Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 420: You Gotta Nugget That with Josie Long

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

Josie Long, England's number one celebrity, joins Jordan and Jesse for the second week of MaxFunDrive 2016.  Jordan's local Shakey's Pizza Parlor has upped their game, Josie loves eating in America, and Jesse's son Simon has an ambitious new project.   Plus, Jordan has a new incentive to add to the list of MaxFunDrive bonuses for new and upgrading donors!  Go to MaximumFun.org/Donate to support the shows you love.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you, friend? I'm doing good. Saw a funny sign on the way in. Well, howdy do! I mean, is this something we want to, like, tease? Do I hit people with the funny sign?

I mean, what would we do? Do we introduce our guest and talk about the funny sign? I don't know. How do you want to do this? Because I feel like I am paralyzed by delight. Uh-huh. So my decision-making is shit right now. Right, because you're having a hard time even moving your extremities.

Yeah. Because of the delight. Uh-huh. And I was bit by a snake earlier. Can I give you an as if? I know you're a Method podcaster. Sure. Thank you.

Thank you for recognizing my process. It's very important to me. It's as if you are Oprah and you saw a delightful sign on the way over. What would you do then? I think what I would do is ask you, my friend Gail, who is delightful on CBS This Morning, by the way. Yes! A lot of people think that I'm Charlie Rose on CBS This Morning, but I am not. I am Gail from Gail and Oprah.

Yeah. Well, I consider her from CBS This Morning at this point. I do not associate her with Oprah now. Can our guest, who we haven't introduced yet, be Stedman? Yeah, sure. Okay, great. The whole Oprahverse is represented here in the studio today. What is it?

You're giving a really... Okay, our guest... I'm just going to introduce our guest. So we can hash this out because we need to figure this out. Our guest on the program, probably... I mean, we might as well say it. England's biggest celebrity. England's number one celebrity.

Ladies and gentlemen, someone from Big Brother. Which is still a major cultural force over there, from what I understand. I may be wrong. No, you're really not. That's the bleak part. She's a stand-up comedian, radio and television personality, a delightful charmer. Thank you. Miss Josie Long.

Hello. Also, very happy to be Stedman. I'm very happy to be you. Okay, because you could be Dr. Phil if you want. Oh, whoa, hang on. I'll be Dr. Phil. I would also happily, despite the scandal, be Dr. Oz. Okay.

That's because of your commitment to superfoods. And lying. And junk science. You love junk science. Oh, if I can get a graph. Oh, yeah. Don't care how it's labeled. I mean, not at this hour.

If you would have let us know ahead of time that you're going to need a graph for your little presentation, maybe we could have had one made up at Kinko's. Yeah. But now, I mean, that's just, it's crazy. I'm going back to Stedman now. Okay. Okay. That's a good call.

He's got that nice mustache. So, do you guys want to hear about this sign? I'm actually over it. Okay. Yeah. Should we move on? No, I'd love to hear okay uh so this is okay let's back up uh it is in the genre of koreatown sign that maybe doesn't understand

what it means in english right so here in here in los angeles is koreatown. There is a huge population of first and second generation Korean immigrants who are able to live in an insular Korean language world because of the size of the population. And so sometimes there are, as there was a sign by my house when I lived in Koreatown, steamed dumpings. I mean, maybe the most popular, Young Dong Restaurant. Although I don't think that's a spelling. I think that just means something different. Anyway, so to this point, my favorite Koreatown bar sign was hangovers. To this point, my favorite Koreatown bar sign was hangovers because it just associates, it reminds you of the worst part of drinking before you go into it. Like calling your restaurant bloaters.

Yeah, right. Diarrhees. Straight through. Yeah, yeah. Oh, honey, I got us a six o'clock reservation at weight gain. It's like calling your brothel hepatitis C-Ease. I don't know. Is that not what I should call my brothel?

Probably not. You should probably call it something sexy. Which hepatitis should I name it after? Yeah. Hepatitis sex. I once wrote a joke about hepatitis that I was really pleased with. It was like I did a quiz. Which hepatitis do you have? I got C, which means I do not have hepatitis that i was really pleased with it was like i did a quiz which hepatitis do you have i got c which means i do not have hepatitis like i was so pleased with it i thought it was like

such a clever joke like it's about like yeah yeah a b and c you've taken a quiz it's like a scantron joke never did well i guess it's like people are like people are hurt like that's a serious disease you can't yeah knock around with a quiz. People are worried that you'll give them hepatitis. Well, they ought to be. You're spreading it around a little bit, huh? You've got that airborne hepatitis C, right? Pow, pow, pow. Blast it out like a cloud.

I never thought Oprah would treat me like this. I guess I do have a fantasy, and I have not been into hangovers. You have a fantasy about getting hepatitis C? Yes. One of these days. One of these days I'll get married, settle down, get that hep C I've been wanting so bad. Yeah. Always a bridesmaid, right?

Yeah. Right? Yeah. I would like to go. I should go into hangovers to just squelch the mystery, do like of like thinking about it as a hangover themed bar where you just like take a terrible dump and then you lay on a couch and watch anchorman uh but the i think hangovers is trumped by the new koreatown bar bar beer-ca-holic. It's like an alcoholic, but for beer. Yeah. Yeah.

Clearly, I mean, it's meant to, you know, to suggest someone who just is crazy about beer. Yeah. I'm a beer-ca-holic. Yeah. Can't get enough of the stuff. But there's already a word for that. Right.

Code alcohol. Alcohol. Right. Yeah. Well, maybe they just like, they don't have the right license this is a beer and wine only place are you sure it doesn't say bierko holic so what is that someone who can't get enough craig bierko who's craig bierko oh he's a minor television and movie star. Oh. It could be. What scene, please? Sour Grapes, the Larry David movie.

Okay. Touring companies of the Music Man. Okay. He's probably not that. He's a guy that I always think is in Wings, but I think he's the one that's not in Wings. I'm thinking of Steven Weber. Yeah, there you go. That's the one.

I always think that Vierko's in Wings. It's Steven Weber. Yeah. But I mean, maybe this is just part of a larger Koreatown movement to like kind of warn you about the dangers of alcohol before you go into a bar. It's a kind of a realistic naming convention. Like a temperance movement, but sly. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And it's working. Yeah, that's true. None of us have been in those bars's working yeah that's true i've also been in those bars no that's true absolutely and yeah i think we've probably given it a second thought you're like you know what i don't need this hangover oh i don't need this addiction speaking of which that i there's a sign um that i walked past that said yesterday that says you will it's like an ad campaign it's like buzzed driving is as bad as drink driving sure and i've never seen anything that felt so much more like somebody's dad trying to be cool hey buzzed driving is still but like who's this buzzed how did they have that meeting well i'm just i'm buzzed yeah yeah uh i saw a site on the internet that said, to a public library, that said, I got 99 problems and a book ain't one.

That is pretty cool. That's cute. That is pretty good. I mean, that is pretty cool. That's a Jay-Z song that white people have heard of. Uh-huh. And yeah, it's like, you know, really like makes you want to reconsider books. Yeah.

Because I thought they were uncool for a while. That's true. Turns out they are. I know maybe you thought, a book sounds like it would give me a problem. Yeah. Hang on. Wait, this book isn't going to be a problem. No.

When I visited the elementary school in my neighborhood that my son will be attending, Barring Catastrophe, they have a computer lab, which is nice. I did not know the school still had computer labs. I thought children just had computers now. Just have like an iPod? Yeah. A pad? Yeah.

They just give them Google Glass before they walk in. They just give them a Zune and see what they do. Yeah. Let them go to town. Yeah. You would probably play Centipede on a Zune. Sure. You know?

Or like a Centipede knockoff. They probably can't call it Centipede. It was probably like Insect Blast. Yeah. By the time you get to middle school, that's when you get to play Drug Wars. Bug Shoot. Yeah. I used to love that game. Yeah, there you go. Did you play it on a graphing calculator? No,

I just played it on a home PC in about 1999. Oh, wow. You were very late on that game. Oh, yeah. But Alpington, you know. I feel like people were playing that on a graphing calculator in 1994. Oh. I have like people were playing that on a graphing calculator in 1994. Oh. I have gotten the occasional Facebook invite to play a Facebook version of Drug Wars.

Really? I don't know if it's associated with the graphing calculator game. Wow. Did you get it on graphing calculator Facebook? You know what? I was, yes. I was booting up my Facebook app on my TI-83. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Man, I have a TI-81. All it has is MySpace. Hmm, interesting. Got to upgrade. What was I saying? Oh, they have this computer lab. As far as I could tell, the main thing that goes down in this computer lab,

from all the descriptions that both the child tour guides gave us and the accredited... Child tour guides? Is that like the accredited... The accredited... Child tour guides. Is that like a child soldier? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely, yeah. They were West African. They looked very sad.

Sure. You got a handful of blood diamonds at the end. That was nice. The main thing that they do in this computer lab, apparently, and I don't know if this is something... Josie, just so you know, I'm a millennial. But I don't know if this is something that Generation Z does a lot. Whoa, hang on.

Is Generation Z after millennials? Yeah. Whoa, okay. Yeah. And Generation Next is some sort of Pepsi generation? That's people who have points, yeah. Okay, sure. Pepsi points.

Yeah. The main thing that they do in this thing, apparently, is read a book and then take a quiz about the book to prove they read it to get book reading points. Whoa, and then what can they buy with book reading points? I don't know. Is it like when you go to... Adderall, probably. I've got to get my fixall probably yeah sure bitcoin yeah where they can spend on the dark web oh which they can also access through the computer lab that would be so fantastic i mean if i'm to guess i would love it if the whole if the whole computer lab

of the elementary school was dedicated to the dark web yeah i mean you got to teach kids how to navigate the dark web you have to otherwise where are they going to get their child pornography sure synthetic drugs yeah parts of a gun but not a gun if you gotta get parts of a gun how you gonna build a gun yeah i i it's i mean never mind um uh if i'm you know if i'm remembering you remembering points-based reading from my youth... What kind of points-based reading did you do? Like summer reading, where you would read books and then redeem them for points. Whoa, hang on, what? You don't have this in the United Kingdom?

No, we have quite rigorous educational standards. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You're probably well-educated to begin with. So you do not get baseball tickets depending on how many books you prove to the librarian you read or the librarian. Or the Liberian if you're a child soldier. We had no prizes. This is actually quite distressing.

Because also I was a real nerdy kid and i worked really hard at school and i didn't i got nothing for it i know we know how nerdy a kid you were we heard your hepatitis c joke great great joke guys but your standardized testing humor is so if you worked really hard at school yeah they would give you no prizes extracurricular yeah this is like extra reading this was not like this is like over the summer. Yeah. And there may have been school year points-based reading to be done. But I just remember the like summertime reading things.

