Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 407: Anal Tending

Episode Date: December 14, 2015

Jordan and Jesse roll duo in this episode for a discussion of the magical land of Mentos commercials, Rage Against the Machine's apology for Limp Bizkit, and the enchanting dream of a listener.  Plus, there's an update to the Ted Cruz correction policy.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. How are you, Jordan? Doing okay. Hey, we're rolling solo this week. Yeah.

Duo? We're rolling duo this week. Yeah, we're one man. We're riding dirty this week. Yeah. We have handcuffs under the seat. Sure. And I'm on drugs. What drugs are you on, Jordan? Yeah, we're one man. We're riding dirty this week. Yeah. We have handcuffs under the seat. Sure. And I'm on drugs.

What drugs are you on, Jordan? Little of this, little of that. Right? I mean, who can say anymore? Yeah, I mean, I start with Angel Dust and go from there. Yeah. That's what I do. What I do is I find a shady-looking guy hanging out in front of a gas station. Right.

Just, you know, try and approach, you know, whoever's hanging around, whoever looks shakiest. Right. And I just, you know, slip them all the money in my wallet. And I say, give me a handful of something. Right. And then I just shove it in my mouth. Maybe it's not a drug that should be taken orally. Uh-huh.

But I don't have the time to, you know, figure it out and, you know, Google it. Right. I mean, prepare a syringe. Right. I got a go-go Hollywood lifestyle. Well, everybody knows that. Sure. But I'm just restating.

I went through all... I actually did that yesterday. Went down to the 7-Eleven. I saw that there was a shady looking guy hanging out outside. Gave him $100. And I just shoved everything he gave me into my mouth. I've never eaten so many Mentos at once. Just gave me a package of Mentos.

Worth the $80 though, right? Well, I'm feeling fresh, feeling good. Sure, yeah. I'm full of life. Yeah, and you helped that woman move her VW Bug out of that tiny parking space. Can I ask you a question? Please. This is a sincere question.

Sure. And this is, I think, this is a question that I have not heard addressed elsewhere. Mentos, in the late 1990s, had a series of television commercials. Sure. That featured their signature song that went, Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-wah. Doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life,

with Mentos fresh and full of life. Nothing gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool, with Mentos fresh and full of life. Yeah. Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, fresh goes better with Mentos

fresh and full of life. Mentos, the fresh maker. Okay. Yeah. I know the one. There was a series of commercials, and what you would see on screen is, and this is for younger millennials, people who don't own televisions because they just read. Yeah.

Joyless people. Sure. So you would see a remarkable series of events in which, you know, someone... It looked like it was being filmed in the Netherlands somewhere. Yes.

So, okay, so you would see, whatever, you know, somebody would get mud splashed on them and then a grandma would hit them with a purse and then they would pop a Mentos and then four muscle men

would pick them up and carry them to a public shower. Mm-hmm. Like, things would really pick up for them. Yeah, after they had that Mentos. Yeah, so they did – every one of these commercials looked like it had been shot in – with like the kind of cameras that they used to shoot like early 90s British sitcoms that run on PBS. Yeah, sure. Like everything was a little bit – everything was extremely video-y and a little bit too bright.

Yeah, like the first – that old Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Yes. I think is my go-to reference for weird video-y looking BBC thing. Yeah, and clearly like everything was lit. They just said, can we give it a wash? Sure. to reference for weird video looking BBC thing. Yeah. And clearly like everything was lit. They just said can we give it a wash. Sure. Just a white wash over everything.

And as you said everything looks like it took place in the Netherlands. Yeah. Or Copenhagen. Sure. Or just somewhere where there's only white people. Yeah. It's like just a little bit different from the U. Sure. Or just somewhere where there's only white people. Yeah, so the place that's just a little bit different from the U.S. Some place where people are really into the Moomins. Sure.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. A Tintin place. Yeah. A place where people have posters of Tintin. Sure. A land of boring children's literature. Exactly.

So that's the rough description of these commercials. Has it been established to what extent those commercials were ironic? That's a great question. No, I mean, the internet likes an oral history of, you know, you got to read this, an oral history of the making of the you know, the Mortal Kombat movie. Right. I would love to see the oral history of the Mentos commercials from, you know, conception from pitch to, you know, cultural impact. We need one of these people.

There's Max Funn people who could be handling this right now. Tess Barker could be writing it up. Sure. Allegra ringo could be writing it up from uh can i pet your dog shove this up vice yeah you know who would love this shoved up them vice.com i sincerely need to know the answer to this question i think max funsters can answer yeah because it it sure didn't seem ironic yeah boy i mean it's intended to be i think the only other thing that came close to that But it sure didn't seem ironic. Yeah, boy. It's intended to be ironic. I think the only other thing that came close to that was the Red Bull commercials of the early 2000s. With the cartoons?

There are these little pencil drawings of cartoons that were clearly dubbed over because the people were speaking way too fast for the speed that the cartoon mouths were moving. And you think that this is just – they all seemed like commercials that they had just hired a Swiss man to make. Sure, yeah. You know what I mean? And like his primary thing was making commercials for Rolos, something like that. Yeah. And then he transferred into energy drinks. That's how it would seem. Yeah, I think that the Mentos commercials were probably a – here's my guess.

Right. Is that it was a cheap way to have a commercial because this is probably something – and Mentos strikes me as this is something from another land that, you know, this fits the tastes of the Netherlands. Right. They love like a minty, chalky choo-choo. Right. That's actually the slogan of the Netherlands. Yeah. We love a minty, chalky choo-choo.

Yeah. And then they're like, hey, let's bring this over to America. No need to shoot commercials. These don't have any dialogue. We'll just, you know, record a snappy, you know, doo-wop jingle. And then I think they captured the imagination. We'll just record a snappy doo-wop jingle. And then I think they captured the imagination. I think they were meant to fit seamlessly into American commercial blocks.

Can I suggest a mashup? Sure. You take the video. You love a mashup too, by the way. You can't get enough of them. This is the hottest new thing. I don't know if you've heard about this. Sure. DJ Danger Mouse has been doing it. Yeah. This is the hottest new thing. I don't know if you've heard about this. Sure. DJ Danger Mouse has been doing it. Yeah.

This is really thrilling. It's really, you won't believe what Britney Spears' vocals can be slapped on top of. Sure. Throw the Star Wars Cantina song under Straight Outta Compton. Yeah. And it gets better. It's a comic mismatch, but with a surprising punch.

But, you know, you start listening because it's kind of funny, but then it's really good. You got it. Okay, so here's my pitch. You take the visuals from the Mentos commercial. Yeah. And you take out staying fresh, staying cool. And you put in Danny DeVito's Limoncello.

It's a taste of life from this famous fellow. You mean the Danny DeVito's Limoncello song that may or may not only play when you open the website to Danny DeVito's Limoncello? There's a YouTube video of it. Oh, is it? I thought it was just an autoplay thing on his website. So it was just an autoplay thing on his website, but then someone put it up on YouTube. And I'm going to guess, okay, just to give a little context. Danny DeVito has a signature limoncello.

Sure. A limoncello being alcohol-soaked lemon rinds or something. And it was advertised on the back cover of The New Yorker for quite a while, a number of back covers of The New Yorker, which has to be a pretty expensive investment. Just had a giant picture of Danny DeVito smiling and holding up a little tiny glass of limoncello. Well, I mean, they knew their audience. We want cosmopolitan types. Exactly. This is a drink for intellectuals.

Sure. And it had a song, an insane song. Actually, I bet Brian could pull up the song and play it for us. But it has an insane song. And my guess, this is my guess, is that the guy who wrote the song, whose name is World's Shittiest Dean Martin, he is the one who put it on YouTube and then matched up or a social media consultant. It's possibly Winter Mitchell from Pop Rocket. Sure.

But I think the guy who wrote the song, this is my theory, the guy who wrote the song said, you know, you can only hear this. People want to hear this song and they can only hear it by going to DannyDeVito'sLemoncello.com. can only hear it by going to Danny DeVito's Limoncello.com. What if I put it up on YouTube and I matched it up with a slideshow of pictures from Flickr of Danny DeVito at bottle

signing events for Danny DeVito's Limoncello? Still photographs of Danny DeVito. Awkward, ugly, still photographs of Danny DeVito with random people who are excited to have met Danny DeVito. Yeah. Because that's what is on YouTube when you search the song.

Yeah. Okay. You know, I noticed that the other day on At Midnight, we were just doing kind of a random search for, like, Star Wars detritus. Like, you know, what's the, you know, in this. At At Midnight, this is called Wednesdays. Like, you know, what's the, you know, in this. At Advent Night, this is called Wednesdays. Yeah, yeah. This is, yeah, it's called, yeah, it's called, it's, we are, we are all barnacles. We stick our flagella out.

