Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 410: Live at SF Sketchfest with John Hodgman

Episode Date: January 11, 2016

John Hodgman joins Jordan and Jesse live on stage at the Eureka Theatre as part of the 2016 SF Sketchfest.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Jordan, Jesse, go! This is what the microphone sounds like. Okay, it sounded like the mics maybe weren't on, but they are. What a great way to start the show. What a dynamic and hilarious way to start the show. They always say, hit the stage stumbling.

So, yeah, you noticed that? Maybe that I was confused as to whether or not the mics were on. And I'm also noticing this very or not the mics were on. And I'm also noticing this very young child in the front row. I hope you like pussy-eating jokes, fella. Because that's... For the listeners at home and the people who can't

see him, he just mouthed to me what I think is, I don't know what that is. It's for the best, sir. For the best, yeah. Here's a tip. Look into it. Anyway, nice to see my mom's here. You know what?

Let's just call it a wash. Good night, everybody. End of the show. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse Go. It is a delight to be here with you. We have an amazing show planned for you. It is so exciting to be here at the Eureka Theater at SF Sketch Fest. We did our first SF Sketch Fest now something like 12 years ago.

We played right here at the Eureka Theater with our sketch comedy group. And it is so thrilling 12 years later to know that our career has not developed at all. Just none in 12 years. I will say, we're still at the Eureka, but it's at a worse time. For the folks at home, this show is taking place at 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

You know, that time everyone likes to see a comedy show. So you can make it home for the local news. But it is great to be here. I'm always delighted to be in San Francisco. I come to San Francisco for a sketch fest, and I see it as a sort of burrito-eating contest. Like, if I can do seven in three days, that's about right. It's so funny.

We were talking about the show in the weeks leading up to this, and you were saying you were excited for the hometown show. And I didn't really know what that meant, because I, until now, didn't know that you were from here. So when you were saying hometown show, I just thought we were doing a show at a hometown buffet. Did anyone bring chicken fingers? I didn't eat.

Right when I was leaving from Los Angeles, the morning before I got on the flight, I made scrambled eggs for my kids. And it was me and my two sons, four and two, sitting at the table. And I'm eating scrambled eggs and talking to my kids. And just all of a sudden, my four-year-old Simon

goes, shh. And I'm like, what is it, Simon? And he goes, secret scrambled egg party. Secret Scrambled Egg Party. I got invited to one of those on FetLife. It was probably not the same thing.

That's like 25% of the Folsom Street Fair now. It's just Secret Scrambled Egg Parties. Yeah, it's a whole fucking thing. It's funny that you mention this as a yearly tradition for us. I actually have something sticking in my craw from last year's Sketch Fest. Whoa, hold on, Jordan. Can I ask you a question?

Yes. You mentioned that something's sticking in your craw. You have a beloved signature segment on this program called Sticking in My Craw. Seems like it's a good time for that segment. You ready for it? Yes. Is there theme music?

No. What's the most noteworthy popular song about craws? Oh, Hotline Bling. Is that about craws? So actually, I have two things now that are sticking in my craw. One from last year's Sketch Fest and one that happened to me recently at home. Can I ask you a question about the craw logistics?

Is it one in each craw? Or is it two in the same craw? And if so, which side? Port or starboard? It's all over my craw. Really? My craw is stuffed. And if so, which side? Port or starboard? All over my craw. Really? My craw is stuffed with issues.

Like jam in a sandwich. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, this is kind of one of those things. I'm having these two things kind of rolling around in my brain. And these are the, you know, there's those times when you're like sitting by yourself and life is good and you're calm. And then for some reason you reach back into the gutter of your brain and pull out something that happened to you that you hate. And I'm like, I'm going to think about that for a while. These are those. Got it.

So last year at Sketch Fest, I think we played Cobbs. And everybody went out for a drink afterwards to a bar across the street from Cobbs. And it's like this – it's like a fake Irish bar, like a fake Irish pub. And it's like – it was in the afternoon, so it was around 3 or 4. And this is not a – I just want to emphasize that this was not like a speakeasy cocktail lounge. It wasn't like a craft brewery or anything like that. Just a fucking hangout bar.

And I go up to the guy. It's a bar for hanging out and fucking. Yeah. You knock three times, you get into the scrambled egg party. Add chives. Yeah. So it's this hangout bar

and I go up to the dude who's working the bar and I say, oh,'ll just take a, I don't know, you got Bud Light, Miller Light? I'll take one of those. And he looks at me, and he goes, I'm sorry. We only serve good beer here. And I think about that once a week. And I didn't say anything to the guy. I just, you know, had him pour me the fucking whatever

that they had, the Pilsner. But I wish I would have said something. And right now, all I can think of is, oh, you should see the hoppy notes on my balls.

Or know you're gay. copy notes on my balls. Or, know you're gay. Does anything come to mind what I should have said to this dude? Wow, that is a difficult situation. Am I making too much of that? Was that not totally shitty? No, that's horrible.

The customer's always right. Yeah. Anyway, if anybody, listen, get at me on Twitter, at Jordan underscore Morris. If you know this guy, hook us up so I can tell him something about my balls. We should give a better description of him. Was he sort of a medium dipshit? Yes, this was a standard medium dipshit. Yes, this is a standard medium dipshit.

I'm sure this guy has a lot of annoying opinions about Star Wars. Okay, so that's on your left craw. What's on the right craw? This happened to me very recently. I was sticking in my craw with Jordan Morris.

I was looking for parking in the kind of Larchmont neighborhood of LA. And this is kind of a swanky place where you go to get a $5 coffee. And the parking is diagonal, which is a lot of fun. But it makes it easy for people to snake your parking spots.

So I was pulling into this spot and just get fucking straight up snaked by this souped up Honda. I was a little bit excited because I thought it might be Michelle Rodriguez's character from Fast and Furious. It wasn't. But it was these four just fucking 19 year old dipshits and there was a sticker on the back of the car that said MILF Hunter.