You know, you would prove to this librarian that you had, you know, read X amount of books. And I think it's probably pretty easy to lie, but. You made a list. One time the librarian thought I was lying. And I wasn't, which is the saddest part you had read atlas shrugged you'd either get a personal pan pizza yeah or a sega genesis holy shit wait yeah like why why didn't i live in mission viejo they were giving away sega genesis well, I think the Sega Genesises... The best we got was upper deck tickets to a Giants game that no one wanted to go to.

I think the Sega Genesis was... I think there was one Sega Genesis in the library. For the champion? Yeah, and it's kind of like a Sega Genesis that... I'm guessing based on the posters, that was Whoopi Goldberg. Sure, yes. It was an owl with a graduation hat on. I think the Sega Genesis was just super aspirational in that getting one was so impossible.

It's like getting an iPod at Chuck E. Cheese or something like that. You would just never be able to get it, but it was there. And I think more realistically, you're getting a personal pan pizza out of the deal, which is not that bad. I think more realistically, you're getting a personal pan pizza out of the deal, which is, you know, not that bad. But getting a Sega Genesis is almost saying, great, I'm never going to read again. Yeah, now that I've got this, yeah, fuck you guys. I'm just going to play Streets of Rage. Although, to be fair, apparently you were pretty enthusiastic about text-based adventures well into the late 1990s. It's true. I'm not going to lie to you.

Well into the Sega CD era. Josie Long was playing text games on her home PC. I'd still be doing it now if I could. So what in England, was there any way to get a personal pan pizza? Well, I tell you something for free. You could have a mother like mine. Have you been charging for the rest of this?

Have I been what? Have you been charging us for the rest of this? I'm concerned about this. I'll tell you something for free. Yeah, I mean, it racks up. Okay. I'll give you an invoice at the end. But I'll tell you something for free.

My mum was very poor on nutrition for me and my sister. So she would give me often to eat like microwave chips, microwave fries. Thank you. Microwave doner kebabs that you'd put whole into the microwave. And she would often give me like a personal microwavable pizza, which I feel is like a personal pan pizza. Yeah, I think this is a similar pizza. Yeah, although there's a certain amount of ambiance that's missing if you're if you're not actually in the pizza hut sure yeah oh okay so it's a pizza hut pizza i definitely have one of those okay yeah i mean this is from the in the in the heyday of

the dine-in pizza hut which is not really around anymore but they were just beautiful brown buildings gorgeous brown on the inside absolutely Absolutely beautiful. You could sit down. Really celebrating the word hut. Yeah, sure. Showing what a hut could be. Right, exactly. This is the best hut you've ever been in. Jordan, you ever go to Shakey's as a kid? We went to Shakey's a little bit.

That was one that my family hated, and rightfully so. I think Shakey's is pretty gross. I mean, Pizza Hut is also horrible. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, yeah. But Shakey's, oh boy, is't get me wrong. Yeah, yeah. But Shakey's, oh boy, is that a sad situation. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, Shakey's is very, there's like, they leave it out. Like, it's in steam trays and under heat lamps. Like, it's basically like eating 7-Eleven food. Whoa, so it's a pizza place. You got pizza. The three pillars of the Shakey experience. The pillars which hold up the, I don't know, coliseum? Who knows? The edifice.

Yeah. So you got pizza. Sure. Fried chicken. Oh, delicious. Mojo potatoes. What is mojo potatoes? It's like a disc, a fried potato disc that you scoop out of a steam tray.

Oh, my God. Shaky sounds like a genius. Yeah. You know, I mean, it sounds lovely in theory he was known as the rembrandt of the steam tray uh so yeah i mean i think we went to a couple of like t-ball good jobs at shaky's right but we would never go there as a family the real the real prize of the san francisco bay area uh children's pizza scene scene was a place in Burlingame, I want to say, maybe San Mateo, something south of San Francisco,

called Pizza and Pipes. Pizza and Pipes is where Tony McCauley had his birthday parties. Tony McCauley had Nintendo and a Sega Master System. Whoa, sorry, what? I know. You don't have to tell me. And he was a Sega Master System. Whoa, sorry, what? I know. You don't have to tell me. And he was a karate black belt. Anyway.

Did you ever go to that house? Because that sounds like the hallmarks of a compulsive liar. I went there one time and I saw them both. That's how I know. Okay. That's a good point. Although, to be fair, he would also claim to have a TurboGrafx-16, which he did not have.

He was completely unfamiliar with the Bonkaverse. Have you kept track of him? Are you friends on Facebook? Do you know what Tony McCauley is up to now? No, I don't know. After I told a semi-racist joke at the dinner table at his house. I'm going to repeat the joke and I'm, I want you to understand

that it's not a tasteful joke. Sure. It's not super racist and it's not a great joke, but I thought it was funny when I was eight and I read it out of a joke book, a current joke book.

Now, granted, it was an Australian joke book that my grandparents had brought me. It races against Aborigines? It's a joke. It's a joke. It's like an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinese person are having a balloon race or something. And as they're passing over England, the English guy says, oh, my beautiful England.

And then as they're passing over Ireland, the Irish guy says, oh, my beautiful England. And then as they're passing over Ireland, the Irish guy says, oh, my beautiful Ireland. And then the Chinese guy feels left out. So he throws the plates overboard and he says, oh, my beautiful China. Now, Tony Macaulay was half Chinese, which didn't even occur to me to be embarrassed about that at the time. This has bothered me for 26 years now. I was eight then. I'm 34 now. But anyway,

that and then also one time we got rear-ended at the Toll Plaza at the Golden Gate Bridge and my mom didn't call Tony, didn't bring Tony McCauley home right straight away because everybody was fine

and then Tony McCauley's parents flipped out. Oh, and also, I said hell too much. Sure. So those three reasons got me banned from the McCauley's parents flipped out. Oh, and also I said hell too much. Sure. So those three reasons got me banned from the McCauley household. It sounds like you had a lot. I was like bad influence.

Sounds like you had a lot of chances. I know. And I blew them all. Tony McCauley was often all-time quarterback when we played touch football too. This was important. This wasn't about more than just pizza and pipes. So what was it? Pizza and like smoking pipes?

Yes. Yes. It was a children's tobacco. It was a children's tobacconist. A children's tobacconist. It was fruity tobacco. It was a pizzeria that also had an enormous pipe organ. No.

Yeah. Do you think they got the pipe organ first and they were like, how are we going to market this? Pa-pa-pa-pa-palenta. No. Pa-peas. Pea soup. Okay. Well, we still have the pipes, right?

Yeah. The pipes aren't going anywhere. No, no. That's part of the deal. Part of the deal. I mean, we could have them removed, but it would be at great expense. Frank, we spent $50,000 on these pipes. Can we please come up with a restaurant concept that complements them?

Hold on. Frank, it's got to be something family-friendly here in Burlingame. And also, it has to complement the pipes. Pot roast. Yeah, pipes and pot roast it is. We'll see how this goes. If it doesn't, we'll sell it to that pizzeria guy. And the rest is history.

Yep. I drive by a Shakey's on the way to work. Yeah. And Shakey's in like central Hollywood are real, real sad places. Well, almost everything about Central Hollywood. For those who don't live in Los Angeles, Hollywood is so much sadder than you. Like speaking as someone who comes from a city where people will often say like, oh, it's so sad. Like it's whatever.

It's dirty. It's full of homeless people. Like whatever. Hollywood really does have an air of sadness. Sure, sure. It's a rough place and the Shakeys are no exception. It seems to be always seemed, and I have not been in one in a long time, but just like the parking lot of a Shakeys in Hollywood is like,

this is, something is happening, you know, something is going on here, and it's not great. Yeah. It's something that should be. Shakeys, something is going on here, and it's not great. Something's going on here, and it's not great. Yeah. It's something that should be. That's their slogan. Shakey's, something is going on here and it's not great. Something's going on here and it's not great. Yeah. At Shakey's.

I feel like whatever is going on in the Hollywood Shakey's parking lot is something that belongs not in that parking lot, but on the dark web. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Some people are trading uh they're trading something for gun parts probably do you know what's really naive about me i guess i thought i thought the dark web didn't exist anymore like in my head i was like i feel like there was a clamp down and now it's out sure they took care of the dark web they stopped it zuckerberg pulled the switch yeah like i had friends who'd got drugs on the Silk Road. Yeah, well, they closed the Silk Road. And I was like, well, that must be the dark web over then.

I won't say what celebrated indie musician said this to me because it's an admission of criminal acts. I think I'm going to guess. However, I was in, let's say, another city, hanging out with a charming and pleasant indie rock musician who's one of the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet. Just a real peach, a real sweetheart. TV on the radio's Tunde Adebembe? I'm not going to say. Okay.

I am not going to say. Okay. It was Chuck Berry. Okay. I am not going to say. Okay. It was Chuck Berry. Okay. I'll think you consider Chuck Berry indie rock. It's an odd characterization of what he does. It would never catch up. Would you call it indie pop?

Yeah, I mean, you know, indie is so loose. Shoe gaze. Yeah, sure. That's his signature dance, shoe gaze, sure. So this charming indie rock musician was like, I would have believed you if you told me that he had never done drugs in his life. I think I know who this is. But he was saying to me, he's like, I love buying drugs on the dark web.

They get delivered right to your house. It's so easy. There's a lot of reviews. And you get to watch all of Transparent, too. Yeah. He made it sound like the dark web was like a revolution in customer service technology, specifically for weird drugs. And he was talking about these different drugs.

Many drugs I hadn't heard of. It's not like he's like, oh, I got to go on the dark web to get some Molly. It was like, oh, I'm going on. on the dark web to get some Molly. It was like, oh, I'm going on... Yeah, he's like, chooch. I've been smoking chooch lately. And it is fun. You've got to get this stuff with the five-star

reviews. You cannot get low-quality chooch. New drugs always seem to be acronyms. They always be like, oh, CSP. CSI Miami. The always seem to be acronyms they always be like oh csp csi miami uh the the shakies in that i drive by to go to work uh had a significant redesign recently so it the you know the sadness cloud is less thick and i noticed a sign going up in the window that said uh now serving craft beer which is such a like oh boy i don't know shakies i don't know if you're gonna get

foodies in here please young people please craft beer no we're going to beercaholic in koreatown they're like god damn it we need to get younger people in here what does generation x like yeah right exactly yeah how can we get some 40 year olds and flannel in here yeah it would it seemed like it's just a real a real misstep yeah although i don't know maybe they maybe they have like small batch mojos now if i was like an artisanal mojo maybe a sriracha spiced mojo i could see a sriracha mojo at shaky's i might have that uh i i would say that probably they just have a new type of mojo potato that has those kind of crumbly sausage bits on it. Sure. You know what I'm talking about, that crumbly?

