Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 424: The Hammer Principle with Ron Funches

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Jordan and Jesse start the show with a discussion of what makes a good elementary school, Jesse's homework related trauma, and a kid named Pirate.  Then comedian and actor Ron Funches joins in to talk about Jordan's strategy to approach an attractive Scientologist, the status of WWE these days, and Fred Durst's online dating profile.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful evening at Max Fun World Headquarters. The sun dipping below the horizon, causing its classic burst of color. Love that classic sun energy. Spoken like a true plant, Jordan.

I gotta say, I'm sad when it goes away, because then I don't get no more food. You meant a plant that grows out of the ground, right, and not my gun. Photosyntho, what? Yeah. You meant a plant that grows out of the ground, right? Photosyntho-what? Yeah. When Bay says your chlorophyll creates nutrients. That works without a photo, right? Yeah.

I think that works. You don't need the image macro. You're a human image macro. This is my new character, Black Twitter Plant. It's a plant with all of the hilarious memes from Black Twitter. It's just a plant that gets super excited when Bebe's Kids comes on BET. Yeah. Well, welcome to Jordan, Jesse. Go show about.

Let's be honest, not that much I went to an elementary school tour today I feel blessed, Jordan I'll tell you why Sure In the Los Angeles Unified School District, there's about four passable elementary schools And I happen to live in the zone for one of them. Location, location, location?

You got it. Okay. Location, location, elementary school. It's in Mount Washington. Sure. It's named after Civil War General Thaddeus Location. They name a lot of schools in Southern California after Civil War generals. It's named after the legendary fraternal triplets.

Thaddeus Location, Phineas Location. And Doug Location. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So two important things. So when you say that there are unacceptable elementary schools, are these in bad neighborhoods? Have these fallen into disrepair? Are they – what's the – what makes an elementary school –

Keep going. Keep going. Yes. More things. Yes. I don't know. I mean I like – I have a very unusual educational history myself. Sure.

Like I went to private school and elementary school and middle school. I mean I was like definitely the scholarship kid. But I was in private school and my elementary school was not a particularly fancy private school. It was sort of a low end private school but nice enough. And that took place in a safe way. Like a decommissioned safe way. And then I went to this middle school that was like absurdly fancy. And then I went to public high school, but it was an arts high school.

So like it was a disaster area in, I was going to say many ways, but innumerable ways. But it was like fun. Yeah. You know, like there was a lot of really talented people and stuff. So it was cool. Sure. You know, the LAUSD is just a disaster. It's like this.

It's one of the largest school districts in the country. And it's pretty underfunded. Okay. Almost all public schools in California are, but especially urban ones. And, yeah, like most of the schools are pretty fucked. And I don't, but the flip side of that is here in Los Angeles, private school costs $40,000 a year, which is amazing. You could just send your kid to college and they would feed them in college. Yeah, right.

But so that's off the table. Okay. They would feed them in college. Yeah, right. So that's off the table. Okay. And I don't know. My wife partly went to Catholic school.

Some of her family is Catholic. But I'm not Catholic. So I don't really want to send my kid to Catholic school. Sure. Would the Catholic school be inexpensive? It's expensive, but inexpensive relative to like a Waldorf school. Sure, sure. You know, like those literally cost $40,000 a kid a year.

And then Catholic school. By the way, we'll have a guest in the next segment of the program. Sure. But Catholic school. A series of representative from the Catholic Archdiocese, the Waldorf School, and a public school janitor. So you're to rebut all of these things that you're saying. Like we got invited. I'll give you an example.

Equal time. Equal time. We got a thing in the mail that said, come to the open house of the South Pasadena or Pasadena something. You know, one of these places that's near my house. Sure. Friend School. It was Sure. Friends school. It was a Quaker school.

And while I would be maybe a little uncomfortable sending my kids to Catholic school, like a friend school sounds pretty neat. I know people that have gone to friend schools and it's meant a lot to them. And Teresa and I had this conversation, should we go to this open house? You know, it might be really cool. Might get some oats out of the deal. Exactly. Because of the Quakers.

What we figured out was. If you didn't understand that remark, get at me on Twitter and I will send you a diagram. Great. Image macro? Oh, this will be a PDF. Okay, got it. So the final decision on that friend school was we should definitely not go there because then we'll just think that we should send our kids there. Okay.

Like we don't want to know about what our children are missing out on. Okay. What are the – so what is the – so how strong would the religious component of Quaker friend school be? Not that strong. Sure. Yeah. I mean like moral component, but not that strong. Okay.

I don't think they have to go to like catechism. I think you do in Catholic school usually. So anyway. This would just be, now I might be conflating lots of sects of Christianity. Yeah. But this would be. The shakers, they make the baskets. Yeah, I was going to say, they will be making practical furniture and not having sex, right?

Yeah, exactly. And going into fits? Yeah, ecstatic fits. Yeah, so there's like a, you know, instead of P.E., you just change into like shorts and a T-shirt. It's got your name written on it in Sharpie, and you just have fits for 45 minutes. Right, and they would poison people on the Tokyo subway. Sorry, that one is Aum Shinrikyo. Oh, okay. Sorry, the death is Aum Shinrikyo. Oh, okay.

Sorry. The death cult Aum Shinrikyo. So let me ask you this. At what age do the kids start handling the snakes? Is that right away? So they raise their own snakes. That's one of the really nice things about- That's great.

So it's like a local, sustainable thing. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. No GMOs. Exactly. They're GM GMOs. Exactly. They're GMO-free snakes that the kids are handling. They are working on

M-ing the snakes. They're trying to make super snakes, basically. Boy, that does not sound like a good idea. Yeah. I mean, listen, I don't know anything about, you know, genetics or herpetology, but when you say super snake, I have this gut reaction to it. Which is sort of like a Van Halen guitar solo, right?

Sure, yeah. Yeah, it just kind of hits you where you live. They would be immune to ensnakedicides. Oh, boy, that would be. That's chemicals designed to kill snakes. Yeah, yeah, I know what ensnakedicides are. Okay. I know what an ensn decides are. Okay. I know what an in snake decide is.

Okay. But again, I know, like I had to explain my, you know, labyrinthine Quaker Oats joke. I get it,

that you are, you know, you have to, you know, perform to the balcony sometimes. Right. So,

the difference is, to answer your question, so at this school that I toured, my local elementary school, the class size is still 24 kindergartners, which is pretty rough. Yeah. You know, all of my schools, I was one of 30 to 40 kids. Really?

Even in like elementary school? Totally. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was definitely like that when I was in high school. But I was like, yeah, well, I mean, it's definitely like that when I was in high school. But I kind of, I was like, yeah, well,

I mean, it's sort of different when it's 15-year-olds. Sure, sure. Like, a kindergartner could be dying and not know to tell you. Right.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, they're always putting stuff in their mouths. Yeah, exactly. But it's like, it's pretty, it seemed,

and they have homework. Mm-hmm. The fucking, homework starts at kindergarten now. Like that is just taken as a given. My kid has homework in preschool. What's that homework? It's bullshit.

It's nothing. Yeah. It's nothing. But like. Like a baby could do it? I have so much homework resentment. Well, maybe like a preschooler. Yeah.

I have so much homework resentment. Maybe like a preschooler. Yeah. I have so much homework resentment that just like hearing the word homework or looking at homework just makes me like start to shake. Like that's how deep

my homework related traumas go. You know, in second grade we had a class bunny. Uh-huh. His name was Homework. Really?

So then, when it was your weekend a month to take the bunny home, this is the first time We had a class bunny. Uh-huh. His name was Homework. Really? So then... So that really... When it was your weekend a month to take the bunny home... Yeah. This is the first time the kid's excited to bring home homework. Right. I got it. If you want an explanation for that joke, get at me on Twitter and I'll send you a PDF.

Okay. So... Jesse, it was the one time a year when the kid's excited to bring home homework. Yeah, but why would the kid be excited? I guess I don't understand because why would the kid be excited to bring home homework? I mean, nobody likes doing homework. Jesse. Yeah.

Homework was the name of the bunny. So this was the one time of year that the kid was excited to bring home homework. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I didn't like math. I didn't like writing. I guess in this, there's two kinds of homework. So we had actual homework, which is worksheets. So you have worksheets and you got two main kinds.

You got the kind where the answer's in the back of the book. It's like math problems, that kind of thing. And then you have more interpretive stuff, right? Like writing essays, compare and contrast, that sort of thing. Then there's also a buddy that bit me midway through the year and then I was scared to bring him home. Yeah, so you hated homework

just like everyone else. Hmm. You know, if you're listening out there, homework the bunny, fuck you for biting me midway through the year.

