Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 408: Second Lunchbox Theory with Gene O'Neill

Episode Date: December 21, 2015

Big Time Gene O'Neill joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the golden age of hilarious basketball player commercials, Ted Cruz meme culture, and Jordan's secret santa experiences.  Plus Jesse is a Work-A-Day Goth, Jordan gets a dick shvitz, and Traitor Joe comes up. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles, it's the holiday season, Jordan, I don't know if you knew that. I, you know, I could feel something in the air, and I was wondering what it was. Oh, it's allspice. Oh, yeah, there you go.

And related to that, it's the holiday season. A little bit of clove. Oh, okay. And some clove cigarettes. I've been smoking clove cigarettes. Oh, are you turning goth? Yeah, I'm turning goth in 1997. Oh, cool.

That's great. I've been listening to a lot of Skinny Puppy. You don't look goth, but are you just kind of starting with the accoutrements uh you know it's the weekend so monday i'm a monday through friday goth okay have you heard about that workaday goth no i've not heard about workaday goth yeah so monday through friday i think a lot about death wear the eyeliner wear all black i've got a sort of like a fright wig sort sort of like I'm in the Smiths or whatever. The cure, I should say. And it's really cool.

I mean, it's really given me a whole new perspective about sort of the relationship between living and dying. Sure. Like I used to fear death, but now I see the beauty in it. Yeah. Would you say you exist in a space between? Yeah, I think so. Cool.

Monday through Friday. Monday through Friday. You exist in a world between living and death. Right. And then on the weekends, it's more of like a millennium kind of thing. So it's like Miami. Sure. White linen. Parties, white linen. Yeah. I kind of let. So it's like Miami. Sure, white linen. Parties, white linen.

Yeah. I kind of let it all hang out. I'd smoke a Cubano. And I'd get on DJ Khaled's jet ski and head over to Rick Ross's house. That kind of thing. Well, this sounds like an amazing lifestyle. It is.

It's great because it's, you know what I call it, the best of both worlds. I named it after the Jay-Z R. Kelly album. Well, terrific. Yeah. And so, you know, now you're in, we record these on the weekends, so now you're in Miami mode. Right, exactly. So that's why, if you're wondering why I was wearing a guayabera, it's because I'm in Miami mode.

I'm also having this virgin mojito. Is that why Pitbull is also here? yeah Pitbull is here too and I have asked Pitbull not to talk yeah he's a I think we can all agree

he's a great musician sure a gifted musician sure one of the best rappers in the world of course no argument here

he's gorgeous to look at he's a very handsome man funny too and asked to do a little comedy yeah but I don't want to hear I don't want to hear his opinions. Yeah. You know, I don't think anyone wants.

So I said, Pitbull, yes, you can come. No, please don't go on mic. Our guest this week is big-time Gene O'Neill. Right, yeah. You know what I mean? We have priorities here. Sure. Our friend Gene from college is coming in.

And we need you to go over there. And actually, what was nice is Gloria Estefan was already coming in this week. That's good. So they can go over there, talk about Miami stuff, sound machines. Sure. The whole thing. Plantains. Yeah, sure.

Are we racist against Miami? I don't know. There was that one time that I went to Miami and then I talked about how I saw that dead dog. Yeah, well, I guess so. It's just a cock walking on top of a dead dog's carcass on the street in Miami. Well, it's a good thing we don't have any listeners in Miami because they're too busy shaking their butts to listen to podcasts. Yeah, that's a good point. Pushing up the sleeves of their sport coats.

Because if you, I mean, there's nowhere to put, I mean, if you have earbuds in and you shake your butt at a certain level, you're going to shake them right out. Oh, yeah. And I think the degree to which people in Miami are constantly shaking their butts makes it impossible to listen to a podcast. Yeah. I think that's true. So I think we're safe making fun of it is what I'm saying.

Yeah. I think that makes a lot of sense, Jordan. Mm-hmm. I'm glad that you clarified that's true. So I think we're safe making fun of it is what I'm saying. Yeah. I think that makes a lot of sense, Jordan. Mm-hmm. I'm glad that you clarified that for us. No problem. Should we bring Gene into the mix here? I'd love to. You know him as the one-time co-host of The Sound of Young America with me and Jordan.

He's one of Jordan Jesse Goh's most beloved regular guests on the show. He's a holiday favorite. Mm-hmm. Certainly. Screenwriter, entertainment worker. regular guests on the show. He's a holiday favorite, certainly. Screenwriter, entertainment worker. Big time Gene O'Neill. Hey, thanks guys for welcoming me to your Miami Beach

dreamscape. You're welcome. We're calling it Miami from now on. Have a smoothie. It's got guayaba. It's tasty. Tropical smoothie. How are you, Gene? Yeah, you know. Sure.

About as good as I could be. Yeah, sure, Gene. Well, you're here with us, huh? Yeah. Got on a nice shirt. Is that snowflakes? No, but it kind of sort of bespeaks winter a little bit. It suggests a certain crisp air.

Yeah, it's like an L.A. sort of, I think, festive, winter festive shirt. Or in this case, a Miami winter festive shirt. Or in this case, Miami. Sorry, I forgot. We're recording from Miami. Yeah, from Will Smith's house. Yeah, I mean, I think we can all agree that Miami is the L.A. of the East. I'm sorry, Miami?

Oh, yeah. What did I say? I couldn't hear you. Oh, sorry. Let me say that again. It just sounded like a series of noises. We all know Miami is the LA of the East. Yeah, that's true.

Have you guys had to do any holiday gift giving yet? Have you guys had to do like a Secret Santa, White Elephant, Yankee Swap, anything like that? So specifically gift games? Yeah, yeah. Complex systems of gift giving and we had to yeah a gift giving that include yeah that has some sort of game or secret element you had to give any kwanzaa gifts that reaffirm reaffirm the values of community was that a crazy question of me to ask this is the time of year when people are doing sure in the, in a large family. I'm a part of a Secret Santa in my wife's family.

Okay. And the big news this year is that the gift limit has been raised to $50. Oh, shit. What was the impetus for that? Is everybody just doing a little better this year? Well, we all realize that we're all adults now. And we realize that the whole point of doing a Secret Santa is so that you can get a nice gift. Like that you're, rather than buying seven terrible gifts, you can buy one nice gift for one person.

It's not to give a nice gift. It's to receive a nice gift. That's what the holidays are all about, Gene. Right. Have you seen the great Christmas films such as Wall Street 2, Money Never Sleeps? That's where I get my Christmas values from. I'm still at the $20 maximum. I feel like the $50 is a little hoity-toity.

What's good at $20? A gift card. A nice gift card. To what? Anywhere. Target? I got, because here's the thing. So my wife's mother's family, my mother-in-law's family, is a large Catholic family who all live in the same place.

And all live in one house. They all live in one house. No, they all live in Marin County. And they all, you know, it's like my mother-in-law has like six siblings or something like that and each of them has a number of kids um like i don't think that they're uh not using birth control but they're respecting the cultural values of catholicism which is to be fruitful and multiply sure and so nobody's yanking it out is what you're saying. Right. And so they have this- As the Pope once said, thou shalt not yank it out.

Yeah. I believe that's correct. Yeah. Finish inside. And so they used to have a Christmas party with like- The Pope makes commandments, right? Yeah. Am I right about that?