No. Just sausage. It just comes in a huge box that says sausage on it. You guys live in a paradise and you don't even realize. Really? I'm not going not gonna i couldn't because of our sausage boxes yeah there's no way i could find a huge box in the united kingdom that was filled with crumbed sausage and all it would say on the box would be sausage really what is what is an example of a sad eating uh establishment in your home in your home uh kingdom of the united thank you uh gosh

the worst part is i not only know them but i lived in them oh oh okay i feel bad because i do not want to mock something that is already ailing but there is a chain called wimpy uh-huh which in itself is adorable yeah yeah and wimpy is really on the way out but it's clinging on what do you what do you what are you getting at wimpy so it's a burger chain okay but unlike the other burger chains it serves your burger on a plate with a knife and fork right you can bite their face so it's like is this this is just for sort of for the gentry carb conscious gentry it's um like this is something that you would serve if you lived in a manor house i mean you can't or a stately home i wish you could be me right now to see how delightful that is as a juxtaposition because wimpy's so it's like it

wanted to be an american themed diner so it started in like the 50s or 60s in the uk and obviously they were like hearing all this stuff about american diners and they were like we'll do that but british style so what we'll serve is a hot dog frankfurter sliced at one inch intervals bent round in a circle and put in a, and we'll call that a super bender. Super bender? Oh, I love wimpies. Bender in a bun. Still there.

Now, does bender in the UK have the connotation? Okay, that's when you go on some sort of drinking fugue. Oh, no. Bender is like a mean, outdated, homophobic slur. Oh, my. Okay. I hear it means like when you drink for several days. Oh, well, I guess you would say I'm going out on a bender, but it's more, the meanings are more associated with homophobic slurs. Oh, my. Wow. And then they called the sandwich this, you know. Bender in a bun.

Wow. I mean, it's inconceivable, right? But it's because it's from the 50s. There's like little booths you can go in. You can get the bender in a bun. You can get milkshakes. But it's like it refuses to accept that it lost the race. It's like, we're backing this horse. The horse has been shot. It doesn't matter.

You're saying it's a John Kasich situation. Oh, yeah. Kasich endorsed it yeah but like you could tell he didn't want to oh yeah i guess this circular hot dog is pretty good the sadness in his eyes yeah but basically so they they still have a knife and fork for your burger and like there's only about four of them left and they're kind of wonderful and adorable and they're like a little bit like a greasy spoon. Do you know a greasy spoon? Yeah.

So like a greasy spoon is like where you get your fried breakfast. Sure. And it's like an old fashioned caff. So they do coffee, but the coffee is instant coffee swirled into a big mug of milk. Yeah, yeah. And like they do tea and tea is like under a pound, which is the best thing in the world. So it's like a greasy spoon, but trying to be well-to-do. It's like from a past.

It's like just, I don't know. It's like Alan Silito. You've really given us an elegiac description of Wimpy's here in the Superbender. I mean, do you think Wimimpy's if they got a significant redesign maybe started offering some craft beer options some like small batch cocktails but this is like maybe some shareables we have a chain called little chef which is our motorway service station and they sell a thing called the olympic breakfast and it's again really in the 70s, it was like, wow, you can drive on the motorway and stop at a little chef and have American food. And now it's just bleak. And Heston Blumenthal is a celebrity chef that does things like foam on top of a snail. He was like, I'm going to redesign Little Chef. and it did not go well. So are you getting, when you go into a Little Chef now, are you getting, like, you know, a freeze-dried carrot

that's been, you know, dipped in liquid nitrogen on top? So what do you get when you go into a Little Chef now? Well, it's actually kind of sad, and it's a bit like Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares because Heston came in. He redesigned everything. He made all the booths nice. He put music in the toilet. So when you sat on the toilet, it like played a little bit of, oh, I do like to be beside the seaside.

So is it cued to when you sit down? Yeah. Okay. So it was all really, you know, atmospheric, exciting. Sure. It worked really well. You mean the bathroom going? Sure. Specifically? exciting. Sure. It worked really well. You mean the bathroom going? Sure.

Specifically? Yeah. Okay. But the people of Little Chef who run it were really resistant. And they were like, no, we boil the beans in a bag. You can't tell me what to do. And basically they did one of them and they didn't roll it out. And the rest is stagnating.

Yeah. Geez. What could haveating. Yeah. Jeez. What could have been? Yeah. What could have been? That sounds like a true kitchen nightmare. Yes. I mean,

I don't know. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe I need to give craft beer shakies a shot. You know what I mean? I definitely associate it with like unpleasant stomach feelings as a child. But, you know, I could probably go and get a craft beer. Hopefully they still have a cruise in USA.

Play a couple rounds of that. Do you think this is something that we could pitch to our friends at the Doughboys podcast maybe as a special edition? I mean, I can't imagine they're not already on top of that. I mean, I know that right now they're rating burgers from 1 to 10 basketballs. I mean, I know that right now they're rating burgers from one to ten basketballs and trying to decide which you would give to a mogwai to turn it into a gremlin. Sure. Or something. Listen, those guys clearly have their shit handled.

You can tell from that description. Their act is really together. They do not need our help. Their ducks are in a row. But yeah, I don't know. Maybe it's time to revisit Shakey's and kind of like get all those preconceived. It's right there. It's close to work. I could walk over.

All of this talk is really making me want to go there. Yeah. I would absolutely eat my dinner there. Ordinarily, Jordan only eats at Spago. That's just kind of background for this like a little context for you josie because i know you live in the united kingdom they don't have spago there i don't know what spago is spago is like like the fanciest restaurant in 1992 oh nice like american psycho would eat yeah yes exactly yes absolutely that is that is the perfect reference

for who would eat at spago created byed by American celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck. Sure. Oh, I've heard of him. Yeah, no one more American than Wolfgang Puck. Yep. Unless it's Wolfgang Peterson. Sure. Oh, wait, hang on.

The director of popular submarine films. I feel like I'm learning so much today. Yeah, I mean, this is primarily an educational podcast. I went once to a chain barbecue restaurant in New York. The first time I went to New York, it was incredible. It was called, like, Texas Barbecue or Dallas Barbecue or Kansas Barbecue. It was like a steak and a barbecue. Yeah, plus barbecue.

And I had a frozen margarita that was the biggest thing I'd ever had like that. For the folks listening at home, by that I mean everyone who's not me and Jesse. Or Coco. Yeah, Coco can kind of see what she's doing. Yeah, this is a, right, this looks like a, right, you are palming a basketball when you're describing this margarita.

It was the size of a trophy. Yeah. Do you think you could fit your whole head in the glass? Oh, I could, and I did, and I would again. So, giant margarita. Yeah. Homeb bread oh sure yeah shrimps yep i had how these shrimps prepared um they were smoked from a freezer okay to a beige oh a beige via i would guess, some sugar. Delicious Americans, thank you. And then I had like, I think I had like a combination of like ribs and chicken. Sure.

Like a combo? Sure. I feel like it was a combo. What kind of eating have you been doing since you've been here? I guess I don't even know how long you've been in town. I want to know what's your top thing to eat in America. Because you visit America periodically for show business reasons.

Yes. What is your, what are you going head and straight for? It's probably kale smoothies, right? Brunch. Your eggs. All of your egg dishes. All of your, oh my God, like experimenting with like cauliflower rice on the

eggs or whatever. my god you guys it's brilliant it's so there's a smog no it's not smog it's bill callahan there's a bill callahan song and called america and in it he says america you are so grand and golden and that's what i think when i'm eating a big old sandwich and sweet potato fries i I'm like, you are so grand and golden, America, you have no idea. We actually have a very similar American song. It goes, the red, white and blue,

the funny things you do. America, America. Let's eat some eggs. But it'll be breakfast, I think. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I have some British friends on Facebook, not to brag. And they, I think, like us.

I mean, you guys are so like us in a lot of ways. That's really good. That's a really good point, Jordan. But in some ways we're different as well. You know, in several humorous ways. You know, in several humorous ways. But I think like America, the UK is also having a cultural moment where you will post pictures of breakfast or brunch. And I'm so happy about it. Yeah.

I mean, that's, you know, you goof on it, but I, you know. Two thumbs down from me. You don't like to see a food pic? I don't like brunch at all. Okay. Oh, you just don't like brunch in general? Yeah, fuck it. Don't give me lunch.

No, no, I never have brunch. I always just have a late, elaborate breakfast. Okay. They can call it brunch if they want, but I'm having three meals every day. No one is taking that away from me. And even if it's at 11 or 11.30? Oh, heavens yes. Yeah, okay.

What I'll do is I'll scooch it nearer to lunch, or I'll drag lunch back and scooch dinner nearer to lunch. But I will never knowingly miss a meal. I am delighted, delighted to go ahead and skip right ahead to lunch. Give me a steak. I'm at brunch. It's 1030 in the morning, say. I'm eating a steak sandwich. Okay.

Oh, I see. And you're just like, I'm having an egg lunch. You'll order off the lunch menu. Yeah. Fuck your eggs. I have eggs at my house. Sure. You know what I mean? Well, I think eggs, to me, the nice brunch eggs and even the greasy spoon eggs, I think

something about it just feels like, I don't know, it's better than I can do and I don't know how to put my finger on it. Yes. I would eat that at 6 o'clock in the morning. If it's 6 a.m. and I'm headed off to the logging camp, I'm on board to have some toast and eggs from the greasy spoon. That's not something I'm against. I'm talking about 10, 10.30 in the morning. I'm ready to punch somebody if you don't just give me some fucking actual food.

You don't want to scramble. I don't want to fucking scramble. I don't want an omelet. I don't want pancakes. I don't want to scramble. I don't want to fucking scramble. I don't want an omelet. I don't want pancakes. I don't want a pastry. I don't want... You sound like a very grouchy grandpa. I want a cheeseburger.

Okay. Ten, anything after 9.45 a.m., I just want a cheeseburger. Do you know, I think I genuinely am thrilled by the hinterland-ness of brunch. Like, anything they put on this, it's like new and different and a new meal. It's a kind of an anything-goes-liminal space.

Yeah, that's a good point. It's a good use of liminality. Sure. But I have noticed that the British people who I follow on Facebook like to post pictures of this traditional English breakfast with the same tone that you know

we will post and by we I mean Americans talking about a full breakfast yeah full breakfast yeah and it's kind of like you know

hashtag bless Sunday fun day and then putting this English breakfast up and I'm like oh fuck that looks bad oh god that looks terrible I'm totally I'm on board for all that shit except for blood sausages.

I'm not into blood sausages. Oh, Jim, this thing out is delicious. Blood pudding is incredible. In Scotland, this is what you get in your breakfast, right? Yeah. Egg. Number one. Great.

Just one egg in a big plate. Really? You get eggs, bacon, link sausage, which is a normal, no, you wouldn't even have that, like a long, you know, like a long sausage, lawn sausage, which is a flat. We have box sausage only here. We're a nation of box sausage. You get a flat lawn sausage. You get a slice of haggis, a slice of black pudding, a potato scone, a hash brown, sometimes chips as well. Sure.

A lot of starch. Tinned tomatoes, baked beans, and toast. I do like all the stuff. That is something that I really genuinely like about that English breakfast tradition is all the different, it's just a pile of stuff and you can swirl it together. I do like that. I like beans for breakfast. I support that.

