Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 418: The Naughtiest Nurse with Mike Mitchell

Episode Date: March 7, 2016

Mike Mitchell from the Birthday Boys joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Mike's favorite gizmos, Mike's life in Quincy Massachusetts, and the best kind of french fry.  Plus, Jesse opens a package of dollar bin comics sent in by a fan.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful evening recording. I really like this mood lighting we've got going on in the studio. We have this LED light bulb in the one kind of bare bulb industrial light fixture that's inside this booth, and it's the kind where there's a remote control. You can change the color.

Yeah, depending on... I mean, I think ideally this would be used to either adapt to or to help change the mood of a party. Right. And I think right now we're kind of like, people are getting here, they're pouring drinks. Right. And later, if you feel like things are getting sexy, there's probably a setting for that.

Yeah. Or we just take off our pants. Yeah. And then either, you know, either what will happen, you know, it's a cause and effect kind of thing. It's either Brian, if he feels like things need to get more sexy, Brian, our producer, he can push a button, Light will flip over. Pants will come off. Or, you know, if we're feeling it first, we'll take off our pants. That'll be Brian's cue to hit the light. I actually have remote control pants on.

It's like jazz. I gave the remote control to Brian. Oh, okay. So he can just control my pants directly. Oh, terrific. It's like one of those, it's like when you want to be. It's like one of those fuck bots. Yeah.

I was going to say like one of those vibrating underwears. Right. And you give the control over to your loved one. Right. And they can buzz your taint while you're at work. I actually have a thing in my butt too. Oh, really? And Brian's...

And Brian controls all of these. Brian, have you got that too? Yeah. So, okay, let me just get a real quick rundown of what Brian has. Okay. He's got the control to change the mood lighting in here. Right.

A control that will fire your pants off of your body. Is it hydraulic? I don't know what the technology is. I'm not a materials engineer. Okay. I mean, I guess I'm picturing something that works like a T-shirt cannon. I'm a marine engineer, Jordan. I don't know about land-based engineering projects.

Anyway, so this... If you said to me, how did they make the Monitor and the Merrimack, I would say, oh, they're ironclad ships. They're iron ships from the Civil War. Okay. I'm a historical marine engineer. So I won't ask you any more about that. Okay. Because you clearly know exactly what you're talking about.

The monitor and the Merrimack. Sure. The iron-sided ships of the Civil War. Yeah, no, I know you have more than two pieces of information about this. I'll just trust that. The great battle. So Brian has- One of them for the South, one for the North.

So Brian has a remote that can change the lighting in here. Yeah. He has a button that can either lower your pants delicately or fire them off your body depending on, you know, hydraulics. Right. And then he also has a button that can vibrate some sort of

device in your anus? It's up my butt. Up your butt. Yeah. Okay. It stimulates the prostate. Hmm. Okay. So is Brian now getting paid extra for this or is this just – did you loop this into his duties? No. He told me that I could lower his pay. Oh, wow.

So he's paying you essentially. He is paying you. Well, we both pay a salary. So he is giving us a discount because he gets off on having this kind of power. Huh. No. Because he gets off on having this kind of power. Huh.

Well, I mean, I think we could, you know, I'm not hard up, but I could use a little more every month. Do you think if I would allow Brian to, you know, randomly, you know, sexually taunt me, then we could get that knocked down to even more? Yeah. I mean, he could, each one of these things, five bucks a month. Really? That is a not insignificant savings, $5 a month. Yeah, geez, that'll add up. I mean, that's like four Cokes. Yeah, geez.

You know what I mean? So let's say once a week you want a Coke. I could use four Cokes. Let's say once a week. I could really use four Cokes. Let's say once a week you want a Coke. Jesse, things have not been going well for me. I could use four Cokes.

Jordan, let's say you want to coke once a week. I do. Okay, but you don't want to coke in that sort of half week at the end of the month. Yeah. Or you want to coke once a week, and it's February, but it's not a leap year, so it's a different year than this year. So that's a solid four weeks, 28 days.

You're all set. Just get that five bucks from Brian for putting a thing up your butt and giving him the remote control. I mean, again, I should probably ask Brian this, but just to get a quote, get a price bucks from Brian for putting a thing up your butt and giving him the remote control. I mean, again, I should probably ask Brian this, but just to get a quote, get a price quote from you. Brian's not on a microphone, so I'll speak on his behalf. What if just before each show I would allow Brian to put a clothespin on each of my nipples? What do you think that would get us? How many cokes?

Describe it in amount of cokes. I'm looking at Brian's hand signals. Do you know those little cokes that they have at the grocery store in six packs? Oh, those are nice. They're only like 100 calories. Three little Cokes. Okay. Great.

Yeah. Let's drop the paperwork. Per month. Do we need a notary here for this? Yeah. Mike Mitchell, are you a notary at all? I'm more of a gizmo guy. I could help you guys more with the hydraulic pants.

Got it. Our guest, by the way, Mike Mitchell, he's a birthday boy. He's one of the hosts of the Doughboys podcast. He's a charmer. And a gizmo guy. And a real gizmo guy. He's a real gizmo guy. What would you say your favorite gizmo is, Mike?

You can have a top three if you want to. Favorite gizmo. So two questions, okay? Number one, what's your favorite gizmo? Okay? Number one, what's your favorite gizmo? Okay. Number two, what's your favorite gizmo? Up our butts. Okay.

Yeah. Answer number one. Yeah. Gizmo from Gremlins. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good call. He's great.

Answer number two, gizmo from Gremlins. So you're not supposed to feed him or get him wet i'm wondering how being showered with poop affects his transformation i'm not sure i apologize anyone not i mean specifically to new listeners but frankly to any listeners sure I apologize that you've been forced by circumstance to listen to this program. Listen, I don't think we need to apologize. I think our listeners should be thanking us because we're about to discuss a very important topic. What's that? How does poop affect the gremlin's metamorphosis?

If he's up your butt. We're not going to discuss that. And he takes a poop in the face. That's the last thing we're going to discuss. Does he start bubbling? That is a good question. What kind of mogwai? Okay.

So Gizmo is a mogwai. He's a mogwai. What is the second phase of gremlin metamorphosis called? It's the egg sac. I don't know if there's an exact. What would that be? What is it when a- A pupae?

A pupus? A larvae? A larvae? A larvae? Maybe. Is that what it is when they're in the cocoon? Whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a pupil. A pupil phase. It's a pupil phase. Yeah. And that's the egg sac where they're metamorphosing into a gremlin creature. Yeah. Okay. Oh, so Gizmo is a mogwai and a gremlin is a gremlin.

And a gremlin is a gremlin. Right. It's very much like the butterfly and the caterpillar. Sure. It's the opposite where the beautiful thing is the mogwai. The butterfly and the caterpillar, that's about the guy who can only blink his eyelashes and he writes a book. You're thinking of Eat, Pray, Love. Okay.

Thank you. Okay. We have something that we got in the mail, and I've been meaning to distribute this for the longest time. I feel terrible about it. What does it have to do with gremlin metamorphosis? I just want it. Nothing? I'm just steering the monitor and the Merrimack away from the reef here. Sure.

The date, December 24th, 2015. Okay. I'm a little late on this. It's okay. A little late, but not that bad. Wait, Christmas Eve this was sent out? The date December 24th 2015 Okay We're a little late on this It's okay A little late But not that bad Wait Christmas Eve This was sent out

Apparently so This is what this guy is up to Or gal is up to This lady This young woman named Dave Just taking a little guess Jew Probably a Jew

Okay Dear Jordan Jesse and guest You're the guest, Mike How'd she know? By the time you bother with this Jews are an intuitive people, Mike I don't know how much you know about them, but

By the time you bother with this package Happy New Year Well, how about this? Happy March something Sure I've been listening to this show since the summer. And I've not a single momentous occasion for which to call. Wow, that is a tortured grammatical structure.

Okay. So I'll do the next best thing and give you some random comic books that I pulled from the dollar bins at work. I probably should have picked more. What does she work, the State Department? Yeah. I probably should have picked more Fantagraphics and Kitchen Sink Press stuff because we're cool dudes that only read art comics. Yeah.

Well, I call them graphic novels. Right. Sequential art. Yeah, sequential art is really good. Yeah. I really only read Maus. I read that over and over. Yeah, sequential art's really good. Yeah. I really only read Maus. I read that over and over. Yeah.

But it's, I like it because it's about the Holocaust. Sure, yeah. But it's definitely, well, in the nature of representation, which is one of my favorite themes.

Sure. Second only to gremlin scat metamorphosis. Semiotics and scatiotics. Yeah. But it's definitely better than all those early 90s, Cat metamorphosis. Semiotics and scatiotics. But it's definitely better than all those early 90s image comics. Enjoy Sincerely. I don't know what these are.

Disagree. Yeah. How could this be better than Savage Dragon? And Prime. I can name things from early 90s. Sure. I had those. Yeah.

Wild Cats. Wild Cats by Jim Lee. All right. What do we got? So these are comics from the dollar bin of a Brooklyn comic book store. Yeah. We're passing these out. Okay. We got Hawkman number seven.

Okay. I need number 12. Oh, okay. Then that one's for Mike then. It looks like Hawkman's fighting a different Hawkman who doesn't have wings. Oh, I like that. Yeah. I mean, I can't. wings. Ooh, I like that. Yeah. I mean, I can't.

Oh. Yeah, he is fighting. I don't know which one is the original Hawkman, unfortunately. This one is definitely called Dinosaurs A Celebration. There's no doubt that that's for you, Jordan. Yeah, I'll take Dinosaurs A Celebration. Okay. Okay, great.

Yeah, this is from Epic Comic Books. I'm kind of jealous. An imprint. Well, great. Yeah, this is from Epic Comic Books. I'm kind of jealous. An imprint. Well, maybe we'll trade. Maybe this will... Let's go through the stack, and then we'll do a little trade session. Oh, that's fun. Yeah.

Okay, this one is... I'm going to take this one. It's a science fiction mixed mystery called The Silent Invasion. That looks fun. Yeah. That comes from our friends at Renegade Press. Oh, this looks like a good one. Atari Force.

Oh, yeah. Hey, I'm going to call dibs on that. Okay. Hopefully this is about Atari characters. Is that guy Atari Force? So there's some sort of goblin, some sort of goblin with a machine gun on this, and he has like a RoboCop-style body armor. Tazlings, it says. And then he is yelling out in a, you know, that comic book when they have like a strange language.

It's just kind of pictograms that you don't know. And then in English, attack. And then more comic book language. My question is, who are the young kids waiting outside the comic book shop for this one to come out? Do you think they existed at all? Or do you think there are fans of Atari Force anywhere? I don't know. Yeah.

I mean, maybe there is some Atari Force collector yelling at their iPod right now. Is Atari Force's worst enemy Q-Bert? I had... Do you want to know... The ColecoVision Club. Do you want to know the extent to which I did not have but desperately wanted a video game machine of my own when I was a child? You never had one? I got one when I was like 12 or 13.

I bought myself a Sega Genesis. Oh, that's great. It was great. It was a lot of fun. Yeah. Thanks, Mike. I bought with my first communion money, I bought a Super Nintendo the day it came out. It was a big day for me.

Wow. What was packaged in that? Super Nintendo. The day it came out. It was a big day for me. Wow. What was packaged in that? It came with Super Mario World, and I believe I also got either F-Zero or Pilotwings. I think I might have gotten both of them. Yeah.

That's a pretty good bundle. It was a great bundle. It was a great, one of the greatest systems, the Super Nintendo. I thought you were about to say it was one of the greatest bundles. You're like, well, I mean there's some other solid bundles. There's better than the Super Castlevania Super Metroid bundle. There's that duck hunt bundle for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

You get the gun. It comes with a gun. That's probably a better bundle than the Super Mario World. I mean, don't tell Jordan about great bundles. Jordan had the Nintendo robot. Yeah, I had Rob the Video Robot. It's a collector's item now. You could probably trade Atari Force. How many Atari Forces can I get for one Rob the Video Robot. That is a collector's item now. You could probably trade Atari Force.

How many Atari Forces can I get for one Rob the Video Robot? Anyway, when I was actually literally a child, like when I was like seven, eight, I wanted a Nintendo because my friend Jody had a Nintendo. Of course. Jody. Fucking Jody, right? And his dad had an Amiga. I bet Joey got to watch R-rated movies too. Yeah.

Well, at the very least he got to play Loom. So anyway, I didn't have one, but my dad was dating this lady who had a son who was older than me. He got his comic books and baseball cards. That was pretty sweet. That's great. You just got them? Yeah, I just got them. It was like a trade.

His Star Wars toys. I only had secondhand toys as a kid at my dad's house anyway. So I had like some Star Wars toys. And this is at a time when no child cared about Star Wars at all. Let's be clear. Like we're talking about 1988 or something. Okay, yeah. It's time had just kind of –

It had come and gone. Gotcha. And the other thing I got was Q-Bert, the board game. Wow. Finally, all the hot video action of Q-Bert. The board, the tile-jumping space alien. The boring version of the video game you got the... The boring version of the already pretty boring video game.

So, Atari Force does not seem to have anything to do with Atari the video games. Nothing? I don't think so. What does the word Atari even mean? Is it something you can copyright? I don't know. Anyway, very interesting. There's an ad for GoBots on the back of this.

You remember GoBots? The Transformers knockoff? Yeah. I fuck with GoBots. Sure, yeah. That was my shit. You preferred them to Transformers? Well, I also got, I had a couple Transformers and a couple of He-Mans,

and they all came from this used toy store in Oakland that I was allowed to go to if I went with my dad to his best friend's house who lived in Oakland. Like, we were sometimes allowed to stop to if I went with my dad to his best friend's house who lived in Oakland. Like we were sometimes allowed to stop at the secondhand toy store and I could pick something out of like a bin of broken toys. But you know that that was so much more magical back then, right? It had to have been, right? Secondhand toy bins?

Yeah. Right? It wasn't a kind of a – I mean, yeah. I mean, what does a secondhand toy store have these days? Just a bunch of Minecrafts and iPhones a – I mean, yeah. I mean, what does a secondhand toy store have these days? Just a bunch of Minecrafts and iPhones and – I'll tell you this. A bunch of discarded Snapchat snaps.

I came home from work and my son was just looking at my wife's phone and my wife looks up and she goes – and she sort of shrugs and she goes, Korean Octonauts, but he's not getting them. What does that mean? He's just looking at Korean Octonaut toys. Oh, okay. I don't even know what they were. I don't know how they ended up looking at Korean Octonauts. Has your son mastered eBay? It sounds like it.

It sounds like he's- Apparently. I love that. Now you can get any sort of toy from any part of the world. Yeah. I miss the toy store because when we were kids, that was – we used to go to Child World with my parents. Child World? Child World was such a great experience for me in Quincy Center.

You'd pick out a little brother or sister. And you would just run up and down the aisle. There were bikes and you'd take the bikes out. And I feel like a lot of those toy stores, I know that there's still Toys R Us, of course. Yeah. But a lot of those kind of local toy stores are gone. Yeah. It's such a magical place. I think the first time I went to a toy store in my entire life was when I was like 12 and it was 13 maybe.

It might even have been 14. And it was Christmas Eve. It was like 9 o'clock or 9 30 and uh my dad just goes oh shit i gotta go to toys r us you want to come to buy your christmas presents for you just to buy my little brother's christmas presents or whatever yeah oh shit i gotta go to R Us. You want to come? Christmas fucking Eve. The magic of Christmas Eve.

Okay, Fist of the North Star. Who wants Fist of the North Star? Oh, you know, that's an anime thing if I recognize the name correctly. I don't. It's for Mike. Yeah. I'm going to try to get the dinosaur one for this one. The story is by- No, I'm not.

You're not going to- No, I don't fuck with that. Anime is boring. Boron-san. Simpsons. Bart Simpsons straight shooter. I know you're a former... I used to work there. Do you mind? Yeah, that one's for you, Mike. You used to be

a writer's assistant there, if I remember correctly. I was, yes. I was an assistant to the writers. The shittier version of the writer's assistant. Dealt more with the food. And I probably, I mean, not probably. I definitely could have become the writer's assistant there. But right around when that opportunity kind of was close to opening up, I was on my way out. So you're like, fuck this.

I have my own show business. I got a podcast idea. Yeah, yeah. No, I love those guys. And as a, you know, as a Quincy resident, Quincy, Massachusetts, do you have any resentment toward Harvard people, which I know makes up a large part of

the Simpsons writing staff? And I know you don't want to speak ill of former co-workers, but is there a latent kind of competition with Harvard types? Quincy is definitely more blue-collar. It's like to the south of Boston where Cambridge is to the north. So it is kind of competition with Harvard types? Quincy is definitely more blue collar. It's like to the south of Boston where Cambridge is to the north. So it is kind of like we kind of were the Boston buffers. But I feel like Boston as a whole, like the locals,

they don't like the college kids as much. Like I think the college kids come in and – Or the blacks from what I understand. Oh, my dear God. Not me. I'm not a part of that. Don't get me started on those college blacks. Oh, boy.

There's – That day when Barry Obama came to town. I know. That – you know what, though? I always – Jordan hears me talk about this all the time. You know what, though? I always – Jordan hears me talk about this all the time. I stick up for Boston a lot too because, of course, it's a very progressive city in a lot of ways.

And then there is – it has its dark moments. But anytime someone is like, ah, what a racist city, I'm like, yeah, but, you know, it's a billion times better than like everywhere in the south. There's so much shit. There was a bad stretch in the 80s. But a lot of good stuff happened there. But you're right. There are some problems with that. There are some problems with they don't like the college kids too much. But I feel like Harvard guys, especially like Harvard Lampoon writer guys, back in the day were such nerds and kind of like such like zero confidence.

This is how I kind of let myself loose and express myself. And so many of the guys who were at the Simpsons were like that. They probably don't like that I'm being like. They were all huge nerds. But they kind of were. Well, I mean they went to Harvard and then worked at the Simpsons. Yeah, yeah. I think it would be a hard, you know, and probably.

Who else worked at The Simpsons with you? It was Joe Namath, right? There was, I feel like there's two schools. I feel like now some of the younger guys that come out of there, they kind of come out more as stars. They come out, they got Twitter handles. They're kind of, they get a little bit more fame out of it. Sure.

And then there's the kind of the old school Harvard guys who are like, ah, fuck that. I didn't have, you know what I mean? I didn't get as much of that. And everybody I worked with there, even like some of the,

the younger Harvard guys, Matt Warburton is like one of the nicest guys I've ever met. So they're, they're, they were all, they were all pretty great. They're, I give them all A pluses.

So fuck them though, right? But on top of it all, fuck them. Yeah, fuck those college boys and their ivory spoon towers. Pinheads. Yeah. Okay, I'm giving you this comic book, Jordan, called Hate. Oh, okay.

So this is a- This one's pretty artistic. Yeah, this is a Peter Badge or Bagay. It says hoser on the back. Yeah, it does say Hoser on the back. That guy's a beloved something, right? Yeah. He's like an irreverent alternative comics guy.

One of these guys. I think he would be in an anthology with a Dan Klaus. Sure. Homer on this. Speaking, by the way, of things that would be in an anthology with Dan Klaus, I've got something for you here. All right, great. Let me see it. Sectars, Warriors of Symbion.

Sure. Spydrax versus Dargon. We're short of Dargon. That's when Mike get that. I made the mistake of getting excited for two seconds. Sectars. Oh, wow. Look at this.

A spider and what looks like a dinosaur spider. Do you think Dargon ever fights Dragno? Oh, Spydrax is the guy, but he's also, this is confusing because it's Dargon is also riding what looks like a spider and he's fighting a man who's also riding a spider. Who's the good guy? Dragon from the Rough Riders or Spy Drax, the popular Oreo cookie alternative. Does this mean that this is in the top right corner?

There's like – is that who the comic belongs to? Is this man up here in the right-hand corner? This man who looks like a fanged chimpanzee wearing some kind of space spider helmet. Yeah. What is the deal with that? Does that mean that – Jordan, you may know this. I think that's Stan Lee. Is that Stan Lee?

Yeah. What's he saying? Excelsior? Yeah. I think, yeah. So there's this character's face. So that Stanley? Yeah. What's he saying? Excelsior? Yeah. I think, yeah. So there's this character's face. So both of these characters look evil. But I guess the one who is in the Marvel logo is probably the focus of the comic.

That's funny. I don't know. I feel like that blonde white one is probably the hero. Oh, okay. Maybe I'm not seeing. Yeah, probably blonde white guy. You're right. Dargon.

Dargon. He's fighting Spidrax there. Spidrax, sure. Do you guys like Stanley's appearance in Deadpool? not seeing yeah probably blonde white guy you're right dargon he's fighting spy drax sure do you guys like stanley's appearance in deadpool i mean uh i i have not seen deadpool but i like everything stanley does yeah i mean cameos included i won't ruin it then you gotta see it okay you gotta see his great cameo in deadpool where you won't feel bad that they pulled this 90-year-old man out to do this one little cameo. Is he just doing push-ups? It's actually kind of crazy.

You know, do you want to spoil the cameo? Let's spoil the cameo. Spoilers for Deadpool. He's the DJ at a strip club. Oh, well, that certainly goes with Deadpool's R-rated too. Yes, 100%. You know, I've heard that this Deadpool is an irreverent takedown and a loving homage to the superhero blockbuster genre. For those in the know, he has quite a few quips. Really?

So is he a hero or a quipster? Well, you know what's crazy about the screening I was at? Do you know how way back in the day they had that film where there was a train and people ran out of the theater? With Deadpool, he broke the fourth wall and people reacted the same in the theater. People thought it was a giant man. We haven't seen Wayne's World. Who was making a joke at them.

They all ran out of the theater. They didn't understand that it was a screen. It was terrifying. They had never been direct addressed before by a movie character. They'd never seen Wayne's World, like you said. At some point, these movies have to dial back the irreverence

because they are doing irrevocable harm to the social order. Sure. I mean, what's a movie and what's real life? Exactly. And what superpower guys are we supposed to take seriously? Sure. And what superpower guys are we supposed to take down a peg?

That's my main issue with Deadpool. And who are the girls and who are the boys? You can't tell. They both have long hair. Mm-hmm. Well, yeah. I mean, what's next? Cyclops talking to the camera?

I mean, guys, can you imagine for a second? Yeah. Cyclops talking to the camera. Cyclops talking to the camera. You might as well tell me that Bob Dylan recorded a Christmas album. Yeah. And the lead single was a funny Christmas novelty song. Did he do that?

Yeah, he did do that. Oh, cool. I remember my dad was a huge- Bob Dylan's weird. My dad's a huge Dylan fan, and I had that YouTube video of one of the videos he made for his Christmas album. And my dad was sick at the time. I remember this. I was like, Dad, you got to check this out.

And I showed him this Bob Dylan video, and he was like, I don't want to watch that. Completely did not like it. And I was like, yeah, you're right not to be interested in it. Bob Dylan just was like an insane human being walking around a house or something. I forget what the video was. Sure. Jordan, great news. What?

I don't know if you already had this, but this is issue number one of Cadillacs and Dinosaurs. Oh, hell yeah. Give it, give it. Now, hold on. He's getting all the dino comics. Yeah, well, Jordan loves dinos. You didn't know that? I love dinos too.

Jordan has permanent dino dibs on Jordan, Jesse, go. That's just the rules. Permanent dino dibs. Yeah, you loves dinos. You didn't know that? I love dinos, too. Jordan has permanent dino dibs on Jordan, Jesse, go. That's just the rules. Permanent dino dibs. Yeah, you signed the waiver. You notarized it, for God's sake. It's a gray area when it comes to prehistoric mammals, like a woolly mammoth or a smilodon. Yeah. Can I call dibs on that?

Giant sloth. Well, we'll decide that by our leg wrestling. It's also in the contract. I think, can we amend that contract and do like a tar plunge off at the La Brea Tar Pits? Hell yeah. They got that plunger in the tar so you can feel what it would be like to be stuck in the tar. Really? Yeah, you can pump that plunger.

We can see who can pump the plunger the most. Jesus. A lot of people think it's dinosaurs at the La Brea Tar Pits. It's not. It's prehistoric mammals primarily. Wow. You know what? Large prehistoric mammals, cave bears and whatnot.

That La Brea Tar Pit is giving Disneyland a run for its money. It really is. They both have similar levels of wonder. I mean, Disneyland has those rides. It has the costume characters. It has the themed restaurants and social spaces. It has, of course, the parades. It has the fireworks shows.

Can I quickly interject? Yeah. La Brea Tar Pits has that plunger you mentioned. Well, don't forget the orange carpet from the 70s. Yeah, exactly. Well, don't forget the orange carpet from the 70s. Yeah. Exactly.

It also has a lake with some school children eating bag lunches. Okay, great news. You're getting yourself a spinoff Tick comic, Mike. This I'm into. A cow? Yeah, man-eating cow. What on earth? And Tick is just in this?

He's on the cover. I think he's more identifiable than man-eating cow. You know, from that Patrick Warburton television series. That was a fun show. I'm not making fun of it. Coming back. Coming back on Netflix. It is, right?

Yeah. It is coming back. I think so. Wait, like they're making more of them? I think so. I think they're just going to put Patrick Warburton in that same suit and just make fun of that. Coming back. Coming back on Netflix. It is, right? Yeah. It is coming back. I think so. Wait, like they're making more of them? I think so. I think they're just going to put Patrick Warburton in that same suit and just make more of them. That sounds like a good idea to me, honestly. I think it's a great idea. I'm not against that.

I mean, honestly, if you told me that they were making Death of a Salesman for Netflix with Patrick Warburton, I'd be like, yeah, let's see what Putty can do. Stick him in there. That's my man. That's my man. That is my man. I wonder, see, I've also talked to Jordan about this off air. Well, we're pulling back the curtain this week. Yeah, I want people to know this convo.

I kind of get annoyed that, you know, they made Fuller House. Yeah, sure. And everyone is like, oh, my God, I can't wait to see Fuller House. Fuller House, oh, my God, it's going to be crazy and stupid and dumb. And then it comes out and people are like, why did they make this? And I'm like, because you wanted them to make it. You wanted Fuller House. You know that shit you were saying earlier?

That's why. Because Netflix doesn't care what you watch. They just want you to pay your nine bucks and talk about it on the internet beforehand. And you were doing that. That's why. Exactly what they wanted. And you probably watched most of it. They're like, ugh, it's so bad.

I'm like, yeah. So is Full House. Full House is terrible, too. Yeah. Watching it, I watched the first episode and I was like, this is arguably better than the original Full House. What is everyone's issue? I don't understand why everyone is so mad about this. Mike, can you walk us through the first episode of Fuller House?

I am curious. I don't know if I have the wherewithal to actually put it on, but I would like to hear you talk about it. So it opens up on the kitchen. I love it already. And then for real, Danny Tanner, a.k.a. Bob Saget, rises up from being crouched down behind the counter to start it off and like says something kind of like self-aware-y or something like that. And then – Like I'm back, baby? Yeah. He says something like that's kind of like in the vein of that but it also has to do with him cleaning or something like that.

I forget exactly. I just like to see him sort of stand up from behind the thing, and the audience is realizing, and he just goes, the pussy was incredible. And then just a kitty cat walks past. And you're like, oh, full house, you're back. And then a nude woman stands up and says, thanks for the oral sex, Bob Saget. I hope that cat wasn't too much of a distraction. They kind of – I mean they don't get that blue. But they go into that territory and then every character is introduced and there's an applause break for each one of them.

Kimmy Gibbler comes over. There's going to be a party. DJ's husband has died about a year ago. Hilarious. So just like Bob Saget's wife died in the original, her husband has died. So this is maybe taking the cue from The Force Awakens. So this is maybe, this is to Force Awakens. Yes.

What Force Awakens was to the original Star Wars, this is to Full House Prime. Yes. Is what I call the original Full House. Definitely. I call it Full House Prime. But I will say that Fuller House is much better than Force Awakens. Which has better oral sex jokes. I guess probably Force Awakens has it, too.

Um, DJ... I loved it when the Supreme Leader said, Snoke my dick. Suck my Snoke. Snoke's one of the Star Wars guys. Yeah. I bet. Oh, you're gonna get caught up on that. Talking about Supreme Leader Snoke's one of the Star Wars guys. Yeah. I bet. Oh, you're going to get caught up on that.

Talking about Supreme Leader Snoke. Is that the shiny lady? No, you're thinking of Captain Phasma. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's the Supreme Leader Snoke. He's big. You know, that's the lady from Game of Thrones.

I know. And you'd think she'd do something in the movie. No. But she does not do anything. Well, she's the plot device that allows the entire thing to happen for no particular reason. Yes, yes.

That's pretty much it, yeah. She has got that shiny head. And then they throw her in a dumpster and you don't get to see it, the fun part of it. Yeah. I will say that Full House, you get everybody's little line.

They say, cut it out and have mercy. You get all of them. You should hope so. Who says have mercy on Full House? That's Uncle Jesse says that. Have mercy. So Danny Tanner and Uncle Jesse's wife, Rebecca, I believe, they're moving down to LA, I believe. Rebecca Romaine Stamos.

Wait. No, no, no. Wait. That's his real wife. That's his real wife. Ex-wife? I don't know the status of Stamos and Romaine Stamos. I mean, ex-wife.

Ex-wife. They're definitely both still fucking. Oh, yeah. Okay. I hope so. You know they are. You were at my house yesterday. So they're going down to Los Angeles or San Diego to start a national news show.

Okay. Joey the comedian is going to start a residency in Vegas. Mm. And Uncle Jesse is going to, oh, he's moving down to Los Angeles to work on General Hospital or something as the music supervisor. Okay. This is all true. Sure.

And then they're all going to move out. They're going to sell the house. Mm-hmm. And then Danny Tanner, by the way, this is as boring as watching the real show. I apologize to everyone. Hopefully there's a lot of real estate talk. He's like, they're going to sell the house. It's worth a lot more.

They actually address – they break the fourth wall Deadpool style because they're talking about Michelle, who is the Olsen twins. And they say, she couldn't be here. She's in New York working on her fashion line. Then they all look into the camera and fold their arms and look into the camera for a good 20 seconds. As if that is a burn. Wait, that's the burn that I heard about so much? The sick burn?

That's the sick burn. Everyone on the internet is saying, oh, they just threw some serious shade at the Olsen twins. That'd be funny if they were like- They just crossed their arms and looked into the camera. Michelle can't be here because she's dangerously thin now. Like, that's a sick burn because she's a skeleton wrapped in scarves. She's in cocaine rehab.

Yeah. Do you remember how, like, a newspaper would say – I don't know. Let's see. Some famous headlines. Dewey defeats Truman. Dewey defeats Truman. Yeah. Now it's Osun twins get thrown shade.

Sure. It's what we read every morning. It's no one – who cares about this at all? But like I said. I read in a newspaper, the New York Times. Maybe you've heard of it. Never. Yeah.

Well, that's what I like to read in my free time uh they gave it to me at harvard when i visited during my four years at uc santa cruz and um i uh i read an article about the guy who created full house profile of him and his uh weird super mansion yes um and he was upset that it's hard for him to get a show made these days. And he was very frustrated about it, which I can understand. I mean, for any creative person, that's one way of looking at it. Any creative person, I can understand how that would be. On the other hand, you have all the money for making something terrible that no one wants anymore. Sure, yeah.

It was even terrible in its time. And thankfully, for the most part, outside of weird nostalgia exercises, the culture has moved past making that kind of television show. Yes, I 100% agree with that. I feel like I was eight years old and I thought it was terrible. No. It was very clearly terrible. That's why I don't understand why people get all upset when they wanted this to come back.

It was never great. It was never a great thing. It's wholesome. I guess if I had kids, even though I'm like you, I'm like, oh, I knew it wasn't good. I preferred hanging with Mr. Cooper. Mr. Cooper, yeah, it wasn't bad. It probably was bad. Yeah.

Yeah. No, Mark Cooper, Mark Curry's fun. He's a fun guy. I feel like all those shows, they had their time and place. They were worth it. Sure. In the early 90s. Yeah, in a world where we had no other choice.

Yeah. And we're stupid. Yeah. Because we were small children. Yeah, in a world where we had no other choice. Yeah. And we're stupid. Yeah. Because we were small children. That was their time and place. And to think of how, like, to go back to The Simpsons, how tame The Simpsons is, like, today. You know what I mean? Sure.

Back then where it was like, you can't watch that. And it's like, that show is, like, about Bart, like, gets sad when he does something wrong. Right, yeah. He has remorse. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. He has remorse. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. No, it is.

But I guess if you are judging it up against Full House, like if you are a parent and you're looking at the two things your kid is watching, your nine-year-old or whatever, The Simpsons and Full House, The Simpsons probably was really shocking back in the day. I think so. Yeah. I feel like I was watching a lot of In Living Color at the time, which looking back on it, I'm not sure whether it was funny or whether it was horrible. I think probably there was probably – When I say looking back on it, I mean in my memory. Sure. Like all the sketches I remember are either Jim Carrey Yellen, which I loved at the time.

Absolutely. I think maybe even still great, possibly. I would have to watch a Fire Marshal Bill. Yeah. Which is also, by the way, a weird sketch where he makes fun of a man who has been burned. Yeah, yeah. And that was my fucking jam. Oh, yeah. I remember going to school and doing Fire Marshal Bill impressions.

Oh, sure. Let me show you something. Yeah. It was a, yeah. I bet you if you watched an episode of In Living Color now, it would be mostly bad, but you would laugh twice. But one of the laughs would be at how Arrested Development just had an old guy in the group named Baba OJ. Sure, yeah. Who just danced around while they were performing.

Like, what's this old guy doing? Doing Mr. Wendell. Okay, what the... This is the Marvel mag of mirth and mayhem. Oh, I want that one! Yes! These are the joke issues that Marvel

I think still to this day puts out. They do it once a year and they give all their characters a nice ribbing. Really? On the cover of this, we have Wolverine. So this is from the year approved by the Comics Code. This is from 1988. We have Wolverine using his claws to roast marshmallows. Oh, that's great.

Hold on. Come on. Yeah, I know. Wait a minute. I have to go back to this. Am I supposed to be, is that supposed to be something I'm supposed to hold with reverence or irreverence? Well, this is the Marvel What The

episode, so all bets are off. Okay. I'm hoping the last comic is a Baba O.J. comic. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! The wisdom of Baba O.J.

Ha ha ha ha! By speech from Arrested Development. Let me keep describing this irreverent cover. You guys might bust a gut laughing. I would love to. We got the Punisher behind him. You guys know the Punisher, right? I might bust a nut laughing.

Sure. You know what? You should come if you you should come if you feel like it okay don't feel like you have to hold back on my account I really

I've already finished okay so you go ahead I hope this results in you coming in your pants yeah behind Wolverine he's toasting a marshmallow

we got the Punisher what do you think this guy's doing I mean this is the this is the the demon of the New York City streets of course the Punisher I don't know if you know this Mike but the but the Punisher, he's a real bad ASS.

This guy loves guns, girls, and gore, and he's not afraid. Who knows it? His shirt is literally a skull. That's how tough this guy is. Anyway, I just wanted to give you some context for Jordan to tell us what he's up to. Because he's sewing. What? I know. What?

What the? What? What? The Marvel Mag of Mirth strikes again. Wait a minute. Hold on. Show me that because I think that that's probably one of the little women. It's the Punisher. It's Frank Castle himself. He explains how to get the skulls in the shirts, right?

You can't just buy those shirts. Yeah, right. Every superhero has to make their costume in every movie at some point. Yeah, right. No one just assembles it via something in a store. Now, hold on. Take a look at this guy from the Fantastic Four. It's Firehead.

And he's reading the comic book that we're looking at. Before I laugh at it, is that the Black Human Torch or the White Human Torch? He's orange. I mean, he's on fire. Okay, good. Okay, so I can laugh at it. Well, Mike, you didn't get the what the comic that Jordan wanted so badly, but you really got the prize of the bunch here. Oh, wow.

It's He Said, She Said Comics presents the Tonya Harding story. Yes. Whoa. Cha-ching. Wow. This looks like a crack magazine produced comic. Yeah. And let's be specific here.

We're not talking about cracked magazine. We're talking about crack magazine produced comic. Yeah, and let's be specific here. We're not talking about cracked magazine. We're talking about crack magazine. The magazine for people who smoke crack. It's from the publishers of Cat Fancy. It's all part of the larger something publishing arm. I was trying to think of a magazine publisher and couldn't. Yeah, sure. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Mike Mitchell, the gizmo guy. He is. He's known the world over. You've seen him on the Rachel Ray show. You've heard him on a syndicated radio program. KTLA News at Four. The gizmo guy. Yeah.

I got my little corner. I show off new gizmos. Formerly Mike Mitchell, the green grocer. Did your new television news as a kid have a green grocer? Green. Oh, yeah, sure. Like a guy who would. Comes on and says what fruit is in season.

I swear to God. That's on local television news. God. The green grocer. A lot has changed. I miss just local news movie guys because I feel like you don't get a— Obviously still in the newspaper, but— Sure.

You don't get as many reviews on the local news. Yeah. I want a perspective on the local movies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Out here, I guess, everything is local, but— Hey, sponsors on this week's Jordan, Jesse, go Jordan.

Let's hear about them. Well, first of all, there's our friends at Squarespace. That's their new jingle. They did not write that. I asked for sheet music. They did not provide sheet music. Okay, but you have perfect pitch. I do.

Me and Chevy Chase, my friend. Hey, if you've got a passion that you obsess over, if it keeps you up at night, if you live for it, you should show it off. Yeah, Squarespace is super easy to use. They have templates. They've got tools. It's what they call WYSIWYG, Jordan. What you see is what you get. Anyway, it helps showcase every detail of what drives you.

If it's worth the effort, it is worth showing to the world. That's what I always say, Jordan. If you want to build a website, Squarespace is the thing to use. And if you want a free trial, you visit squarespace.com slash JJGO. You should Squarespace. Good work, Jordan. Thank you. I like that.

You know what? You should build a Squarespace website. My recommendation to you. Please, because I've been looking to build a website. I was thinking maybe it would be like a personal website where I would, you know, just like tell a little bit about myself, maybe have some links to some writing. I got a better idea. Okay. Go to squarespace.com slash JJ Go.

And then use their templates. Don't worry. They're idea. Okay. Go to squarespace.com slash JJ Go. Mm-hmm. And then use their templates. Don't worry. They're responsive. Okay. They'll be readable on phones as well as on desktops. I should hope so. And laptops and tablets. Perfect.

Hell, they're probably readable on the World Wide Web readers of the future. Motor vehicles and whatnot. Sure. Okay. Take those Squarespace tools. I will. Build yourself a nice website, and I'm going to give you the title. Okay.

Jordan Morris, golden-voiced pitch man. Oh, cool. And then I could just put up some samples. Yeah. I mean, all I would do- And then all the world's finest brands can hire me. They probably got real audio on there. Just record a real audio of you going, Squarespace. And you're all set.

Can I just do a test now and we can just cut it out? Yeah. Squarespace. Yeah. That sounds really good. Okay, great. Yeah, that's a print. That's a print.

Hey, while you're at it, can you also make me the Mike Mitchell the Gizmo guy website? I mean, Mike, it seems like you should probably go to squarespace.com slash jjgo and make that website for yourself. You know what? I say just go to squarespace.com slash jjgo and just change a few things around on your green grocer website. Oh, yeah. Because you got that great green grocer website. That's right. Yeah, I can just update that.

Okay. We also have another sponsor, HelloFresh. It's a meal kit delivery service dedicated to making cooking fun, easy, and convenient. They actually sent you a meal in the mail. Yeah. Each week, HelloFresh creates new delicious recipes with step-by-step instructions designed to take around 30 minutes for everyone from novices to seasoned home cooks short on time. How would you characterize your level of experience? I think I am somewhere between novice and seasoned home cook short on time.

I am definitely short on time. I mean, I know that in college you had that Fry Daddy. Sure, I did have the Fry Daddy, and it does not look like any of the HelloFresh meals require the Fry Daddy. But the Fry Daddy is presumably an option. Sure. I mean, well, if you want to – I haven't looked at these. Again, they sent it to you, not to me.

But I got to figure the directions have – just like when you get a meal, a frozen meal, it has directions for conventional oven and directions for microwave oven. This probably has directions for a skillet. Sure. And then directions for the Fry Daddy. For the Fry Daddy brand fryer. Electric deep fryer. So yeah, they sent me this box in the mail and it's filled with a lot of really beautiful

food. A lot of nice fresh looking meats, veggies, sauces, all the good stuff I need to make this meal. And I am very excited to do it because with my busy go-go lifestyle. Yeah. We should explain, Mike. Jordan is a go-go dancer. Yeah. Well, and also I'm a spokesman for Gogo lifestyle. Yeah. We should explain, Mike. Jordan is a go-go dancer. Yeah.

Well, and also I'm a spokesman for GoBots. Yeah. Mentioned earlier. Yeah. So, yeah, sometimes tough to get to the store and sometimes tough to keep fresh produce around the house because you don't know when you're going to be home to eat it. Right. So this HelloFresh box with all this good stuff in it looks like it's going to be awesome. Yeah.

I'm excited about this. I'm excited about these guys. I'm excited about these guys. I'm excited about these deliveries that come in an insulated box. And you can use the insulated box for other stuff. Let's say you need to deliver a kidney. Oh, perfect. Do you know what I used my insulated box for? What's that?

Well, I emptied it out. I put all that nice food in the fridge. Yeah. And then I used it to watch my cat get into. Oh, great. She got in it. So really, you're looking at a pre-prepared meal plus a cat-portunity. Sure.

Cats love it. I would probably take the ice out because I don't know if there's maybe like a chemical in it. You know, worst case scenario, cat's feet get a little cold. Yeah, plus your cat's already pretty cool. Sure, yeah. Wouldn't want her to get any cooler. But yeah, great food in it. Nice box for the cat.

If you want $35 off your first week of deliveries, you can visit HelloFresh.com, enter promo code JJGO, you get $35 off. Hey, and guess what else, Jordan? What else? Speaking of things that support Jordan and Jesse Go and its production. Yep. The Max Fun Drive is coming up. Oh, my gosh. March 14th, it begins.

And we're doing a live Jordan and Jesse Go to cap off the Max Fun Drive. Sounds like we've got a lot of good stuff in the pipe. We got our best shows coming up for the Max Fun Drive. Yeah. If you're a listener but you have not been a listener for that long, you might not even realize that Jordan and Jesse Go is a listener-supported program. But that really is where the vast majority of the financial support for Jordan Jesse Go. The money that we pay Brian to laugh at our jokes.

Sure. That is not cheap. Yeah. That is not cheap. I mean now we are getting a break because of the erotic stimulation he wants to provide us. But even with those discounts. It's still a not insignificant expense. Do you think that mood LED bulbs are free, Mike Mitchell?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, sir. You got to go to Chinatown to buy those, my friend. You got to get in there in that store that sells those things that go pop when you throw them on the ground. I'm ready for a new mood, too. I want to change it up to a new mood. Brian, can we switch the mood in here? What are we?

Oh, purple. Brian's going purple. Yeah. It sounds like Prince is doing a few surprise shows. College dorm roomie. Oh, here we go. Yeah. Our live Max Fun Drive show is going to be the 25th of March.

The 25th of March, 7 p.m. Pacific. We're going to have all kinds of special guests from the Max Funiverse. Max Funiverse Prime? Yeah. Are we taking it

to the next level? I don't want to. I think we should keep the walls between realities up, personally. Is this a crossover event that's going to retcon all the discontinuities out of the MaxFun universe?

No, I think I personally like the discontinuity. So I think we should keep the barriers up between us and the other MaxFun realm. So do you think that the MaxFun drive this year could be called MaxFun drive, no problem with infinite Earths? Yeah, exactly. Status quo on infinite earths. Anyway, the Max Fund Drive starts March 14th, runs through March 25th. That's when we once a year ask you to support Jordan Jesse Go and all the other shows at MaximumFun.org.

And we hope that you will do that. And we hope you'll spread the word with the hashtag MaxFunDrive. Oh, speaking of which, during the MaxFunDrive this year, we are actually going to have one of our legendary MaxFun meetup days. Hey, excellent. Yeah, go to MaximumFun.org. You'll find more information there. We are scheduling meetups all around the country.

And when I say all around the country, I mean totally all around the country. If you want to host one, just email Stacy, S-T-A-C-E-Y, at MaximumFun.org. Tell her where you live and where you would like to host it. We got L.A., Akron, Ohio, Houston, Texas, Halifax, Nova Scotia. New York is on the way. But you can do it anywhere. Come on, Quincy. Yeah, get in there, Quincy.

Don't let those Harvard boys show you up. Yeah. Yeah, don't let a Harvard cast happen or something. And hey, you know what? Fly in the face of the stereotypes that Mike Mitchell is working so hard to eradicate. Invite us some blacks. Yeah. Invite all the blacks.

You know who I would recommend? Boston-based comedian Lamont Price. That would be terrific. That guy's hilarious. That's a great invitation right off the bat. That guy's hilarious. Yeah. How about Ed O.G. of Ed O.G. and the Bulldogs?

I love it. Yeah, invite him. Who did I see? Robert Schimmel will now pass away. A white man, but he can still go. I don't think anyone would deny a dead white entrance into one of these fun events. March 22nd at 7 p.m. is when the big meetup day is. So we got all kinds of great stuff coming up for you during the Max Fund Drive.

And this is only the beginning. We'll tell you more about it when we kick things off next week. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Ross, boy detective. Mike, the gizmo guy, Mitchell. So you guys have probably added a couple titles to your pull list at your local comic shop by now, right?

Well, I mean, I always get the Marvel what the every year. Okay. Because it's a laugh along with my favorite superheroes. What about Dinosaurs and Cadillacs? Have you got that on your list? I mean, I think it is, it has not been a comic for decades and it is published by a comics company that is no longer a company. But yeah, I'm going to tell them to put one aside for me. Yeah.

I mean, the thing is, is like, you got to put it on your wish list or your wait list in case it happens, you know? Otherwise, the comic store is not going to order enough sure I mean I don't want a second printing right I do not want a second printing

that would be a fucking disaster yeah and you gotta get all the covers too gotta get the variants yeah foil covers embossed covers

sure hologram covers Bruce Tim variants yeah sure what about what about our man from Wildcats what's that guy called again

Jim Lee sure gotta get some Jim Lee variants. I remember his name before. How about this? Eric Larson from Savage Dragon. Oh, man, I want all the variants. Gotta get those Eric Larson covers. What's Savage Dragon up to this week?

I said that to you, Mike Mitchell, as though you had an answer to it. I really wish I knew. I wish I could tell you. They do call you the Savage Dragon, though, right? Isn't that your... Sounds like a drug kingpin. Yeah. The Savage Dragon.

Okay, listen. When something momentous happens to you, you get some great comics absolutely positively for free. Oh, yeah. We ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our beloved segment, Momentous Occasions. Let's hear what the answering machine dragged in. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Sonny D. This is Tim from Oregon calling with the Momentous Occasions.

I was looking out my window. I live pretty close to a train track. A train was going by, and I happened to notice some graffiti on the side that said, Oily Kevin. I really don't know what to say besides that. So, Oily Kevin. Get him, get him, get him. Thanks, bye.

So, Oily Kevin, get him, get him, get him. Thanks, bye. Could be a deviant sex move. An Oily Kevin? Giving him the old Oily Kevin. Yeah, that seems reasonable. I really like, there's a tagger around here who just writes Borat on things. I think it's really funny. I think it's really funny.

That's right. I think it's really great. Perhaps my favorite graffiti of all time. Did you know that all graffiti guys are like 40 now? Oh, yeah? It's like skateboard guys. Kids don't do it. Kids don't get into graffiti. You know how you see people skateboarding and you're like, you're just a 40-year-old

dude. What are you up to, guy? That's what it's like with graffiti guys now. Except for gang members. Sure. Gang members. Gang members will always be 16. That BMX guy sadly just passed away.

Oh, sure. What was his name? I think it was one of those. And I knew this guy. I knew the guy you're talking about because we did many a Fuel TV segment with him. Is it Ralph Macchio? It's Dave Mira. Dave Mira.

Yes, that was sad to see. He passed away? He passed away. What were the circumstances? I think he committed suicide possibly. Oh, that's always even darker. Where were you going with this, Mitch? I was just saying that.

Hey! You know what? The light is blue and I got into a depressed mood, apparently. But no, I mean, I think it's time to... Okay, thank you, Brian, for changing that to... Oh my God, what was I talking about? Let's get that money! Yeah, let's get slightly ill, I guess.

Start to feel a little queasy. Rest in peace to Dave Muir. Yeah. That's where I was going with it. Sure. Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm. Was the guy from Mad Men, you know the guy who buys the thing, the company in Mad Men

with the glasses? Mm-hmm. Is that guy from Spider-Man? Is he the bad guy from Spider-Man? The guy who, the bad guy from Spider-Man? Yeah. Alfred Molina? Who was the bad guy from Spider-Man? Willem Dafoeina? Who was the bad guy from Spider-Man?

Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafoe. Was the Green Goblin. What other thing was the guy with the glasses in? I don't know. I don't recognize him. I think Mad Men always did a good job of having most actors you don't recognize and therefore bring baggage to.

I mean, occasionally Bill Murray's brother would show up. Oh, that's funny. And that was fun. I love him. Which Bill Murray's brother? Brother Boyle Murray? No, it was... That's Bill Murray's stepbrother,. Oh, that's great. And that was fun. I love him. Which Bill Murray's brother? Brother Doyle Murray? No, it was... That's Bill Murray's stepbrother, I believe.

Yeah. Okay. It was one of them. He was the guy who was the alcoholic who got sober. Remember when Bill Murray had a television show that was just him and his brothers playing golf? Yeah. Back when there was a golf channel. Maybe there still is a golf channel.

Is that real? I would love to see episodes of that show. That's absolutely real. I think it was on Comedy Central. Oh, it might have been. It was just a show where Bill Murray and his brothers played golf. That's it. That's all that happened.

Was this like the Insomniac level or era, I would say, like where David Tell was doing his thing? It sounds about, yeah, probably about where it was at. Oh, man, that might have been a fun show. Also, that's so funny to create a show where you just get to golf all day for a man who loves to golf. Yeah, that guy loves to golf. Do you remember when David-

It was like if I had a show about eating pussy. Hey. Do you remember when David Tell- And then a cat comes by. Do you remember when David Tell was on The Sound of Young American when we were in college? Let's see. Was he? Yeah, yeah, he was.

And he talked about Insomniac. It was when Insomniac was still on TV. And the thing that I remember most vibrantly is that, Jordan, you asked him a question, which I thought was a fun question, which was, if you could do Insomniac in any historical time period,

what period would you choose? You know, anything from ancient times to today. And he said the 70s because you could smoke anywhere and you didn't have to wear a seatbelt. He said it so sincerely. He's a man of very particular values. Well, David Tell, you should visit Quincy, Massachusetts. Mike, what was your favorite early Comedy Central program? Insomniac was way, way up there.

Yeah. I remember really liking it, too, and feeling like it was one of those things that I shouldn't be watching as a kid, too. Like, ooh, this is for grownups. Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. It felt one of those naughty. Oh, God. I hate that word. But it felt like a naughty show to watch.

I also like. I hate that word, but it's because your mother was a naughty nurse. She was the naughtiest nurse. The naughtiest. The naughtiest nurse. Oh, wow. What year? 84.

84. She won naughtiest nurse while I was nursing, apparently. 84. 84. She won naughtiest nurse while I was nursing apparently. That was kind of part of what made it so naughty was she was endangering you by having sex with all those coma victims. Sorry, mom. She's going to listen.

You know what? Mrs. Mitchell is a lovely woman. She's a great lady. From what I imagine. And a naughty nurse, as we've already said. I would say the early Comedy Central ones. She's a very lovely woman. I've seen her in magazines. Oh, boy.

Damn it. Oh, boy. And that candy striper outfit. Ba-ba-boom. Wow. Wow. One sponge bath, please. Oh, man.

Call button, can I have some jello? I'm hungry. Excuse me, ma'am, I'm going into shock. I'm never going to be able to kiss my mom again, dude. Pardon me, Nurse Mitchell. I can't find the remote control. And I would like to be watching a falcon crest. Excuse me, Mrs. Mitchell.

I am in horrible pain and would like to die. Please assist me in suicide by smothering me with your jugs. Oh, no. Oh, no. I thought we were out. I thought it was going to be good, but it was bad. She's a regular jugvorkian. Jugvorkian.

It's a jackvorkian, but with jugs. Does that not exist? I should have just gone with jugvorkian. Yeah, you know. We'll fix it in post. That should exist if it doesn't. Yeah, that seems like a good app opportunity. My mom was a teacher, not a naughty teacher.

Okay, sure. And she would be angry when I would watch Insomniac and, oh, God, Make Me Laugh. I can't think of the earlier. Oh, yeah, Make Me Laugh. Yeah. Let's Bowl. Yes, yes. Around that time there

weren't a lot of there wasn't a lot of gold on comedy central i feel like yeah i always watched conan and so when they started playing like conan and snl repeats that was nice to just see him there but there wasn't a lot of great original programming i feel like insomniac might have been might have been it right there's a crown jewel for a while i think i remember how excited my friend evan larson was because he had cable. I didn't have cable at the time to watch reruns, endless reruns of Kids in the Hall. Yes. That was big.

Endless Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Kids in the Hall reruns. And you really could do a lot worse. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Higgins, Boys, and Gruber. Sure, yeah. I don't know. I never saw that.

That's just something I know was on there. I love TV Funhouse. Oh, yeah. TV Funhouse is hilarious. It don't know. I never saw that. It's just something I know was on there. I love TV Funhouse. Oh, yeah. TV Funhouse is hilarious. It really holds up. Yeah. That was a little later, but a lot of funny stuff. Did that have Dave Gruber-Allen at all?

Did he make an appearance? I'm sure he did. He must have. It was Comedy Central in the 90s. Yeah. You got to have a Gruber-Allen walk on at least. How come we've never had Dave Gruber-Allen in here? We should.

I've met Dave Gruber-Allen now, and I've just recently worked with him, and I love him. Oh, he was in Love, right? He's on Love. Oh, check it out. Yep. He's on Love on Netflix. Was it everything you dreamed it would be, working with Dave Gruber-Allen? He's the nicest, coolest dude there is.

He's great. I tried to get him and Dave Koechner on The Sound of Young America. Another great dude. Might have been right after. It might have been 2004, something like that. Yeah. And Dave Gruber-Allen sent me a really nice fax at the radio station saying they weren't going to be able to do it. They couldn't fit it into their schedule, but they really appreciated the interest and I should keep on trucking.

That's awesome. That's the type of guy he is. The naked trucker in T-Bone. That's a nice dude. Yeah. He's the kind of guy who was really gracious with the facts. Oh, yeah. Let's take our next call, huh?

Jordan, Jesse, guest. This is Dustin in Tulsa. The other day, a friend of mine and I stopped at a gas station. As we came out, there was a 90s model Buick Regal parked next to our vehicle. The gentleman in the passenger seat said, y'all eat steaks? My friend said, thank you. And the woman in the driver's seat said, y'all eat steaks? My friend said, thank you. And the woman in the driver's seat said, you know they eat steaks. Have a good day.

Yeah, dope. Yeah. You know they eat steaks. You know they eat steaks. You know it. You know it. These motherfuckers eat steaks. What? Were those two on drugs? Why would you do that to someone? Ask if they eat steaks?

Yeah. Or lie and say that you don't eat steaks. Yeah, why would the yellers who are yelling, do you eat steaks? What are they trying to do? Do you think they're selling steaks? They could be. They could have a trunk full of... Have you heard about that?

People having a trunk full of steaks? Yes. What's the hustle there? I don't know. I don't know where you got them. I don't know how they're being kept cold. I guess they're probably in coolers or the whole trunk is full of ice. That would be kind of cool.

I'd love to buy a steak from a trunk. Yeah. I'd do that in a second. Yeah. I'd buy steaks at Costco. If any trunk steak salesmen are out there listening, you're in the L.A. area, swing by. Mm-hmm. Let me see those chops.

I was watching the Stephen King miniseries on Hulu, 11-22-60 or something. Yeah. And one of the things is that there's time travel involved, and he buys his meat from the 60s and serves it in the current day. Because it's better meat? Because it's better meat, and it costs better meat and it costs only a buck. He charges a buck for the burger. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have that to look forward to. Is time travel economics? That sounds pretty good. It's not bad. It's not a bad show. Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm.

Y'all eat steaks? I hope it was snakes. I hope they misheard. You know what, Snake? That would be great. That would be really great. You know they was snakes. I hope they misheard. You know what, Snake? That would be great. That would be really great. You know they eat snakes. Those are a couple of mongooses.

I told you those was mongooses. I'm with Jordan in that. This couple was 100% on some sort of drive. Yeah. They smoked some crank and they didn they yell about steaks at people. Y'all eat steaks? Because I got quite the collection. Yeah.

I am always so, like, so shocked when, like, just one of those sidewalk guys will yell something at you that is not, like, a direct, like, hey, give me some money. Like, I get that, but just someone going, like,

someone going, like, it's cold all day, right? And you're, like, hey, give me some money. Like, I get that. But just someone going like, someone going like, cold all day, right? And you're like, what do I do with this? Oh, yeah. That, I think, scares me, will scare me more so. Because I'm like, oh, no, is this person now crazy? And they're going to start circling me like a shark. Now, basically, my whole life is dedicated to walking the line between waving to the crazy guy that lives in a van on my street and engaging him in any kind of conversation. Sure.

Like I want him to like me. You want to be on good terms. Yeah, so that if anything goes down, I won't be the target. Yes. And it's solely, I just want it to be one of those situations like I don't have to know how to run faster than a bear. I just have to know how to run faster than you. You know that old joke? Yep.

And so that's – excuse me. That's plenty for me. Like I just need him to – if shit goes down, I need him to fuck up one of my neighbors. I think he probably – I bet you there's people who treat him probably pretty rude on the street. And those guys are lower on the totem pole, so if he has a break, sometimes I see him

like yelling at himself and stuff. Oh, man. Yelling. Yelling in general is scary, so when you're doing it alone. Mitch, what's the crazy guy situation around where you live?

Huh. You live in Malibu, right? In Los Feliz, it's not too bad. I wish I lived in Malibu. No, it's decent. On Franklin Boulevard, there's a couple guys. But back in Quincy, there was a guy named Bugs. And we used to have him buy alcohol for us.

And then sometimes he'd hang out for the entire night. Like he would buy alcohol with us. And just like play Nintendo 64. This like 50 to 60-year-old kind of crazy guy. He was, I believe, homeless. He always claimed to be very rich. I believe homeless. He always claimed to be very rich.

He would – my friend's brother, Mike Ryan, his brother Sean was the only guy who could drive. And we would get bugs in the car and he'd pick us up alcohol and then sometimes we'd ride around. What are you drinking? What's a 16-year-old Mike Mitchell asking bugs to buy for him? At the time, it might have been Coors Light and then like – Classic. They would do like – sometimes you do like Mad Dog 20 – what are they called? Mad Dog 40s or 2020s or something? Oh, I don't know.

I've never had a Mad Dog 40, 40 or 2020. They're like cheap like wine or schnapps. I remember schnapps when we were younger. Like root beer schnapps. Oh my god. It tastes like root beer when you're like 15 or 16 or something. It's very exciting for some reason. And then like I think we would try a lot of different ones

and then it just turned into Bud Light for a long time. But Bugs was the guy that we had. You know what? And I remember my last birthday ever, there was a guy across the street, and I won't say his name, and I like him a lot. He was a great guy, but he was a little bit kooky and went kooky a few times. Sure. And I was having my last real birthday party.

You know, like the last time it's acceptable. Like I had people sleep over and it was like borderline. Sure. Like, hold on. Like I was turning 13 or maybe even 14. Like it was like in between where it was like the guys were like, you shouldn't have a sleepover anymore. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe also don't trick or treat either while we're. It was right in that age range. And then I thought I heard the doorbell rang for pizza. I ran upstairs and it was not the doorbell. There were two cops out in front of this house across the street from me. And this guy who lived across the street from me, I saw him jump off his back porch,

jump over his fence, run down to the bottom of his hill, because I live on hillside, and stared at me for a good 30 seconds and then ran off down the street. Wow. When the cops were waiting outside his door. Did not get caught.

I saw him run away from the cops. Did you say anything? No, I was like, I'm going to go back inside. This is the first time you're admitting the secret. I'm admitting the secret. Wow. And I closed the door and waited for the pizza. I never said a word.

Well, if there's any unsolved crimes that happened in the Hillside neighborhood of quincy and he's still on the 1995 yeah for that i i remember that very vividly that i can help you not have that same confusion in the future uh-huh so the doorbell for the pizza goes ding dong no see that is now this is where you're wrong But the sound of the police is whoop, whoop. Mike, did you have a different doorbell situation? I had, the basement had a buzzer that was like, eh. And sometimes when people were moving around upstairs, it could sound like it was buzzing. Gotcha. Yep.

But you're right. Whoop, whoop. That's the sound of the police. Sure. Buzz, buzz, basement doorbell. Time for pizza. That was actually KRS-One's. Sure. Buzz, buzz, basement doorbell. Time for pizza. That was actually KRS-One's first draft. Buzz, buzz.

Buzz, buzz, that's the sound of the basement doorbell. I guess that pizza's here. Do you guys all have cash or should you pay me back later? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. go hi I'm Mark and I'm Hal and we're the hosts of we got this the show that offers definitive answers to dumb debates that you suggest every Wednesday we discuss the hot

button topics you never knew you cared so much about like whether you should pick ketchup on a hot dog what's the best Star Wars movie whether it's better to be too hot or too cold coke or pepsi best marvel movie which is the best religion i told you we're not doing that one so join us every week on maximumfun.org and don't worry everyone we got this Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio. Jordan Morse, Boy Detective.

Mike Mitchell, Gadget Guy. Gizmo Guy? Gadget Guy. Oh, wait, shit. It is Gizmo Guy. No, I mean, you can change it if you want to. This is your identity. No, I'd rather you stick with Gizmo Guy.

I'm Gizmo Guy. I disagree. I think, Mike, you should live your truth. I'm Gizmo Guy. I disagree. I think, Mike, you should live your truth. I'm Gizmo Guy, the gadget guy. Thanks to our guest, Gizmo Guy, the gadget guy. Mike Mitchell, let's say people want to enjoy more of your patented brand of Quincy, Massachusetts humor. Where could they pursue such an activity as that? You can visit Quincy, Massachusetts humor. Where could they pursue such an activity as that? Well, you can visit

Quincy, Massachusetts. Just walk around. Most guys look and act like Mitch. Hey, we got John Adams birthhouses there. John Quincy Adams. The Adams Mansion. A lot of Adam stuff. First Duggan Donuts.

Adam's Family. Adam's Family Hey. The Adam's Mansion. A lot of Adam's stuff. First Dunkin' Donuts. Adam's family. Adam's family values. I host a podcast with a guy, Nick Weiger, who you guys have had on here a couple times. It's called Doughboys. It's a fast food review podcast. We've had Jordan on, and we've got you on, Jesse. It's going to be great. I will say that I listen to Doughboys

every week without fail. It is a hilarious show. Mike is fucking hilarious on it. Nick Weiger is great on it. Two of the funniest guys in history, and it's a great show. Can't miss. Well, we owe a lot to Jordan because we had him on when it was kind of an early baby

podcast, and he showed us what the fuck to do with ourselves because we had no idea what the hell we were doing. I'd suggest you diverge into bullshit. You're talking about a topic. I'm like, nah, nah, just go off and talk about an unrelated thing. And we have taken that advice. Good, good. The classic mark of Jordan Justico unprofessionalism.

No, we love it. Okay, tell me what a fast food is that you've reviewed recently. classic mark of Jordan Justico unprofessionalism. Tell me what a fast food is that you've reviewed recently. We just reviewed Wendy's. That was a big one with Paul Rust. The whole restaurant? We reviewed the whole restaurant. We don't do the whole menu, but we'll have a guest and then

each of us will have a meal there and we'll break down the meal and then we'll rank it out of a possible five forks. Five forks and higher, you're in the Platinum Plate Club. Four forks and higher, you're in the Golden Plate Club. What about three? Let's say you get three forks. Under that, you're just kind of screwed.

You're just a restaurant. Yeah, you're just a restaurant. Okay, two? Two. Well, there are lower ones. You know what? We should make awards for the lower ones. See?

Well, let's say you get one more. Because I think Doughboy's listeners will agree with me. Yeah. If you listen to the show, you will agree that if there's one thing I think that Doughboy's would benefit from, it's a more complicated ranking system with more tiers and caveats. It's a huge – it's a terrible mess. It's a labyrinth. It's a labyrinth.

It's in – right now we're doing a tournament, Munch Madness. And we're ranking out of 10 possible basketballs, if that makes any sense. It doesn't. So that's what we're doing right now so by the time uh your listeners hear this our podcast will be off the air canceled by the internet by collective fiat uh joking aside it is a great show. I laugh a lot when I listen to it.

Always good to get your guys' sincere, passionate food lovers take on some of this stuff. It's really great. I couldn't recommend it more. Thank you. And Weiger is a great guy. And the only other thing I'll plug is Love on Netflix, which is Paul Russ' show, which is a buddy of ours. He's a great guy. Yeah.

A guest on here last week. And yeah, Mike, you are in quite a few of the episodes of Love. And it's a great show. You're great on it. Yeah. I'm happy for that guy. He's great. Sure.

Can I ask you a real quick food question? 100%. I'd love to. What's better, curly fries or straight fries? We've talked about this a bunch actually. And we – this is sad. During Mount Frymore. We have Mount Frymore to make things even more complicated. And I say that the best version of like a straight crispy fry is the best you can do.

But I love curly fries. I'm not going to throw shade at the curly fries like Fuller House did to Michelle. I love – Your arms are uncrossed. I can confirm that. I love – how do you feel about that? I love like the best version of a crispy regular fry. like the best version of a crispy regular fry. Okay.

So I like like – I'm not a huge potato guy overall. Are you a rice guy? Because this is a real question because I usually feel like it's like you're a rice person or a potato person. I would prefer rice to potatoes. I don't love rice either. Okay. I like pasta. Yeah.

Pasta is my jam. Yeah. If you're looking to fill yourself up with some empty calories, pasta's my choice. But anyway, like if you're talking about like a French restaurant skinny fry, that's probably my favorite type of fry. Got it. A fat fry, I have no use for at all. Wow. Like a steak fry, I would rather not have it put in front of me. What if it's really crispy though?

See, if it's really crispy. No, because I don't like the mushy part in the middle. Yeah. Okay. So that's- That's fair. But if we're talking about a choice between like a McDonald's fries and a curly fries from Wendy's or something like that, I will go with the curly fries. And I'll tell you why.

I like this. If they're going to be not to my standards of crispiness, which they never are from one of these places, I would prefer that seasoning on there. That makes sense. And I think that the curliness is fun. I feel like that you could make a great debate on Doughboys. We got to get you on there because that is – I feel like that is the main issue when fries aren't good. They're just not really crispy and hot, right? Sure.

You're right. Mask it with some shitty fucking salt. Sure. Put some red MSG on there. Let's do this. Yeah, I kind of feel like you will never have an amazing curly fry. I think you can have an amazing regular

fry, but the curly fries have more of a chance to be pretty tasty. It's a gambling man's order. I guess not a gambling man's order. If you're a safe bettor and you want a side that you know you're going to enjoy, curly fry is probably pretty good. Can I suggest something to you, Jordan? Please. order. If you're a safe bettor and you want a side that you know you're going to enjoy, curly

fries are probably pretty good. Can I suggest something to you, Jordan? Please. Because I know you're a mid-level home cook. Mm-hmm. Sure. And I know you love that fried out. Mm-hmm.

Can I suggest this? You know, people talk about is it better to fry the fries twice. Mm-hmm. That's often a technique for home fries, but it can be hard to make tasty home fries. For sure. Start with a waxy potato, like a yellow potato. Okay. Slice it thin and cook it from cold oil.

Just let it be until it starts to get up off the bottom of the pot from cold oil. It takes a while, but you will get a surprisingly fantastic French fry. Well, if it takes a while, I don't know that I can do that because I've got to be at the Go-Go Club. Well, listen. I have to work for Go-Go. Just fly the internet. Wake me up before you go-go?

Sure, yeah. Well, our producer is Brian Fernandez, a.k.a. Sonny D. Mike Mitchell's been our guest. The Max Fund Drive starts March 14th. We hope that we will have your backing and support. And if you're already a donor, you can think about increasing your donation. And also we hope that everyone will be talking about the Max Fund Drive on Twitter and on social media, sharing why they love Maximum Fund.

That's my favorite part of the whole thing. Always a blast. We're so grateful to every single one of you who supports us and what we do. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of our friends in The Free Design and Light and the Attic Records. We will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Jordan, Jesse, go.