Right. And we see what kind of bullshit floats by. It's Thursday, technically. Thursday that happens on. Right. And Wednesday's a two-show day, Jesse. Jordan. We don't have time to watch Star Wars vids.

Jordan, I don't think you're a barnacle. Thank you. I think you're an anemone. Oh, that's nice. A beautiful anemone. Sure. I have stinging capabilities. Sure.

And a clownfish can live in me. Yeah. And I'll protect him. He's my friend. Symbiosis, that's called. Sure. Oh, yeah. I clean him.

I clean his scales. And we were wondering, like, I mean, there's this thing that will happen on YouTube when something will become big. There is an obvious joke that goes along with it. Right. And it's kind of fun to see who does that joke or how many variations on that joke. I think the conversation started when someone said, oh, there's probably a landline bling. Uh-huh. You know, to go along with the famous Drake song Hotline Bling.

Right. Sure enough, there are a lot of different people doing landline bling to, you know, with varying quality and production values. All right. Is anyone doing ley line bling? What? That's following the Earth's natural magnetic patterns. No, but they should. Yeah, I think so.

I think that's a guaranteed viral sensation. Yeah, well, certainly. I mean, at the bare minimum, you got those, what are those, dowsers. I think dowsers at the very minimum, like people who use a fork stick to try to find water deep under the earth, they'd be interested in ley line bling. That's a very specific audience for that. But, you know, not an insignificant audience, and it's about finding a niche. Right, exactly.

That's what the internet's about. Sure, sure. Our niche is people who are looking for a podcast with no premise or content. Sure. In this case, the niche. Two men no one has heard of. Yes. Let's make sure of this.

They are of medium age, medium talent, and insignificant notability. That's the podcast for me. But something that there was a – so we were kind of taking that idea and applying it to Star Wars. Like what's a Star Wars joke that many, many people have done? Star Wars bling. Yeah, right? Oh, man. Did it all for the Wookiee.

Oh, yeah. So there are a lot of different did it all for the Wookiees, and, you know, people have tried it in various ways. One guy just does did it all for the Nookie but says Wookiee, which is easily the laziest. Is that Fred Durst? Yeah, it is Fred Durst. Right, exactly.

But yeah, there are some where someone will dress up like Chewbacca and dance. But yeah, the lazier ones are just stock photos of Chewbacca put over this kind of bad song parody. Bad song parody. And an interesting thing about those song parodies is how many parodists or wannabe parodists feel the need to do the whole song. Like all four verses? Yeah, like if I can speak to the song parodists out there. I think you can. That's our core audience speaking of finding your niche.

Yeah, right. Don't feel like you have to do the whole song. Just get the joke out there. Did it all for the Wookiee. Ha, ha, ha. You know, a couple of replaces. Get out of there. 90 seconds.

Bing, bang, boom? Bing, bang, boom. No need to do the whole sprawling 12-minute rock opera that his did it all for the Nookie. Do you think that we could write an effective parody of the Danny DeVito's Limoncello songs i mean i think it has the ubiquity you're looking for sure yeah i mean everyone knows it do you think we should probably ask al yankovic if it's okay yeah we do it because he might be he might he could have one in the pipe and yeah you don't want to you know we don't want to step on we release you know a week before him that's one of the nicest guys in show business oh sure you don't want to you don't want to upset al yankovic yeah yeah you just want you want to call them say hey al i'm an aspiring song periodist i'm nowhere near you know his phone phone number is probably on the internet

somewhere i've got his i've got his address i went to his house one time i'll just i'll just go knock on the door okay yeah well yeah we should say that hey we've got this idea for instead of Danny DeVito's Limoncello, it's Danny DeVito's Smelly Cello. Oh, I was going to say Danny DeVito's Wookiee. Yeah. That's what I had. I did it all for the Limoncello? Are we going too far away from the original premise? And just make sure that, you know, see what Al's take is.

The other day in my Facebook, you know Facebook has trends and it's trying to figure out what you want. Sure. Here's an interesting observation about Facebook trends real quick. When there is a – something that seems to be happening when there's a tragedy. Which I think we both can agree is happening all too often these days. Yeah. We're coming out as anti-tragedy. I'm certainly anti-tragedy.

Sure. I don't like it. Jordan, are you personally anti-tragedy or just collectively as part of Jordan, Jesse, go? Both. Okay. Yeah. In my personal life and as part of this show. Sure.

I mean, I think I've consistently been against tragedies for all of my public life and much of my private years. My years as a private, ordinary citizen. Yeah, sure. Before I became a podcaster

of almost no renown. When there is a tragedy, an observation that mind blowers like to make is clipping out that Facebook trend thing and going, oh, here's what we care about. Here's what America – in the wake of this thing that happened, it looks like we care about the Final Fantasy VII remake trailer. like we care about the Final Fantasy VII remake trailer, Kylie Jenner's lip selfie, and, you know, three dogs that can't believe it's Christmas. It's like, well, no, Facebook is tailoring that. That's what you care about. Yeah. You. That needs to be an indictment of you when you post that. Look what I care about in the wake of this tragedy. Anyway. Yeah.

People just say, oh, you know, something horrible just happened in the news or, you know, Trump said something awful. Sure, sure. And what's trending on Twitter? There's a hey dude reunion in Entertainment Weekly. That's because you've searched for Hey Dude on Twitter seven times. Right. They are giving you what you want. If you keep clicking on hashtag Hey Dude Reunion, eventually it's going to show up as a trending.

I think in order to not be angered by that, we all just need to go home and just Google Ruth Bader Ginsburg 100 times. And then maybe that trending topics thing will be a little more palatable. So what I'm grateful to Facebook for is that it has figured out that I want to know if someone on the Giants, 49ers, A's, or Warriors did something amazing that I can watch a 10-second video clip of. Sure. Because that, to me, is an immense service of the internet 2015. That it took until roughly 2014 for there to be an effective delivery system of the one amazing thing that happened to one of my favorite sports teams last night. Or in the last few hours in some cases. That's amazing to me. Sure.

That seems like something the internet should have figured out in 2001. Like I'm not saying it should have figured it out in 1996. Sure. But like I should have had – I should have been able to go to Yahoo, set my favorite team's preferences and had it just show up like send me a text message or, when the running back for the 49ers had an 85-yard run. Sure. So that's a good thing. Professional sports kind of famously behind the times when it comes to the internet, kind

of keeping everything locked up in weird ways. So that's something I'm grateful to Facebook for. It now tells me when something amazing happened to a player on one of my favorite teams or one of my favorite team or one of my favorite teams players did something it also recently told me uh that the band rage against the machine uh apologized for limp biscuit recently uh the band the band rage against the machine the uh now they are not and this could be wrong i could be wrong about this yeah from. From what I understand, Rage Against the Machine are not currently a band. No. They have several terrible side projects.

Yes. But I like the idea. They have a long history of weird and terrible. Zack De La Roca at one point made a side project with Questlove from The Roots that never came out. Oh. Yeah. Probably because it was too good. Yeah.

Well, he's certainly a great rapper when judged by hip-hop standards. Sure. too good yeah well he but he's certainly a great rapper when judged by hip-hop standards sure it seems i like the idea that they have come from their various corners of music to reunite for this reason and this reason only yes they're like we hate each other we had a bad breakup we're not reuniting despite the you know millions of dollars it could probably get us but we would like to hold this press conference because looking back, we feel bad about Limp Bizkit. Here's the thing about that story when I looked at it, and I looked at it cursorily.

Sure. I don't want to suggest. You didn't do a deep dive. No. It was a TLDR probably. Yeah, absolutely. It was definitely a TLDR. I saw it on slash R slash things tangentially related to your cultural interests.

I appreciate the apology, but honestly, it doesn't cut it. What do you want to see some bloodletting or something? Well, there's two reasons in my mind. A public flogging? There's two reasons in my mind a public flogging there's two reasons in my mind that it doesn't cut it uh one is that the brief reign at the top of the pop charts of uh limp biscuit corn and a few imitators sure is definitely the worst popular music that has been at the top of the charts in my adult lifetime. No question. Or I guess that was probably when I was just short of being an adult.

Maybe I was 16, 17 around then. So it's basically impossible to apologize for. And there's no doubt that it is pretty much Rage Against the Machine's fault. The other thing is, while I don't think that Rage Against the Machine is a group of reprehensible people in the same way that one might think Fred Durst, for example, was reprehensible. And in fact, they were very high minded. And generally speaking, I would say as far as I can tell from the outside, their hearts were in the right place. Sure.

I recently— I would agree with all of this. As someone who was not interested in Rage Against the Machine, but looking back on what I gleaned about them from the occasional song on Modern Rock Radio and being in a friend's car that they were playing it, on rock radio and being in like a friend's car that they were playing it they seem to be you know while the music is bad and certainly led to much much much much worse music they seem to be uh they wanting to bring uh wanting to bring a kind of revolutionary spirit to you know the injustice to the world social justice and economic justice all great stuff. And based on the people that they've associated since, you know, your Quest loves, I bet they're good guys. Sure.

