Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 406: Hot in the Pants with Nick Adams

Episode Date: December 7, 2015

Nick "Repeat" Adams joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Greek yogurt dumps, Jesse's Christmas decor-fueled dad rage, and Finneus, the white guy with dread locks who worked at KZSC.  Also: Talking Rain water, power dad shit, and real-beard Santas.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris just had a Chobani. What now? A Chobani? I'm sorry? It's a Greek yogurt. Oh, is it?

Yeah. Oh, that sounds nice. Before I left the house. You were probably confused because we hung out for a little while before the taping. Moved some stuff out of your car. What's that other one called? Fagu? I think that's the Juggalo yogurt. Okay.

Juggalo yogurt. Isn't there one with an F? Femsto? I know two Greek yogurts. Yep. Chobani and the Greek yogurt from Trader Joe's, which has the Trader Joe's logo on it. Right. That's Trader Joe's brand. Yeah.

I prefer Chobani. Really? Mm-hmm. Do you think they're probably the same thing? It might be one of those things. It might be a Trader Joe's hummus sabra situation. One time I had a conversation with a marketing representative from Lifeway Kefir or Kefir. And he was really cool and chill about letting me in on the secret that Trader Joe's brand Kefir is branded.

Is the same thing. Is rebranded Lifeway kefir. Comes out of the same pipe. Yeah. By the way, if it's Trader Joe's, you say kefir. If it's Lifeway, you say kefir. Sure. Anyway, so if you're wondering why I'm juiced, ready to go, full of active cultures, because I wolfed down that Chobani before I left the house.

Wow. Was that creamy? It was very creamy, and I just added a little texture, put some slivered almonds on it. Had you slivered those? No, I did not hand sliver. I bought these. Not a mandolin? No, these are pre-slivered.

Is that what it's called, a mandolin? I do not have slivering technology on me. We're not buying slivers now because they're made in Guatemala. It's a whole union thing. Come on. Nick Adams is our guest on this week's program. Repeat. Back. Like, cook, crack. And I have a whole... I was

dying... Beloved past Jordan Jesse Go guest, television sitcom writer. I wanted to wait for the proper introduction, but I have approximately 17 varieties of yogurt in my refrigerator right now that i do not partake in any of it i don't eat yogurt but i have two small children and a wife right so i have 17 different types of yogurt yeah your wife is also from a

from a yogurt culture i mean your wife no pun intended your wife is a former, I don't know if she is back to it now, but a former fashion writer. I feel like that is the epicenter of yogurt culture. Well, I mean, as a sitcom writer, I think we're maybe number two. Because when you're Faye or however you pronounce it, I had never seen it before until I started working on sitcoms. That's real, right? I'm not making that up. It's that yogurt and what's it called? The water

that I don't drink. Smart water? No. La Croix. It doesn't exist outside of writers' rooms. They created it just to sell it to TV writers. We used to have La Croix at

midnight. Cutbacks. Uh-oh. Cutbacks. Cutbacks happened. Now we got Talking Rain. What is that? It's a budget Laquad. Nope. That's a white noise app on my iPhone.

That's exactly what that is. I'm pretty sure it's a Peter Gabriel album, guys. It's actually my personal shaman. He lives in Glendale. It's a lot of things. It's a lot of things. He has a little retreat into Panga. I do really like Talking Rain. It does not come in as many flavors as La Croix.

Does it have the delicious alkaline metallic aftertaste? Oh, it is a little medley. It is a little bit medley. Just a hint of dime. What is that, zinc? I have to say, I got a bubble machine that puts bubbles into my drinks, and I love it. I can't get enough of it. I'm on like year three here.

That's the one that kills Palestinians, right? Is that what happened? I don't know the thing. Specifically, I got it for Zionist reasons. And I love this thing. I love putting the bubbles in there. Of course, I love Scarlett Johansson. I love everything about it.

And for every bubble, a Palestinian dies. That's how it works. That's approximately how it works. But now I cannot drink still water. It's basically just bullshit water to me. It's fuck you water. And so if I'm out and about, and I don't feel like drinking a soda because soda is not that good for you.

Sure. It's horrible. You end up at the 7-Eleven or at the gas station convenience store or at the corner store, and they have terrible choices of bubble water there. If you're at a corner store, if you're lucky, it's a liquor store, and you can buy just a can of club soda, which I will gladly accept. Sure.

But most of them now, it's Perrier or nothing. And Perrier's bullshit. It tastes like mountains. I do like a Perrier lime. Really? I don't love a plain Perrier. I do agree with you that it has a little bit of a weird aftertaste. The Perrier with lime, that little

added lime, gets rid of whatever the weirdness is. I want Crystal Geyser. I want nothing but Crystal Geyser everywhere. And I understand that that's a regional brand that I've just alienated everyone east of the Rockies or whatever, but that's what I want.

Will you take an Arrowhead? Yes, I will gladly take an Arrowhead. I like an Arrowhead too. I feel like you can find an Arrowhead at a 7-Eleven once in a while. No. Not at a 7-Eleven, sir. Okay. Are you sure about that? Are you saying that the time the times that I have I'm remembering buying an Arrowhead

at a 7-Eleven are false? Were you at A.M.P.M.? Oh, it might have been a Circle K. You know what? Okay. I mean, I don't have a photo of myself purchasing the Arrowhead at the 7-Eleven, but I think you can. There's a shit ton of water at 7-Eleven, Jesse. I know, but it's all flat or, as I call it, bullshit water. Do you know that I saw a- Flat all the way.

I'm a flat man. Really? You like a flat? I don't like sparkling. Like, my taste buds are still eight years old. If it's got bubbles in it, I expect it to taste like soda. And every time, I'm like, blah, this sucks. I don't like this.

Plus, Nick, you've got plenty of Sparkle in the corner of your eye. There it is. Got a little extra. I've been seeing a Facebook ad targeted at me recently that has been fucking insulting. What type of wallet is it for it is for 7-eleven delivery home delivery and the picture on it is is you know 7-eleven home delivery and it is a bag of 7-eleven brand chips spilled out next to a at least it's accurate yeah that's how they're going to end up.

Right, yeah, exactly. Splayed on a coffee table next to an Xbox controller. Just on top of an overweight man's chest as he sleeps backwards on his couch. Sure, yeah. The background is a Ninja Turtle sweatshirt. And so it is a bag of chips and a sandwich because you know those fucking 7-Eleven

sandwiches. Oh, I gotta get my Sammy. You gotta get those. Seve Sammy. Eight day old wheat bread wet turkey sandwiches. The idea that that exists is bullshit and also that Facebook thinks that that is me. Right.

Is also very insulting. I don't like thinking that I am the target market for home delivery 7-Eleven. Although I can maybe see myself down the line ordering some Go-Go Taquitos. I'm not saying that you have clicked on too many promoted posts about Final Fantasy VII. But I'm not saying you haven't. You know what? That's accurate. It is both insulting and accurate. Uh-huh.