And I was so mad. And then I finally found a parking space and I was going to my spot and I saw those dudes, the MILF hunters, and they were all getting boba. And I wanted to go in and say something like, hey, how are the MILFs this season? But I didn't. I just kept walking, and I'm wondering if that was an opportunity. But I didn't take it, and I feel like a chump. Well, I mean, the difficult thing there is that outside of the context of them being inside the MILFmobile, they're going to have a hard time identifying that they're the people looking for MILFs. And so you making that second level joke

of like you're not just saying nice MILF hunter bumper sticker. Like you're fully expecting them to have that be a central piece of their identity that they carry with them from boba shop to boba shop. identity that they carry with them from boba shop to boba shop. I think that's the fatal flaw in your plan here. Maybe just to change gears a little bit, do you think MILFs hang out in boba shops?

If one was hunting for a MILF, do you think these guys know something that I don't? Yeah, I mean, I think, who's a hot milf? Like a Helen Mirren or something? That's a G-milf now. Hell yeah. That's a solid G-milf. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, she's probably in a boba shop. I've got to figure right now, right?

Yeah, she's got to be. Yeah. London. Yeah, I think she likes flavored shaved ice. Yeah. For talking about. I heard somebody at a boba shop. I was at the Japanese grocery store the other day.

And there's a boba shop inside the Japanese grocery store. That's convenient. All in one jam right there. There was also a Japanese bookstore. I bought this magazine that's just pictures of hats. In Japan, that's called pornography. Yeah. Hat awaits your semen.

But this woman walked up to the boba counter, and she said, yeah, can I get a boba? No boba, please. And it's just shitty tea. I ordered a boba, just boba, and I just hold out my hands and then they dump tapioca into my hands and I eat it up like a little piggy.

I feel like that lady should just buy some, like, Sunkissed, let it go flat, and then pour some half and half in there. And she's all set. That's a boba, no boba. She's all set. Jordan Jesse Go is brought to you in part by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform. Squarespace sites look professionally

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You know, Jordan, we're in San Francisco. I don't know if you knew this about me, but I'm actually originally from San Francisco. First I've heard of it. I thought you were from Flint, Michigan. Who am I thinking of, Michael Moore? Well, you know, I think I fooled you with my tough blue collar aesthetic.

Yeah, yeah. I've just got that vibe, you know? It's a real man's man. Does anyone want to go to the hometown buffet later? I really had my heart set on it. I don't know where the nearest one is. But, you know, because we're in San Francisco, a lot

has changed in San Francisco the last 15 years or so. San Francisco is really the hub or epicenter, if you will, of what's called the tech economy. This is all news to me. This is a group of hip young people who are really changing the way business is done in this great country.

Would you say they're disrupting things? I don't know what that word means. Do we have any disruptors in the audience? Hands up if you are a proud disruptor. Do you sexually identify as a disruptor? One guy did some really enthusiastic applause, and I really appreciate that, sir.

I look forward to jerking it to your app later. Anyway, I mean, here's the thing, Jordan. Like, we have been doing Jordan Jesse Go for something like, what, eight years, nine years, something like that. And, you know, we've had some success, but we're not rich. No. You know what I mean? No.

And some of these dudes are rich. Like, what's that guy uh jeff suckerberg what's his name yeah he directed airplane tom myspace but you guys know you guys know the good guy that i'm talking about from the movie the social network that guy yeah he was fucking joking that he didn't know mark you fucking nerds jordan i sincerely couldn't think of his name and then and then i was like i retract i retract my yelling i was like you know this is okay i cover this, I better paper this over with the illusion that I'm doing a bit about how I can't remember his name. Like, people will fall for it.

Yeah, I, usually nerds should not correct, but in this instance you were right and I apologize for yelling at you. Can I tell you a secret? When I said, you know, the guy from the, you know the guy from the social network? I meant to say, you know, Jesse Eisenberg from the social network. Sure.

But I couldn't think of Jesse Eisenberg's name. He has the same name as me. Boy, this is a real peek behind the curtain for you guys. You know that guy who used to be governor of Minnesota, something the body, Ventura? Anyway, I think that probably right now there's at least seven VCs, that stands for Viet Cong, 12 angel investors

and 14 Mark Andreessen from Netscape.com You know what I'm talking about? It's John Angel Fire here. Thank you for hosting all my Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan fiction. FrankDogpile.com

Can I tell you, I literally saw an abandoned pets.com sock puppet in the Goodwill yesterday. Anyway, I think there's some people, if we have business ideas, like I think this is our chance to get funded and become rich. Because the secret of the tech economy is

you do not have to create a successful business. You just have to convince somebody and become rich. Because the secret of the tech economy is you do not have to create a successful business. You just have to convince somebody who's rich that you could create a successful business, and they'll give you, like, over 100 foosball tables. That's where the money is. It's like in the gold... You know in the gold rush, when they say the prospectors didn't get rich,

it was the people who sold pans. The prostitutes. Yeah, and the prostitutes who got rich. It's like in San Francisco right now, those tech dudes aren't getting rich, but the people who sell foosball tables and fucking beanbag chairs are stacking paper. Listen, everybody, quit what you're doing and start selling hoverboards. Apparently they ride them in the office. Anyway, so this place is probably chock full of speculative investment money that we could get our hands on

if we take this opportunity to pitch some of those startup ideas we were talking about. Yeah, I think that's probably good. We have a lot of good ideas. What a good thing. We're amateur disruptors. Chat segment. Okay, we did chat segment. Startups. Startups.

Startups. There we go. Guys, we're already masters of PowerPoint. So it's going to be pretty easy for you to... You want to pitch the first company? Yeah, this is called SWAG. It stands for Star Wars Animosity Generator. Yeah.

And what this does is generates random, just new complaints about Star Wars that you haven't heard. I mean, I think, you know, Captain Phasma's helmet is problematic, for instance. You know, I think we've all heard that Rey is a Mary Sue, but so was Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren was also a Mary Sue. So was Poe Dameron. They're all Mary Sues. Han Solo is something from

Star Wars. So I think this will be just handy for when you're hanging out with your bros and you feel like you've made all the Star Wars complaints. Boom! Here's some new ones. This is a good one that I think you can sell. I think this is a good one. Yeah, this is, I mean... And by the way, just for the folks listening at home, I want to just let you know that these are hilarious logos

for these products cooked up by Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Always a good move to have a lot of visual comedy on your podcast. We are very good at this. This is Luber. I mean, everybody's always talking about Uber for this, Uber for that, Uber for clothes, Uber for housekeeping. This is Uber but for Lyft. Yeah.

Because it's getting kind of creepy to use Uber, you know? Yeah. So, I mean, we don't really know what this is, but I think it's just... By the way, all these people work for Uber. You drive both you have one phone for each yeah uh so yeah i don't we don't really know what this is yet i think somebody just ubers over to your house and helps you sign up for lyft i actually have as far as we've gotten i actually have a really great like really i think it's like a simple Here's one of the things

People are really into Biometrics lately Those wristbands that count how many steps You've taken All that kind of stuff But I think it's really important to have Sort of a tight Focused interface

That's why I've created iPeed. It's an app that tells you when you've peed. So when you pee, it sends an alert letting you know that you've peed. Do you think, I mean, this is just a, again, we're at the brainstorming stage here. I mean, obviously, you know, a little tone would come

off maybe similar to like when you get a text message. Right. But do you think it could play Y'all Ready for This? Yeah, I mean, I was gonna have it play Come On, Ride the Train, Come On and Ride It. Sure, sure. Well, you know, we'll just, we'll talk to the I was gonna make a joke about

who sang that song, but I can't remember who sang Come On, Ride that Train. 69 Boys? I was gonna say Bay City Rollers. That's where it is. Alright, nerds, correct me. Who fucking sang Quad City DJs? Oh, this is a very exciting one. This is called Bionion.

Bionion. And this is, I mean, if there's any women out there. Again, like focusing on streamlining interfaces, focusing on keeping things simple. Yeah, this is for any women out there who do online dating. This is just cuts through all there who do online dating. This just cuts through all the noise of online dating. This is like Tinder. Any woman out there who wants to use Bjunion

just signs up and you automatically just get page after page of requests for pictures of your feet. Yeah, just cuts straight to the chase. Right to that, yeah. You don't have to deal with the chit-chat. The central part of the business. You like hiking?

Anyway. Oh, I am really excited about GetGhost. GetGhost is a product that we think is... Yeah, this is GetGhost, and this is Snapchat. I'm sure a lot of people use. Right. It's no secret that a big part of Snapchat is people like to send nudes. Yeah.

You know, nudes that disappear after a certain time. But I think maybe we've all seen a lot of nudes on Snapchat. But that Snapchat ghost, we never seen his dick. Yeah. Get Ghost is an app that shows you the ghost from Snapchat's dick. Shows you that dick, that ghost dick. For the folks at home,

there's a really hilarious ghost on screen and you can see his dick. Is it transparent? Is it translucent? Is it opaque? Who knows? I ain't never seen a ghost dick. That's why I need this app.

Oh, I am so excited. I am so excited about a new app that we're working on called Gentry. You know, one of the hot trends here in San Francisco in the tech economy is gentrification. And, you know, something that's been going on for 15 or 20 years. It's really exciting. And, you know, something that's been going on for 15 or 20 years, it's really exciting. But one of the big problems is a lot of times in order to evict a family that's been living somewhere for a long time, you have to buy the building. With Gentry, we cut out that step. So as soon as they do something that makes you, the rich tech person, feel uncomfortable, you can simply press a button on your app and evict them.

It's going to be anything. If they cook something that you think smells funny. If they make you feel self-conscious about how much you spent on your blue jeans. Even if they're just carrying something in a Walmart shopping bag, and that makes you uncomfortable. You just press that button, and Gentry will evict them. Off to

Daily City for them. Just kidding. No one can afford to live in Daily City anymore. Sacramento, I guess. Who even knows? Chico? Oh, this next one's a lot of fun. This is kelp. It's like Y one's a lot of fun. This is Kelp.

It's like Yelp, but for Kelp. That one's pretty self-explanatory. Popular amongst otters. Oh, I am really excited about Whisker. Whisker is an app that lets you control your beard for various social contexts.

So you could have it full and bushy for tending to your home kombucha kit. You can have it sparse and stringy for when you're vlogging about how much you hate the female Ghostbusters. You can have it long and filthy for when you're

occupying a bird sanctuary in Oregon. Basically, it helps you control your beard. I think that one... I mean, we only need like $10 million to get that one off the ground. And I think this is our last one. And then the next $50 million will go to hiring staff, getting a place to work,

and so on and so forth. The first $10 million is just for us. Just for Daddy. And lastly, I think this one is the one we're most excited about. This is Frank. It's an app that connects you with a dude who's always down to grab a beer. Sometimes you want to go out for a beer. You don't want to drink alone.

You don't have somebody to go out for a beer with. There is a bug. We're still working on bugs. Obviously it's still in beta. You do have to listen to him talk about his fantasy football team right now. But, you know. All I'm saying is

we're about to be very rich. Yeah. Hey, I'm Barbara Gray. I'm Brandi Posey. And I'm Tess Barker. Together we make up the MaxFun Podcast Lady to Lady.

Each week we welcome a kick-ass lady guest. We talk about our lives, our dreams, and the terrible decisions we've made that still haunt us. We've had on great comedians like Aisha Tyler and Margaret Cho, plus screenwriters, doctors, authors, you know, anyone who's willing to be as open as we are.

It's all a lot of fun. That's us, Lady to Lady. Can you keep a secret? Neither. Shall we introduce our guest? I would love to. You know him from the Daily Show, from his books, from Bored to Death, from Married on FX, from the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Please welcome to the stage the great John Hodgman. Thank you very much. Hi, John. How are you? Good. Hello, John. How are you?

Good. Hello, child. How are you? Yeah, I know. Front and center, huh? Oh, it's very nice to see you. Yeah. Have we been making lots of scrambled egg eating jokes? Having a good time. How are you? How's San Francisco treating you? Just a quick question.

The look on the child's face I would describe as fire starter. Stephen King's fire starter. Yeah. Stephen King's fire starter. The look on the father's face next to him is sheer delight. When it should be shame. At having, in one move, both traumatized his son and fucking up this podcast. And that judge said I wasn't fit to have custody. He's saying to himself right now, I may not start a company, but I am going to disrupt the fuck out of this adult podcast.

