Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 414: Fat Rips and Sweet Riffs with Sara Schaefer

Episode Date: February 8, 2016

Comedian and writer Sara Schaefer joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Octonauts corrections from last week's show, Jordan's dream wedding, and people from their past who they can't find on social media.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's very moody in here this evening, Jordan. Yeah, an evening record. Yeah, this is a rare occurrence for us. And Colin, the senior producer here at MaximumFun.org.

Well, I'll give you a little background, Jordan. Please. Oliver Wang, Dr. Oliver Wang of Pop Rocket is a whiny baby. Okay. He didn't like the light in the studio. He felt it was too harsh. Sure. Now, I would if I was less enlightened.

Yeah. If I was some sort of Neanderthal chump. You would say it was because he was a coastal elitist? I would maybe say he should change his name to Oliver Pussy. But. But. But. Because I. No one.

Pussies are strong. Pussies are strong. Everyone knows that pussies are strong. They can push out a baby. Yeah. They create life. Yeah. So me calling Oliver Wang. Yeah. Oliver Pussy. Right. Would create life. Yeah. So me calling Oliver Wang. Yeah.

Oliver Pussy. Right. Would be incorrect. Right. So I'm not going to do it. I'll call him Oliver Dong. That's cool. Yeah. I mean it doesn't really rhyme or What about Johnny Chode? Yeah sure. Let's call him Johnny Chode. He's a great guy Oliver Wang. Sure. But he felt the lighting was too

harsh. So senior producer Colin Anderson. I'm here at MaximumFun.org, went to a bazaar in Bangkok and purchased an LED light that goes into the hanging industrial lamp inside of this studio that has a remote control, like a little remote control, like on a Bose wave radio. Sure. That changes colors. And we went with a kind of lilac. No, it's nice.

Are you sure that Colin just went to Bangkok for this lighting rig, or do you think he also slipped in a little sex tourism? I can only presume that he slipped in some sex tourism. I mean, he's happily married. Sure. Well, you know. His wife could have come with him. Went mean, he's happily married. Sure. Well, you know. His wife could have come with him. Went in Bangkok.

Bang some cock. Sure. Why not? That's what they always say. Why not? I think that's what they always say, Jordan. I also think they say that. So anyway.

Yeah, but it's nice. I like it. It's got a nice vibe. It's not a black light, but it does feel dormier in here. Yeah. I feel like I am recording a Lenny Kravitz album right now. Cool. Just close your eyes.

Just close your eyes and imagine those sweet guitar solos. We have some things. Before we introduce our guest, I think we have to address some things from last week's episode. Martin O'Malley dropped out of the race. Martin O'Malley dropped out of the race. I think it was because of the flurry of Octonauts related corrections that he received on Twitter. For our guests and new listeners, you know, the worst thing in the world, I think we can all agree, the worst thing in the world above, you know, genocide and famine. Right. Is when you speak off the top of your head on a podcast about something that you kind of sort of know about and then get a flurry of corrections on Twitter. Yeah.

So to kind of make us more productive and to kind of make our lives easier, we have people direct their comments to various presidential candidates. Right. It was Ted Cruz for a while. If you have a correction for us, it was directed towards Ted Cruz. We wanted to be bipartisan, so now we needed to direct them towards Martin O'Malley. But now that he's dropped out- We're going to have to pick a new presidential candidate. Yeah.

How about this? Let's ruminate on it. Okay. Maybe get our guests to weigh in once we introduce them, which we have not. That's a good point. And then by the end of the show, we will have figured out a new candidate to bother every time we say something about DC Comics or Stax Records that you think is know, we didn't give the gravity it deserved. Exactly. So.

Booker T and the MGs. For instance. The Octonauts, I said, were a family of underwater bearmen that did explorations. Okay. Okay. I asserted that they did not live in an octopus house and that one of them was probably a squid. The information that Martin O'Malley has received on Twitter is as follows. There are eight octonauts.

The one that seems like a squid is, in fact, an octopus. One of them is a turnip. And several of them are other animals. However, I refuse to accept the validity of the other animals. I insist I'll accept the turnip and I will accept the octopus. Although I question the logic of having an octopus themed group in which only one of the members who is not the leader is an octopus. He's just coincidentally an octopus. Okay.

But those things having been said, the rest of the creatures are bearmen. Okay. That's confirmed by me looking at my children's toys and identifying, I know the difference between a bearman and not a bearman. It's a bear-like man. There's a variety of types, but it could be a sun bear. Maybe technically not a bear. I'm not sure.

Yeah, I think those are marsupials. But the point is, it's a family chairman. We'll figure out who to bother with that later. And okay, number two. Apparently, they have eight pods in the octopod where they live. Now, in my defense, I try to avoid watching this show. I just sort of overhear it from the other room sometimes. It's really important not to watch shows with your children.

Sure. You don't want to guide them through it or something. You don't want to know what kind of messages and values they're getting. You want that to be a surprise. Yeah, exactly. know what kind of messages and values they're getting. You want that to be a surprise. Yeah, exactly.

It's like if you gave your mother her Mother's Day present and you hadn't wrapped it. You want them to have that moment of, what is this? Sure. And then they figure it out. That's how they become adults. So you want to just gradually find out, maybe a couple years down the line when your kids are six, seven, you're like, oh, you're very religious. Yeah. Apparently we were setting you down in front of some evangelical Christian shows.

I just thought that was stories about vegetables. Yeah, no. Yeah. No, those tales. Yeah. Those tales were about more than just vegetables. In my defense, the octopod, as constructed for the home enthusiast, I know this because I put the fucking thing together, has four pods. I don't know if you're supposed to buy two and glue them together.

There are definitely four pods. Maybe they're selling the pod. Maybe this is the racket here. This is like a two-foot-high octopod. This is not some pocket pod. This is a huge thing that I had to bring home in the car from the Bay Area after Christmas. Fully assembled. So maybe.

It has four pods. I recounted. Can you buy, is this a, you know, remaining pods sold separately kind of deal? If you want to complete the Octonauts podtorium? Do you have to send away for the other ones? You think I'm going to get some kind of Octo catalog in the mail? I don't know. I'm just, I'm asking. Am I going to write away to L.L. Bean's signature?

Sure. Their heritage brand. Nice denim Octopod. Yeah, flannel. So here's mine. And I don't want to, you know, we've given a lot of time to the Octonauts. Yeah. So your complaint. We are sponsored of time to the Octonauts. So your complaint.

We are sponsored this week by the Octonauts, the British children's television show. That may or may not be religious. Hard to say. Yeah. No way to know. So your initial complaint that started this discussion was what? Can you refresh us? Yeah, I can.

Here was my complaint. There's a plot line on this show where one of the characters goes inside what he believes is an underwater cave, and it turns out to be the gaping maw of a whale shark. Is that whatever kind of training you have, and I'm sorry to yell, Jordan. Sure. You know that I hate yelling, but this really gets my goat. Sure. This really gets my goat, Jordan. Yeah. Well, and you're fully erect, too.

I can see it. You are having some sort of anger boner. I am long and proud. Hard as a diamond. Yeah. Whatever kind of training you receive in order to become an Octonaut, and I'll grant you, I do not know what the training is, but one presumes that there's some kind of training course. Sure. Even a correspondence course should give you the basic skills to identify the difference between an animal's mouth and an undersea cave. So do you remember?

I was just playing devil's advocate. Always the peacemaker. It's tattooed across my back. I think playing devil's advocate is the opposite of being a peacemaker. Go ahead. I'll do either. You know, when in Rome. Sure.

Do you remember what my potential explanation was? Yeah. Do you remember what my potential explanation was? Yeah. Well, you said that they could have been – it was a vast and gaping maw that they could have been swept in there thinking that the whale sharks could think that they were krill. But also maybe I had a more practical storytelling explanation. Do you remember what this was? You got to save the cat. Well, partially.

It's an old screenwriting trick. When you do the pilot of a TV show. Right. A lot of times. Right. I mean, and I've written a lot of pilots in the day. Sure. Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.

Right. The Single Guy. Yeah. After MASH. Yeah. Those are all of mine. I write the pilots and I leave. I get out of there. The Tortellis. I get out of their house. Those are all of mine. I write the pilots and I leave. I get out of there.

The Tortellis. I get out of there. House. That's one of mine. Sure. The pilot of a TV show, a convention that is often used. CSI Milwaukee. Is you bring in, especially when it's a workplace, which I think the Octonauts fundamentally is.

It's a workplace show. Yeah, that's true. Right. I remember we talked about that. We compared it to Mary Tyler Moore. You bring in a new hire. And so you show them around. And they're sort of an audience person.

They're an audience circuit. Right. So they learn about the world as you are learning about the world. Right. I'm on the Octonauts Wiki here. Okay. Can you give me a URL for that? Yeah, it's octonauts.wikia.com.

Got it. So if anybody else wants to visit out there, it's a lot of fun, very informative. Is it safe for work? So, yes. Yeah. This looks good. Yeah, you can see,

you know, there's some side boob here, but you can just, I mean, there's side boob on a HuffPo, you know? Yeah. Episode one, series one. This is a British show, so they call a season a series. Right.

Episode one, series one, Octonauts and the Whale Shark. When Dashi is swallowed by a whale shark she thought was a cave, the Octonauts venture inside to rescue her. side to rescue her. So, maybe somebody was a little hard on a little children's television program that apparently has airtight storytelling.

And that show is called Paw Patrol. Should we introduce our guest? Yes. She's been waiting so patiently. Right. You know her as a beloved stand-up comedian, television writer, and personality. She's delightful. She's charming.

She's wearing a varsity jacket. I'm just trying to paint a picture for people here. Yeah. The wonderful Sarah Schaefer. Hi, Sarah. Hi. Thank you so much for your patience. I really had to get that.

That was longer than usual. I didn't know this was an Octonauts fan podcast. I didn't know. Oh, I'm nothing if not not an Octonauts fan. That's a double negative. Let me just say what the experience was like for me just now. Please, yeah. There was a slow, you know when you like,

when you're just like the slowest of something coming into focus? Right. Like something's coming at you from the distance and you don't know what it is. Sure. And slowly you just pick up different clues. Like a Spanish galleon. And you're like, oh, it's a horse. I didn't know what we were talking about at first.

I didn't know if it was a band. I didn't know if it was the name of your fans. Sure. I literally had no idea. And then slowly I was like, oh, I think it's a toy. No, no, it's a show. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm glad that you can eventually.

I figured it out eventually. Yeah, sure. You're an audience surrogate in that way. I have heard of Paw Patrol. Okay. Good for you, Sarah. The last thing you said. Wait, why have you heard of Paw Patrol?

My nephew, my three-year-old nephew watches Paw Patrol and he gets really excited. He'll go, Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol. Yeah. It's really cute. That sounds very cute. It's got a pretty cool power pop theme song, Jordan. I think you might enjoy that. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it goes, Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, be there on the double. Oh, yeah. He sings that. And his version is very intense. Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol! Paw Patrol! Be there! Sounds like a cheap trick B-side.

Yeah. He's a little smash core. Sure. How much time with this nephew do you spend? Well, he now lives in Virginia, which is where I'm from. Northern, southern, central? Central, Richmond. Northern, southern, central? Central, Richmond. Richmond, Virginia.

Tribute to the great, beautiful city. Great tribute to the Civil War. Capital of the Confederacy. People are like, oh, that's not, Virginia's not really southern. I'm like, hmm. Yes, it is. I've been to Richmond, Virginia. Beautiful city.

But yeah, they used to live in Arizona. And I have, my two sisters also live in Arizona. And they've got all, there's just a whole bunch of kids. So did this nephew move to Richmond just of his own accord? Yeah, he's alone there. He just wanted to start anew. Just making a life for himself. Yeah.

No, he's got his brother and his mom and his dad, and his dad is my brother. And then they are about to have a little sister, too. That's going to make three. Yeah. Little sister makes three, it sounds like. It's an exciting time over there. I was just there for 10 days in January. It was fun. Plus, they got Paw Patrol.

They got Paw Patrol. Does he have a favorite? Probably Rubble, right? I don't go that deep with that one. It's probably Rubble. You don't know the specific names. Yeah, he doesn't. I'm sure if we sat and watched it.

He's a construction dog. But like you, I let them watch TV alone. Yeah. It's for the best. Sure. Let them watch some Beavis and Butthead. They don't want you in there. My kids mostly watch Arliss.

Like it's 75 or 80% Arliss. You know, that's probably tough because, I mean, as a big Arliss head myself, I signed up for HBO Go. Right. Because I wanted all that Arliss at my fingertips. I mean, I'm talking not only at home, on the go, on mobile, on my iPad, on my iPhone. I want to be able to boot up an Arliss wherever I'm at. Right. Not on HBO Go. There's a separate Arliss app. Oh.

You didn't get the Arliss app? Sure. Arliss now. Arliss app. Oh. You didn't get the Arliss app? Sure. Arliss Now. Arliss Now. Now. Yeah. It was a similar. It's like a 360 deal.

So they got, it was FX Network's bid on Arliss. So they got not only the rights to rerun it on television, of course, on the Arliss Network, but also there's the standalone app. It's a multi-platform standalone app. There's a website. And they have the touring business for Arliss Live. Sure. Arliss on Ice.

Arliss on Ice. Is it holograms or is it the real cast? Oh, Robert Will tours with it. Oh, that's great. But the rest of the cast is holograms. They're all dead. Yeah. Yeah, boy. Tough living on the set of Arliss. A lot of dead. Yeah. Yeah, boy.

Tough living on the set of Arliss. A lot of coke, a lot of late nights. And then you got Arliss land in Dubai. It's in the United Arab Emirates. Sure. Yeah. The UAEs are real into Arliss.

They love Arliss. United Arliss Emirates. Although. Yes, the United Arliss Emirates. To be fair, if you go to Dubai right now and you say to people, you know, what's your favorite television show franchise universe, you'll get a lot of people will say Arliss. And I'm not, I mean, Sarah, I'm not trying to, you know, I'm not trying to contravene what you're saying. It is very popular.

But significantly more popular is Dream On. Love me some Dream On. Yeah. I would say that mostly it's like 70 Dream On, 30 Arliss. The king of Dubai now is this guy from Dream On. Yes, that guy. I keep forgetting the places still have kings. That would have worked a lot better if i could have remembered his name yeah it's weird isn't it yeah yeah and they can have people's hands cut off yeah it's so funny yeah hilarious kings i saw i saw the queen of england on the

antiques road show yesterday oh yeah yeah she was personally appearing on it? Yeah. Is that like, is that is that to the UK like Obama doing a Funny or Die video? Yeah. It's just like so charming and like down to earth? Yeah, I think so. They showed her a few objects and walked her through. It was, now

Sarah, the UK Antiques Roadshow, the real Antiques Roadshow. See, that's the thing. I've never seen the UK Antiques Roadshow. Where Antiques Roadshow see that's the thing I've never seen the UK Antiques Roadshow where do you get all this UK content I don't know where are you streaming it

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Let's say that. Okay. I have a really good cable package, and that's how I get most of the television shows I watch. Okay. All right. I think you commute here from Wales. No, I watch it on MLB.tv.

Oh, good. Yeah, you can stream that. It's a little workaround you do. Any out-of-market game. Sure. Or antique valuation program. Sure. From the UK.

British version. And I actually got an add-on for Undersea Bearman. That would be great if the queen just had like an old pinball machine she was trying to sell. Like just shoves it in. Anyway. That's a lot of fun. Do you guys know they still make new pinball machines? I went to a pinball area.

No, they don't. They have a Game of Thrones pinball machine. Can we back up for a second? Yes. Pinball area? Yeah. You know. Is that an area of the city? I don't know. Yeah, the pinball district. It's out in the Nevada desert. Yeah.

It's a secret government installation. They don't want you to know about it. It's right next to Kick the Can Alley. Just like 70s children's games. I mean, I could see, number one, I don't think Kick the Can was something that was going on in the 70s. Oh, they were kicking cans. Really? As late as the 70s? Yes. I was kicking cans in the 80s. You got to Oh, they were kicking cans. Really? As late as the 70s?

Yes, absolutely. I was kicking cans in the 80s. You gotta kick cans in the 80s. Didn't they kick the can? The cans were different. What part of the 80s did you grow up in? Hobo times? No, all of them.

Manchester in 1927? I was born in 78, so I had the full 80s experience. Yeah. They have a gay, so they're... I think, okay, I would say that downtown Los Angeles could very well have a pinball district. There is that bong street. Yeah, there's bong drive if you need.

New York City has a lot of those little, like, it's the Diamond Alley. And then there were places I just called, oh, that's Shoe Row. That's where all the shoe stores are. Sure. I think that's great. That's a very uniquely New York thing. I love it. I would love, I just want to use that bong district so bad.

I don't know when I will have an excuse to get wholesale bongs. Maybe like for my wedding, like as wedding gifts, maybe as like centerpieces. Oh, that would be nice, like with some gardenias. Yeah. Or some really sticky buds. And just give everybody a little piece of cheesecloth. Uh-huh. And it's tied at the top with a bow.

Mm-hmm. It has me in the name of my beloved, whoever that ends up being. Whoever that may be. It could be Sarah Schaefer, for all we know. Well, let's listen. A lot would have to happen. I hear wedding bells ringing. A lot of steps.

We're having a lot of fun. What's that sound? And I don't know how she'll react to this idea of the centerpieces, which is kind of a deal breaker for me. Oh, okay. It's going to be a deal breaker. All right. We'll get through it. So if you're not nuts about it, this ain't going to happen.

Yeah. Sorry. Do you have a little cheesecloth? Yeah. Tie it at the top of the bow. It's at everybody's seat. They undo the bow. Cheesecloth, you know, unfurls.

Sure. Get a little jar of bubbles. Uh-huh. And they're going to blow those when we go to our car because it's more environmentally friendly. Right, right. Birds could grow on them. Yeah. Birds could choke.

And just all the carbs. And I don't want that for the birds. Right. They're trying to slim down. Yeah. They just what I mean? Birds could grow on them. Birds could choke. And just all the carbs. And I don't want that for the birds. Right. They're trying to slim down. Yeah. They just got a P90X. Sure. Yeah.

Can I just say, have you ever been part of the bubble send-off at a wedding? Oh, I've been, yeah. I've been part of many bubble send-offs. It's terrible. What do you not like about it? Because they never work. They don't work. Bubbles don't just come out.

Everybody's like, it's just liquid. It's like they're spit. It's awful. People just spitting at the bride and groom. What kind of wedding are you going to where the guests can't handle something that my two-year-old can do? Okay. Let's talk about when you take the wand out of a bubble thing. Wait a minute.

Does shit just get real are you blowing a bubble immediately a perfect stream of them no you gotta get it going nobody's doing it the same time it's a fucking mess it doesn't work well i mean i think i think sparklers is the way no i think i sparklers are fun sparklers are fun i think with a bubble i mean i think the ones you're getting in bulk for wedding, you know. Get a bubble machine. No, that's probably fun.

That's what you do. I guess these are probably not very high quality. Right. But I mean, with bubbles, it's all about the speed at which you dip and blow.

It's a slow, Yeah, and nobody's going to do it at the same time. Well, maybe they should fucking learn how to do it. I don't know. Oh, you're going to get

your old elderly aunt to like do it right and everyone's yelling at her. I don't think it's the, listen, I don't know. Oh, you're going to get your old elderly aunt to do it right and everyone's yelling at her? I don't think it's the old people. Guys, we don't need to yell about this. I think it's the goddamn millennials. It is. You think millennials can't handle it because all they believe in is video games? They're too busy poking and twitching.

Right, twitch.tv. They're too busy twitch.tv-ing, streaming their Rocket Leagues and Mario Makers. Watching vines of... Sure. Of a biracial teen pissing in his Air Jordans. Yeah. That's what vines are, right? Tripping over his Air Jordans.

But yeah, continue. Well, I've seen some different vines. They're a lot of fun. I mean, I think, yeah. I mean, but I think, you know, we all grew up with the simpler pleasures. We know how you do. How you just slowly dip a bubble wand. Kick the can.

Delicately. Hooping. Anyway. Hooping a stick. So the cheesecloth unfurls. Hooping a stick. Hooping. I'm sorry.

Hooping is when you put things up your butt in prison. Sorry about that. Hooping a stick. Hooping. I'm sorry. Hooping is when you put things up your butt in prison. Sorry about that. Hooping a stick. Chasing hoops with sticks is what I wanted. So you got this bong as a centerpiece. Okay. Cheesecloth unfurls. Right.

A little thing of bubbles. Right. A little baggie of potpourri. Mm-hmm. Some dank nugs. That sounds really nice. And while we're having our first dance, everybody fucking just takes a huge rip. Just takes a fucking rip.

Just pulls a fat rip. Just pulls a fat rip. Yeah. The sound all at the same time. Yeah. And you dance to that. You dance to the sound. Whatever the bubble noise is.

But if people can't get the bubbles together, how are they going to pull those rips? Well, we're not going to fucking invite dorks to our wedding. We don't know how to take fat rips. I'm speaking on behalf of my future wife here. Okay, yeah. It's like we don't want anybody at our wedding. And her aunts and uncles. And her aunts and uncles.

You can't pull a fat rip or play a riff. You know what? Fat rips and sweet rips. Sweet rips. That's the theme of Jordan's wedding. Fucking go on our web our wedding website you know who the wedding band is my friend the doobie brothers oh yeah oh yeah i love the doobie brothers love those doobs oh yeah it's gonna be a beautiful night we're gonna be so skags in there yeah yeah give me if you get the Doobs to play some Skaggs.

Yeah. Do you think the Doobs know any Skaggs? The Doobs will bring in Skaggs. Yeah. I think Boss Skaggs has toured with the Doobs. They're friends. They like to hang out at each other's summer homes. And if you go see them at the Mountain Winery, you go see the Doobies at the Mountain Winery,

Boss is going to come out. He'll sit in for a couple. Hey, boys. Want to play JoJo? Yeah. Then they'll play his hit song, JoJo. Sure. Yeah. Boz gags, ladies and gentlemen.

So, Sarah, you prefer a sparkler as the wedding send-off. Yeah. Okay. You're running through like an archway of – a human archway of sparklers. There's a bit of danger to it. Yeah, you might get singed. Sarah, are you married yourself? I am not currently married.

I was married. I did have a wedding. We did not do that. What were some of the things that you did on – I like to say it's the bride's day. You know what I mean? From my perspective, it's your day. When you're getting married, it's your day. say, it's the bride's day. You know what I mean? From my perspective, it's your day. When you're getting married, it's your day. Well, that's the lie.

If you got married again, what would you do differently also? I'm not getting married again. Never? No. What if you fall in love? I'm in love. I would get married legally if there was an extremely good reason, but I have zero interest in ever having a wedding again. You didn't like having a wedding?

I loved it. It was magical, but it was magic, which isn't real. No, you know, here's the thing um i just don't believe in uh for myself um that i need that in my life anymore you know i grew up fantasizing about a wedding and even though i was like a very independent woman and like thought of myself as like really feminist even from a young, young age. You paid your own bills. Yeah, absolutely. And I... You flew across the Atlantic? Yeah, I flew a solo flight.

And I murdered several men. They had a cabin. I haven't gotten them all yet, though, so kill all men. But no, the... Just a quick question. Yeah. Do you plan on killing us before this is over? We'll see.

Oh, I like that. That is a fun element of surprise. Will I be murdered? A real ticking clock. Yeah, sure. But yeah, I really believed in the whole like soulmate wedding thing, the traditions and all that. And then it didn't work out. And I realized I had put a lot of stock into something that I let movies and society and all that.

Arliss. Arliss especially. Sure, yeah. Really influenced me in thinking. To a certain extent, HBO is real sex. Yeah, and thinking that my value was tied up in being loved by a man and having the day of the wedding was the proof of it. Isn't that weird? It was like the proof that I'm a valid person.

And then realizing like, oh, no, this has nothing to do with my humanity and validity of like these trappings of – I mean I still love going to a wedding and I love love, but I get really squeamish now. I'm embarrassed when I'm at a wedding. I'm like, oh my God. Because you know that it's just going to end in divorce. Yeah. No, not that. It's more about like when people are doing things, I can tell like they're, when they've just done the thing, whether it's like, oh, I have five bridesmaids and there's five groomsmen and the bridesmaids are wearing the same color dress or they're wearing the same exact. Like all those things. I'm like, you didn't think that has nothing to do with your relationship with this man. Sure.

Like these are just things and trappings and like and especially when the relationship isn't isn't solid. And especially when the relationship isn't solid, like those things, I think, you know, they say the bigger the wedding, the less likely they're like a legit relationship. But I don't really believe that. I mean, I had a very small wedding, but it was very grand. I went to a huge wedding in my wife's family. Monstrous. This had to be a $100 dollar wedding uh that literally the marriage fell apart within six months oh my like a monstrous way the big easily the biggest wedding i've ever been to that's bad yeah that's bad basically immediately thereafter i waited

three years so you know um at least you know no there was no expectation to return the gifts or anything like that. Thank God. Yeah, geez. What would you do without that stand mixer? Well, that's – It's got attachments. You can make sausage. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's one of the – I was trying to write jokes about divorce for a while and some of them stuck and some of them didn't. But one that I never really fully developed was about like part of the pressure. Like one is – it's two things things one is like you got up it's embarrassing when you get divorced because you got up in front of everyone and swore to god and all these people you would never leave this person forever you would never leave him that you know at your age that you you know what's going to happen. And I know I'm never leaving this person. It's never going to end until one of us dies.

And so then it's like really embarrassing when you like – and everyone pays you with gifts. Like here's a Dyson. Like now – Keep your fucking promise. I gave you a dyson yeah um you got a dyson i don't mean to yeah you got a dyson seems like your friends are some high rollers it was family but um okay but but yes they are my family's not high rollers but um well they got dyson money so they're doing something right. And then my other joke about it, which audiences get nervous when I say this. I'll be like, you know, people ask me, like, did you know when you married him?

Did you deep down? Did you know? It's like a women always asking me that. Yeah. Because they're fucking scared they're going to marry the wrong guy. They're like, did you know deep down that it wasn't going to work out? I'm like, yeah, part of me did, probably, but I didn't recognize it at the time. There were things that were wrong with our relationship, but I didn't know they were deal breakers because I had – he was my first boyfriend that I'd ever had.

So like I really didn't know what I was doing. Sure. And now that I'm in a long-term relationship with a guy that I really love, I realize there's something that I would do. And it's here's how you tell if you're with the wrong person. Close your eyes and imagine them dying. And if your feeling inside is overwhelming relief, you're with the wrong person. Because I would have like – you know, you just – I'll like imagine – I'll just – you know, you just have daydreams that are like compulsive. Like you didn't put it in there. You weren't like, I'm now going to imagine death.

You just imagine something like a car accident happening or whatever. I would like just have a flash of him dying and then I'd be like, well, then I could start my life over. Oh, good. That would be fun. That would be fun. Everyone would feel sorry for me. And oh, and I'd meet a new man and we'd fall in love and just fucking crazy shit. Now I understand murder.

Now I understand because women, I would say statistically, this is me inventing a statistic. But I think most women who murder are murdering a husband. And that's because we have set up this institution of marriage to be so fucking important that it would be easier to kill the guy. Because they always – like I watch a lot of like discovery – like murder TV, like discovery id and lots of dateline and stuff i when women when women kill the husband they're always like she just wanted out yeah and it's like did you not hear about divorce uh it's possible it's very acceptable these days you don't have to crush anyone's head with a brick no you don't have to try and get away with it and all that stuff if you do have a plan for how you're gonna murder us at all uh no no i never really thought about murdering someone

um i thought about i've i've like imagined them dying in an accident and then being like oh that would be great hmm uh that's so fucked up uh you know, a funny thing about dating into your 30s is how quick you sit down with someone and have the where do you stand on the big social norms conversation. Like that I feel like you will have over the second dinner. You know, it's like, well, let me – what do you think about marriage and kids and stuff? Because why waste time? Sure. Yeah, exactly. Has that been a weird thing to talk to somebody about the I have been married and I don't want to get married again and maybe you'll be disappointed?

But here's that. Oh, no, because I'm – well, I'm trying to – there was like a year and a half, two year window of me being single between the divorce and my current boyfriend. And during that time I learned very quickly, like I was really naive. I just like had never dated. I learned, was learning a lot of really crazy lessons very quickly. One of which was, um, don't talk about the like, and the fucking tragedy of your divorce for an entire first date like i really didn't know yeah you know i was like and i was like looking back i was like oh my god i fucked that up um but you know i didn't really get far enough with anyone for that to i mean

i would just be like yeah i'm divorced and it fucked me up and i'm just like living my life but then when i met my current boyfriend um i had already figured out that I didn't want to get married again and he had no problem with it at all. And I always remind him, I'm like, do you understand you hit the jackpot? Like I don't need an engagement ring. I don't need you to propose. But I'm like, so don't like take advantage of that. Sure. And you still could do something really big for me. I would fucking love it. But you now know you don't have advantage of that. Sure. And you still could do something really big for me.

I would fucking love it. But you now know you don't have to do it. So maybe do something. So the jackpot, don't have to buy an engagement ring. No. You don't have to pay for a huge, splashy wedding. Yeah. And you're bringing your own Dyson.

Yeah. You're bringing a Dyson to the table. Plus the sewers. Oh, no. Who's your lawyer? You got fucked. own Dyson. Yeah. You're bringing a Dyson to the table. No, I lost the Dyson. Oh, no. Who's your lawyer? You got fucked. I got fucked. Did you get to keep the stand mixer?

No. What about the attachments? No, not the attachments. Because I thought even if you didn't have the stand mixer, you could probably get the attachments to work if you attach them to like a power drill or something. I think I got the food processor maybe. That's all right. It's pretty good. It's an art. Is set of queues and art you know yeah i didn't want any of the i kept the dishes for a while um yeah it's weird when you're i left him so it was like um and i would like i researched like what do you do when you get divorced like i'm googling it and like everything i read would be like still yeah you know if you're the one ending it you're gonna feel guilty so

you're gonna give more to the person and then a year later you're gonna be like why the fuck did i let them have so much i mean it felt we broke we didn't have much to divide up so we divided up things and the dividing up conversation probably was one of the worst days of my life. I mean, it's really so fucking sad. I mean, I was with him for 10 years. It was so sad and so painful and just like so still. The conversation was so like just the rage underneath. We were just like, all right, I don't fucking care.

You can have it. I mean, it was awful. It was awful. Yeah, boy, I could almost see like it being easier to like let's throw everything away. all right i don't fucking care you can have it i mean it was awful yeah it was awful yeah boy i could almost see like it being easier to like let's throw everything away do that i believe it just i know i have a friend who lives in an incredible house that was like newly remodeled like just fucking great and it was like a couple that like got married and then six months in it fell apart and they just left.

And then now he rents this really cool house. I feel like I have to get a new couch every time I have a big breakup because I'm like, yeah, I don't want to sit on this fucking bad luck. Yeah. Awful couch. Stuff like that is weird. But, you know, enough changes. I mean, I remember he stayed in the apartment that we had lived in for a really long time, and I just couldn't understand that. I'd be like, I wouldn't be able to stay here.

But he chose to stay there. And I actually have no idea what he's doing or where he is. It's probably a fucking sweet man cave now. I don't think he lives there anymore. Plus, you get to have sort of the wind blowing through your hair, and you can set up anywhere. You just park it and hook up the sewer and electrical. If you find a good RV park, you hook sewer and electrical, and you put up that awning. And then there's this whole community of RVers that, you know what I mean? It's great.

Are you in the Good Sam Club? What? It's a club for RV enthusiasts who just like to support each other and hang out, be friends, cook franks and beans, that kind of thing. That sounds like something I actually would like. I guess I'm assuming I don't know a lot about divorce I just assumed

that you got a Winnebago I got half a Winnebago we share it which half? the back half yeah it's amazing that you guys I know what's up

and it's really amazing just kind of a testament to you sticking to your guns is that you guys can travel America in a Winnebago and not keep up with each other,

like not have any idea what the other one is up to. It's weird because, like, I really – I'm revealing things I've never really said before, but I hope – We have a reputation for bringing that out of people. I really hope he doesn't listen to this. Yeah, chances are low, not a popular show. But we really – So if there's a time to be very raw, it's on this program. You do not want to do it with Marc Maron because everyone listens to that.

No, no. I wouldn't do that. But this, I'll tell you his name and his address. Sure. What's going to happen? No one – no. No, I – just to be – for the record, I don't – I never wanted him to die. Sure.

Yes. That was a jokey thing I thought of. Sure. Yes. That was a joking thing I thought of. But I think what it really was was a feeling of wanting to escape and being unhappy and not knowing what to do. But, right? You know, but I know we're not. I know we're not. I know. And I knew going into it, he probably would, that it would be this way. I had to be ready for that. Like, because I just know him and he doesn't forgive. I mean, not that he's an unforgiving person, but just, he just doesn't.

When someone would fuck him over or not even when someone would piss him off, they would just be dead to him. He's one of the, he's an Italian Catholic, like from Philly, like they're dead to me. Yeah. And I know I'm dead to him. It's,

I don't, I, we said that we weren't going to say your ex-husband's name, but yeah, is it Rocky? It's Rocky. Okay. You know,

a funny thing about, yeah, I mean, I feel like so you can see the, yeah, the trouble with that. Yeah. It's Rocky Balboa. relationships are, you know, oh, we don't speak. And if we see each other in public, it's weird. Like, but that's like a skill that I feel like I've learned and gotten pretty good with is like breaking up with someone in a nice way. And then, you know, having some sort of friendship, whether it's close or, you know, you can see them out without it. Right.

That's what you want. I have that with guys that I had dated after him. Yeah. We're cool. And I feel like I, you know, I think everybody, this is a common thing is people talking about like wanting to like re-have sex with the first person they ever had sex with because like, oh, I'm like so much better at it now. I know all the sex stuff.

I was probably fucking shitty at it before. So let's, you know, can we get together and re-have sex with each other so I can, you know, show off a little bit. I feel like I want to re-break up with people because I can like, ah, I can do this better. Yeah. I'm sorry. Ah. You know, I should listen.

I can mulligan. Can I, can we? I have horrible regrets about the way we broke up. Sure. But I also have things that he never was, he never, I mean, he blamed me. Sure. A hundred percent, you know, even though at first he was like. Well, you're a woman and you have m he blamed me. Sure. A hundred percent. Even though at first he was like – Well, you're a woman and you have menses.

Yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it. Because he – I did it wrong. I broke up with him in the wrong way. And then I gave him the fuel he needed to put together a narrative of Sarah's a psycho who dumped me and fucked me over. And in a way, I don't know. I'm like, I never got a thank you.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, thank you for the story. Because I had to go tell everybody in my life that I just wasn't in love with him anymore. And that's a really hard conversation to have with your family. You know, people want you to have real reasons. I mean, legally, they want you to have real reasons. I mean, legally, they want you to have real reasons. Sure.

Like, oh, did he beat you? He lost the big fight. Yeah. Did he beat you? No. Is he gay? No. Did he cheat on you?

No. Did he, you know, and like, but it just was not the right relationship for me. You know, but I don't know. I hope he's good. I hope he's good. I hope he's good. Is his name at Rachetacular? No. Is that someone from our Reddit?

It's your one Reddit person? Yeah, pretty much. Lothreeper. These are the people who listen to our show. There's only a couple of them. But yeah, he blocked me out of his life completely. So I don't know. I only know like snippets of information.

Like I think he may have moved. I don't know. He's training a new fighter. He is. He's training a young black man. And it's going to seem like a cash-in, but it's actually going to be pretty good. I think it's going to have a lot of heart and a lot of really entertaining performances in it. Do you use Facebook to check in?

Is that something that you have done? Oh, okay. So it's been an interesting experience of like – because he blocked me almost immediately. Sure. And his whole family blocked me um and then but there's ways you know to check up on someone like the app ways yeah ways to get a map to their house you say where does this person live and then you just sit outside their house for a while um you can stop at a kfc along the way it'll give you a little ad you can wear a diaper

just in case you gotta wear a diaper if you see them with a new girl you have to press that little ghost yeah sure to report it because otherwise you're not going to get ways points yeah like there was one person in his life that like he was close to that like didn't block me so i would just sort of check her profile for a while in the hopes of a picture i mean like literally i had no no idea yeah yeah and um that wouldn't give me much um but milestones like oh his sister got married oh uh or his you know his sister had a kid or or oh like just profile pictures like because there was a while where like i could see the profile picture but not anything on the page or but if you don't you know there's different ways of like there's different levels of blocking and privacy on facebook um and then i threw a friend

of mine like who knew mutual friend of ours told me who he was dating and then i'd be kind of like started stalking her page but like we weren't friends and she had everything private but i could see her profile picture so if her profile picture featured him, I would know something. Right, right. Sure. You know, and it's just curiosity. I'm, you know, and like it was a very traumatic breakup for me. I mean, it was like a major event in my life, like so major.

And I just wanted, we didn't have a lot of closure. So it was like, I just, sometimes information feels like you're somehow getting through it. That closure thing is so weird. It's like a, what is this for? You know, yeah, you feel like you, right. You're like, this has equal chance to make me feel shitty or better. And I don't know what it's going to be until I look at the fucking thing. I mean, I spent my entire 20s with him. Yeah. And then nothing. You know what it's going to be until I look at the fucking thing. I mean I spent my entire 20s with him.

Yeah. And then nothing. You know it's very strange like and the thought that we would never speak again. I mean you know sometimes I'm like I should reach out to him and then I'm like but no he he shut me the fuck out of his life and this is what he gets. Now he has full access to me because I have podcasting. Sure. Now, he has full access to me because I have podcasting.

I tweet what I'm doing. And, you know, it's all part of my, like, comedy. Yeah. But he doesn't actually know what's going on in my life because I don't really like, especially now, I don't project what's happening personally as much as I used to because I had a podcast where I would say, like, every week, like, well, this is what happened. I like your podcasting voice that you used, by the way. Thanks. Welcome. Like every week, like, well, this is what happened. I like your podcasting voice that you used, by the way. Thanks. That was welcome. Struggling with some seasonal depression. Let me tell you about my interaction at the bodega.

Like it really just. Cleveland, you're on the line with Secretary Kissinger. But yeah, like he can, he knows what's going on in my life if he wants to. Okay. I don't have that option. Sure. Can I suggest? Yeah.

I'm not a therapist. I'm not an IT consultant. I'm not a professional athlete. I'm not a chef. What was I talking about? Just things you're not. You're not a therapist, but you have some advice. You have some emotional advice.

Check out what kind of LinkedIn endorsements he has. That's my tip for you. Oh, get into the LinkedIn thing. What kind of endorsements does he have on LinkedIn? I've never really been on LinkedIn. Well, can I tell you one thing that happened that was really amazing? It's great for networking. Yeah.

This is a cautionary tale. Please. If you're doing reconnaissance on the internet, just trying to get a morsel. Yeah. I just want to know that he's okay.

I just want to know what his life is. What is his job? What is he doing? You know, like, um, how's his mom?

So, yeah, seriously, like, I want to know. Is he still a part of that adult kickball league? Yes, like, yeah. Seriously. Like, I want to know. Is he still a part of that adult kickball league? Yes.

Like, yeah. And I – because I don't hate him, you know? Sure. Like, I, like, still think of him fondly. So he was dating this girl. I mean, he might still be dating her. I'm not sure. And for a while I could, like, see maybe her Instagram or something.

And then, like, I got blocked. I was like was like oh she must have figured out who i was and like maybe blocked me or maybe she did some app to see i don't know i'm like she knows but then one time yeah like there's a mystery app that tells someone when i'm yeah so my only way of accessing information would be and it still is is to go because i see here's the thing he had blocked me across all platforms sure but on facebook i quit a couple i deactivated my account a couple years ago and started like a very private page and then have a fan page so because you have to have a private page to run a fucking fan page it's like right social media makes me crazy so um but was like, oh, he doesn't know because it's a different name. And I'm like, he ain't – he hasn't blocked this account.

Yeah, you could. So I can at least see the picture and the location. Like I – because most people I think nowadays have gotten smart on Facebook and they keep everything private unless you're friends with them. Sure. So you can only see like their profile picture or whatever. But that was more than I had before. So I was all excited like, oh, I can see at least a little bit. Right.

You can see what David Buster sees. And I could see her. Yeah. Like I saw her page and it was like a picture of them holding hands. And I was like, oh, my God, they're together still. Like, you know, I'm just looking for anything. Sure. And I noticed one day I was on my phone and I was like, it had been a while. And

by the way, I do this maybe once every six months now. I mean, it's been like seven years. Like I don't do this often, but every once in a while I'll be like, what's he doing? I don't know. And I'll just Google his name just to make sure he's not dead or something, you know? And like, and I was looking at her Facebook profile just to see like, they still live in Brooklyn do they you know and I saw that it a little check had been marked off and it was like friendship requested like pending friendship pending like at some point I had accidentally clicked the like plus sign oh no and I don't know when because it was like and it could have been like so she knew she probably knew like it's so embarrassing but it's like what

you're not you know what are you gonna do like you have full access to my life like you can just literally look at anything i do and know where i am basically generally like what i'm doing what my career is up to but you don't have have any – I have no information about you. So like can you blame me? I'm just curious. Sure. She's just curious, folks. Just curious.

You're listening to Just Curious with Sarah Schaefer. I'm just curious. Like where are you? When you – the accidental – because I mean Facebook is a bad website. It's not a fun one to be on. It isn't. And it has so many little nubbins and boopins. Yep.

When you're scrolling around and if you're not – I'm not a graceful man. If you're all thumbs. I'm all thumbs. I'm bad on my feet, bad online. Jordan Morris 2016. If you're all thumbs. Going to this, like, it's a little step. You're like, oh, we meet on our app that we're using. Yeah. And then you be friends on Facebook. And that's like a little step. It's like we're taking this a little more seriously. Opening yourself up a little more. I want to see, right.

And then, you know, there's the cursory. I want to look down all their photos. Right. You want to see what kind of endorsements they have. I want to see, yeah, you want to see who they're hanging with, vacations they've took, weddings they've been to. I want to see who they're hanging with, vacations they've took, weddings they've been to. And I feel like I want to do it with jeweler's tools because if you click that fucking three-year-old picture, you are – You're dead. You're scum.

Have you seen the meme? You are scum. Have you seen the meme? It's like somebody – like a jewelry robber in the lasers. You know, like in the lasers you know like when uh in a high short Catherine Zeta-Jones yeah Catherine's in the trailer for Entrapment like yes she's in all the lasers yeah and it's the meme is like when you're like three years deep in your ex's like Instagram and you're trying not to like you're just like I'm not gonna set off the alarm yeah it's so i've done that i've done that for sure like but more on like friends that like maybe we have an estranged

relationship oh yeah going deep into their you know and i accidentally like the worst is if you like accidentally like like some like when you there's so many deep levels you can stalk someone so like you can look at their instagram well So you can look at their Instagram. Well, then you can look at their tagged photos. Then you can look at the comments on the tagged photos. You can go deep. And so if you accidentally like something that's on one of those deeper layers, it's really fucking embarrassing. You weren't just looking at the photos. You were looking on the comments of the photos and are therefore a scumbag.

And also, did this happen at 2 a.m.? Yeah. On a Saturday? Sure, right. And also, did this happen at 2 a.m.? Yeah. On a Saturday? Sure, right. Why were you doing this? I was recently, I recently visited my middle school. The head of my middle school is a girl I went to middle school with, which is very interesting. She and I exchanged emails before I visited, and she asked me how my middle school girlfriend was doing,

who I also dated briefly separately in high school. We also went to high school together. We went to a prom together. Not only do I not know, there's literally no information about her. I was like, how is she doing? I Googled her name. There's no information about her in the last 11 years. Oh, isn't that interesting?

Some people are really off the grid. Yeah. What is she doing? How is she not on any of these things? But she might have gotten married. She has a very distinctive name. She might have a different name. She might be married.

That's true. I tried to find a pen pal that I had. I had a real live pen pal. Okay, so remember chain letters? Sure. They were like legit. You would get it in the mail and it would be like, you better copy this letter and send it to 10. Oh, yeah.

And then there were kind where you would send it to the stranger. You would create a little list of different people's addresses and then you'd send them a letter and it was a way to like meet people all over the country or whatever. Well, there was this girl on this list. I got a letter in the mail. It's actually how I met my wife. Oh, that's so great. A chain letter. It's actually how I met your mother. mother um so yeah the uh the chain letter i started up a pen pal ship with this girl in like ohio anna budeno yeah budenot i don't know it was like a french name pronounced an octonaut

anna octonaut um and we had like we would write like novels to each other we'd write store short stories and send them to each other. We would send big envelopes of things and we would record our voices. And I like years later like had forgotten about her and was like, I want to find her. And I was like, I can now. Isn't that amazing? And then I couldn't and I was really sad. I can't find – I've looked for a close childhood friend,

Travis Bridenstine for a while. Cannot find him on anything and he doesn't seem like an off the grid guy but maybe when he went to college

he did a, you know, he smoked the ganja. He could have gotten married and took in his wife's name. He could have. Took in. I miss him.

Took did, excuse me. Miss him every day. Anyway. Travis Bridenstine. Miss you, Big B. We should get Mark Maron to mention his name on WTF. Sure.

And then people will write in. Then people would hear it, yeah. I just did a video that was out this week for Fusion, that network. Sure, that's a hot new network for millennials. Yeah, and I did a little thing. It's a very cute little internet video with lots of jump cuts and graphics and things. It was me talking about social media and how it's like bad for your mental health. And like but how you can't get rid of it because you need it kind of for your business or whatever.

And somebody left a really interesting comment and they were – and I was like that's put in such a nice way or just a eloquent way um he was like you know i quit social media for one year because it was making me depressed completely and he said and i actually missed it and it was sad because it has changed the way we interact with people in our real life he's like so people are so dependent on social media now that like he goes, I would miss out on things. I wouldn't, I would miss out on social events. Sure. People rely on social media to keep up with each other's lives.

So they don't call you or text you and say, how are you? They assume you have seen the picture that they put up of them at the Blue Bayou at Disneyland. Or that you got engaged. People rely on social media. Maybe they had that nice Monte Cristo at the Blue Bayou. Or on Splash Mountain at Disneyland. Sure, having a nice Monte Cristo. Sure, or maybe on Tom Sawyer Island.

Yeah, having a nice Monte... You could get a Monte Cristo anywhere at Disneyland. I thought that sentiment was like, it's true. It's like weird, you know, we, social media, there's definitely going to need to be a balance somehow. Guys, we've talked about this for an hour. 15 minutes on the Octodots, 45 minutes on this.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Allegra Ringo, a dog owner. And I'm Renee Colbert, a dog wanter. And we host a show called Can I Pet Your Dog? The podcast for unapologetic dog lovers. You can find us every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. So, now what is this? Is this just a podcast where all we do is talk about dogs?

Sort of. We definitely have a segment called Dogs We Met This Week, where we tell you about, you know, dogs we met this week. We also have a segment called Dog Heroes, as well as Cool Dog Tech and Stupid Dog Tech. We also have some of your favorite celebrities. Lin-Manuel Miranda, who did Hamilton, has been a

guest. We've got Leslie Margarita. We've had Nicole Byer, Ann Wheaton. All the best dog-related celebrities. So check us out every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. Can I pet your dog? Can I pet your dog? Renee and Allegra.

C-I-C-Y-D. Yeah! Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Sarah Schaefer. Canadian. She's too dignified. She's a dignified young woman.

She's a dignified young woman. Hey, we've got a sponsor on this week's program, Jordan. Jordan, Jesse Goh, supported in part by our friends at Warby Parker. A new concept in eyewear. Prescription glasses starting at $95, including lenses. Hey, Sarah Schaefer, nice glasses. Where did you get those? I actually did get them at Warby Parker.

That sounds like a great value for glasses that attractive. Well, I didn't pay for them. Okay. Well, fair enough. Well, if someone wanted to pay for them, that'd just be $95, including lenses. Let's just say a boyfriend who doesn't have to buy an engagement ring. Actually, no. It was MTV.

Ah, our friends at Music Television. They wanted me to experiment with different glasses because of the glare. And I ended up buying Warby Park. They bought them for me. And that was very nice of them. And these have been my signature frames for probably going on three years now. Well, let me say this. Warby Parker is not only great if you need a great value on eyeglasses, it's great if

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They let women be priests now? That's – don't. It depends on the denomination, Sarah. Sure. Look. I'm spiritual, not religious. Look, I'm spiritual, not religious. Hey, guys.

Go to warbyparker.com slash JJGO and order your free home try-ons. warbyparker.com slash JJGO. Warby Parker makes your experience completely risk-free. There's free shipping all around. warbyparker.com slash JJGO for your new signature frames. Oh, yeah. Jordan, speaking of free shipping, if you go to putthisonshop.com right now and use the code FULLCHORT, you get free shipping on any of a broad variety of gentlemen's accoutrements.

Just for gentlemen? There's no women's stuff? I think there's a lot of things ladies might like, too, but it is oriented towards gentlemen. Okay. Look, anyone wants a silver Vesta case that's shaped like a pair of trousers from the 1880s? Vesta case is where you keep your matches so they stay dry. Okay. Okay? That could be for boys or girls.

Look, anyone, everybody wants that. Totally. Go to putthisonshop.com. Use the code FULLCHORR. I just put up a bunch of gorgeous woolen blankets, which, now that's something that anyone from any gender can appreciate. You're talking to a real blanket head over here. Oh, really? You're a blanket?

Oh, my God. No, I'm actually not joking. What do you like? Throws? What do you like? Throws? Do you like a mohair? I fucking love blankets.

You like a Pendleton? Oh, my God. A Pendleton. We got a few Pendletons. I want a Pendleton so bad. But I like to make my own blankets. Oh. I also, like, when you see me at a home store, like, or any, you know, any kind of boutique

that sells home goods of any kind. Like a home goods. You will see me, yeah, like a home goods. But especially in the boutique-y, goods of any kind. Like a home goods. You will see me. Yeah, like a home goods. But especially in the boutique-y, like, you know. Like a boutique-y kind of. Like it's boutique-y. Like it's boutique-y. Yeah.

Like a real kind of tiki. Like home goods, but more boutique-y. It's like tiki, but with a boo on the front. Sure. Like a tiki tie kind of, you know, like a tropical. When you see me go into one of these stores, you will, it's compulsive. I will touch and feel up every blanket in the place. I will just be like.

What kind of blanket are you looking for? What's your dream blanket? I love all types. I love a throw. I love a quilt. I have one of my prized possessions. When I moved to L.A., I carried it physically on the plane with me because i if anything was to happen to it in the move i would never be okay with it it's a quilt made out of my

mom's clothes she's dead so it's extremely important to me i'm sorry to hear about that that's okay the quilt i mean it's never gonna be okay but um but the quilt is amazing i mean it really worked out um no the quilt is like my prized possession but it was it couldn't have been better because i love blankets and to have a way to remember her and her to be around me this is so great i have a one of my other my other one is called a zig zigzag zigzag is a blanket that a family friend made for me when i went to college. Sort of a special blanket for dank nugs. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm not going to lie that I had a blankie when I was little. I still have my blankie.

Well, my blankie is gone. Well, I've got mine on hand at any time I need some comfort. Sure. Just pull out. My blanket's called Cubby. Just pull it out. Pull it out. Put it between my fingers. Blankie was it out. Put it between my fingers.

Blankie was... Yeah, put it between your fingers. That was the whole point. I like to put mine down in the webbing. Yes. Well, see, my blankie was at this point... When I had it as a baby blanket, it was some sort of knit, and then it had a satin edge. Sure. And all I had

left of it, I had tattered it up of overuse. And tattered it up and it of overuse and tattered it up sure yeah uh as a wild wild spring break a wild spring break um and it was just a a little strip of um satin just all gnarled up and knotted up and it was like about a foot long and i would carry it like in between my fingers and then i sucked my thumb i actually still do which is a whole other conversation but i would suck my thumb and hold blankie up to my nose and the smell of blankie was just like probably like a boob in my mind like like reminiscent of like skin and like it is boobish yeah yeah and um and uh yeah blankie got left in a hotel and i was

and then when i was older when was this three four years ago it was in miami um no um no the it was in a hotel in richmond actually my mom used to like my mom was so into christmas and she would have us go and stay downtown in the nice hotel in Richmond because there were lights down there and the hotel was decorated all nice. And we would just go downtown and stay in a hotel for a night and then go see Santa Claus the next morning at Talheimer's, which was like – or Miller and Rhodes. Those were like old department stores. When you say old department stores, you mean whites only? Definitely whites only. Yeah.

But yeah, I left Blankie in a hotel. And it occurred to me when I was like much older, probably in my 20s, that my mom may have just taken Blankie. Because it was definitely time. Sure. It was way past the point of being was this was a this was a tough love situation like what if she made me think that we had lost it yeah and i thought my first thought was it's funny that you mentioned it because cubby for a while was living on a farm where she could run more sure now that i think about it yeah oh poor cub Cubby. But yeah, I thought at first I was mad.

And then I was like, but that would mean she still has Blankie. And I was so hopeful that she had lied to me. That's how bad I wanted Blankie back in my mid-20s. And I went into her room and I was like, Mom, I need you to tell me the truth right now. And she was like, what? What have I done? He's your real father. Whoa, okay.

I had a blanket question. I can't even tell you what it is because it's so crazy. But my mom yelled out something really crazy like that in an argument I had with her. Sure. When I was 21 years old, she yelled out something. I'm from another time. No, no. It was something about like her past that she was just like, because I was saying, she knew that because I got divorced after she died.

I stole you at a bus depot. She did. I used to be in the Kiss Army. Yeah, I'm not going to stop guessing. I was a general. Oh, you're getting warm. Stop guessing. It's making me nervous.

Okay. But no, she. General in the Kiss Army? Admiral in the Kiss Army. I guess an admiral would be in the Kiss Navy. Oh, that's true. Yeah. Let's be right about it now.

Sure. Rear Admiral Starchild. Yeah. I went into her room and asked her about Blankie and she said, no, we really did lose blankie in my heart. Thank you. Yeah. And all those feelings just came rushing back. Did it smell like boobs in there?

Yeah. Well, warbyparker.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. Just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. You guys, I'm so excited to introduce to you my new baby, Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness. This is going to be a really fun look at things that I find curious, whether it's a menstrual cup. It might be the Romanoff family. It might be fracking.

It could be Carly Fiorina. I don't even know. Who knows? It's going to be whatever I think is interesting. I can't wait to bring it to you guys. We're going to be bringing in content experts. I'm going to be learning the things. It's only going to take about 30 minutes for you to expand your baby brains with me and have a super fun time. So I can't wait to see you on our first episode of Getting Curious. It's Jordan, Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation Jordan Morris, boy detective

Sarah Schaefer, queen Yas Yas, queen Yas Yas, queen Yes Queen of my life, queen of Yas. Yas, queen. Yas. Yas, queen. Yas. Queen of my life, queen of everything. Yas.

Queen Bey. Sure. Yas. Oh, wait, that's Beyonce. But I am Beyonce. Oh, cool. Inside. That's lovely to meet you.

I've always wanted to meet Beyonce. This is a real thrill. Real thrill for me. The people that most people know as, the person that most people know as Beyonce is Beyonce on the outside. Inside, Willard Scott. A lot of people don't know that. People don't realize that celebrities switch bodies a lot.

It's something that they give you when you get verified on Twitter. Yeah, when you get into the Illuminati. You're allowed to switch bodies with other celebs. You can jump into different flesh vessels. Was this another wardrobe thing at your MTV show? Yeah, they were like, come into this room and they told you how to do it. And, you know, you both have to hold a skull at the same time. And then you say some stuff and then you...

Alas, poor Yorick. I was referencing that movie. What was that movie? Hamlet? No, there was this body switching movie with the father and the son, like Freaky Friday, but it was somewhere in the... It was Judd... Nelson?

Judd... No. Hirsch? Yeah. No. One of the Judds. No. I don't know.

Why not a Judd? Judd Ashley. No. I'm really bad with celebrity names, so I don't like to say anything. So this was like an 80s body switch movie. It might have been Fred Savage. Okay. And they both held like a skull.

And they were like, da-da-da-da-da. I can't believe I don't know what the fuck this is. Don't know. Sorry. Well, you don't really know what it is either, so don't yell at us. When something momentous happens to you, like you grab a skull with your dad, who's Judd Hirsch, and you go, da-da-da-da-da-da. It's not Judd Hirsch.

You're going to make fun of me when it is. This is what happens. And you switch bodies. I'll go, it was, it was Tobey Maguire. See, this is why we need a presidential candidate to direct all this shit at, because. Judge Reinhold. Judge Reinhold. Judge Reinhold.

I wasn't that far off. That was close. Pretty close. Judd is close to Judge. Yeah. What was it called? Have you been watching Judge Joe Brown? Yes, I've been watching Judge. No. What was it called? Have you been watching Judd Joe Brown? Yes, I have been watching Judd Joe Brown.

I love it. Every day at 3, I turn on Judd Joe Brown. That's fun to me. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. Jordan, what's that number? 206-984-4FUN. For our segment, Momentous Occasions, let's have one momentous occasion

this week. The movie was called Vice Versa, 1988. Thank you. It seemed odd that they would put the year in the title. Guys, shut up. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. Calling you with a momentous occasion that happened over my family.

I'm sorry, family Christmas. We were having a discussion about road trips. Wait, pause it, Brian. And my grandmother started to talk about. Nothing momentous ever happens to me. But something momentous happened. And I thought I got to mention this on our segment momentous occasion. Please.

I was driving in Highland park california it's a neighborhood in los angeles slash city i don't understand why los angeles neighborhoods are also cities i have not figured that out nine years in there was a big conversion van like a 70s conversion van like the kind that would have uh like an aztec dude painted on the side or like a wizard. And there was a middle-aged woman leaning fully out of the passenger side window. Like I'm talking about full torso out the window. Okay. And like she was husky. It was like a huskier middle-aged woman.

And in one hand she had a hairbrush, and in the other hand, just a three-foot long wig. And she was just brushing the shit out of it. As they were driving? It was parked. Okay.

But she was just like, Honey? I'm not gonna brush the wig inside the van! Yeah. Gonna get wig-leavens all over the place. Yeah, just gone on up

out of there. Okay, let's take this call. It was pretty momentous, I thought. I don't know, I dons all over the place. Yeah, just gone on up out of there. Okay, let's take this call. It's pretty momentous, I thought. I don't know, I don't ever leave the house. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. Calling in with a momentous occasion that happened over my family Thanksgiving, I'm sorry, family Christmas.

We were having a discussion about road trips, and my grandmother started to talk about one of her friends who had just bought a doll to put in the side of her car so she could drive in HOV lanes on the east coast. As she was, as grandma was describing the doll, it became more and more apparent it isn't like just a mannequin that you stick in. And then grandma said, you know, it's one of those blow up dolls that you get at the truck stop so the, you know, it's one of those blow-up dolls that you get at the truck stop so the truckers can put it in the HOV lane. It became pretty

apparent that my grandma's friend had bought a blow-up sex doll to put as a passenger in her car to use the HOV lane. So somehow our family managed to not break out laughing, but the second we got into the collar, we all looked at each other and went, was Grandma talking about sex doll? Sure enough. Have a good day. Bye. You know what would be a good thing to put in the passenger seat of an HOV lane?

Three talking animals standing on each other's shoulders, but they're wearing a trench coat. That would be fun. That's the way to do it. standing on each other's shoulders, but they're wearing a trench coat. That would be fun. That's the way to do it. On the subject of older people maybe not being keen on something.

Truck shops. Truck stop savvy. Yeah, truck stop jizz receptacles. Right. It's every day on at midnight before old Chris Hardwick gets out there and does his rehearsal, the stage manager, who's a delightful man, a lovely man, a nice old kind of Hollywood lifer. He gets up there and just kind of does a quick run through of the script. And just, you know, so for cues mostly. Mostly it's like this video plays then, this graphic comes up then.

And he's got one of these voice. he's got one of these voices he's got one of these i'm an old hollywood lifer voices and you know he's seen a lot of shit and he's got a million stories and he's just a great old guy well you want to talk about burt reynolds let's talk about i know burt i was at muso and frank's with burt reynolds and you know right and there was uh there was a line in the script that mentioned fuck boys. That's F-U-C-C-B-O-I-S. Yes, and it was spelled that way in the script. Right.

And he pronounced it fuck-bwas. The traditional French pronunciation of fuck-bois. Fuck-bois. Beautiful pronunciation, too. Beautiful. You can tell he is maybe taking some French. Originally from Montreal, maybe? Sure, I don't know.

You know what's great? I'll tell you the things that are really great about Montreal that they don't talk about. Sure. Because people talk about continental and all this different stuff. Number one, they have great bagels. They have a special kind of smaller bagel that's really amazing. Okay, that's number one. Number two, great restaurants in Montreal.

A lot of people don't know that about Montreal, but really great restaurants. And the third thing, of course, is the fuckbois. The fuckbois. Yeah. Fuckbois. Get some great fuckbois. The fuckbois. Yeah. Fuckbois. Get some great fuckbois. If gravy on them. Yeah, exactly.

And cheese curds. Gravy and cheese curds. Yeah, it's really tasty. It's nice squeaky cheese curds, you know. Do you know what we're talking about, Sarah? What? Fuckbois. I know what a fuckboi is.

I deal with fuckbois all day long on the internet. That's what the internet is made up of, a series of fuckboys. Yeah. God. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Sarah Schaefer. Hey, guess what, Jordan? Hmm? We just announced Max Von FunCon East is on. Do it. It's happening. Get in there. Labor Day weekend.

Get in there. You know about regular Max FunCon, which has a secret lineup, so we're not going to talk about why you know, Sarah. Okay. But now people who can do the math, you know? Sure. Those people who have done a lot of escape rooms, they can probably figure it out. You know what I mean?

Escape room enthusiasts. Plus paintballers could probably figure it out. Sure. Those people who've done a lot of escape rooms, they can probably figure it out. You know what I mean? Escape room enthusiasts plus paintballers could probably figure it out. Yeah. Also, if I don't know, you do bar trivia once a week. Can I tell you about how I found out

about what Max Von Kahn, that it existed? How did you find out? Yeah. I was in an airport in maybe somewhere, somewhere in America. And you saw a group of the best looking five people you'd ever seen in your life.

And I thought, where are you going? I want to go with you. No, I was in an airport traveling for comedy of some kind. And someone came up to me, a girl. And she was like sarah shaffer and i was like yeah i mean i've been definitely at this point not getting recognized very much at in fact almost never had it ever happened and and i was like yeah and she was like oh my god i'm a huge fan of your podcast and then we started talking about that and then she was like and we just were having small talk she's like oh i just came from that. And then she was like, and we just were having small talk. She's like, oh, I just came from Max Fun Con.

And I was like, what is that? And she told me and I was like, that sounds fucking awesome. Yeah. What? Cool. Well, who knows why. Sure. And then I looked it up.

This is so interesting. Sure. Max Fun Con East, we're going to have deposits in the next couple of weeks. And the tickets are going to go on sale fully in April. But just so you know, it's on, like Donkey Kong. And I hope that you'll come. Mostly because I don't want to lose a bunch of money on it. But also because it'll be fun if you come.

It's about as fun as it gets. Sure. Max Fun Con East. Sarah Shafer, let's say I'm a young fuckboy. Sure. And I'm interested in following you on social media. What would I go to? Like an at Sarah Schaefer probably? No. No.

I'm at Sarah Schaefer one. Okay. Because that was at the time. At Sarah Schaefer two was taken? Yeah. And I love two. But no. This is the dumbest reason.

I joined Twitter pretty early after it became an app. Or I mean it wasn't. I don't even know. After it was a thing. Yeah. After it became alive. And I didn't know that it was going to be a big deal. Mm-hmm.

And I joined it. And I chose the username SarahShafer1, even though SarahShafer was available, because SarahShafer1 was my AOL instant messenger name. Hey, there you go. And I wanted consistency. Yeah. Now looking back, what was I fucking thinking?

Yeah, that's why mine is BlazeBoy420. At BlazeBoy420. Jeez. You know? But Sarah Schaefer went across all platforms. I'm on the Insta. I think that's a fun branding element that you can lean into. Snapchat.

Mm-hmm. My Facebook fan page has been revamped recently but i've i've met someone from facebook and they were like come here and i'll show you some stuff and it was creepy how quickly they were able to do things to my page i was like you're really in there aren't you sure and you're like can you tell me anything about my ex-husband yeah i was like can you really in there, aren't you? Sure. You're like, can you tell me anything about my ex-husband? Yeah. I was like, can you get in there for me? Periscope.

Oh. I don't periscope as much as I used to. I love periscope. I used to dance on periscope. Sounds like fun. Yeah, that sounds fun. I would set it up so I could see people's responses on my TV, but it was like you couldn't see the TV. I had it all set up so I could dance and interact with people without being

like right by the phone. And, um, that was fun. I need to periscope more. Yeah. I think we could all agree. You got it.

We could all probably all pair in 2016. We could all be periscoping more than we are. Get them, get them, get them. Sure. I need to exercise more. I need to drink less.

I need to periscope more. It's time. It's the, yeah, it's the three, the three pillars of a wonderful life. Yeah. I need to exercise more. I need to drink less. I need to periscope more. It's time. I'm almost 40 pretty much. It's the three pillars of a wonderful life. More exercise. I need to get a convertible.

Less alcohol. And, of course, a convertible. Yeah. Throw it into gear, baby. Sure. Top down. Sun's out. Bun's out.

Wait, sun's out, bun's out? Yeah. I ride in a convertible ass up nice yeah really that's the way we like to drive a convertible hands on my ankles sure that sounds fun and dangerous it's not safe fun and dangerous you don't have a lot

of center of gravity yeah you crash a lot in the back of a convertible okay guys I also want to mention one last little bit of business here. Max Fun Drive's really right around the corner.

Sure. It's coming up in March. Lots of fun shows. Get ready to support MaximumFun.org because we're going to be relying on you. I'll never get

my convertible. Mm-hmm. Much less my fuck plaz. Mm-hmm. Come on, fuck plaz. We know you're out there. Brian Fernandez, the producer on the board, laughing so loud his laughter pierces the soundproof booth. We always appreciate his enthusiasm.

You can join us on Twitter and Facebook at Jesse Thorne at Jordan underscore Morris. Use the hashtag JJGo over there. And, of course, on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com, where you can meet Sarah's ex-husband, Lawthreeper. And lots of other fun folks. Jordan, are you leaning into the microphone because you have something important to say? Nope. Good.

I like to give you visual cues that I'm about to do something, but then not do it. Keeps you on your toes. Jordan just went, huh? Oh, no, I was just inhaling and holding up a finger. I have nothing to say. Yeah, go on Reddit. Cool. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.

we'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse go. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.