Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 415: Bone Xylophone with Dwayne Kennedy

Episode Date: February 15, 2016

Comedian and writer Dwayne Kennedy joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of what makes a good uncle, Dwayne's Donald Trump theory, and Jordan's new neighbor audio mystery.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, king of uncles. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Yeah, that's right. You got a new nickname. I got a new nickname and a new niece. Cool. Oh, hey, well, well, okay. So, I don't want to take away from your

special day. And because, I mean, I think the birth of a niece... This is my day! It's all about the uncle. This is my day. That's why I'm wearing my tiara. The wedding is about the bride. Yeah. And the birth of a niece is about the uncle. Bingo! Some people say it's about the parents. No. The OBGYN.

Right, yeah. No. The doula. No. The doula? No. The doula is there to make sure I have a good experience. So you've not been an uncle for that long. That's true. What makes you king of the uncles? Are you just, is this a, you know, are you preempting this? Is this like a king of pop thing where you're like, if I just say it enough?

Well, I mean, I already have my career in the Jackson 5. Sure. That's true. Which is, in this case, is my legacy of literally decades of uncle quality humor. Mm-hmm. And just uncle lifestyle choices like spending all my money on records. Mm-hmm. Having impractical cars. Sure.

These are all uncle moves. I mean, you haven't purchased a boat. That's true. You haven't been through a divorce. Oh, my uncle had a boat and then he went to jail. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, you can't have it all.

Sure. In this life. You wear shorts only seldomly as opposed to constantly. Oh, that's a good point. That's definitely an area of – well, here's the thing. I had a very beloved uncle who passed away a few months ago. And his services were at the same time my niece was being born. So I feel like his king uncle spirit passed into me.

I don't mean to get metaphysical on you. No, please do. I mean, I know you've been doing a lot of ayahuasca. Yeah, I was going to say TM. Yeah. Transcendental meditation. But I'm sure that includes some ayahuasca trips as well. I have been doing a lot of

TM. And while I have not yet bought a boat, I have levitated a boat. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, what's your- Well, it was me and David Lynch together. Okay. So do you think at some point-

Yeah. Your levitation skills will get to be so powerful that you can just tell Lynch to take five. Right. And then you can levitate the boat from the marina or the boat show to your house. I mean, that is grand theft marine. But I'm willing to do it. I mean, it's definitely a big part of the transcendental meditation process is learning to steal vehicles. So I guess you've got two steps.

Right. As I see it. Okay. I want to paint a picture for me, Jordan. So you, I mean, you know, you make a good case for, you know, having a lot of uncle-like tendencies already being primed to be a good uncle. Right. But the, you know, I think the two key elements that you are missing are shorts and a boat. Okay. So. I see, I'm glad that I went to you because I thought the elements I was missing were pumps in a bump. No, no.

Yeah. So just keep working at this TM. Keep chugging the ayahuasca like it was Gatorade. We should not have sold that boat that we bought. Yeah. No, I know. I guess you and I were briefly in possession of a boat. I mean, how long did we own that boat?

Brian went to Orange County to pick it up. Yeah. That was about three days before we recorded our episode of the show that we recorded out on MacArthur Park Lake. I would say technically we really only owned it from the time that I first touched it, which is when we were carrying it down to the lake, to when we left it in the lake with a sign that said free boat. Yeah. Boy, I mean- So that's like two hours maybe. I'm sorry.

I mean, you must at this point have known that your sister-in-law- Yeah. Was pregnant. Yeah. So I kind of- Why'd you not hold onto that boat? I kind of blew it. Yeah.

Sorry. I don't want to, you know, I don't mean to armchair quarterback here. Right. No, but I mean, that's what I hired you for, Jordan. That's why you bought me this lovely lazy boy, too. You work for me as an armchair quarterback. Yeah, I look at your life choices and I say that they were wrong after the fact. Yeah.

So, I mean, we either need to get that boat back from whoever took it. Right. You need to, or you build your levitation powers up to the point where you can levitate a new boat without the help of David Lynch who was very busy with the Twin Peaks reboot. Right. Then slowly transition your pants into shorts. I don't think it should be a – Do I have to use Transcendental Meditation to do that? No, no.

You can just – here's what I think you should do. I mean I don't think you should transition too quickly to continue the nautical talk. You'll get the bends. Right. If you just automatically burn the pants. Right. Got it. For shorts.

So just slowly start to make your pants shorter. Yeah. Like it can be a transition that happens over six months or something. It happens over six months or something. So once you do these two things, either steal back the boat that you let slip through your fingers. Right. Slowly transition pants to shorts. I think you got a good shot at this king of the uncle thing if you're dedicated to it.

Could I have not full-time shorts if I always wore a visor? I mean, this is obviously a decision. Again, armchair quarterback here. Right. I'm not full-time shorts if I always wore a visor. I mean, you know, this is obviously a decision. Again, armchair quarterback here. Right. I'm not a professional. I'm just a fan. Sure. But I mean, you're a professional fan.

I do pay you, as we discussed. Sure, exactly. But I mean, you'll have to take this up with the Council of Uncles. Okay. A governing board that includes both Jimmy Buffett and Tommy Lasorda. governing board that includes both Jimmy Buffett and Tommy Lasorda. So I think once you get them to sign off on, you know, the fact that when you are wearing long pants, you will be wearing a visor, you're good. Okay. So again.

Should we bring, should we introduce our guests or should we just keep talking uncle stuff? Yeah, let's introduce the guests. Who knows? Maybe he's an uncle. We don't know. We don't know. He's a legendary stand-up comedian. He's got a brand new stand-up comedy album called Oh No, It's Dwayne Kennedy.

You might have seen him on the David Letterman program on Totally Biased, on numerous other television shows, plying his trade. Dwayne Kennedy. Hey. Dwayne, are you an uncle at all? Yes. You got any tips? No. You lost me with the boats

and I was thinking, boats, man, okay. And then the telekinesis on the pants lifting thing you were talking about. Sure. And I was thinking, man, if that's the case, you wear a visor, you need to say a vast and ahoy a lot probably. Oh, yeah.

It helps. But, yeah, just kind of like working it into everyday conversation like, oh, Ahoy, who wants some, you know, shall I get some mozzarella sticks for the table? Yeah. Ahoy. Ahoy, snacks. Yeah, I got some milk. All I need are these chips. Ahoy.

Yeah. Yeah. Avast there, ye. Sure. Some Ahoy. Yeah. Yeah. Avast there, ye. Sure. Somebodies. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when you see a, you know, when you see a babe, maybe you got a babe as a waitress

or, you know, it could be like, you know, Avast, you know, yawn, yawn mermaid. Yeah. Yeah. You can, you know, apply a little of that uncle charm. It's really. I'm sorry. i'm clearly not good at this you saw the hesitation yeah it's important to teach nieces and nephews about babes though right i'm just wondering how the whole maritime thing kind of merged into unclehood

i mean i guess i as i see it jordan's uh aunt is married to the sea. Yeah. Okay. And that's my uncle. Yeah. I guess as I see it, the uncle-iest of uncle is a guy whose main goal in life is to own a boat and then will tell you about the boat. Yeah. I would say this is not a saltwater boat. I think more likely this is a freshwater boat. Freshwater boat. We're looking at a boat on a great lake.

A boat on a lesser lake. Sure. Not a riverboat. No. That would be amazing. That would be amazing. If your uncle had a riverboat. Right, a steam-powered riverboat.

Like a paddle wheeler. Sure. You can gamble out there. Yeah. Yeah. That's the life. Yeah. That is the life.