Let's get early so we can sit in the front row. We're delighted to have you here, sir and young man. I'm not going to say that. This isn't my podcast, so I don't have to do that. Look, they've paid their $70 to see three white men sit at a table. At last we have our say. No, I'm just kidding, of course.

It's very nice to have you here. What is your name, young man? Oh, boy. Oh, my God. I blame the father. I blame the father. I blame video games. Yeah.

This is Minecraft's problem. For those of you at home who couldn't hear, the young man listed off his very royal-sounding name. It began with Benjamin and went into about 35 minutes of other names

that I couldn't hear because even as he was saying them, he was beginning to realize this isn't going to come off well. At this very young age, he's learning to read the room.

He brought it back up. He brought it back up at the end with the third, which making your father obviously must be Benjamin Raspail Throckmorton, Eileen Frances Data Hodgman II. This is my dad, Doug. No last name dad, Doug. No last name is Doug. We call him Farts. Don't point at me, young man.

Okay, here's... Okay. Listen. You get to say one more thing, child. He is doing it... Number one, I just want to say one more thing, child. He is doing it. Number one, I just want to say that this young person is showing a lot of backbone and verve, enjoying this program, playing along with these three monster bullies. Yeah.

I hope we're not imprinting onto your sexuality. I hope you don't need to be yelled at by someone with weird hair in the future. Sorry, I was at a formative age and was yelled at by three guys with weird hair. Three alternate universe Marx Brothers. Yeah.

Not even. Three alternate universe Marx Brothers. Yeah. Not even. Three alternate universe Pep Boys. Benjamin III. No, I just like that. Oh, okay. All right. That is pretty good. It sounds good.

I'm still going to call you Tripp. So there was something that you were saying to me while you were wagging your finger at me. What were you trying to say? I wanted to make the point that actually that is my name. That is your name. That's his real name. It's not made up. He just made up the third name.

And what is your age? Ten. Ten? No, eleven. Eleven years old. All right. I know. Man, twelve.

Time flies. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, 12. Time flies. Yeah, I mean, 21. Give me a beer. Yeah. Yeah, I'm 55. Let me join the AARP. Yeah, that's right. Time to retire.

Yeah. That's the ticket. I want to read that magazine and get 10% off at Motel 6. And child, may I presume that you are an only child? No, you're not. Your sister's at a taping of Tosh.0 right now. Okay. My sister's at a taping of Tosh.0 right now. We'll continue this conversation on our podcast.

We'll let see you. Very well. We'll let see you at the bar afterwards. Can't wait to get drunk with that child. How are you feeling about being here in San Francisco? Do you enjoy yourself? I can take this out of this thing. Okay, there we go.

I'm always excited to visit San Francisco, the city by the bay. I love Sketch Fest. I love Jordan Jesse Go. I feel like I've come home again because, of course, it is on Jordan Jesse Go that the character of Judge John Hodgman first debuted. That's true. I first did Judge John Hodgman on this show. And then we've had a very successful spinoff podcast ever since. I was like, I'm good times.

It's called Serial. I'm very glad to be here. Thank you for having me on your program. Can I ask you a sincere question? Because you live in Brooklyn, New York City. That's true. And you often work in Los Angeles. I know this because you travel, because I see you sometimes when you're in Los Angeles for work.

I come and visit your home. Sometimes I come and visit your home and you don't see me. That's a concern that we'll have to address off the air. You have lovely garbage, Jesse. I love your garbage. That's my impression of you, by the way, John. I love this garbage. I don't think you're sorting your recycling very well, Jesse.

Let me come by some midnight and do it for you. John has yet to appear on the Trevor Noah Daily Show, and his backup plan right now is to get on TMZ, but he's just doing a really bad job of planning how to get onto it. He's like, I got NPR host Jesse Thorne's garbage. Yeah, I'm going to start living in your backyard in a tent for a while. It's going to be on TMZ under the Brooke Gladstone nip slip.

Somebody just went, That's the right response. That was correct. Brooke Gladstone is my neighbor in Brooklyn, New York. So I've seen her nipples. Of course I have. Cool, dude.

Look, we're all very body positive in Park Slum. What's that? Sweet bra. Excuse me, I didn't mean to. That was hot. Whatever. I've seen Bob Garfield

with his pants down and dude's got a baseball bat. Who from NPR do you think has the biggest schlong? This will be fun. Who from NPR do you think has the biggest schlong? This will be fun. Who from NPR do you think has the biggest schlong? The reason I'm asking... Click and clack schlong is still fucking.

John, the reason I'm asking... Edit that out. The reason I'm asking is... Nah, dude, that's staying in. Because I feel like you have become one of those people who is obsessed with your travel status.

No, not anymore. I'm not obsessed anymore because I won. What does that mean? I did a lot of airplane flying or being flown around in airplanes to be honest. I didn't fly them. If you get to the right level, if you get to the right platinum level, they will let you fly the plane.

Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, no. If you get to platinum, you're not allowed to fly the plane, but you're allowed to touch the pilot's face at any time. You just get right up in there and do a gentle caress or a little slap. It's just, and he's got to take it. But I was very excited because I was flying around so much back and forth across the country to do the TV show Married, which unfortunately will not go to a third season,

so I miss my TV family. But I still have a great memento of my time there, which is my medallion status on Delta Airlines. I hit platinum, and I was excited, and I didn't think it was possible. But then, towards the end of the year, I had a little note saying, you're 7,000 miles away

from Diamond Medallion. Whoa. For those of you who don't know, Delta Airlines runs a program where they build medallions for their most beloved customers out of real precious materials. Were it only true

that there was actually something physical and valuable you were getting as you play this insidious video game this corporation made to get them to love you more. But in fact, there's nothing. It is not. And indeed, if they made

a medallion out of a diamond, that would be a great way to ruin a diamond. I hear that. A flat diamond is no good. I hear that if you have medallion status. Yes.