It is both insulting and accurate. It's both. You got to see new gameplay footage. Can I ask you guys a question? They're remaking it anyway. Do you like turkey sandwiches? Listen, turkey's bullshit. Yeah, turkey is bullshit.

Thank you. Someone's fucking saying it. There is, I have realized. I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. Really? I feel like you, yeah, I think turkey is bullshit. I think there's a groundswell of- But I'm not talking about holiday turkeys.

I mean, holiday turkeys are bullshit. But as far as lunch meat. But I'm talking about sliced turkey in a sandwich. It's nothing. It's barely anything. Yeah, it's fine. It's whatever. I can't even.

Yeah, it's a good excuse to eat some mayonnaise. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's an effective mayonnaise delivery system. Right, exactly. I think if you are eating just a lunch meat sandwich, the turkey probably isn't that much better for you than roast beef, which is infinitely better. Yeah, and even isn't that good to begin with. Sure. than roast beef, which is infinitely better. Yeah, and even isn't that good to begin with. I mean, roast beef is, in my mind,

roast beef is the one that reaches the level that Nick just described, which is fine. Yeah. It's all a diversion from ham, let's be honest. If you're making a sandwich, and I'm talking about you just putting some cold cuts on some bread, not like any fancy smanchy whatever. It's ham, and then you go through a period of like, I can't just be eating ham all the

time. And then that's where you get to your roast beef and your turkey sandwich. That's where I'm at. And then you get through that package, and then you get back to the ham. I'm there with salami. Yeah. I mean, obviously, I think it's the lunch meat sandwich. Salami is probably the best of the easily available lunch meats.

Well, you are a real charcuterie snob. Sure, that's true. I mean, if it's pancetta or nothing. Yeah. I would say that in my zone, on my personal ranking, the ham hovers above the turkey for me. I think it is. Like if we were just talking about an Oscar Mayer sliced ham.

Yeah, that's gross. To me, that is a little bit better than turkey, but not a ton. Wow. It's not good to me. I would eat. I'll eat. I like it. Again.

I was born and raised in the South. Sure. So, like, pork and ham. So you believe in soaking a ham. You're a ham soaker. However you want to give me ham, I'll take ham. That's how people get down. And I do want to give you some ham. However you want to give me ham, I'll take ham. That's how people get down. And I do want to give you some ham.

I aspire to someday give you ham. As a friend. Yeah. That's what you do. To come over with ham. I bought a mail order ham maybe 18 months ago. Sure. I ate some of it.

I used some of it to make a split pea soup. Came out great. Ham and split peas. They go together like peas and carrots. Where's this ham coming from? Where are they shipping it? Ham goes with everything. Father's Country hams, which I want to say,

I'm going to call it Alabama, but I might be mistaken. Okay. This is a smoked ham. And they sent me a holiday catalog. You know, it's like a tourist pamphlet, you know, like two color pages folded in threes. And I just opened it up and I'm looking at these hams. I'm looking at these different bacons, smoked sausages.

I'm looking at pork cracklins, various types. And I literally just handed it to my wife and said, this is what I want for Christmas. All of it. She's like, what? And I'm like this is what I want for Christmas. All of it. She's like, what? And I'm like, go to town. All the pork. Go to town. Go to town, please.

Smoke it. Pigs are incredible, man. They are. They're amazing. They turn garbage into gold. They do. By putting it in their bodies briefly. I just imagine like the two

most foodie of the slaves just going, hey, you know what? We can eat that. Get out of here, Jeremiah. You can't eat that one. Watch. We can eat that. Holy shit, Jeremiah.

Also, I'm inventing something called Sriracha. I need that first. First, I have to invent this something called Sriracha. I need that first. Yeah. First, I have to invent this thing called Sriracha, and then we can eat all of this shit. Right. Do you remember Phineas, Jordan? This is the guy from our college radio station who brought in- Jesus Christ, you guys went to college with someone named Phineas?

Yeah. Yeah. Are you shitting me? Multiple Phineases. Phineas F or Phineas S? Phineas. Buckle up, because this is exactly the guy you're picturing. Buckle the fuck up.

We went to college at a preschool in Silver Lake. He is, yeah, this is the guy from the food co-op who just brought loose carob in his pockets. I'm definitely being punked right now. There's no fucking way this is a real human being. Phineas was this white guy with dreadlocks who did not go to UC Santa Cruz. He went to Cabrillo Community College.

It's like right now, it's like Floyd Mayweather, you just body blow, body blow. You gotta just, come on. Come on. I'm gonna have to do like a standing eight. I just heard food co-op, white guy with dreadlocks. Yeah. I'm going to have to do like a standing eight. I just heard food co-op, white guy with dreadlocks. Yeah. I'm like dizzy right now.

So he used to show up at the radio station. As I said, didn't go to UC Santa Cruz. Went to Cabrillo Community College. Was a really sweet guy. I really liked him. By the way, to the audience, to get to UC Santa Cruz is like a day hike from anywhere in the universe. You don't just drop by UC Santa Cruz. You have to like be

towed in like Laird Hamilton. Yeah, you're not allowed to park on campus. So you park the car and then you take a dog team. There's a lot of belaying

that has to happen to get to the radio station. Phineas used to show up at the radio station. He worked at the Food Bin, which was a food co-op natural foods co-op gotta make it sound appetizing right yeah and oh this has been in a bin tell me more he would just show up he would just show up with like five pounds of almonds you know what i

mean what like tamari almonds that were like three days past their sell-by date you know what i mean but in a because it was a bulk food place, I mean, he would show up with like a grocery bag full of almonds. Like I'm not talking about packages of almonds. I'm just talking about a bag full of almonds. And he'd say, who wants almonds? Or he would just be there with this one enormous jug of cashew butter. And he'd just be eating cashew butter with a spoon.

Like anybody want some cashew butter? I got it for free. You can lick it out of my beard if you want to. And he said to me one time, he said, I will never eat pork. And I said, really, Phineas? Because I've seen you eating some shit. You know what I mean? Like, I've seen the foods that do go into your mouth.

They come out of a bag. go into your mouth, they come out of a bag. And he said to me, because the pig can't expel toxins because it doesn't sweat. And that blew me away. I was like, number one. You're just going to not eat dog now, Phineas? Are you just going to get crazy? Yeah.

Number one, toxins aren't real. Toxins, anytime someone's talking to you and they use the Number one, toxins aren't real. Toxins. Anytime someone's talking to you and they use the word toxins, that's when you're bullshit. Yeah. Is this Dick Gregory meter should go way the fuck off? Because the next is chemtrails. Yeah. You know. Sure.

And then who actually did 9-11. Right. Someone did 9-11. I'm pretty sure that Dickory thinks that there's toxins and pigs because of cointelpro yeah um it's hoover hoover put them in there and they just never if they pass the law you can't take them out god bless him god bless dick gregory no dick gregory is great but it is juice fast a little crazy on behalf of michael jackson um so phineas told me this and i had never i never heard that particular form.

I've heard like cloven hooves. Right. You know what I mean? Sure. Or my favorite, the Nation of Islam, it's one-third rat, one-third cat, one-third dog. Yeah. Which is just amazing. Yeah.

It's three times ridiculous. And I said to him – That does sound like a fun pet though. That animal. I said, I don't think it's a fun pet, though. That animal. I said- I don't think it's a pig, but whatever that animal is sounds like a lot of fun. There is a scientist who's going to listen to this podcast and just immediately get to work. Yeah.

When you say a scientist, you're talking about a big head scientist. An actual- If there are any aspiring Dr. Moreau's out there who are looking to do some secret island gene splicing. Do you see the shit that people are buying for kids right now? If you could do that animal, I would million dollars. I would like to see a Nation of Islam reality show

called America's Next Big Head Yahweh. I think we could have a lot of fun. Okay, so I said to Phineas, they pee, right? And poo-poo. Sure. And I don't think I've ever seen someone's entire world.

To that point, I had not seen anyone's entire worldview melt in front of me. But his mind was completely blown. And then the next day, he came to the radio station, opened up his burlap sack and just poured out some McRibs. Yeah. One to these. He was so nice about it. It's back. That's the thing about – that's the thing about – that's the thing about a nice hippie.

Sure. And like I think when people are saying terrible things about hippies, I can understand because of my time in Santa Cruz and my time in the Bay Area. But I also know about this significant group of sort of sweet hippies who will, like if you say to them, well, don't they pee and poop? They'll say, yeah, thanks, man. They'll take it into consideration.

I think Phineas probably thanked me. Like I thought I was tearing him a new one and he said, thank you. And I was like, oh, you're a better person than I am. I'm going to go come up with another bullshit reason to not eat pork now. Thanks, Josie. Yeah. You got to come up with something else.

Also, who hates hippies? Like, they're the least awful group, like, of an awful group, and they can be awful. I do. It's the least objectionably, you know, aggressively bad type of awful. I think you're right. And I think they have unfortunately teetered over culturally into fun to make fun of yes which they are I don't think anyone I don't you know I wouldn't take the privilege away from anyone of making fun of a hippie no but I do think it often teeters over into like fuck these guys in some weird way it's

like well really is this fuck these guys is this the way. It's like, man, really? Is this, fuck these guys? Is this the person we are maddest at? Also, they were right about most of the shit. That's for sure. The hippies were the ones who were like the planet, the environment, and we laughed at them for like decades. That's why the hippies slogan now is hippies wrong on Michael Franti, right on most of the shit. Sure.

There was just a moment there where you thought it was going to be a thing. It was like, oh, it's kind of good, almost, but not. Nick still has just at his house a cassette tape of the disposable heroes of the hypocrisy. He looks at everyone and says, maybe. disposable heroes of the hypocrisy. He looks at everyone and says, maybe. I did play my kids the

music video for A Deeper Shade of Soul the other night. How'd they like it? They were lukewarm at best. They were like, get us a yogurt, dad. Turn this shit off and get

us a yogurt. Haul your cakes into the kitchen and grab me a Chobani. I tried it. Can I have one more yogurt story? One more yogurt story. I cannot remember the brand of this yogurt, but I did try a yogurt.

It's a Greek yogurt and it's in compartments. It's in two triangular compartments. Like a pie chart? Not really. That's the Faye, right? With the honey you dump in? So there's one segment that is yogurt and then one segment that is granolas or nuts or something else.

And then the idea is that it's on kind of a hinge and you dump the granola into the yogurt. And so this is the first one of these I had ever done. I had not done this before. It's like it's a 5K. It's the first one of these i had ever done i had not done this before and we just you know like it's a 5k it's the first one i did i've been doing a lot of training i stretched you'd never had a yogurt dump i know i had never i had never had a i mean i've put things into yogurt before i mean i'm not a you've never i'm not a jungle person you've never had a you've never specifically had a Greek yogurt dump. Yeah, exactly.

You've had Montezuma's Revenge. Sure, yeah. It's a different kind of dump. Yeah. And so I'm flipping the side with the granola. I'm trying to flip it into the yogurt side, and I did it too hard. I guess I don't know my own story. side and I did it too hard.

I guess I don't know my own. And I it flipped up into the air and all the good old landed on the cat who was eating below me. So what did the cat think about it? She briefly looked up and then kept eating. What do cats like to eat? That's people food. Basically nothing. Really?

Yeah. At least my cat doesn't. She likes to drink out of a water glass. If I like have a water glass on the table, she wants to put her head in and get the water. That's fun. Does she like dairy stuff? We used to have cats, but I used to like to lick the yogurt thing when my wife was done with it. Not really.

Oh, she wants to eat. If I'm like sitting at the- Eating anchovies out of a can? Right, yeah. If I'm putting a whole fish into my mouth and pulling out the skeleton, she's like, save some of that for me. A la Heathcliff. A la Heathcliff. She will, a weird cat thing that she has is when I'm eating like strawberries, I'll have the package of strawberries and then I'll have either a bowl or a paper towel next to it to put the tops.

She will want to put the tops in her mouth and carry them around. Oh. Anyway. That's fun. Yeah. The meats? Does she like the meats? Nope.

Sometimes I will. I'll cook a piece of chicken that I think I've done a really good job with. I'm like, this is pretty tasty. You know who's going to like a little bit of this? The cat. Probably not good for you, but here's a treat. And I will put it in the bowl and she will ignore it. My dog, I have two dogs for non-regular listeners.

One's named Sissy and one's named Coco. Sissy, I think, has relatively normal dog food preferences. She'll eat most things, you know, leftover food or whatever. My dog Coco, let's say I was standing at the stove and I had some wood chips. If I just pushed the wood chips onto the ground, Coco would eat one wood chip, look up at me like, was that a trick? Yeah. And then she'd be like, maybe not.

I better make sure. I'm going to eat some more. And then eat the rest of the wood chips. Wow. Like, that's how intense Coco is about eating that. She just thinks that anything that comes from human height is good. Yeah. Why risk it?

Why risk it? Also, anything that's moving along the ground. Okay. So those are your two primary categories, things from human height, things skittering, anything that skitters. Nick, you mentioned that you have multiple brands of yogurt in your house. What's your personal favorite, and then what's the family favorite? I don't eat any of that shit.

None? I don't fuck with yogurt. I got to guess Nick's a Yoplait man. Ah, Nick loves a Yoplait whipped? I don't eat any of that shit. None. I don't fuck with yogurt. I got to guess Nick's a Yoplait man. Ah, Nick loves a Yoplait whipped. Put that in the freezer. It's just like ice cream. Whip it. Frozen yogurt, I don't like it.

I don't like any of it. It just doesn't do anything. But we have right now, I took a picture of it. I think it was beet yogurt. Is that a thing? I don't know. I'm not surprised if it is. Is it beaten or made of beets?

No, made with beets. I just pictured my wife in Whole Foods just looking at stuff. Created by Dr. Dre. Beets by yogurt? Yeah. Dee Barnes gets 5%.

I just pictured my wife wandering around in Whole Foods just like, yeah, fuck it, why not? Yeah. Yeah. I got these fucking kids all day. This asshole's writing jokes and drinking La Croix.

Yeah, I'll buy some fucking beet yogurt. Why not? I knew I was a Hollywood dad recently. In fact, last night, because I reached into my pasta area. My wife and I were just going to have pasta with cheese on it for dinner. That was the plan. Sure. And I reached in.

I got some fancy pasta. I bought it in an Italian deli. And I looked at it and thought, oh, man. I wish this was that whole wheat stuff that I got that one time at the farmer's market. That whole wheat stuff's pretty good. Yeah, it's not bad. It's very nutty. It's a good variety.

It's a good change of pace. Yeah. The texture threw you off. Yeah, Jordan. It's a good variety. It's a good change of pace. Maybe I'll try this whole wheat pasta. Get It's a good variety. It's a good change of pace. Maybe I'll try this whole wheat pasta. Get into it. There's a place right in the middle of the farmer's market.

Okay. A pasta place. See what Bug thinks about it. Yeah, she probably won't like it if it's not a strawberry top. Yeah, we'll see. Or some water that I'm trying to drink. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, cares about that stuff and we make funnies. Yeah. Either you care or you don't. Jordan, Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Nick, repeat Adams.

You guys- Yogurt free since- 73. 73. 73, you would have been- Yeah. I was born in 73, goddammit. Yeah, so you've never had yogurt, right? This is why you have a show and I just guessed on the show because you

fucking nailed it. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Guys, I'd like to mention... Jesse, you implicitly thanked me with your eyes, but... I just want to mention right here, you guys are lucky I'm even here. I'm boiling over with dad rage. Uh-oh. I ordered some Christmas lights on the internet to pick up at the Home Depot.

Oh, boy. And then I drove to the Home Depot to pick them up. I do not like where this is going. And they did not have them there. Oh, shit. They're like, here you go. First off, they tried to play it off. They're like, here you go.

And they gave me, I ordered, look, I'm no Richie Rich. They give you some mulch? What did they try to do? I'm no Richie Rich. Here's a ficus. Here you go. That's what you ordered. But we were low on Christmas lights,

so I ordered five boxes of Christmas lights. Okay. A total of 400 Christmas lights. What are we talking? White bulb? Yeah, I prefer a white bulb. Sure. I know a lot of people love colors, and it reminds them of their childhood.

To me, I like the simple white. It reminds me of snow and ice. That race that you're into. You like a nice pure Lexus ad vibe to your home. Exactly. A linen-scented candle. It's like a beautiful Lexus ad with

a big tree that has no ornaments on it below four feet because certain smaller members of the Thorn community have been known to destroy anything within arm's reach. Oh, you've put this on a tree and left the room, you say. Yeah. So we have a fully decorated tree halfway on up. We were white light people growing up, too.

There you go. Hashtag white lights matter. They put two 50s down. I had ordered 300s and two 50s. There you go. Hashtag white lights matter. They put two 50s down. I had ordered 300s and two 50s. Okay. They put two 50s down and they said, there you go. And now I had paid for this. I want to be clear.

I'd given them $85. Wow. Because these were the new LED, LCD, LED kinds. And so they're supposed to last forever and, you know, you can't break them and so on and so forth. And they don't use any energy and they're not a fire hazard. So I'm like, I'm just going to buy them. I'm just going to get the right kind and I'm going to buy as many as I need. It's an investment.

I have small children. I'll just have them the rest of their life. They can take them to their dorms with them. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. And fuck by theirs with them. Exactly. Exactly. And fuck by their flickering legs. Yeah.

You know, you'll probably need to invest in some chili pepper ones too. Oh, yeah. If you do want something that can transfer over into a dorm space. Got it.

Invest in both. Is there such a thing as a Christmas-themed usual suspect poster? So anyway, they put these two down and So anyway, I, I, I, they put these two down

and I said, yeah, I think I ordered five and she said, oh no, there's two here. Which granted was true.

Sure. Her logic is sound. That's the case. There were two there and then I said, oh, but I, I had five

and I've already given you my money. So I shan't be There were two there. And then I said, oh, but I had five. And I've already given you my money. So I shan't be accepting this. And she had, okay, so she took, I fucking sat there for 20 minutes while she did different shit. The end of which was, we sold you some shit and told you we had it that we didn't have. And I had to fucking leave. Now I don't have any Christmas lights. I couldn't take those $250 after all that bullshit.

Nah, dude. A hundred lights is not enough for a six-foot tree. I guess I've never bought lights for a house before, so I don't know. Are Christmas lights that tough to find? It seems like something you can just go to Target for, right? So there's a couple. There's different kinds. I'll tell you what.

Right now, I'm on this Power Dad shit. Sure. This Power Dad shit right now is where- Cocaine? No matter what we- That's what we're calling it. Power Dad, yeah. Patent pending. Yeah.

Whatever it is- It's have a catch. I know it's 2 a.m. Whatever it is- Fucking catch, damn it. Catch. I'm on the next level.m. Whatever it is. Fucking catch, damn it. Catch. I'm on the next level. You know how dads are all about consumer reports?

Sure, yeah. So I'm on the next level internet web 2.0 shit, which is Sweet Home and Wirecutter. Yes. Wirecutter, man. Wirecutter is my go-to. I don't know. Shout out to Wirecutter. What is this?

Jordan, if I can once again bring back your old catchphrase that you gave me permission to use. Sure. The Wirecutter in the Sweet Home. They're just websites where they look. You forgot to say that's a spicy meatball. I'm not going to use that. Okay. Do you want to read about 575 words on a garment steamer?

Nah, dude. It just tells you which garment steamer. I don't want to do that. If you need a garment steamer, you don't want to do that. If you need a garment steamer, you don't want to get the shitty one, right? Sure. So you just go there and you see which one they want and you just buy that shit. You go to Wirecutter. Just go to Wirecutter or Sweet Home.

Honestly, Wirecutter's the gadget one. I'm honestly into Sweet Home, which tells you which is the best toilet tissue or whatever. That's what I'm kind of all about. Which one is the best broom? That's what I want. So these are earnest exposés of, you know,

just easy-to-find consumer products. Yeah, so they take a thing, my toaster oven, which I'm in fucking love with, I bought because they said it was the jam. And it's fucking epic. It's tremendous. It's so great. And I was like, oh, this is how I need to live my life from here on out.

I've been fucking around with whatever one is there at the store. The internet exists now. I need to get the shit. I need to get the one. And I did that for Christmas lights. They had a Christmas light review. They said, you need these GE color bright lights. I'm like, okay.

I'm getting the GE color bright lights. Got them at Home Depot. There's a Home Depot down by my house. Oh, shit, they don't have them there. They're all sold out. So then I went, oh, I'm going to get them from the Home Depot by the office. I drove there. Didn't fucking have them.

They sold them to me, but they didn't have them. It seems like the word is out about these color brights. Yeah. I mean, I think that's probably what's going on. Because you go to Target, you're rolling dice. You don't know what you're going to get. You just got to take what you're going to color brights. Yeah. I mean, I think that's probably what's going on. Because you go to Target, you're rolling dice. You don't know what you're going to get. You just got to take what you're going to get. I mean, you can go to the dollar store if you want to, if you want to get

one of those incandescent fire traps. You know what I mean? I do want one of those. I had those before. I mean, it's fine, but I want the good shit. Have you guys seen this kind of Christmas decoration? This is the first year that I've seen it. I've never seen this before.

Maybe I've just been missing it to where instead of Christmas lights, the whole house is covered in little pinpoints of light. Like they're being projected from fiber optic cables. What? I've seen that. Like they're red and green. That can be a lot of colors. I guess I've seen multiple colors, but it's just a house that is covered in pinpoints of light. Is this a Mission Viejo shit?

This is in LA. Really? Yeah. I've seen them this year for the first time. There's like a little globe or whatever in the yard somewhere. I don't know where the globe is. I'm like, is this across the street? Do they have to hang this?

It's a satellite. It's a satellite. That beams it down. You put your coordinates. I have a question. Sure. Is this like beer commercial Christmas decorations? Or is this like, because I know you live in West Hollywood.

I'm from San Francisco. I know about middle-aged gay couple goes apesh on uh christmas where it's like completely absurd and obscene but it's uh also very tasteful like there was a house right in between the castro and the fillmore in san francisco every year the whole house top to bottom it's like a three-story it's like a three-story row house uh they put it you know you're talking about like a 20-foot teddy bear and giant christmas wrapping and you know, all that kind of stuff. But then there's also this kind of like suburban dad like Santa Claus on the front lawn type shit. So which one of them is it?

This is, boy, I don't think this is neither dick nor balls. This is a third thing. As the philosopher says. Yeah, right. This is a third thing. As the philosopher says. Yeah, right. This is a third thing, and it doesn't seem to be part of the – I think I've seen it twice. This is like my boyfriend interned at ILM last year. Right. Fucking figured out how to do this.

Yeah, maybe. I was going to say – I would say maybe my boyfriend does the holiday windows at Bergdorf Goodman. But yeah, right in that area. He's the go-to pyrotechnics guy at the Grove. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what this is. It doesn't seem to be part of any kind of, you know, Christmas fuck fest. It just is.

That is it. Like, there's a house. Which Christmas fuck fest is your preferred one? Dickens Fair? Oh, I mean, don't make me choose. Don't make me choose. I like the one where you get jizzed on by Krampus at the end. Was that German?

Who knows? Krampus just comes out, jizzes over the whole crowd. I think that's Knott's Berry Farm. Delicious, delicious peppermint jizz. That's Knott's Berry Farm holiday horror fest. That's what I'm thinking about. Yeah, this doesn't seem to be part of any kind of huge Christmas display from a nut. It's just they put this there instead of Christmas lights.

I like that. And I don't know how they did it, and I don't know where one – I don't know anything about it. How do you end up in one of these neighborhoods? I don't know anything about it. How do you end up in one of these neighborhoods? I'm learning about, like, as an Angeleno now, I'm learning about just, like, suburban Americana that I didn't know about. One thing is Christmas neighborhoods, which I didn't know was a thing until I had children in Los Angeles. But, like, in los angeles some places there's no christmas shit and then other places people there's just areas where like you sign a

homeowner's contract that says you have to you have to put on a fucking water show like you have to license properties we we just were this was like several years ago we were in englewood i have family in Englewood and I was like, oh, you guys should go. When you go home, you should drive this way or whatever. And we did. And there was just a stretch like that where it was just bumper to bumper traffic because every house was

outdoing the house before. But then what do you do if you're just... Do you have to have a disclosure? It's a good way to... Hey, great way to keep the Jews out. Oh, you guys. Ooh, I'm sorry. Nothing anti-Semitic about that.

I'm sorry. You can't live here. Shalom, assholes. Hit the 110. We had the best Christmas decoration of all time in my small town where I'm from. There was one family for maybe two weeks from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m., they would just hire a dude

to sit on the roof as Santa. Holy cow. What? There would be a full-on sleigh, like a sleigh with reindeer. What? And then from like, they must have had just a time window

because I remember I would be coming home, like, is he there? He's there. And it would just be like four hours or whatever and he would sit there and people would honk and he would wave and he would just sit on the roof

in a fake sleigh in a Santa outfit. On Christmas or other days too? It was like maybe the two weeks up to Christmas or something. It was incredible.

Do you think it was just a guy that worked at their bait shop? I don't know. They just transferred him over? He looked like legit mall Santa. So they called the Santa agency and brought in a real pro. They must have went to high end.

Do you know there's a designation in the world of Santas? So there's a Santa, and then there's also real beard Santas. Oh, and then there's otters. Yeah, right, exactly. Real beard Santa does sound like a gay subculture, doesn't it? So Real Beard Santa's hat real beard. Chill, no drama. Real Beard Santa seeks 420 friendly.

Shaved Krampus. I also love that 420 friendly. Like, if you're going to fuck a gay dude who looks like santa claus but i don't like pot yeah don't bring that around my home well i will fuck a santa but not if he's high oh it's just gross it's gross yeah well that affects your motivation too so yeah we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morse boy detective on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Nick, repeat, Adams. Hey, Warby Parker supports Jordan, Jesse, go. There are new concept in eyewear, fashion forward prescription glasses starting at $95, including the prescription lenses. My wife wears these. Hey, and she likes them.

She loves them. They've got a home try-on program. You can order five pairs of glasses shipped directly to your home, try them on, select your frames, and send them back free with no obligation to purchase. Just go to warbyparker.com slash jjgo. You get free three-day shipping on your final frame choice. That's warbyparker.com slash jjgo.