Yeah. Taking his name after, oh, that was already done. Yeah, that's too late. Yeah. Yeah. That's the life. Yeah. That is the life. Yeah. Taking his name after all that was already done. Yeah, that's too late for Uncle Samuel Longhorn Clemens. So, I mean, I think we were before. Now, I think we can, I think we've fleshed this out. Yeah. And obviously we want fans on Twitter to give you all of their uncle tips. Yeah.

We want fans on Twitter to give you all of their uncle tips. But something I picked up in our pre-show conversation is that, Dwayne, you had a glasses issue. Glasses? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This happened. Dwayne is on an upcoming episode of Bullseye with Jesse Thorne.

Yes. And he came by the office the other day to do that interview. And he did it. He came by in a taxi cab. A taxi? I went old school. Yeah. Like an actual taxi cab. Did you call it? Did you hail it? How do you get one of these things? I called it. I had a friend. This is how

traumatized... This is how afraid you are as a black man to get a cap i had somebody call on my behalf when you say when you say somebody you mean a white person yeah no no i'm just playing i think i think you should just do like a classic like 1992 deaf comedy jam white guy voice hello this is duane kennedy and i this is but my friends call me chip right right this is trevor and uh duane kennedy needs a ride somewhere yeah no um no this just she called just on my behalf but it wasn't for that reason. I would have called myself. So, yeah, so cab comes, taxi cab.

Right. And I get here, and I left my glasses in the back of the car. Hmm. And I'm asking, Jesse, have you seen my glasses? He said, no. Do you have any extra glasses? Yeah, you got any extra glasses? He said, no.

And no souvenir glasses? No. No glasses have any extra glasses? Yeah, you got any extra glasses? He said, no. And no souvenir glasses? No. No glasses you give the guest? I have these glasses I wore on New Year's Eve 2009. They say they are shaped like 2009. You can wear those. I have a couple pairs of Real D glasses. Sure.

Yeah, yeah. When you saw Despicable Me 2. Yeah, exactly. In Real D 3D. When I saw Despicable Me 2 a couple times. Sure. Oh, man. Yeah.

So I called at the behest of Jesse. Didn't you have me do that? I did. They said, why don't you call the cab company? What? Well, you don't. Here's the thing. I have no reason to expect that anyone at any cab company would even answer their phone.

Sure. Right. Best case scenario, you're getting a Danny DeVito type, right? Sure. That's best case scenario. But, Dwayne, we were like, well, we might as well just call. I mean, who knows? Worst thing that could happen is they tell you to go stick it in your ear.

Or just say, sir, that number is no longer in service. Yeah. Yeah. That cab company. There was never a cab company called the. That cab company died in 1954. Yeah. They say on a full moon sometimes the national cab company will pick someone up.

That cab company sank on the Titanic. What? So that taxi cab was a ghost cab? That's a good. So, yeah, so I called him. We planned that before. That was a good one, man. Yeah.

We script the whole first 20 minutes of the show sort of like Bill Walsh used to do with the 49ers. Oh, yeah. Got to script the first 20 plays. Yeah, yeah. But you got it. You're wearing the glasses that you were left in the cab. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Got to script the first 20 plays. Yeah, yeah. But you got it. You're wearing the glasses that you were left in the cab. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, I called them. They, in turn, gave me, they called their driver. They asked me, you know, when did I get picked up, what time, where I was going, this and that. They called the driver. Driver said he had them. They gave me the driver's number, called him up. And then, actually, he dropped them off where he picked me up to bring me to the driver. Driver said he had them. They gave me the driver's number. Called him up. And then actually he dropped them off where he picked me up to bring me to the show. So I actually walked from here to La Brea in Franklin when I left here the other day.

That's a hike. That's too far to walk. I don't mind walking. You know what I mean? People say, well, can you walk there? I always say, any place walking distance if you've got the time. Sure. And you've got never the time.

Ask Lewis and Clark. That is a pretty good. That's a good point. Jordan, are Lewis and Clark here? Can we talk to Lewis and Clark? Let me get both of them. Hey, it's us. They're on their way.

They're walking. Dwayne, I think you're, not to stick it in your face, Jesse, because I know you are... You're coming in pretty hot for this king of the uncles thing. I think you can walk anywhere if you've got the time is a great uncle-ism. That is a really solid piece of uncle-ism. You're not coming up with great uncle-isms

like that off the top of my head. I like it. Thanks, Dwayne. Yeah, it's a great piece of advice for a young person. How about this? The fish ain't biting if you're not casting. Thanks, Jordan. Thanks, man. Yeah, it's a great piece of advice for a young person. How about this? How about this? The fish ain't biting if you're not casting. Man, that's just reeks of try hard, dude. Okay, sorry. Come on, man.

It's got to smoothly just come off the dome. It would be metaphorical. We wouldn't be talking about fishing at that time. It would be talking about you have to try to succeed. I don't know. I can see you sweating, man. I can see you sweating to come up with those uncles. You know, you're new to this. Don't hope to be the king of the uncles right

out of the gate. How long has it been since this baby's been out? A few days. Just sit in it for a while. Dwayne's clearly had some experience. Sit in what? Uncle, uncle-ness. Oh,

I thought you meant like the afterbirth. Oh yeah. That might help you connect to the child more. Yeah, sit in that. Yeah. Just smear the placenta on your face. Oh buddy.

And that might actually be good for your complexion. Yeah, no, that's a great point. Yeah. Point taken. It has exfoliating principles. You know what I mean?

Your uncle's skin is glowing. That's the placenta. Is that how uncles talk? Yes, it's me, an uncle. That's right. Hello, I'm your uncle. Hello, dear. I'm your uncle, Jesse.

I'm married to your mother's sister. Would you like a ride on the carousel? That's right. That's how I say it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Okay, I've got a list of things we can do for our podcast. Don't know, Ross and Carrie? You got some ideas?

Yeah, I think so. Okay, you ready? Yeah, yeah. Okay, we could get ear candled. No, that was one of our first episodes. Oh, right. Okay, we could get hypnotherapy. No, we went to like a school for it. Oh, okay.

We could join the Mormons. We got baptized. Don't you remember? Okay, well, what if we went to an occult meeting or cryotherapy or took a juice cleanse or ate only Soylent for a month? No, we did them. Reiki? You're a practitioner.

We could join Christian Science or we could go to Pet Psychics or do astrology or go to the Queen Mary where they have all those ghost hunts. Done them all. That's my whole list. Well, what else can we do? I mean, this is Los Angeles. Well, I guess we could do that one thing. Oh. The scary thing.

The one that everybody's asked us to do since we started the show. Yeah, for like five years. Am I being clear? Yeah, let's do it. Okay. But, if I die, you have to tell my family that I love them and that they can hear the episode on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org.

I'll tell them. Thanks, Ross. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I'm here to bust mud. But I got to say, that's one of the strongest to the hoop first nicknames by guests. It's great. Since Kurt Explodo Anderson. Oh, boy, yeah. It is. I'm right there with you, Jesse.