We got into way more conversation than I expected. I really was just going to share two anecdotes from this. Yeah, yeah, sorry. I mean, we can talk about schooling some more when our guest Ron Funches gets here.

I would love that. But I have two things that I wanted to mention. So no friend school. No friend school. Didn't even go to it. We didn't go to it because we knew that we didn't have $40,000. Oh, the friend school is also $40,000. Oh, yeah.

Okay. All private schools are $40,000, although a Catholic school is more like $20,000 or something. Okay. Because the Pope pays for part of it. Oh, that's nice of him. He's a liberation theologian, Jordan. What a cool Pope. Yeah.

So the two main things that happened, we saw some history projects on the wall. They were about the Great Depression. I'm not going to say that a third of them were about hobos because it's probably more like 40%. And one of them said, one of them had a section.

You know, they were those kind of poster board deals. One of them had a section that said foods they ate. And it listed some hobo foods like ketchup sandwiches and crab apples. Yeah. And then at the end of it, it was just a paragraph that was mostly a list with commas, you know. And at the end, it just said, these are real foods they ate. I am not making any of this up.

I am not fucking with you. I know it seems like I'm full of shit. Are you worried that this school has an agenda? And that agenda is leading children Pied Piper-like into the hobo lifestyle? Because I can see how that would seem really glamorous to a kid. I mean, ketchup sandwich? Yeah, that's pretty much all they want to eat. I mean, right now, I wouldn't have a ketchup sandwich because I'm a foodie.

As long as you cut the crusts off. Yeah, sure. My kids are in. Yeah. Anyway, are you worried about that, that your kids will take to the rails, start manufacturing shivs? Here's the thing. Please.

I don't mind if they become hobos as long as they don't become bums. Sure. They got to work for a living. Yeah. They can drink as much strawberry wine as they want to. Sure. But I think that is kind of implicit in hobodom. Right.

Is that you are, you know, you're- Hobos work and bums don't. Sure. So as long as they're a hobo, they can ride the rails to their heart's content. Okay. As long as they're painting a fence. Yeah. Or, you know, seeding the chickens my best or fucking the farmer's wife my best friend

uh my best friend rode the rails for a while oh yeah when we were like 18 ish okay 17 18 19 so he would get go down to the train yard, jump on a train, and then go somewhere? Yeah, just go to Fresno. I don't know. Yeah, it was weird. That is weird. He had a lot of shit to work out. Sure.

Well, yeah. I don't know. I don't know that things are going great and you just decide to start rail riding. Even if it is a modest trip like San Francisco to Fresno probably is not. Yeah. You know. That's a couple of days, right? Yeah, probably a day, yeah.

Yeah. It's just sort of a fun day trip. Yeah, it's something like a month. I mean, that's like going to Santa Barbara for the weekend. The thing about riding the rails is so many people get cut in half by a train. Yeah, and I bet it's one of those things where. That is like a major concern slash issue. And it's probably one of the things where they don't find your body for a while.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So, I mean, that's where my kids had it. So that was thing number one. So, yeah. It was a nice, I'll be honest, it was a nice school. Okay. Got a little organic garden.

Oh, that's lovely. A very active PTA. Sure. Nonprofit, Friends of Mount Washington. Hey, there you go. Hey, there you go. So the other thing is probably the most important thing, which is there was a board that had like a Who I Am project in one of the classrooms for each kid. You know, like, oh, my mom's name, my mom is this, I have a dog, whatever.

Sure. And one of the kids' name, you know, most of these kids have pretty normal names, you know? Sure. I'm not, you know, I don't want to be stereotypical about your hipster parents in northeast Los Angeles. Sure, sure. You know, a lot of them were just named Clara or whatever. Yeah, sure. I bet that, you know, that stereotype is overstated. Probably it would, you know, give an outsider the impression that every, impression that every kid under six is named Trigger or something.

Yeah. However. Yeah, this one kid was called Pirate. Oof. Wow. You think that was his actual name or like some sort of you get to pick your own name thing? Like he had a milk name, which was Charles. Yeah, yeah.

By when he turned five, he got to pick his own name. Because that seems so- He originally wanted to be called Playmobile. Right. Num Nums. Pirate, huh? Pirate. Do you think-

Real life kid named Pirate. Do you suspect that is his given name, or do you think it is some other kind of self-created name? It's almost six of one, half dozen of the other, isn't it? Yeah, sure. I mean who's the bigger Yehu? The people who give their child the actual name pirate

or the people who give their child such an absolute right to self-naming. Sure. That they allow the pirate. I mean, it's like, I don't know. It's like a dog's going to name itself Kibble. It's just whatever they care about the most.

They don't have much mental capacity. No, I will say. My dog named herself Kibble. I will say that I was a pretty grounded kid. My other dog named himself Go on a Murder Spree, Jesse. Don't listen to him. You were pretty grounded. I was a pretty grounded kid.

That's true. I believe that. I had good boundaries, I think. I think there was a while in third grade where I would sign all my homework, the Punisher. The Punisher. How did you even know about the Punisher in third grade? I guess I was 10. I guess you have comics when you're 10, right?

You're eight in third grade. How old are you in fourth grade? I guess it's 10. Nine and 10. This might have been fourth grade somewhere between third and fifth grade i did sign papers the punisher 10 even seems young sure to know about right the most murderous of superheroes 90s punisher yeah the most murderous of superheroes at the peak of superheroes demonstrating that they were for grownups by just being about brutal murders all the time. Maybe I was about to kind of defend the parents in that situation of like, okay, well, you know, kids just do weird stuff. You don't necessarily know what's going on.

But maybe my parents' mistake was introducing me to the Punisher at such a young age. Did your parents introduce you to the Punisher? You know what I think? Did they think they were renting VeggieTales? They just rented me the Dolph Lundgren Punisher? You know what I think it was? Yeah. If I'm remembering my childhood comic book collection.

They meant to get you the Predator. Right, exactly. One of the more wholesome. Yeah. The more wholesome of the sport killers. Right. Exactly. One of the more wholesome. Yeah. The more wholesome of the sport killers. Yeah. I guess Punisher kills for revenge. Predator kills for sport.

Right. Don't get at me on Twitter. Just get at me if you want a PDF of that Quaker Oats joke. I think what happened is- Get at me if you want to talk about Gymkata. Gymnastics kills. Karate kills. I think Spider-Man met the Punisher a lot.

So I think when I would get a Spider-Man comic, it would include an appearance by the Punisher that maybe you wouldn't necessarily know from looking at the cover. No, that makes sense to me. And I think because he was in a Spider-Man comic, he probably was not as murderous as he was in a Punisher comic by Frank Miller or whoever. Yeah. I mean, I don't think I bought any superhero comics past about 11 maybe. And I definitely remember the Punisher pretty vividly. So I must have been in the same boat. Yeah.

I'm not just blaming your parents here. No, no. I mean, you know, and obviously Thad and Gale are, you know, they're human. Yeah. They have foibles. Yeah. I think I turned out okay. You turned out great, Jordan.

And they are both- Jordan, I really think you turned out well. Thanks, buddy. You're welcome. But I'm just saying that some- I wouldn't necessarily put this on, you know, hipster parents, but maybe. You know our friend Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather? Mm-hmm. Occasional guest on this program.

Sure. It's probably been three years since he's been on. Yeah. Sorry to people who haven't been listening for the last 10 years. You know, Jim spent the first three months of kindergarten talking like a robot. We had a kid who I think of often. Yes. In elementary school.

Named Frank Bot. Named Frank Bot. No, okay, this is junior high. This is junior high. Uh elementary school. Named Frank Bot. Named Frank Bot. No, okay, this is junior high. This is junior high. Uh-huh. Because I remember talking to him after I was made to do that thing where you take a deep breath and then someone grabs you and you pass out. Do you remember that? No.

This was a thing. You know, a pass out game. When you went to, where did you go to high school? Guantanamo? Yes. Guantanamo? Yes. Guantanamo School for Gifted Youth. Is that Jello Biafra's band? Anyway.

Yeah, sure. There was this thing where you, where, this is a thing that a bully would do to you. Like who's fucking with you. Yeah. He's like, hey, I know this great thing. I remember this huge guy doing this to me. It's like, this guy would not been a guy who talked to me but i was impressed because he was talking to me right it's like oh great this guy this huge this overdeveloped boy is talking to me vicente sure it wasn't my school um it's huge vicente was so big yeah yeah he's like you do

this thing you take a deep breath i will grab you from behind and you'll pass out. It's hilarious. So I just did it. And I remember waking up because I got beamed in the head with a dodgeball. Like that's what brought me out. That's what brought me out of the pass out. It was just getting drilled in the head with a dodgeball. Wow.

Anyway, so I'm remembering this locker room where this is all taking place. Uh-huh. And there was a kid who, for the entirety of junior high, talked like Beavis and Butthead. And did a fucking great impression, if I'm remembering it correctly. Uh-huh. And just always would talk like, when he was called on, he would talk like Beavis and Butthead. Uh-huh. And just kept up that facade. I remember it as being total.

Was that kid's name Mike Judge? Yes, exactly. Like, this will be really popular someday. Yeah. People don't do Beavis and Butthead impressions anymore. I know. It's probably for the best. Yeah.

But I wonder what this kid's glitch was. Like, I think about him a lot. I wonder probably for the best. Yeah. But I wonder what this kid's glitch was. Like, I think about him a lot. I wonder where he is now, when he stopped, why he was doing it. I had a friend named Brendan Goetzel who always liked to talk about Jeff Galooly. Jeff Galooly. That was the guy who was involved in the... Maybe he was the Tonya Harding's boyfriend. So this kid was... How old was the kid when he wanted to talk about Jeff Galooly?

Letterman would go, Galooly. Yeah. No, you know what, Letterman, I do feel like I know some news stories and some public figures because Letterman would just make fun of them. And James Traficant, I remember, because Letterman would always make fun of them. And like James Traficant. I remember because just like Letterman would always make fun of him. Like, oh, that's a funny man from the news. Yeah. James Traficant.

Anyway. Hey, Beavis and Butt-Egg Kid, if you're out there. If I bought Montana, would David Letterman be friends with me? If you bought Montana? Yeah, how much could it possibly cost? Less than a year of private school probably. Why do you think it's an in to being friends with David Letterman be friends with me? If you bought Montana? Yeah, how much could it possibly cost? Less than a year of private school probably. Why do you think that's an in to being friends with David Letterman? Isn't that where he lives?

He lives in Indiana. No, he's from Indiana. He doesn't live there. He lives in Montana. Does he? Yeah. Well, I mean, if you bought Montana, it's at least a good conversation starter. Right.

Hi, Dave. I own all of this. Look around you. This is all mine. Everything you see. Can you buy a state? What's the legality of that? Yeah. Jefferson bought Louisiana. Well, so this will be known as the Montana purchase. Yeah. When kids are studying about it. Yeah. Like in 2000, I don't know how long it'll take you to the money. Let's say 2020. Let's play, do this conservative. You'll raise the money from it. So it's, I don't know how long it'll take you to raise the money. Let's say 2020. Let's do this conservative. You'll raise the money.

So say in 2020, a self-made man, Jesse Thorne. Yeah, known the world over as one of the world's most moderately successful podcasters. He raised the money to buy Montana from the Native Americans To impress David Letterman. No, from the French. Oh, okay. Yeah. The French. Is there a guy named French Montana? Who's that? That's someone, right? That is. That is. I got it. Who is that? French Montana. Brian, would you look up who French Montana is? French Montana. You know what? I probably, I don't think French Montana probably. I don't, I don't think that. Can we have more information, please? I don't think French Montana probably. I don't think that. Can we have more information, please? I don't think that he owns Montana.

I think if anyone owns Montana, it's Mac Miller. I think Mac Miller probably owns Montana. You think he would put it in his name? Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, French Montana, hip-hop socialite. Hip-hop socialite. Yeah, French Montana, hip-hop socialite. Hip-hop socialite.

Exactly, French Montana, hip-hop socialite. Are you sure you want to buy Montana and not just be a hip-hop socialite? That sounds like a nicer life to me. Which one of those? And probably a good end to being friends with David Letterman. Well, who do you think David Letterman's hanging out with? Lil Weezy? I think probably hip-hop socialites, like the guy who carried Diddy's umbrella.

You know what? You're talking about Farnsworth Bentley? That's the one. You know what they would call if Lil Wayne bought Montana? The Lil Weeziana purchase? That is pretty good. Thank you. That is pretty good.

Okay, this has all been very stupid. We'll be back with Ron Funches in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. Carrie, close your eyes. Okay. In the future, when I utter the word canceled, everything which I have said to you while you are in a therapy session will have no force with you. Let's go to the earliest moment of pain or discomfort. No, Ross, I don't think I want to do Scientology auditing. I understand.

The only way is through. I don't really like Scientology, Ross. That's too bad because we have a show called Oh No Ross and Carrie. If people are going to learn all about Scientology, I'm afraid you're going to have to go through the auditing process. Is it going to be just like this? Yep, for like five hours at a time. Why did we start making a show? We're masochists. Oh, okay.

Canceled. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Joining us, direct from show business, television star, stand-up comedian, bearded charmer, Ron Funches. How are you, sir? Oh, I'm glad people started leading with other things besides bearded charmer. That used to be all I had.

I know you don't want to be pigeonholed. It's just a bearded charmer. No, a lot of things, but I love that. Thank you from one to another. You know, Jordan, we protect our own. Yeah. Do not fuck with us. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Are you going to kill me to prove something? Yeah. How charming we are. You can do about it, baby face. Now, if I had not shaved this morning and had a more robust stubble, would you guys be murdering me? You have a moderately robust stubble. Are you a fast grower? I am.

Yeah, because, I mean, you've got a little something going. Also a shower. Fast grower, slow shower. And also, I eat pussy. Ladies. Wait a minute. When you say fast grower, slow shower, is it some kind of optical illusion? Like one of those magic eye posters.

It gets hard fast, but there's not much to see. It is hard immediately. And we'll get slightly longer over time. Got it. And also, now you're pussy. That's gross. Quick question. Yeah.

How do you feel about pussy eating? Do you do that? Yeah. Okay, great. That's covered. How are you feel about pussy eating? Do you do that? Yeah. Okay, great. That's covered. How are you, Ron Funches? I'm doing good. I'm doing okay.

I'm a little frazzled. Sorry I was late. My ex-wife was visiting, and I didn't want to leave her alone in my house. So I had to wait until my nanny arrived. What do you think she might have got up to? I mean, that's the real question. I don't know. Your mind starts to wander.

Yeah. You know? It all turns into a bunch of Bugs Bunny type situations that could happen when I return. Were you expecting some packages from the Acme Manufacturing Company? Is that what you're saying? It's quite possible. Maybe you would try and enter a door in your home. Right. I like it so far. And you're try and enter a door in your home. Right.

I like it so far. And you're like, I can... This is normal. This is normal. Of course. And you're like, you know, I need to... I have a go-go showbiz lifestyle. I'm going to run through this door. Yeah. And you hit the wall only to find that it's been painted on. Yeah. Oh, ex-wives, man. It's happened

before. Women. Yeah. You know, there is nothing like a jilted woman when it comes to just incredible trompe l'oeil craftsmanship. Trompe l'oeil. It's nice of you. I guess I'm flattered that you hired a sitter to come to this. Yeah. I mean, of course, I have to do that when I have to do a lot of things normally. You know, he's just here with me, so that's mostly how I have to do that when I have to do a lot of things normally. You know, he's just here with me.

So that's mostly how I have to do everything. Does he behave for the sitter? Yeah, he likes her a lot. They're good buddies. He likes her. And it makes things easier. Or I couldn't go out and do anything, really. Sure.

And it also just makes me more selective about what I do do. So you guys should feel lucky. No, I like you guys. I like you guys so much. I'm happy to be here. There's that bearded charm. We're sitter worthy, Jordan. We'll see how you feel at the end of the program.

This wasn't worth 20 bucks and a popsicle. Yeah, you know what I'm giving out. Flavor rights. You can't have the blues. You can take any orange or red flavor right. Yeah, no blues. That's a lot of times how they'll raise money for a museum or whatever. They can't actually sell the real estate because they've got to keep the art in there,

but they can sell the flavor rights. The Chinese are buying a lot of flavor rights. Sure. They've got money they're trying to offshore. And then the movie rights as well. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Flavor rights and movie rights, those are fun. There's a song there. Yeah. There's a song there.

Yeah. There's a song there. Yeah. I mean, I can't do all the work for you guys. No. I feel like I started it. We can add this. We can add the rest of it. Well, we're having Eric Clapton on next week.

He'll lay down a sick lick. Yeah. Oh, man. Clapton. Yeah. Bring Clapton in here. Here's a fun topic that maybe you guys will have an opinion on. Jordan, I would love to hear about this.