And our thanks to them for supporting us. Hey, also, Jordan, I don't know if you know this, but we use a company called VG Kids to print our T-shirts here at MaxFun HQ. Lovely stuff. They do an exceptional job. I met the folks who run it years ago in Ann Arbor, Michigan. They're based up there in the upper Midwest. And they are absolutely lovely. They print everything. Silk screen

posters, art prints, wedding invitations, custom apparel, record packaging, vinyl stickers, full-color digital printing, everything. So if you need to print something for your band or your show or your thing or your whatever, vgkids.com

and if you tell them that Jordan Jesse Goh sent you, they'll give you 10% off. Sounds like a great deal. Yeah. Just tell them you like Jordan Jesse Go and you want your 10% off, and they'll be like, oh, thank you. Of course. Yes, of course. We'll be glad to help you.

Yes, of course. Sounds like a fun website to go to. vgkids.com? Yeah, no, it's really fun. Sounds fun. I mean, it's the – I haven't looked at Yahoo lately, but I assume that VGKids.com earned those little sunglasses. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Also, hey, we're here in Los Angeles. If you are listening to this before January – excuse me, December 12th, Saturday, December 12th, we are having a Put This On sale here at MaxFunHQ. So if you've ever wanted to come by MaxFunHQ, if you have a gentleman in your life who needs a gift, come by the sale. It's Saturday the 12th from 10 to 4.

I'm going to be here with Christian Duenas, the legendary grandson of the legendary grandpa whose favorite genre of movies is talking dog movies. And we're going to have all manner of special, unique, vintage things, pocket squares, scarves, all kinds of cool stuff here. And if you don't live here in Los Angeles,

you can go to putthisonshop.com and we made a special... Do you remember what the... Oh, full short. There you go. Yeah, full short was our coupon code. Free shipping if you use Full Chort in there. And you can buy a lot of the stuff on the website too. So I hope that we'll see a lot of people out here on Saturday.

It's going to be really fun. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I'm currently appearing on the History Channel. Hey. I mean, that endangers my status in and of itself. Sure, yeah. In a special called Christmas Through the Decades. It starts with the 60s. I don't think I made it into the 60s one. Why are you in this?

Okay. Me and Mike Peska. Okay. Our friend Mike Peska from Slate's The Gist. Yeah. I thought maybe you were part of a reenaction or something. I watched a few. I watched a couple. I haven't watched all of it, but I watched a couple minutes of it.

Here's a list of some of the people who are in it, who are talking heads in this. One of the Brady Bunch. A Brady. You didn't even distinguish male or female. Mr. Belding. Brady. You didn't even distinguish male or female. Mr. Belding. Whoa. Cast member of Happy Days that I did not recognize. I'm going to say maybe Donnie Most.

Donnie Most. Probably Donnie Most. Wait, wait, wait. I had Patsy's name right there. Me, Mike Peska. Public radio celebrities. Patsy's name right there. Me, Mike Peska, Public Radio Celebrities, and Boomer Esiason. Wow. Norman.

That's quite a... What was it like to hang out with all those guys at the same time, right? That's how those work? You all hang out at the same time? It was entirely... On location. On location in the 80s. It was entirely unclear how I got this job.

I literally just got an email that said, we'll give you $500 to come be on this special if you come show up next to the Vivid Entertainment building in the Valley. Cahuenga, pass. Exactly. In a weird strip mall. Everyone was very nice. I'd never done it before. And I was like, what am I going to do, say no? That sounds awesome.

Yeah. That sounds amazing. Yes, I will absolutely be on Christmas through the decades. Sure. But they literally put these, I think they thought I was older. I'm definitely younger than, I mean, I just listed a bunch of 65-year-olds. Sure. But, like, I think they thought maybe just because I'm on public radio I was old.

And so they wanted me, I had to come up with thoughts about things from the 60s and 70s. Oh, wow. It was crazy. The worst part of the whole experience was one of the things from the 60s one was Hot Dr. Pepper. Yeah, I actually tweeted about Hot Dr. Pepper at some point, I think. It sounds fucking great to me. It's really good. I know about it.

I've had it as longtime listeners of this program know. I was the president of the San Francisco School of the Arts Dr. Pepper Club. So I know a lot. And the Rushmore Kite Flying Society. But, like, I know I've had hot Dr. Pepper. They didn't ask me about it. I told them in the prep. I'm like, just so you know. I've got a chunk.

I'm your guy. I'm your guy. Fucking boomer size and don't know shit about Hot Dr. Pepper. It's on the list of things. And they just asked me about Pet Rocks. I don't know anything about Pet Rocks. Huh. I bet you could pull something out.

No, I made shit up for all of it. And it was really fun. And everybody was really nice. I met a Brady. I got a mystery talking head job, too, once. And it was hard to say how I got it. But it met a Brady. I got a mystery talking head job too once and it was hard to say how I got it, but it was a blast. I can totally understand why those shows are prevalent

and why people want to do them. Sure. I can understand. I totally I feel like I have lived in the shoes of Michael Ian Black in 2001. Sure. You know what I mean? Like I know what it's like to be the Sklar Brothers. Heavy is the head. In 1999. Has to talk. I know what I mean? Like, I know what it's like to be the Sklar brothers. Heavy is the head. In 1999.

Has to talk. I know how it is to be Doug Benson before he discovered pot comedy. Listen, I lived through the 80s. It won't that interesting. Did not warrant that much talking about it. It was fine. I literally had to be like, just so you know, like things I recognize don't start happening until like 1989. Let's fast forward a little bit.

I hope they got I hope that that Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas special bit got in. That's all I have to say. OK, when something momentous happens to you, like you get an email from someone who doesn't explain why they want you to appear on their television show, but invites you to. And then you get there and that person's not there and no one there knows why you're there or knows who you are. Then you call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions, 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. Let's take our first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest.

I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I live here in L.A. and drive in my work van down Venice. Drove underneath a bridge that usually has a handful of homeless people in their tents set up. But tonight, outside somebody's tent, a full-scale trampoline. Standard questions, I guess. How did it get there? Why do they want it there? Do you think they're just scrapping it for metal? If so, why is it set up on the sidewalk?

Yeah, could ponder it for hours. Love the show, guys. He's probably talking about Venice, California. Yes. He's not in Italy. Not Italy. Driving through a bridge with homeless. Trampoline homeless.

First of all, standard questions. Yeah. You haven't lived here long enough, sir. Yeah. Right. If you don't blow by that scene, that tableau, without even acknowledging it, you are not an Angelina. Yeah. Homeless guy on a trampoline, don't care, trying to get home.

Just like, pew. Yeah, I think. Second thing, why the fuck not? Yeah. You're homeless. You happen to put on a trampoline. It's good exercise. Yeah.

Why would you not have that? One of the really remarkable things about Los Angeles, and this is particularly true since downtown Los Angeles over the past 10 or 15 years has gentrified and now is starting to gentrify to the point that the sort of traditional public service centers where homeless people lived, which in Los Angeles literally called Skid Row. Yeah, there is an actual Skid Row is a real place. There's literally a sign that says Skid Row. I mean, I grew up always thinking that Skid Row was just a generic catch-all term for, like, the poor area.

It's a place. Yeah. It's here in Los Angeles. Shocking. And it's about to gentrify. Like, the edges are pushing in on it. And that means that recently, like here in Westlake where our office is just west of downtown, we've had sort of permanent homeless people starting to move in and they're getting pushed westward by the gentrification of downtown.

But, like, one of the amazing things about Los Angeles is it's a real big city. So it is, you know, I mean, millions of people and mild weather and the homelessness problems that go with that combination of things. problems that go with that combination of things. But it's also so vast that there's like, there's just like a lot of, like, look, there's a lot of woods in the Carolinas, but there are relatively few mega metropolises in the woodsy areas of the Carolinas. Los Angeles just has weird wildernesses. That you can walk to a 7-Eleven from. Yeah, exactly.

And there is... I don't walk to 7-Eleven anymore. I just get it delivered. And like the sheer volume of homeless person castles that have been springing up around Los Angeles, around my Los Angeles anyway, the east side of Los Angeles, in the last

year, year and a half. Astonishing. Like vast, vast complexes. With like electricity and, you know, like they've somehow, they found a plug somewhere. Yeah. And have run enough, you know, like it's, and they're generations and it's one of the things that like I don't think people understand about this city. Like, and it's gotten worse in the last, I think 55% it's gotten worse. It's mind boggling how many homeless people there are in this city like and it's gotten worse in the last i think 55 has gotten worse it's it's mind-boggling how many homeless people there are in this city and i think it's because it's a function of the fact that traditionally the homeless uh plan in los angeles uh was uh

the police and uh people who worked at hospitals would literally just put homeless people in a cab to skid row like that was previously that was what you would do you just be like wait a minute no no no this is the no homeless people part of los angeles you want the only homeless people part of los angeles and now that that is like now that there's fissures in that dam yeah like water spraying everywhere you can't comprehend what los angeles was like when I moved here in 1997. If you mentioned downtown, someone would, like, why the fuck are you going down there? Maybe you need wholesale bongs.

Yeah. You just need. You got to clear out by 430. You got to go to the bong district. Yeah. Do you have, like, a children's birthday party? Do you need little cheap toys that won't catch on fire? Oh, yeah, sure. You need things to fill a piñata.

Yeah, you need that district Yeah there's a guy living on the side of the hill right by my house Who has a network of A network of Tents And my son and I Were going for a walk the other day And accidentally saw his butt

Oh boy So that happened So you had to have the talk Yeah exactly Accidentally, Jesse? I mean, you know he lives there. The butts of the indigent. Let's take another call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse,

guest, Sonny D. This is Owen calling from Charlotte, North Carolina. I just walked out of the Whole Foods bathroom, leaving a scene where a man using an electric wheelchair or maybe a scooter I couldn't quite tell was finishing

himself off in the urinal I believe he was masturbating and I heard him finish finish and grunt and groan and then say, I'm too old for this. A young Asian American gentleman, probably about age nine or 10, walked up next to me, washed his hands, rolled his eyes and walked out the door. I'm currently walking around the grocery store to make sure i'm in whole foods and not a dream state uh anyways love the show uh have a good one bye that's right that's mostly what the carolinas were like when you live there sounds about right yeah well i love the fact that this uh this guy referred to a nine-year-old as an asian american gentleman sure well this guy this kid sounds like he had a shit together he He did. He did sound very poised.

I also love- Spoke very clearly. He spoke very clearly. I'm too old for this. Yeah. We all are. Everyone's too old to jerk off in a urinal in a grocery store. I can't.

You could also be- Not you. You could also be too young for it. I mean, you're just- You shouldn't do it. There's not really a- Too tall, too short. There's not really a sweet spot for it.

When I was 19, you know. If you had an early pubescence set upon a six-year-old, then I could see it happening. I'm the right age for that kind of thoughtless, self-indulgent behavior. But, I mean, have you been in a Whole Foods recently? They're nice. They're nice. The urge to, you know, go to town is pretty mighty. I'm lucky because I live across the street from the Whole Foods. So when I'm shopping and things get a little hot in the pants.

That hummus. I can just go home and do my business. Hot in the pants. I can just go home, do my business. That hummus with the red pepper on it, that shit's good. Oof, oof, yum yum. But I can imagine if this guy lived far away. What is that, jojoba oil? I'm out of here. I'm imagining one of those, you know those like Cialis ads that play in football games?

It's like an older couple holding hands, walking in front of a hot tub over the vineyard. Yeah. Goops splashing around in the pool. The voiceover just says, have you seen a doctor about getting hot in their pants? Are your pants less hot than they have been? Perhaps the older wife in that ad is a striking Asian woman with a shock of gray. Yeah, that's right she is. And she's painting.

And she looks up over the canvas at her man like, I am almost done with these watercolors. Oh, size 36 Levi's? Yes, sir. Let's get those khakis off you. Let's get those fleets off you. Let's get those fleets off you. She makes that noise, and then you just hear pew. That made my pants less hot. Okay, let's hear our next call.

Hi, Jordan and Jesse and guests. This is Andrea from Des Moines, Iowa. And my momentous occasion is that I just got my first prosthetic leg after having medical issues for like three years. And it was the worst. And now I can walk around my house and do normal person things like keep it clean. So it shouldn't be that exciting, but it is. And thanks for the show. It's amazing. I think that's pretty exciting.

Don't be meek about getting a new leg. No, that's great. Shouldn't be that exciting. Especially now that they've got those robot legs. Yeah, you've got the blade. You've got to have the blade. They're not making regular, like, normal. They're doing all blades now, right?

Yeah, if you get that. Oh, I don't know. If you get, what was her name, Angela? Mm-hmm. I'm going to call her Angela, whether it was or not. Andrea. Andrea. Andrea, if you get that blade, you could murder people. That's how it works.

If you have the blade, you get away with murder. Sure. You can just go ahead and pistora somebody if you want to. Get that blade, Andrea. Get that blade. It's a license to kill. Yeah, leg technologies. I mean, it used to be that if you had a high-tech prosthetic leg, that just meant that you could keep liquor in there.

Yeah, just hollow it out. Yeah, but- Run across Canada. But now you could do all kinds of shit. You could have a laser in there. Mm-hmm. This is a really good way to get bombs onto airplanes. You could sliver almonds with them.

You got it. You can do some home slivering. Yeah, man. I'm starting to get a little hot in the pants here. Well, just head down to your local Whole Foods and crank one out in the urinal. The fact that your erection could power through a fucking urinal cake, though. You're a man among men. You're a man among men.

Not to mention get around the steering column of that scooter. Maybe it was sideways. I bet he pulled up to it sideways. Yeah, that makes sense. He backed in. He turned. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I mean, I do know that the bathroom by my Whole Foods has a little community bulletin board, you know, for babysitting and the like. I don't know. Maybe in this Whole Foods it's above the, you know, how some sports bars will put the sports page up there. I mean, maybe the community bulletin board is up there and he just, you know. Saw something.

Saw something. Dog walking service. Ooh, a doula. Yeah, sure. Gymboree coupons. Yeah, sure. Some of these things will make a man want to crank it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat, Adams. Jordan, what's in that box there? I got a nice package from a listener. We'll be the judge of that. Alexis Sloan, I believe her name is. She sent in a letter with some nice penmanship. I don't exactly know why I got this box, but I did, and there's a lot of fun stuff in here.

Most prominently, Tremors 5 Bloodlines on Blu-ray starring Michael Gross and Jamie Kennedy. Yeah, I mean, you're going to want that on Blu-ray. You want that 4K. Well, I want to see it as the filmmaker intended. Right. Yeah. Oh, this is not the Criterion Collection? Never mind.

Boy, yeah, I guess they're still making Tremors movies. Commentary from the ghost of Roger Ebert? Yeah, right. They just put together stuff from his voice box.

I mean, we'll take a box of shit in the mail. Why not? I like a box of shit. There's some other stuff in here. Oh, here's a... Oh, boy, here's a...

Some catnip in a pepper grinder. Whoa, that's a good idea. Oh, that sounds like a solid product. Kitty Kush catnip in a pepper grinder. Whoa, that's a good idea. Oh, that sounds like a solid product. Kitty Kush catnip. Le Herbe Achat. Maybe this came from French Canada.

Oh, chien en delu. Right. Yeah, boy, this is catnip in a pepper grinder, so you just grind it right into the cat's eyes. That's good. Here you go. So thank you to Alexis Sloan. That's if you're being attacked by a cat on a dark street corner. Nick, you can borrow Tremors 5 bloodlines if you want to.

I'm a Tremors fan. I think I remember 1 and 2. I didn't know they were still grinding them out, though. Yeah, there have been three more since then. I'm happy for that guy. Good for him. Could have stopped at Family Ties. Joe Tremor?

It's like the Broccoli family with Bond. It's the Tremor family. It's like the Broccoli family with Bond. It's the Tremor family. They keep the legacy alive. I read an article about those Bond people. It's just an old man and an old lady. Who own the Bond franchise?

Yeah. Yeah, that is weird and they have to like ask his, get his input to every Bond movie they make. Yeah. That's why those are at once

the, they are sometimes the most modern and old fashioned movies at once the, they're sometimes the most modern and old-fashioned movies at once. Yeah. I'm guessing because a weird, you know, 80-year-old moneyed family has to weigh in.

I'm kind of dumbfounded that they still make them, honestly. No, I fuck with that. Yeah, yeah. I'm delighted to go see that. They make tons of money. No, I mean, I'm not shocked that they're successful,

but it's sort of like a throwback-y. Yeah, they have done a great job of balancing the old-fashionedness and some new shit that's actually cool. But it's like, you know exactly what's going to happen. Sure. They're never going to... Yeah, it's going to be great. There's no fucking curveball. It's going to be fucking awesome.

James, you won't find me saying a bad word about a James Bond movie. I mean, everything bad that people say about them is fair, I would say, but I don't care. That's my jam. That's fine. I'm not anti-James Bond. Now that they're hiring really talented cinematographers, there's like a relatively new innovation in the Bond franchise a couple movies ago. It is nice that they don't just look like Van Damme movies. Yeah.

Which there was a hot second where they basically looked like Van Damme movies. Also, they had a good 20 years where they cast a guy where you're like, he couldn't beat anybody up. Get out of here. Roger Moore couldn't beat anybody up. Yeah. Like, stop it. Timothy Dalton had like a serial killer vibe.

He was like too dangerous. They went too far. They just got it wrong for a long time. Pierce Brosnan. Nick, it is always a delight to have you on the program. You're one of America's most beloved Jordan Jesse Go guests. I'll take it. It's a very narrow category.

You're actually leading in the Republican primaries right now. Depending on which state. Yeah. And depending on which poll. Sure. But I talked to Nate Silver earlier. The CNN poll was very gracious. Liberal media. Yeah. It depending on which poll. Sure. But I talked to Nate Silver earlier. The CNN poll was very gracious. Liberal media.

Yeah. It's been a joy. Thank you so much for being here. It's always fun to come on down, guys. Brian Fernandez is our producer laughing in the background through the window. You know what? I listened to an episode of Jordan Just to Go that Brian produced. Maybe it was the one with Karen andaren and chris that i wasn't on

that brian was here for and you can hear us laughing a little bit it's fine it's not a big deal it's not it's not a big deal if you think it is uh i don't know maybe that's on you there's been a weird that's your deal there's been a weird trend recently of people like uh challenging me on our recording setup like uh yeah like how come it's so hot in there like yeah because it's a small space and you can't move that much air through because it makes too much noise like how come you can hear something that happens outside because it's not totally soundproof really somebody on the internet thinks they can do it better i know thinks you're doing it wrong you're doing it wrong yeah to be fair they probably can't yeah i mean sure you know there's no reason to say it our lower middle class level of success why don't you why don't you pony up the link for your web

series smart guy and let us rip that apart yeah let's see what let's see what you're making a web comic web comic nick about pokemon is brian fernandez on the board uh we're on twitter Eh, webcomic. Let's say, eh, webcomic, Nick. About Pokemon. Brian Fernandez on the board. We're on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. Nick is, what the fuck are you on Twitter?

Nick Adams Web. Nick Adams Web. If you tweet at Nick Adams, you get a super hot, talented gay theater actor in New York. Yeah, oh, that guy is super hot. He's really hot. He seems to be a really talented guy. He's doing all kinds of stuff. But don't follow that. I mean, follow that guy, but also follow me.

Is he verified? I don't know. I think he's done Broadway. Okay. Yeah, he's been in some major things. Yeah, he's a good deal. I remember when he appeared on Broadway in Eclipse, Dior IMDb. At a certain point, I was on a show and we were doing a gag where we were just doing a Google image search of everybody's name and just making jokes about whatever happened.

And I was like, I know what's going to happen if you Google image search my name. And it's just all pictures of this guy in like, I think he was in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert or something like that. So he's just like in like briefs with glitter. And I was like, that's not me. I got a super hot. He's way in much better shape than I am. He's super ripped.

Um, he sounds great. So add Nick Adams. Well, I like, I like the sound of this guy. We'll try and get the other Nick Adams next time. We apologize for this Nick Adams,

uh, forum. Uh, no, not forum. Dot maximum fund. Dot org. We shut down that forum.

Boom. Maximum fund. Dot reddit.com. And on Facebook, you can like Jordan Jesse Goh and talk about the show in the Maximum Fun Facebook group. Great bunch of folks in there. Sounds fun. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Goh.