I don't know a lot about Catholicism. Yeah. That's how it works since Vatican II. Mm-hmm. And they would have a Christmas party every year with like 50 people. Vatican II, money never sleeps. And everyone would get a gift from my wife's grandparents, including like me. That sounds great. Like I would see my wife's grandparents once every year at this Christmas party and I would

get a Christmas gift from them. And what I would usually get is a $15 Macy's gift card, which is the most frustrating gift to receive in the world. Right. Because it's not enough to buy anything at Macy's. It needs to be $20. It needs to be $20. But even if it was $20, what could I buy?

Yeah, I guess you could buy a... Even one pair of underpants costs $23. Yeah, I guess you could do a pack of socks and then half of a pack of underwear. Yeah, a pack of socks. That's all you can get at Macy's for $15 or $20. And the thing is, it's not even like they're good socks. I mean, it's like Macy's. They're fine.

I guess they're assuming that maybe you're making a big purchase at Macy's and wanting $15 to apply toward that. I would love a pack of socks, personally, right now. I mean, the socks I'm wearing, I think I bought like six years ago. So those socks are a little rough. Treat yourself to some Costco socks, Gene. You have to have a Costco membership for that. You don't have one?

You don't have a buddy with a Costco membership that can slide you in? No. Holler at your boy. Okay. I was just down at the Costco buying some tires the other day. It's been years since I've been to the Costco. Got a full set. Four wheels.

How are the samples? The samples continue to be nice. Samples. Samples continue to be nice. You know, the big downside is these days you can't return electronics to Costco forever, which you used to be able to do. Costco has a permanent return policy. Oh, yeah. They got rid of that?

Yeah. It used to be that people would just buy a TV there and then return it five years later and buy a new TV because TVs get cheaper and cheaper. Wait. Yeah. Wait. So is my TV that I bought from Costco like three years ago, is that grandfathered in? I don't know. You might still be able to return that. What if I buy some food there and I just go back to Costco and say I didn't like it?

Yeah, you can return that. I mean, they're going to ask you to, you know, they'll give you a sick bag or whatever. They're going to make you shit in a bag. Yeah, they want to see the remnants of the food. But, yeah, that's the remnants of the food. But yeah, that's the main difference between Costco then and now, but it's still a pretty enjoyable experience. You get those rotisserie

chickens. You're going to get a lot of tissues. You're going to get plenty of toilet paper. See the desperation of people who will wait like five minutes at a free sample stand. Yeah, a bag of pineapples. Or a bite of a bagel dog. Or a bite of a bagel dog, yeah.

Get yourself a bag of pineapples. Yeah. So what do you – do you want to – I mean, obviously, this is a secret Santa thing that you're involved in right now, but are you – have you made a decision? How – what's going on right now with it? Yeah. So, yeah, there's been a lot of excitement on this front. with it. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, a lot, there's been a lot of excitement on this front. So my mother-in-law is a wonderful woman who, uh, an extension of her, uh, Catholic cultural background is, uh,

self-denial. Uh, so she never does anything nice for herself. And so she came to visit us and used some of my wife's moisturizing lotion and flipped her shit. This was fancy moisturizing lotion that I had bought my wife as a gift. You know, special occasion moisturizing lotion. But my mother-in-law just never used anything other than Eucerin, which there's no problem with Eucerin. That's what I use myself. Eucerin's not bad. That's a quality lotion. But this is a beautiful smelling, beautifully packaged lotion.

Here's something fun about me, guys. I don't like having lotion on me. You don't like it? Feels weird. No matter what? Don't you ever get ashy? Have fun having dry skin. Yeah.

I mean, I think that's the downside is I have dry skin. You know, there's a gold bond lotion that I will tolerate when there's a patch that's getting out of control. But only on your balls? Oh, yeah. Only in the balls of the ball-adjacent areas. In those tingle-positive areas? Yeah, sure. Some place with a lot of nerve endings.

So I ordered- You've got to get those good nerve endings. vendings. I ordered some of this moisturizing lotion from a place called Santa Maria Novella, an Italian personal goods company. And the things they have are like the most beautiful smelling and looking thing in the world. And they cost... Good for your mistress!

Yeah. Is that the tagline? And it costs like $50. Like, it doesn't matter what you're buying. I'm spreading the racism out towards Italians too, by the way. It's absurdly expensive, whatever it is you buy. So it's like one of those things that you're only going to buy when you really want to make a point of like this is the specialist's most beautiful, perfect thing of this thing. It's not like what you use every day. And I bought it. And then I bought my wife some hand cream.

I hope she's not listening to this. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. This is going to – the podcast that ruined Christmas. But my wife has very sensitive skin. And she's been having trouble with – you know, Los Angeles is very dry, especially in winter. And she's been having problems with, like, cracking, like painful stuff on her skin, on her hands. So I bought her some hand lotion.

I'm like, you know, she deserves – if anyone deserves a gift of $37 hand lotion, it's my wife, you know? I'll agree to that. It's going to be a very lotion-y Christmas. So I get the package in the mail. It only has hand lotion in it. Oh, my God. So then I emailed them, and they emailed me back

basically saying, like, oh, yeah, we didn't have any of the other ones. We're Italian. We were too drunk. Sorry if this is an inconvenience. We were too drunk. Sorry if this is an inconvenience. We were too busy doing a mob hit. Now I have to think of a new present. I'm

leaving for the Bay Area for Christmas in two days. So that's where I'm at. I really got fucked by the Santa Maria Novea company. Their beautiful store is literally the most beautiful store I've ever been into in my entire life. Man, they just lost my business. Yeah, I know.

I was going to buy a bunch of Jack-Off cream from them. God, they have a gorgeous natural Jack-Off cream. Yeah. Is it sandalwood? No, it's actually pomegranate.

So you get some antioxidants through it too. Exactly. And there's a little bit of bay lime also. Sure. It's like a superfood for your dick.

Yeah. Well, Jordan, I use it. Do you see me getting dick cancer? You know what? As far as I know, you do not have dick cancer. Yeah, take that, free radicals. Sure. You want a few free radicals in your dick for potency.

Yeah. I'm just really, really worried that my dick contains toxins, so I try and – Right, sure. Try to clear them out of there pretty regularly. Do you have a dick sauna? I mean, I probably should. Right, sure. Trying to clear them out of there pretty regularly. Do you have a Dick Sauna?

I mean, I probably should. Here's the best way to make an affordable Dick Sauna is just to build a small cedar box and put it on top of a tea kettle. I mean, I can go. I do go to. Flop your member into there. I do periodically go to the area of town where there's a lot of Hasidic Jews. And I have a Dick Schvitz. Okay, so you have a Dick Schvitz.

Okay, good. Is that the same thing? Yeah, because they're both fun words to say involving steam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or heat. Is a Schvitz a dry heat or a wet heat? Hard to say. Yeah.

It's not something I actually did. It was just a joke, so I don't actually know what goes into a Schvitz. And you're also very anti-Semitic. Yes, extremely. Well-known anti-Semite. Mm-hmm. Well, we've covered all that territory. So, okay, you can't get the Italian stuff in time, but you did mention that the mother-in-law is only used to using the bargain basement lotion.

So could I take an empty bottle of the Italian stuff from my wife, fill it with Eucerin? Sure. She won't know the difference. I was going to say, or is there something that is between bargain basement and Italian overseas stuff that would be just as good? The thing is, is like my feeling about that is if you're giving a gift and you're going to give something as pedestrian as lotion. Sure. giving a gift and you're going to give something as pedestrian as lotion. Sure.

It has to be the really special one or else just give somebody a gift card to Macy's. You know what I mean? Well, Pert Plus makes a body lotion now. Really? Yeah. Is it just lotion or is it lotion and conditioner? It's a four in one. It shampoos, it conditions, it washes. And it's good for jacking off.

Yeah. Well, I guess it's a five-in-one then. Gene, you have a big family. How do you deal with Christmas giving? Do you guys get everybody a present or do you get assigned? No, we made a no-giving gifts to each other ordinance a few years ago. It was like the best thing that ever happened. None at all?

None at all. So your parents don't even get you a Christmas gift? No, my parents will like, it's weird to like sneak me a Christmas gift. Big Gene O'Neill, which is your dad's name? Yeah, Big Gene O'Neill. Slip me a wad of cash and be like, there you go.

Like, don't tell your brothers and sisters. But then I found out he does that with all of us. We should mention that Gene's dad is a Boston Irish gangster. Yeah, he was Whitey Bulger's right-hand man. But no, but then it got like, I did this thing where I would give people books from my library, like just books I'd already read. So it's just like, okay, I'm not paying for a gift, but here's a gift. this thing where I would give people books from my library, like just books I'd already read. So

it's just like, okay, I'm not paying for a gift, but here's a gift. And then my brothers and sisters just started like buying gifts. So now I'm like the only like deadbeat who doesn't. Oh, so you're, and you're still just giving away the books you don't want. Yeah. The things I couldn't get rid of. The Da Vinci Code again? that you were ahead of. Yeah, the things I couldn't get rid of at a yard sale. The Da Vinci Code again? Well, it's the paperback cover this time,

so it's not as ponderous. Yeah. I mean, that's why I never read the Da Vinci Code, just staring at that thing. How am I going to get through this tome? I know. So tomatic. When you're trying to lift it at eye level on the bus

to show people that you're reading it. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's part of why you get the Da vinci card it's like one to like experience the amazing world but also to let people know that you're uh you know you read big books you're a bookie yeah like a foodie but for books and someone who uh can organize a little bets have i ever talked about the time that uh when i worked at borders in washington.C. I had this boss. I had just gotten hired and he pulled me into the back room and he was giving me this speech about how everyone at Borders loves books. And I was like, that's great. I mean, I like books too, you know, like I like books. And he said, you know, books are like really special objects in all of our lives. You know, like this is something that we define ourselves by.

Sure. And I'm like, wow. I mean, if this store ever closed, I'd probably kill myself. But that won't happen. So he's giving me this whole story about how beautiful books are, how important they are, how important they are to him. And he says, like me, for example, I'm actually a book collector. And he turns and indicates the back wall of his office. He points to the rest of the store and says, this is my collection. I allow people to buy from it because I am magnanimous.

I'm John Borders, president of Borders. Magnanimous. I'm John Borders, president of Borders. We're in his office and he turns and indicates the back wall of his office where he has one bookshelf that has maybe 15 books on it. And he says, this is my collection of first edition James Patterson novels. And he just keeps them in the store? Yes. He has a personal collection of James Patterson novels.

Novels that are literally not even written by the man whose name is on the cover that he keeps in his office at the bookstore. Well, they're inspired by James Patterson. The Bible wasn't written by God. Sure. These are James Patterson's agents on earth. He speaks through them. Do you believe in direct revelation of james but i mean you know i don't want to imply anything about you know your boss but yeah you know you get it you get a you get a you know you get a wide-eyed yes he was a very small

gay african-american man i'm sure that's exactly what you were picturing. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, when I think of the James Patterson audience. What was his name? I can't remember what his name was, but yeah, he was a nice guy. You get a wide eye. I was just like, James Patterson novels? At least, can we at least get like, you know, Stephen King novels? Like ones that are good within the context of the thing that they are?

Does anyone do the signing at the James Patterson? Like is there ever a James Patterson book signing? Who signs? Oh, yeah. Is it like Dave where Kevin Kline

just looks kind of like him? Just the guy from The Office? We need you to be James Patterson. Yeah. Those are some big shoes to fill. It's just a different guy who has books published with his name on the cover that doesn't write them. With the time that Richard Scarry saves not writing all of the Richard Scarry busy town books, he goes from town to town signing books as James Patterson.

Was there a once in a – like there was a book that he actually wrote though, right? It wasn't just like, hey, here's a name. No, James Patterson. Or did publishers be like, here is a name that people will trust i think james patterson wrote some books he wrote his book for a while but it's been a while since he has been the primary author of his books like he publishes at this point like eight books a year is he still alive yeah he's totally still alive what the fuck i? I know. Pick up a pen, James Patterson. You know, people want more, they want to check in more frequently with his beloved characters, like Spyman. Yeah, and Virtuous Lawyer.

Yeah, exactly. I assume. One presumes. Sensual Dracula. Yeah, sure. Tom Clancy is the same, right? I don't think he writes zone books anymore. Sniper Angel.

I don't know. Tom Clancy's dead, though, I think. Yeah. Is Tom Clancy dead? I think nobody knows. Right. His ship went down, but they never recovered the body. He could just be on a nuclear submarine on a particularly long deployment.

Yeah. Novels are still coming out by him, so. By Tom Clancy? Yeah. I think he's alive. I read it. He's still releasing video games. I read The Hunt for Red October.

I played Rainbow Six. Yeah. So there you go. We're both basically Tom Clancy experts. He does all the video games. I read The Hunt for Red October. I played Rainbow Six. Yeah, so there you go. We're both basically Tom Clancy experts. He does all the motion capture for those games, right? Like he goes in and puts on the suit. He puts on a suit. Every digital character you see in the Rainbow Six game is literally Tom Clancy. Yeah, and they'll all be wearing like full camo body armor, but then like a USS Marine hat.

But it's something that he's done since the Hunt for Red October movie. Sure. Where he actually went into industrial light and magic dressed as a nuclear submarine. Right. Did the mocap. Yeah. I guess that makes sense in those games. I mean, I'm just thinking about it now.

Every time you kill a guy, when he dies, he yells, Tom Clancy is cool. about it now when you every time you kill a guy when he dies he yells tom clancy is cool so people think that he's cool and it works i think he's cool i think he's pretty cool fond opinion of the man it is a great last thing to say before you kill somebody yeah oh speaking of uh speaking of samples uh and getting them at Costco, I was in the Trader Joe's yesterday. Seamless segway. Thank you. Hey, remember a couple minutes ago? You were in the Trader Joe's yesterday and you were embroidering all the letters of the alphabet and your name and the date.

Oh, sorry. I'm thinking of samplers. Go ahead. What? Samplers. That's like an embroidery where you embroider all the letters of the alphabet. I've never heard that before. Sorry.

I apologize. Hey, very funny. So there's the one sample zone in Trader Joe's. Is it Trader Joe's? I thought it was Trader's Joe. No, you're thinking of Carl's Jr. and Surgeon's General. All right. Sorry to interrupt. No, that's okay. It's Jr. and Surgeon's General. All right. Sorry to interrupt.

No, that's okay. It's his. It's his outpost. Yeah, okay. So you're at Trader Joe's. Yeah, I think more than one Trader Joe's is Trader's Joe. So you thought Trader's Joe's, you were thinking maybe the store was named after a group of traders who weren't named Joe but had an essential Joe quality.

We are the traitors, Joe. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe it started as like a coffee shop. Right. For traitors. Traitors, Joe. Yeah.

Got it. I thought it was Trator Joe for a while. I thought he was traitorous to his country. It was started by a guy who had smuggled in from Russia some pictures of some peppermint sandwich cookies on microfilm. He set up a nice little grocery store. Yeah. It gives good health benefits, apparently. So, you know, oftentimes. You got to keep out those unions.

Oftentimes, there's a little lineup at the sample zone uh and i was in trader joe's by the sample zone and there were these two this kind of middle-aged couple and they were talking to kind of a young like the babe type and they were clearly like a new babe type a babe like a pig uh a pig? Yeah. Talking pig that thinks it's a dog. Like an attractive woman. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Who could maybe-

So like a baseball slugger? Yeah. Like a real bambino. She got her those big bambinos. Got it. Like a legendary lady golfer of the 1930s. That's Babe Didrikson Zaharias. That's the one.

Yeah. That's the one. And I got the sense that they knew each other before this. The couple? Yeah, the couple knew each other from having been married for 10 years. They all knew each other and were just kind of

chit-chatting. Maybe from swinging? Yeah, maybe from swinging, maybe from the world of key parties. Or just Trader Joe's sample zones, I know our yeah community under themselves yeah um yeah everybody like calls each other when the new risotto comes out and you line up it's like star wars you know you dress up as your favorite trader joe's food item yeah i myself will wear a squash lasagna sampler costume. Sure.

And they were to a point where conversation had run out. They still wanted to get the sample, but didn't want to just stand quietly by each other. And so the man of the couple says to the babe type, so what are you doing for work these days? And she goes, magician's assistant. He doesn't ask her anything else about that. What follow-up could you possibly have? What's it like? What do you wear? What kinds of tricks?

Do you really disappear? I can think of some. Well, they can't reveal any secrets, so really... Oh, yeah, I guess you can hear SOL. Is the magician nice? Have you sucked his dick? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Do you think nice? Have you sucked his dick? Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Do you think magicians and magician's assistants have a cool professional relationship or a hot, sensuous relationship? Well, I mean, you know. Jordan, you were a magician's assistant. How often did you fuck your boss? Quite frequently. I don't know. You know, it could be one of those things where, you know, you leave it out all out on stage. Right.

You know, I think kind of the old, not adage, but the old thing that people say is that, you know, when you see an on-screen couple and they're actually married, there's no heat on the screen because it's all back home in the bedroom. Right. So maybe that. Although I like to think that Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen give the light of that one. Oh, boy. Anytime the two of them are on screen, I am hard as a diamond. Off screen. Bring some towels.

On stage. On film. Can I get some user in over here? Yeah. Jesse, get yourself the good stuff when it's Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen. Yeah. I mean, you know, you can use whatever when you're cranking it to Teddy DeVito and Rhea Perlman. That's when you slather on the Eucerin.

Oh, it's electric. But when a nice couple of fillies like that. You don't want to get the Italian stuff. A couple of nice fillies. Like a tenor dancing. What a nice filly. Like a nice Felicity Huffman and a Bill Macy. You put on the good stuff.

What were we talking about? Give me that a nice jack off a cream. Oh, do I think that magicians and a magician's assistant's fuck? Yeah. I think that- Please, make love. Sorry, yeah. I bet you if you see a magician's performance and it's very sensual, I bet that is an indicator that they have not fucked.

But if it's flat and listless, I bet they are going at it. A lot of sleight of cock going on. Can I ask you sort of a second tier question? Please. Do you think there are magicians who are not virgins? Oh, no, yeah. All magicians are virgins. So yeah, I guess that just kind of eradicates the whole argument. Got it. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan, Jessica. Hi, I'm Mark. And I'm Hal. And we're the hosts of We Got This. The show that offers definitive answers to dumb debates that you suggest. Every Wednesday, we discuss the hot button topics you never knew you cared so much about, like whether you should pick ketchup on a hot dog. What's the best Star Wars movie? Whether it's better to be too hot or too cold. Coke or Pepsi? Best Marvel movie. Which

is the best religion? I told you we're not doing that one. So join us every week on MaximumFun.org and don't worry, everyone. We got this. We got this. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time, Gene O'Neill. Wait a minute, I'm changing my nickname. I'm Peabody Locke. Jesse Thorne. Nice. You would think it would be for my NPR show, Bullseye. It's not.

It's because I'm one of the stars of History Channel's Christmas Through the Decades. It's one of the finest seasonal talking heads programs around, right? Yeah, well, I mean, I told them, I said to them, if you can get Brian McKnight, I'm in. They got Brian McKnight, and I was in. You're not settling for a lesser new kid on the block. Well, look, they told me they had Mr. Belding. They told me they had one of the brady daughters and how many times have you heard that i know they told me they had mike pesca

you know what i emailed with uh mike pesca i didn't know mike pesca mike pesca is in this weird history channel talking head special that i'm in i did not know he was in it until uh uh he saw it on tv and saw me in it and emailed me. Our friend Mike Peska from The Gist, the Slate podcast, wonderful show. And Mike, I said to Mike, yeah, that was a weird way to make 500 bucks, right? And Mike emailed me back, wait, you got paid? Yeah, Mike needs a better agent. Do you think the Peabody committee has started recognizing Talking Heads specials? Yeah. Mike needs a better agent. Do you think the Peabody Committee has started recognizing Talking Heads specials? Yeah. Well, I mean, so it's one of those things where certainly there are people who were ahead of the curve, even great people who made great contributions.

I mean, they were pretty focused on shows like Frontline back when Michael Ian Black and Doug Benson were at their peak. Sure. Back when Michael Ian Black and Doug Benson were at their peak. But I think that now that it is a deeply beloved genre of television, you know. History of Christmas shows. Just shows where fun minor celebrities riff on hot topics in popular culture and fond memories, warm and fond memories. Like, remember when Simon was a thing that you push the buttons and it makes the lights? Oh, yeah. They were pretty disappointed that I didn't remember any of the things from the 70s,

but I wasn't alive in that decade. Sure. So I didn't know what to tell them. I said, I'll say some things about them, but I don't know what to tell them I said I'll say some things about them but I don't remember I have heard that yeah you're gonna have to go to

Dukes of Hazzard were something you're gonna have to go to Brian McKnight on this one yeah I am not a crook right guys

you said it Brian McKnight's legendary catchphrase it's actually girl I am not a crook girl i'm not a crook yeah then mr building said sock it to me jordan what what's your gift giving situation this holiday season um yeah so uh you know it's a small family so we each we each get each other a gift or two a piece um and i had a uh i i'm on a like an iMessage chain with some dudes.

You know, some dudes I know. And we decided to do a gift exchange this year. The Honey Deutsch. Yeah. We decided to do a gift exchange this year, $500 limit. $1 minimum. $1 minimum, $500 limit. And, you know, it was –

Jim Cramer. It was really fun. It's an MSNBC – I mean, excuse me, CNBC chain, right? Yeah. It's me, Kramer, and his inflatable cow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you've never had to buy from Mr. Wonderful, then he is the man who literally has everything.

Right. And I got Is that one of the guys from the Fantastic Four? Oh Mr. Wonderful is one of the sharks from the Shark Tank. His name is Mr. Wonderful?

This is not his given name. I've never seen Shark Tank. I know that it's a very popular cultural phenomenon. I've seen a couple of Shark Tanks and one of them is called Mr. Wonderful. I think.

It's Mark Cuban. Okay. Mark Cuban is Mr. Wonderful? Yeah. The owner of the Dallas Mavericks? Yeah. And Dish Network? I think so, yeah.

Wait, HDNet, that's what he owns. Well, it's like you've never seen Mark Cuban and Mr. Wonderful together in the same spot. Got it. People think it's him. So basically, Mr. Wonderful is Mark Cuban with a cape and a codpiece. Yeah. Got it. Not that he needs it.

Mark Cuban's kind of a monster. Oh, yeah. Mark Cuban, he can only wear those codpieces for a certain amount of time before the cock bursts its way out. That guy literally uses an entire bottle of Eucerin every time he wants to jack off. Sure. That's how he got rich. By doing jack off shows jacking off and making people pay him or selling the ejaculate how did he make the money i don't

know i gotta reread his biography i got out of it though you might have missed some things i remember some of the pages were stuck together jacking off it's something about- Some of the pages were stuck together. There was something about jacking off at something about Dirk Nowitzki. I don't remember anything else. And I, so I came home and, you know, we're all kind of in town. So I got mine hand delivered on my porch before I got into my house. It's a metal Star Wars lunchbox. Open it up.

Filled with pot. It was great. It's the best fucking Christmas gift in history. Was it $500 worth of pot? I don't know how much money it was worth. Was it half an ounce? I mean, that seems like a lot of pot. I bet it was.

I bet it was $100 worth of pot. Wow. Wow. Yeah. I don't know how much the lunchbox cost. Man, what's that worth on the street? Oh, I don't know. The lunchbox?

I think it depends if Target sold out of them. Yeah. I bet I could go to Target with that lunchbox like Christmas Eve and just hang around outside. It's like, hey. One time somebody put some. Man, what if he gave you the wrong lunchbox? Like that lunchbox was for him and the other, I don't know. I will also entertain that nobody on the iMessage chain has fessed up to who it was yet.

So it could have been for one of my neighbors who's a drug dealer and Star Wars fan. So like you think, Gene, your theory is that there were two lunchboxes. They got mixed up. I have a second lunchbox theory. So the pot lunchbox was supposed to be for the gifter and Jordan's lunchbox was supposed to be full of heroin? Yeah, or bologna sandwiches maybe.

Or heroin and bologna. I was supposed to get a Mad Max thermos filled with cocaine, but he switched it with a Star Wars lunchbox filled with pot. I mean, if these guys are your friends, they know that you're an uppers guy, not a downers guy. But I mean, I think part of gift giving is to broaden people's horizons. Here's something that you might want to try.

Maybe you wouldn't buy it for yourself, but I think you'd like it. What kind of Star Wars lunchbox was it? This was New Hope. Okay. So original trilogy. Original Star Wars. Original trilogy. Yeah.

Yeah. I would have gone with TIE Fighter. Remember that game? Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Original Star Wars. Original trilogy. Yeah. Yeah. I would have gone with TIE Fighter. Remember that game? Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. That was fun. Yeah. It was really fun.

You got to be a spaceship. I think that's non-canonical now. What? I know. It was canonical before? I think it was canonical. The narrative was. Sure.

The official Star Wars. That's Jesse on his 38640 at home. Yeah. George Lucas signed off on that. That all happened until recently. That's why every time you watch the movie, it's a different kid. Right. Is that why there was that whole part in episode two, was it, where things started getting blocky and moving slowly and then a hand reached down and pressed the turbo button?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Got it. That was because turbo button. Yeah. Got it. That was because that was actually happening. Got it. Yeah. So yeah, pretty good gift as far as Secret Santas go. That's pretty good. Yeah. Is there anything you're hoping to get from your family members? Just more pot or? Yeah, more, I mean, hopefully. Well, I mean, I think

From your trombone playing church going stepfather, your lawyer sister. Yeah, hopefully they can score some of the good stuff. Lactation counselor mother. I mean, between them, they have access to all sorts of drugs. Oh, yeah. Like a Nurse Betty type situation.

Oh, yeah. Maybe some nice hospitalies. Yeah. Is Nurse Betty what I'm thinking of? I don't know. Is that the TV show on Showtime? I think it's a TV show on Showtime. Okay.

Does that involve medication smuggling? What's the one that's a movie with Morgan Freeman and Chris Rock? Kiss of Death. Got it. Okay, great. So we're all set. Yeah. We're all online.

But yeah, and I had a little bit of a disappointing Office Secret Santa situation. Oh, let's have it. Why did Matt Myra get you? Well, I got a – no, I mean it was – listen, Office Secret Sands can go a lot of ways. I got something. It was a car mount for a cell phone. Chris Hardwick gave you Hearst Castle. Yeah, I know.

He should have known I wanted the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. I've been dropping hints. And I think it was just a, I have this laying around and I've wrapped it up situation he basically took a shit in a box yeah yeah Merry Christmas yeah and you know like obviously the Secret Santa things you know you sometimes you don't know the people in the office

but but you know I think that there were a lot of people who who went out of their way to be a little creative and I think you know I think mine didn't go out of his't quite rise to the occasion. And I think I let it. He went on his way. Yeah. On his way, he picked that up.

But I think the box of pot made up for it. What did you get from your office secret, Santa? Just a midnight mug? Oh, no, a car mount for a cell phone. Wow. That's terrible. It is Wow. That's terrible. It is bad. That's genuinely awful. Is it a really dope

car mount? Does it have Bad Bad Botsmaru on it? No, I don't think it has anything out of it. No defining characteristics other than being a car mount. By the way, that's how I'm actually a professional car mount reviewer, and we rate them generally on a scale of no bad, bad botsmaru to has a bad, bad botsmaru.

I love your YouTube videos where you open your new car mount box. And say whether or not it has bad, bad botsmaru on it. And this one doesn't have bad, bad botsmaru. This one only has carope. It's a cute frog. The new shit in the world of Sanrio is this egg who looks like he's depressed. What? Have you seen this depressed egg?

So I think the Sanrio has branched out from Hello Kitty and, you know, other animal characters. Most of what I know about Sanrio personally comes from in college. Some friends and I would go to go to the peninsula for pho. Yeah. To like Sunnyvale or something like that. And I think I went on a few of those peninsula runs. Yeah, he went on a couple of pho runs. I mean, I never heard about it, but I mean, like they say, what happens on the peninsula? And there was a huge stationary store there. And that's where I learned a lot about Sanrio characters and about non-Sanrio, Sanrio-like characters.

Non-canonical Sanrio characters. Yeah, there was a bear whose catchphrase was, we are nice, we like Storo Berry. And then TIE Fighter, of course. And TIE Fighter. That was a frog. So from what I understand, Sanrio now,

what's paying the bills these days is food with faces. There's a slice of salmon that has a non-salmon little body. So the slice of salmon is the head, and it walks around on a tiny body. Like the Hamburglar? Wait, not the Hamburglar. Who's Mayor McCheese?

Yeah, it is kind of like Mayor McCheese. Right. Some of him is human, but most of him is food. An anthropomorphic sexualized fish. Is it raw or cooked salmon? It looks raw, but this does not have a lot of detail in it. And you're sure it's salmon? It's not like sashimi or something?

It's not tuna or albacore? I was under the impression it was salmon. It might not be. Is it possible it's albacore? Could be. Okay. Well, I think the coloring suggests salmon. Chilean sea bass?

I don't know. Listen, maybe we'll look. I think the coloring suggests salmon. Chilean sea bass? I don't know. Listen, maybe we'll look. I know we got a replacement. Christian's looking it up for us right now. Okay, thank you. But I think the new one that is the most popular, from what I understand, is a cracked egg that has a face in the yolk, and the face is always looking like he wishes he was dead. He does not like his life. No, that's just Gary Busey.

You're describing Gary Busey. Oh, okay. But you can't buy stationery and pencil sharpeners if you want it, right? Are you sure you're not just looking inside a cracked egg and seeing your own reflection? Oh, could be. Maybe I am. Maybe I need to look at some stuff. Staring into the abyss of the cracked egg.

Happy bear man. That's who was nice and liked Storaberry. Happy bear man. We're nice. We liked Storaberry. Happy Bear Man. We're nice. We like Storaberry. Every time I see this egg character, he just bums me out. Yeah. Anyway.

This has got to be rough for you, Jordan. But, I mean, I guess thinking back. You love the world of Sanrio. I do. I'm always hanging out in those stores. It's a great way to meet teens. It's the only way you can get hard. For friendship.

But, yeah, I guess now that I think about it, Bad Bad Botsmaru didn't seem to like his life either. Is Bad Bad Botsmaru old news now? I think so. I have not seen a Bad Bad Botsmaru in, I mean, years, since high school. Bad Bad Botsmaru, that's my boy. Sure. That's my boy. Your Sanrio boy.

Snorlax. Yeah. That's like my top two dudes. Cool. Snorlax is my top from the Pokemon universe. So you like grumpy anime characters. Bad, Bad Botsmaru is my top character from the Sanrio universe. And then those children dying of radiation poisoning are my favorites from the Grave of Fireflies universe.

I'm more of a thalidomide guy in that universe. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Big time, Gene O'Neill. a thank you to Laura from Clinton, Massachusetts, who sent us a weird, probably poisoned box full of things from Massachusetts. Okay.

We got some salsa from Concord, Massachusetts. Well, Massachusetts, known for its Mexican food. Some maple popcorn from Lowell, Massachusetts. Of course, the maple popcorn capital of places other than Vermont. Massachusetts. Of course, the maple popcorn capital of places other than Vermont. Honey sticks from Sudbury, Massachusetts. Some candies from Lawrence, Massachusetts.

Some dog treats that are from New Hampshire. But, you know, whatever. They're political independents. They're like moderate Republicans. I don't know a lot about New Hampshire. Some vegetarian bacon bits. Those are for Carrie from Oh No Ross. There's several presents for Carrie from Oh No Ross and Carrie as well in this box. She also packed it with popcorn, literal popcorn.

Wow. It's just gross. Okay. Yeah, I guess it's been in the mail for a long time. It's fun. You get to eat. Yeah, you can eat it, Gene. Well, it's just frustrating to get a package in the mail and you can't eat the sort of protective insulation. can eat it, Gene. Well, it's just, it's frustrating to get, like, a package in the mail and, you know, you can't, like, eat the sort of protective insulation, you know?

I eat it. You don't ever eat those bubble things that Amazon shit comes with? No, it's bad for my teeth. Oh, shit. We got a couple other packages here. Should I open them up? Yeah, sure. Open it up.

This is from the return address Freeburg from Vermont. I haven't gotten a single... Careful, Jordan. You don't know that that's not a boxing glove. Oh, yeah. I haven't gotten a single family Christmas card from a person I don't know at all yet. What the fuck? Usually every year I get thoughtful but also creepy pictures of other people's families who I don't know.

It's nice of them to include me on their Christmas card list because they enjoy the show or whatever. But it's weird to have a picture of someone's family that you don't know. Are you sure you're not just taking the neighbor's mail? Oh, you know what? That's probably what it is. Should I not have spent those 20s?

So here's from Michael Freeberg. There's a postcard on here with a picture of Jeffrey Tambor on it. That sounds like a nice postcard. Dear Jordan and Jesse, thanks for the countless hours of free content. Just in case you feel like being sad, here are a few copies of a newspaper I made about Syrian refugees in Jordan. Great. Anyway, it's probably –

Well, I mean, if we get sad, we can just look at that picture of Jeffrey Tambor. Think about how great he is on Transparent. He is very good on Transparent. He's so good on Transparent. He's fucking amazing. Have you seen the recent episode where he says, Yas, Queen? He says that? Yes.

I haven't seen that. Have you started season two? I used to watch episode one of season two, but he didn't say Yas, Queen. Well, it might be in episode two or three, but it is. Think of how good you think that is going to be. Right. It's way better. Holy shit. Holy shit. Anyway, thank you, Michael,

for the wonderful picture of Jeffrey Tambor and with the... I'm guessing good work you're doing with Syrian refugees. It seems likely. Yeah. Yeah, he's great making that newspaper about him. Sure.

Now, this is a bubble package that someone has thoughtfully wrapped completely in packing tape. Very difficult to open. Really struggling. If only we had a producer who could run and grab some scissors right now. By the way,

if the internet has not gotten on the Jeffrey Tambor Yas Queen gif yet, and I'm sure it has. Yeah. I mean, you know, it would be surprising if they hadn't. But if for some reason they've dropped the ball, guys, ultimate gif. You could make some gifs of other memorable moments from that show. Like when every other single character on it is a self-centered asshole that you want to punch. Like when Josh blows it again.

Fucking Josh. Fucking Josh. Oh, this is from the Wallace family from Houston, Texas. They have a nice little cartoon picture of them on their return address label. That's really sweet. Yeah. Christian got up as though he was going to go get some scissors and then came back with nothing. She's like, oh, I better go get some scissors.

You and Gene want to vamp? We are vamping. I'm complaining about Christian not getting scissors. You literally are having to tear this entire piece of tape off of this. Use your teeth. No, I just got some work done. Man, this better be a good gift. Yeah, right? If this is bad, geez.

Yeah. Bwah. What? Oh, it's wrapped up within the thing, too. This is just a Russian nesting doll wrapping. Nice bow. Okay, let's see. This one was addressed just to you, right? It was, yes. Jordan, let's see. This one was addressed just to you, right? It was, yes.

Jordan, getting a head start for Jordan V. Jesse Calendar Challenge. Happy, happy joy. Shannon Wallace, what is the calendar challenge? Well, I think the calendar challenge is where I talk about the bunny calendar that Teresa gets me, and you are upset by that. Oh, okay. Oh, well. Traditionally.

Well, I hope you like hearing about yoga kittens. Because I've got the 2016 yoga kitten calendar. Oh, that sounds good. Right in my hot little hands. Blah, blah, voom. Guys, I'm going to need a little... I'm going to leave some lotion in here. I'm going to need some time to masturbate to these cats.

Oh, okay. What kind of positions are they doing? So first. Downward kitten. First. Downward facing cat. Yeah. Sleep in a sunbeam.

Uh-huh. And couch ruin. I won't go through the whole year because that would be redundant. But the first one here is Adelaide, Lord of the Dance, Natasaranya, stretch the shoulders and chest, thighs, and abdomen, strengthen the legs and ankles, and proves balance. It seems cruel to make a kitten do an actual yoga pose. This is like a— They're all dead, from my understanding. This is a not-that-elegant Photoshop job.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it's very cute, but the cat has clearly not done anything like this. Well, I'm not trying to shit on yoga kittens. No. And the last thing I would ever do is say anything bad about a bunny calendar. Sure. But the new shit is goats and trees calendars. Oh, goats and trees, yeah.

Because it's dope. You won't believe the fucking branches that a goat could stand on. Oh, goats and trees, yeah. Because it's dope. You won't believe the fucking branches that a goat could stand on. Oh, it's in the trees? Yeah, it's wild. How do they do that? They're super good climbers, dude. I think that's Photoshop.

A goat can't climb a tree. Goats love climbing trees. If you put a can up there, they will make it their business to get up in that tree because those motherfuckers love to eat cans. Thanks, guys. Great gifts. Let's say you see a goat in that tree because those motherfuckers love to eat cans. Thanks, guys.

Great gifts. Let's say you see a goat in a tree. Something else momentous happens to you. We ask you to call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Our number, 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Let's take our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse guest.

This is Arlo from Baltimore calling in with a momentous occasion. So I was driving in Northern Baltimore city in kind of a rough neighborhood and pulled up to a red light behind a police car. And so there's a perp in the back, two cops in the front, pretty standard. Then I see that on top of the car, clear as day, is a huge Ziploc bag filled with what I assumed and still assume was either heroin or crack vials, one of the two, probably like 50 or 100 of them, it seemed, lots of them. So they're driving around with this bag of evidence on top of the car, I guess forgot to grab it before they left or whatever, and I was going to get out and tell them before the light changed,

but I don't think, especially now, cops are big fans of people walking up to their car windows, especially just at random times and in traffic. And it would have been a snitch move anyway. So anyway, I'm not sure how far the police station was, but that thing was definitely going to slide off whenever they turn next. I had to turn at the next light to visit my grandma, so I didn't see what happened. But anyway, it was a very lucky day for some local drug addict or for another drug dealer, I guess, and obviously for the perp.

Jesus Christ, turn it off, Christian. Keep it pithy, sir. Keep it pithy. Yeah, boy, you know. I got pranked by some fun cops who put a fake set of vials of crack on top of their car. And when anyone pointed to it, they lifted up a sign that said, you just got pranked. Cop pranked. Yeah, cop pranked.

You know, I mean, I think in the cops. This is a hit YouTube show that this guy just participated in. Yeah. I mean, the cops have had a tough year. You know, it's been a a tough year. You know, it's been a bad year for, you know, police.

They could use some good PR. Yeah, I mean, I think some, like, delightful, fun YouTube pranks would, like, really help that.

Yeah. You know, would change their image from, you know, monsters to, you know, just, like, fun japesters.

Yeah, like, what if there was a young African-American man running from a police officer in a grainy dash cam footage that you clicked on

on Twitter and it turned out that they shot that kid 50 times but with silly string. That'd be a lot of fun. It would be really fun and it would be social commentary to the Jordan. I'm nothing if not a social satirist. Or just those flags that say bang on them came out. And then just traumatized the kid.

Yeah. But then real bullets come out after that. So they would actually shoot him afterwards. So it would be an example of police brutality. Or I mean if they just like – I mean it could just be them injecting like fun catchphrases into their regular brutality. Okay, so they would be brutalizing someone. Yeah, and then they'd say, you know, bye, Felicia. Yas, queen.

You're a Yas, queen. You know, just something fun. Are you going to shoot that young unarmed man? Yas, queen. Yas, queen. Yas. See, I already feel like I can relate to these cops more. They talk just like me.

Well, they get memes. Sure. I really like to think of myself like my cultural background is internet culture. So, yes, I do speak memes. These are my people. Yeah. I'm also a white supremacist. So those are the two things. Who likes memes? Yeah. I'm also a white supremacist. Sure. So those are the two things.

Who likes memes? Yeah. Will there be a Rehowa? Yas, queen. Not that I am equating Republicans and white supremacists, but your white supremacy remark made me think of a Ted Cruz fan page I went to recently. On StormNet? Yeah. Yes.

So Ted Cruz has a Facebook page where people are making memes dedicated to him. It's called Ted Cruz Meme Page. Oh, good. That's a good name. Yeah, it's really catchy. Dot net. And they tried to do- Somebody's squatting on dot com.

People only have the most rudimentary idea of what a meme is at this thing. Right. Like someone – they've got a grandchild that explained it to them or something. But they tried to do most interesting man in the world. Sean Hannity explained it to them. Right. Sat them down. And then they tried to do most interesting man in the world memes with him.

And one of them was just a picture of the most interesting man in the world. And the top text was, I don't always vote for president. Bottom text. But what I do, it is for Ted Cruz because he's the most conservative candidate. Ted Cruz meme page. Look it up. It's great. And that was the most coherent one.

That's the one that I can describe because it made kind of a little bit of sense. God. Memes. Meme. Guys, I love memes. More gifts vines my face when yeah sure yeah you got it this is my face when i hear about a new meme so similar to your regular face well because i'm always hearing about new memes you always have a constant stream of

meme news headed at you can i tell you about an embarrassing moment that kind of happened to me i was looking at a page of memes like in a coffee shop and uh like the internet like went out i guess you know and so like a coffee like a barista walks by and like the beautiful barista that works at the coffee shop and it's just like oh hey i think the internet's like not working and she's like oh i'll reset it and then when she comes back she's like oh it's it's done i'm like oh yeah thanks like and then i'm like i have a meme paint like thanks i really have something i gotta get back to work i gotta find what booty had me like. It's a picture of an

owl twisting his head around. Let's take our next call. Hey guys, Ethan from Columbus, Ohio. I was flying to the Atlanta airport. In the bathroom stall next to me was a man ending a long-term relationship by dictating text messages into Siri

using full punctuation. He said, I quote, if you don't want to call, don't call, period. Just top of the lies, period. That is all. Wow. Boy. That's a good one.

How many times have I been in that situation? Sure. Yeah. Taking a shit in the Atlanta airport. Breaking up with a long-term girlfriend using Siri. And you're just, you know, and I think that in that moment you are, like nothing would ruin this moment more than a lie. So I should just nip it in the bud. Right.

And if you've already wiped, you don't want to be putting your hands on your phone. So you got to go hands-free at that point. Yas, queen. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Sunny D, and esteemed guests. This is Carissa calling from Worcester, Mass. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion slash moment of deep, deep shame. I just found out I have fallen a victim to the Grandma Long Con.

I have lived 25 years thinking that Kenny G and Michael Bolton were brothers. Just brought that little tidbit up in a conversation. Got looked at like I had two heads.

Did just a little bit of Googling. Found out I can't trust a goddamn thing that woman ever says again. Thanks, guys. Love the show. Yeah, this bitch got played

by her grandma. Oh, man. Grandma owns. Grandma's lies about Kenny G had me like. Car crashes into a bear. I don't always lie about Kenny G and Michael Fulton's

relationship. But what I do, it's to my granddaughter. Man, if we could get this grandma, we could get one of those fucking YouTube loans, you know, where they give you a bunch of money and your own channel. How do you mean? It would be a prank show hosted by this grandma. It's mostly about Air Jordans. Sure, yeah, but occasionally she tells you.

Sometimes it's about Disney toys. She tells you what celebrities are related, and it's like you kind of believe it. Yeah. Because maybe you don't know too much about them. And they look just enough alike to where it kind of tracks. No, it's like a grandma and she has like a, she is like, she's like kind of cool in sort of a streetwear way and she's ethnically ambiguous. Sure.

Are you talking about Larry Johnson? And Grandmama? Yeah. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Like a cool street wear grandma. Like grandmama Larry Johnson from those commercials for sneakers. NBA great Larry Johnson. And, you know, they're just hassling cops.

I think that grandma already got signed by Ted Cruz's social media team. Basketball players don't do hilarious commercials that much anymore, right? Do I just not notice them? Because, I mean, I remember Grandma Ma. I remember when Charles Barkley fought Godzilla. Yeah. Is the golden age of hilarious basketball commercials over? That was the golden age of Nike commercials specifically, right?

Like there was a time when the Wyden and Kennedy, the people who make the, I think that's the people who make the Nike commercials, they were so on top of the world that they could literally do anything and the basketball player would agree to it and Nike would agree to it. There was a thing where they dressed Kevin, giant slugger Kevin Mitchell up like a caveman and the slogan was Fee home run that's pretty good okay sports stars just have more dignity now it's all about like the you know the passion of the game like that's sports advertising these days is like yeah you know it's supposed to be inspirational

i think after uh the nba's court jester gilbert aren Gilbert Arenas was banned from the sport for bringing a gun to a game, I think nobody wanted to be funny anymore. The humor died. Yeah. Poor Agent Zero. Yeah. home lonely, playing one month a year for a Chinese league team, and the rest of the time just posting weird, sexist Instagram posts about how people would like women's basketball more if the chicks were hot. That sounds good.

He really did that, right? Yeah, he did that last week. Do you guys know that speaking of- Do you follow Gilbert Arenas on Instagram? Yeah, that's the only person I follow on Instagram. And that famous butt woman. Yeah, and butt lady. Yeah, yeah.

I think the – this is something that I peripherally saw and don't know a lot of details of. You saw it out of the side of your eye? Yeah, right? Okay. I was glancing at this. Did Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, go on some sort of minimist rant recently? Yes. I think Scott Dilbert, Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, is a men's rights activist.

Does he express this through Dilbert or is Catbert the kind of voice? Right. Yeah. He's Dilbert's new boss, Fedora Man. I don't know. I think it was in like a blog post. I don't think Dilbert was saying, you know. Gender politics haven't been injected yet into Dilbert, which is strictly a realm of office politics.

Yeah, right. Exactly. That chick with the triangular hair was like, I got divorced from my husband and it was no problem to get custody of the kid because I'm a woman. Even though I'm unfit yeah i think that's pretty much how it went down sure why am i expected to pay for dinner do you think that's why bill waterston hasn't done any calvin and hobbes since he retired it's because he's secretly a men's rights activist oh i don't know well maybe he just got fed up with all the like you know the the boys club politics of the Sunday comic strips.

Yeah. That's a good point. I mean, that place is a sewer for that stuff. It really is. Garfield. Rhymes with orange. Sure. Get fuzzy.

The one with the sports guy that's on the sports page. Tank McNamara. Tank McNamara. Tank McNamara. What a pile of garbage that is. Oh, man. Oh, man, I look forward to every Tank McNamara comic. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Are you living on the streets again? I mean, I'm staying on the streets. So it's just a temporary thing? Yeah. It's like a staycation? Yeah. You're just crashing. I'm just, you know, it's like those rich kids that, you know, come from like Woodland Hills and, you know, they sort of moonlight. Are you saying that you're making a documentary like Praz from the Fugees? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I just don't have a camera. Got it. But you're keeping it all up here. For when you finally do get a camera, you can just say what happened. To your credit, though, Gene, you're better at rapping. Thanks. That's a low bar to clear, though. That's fair.

You're no ghetto superstar. Jordan, I feel like it bears mentioning that Jordan Jesse Gross Lake is happening. It's happening. It is going to go down this week. This is, for people who do not know, this is something we agreed to during the last pledge drive, probably foolishly. Yeah, almost certainly foolishly. Almost certainly foolishly. As it turns out. So if we reached a certain pledge goal, we would do a show, a donors only show.

Right. From a boat, a boat purchased on Craigslist in MacArthur Park Lake where a body was found last week. Yeah. Last week. One week ago, a dead body was found floating in the lake that we're going into. Hey, that's great. That's some pub right there. Yeah. Jordan, Jesse, that's great. That's some pub right there. Yeah.

Jordan, Jesse, go Gross Lake. Brian and Christian drove down to coastal Orange County to buy a boat for us last week. I had a last-minute engagement. I would have traveled with them. We purchased a – what's that called? You had to go to Ventura to buy a pogo stick. Exactly. Sorry, guys. I'd love to go with you, but

we have a beautiful pedal boat. I think Robin Smart Bunny gave it a name on Facebook that I'm going to throw out there and say maybe we should just go with it. Ship Dipson. Love it.

Yeah. Now, technically, it's a boat, not a ship, but, you know, you do what you got to do. And on, yeah, on Tuesday afternoon, we're going to head down to the lake. If you want to come looky-loo, I don't care. We don't care if you come looky-loo. Tuesday at 1, that's when we're going to do it.

Sure. 1 to 3 on Tuesday. Come down to MacArthur Park Lake, we will literally be podcasting from the middle of the lake, if you see the cops holler hooty hoo because we are not sure that this is legal it may not be legal, it's all certain

I don't know why it would be legal I don't know how you find out if it's legal I mean you just have to do it and then see what happens see if you get shot with some silly strings. That's how you find out about most laws. Yeah. You break them. Just stop doing it. Just get out there and give it a try. Just get out there and run from a cop. Yeah. So it's going down. That's going to

appear probably on the donor feed. We're going to make a little video. Sure. Jay Frosting is going to make a little video. That'll probably be out there for free. So if you're not already a MaxFun donor, you want to hear us hosting Jordan Jesse Go from a boat in MacArthur Park Lake, get on it now. Now's the time. Now's the time to do that to that. MaximumFun.org

slash donate. If you are, look forward to that. It's going to be in the donor feed in a few weeks. Christian Duenas on the board this week. MaximumFun.reddit.com, the Reddit. Lots of fun stuff there. 100-plus posts last week. Real solid performance for that.

Yeah, lots of fun Mentos mashup videos, Mentos limoncello, you know, collabs. Yeah, head to the Reddit or to the Jordan Jesse Go Facebook page if you want to see the Mentos commercials with the soundtrack replaced with us singing the Mentos song the Danny DeVito

the Mentos commercials with the Danny DeVito's Limoncello song playing over them which is what I had asked for us with music singing the Mentos song. All kinds of shit.

Any combination of the three things we talked about last week. It turns out, by the way, that the Mentos company is from the Netherlands, and they made those in apartheid South Africa. So, questions answered. Reach out to the MaxFun community. They deliver. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne.

Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. Gene, who's hilarious on Twitter, is at you, Y-O-U, Gene O'Neill. Is there any underscores or anything? No, it's, yeah. I think that you got it. Y-O-U, Gene O'Neill,O-N-E-I-L-L. Yeah, people already have given up on typing it out. If you want to extend the disappointment you experienced

in listening to this program infinitely on the Twitterverse, you got to get with that, man. Follow me at Eugene O'Neill. Otherwise, you'll never get to experience Gene's signature wit and, of course, his beloved seasonal shirtings. Christian Duenas on the board this week, our producer Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jessica.