This is perfect. We're actually doing a podcast right now. Oh, well, this is great. Okay. And this is, you know what's great about this? What's that? It's a topic that I'll bring up with my voice. Really?

And you guys can respond with your voices. Because normally we do it with charades, which is what I call charades. Can I do it with a stern look? Yeah, please make me feel very judged while I'm talking. Ron's known as the man of a thousand faces. One voice, a thousand faces. That's it. Yeah.

Man, that's a good biography. He's got a thousand faces, just the one voice. Yeah, and each page is just a picture of my face. There's no words in the biography. This is giant. This is a thick book. The last page is just me dead. I was, something that I like to do when we have a little late start day at work

Is to have a little breakfast With Blaine You guys know Blaine from work The great Blaine Capac From work What kind of breakfast are we talking about? We got a square one dining That's a great place to go

I saw Common there once It's a brunch place that's a real scene on the weekends But if you can go on a nice weekday, chill. You might see Common there having a bowl of oatmeal. I saw the guy from the Circle Jerks there. Yeah. So we basically both know exactly where to go for star spotting in Hollywood. And it is right across the street from one of the Scientology strongholds.

A gargantuan blue one specifically. Yeah, from one of the Scientology strongholds. A gargantuan blue one, specifically. Yeah, the color of the sky. I'm surprised planes don't crash into it. It is a terrifying edifice. And so we get there around the time that they start their day. Oh, really? So there's a lot of hubbub around the stronghold, around the time that we start eating. So there's a lot of hubbub around the stronghold, around the time that we start eating.

When you say that, you mean that they're sort of milling around across the street going rutabaga, rutabaga, rutabaga. Right. They're all extras in a movie that L. Ron Hubbard is constantly shooting from space. Yeah. Funny side note. I saw a Scientologist man riding his bike. Yeah. And he was wearing a track suit a zip up track suit and on the breast it said Dianetics

I like it rep it hard rep your team I feel like all religions should do that write the bible everyone should have different jerseys or just wear different things that they believe in makes it more fun.

It does. And lets everybody know where you're at. What team you're on. You can high-five people more often. What type of jersey do you think? You thinking basketball jersey, football jersey? I mean, I felt like basketball jersey when I had it in the knick and hand. That's because you want to show off your guns.

Oh, thank you for noticing. You're welcome. You're welcome, Ronald. Is it Ronald or Ronaldo? Whatever you prefer. Cool. I'll take it. This guy, this was a, I should say this was a, not a jumpsuit or a jersey, this was a

tracksuit. Right. Like he was going to breakdance. Yeah, maybe the pants are tearaway. Now I like this, where everybody just does break dance competitions. Yeah, I mean, I like that. I think you probably have to get a little more aggressive with the Scientology sales pitch. I guess you could be out there on Hollywood Boulevard and you go up to some tourists and you say like, oh, hi, would you like a free stress test? No, thank you. You're like, what about now?

Tearaway pants come off fucking popping and locking starts I'm gonna take that stress test I have a question please

is it possible that this was common might have been common this was I've seen that guy bust a windmill sure yeah

could be I mean he was near that breakfast place you saw him that once that's one good thing I'll tell you this one good thing about old old rappers you this one good thing about old rappers. You got a 50-50 chance that they know how to bust a windmill.

Devin the Dude also. That guy will bust a windmill. So you're saying the young guys today do not know how to do that. There was a time when in order to be taken seriously, you had to be able to bust a windmill. Had to dance. That was the hammer principle. The hammer principle. You had to be able to bust a windmill. You had to dance. That was the hammer principle. The hammer principle. You had to be able to do some floor work.

That is actually in one of L. Ron Hubbard's books. It's the hammer principle. I love Devin, the dude, as we all know. Everyone knows that. It's common knowledge at this point. Yes. Devin's my dude. And I saw something unusual, apart from the guy in the tracksuit that said Dianetics. Yeah.

Which was a very, a strikingly beautiful lady Scientologist. Wow. And it's usually, I feel like the Scientologists that I see, I think I would describe as like desperate. Uh-huh. Like, you know, people with, you know. Do you meet a lot of open Scientologists? You know, I think my main interaction is just while I'm doing this breakfast. They look kind of like, they often look like Eastern European immigrants who work at a mall kiosk.

Sure. like Eastern European immigrants who work at a mall kiosk. Sure. Like they've got on those, they've got on trousers and they're very... Vests. And vests.

And they're clean and specific in their presentation, but they have a glint of desperation in this corner of their eyes like you don't know what I've seen. Yeah, but this was just a striking young woman. Was it Tom Cruise? It might have been.

Could have been Tom Cruise. He's petite. I don't want to suggest that Common is a Scientist. I don't believe him to be a Scientist. Okay. But, and I was, did I? Was it our friend Carrie from Oh No Ross and Carrie? Oh, right, right.

No, I do. It's been going clear recently. I don't think this was a journalist investigating the organization for a podcast. I think this was a legitimate member of the operation. Okay. Did I miss the chance for a meet cute? Like when I was passing this woman, was there a way to? Yeah, here's what I suggest.

Okay. It requires Blaine. The two of you just walk back and forth on that sidewalk. And anytime she comes nearby, Blaine says, so really, you're an operating thief? And I'll go, that's right I am, baby. Yeah. My catchphrase. She'll say i i can't help i can't help but have overheard that you sir are an operating thetan what's your secret and you say well tens of thousands of dollars maybe hundreds of thousands of dollars which i have yeah exactly in spades yeah and then you'll be all up in that scientology guts yeah also don't invest in spades. Yeah, and then you'll be all up in that Scientology guts.

Yeah. Also, don't invest in spades. Yeah, that is not. People barely shovels. If anything shovels, people don't need that pointed tip anymore. I mean, how safe an investment is a trowel? Yeah. Sure.

What about one of those three-prong fork diggers? Yeah. Of the garden implements, what's the gold? What's just the fucking safe investment? Edgers. People want clean edges. You cannot do that without an edger. Hose.

Yeah. Should I spread them out over various area codes? Why are so many of our slurs focused in names of garden implements? Well, you have hose and spades.

That's two. That's all I needed for this. Well, of course, there's the digging wop. I guess so that's an option. Oh, plowing. Sure, yeah. I don't know if that's, I mean, that's just kind of, that can be fun.

I use it all the time. Yeah, right? I think your strategy is one. Yeah. Like appear like I am a big shot within the organization. Right. I mean you'd need probably some kind of special hat. I'm not 100% sure.

Sure. And again, yeah, we're just speculating at this point. This would probably take some reading that I haven't done yet. Like what's better than the tracksuit? Probably knight armor. Yeah, sure. That says Dianetics on it. Yeah.

But is it, would another valid way at this, you know, as same, same deal. She's walking by. We're walking by the other way. Yeah. And I can just go, come with me. Like, I will, let me, let me take you away from all this. Oh. Like, I can free you from this nightmare.

Yeah. Like, I don't know how far we would get in my Prius, but. I was going to say, come with me if you want to live. But then I got really self-conscious about my Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation. Well, you're doing it now, right? It sounds pretty good to me. Come with me if you want to live. Yeah, that's like perfect.

A lot of people have a hard time with the difference between a German accent and an Austrian accent. You really nailed it. I'll be right back. Got it. That's why, see, that's why Ron is such a show business big shit. Yeah. He's got impressions of the, this guy's not even an impressionist.

You know, I think we were, sorry, Ron, I don't mean to attack you on the show. Go ahead. That's what I came for. I think you sold us. Jordan, that's what we did for 25 minutes before we got here. I think you sold us a little bit of a load. You were selling yourself as the man of just one voice, but a thousand faces. You got at least two in there.

That too is me. This is me. Yeah. I was dealing with Ron's management. I bought a pig and a poke. Okay. There was a bag. It was closed.

There was something shaking up in there, but I didn't know what we were going to get. Turns out a thousand faces, two voices. He's always plowing. This is a remarkable value that we got. I'm thinking twice about my plan

to trade this pig for some magic beans. Get to the helicopter, please. You got it. Arnold, you're doing. You got it. Yeah, let's go. Arnold? You're doing all your famous lines? Like, get to the helicopter, please?

Hey, Ron, can we talk to Arnold from Batman and Robin? Is he in there? It's cold. It's cold. He's right here. Wait a minute. Hold on. I missed my wife. It's cold. He's right here. Wait a minute. Hold on. I missed my wife.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm getting a phone call. Apparently, it's Jordan. It's from former governor. Oh. Arnold. Former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on the line with me now.

Governor Schwarzenegger, the line with me now. Governor Schwarzenegger, how are you today, sir? Please don't judge my relationship with my housekeeper. Things are, you know, things are personal. Yeah, there he is. Ladies and gentlemen, two-term California Governor, the man we re-elected after we we reelected him, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thank you guys for that. Yeah. That was, yeah, I mean, so yeah, hopefully maybe like in his next movie, if Arnold needs some ADR work done, you can kind of get in there. I'd love to have video games or whatever he doesn't want to do.

Whatever Arnold doesn't want to do, I'll do. I don't know. He did do that commercial for a mobile game that ran during the Super Bowl. I don't think that he's... He'll do a lot, yeah. He's got to pay for that housekeeper baby. That is fun as a state when you have to be like, yeah, we'll elect

a guy who will do stuff like this. Yeah. Well, one thing's for sure. We'll never elect a president who will do that. I used to do a joke about it that wasn't good enough to keep, but I remember when it kind of made me disenfranchise with politics. But when I saw him at Monday Night Raw, a wrestling show I really enjoy, and he had a chain wallet.

And I was just like, what the fuck? What was he wearing? What was the chain wallet in I was just what the fuck so wait what was he wearing what was the chain wallet in like jeans yeah just jeans okay and I was just like and the joke was always

like was like something about how like you don't let a guy with a chain wallet be in charge of anything because he can't even

keep track of his wallet I think that's a pretty solid joke it's okay it wasn't good enough but they were probably nice jeans though like Jordache He can't even keep track of his wallet. I think that's a pretty solid joke. It's okay. It wasn't good enough. But they were probably nice jeans, though, like Jordan Asher. Oh, they were beautiful jeans.

Do you still keep up with Monday Night Raw? Ron, do they still have Monday Night Raw? Of course, they will forever. Now it's like Cats on Broadway. It'll never die. Speaking of which, did you hear that Stone Cold Steve Austin is going to be in Cats on Broadway it'll never die speaking of which did you hear that Stone Cold Steve Austin is going to be in Cats on Broadway

yeah he's going to be Mr. Tumnus oh wait that's a character from the Chronicles of Narnia who am I thinking of well he's also going to play one of those hedgehogs

from the Chronicles of Narnia there's a Mr. in Cats right Mr. yeah Mr. Mitsopitalik I think that's a magical Superman villain. Uh-huh. Good pronunciation, though. I don't think he's magical.

I think he's from another dimension, Jordan. Mistopheles. Mr. Mistopheles. Anyway, sorry I confused the Chronicles of Narnia and Cats. Who's the main wrestler these days, Ron? Who's the main of the wrestlers? Yeah, who is, like, as the ultimate warrior was to my childhood. Not Hulk Hogan?

No, I was an ultimate warrior guy. You know what, because I think... Andre the Giant guy over here. Because I think I knew Hulk Hogan to be racist. Oh, really? You knew that at the time? I could sense it. I was...

Were you bothered by the fact that the whole thing was racist? That it was basically a series of racism fighting each other no i loved the iron sheik it was a sensitive portrayal of sheiks well right now it's a transitional phase john cena has been the man for the past decade and they're trying to set up for a new guy to take over uh it appears that they would like it to be a guy by the name of Roman Reigns.

A lot of the audience has been resistant to that. They don't like Roman Reigns. I mean, people like him, but they don't love him. Are they Neapolitan? I hear they hate the Romans. He works hard. He does good things.

He's just also pretty new. They really like him because he's the he's the rock's cousin is he actually the rock's cousin wow the rocket comes from a whole family of wrestlers right yes yeah he comes from a long line where yeah i don't know if you're prepared to like make a statement on this as a celebrity wrestling fan. Where do you stand on the issue? Do you like the man? Do you think we need to take another look at another wrestler as a nation?

I mean, I feel like options are never bad, you know? And I feel like maybe they just look at it in an old-time fashion where there only needs to be one guy. Like memories. That worked at a time when they were. Yeah, pretty much.

But that was also when we only had four or eight channels. I feel like right now it's fun for everybody to have something to like a little bit. It's okay to pass it around a little bit. I think that would be better. You need some niche interests.

Maybe a Louis C.K., Alina Dunham. Exactly. And give them all a turn to shine a little bit. And something for everything. And that's what I mean, because I used to dislike him a lot because he was getting rammed down our throats. But then I realized that other people really liked him.

And especially, I mean, he's a very attractive man. A lot of ladies like him a lot. And so I feel like that's okay. He's not for me. What current wrestler has the most complicated shtick? I feel like John Cena. What's his shtick? His shtick is just that he's big?

Yeah, well, his shtick is that he used to be a rapper, and then he was like, I'm also in the military, but not in the military. And then now his shtick is like, I have sex with the hottest lady. And also, I give the most make-a-wish kids wishes. Are the kids wishing to watch him have sex with the hottest lady? I would. No, they're wishing to cuckold him. But the most, I mean, there's a few people right now. You know, there's a classic cult leader, Swamp Bayou guy.

Right. What's this dude called? His name's Bray Wyatt. He leads a group of hillbillies. Like an army of hillbillies? An army of hillbillies that are very large. But like swamp billies. Yeah.

These aren't like Appalachian billies. These are like swamp people. These are swamp people from the show Swamp People. Pretty much. And they just kind of try to cause a ruckus and then they make these big fun speeches but then they lose.

And that's pretty much their shit. Do the Duck Dynasty guys ever show up in the wrestling? No. No. I think they really try to stay away from racism lately because of the Hulk Hogan thing. What about American Pickers? Do they ever show up in there? No, it's mostly...

That would be a good tag team. Ronda Rousey shows up on occasion. And Flo Rida shows up way too much. Really? Flo R writer's there? Yeah, they like him a lot. Well, he did have that one huge hit almost 10 years ago. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's pretty much their MO when it comes to music

is they find somebody they love like 10 years too late. They were real into Limp Bizkit way too late. Can Fred Durst still go to SummerSlam and be a celebrity? I think, yeah. I think if he showed up and was in, they would put him in the front row. Okay. Like, you know, like. Him, Drew Carey.

Like they go to Jack Nicholson at a Lakers game. Wait, Drew Carey? Mm-hmm. Drew Carey is in the WWE Hall of Fame. For wrestling? Or for the Drew Kerry show? Probably for both. I mean, you can't stop

an accomplishment that knows no bounds. That's true. That's a good point. Is Barack Obama in the Wrestling Hall of Fame? No. No, he didn't do enough. He's going to need signature frames. If he can get signature frames frames then i think that could be the secret to getting him into the pro wrestling hall of fame we get him ringside with signature frames

he's memorable enough to make it happen uh yeah i wonder about i wonder if we like, what, what, oh, you know what? Okay. I like watching you discover things. You're like a puppy. I was, okay, a friend of mine. Yeah. Who is a woman. Ooh, braggart. Spoiler alert.

I'm friends with both sexes. Nice. And, you know, even people who don't define themselves by a particular gender. Sure. I'm friends with them, too. Nice. Also, you know, even people who don't define themselves by a particular gender. Sure. I'm friends with them, too. Nice. Also, three of the races. Really?

Yeah. Wait, you shan't be letting us know which three. It's a fun guessing game. It will be a surprise. And it's not what you think. You have to click through to find out. Wait, is Catalonians even a race? Thumbs down. It's more of a language group.

They're like, hey, yeah, actually, Jordan explained that to me. He thinks blimps are a race. God, does he hate dirigibles? I shake my fist at them. Oh, you rigid airships. A friend of mine. Yeah. Okay.

It was a woman. Yeah. Friends with both sexes. It's Ronda Rousey. Even. God, I mine. Yeah. Okay. Who is a woman. Yeah. Friends of both sexes. It's Ronda Rousey. God, I wish. Yeah. I wish rowdy Ronda Rousey would want to go grab a brew with me. God, can you imagine?

And then kick me in the face. Can you imagine if it was just a real chill hangout with you and rowdy Ronda Rousey and rowdy rowdy Piper? Man. That would be creepy right now. You know, she asked Rowdy Roddy Piper for permission before she called herself Rowdy Ronda Rousey. Is she really called Rowdy Ronda Rousey? I think so, right? Yeah.

Because she didn't want to be disrespectful to the legacy of Rowdy Roddy Piper. That's a good point. She's a big wrestler. She's a huge nerd. Does she actually wrestle in wrestle events? She wants to, but she hasn't been allowed to. Sure. You don't want to blow out a knee or something.

That's a concern. But she would like to. I'd like to see her wrestle other semi-wrestling, like not quite wrestlers. I'd like that. That's one of the best things is when it's not quite wrestler. We think we'd like that. But then if you put two things is when it's not quite wrestler. We think we like that. But then if you put two people who don't know what they're doing together, it's not going to look pretty. That's for sure.

Yeah. So you're saying the ideal situation for like a celebrity entrant is for someone, a non-wrestler, to be paired up with an experienced wrestler? So there's some guidance? Yeah. So someone can guide you through. It's just like anything. You need a Sherpa or someone to get you through it.

Yeah, it's like, Jordan, if I asked you to foxtrot. Sure. You know, you'd need somebody who could lead. Exactly. That's what pro wrestling is. It's like a Roomba. Sure. It's like a robot. You need a mechanical vacuum that teaches me how to foxtrot. Yeah.

A friend of mine saw Fred Durst on a dating app. Wow. I won't say which one because I don't want to compromise the privacy of this app. Farmers only. Farmers only. And wanted to know what she should do about it. and wanted to know what she should do about it. Oh, and I think in the app,

you get two pieces of information on the home screen. Yeah. You can click through the person's profile to see more, but this is a swiping-based app. Right. So you get the person's name and then their job, or sometimes, weirdly, where they went to college, which I don't know how you would be looking at someone's picture. You're like, well, I don't know.

I don't know. They look, oh, okay, they went to Dartmouth. I don't know. It would work for me. Oh, yeah? If it was like an Ivy League school, I would be interested a little bit more because I'd be like, I want to know what you're about. How would you feel about UC Santa Cruz?

Oh, no way. Yeah. So the two piece information were Fred Durst and his job was Limp Bizkit. That's where he works. Yeah, I mean, but I just assume he would write in like pussy slayer what sorry well no it's okay it's just that it's a joke that it passed i'm sorry do you

want to can i set it up again no all right i like i mean people who who caught it they'll be like it wasn't good enough to say again. He did a good job of trying to let it go. It'll be like staying after the credits of a Marvel movie. Yeah. Get a little extra something. Which I never do. I say, if you want me to see it, you better put it in the movie.

Yeah, fuck that shit. Are you listening? So many key grips. Yeah, listening? So many key grips. Yeah, for sure, many key grips. Okay, so you're saying that the... I gotta pee, you know? You know, it usually works out for me because I need to finish jerking off. Yeah, sure.

So I always need a little extra... It takes you two and a half hours? Yeah. I mean, I'm glad that they're making these movies longer. Yeah. Because, you know, 90 minutes. I mean, come on. He's a slow grower. Sure. I mean, I'm glad that they're making these movies longer. Yeah. Because, you know, 90 minutes. I mean, come on. He's a slow grower.

Sure. I mean, we know he's a fast grower. He's a slow grower. So he can't see it until a half hour into the movie. So, yeah, I like to time it right when Sam Jackson comes on screen. Oh, yeah. Who doesn't? You know how I like to time it?

Right when Stan Lee gets up there. Oh, you like to blast her during the Stan Lee cameo. Oh, yeah. I mean, some of them. That's for bringing adolescent onks to the comics. Sure. Not just kid stuff anymore. Yep.

Blast. Now, what do you do, Jesse, as someone who likes to blast during the Stan Lee cameo? Mm-hmm. Some of these movies. Have you heard of edging? Would you like to explain it to me? I bring myself very nearly to the point of blasting. Mm-hmm.

And then I maintain that level as necessary until, surprise, surprise, here's Captain Stan. Here's the whole Excelsior himself. And then it's just pew pew pew pew you know six gun salute my friend what do you do when there's no Stan Lee cameo

why would I go see a movie without a Stan Lee cameo some of the Marvel films have been leaving out the Stan Lee cameo I don't know why I don't know if he was just too old to be shucking out there to Croatia or wherever they film these things. I mean, I check the spoilers. Oh, okay. So you just don't go?

Yeah. I like to imagine that Stan reads different scripts and he goes, like, no, not this one. Imagine that Stan reads different scripts and he goes like, no, not this one. This was not a good enough part for me. Nah. Yeah, right. Call me when you get to the Vision solo movie. I think it would be great if Stan Lee was the one green lighting all the Marvel movies. He is at the top of the food chain in Marvel, and he's like, look, I'm willing to make this Captain America movie that you people want to, but I want to make this other movie about a superhero vampire version of Pamela Anderson.

Wasn't that a thing that he invented at one point? Yeah, boy, I think there was an awkward time between, you know. Stan Lee cameos. Yeah, yeah. His, the. Marvel being nearly bankrupt. His irrelevance circa 1969. Yeah, I think so.

What were we talking about? Master Baten. There you go. So you're just saying you check the wiki to see if there's a Stan Lee cameo, and if there's not, you just don't show up. No, I go to stanleistans.net. The forum's there, I remember, for a really long time. Sure. And, you know, there's always a thread. Yeah.

It usually has a time code. So I guess my question is, if you guys could put yourselves into the shoes. I'm going to close my eyes. Yeah, close your eyes. Don't fall asleep. Then we'll have to rouse you. No promises. Rhonda, rouse you.

Yeah, let's go say it, too. We'll just get rowdy. Yeah, we'll get rowdy, and then we'll rouse you. You're a single gal in the big city. Feels good so far. You're doing these dates. I feel confident, but also don't get near me. You're doing these date naps.

Yeah. Some nice guys. Oh, he looks nice. Some real scumbags. Ugh, this guy. Yeah. Y'all cool. And you're swiping.

It's looking bleak. It's looking bleak. It's looking bleak. A lot of... A lot of... They all play video games now. A lot of you see Santa Cruz. I'm seeing a lot of you see Santa Cruz. A lot of you see Santa Cruz.

Boom. Fred Durst. Care of Limp Bizkit comes up. What do you do? what do you do? What do you do? You gotta message him, right? Well, you gotta match with him first. I gotta swipe right.

I gotta swipe right and see if he matches me back because he accomplished things. He slept with Britney Spears. I'm not better than Britney Spears. I'll swipe him right. Got it. Okay.

I think that's a fair justification, Ron. Do you get any of her powers, do you think? I think so. I think that's how it works. That's what I heard. If they're sexually transmitted diseases, it only makes sense that they're sensually transmitted superpowers. The retconned Spider-Man origin.

Yeah, because he fucked a spider. That's how it happens for real. Jesse, what do you think? I think that if I fucked Durst, I would get Britney's power of athletic try-hard dancing. Pants dancing. Inelegant,

but enthusiastic, workman-like dancing okay so you guys are both swiping right on durst then i i wonder i would not swipe right on the guy from corn okay gives me the heebie-jeebies okay let me i'll just bring up i'll bring up a new metal band You guys tell me if you're swiping Okay Yes to Durst No to Korn Absolutely not to Jonathan something from Korn Okay Linkin Park

Yes because You had that quick and loud Is it Mike Shinoda the rapper Oh boy That guy's friends with DJ Premier. Oh, that's right. So I guess they did the album with Jay-Z, Best of Both Worlds. Yep. They did it.

Unfinished Business. I don't remember the name of which one. Best of Both Worlds was with R. Kelly. So I'm assuming it was the other Unfinished Business. Swipe right. He did a whole rap album. He did a whole rap album that was full of, it was like all of my favorite rappers on it. And he's not a good rapper.

He could be worse. He's a friend of good rappers. But he's friends with, it's like when Shaq had a late period Shaq album that was like, oh yeah, Shaq did a song with Common and one with Black Thought and one with Pharoah Monch or whatever. Like, yeah, Shaq did a song with Common and one with Black Thought and one with Farrow Monch or whatever. Like, yeah, let's do this. You guys want to fuck the guy from Lincoln Park. It's I want to let him think he gets to fuck me,

but really, I'm just whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're going to friend zone the guy from Lincoln Park? Jesse. Yeah, because I'm trying to fuck dj premiere premiere premiere premier premier really mobile i just tell you i don't not want to fuck the guy from lincoln okay papa papa roach no no no that was okay it's got roach in your name and papa it's gross thatach in your name and Papa.

It's gross. That's the beginning name of Papa Murphy, which I also don't like. Where are those dudes? And Papa Smurf. That guy's the worst. Yeah. Where are those dudes from? Why do you hate Papa Smurf?

This is an odd bias. Where did this come from? I didn't see him taking care of anybody. You know what? That's true. Yeah, you basically't see him taking care of anybody. You know what? That's true. Yeah, he basically just left him to Gargamel. But sometimes the best thing for a parent to do, I mean, I think I'm qualified as a prominent parent. Yeah.

I'm on a lot of mommy blogs. Absolutely. Sometimes you got to let your kids figure shit out for themselves. You got to let them scrape their knee, you know? Yeah. So I think maybe that's what Papa Smurf was doing, a kind of a hands-off parenting. I mean, they figured out how to make baby Smurfs with just that one chick who wasn't Mama Smurf. Sure. So they figured out some shit. Yeah.

Okay, so no to Papa Roach. Yes. Do you think all those Smurfs came from Papa Smurf dividing his cells? I don't know how a Smurf is born. That's a great question. I think it's born like a jellyfish. It just splits in half. Ba-boom-boom, here comes Snoozy Smurf.

Yeah. You've never really, yeah, why do they have different characteristics then? Ba-boom-boom, Sporty Smurf. Yeah. I think it's Sporty Spice. Ba-boom-boom. sporty Smurf. Yeah. I think it's sporty Spice. You're confusing the Smurfs and the Spice Girls. Ba-boom-boom, ginger Smurf. Yeah.

Okay, I think this is the last one, and I think it'll be the most difficult. Okay. Because when I'm thinking of rap rock guys who I would swipe with, this one is a conundrum. Did Slipknot rap i know i think slipknot did not rap i think screamed a lot i'd fuck them if they were wearing those crazy outfits they were sometimes okay so you go okay i'm learning a lot about you by the way what you like you were you doing some weird shit and you willing to hurt some people to get where you need to go. Yeah, absolutely. To get to DJ Premier.

Yeah, Premier, Premier, Premier, Premier. Today, you know, there's a band shell here by our office. I walked over to the barbershop, get a haircut, you know, get my situation tightened up. Ron Funches is coming over later. Sure. And they were having some kind of, I don't know, HIV festival. I couldn't tell you.

The HIV van was there and then some different things from the Parks and Rec Department. And I would say, you know, about the normal number of people who are in that particular part of MacArthur Park. You know, it's like you're talking about a few homeless people, some recent immigrants, and a couple of people who are headed to the other half of that side of the park so that they can gamble on dice. Okay. And the band was, I think, probably the perfect band. It was like a circa 1992 style metal band called New Evil. Wow. With a female front woman who was rocking out and going apeshit.

And there was probably four fans of the New Evil there. And then just a bunch of confused people who just got here from El Salvador. So this is happening on Thursday afternoon? Yeah. Thursday afternoon, they're like, man, we got to get some people through this free HIV testing van. The answer has got to be New Evil. How is New spelled in this situation? Any W, but I would say there was four people in New Evil, me, and four New Evil fans. was four people in New Evil, me, and four New Evil fans.

So that makes a total of nine white people within 400 yards of this metal concert. Sure. To be fair, certain types of metal appeal to Latino teens. This was not one of those. Okay. That was going to be my question. Yes. Okay. Would you let Slipknot run a train on you? Ooh. That's an interesting question. Yes. Okay. Would you let Slipknot run a train on you?

Ooh. That's an interesting question. Yeah. Where's the train headed? DJ Premier? Nah, it's headed to Pound Town. Okay. Is it an overnight?

Yeah. Do I have a sleeper car? Yeah, you could doze. Or just one of those fold-down chairs. Yeah, the fold-down chair, but there's a snack car. You're going to find out why they're called Slipknot. Okay. Yeah. It's a fold down chair, but there's a snack car. You're going to find out why they're called Slipknot. Okay. Yeah. Rap Rock Guy pops

up on your dating app. Do you swipe right on Kid Rock? Yes. No. That was quick. So we got a yes and a no. This is interesting. This is interesting. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say I had a nice conversation once with our friend Nathan Rabin, freelance writer formerly of the AV Club.

Nathan wrote a book where he went, got really into fish and the insane clown posse. And in preparing for that book, he also went on the Kid Rock cruise. I didn't make it into the book. But he said he had a fantastic time and Kid Rock is really fun. And he never would have expected it, but he really had a blast. And also, I bet Kid Rock is friends with DJ Premier. It's all about DJ Premier. You're saying no no okay i feel like i remember a time period where he was sleeping with he would just go to strip clubs and close them out and sleep with all the strippers yeah and so i just feel like i got

to protect my temple gotta keep that temple clean that's a good point and i feel like it might be a good time he may be fun that may be well indeed but i mean i know i i mean i just i know too much about you kid rock can't do it yeah i mean i think probably central to this is how little of his music i've ever heard sure like i think if i heard kid rock, I would lose my boner or moistness almost immediately. Sure. He's not a good rapper, I don't think. No. I don't imagine so.

He's also not a good country music guy, which is interesting. Yeah. I mean, that really makes the success all the more admirable. Yeah, he's very determined. He's clearly determined and bold. That's all it takes. I guess what he lacks in talent, he makes up for in pure admirable. Yeah, he's very determined. He's clearly determined and bold. That's all it takes. I guess what he lacks in talent, he makes up for in pure tude. Yeah, that's true.

And apparently being cool and nice. If you could choose one word to describe his tude, what word would you choose? Boy. When he cops one? Yeah, like if he cops a toad, what kind of toad would he cop? I think you're looking for rude. Uh-huh.

But I don't think that's him, man. Really? I think it's more of a chill toad. Oh, okay. I think it's an American toad. Yeah. Yeah, American toad. That's actually his new album,

American Toad. Yeah. All the young toads. I feel like if Trump really wants to win, he should have Kid Rock be his vice president. Just be Trump and Rock. Well, there's a Supreme Court justice seat open. Okay. Well, I didn't mean to really go down this path because I know nothing about politics.

I just wanted to make a fun—I just thought they would be a fun team. That is a fun team. Trump Rock, 2016. Do you think people will think he's running with Chris Rock? Either way, it would help. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that Chris Rock is running with Bernie Mac. Sure.

RIP? He died. He'd be passed on. Okay. So, boy, we've... He was in that movie Head of State with Chris Rock. It was a fun movie. Sure. I really got a lot of laughs out of that movie.

It was pretty good. Mr. 3000. Underrated. Mr. 3000, I don't know if that's a good movie. Is that a good movie? No, but it's just he's fun to watch. He's amazing to watch. It was one of the greatest things to watch ever.

Yeah. Great in life. Nice when it'd pop up in those Ocean's Eleven movies. Yep, sort of like Elliot Gould, him and Elliot Gould. Oh, yeah. And Super Dave. Remember how one of those movies had Super Dave in it? You're like, yeah, Super Dave, I like that.

I do. I love Super Dave. Get over here. Yeah, who? Come over here. Swipe right for Super Dave. Okay, Jordan, where are you swiping for Super Dave? Oh, yeah, right on Super Dave.

And that's not a difficult. What about his brother, Albert Brooks? Yeah, you know, I could see it being one of those things where, you know, you meet and you're like, ah, this is, you know, it's one of those things where it's like, oh, there's, I can't put my finger on why this isn't working for me. You know, everything seems to be falling into place. She's profoundly discomforting. That's probably it. Yeah. But I would do it, yeah.

Is he the greatest disease sower? I guess we'd find out if he's also a disease sower. Sure. If you slept with him, you've got to go get tested. Well, I would use a condom, but I would make him use one too. Really? And a diaphragm. You wouldn't bear back with Albert Brooks? No, I would not bear use one, too. Really? And a diaphragm. You wouldn't bear back with Albert Brooks?

No, I would not bear back with Albert Brooks. That's so specific and weird. What about Charles Grodin? Oh, yeah. Grodin could raw dog me. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Hey, I'm Erin Gibson. I'm Brian Safi.

And we host Throwing Shade, a weekly look at all the issues that are important to ladies and gays and anybody else who cares about that stuff. And we make funnies. Yeah, either you care or you don't. You carry, you don't. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I don't have a name, a nickname. You can make one up. What was it? Bearded Charmer. I'm Ron Funches. I mean, don't judge it by this, but normally charming.

I think you've displayed much charm so far. Thank you. And more to come, I'm sure. I'm surprised you're not wearing a string tie because you've been quite the charming gentleman. You know, when something momentous happens to you, like let's say you meet Ron Funches and he's wearing a string tie. I suggest that you call us at 206-9844-FUN for our beloved segment, Momentous Occasions. By the way, Jordan, I'm going to echo something, a little feedback I've heard recently about Momentous Occasions. Sure, please. I'd like to hear more people doing things and less people seeing things.

I like that. You see something interesting, call it into over scenes on Stop Podcasting Yourself. Or to the New York City Terrorism Bureau. Yeah. If you see something, you say something. Say it. Now, if you do something, call it into Jordan Jesse Go with 206-9844-FUN.

And if you're like, okay, well, that's all well and good, but nothing's happened to me, maybe you're not living right. That's a good point. Yeah. Maybe you're not living right. That's a good point. Now, if you've heard something, like, tell me about it. That's a good point. Yeah. Yeah, I think Ron's right there.

If you see something, say something. If you've heard something, tell Ron. Yeah. The classic, the classic. Yeah. The classic. The classic. Should we take our first call or should we just go around in circles for another 10 minutes? Let's do a call. Either way.

Yeah, but I like this. I like this directive. I like this direction. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, let's pay special attention to call in those. And if it doesn't feel like it's happening for you, you know what to do. Get them, get them, get them.

Sure. This is 2016. That's what we're talking about. Get them, get them, get them. Hit them, hit them, hit them. Do something. Tell us about it. Yeah.

All right. Hello, Jordan and Jesse and Loomis guests. This is Luke in Seattle, and I'm calling with a moment of shame. luminous guest. This is Luke in Seattle, and I'm calling with a moment of shame. I was sitting down to have dinner with some friends, and in the process of taking off my

coat at the table, I accidentally punched my waiter in the dick. And I felt really terrible about it. Get him, get him, get him. Yeah, see, Luke's doing it. He's going out to eat. Yeah, number one. He's punching some dicks., Luke's doing it. He's going out to eat. Yeah, number one.

He's punching some dicks. He's getting out there. He's setting the mood. He's letting people know right away he expects good service and that he won't accept anything less. He will not accept the tyranny of low expectations for his service staff. You never know what's going to happen when you go out to eat. Yeah. You might see common. Sure to happen when you go out to eat. Yeah. You might see Common.

Sure. I mean, in two days. You could see the Scientologist that you're going to marry someday. You got to get out the door. In two days, just walking through MacArthur Park, I've seen actor Peter Krause, Okay. a.k.a. Casey from Sports Night,

and I saw legendary metal band New Evil. Okay. AKA Casey from Sports Night. Mm-hmm. And I saw legendary metal band New Evil. Wow. Now, is Peter Krause in that band? I think he is. I think he's like a, I think it's a Fifth Beatle situation. Okay. Like, I think he, you know, he runs, he plays the studio is how I like to describe it.

Interesting. You know what I mean? Is, now I don't know if we're ready for this or not. Okay. Do we make New Evil the official female-fronted metal band of Jordan and Jesse Go? Oh, of course. Because it seems like maybe they're not drawn like they used to. Well, they got a few fans or possibly their roommate. I mean, granted, a public park at 3 on a Thursday is not necessarily the time you go to see heavy metal music, but...

I will say this, Hardcore. Yeah. I'll say this, Jordan. One of the people was yelling, Yeah, Cynthia! You owe me half the rent! Probably a roommate. Yes.

Or maybe one of their songs, You Owe Me Half the Rent. Yeah. Cynthia, You Owe Me Half the Rent. Cynthia, You Owe Me Half the Rent. Great. We've got an official metal band now. R.E.M. To cover. Let's take our next call.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D. This is David from Milwaukee. Calling in with a momentous occasion. Just had a lady friend tonight. and apparently she was having trouble sleeping, and while I was fast asleep, I rolled over, put both hands on her buttons, and in my sleep, I was

mmm, deadass. So apparently I'm a classy sleeping gentleman. Have a great day. Hmm. Deadass. I know. It makes him sound boring to me. How so? Because I do that that i just do that when you're awake yeah i'd like to let them know hey thank you also appreciate i do appreciate

your ass sure as well well you're a i think a more self-realized person than he is well maybe i just feel like yeah don't say that you're not classy because you do that. It was fun. It was a good time for you. Yeah. I don't feel like that was momentous at all. That should be happening for you

on at least a weekly basis. That's a good point. That's what I do on my Sunday afternoons. Sunday mornings are me time. Sunday afternoons are dead ass time. You spend some quality time with dead ass. Yeah. Yeah. Scheduled it. I like toons are deadass time. It's a quality time with deadass. Yeah. Scheduled it. I like to see it on your calendar.

You're like, oh boy, I'm all booked. I would love to. Deadass got me booked up. Deadass got me booked up. I have not had the chance to see Hail Caesar. Yeah. You know, my only day off is Sundays. I'm so busy

with that ass. That ass. Oh, you sound so cool now. So busy with that ass on Sundays. Slumped with that ass. Oh, I'm up to here with it. Maybe pencil you in for April, but...

That ass has been riding me. Yeah. Oh, you know, April's no good. I got an appointment with them titties. Tim titties. I didn't say that

like I wanted to. Tim titties. Got it. Well, that was fun, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I liked it. If you've got a momentous occasion,

206-984-4FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne. I'm Aaron.

I'm Jordan Morris. I'm Boy Detective. I'm Ron Funches. I'm just, you know, being me. Now, Ron, look, I'm already following you on Twitter. Okay. At Ron Funches is probably what it is. It is.

That's what I vaguely remember it being. But, like, let's say that I've been so charmed by you that I want to see you do stand-up comedy jokes. Okay. See you on network television. How could I pursue such avenues? I appreciate your interest in me. You go to my website, RonFunches.com has all my tour dates,

things that I'm up to, just phone videos and then that's about it. That's all it has. That's all you got to worry about there at RonFunches.com Probably got one of those under construction animated GIFs there. Those are nice. I mean it has a little picture of my face

and it goes back and forth and it says I'm loading and then it loads up and then it's pretty nice. I mean, it has a little picture of my face, and it goes back and forth, and then it says I'm loading, and then it loads up, and then it's pretty nice. It's got some wallpapers. Mm-hmm. It's got some fun. You can buy my album if you want to.

It's called The Funches of Us. It's pretty good. It's great. Actually, I'm going to interject here. I had a conversation with my colleague Christian. Christian, in preparation for the Bullseye Best Comedy of the Year special, listened to a shit ton of comedy albums, told me his favorite of the year, Ron Funches.

Oh, I agree. That's real. Yeah. That's true. That's courtesy of Christian Duenas, the legendary grandchild of the Talking Dogs grandpa. That's going on my bio now. And Ron, just the title of this album, I think I should point out, is a, I don't want to say a pun, but a take on the video game The Last of Us, but it's called The Fudges of Us.

Anyway, I was impressed by that. Yeah, I like that. It's just with some fun art that Barry Blankenship, Barry the art guy on Twitter, made for me. He does most of the art that I do for any of my shows. Ron, you really have hit both of our sweet spots. You got this arcane video game illusion for Jordan. And earlier you said how much you like Devin the Dude.

So we're basically a best friends triad. Is that a type of thing? Yeah. Best friends triad? Yeah. I mean, they're a little sexual, but either way, all friendships are a little bit. That's a good point.

You're right. That's a good point. You're right. Guys, I'm semi-erect. Cool, man. Yay. No, I'm semi-erect. Cool, man. Yay. No, I love Devin the Dude. He was one of my biggest influences in comedy and shaping my humor as a younger teen.

I tried to book Devin the Dude on boatparty.biz. This was a cruise we did, Atlantic Ocean Comedy Music Cruise. And I emailed him and I just got this email back that just said a whole thing about the whole festival, like all the different people that were coming, all this different stuff. It just said, what is the quote? Nice. And I emailed him back and I said, oh, you know, like it doesn't actually pay, but we'd bring you and a partner on the cruise and we'd buy the plane tickets and it's really fun.

You get to meet all these comedians. It's like a festival. And I just got back an email that said no. I like him. I like his nonsense. But I interviewed him once. He's a very sweet guy. No nonsense. Yeah.

He seems great. I just like chill rappers and people who are a little more funny with their rap instead of... I always felt it more realistic. I was like, it seems more realistic that you just got high all day and hid from a lady in the bathroom while you took a shit. Then you murdered 30 people this week. That's a reference to his song, Boo Booin'. Yeah, if you need me, I'll be in the bathroom boo booin'. That's what Devin the Dude

says in that song. Yeah. So Ron Funches, one line. Avoiding conflict. At Ron Funches and ronfunches.com for all the stand-up

comedy joke programs with the great Ron Funches. You can join us on Twitter, hashtag your JJ Go. Sure. On Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com.

Lots of hot talk there. A lot of people think it's just Lawthreaper and RageTacular. Others. Yeah, there's others. Others. Oh, what? There's thirds? Yeah.

There's a third thing? You've got it. A third Reddit person? You've got it. Ramular. Mm-hmm. That guy's in there. Sure.

You know about Ramular. Don't I? Yeah, sure. Brian Fernandez on the boards for our program. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design. Thanks to The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records for giving us permission to use that particular song. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

Maximumfun.org. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.