You know what? Tell me what myths you've heard. Here's what I've heard. I will set the record straight so long as I do not need to break the oath of diamonds. If you have diamond status, you can buy heroin at any airport Chili's, too. That's what the two is. It's everything they have at Chili's plus heroin. Absolutely true, but you don't have to buy it. It's everything that they have at Chili's plus heroin. Of course. Absolutely true, but you don't have to buy it.

Oh. Complimentary. I've heard there's something called unlimited P&H in the airport lounge. Unlimited pancakes and handjobs. Is that correct? Not entirely true. There is technically a limit. Like a simple biological limit.

Yeah, your own physicality is the limit. You are but a man. Exactly so. I hear you can kiss anyone that works at Hudson News. And you know, that is a part of the program, but it's a little bit disappointing because I already had that with my credit card. Oh, yeah.

So it's like, what am I doing this for? It's like when a movie's on both Netflix and Amazon Prime. Exactly. What am I doing? Right. And then you buy it on iTunes. Sure, yeah. What am I doing with my life?

I guess I just love Transformers Dark of the Moon. The real benefit of it, though, is knowing that a corporation likes you and you get an imaginary medallion. And this is what I chased. I got to a point near the end of the year, I mean, this is how insidious it is, that if I didn't fly those 7,000 miles,

everything would reset on January 1st it is. But if I didn't fly those 7,000 miles, I would, everything would reset on January 1st, and I would have to start all over again. And I knew at that point that married wasn't coming back. So I knew that I wasn't going to be flying as much in 2016. This is as close to diamond as I was ever going

to get. I thought you were about to say, this is as close to death as I was ever going to get. One is a metaphor for the other. If I don't get diamond medallion, how can I convince myself that I am a relevant, important human being? So I actually got to a point where, and you know, the travel for television almost destroyed our family because I was away so long and our children are old enough to care. They're old enough to understand

that you don't love them enough. They're old enough to notice that I'm gone and they are not sufficiently narcissistic sociopathic like Benjamin. No, he's not. He's not.

I should also point out, I think Benjamin brought a book. Yeah. That's fair. If it gets boring. No, I mean, that's the right choice. You made a good call on that one. I'm experiencing this. I would experience the strange sensation of my children actually missing me

and being sad that I wasn't there. So it was very hard on them. And here I was at the end of the year, and I found my finger hovering over an itinerary that I had picked out for myself. I knew that if I flew first class from New York to Los Angeles one more time before the end of the year, I would make it to Diamond, and I would have to pay for it myself. And it was going to be extremely expensive. It was going to cost $3,000 in order to get the imaginary medallion. And my finger was hovering over the buy button for like an hour between 2 and 3 a.m. until I imagined my son on the morning that I would leave on this jaunt. And it would have to be a very quick trip because I didn't have much time. I could only go for like overnight or whatever.

And having to say to my son, well, I have to go to Los Angeles now. And him saying, for work? And me having to go, well, no. I have to go across the country to get an imaginary medallion. I have to go play this video game where I go and I capture an imaginary medallion and then I get twice as big.

You know, you're a gamer. It's a level up. I get twice as big and then I can eat all of the dots and the ghosts of my self-hatred for a whole year. So far you're basically describing like an Orson Scott card novel. I think he can follow this.

Yeah, exactly. And then I thought about what I would feel like on the plane as I flew across the country, and I thought about what kind of human I would have been to have spent $3,000 on nothing to fly across the country, to land, to then go immediately out of the airport just to go. I wouldn't have time to visit anyone. I would have to go by myself to In-N-Out Burger and have a burger and watch the big planes land and then go back through the first class lounge and get back on the plane and fly back alone,

probably watch Mad Max Fury Road three times, drinking complimentary Fresca and whiskey, and I realized it would be the best day of my life. But I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Instead, I tricked a public radio show into flying me out to Portland. Oh! Yes! And then I got my phony medallion.

And now I'm a whole human being until January 2017. Well, we'll see how much of a whole human being you are, Judge Hodgman, because are you ready for our big quiz game? Yes. No. Yes.

That was it. You failed. That was the whole game. John, we have a quiz tailored specifically to your interests. We need an audience member to play with you. I know who it is! Yes! You have to admit he's earned it. Alright, get up here.

Benjamin Triptray, come on up. Have a seat here, Benjamin, and make sure to talk close into the microphone. Like this? Yeah, nothing is too close. This is just an error on our part. I think we were talking about getting prizes for this. I don't think we did that.

The original notion was to stop at a sex store we passed on the way here and buy whippets. Do you know you guys can do that? Listen. I'll tell you what. They're medical whippets. Yeah. You know, I'm sorry you didn't get them But just tell me where the store is

And Benjamin and I will go out And get some After the show right Yeah so I think You'll probably just be playing For something that's in One of our wallets So

Hope you like Magnum's kid John Hope you like Magnums, kid. John, it's a pleasure to meet you, by the way. I'm sorry I've given you a hard time today. It's nothing personal. It's fine. All right. He's a professional... Holy moly.

That was not your fault, sir. John Hodgman is a professional entertainer, and he also has a cold, dark heart. So I think that's what you're running into, that combination right here, Benjamin. John, now I know, if you were going to describe to me what your favorite series of epic science fiction novels that had been adapted into a single, overlong, overstuffed, noble but ultimately failed film in the early to mid-1980s... I don't know.

What would that series be? You can't be talking about Dune. Yeah, I'm talking about Dune. No, that's a perfect film. I'm talking about Dune No, that's a perfect film I do sincerely love I want to take a moment to be sincere I do really love the fact that I get to perform

for an audience where Dune gets an applause break It's one of the great joys of my life and I want to thank all of them I've never performed in front of an audience that didn't I didn't know such audiences existed It's one of the great joys of my life and I want to thank all of you. I've never performed in front of an audience that didn't applaud Dune. I didn't know such audiences existed. It's a special thing. Are you saying that my Dune jokes won't go over well at the Ha Ha Hut in Atlanta, Georgia? And Judge Hodgman, if you were to describe a level of hockey that was not the National Hockey League, but rather a level below that.