You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. But I did recently hear some of their music, which I had not heard in 15 years. Mm-hmm. And going into hearing it, I thought, you know what? A lot of people that I really liked, really liked Rage Against the Machine. And I really think their hearts were in the right place. So I should listen to this with a genuinely open heart.

And I think I achieved that and found in so doing that I still find it to be unlistenable garbage. So let's talk about. So those are the two reasons why I do not accept that apology as sufficient. So let's talk about penance because they clearly, you know, this has clearly been weighing on them. Do you think you want to see the guys, RATM, maybe like marched through the streets in the nude, maybe like followed by a nun who is just yelling shame. Hmm.

Would that be appropriate? That's an interesting possibility. And then they can be like taunted by villagers. Should they be Game of Thrones? Should they be Game of Thrones-ed? Yeah. That's a tough question. And I will say, I want to give some context to this.

Sure. I recently had a similar experience with a band that I know was one of Adolescent Jordan's favorite bands, Green Day, which is to say that I bought Green Day's first CD as a kid. I bought Green Day's first CD as a kid. But Green Day obviously opened the floodgates to the second worst type of music that has been a form of popular music, which is the sort of the garbage pop punk. Sure. The nasty garbage pop punk. And I had— Practiced by your sums 41s. Exactly. At all. Yeah. bitch pop punk and i had practiced by your sums 41s is exactly your at all yeah and i recently um

i think someone put someone posted on uh laughing squid or something a vhs video of the green day of the green day guys or two of the three i think trey cool joined later but the green day guys playing a concert when they were like 18 or something like that at a high school. And I watched some of it, and I thought, as I was watching, I thought, you know what? You know why these guys were so popular? On the one hand, I'm still annoyed by the sort of like baby voice slash fakey accent, but these guys are great songwriters. Some of the things that i liked about them as an 11 year old i still really like like i like that they have very melodic a very melodic

bass line that you don't often hear in rock music like there's things that i really enjoyed about and i was like you know what i completely forgive green day for some splink 182 sure uh it wasn't their fault. Yeah. They were just doing their best. It's, you know, I'm not going to run out and listen to a bunch of Green Day, but, you know, God bless them.

Yeah. And again, like Rage Against the Machine, I think Green Day's heart, generally speaking, was in the right place, you know, like they were all about

that kind of like, you know, I had a lot of friends who were involved in that kind of all-ages punk rock scene around Berkeley at the time. I think, you know, even to this day, I mean, a popular kind of thing to see on a laughing squid or a boing-boing is a, you know, I think, you know, a couple times a year the Green Day gang will just pop into Gilman Street and, you know, play some old Op Ivy songs for a group of kids that boo them.

Yeah. And they do it. They do it because that is important to them, that world. I had plenty of friends who I really liked and had really great teenage values who had tons of Operation Ivy

and rancid pieces of white fabric attached to their black denim jackets or whatever. And so, God bless. So I just want to give that for context in terms of not accepting Rage Against the Machine's apology because in listening back to Green Day, I thought, you know, these are really nicely crafted songs, even coming from a 16-year-old. Sure.

And these are talented guys. That's probably why they were so successful. And yet I still can't forgive Rage Against the Machine. Despite the fact that I think that they're probably good guys, and if one of them was, like, if we got a call that said, Zach DeLaRocca wants to be a guest on Jordan, Jesse, go, I would gladly do it, and I would look forward to it, because I bet he's a great guy.

It's totally not his fault, either. He's not actually responsible for the people that came after him. He didn't have to do that. Yeah, that's the other thing. Like, his apology is, in a way, unnecessary, even though I refuse to accept it. Boy, howdy. This is just related. I mean, my childhood fondness for Green Day was very deep.

Yeah. And sometimes I will see that Green Day has put out a new thing and want to check it out. Sure. Oh, boy, it's bad. Is it? Oh, boy. Oh, boy, it's bad. Is it? Oh, boy. Oh, boy, it's bad. I am blown.

And I don't know what it is. I don't know what- Do they still tour as Green Day? They still tour as Green Day for- Yeah, to the best of my knowledge, they still do tour as Green Day. What about Pearl Jam? Do Pearl Jam still tour as Pearl Jam?

I don't think so. I think Eddie Vedder will tour. I remember him putting in an album of all ukulele music. Awesome. So, yeah, I think they do shit. I think Pearl Jam and its adjacent members have weird vanity projects that they can get. They can fill up a basketball arena in Vermont for people to come see.

I do have an idea here, like a little side idea. Sure. If Rage Against the Machine makes an album of ukulele music, I will accept that as an apology. Oh, okay. 100%. Sure. So this is-

100%. And this has to be like a wide release? Is this just something they can put up on their website? Or does this have to be something that they tour behind and do talk shows and stuff? I would like something in between. I would like something like Miley Cyrus' album with Wayne Coyne. Okay. Which is to say they do not have to charge money for it.

Okay. They could put it up on their website. But I would like them to tour behind it. Even if that tour is a quote unquote secret tour playing venues smaller than they otherwise would play like club shows sure exactly if they play like 8 club shows and just like in case Rage Against the Machine are listening

because I think you were right in saying that they probably would be interested in coming on the show because they're probably fans you know do you want this to just be like a ukulele version of their music which is to say you, a kind of shouty rapping mixed with metal but just played on the ukulele? Or do you want these to be like beach jams? I would like for them to be.

Yeah. was going to cite an example of what i would like to hear them working towards um it's the uh hawaiian singer-songwriter is okay israel complicated hawaiian last name lots of k's in there yeah um uh i would like to see them go for something that is genuinely transcendently beautiful and sincere. Okay. And I think they're very sincere guys. I have a hard time picturing the Rage Against the Machine guys. No, I mean, I think you can say a lot of things about them. I don't think they were.

They're probably not ones to goof. I mean, I don't know what Zack DeLaRocca's falsetto sounds like, but he doesn't have to do lead vocals. If one or the other, if Tom Morello sure if he wants to i thought of the name of a second guy from rage against the machine i think those are the two guys i don't think you will be hard pressed to find a casual fan who would be able to name the other guys in it let's see geez who else have you got in rage against the machine you have okay so you got zach de la roca right yep that's uh lead vocalist. He does the rapping and singing.

Tom Morello, of course. He's a great guitarist. Sure. On drums, you have, is it Ringo Starr? Is that the drummer? Mm-hmm. No, hold on. For certain albums, it was Neil Peart. And then on the-

Rest in peace. On the keyboards, it's Billy Preston, right? Isn't Billy Preston on the keyboards? It's actually Jem of Jem and the Holograms. Oh, okay. It was a fake person. Oh, okay. Yeah.

She later went on to form Jem and the Holograms, but she started out in Rage Against the Machine. I'm going to offer one more out for Rage Against the Machine. Okay. If they go on tour as Ringo's all-star band with an anger Ringo. Is Ringo in the band? Yeah, Ringo plays the drums. Oh, okay. So you kick out whatever guy is playing the drums now.

And they play some Rage Against the Machine songs and some Ringo Beatles songs and originals. Plus a few favorite, you know, Roll Over Beethoven. Yeah. Just a few favorite covers. Sure. A few classic covers okay Billy Preston I think

is dead and Gem of the Holograms is fictional but if they could get on keyboards whoever played keyboards in the new Gem of the Holograms

from the recent Gem of the Holograms movie sure yes directed by the guy who directed that documentary about Justin Bieber. Okay.

Great. I think that's really, I mean, none of this is easy to do. Right. Like record the, you know, ukulele album. Well, it's not easy to start a pop music revolution that ruins rock radio for a solid five years. Yeah, boy, it hasn't come back, has it? No. They destroyed pop.

They single-handedly destroyed pop radio. That may have been their goal, and they may have achieved it. Sure. Yeah, maybe that was part of their revolutionary spirit is we can burn this thing down. Yeah. We can take it back to the garages. Fire, fire. Buck, buck, buck.

Sure, sure. Yeah. By just making something that assholes will want to imitate so badly. Yeah. That's a long game they had in mind. I wouldn't put it past them. Like I said, I genuinely believe them to probably be good guys. Yeah, it might be genius.

Boy, yeah. I will periodically turn on rock and roll radio, modern rock radio when I'm driving around. Do they still have that? They still have that. And here's what that is. That is songs from the Rage Against the Machine Green Day era. So I will recognize a lot of songs from, you know, on my way to high school. Is this K-Rock here in Los Angeles? This is K-Rock. There's a couple other ones, but that's always my go-to. That was like the rock and roll station you listen to in high school.