Well, yeah, because that's more like a lunch. Yeah. I just don't like how gray everything is. together uh i do like that i like beans for breakfast i support that well yeah because that's more like a lunch yeah i just don't like how gray everything is it's not gray your friend's just a terrible photographer it might be it could be that i'm getting bad lighting on these instagrams although to be fair like most of the time a sausage that we would have in an english breakfast would be awful yeah like mostly rust, gray colors. But it's almost as if it hasn't been, you know,

pumped full of dyes and hormones to make it a color that I want it to be. An American guy. I'll eat almost

any sausage. Put a sausage except for a chicken sausage. That's not even a sausage. It's not a real sausage.

It's just like dressed up as one. Yeah, exactly. It's like, I don't know. It's like, why up as one. Yeah, exactly. It's like a – I don't know. It's like why would you even eat that? We had these chicken sausages in my freezer probably for four years. I finally threw them away. I'm not going to eat these.

I don't care how many sun-dried tomatoes and artichokes you put in there. It's not a sausage. Not enough fat in there. Do you know what was a really big day for me? The first day I had a merguez lamb sausage. Oh, wow. What a thing. I guess I day I had a merguez lamb sausage. Oh, wow. What a thing. I guess I don't, what's this, merguez is a brand?

Am I saying that right? Merguez is like a style of sausage. Oh, okay. It's like Portuguese or something, right? French. French. Although it might be North African and the French stole it. Yeah, cool.

My greasy spoon that I enjoy does have a Portuguese sausage out here and it is real good. Oh, that's so good. Yeah, it's nice. So there are greasy spoons out here? Yeah, you know, the place that I enjoy does have a Portuguese sausage out here, and it is real good. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah, it's nice. So there are greasy spoons out here? Yeah, you know, the place I'm talking about is great. It's called Nick's. It's on Pico. And they have a great menu that is clearly designed by a crazy person because just random words are in quotation marks.

Like, try our... And there's always like a sentence. marks like try our and there's always like a sentence you know it's it's it it looks like looking at this menu it's like looking at the the side of the dr bronner's soap bottle yeah like this is the style of this menu yeah it's like that's so deceptive that bottle you look at anything oh i wonder what's in the soap and then you're like, what are you doing? Zionist rambling. Yeah. So this, right. This menu is so insane. It seems like it was created by someone with some sort of agenda, you know, but it's great. And just so it'll like just say like, try our great pancakes in quotation mark or like comes with four sausage links.

So everything seems sarcastic. Highly recommend. Good Portuguese sausage too there, by the way. I like chilaquiles. Yeah, those are good. What's a chilaquile? It's like a, it's sort of like a breakfast nachos. Yeah.

It sounds like a mythical monster. It is. Yeah. It comes. It's half nacho, half Griffin. It eats poorly behaved Salvadoran children. Yes, look out. The chilaquile will get you.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Josie Long, epithet as yet undecided. Yeah, the tea chugger. How about that?

Sure. She had to take that tea she had in her mouth down the gullet audibly on microphone. We had a little discussion with Josie and we were like, can you just be a cartoon of a British person? Oh, no. Just be slugging tea. I'm sorry. Do some Cockney rhyming slang if you can. It's a jolly holiday with Josie. I'm so jealous that you've met Dick Van Dyke.

I have met Dick Van Dyke, Jordan. That's cool. He's my friend. We're best friends. Congratulations. It's probably a lie. Yeah. But I did meet him. Yeah. That's neat. He's my friend. We're best friends. Congratulations. It's probably a lie. Yeah. But I did meet him.

Yeah. That's neat. He's a nice older man. Cool. I met Mr. Nice. You know Mr. Nice? No. No.

You made that up. Who is Mr. Nice? He's like this guy who used to be a drug dealer. Okay. But he's famous. Just so people know. Is he on like the British Shark Tank? Or Dragon's Den over there, right?

Dragon's Den. Josie did a physical indication of smoking a cigarette while she described that he used to be a drug dealer. Like, you know, the cigarette smoking kind. He was a big weed dealer. I don't know why I thought of Mr. Nice when you thought of Dick Van Dyke either. Explain him. Mr. Nice. Howard Mark of Dick Van Dyke either. Explain him. Mr. Nice. Howard Marx, I want to say.

Okay. We're getting a thumbs up from Brian outside the booth. He was like one of the Marx brothers. After Zeppo. After Zeppo left. Zeppo. Man, imagine being Zeppo Marx. Or that other stooge oh yeah like matt besser's uncle

oh i i don't know uh matt besser's uncle was a 1950s three stooge oh wow okay yeah yeah it's right do you think that's worse than never being a stooge no i think that's i think that's i think that's a great thing to have been yeah 1950s stooge i'd be glad to be that. So wait, so it was like two- Although my real career goal is to be Slim Goodbody. Yeah, ideally. So there were two stooges in the 50s, and then they added a stooge?

Yeah, there've been like six or seven total stooges. Interesting. And how many total stooges have they been? Well, you got Iggy Pop. Sure. And how many total Stooges have they been? Well, he got Iggy Pop, sure. I know there's been quite a number of Stooges,

and Matt Besser's uncle, or possibly granduncle, was one of them in the 50s for a few years on television. Oh, interesting. He was a Telestooge. That is very cool. So I've still not got an explanation as to who Mr. Nice is. He's a famous drug dealer. Why is he famous? I honestly don't know. He wrote a book drug dealer. Why is he famous? I honestly don't know.

He wrote a book about it. Okay. We're getting closer. Like, these are answers, Josie. Like, is this guy like Chopper from the movie Chopper? He's like a gentle Welsh chopper. Okay. Who never cut off his ears.

How did you meet him? How did you meet him? It would be great if he was a gentle Welsh chopper who, like Chopper, cut off his own ears. But, you know, in a very relaxed way. Right. I was doing a short talk at this weird talks symposium thing, which I have still not been paid for. If you're out there, talk symposium runners. Damn straight.

Sure. Put the check in the mail. Oh, they could do an online bank transfer. That's what you get for speaking at TEDxDebtorsAnonymous. Yeah. Okay. So you met him there. This is... You have to give us...

Josie, you have to give us something about Mr. Nice. You've set up the suggestion of this amazing character, a famous British drug dealer who's named Mr. Nice. So far, here's what you've told us. He smokes. He has a real name.

And you met him at a talks thing. I'm sorry. I just assumed you'd know who he was. No. And so to me, it was just like a throwaway reference. Like, by the way, I've met Mr. Nice. Like earlier when I said slim good body? Yeah, I don't know who that is.

That sounds like someone who would approach you. He's a man who wears the inside of his body on the outside of his body. Thank you very much. He's an educational children's character that taught you about digestion. He's very strong, too. Slim Goodbody sounds like a character from that film about the folk singer. Yeah.

Inside Llewyn Davis. Oh, sure. Yeah, that could, right, Slim Goodbody could be a, like, Greenwich Village folky. Interesting.

Jordan. I had a thought about Mr. Nice, but it's gone now. Before we get too far into this, should we talk about the Max Fund Drive? Let's do, yes. Okay, but it's gone now. Before we get too far into this, should we talk about the MacFunDrive? Let's do, yes.

Okay, because this is the time of year when we literally raise every penny that we earn from this program. We don't want to throw it all down the Mr. Nice well, is all I'm saying. Although, maybe we should just talk about how to be a successful drug dealer, but like real laid back. Yeah, I guess if the podcast doesn't go well, we could get into the world of celebrity drug dealing. And not necessarily dealing drugs to celebrities, but being a celebrity drug dealer. That seems like trouble. How so? Maybe we should continue to be-

This is not setting off any bells for me. Maybe we should continue to be marginal podcasters. You know what? You're right. Less overhead. This is- You guys are massive marginal podcasters. You know what? You're right. Less overhead. This is okay. You guys are massive celebrity podcasters to me. Why are you marginal?

Thank you very much, Josie. Who are these, like, jock podcasters that I don't know about? Jock podcasters? No, I mean, we are of the same. I only listen to the Boomer Esiason cast. Yeah. We are of the same build and physique as most podcasters. That is the same, but our numbers are lower.

Yeah. The number of people who listen to our program, Josie, is modest, which is why what is asked of them is so grand. Nice segue. Nice segue. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Worthy of Mr. Nice himself. King of dealing

drugs and segueing into other topics. And his legendary talk symposium. Sure. Let's not forget that thing. Good use of correct plural. Thank you. We have the MaxFunDrive one time a year for two weeks and it is

when we ask you to step up and support all of the shows in MaximumFun.org, not least of which is this very program right here, Jordan Jesse Go. That's the one. Yeah. Everything that we do is supported by you. Now, I realized, you know, just kind of like looking at some of the fallout, the chatter from last week's program, that I have something that people want. Yeah. And I have something that I can deliberately hold hostage until the pledge drive is going the way we want it to.

Oh, really? Here's what I've got. Okay. Josie, for you. Last week on the show, we had a call in from my sister. Can I guess what it is? Yeah. Is it hepatitis C?

Oh, spoiler. My sister called in and talked about how she was able to make my cat wear a tiny Viking hat. Oh, my God. That's adorable. Which I had given to Jordan and his cat as a Christmas gift. That's also adorable. Thank you. It's made out of yarn.

Oh, wow. Just like in Viking times. Oh, fuck that. No. Oh, I thought it was made of yarn. Oh, wow. Just like in Viking times. Oh, fuck that. No. Oh, I thought it was made of plastic. So. Can I say, have you thought about for the pledge drive doing one Sega Genesis and lots of personal panties?

That's why it's not going well. It's about offering a Sega Genesis and many personal pant pizzas That are pretty easy to get relative to the Genesis We're giving away a toaster oven That's really good for personal pan pizzas Okay That's pretty cool Yeah Sorry, I interrupted and I shouldn't have

No, no, that's okay, you're fine Interrupt a lot, you're the guest People have tuned in to hear you, Josie Listen to us run our mouths whenever You are literally the most famous person In the entire United Kingdom, Josie. We're so grateful to have you here. Do you know what's sad? Is that that's so laughable.

Second, well, okay. You're the second, the first most famous person in the entire United Kingdom. Mr. Nice. Yes, of course. Anonymous race car driver from the car show. The second. Oh, the Stig. There you go. The second race car driver from the car show. The second... Oh, the Stig! There you go.

I didn't know the Stig! Second most famous person in the United Kingdom is Josie Long. Third, Mr. Nice. Fourth, what would you say, Tony Blair? Sure, yeah. Oh, our war criminals rank highly. Yeah, yeah. Whoever the panelists from Dragon's Den are, which is the British Shark Tank.

What pisses me off about Dragon's Den is it sounds so plausible, but that was never a phrase. No one's ever like, beware the Dragon's Den. It's nonsense. Someone has said that though, right? Well, now they have. Okay. But no one has said it prior. It's like pizza and pipes.

Have you read The Lord of the Rings? There's that whole part where they're trying to get angel investors. Frodo has an idea for a cooled fanny pack. I am out. It cools itself. That's what they say to the Balrog. And for that reason, I am in. I am out.

Max Fun Drive? Max Fun Drive. You have something they want. So people are desperate to see a picture of the cat wearing the Viking hat. I can understand why. Now that I know my sister's patented technique. Right. I could do this pretty easily. Really? I could take this, I mean, you know, listen.

Would you say all night and all day? Eight days a week. Yes. 24-7. All that. 365. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I just wanted to join in. So I can, you know, the cat wouldn't like it. Mm-hmm. But I could do it. I could devote an afternoon to getting this hat on. Taking some snaps. For the poor cat. That's six hours.

I could get some snaps. Sure. Put them online pretty easily. Yeah. But why am I giving this shit away for free? No, we don't give anything away for free except for our show. Sure. Here's what is required of you, listener.

Okay. If you're one of the dozens of people who sent me messages on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, wanting to see this hat on the cat, I can do that. But you're going to have to give me something in return. What's that? I want to see, before the end of the MaxFunDrive, a hundred tweets with hashtag MaxFunDrive, a link to the donor page.

Maximumfun.org slash donate. And hashtag bug hat. So hashtag, the three things to include in this tweet. Hashtag MaxFunDrive. Yep. A link to the donation page. Yep. Hashtag bug hat.

I mean, obviously, some message to your followers about how you should, you know, people should consider donating. Yep. Don't just put these three things out there that will be nonsense. Right.

If we get 100 of these, taking some cat pics. If not... Are we going to show them off on our live streaming show on Friday night? You know, that seems like a perfect place

to unveil these snaps. Because we're doing a live streaming show on Friday night with Aaron from Throwing Shade and Travis from My Brother, My Brother and Me and tons of other

MaxFun personalities. That sounds like great fun. What time is it? It's going to be at 7 o'clock Pacific time at MaximumFun.org, Josie. Thank you for asking. So, if, yeah. You're not invited.

I'm actually, I actually can't come anyway because I'm on my way to go to New York on Friday night. So I should be quite busy. So I shouldn't be able to come. Have fun with your bialis. Your rainbow bagels. Your $6 toast. So. Yeah. 100 tweets. your rainbow bagels your six dollar toast so yeah

hundred tweets we're here in Los Angeles throwing a five dollar toast yeah our toast costs one less dollar so yeah let's see a hundred

of those tweets yeah I'll take some pics Jordan I have a question for you please why do you think

people out there in our listening audience who get this show every week for free should go to MaximumFun.org slash donate? Well, to see the cat pics. That's one. That's number one. Primary. Right. Two, because they are the reason. And by they, I mean people who donate.

Right. Are the reason we do this show. Right. Without them, we do not do this show. Right. This is not for any kind people who donate. Right. Are the reason we do this show. Right. Without them, we do not do this show. Right. This is not for any kind of personal game. Right. It's not enjoyable to us.

No. We don't like it. This is frankly tortuous. Sure. It's unpleasant to do. I would literally rather be anywhere than in a room with the two of you right now. Sure. Do you mean Jordan and the dog?

And you're leaving me out of it. It's interesting to know about the dog and the carpet. It's very confusing. In a lot of ways, Jordan, have you heard about the escape room phenomenon? I have. This is like an escape room for me where the puzzle is how can I get rid of these assholes? So, two, because you make the show possible when you donate. Right.

Three, get a buttload of cool stuff. Yeah, absolutely. You get tons of cool stuff. Tons of cool stuff. All of it online at MaximumFun.org slash donate. Not least of which is these amazing, it's MaxFun's big adventure this year. So we have amazing Jordan Jesse Go bandanas, custom bandanas. We have a whole kit of adventure supplies.

We have a hot and cold keeping things vacuum thermos. I need to get some merch. My merch is I have a Sound of Young America t-shirt. But that's old. Old news. Josie rolls deep. Old news. Josie rolls deep.

I mean, it's true. Yeah. I don't know what it means. That's why she thinks we're successful. All of it is available at MaximumFun.org slash donate. You also get access to years and years of bonus episodes of all of our shows. I mean, I'm talking about like, I don't even know what it is. It's like 200 hours of stuff now.

Yeah, there's a ton of stuff up there. And if you are a new donor, boy, you are just getting a lot of bonus content that only donors get. Throwing Shade did a talent show. Oh, I was at that talent show. I was at that talent show live. Let me tell you, it was awesome. They videotaped it. Apparently, Brian did a monologue. Yeah.

That's pretty awesome. Yeah, it is really, really great. If you were not able to attend this talent show, you're going to want to see this thing. It is fucking hilarious and weird and great. So, yeah, that is a wonderful incentive. You got our show that we did aboard a boat inside a murder lake. Yeah, we have a – look.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Please could you expound on that? The show that we did in a boat in a murder lake? Okay, yeah. A few questions. Please, could you expound on that? The show that we did in a boat in a murder lake? Okay, yeah. So outside of our office here is MacArthur Park Lake, a legendary murder lake. Why is it a murder lake?

Because bodies are often found there. Yeah, and guns. It's like a dark web, but a body of water. Yeah. It's dark web IRL. Don't worry, I think they shut that down. It's fine. No, it's still there.

You also used to be able to rent paddle boats. Oh. So Jordan and I went on Craigslist, bought a boat. This was thanks to the success of last year's Max Fund Drive. We went on Craigslist, bought a boat for $300. And by we bought a boat, I mean we sent Brian to Orange County to buy a boat with Christian. Brian bought a boat. I mean we sent Brian to Orange County to buy a boat with Christian. Brian bought a boat. I watched We Bought a Zoo. I just stayed at home and went bada, bada, bada, bada, bada, bada, bada, bada, bada.

That's fun. Yeah. And then Jordan and I took it out on the lake and made a show out there on the lake, just right in the middle of the lake. Yeah. Donors only. Yep. So if you would like to donate this year, you can hear that. You can see the fucking talent show.

And just all the podcasts we recorded this year for the MaxFunDrive. So tons of cool stuff. Ultimately, though, there's one real reason above all else, besides all the crap that you get, besides all that baloney. And it's all lovely stuff but outside of all of that the real reason is because you enjoy and care about the show where you wouldn't be listening to it and you can be a part of how it gets made and every time you listen to it

you will think you know what I am one of the people that makes this possible because I want to be absolutely clear it takes a lot of money to keep me in here for 90 minutes every week like otherwise I would just be absolutely clear. It takes a lot of money to keep me in here for 90 minutes every week. Otherwise, I would just be pow, out of here.

I'd be off talking about basketballs with the Doughboys. But it's because of your generosity. And just some friends of ours that have a podcast. It's real funny. It is a funny podcast. That sounds good. Yeah. They rank food based on a system of basketballs and crevelings.

It's the best. So, yeah. Yes. And again, this podcast, we are not doing it for anyone other than you, the fan. The only reason this has gone on so, so long is because people support it like i think you know it's not something we've gotten tv deals off of but uh does that help our careers to do this if anything hinders our careers hinders my careers uh i assume it hinders my dating life every time uh i every time someone leaves i assume it's because they heard the podcast yeah do you bring it up on dates

and then the woman's like oh i, I forgot I have a thing. Yeah, yeah. They hear podcasts. I'm not drinking actually. They just get spontaneous diarrhea and run to their cars. Jordan actually was on like a set-up date, like a blind date a couple of weeks ago. And he actually overheard a girl excused herself to take a phone call, and he overheard herself – he overheard her saying into her phone, he looks a little podcasty. No.

Sure. Yeah. So, yeah, there's a lot of prejudice out there against podcasters. So, yeah, I think the point is that I think a lot of people think that we do podcasts for – to parlay it into a TV show or to tour or something like that. We've never made money touring. No, yes. I think there are stand-up comedians out there who have podcasts who use it to supplement their touring. That is absolutely not this show.

We just do it because there's people who like it. That's the only reason. Yeah, so if you would like this show to continue uh then support it let us know that let us know that you're a fan yeah it's easy go to maximumfund.org slash donate and make those tweets with why you donated maximumfund.org slash donate hashtag max fund drive and of course hashtag bug at what happened after you ever had the girl did she come back and sit down you were like oh this is a false scenario that was an apocryphal tale but i talked about this last week every time like every time i'm in like you know

like a like i thought i had like three good dates i'm like oh those were like three good dates this is and then they you know and then the ghost thing happens my first thought is always ah fuck they listen to the podcast like this is too. I should not let this man touch me. Your show is so dumb. TV people in the United Kingdom, I like meet them, really get on with them. And then I feel like they find out that I like left wing and then they're like, oh, no, I'm all right. I'm sorry. Wait. So, okay.

Maximumfund.org slash donate. Yeah. I want to ask you about that. Yeah, when we come back in just a second. Yes, let's do that. When we come back in just a second. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Lung, full of fun. She is, true. Does what it says on the tin, as they say. Not a lie. Hey, Jordan, can I share with you something that my son said to me the other day? Please. I have a four-year-old son

named Simon and he wants to do projects right now. Mm-hmm. And he also... Like Project Greenlight on HBO? There was...

Yeah. There was quite a... But he's not racist enough. Oh, well. Just get him into a class. The main thing he wanted to do before was use tape, like sticky tape. Sure. He thought that you could do anything with tape.

Like he'd be like, oh, I want to build a this. Can I have some tape? That's so sweet. Yeah. Like I want to build a detached garage. Yeah. Can I have some tape? Yeah. Can I have some tape? Yeah.

Now, I think he's moved on to tools because of what he said to me, which was, I wrote it down on my phone trying to act like I was listening to what he was saying because it was so clearly amazing half a sentence in. He said, can you help me, Dad? Because this job needs your tools. Now, that's when I knew I better reach in my pocket and grab my phone because I should note what he's saying. He said, I need your help. So he had a pair of loafers in his hand.

He said, I need your help to make these shoes into rocket boots so that the bottom of the shoes light on fire. That way, I can shoot into the sky to find a bird and I'll eat it and catch it with a net. Man, he has thought this out.

And then I explained to him, I told him that it would be dangerous, and it was a fantastical idea. It was like a fantasy. It was something that we could imagine, but not something that we could actually do. And his reply was, I guess I'll have to find another way to catch birds to eat. I mean, there are other ways. Yeah, that's true. Also, that's amazing that he's looking at little birds thinking like, one day I'm going to catch it and eat it. Once I get these rocket boots built. I bet if you're a child and you have like a vague idea

that like a chicken nugget comes from a bird, Yeah. You just see, you know, pigeons and other common birds. You're like, oh, I bet I could nugget that. Like you look at a fully dressed turkey dinner with the little white things on the legs. Right. Little white paper things on the legs. And you're drooling, but in your imagination, you're just imagining a pile of nuggets. Yes, exactly. It's like some next level. I got to get some nuggets. Anything you're drooling, but in your imagination, you're just imagining a pile of nuggets. Yes, exactly. It's like some next level.

I got to get some nuggets. Anything you're- Yank a nugget off that. You look at, if you're hungry enough, first turns into one of those turkeys, like in a cartoon, but then it turns into a pile of nuggets. I like that. Yeah. I really like, I've got to nugget that. Yeah.

I got to nugget that. Like if you're a celebrity chef. Yeah. That would be a brilliant, like, I got to nugget that yeah it's a phrase that like if you're a celebrity chef yeah that would be a brilliant like i gotta nugget that i mean it seems like a good catchphrase should i become a celebrity chef yes 100 you gotta nugget that nugget yeah that'll be my bam can you just guy fieri have a catchphrase nugget nuggetget. That's like a man versus food where they all trump man versus food. Oh, yeah, sure. And you'd be there in the kitchen and there'd be loads of people chatting and you'd have like a steak. And they'd be like, nugget it, nugget it.

And you'd be like, bash it with a hammer and cut it with scissors. So my shtick will be, you know, taking any kind of food, not just chicken, but also like other meats, other proteins, tofu. Not just protein. You have to think outside the box. Sure, vegetables, fruits. Cereal. And nuggeting them. Okay.

I have a friend named Paul Lucas who runs a sports uniform blog called UniWatch. It's a very popular blog blog you'll be surprised to learn yeah baseball fans are interested in the minutiae of something i know sure and uh it has a sub blog like a spin-off blog blown away by all this which is the spinoff blog is called Gromit. Mm-hmm. I think G-R-O-M-I-T. Mm-hmm. I like Wallace and Gromit. Mm,

with a hyphen in between. Okay. Uh, where he takes food and puts grommets in it. What is a grommet? Uh, grommet is like, uh,

the little thing that makes a hole, like the little metal thing that makes a hole. Okay. Like on a shoelace hole. So he'll put it on a, on a sandwich or? Hang on, what? Yeah, so he'll take like a hole, like the little metal thing that makes a hole. Okay. Like on a shoelace hole. So he'll put it on a sandwich or... Hang on, what?

Yeah, so he'll take like a steak, like a beef steak, and he'll put some big industrial grommets in it. Okay, for what purpose? It's a pretty cool idea. I don't know. Okay. It's fun. Soothing to some mental demon?

Yeah, exactly. It's like, I cannot rest until I put metal holes in this meat. Yeah, it's like grommet. It's like hole-based ASMR. Okay. And can people write in and say, please will you grommet? A potato, sure. Yes.

Melons. Yukon gold. Melons of, yeah. I don't want him to grommet anything round it would need to be things that were flat what about a pancake yes absolutely perfect that's both round and flat oh okay no i'd like to read your burnt i'd like to rephrase hashtag i mean it's fair oh i guess your your rigorous educational system didn't prepare you. Do you know, it's really bleak because the government in my country just announced plans

to turn every single one of our schools into a privatized academy, like a charter school. Thank God. It's weird. Screwed. I say we should sell children. Yeah, sure. It's weird they don't make a profit. They should be making profit the whole time, right?

And they are more clean burning than coal. Yeah, sure. It's weird they don't make a profit. They should be making profit the whole time, right? They are. And they are more clean burning than coal. That's really true. Yeah. I mean, I also heard on the news today that England has poisonous air now. They're actually. Oh, they've kept that from us? They're taking music programs out of a lot of schools.

I don't think it's a problem. I say just, you know, there's a musical fruit. Sure, yeah. Comes with breakfast over there. I feel like I don't mean to goof off. I feel like I'm dicking on England. I like it. I think England's great.

Yeah, England's really cool. It's terrific. Well, it's like anywhere. It's big and complicated and there's loads going on and there's loads of wonderful things and loads of difficult things and the weather is not good enough. But there's a lot of problems for socialist comedians. Is that what you're telling us?

Well, it's just – well, not so much, but it is a funny one. Like I definitely have found sort of – it's very weird to sort of be out as caring about politics and to be out as political. It's been quite difficult because I suppose it's very weird to sort of be out as caring about politics and to be out as political has been quite difficult because I suppose it's sort of not really in line with like – I'm a journalist, so I don't have any political opinions. Sure. Did you have it? True story.

It's interesting. you say that you feel like you feel you know you feel worried about bringing up you know lefty political things yeah in showbiz meetings because i mean i guess i only know showbiz out here to be just i mean so you know almost completely lefty that it seems like you i would i mean i guess i would be afraid to say that you know i don't like marco rubio or something you had that meeting the other day with zach sny about his Fountainhead remake. That is true. Yeah, I'm going to do some punch-up on that. Yeah?

The jokes were really not there in Ayn Rand's original script. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I'm just going to add some jokes about Tinder and stuff. Oh, I'd love it. I've just done a day punching up Ayn Rand's script. There's something there. There's something there. There's something there. Yeah, I mean, it's a good,

it has a good, it has a really nice log line. But, you know, I think it could use a few solid set pieces. I got one where a guy gets his dick stuck in a kitchen tool.

You're not going to believe. Third act problems. Third act problems. Anyway, he realizes it's poor people's fault. Because they're lazy. Putting their head into it uh so you but you feel like you can't be as as politically honest as you want to when you're doing stuff like that do you know i'm not sure i just oh god i don't even know what I'm trying to say about it. I just think there's something going on whereby if you are a bit like, yes, I do have political views and yes, I, you know, and it's weird because all I want to do is like confiscate all their property, imprison them in a gulag and have them executed. Like it's not like extreme.

It's not that big of a deal. It's moderate. Yeah. It's like basic Stalinalin stuff pretty reasonable mate no but it's it's it's a funny time i think at the moment in the uk yeah guys i'm gonna have to call a time out because my dog is presenting her belly for rubs oh and also because like i i guess i don't fully know what i'm saying about it but i think it's a it yeah it feels like something that i've vaguely noticed a little bit people get freaked out because they're worried you're going to alienate someone yeah and i think also they're worried because the climate especially like on our bbc

is so kind of controlled by the government and they're frightened of the government and there's loads of stuff going on that it does feel a little bit i don't know it's fucked fucking it them. It's sort of like there's some things that turn on show business people. Some things that turn off show business people. Like activism is something that they're like, get it away from me. Public radio, in my experience, is the kind of thing they're saying, can you bring me every public radio person you can find, every podcaster you can find. Let's get some meetings and let's green light some pitches. You got it.

That's been my experience. So I can't relate to your problem of alienating people just because my show business career has been so successful because of my public radio hosting and my podcasting. This is a lot of fun. I mean, it's basically a door opening machine. Yeah. It's a machine that opens every door. Yeah, that's a really opening machine. Yeah. It's a machine that opens every door. Yeah. That's a really good point.

Just the other day I was talking to Steve Spielberg. Mm-hmm. And he said to me, I would like to make a Jurassic Park, a sequel to Jurassic World, which of course was one of the most successful films ever. Mm-hmm. films ever and it's about two uh bookish podcasters one of whom has a public radio show uh one of whom loves video games um and basically the whole thing is just capturing the zeitgeist of generation next sure oh nice because pepsi's on, right? Oh, Pepsi is a major sponsor. Is Pepsi still going?

By the way, I think you can still buy a Pepsi. I just don't think they say Generation Next. Pepsi's a silent sponsor of Jordan, Jesse, Go, by the way. Sure. They ask us not to talk about them, but they pay for our show. During the pledge drive, we can talk about Pepsi. Yeah, exactly. Talk about all the great stuff they've done for us. Nobody's like Team Pepsi, Pepsi really in real life.

I think that there are like diet soda people or there are like diet Pepsi people. Oh, like Pepsi Max. Sure. Oh, yeah. I guess Pepsi does have more diet options than Coke does, I think. Anyway. I'm an RC guy. RC, Carla, or nothing.

Speaking of the project of Steven Spielbergielberg yeah i had a funny funny moment on at midnight today so we were doing a goof on the new indiana jones movie that they have announced yeah with his starring uh the elderly and confused harrison ford right starring the the yeah the doddering cranky harrison ford. Although he was in such a good mood for the Star Wars press tour. Yeah. I think it's because he knew he was, ugh, spoiler alert, dying. Yeah. So he seemed to be having, like, lots.

Oh, I thought you were just going to say, ugh, spoiler alert, making $60 million or whatever it was. Hang on, you mean in the film, right? Mm-hmm. Oh, good. I haven't seen the film, and it did spoil it for me. No, I'm sorry. Well, you should have seen that fucking movie that's been out for, like, geez. Hang on, you mean in the film, right? Oh, good. I haven't seen the film, and it did spoil it for me. No, I'm sorry. Well, you should have seen that fucking movie that's been out for like a year. He's glad to be dying.

Yeah, yeah. He has hepatitis C. Yeah, right. That's how he dies in the movie. Hepatitis C. It's mostly a hospital drama. In England, it's only been out about two months. Oh, okay.

All right, but you know what? My bad. It's only been out about two months. Oh, okay. All right. But you know what? My bad. But also, I kind of am deliberately not seeing it in this stupid, perverse, contrary way where I'm like, oh, everyone's losing their mind about that.

Well, I'm busy doing a jigsaw. Yeah. Well, you'll be delighted to hear. I'm living life watching Netflix documentaries. I really am. Sure, sure. You'll be delighted to hear. It is a solid B. Wow. You think it... Watch it sure. You'll be delighted to hear it. It is a solid B.

Wow, you think it... Watch it, and you'll enjoy it somewhat. Okay. What have you seen that's been... What do you want to complain about? Go ahead. No, I don't want to complain about... Go ahead, soapbox to complain about that thing people like.

I enjoyed it. It's fine. Okay. I don't think people like... I don't think most people that I've heard that liked it weren't like... They liked that it didn't suck they they liked that it didn't suck sure it totally didn't suck it's a fun movie yeah i don't think anyone said it was like a great movie yeah i mean i think the star warsiest of star wars men did but the but the normal people

are like yeah that was fun sure that's the best quality of it right you said it in that i have a secret complaint oh no i have no complaints about it. I enjoyed it. It was fun. See, when I was growing up, I was at quite an intense school, and a B was unacceptable. Oh, wow. So you'd have had to have said a solid A- for me to feel the same feeling as you. I just want to lower the stakes for Josie.

I don't want Josie to feel like she either has to fight against people thinking it's so amazing or go and it turns out to be awful. It's neither awful nor amazing. It's an enjoyable time at the movies. Sounds good. We were doing a goof on the Indiana Jones movie.

I had a piece of copy that said there's a new Indiana Jones movie coming out and this time Indy will be played by a woman. Just kidding. I just wanted to hear the sound of a thousand guys in fedoras rage-shitting their cargo shorts. It was the lie, right? And we had to redo it and take that out because when Hardwick said Indiana Jones will be played by a woman, the thunderous applause that rocked the theater was so intense that when he said, just kidding, everyone seemed so bummed.

That's so nice. Yeah. It seems like, make that girl Indiana Jones movie, huh? Oh, do you know, I'm so thrilled that that's how that went. I thought you were going to say that when he said he was going to be played by a woman, the show was like, yeah. Yeah, I know, right? Oh my God god the present

is nice yeah i know it's yeah i think you forget i think you can you can hang around on the internet so long and like you know the gunk from the internet can seep in you know my boss joe randazzo said this the other day about the internet when we were all feeling shitty about it like fuck this place you know fuck all this yeah he's all this. He's like, this is not the real world. This is not the world. Like, it's just this weird little pocket and shitheads are loud, but, you know,

it's not an indicator of how things are. It's an unusual prism that no one fully appreciates or understands yet. Yeah, yeah. I, however, had an experience. I was coming up from Kentent which is where i'm from in england and it's quite uh it's got a lot of problems with the far right not that sounds like that's all there is it's a very diverse place there's loads going on it sounds like a solid b

yeah in my terms yeah and um i was i got off the train back up in london i was like oh thank god And I got off the train back up in London. I was like, oh, thank God. I got off the train in London. Finally, I'm out of train over country. I had to pay an additional fare because I got the high-speed train instead of the normal speed train. Oh, well. But it's relevant to the anecdote.

Excuse me. So I was queuing up and this guy pushed in front of me. And he was possibly 40, 45, really smartly dressed. And he started pushing in front of me and I said, oh, sorry, I'm just playing. And he was like, all right, okay. Well, it's just that guy over there, that train guard over there had a big guy. The liberal elite. And he literally started raging against the liberal elite which was the train the train guy i was like he's not drawing cartoons for the new yorker the liberal elite like and i and then he

started to be uh homophobic and what i did was i sort of how did he slip that in there well he he just maybe he was just ordering one of those hot dog sandwiches. Trains are pretty gay. Yeah, that's true. But then he started to be anti-Semitic. And it was such a bizarre thing because – Wait, and then he slipped in anti-Semitism? Yes. Wow. Like it was so odd.

It was like the internet come to life. Yeah. And I was so shocked by it. It just seemed so of the internet and not of real life. Right, right. seems so of the internet and not of real life right although to be fair i a lot of times find that train conductors are ruining my childhood it's true by recasting my most beloved intellectual property oh yeah with all these female trains have you heard about the thomas the tank engine reboot yeah spoiler alert he's trans idris elba i would watch idris elba in anything i think he's wonderful even as a talking train yeah i would love that the weird there is a weird thomas the tank engine

nostalgia going on now that i don't understand did you watch that as american kids i did not know i think we had it but yeah i had a call friend. I had a – my childhood best friend had a British parent. So he watched a lot of Danger Mouse and Thomas the Tank Engine. But by the time my middle brother, who's like seven years younger than me, was a three or four or five-year-old. Thomas the Tank Engine was a full-blown American phenomenon. So I think if you are a younger millennial, it is as natural as vaping some grape. Grape vape. Vape. Yeah.

But yeah, it seems like a weird thing that is going on that is putting Tupac's face on Thomas the tank engine for some reason that sounds fun it is pretty fun it's baffling i like but i think that's what it's meant to be uh i'll say this about thomas the tank engine it is awful it's so bad we especially there's these new thomas the tank engines with uh computer animations oh no so it's like does not even have the charm. And the computer animation is terrible. Like,

the kind of computer animation that was in computer animated kids shows five, ten years ago, fifteen years ago, that was like really bad is mostly gone. Like most animated kids shows,

the animation's perfectly fine these days. But Thomas the Tank Engine literally looks like it was made on a computer with a hundred dollar budget in 2001. And it is, God, is it stupid.

It is so stupid. But then that's funny you as a man in his mid-30s being like, this program for toddlers is too basic. But I mean, there are good, I'll tell you what, Aquanauts is a lot better. Hang on, is Aquanauts the same as Octonauts? Octonauts, sorry. I thought you had a different title. On the scale of children's programming, it is bad.

Ringo Starr, though. Come on. Yeah, isn't that the deal? Isn't it like Doctor Who's, there's a new conductor every season or something? Wasn't Alec Baldwin the conductor for a while? I don't think there's any Ringo, Alec Baldwin, George Carlin figure anymore. Did you guys have George Carlin?

What? On Thomas the Tank Engine? Didn't George Carlin host Thomas the Tank Engine for a while? Yeah, Brian's nodding enthusiastically. Oh my god, we never had George Carlin. We just had Ringo Starr. You had Chopper from the movie Chopper. Alright, can't. We had Danger Mouse for a while.

That was a beloved program for you growing up? Yeah. It was on Nickelodeon. Did you ever have Banana Man? We had Banana Man. It was great. Excuse me. Banana Man.

Thank you. Did you have Bananas in Pajamas? Yeah, we had Bananas in Pajamas. That was very popular in my brothers. Bananas in Pajamas. There you go. Oh, now I understand what you're saying. Now you're speaking my language.

I rang a Delta thing to try and organize a flight, and it didn't understand my accent, and I had to try and do it in American accent, but I was so embarrassed. Operator. Los Angeles. Operator. Confirmation number. I don't have it. I have the same problem whenever I'm trying to get someone over to my house to sweep out my chimney.

Yeah, when you call the customer service line. Hello? Yeah. What do you say? What's all this then? What's all this then? Do you guys not say that? Oh, yeah, I say it every time I think there's shenanigans afoot.

Sure. Yeah, like when I'm in the shakiest parking lot. Just yell, what's all this then? What's all this afoot. Sure. Yeah. Like when I'm in the Shakey's parking lot. Just yell, what's all this then? What's all this about? Good call. Yeah. Guys, I have some rocket shoes to build. So can we wrap up this segment?

We can. Yeah. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Josie Long, yesterday I learned that skunk weed is what skunks smell like.

This is dropping some knowledge bombs on us here. Yeah, totally. Should we talk about what you get if you support the Max Fund Drive? Let's hear it. Like specifically? Mm-hmm. Like not just this kind of vague talk-around type bullshit that we were delivering in the last pledge. Hard facts.

Okay. Are you ready for hard facts? Yes. Can you handle hard facts? I can handle hard facts. I can handle the truth. I'm ready for this jelly. I'm about to Jorge Ramos this shit.

Your feet are going to get held to the fire. Do it. Okay. Your feet are going to get held to the fire. Do it. Okay. $5 a month, you get access to all of the amazing bonus content that all of the shows here at MaximumFun.org have generated. Lots of stuff.

Tons of stuff. We've alluded to the volume of stuff that you get. Didn't we make like three bonus episodes just last year? There's a ton. So, yeah, if you feel like you wish there was more than one podcast a week, do it. There's a huge bank. We've been doing it every year. So get in there. There are some amazing Max Fund bandanas at the $10 a month level.

These are like classic bandana designs, but each one is tweaked with secret insider references to all of our 22 programs. That is so nice. Yeah. Megan Lynn Cott designed all these, and they are gorge. That's an abbreviation of gorgeous. Yeah. You can pick your favorite show.

We suggest Jordan, Jesse, go. That's my suggestion. But if another show is your favorite show, I'm not going to be a dick about it. Can I pet your dog? Sure. That's one. One bad mother. There's others. My brother, my brother, and me.

You can pick. And listen, I would suggest picking ours. Stop podcasting yourself. I'm not going to be a dick about it. I'm going to be a dick about it. You know what? Be a dick about it. Don't do it, you big, dumb, stupid jerks.

Oh, come on. Cool. All right. Cool it, dude. You've got a stupid face and everyone talks about your butt. Cool it. What if your favorite podcast is the Adam Carolla podcast? No bandana for on. Cool. All right. Cool it, dude. You've got a stupid face and everyone talks about your butt. Cool it. What if your favorite podcast is the Adam Carolla podcast? No bandana for that.

Yeah. Not part of the network. Suck it. They're out of the network. You can't get a bandana for that. Okay. $20 a month. That level is called the Max Fun Adventure Necessity Collection.

Jordan, you love to go on adventures. Do I? God knows Josie Long loves adventures. Thank you. I really do. Here's what you get. You get special packable toilet tissue, so you're never without toilet tissue. Nice.

That's number one. Number two, you get MaxFun branded hot cocoa. Oh, that's adorable. I know. You get MaxFun multi-tool Oh, that's adorable. I know. You get MaxFun multi-tool, a.k.a. Swiss Army Knife, with a cool rocket ship logo on it. That's brilliant. It's got a toothpick. What are you going to do if you're out in the field and you've got something stuck in your teeth and you've got an important meeting coming up?

You could die of that. You could absolutely die of that. You could die of not getting the big promotion. Exactly. Because, you know, this guy's great, he's qualified, but he's got all that shit in his teeth. Exactly. And then, two days later, they find you dead in the tub.

Let's say your nails aren't filed. Sure. Let's say you've got jagged nails and you're about to go into a big meeting out in the field, like in Glacier National Park, for example. What are you going to do? Well, if you've got a multi-tool, you just file them down. I'm looking at a nail file right here.

Do it. If you don't have a multi-tool, oh, you are out of luck, my friend. Let's say you've got a hang tag on your shirt. Okay. Got to get that off. You're about to have a private meeting with the President of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama. I was worried that you were going to say whoever the next one's going to be, and I was like, not as interested. Where you have a meeting with President Nice himself.

Barack Hussein Obama says to you, oh, that's weird. You got a hang tag on your clothes. Don't you have a little scissor to clip that off? Never live it down. Yeah. How embarrassing. If you don't have the multi-tool, you are fucked. Yeah.

You know what he will do? He has the power to do this. Have you killed. He'll have you shot right there. Sure. And no one will ever find out. He has gunmen all around who can just be like, kapow, kapow. Sure.

You dead. Covered up. Yeah. Got ghosted. Mm-hmm. Okay. You dead. Covered up. Yeah. Got ghosted. Mm-hmm. Okay. You also get- What's ghosted?

Disappeared. Well, in Jordan's, Jordan and I, Jordan's using a contemporary definition, which involves disappearing from a relationship. Ah, the silent treatment. Exactly. The cold shoulder. Yeah.

You also get a paracord bracelet, which you can use for anything Except strangling So it is a long, super strong Cord that you wear as a handsome bracelet And it really is nice On the little toggle is printed the MaxFun rocket ship But you wear this cool bracelet

It's in the MaxFun color of blue And when shit goes down You just go clip, clip, clip With your multi-tool. You take that cord all the way out. You use it to keep your food away from bears. Or you use it to repel up and down the side of a mountain. Basically, I mean, limitless possibilities.

This is literally paracord. Limitless possibilities. So if you have little army men and you're up on a roof and you need something to attach them to their parachute, so you can toss the little army men off the roof. You got this paracord with you. That's at the $20 a month level. If you kick it up to $35 a month, you get all that stuff plus a gorgeous vacuum thermos. And it really is a gorgeous vacuum thermos. It also comes with a travel tumbler, Jordan. Oh my gosh. I'm talking about hot drinks. Yeah. Cold drinks?

Absolutely. Yeah. What about soups and stews? I hope so. Yeah. It's real, Jordan. I mean, when I'm on the road, I like a nice stew. Yeah. Exactly. Nice chunky stew.