World Hockey League? Yeah, or minor league hockey generally. Minor league hockey. Okay, yeah. Great news, John. Why? We've got a Dune and minor league hockey quiz for you. Oh.

Very exciting. Well, you'll be answering questions about minor league hockey. Benjamin will be answering questions about Dune. I never even read it or seen it or watched that documentary about it. He knows about Jodorowsky's Dune? I'm playing the father! Benjamin is on top of Jodorowsky's Dune. Can you give me a quiz on...

Right up into the microphone, Benjamin. Benjamin, I also have not seen the documentary about Alejandro Jodorowsky's dune, so maybe after we get those whippets, we'll go back to my hotel room and just... Benjamin told me backstage his favorite movie is Blue is the Warmest Color. Would you prefer to take hockey?

Uh, no, no, no. All right. Speak into the mic, Benjamin. Speak into the mic. No. Okay. You know what, though, Benjamin? I think it's going to work out fine.

First of all, I do like, of all the sports, I find hockey to be the most hilarious and marginal. And I love it for that reason. But I am not so much a fan of minor league hockey teams as I am a fan of hockey teams that don't exist anymore. And there are quite a few of them. I love defunct hockey teams. Maybe there'll be some of that in there. Unfortunately, there is. Benjamin, I'm going to start with you. A question for you about Dune, okay? What was the name, I'm going to give you three choices,

one of which is correct. What was the name of Linda Hunt's character in the film of Dune? Who's Linda Hunt? Was it Flushter Flaps, Shout Out Mapes or Clue Gulliger

Those choices again What did you say? Are you sure? I thought I heard a different one I thought I heard something that rhymed with C but it must have just been me Something that rhymed with C but wasn't B That's correct

Shout Out Mapes You sure you didn't? Something that rhymed with C but wasn't. B? That's correct! Shout out, Mates. One point for Benjamin. Okay, John. Jordan, you want to give him some minor league hockey teams? Yeah, which of these is a real minor league hockey team, John? Yes. The Orlando Solar Bears. The Tallahassee

Swamp Apes, the Miami DJ Khaled riding around on his jet ski. One of them is? One is real. Solar Bears, Swamp Apes, or DJ Khaled riding around on his jet ski. I'm going to guess that one is named after DJ Khaled's

Snapchat feed. It's just him riding around on his jet ski. I'm going to guess... That one is named after DJ Khaled's Snapchat feed. This is just him riding around on his jet ski getting different lunches. I'm going to guess the Solar Bears. That's right. All I do is win. Good DJ Khaled work there.

What's that? Good DJ Khaled work. That's the one I know. Okay. Benjamin, which of the following was a real epic in the Dune timeline? Okay. Wait, what does that mean? I don't know.

You are very unhelpful. See, you know what? In a multiple choice test, figure it out by context. It doesn't hurt to guess. Just hear all the answers. The reign of the whelp, the return from the scattering,

or the inflammation of the sciatica? I'm going to tell you something right now, Benjamin. I cannot help you with this one. You don't know this? What was the first one again? The reign of the whelp. And the second one?

The return from the scattering. And that third one again was the inflammation of the sciatica. Okay, you... I have a guess. No, wait. Just give me a minute. John, it's not even your question, but thank you for talking over the ten-year-old.

I'm a grown man. The scattering of whatever it was. Yeah, that's correct. The scattering. The return from the scattering. What is... Are the answers just all B?

Geez, I hope not. Me too. What is that one from? I, uh, neither, neither does he know That's from a Wikipedia page Yeah, that's from the

Wikipedia page of Dune. Let me be honest with you. I don't love the series Dune. I love the novel Dune. I've never read any of the other novels. Boo! You call yourself

a Dune head A dune dude Is that what you guys call yourselves? Dune dudes Dune dudes Dune dude meet up at Buffalo Wild Wings If you're a dune dude Yeah

Okay here's some hockey teams for you John Give me some One of these is real The Calgary Super Mounties Yeah. Okay, here's some hockey teams for you, John, okay? Give me some. One of these is real. The Calgary Super Mounties, the Victoria British Columbia Salmon Kings, or the Medicine Hat Regular Hats? I'm going to go with the Victoria, British Columbia salmon. That is correct!

All right, Benjamin. I got a Dune question. Because I know how hockey people think. All right, Benjamin. Dune question for you. In the novel The God Emperor of Dune, Leto Atreides transforms into what? Leto Atreides. I'm sorry.

I am very sorry. Rarely have you made so important a mistake. I am very sorry. I came up with a formula about this. I think B is the correct one, and then C is the ridiculous one. Let me read them. Let's see if your theory holds up. There's only one way to find out.

What does Leto Atreides transform into? A. A human sandworm hybrid. A man-machine hybrid. A Toyota Camry hybrid. I know this. What was the first one again?

A human-sandworm hybrid. What's the first one again? A man-machine hybrid. No, no, no. The first one. I'd like to do the first one again. A human-sandworm hybrid. A human-sandworm hybrid?

Stop helping this kid win a condom. It's A, because sandworms and it's dune. Yes, that is correct. That's right. Okay, you ready for this, John? Yes, I am ready. Which of these is a real minor league hockey team? Some of these minor league hockey teams are former

minor league hockey teams. I'm not telling you that all these are current minor league hockey teams. Every current not telling you that all these are current minor league hockey teams. Every current hockey team is a former hockey team to be. Hey, Jesse, I'm not keeping track of the points. Are you? Yes. Where are we now in terms of points? Right now, Benjamin is leading 3-2.

What? The wheeling... Thus ends my help. Benjamin, don't listen to this one. John, the... The Wheeling Nailers, the Scranton Screwers, or the Farmsville Fuck Machines?

I can still hear. I am going to guess the Wheeling Nailers. That's absolutely correct. Wow. Now to Ty. The final question for you, Benjamin. Three to three. If this were a hockey game,

this would be the highest scoring hockey game of all time. Which of these is an actual Dune short story? Dune, the coming of the century. Dune, a whisper of Kaladin's seas. Dune, who's nuts?

D's nuts. What was number... What was B? What was C? It was D? What? What was C? It was Dune. No, B. Who's nuts? D's nuts.

D's nuts. Dune. That's a fun thing that we remember from the late 90s and early 2000s that we would like to bring back. Okay, so... Oh, no, a lot of fun. Jesse, Jesse. D's nuts is back. We brought it back?

Yeah, I think it was probably us. I mean, it was like a couple months ago. We discussed bringing it back, and we put it into effect. Can you just repeat the entire question? We're talking about Dee's Nuts over here. Benjamin, grown-ups are talking about Dee's Nuts. I blame the father. These kids today, interrupt you,

sorry to go off on a rant here, these kids today with their long-ass fucking names and their love of Netflix documentaries don't know when to shut the fuck up when grown-ups are talking about these nuts. Do not listen to this man. He is deeply emotionally disturbed. Do you mind if I swear at him?

No, I think it would be great if you swore at him. I'm here. Okay, as far as I'm concerned, you can fucking shut up. I am in my place this whole thing is just between us I have been put into my place I really don't like all this yelling can we get back to the Dune trivia please can you repeat the question

Dune the coming of the to the Dune trivia, please? Yeah, can you repeat the question? Dune, the coming of the century, or Dune, a whisper of Caladan seas. Okay, so the third one is just total nonsense? No, the third one was Dune, who is... No, no, no. Okay, so none of these are fan fiction. These are real short stories. By the original author? Well, the original author or his sanctioned...

His son and Kevin J. Anderson. What is number B again? Got together to make some money off of the Dune dudes by writing new stuff of which this is some of it. Letter B is Dune, a whisper of Caladan seas. And letter B is Dune, a whisper of Caladan seas. No, no, number A.

What's number A? I keep forgetting. Number A is Dune, the coming of the century. But number B is Dune, a whisper of Caladan seas. I'm going to go with number B. You're absolutely correct! Now, John, we've got one left.

This is for all the marbles. What we didn't tell you before is that the last question, if one of the players is under 12 years old, is worth two points. So while you're currently trailing four points to three, this is for all the marbles. So if I get it right, then I win, and if I do not get it right, then you...

The clock is ticking, and the stakes are high. Hi, I'm J.J. Abrams, screenwriter of... All right. I am prepared to answer the question. Which of these is a real minor league hockey team? The Prince Edward Island Apologies, the Halifax Mooseheads, or the Regina Baginas.

That's Regina Baginas. Regina, of course, being the provincial capital. That's incorrect! It is not the Regina Baginas! We have a champion! We have a champion! He will outlive you all! I know now?

Yes. Thank you so much, Benjamin. Drink up, Benjamin. Benjamin, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, I have a... Wait, Benjamin, wait. I have a prize for you. It's one postage stamp.

Is it a forever stamp? Yeah, that's a forever stamp. So you can go ahead and hold on to that and just mail a letter whenever you're ready. Huh? Russian? It's a forever stamp. So you can go ahead and hold on to that and just mail a letter whenever you're ready. Huh? Russian? It's a stamp I got at the post office. Ladies and gentlemen, Benjamin.

Yay! Well, John Hodgman, it has been a delight to have you as a guest on the program. I know you got a role, but thank you so much for joining us. Sketch Fest keeps me running around. Such a pleasure to be here, you guys. Such a pleasure to meet you, young man.

Still curious about what's motivating you, father. I'm guessing meth. Thank you very much for letting me duck out, and thank you very much for having me, you guys. Great to see you. John Hodgman, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, gentlemen. Every week on Jordan, Jesse Go,

we like you to share with us the momentous things that happen in your lives for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, please bring me the cards. Can we have James S. up here? Where's James? James S. Come on up. James, ladies and gentlemen.

Jesus Christ. Look at how luxurious James' outfit is right now. I literally wore a cape here, and I cannot match the lushness of this outfit that James is wearing. Oh, my God. James brought his own chaise lounge. I feel like instead of talking to James, I should be feeding him grapes. That'll work.

For the folks at home, I guess James is wearing a scarf and a... It's birds. Great. A bird scarf. Would you just say for the folks at home what you're wearing, James, so they can look back on all those jokes and laugh retroactively? Oh, let's see. He said loosely. I have a good pair of shoes on, let's see. He said,

loosely. I have a good pair of shoes on. That's true. I have a brown pair of slacks. No socks. No socks. Just right the fact that it's 27 degrees outside.

No socks, ever. Okay, good. Ruins the line. Brown slacks. Ruins the line of what? Your shoes? Just how I feel about life in general. Right, got it, okay.

His life has a silhouette, and he likes to keep it preserved. I understand that. Absolutely. And a green tropical print cashmere cassowary bird scarf that I bought in Hong Kong. Yeah, and you're also wearing a cardigan. Your shirt is buttoned down, unbuttoned two buttons, and both your cardigan and shirt sleeves are rolled up in case you need to get into some shit.

Basically. Yeah, I can understand that. Who knows when a scrambled egg party might break out. The lobby after the show is going to be real rough. Tell us, what's your momentous occasion? My momentous occasion is that after years of looking for a good dry cleaner, I found one that I liked. And as I went to pick up everything this morning,

the little old Chinese lady told me that for a man I had beautiful clothes, and they were very colorful. Wow. Yeah. Congratulations, James. James, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Wow. Although a little sexist of that dry cleaner.

Yeah, I think that's true. I mean, gender is a spectrum, not a binary. That dry cleaner sounds problematic. Where's Ian? Ian, can you come up? Ian, ladies and gentlemen, here he is back here. The gentleman in the plaid shirt get it? everyone here is wearing a plaid shirt

San Francisco San Francisco hi Ian how are you sir? I'm doing alright how are you guys? it's great to see you where did you get that plaid shirt? the San Francisco store? yeah pretty much

oh I'm fun. I'm from here, folks. If I get myself into trouble saying mean things about San Francisco, I know, as a San Franciscan, that at any moment I can just say, Huey Lewis in the news, and everybody will be like, yeah!

They're from here. Ian, tell us about your momentous occasion. Yeah, so last Wednesday I was on my commute home on BART. And I think around... By the way, I just want to point out that you said, my commute home on BART, and I saw four people just go, yeah. He didn't say the. Isn't that what you're supposed to say, the BART? You're supposed to say BART. You could say the. Isn't that what you're not supposed to say, the Bart?

You're supposed to say Bart. You could say the Bart. You're not supposed to say the 101. Well, great. But yeah, between 19th Street, Oakland and MacArthur, a man vomited over about five or six people on the bar train and I narrowly was out of the way but needless to say

it was pretty disgusting at rush hour. Did you dodge that shit? No, I mean it was pretty crowded. You tried to get up in it. You weren't in the splash zone. I was not in the splash zone. What do you think this man had eaten? I don't know.

He looked pretty sick. He proceeded to get off. I don't know. It was, but he looked pretty sick. He proceeded to get off. I don't know that that was his stop, but he excused himself. You should have asked him. I mean, then this whole story would have a real capper at the end. He got off. It was his stop. Ian, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Ian. I mean, just, Ian, Next time you're telling that story, it is a fun one, but I do agree with Jesse that it needs a capper. I think next time you tell that story, you just go, and that man's name was Channing Tatum. Boom. And then you leave wherever you are.

You just go home. Or you could just say the Channing Tatum of San Francisco. That's Dave Eggers. James, where's James? Come on, James. Here he is, James, ladies and gentlemen. I call him Jimmy. James, I like your shirt, buddy.

I call him Jimmy James I like your shirt buddy Are you here to close Ian's loop? Where'd you get that? The Oakland store? Right guys? Now everybody that used to live in San Francisco Lives in Oakland So they got pushed out by the tech people

James tell us What your momentous occasion is. Well, first of all, tell us what kind of software you write. I'm an architect. He's an architect. Okay. You work mostly on foosball tables? Yeah.

What's your momentous occasion, sir? I was coming to work uh over the weekend and um i a homeless man alerted me to a golden eagle that had hit the b of a building down by house of shields so i waited out for this is some fucking specific ass shit sorry specifics are the soul of humor there you go people people across the world right now like just just some dude that teaches English in Japan and listens to Jordan Jesse Go to feel less alone. You laugh. That is 90% of our audience. He's like, right, I understand that a golden eagle hit the B of A building,

but what bar was it near? Was this an actual golden eagle or was this a figment of the man's imagination? It was golden It was an eagle Golden eagle So is a golden eagle That's like a Maltese falcon, right?

That's just a myth perpetrated by people who are lit by horizontal stripes from Venetian blinds. Could be. I feel like you're speaking in code, but I don't know what you're talking about. Are you here to deliver a message? Are there any code breakers here today?

Does anyone speak Navajo? Well, cool. Is there anything else? Well, cool. Is there anything else? Yeah, no. So I was waiting around, waiting for animal control to come and help this animal. Where were you hanging out? Like over by House of Shields? Yeah, no.

Cool, cool. Yeah, yeah. I was hanging out on the curb. Right. And a homeless person that frequents the alley came up to me and said, Sweet Al, is this yours? Yeah, okay. That's a capper, folks.

James, ladies and gentlemen, knows how to close a story. Holy shit. And that owl's name was Channing Tatum. We have one more. Where's Faye? Faye, can you. We have one more. Where's Faye? Faye, can you come up here, please? Where is Faye?

Here she is. Give her a hand. Where he is. Can't quite tell. Too dark. She. She. Yeah, okay.

Here we go. Faye, have a seat. How are you? Where'd you get that haircut? The San Francisco haircut store? I do it myself. Nice to see you. Welcome to see you.

Welcome to the program. Tell us about your momentous occasion. I had my likeness stolen for a Japanese porn video game. Fuck you. Are you serious? What does that even mean? I have 90 questions. I don't know if this counts

because it's not super new, but a couple of years ago I was... Nah, this is way better than that owl shit. I mean, that owl shit was a solid piece of business. I'm not trying to put down James. No, of course. The owl stuff was good, but it ain't shit compared to this. So I was at a party at the GDC Game Developers Conference,

and it was pretty late. Everyone was kind of drunk. I hear those are pretty wild parties. They were kind of fun. What kind of shirts do people wear there? Plaid, right? This. She just indicated these shirts.

These shirts. There are two kinds of shirts, plaid and Ninja Turtle. Yeah. So I ended up talking to a guy who was obviously visiting from Japan for the convention, and we're talking a little bit. Everyone was pretty drunk, and he said, So I ended up talking to a guy who was obviously visiting from Japan for the convention.

And we're talking a little bit. Everyone was pretty drunk. And he said, oh, in Japan, virtual girlfriend games are very popular. You could be in one of those. And I was like, okay, whatever, crazy guy. But then like eight months later, I found a game that had me in it in the outfit that I was wearing. Hold on, pause. Time out. Yeah.

When you say, I found a game. Sure. How does... Well, they don't publish them over here, so you have to look. Sure. So you were just... You had already...

You had beaten Assassin's Creed Unity. You 100%ed that shit. All the side quests. What am I going to play next? Japanese dating sim. Dating is a rough term. Okay, sure. So you...

Okay, so in what ways... In what ways was this character, who I'm assuming was dealing with a tentacle in some way, in what ways was this character similar to you? Same haircut and the same outfit. To be fair, you have the same haircut as most Japanese cartoon characters. She was the only blue-haired character in the whole game.

It could have been that lady from Are You Being Served. So your theory is that this man, you met at the developers conference, saw you, was inspired, and then went back to Japan and created a virtual you for this game. Yes. And you're not seeing any residues from this? That's what I call residuals because I'm in the business. That's why I said stolen. But, you know, international copyright law, what am I supposed to do?

Are you getting any action out of this? I'm married, so... Yeah, are you getting... How's the husband like it? You can ask him. We're getting two thumbs up from the husband yes

thank you very much thank you our champion our producer is Brian Fernandez this is Jordan Morris I'm Jesse Thorne thanks to the SF Sketch Fest

our tech crew in the back who have so capably helped us the house crew in the front who charged you all that money for wine thank you very much yay Jordan Jesse Go You've so capably helped us, the house crew in the front, to charge you all that money for wine. Thank you very much.

Yay! You're going to see Jesse go. Thank you.