That's an all-time great. Fuck, man, you're coming with that. Man, you're coming with great nicknames. Uncleisms. Shit. Can I tell you something about speaking on the subject of uh kurt explodo anderson sure uh kurt if you're listening you don't know or duane if you don't know kurt a friend of rc host the public radio show studio 360 and is also an acclaimed novelist and uh uh and writer of various

types of things and public intellectual one of the things that he did was he and Graydon Carter, who's the editor of Vanity Fair, founded Spy Magazine in the, I guess this was what, the mid to late 80s. Yeah, Spy. And I was reminded by Kurt of something. Something in Spy became timely again, which is Spy had a long-running feud with Donald Trump. Whatever reminded you of that? Yeah. Oh, everything? it was spy style that is to say it was always done when that whenever you whenever someone

wrote about donald trump in spy uh they referred to him as short-fingered vulgarian donald trump short-fingered vulgarian donald trump and not only that but uh uhdon Carter, I think, just wrote a little piece about it, like a little reminiscence about this period of their lives. After it started, he would get in the mail pictures of Donald Trump from Donald Trump with the hands circled and an arrow saying, see, not very short. Wow. You know, we have a similar running gag on at midnight when talking about Donald Trump and all the presidential candidates. on at midnight when talking about Donald Trump and all the presidential candidates. When talking about them, we try and come up with a fun descriptor. Sorry, my mic stand just fell randomly. That looked kind of cool, though. For instance, I think one that I liked for Donald Trump was a shrieking buffalo wing

that someone fished out of a urinal. was a shrieking buffalo wing that someone fished out of a urinal. So I think Dave Tomlinson came up with flaccid penis poked through a pancake. Yes. I was there for flaccid penis poked through a pancake. I got a few yucks out of that one. Dave Tomlinson, very funny man. Anyway, do you think he will start to respond to those? I mean, I would love to get an 8x10, you know, with some sort of handwritten, you know, note proving that he was not, in fact, a shrieking buffalo wing that someone had fished out of a urinal.

I mean, there's a lot. I don't know if you guys know this, but Donald Trump's actually running for president now. For what? And, you know, when Spy Magazine came out in 1987 or whatever, he was a local celebrity more than anything else in the New York area. I mean, certainly there was Trump the board game. But he was mostly a New York guy. And so I think that that helped them get his attention. Now that he's out there, he's got to deal with, oh, what did Bill Maher say about me?

Sure, yeah. What did Nancy Grace say about me? Yeah, yeah. did regis philbin say about sure what did the two broke girls say about me and what did the property brothers say about me it's like a constant you know a constant barrage of of things and so i don't know if he has the time to focus on what Chris Hardwick says about it. Yeah. That's a shame. Although he might because he is a very proud nerd. Right. Yeah. Donald Trump. Donald Trump.

He's been following at Nerdist for a long time. But now that Chris is at Chris Hardwick, maybe he – Yeah. He probably – yeah. The change in the Twitter handle could probably be a little bit confusing, especially for a guy who has so many Twitter followers. So I get that. So, yeah. Well, Donald Trump, if you're out there.

Oh, he's out there. If you're listening to. He's real. He's real. If you're in your helicopter listening to podcasts, please send me an 8x10 proving that you're not, in fact, buffaloing from a urinal. Wouldn't it be awesome if Donald Trump was just a super big podcast fan? That would be great. It might turn me around on him completely. My theory

is that Donald Trump is a government operative. And that because the government can't just go around asking people, are you racist? They send Trump out there like the Pied Piper of bigots.

This is like reverse COINTELPRO? Yes. I like that. Yeah, get on out there, Donald. Run on this racist, bigoted, sexist, nationalist campaign, and we'll see who comes out to support you. And then a big net goes down. Yeah, yeah. Keep an eye on those folks.

Donald Trump is actually like an employee of the Southern Poverty Law Center sure it's like there's just a guy

there with a pencil and a pad going Frank Thompson Sally yeah right Sally Bennett

huge racist that would be yeah I mean I think that I think that they should or maybe it's a thing where like he I'm thinking of that old trick where there's some like food on a blanket over a pit. Yeah. They go for the food and they fall in the pit.

Anyway, maybe Trump can organize something like that. Yeah. For racists. Yes. What kind of food would you say is a racist's favorite food? I mean, I don't want to generalize, but I think just something kind of, you know, because there are so many different kinds of racists, you know. I mean, I guess, you know, you have your classic. Well, I mean, there's a lot

of kinds of corn nuts. Sure, yeah. So, yeah, you don't ranch corn nuts. There you go. Yeah. The favorite corn nut flavor of the racist. I mean, certain, like, I think, I think to some extent, uh, uh, ranch is good overall, but, you know, some types, but some people, if you're racist against the Vietnamese, maybe your favorite is barbecue corn nuts.

You see what I'm saying? Maybe classic corn nuts is your favorite if you're specifically racist against Latinos. Oh, sure. Hey, if you racists are out there, hit us up, tag at Corn Nuts, and tell us what your favorite. Tell us two things. We want to hear two things from you. Yeah. Who you are most racist against.

Yeah. What group are you targeting? And remember to tag at Corn Nuts. Yeah. Oh, you got to tag at Corn Nuts. Yeah. So say the slur of your choice. Right. At Corn Nuts.

Yeah. And then the Corn Nuts flavor of your choice. Right. Think we can start this movement? What? Yeah. I mean, this movement has already started. It's called flavor of your choice. Right. Think we can start this movement? Yeah. I mean, this movement has already started. It's called market research, Jordan. Sure.

The ship sailed on market research sometime in the early 20th century. You've got to know the territory, as they say in the music. And the people at Corn Nuts, literally I had a meeting yesterday with the people at Corn Nuts. They said, we know that we're the snack of choice for the racist community. But our question is, what kinds of racists like what kinds of Corn Nuts? And then their secondary question was, do you think there's a way to use interactive media to suss this out? Because they know, look, Dwayne, I'm a thought leader in the interactive media space.

All right. And so companies like this seek me out to get my insights on strategy. I suggested, look, Cornuts, give us $10,000. We'll dedicate a segment on Jordan Jesse Go to finding this out for you. Also tag at Martin O'Malley. Sure. Okay. Yeah.

So I would say the people to tag in this, Corn Nuts, Martin O'Malley, let us know who you're racist against and what your favorite type of Corn Nuts is.

I think that's great. This will be a fun, this will be a fun, fun, fun tweet up. Now why is Martin O'Malley still in the race? No,

he dropped out, but we do like to include Martin O'Malley in- Oh, just everything? Yeah. Okay. Because we feel kind of bad for him. Okay. Maybe he got a bad rap. And then what about wingnuts?

Cornnuts? You mean just wingnuts the hardware? Yes. Or just- Ben Carson. Yeah. Good old wingnuts yeah yeah

Ben well I guess I was gonna say it's been a while since we've heard a crazy Ben Carson thing I guess maybe we people have not been

paying attention to him enough or maybe his writers have quit they went back to write for the adult swim shows they write for

like sorry we have another season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force to write, Ben Carson. I'm sorry, Ben. We can't write the insane things that you say. This campaign has lost steam. I'm going home.

I'm going to go back to Atlanta to write another season of Perfect Hair Forever. Yeah, boy, I guess he had that thing where he didn't come out for the debate. Do you guys remember that? Oh, my God. You should know, Dwayne, that we're very rarely topical on this program. Okay. that literally, what was it, three or four of the candidates missed their cues, kind of stacked up in the wings, and ended up kind of like walking into each other, kind of circling each other, and staring out into space, all on camera, in the most recent Republican debate.

And it was the most amazing thing I've ever, like, I don't think you could oversell how amazing this is like i i i imagine someone on the internet has put the curb your enthusiasm music behind it but like it never has that it was just like bumbling like 60 year old boobs like like just bumbling. And they each have their own. The other amazing thing is, so like there's a few real, uh, bumblekins running and they were the ones who got hung up.

And then the ones who are the ones who know what they're doing in life, they just, there's, there's these shots of them walking past them. And like Jeb Bush like pats like Trump or something on the shoulder and just gives him

a sweet smile and goes like, I don't know. He's like, I'm not missing my cue. I'll see you guys later. You want to be the president. Sure. I am not doing well, but I can get out to the fucking podium when I'm supposed to.

And there's an amazing part where Ben Carson is sort of, if Ben Carson is the first one, you'll be shocked to hear. No, man. The first one to miss his cue. And there's just this part where he's looking back into the wings. This is on camera, live. A guy who's like a stage manager

leans out and you can see him holding his clipboard, and I'm talking about six feet away from Ben Carson, eight feet away from Ben Carson, not like 27 feet away. And he's just going go, go, go, go. But there is a moment. There is a moment in that go, go, go where – and you're seeing one-eighth of this man's body.

He's just peeking out from behind a curtain. Yeah. You see this guy's body language just say, fuck it. I don't know if he physically said fuck it but you see him going like i i am not going to flail at ben carson anymore he clearly doesn't know what's going on fuck it yeah it's it's it's one of the best tv things ever i'm just gonna say it's better than the finale of mash well okay so but not only that but as ben carson is looking confused there's just this moment where trump comes out

looking like like i mean he sort of always looks like this but just in a full body shot while he's being confused he looks like a uh like a capon you know like he just he just comes out with his you know the top half of him is twice is like six times the size of the bottom half of him. And he's just going like, And he basically just walks up to Ben Carson and says, Hey, do you not have any idea what's going on? I don't know or care either. It's amazing.

It is truly amazing. It thus ends political satire corner here at Jordan Jesse Go. In a scathing segment it was. Of course, I do not endorse any of these candidates

and have no preferences among these candidates, but I think I'm allowed to think that that was funny because it was really funny. Yeah. I wonder what the supporters of these men

thought when this was happening i mean they're maybe they thought they were sticking it to the mainstream media yeah oh you mean the lamestream media jesse i think you i think you misspoke you said mainstream media when i think you've been uh one great i'm going to say one last great part of this whole thing is – so they have the whatever seven or eight podiums out there, everybody that has 5 percent of the vote or whatever. And like five of the eight or something are full. And the two debate moderators go, ladies and gentlemen, you're Republican candidates. go, ladies and gentlemen, you're Republican candidates. And then they just turn around and you see them.

These are talented, top-level professional television personalities. I can't remember who was moderating this debate. And you just see it just flash across. Wait, which one? Where are they? And then they continue

with a little bit of the same thing that you were describing in that stage manager. Just like, well. Fuck it. You know. Yeah. Dwayne, how closely have you been following all this stuff? Are you enjoying it or does it bum you out or is it somewhere between the two? I'm mostly indifferent.

Okay. I mean – I think it's a pretty safe zone to be in. Yeah. I mean, although – what if Trump wins, man? That's what I – now, you know how everybody says when he started, okay, it's just for publicity, this and that. Everybody says when he started, OK, it's just for publicity, this and that. And now at least this cat is probably going to win the nomination.

Sure. Yeah. It seems like there were so many like little signposts, you know, when you're like, well, OK, like some kooks like him. But he'll never get to, you know, primary X or he'll never get to debate Y. But he has. He's gotten to all of them. Right. It's very bizarre. Yeah.

And when they broke down who voted for him, was it New Hampshire where he won and it was like even moderates and women. Women? Sure. Moderates? Well, he's pretty sexy. Buddy. So, I mean, it's not as funny as it used to be.

Yeah. With every step that he makes forward, it's not as funny as it used to be. Yeah. With every step that he makes forward, it gets less funny. Do you think he might replace social welfare programs with a copy of Trump the board game? I mean, yeah, just so you get. Yeah. How much government assistance you get per month depends on how you do in a round of Trump the board game. How much government assistance you get per month depends on how you do in a round of Trump the board game. I mean, he is the only candidate in my lifetime who has a board game that's at every garage sale ever. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, until Mousetrap with one piece missing runs for president. Right. Trump is the board game he is. Senator Kenneth Mall Madness. Yes. Senator Kenneth Mall Madness. Oh, here's another Trump descriptor that I kind of liked.

Orange condom filled with rancid stew. I liked that one a lot. I thought that one was really good. Okay. Let's end this political satire segment of the program where I am treading on territory that I do not know what I am and I'm not allowed to say. No, of course not. Thanks to my status as an NPR journalist. But we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, play detective. Dwayne Kennedy, lingoist. Pretty good. There's no Smut Buster. I think you can stick with Smut Buster. Oh, I can stay with that? Oh yeah, you don't need a new one. Oh, okay then.

Smut Buster. Yeah. Dwayne Kennedy, Smut Buster. I love it. Jordan, Jesse, go this week, supported in part by our friends at Squarespace. Hey, if you've got a passion that you obsess over, I don't know. Maybe it's pickles. Maybe you make your own pickles.

Yeah. Maybe you make your own curtido. Sure. Maybe you make. Maybe you make your own pickled eggs. Like a little belt buckle shaped like a TARDIS. Yeah. You make those.

You're sending them out. And then you pickle them. And you pickle them. You put them in some brine. You put them up for the winter. Maybe you make quick pickles. Sure. Maybe.

Quick buckles. Maybe. Quick pickles. Quick buckles. Yeah. If you've got a passion that you obsess over and you want everybody to know about it, you should show it off. And you should do it with a website from Squarespace. Yeah.

I agree. Easy to use tools and templates. Every detail of what drives you can be showcased on your Squarespace website. If it's worth the effort, it is worth showing to the world. If you want a free trial of Squarespace, visit squarespace.com slash JJGO. Squarespace.com slash JJ Go.

I messed up in that S and I just thought I would make it like a style choice. Oh, cool. You should. Squarespace. Dwayne Kennedy actually just got his first website. Yeah. Yeah. Dwayne Kennedy.

That's what they tell me. That's what my peeps told me. You got a website now. I do. Thank you. I looked at it earlier this afternoon. It was very nice. Might have been designed with some handsome Squarespace templates.

Oh, it could be. Very beautiful. Very beautiful. Hard to say for sure. Hard to say for sure. Thank you to Squarespace. If you want to sponsor Jordan and Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get up on our Jumbotron with your announcement, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

You can share your personal, brief personal or commercial message with our audience. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Dwayne Kennedy, smart buster. Loving the delivery.

Loving the delivery. Yeah. Very elegant. Mm-hmm. It has a certain kind of easy breezy quality that I like a lot. Sure, yeah. Well, a cover girl like you likes the easy breezy quality. Oh, hey, I forgot to make an announcement in the last segment.

Sure. Max Fun Con East is on and popping. Great. It is going to be Labor Day weekend in the Poconos. You can reserve your ticket. Let's see. Almost now. I think a week, the 19th,th I think is the day that we decided

go to maxfuncon.com sign up for the email list there and we will tell you when you can reserve your ticket but it's going to be awesome that's all

I just wanted to share that just wanted to let people know fun share yeah if something momentous happens to you at maxfuncon east or

wherever else sure other locations we ask you to call us and share it with us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Our telephone number, 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. We've got a couple of calls on the line here. Let's take our first call.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is Jessica calling from Chicago with Momentous Occasion. and guest. This is Jessica calling from Chicago with Momentous Occasion. About a month ago at my company's holiday party, I got a little drunk and jokingly told my CEO that he should give me a director position, which I'm not necessarily qualified for. It was meant to be a joke, but I think the nuance got lost in all the wine that I was drinking, and I was very embarrassed about it. I just got out of a meeting, and I got the director position.

Apparently, I deserved it, even though I got drunk and talked at my CEO aggressively. Thanks, guys. Now, Dwayne, you're a Chicagoan. Mm-hmm. From the tone and maybe the quality of the phone, could you tell where she was calling from, maybe? Do you have any thoughts well she said

she got drunk that sounds about right so that's Chicago in general yeah yeah yeah okay that's Chi-town okay I don't know if there was

like a neighborhood or a yeah no I can't can't place it no I can't be that specific about the locale Wicker Park that's what I think

you think Wicker Park yeah I think that's a real Chicago neighborhood right oh. Wicker Park. That's what I think. You think Wicker Park? Yeah. I think... That's a real Chicago neighborhood, right? Oh, yeah. Wicker Park. Yeah. Nailed it.