To sip while you're driving. Yeah. Huh? Get that dumpling. Just kind of filter it through your teeth. Sure. Yeah. Jordan, let's talk about a few types of soup I might put in here.

And you can tell me. Just give me a yes or no. I mean, it's basically yes across the board, but go ahead. I'll listen. You start listing soups and I'll tell you if one is inappropriate. Hot and sour soup. French onion soup. Bouillabaisse.

Bouillabaisse. It's all the soups I know. Yeah, I mean, those three. I think that pretty much covers the world of soups. If another soup gets invented, I guess you could put it in there. I'm Jesse Thorne, author of the book, World of Soups. Author of the book. There cans. Author of the book. There can't be any other soups.

The Three Soups. You can also support us at the $100 or $200 a month level. There are some pretty amazing thank you gifts associated with those. If you want to look at the bandanas, it's MaximumFun.org slash bandanas. You will not be able to resist supporting this program and all the shows at MaximumFun.org. If you go to MaximumFun.org slash bandanas, you'll just be like, holy shit, I got to get in on this. Get them, get them, get them. Sure.

Specifically. I want to speak very briefly to why Jordan Jesse Goh is supported by donations. Sure. Because there's a lot of podcasts out there. You've heard them. They got these long advertisements. Sure. Because there's a lot of podcasts out there. You've heard them. Mm-hmm. They got these long advertisements. Yep.

These big, huge advertisements, a whole pile of them. Four ads, five ads, six ads per show. Guys, I'm not into that, and I can't countenance it, but what's the alternative? Glad you asked. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks, Bernie Sanders. Oh, my God. If only. Thank you. Ooh Thanks. Thanks. Thanks, Bernie Sanders. Oh, my God.

If only. Thank you. Ooh, swoon. I used to... I'll tell you later. We occasionally have ads on Jordan, Jesse, Go! But pretty infrequently. Think back to a listening to Jordan, Jesse, Go!

When was the last time you heard an ad? Yeah. Not very frequently. No, it's because it's not a popular show. Yeah. But also, you know, we don't want to, you know, crush the listening experience under, you know, tons of ads that you've heard endorsing products that we don't really love and so on and so forth. Other shows say yes, outside of Maximum Fun, we have the power to say no. And the reason that we have the power to say no is because ultimately the customer for our

podcast is you. We are making a product for you, not a product for advertisers, not a product for people who are trying to trick you into buying something. We're trying to entertain you. That sort of thing makes me so angry that all that cheers me up is a beautiful, refreshing Diet Pepsi.

Oh, well, wait. Let's just say... I was so pleased with myself for thinking that. I was like, oh my God. Josie, it sounds like you're going to need something to keep that Diet Pepsi cold. Can I offer you a vacuum thermos mug? Sure, but how do I get one?

Well, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. No, but seriously, all of Maximum Fun is run by your donations. Each of these shows, everybody gets paid because you support it. There's no magic fountain of money. your donations. Each of these shows, everybody gets paid because you support it. It's not, there's no magic, there's no magic fountain of money. We've been doing this a long time and we're very proud of the show and we're very proud of all of the amazing listeners who care about the work that we do. You know, as Jordan said, that's why we do it. And the thing that is, that makes us able to do it, the thing that makes us able to have an office and a studio and equipment and a producer and bring

in guests is that you go to MaximumFun.org and support us and support what we do. Yeah, definitely. And the reason we get our butts into this studio every week no matter how shitty or long or crazy our

week has been is because of you guys. And we don't want to let you down by not doing shows because we know you love it and you pay for it. So you are our bosses, and we want to make a good show for you. So yeah, thank you for making it possible. And it's awesome that you guys donate. And yeah, I cannot say this enough that it is the reason that we do it. One of my favorite things about the MaxFunDrive is that And, yeah, I mean, I cannot say this enough weird, dumb show has touched my life in this way.

And that's why I actually care about it so much that I'm willing to pay to support it. And that really means a lot to me. Like, it really means a lot to make something where the goal is that it matters enough to someone that they choose to support it. that it matters enough to someone that they choose to support it. That's very touching to me, and I'm very proud to do business in that way. That's so nice, like genuinely. That's why you should make stuff in, I think. Anyway, go see Deadpool.

Oh, God. He's the Merce with a mouth. Merc? I don't know with a mouth. Merc? I don't know. What's a Merc? Short for mercenary, is it? I think so, yeah. Ah, cool, cool, cool.

Yeah. Cool. I mean, I should hope they all have mouths. Yeah. Otherwise, where are they getting their food? Are they carrying around an IV bag? I don't know. That's going to get in the way if you have to storm through a skylight. That's a really good point.

Josie Long, military analyst. I don't know. That's going to get in the way if you have to storm through a skylight. That's a really good point. Sure. Josie Long, military analyst. Jesse Thorne and Jordan Morris asking you to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm JC Long.

I'm 5'5". Are you really? Yeah. That's a nice height. Thank you. I wish I was 5'7". I would have guessed you were 5'7". Shut up.

You really have a lot of presence, Josie. Thank you so much. You know what? Honestly, if I close my eyes right now and I think, how tall is Josie Long? The first number that comes into my head is six foot six. Oh, yes. Which is huge. I mean, I'm imagining like a grotesquely huge.

This has turned a corner. Not like an athletic six foot six or like a leggy six foot six like a giant ass very awkward yeah like bent almost bent over to get down to six foot six i think i think of you as a cloud oh nice oh is this gonna go sinister too no not at all a nice cloud a cloud yeah okay like a mist. I think of you as a silver lining. I never think of either of you. You know, totally fair.

Totally fair. Okay, look. If you want to join us in Los Angeles for MaxFun meetups, or if you are anywhere in the world, basically, we're having meetups Tuesday night. This show comes out on Monday, Tuesday night at seven. Go to MaximumFund.org slash meetups to find out where you can go to meet up with fellow Max Fundsters. There are now something like 40 or 50 meetups around the country

and around the world. Oh, that's amazing. I know. I know. It's great. You just need a tiny nudge and this could be a paramilitary organization. You know that. Maybe we need some rigorous training first. A regiment of sit-ups. But maybe. Best case scenario, it's an anonymous style, you know, activist hacking organization.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah, probably not a lot of like brute force. Sure. But yeah, maybe some smarts that could take down a government or shame some politicians. We have that Viking in Copenhagen. That's true. And you've got a knitted Viking hat that you could put on a cat. That's true.

Yeah, maybe the cat would become more fearsome if she was just wearing the hat more. Hang on. I'm so sorry. I just sort of let the Viking in Copenhagen thing go. Yeah. We have a listener who's a Viking in Copenhagen. That is brilliant. Comes from Viking stock.

I don't think he does. No, I don't think he has a Viking sword and he does Viking stuff. He still vikes. But he has like a day job. Yeah. Okay. And he does like competitive Viking. It's not like he travels from town to town raping and pillaging.

Sure. I'm talking about he does like Viking fights. Sure. Those are things. Sport Viking fighting. That's real? Yeah. It's real.

Look, I saw this man. I believe anything Viking related he tells me. I met him. It's a real Viking. Josie, don't give me that fucking look. I thought we were friends. Did you buy him a broadsword? No, he had his own sword.

A broadsword. He showed me a picture of his sword. He showed me a picture of him doing Viking karate. Okay. All right. I don't know if it's actually called Viking karate. That's what I called it in my head. That's right.

I mean, it's evocative. I know what you're talking about. Anyway, maxmumfun.org slash meetups. And don't miss our live stream on Friday night, 7 p.m. Pacific, 10 p.m. Eastern, with all of your favorite MaxFun friends hosted by me and Jordan. It's going to be a blast. Look, if you're not watching live, you don't know what you might miss.

Sure. Some people were upset because they weren't watching live last year and they missed seeing Jordan's ball. I pulled out a ball. Jordan pulled out a ball last year. Maybe I'll do it again this year. I don't know. Who knows what's going to happen?

Why did you pull out one of your balls? Because we needed something to get us over a hump. Yeah. A donation hump. We needed to get over a hump. So I just reached into my bag of resources and I rooted around in there and I'm like, what do I have that the people want? He thought, what can I bring to bear upon this situation?

But you didn't need to bring up both balls. Just the one. And one was enough to get you guys there. Have you seen Jordan's balls? Yeah. No, because I didn't watch live. Exactly. There you go.

I don't know. I'm not saying that it will happen again this year, but only one way to find out. Maximumfun.org on Friday night. And look, if you're out there and you love Jordan Jesse Go, there's one way to show it. Go to maximumfun.org slash donate. You can make the room in your family's budget for $5 a month. Yeah. $5 a month, that's what?

That's coffee money. One refrigerator. It's less than Netflix. How much does a refrigerator cost? I guess I don't know how much a refrigerator costs. Several thousand. Several thousand lira. Which is about $5.

Right, yeah. $5 American. Sell your refrigerator and buy Jordan Jesse Go. Several thousand lira, which is about five bucks. Right, yeah. Okay. Five bucks American. Sell your refrigerator and buy Jordan Jesse Go. That's my investment advice to you. Sell, sell, refrigerator. Yeah. Our producer is Brian Fernandez.

He gets paid by you. All the people who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, Courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records. They don't get paid at all except in our approbation. It's wonderful. It's from an album called The Best of The Free Design. It's wonderful, lovely music. That's it.

Boom. Done. Thank you, everybody. Yeah. MaximumFun.org slash donate. Just pull out your phone right now. Pull out your computer internet. Swoosh over there. Type it in. Thank you, everybody. Yeah. Maximumfund.org slash donate. Just pull out your phone right now. Pull out your computer internet. Swoosh over there.

Type it in. Swoosh over. Not if you're driving. Do it later. Get out your graphing calculator right now. You can reach it on a TI-83. Put it on your calendar if you're on your way to the office. Call your assistant.

Have her do it. Sure. Take a letter, Maria. Address it to my wife. Or Milton. Assistants can be men. Not in that one song that goes, take a letter, Maria. Address it to my wife. Or Milton. Assistance can be men. Not in that one song that goes take a letter, Maria.

What song is that? I think that song is sexist. That song sounds like a Pina Colada song. Oh, yeah. If you like Pina Coladas and walks in the rain, go to MaximumPump.org slash donate. We'll be back in just a second.

Nope, we'll be back next week. There you go. We'll be back Friday night. And maybe if you've banked these and are rolling in the next one, we'll be back in a second. Yeah. But you should listen the day they come out. Don't bank these. Yeah.

Unless you're spank banking them. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, how could you not? That's so sensual. If anyone's doing that, I would like to say, please do not include me in that. Yeah. If anyone's doing that, I would like to say, please do not include me in that. Just turn down Josie's audio channel. Go into GarageBand or whatever. Remove Josie and then just masturbate to the other person.

I think there's a button for that on Overcast. I'm comfortable with it. A few of the apps have a button. It's called Smart Sound. It tunes out Josie if you're trying to spank it. And that's available, you know, across the board. MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time to spank it. And that's available, you know, across the board. Maximumfund.org. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica.