Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 421: Live at MaxFunHQ for MaxFunDrive 2016

Episode Date: March 28, 2016

Highlights from the live JJGo streamed online from MaxFunHQ to cap off the 2016 MaxFunDrive!  Guests include MaxFun hosts Jonathan Van Ness, Carrie Poppy, Travis McElroy, Andie Bolt, Teresa McElroy, Renee Colvert, Allegra Ringo, and Erin Gibson.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hi, I'm Jesse from Jordan, Jesse Go. This is my friend Jordan. Hi, I'm Jordan Morris from the Big Bang Theory. Here, it's just a, can I, Jesse, do you mind if I start us off? Not at all, Jordan. I'm drinking some of this cool, fresh water. Have a gulp of water. Thanks.

And I'll, I'm going some of this cool, fresh water. Have a gulp of water. Thanks. And I'm going to pose a question. Do you think that the possum is the worst mammal? Wow, this is a powerful topic. Wow. I did not know we were putting topics on the table. Yeah, I came to play, baby. Holy shit. What is this? Sports talk radio?

Mammal. That's right. Cooter in the gooch. Pour in the brew. We're talking about mammals. Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby. Is that what sports talk radio is like?

Sorry, marsupial week was last week. Flush him! Somebody suggested koalas. Is a possum the worst mammal? That's an interesting question. What are some of the other possible worst mammals? Like rat. Yeah, but rats are cute though. Yeah, I mean, I know a lot of people will say that, like, you know, they had a pet rat that was very sweet. You know, and I've never been emotionally connected to a rat myself, but I, you know, I've never talked to anybody that's had

a pet possum that's gone. I dated a rat in high school, and she really broke my heart. So that was my main emotional connection to a rat. No, my best friend as a kid, Jody, Jody had a rat that turned out to be a pregnant rat, and then he had a shit ton of rats. But he kept them all.

They had this whole house down in his family room. Is a possum a mammal? No. Do they count as marsupials? What are they? They're marsupials? What are they? They're marsupials? Marsupials. Okay, well, I guess I will alter my statement.

Yeah. Is a possum the worst marsupial? No. You know what? Jordan, I don't think you need to fold to this guy's bullshit. Honestly, that's my feeling about this. need to fold to this guy's bullshit. Honestly, that's my feeling about this. My honest feeling about this is if we say a possum is a

mammal, then a possum is a fucking mammal. Yeah, that's right. You know what else is a mammal? A humpback whale is a mammal. That's a type of fish. I think it's a fish. Yeah. Who even knows what a mammal is, is my point.

I do. A possum. Sure. All the, they have all the qualities of a mammal. Right. Fur. Right. Tail.

Right. Snout. Yeah. But it's the worst version of all three of those. Worst fur. Worst fur. Worst snout. Awful tail.

Okay, let me ask you how this plays into it. And I haven't really thought this through, so I'm just spitballing here. You know the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, but not the new one, the 80s, like BBC? The PBS one, yes. What about those hedgehogs? What's their story? What are they, whales? You think they're the worst mammals? I don't know what they are.

They're probably the heebie-jeebie-est mammal. Does anyone have, does anyone here, I'll source the audience on this, does anyone have a suggestion for a mammal worse than a possum? In the back. Oh, hey, shut up. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's Max Fun Videographer Jay Frosting.

And if you say, if you say, man, we get it. I had shot up. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's Max Fund videographer Jay Frosting. And if you say, if you say, man, we get it. We get it. Yes, we're ruining the environment, Donald Trump. I know. What is a worse mammal than a possum? A ferret. A ferret. Okay.

Jay Frosting said a ferret. Now, right now, over 4,000 listeners to this program are writing you angry emails and CCing their state legislators. You may as well have insulted settlers of Catan. As far as things that will get you angry tweets from a Jordan Jesse Goh listener. A ferret, sir. Are there any other does anyone else have an idea for what might be? I had a friend. You, sir. You, sir, in the middle there.

Baboon with the girl's butt? The baboon with the amazing butt, I think. That's a great tip. I can't even imagine a worse suggestion. Sorry, I think real mammals have curves. And I don't mind that the baboon

has a healthy butt. He's not one of these photoshopped monkeys you see in all the Vogue magazines. Weasel. I think a weasel is the same as a ferret. That's my opinion. I had a ferret friend

who owned a ferret in high school. Me and the ferret. That's my opinion. I had a ferret friend. A friend who owned a ferret in high school. Me and the ferret were acquaintances. And the ferret had weird fur. Weird wiry fur. It smelled like pee all the time. But it made a little noise where it went

wee wee wee wee wee. So Jay, I see your point that they are a So Jay I see your point That they are pretty bad as far as mammals go But They made that little noise that I enjoyed So I think opossum is worse

Can I bring a guest into this Because we have like Jungle Jack Hanna Please let me Jungle Jack Hanna Ladies and gentlemen from Zaboomafoo The Krat Brothers No it's well we have a ton of Max Fund Guests just on hand

Some of whom are not on this list of people Appearing on our show I feel kind of Bad about it and also I think That this guest would Probably bring some insight to this discussion Sure Jonathan from Getting Curious Jonathan I see you in the back there. Will you come up and talk about animals for a second? Give him a name. Give him a name.

This was not a plan. I just feel like Jonathan shows all about learning and engaging with the world. Of course, that's what we're about, too. But I think Jonathan probably has some good insights into the world of animals. How are you, Jonathan? Good. How are you? Oh, I'm fantastic. I'm delighted to see you. You, too.

Your mouth is full of something. It's popcorn. I was just eating so much of it. She's very taken off guard. Jonathan, let's start positive because I know, frankly, you're known as a positive guy. Oh, I am? Yeah. I like that. What would you say is your favorite mammal, Jonathan? Let's start on the positive.

A cat. Yeah. I have two. I'm one of those. It's the worst. Jordan, what about you? You can't say cat. Super cat.

Wait. Dance hall reggae guy? That's the one. Super Cat Wait A dance hall reggae guy? That's the one I assume that's a thing Fine Mine is Boojoo Bantam Yeah I also think cats are great

Because you can hug them Mine love hugs And how do you feel about the possum As an animal, as a marsupial, as a mammal Which they are because you can hug them. Mine love hugs. And how do you feel about the possum? As an animal, as a marsupial, as a mammal, which they are. I'll tell you a really sad story about possums. Please do.

Break it down. One time, I was with my step-grandma, and she ran over. Sad so far. And she ran, well, she's actually my ex-step-grandma. Get the hell out of here. Get the hell out of here. And she ran over this possum, and I saw the whole thing it was like slow motion as it is like little town called Camp Point I couldn't

believe it anyway when we got out of the car like the to be fair that sounds like the kind of place where someone would run over. Camp Point. But yeah totally but like she had been pregnant and they have like those pouches like kangaroos do like there's how old was your step grandma she was pregnant well her name was gay gun and I would assume she was like 60 something she was fierce she had this big like yellow perm and everyone loved it the babies the babies lived, you guys. Yay! They were orphans! And they were very cute, and they were very cute.

And these little babies survived this tragedy. So I can't have any hate or shade to throw at a possum because they are too fierce for that. Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan does not have any shape To throw at a possum Too fierce Yas queens What about deadly creatures Are deadly creatures worse than possums

Well I have never been a fan of a snake Yeah That's not a mammal But it can be deadly. I like mammals. I do. I was racking my brain back there. I can't think of a mammal I don't like. Bunnies?

Most people hate bunnies. That's why I bring it up. Like an old, just an old bear. Just an old, not cute. He's got a lot of scabs. Just an old, sc an old bear. Just an old, not cute. He's got a lot of scabs. Just an old, scabby bear. No?

All right. All right. He loves them. The man, yeah, your reputation is the most positive man in podcasting. Well, no, I mean, because you're like... Oh, shit. What about this pig that bit me one time? Yeah, a specific pig. What about this pig that bit me one time? Yeah, a specific pig. What happened?

Yo, my wife's cousin has this pig. You guys know how that is, right? Sure. This pig lives in his house with his wife and his kid. And we're always hearing about it. The pig's name is Atticus. We're always hearing about how cute he he's the singer of a rock band. I don't even think I need to say that.

Not Atticus, my wife's cousin. If that's what they call their pig, what will they call their child? I'm not even going to tell you what their child's name is. Waterslide? They're wonderful people. Quinoa. They're really lovely people. Anyway, so...

Mendocino Farms. Local jokes get you local work. So, the pig... Okay, so he had a show down here with his rock band. And they were like... They called us like three days before it. And they said, Hey, we're coming down there but our

pig babysitter just flaked off. Our pig babysitter is a tiny horse. He broke his leg and was shot. It's tragic. Yeah. Yeah, it's so funny. The babies lived, though. The babies lived.

Okay, so they call this the pig babysitter. The pig babysitter flaked. Can Atticus stay at your house? And I'm like, fucking yes. Like, for like, because we don't see my wife's cousin that much, you know?

I mean, how often do you see your adult cousins? And so I've been hearing about this pig every nine months, like seeing a picture or whatever, and thinking like... I'm positive this pig has its own Instagram. Where the captions are the pig as itself. Yeah. Dinner time. Snout on fleek.

And so for like for probably three years at that point I had been fantasizing about playing with this pig petting this pig being friends with this pig, like whatever pigs do, like whatever they like, I'll do that. And I'm a real pig pleaser. I sexually identify as a pig pleaser. And so this pig came to our house and they're like, as I said, just the nicest people.

And they said with such conviction, just let him hang out in your backyard and feed him at these times, whatever, he'll be cool. And we had lived in our house for maybe two months, something like that, three months. So we were new to our neighbors first of all this pig immediately starts crying and cries continuously for two days and if you're wondering how a pig cries take Pixar movies you know how you know how you see those videos online of like a goat making a sound that sounds like a human scream? Yeah.

It literally sounded like... Have any of you read that book, Devil in the White City? It's about a guy who builds an abattoir in his house. I'm pretty sure that every single neighbor surrounding us figured it was a Devil in the White City situation. neighbor surrounding us figured it was a devil in the white city situation like we were murdering people and their screams were reverberating across the canyon in which we live so the pig and the pig fucking bit the shit out of me drew blood well I was just trying to pet him I was hecka nice with this pig I did all the shit they told me to excuse me this is an adult

crowd I was hells a nice and this fucker bit me does it have human teeth or pointy teeth well it doesn't have human teeth okay like are they grinders or yeah yeah they did I mean whatever the fuck it had in her. I sexually identify as the grinder. Do you have a scar? Do you have a scar, Jesse? I sexually identify as the grinder from the show The Grinder. I'm a Stamossexual.

Yeah. Is he in that? I might be wrong. No, Roblo. Roblo. What's John Stamos in? And John Stamos is a marsupial, correct? I've got this straight.

Got it. He has to go to the surface to breathe. Sexually. Thank you so much for having me on. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, you know we're from Oh No Ross and Carrie Please welcome up Carrie Poppy So Carrie, let's talk about your nerd complaints about our last segment Okay, yeah, let's talk about your nerd complaints about our last segment.

Taxonomy issues. Okay. Yeah, so, I mean, first of all, marsupials are mammals. They're all mammals. Yeah! Don't worry about that. Jordan was right. Yeah, marsupials are a subcategory of mammals.

Hell yeah. You remember that kings play chess on funny green stools? Do you remember that? No. That's how you remember that kings play chess on funny green stools? Do you remember that? No. That's how you remember that taxonomy order. Wait, things play chess on funny green stools? Yeah. Are you describing the video game Q-Bert? If you

mention any video game other than Tetris, I won't get the joke. Are you talking about T-shaped peas? Are you talking about weird Russian songs? I also have gifts for you guys. Hey! Yeah, so Jordan, you get

The Components of Understanding by L. Ron Hubbard. Oh! Finally, my collection is complete! And Jesse, you get the Bridge to Total Freedom grade chart. I think this is the one where Xenu fights Green Lantern. Which is complete. So this is all the levels you can get to clear.

Wow. Yeah. Oh, shit! I am already a clear certainty rundown. Oh shit I am already A clear certainty rundown All I gotta do is get to Sunshine rundown and it's poppin' Damn clear

Oh shit, now Elrond and Green Lantern Are teaming up to face Darkseid You know what's really sad Is that Ross and I spent like 90 hours at the Church of Scientology and I looked at that and I was like, oh, we're at like the bottom rung

of this. Okay, so let's address this. So what you do on your show, Oh No Ross and Mary. No, just let all these people think I'm Scientologist. Let's explain the premise of the show that is much more popular than ours. Oh, no, no, no. Let's introduce the sponsor of tonight's program.

The Church of Scientology. You're all in the Sea Org. The doors are locked. On your show, Ono, Ross, and Carrie, you and your co-host Ross participate in we presume participate in unusual and fascinating religious organizations that's one thing alternative medical practices penis enlargement joke, but Ross did that. I know. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You never joke about that. I listen to the penis episodes of your show. That's true. To be fair, Jordan just searched iTunes for penis. A lot of This American Life, oddly enough. Yeah, that's right. We join fringe groups.

We get fringe treatments. We do anything that you might find in the weird news segment of Yahoo. So you did an expose of Scientology. You guys went through the ringer. Yes. Since these have been coming out, I think they've been very popular at my Facebook feed. Yeah, yeah. I think that's right. Those were all my posts.

Sure, yeah. I only follow one person on Facebook. Everybody else is my post. You're like, Carrie loves these episodes of her own show. Wow. Have you heard from the Church of Scientology? Have they contacted you? A little. Yes and no.

So here's what done happened. I'll give you guys the scoop. So wait, did you say you spent 60 hours? 90 hours. 90 hours? So how long did you quit your jobs? That's combined. That's me and Ross combined.

Right? I know. I at least, like, I'm a writer and a journalist, so I can at least be like, okay, this week is full. I'm going to pare down my jobs. But Ross has a 9 to 5. I don't know. Ross is a Catholic priest.

Very weird that he would be spending so much time. Absolutely. Yeah, he's a priest, and he has a wife and child. I don't know how he does it. Probably learned something from LRH. It's cool that you call him that. Yeah, no. Like how Dave Matthews fan fans just call him that. Like how Dave Matthews fans

just call him Dave. We're on acronym terms. You know, for a cult leader, he's super chill. He's coming back, you know. I've heard that. To face Darkseid. That's why there is an office for L. Ron Hubbard in every single um Scientology org in the world they keep an office that's in pristine condition with a desk and

pens like ready for him when he comes back I have a question when he comes back holy shit when he comes back will he be like fucking with an electric typewriter, or is he going to know about Windows 10 and shit? Has he been ghost flying around learning new OSs and softwares for writing sci-fi novels? Yeah, I mean, his whole thing was that they had the most advanced technology in the universe. Right. Where is he right now? Is he in space? We don't know.

So this is the official answer. We don't know where he is. He is out right now? Is he in space? We don't know. So this is the official answer. We don't know where he is. He's, uh, he is out there. He's in another paradigm. He's doing this work on an even more important level. Cool. So have you, so you have heard from them kind of? Oh yes. Sorry. Yeah. When you asked me 10 minutes ago. Yeah, so Ross actually, this hasn't been released in the episodes yet, but I'll tell you guys. That's right. So Ross got kicked out of a meeting when they found out who we were. And here's how they found out. This is amazing.

The woman who found out has a friend who's a Mormon who had listened to our show and had heard the Mormon episodes. So this woman is talking about how she has this student named Ross who she's so excited about, he's so into it, he's so interested in learning. Aw, I feel so bad for this woman. She was excited enough about Ross that she was talking about him casually. To her friends, yeah. So then this friend, who's Mormon... He's worse than that possum whose babies got squeezed out of it by a truck. Worse than that possum whose babies got squeezed out of it by a truck.

So then this Mormon friend says, he doesn't have a friend named Carrie, right? And she's like, hell yeah. And so she says like, oh, wow, unless this is a really crazy coincidence, there are these people, Ross and Carrie, they're journalists. They also joined the Mormon Church and did episodes about us. So she goes and looks it up. We had been using our real names this whole time. So this is like three months in, they had never Googled us.

Which you'd think they would. They've been following you the whole time. Yeah, so they Googled him. Apparently David Miscavige personally called and was like get him out. So Ross got thrown out of this class, escorted out. And then, this is my favorite part, Ross is still on this email list that I never got on. And the email list sent him an email that

said, you are personally invited to LRH's birthday. And Ross was like, okay. So Ross shows up, this is like a week ago, Ross shows up and he's like, hey. I guess Ross shows up. This is like a week ago. Ross shows up and he's like, hey. I guess we're cool. He said I was invited. Clearly that blew over. That whole me exploiting you for my podcast thing.

No, no, no. They're not exploiters. No, I'm sorry. Exploring. Sure. I'm sorry. Explorting. I know you like to call it punsploiting.

One of the things that makes Ross and Carrie's show so special is that they give a sincere and open-hearted look at whatever it is. It's not about stick-pointing fingers and embarrassing people. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, that's definitely our aim. And, I mean, sure, we find humor in whatever we do. There's funny stuff in there. Sure.

But yeah, I mean, you always find out, no matter where you go, these people are like us. They believe things for rational reasons that anyone might believe in something. I have heard that you told my story about my Scientologist neighbor on your show. That's true. I emailed you for permission. Is that where you heard about it? In the email?

She emailed me for permission to not delete it from the show that she had already finished recording. To be fair. Which is, you know, a really hard process. My neighbor, okay, so my neighbor, bless her heart, we basically had a boundary dispute with our neighbor after we bought our house, which is to say that they didn't like the legal boundary.

They thought we were getting too close and we went over there to we went over to their house to try and kind of smooth things over like we were gonna do something really nice for them and blah blah blah and we got there it's like an older couple and in their sitting room where they sat us down there was literally a wall of Scientology books like not like they had a copy of Dianetics on a coffee table. It was like going to a personal injury lawyer's office, only instead of the fake law books they have there,

it was all real Scientology books that I think they probably had read. And we got into the disagreement with them about it, and we were trying to be really nice. We thought we were being generous. And they were not having it. And so basically we were like, okay, well, I guess there's no way to be friends with them. That's the end of that. You know, like what can you do?

A couple months later. Wait, isn't it key that your wife is pregnant during this story? We're getting there. Oh. Wait, isn't it key that your wife is pregnant during this story? We're getting there. Oh. So we bought our house when my wife was a few months pregnant,

my wife Teresa from One Bad Mother. Thank you. And so this was a few months later, so maybe my wife is six, seven months pregnant. And I go off to this public radio conference in Atlanta Georgia and name-dropping yeah that's right the Real Housewives were there of Atlanta and some other Atlanta things CNN Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer was there and so I'm at this conference and this woman is calling Teresa over and over.

And every time she calls, she says, "'Oh, can I talk to your husband?' And she says, "'No, he's away.' And she says, "'Okay,' and like hangs up." And we're like, what is going on? Like, what is this about? Is this a weird like 1940s thing? Like where she can only talk to the man in the house but she's the woman of the house so that doesn't work and she wanted to sell you some

brushes yeah exactly and finally Teresa is so bent out of shape about this that she just says to me she goes I don't know Jesse what she says the lady she's like I don't know just he's at conference, like you can call him on his cell phone if you want to. And so she called me, and I'm sitting in this hotel room in Atlanta, and I get a call from L.A. I don't know who it is, so I answer. And it's this woman. She's so pissed at me.

And, you know, I'm trying to just explain to her, yeah, you know, we're not going to do anything about this, whatever, and she's telling me we need to give her back that property, and we're like, we didn't take it from you. It's our property. We bought it when we bought the house. There was a fence there already, like the whole nine yards. And she's telling me about how she's going to bring lawsuits.

If we try and build anything there, she's going to call every inspector in the town, and she's going to bring the police there and all this different shit. And she goes, do not cross me if I am a lioness and you will not like it if I am crossed. And then we realized that the reason she wouldn't talk

to my wife is because she didn't want to imprint negative engrams on the unborn child. That's sweet. That's really sweet. So it's actually kind of considerate of her. The moral of the story is, at the end of the day, she was a pretty thoughtful woman. A pretty thoughtful lioness.

Forgive me, thoughtful lioness. Yes, thank you. It's funny when you said that I'm a lioness and do not cross me. That's the exact same thing that was said to me when I had a property dispute with Beyonce. You know what? me that's the exact same thing that was said to me when I had a property dispute with Beyonce that is actually the same thing that happened to me when I was a mouthy middle schooler and my dad was Alec Baldwin Carrie, what was the best part of Scientology? Oh, what was the best part?

I thought their brunch was good. Did you feel empowered at all? Didn't you feel empowered because you had a team of aliens on your side? No, you know, Scientology is surprisingly boring. That's actually what I took away from it. I thought this would be a little creepier. surprisingly boring that's like actually what i took away from it was like i thought this would be a little creepier it is the way that i think they if the if they are said to gain any control of your mind it is through repetition and boredom to like the point that you're just like you're like sure whatever you say just get me out of here um it's basically like an sat prep class

yeah that's a good comparison that's what i'm imagining. It just lulls you into complacency. Oh no! I know what my favorite part was. My favorite part was... You don't have to yell the name of your podcast. We get it. We get it. You have a catchphrase. Buzz marketing. No, my favorite part was this guy who worked there who was telling us, actually he was telling us about the engrams during pregnancy

and how they're so potent. They're more potent than anything that happens to you as an adult. And he said it's because the fetus is so strong. And during the pregnancy, the fetus can basically overcome anything. And Ross and I were like, I don know miscarriages are pretty common and the guy said no did you know if you puncture a fetus's head with a needle during an abortion that fetus will regrow its brain and survive. Why is this your favorite part? Well this is great because usually Ross and I are really able to keep our cool.

We have a pretty high tolerance for weird stuff. So we're usually just sitting there nodding. When they said this, we both burst out laughing. And I was like, that's not true. And Eddie was like, no, no, I think that's true. And you could see him just sort of like folding into himself and thinking about it like, I guess I've never thought about this. And I said, why would any abortion work then?

And he was like... And then he threw down a smoke bomb. And when the smoke cleared, he was gone. Might as well have. Ladies and gentlemen, Gary Poffey. We got more guests to bring up here. We got a shit ton of guests on this week's program. So let's welcome to the stage from the hit max fun podcast bunker buddies Andy bolt and Travis McElroy

well fine just stand up and give us a quick tight five. You got it. Hey, you ever notice possums? Yeah, I did my possum material. Do something about Uber. Parallel thinking, Jordan. Parallel thinking. Sounds like we got a real Amy Schumer-style joke theme. Make sure to point that microphone away from your mouth.

What? I don't like that. I've never podcasted before. I don't think Amy Schumer stole jokes I'm excited about the female Ghostbusters Can I real quick I want to weigh in on Hawthorne Gate It's a bunch of men who want to talk about feminism Hold on

Hold on What about a feminist I am I don't think Amy Schumer stole jokes Okay number one Be quiet Number two I want to explain something. I'll be over here. Sorry, you had some feelings about possum game?

I do. I want to make a case not for possums, but to place armadillos above possums. Oh, you against the dillers. They can give humans leprosy. Wow. Yeah. What has a possum ever done That has given a human being Unless the possum spilled leprosy on a human

I think the possum has never Come to leprosy Who let these possums into the leprosy We thought they were dead They're just walking around with too many vials I got too many babies And too many vials Sure is hard to play dead with all many vials. I got too many babies and too many vials. Sure is hard to play dead with all these vials. Why would a dead person have so many vials?

Dr. Schmidt, I have the perfect way to transport our vials. I found him under my porch. Andy, do you have an opinion on the worst mammal discussion? You know, people were tweeting at me like, what do you think? And I was like, R-O-U-S is hot. And I referenced high-fived myself.

Which is real lame. Hey, have you guys seen this movie, The Usual Suspects? It is really cool. You should watch it. It's really cool. I've only made it about three quarters of the way through. It's really cool. You should watch it. It's really cool.

I've only made it about three quarters of the way through. Sorry, Brian. I'm one of those people who had pet rats growing up, so I think they're adorable. I might even, my notion that people tell me about their cute rats, that might even be from talking to you. Oh, it probably was. Because you don't shut up about it we had several they all die from cancer and tumors oh wait were they lab rats as soon as they start growing lumps you're just like here comes that cancer again that is your that is your fault for testing that makeup on them

i need to know how it looked before I put it on my own face I would say my family raises goats and I do think I love goats but billy goats when you don't castrate them they can be very gruff they're so disgusting

I don't know if a lot of people know this but billy goats, the way to attract a mate is to piss all over their own face. So like, they smell awful. And then, and then they're raping everybody. And they're just these rapists.

They'll rape their own kids. And then they just piss on their face and they just contort their bodies and they make this noise. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And they're disgusting, vile creatures. And they're way worse than a possum. But possums don't eat tin cans.

Right now possums is definitely in the lead, Jordan. Oh, they can be so cute. Okay, so armadillos, they could be laprotic, but they roll up in a cool ball that you can roll in a cartoon. Such a cool ball. You are right. What is... What about mangy coyotes?

Ooh, when they're mangy. They take people's dogs. Yup. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Right now there's some coyotes hanging out by Dave Shumka's house. This is not a joke, my friends. This is serious business. Please, stop laughing. Right now there's some coyotes hanging out by Dave Shumka's house, and when he takes his dog for a walk, he just has to carry his dog and his baby like this,

which is actually pretty cute now that I think about it. And the coyotes are thrown off by how cute it is. You just want to sneak in a cute dad story. You hooked us all. You said mangy coyotes. Listen, I think as long as those coyotes don't get the Acme catalog, they will probably be fine. I feel like when I see mangy coyotes in L.A.,

I just have so much sympathy for them because, like, they don't have a lot of options to eat. They're probably living off garbage. They're not mangy because they want to be. Yeah, I do feel like coyotes are, especially mangy- like coyotes whose habitat has been imposed upon, are very sympathetic. I want to talk about something that's important. Okay. Now, Travis, you have promised to do something if we met the 5,000 donor goal.

Can you tell me what it is? I promised that I would get my second year running a Max Fundrive tattoo. And I did. Just in case. That wasn't clear. I didn't do that. We'll let you know whether or not he did

after the break. After this word from the Church of Scientology. Hey, it's me. What kind of... The Scientology mascot. It's that little DNA from Jurassic Park. Dinosaurs are full of phaetons. Can I tell you...

Dinosaurs? Can I tell you they're oppressive? Okay, so what was the first Max Fun tattoo you got? The first one I got was a rearing horse Raring? Raring Raring? Champing Champing is the mouth Raring is raised up

What is it any of you nerds know On a field a coat of arms when the horse is up? Rampant. Rampant thank you Well this nerd knew Hey boss how's it going? Snow on a Field, the coat of arms when the horse is up. Rampant. Rampant, thank you. Well, this is new. Hey, boss, how's it going? But the horse is up, and then it has the banner Middleist across it. This one, I won't say what it is yet, but it is Adventure Zone themed,

and Carrie Peach did it, who is Carrie Draws on Twitter. Yeah, she's great, and she does a lot of Adventure Zone art for us, and so I wanted something that was like recalled all that for me for the show. My dad is also getting one. Important to know. Clint McElroy, fully grown me. 55 or 60, right? That is kind.

He is a million. He's a million years old. Ain't my dad. He's a Highlander. You have to cut off his head to kill him. My dad is going to live forever. I believe he is an incredibly youthful 62, if I'm not mistaken. He's full of verve. Oh, yeah.

And Moxie, piss and finnegan are gross. That's my dad. So I know you're not unveiling it yet. Yeah. But I think we can tease that it's on the dick. Little tease. Well, not that little. Andy and Travis, everybody.

Podcasts. Podcasts. Podcasts. Podcasts. They're audio programs that tell smart stories in innovative ways using editing techniques like this. Like this. Like this. But let's face it,

all that smart stuff can be exhausting. That's where Stop Podcasting Yourself comes in. It's so stupid. It's just two stupiding Yourself comes in. It's so stupid. It's just two stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop Podcasting Yourself. The stupid show that smart people love. Find it on iTunes

or MaximumFun.org La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Let's bring Teresa and Travis on. Let's bring Teresa, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause. Teresa and Travis McElroy. Teresa and Travis, of course, together, host the new MaxFun podcast, Schmanners. Teresa being an etiquette expert and Travis being an animal man.

Correct. I am a mountain man. A former animal man. Former. Oh. You succeeded in every stereotypical woman's dreams. Changing your husband and shaping him to your desires and dreams? I'd be done.

Succeeded? We'll have to see. What are some of the animal-like qualities you had to breed out of him? Yeah, like what's the worst things about your husband? Travis, cover your ears. I guess he's not too handsome. Nick's too big. But not in the right way backwards

it's too deep got a real deep dick we're done so yeah sorry Mrs. McElroy we've spoken on the show about how Travis So yeah, so what are these? Sorry Mrs. McElroy. We've spoken on the show about how Travis has a medical condition called dyspepsia.

Where in his upper esophageal sphincter does not close correctly. You guys laughed at sphincter. I'm right there. We're adults. I have a business. You have children. You're a dad. Go on. And so he burps quite often.

It takes very little for him to burp quite loudly and often. And it sounds like the devil. It's not good. It often sounds like a velociraptor. Well, I practiced that one. Can he use his burps to open doors? Like the velociraptor. Like the popular velociraptor.

Just because I haven't witnessed it doesn't mean it's not true. Does he have opposable burps? Does he burp in packs? But that's a medical condition. Right, but your response to burping. But that's a medical condition. Right, but your response to burping is not part of a medical condition.

No, I will often be very proud of it. And so One time it was a minute and a half. No exaggeration. I was passed out. It was amazing. Not anymore. And so over the course of our relationship, I have implored him to cover up his burps.

Yes. Either by closing his mouth or covering his mouth with his hands. I also don't eat like a monster anymore. I used to eat like a monster, quite literally. Like a picture cookie monster, but with terrible sandwiches. And that was pretty much my go-to because I built them so big they would fall apart while I ate them. So I had to consume them quickly

before they eroded in my hands. Ladies and gentlemen, Dagwood Bones. Not far off. But I don't do that anymore. Also thanks to Blue Apron. I also had this huge dog that was constantly stealing long trails of sausage

from the butcher his name was Marmaduke and he thought he was people I can see my dead grandpa and wherever I go I shit out a dotted line who's the worst mammal? not me

sorry again Teresa shit out of dotted lines. Who's the worst mammal? Not me. Sorry again, Teresa. So what about this animal eating? What was he doing? He would take very large bites and chew them really not at all. That is true. And anytime I looked at him across the table

for myself, he would freeze. Like a possum caught jacking off. Anytime I looked at him across the table for myself, he would freeze. Like a possum caught jacking off. I wanted her to continue to love me. And so I knew that if she saw me actively eating, she would be horrified. So I would just freeze in place until she looked away. Now, have you considered maybe erecting a sandwich tent? A male sandwich privacy tent.

Hear me out. It's a tent in the living room where a male can go to eat sandwiches privately. Or an animal-like person of any gender. Sure. So, Teresa, on our itinerary, there's a note that says

you have some thoughts on tattoo etiquette. Yes, I do. To coincide with Travis's reveal of his new Max Fun tattoo. And I actually had to outsource this because I do not have any tattoos. Oh. Your hairdo suggests otherwise. A blob I like spotless skin. So I did some research, and the etiquette regarding tattoos is two-sided.

One, etiquette going into a tattoo shop, becoming tattooed. And the other one, being a visible tattooed person. So I'd like to start with... We prefer the term illustrated. Oh, I'm sorry. I'd like to start with... We prefer the term illustrated. Oh, I'm sorry. I'd like to start with being in the shop. Now, haggling is something that doesn't occur very often in our culture. We do some at garage sales and flea markets and things like that.

But apparently, when it comes to getting a tattoo or really any kind of art or design, it seems that people tend to lowball their tattoo artists and say, how much for this tattoo that I brought in? And the tattoo artist will be like, oh, that's $200. I'm like, well, I was thinking more $100. That is a bad idea. Don't do that.

Because this person has a needle and they are doing something to you that is permanent. Can I tell you when I got a tattoo how I chose my tattoo artist I think that's something that a lot of people have a hard time with trying to decide how to

I really strongly recommend that if you read a comic book about a dog that you like get that guy to do your tattoo. Oh, yes, sure. And I'll go ahead and say that there's another area of commerce that you should not haggle inside. And I'm going to say don't haggle with your dominatrix. Could cause bodily harm. Well, I'm going to say the opposite.

If you lowball her, she will not stomp on you. Oh, she won't. She won't hurt you enough. I thought I was getting my balls stomped on. I'm getting unballed. Yeah, sure. I would also suggest that you establish the price of the tattoo before you get it, because

after you get it, you're kind of in for a penny penny in for a pound you can't return it right yes um and then unless you're super gutsy and then another thing is a lot of tattoo artists pride themselves on their portfolio of work and so something that seems to happen quite often is people find something on the Internet that they enjoy, and they bring it in. And what happens when something is on the Internet and brought in to be a tattoo is that means that, like, thousands of other people have it, and it's not a very distinctive thing for that tattoo artist to do. Now, my guy was surprised when I wanted erotic Captain Crunch fan art. So I don't know

if that, in all cases, that's true. Did you allow it to be his own design? Have I shown you any of my Christian Sonic stuff on my back? Full back Christian Sonic. Oh, wow. Very nice. No one comes to the Lord but unto me.

Knuckles. And my arms are just dragon's fucking cars. So don't lowball. Don't reconsider bringing in popular internet images. Yes. Or just a recopied image. You can have an idea for an image and then have someone design it or have them design it. Right, right.

But something that you found on Pinterest is probably on several thousand other people. Sure. Oh, because I got a tattoo of a wedding with a bunch of hay bales. And I got a tattoo of a hand that had some nice nail art. It's just highly unoriginal, you guys. Sure, sure. And now what about the tattoo haver? What sort of etiquette falls on that person?

Well, it's not the tattoo haver. It's the interaction with other people. Like don't make others smell it. Unless it's a scratch and sniff tattoo. Yeah, sure. I don't think that happens. Oh, that's the next big thing. Yeah, TM, TM, TM.

Sure. No, it's other people staring at tattoos. It is not appropriate to stare at any person. And then it's also not appropriate to touch a tattoo on a person that you don't know you shouldn't touch strangers and it's not appropriate to get a Celtic tattoo even if your grandma was Irish

you can get a Celtic style tattoo of your grandma I think that's highly original I like that you'd be amazed how many people come up and just touch my tattoo without talking to me I'll be at a bar like be amazed how many people come up and just like touch my tattoo without like talking to me.

I'll be like at a bar like this and then just come up and like stroke my wrist. Like that's a thing. That's cool. But also they don't feel like anything. It's thin. Why are they touching it? Excellent point Jordan. That's true.

It would be incredible if it was like, it's like a real tattoo. Yeah. Or pineapple. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Can we run it again? Colin. Okay. We'll take it back. We need a clean cut. Can we run it again? Colin. Okay, we'll take it. We need a clean cut.

Let's get some options on that. It's like a real pineapple. Okay, now give me... Okay, Travis. Now give me some efforts. You're picking up a barrel. Make the sound of picking up a barrel. You just got shot. No, it's the same sound. You can just use it. It's multi.

You're having an incredible orgasm. Oh. My, but I'm enjoying this. What a wonderful orgasm I've just had. Oh, this is some fine sex. That sounds about right. Jordan, have you ever thought about getting a tattoo? I don't think I have the personality for it.

Really? I would have one and people would go, really, That guy? I have a sincere answer to tattoo thoughts. This is very fucking Orange County here. But I could see, you know, if I were to settle down sometime and have some kids, maybe getting like a family tattoo. The social distortion logo. We all get the skeleton holding the martini cup. I kind of like that idea of the family tattoo. I think

it's a cool idea. I would consider it. You know, Biz, Alice, from One Bad Mother, and her husband, Stefan, both have family tattoos, like families of birdies. I want to say they both have the families of birdies. They're very beautiful, and when I saw them, I thought I was really jealous of them, because I thought it was a beautiful celebration of how much they love each other and their children. Yeah. You should get one of those tattoos, but for their family, too. Mrs. Biz.

I was thinking, actually, of doing a family tattoo, just of those stick figures from the rear window of S&B. Oh, yeah, and you can add on to it. Biz. I was thinking actually of doing a family tattoo just of those stick figures from the Weird Windows best of these. Oh, yeah, and you can add on to it. Yeah. Add new pets. And then I just cross out Teresa's one, and then I write, ladies, this is not available. Oh, dear.

I would maybe get one. Maybe if my future wife was into it, I would get one across my back that said, eaten. And, I would get one across my back that said, eaten, and then she would get one on her back that said, ate cheat. And then when we stood shoulder to shoulder, you would have the essence of our love.

So is it time for the big reveal? Yeah, I think it's time for the big reveal. Are you guys ready for this, ladies and gentlemen? Is this healed, or are we just going to see a gross scab? I just got it today. Holy shit. So it's still covered in plastic, but I'll try to make it as clear and blood.

Yeah, there's blood. I got it seven hours ago. You might have to stand up here. Oh, okay. I'll do that. I'm a little woozy. So that's it. It's a 20-sided die

that's all 20s. And underneath it is a banner that says, I do that. Yeah. Thank you. Travis and Teresa, ladies and gentlemen.

So that wasn't your only chance to see it. Pics to come. Pics to come. Oh, speaking of pics. Speaking of pics. We're going to reveal some very exciting pics in this next segment. But before we get to that, please welcome to the stage Renee and Allegra from Can I Pet Your Dog?

Hi, ladies. Doing all right. Doing all right. Can I tell you something that happened to me at the airport earlier today? Please. I'm on this.

I'm at the San Francisco airport. It's got one of those air trains. I'm on this air train. Oh, man, is there a's got one of those air trains. I'm on this air train. Oh, man, is there a dog on this train? Oh, boy. Oh, boy, Jesse. Lordy, lordy. Is there a dog on this train?

And it's like a, hmm, it's a stump-like dog. Okay. Like a corgi dog, but with long, straight hair. Ooh, I wanted to get up in this dog. Now, obviously, from listening to our podcast, you know you went up there, you asked the name, you asked to pet him. Give us a story. So I'm there, and I'm sitting, and I got my luggage there, and I'm looking at this dog sort of, it's a little bit too far for me to get up without, like, picking up my luggage and walking over there.

And I'm like, this guy doesn't want anybody to bother him. He's on the air train. This guy's just trying to get to Dallas for his mom's funeral with the dog or whatever. And I just didn't want to say anything. The dog was in his traditional funeral vestments. Yeah, while it's holding the flowers. You know, my tail is doing this. I don't comprehend death. He seems real upset.

Too abstract for me. But I can talk. Well, back to waiting on my dead owner's food. They built a statue of me in Scotland or something. So I was just sitting there thinking, like, I got to, man, I want to pet this dog so bad. But then I was like, I don't want to bother this person. I don't want to bother this dog. Like this is a real stimulus intensive environment.

This clear eyed young woman walks up to this man and says, hello, sir. Can I pet your dog? Yes, Jesse. Yes. Now, did he wipe away his tears in a blind? He said, no, bitch! My mother just died! Renee and I have actually been told no once.

Outside of Swingers, there was this really cute dog. Wait, outside of Swingers? Sorry, Swingers is a restaurant. I don't like her. Go with it. It's fine. Right? Madam, you're interrupting our order.

The dog is a service animal. Swingers Cafe. We were outside of Swingers, and we saw this incredibly money German Shepherd. Exactly. Impressive. We saw a German Shepherd that does not hold up. It was on its time. It was on its time. And we said, oh, can we pet your dog?

And this old guy said, no, like that. And we both went, ha ha, because it sounded like a joke, no. And he really meant no. He was like, she's not friendly. And we're like, why did you say it in such a weird way? And you better believe we spent the rest of our breakfast just outraged. Infuriated. It was so weird.

We couldn't let it go. By the time the check came, we were still like, I think that guy's out there, because I'm really going to let him know weird. We couldn't let it go. By the time the check came, we were still like, think that guy's out there? Because I'm really going to let him know. We would not love it. I'm going to give that dog a pat. Yeah.

We got no ears. Make some belly rubs. So, I mean, I guess you guys do a podcast that is sort of related to a running theme tonight. What do you guys think the worst mammal is? Ooh. Listen, I'm going to go with possum. I have a little bit of my own possum story. So scary that I may not be able to fully retell it.

Okay. There was a possum in my spot where I park at my apartment. What the fuck? A possum took your fucking parking spot? Took my spot. He, like, pulled his Prius right in there? Took it right on in. Right on.

Didn't even ask. Didn't even act like it was a problem. You know he drives a BMW. Oh, cool car. To this possum's credit, he did nothing scary. He didn't rear his teeth or do anything. He just had a tail that I didn't care for. Very gross tail.

And I backed out and I parked five blocks away. That possum got my spot that night. Not going to deal with it. Do you think about calling the city and having the possum toad? Yeah. You could put a boot on it. That would have been smart. I didn't have the number on me.

Otherwise, I would have. That would be cute, a tow truck dragging a little possum. I like them now. That's fine. That's fine. Put them on a tow truck. They're fun. I want to talk. That's fine. That's fine. Put them on a tow truck. They're fun. I want to talk real quick about Teresa's tattoo etiquette.

You guys, I was in line for Space Mountain once, and there was a very tattooed Disney tattooed person. Sure. I broke every last one of those. Sounds very cool. Including asking to smell it. It was just touch it. Can I smell your suit?

I didn't know. I didn't know all the etiquette. I asked every story for 45 minutes. I bet you Disney tattoo guy at Disneyland was stoked. He was pretty happy to tell me all those stories. Sure. When you smelled it, did it smell like small town homosexuality? Up until this very moment, I wasn't able to place it.

Yes, now it was the smell. So I think something that we are going to do today is reveal a very highly anticipated photo of a pet in a hat. What is your guys' – what is the Can I Pet Your Dog consensus? Maybe there's not one. I'm assuming there is. What is the Can I Pet Your Dog consensus on clothes on pets yay or nay I think we are I think correct me if I'm wrong we're night we are for them if the animal seems content and happy and fine in them otherwise no but if the animal seems fine we're we're

pro yeah well let me ask you guys this I don't think I need to tell you that through the centuries, there's been an incredible, historic, legendary animus between two animal friends. Of course, I'm referring to cats and dogs. You two are dog-sperts. That's short for dog experts. You're also dog-sperts. That's short for dog-experts. You're also dog-thusiasts. I don't think I need to explain what that's short for.

How do you feel about feline creature animals? Somehow I ran out of steam at the last second. I thought creature animals were great. Okay, great. Thank you. Pretty good. Thank you. You know what?

Recently have become on board. For a long time. Really? I've had some strong opinions against them. Do you think you just got infected by cryptosporidium? I think that's precisely what happened. Here's what changed. I used to come out a cat like you would pet a dog.

They don't care for that much. Go right for the belly. I don't like that very much at all. I'd come out injured every time. Yeah. I know. Fake throw that tennis ball at me. I just want to lay in a sunbeam. That's all I'm asking.

But recent years, I dig them. Really? Now what was the big turnaround? Whoa, good question. You know what? I actually once got to meet Jordan's cat, Bug. It's a great cat. And that was the big thing? That's what did it. You know what? I actually once got to meet Jordan's cat, Bug. It's a great cat. And that was what did it?

That's what did it. Bug turned around. I should probably thank her for that. I should write her a thank you note. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just open up the curtain a little bit so a sunbeam comes in. Does she need me to call she wants? Lay in that shit. That's so cute. What about you? How do you feel about cats? I also, I know this is a

disappointing answer. I also like cats. I think it would be more interesting if we were like, God, we just hate cats so much. I think we are both part of that same cat Facebook group. Oh my God, you guys, you mean the LA Underground Cat Network? The LA Underground Cat Network, yes. Second only in positive vibes to the Can I Pet Your Dog Facebook group. It's great. It's just pictures of cats and people go, your cat's cute. And then the person says, thanks, it's great. It's a fun online community.

It's like there's no hostility. It's just very nice. No one's talking about the new Ghostbusters. No one. So, is it time to show the pic? Let's explain kind of what went on. So, you know, obviously all the MaxFun hosts are, you know, doing everything they can to get, you know, new donors, to get people to increase their donations. And, you know, we're all offering, you know, what we can. I think, you know, Travis mentioned he got his tattoo. Renee's going to eat cheese, which she hates.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, he got his tattoo. Renee's going to eat cheese, which she hates. Oh. Yeah. Well, and going back to the cat thing, here's what happened. We put what we would do at the very end of our very last Fun Drive announcement.

I think maybe people were turning out at that point. Nobody's called us out on this. We're like, maybe nobody knows what we said we'd do. What did you offer? So I don't care for cheese. Please don't throw things at me. I'm sorry. I know it's a flaw.

And Allegra doesn't like blueberries. So we just, oh, just oh just so creatively we're like we'll eat cheese and blueberries at a cat cafe yeah I'm on board for that in the blueberries would help me get through it. Do you like sweet cheeses or savory cheeses less? Oh, good question. Sweet cheeses less. Because sweet cheeses are gross. Yeah, sweet cheeses are gross. Like cheesecake, you would like less? Cheesecake is gross.

I can work with tacos. I can work with pizza. Little note, thanks. Anything else, everybody gets. You guys are saying. He knows he's a cheesecake nerd. You guys are saying that if we reach a certain goal, you guys will do something that to others would be a fun afternoon.

Yeah. Let's be honest. To most. That's right. That's how dedicated we are. So for Christmas, Jesse was nice enough to give my cat, Bug, a Viking hat on Etsy. Again, nice is a stretch. I apologize for that.

That was a rude gift. I have not, until recently, been able to put the hat on the cat because she doesn't want to wear it. It's not fun for her. Sure. But I said I would try again if we reached a certain amount of tweets with the hashtag bughat. That was 100 tweets, I believe. A huge movement, bigger than Kony 2012. It changed the world.

No hashtag has had more influence than hashtag bughat. Earlier today, a few Max Funsters in the data sciences crunched the numbers. They did some social science analytics and we found that Jordan Jesse Go Listener had more than tripled the threshold. There were, I think

it was 312. A lot of bug hat tweets. So, today... Now, we should explain. You weren't able to do it. Your sister was able to do it. We had her as a guest on the program. She broke down the system for us. So I used my sister's patented cat hat sabermetrics.

You've got to look for undervalued assets. Undervalued cat hats. Her secret was tying it around her neck first and then poofing it over her head. I did it. So I think there are two photo sets here a before and an after. Brian can we show? Just gonna walk it around. Everyone will see it on the live stream, but live in person. So here's before. I can see. She's not loving it. There's a struggle happening.

Wait, we can't get it on the live stream? Oh, it is on the live stream. For the audience. Okay, so this is a sort of series of narrative photographs of you attempting to put the hat on to Buck. Yeah. Jordan, is there a reason why you're wearing long sleeves? Are you covering up some pretty... No, I'm wearing shorts.

Okay. Am I wearing shorts? I don't know what I'm wearing. Oh, no, no. Right now. Did it... Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

My arms are scratched to fuck. Just bloody. Yeah, yeah. Scratched to fuck. All right. Oh, so he used to be a junkie. Yeah. I have track marks.

And, yeah, I think here, I think here It finally happened Let's put that up there And show it There you go Got a little hat on Hashtag bug hat Just because you've already seen the picture Doesn't mean you should stop

Hashtagging bug hat Aww It's so cute. Aw. She's a little Viking. So cute. A little fucking Viking. Jordan, I'm sorry, and you're welcome.

It's a lot of fun. So yeah, thank you to everybody who's been donating and hashtagging, getting the word out. That's a big part of why this has been such a success. And our thank yous to Renee and Allegra. Thank you. Thank you. We've got one more

segment. Fan favorite stalwart Jordan Jesse Go segment. And to do it with us, we're going to have a fan favorite Jordan Jesse Go guest. Maybe the single funniest person in the entire MaxFun universe. Someone whose work I admire tremendously.

Someone who I'm building up too much so that anything she does will be a disappointment to you. Please welcome to the stage, from Throwing Shade, Aaron Gibson. How are you, Aaron? Hi. I have so much to say because I was listening to everything. Okay. Let's just run us through your thoughts. Number one, I have a very bad tattoo on my ankle that a boy who was a surfer in Texas figured that out, picked out.

Tribal art. Are you sure it was a surfer from Texas figured that out, picked out. Tribal art. Are you sure it was a surfer from Texas and not just an armadillo? It was an armadillo. It took him a long time to decide which one. They cross the road very slowly. That's why they die all the time. Number two. Wait, what is the tattoo of?

Tribal art. Tribal art. Do you want to see it? It's on my ankle. What tribe? The 90s tribe? The fucking the loyal order of the red hot chili pepper. The bad garbage tribe? My aunt saw it. I got it

when I was 15. My aunt saw it and she goes, you're going to regret that. And I go, no I won't. Yes I do. didn't pick it I mean at least she didn't go with his other suggestion which was who bestank rules okay so that's thought number one Number two As a dog owner of a dog who is Possibly abused

Or, you know, was a street dog Just a drug dealer or something I have a dog Wait, your dog was a drug dealer? I don't know his past It's rude to ask He has a lot of track marks for a dog He didn't come with a knife, but I feel like he could use one.

Right. He doesn't attack anybody, but if you go to pet him, he doesn't like his space invaded. And it gets really hard disappointing people. So don't be too hard on someone for being like, no. Because it is literally, my dog is so cute and everyone's like hi and i'm like please stop you're making this hard you will die already um that was one thing my dog on the uh when we're hiking uh my dog sissy coco my dog coco uh for some reason i have had to start to like train my dog Coco to want to go for walks. At some point she just quit being a dog. But my dog Sissy still

loves going for walks and she'll, you know, she'll run up and down the trail. I don't know what that means. She'll run up and down the trail. She'll have a great time. And the only problem is, like, she won't, like, when she's off the leash, she's not really going to bark. She's not going to bite anybody or anything like that. And she'll come right back if I call her and that kind of thing. But what she will do is she will come and sort of, like, play with kids or families or whatever, other dogs she'll play with. But just any, like, a big buff dude that's, like, running in running tights,

and he's got headphones in, he's not really paying attention. My dog, who's a Chihuahua terrier, she's, like, this big and blonde. You know, she will, she'll kind of be coming up, and the person, this giant dude or whatever, will not even be looking at her. And then she'll just go, like, ah! And you just see this giant, like, the rock-looking guy go, No, Oliver does the same thing. He makes men squeal. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I feel bad about it. It is bad, but, you know, fuck those guys. Yeah. What are you doing running when we're supposed to be hiking? I feel like there are two, like, big things that I things that I'm morally opposed to that those dudes are doing. One is shirtlessness in public. I'm against that.

Number two, looking good shirtless. Like, fuck you, man. We get what you're doing. I don't go around doing academic decathlons Exactly I don't do whatever I'm good at out in public Whatever that is

Ponytails You save those for the privacy of your own home You do those in your ponytail tent That I erect in my backyard Sure Do you have any other thoughts? Dogs, sometimes they're mean, don't pet them do those in your ponytail tent. Yeah. That I erect in my backyard. Sure. Do you have any other thoughts? So,

dogs, sometimes they're mean. Don't pet them. Dogs, sometimes they're mean. I say feel compassion for people who are like, you can't touch my dog because that person is dealing with the living hell that no one can understand. Not that the dogs are mean. It's just other people wanting to pet your dog because they're like, oh, he's got guyliner or whatever

they, you know. My dog has guyliner. Is he in My Chemical Romance? All black males. Oh, wow. Sure. Yeah. Adam, he and Adam Lambert hang out all the time.

Thank you. Wait, what was the other? You guys talked about animals, possums, abortions. Thoughts on those? Hello! That's all I had. I feel like I had so much to say, but now I... Well, hey, I think what we really need you here for is to help us preside over some momentous occasions.

Yes. So these are momentous occasions given to us by our studio audience. Yeah where's Masha? Come on up. Round of applause for Masha. Masha, Masha, Masha. That's never been done. Cool, first time. If you sing it, it makes it true. On momentous occasions, we ask people in our audience to share with us when something remarkable

has happened to us. Hi, Masha, how are you? I'm great. So, Masha, what's your momentous occasion? Okay, so I want to tell the story about how an old episode of Jordan and Jesse Go totally helped me through a really tough time recently. So this was... You're like, I need 40 masturbation jokes. That wasn't it.

Oh, here's some. I kept laughing in church, and I needed something to make me feel bored. Okay, so what were you talking about? Okay, you heard an episode. Okay, so this was an episode from six years ago. It was with the guys from Yeah Dude. And this was where... Oh, yes, the one where all the fans of Yeah Dude sent us those mean emails.

Sorry to bring back a bad memory. The guys from Yeah Dude were super nice and cool, by the way. I had no problem. And so this was where apparently Jesse had recently had a sad time, and he was suggesting his sort of life hack of whipping out a power jam with his mind. And everyone just made fun of him because that's basically just thinking about music. Like, in my mind. Like, if I'm having a hard time, in my mind, I play like a badass.

More than I'm feeling. Yeah. Exactly. I know you. In my case, it's You Dropped a Bomb on Me by the Gap Band. Actually, you know what? Early in the morning by the Gap Band lately. Go figure.

Turns out it changes sometimes. And so this coincided with a time when, so it was my birthday a few weeks ago, and right before and after I had a bunch of grad school obligations, it was just really crazy, and I was really stressed out. And I totally used this idea, you know, that Jesse suggested, and got really into music, and started kind of dancing while doing lab work and stuff like that. Although I did generally put on music as opposed to just thinking about it. That's cool.

That's a better option. Better option, yeah. The only thing is sometimes that can be super powerful. Like you gotta be careful about context. Like the other day, I'm to give you an example here uh because sometimes your power jam could sneak up on you so like the other day i'm in uh uh you know the waiting line to get a cheeseburger at the in-and-out burger and i'm listening to the radio and it's just whatever it's drake or something you know it's like just giving me gentle ennui and then the throwback sound comes on

and they play hip hop by Dead Prez like the bass line comes on I got so fucking pumped but there was nowhere to go there was nowhere to drive my car it was a very dangerous situation so that's why you have to be careful. There's still more to my story. And so while generally I was listening to music in order to pump myself up, I did.

Well, one thing about music, when it hits you, feel no pain. One of the folks said, control your brain. That's game. Mine's Uptown Funk. That's mine. Cool. That's a good choice. And then about a week ago. That's mine. Cool. That's a good choice. And then about a week ago...

That's basically an average of every Gap Band song. We have a few Lakeside songs thrown in, yeah. So last weekend, I was actually in a moment where I was totally unable to put on music, but I had a tough moment, you know, could have potentially gotten upset. But then I solved it by whipping out a power jam with my mind, and I totally got through the moment, and thank you so much. Congratulations. Can I give you a hug? Yes, of course.

While you're hugging, I bought a Willie Nelson record. Okay, how's that been going so far? Well, okay, so it has Native Son on it. You know that song. Good morning, America, how are you? Okay, you know. Guess what else it has on it that I didn't know. His cover of Like a Virgin.

You're so close. Do you know what it is? No, I don't. I was going to say, Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. That's an older record. Apparently, Willie Nelson wrote Wind Beneath My Wings. Okay.

And sings it like a person who is too high to be singing it. And I was getting ready, and I was like, What world am I in right now? You are the wind beneath my home. Yeah, and then you could hear him eating chips. You could hear the Family Guy theme in the background. Bing bong, pizza's here. You know how sometimes you wonder

how Willie Nelson could cross all those state lines and get on all those airplanes and all that shit and be that high all the time. I do all the time because he was, you know, he was the king of it in the 80s. He was famous for being high on all the time and just chain smoking and all that shit. I was at LAX a few months ago and I was in line behind Willie Nelson. What? At the security screening.

And were you okay? Did you freak out? You don't love Willie Nelson like I love Willie Nelson. No, I don't love Willie Nelson at the security screening. Were you okay? Did you freak out? You don't love Willie Nelson like I love Willie Nelson. No, I don't love Willie Nelson. I'm more of a George Jones man. I like the possum. Got it. But he's tiny.

Also, he is the least impressive physical presence. He wears braids. He's like a three-foot-tall foot tall, 42 pound braided elderly person. But he was very polite. But like what I realized that the secret to bringing drugs wherever you want, no matter what, is being Willie Nelson. Because every single one of those fucking TSA people was in tears with excitement, but trying not to show it. He literally could have had a machine gun that shoots heroin. Nobody would have given it to him.

That's how OJ got off. Having those long braids. Those long, luxurious braids. Sing songs about being a semi-truck driver. Looks like we got one from Dimitri. Dimitri, come on up Dimitri. Hey, Dimitri.

By the way, we got ten more donors. We're up to 8736. Whoa. What's that moment? It's going to be upsetting if we don't get to 10,000. Yeah, well, I mean, prepare for upset. I can't do this all night.

There's only one more momentous occasion. Well, after actually probably mentioning a few podcasts, I recently... Now, Dimitri, you and your, at the time, boyfriend were on an episode of Judge John Hodgman. This is true. That was about holding hands or sitting across from each other or next to each other in restaurants, right? That was correct. The subject matter within that was the fact that Landon did not appreciate holding hands in public, which was, yeah, there was a topic within that.

Thank you, because I do not listen to the program no it's don't care for it well it's better when that other totally beverages well it's much easier to listen to it when it's like money don't money from whatever the rivers on it yeah so much better you know what I do like to listen to it when it's like Monty Del Monte from whatever the river is on it. So much better. You know what? I do like to listen to it when I'm trying to go to sleep. So you're basically a podcast celebrity at this point. And then later we were on

an episode of My Brother and My Brother and me asking how we should propose. Getting braggy now. Because we hated—neither one of us wanted to propose to each other. Okay. And then since then we have since done that, one of us proposed to one another. You just said it at the same time. You're like, one, two, three. You're gonna marry me! You're gonna marry me! Jinx, you owe me a marriage! We went back and forth proposing to each other. No, you're going to marry me.

No, you're going to marry me. Basically correct. I love it. And then shortly thereafter, we went to the backyard of a federal judge and made her marry us. Okay. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Congratulations. of a federal judge and made her marry us. Okay. Oh wow, congratulations!

Wow! So you hopped over her wall, purge style, dragged her from her home, put on your clown mask. Right, it was the easiest way for her to get rid of us. Okay, congratulations. Thank you. Dimitri, ladies and gentlemen. Woo!

And just like we got Bill B. Where's Bill B? He's coming up. The B is short for Baggins, and Bill is short for Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins, everybody.

That's very clever. I've never heard that. You know what Fuck you This is my show You want me to bring the fire I'll bring the fire Dragon Lady I'm usually a nice man But I'm tired

And I have a headache Listen we're all lionesses Oh she's a lioness We're up to 8744 by the way Maximumfun.org I really like following The life affirming story About the show and the guy

Who got married, beautiful story With my killing an animal in my backyard Alright, yeah, yum yum Let's hear it Possum, possum, possum Die possums So My wife and my kids were up at their mother's and I was alone at home with my dog. And, you know, if you have dogs, as you know, you put them out just before you go to bed and the dog was going crazy.

Yeah, it was 1955. They go sleep in their dog house. Well, no, you let them back in. To go pee-pee-boo-boo. Yeah, exactly. Pee-pee-boo-boo. And the dog's going crazy. So, you know, of course you're going to let the dog out.

And he makes a beeline for his dog dish. And there's this enormous ruckus erupts. And the worst smell in the world just starts wafting into my kitchen. And I flip on the backyard light. Did your dog run into an Arby's? Sure enough, ran into an Arby's. And sure enough, did your dog get a tattoo? Sure enough, he killed a skunk, of course.

Wow. And so there's this... Was there blood all over his face? The insides. Normally the insides of the skunk were outside of the skunk. Oh my. And so. And we're not just talking about that stink.

No. It was pretty bad. We're talking about dim guts though. Dim guts stinks. Dim guts though. Would you say that your dog got all up in them guts? I would say that yes. That's precisely so.

Uh huh. And well and the dog you know having just been sprayed by a skunk. dog got all up in them guts? I would say that yes, that's precisely so. Well, and the dog, you know, having just been sprayed by a skunk, the dog was going bananas and rubbing its face on the lawn and all that. Sure. Did you put ketchup on it? There's this... Wait, is that the secret? Yeah, you put ketchup on it. Ketchup or Arby's

horsey sauce. It depends on whether you're in Chicago. If you put a ketchup on a dog in Chicago... They're going to put it right on a bun. So we... So I... There's this dead skunk right outside my back door, like two feet from my back door,

and it smells terrible. And so I go and I figure, well, I'm not just going to pick that up with my hands. I'm going to go get a shovel to move it so I don't have to touch it. So I go get a shovel and I start to scoop up the inside out skunk, and it's not dead yet. Oh, no! Was it a zombie? Or a vampire?

It was what we call perimortem. It was right on the edge. You and the skunk were in community. Exactly. And so... Harry! Harry! I have many dreams.

I'm in Grinch school! No, that is not how skunks talk. Oh, sorry. It was like this. I can't see the light. I'm in grad school. I'm in grad school. I like that the skunk was in grad school.

I was trying to think of somebody changing directions. Like, I finally got it figured out. I quit my job. I was going to open up that cupcake store. Off to do many harassments for the entertainment of children. Someone accidentally panted a cat. I'm a product of my time. We're all problematic now.

Those days were all in the past for this skunk. What did you do? You finished the job? Well, you had to. You had to. The insights. And so I'm in the backyard in my pajamas in the middle of the night beating a skunk to death with a shovel. That's my great upbringing.

Wait, hold on, Bill. Hold on. Have you developed a taste for blood? It wasn't the last thing I killed. Guilty! Have you ever had to kill something? I've never had to kill something. Yeah, I think we talked about it on Jordan, Jesse go once a bird.

Yeah. It was almost dead. Was it getting eaten by ants? And I had to hack its head off with a shovel. Yeah. I had to crush some pussy. Thank you.