I think Shea Stadium. Wait a minute. That's in Queens. Yeah, yeah. That's what I think. I'm going to say suburbs. Okay. Yes.

Okay. I say Lake Michigan. Yeah. Could be Lake Erie. Hard to tell. The accents are tough to distinguish. It has to do with diphthongs. Mm-hmm. Hard to tell. The accents are tough to distinguish. It has to do with diphthongs.

Well, that is, I was thinking that was going to go another way when I heard drunk at the Christmas party. Usually doesn't lead to a promotion, but it's nice to know that your company is cool promoting alcoholics. You know what I say to her? Get them, get them, get them. Yeah, there to her? Get them, get them, get them. Yeah, there you go. Drink them, drink them, drink them. Then get them, get them, get them. That's when she said that and then she said she got a promotion.

I was like, okay, this segment could be called Things That Happen to White People. I got drunk at a Christmas party and I yelled in my boss's face and he gave me a promotion. Dwayne, did you not see the subtitle of George C. Joe? I yelled at a cop and he bought me a lottery ticket. Oh, cool. I smacked a nun and then... You won't believe what happened next. She took me to Golden Corral. Oh, great.

A free trip to the chocolate fountain. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse and guests. I'm Brian, Sonny D. This is Owen from Charlotte. I just went to a country club to drop off a napkin that I found in my suit jacket from a wedding reception I attended at this venue.

And I wanted to make sure the napkin got back to them. So I walk in, and I am greeted by a uniformed division officer from the Secret Service. And I am, you know, he wants me and everything, and I walked to reception, returned the napkin, kind of joked with the receptionist and told the Secret Service special agents on the way out

what I was doing, and they said, wow, that, we don't usually see that. So anyways, it was quite a way to, you know, try to do a good turn for the day. Anyways, sorry, to be clear, it's a Ben Carson event. So, yeah. Love the show.

Talk to you guys later. Bye. What? He literally lapsed into a Ben Carson impression. Yeah. By the end of that. He entered a Carson-like fugue state of nonsense whispering. Jesus Christ.

I don't know this show, your show. Right. So I don't know. It's like, is this cat, is this a part of how it goes on this show? Or do you all too think this cat is a lunatic? Yeah. You're asking is every episode of this show descending to madness? Yes.

The answer broadly speaking is yes. But not in a specific way. I will – I'll walk you through my thought process while I was listening to that. I'll make first – oh, after the Dwayne mentioned stuff that happens to white people, it starts with returning a napkin to a country club. Right. Right. In the South. Which is, yeah.

He's hitting country with the heart. And I'm just thinking, yeah, I'm taking it to Ken's country club, if you know what I'm saying. Sure. And I talked to the program director, a.k.a. the Grand Dragon. He's returning a napkin? It seems like I get – I mean, I guess that's thoughtful, but also it's probably dirty. I mean, you had it because you wiped it on, you know, you or – Your semen.

Yeah, right. You clearly – listen, we all like to jizz at weddings. They're just so beautiful. Covered in a bridesmaid's juices. Sure. This is what would happen at like a Bengali wedding or something. What is, so he put the napkin in his pocket at the reception? And this is days later?

So this is a, I assume it was an embroidered cloth napkin of the country club that he had a grenade wrapped in. Oh, that he was going to hurl at Dr. Carson, our next president. I think – here's the thing. I think in this specific area of the subtitle of this program, Things That White People Do. Things That Happen To White People. Things That Happen To White People. And Will With What My Man, and that they do.

Sure. Return Napkins. Yeah, sure. I think that the notable moment in this is our man, do you remember what his name was? Don't know. Let's call him Chip.

Yeah, yeah. So Chip or Trevor or whatever his name was don't know let's call him chip yeah yeah so chip chip or trevor or whatever his name was bryce came up to the front of this country club of which he's not a member apparently he was stopped by a uniformed secret service officer That Secret Service officer said, what are you doing? Or, hi, I'm a member of the secret. Like introduced himself, said he didn't say what he was doing, but was nonetheless passed through. And the answer to the question, what are you doing, was literally the most murderous answer. Right.

Returning a napkin. I'm returning a napkin. Returning a napkin is exactly what a murderer would say they were doing at a country club. Because maybe they used that napkin to clean up one of their little crime scenes. Yeah, you got it. One of those little crime scenes. That's insane. Yeah.

What possesses a man to take a napkin from a thing and then return? I don't know. Or was he returning the napkin on behalf of someone else who had taken it? Oh, man, we at the wedding, you taking napkins? Right. You know, I got a reputation in this town. Oh, yeah. I mean, maybe he was.

A lot of movers and shakers of that country club. Yeah. Maybe he was going for membership because I know that they think to those country clubs there's a membership process you have to apply and you have to kind of court the people who are already there. You got to make friends with like a local business leader. Sure, exactly. Noah, the arcade magnate. Sure, yes. You got to go bust a move where the games are played.

Yeah. It's still as freshers Noah's Arcade. I just opened my mouth and had a game. Oh, Noah. You were played by one of Bill Murray's brothers. Brian Doyle Murray, I think. in that application process, like he is, he wants it. He can taste, you know, he can taste that, you know, poolside chicken sandwich that they are famous for. Right. Have you had this poolside chicken sandwich?

Now, now, now, now. Have you had this poolside chicken sandwich? My, my, my, my. It's as juicy as the pool itself. Sure, yeah. It's as juicy as a bridesmaid after a wedding ceremony. What is more moist?

Yeah. The bridesmaid. The bridesmaid. Morning dew. Or the breast on this fucking poolside chicken sandwich. I don't know. Do you think it's grilled, breaded, and fried? I think you've got an option.

Depends on whether or not you want to indulge. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Answer, I do. Yeah. Have you guys ever been to a presidential campaign event? No, uh-uh. I think as Californians, we've never seen a presidential candidate.

I've been to two in my life. Okay. When we were in college, Al Gorere came through san jose i think mostly to raise money when he was running for president uh and bill clinton showed up and spoke much more memorably than al gore to drop in and went through and was you know shaking people's hands i tried to give him a high five and uh he if you imagine my fingertips meeting meeting the top of his palm and then him bending his fingers over my fingertips to transform my high five into a handshake. Oh, boy. Like a weird, sad handshake.

That's when I really lost a lot of respect. Sure. Some people lost respect for Bill Clinton when he went on the attack against Bernie Sanders. But I had long previously lost it when I knew that he wasn't going to high-five me. That was one. The other is, in 1988, my dad

was working for... My dad was working in the independent living movement, and Jesse Jackson came to town. And my dad wrote some remarks for him. Bullet points or something. I mean, you don't write a speech for Jesse Jackson came to town and my dad wrote some remarks for him, bullet points or something. I mean, you don't write a speech for Jesse Jackson. But I met Jesse Jackson at that time.

And I'm not going to brag about how quick-witted I am. But I was even then in 1987 or 88 or whenever that was. I said to him, and this is a quote, my name's Jesse, too. Oh, and you've been best friends ever since. Yeah, absolutely. That's great. Do I know a presidential candidate? Ever seen one, met one?

No, the closest I came was just tonight when I was late being stuck in traffic because of the president. Oh, yeah. We've got an L.A. little phenomenon we like to call Obama traffic. Yeah, classic Obama traffic situation. When he's there doing the dab on Ellen or whatever. I had a Secret Service agent shine a spotlight in my face once. I had some friends from L.A. in Chicago, and I was taking them around, and I said,

Hey, you want to go by the president's crib? That night. And I had a van. I was taking them around. And I said, hey, you want to go by the president's crib? Hmm. That night. And I had a van. I was driving a van. All this checks out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This all sounds normal.

It was just a big black van that had a sign on the side that said plumbing repairs. With the sign that was kind of hanging off the side, the magnet. It said not suspicious. Right. So I'm driving the van. And my friend and her people and everybody's of the magnet. You said not suspicious. Right. So I'm driving the van and my friend and her people and everybody's in the van and we go by and it's on 53rd Street

in Hyde Park and I slow down. So I see right there down the street you can't see it because the moment I slow down, boom!

Whoa. Spotlight right in the grill. My face. Oh, I guess we'll have to keep it moving. But you just saw. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. We should also mention that the four of you were working as stagehands at the time.

So you were wearing all black. Yeah. And you were doing a little bit of lockpicking on the side. You were doing a little bit of lockpicking on the side. And, I mean, all of us were pointing and, you know, audibly yelling, is that the house? Get it. Yeah. Interesting.

How was the President's House in Chicago? Was it nice? It's nice. It's not lavish. Okay. Yeah. It's in Hyde Park. And, you know, there's a lot of nice homes in Hyde Park. This is one of them. But it's not not lavish. Okay. Yeah. It's in Hyde Park, and there's a lot of nice homes in Hyde Park. This is one of them, but it's not gaudy.

Okay. Yeah. Tasteful. I would love it if we had just found out from Dwayne Kennedy that Barack Obama lived in a gilded mansion. Sure. Like just fucking towers, like a Winchester mystery house, but painted with actual gold. Like when Master P was on Cribs and little Romeo had his own house and his own tiny car. Yeah, like that.

Each of his daughters. Yeah, it's Malia's house. Yeah. It's Malia's tiny Land Rover. Or even funnier if it had been like red man's crib oh yeah that's the greatest cribs ever what's what now i have not seen the red man crib it was just a disastrously shitty apartment in new jersey just like just like no like just crates instead of chairs and just a big tv with a with with a Genesis or whatever connected to it.

Wasn't some cat laying on the living room floor asleep? Yeah. Yeah. I do remember from time to time they would do an anti-cribs. Someone would just shamelessly show you through their terrible house. And it was always filled with dumb buddies. It was always just filled with the neighborhood guys they were friends with who sucked and were there but remember on cribs when when we were all at snoop doggie dog's house

and then he was showing his basketball court and then boys to men came to play basketball with him it's it seems like by the way i apologize if it was like another bad creation or something and not boys to men and i've ruined it please don't correct me please send your corrections to who are we sending them to now oh yeah so i guess we forgot to decide last week i got a lot of complaints yeah uh let's see uh uh duane for Dwayne, for you, for your, uh, uh, for your information, uh, we don't like being corrected on the show. So we ask that people send them to various presidential candidates. I was Ted Cruz for a while.

Uh, Martin O'Malley, he dropped out. Um, who's the, who's that new Republican people like? Oh, yeah. John Kasich. That's a good one. John Kasich. Yeah. Hit him up on Twitter.

Tell him, shout a racial slur. Tell him what corn nuts you like. And what boy band was actually at Snoop Dogg's house during the Snoop Dogg Cribs. Yeah. Great. I think it doesn't seem like Cribs is due for a comeback. I mean, maybe musicians live less extravagantly these days. Yeah.

I would like to see a Cribs with our friend John Roderick. That's just his 1978 GMC motorhome that keeps breaking down. That would be pretty dope. They can cruise around Seattle, go to that clown bar. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I feel like you do a Cribs with Amy Mann or something. It's like, here's my bungalow in Silver Lake. Sure, yeah.

I'm doing okay. Yeah, you could probably just pan around and get it all. You could probably have the guy move the camera from side to side. I'm proud to be a professional artist. Sure. Is what they would say. Modest Cribs. Yeah.

I think people are into modesty these days. I think that the tiny house movement has sparked an interest in modesty. I think people are into modesty these days. I think that the tiny house movement has sparked an interest in modesty. And I think people are ready to see the careers of like, you know, indie musicians who can sell out a, you know, medium sized theater. Yeah. Not to mention that production wise, then you could shoot like 80 cribs in one day. Holy shit.

You're right. You don't have to do that much walking around. Boom. Got it. Boom. If you just spent an afternoon in Portland, you could knock out a whole season of television. Yeah. You could just, you know. Here's Brendan Canty from Fugazi.

Sure. Where's the guy from Block Party live? Yeah. Head down to his house. Sure. Probably pretty nice. Modest. Here's local rappers, the Lifesavers. They live together in his house. Sure. Probably pretty nice. Modest. Here's local rappers, the Lifesavers.

They live together in one house. You could do 22 episodes of television. Modest Cribs. Does he think anyone out there knows an executive? Modest MTV? That's what the M stands for. Modesty. It's a big MTV Networks is a wide umbrella.

Yeah. It's part of the Viacom family. Yeah. You got MTV Europe. MTV VH1 Soul, and then you got Modest MTV. Yeah. And soon to come, maybe in 2030, MTV Mars. Yeah. I'd like to see that.

Mars Cribs. Mars Cribs. Yeah. I live here in this oxygen tent. Yeah. I don't know. What would you have on Mars? You know what would be a pretty baller move for like a cool like, you know, go into commercial line for MTV Mars Cribs?

What's that, Jordan? Would be. Ribs. What's that, Jordan? Would be. You know, just imagine, you know, kind of a decadent, you know, a decadent character, you know, like a CeeLo or maybe, you know, from the rock and maybe like a Steven Tyler or something. You know, he says, well, contrary to popular belief, there's no water on Mars, but there is Cristal. And then he pours it. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

He pops. And then aliens come out and kill everyone. Wouldn't that be cool? You know what would be a good statuette for MTV Mars' award show? Earthman. A standard man. Just like a guy in slacks. With a push broom.

Right, instead of a flag. He's just sweeping up. Just doing what I can. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Hello, Internet. I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Teresa McElroy. She is my wife.

And he's my husband. And it is our pleasure to introduce to you a brand new podcast. Schmanners. It's extraordinary etiquette. For ordinary occasions. Teresa, let me ask you this. Can you teach me how to write a thank you note? Yes, I can. How about tips to improve my table manners? I'll do my best.

And will you finally explain to me the difference between casual and business casual and cocktail and formal and black tie and all that stuff? If anybody can, I can. But like, it's going to be funny, right? Of course. I'm going to give historical origins and how those manners fit into our everyday lives.

How could it not be funny? But also sometimes we'll talk about like burps and farts, right? Yeah, when not to. But we'll still talk about it. Yes. Great. So come join us for our new hilarious show. No RSVP required.

Coming to you soon every Friday on MaximumFun.org. It's Schmanners. Manners. Schmanners. Get it? It's Jordan, Jesse, go. la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, What are you up to? Well, I wanted to maybe ask for your guys' help with something. I'm smack dab in the middle of a mystery. Oh, wow.

Wait. Should I get Starley Kind on the line? Would you please? Yeah. I guess we probably can't get Klein. Yeah. You guys will have to do. Yeah.

Big influx and outflux in my apartment building recently. I think we've had two or three different people leave and two or three new sets of people come in. I'm glad that you didn't have an influx without an outflux. No, because then, you know, maybe there's a family of clowns living upstairs who just cram into one apartment. That's why I'm racist against court nuts clowns. I like the ranch and I hate the clowns'm racist against court nuts clowns. Oh.

I like the ranch and I hate the clowns. Yeah. I like clowns. I think clowns are nice. Not afraid of them. Never been afraid of clowns. I've never had that thing. No.

Afraid of clowns. No, nor have I. Hmm. Interesting. I was afraid of clown class but that was just because it was embarrassing. Sure, yeah.

I like clowns and I like the word moist. Yeah. I like the word moist, too. I had a woman blow me off one time. I was asking her out and she said, I can't go out with you because I have to go see my friend graduate from clown school. Oof. Now.

Yeah. Mind you, this was a Tuesday. Everybody knows. Everybody knows. Clowns don this was a Tuesday. Everybody knows. Everybody knows. Clowns don't graduate on Tuesday. You could have just told me that you hate me. Sure. Dwayne, can I give you a comeback if that ever comes up again?

Well, you're talking to a man who graduated from the clown school of hard knocks. Boom. Boom. Deal with that. Sure. Yeah. Faced. Stick that in your pipe with that. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Faced. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Your bubble pipe, specifically. So I have some new neighbors. I have some new neighbors on the side and some new neighbors above. Okay. And they each have a sound associated with them. The walls of my... I have a very old apartment building. Wait, like Peter and the Wolf? Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly. One is a flute. Yeah. One is a big fat one's a bassoon. Bum, bum, bum, bum. No. So, you know, the walls are very thin. So you hear a thing that, you know, someone is doing.

And not all, you know, it's not terrible, but, you know, it'll be super noticeable at some point. My upstairs neighbor, here's what's going on. And I'm trying to replicate the rhythm for you too, so this is intentional. What is that? Hydraul hydraulic fuck machine oh easy yeah boy do we even continue the discussion here's what i was thinking before this is like this is like me listening to the puzzle master on weekend edition sure i'm this i got it you I got it. You can just call it. You can just call it. Boom, boom, boom. Hydraulic fuck machine.

By the way, that's usually the answer to the puzzler on Weekend Edition. Oh, wow. It's usually hydraulic. Will Shortz is a real. They were good. Yeah. They were good. I was thinking it's like an exercise machine, like an ab roller or something,

like something you would see Chuck Norris advertising in the late 90s. Like a Suzanne Somers thing? Yeah. I was thinking sander or some sort of a saw because he's dismembering a body. Boy, that worries me. Was the sander also for dismembering a body? Well, that's just getting some of the skin. Distinguishing characteristics off of it.

Yeah, getting the bones polished. Yeah. Shine it up. Sure, sure. You're making a bed out of them, so it might as well be smooth. Or a xylophone. Yeah. That's a fun murder.

He plays his little bone xylophone. Yeah. It's very funny. Hey, Mosch! He's just out on the street corners he's a jamaican bone xylophone player i can't get leon in tomb it's the name of the skeleton xylophone uh i was thinking that or i mean there's hardwood floors in the apartment so he's not vacuuming uh but maybe he has like rugs that he's oh mean, there's hardwood floors in the apartment, so he's not vacuuming. But maybe he has like rugs that he's cleaning. What if it's one of those manual brush vacuum things?

Oh, I don't think I can picture it. Picture a church rummage sale. Okay, sure. It's there. All right. You know, it's like a skinny stick and then a little box that has rotating brushes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a proto-Swiffer.

I also would say another possibility is he's a collector of Sport Flicks baseball cards, which were the kind where if you tilt it, you get different pictures. Sure, yeah, yeah. And he's just running his finger across it because everyone knows that's what they were good for. Oh, yeah. across it because everyone knows that's what they were good for. Oh, yeah. Maybe he has a, he strung them together like a raft or something.

The sport flicks? The sport flicks. So he's, you know, laced them together somehow. Everything from Wally Joyner. Sure, to Oral Hershiser. Yeah. And he's just sliding it over the floor. Maybe he's even doing like yoga with it or something.

Maybe it's a mat made of those. And what I'm hearing is the scraping of, you know, three dozen sports flicks, sport flicks. I think that's right. I mean, my first choice is still hydraulic fuck machine. Sure. Or maybe it's all of those things because he's got the Michael Winslow box set of how to sound like everybody. That's a really good point. One of my favorite Time Life purchases.

That's on Light in the Attic Records. They do a really nice job with those box sets. Yeah. Numero Group also bid on that one. So he is, okay. So I think we figured that out. You know, Jordan, just curious. Please. What might this person's ethnicity be?

This is a white man. Okay. I'm going to stick with body dismemberment. You know those whites. You know. Yeah, yeah, sure. You said Latino. I said maybe he's hooking up a barbecue grill or something. Okay. African-American could be a family reunion.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Or a sander. Yeah. So this is my idea. African-Americans are known for being smooth. So these are the people next to me now.

There's a sound coming out of there. And I think this is a, I think the sound is coming from their TV. Maybe it's not, but it sounds like it's coming out of a TV speaker. And it sounds kind of like this. Hum, hum, hum. Hum, hum, hum, hum. Hum, hum, hum. Hum, hum, hum.

Hum, hum, hum, hum. Hum, hum, hum. Private tutoring from the teacher from peanuts yeah they have a troubled child yeah they don't want to send him to public school nope they don't want to get brainwashed they don't want to have to look at the teacher's face yeah that is obviously he is tuned into Radio Free Jupiter. Just listening to some alien commands. RFJ. Yeah. Jodie Foster is probably your neighbor. Sure.

It's one of my favorite early REM songs. Radio Free Jupiter. Yeah. They kind of lost their scrappy edge after that, I think. It became more polished. Yeah. That's what I don't... Anyway.

Sorry, going on Sesame Street. Yeah, exactly. It sounds like they are listening to televised lectures. I guess maybe it's like a TED Talk or something. They're just listening to fucking loud... Like they crank the TED Talk when they turn it on. You don't crank TED Talks? I mean, I listen to them at a respectful volume.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love TED Talks. I mean, I listen to them at a respectful volume. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love Ted Talks. I don't watch TV. I don't watch – I don't even watch television. Yeah, all this violence and sexual jokes, but I love Ted Talks. Feed your mind. Yeah.

I mean, that is – I mean, I'm so bored when I watch TV, but a TED Talk. I've never met this person. I don't know why I'm mad at them. Feed your mind and your ferret. Sure. That's my motto. Feed your mind, brush your male ponytail. Oh, man.

Today I was at one of our favorite grocery stores, Trader Joe's. One of our favorite grocery stores, Trader Joe's. And there was a weird guy talking to a male ponytail type guy talking to the checkout woman. And I thought maybe he was her manager or something because I could only see his back. And he was wearing a vaguely Hawaiian shirt. And I just wanted to check out. So I walked up and sort of stepped in front of him and he said, oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. And immediately I could tell that he was a weird, crazy person. Not like insane crazy, but like Santa Cruz crazy. Like would have listened to us on college radio. Right. And then called in and complained. But he was so nice and so sweet and he apologized. Sorry because he was in my way checking out or whatever.

And he took a few steps away and the waitress – I mean the checkout woman was checking my – was beeping my things. And the man came back and said, I'm so sorry. He put a purple rock in my hand and he said,'s for you oh wow that's terrific that is a great crazy guy thing do you think i've got troll powers now i should hope so something yeah try it out see if you can eat a goat that's crossing a bridge is that what trolls magic power is yeah goats i'm talking about the three billy goats gruff over here okay yeah i mean i was gonna say i mean there's a lot of power is to eat goats? I'm talking about the three billy goats gruff over here. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, I was going to say, I mean, there's a lot of people that just eat goats that don't have troll powers.

Yeah. I mean, this is specifically a goat that's crossing a bridge. Okay. It's not just a farm goat that you butcher. Got it. This is a goat on the move. Have you eaten goat? Have I eaten goat?

I've eaten goat. Yeah, me too. It seems like... You've eaten a goat taco. Yeah, me too. I cannot remember a specific time that I have eaten goat. It's not that good. It's super gamey. Yeah, maybe I would remember it more if I had it.

Yeah. It's pretty intense and you got to cook it real slow in juices or else it dries out. It's a little stringy. It's all the cans that they eat. Yeah. It's a little metallic too. Fucking goat sm the cans that they eat. Yeah. It's a little metallic, too. Fucking goat's milk. So what did we decide it was?

So we decided that the guy upstairs is dismembering people after fucking them to death with this hydraulic fucking machine. I just want to say right now, this man upstairs is not the great comedy guy, Brendan Hunt. This is not Brendan Hunt. Got it. Who lives diagonal up from me. Got it. Who's a great man who has never been anything but a respectful neighbor. Right.

I was worried. I was thinking, is Jordan suggesting that great comedy guy, Brendan Hunt, is a murderer? No. This is a different man. Another man. Is Jordan making a murderer here? No. I would never make a murderer.

Okay. I would never make a murderer. Got. I would never make a murderer. Got it. Well, that's why we're so unsuccessful. I would jinx you. Okay. And I might serial you. Got it.

But I will never make a murderer. Got it. American Crime Story, O.J. Simpson. The thin blue line. The thin blue line, of course. Has that come on yet? The thin blue line? American O.J. Simpson.

It is, yeah. There's been two of them. O.J. Simpson. Yeah. David Schwimmer from Friends is in it. Yeah. Isn't Cuba good and too short to play O.J. Simpson? You know, I think I heard the discussion of it on one of the chatty culture podcasts.

Maybe it was Slate Culture Gap Fest. No, let's say it's Pop Culture Happy Hour. It was Pop Culture Happy Hour. Our friends at NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour. Whoever was having the discussion really harped on that fact that Cuba Gooding Jr. didn't look enough like O.J. was not the imposing, looming buff guy that O.J. Simpson was. I thought that was an interesting thing to get hung up on. Anyway.

Yeah. I mean, I think he's a good actor. Yeah. But just statue-wise, it doesn't seem to be. He is a noticeably small man. Maybe it's because I'm not prejudiced. But I'm afraid of all black people. Any of them could be potential murderers from the biggest to the teeny tiniest

watch out for those teeny tiny negroes the ones I have in my pocket I think that's going to be Trump's new wedge issue tiny black people specifically Dominique Dawes I think that's going to be Trump's new wedge issue. Tiny black people. America, we have to look out. Specifically Dominique Dawes. We have to build a wall between us and the tiny blacks. With Lego blocks.

So we figure, okay, one of them fucked to death with a hydraulic fuck machine. Right. Bones cleaned with a sander. Yeah. The others are aliens listening to secret messages from Radio Free Jupiter. Exactly. Boy, that solves it. I thought this was going to be more of a knock-down, drag-out kind of issue, but it seems like

we all agree. Yeah, we don't need Starley Kine anyway. Yeah. Hey, Starley, take a night off from solving your... Yep. Jordan. Yes. I would say in eight to 12 months, you won't have to worry about it because those people will be gone and there will be a new set of people in to have their dreams crushed in Los Angeles.

Yeah. Rotating. Once these people's web series don't happen. Yes. Yeah. It's like one of those sushi conveyor belts. Yeah. Those are fun.

Yeah. Maybe the new neighbors can come in on little boats. I always like that. I always like it when the sushi's on little boats. You know what I like? I like, this is not traditional, but I like neighbors with avocado. That is nice, huh? Yeah.

It's the Californian in me. I thought that was a Matisse. Neighbors with avocado? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's good. It's gorgeous.

It's at the LACMA. Yes. Did you see that? Where you It's gorgeous. It's at the LACMA. Yes. Did you see that where you saw it? You saw it at the LACMA? It's smaller than you'd think. It is. I mean, you see it in coffee table books. Right.

You know, this thing looms so large. But it's tiny. Bold brushwork. Sure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, boy detective and i'm dwayne kennedy smut buster dwayne i'm gonna take this opportunity to endorse your new stand-up comedy extra play recording oh no it's dwayne kennedy thanks jess i enjoyed listening to it at the gymnasium where i was doing some iron pumping. Getting jacked. It was hard to get jacked. The main thing I did was strengthen my core from all the gut-busting laughs.

Okay? The gut-busting laughs. But it really is. It's totally hilarious. I imagine, can people go to DwayneKennedy.com or something? DwayneK comedy dot something. Dot C-A dot gov. Yeah.

That's where you go to pay your water bill, actually. If you live in the California area. Band camp. Yeah. And tomorrow on soon to be gouged on iTunes. Hey. Yeah.

Yeah. So there you go. Buy Dwayne Kennedy's album. Dwayne's one of the funniest guys. And if you get the chance to see him live, do you have any dates coming up? I'll be at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase February 18th through 20th. We got fans in Ann Arbor. We did shows in Ann Arbor. People came.

Yeah. Get out there to that show. Including a few homeless people who just wandered around. Sure, get out there. Yeah. Get out, yeah. I hope some homeless people come, then I won't be the only homeless person at the show. Sure.

Yeah. Are you listening, Jim Harbaugh? Get out to Dwayne Kennedy's show, Ann Arbor, Michigan. Are you listening, that delicatessen? Everyone talks about it all the time. Yeah, Zingerman's. Zingerman's, there you go. Oh, I wasn't supposed to say that?

No, I think I know. You put your finger on it there. Sounds right. Yeah. If you're out there at Zingerman's. Dwayne Kennedy, one of the best in the business. One of the absolute best in the business. Go see him do his show because it is hilarious.

I will also mention that I just added some really beautiful new stuff to the Put This On Shop. The new store of my menswear blog, Put This On, some beautiful blankets and cufflinks and desk accessories and stuff like that. And

you can continue to use the code FULLCHORT for free shipping on all of them at putThisOnShop.com. And, hey, any corrections and omissions? Who are we supposed to get at? I forget. John Kasich. There you go.

I think it's probably at John Kasich or – Yeah. It's something like that. I think it's at John Kasich Comedy. Get at him. Should we just – I want to get this this ball rolling and i don't know explicitly if there were any you know uh uh miss miss speaks today because we should probably just do one or two blatantly to just get people rolling get them in the habit of oh good idea john just get a

couple important things wrong yeah um um the legendary battle of the iron-sided ships was a turning point in the Civil War. It was, of course, between the Monitor and the Merrimack. Sure. There you go. When considering the timeline in which the Zelda games happen, the earliest one chronologically is linked to the past.

So just get at John Kasich and correct those. Yeah. If you have a correction for either of those at John Kasich, you can, of course, add a hashtag JJGoToIt. We're on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. We're on Facebook, just like Jordan Jesse Go.

Join the Maximum Fun group there. Reserve your MaxFunCon tickets or at least get on the email list at MaxFunCon.com. Dwayne Kennedy is going to be in Ann Arbor. He's online, DwayneKennedyComedy.com, and his new album is called Oh No, It's Dwayne Kennedy. and his new album is called Oh No, It's Dwayne Kennedy. Brian Fernandez, a.k.a. Sonny D, is our producer, interrupting the show with his laughter from outside of the studio. And for that, we refuse to apologize.

Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and our friends at Light in the Attic Records. We can recommend also that you check out their other new release, which is the box set from Police Academy, from Police, what's his name? Michael Winslow. From Police Academy legend

Michael Winslow. You'll get all the hits from pa-pa-pa-pa-pa to bee-woo, bee-woo. Yeah. The title of that box set, Not Quite Comedy. Not Quite Comedy. be woo yeah the title of that box set not quite comedy not quite comedy

plenty amusing yeah amusing but not quite comedy we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica