Yeah. I got one. Yeah. Hey hey jesse you're back from

tour right yeah i am man did it make your dick thicker thank you very much old dick in there thank you very much jordan where did you get that did you get that in the the philly stop or at the brooklyn stop washington dc our nation's capital i got it from the president of the united states brock obama yes brock hussein obama granted he's not he's not my president he's a president you know what i mean some would call him a president i call him the president of kenya jordan sure well come on that's where he's from yeah but it was nice of him to give you that thick old dick yeah dick. Yeah, I thought it was, too. It turns out, you know, Congress is deadlocked, Jordan. I don't know if you know that. Boy, yeah.

It's difficult to get anything through Congress. But the president, thankfully, has been using his executive powers. So that's how my dick got thicker. Now, is that just the neck of the turkey he pardoned? Yeah, exactly. Roughly speaking, yeah. He pardoned it briefly. Yeah, exactly. Roughly speaking. He pardoned it briefly.

Then killed it. Then used the neck to elongate and thicken your penis. Usually the speech when he pardons the turkey is about the spirit of togetherness and so on and so forth. In this case, he just went out there and said, he did use the teleprompter, but he went out there and said, went out there and said, he did use the teleprompter, but he went out there and said, I hereby pardon this turkey from eating that it might and thicken.

Jesus Christ, this is stupid. Then he gave you a little point from across the Rose Bowl. Oh, one of those great president points. Yeah. Oh, man. You know, I mean, I know that we're not nuts about his policies and- Yeah, you can say that again. The fact that he's been lying about being from Kenya, but-

Sure. Stand-up guy otherwise. Show me the birth certificate. That's what I say. Where is it? Show me the birth certificate. But other than that, pretty stand-up guy. Well, I mean, I like his pointing.

Sure. I'll grant you two things, Jordan. I don't like his policies. No. I don I like his pointing. Sure. I'll grant you two things, Jordan. I don't like his policies. No. I don't like his attitude. I don't like a foreigner being president. Sure. A homosexual foreigner at that.

Yeah. So those are things that I don't like about the president, okay? The two things I do like about the president, number one, the pointing. Number two, the dick. Sure. You know how you do that if you're going to be visiting washington dc you have to write a letter to your congressman so i wrote a letter to my congressman to see if the president could do anything about my member and then he came through

in spades yeah it was a public radio tour for NPR. Sure. Have I mentioned that? I'm an NPR host. Seriously, I had a great time on the tour. You know what people want to talk to me about on the tour? Hmm. You. Well, just like what I was up to or- Just how much they love you.

What am I like in person? I got multiple requests. What am I like in person? I got multiple requests. I'm talking about three requests to either give someone your phone number or give someone's phone number to you. Okay. And this was presuming that in the future we would go on tour to these cities. Is this so me and that person could arrange sex or is this just so we could text each other memes? I mean, I don't think those two things...

I'm interested in both. I don't think those two things are exclusive of each other. I should mention that our guest we've not introduced is making a pretty sweet P in the V motion. Yeah, real serious. Well, let's introduce our guest. Let's do it. Now that, yeah. You know him as a stand-up comedian.

He's got a brand new record on AST Records. You know him as a past guest on this very program, comedian Dan Telfer. Hello, Jesse. Hello, Jordan. Now, the P and the V motion you were making while we were talking about that was one of the most violent P and the Vs I have. Here's the thing about me and my P and the V motions. I got real long gangly arms and I know it. And my hand-eye coordination is not great unless I'm holding a video game controller

with them. Sure. So what I'd like to do is just slap it at the old V. So this is like we're two blind people who love to just fuck from six feet apart and just run away again and just slam into each other again. Nobody's getting hurt, but it's the way they like to do it. I see what you mean. I can

see in your P&V motion the P&V motion that I imagine a less coordinated NBA center would make. Yeah, I got the maneuverable P&V. You got the Yinka Darre P and the V. And I think something that was noteworthy about this P and the V is that the V was slamming the P as hard as Vice.

I'm a feminist above all else. Right, yes. And I think I appreciate that. All the ladies in the audience appreciate that. I was also impressed by the sheer distance involved. It makes me wonder if you've ever put your P in a V, Dan, because— I have sired two children. Dan has a father twice over, so—

There was about a yard between them every time. And like a traditional P in the V, you might start far away, but then once the P goes in the V, once the index finger enters the ring made by the left hand, you kind of speed it up and keep it close. Whereas, Dan, you were doing it as though it was a semaphore signal, like full body extension. We've got a lady in a really expensive fuck swing and an indecisive man who's not sure. Right.

Right. I mean, you paid all that money for the fuck swing. Yeah. So she's aggressively having at it, and he's, like, mostly hitting the mark. Okay. I can see it now. It's a very vivid word picture that you've painted. I have a vivid imagination.

Are there more affordable fuck swings? Is there a range available? Oh, for sure. There's, like, you go to Target and you get a fuck swing. It doesn't have a lot of dexterity involved. It's got a lot of like hard joints. It doesn't move a lot. It's got kind of hard plasticky leather.

You know, I got one at H&M and it just fell apart the first time I watched it. Yeah. It would cost nine bucks. So, you know, you can't complain too hard. Right. One of those artisan handcrafted fuck swings. They use a lot of like, you know, hand woven material. Reclaimed wood. Can I recommend, still a good value, but I got the Jill Sander fuck swing from Uniqlo.

Okay. Doing a collaboration. Sure, yeah. It's very stylish. Yeah, sure. Sort of minimal. Not a lot of branding on it. Exactly.

I thought that was very nice from the Uniqlo plus J collection. I don't want to look at a lot of logos while I'm on a fuck swing. So, okay. Fuck swings and P&B motions. plus j collection i don't want to look at a lot of logos while i'm on a fuck so okay fuck swings and pnb what's your favorite fuck and dick thickening aside yeah i do want to say uh first of all thank you thank you to everyone who came out to the shows on on my bullseye tour you can listen to them on bullseye we had some it was like some real amazing amazing shows and uh so that was great but also thank you to everybody you know i talked to a lot of people after shows um a lot of jordan jesse go fans came out um and shared with me what the show means to them so that was really nice and

thank you very much everybody for that and um thanks to every single female who came to the show for talking to me about having a crush on Jordan. Sure. And, hey, Jordan just had a world tour, right? Is that what this is leading to? Yeah, I think that's what we're prepared to announce. I just need to meet some nice people to text memes to. I first met you guys. That's what I'm just – if anybody's out there in radio land.

It was like 2009, 2010 I met you guys when you were on tour doing a little Chicago journey. Yeah, in Chicago. Yeah. That's a while ago now. Chicago, Illinois. Is that correct? That's what it used to be called. Was that in February?

Might have been. I once went to Chicago in February. It was cold. And I couldn't believe that it was real. I couldn't believe that it was a place that people live. Now, granted. Because of the cold and the wind and whatnot. My personal acceptable temperature range runs from

55 to 70 because I'm from San Francisco. I might... 75. I'll go up to 75 in the summer. I don't mind temperatures in the 70s in the summer. But everything else is uncomfortable to me, so I will grant you that point. But, like, my brother lives in Chicago right now.

He's a dog walker, so he works outdoors. My brother, Brendan, walks around in that nightmare. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And that thing, that nightmare lasts for a solid, I mean, it's five months of full nightmare. And I grew up there, man. What is your Chicagoan local method for beating the cold? You just got to wear so many layers.

Yeah. Just a massive amount of layers. You got to wear your boot. You got to get those mountain climber boots where it takes you 10 minutes to unlace it. You got to keep some extra shoes in your backpack. No wearing vans to work. Sure, no. My friend, those vans will get destroyed.

It's going to soak right through. Yeah. So then you got to get some snap-up pants to put over your normal pants. Wait a minute. Like tearaway pants? Like a basketball warm-up pant? We've already established that I am an NBA center. Right.

So I just have these laying around. Right. And then when you get to work, you rip them off to the strains of y'all ready for this. I'm not going to push that. I am an NBA center. Right. So I just have these laying around. Right. And then when you get to work, you rip them off to the strains of y'all ready for this. Yes. Yeah. And then, yeah, you get yourself a coat. You get a scarf.

You get a hat. Maybe one of those little face masks so the wind doesn't actually hit. Because I think the worst part is just the air touching your face. Right. You know, your hands you can put in your pockets, even if you forget your gloves, whatever. You put them in your jean pocket, you'll live. It sucks, but whatever. Your face, the synapses are screaming at you like, I am going to just peel off. Your skull is being abandoned right now.

Like, this is the end. So you got to get one of those little scarves or face mask deals, I think. It snows, though, so you get a white Christmas. It does. And it's lovely. And I do miss it. I've lived out here for, you know, like three years now, so I do miss having a white Christmas, as we are about to not have.

Are you teaching your children to, because they probably— To put an H sound in front of a W and say the word white? Yes. Yes, I am. I went to theater school for it. Thank you for noticing. Yeah, sure. You've got to hit those consonants.

Am I teaching them that snow doesn't exist? Or, like, just to, like, bundle up. Thank you for noticing. Yeah, sure. You've got to hit those consonants. Am I teaching them that snow doesn't exist? Just to bundle up. Just maybe have them do some drills in case you guys do spend Christmas in Chicago. Yeah, maybe. We just went to Zoo Lights last night. We went to the old zoo late at night, and we had to bust out the old Chicago coats because it was down to like 45. Yeah.

But I've been to Minneapolis. Have you been to Minneapolis? I've never. I've always wanted to go to Minneapolis. That kicks Chicago in the dick as far as cold weather goes. Oh, yeah? Oh, my goodness. Is that America's coldest city? Probably.

It's probably like Fargo or some shit. Portland to Maine. Perhaps. I've not been that far in the northeast. I've been to Minneapolis, too. East Isington? What Minneapolis doesn't have on Chicago is Chicago. I've been to it both in February and in a tolerable time of year, like a September or something. We got that autumn.

Or October. You know, in the six weeks of tolerable weather in Chicago. Amazing. It's an amazing city. It's such a beautiful city. It's really, it's just wonderful. We got trees. You got gorgeous trees and beautiful houses,

very affordable relative to your major coastal cities. This is true. Although people in Chicago think that it's expensive because they're comparing it to Gary, Indiana or whatever. Yeah. Built a couple of Batmans there. People like to tell you about that. Chicago think that it's expensive because they're comparing it to Gary, Indiana or whatever. Yeah. But... A couple of Batmans there. People like to tell you about that. Yeah, exactly. People tell you about the Blues Brothers.

My dad was in Blues Brothers, by the way. Really? Yes. Does he have lines? No. Does he have words in it? No, but you can spot him sliding over like a police car in an army officer's uniform. Oh, cool. It's pretty fun.

Going hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. So people in Chicago talk too much about Blues Brothers, but I talk too much about Blues Brothers. You know what? The Blues Brothers is great. Yeah, Blues Brothers is really good. That is definitely one of those like 70s comedies that your dad will like to talk about that actually holds up, you know? Yeah, well, and I remember just being a kid and going like, oh, this is actually like i i get how this is dark and funny and i'm a kid sure which i think is rare like i think most of the time when you your parents like that was how i found out what nazis

were it's from the blues and that's honestly how all kids should learn about nazis yeah and i think that you know it really like how much like crazy funny stuff happens in that movie really like really glosses over the fact that the Blues Brothers themselves are not funny. Yes, that really is true. Like, they're just dancing men. And the concept just makes no sense. Yeah, yeah. They really did an amazing job turning what is really the worst Saturday Night Live recurring sketch ever.

Because it's not even really a sketch. It's just like, hey, remember how we have a musical guest? Look at these dudes. Yeah. I know. What's amazing about it is not only did they make that movie, they made albums. They have like a Platinum Plus album. Their first album, they were selling out like the Hollywood Bowl and stuff.

They were selling out like the Hollywood Bowl and stuff. Well, to this day, they technically still have a series of very successful live music venues. What's amazing is that it's like, oh, is that even real now? To my mind, it speaks to the depth of baby boomer racism. Like these guys in like 1980 were introducing the black popular music of 1965 to America. Like huge, huge hit songs. You know what? That Aretha Franklin really is pretty good. Who is this?

James who? James Broon? Yeah, that is the amazing thing to me because like their movie, to their credit, their movie had a lot of actual talented black singers. Yeah, although it has a fair amount of them doing stuff and they are awful.

They're awful. Well, sure, but they look silly doing their little step routines. Yeah, their little things. That's fine. It's fun watching fat people. But it's a great fun movie. I mean, they're both great at being in the movie.

Yeah. How does your dad, how does a young, let's say, Bruno Telfer. I don't know. You're close. Yeah? It's Bill. Bill, okay. Well, yeah.

How does a young Bill Telfer get a non-speaking, sliding over a car role in Blues Brothers? Well, that's a great question because I don't have the exact answer to that, sir. But I will tell you that much as myself, he went to theater school, was like a theater guy. Sure. I'm sure they had some kind of local audition for, hey, you want to be an extra? Prove that you can say this line if you have to say it. Sure.

That you can wear this costume without falling down. And you're in. My uncle was in it also on my mom's side. Oh, wow. It's a family affair. My mom's brother and my dad were both wearing those uniforms. You can just see my dad a little better. Now, did you try out for Blues Brothers 2000?

I most certainly did not. I haven't tried out for a lot of movies, but when I was in college, I did audition for Carrie 2. Oh, okay. Which was real fun. Carrie 2 The Rage? Yeah. Carrie 2 The Rage.

One of my favorite bylines of all time. It was great because at the time, I was into stage combat and I was a little beefier. Sure. So I auditioned for The Jock, which was still hilarious because I was still pretty nerdy back then. And the lines were just the worst. Do you know who The Jock role went to? I don't remember. No.

There was a solid month where I was like, I'm going to remember this name. It was cool. But then the meaninglessness of the audition. LeVar Burton. And now thatlessness of the- LeVar Burton. And now that's why you hate LeVar Burton. I love LeVar. I finally got to meet LeVar Burton on At Midnight. That was a good time.

Oh, yeah. He did come into At Midnight. Yeah, yeah. I didn't go up to him. I was a little like, he's one of those celebrities where you are like, oh, I guess I have a lot of feelings about you, LeVar Burton. Like, I didn't, you know, you get hit with some of these celebrities sometimes. We've had three on the show where I was like,

I don't have to shoot a behind-the-scenes video with you for social media, but I might try to because if I can meet you, my heart will explode. And it was LeVar Burton, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Eddie Izzard. And the three of them, I was just was just like gotta make sure i see them i want to make eye contact please like just totally making sure that happened one time r2d2 came on the show too oh and we all lost our goddamn yeah i was like all right another goofy star wars thing on at midnight but But when R2-D2 came on and started to beep, I was like, you know what? This is great. R2-D2 is awesome.

Listen to him beep. He's right there and he's beeping. And a man with a remote control car thing is making him beep. The guy, he let me do a backstage video with him too. Sure, sure. The guy who drove R2-D2? Yeah. Okay. So, like, we're literally doing a sketch, me and R2, about him playing Candy Crush when he wasn't supposed to. Yeah.

And afterwards, I was like, can I hug R2-D2? And the dude holding the remote made R2-D2 make, like, a sound while I was hugging him. And I almost started sobbing. He's like, George Lucas' policy? You may hug, you may not fuck. Well, the dude is cool. Do not fuck R2-D2. What was awesome about it was he built it himself

and it was his thing and you get permission from Lucasfilm to do this. But it's all self-motivated. You get to just become a licensed advocate for Lucasfilm. Much as the way the 501st legion gets to build their own stormtrooper outfits and just wear them around and make them look exactly same but then they're like a volunteer organization they go visit kids in

hospitals so like i bet if i was a sick kid i would like to see r2d2 but if you were a kid would you want to see a stormtrooper? They need to clear out the hospital. Now, I know some people in the 500 First Legion. I have an answer for that. I know some sick kids. The answer, well, that also. I've been thrown up on several times. Yeah.

They can't fucking wait to see him. Kids aren't scared of stormtroopers. They're the dumbest villains of all time. Oh, yeah. They're constantly missed. They've never killed a single person. They're the dumbest villains of all time. Oh, yeah. They're constantly missed. They've never killed a single person. They're dummies. You can easily fit into their outfits

if you knock them out. They're vaguely threatening because their face is made to resemble an archetypal skull, but other than that, they're just like, look at those goofy dingbats. So kids are always excited. They don't care. I would be afraid to meet Maria from Sesame Street. That'd be pretty intense, huh?

Holy shit. Can you even imagine? I met Big Bird. Mm-hmm. And I have a photograph of me with Oscar the Grouch. That's pretty good. Both of those were pretty intense. That's the same guy, by the way.

Both of those were pretty intense. He's been doing it for a long time. I feel like I am imprinted on Maria. Hmm. Also, Maria... She just retired, didn't she? She just retired, yeah. And she's like 65 or something like that. And she did it for 40 years. She's still very

good looking. That's another thing that Maria would find disconcerting about it. Maria is very good looking. And I think Oscar just retired. A couple of them did it for 40 years and looked amazing the whole time. Now, does Oscar no longer live at Sesame Street, or does another guy do him?

No, he's still at Sesame Street. Okay, but you said he retired. No, I don't think Oscar retired. No, is it Louise? I'm thinking of the guy, the man. Oh, Louise was Maria's husband on the show. Yeah, Louise and Maria were both on the show. They were my parents on the show.

They retired. Not Oscar the Grouch. Okay. I literally just got the name wrong. I was watching Sesame Street the other day, and something occurred to me, which is like, I think that just, I mean, the neighborhood I grew up in is nothing like Sesame Street. Sesame Street is so New York-y. But it wasn't a good neighborhood, right?

Like, didn't you want to say- Like, I just think that the fact, I think it was like the only show I watched or have ever seen that was just in a city neighborhood. And that I realized like as a 33-year-old watching it with my son, I was like, holy shit. That means so much to me. Like compared to like Mr. Rogers House or something. I mean, I love Mr. Rogers too. But like I was like, holy shit.

This is like a just feeling like it was your neighborhood. Like that meant so much to me also as i said i think i thought that maria and luis were my parents they're sending you secret message about when they were coming to get you exactly they're coming to rescue me from my broken home oh maria well my parents loved me very much sure just hated each other How was Maria and Luis' relationship? Maria and Luis had a wonderful relationship That's one of the reasons I wanted them to be my parents Oh, okay

Yeah It's because they kept it fresh in the bedroom, I bet Oh, you bet they did They looked very young You wouldn't have guessed they aged more than five years in the 20s And Gordon, too Gordon, too Only white people get old

on television. Partly in real life. Yeah, he does look good. Gordon looks great. Gordon looks the same. I mean, he had a shaved head. That helps. But, like, Jordan looks the same as he did in 1983. Yeah. White people have the most

tendency to bloat, I think. Well, also, our skin... we're the bloatiest race. We're like designed to be destroyed by the sun. Like we have the worst like radiation absorbent skin. Like I have so many friends who are like from like parts of Ireland or something, and they just have already had like three melanomas on their face. Whatever just happens. Your face just explodes from touching the air, whatever.

Guys, I'm feeling bloat. I feel like I will bloat. I feel like I am on a track to being roundy. We took cheese too seriously. It's true. We're too into cheese. It's really good, though That's what I've learned. We're too into cheese. It's really good, though. Well, Jordan, I mean, you are a round-faced person.

It's part of your charm. Sure. And I think it's only going to get more severe until I am a sphere. Really? Yeah. Because if you round it out more as you've gotten older. Oh, yeah. And I think what happens is I'm going to turn into a sphere, but then I'll have a knife

that will eject from the front of me like Phantasm. I mean, I feel like at the time- So I'm going to turn into a sphere, but then I'll have a knife that will eject from the front of me like phantasm. I mean, I feel like at the time. So I'm going to be the ball. The times in your life when you have been most and least fit, you have looked almost exactly the same. Sure, yeah. If you were wearing like at least even moderately bulky clothing. And that's not to say, I mean, you always looked like normal, medium. Sure, medium man like normal, medium. Sure.

Medium man. Yeah, exactly. And I think that you should consider that to be a superpower. Sure. Allow yourself to bloat and just enjoy the fact that no one can tell as long as your clothes are on. Sure, yeah. I do plan on being nude more, though. So I think that my transition into nude modeling, although I mean, maybe the,

what, like in art classes or? Oh yeah. Well, yeah. And art classes, art films. Or like freelance freestyle.

Yeah. I mean, everything. Walking down the street. Just whatever. Anybody an artist? Yeah. Anybody want to photograph me and give me some money?

I'm a sphere. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it could, you know, I feel like you could make a strong case if you were a sphere to just not need clothes legally. Like, I think you could get some kind of special pass.

If you were spherical? Yeah. What if you were cubical? Same thing. I feel like if you could suddenly turn the human shape. Conical? Hmm. That's a little offensive.

Cylindrical? No, you're not. Now you're getting in it. That's just offensive. Sorry. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Hey, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy, the host of My Brother, My Brother and Me.

I'm Travis McElroy, another host of My Brother, My Brother and Me. And I'm Griffin McElroy, the host. Are Brother, My Brother and Me. I'm Travis McElroy, another host of My Brother, My Brother and Me. And I'm Griffin McElroy, the host. Are you anywhere near Huntington, West Virginia? Probably not. But if you are, or will be, on December 21st, you should come out and see us. We're doing our family comedy podcast, Hootenanny, called Candle Nights. It's our second year, and we think it's just going to be great. Come join us.

Come have a sip of the eggnog. Have a sip of whatever holiday beverage you want, because this Candle Nights, baby, is a pan-religious, pan-sexual, personal pan-holiday. Tickets are available at bit.ly forward slash Candle Nights 2. We hope to see you there. And we hope to not curse. That's the plan, at least. Bring your babies, bring your aunt, bring whoever. Bring the meter maid.

It's Candle Nights, baby. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dan Telfer, reclusive insect. Hey. Like a trapdoor spider? Yeah, you got it, buddy. Oh, boy, they'll grab you. I want to take this opportunity to mention a couple of things, if I might. Sure. Number one, MaxFunCon tickets just went on sale.

Great. They're selling like hotcakes. So if you want to go to MaxFunCon, go to MaxFunCon.com to get your tickets. Always a blast. June 10th through 12th, I think it is, in 2016. Don't quote me on that. Look at the website. But that's from memory.

But usually those tickets sell out around Christmastime. So, you know, if you want to go, get them now. The other thing is, you know, I'd have this menswear blog. I'll put this on. You know this, Jordan. Did you know this? I'm aware of this. Yeah. So I had this whole menswear blog called Put This On you know this Jordan did you know this? I'm aware of this I had this whole menswear empire

not bragging it's just reality you know I try and live in reality you call a spade a spade you call an empire an empire exactly so I got this whole menswear empire if you are looking for a gift

for a gentleman in your life go to putthisonshop.com which is our store. We have not only, we've always had pocket squares and a pocket square subscription service, both of which make wonderful gifts. We also have some beautiful scarves and a ton of amazing vintage knickknacks and doodads. Oh. Elegant ones.

Oh, yes. and doodads. Oh. Elegant ones. Oh, yes. The bad news is the foot-tall chrome 1960s

salesman has been sold. That's a shame. Scott Simpson bought that. Oh, there you go. Scott Simpson from You Look Nice Today bought that.

But tons of beautiful things. So if there's a guy in your life that needs a gift or if you just want to get something for yourself, put this on shop.com.

And I made a Jordan, Jesse go exclusive code. Hey, full short. Okay. That's your free shipping. Nice States. So short.

There you go. It's a lots of beautiful stuff. And Oh, Oh, and the other thing is we're doing a, we're doing a thing here in the office on December 12th, me and Jennifer and Christian Duenas, the,

the legendary guy whose grandpa's favorite genre of movie is talking dog movies uh are all going to be here in the office and we're going to have a put this on sale i've also invited a a friend from the vintage circuit who whose clothes i really like she has really great men's stuff so december 12th here in los angeles uh you can find more information about that at put this on.com, but it'll be 10 to 4. It'll be right before we record Jordan, Jesse, go, and we'll be in here moving units, and we will have special in-person only prices on everything that are less than the standard internet prices. Not more than that. Sounds lovely.

We will be marking everything up. Sure. Jesse, can I actually segue into some fashion advice request from you? You know, I would rather you hoverboard into some fashion advice stuff. It's a little more now. It's a little more current. That's the sound it makes. Uh-huh.

It is 2015, the year of the hoverboard. I should have thought of that first. Hey, I used to wear a lot of clothes by these guys, the Penguin Munsingwear people. Uh-huh. Are you a fan of them? That is a made-up thing. Well, I mean, I think they're perfectly fine. It's one of those things.

It's one of those companies that went out of business and then just licensed its brand all over everywhere. Well, but they still had, like, a collection every year. Yeah. like a collection every year yeah and i found they were quite delightful affordable even collections right up until like 2009 10 ish and then they kind of got more mainstreamy kind of dull kind of blue and and like when i mean blue i mean literally blue like gap blue like everything you like the fun colors i love the fun colors i'm an autumn color kind of guy sure where can i go for such thing another thing i liked was they actually had clothing in my size i'm like you i'm a very tall gentleman where do i go for like a nice blazer with some piping that costs you know like less than a thousand dollars like where where do i go for

like like a nice a nice button-down short-sleeved shirt that's a fun pattern and just not hot garbage? Where do I go for these things, Jesse? I used to be a gentleman, but I don't know where to turn anymore. Do you think maybe the penguin people have some sort of bunker you could raid? It's tempting. Oh, man, I've bought stuff off of Amazon.com that's like five-year-old penguin clothes. How tall are you, Dan? I'm six foot five when I'm not slouchy.

Yeah, so you pretty much always wear a tall size, right? Pretty much. However, in some cases, not needed. Okay. Sometimes tall just means baggy. You know, this is like the simplest thing in the world, but L.L. Bean and Land's End both have tall sizes and pretty much everything. Sure. I know these places. They both have huge, expansive ranges of things that include a lot of fun things.

And they're not going to be like fully goofy. Well, where is a cut above those places? I know these places. These places have been around since I was in high school. Well, I mean, I think it depends on what you're – Give me a trendy vibe. Okay. Tell me what you're give me a trendy vibe okay um but i mean for a trendy vibe i think it may be i think it may be it may be that the uh trend that you're interested in surfing here is a trend from 2006 but what's the 2016 version of that 2006 trend

might be able to find something at bonobos, if you looked in there. A little bit, yeah. I mean, I think the reason I say L.L. Bean, especially I like L.L. Bean's signature, which is sort of their slightly fashion-ier line. I like that I'm not being talked down to now. Land's End has a similar brand called Land's End Canvas. Both of them, what I like about them is a very high quality clothing for the price um especially land's end um and they have tall sizes and everything all right um and that's that's two things that's two things that are probably worth looking at but that kind of

yeah i mean i'm just a little bit of sauce i know it's outdated that's so it's why i'm looking for the 2016 give me some time to think about it. Let's talk about Thanksgiving in the meantime. Jordan, how was your Thanksgiving? It was nice. Family's down in Orange County, so it's not a far drive for me. Plus, you're already going to that glow-in-the-dark store at the Irvine Spectrum. I mean, you got to be there for their door busters. I've been meaning to compliment you on your frosted tips, too. Oh, thanks.

No, it's nice. I mean, I got a guy down there, Chet. Yeah. And, you know, every year, you know. He actually does it in the back of his lifted pickup truck. Yeah, it's really, really nice. I mean, his storefront got closed down, unfortunately, when Chronic Tacos moved in. But, you know, he's mobile now, which is, I think, kind of the business model of the future.

And you just send him a text and he rolls the F-150 right up to where you are, froths the tips in the back, high-fives you. Sucks your dick and he's on his way. Good old Chet. Yeah. Give him a call next time you're in Huntington Beach. Sure. It was nice. But I have something that happened last year that happened again this year that I think will – it seems like it will become a tradition is having to explain something from Facebook to my mom. Oh, yeah.

Like that I put onto Facebook. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. I think I use – so my Twitter account pushes to, and I usually use Twitter to make a little joke and, you know, to promote the podcast and stuff. But I think usually what's on there other than, you know, podcast promotion and show promotion is just little jokes that I take in literally. You're one of the most disciplined tweeters I know in that you really don't ever post a thought on Twitter. Sure, yeah. Just to write.

We're talking 95% jokes, 5% links to the latest episode of Jordan Messing. And yeah, I think that's how I like it. I feel like that's, you know, I think that's... That's how most people probably want to receive their Twitter from a comedian yeah it feels good to me i feel yeah i feel like i don't you know uh i don't think anybody's interested in hearing what i think about benghazi uh mainly because i don't know what's it i'm so i'm actually i so i want to bring up the tweet that uh that i had to benghazi who's's he? He... I don't know. I want to bring up the...

I should have prepared for this. I want to bring up the tweet that I had to explain. So actually, while I'm bringing it up, can you guys vamp a little bit? Sure. Well, I've certainly had

similar things happen to me that I think has happened to Jordan where I've told a joke and my parents took it very literally. I'll often joke about like, oh, my daughter just punched me in the nuts. Maybe that happened three months ago.

Right. But I just thought of a joke about what it's like. You're looking at how to phrase it. Yeah, and finally the joke hits me and I'm like, I don't need to be literal and honest,

but then I will get like texts from my parents saying, oh my God, are you okay? It's like, no, the joke was I got, you know, like uppercutted Ryu style in the testicles by a three foot tall person.

And my parents are like, OK, but did it hurt? Like, I'm like, I don't want to tell a story about being punched in the testicles. I want to tell a joke about being punched in the testicles. Yeah. And I think I think just something that's interesting is that that our mom's Facebook accounts are are probably just filled with so much earnestness. Yes. They want to keep in touch with their family and their friends, and they don't understand that for perhaps a younger generation, we see that this may not last much longer, this whole social media.

My mom's account, I would say, is primarily like a picture of Cesar Chavez in which he looks handsome. It doesn't Cesar Chavez look handsome in this picture. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm sure my mom's is only babies, grandchildren of people that she knows. Yeah. And then maybe some like inspirational stuff.

Maybe, you know, a – What are those knit things people put up? They like knit a little circle. What are those things? Oh, I don't know. I don't think I've seen these. It's got like a saying in it like, hey, for every penny you save, an angel high-fives a dinosaur. Like there's some kind of like – you know what I'm talking about?

I do not. It's like moms hang them up on their wall. A little embroidery. Embroidery, yeah. Like an embroidery loop or whatever it's called. Yeah. Okay. So Jordan.

The one I had to explain last year was. Was this at the dinner table? This was at the dinner table. And this was brought up in a tone like, hey, I just wanted to add. Like it was like, you're gay, aren't you? Like that was the tone. It started out like, just admit to us. Your mom, your sister, your sister's husband.

Yeah. Your mom's husband. Yeah. Your mom's husband has kids, right? He does have kids. So, yeah. So, his daughter was there, her husband, and their two young kids. So, it's a full compliment.

This is a pact. Yeah. This is a pact. Yeah. This is pact. So last year it was something about how if like your stepdad won't let you vape at the Thanksgiving table to say fuck it and eat in your car. And then I had to explain that I was not actually mad at my stepdad. And I had no interest in vaping. But it's a complicated thing. Like what if it wasn't true but also you were interested in vaping. Yeah it's a complicated thing like like what if you what if it wasn't true but also you were interested in vaping yeah right yeah now i took a huge drag but yeah that's such a hard

thing to to explain like okay well i'm not me in that situation i'm some other guy yeah uh and he is saying this and he is funny yeah but i know i didn't indicate that wasn't me i know there's a picture of me and then that text yeah anyway uh so you're essentially you are having to explain semiotics to your parents sure uh this one is actually in that same genre the one that got them worried this year was um i'm hoping it's the one that i i retweeted oh uh i'm looking at the fave star and i do not see a dantel retweet here. Could have used it. This was not a very popular tweet. Okay. And I'm not blaming you and I thank you for all

of your support. You know what? The one I retweeted did okay. I feel like I did something. I appreciate that. Sometimes I miss your tweets and I feel guilty about it. No, you know, you just gotta sit down on a Sunday afternoon after you get done with the New York Times crossword puzzle. Pour yourself another cup of coffee. Go to twitter.com slash Jordan underscore Morris

and just peruse. Can I tell you- Make it part of your weekend. Can I tell you that Barney Frank backstage at the Boston Bullseye show, former Congressman Barney Frank, came in, just grumbled at everyone because he was there early,

but he wasn't about to go on stage. He was pretty annoyed and grumbled at Julia. Sat down in the dressing room next to the band Mission of Burma and just didn't talk to anyone and did an entire New York Times crossword puzzle in like the 15 minutes until the show started. Hell yeah. Then walked up and was the most charming man in the world

as soon as he hit the stage. Hey, you know, maybe that kind of mental time with the crossword puzzle helps you get in the zone. Just left that crossword puzzle behind. Nice. You should frame it. Yeah, I should. But there's a lot of frank heads on the internet who would like to have that. That's true.

Yeah. Anyway, so this is the one. The same similar genre, too, I'm noticing. The entire, this is the tweet. So this is the one. The same similar genre, too, I'm noticing. The entire this is the tweet. The entire expression is actually not all who wander are lost and not all who don't pay you back on time are automatically losers.

Dad. So, you know, medium popular tweet. But I think it really rung a bell because my dad is the like villain of our family like the most hated guy in the family so I think they were really concerned that I was taking money from him and being patronizing about it on the internet anyway so it was a very hard thing to explain like no like I'm not I'm doing fine I don't need money I'm the people who read this are not intimately familiar with my father relationship. Yeah, like they don't know. It's just like I'm making a joke about people who like that expression, about how it gives you license to be irresponsible. I don't know.

It was such a hard thing to do, and I don't know if I did it effectively. How deep into – I know I'm really interested in the mechanics of this. Sure. Was it your mother that said something? It was, yeah. But other family – but the rest of the family backed her up and that they also wanted to know what was happening. The hardest part is it's just like you want to be like, so none of you use Twitter. Yeah, I think – so I think where everyone is seeing it is that it's pushed to Facebook.

The land of possible sincerity. Yeah, exactly. The land of, yes, the land of all the feels. So, yeah, it's a tough thing to have to do. And it, I don't know. And I wonder if I should. Well, should what? Oh, I don't know.

Just police myself a little bit more because I don't want to upset. Well, here's what I want to know. Did you, for context, bring up this tweet okay uh i thought the macy's parade was family friendly weird to hear the announcers describe spongebob as a quote tight-shaved no drama fuck boy that does not come up i think it would have backed you up a little bit i think it would have put things into context i think they would have understood oh so i just read more tweets i yes i have more bad language in them. Allow me to continue to describe to you what happens with my social media. Here's another go.

And thank you for your support on that tweet, Dan. You know what? I enjoyed that tweet. Facebook is a really good place for weird drama to start. Totally. Based on a joke you made on Twitter that got automatically posted on Facebook. Yeah, yeah. Based on a joke you made on Twitter that got automatically posted on Facebook. Yeah, yeah.

I have a sort of like an uncle-ish figure in my life who's a very close friend of my dad's named Bob from when I was a little kid. In fact, I think he lived at our house for a while. All of my dad's close friends lived at our house for a while. for a while. All of my dad's close friends lived at our house for a while. I think because my dad was one of the only ones of his close friends who had a place to live consistently.

That's what happens when your dad and all his friends are crazy vets. That's the thing that brings them all together. But anyway, Bob was like, Bob, I have great love in my heart for Bob. He's a wonderful, wonderful guy. And we're Facebook friends now.

And Bob has been on the straight and narrow path for a long time. And he's a very genial guy. if I make a joke about something political or something like that, Bob will just post just an angry thing in all capital letters that's like three sentences long. And he's not like racist or anything. For one thing, he's African-American. So he's not racist against African-Americans, which is one thing you're going to be concerned about with a crazy old friend of your dad's who has an uncle-like figure. But he posts things that are so intense responding to my jokes.

And I'm like, I don't know whether it would be weird because like my Facebook, very little of my Facebook is for people that I actually know. Sure. Like at some point I gave up on – Yeah, I did the same thing. I had to – You get so many requests from people. You're like, oh, they want to know me. They want to see what I'm posting.

And you're like, well, I'm just going to – And I had to stop because I filled up with that. But like still like most people who are seeing my things are not people that are my like real-life friends. They might be someone that I've met at MaxFunCon or something like that, people that I'm acquainted with. But yeah, I don't know what they make of Bob's post on my Facebook. Sure. It is a touchy thing.

I mean, I could probably guess, but what is his general political state? Communist. Okay. Yeah, I would say probably communist socialist anyway do you find that you often agree with him but he's just more capsie caps well dan i don't have political opinions because i'm a professional uh uh i'm a professional journalist for national public radio uh but i can say that usually when Bob is posting something on my page, it is too emphatic in its agreement with my position or the voice of a joke. Yeah.

It like turns a joke into a serious political statement. You're worried about the like – Yeah. So like it's not into a serious political statement. You're worried about the way. Yeah. So like it's not that you disagree with him. It's just that like, oh, you're dragging in another vibe. Yeah. Although I will say this. The other day there was a horrible tragedy.

There often is. A domestic terrorist incident here in the United States. There often is. not letting refugees in really upsets me deeply at my core. On the other hand, it was barely a joke and it was really angry and I didn't need to post it in the immediate aftermath. But it had already gone through to Twitter and my mom posted a comment on it. On Twitter? On Facebook. Okay. Oh, gotcha.

My mom posted a comment on it on Facebook. I mean, that's also a problem with the pushing of things. It's already on another platform. Right. If you want to get rid of something or whatever, deleting it from one, you have to remember to go back and do it on the other one too. Yeah, and Facebook makes it much harder to go in and delete because you've actually got to kind of search to your own profile and dig for a second sometimes. Yeah, Facebook sucks. Jesus Christ.

and dig for a second sometimes. Yeah, Facebook sucks. Jesus Christ. So someone had written a comment on Facebook that extended the premise, and then someone else got angry at them, and then someone else said, I think that first person was joking. It sounds fun.

Yeah, so it was pretty intense, and I was like, this is a mess. But then my mom posted on it, and she said, yeah, and probably Muslim like Obama. And I was like, my mom gets it. Hey, all right. My mom gets it. You know what?

Good work, mom. If Jesse's mom understands the spirit of this thing, then you have a stand-up comedy career. I bet there's more stuff for family to misinterpret with that, right? Yeah. Oh, and there's been a few moments where I've had people in my family say, I've had to block you on Facebook, not because they need to block me, but because they don't know how to unfriend me or unfollow me. I had to block you because I'll make a joke that includes, say, the word Asperger's.

Sure. Not because I am making fun of people with Asperger's, but I'm comparing an attitude towards a thing as if that thing, that inanimate object has as burgers. Like in a completely abstract way. But then my relative will be like. You're obviously talking about a very specific joke. Well, yeah. But this sort of thing has happened to me dozens of times.

This is a chunk Dan has. But I have lots of these chunks. Like that is an example that's happened to me. Sure. Like dozens of times my family will just be like, I can't believe. Because as you may or may not know, sometimes am very politically aggressive sure so uh yeah like i i've i've definitely had to to do it and i've developed i don't tell me if you guys think this is good okay this is just lazy okay because here's my current approach to it first of all i used to do the twitter push facebook i stopped that a

couple years ago sure now what i do is twitter you get away with it. First of all, I used to do the Twitter push to Facebook. I stopped that a couple years ago. Now what I do is Twitter you get away with it 99% of the time. If my family reads something on Twitter and takes it seriously, I literally can just respond and just say, it was Twitter. Remember? Sure. Remember Twitter? Yeah, yeah. Remember what that is? Right.

But if they do it on Facebook, my new thing is about every third status update, I just make sure to mention how much I hate Facebook. Okay. Is that helping? Yeah. hate Facebook. Is that helping? I have a lot of things where I don't post any pictures of my children on social media. I try to make it clear even on Facebook, this is barely sincere. Sometimes

I'll be like, hey, my wife is looking to buy a camera. Does anyone have advice? But I'll make sure to load it with enough jokes where people don't think, oh, Dan, this works. Yeah, that Facebook. Serious sometimes. Those Facebook secret modes. So like occasionally I want to post pictures of my children and not share them with people that I don't know.

I'm not worried about it. Sure. But I'm like, this is more of a thing for friends and family. I know. I do a zero. I have a zero to zero post. It is weird when there's like a picture of, you know, me at a wedding or a picture of me and my family at Thanksgiving. And like, you know, I'm looking at it and I'm looking at the comments and feeling nice about it. And then there's something from like a guy I had a UCB class with. And it's just like, eh, I don't know.

This is weird. So I went through all my shit. The whole, all my friends I think I've done. And I took out, I put to acquaintance all the people that I don't really know. Which took a long time because I have the whatever, the number of people that you're allowed to have. 4,000 or something like that. Yeah, 5,000 is the max. I'm hovering around 3,000 right now. So I went through everybody and I moved the people that I don't

know, that I'm not friends with in real life to acquaintance, which I'm glad to have them read because most of my stuff is for the public. And you make it for acquaintance. But the tricky thing is as soon as someone else is tagged or someone else likes it,

everyone they know can see it. Sure. It all of a sudden reverts to being public. So it's like totally useless. Yeah. And just in general, that whole Facebook thing of like, oh, you know, my friend Melissa liked an incredibly personal thing her friend posted and I don't know my friend Melissa's friend. I now have in my timeline. Yeah.

You have to see Melissa's friend's thing about their dead dog. Yeah, like, yeah, so this complete stranger's dead dog announcement is just at the top of my timeline because Melissa liked it.

I would say that the main, first of all, why do you like a dead dog announcement, Melissa? Sure. The main thing that Facebook is good for

right now is just the Can I Pet Your Dog Facebook group just pumps dog pics into my timeline. Just boom, boom, boom, boom. Pumps them in there. Boom, boom, boom, boom. is just the Can I Pet Your Dog Facebook group. Just pumps dog pics into my timeline. Just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, man, I'm talking about scruffers.

I'm talking about fluffers. I'm talking about biggins. I'm talking about little ones. All kinds. I wonder if that would help my Facebook experience if I joined one group that I enjoyed. Yeah. I'm in like 10 LA area comedy jobs or like la underground comedy five five like bullshit yeah just find i mean i don't know what your jam is i don't know if it's you

know there's a particular animal if it's that's what i gotta i gotta pictures of galaxies uh salacious crumb as jedi uh fan group yes yes yes the fan group explaining why Salacious Crumb was really a Jedi. You got to be real careful with those Facebook groups. Teresa has this Facebook group. My wife, Teresa, for her podcast, One Bad Mother. And I had to check out of it because it got so real. And it's amazing. People in there are so supportive and so

wonderful and uh so lovely to each other in extraordinary ways like almost no other community i've ever been part of on the internet but it's heavy bro it's like shit. Like this is a real, real life problem. I don't think I can help with this. I don't have enough helping inside of me. Yeah. Yeah. I've been getting some real maudlin posts over at the Nerd Poker Facebook group since we had our last episode this last week. This is your Dungeons and Dragons podcast you did with Blaine Kapach.

Blaine Kapach, Brian Fossain, Ken Daly, and Steve Agee in our last iteration. But, yeah, you know, I've only been in it for the last year. It's been around for like three and a half years or something. And people, multiple people quit drinking because of this Dungeons & Dragons podcast. Wow. Multiple people. Did you guys have a sobriety message in it? No.

In fact, I was the only one who wasn't getting high most of the episodes. So like, yeah. What do you say? I quit drinking and started smoking more pot. I used my booze money to buy pot. Would you say that people quit drinking because they saw what the real bottom was when they listened to your show? Sure. It's entirely possible.

You might end up with Dungeons & Dragons. You'll be surprised by the sincerity in any context. It will just start to show up. Yeah. But I also appreciate Facebook more having started to dip my toe more into Reddit, which is, I think, sort of the anti-Facebook. Sure, yeah. We have a really wonderful Reddit group, but I have to figure out how to engage Reddit people. I'm not good at it.

I had people saying really nice things about me on Reddit, and I would pop in and just be like, oh, thanks so much. And they'd be like, hey, as long as you're here, here's some really critical, insulting advice. long as you're here here's some really critical yeah insulting uh advice yep and then yep my when my and i would and my bad comedian instinct is i'll be a little snarky yeah should just show off how they're it's like whoa right and then they're like you know you are the biggest fucking asshole for being snarky when all i did was give you constructive criticism i'm like where am i it's reddit it's reddit's innate innate like need to be a little detective to be a little detective like they and to and to play into that internet tone

that i think is mainly meant to be funny but often will tip over into shut the fuck up the uh you're doing it wrong yeah pancakes you're doing them wrong tie in your shoes you're doing it wrong it's that thing of like okay i get where that is fun but also shut the fuck up stop i i will say this shut the fuck up. Stop. I will say this. Shut the fuck up. I enjoy using Reddit. There are fun places on Reddit. There's a lot of fun to be had on Reddit and I recently visited the headquarters of Reddit and had a

very nice meeting with one of the founders of Reddit. I'm not here to say bad things about Reddit. The fellow from Reddit came on at midnight a couple times and I was really nice. Yeah. So it is not a. The instigator for this conversation was I have to learn how to use Reddit.

I literally don't know how to react. I will say that it is one of the world's epicenters of mansplination. Sure. Yeah. It is definitely a place for people to tell you something they know. And men doing it. Yeah. Men.

Yeah, you bet it's dudes. Fucking dudes. Those are dudes. You know, our friend Winter Mitchell, one of the co-hosts of Pop Rocket, recently took a job at Reddit. And she got bitten by that. She got bitten in the rear there for a minute by the angry Redditors. Yeah. A lot of racism and sexism went her way.

Oh, my. But she figured out how to steer the ship. Yeah. I mean, I think the thing to do is that it is so vast. It is a vast thing. And to just find the zone that you like. And, you know, you'll get some creepers. I mean our MaxFunReddit is 99.999% sweet, funny, awesome people who love the shows.

But then a rogue agent will slip in every now and then and tell us, you're doing it wrong. bit every now and then and tell us you're doing it wrong um so you know but so yeah i think it's uh i really like r slash obscure media that's a fun place to hang out and look at um like a super nintendo commercial from 1989 or like some you know like a public access workout video from the late 70s. Yeah, and there's really carefully curated pornography on Reddit. There? Yeah, sure. Which, often, if those antagonists start going after you on Reddit, you'll find that is where they spend most of their time. And their comment history is in their carefully curated pornography subreddits.

And just a big shout out to all the ladies for it. Gone wild curvy. You ladies are doing God's work. Thank you for going wild. Self submissions only. Yeah. Self submissions only. Yeah.

I really like Normal Day in Russia. I actually had a game on at midnight that I pitched for this. It's all just camera footage from Russia of just the intense, bleak landscape that is Russia, but the fun being had sort of within it. Some of it's crazy. A lot of parkour. A lot of parkour. Yeah, people jumping off of roofs because they know there's three feet of snow. It'll be fine.

So they'll jump off. They suspect there's three feet of snow. Well, no. Sometimes it'll be like 10 feet of snow, and you'll just see them jump off a six-story building and be like, wee. Holy crap. Yeah. You see a lot of insane car accidents that make no sense. You see sinkholes opening up in highways as they happen.

It's unbelievable. You see bears running down the street. People on bikes running from bears. It's pretty fun. I highly recommend that subreddit. And I think that I think we can all agree as performers, the thing we like most on Reddit is someone coming in and telling us why we're not more famous. Yeah. Explaining to you what you have done.

If you would just do this one thing different. You would be famous. Why aren't you? Do you not want to be? That's always nice, too. I've been told a few times that if I would just be on this one TV show, I would take care of my life problem. Sure. Well, why don't you get on Saturday Night Live, Dan?

I know. That's the big problem. I need to stop auditioning for that show so I can stop being annoyed every time someone tells me that. Okay. Reddit talk over. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Gell. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Talk over. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse. Go.

The three of you enter a cave of a big red dragon and is standing over a horde of precious golden rubies. And he says, what do you do? Adventures. I'm a dragon man. I cast fire on him. It's very good. I address the red dragon to say us. We're the hosts of the Adventure Zone zone a podcast about family playing dungeons and dragons very good synergy commit to the bit i i i roll to charm new listeners it is very effective

against all odds everybody we're the macaroids we host the adventure zones a podcast where we play dungeons and dragons together it's a comedy podcast we don't take the rules too seriously because there's a lot of them and we did not take the time to learn them maybe listen to us we come out every other thursday the Maximum Fun Network. You can find us on iTunes or on MaximumFun.org. I think this promo is a critical hit. Ha, ha, ha, ha, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Wait, a fourth tier of the non-canonical? Former expanded universe rendered non-canonical by the Disney mandate. So tell me about this.

So there was all these Star Wars books. I read a few Star Wars books in middle school. I'm not afraid to admit that. From Timothy Zahn? Yeah. Sure. I played some Star Wars. We've all read a Zahn.

I've played Star Wars TIE Fighter. Sure. I know about TIE Fighter. Yeah, yeah. Dark Forces. A lot of- The Chiss race that birthed Grand Admiral Thrawn, perhaps? Yeah.

I mean, that's one of the best Thrawns. Top two Thrawns. Yeah. Top Thrawn. One day I hope to become a Grand Admiral so I can be Grand Admiral Thrawn. Now, did you have a question, Jesse? Yes. Fourth tier-

I would like to take the floor. So are you talking about fourth tier- Yes. I would like to take the floor. So are you talking about fourth tier comma non-canonical or fourth tier in the non-canonical set? Fourth tier in the former canonical set. Okay, so you're talking about a fourth tier character in a non-canonical text

like one of the books. Correct. So we're talking about a character that did not bear the brunt of any plot. We're talking about a character that did not assist in the plot. We're talking about a character that perhaps did not even get any lines. We're talking about a character that did not bear the brunt of any plot. We're talking about a character that did not assist in the plot. We're talking about a character that perhaps did not even get any lines. We're talking about a character mentioned in an expanded universe text that you hoped you would see more of but ended up not really getting much of at all. Dan, you're wearing Star Wars shoes. I sure as fuck am.

What character are you talking about right now? Is there one in particular? Again, I feel that you're describing something very specific. I mean, I could be talking about one of the other Kwaki and lizard monkeys that is not salacious crumb, but who am I really? Sure. Okay. Let me ask you this question. What's the name of this guy?

I had the toy of this guy when I was a kid. He's got a toy. I bet I know who he is, brother. Okay. So he's got a toy. He's got a name. This is a guy probably from, it's definitely from the first set of Star Wars movies. Do you know which of the three?

No. All right, here we go. He's got on like a purple space shirt, like a maroon space shirt. All right. He's sort of little, and he's- Oh, I bet I know who this is. He's got a kind of a head that looks like a space anteater a little bit. Okay.

Maybe like if you cut an anteater's nose off. Yes, I know exactly who this is. What's that? This would be Snaggletooth, sir. Oh, yeah. That's the guy. Now, where does he... I don't...

Where does he... He's in the Hanna-Barbera cartoons. Seen briefly in the Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars Episode IV, New Hope, formerly known as Star Wars. And you see him right before the Greedo Han Solo scene. You see this little pug-nosed guy hanging out in the background. Now, little known fact, if you were around in the Return of the Jedi era, you could— Thank you, Dan. Before you share this fact with me, I want to thank you for having a little known fact to share with me.

About your little known— About this little known fact. Snaggletooth is a short figure, okay? Not everybody knows Snaggletooth. I think the real nerds out there. It's not like you just, now, we're talking about Luke Skywalker here. Sure, yeah. Little known fact.

And before I continue, I'd like everyone listening to please grab your phone and Google Snaggletooth Kenner action figure so you know exactly what we're talking about. And again, I do want to hear this little known fact, but I think any further discussion of this topic, I think this is just a perfect thing to do on Twitter at Ted Cruz, by the way. So Snaggletooth is a shorter figure. Yeah. He's about half size. You come up to the other character's waist. Does it still sound accurate to you, Jesse?

Yeah, that's the guy. That's the guy, right, brother? That's the one. Holy shit. I nailed it. You nailed it. Go tell for him. Limited edition snaggle tooth in a blue spacesuit.

Oh. Yeah, I see that one. Full height. You see him? Full height. Yeah. Isn't that weird? You did a mail order for that guy.

He was rare, but I had him. I had him. He was a little more pale. Yeah. Jesse, do you- That's the guy. Look at him. Hey, there he is.

Do you now- I'm so proud of myself for getting this. I had this guy. I don't know if I had his gun. Maybe his gun. Maybe I did have his gun. Well, you know what the weird thing with, and you're a couple years younger than me, so I'm sure you can relate to this.

The weird thing with Star Wars action figures where they were like dirt, like the ground was filthy with Star Wars action figures in the 80s. And often, you wanted them all, but there's so goddamn many of them you could go to garage sale and just grab 30 for a dollar. Grab a handful of Star Wars guys. Many parents, I think, got secondhand Star Wars figures for their children, often not including such accessories. Yeah. All of my Star Wars figures were inherited from my dad's girlfriend Susan's son.

It's also where I got my Wolverine comic books. Oh, nice. A lot of good stuff there. Wolverine. I mean, maybe, Jesse, now that you're an adult and you've got a steady income, you should treat yourself to that full-size snaggle tooth. Nah, you know what I'm going to get? A bunch of muscles. Millions of unusual small creatures lurking everywhere.

You're going to get the wrestling ring? Oh, God. Every time. How many times did yours break? I think I talked about this on Judge John Hodgman. Did yours break? I didn't have one. I had one and it broke. My babysitter had the poster that had every single one on it, and that was what I wanted,

was the poster that had every single one on it. And right now, my son is into this thing called Paw Patrol, which is this team of emergency rescue dogs that talk to each other. It is garbage. Although, to be fair, it is the garbage of 2015 when it comes to cartoons that a preschooler might watch dramatically better than the garbage of 1985 when I was a preschooler. What is Paw Patrol on? Paw Patrol, I think, is on Nickelodeon.

All right. I think so. It's not particularly educational. I found the most garbagey shows on your Nickelodeons and your Disney XDs and stuff are still light years ahead of the garbage you'll find on Netflix for children. Yes, that's true. There is stuff on Netflix for kids that is what used to be not only straight-to-video garbage but straight-to-video garbage that maybe had two VHS copies released. And then they were immediately burned. Like stuff you would think would never –

Like a tenth sequel to Land Before Time or something like that. Netflix buys this shit. You'll find kid shows on there. And your child will see it on the menu and say, oh, can I watch that show where those two red pandas are smiling at each other. And you'll be like, oh, sure. And you put it on, and it is the jankiest animation. Like the polygons are running through each other. The plot is about, is cake real?

We don't know. Let's feel sad about cake until one appears. And you're just like, what country is this from? Yeah. Thomas the Tank Engine looks like a pile of garbage now. If you're wondering about that, that's a pile of garbage. I don't like the CGI Thomas. It's really crappy.

When he was a real model, I would suspend my disbelief far more than for CGI Thomas. I mean, not that real model Thomas the Tank Engine is fucking Shakespeare. You know what I mean? That's basically just a list of things you can buy. But, yeah, this Paw Patrol, and I recognize it. I recognize in my son this quality that I have basically tried to lose my entire life, which is getting everyone. And it is. He wants every Paw Patrol.

Yeah, and it means nothing to my wife. Teresa does not understand it at all. And I just had to explain, like, I used to pick things up off the street and save them. I used to want every single one of everything, particularly muscles, millions of unusual small creatures lurking everywhere. But baseball cards, garbage pail kids, comic book cards, comic books. I used to love Alf as a kid. Yeah, sure. And by the way, cartoon far superior to the live action show that started it all.

Well, that's, yeah. Well, that's before he came to Earth. That's, they all takes place on Melmac, right? Yeah. And I like, it was very surreal, very much more sort of dark adult humor. But I was a kid when I watched, I was like seven or eight. Sure. And I still just liked that there was a weird alien house. Anyway.

I can understand how you would be into ALF. I think a lot of young kids are into Alf. I can relate, honestly, because you were into Alf and Melmac, and I was into mid-century dishware. Melmac, specifically. Fire King. I also was really into Fire King. I collected the cards for Alf. Yeah. And in each pack was one Booyah baseball card.

So these had it. Most of the cards were photos from the sitcom. And then one card was a cartoony drawing of a baseball player from Alf's home planet with their Booyah baseball facts, which included a lot of fish gut jokes. Because they would hit just fish guts with a bat. And it was fucking hilarious to me. I wanted all those Booyah baseball cards so bad. hilarious to me. Sure.

I wanted all those Booyah baseball cards so bad. But there was like 7,000 ALF cards and like 50 Booyah baseball. And so you would get the same

Booyah baseball card in every, you wanted all 50. And I remember like the cards had sort of fallen out of circulation and they stopped

showing up in all the hobby shops where I would buy the ALF cards. And I just remember turning to my parents one day and breaking down and saying, I have to – I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get all these Pooey baseball cards. And my dad put an ad in the paper asking if anyone had these Pooey baseball cards.

Oh, dad. I wish I still had the clipping of it. No, it's so sweet. But he put an ad in the paper. And I just think that is beyond adorable. Because imagine even seeing that on Craigslist. Sure, yeah. My son needs.

Really needs bullion. Yeah. And he was very specific. I'm not talking about the sitcom photo cards that are in most packs. These are the cartoon. The more rare. From the fake sport. Did it work?

No. No one responded. And again, imagine a pre-internet age where, like, you're in the Joliet, Illinois newspaper. I know exactly what you're talking about. I remember trying to buy Atari Lynx games for my Atari Lynx. Oh, sure, yeah. It was the same thing before the internet. Pre-Funco Land.

Trying to figure out where the fuck you could get those Atari Lynx things. Jesus Christ, just playing Klax all day. I can't play any more Klax. I know, even though this has amazing stereophonic sound. There was a great era there from 90 to 95 too where there were all these video game consoles that were decent but

died out within a year. Fucking Neo Geo. I think that system cost like $1,700. Neo Geo, very expensive. TurboGrafx-16, which I liked very much and actually hung in there for a while, but only like disparately had a game. I guess, well, I don't know. I was going to say, I guess it's been a while since we've had failed consoles. I guess Nintendo's having a little bit of a rough run of it with theirs these days.

But still, they've got these games coming out where you're like. Compared to us as kids, it feels like there were... It was a more crowded market. More room for failure. Your Jaguar. Your Jaguar. Right. You knew a kid who had a Jaguar and would come to school. Hey, does one of you want to come over and play Jaguar?

Please come play Jaguar. My friend Matt Dobbs from college, who Jordan also knew, actually was the original co-host of The Sound of Young America, but only the first week. And then he got a class he couldn't skip. And Matt Dobbs brought his TurboGrafx-16 to college in prime TurboGrafx-16 reminiscing period. And no one could stop playing, what was that, Goldeneye? No one wanted to stop playing holy shit everybody's

playing but uh uh he couldn't get anyone to play turbo graph he's like remember bonk's adventure and now he's like everyone's like yeah we didn't have one no yeah only you are nostalgic for the turbo i like adventure my brother had one and he wouldn't let most of the rest of us other brothers play it very much but But Bonk's was good. And then there was Zonk. I don't know if you are familiar with Zonk. Oh, he's Bonk's friend from the future. Yeah.

I don't know. Friend, relative. What was the story? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. We'll have to go to the Bonk wiki to. There's got to be one. Guys, direct all your comments about Bonk's adventure.

Bonk and Zonk and how they're related. At Ted Cruz. At Ted Cruz. And we'll be back. At Ted Cruz. At Ted Cruz. And we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, 806-984-4FUN and share your momentous occasion with us. I've called it. It was a long time ago. Did you get on the air?

No. It was a long time. We're talking like 2008 or something. You called in and did not get on the air? No. What was your momentous occasion? I was driving from a stand-up gig in Chicago to one on the Upper Peninsula in Michigan, and my car started getting stuck in the snow in this long stretch of like 10 miles of country road I'm already bored. This is a really

boring one. No, go ahead. I bet it ends up. He was setting the stage, Jesse. My car's almost stuck. Setting the stage for a boring play. No, I think this is going somewhere. I have a stand-up gig in like five hours and I've got like six hours of road ahead of me and all

of a sudden I just see like two feet from my window because the snow is so high what looks like a marmot and like a giant raven fighting to the death. And like my car can't move and they're just fucking tearing at each other. Wow. And I had to like watch

it as I was like pushing my car alone. You couldn't, yeah. Like they wouldn't let up. You did not want to see it. No. No, because it was too terrible. No, but nature was getting intense next to me. Did you mention at the time that you were a future Jordan Jesse Go guest?

No, actually, I forgot. Yeah, we should let people know if you are calling these in and you're going to be on the show later. Yeah. Because, I mean, it's embarrassing for us that we missed out on that. Because you're going to get more popular and move to Los Angeles. Sure, yeah. So just let us know if you plan show later. Yeah. Because, I mean, it's embarrassing for us that we missed out on that. Because you're going to get more popular and move to Los Angeles? Sure, yeah. So just let us know if you plan on it.

Yeah. This was almost 10 years ago. This was a while ago. We've been doing this show a long time. Sure. We're old men. I guess you're the second.

I guess Rice Silverman was on the show and she had a momentous occasion that was actually on the show. Sorry, Dan. Yeah, like a legendary momentous occasion. Well, she's funnier than I am. She didn't have a creepy story. Sorry, Dan. Yeah, like a legendary momentous occasion.

She didn't have a creepy story. She probably had a fun, celebratory one that examined life. Actually, same one. Same thing. A marmot and a hawk. She's fucking beaming to it. I know. Didn't have this whole fucking buildup about, oh, I had five hours to my show and six hours

of road ahead of me, and I was pushing my car and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She just said I saw a marmot fighting a giant raven and I had to watch. Whatever. They were tearing each other's faces off. I cannot wait to mansplain to Rye

why my story is better. I can't wait. Okay, let's hear our first caller, Brian, next. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Will. I'm in Raleigh. I'm enjoying one of the

beautiful fall days we have down here. And I was driving along and a middle-aged guy in a Chrysler Sebring convertible came driving past me blaring some blues traveler. While he was driving, he whipped out his harmonica and accompanied the song right as he left. It was great. Thanks. Bye.

I have also seen, I saw a dude at a stoplight once whip out a harmonica and just do a solo while he was waiting. Is that car harmonica? I think it's a thing. Was it also a Chrysler Sebring? I think they give you a harmonica when you buy the Sebring convertible. Right. It's like a road test you have to take.

It's a class of a driver's license. Can I tell you? It's a class C a driver's license. Can I tell you- There's a class C just for normal cars, and then if you need a Sebring, you got to show some harmonica skills. It's just John Popper. People are just running into John Popper. It might have been him both times, yeah. I think that a Chrysler Sebring convertible is the most embarrassing car in the world. Is it?

Because- You got a convertible. You got the convertible. That's why it's the most embarrassing. Like, it'd be one thing... Like, even a PT Cruiser, you could say you're getting the PT Cruiser for practical reasons. I was in a PT Cruiser when I went on that momentous vacation. There you go.

So there's, like... So you know how embarrassing that is. It was horrible. Imagine taking it up a level. Like a Chrysler Sebring convertible is like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get the convertible. But then you got a Chrysler Sebring convertible. You know what I mean?

Maybe that's what it was. He knew he had failed as a car owner. So he's like, I'm going to showboat at every fucking stop. Yeah, I'm going to let people know that, you know, maybe I made the wrong car choice, but clearly my life is amazing because I can go note for note with Popper himself. Or Monica King of the early 90s. I will say this. I think, has John Roderick ever been a guest

on Jordan and Jesse Go? I don't think, oh, he uses some of the live shows. Yeah, so John Roderick, the musician from the Long Winters

and podcaster from Roderick on the Line, very funny, amazing guy. I went and hung out with him once in Seattle where he lives

and we were driving around in a Chrysler Sebring convertible. You know, Roderick is like a really cool guy. You know, Roderick is a great dresser and he's a professional musician and raconteur. He's like a really cool guy. And I was like, I don't think Roderick would have an ironic car. He's not that kind of dude. would have an ironic car.

He's not that kind of dude. So I said to him, John, what circumstances led you to have this Chrysler Sebring convertible? Because it doesn't seem like, if I imagine you driving a car around, I don't imagine you driving a Sebring convertible. And he told me

he only drives cars that are free. Oh, shit. So he just takes cars from friends and admirers who don't want them anymore. Sure, who give him a car. Drives them until they break and then abandons them. Gets a gun and sends another free car. Now, he recently ran for office, didn't he? He did, yeah.

And he probably waved to a lot of crowds out of the backseat of that Chrysler Seabrook. I was going to say, this is a perfect parade vehicle. Yeah. And that impressed me as an ethic, as an ethos to only drive a free car. That's dedication. He won't spend $100 on a car, free or nothing. But he's got to insure that sucker. Yeah, to some extent.

Maybe not, though. Maybe not. Let's not audit John Roderick. I mean, what's a Chrysler C-beam convertible's road value? $70? Yeah, because if you wreck it. It depends on how much gas is in there. If you think you're going to wreck it, just tuck and roll out.

If you get the ultra gasoline, it's worth twice as much. Yeah, exactly. It's got real clean gas. Plus, you have less problems with knocking and pinging. Is there an air freshener in there? There's a lot to ins and outs. Let's got real clean gas. Plus you have less problems with knocking and pinging. Is there an air freshener in there? There's a lot to, a lot ins, a lot outs. Let's take that next call. Triple A maps.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go, or whoever is here if it's a non-canonical week. I think I just saw an old man crossing the street with a gallon jug full of old pee. Junk it out. So that's momentous. Have a good one. How does he know this wasn't fresh pee? Might have been fresh pee.

A guy could have peed a whole gallon. Yeah. I mean, what are the odds this is just some good old generic gas station lemonade? You know, it might be. I mean, I guess why is he pouring it out? Did he say pouring it out?

I thought he said walking with it. Oh, he might have been. I guess I just maybe envisioned him getting to the end of the crosswalk and dumping it out. If you're pouring it out, it's not lemonade. Yeah, I mean, my presumption is that this old man is the coach of my little league team, and that's the drink that they would get us. Did he also have a bunch of paper cups? Sure.

If so, it's that drink that just says drink on the outside of it. Right, right, right. Legally, they can't call it juice or... Yeah, it just says drink, and it costs 79 cents for a gallon. We can't even call this liquid. Essence of orange fluid. The FDA. Yeah, right.

The FDA won't let us call this. Grapish water. Yeah. Ugh. The FDA. Yeah, right. The FDA will let us call this. Grapish water. Yeah. Ugh. Drinkables. Yeah. That's cool. I mean, sometimes old dudes got to pee, you know?

Can I tell you, I once got into this conversation with my college friend, Noah Finneyberg, about how kind kind of just how kind of ghetto our little league teams were and just because because i would see pictures of other kids little league teams where they had their own uniforms and stuff and like we would just get led into this weird like closet that had in the rec center that just had all these just fucked up 20-year-old uniforms that we would just get to pick our number and hope that it fit, you know, and we had to put a deposit on it and shit. Anyway, we were talking about different things that happen when you're on a shitty Little League team, like you ask to borrow the other team's bats and then they won't let you.

You just have to swat the balls out of the air. Yeah, like the other team just has these, like you just have this bat that just has steel bat on it or something like that. Legally, they won't let you call it a bat. Yeah, exactly. Sports pole. Wilton Chamberlain donated it in 1974. But anyway, he had, he completely

destroyed me. He grew up in Oakland. He completely blasted me out of the water with the thing that he said. Before practice, we had to get in a line on one of the sidelines and cross and go from that sideline or from that, you know,

foul line to the other foul line like we were, you know, like you would if you were looking for a lost child or something in the woods, looking for syringes. Oh, my. Yeah. I was like, yeah, well, you got me beat on that one. You don't want to dive for a foul ball and get a syringe in the eye. You're playing under the sink at a McDonald's bathroom.

Yeah. So shout out to the St. Mary's Seals. Jordan Jessico emailed me the other day who think we might have played on the team together. Oh, hey. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. I don't think you guys challenged me on it. That was probably the wrong colloquialism to use. Yeah. I mean,

it seems like you were telling the truth. Yeah. If you have a momentous occasion for us, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

For God's sakes, let us know if you're going to be on the show. I hate to have another embarrassing situation like this. Make sure your story is not kind of creepy

and has a really long ramp up to it. Yeah, I mean, I think ultimately the embarrassment here is Dan Telfer's. You know? Yeah. Well, it's actually mine. I just peed in my pants.

It's mine. I've got the scale and jug of my pee. Oh, good. Can I tell you guys I've been taking this migraine supplement? And I don't know. Does it make your migraines better? That's what it sounds like. I don't know if it does yet.

More competitive migraines? Apparently take three months to start working. But boy, does it make my pee yellow. Oh my God, is my pee yellow. It's got vitamins in it, maybe? Yeah. It's got some kind of vitamins in it. I don't know. It's got a potassium or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know which one it is that makes your pee yellow, but

holy moly. There's a few of them, I think. I could write on a wall with my pee and you'd come back and see it the next day. That's how yellow my pee is right now. I would be afraid because I pride myself in my clear pee. Right. Well,

I mean, you've always been in the process of going clear. Sure. Yeah. I feel like once I get all those Thetans out of there. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go.

It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morse, Boy Detective. Dan Telfer, Tall Gangly Thing. Dan Telfer, also the man behind the brand new stand-up comedy album, Ocean of Panic. It's a handsome album. I'm glad you like it. Designed by Sarah Pocock of BuzzFeed and Comedy Nerd fame.

Well, there you go. Ocean of Panic, Dan Telfer on AST Records. You can buy that, probably. You got a cute picture of Dan, a cartoon picture of you with a friendly squid. Yeah. Probably AST Records is a good place to go for that, huh? It is. Or ASTRecords.com. I got a pretty sweet cut on iTunes. Whatever you want to do. If you want a physical copy,

I would go to the old ASTRecords.com. And, you know, you can hardly go wrong with anything on AST Records run by our friend Matt Belknap. Yeah. And Ryan, whatever Ryan's last name is. Ryan McManaman. Ryan McManaman.

They've been very good to me. They're super cool guys. Some real good guys who really put out great records. We were just talking about how much we enjoyed Karen Gilgareff on that label. Oh, Karen Gilgareff's AST thing is... Guy Branum's recent CD on that fucking label is amazing. As Jordan would say, sorry to steal your message. No, that's okay.

I don't do that anymore. Can I? Do you mind if I? Yeah, sure. Go ahead, man. Probably just be for tonight. I'm just into cuckolding jokes now. Okay, cool.

I'm going to start doing more of that. You know, I heard on Stop Podcasting Yourself, they're not going to do anything about vaping anymore. They're focusing on those hoverboards. Oh, cool. Well, yeah, now's the time. Yeah. Dan Telfer also going to be on At Midnight. Yes, December 8th with Maria Bamford and Steve Agee. So, fuck yeah,

let's do that. Yeah, no reason not to watch that. You going to write some more jokes with Jordan or what? Ah, who the fuck knows. Hopefully I'll be able to write some and we'll just see what I write. All I'm saying is if Jordan ends up with Maria Bamford, that's an unstoppable team. I mean, Steve Agee, you're going to beat him nine times out of ten. Yeah.

I think Steve Agee listens to Jordan Dissing. He'll get a bump. No, Steve Agee has a very good At Midnight track record. He has been on many times. He also has a great track record for text messaging me pictures of porn shot in our building. Yeah. So he excels at a lot of things. When we did Nerd Poker, they shot porn.

I mean, they still probably do, like across in the same building in Earwolf, like over. And they would always be shooting it. Oh, wow. As we would be getting out or everyone would be getting high in the parking lot. That Earwolf building seems like a strange place to shoot porn. You know what? This building, not so much. I can kind of envision where porn would happen in here.

But that, it's so office parking. It's interesting. This is a great conversation for the show. If no one has seen the building. The U part of the building. Yeah. The main part of the building is very officey. But there's like this weird structure in the middle of the U that's separate from it somehow.

And that's where the porn is. And that's where, that's really sexy in there. It is rough. One of my first times doing the podcast a little over a year ago, I showed up and there were just two dudes banging just right by the window. How about that? And a couple other times we would be out in the parking lot and then just a bunch of women in underwear waving at us being all like look at those nerds let's wave at those nerds he's giving something to jerk it to ladies i gotta tell you there's a uh popular uh pornography website i won't say what website it is they have that uh they have websites for it now

and it's popular yeah they specialize in kink. I'll say. Sure. And they shoot everything in this building that's like four blocks from where I grew up. And was like absolutely the subject of all of... It was like if you have a castle in your neighborhood. It was called the Armory in San Francisco. It was a huge brick. It was literally an armory for like i don't know from like 1880 or

something uh and it's the establishing shot in any of their pornography i haven't seen any of it but i've been told sure and you've had the establishing shot described to you sure he said hey jesse you know here's something you might be interested in describe this establishing shot to you let me see if it rigs any bells and And it throws me for a loop every time. Just imagine if the most important, mysterious, the haunted building in your neighborhood, or if that was the establishing shot in a broad variety of pornography. When I was first moving to L.A., I crashed for eight months on Ricky Carmona's couch, an old friend of mine. He shoots a lot of porn there.

No, but when I was looking for a place to live and borrowing friends' cars and driving to different neighborhoods, I had one string of appointments to look at places in the North Hollywood Arts District. And I don't know if you've ever been there. Beautiful know-how arts district. Literally people having sex in alleys with cameras. Oh, my. There's just so much porn. I got really uncomfortable and ditched my third appointment

because I was like, holy shit, there's just so much fucking happening. Sure. Like, in public. But, I mean, you could take the red line there,

so that's a bonus. Sure. The metro red line goes up to North Hollywood, I believe. I do take that red line to this day. I take the old Union Station

to the Hollywood and Highland. It's a good time. I hear, uh, quit bragging. I hear at night, I hear at night they call that the brown line. Okay.

Okay. We're doing anal there. Dan Telfer, SF Sketch Fest. Jordan and I will be there with special guest John Hodgman. You might know him from the Judge John Hodgman podcast. SFSketchFest.com for all the information. It is always a joy to go up to Sketch Fest. Totally. Visit the old hometown and the old first job I had in the entertainment industry,

picking up Michael Showalter at the Oakland Airport for SFSketchFest. What's that sweet-ass penny arcade over by the pier? The Musée Mécanique. Yeah, that place is awesome. Yeah, the Musée Mécanique. Yeah, that place is awesome. Yeah, the Musée Mécanique is totally awesome. I had like a traumatic flashback because you used the phrase penny arcade. Oh. I know what that's a reference to.

Okay, so there's that. Put this on shop.com if you want to buy a beautiful gift. And December 12th, we'll be here at MaxFunHQ Vending. So come by and buy something if you're in Los Angeles. Tell me how to dress, Jesse. I know. Well, I'm trying. You're – yeah.

You'll do it through this event. You'll do it through this podcast. We'll do our best. We'll talk. We'll work it through. We'll work it through. You and I. How about that?

I like this. You and I can work this through. It's really comfortable. You're really locked into me right now. This is really upsetting me, actually. I was going to start making the P and the V motion. He's going to do it. Yeah, there it is.

On the boards this week, Barney and Xparello, our producer, Sonny D., Brian Fernandez. I just want to thank a nice listener, too, before we wrap up. Of course. Who sent me a nice package of cat gear. I was complaining on a recent show about how it's hard to find masculine cat accessories. I don't think any of these are terribly masculine, but they're a lot of fun. And there's a nice squeak toy called a Play and Squeak. Let's see if that works.

I think one of those cat accessories literally has pictures of Appletinis on it. Yeah. Yes, this does have pictures of martinis. I don't know if they're appletinis. I think they're appletinis. There are olives on it, though, which you would not put. So this is a proper martini. Yeah, this is Shannon.

Shannon Wallace from Houston, Texas, and Jasper, who I guess is her cat. Oh, that's a good cat name. Thanks a lot. A lot of fun. Yeah. Thanks. This is lovely stuff. I'll try and get one on the cat

and take a picture of her and maybe put it on Facebook or something. Yep. There we go. Dan Telfer. His album's called Ocean of Panic.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.