Right. K-Rock is like probably the most legendary alt rock station in the history of the United States. There are a couple others, but – and, you know, like things that have changed formats. I think the like adult contemporary station, Star 98.7, at some point just started playing less Matchbox 20 and more Green Day. Anyway. But it will be songs from, you know, songs from our era growing up. Green Day, Rage Against the Machine, RHCP, RCHP, Red Hot, RHCP, Red Hot Chili Peppers. RCMP. RCMP.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Yeah, sure. Oh, man. Hold on. Vamp for a second. I'm going to try and think of a Canadian Red Hot Chili Peppers song. Okay. So you can. Vamp for a second. I'm going to try and think of a Canadian Red Hot Chili Pepper song. Okay. So you can just vamp for a second.

Brian, did you find the Danny DeVito's Limoncello song? Let's hear a little bit of Danny DeVito's Limoncello, the song. We'll each try and think of a Green Day Red Hot Chili Pepper song. Okay. Okay. Danny DeVito's Limoncello. It's a taste of life from this famous fellow. It's oh so very nice.

Perfect serve. Cold on ice. The finest summer drink from Italy. The finest summer drink from Italy? It doesn't even rhyme with anything. No, uh-uh. Limoncello, you really gotta try anything. No, uh-oh. It's a great song.

Brian is particularly laughing because he's just watching the, he's just on his computer, which is playing the song right now, is the slideshow of just people with their arm around Danny DeVito. Yeah, look it. Oh, here he's signing someone's boobs. Is this a reprise? Okay, I think I got it. Okay.

Toronto fornication. Pretty good, right? Yeah. It was a good thing it took that long. So yeah, so Modern Rock Radio now is that stuff. Do I get to say mine? Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Under the Drake.

It's good. It's pretty good. It's Under the Bridge, but with Drake instead of Bridge. No, it's good. Drake's from Canada. Yeah, he's Canadian. Under the Rick Moranis. Sorry, I don't mean to be punching up your joke there.

No, you're a professional punch-up guy, so I feel a little bit outclassed here if you're going to come and punch up my joke. Sure. I think they're both good. I didn't punch down your joke. That's what I'm good at. That's true, yeah. Keeping your mouth shut when someone delivers the perfect joke, which is Toronto-fornication.

Hey, hit us up on Twitter. What are your Canadian red hot chili pepper songs? What about Calga-fornication? Oh, that's good. Right? For Calgary. Calation? Oh, that's good. Right? For Calgary. Calgarinia. Calgarinication?

I think you need... Calgarinication? Mm-hmm. But then you lose the fornication. Yeah. Let's just say they're equally good. Can you live with that? What about this?

Trailer Park Boys. No, yeah. Those guys are great. That's instead of Lick My Kiss. Ah, sure. Suck My Kiss? Yeah. Suck My Kiss. There we go. So, yeah. Those guys are great. That's instead of lick my kiss. Ah, sure. Suck my kiss? Suck my kiss. There we go. So, Modern Rock Radio, that stuff. Can I tell you one thing about the Red Hot Chili

Peppers I thought about the other day? Sure. I'm sorry to derail this further, but remember that song they had where the chorus was, Power of equality. Oh, this is early Red Hot Chili Peppers. That would be Blood Sugar Sex Magic.

Blood Sugar Sex Magic. That's the Red Hot Chili Peppers album I had. What the fuck is that? Jesus Christ. Who wrote that song? A nine-year-old? Okay, that's all. Go ahead.

Sure, yeah. Those are bad. So stuff like that and then songs that sound like they are in a commercial for a Microsoft Surface or another product that no one you know has. Uh-huh. So you know these kinds of songs? I have a Microsoft Surface, George. Well, there you go. Maybe you're influenced by these songs.

I listen to a lot of Florence and the Machine. Yeah, exactly. It's like Florence and the Machine with a male singer. Oh, yeah. And then some Florence and the Machine, but it's like florence and the machine with a male singer oh yeah and then some florence and the machine but it's like things that have just bands from bands from the lively modern rock scene in las vegas in 2015 yeah yeah exactly so yeah that's that seems to be when you know rock rock radios you know trying to squeeze in something new. It's always this kind of like inspirational, like feel good song that has no qualities.

Is there a hit rock song? I don't know. I wonder what the closest thing to a hip rock song or a hit rock song there is now currently playing. I mean, I bet, you know, I think I have heard new Florence and the Machine songs. Are those hits? Don't know. Okay, Brian, here's your job.

Find out what the last rock song to appear in the Billboard Top Ten was. We're going to take a quick break. Sure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go, the legendary alternative rock radio pop culture commentary program from two guys with no expertise. Let's be honest. We live in a world with too much media. You need a podcast on the front lines figuring out what's great.

We're here for you. We're Pop Rocket. I am Guy Branum. I'm a comedian. I'm Wynter Mitchell. I call myself a digital strategist. I'm Oliver Wang, academic and disc junkie. We're Pop Rocket. or wherever you download podcasts. Pawprocket, every Wednesday from MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, recently. Yeah. But, uh, quixotic quest to find a rocket. Yeah. It looks like there's a woman named L King. Uh huh.

E L L. Is that her name? That sounded like, I mean, that was a song we listened to. This is on the rock charts. I recognize this song, but this song bear, this would just on the very edge of making it onto rock radio.

In its amount of rocking. Okay. So yeah, this is, she is basically, she's kind of like a rockabilly Amy its amount of rocking. Okay. So yeah, this is, she is basically, she's kind of like a rockabilly Amy Winehouse. Yeah. That's a,

that's a fair, that's a fair description. Yeah. Um, and yeah, but I would say 75% Amy Winehouse, 25% rocking. Sure.

Sure. Um, and yeah, and I think that, I mean, that's how I feel a lot about, about, about a lot of like new rock songs.

It seems like, it seems like boy band music or dance music to me. Yeah. And that's my old man take on rock and roll these days. Play a power chord, fellas. How about a guitar solo? I'll say this. I am no longer capable of telling people what rap music to listen to.

But I'm happy to say that there's a lot of good rap music coming out these days. Like if I hear a rap song that people are excited about, sometimes even a hit rap song, I usually enjoy it. I like that Hotline Bling, I tell you what. It was a really good song. I fucking hate Drake too. Drake is the one thing that I'm old man-ish about. I just can't stand Drake. I don't know much about him other than that.

He's a great punch line of like rapper that cries. And I do like him a lot as a punch line just to, you know, use for general jokes. But but yeah, I remember I remember us. I mean, this is where I consume most of my media is just at work when we're watching things that are popular on the Internet. of my media is just at work when we're watching things that are popular on the internet. And like, I distinctly remember them turning on Hotline Bling and saying, oh, this is a Drake video that people can't shut up about. I'm like, all right. And I started rubbing my hands together, getting ready to say how much it sucked.

Like thinking of things about this that I can say sucked. And yes, I mean, the dancing is very weird in the video, but the song is great. And that video has so many women with big butts in it. Yeah. It was terrific. It was terrific! Jordan, I got to tell you, I like the dancing, too. I think the dancing is great.

The Drake dance show. Yeah, I think it's great. I think it's kind of great. Yeah, it's fun. And I say that, again, as somebody who actively hates Drake. It's a distinct quality. Yeah, I think it's very charming. I think it's really neat.

I think Drake has always been very competent. The main problem with Drake is just that he is just so fucking lame. Sure. That's the main problem with Drake. Something we were trying to crack at work was like a way to talk about his feud with Meek Mill. Uh-huh. Because it was a big thing on the internet. I mean, black Twitter specifically, which is always a little bit of a hard thing to explain to a general audience. Yeah. Uh-huh. It was a weird thing that a guy was like. It just sounded like weird drug-addled free association.

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Meek Mill is a pretty talented rapper. And Drake is, again, the thing about Drake is it's not that he's horrible. He's just so banal. Sure. He's just so competent and lame. The John Mayer of hip hop.

Yeah. Impotent and lame. The John Mayer of hip hop. Yeah. And so somehow Drake won that feud, but he sort of won it in like a weird kind of like punching the tar baby kind of thing. You know, like somehow he just like somehow just subsumed Meek Mill with his lameness. Sure. Like Meek Mill just kept trying to hit him him but kept getting stuck until he suffocated. Like trying to flail in quicksand.

Like there's just nothing to like grab onto with Drake besides a just general sense of lame ennui. You know what I mean? Like no specifics to the ennui really even. Like no, I mean like what are you going to make fun of? That he likes the toronto raptors a lot he does like the raptors a lot you know what i mean which honestly like that's one of his best qualities like that's kind of great i like that he likes the toronto raptors i wish he liked the vancouver grizzlies and i know that they don't exist anymore sorry dave shumka but uh you know

i i think if he was a big uh big country bryant fan that'd be fun but yeah i think if he was a big country Bryant fan, that'd be fun. But, yeah, I mean, yeah, it was a sad scene. That was not something that I'm excited about. Liking Hotline Bling. Yeah. Well, thinking Hotline Bling is good. Yeah, but I am grateful that I haven't gotten to the point where – I mean, do you have this – you have to watch random music videos for work on YouTube, right?

Yeah, yeah. Have you noticed that it really doesn't matter what music video you're looking at on YouTube, all of the comments are about how they don't make music like this anymore? Oh, huh. Interesting. I guess I haven't... It literally doesn't matter what genre

it is, what year it's from. Oh, weird. You could watch a video from two years ago. You could watch a Deadmau5 video from whenever Deadmau5 was at its commercial peak, three years ago maybe. And all the comments will just be, man, now this is music. They don't make music like this anymore. You know, it's so weird. That's such an odd argument. It's because they do.

They make all the kinds of music now. I mean, I think our thing is like – Yeah, they totally do. You know, what gets played on the radio is vastly different than what was played on the radio, you know, when we were kids. And, yeah, certainly there's no like – Yeah, somehow now the only thing that's on the radio is ace of bass songs yeah exactly it's but i mean if you like if you were a green day fan you can you can find you can find so many 18 and 19 year old kids who are playing

music that sounds exactly like green day yeah like we had it just doesn't it doesn't make it onto the radio in any significant way. Exactly. When we were in Philadelphia doing Bullseye, we had a band on the show called Sprainard. And they make music that is, these are young guys. They're in their mid-20s, I would guess. They make music that is very much in the Green Day mold, classic pop punk. And honestly, I thought they were great. I thought they were really great.

They have really kind of smart, deep-hearted songs with beautiful melodies and a lot of super energy that you get from a great pop punk band. And yeah, they're just one of the 20 billion genres of music being perfectly replicated. Sure, yeah. Yeah, they do make all the kinds of music. Yeah.

You know, it's something, not to get too deep into this weird, dumb process that my job consists of, but I think when we started doing the show, we paid a lot of attention to what things, like what was said in the comments of something or what like the Twitter reaction to something was. And it just got so exhausting and pointless. Like comment monitoring or looking for the perfect comment.

Like occasionally you'll get someone who will say this is worse than a million 9-11s or something like that but i mean that's the only interesting thing that can happen in a comment section you know uh so yeah so that's that's funny that you mentioned that that comment trend because i definitely haven't noticed it i i will i like i will watch a youtube video for like an example would be Bobby Caldwell. Bobby Caldwell, probably best known for his hit, What I Would Do for Love. Can you hum a few bars? What I would do for love, I just can't let it go. Great. Is best known probably now for being the hook, having been sampled by, I think, J.D. produced the hook for Common's song, The Light. Sure.

And that was Common's biggest hit, probably. And he's fine. He's a light R&B, blue-eyed soul singer from, like, 1980. Not the high point. I mean, maybe the high point of the genre of light R&B, but not the high point of soul music or R&B music. And he's fine. Talented

guy. You know, fine. Fine. It's a good song. Why don't they make music like this anymore? I don't know. This is the least distinctive music anyone's ever made. What qualities about this can you not find? Look, I'm a guy who likes Hall & Oates.

I'm not going to go around criticizing you for liking this type of music. I also like this type of music. You know what I mean? I listen to the stylistics most of the time. You know what I mean? Sure. Sometimes I listen to the spinners. Sometimes I listen to the Shy Lights.

But mostly I'm listening to kind of like sweet, light R&B, right? Yeah, yeah. But why don't they make music like this anymore? This is barely even a hit record that we're listening to. It's not like it's a momentous record. Sure. Yeah. And that's so interesting.

It doesn't matter what it is. Tina Marie song. Square Biz by Tina Marie. I've got a brand new pair of roller skates. Yeah, exactly. How much is that doggy in the window? But to be fair, I guess there aren't a lot of songs these days where a roller skate and roller skate key are a sexual metaphor. That's a good point.

So maybe they don't make music like that anymore. Bounce Rock Roller Skate by Lakeside. Oh, yeah. No, there you go. Is that by Lakeside? God damn it. If it's not by Lakeside, tweet at Ted Cruz and let him know. Don't tell me. Do you think that are and I know you have a hard time, you know, like commenting on politics because you are a journalist and right. I'm a national public radio journalist. Yeah. And therefore, you know, legally can't but also just by your nature can't have an opinion on politics. Sure. But, you know, our – Because I'm naturally wishy-washy? Right. Indecisive?

Yes. You were born on a fence, you'll die on a fence. Yep. You know, our, you know, now time-honored tradition of tweeting all corrections to at Ted Cruz, I think, suggested by Erin Gibson. I don't think we give her enough credit for that yeah that was her idea that was Aaron's idea and it's one of the funniest town most talented people we we have co-opted it and

you know are now using it to make cash hand over fist sure I mean we are getting none we are getting very rich and is she making any money from her hit show throwing shade no is she getting money from the TV pilot she's making of Throwing Shade next week? Almost certainly not.

Sure. Yeah. But do you think that our – us having our followers tweet to Ted Cruz is the reason that he is that the kind of – the Donald Trump moment is passing. I think we – the more we hear him talk, the more people realize that he has to say to get headlines and then people are turning to Ted Cruz as the kind of, you know, person with that perspective but that also is an experienced politician. But do you think that another part of that is that we have been buzz marketing him so efficiently lately? Here's something that I have to say about Ted Cruz. I'm not going to speak to his politics or his personality. Sure.

You have no opinion on either. No, I do have a position on one thing about Ted Cruz and it's something that's very deeply personal. Sure. I think that one of the most hurtful things that random people will say about me on the internet

is that I am punchable. You know, they'll say I'm smug and insufferable. Sure. And punchable and specifically that I have a punchable face. Mm-hmm. Which is why it's so difficult for me to wrestle with the astonishingly high punchability of Ted Cruz's face. Sure. And the fact that I think that in part I find it punchable because he looks like me.

Oh, so you think this might be a, you know, there but for the grace of God go I. I think it's like looking into a broken mirror and I want to punch myself. So Ted Cruz reflects back the thing at you. Yeah. Hmm. Do you think you have Ted Cruz-like qualities? Well, I mean, I'm a strict constructionist. Sure.

There's no doubt about that. I want the Constitution to be implemented as the founders specifically described. I'm a member of a well-regulated militia um my parents are of questionable citizenship i was born in canada sure secret canadian um i've had a lot of money troubles. Wait, that's Marco Rubio. And I was mayor of Baltimore, which is Martin O'Malley. Oh, great. Yeah. So, yes, then.

Should we? How about this? Okay. Can I suggest this? I don't think we're going to get to the bottom of my existential crisis over people saying Ted Cruz is punchable, me kind of agreeing with them, but then thinking that the same thing that's punchable about Ted Cruz is something that I hate in myself. And also that probably those people who want to punch Ted Cruz or punch me, it's not about me or Ted Cruz. It's about something within them. So my therapist says anyway. Wow.

So that's something that we're not going to be able to untangle right here. That's a deep well. Right now. But I think we probably can address the question of both the scientific basis of your theory that it may be Ted Cruz's surge is due to people tweeting at Ted Cruz from Jordan Jesse Go. Mm-hmm. And I'm not Nate Silver. Sure. Hell, I'm not even Jonah Carey.

Sure. I'm not Nate Silver. Hell, I'm not even Jonah Carey. Sure. I'm not Christina Carl. I'm not any of these people whose work I used to read in baseball nerd website Baseball Prospectus in 2001, who later went on to some greater renown. I would suggest this. this. It's both a controlled experiment, perfectly controlled, and absolutely, clearly will demonstrate truth with a capital T. And also a way to take care of my responsibilities as an NPR journalist. Maybe from now on, we can have people tweet corrections about Jordan Jesse Go at former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O'Malley. Okay. And Ted Cruz?

No, just Martin O'Malley. So we've seen. We've seen what it can do for Cruz. We've seen what it can do for Cruz. Now we will learn if O'Malley surges, we will know that it was those tweets that led to his surge. Oh, I like this. If he doesn't surge, then we will know that it only works for conservative Republicans or people who look sort of like Jesse.

So here's how we deal with that. Then we have people tweet at Boy George from Culture Club. Okay. If he surges in the polls. So far this makes perfect sense, by the Okay. If he surges in the polls. So far this makes perfect sense, by the way. If he surges in the polls. We'll know that the sole reason for a poll surge is people directing their Jordan Jesse Go fans. Sure.

Tweeting at someone who's a public figure who looks a little bit like me. Yeah, I think that's a great. So, I mean, I guess so. So from this episode on until we say otherwise. Right. Corrections are not to be tweeted at Martin O'Malley. Right. So should we just say a couple of things for people to correct us on? I mean, I know we had a long, you know, pop culture discussion earlier and there was probably some errors in that. But, you know, just to just to kick this off, do we just want to do a couple of things? Well, I think I already mentioned that Zach DeLaRocca apologized for Rage Against the Machine. Turns out it was their bassist, and he's the soy bomb guy. Oh, okay. So I feel like there's a lot of fertile stuff to be.

Was Billy Preston ever even in Ringo Starr's all-star band? I don't know. Sure. You know? Okay, I'll just start. Final Fantasy III in America was Final Fantasy III in Japan. Oh, wow. Sure.

That's going to get some corrections going. Yeah. So why don't we just start it off. Martin O'Malley can just let him know how you feel about that statement I just made, which I believe to be true. Can I give you another one? Supergirl is Superman's wife. Great.

Love it. Yeah. Okay. So we'll see. I think that's a solid foundation of things that we believe to be true. Yeah. But, you know, want to hear from people about. I'm pretty sure they're true.

They're true. Yeah true yeah supergirl is superman's wife right and final fantasy 3 in america was final fantasy 3 in japan superdog is their baby crypto crypto the superdog yeah yeah oh shit i should have left that yeah i should have left that for a correction oh well i'm sorry yeah klepto the superdog is there there you go that's their baby klepto the superdog we their baby. There you go. That's their baby, Klepto the Superdog. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, up on the Jumbotron this week, our friends at VG Kids. Yeah, they are offering listeners a 10% discount on their order if they mention

the show slash discount. Just go to vgkids.com if you want basically anything printed. They print our t-shirts here at MaxFunHQ. They do a great job there. Some really nice punk rockers out of the great state of Michigan. They got rock posters,

art prints, wedding invites, custom apparel. They've got specialty inks that are eco-friendly. And they can do record packaging, vinyl stickers, all sorts of good stuff. They design stuff to do fulfillment. VGKids.com. If you need somebody to make stickers for your band or whatever, you really couldn't do better than VGKids. They're really great. Just a small correction.

The record packaging is what is eco-friendly. I don't know if the inks are. I imagine they wouldn't use an ink that was, you know, especially harmful to the environment. They make those out of CFCs, chlorofluorocarbons. They're not squeezing it right out of the squid. No, no, no, no. They make it specifically from 80s hairspray. So eco-friendly record packaging at VGKids.com.

Right, but the ink is not eco-friendly. Let's be clear. The ink is made of a combination of 80s Hairspray, Mercury, and DDT. Sure, and ink forcefully squeezed from the squid against its will. Right. Without its consent.

And they are not unsustainable squid. Mm-hmm. They're like, you know- Rare squid. they're unsustainable squid. Mm-hmm. They're like, you know- Rare squid. They're very, extremely rare squid. I mean, we're talking about upside-down airplane postage stamp level of rarity. You know that famous upside-down airplane postage stamp? Oh, yeah.

It's a very valuable stamp. The post office made those again. You can get upside down plain stamps. That's like a fun reference for all your philatelist friends. Mail them a letter with the upside down stamp. You know what? A lot of people talk a lot of shit about the United States Postal Service. Oh, and you think they're wrong.

Let's hear it. I just love the Postal Service. Me too. I love – yeah, I just love the postal service. Me too. I love, yeah, I still do all my bills through the mail, and I think that's partially because I like writing a thing, putting it in an envelope, and then walking to the mailbox. And then knowing that it's going to go there because you put 35 cents or 42 cents or whatever it is. Yeah.

Postage can go up at the rate it is going up. It'll still be amazing and worth it. Yeah. Who cares if it's 50 cents? That's amazing. Yeah. They come right to your house. Yeah.

It's not even like they bring it to a place nearby you and you got to go get it from there. Sure. They bring it right up to your door. Maybe if you live in some sort of rural area or something. But if you live in a sensible place like us, it comes right to your door. Sensible if you live in a good place like us. Sure, yeah. Rural people are bad. Yeah, we're good. Excuse me.

I misspoke. Please tweet corrections at Martin O'Malley. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Imagine that those who are listening to it are having a great time. You know those people who write us a note sometimes and say, why don't you do more shows just by yourselves? And we say because anytime we do a show by ourselves, it has no content. It's just an insane series of kind of fantastical scenarios. Sure.

Each of which grows out of the previous one, becoming sequentially more insane and essentially devolving into a long series of non sequiturs. I kind of consider this episode to be proof positive of that. It's pretty convincing evidence of why we don't do that and also why we enjoy. Sure. Yeah. Enjoy. When something momentous happens to you, like your dream of having a just Jesse and Jordan, Jordan-Jesse go, finally comes true, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN,

206-984-4FUN, for our beloved signature segment, Momentous Occasions. Brian Fernandez laughing in the background. Please, play our first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Amelia from Denver, Colorado. I was just driving home from work down a street that's notorious for having a lot of Hispanic grocery stores, and I flipped to my right, and where the chili salesmen normally are, I see some unusual movement.

And there is a carousel, probably less than eight feet in diameter, with five tiny Shetland ponies walking around in a circle with little kids riding on them and waving to the cars. And it was one of those things where I wasn't sure if I hallucinated it or not. But I thought it was awesome. And I thought I would share it

with you guys. So, love the show. Thanks a lot. Bye. Can I ask you a question, Jordan? Please. You live in Los Angeles, love the show. Thanks a lot. Bye. Can I ask you a question, Jordan? Please. You live in Los Angeles, right? Sure. City with a significant Latino population.

Plenty of grocery stores specializing in goods of interest to people who represent immigrant groups from Mexico, Central, and South America, right? Mm-hmm. Where are the chili salesmen?

What is a chili salesman? I mean, I guess someone who sells. What was weird about that? Just a guy who, I mean, I guess I'm picturing this is maybe more of a farmer's market type thing where there's stalls. Are we talking about someone selling chilies? Or someone selling? Or a Chilean salesman? Or someone selling chili, the stew?

Oh, yeah. Is it inside the grocery store out front? Yeah. I think I was picturing this is more of a farmer's market type situation. Okay. But maybe I was wrong. But she said grocery store, didn't she? Oh, maybe she did.

I don't know. I like to imagine I go into El Superior, the famous grocery store near my home, famous, of course, for having been mentioned on this marginal podcast recently. Not even recently. Years ago. And, you know,

there's a, you got your section with your different kinds of bananas. Yep. You got your machos. You got your minis. Mm-hmm.

And you got your standard. And then you got your jicamas. Mm-hmm. You got your tiny limes. Yeah. And then there's a chili area. Maybe it's got some fresh and dried chilies,

but the chili area has been replaced by some Shetland ponies. They're in the store. Yeah, I mean, that'd be great. I mean, I guess you can't use those, you know, in your cooking. Although I bet if you chopped up some little bits of Shetland pony and added it to whatever you're making, you'd get a little heat off that. Yeah, I think so. They're a hot animal.

Well, I think it depends on the pony's diet. Sure. Hopefully they were eating chilies. Right. So then you could still get some of that chili character that you liked so much, but, you know, weren't able to get because they've been replaced by ponies. Hopefully, you know, once you brought the pony home, you know, killed it, butchered Mm-hmm. crockpot with your carnitas or something like that. Mincemeat pie. Yeah, mincemeat pie. Hopefully it would add some of that kick. Yeah.

Some of that hoo-ah, some of that kick you're looking for. A little zing? Yeah, a little zing. Roll Tide, hoo-ah. Hook them horns. Hook them horns, hoo-ah. That's some pony. On to victory, strike up the band.

Hoo, Shetland, hoo-ah. That's a Shetland. That's a Shetland. That's my new character. Celebrity chef that chops up pony. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Interesting.

I saw, speaking of odd livestock, livestock? Livestock. Live aid. Speaking of live aid. Livestock? Livestock. Live aid. Speaking of live aid, speaking about livestock, I was driving today and saw a truck pulling a trailer filled with mostly goats and one sheep. So this is this huge collection of goats in this trailer. And in the middle is just one sheep that was not a goat. Can I guess how that woolly white ball in the middle looked? Sure. Sheepish?

Probably looked a little bit sheepish. Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, I think it's like, you know, people talk a lot about diversity in Hollywood. Right. Diversifying, you know, writers rooms and, you know, casts of movies and stuff like that. I mean,

I think it's great that that value of, you know, have getting in all the voices has also been transferred to herds of goats. Yeah. Like let's get a sheep's perspective on, on, should I eat this can? How,

how would a sheep go about this? How do we talk to the sheep in the audience about whether or not we should eat a can? Can I tell you about an animal I saw today? Sure. While we're on this subject. Sure. I attended the Los Angeles Zoo to go meet Santa. That's my new, that's where my family goes to meet Santa.

I don't know how we fell upon meeting Santa at the zoo. Is this a real beard Santa? Yeah, absolutely. He was a great Santa. He was a really solid Santa. Okay. You could really do a lot worse than Santa at the zoo. Now, did one of my children look stricken and the other one immediately start bawling?

Yes. But he did a really nice, he was a very nice santa um while i was at the zoo i saw an animal called a tasmanian devil this is a great animal yeah it's like a pointy head on t-shirts is he always sagging his pants he looks like a pig with pointy nose. He's wearing a Raiders jersey. He looks like, no, sir. He looks like a pointy-nosed pig, and he's always surrounded by a tiny tornado.

No. No, he's like a pointy-nosed pig with a fat, stumpy, pointy tail. It is amazing how the cartoon Tasmanian Devil, how little it looks like what it actually is. Right. It looks a lot more like the movie Twister. So if that character was named the movie Twister with Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton, send your corrections to at Martin O'Malley, then it would make a lot more sense. Anyway, I just had never seen a Tasmanian devil before. It's pretty good.

All I want in the world is a pet Tasmanian devil. Oh, I mean, aren't you worried that they're fierce? They are fierce. That's why I don't have, well, I mean, I'm not in that income bracket. No, yeah, you're not making Tasmanian devil money. Importing marsupials. No. I don't even know if it is a marsupial.

Probably not. Send your corrections to at Martin O'Malley. Sure, yeah. It seems like something that would be a marsupial. It seems like, I mean, it's Australian, right? Like that's its native habitat? Tasmania. Specifically the island of Tasmania.

Oh, okay. Which is part of Australia. Okay. Send your corrections to at Martin O'Malley in case it's part of New Zealand. So it would seem like it would be a pouchy animal. Yeah, it seems like it would be pouchful. animal. Yeah, it seems like it would be pouchful. Yeah. Have a pouch.

Having of a pouch. Regular Big League Chew type situation. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Get a handful of gum from inside a Tasmanian devil. Big League Chew is a children's chewing gum made to resemble chewing tobacco. Sure. Let's take our next call.

Hello, Jordan, Jesse, guests and listeners. This is Gordon from San Luis Obispo, California. I'm at a gas station, and across the pump from me, there's a very well-dressed gentleman, sort of like Rob Corddry, in business attire,

and a very nice Cadillac modern sedan. And he has an iPhone rubber-banded to his face. Big old rubber bands you get on, like on lettuce and stuff, the blue ones. I just sort of admire his rugged pragmatism. So yeah, I'm going to sing the outro like you guys requested a few months ago. He didn't really sing it. No, I mean, he kind of, you know, he talk sanged it.

What is this guy? I think he is Rex Harrison. Yeah, right? Come on. Who are you? Rob Schneider. Who's the guy from V-52s? Fred Schneider. Yeah.

What are you, Professor Harold Hill? Yeah, come on. Interesting. Do you think that this could be a situation where the guy got, you know, got punched in the face, got a real dinger, a real dinger, and he didn't have the steak around. Right. But he needed something to reduce the swelling. Right. So he just rubber banded an iPhone on there.

That seems like the most likely answer. It is the steak of phones. I can text Rob Corddry and ask him why he did this. Yeah, why were you in San Luis Obispo at a gas station with an iPhone rubber banded to your head? Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, maybe he was filming something. Maybe it was like some sort of found footage movie and they were trying to get it.

Hot Tub Time Machine 3? Could be. Seems like a fun goof they would have in the HTTM universe. One of the gags is that in the future, instead of using steaks, we use iPhones to bring down swelling. Sure. Makes me laugh. I'm laughing.

Yeah. I mean, if you imagine Craig Robinson doing it. Yeah. It's pretty funny. Because he's going to sell it. Yeah. He's going to sell the shit out of it. He's going to sell it.

Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. Let's take our next call. Hi, this is Megan from New Mexico. And it is, well, it is now 941 here. And I just woke up on a Sunday morning from a dream. I guess this qualifies as a momentous occasion, a threesome dream involving Jordan and Jesse.

Yeah. My husband's saying moment of shame. I think he's wrong. Fuck that guy. Yeah. And there was a suggestion that they were so comfortable around one another that this was definitely not the first time

that this has happened, so I don't know what the deal was there in Dreamland, but yeah, that's how I woke up this Sunday. So thanks. Bye. Thank you, Megan. Thank you, Megan, and let me get a hearty fuck you to your husband. Yeah, go. I just want to say, fuck this guy. He doesn't deserve you.

No. He probably doesn't tend to your needs like we would. How did you even end up married to this asshole? I mean, did you lose a bet after a green card or something? Did you just wake up one morning after a bender and you're like, oh, shit, I married an asshole? You're like, oh, shit, I married an asshole. If this guy thinks it's shameful to have two of the most prominent men in podcasting. Two of the most prominent men in podcasting and human sexuality.

Yeah. Tending to your needs. Legendarily sensitive and and tend to full lovers. Sure. To two sex positive studs yeah of some renown sure going to town creators of all your holes i don't have why would anyone be ashamed of that i mean i listen if i okay can i put can I put it this way? Please. Let's just say I was an admissions officer at Harvard University. For instance.

The prestigious Harvard University. The gray lady. Harvard. Yeah. Okay. Old man Harvard on the Mississippi. Home of the yard. Sure.

Okay. Let's say I was an admissions officer at Harvard University. One of the questions on this year's Harvard University application is, what is your greatest dream? Okay. Someone writes a beautiful essay about getting double teamed by their favorite podcasters, Jesse and Jordan. What would I do? I would pick up that stamp that says A-D-M-I-T. Clonk, clonk, you're in.

I don't even look at the extracurriculars. I don't even look at the extracurriculars. You could have no extracurriculars. Are you a drug addict? Doesn't matter. Your only extracurricular could be Nazi youth. And I'm still going chunk, chunk. Admit.

Harvard University, home of the yard. Park your car right here at Harvard in our famous yard. You're in because you've got great dreams. Great dreams. The dreamers. You've heard of the dreamers? Sure. These are young people brought to the United States by their immigrant parents as young

children who went on to serve in our military or go to college, but nonetheless cannot get citizenship. They're the beautiful anchors that are getting their parents free Obamacare. And we thank them for that. Where do they get the name Dreamers? Because they've dreamed about making love to prominent podcasters, two of them simultaneously. And it's me and it's Jordan. Those are the two.

And we're both doing it to them in all of their holes. I don't, I mean, listen. If there's kids involved, I don't want to break this home. Right. We're not housebreakers. That's the last thing I want. We're neither housebreakers nor kitty fuckers. Sure. But, I'm just saying. Depending on how

the kids are involved. Maybe it's better to get the kids out of that situation. Right. Obviously, you know, nobody wants to. Right. You know, nobody wants to, you know. Oh, you're talking about in Megan's family, not the sexual situation between us and various. Because it's obviously better to get the kids out of that situation.

Yeah, absolutely. Send them to grandma's house before we all bone down. Kids don't need to see their mom getting railed in all her holes. Wait, you wait, you know, you wait till they're mature enough to have that discussion. Right. But, I mean, it just seems like the situation she's in right now. Or dad or parent. Or dad, sure.

The situation that she is in right now. Right. Is borderline abusive. Right. To where her husband, I mean, you know, maybe he's never laid a hand on her physically. Right. But, I mean. I mean, we can't assume that, but that's—

Yeah, I mean, he may be— We don't have any evidence one way. Yeah, sure. We have some evidence, which is that he's emotionally abusive. Right. I mean, I'll just take her at her word when she says the reason she had an iPhone taped to her face was because she fell down the stairs. Right. But, I mean, I think it's best that she's definitely in an emotionally abusive situation.

There's no doubt about that. So— We heard it. We literally heard— I mean, I think it's best that she's definitely in an emotionally abusive situation. There's no doubt about that. So. We heard it. We literally heard. He was trying to make her feel ashamed for wanting something that is beautiful like a dance. When I became a psychiatrist, I signed a piece of paper that said that if I heard evidence of emotional abuse within a marriage, I would podcast about it. And that's what I'm doing right now. I am speaking my truth. I hear a woman who's being abused by her husband, a woman who has beautiful dreams, like a butterfly

landing on a cornflower. Okay? Yeah. And it's licking up the corn juices while someone is tending to its anus. Like that. That's what the butterfly sounds like. And the anus tender also sounds like that. Right.

They both sound like that. So what we're saying, Megan. She's having a beautiful dream. And he's accusing her of engaging in some kind of shameful act? No. Maybe he's ashamed of his body. Yeah. She has no need to be.

Megan, you have a beautiful body. Yeah. I mean, you're a real woman. And real women have curves. You're not one of these airbrushed... Nope. ...silicon... Hashtag......catalog models. Hashtag Dove Soap. And real women have curves. You're not one of these airbrushed. Nope. Silicon. Hashtag.

Catalog models. Hashtag dove soap. Dove cares. Hashtag anal dending. Here's the real question. We just wanted just a special thank you to everyone at Dove. The real question is. Who made this podcast possible.

The real question, Jordan, is in Megan's dream, could you hear Brian laughing outside the booth? I should hope Brian would be more respectful than that. I mean, if we were trying to make jokes, he should laugh. But I mean, I think in that situation, we would be very focused on Megan's needs. I mean, maybe if her need was to laugh while getting all her nasty holes filled. I mean, we could provide that, but it's not par for the course is what I'm saying. All her holes nasty and otherwise. Sure. Yeah. I mean, granted, as in the classic acronym for the cardinal directions created by my fourth grade classmate, nasty ears spill wax.

And certainly we're doing a tour in her ear hole, parliament style. Sure. But we're also doing a tour in her clean and beautiful holes. Sure. That can create life and poop. Yeah. You know what? A lot of people think puss life and poop. Yeah. You know what? A lot of people think pussies are weak.

Yeah. Probably Megan's husband is one of these guys who goes around calling people pussies like it's pejorative. I know that pussies are strong. They're strong. They're powerful. They create life. They're flexible. Mm-hmm.

And they can come back from anything, even being— Tommy John surgery. Well, yeah, I was going to say being held down by an abusive husband. What are we talking about? Having Tommy John surgery on your pussy. Okay. The way they replace the ligaments from the pussy on the other side. They take the ligament out of the other pussy and put it into that pussy.

And actually, what's impressive about having Tommy John surgery on your pussy is after a lengthy rehabilitation period of about 18 months, a lot of pussies actually have a faster fastball. It's kind of amazing. Sure. It's really kind of amazing. Megan, thank you for sharing your dreams with us. We believe in your dreams. If you need some place to stay while you leave your husband. After you get rid of your husband.

While the paperwork goes through. Yeah. You know where to find us. I got a crash pad in Albuquerque. Sure. You know, I go out there sometimes for the hot air balloon festival. Yeah, just to think about shit. You know, just get a taste of the old...

That's the sound of a fire underneath a hot air balloon making it take off. Sure. If you were a balloonist, you would know about that. Or a philatelist. Sure. Again, you got to find your niche you've got to find your niche. You've got to find that niche. Thank God there wasn't anybody else here.

They probably would have just tried to make that last 10 minutes make sense. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I guess what I want to say is... We're wrapping it up.

It's time for some closing thoughts. Yeah. I mean, more than anything else, you know, I have a reputation for being wishy-washy. Sure. But I think I also have a reputation for being gracious. Mm-hmm. And so right now, I want to demonstrate that that reputation is earned by saying, Jordan, Jesse, go listener.

You're welcome. Yeah. We hear your thanks. Mm-hmm. We know you want to thank us. Yep. And we're just saying we hear that. Yep. And we hear your thanks. We know you want to thank us. Yep. And we're just saying we hear that. Yep.

And we appreciate it. If you want to send money or gifts or whatever, we'll take it. Right. But we hear you and we acknowledge it. Yeah. We're here for you. We've gotten a lot of letters here at MaxFun HQ over the past few years that said, Jesse, dear Jesse and Jordan, I love your podcast.

I love your appearances in my fuck dreams. My only concern is this. Your show is too focused. Sure. It makes too much sense. It's too coherent. I think the problem is the guests that you're bringing in. Sure. It makes too much sense. It's too coherent. I think the problem is the guests that you're bringing in. Sure.

Could you record more shows, and I'm just reading directly from one of these letters now. mostly involve insane fantastical scenarios, which themselves are extensions of other fantastical scenarios, until the point that, like a Xerox of a Xerox, the original pattern is completely incomprehensible. It's simply television static or digital noise. Well, to you, Jordan Jesse Go listeners, and literally thousands of people have sent me this same letter. I think they got it from moveon.org. I say you're welcome.

There you go. Take this into the new year with you. Let it power you. Let it power you into 2016. Let it help you with that resolution. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's to lose weight. Maybe it's to start a healthy relationship.

It's 1028 by 724. Whatever your resolution is. Sure, yeah. Let this help you. Let this be like a rocket that you attach to your back and blast through 2016 with just a new zeal, a new joie de vivre. You know what I mean? In 2016, every time you wish you could reach for a shredded tobacco product, may you find a grape-flavored bubble gum instead. Sure. May you reach into the nearest Tasmanian devil and grab a big handful of gum.

Yeah. Delicious gum. I would love to have some of that gum fill in my holes right now. That would be so nice, to have all our holes filled by gum. Yeah. Purple, big league chew. Probably my favorite type. How many types were there? There was purple, there was pink.

Was there a green apple too? Yeah, there was green apple. And I think there was a cherry flavor. I think there was bubble gum flavor and like a cherry or strawberry flavor. Okay. And each one, they never like had actual baseball players on it, right? It was always just these cartoon muscle men. I believe it was invented by baseball player Jim Boughton.

Mm. But he wasn't on the package. No, it was just a cartoon muscle man. Hmm. Basically like a child's drawing of Jose Canseco was what was on the package there. Sure. By my calculations. Or one of Jose Canseco's self-portraits.

You got it. That's how Jose Canseco sees himself. portraits. You got it. That's how Jose Canseco sees himself. One of those. One of the self-portraits that Jose Canseco has been making since he finished up his time in office. Right. Yeah. Who does a better job?

George W. Bush or Jose Canseco of drawing himself? Yeah. Hard to say. It's hard to say. If this is your first Jordan Jesse Go that you've ever listened to. It's hard to say. If this is your first Jordan Jesse Go that you've ever listened to. It should not have been. Right. There's others.

Many others. And I guess my message to the first time Jordan Jesse Go listener who's listening to this episode is this. We're about an hour and 20 minutes into the show. If you're still listening this is your favorite podcast ever like i can think of no other reason than perfect compatibility right that you would have made it all of my finally all of my interests yeah some some guys who think like me you say hey maybe we can use this moment to encourage, you know, people out there who love the show but, you know, maybe don't talk about it with friends or on social media to, you know, just get on there. You know, get on Twitter, Tumblr, Vine, Instagram.

Snapchat. Periscope. Snapchat. WhatsApp. WhatsApp. What's happening? Friendster. Friendope. Snapchat. WhatsApp. WhatsApp. What's happening? Friendster. Friendster.

LinkedIn. And recommend a different episode of the show. Right. Maybe when the birthday boys were on. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. That was a lot of fun. The birthday boys are always fun. Let's get, yeah.

Maybe one of the ones with Nick Adams. Everybody always loves a good Nick Adams episode. There you go. Let's get one of those Nick Adams episodes trending. Yeah. Get it on the side of your Facebook like it was new trailer for Final Fantasy 7 remake.

Maybe we should have people suggest an episode of Jordan Jesse go to Martin O'Malley. I think that would be great. Let's, you know, let's get that going. I like that. Here we go. What presidential dark horse Martin O'Malley. Yeah. Tell him what. Former mayor of Baltimore. If he was going to start

listening to the show, which episode? Is it the Birthday Boys? Is it Nick Adams? Yeah. Who knows? Tweet at Adam and hashtag it JJ Go.

Mm-hmm. We'll see which one he responds to. Yeah. He probably checks his own Twitter messages, right? Can't imagine he doesn't. What else has he got to do

playing in that band? Yeah, you're right. Irish rock band. Yeah, he's got to play Taylor Swift songs on The View or something. Yeah. His band opened for the Pogues. Like, really? Or?

No, like before he was, I don't know. That's a good question. It might have been a fake thing. But I remember that being part of the profile I read and going, oh, huh, that's interesting. Anyway. I mean, my friend Sayer opened for hieroglyphics in Santa Cruz once. So maybe he should be president. Yeah.

I'd vote for him for president. I think he's a beer podcaster now. That's pretty good. Yeah, he's a nice guy. That's a fun platform to run on. Sure. Real political outsider. Yeah.

What's Donald Trump's beer podcast like? It's probably not very good. No, it's probably a little solipsistic. Yeah, sure. And he's always talking about hopsy beers. It's too hopsy. Yeah. What about a nice, hey, Donald Trump?

Two things. Yeah. You know, maybe don't be so tough on immigrants. Yeah. Looking to come to this country. Right. And two, what's a good easy drinking beer yeah when you're not looking for a you know complex bouquet to have with your skirt steak what about something that may be a little

citrusy yeah what's just something i can what's just something i can sip in the backyard with some buds right have a nice time right not looking for something complex that sits in your stomach. Answer us that, Donald Trump's Beer Podcast. Yeah, Donald Trump's Beer Podcast. That does not exist. Our show is produced by Brian Fernandez, Sonny D, laughing outside the booth. You can join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can tweet at us. Idit at maximumfun.reddit.com you can tweet at us I'm at martinomalley

Jordan is at martinomalley on twitter use the hashtag JJGO and we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned

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