Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 425: Gotta Be Goblins with Chelsey Crisp

Episode Date: April 25, 2016

Actress Chelsey Crisp joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Chelsey's experience shooting a horror movie in a genuinely scary place, the time Jordan saged his apartment, and Jesse's dilemma of not having received a utility bill in years.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Did you get a load of those Aztec dancers outside, Jordan? No, I missed them! Yeah, they were, uh, they were smelting. Oh, fuck! I missed them!

Is it called, is you call called smelting when you burn sage, or is that when you combine metals? I guess smelting, I think of as... Well, first of all, whoever smelt it dealt it. Right, sure. So that comes to mind first. That's the classic tradesman's quip.

Sure, right. It's on my family crest. We come from a long line of smelters. That's the city motto of Pittsburgh, isn't it? Sure, yeah, right. It's on my family crest. We come from a long line of smelters. That's the city motto of Pittsburgh, isn't it? Sure, yeah, right. But it's ye who smelt it, dealt it. Yeah, exactly. From the old English.

Smudging is what Brian tells us is the thing where you burn incense to clean something spiritually. Okay. So where were these Aztec dancers? How did I miss them? Okay, so there is some kind of... I feel like no matter what happens, by the time it gets to be the part of the day where we record Jordan and Jesse go,

outside in MacArthur Park, there is some kind of unusual event going on. And... Well, sorry you just think that's unusual, Jesse. It's a pretty Eurocentric view of the world. Look, I... Sorry, I think that Aztecs should be able to dance wherever and if they

need to make a sacrifice to catch a quaddle I think that's cool Jordan. Now who's the racist? Jordan I know that you live in West Hollywood where everyone identifies as Aztec. Right. Everybody's

got shaking nuts on their ankles and feathers on their headdress and a bear shirt. And they're playing, of course, the ball game. Sure. It's where there's a solid rubber ball that they have to hit with their body through a hoop. Yes. We think. You've described West Hollywood to a team. I don't know why you did it because everyone knows that.

Here in the Westlake district of Los Angeles, things are different. I'm used to a certain leave it to beaver vibe. Gotcha. Which is to say, whites only. Yeah. Picket fences. Yeah. Pies cooling on the windowsill.

You got it. And no one not of European lineage. Yeah, and all homosexuals are secret. Sure. That's what I'm used to here in Westlake. But right now, there's some kind of Aztec event going on. And no, sincerely, there's- Should you inform the city council?

I think it's- To maybe just send in men with brooms to run them out? I think that's a traditional way to dispatch Aztecs. Hello, Pinkertons? Yeah. I think it's a traditional way to dispatch Aztecs. Hello, Pinkertons. I think it's some kind of city event going on out there because I feel like a lot of – I could hear the PA. I mean we're on the – what are we, the ninth floor?

I could hear the PA and there was like a woman who clearly was the supervisor of a community center saying the names of different people in different departments and everyone was politely applauding. But then there was also a set of Aztec dancers and some sage being burned. And earlier there was someone going for a swim in the lake. Okay. Which is not – I mean I guess people will know this if they heard our Gross Lake episode. Yeah. Okay. Which is not, I mean, I guess people will know this if they heard our Gross Lake episode. Yeah. But that is unusual because MacArthur Park Lake is primarily for dead bodies and syringes.

Exactly. Not for humans, live humans. And she went and visited Dick Island. Oh, that's great. The legendary island of bird carcasses that's at the center of MacArthur Park Lake. That is shaped like a dick if seen from above. Yeah, exactly, which is the main way that we see it because we've got this beautiful view. That's right, from our blimp that we recorded.

I actually, at the flea market last week, I bought what's called a spotting scope so that I could spy on things in the park. We already had several sets of binoculars for spying on things in the park, but it feels so much cooler to look into a thing. I guess what I'm envisioning now,

and I don't know exactly what this kind of thing is, but I'm envisioning something that Galileo looks through. Yeah, that's a process. Does it have an axis on it? It's more like what an army sergeant, let's say Sergeant Slaughter, is looking through on the firing range. It's like gunmetal gray and very industrial looking. But it's perfect for trying to figure out what the fuck a woman is doing swimming in the world's most disgusting lake. Now, can only Sergeant Slaughter use this or or can Snake Eyes use this, or Baroness?

Yeah, all three of those can use it. And you know what? I say that Sergeant Bilko can use it, too. Why not? Okay. Anyone who's achieved a rank of Sergeant or above. So it doesn't have to just be from the G.I. Joe universe. No, no.

This is a panverse situation. Okay. I just want to make sure I knew the rules of this thing, the fictitious rules.I. Joe universe. No, no, this is a pan, this is a pan, this is a pan verse situation. Okay. Just want to make sure I knew the rules of this thing, the fictitious rules. Yeah. Well, I just wanted to settle that so nobody had to tweet you to request a PDF. Mm-hmm. So yeah, so that's what's going on, that's what's

going on here, and it's a lot of fun. It's a lot of excitement, Jordan. Do you think I can still catch a little Aztec dancing after the show? How long do these guys dance for? I don't know. I mean, I've seen Aztec dance. Look, I'm not trying to brag, but I grew up a few blocks from one of the Aztec dancing capitals of the world, the Mission Cultural Center. And they also probably have- I think you were going to say, I grew up from one of the Aztec dancing –

Capitals of the world. Capitals of the world, a ziggurat. And yeah, the performances are like any other folk dancing performance. You don't want it to be too long. Yeah. Leave them wanting more. You see those clogs or those whatever the – you see those tin whistles or whatever the culturally specific elements are. You appreciate it for about 15 minutes and then you're goosed.

You know what I mean? You're out of juice. Should we – I have a thought about Sage. Should we introduce our guest? We should introduce our guest who. I have a thought about Sage. Should we introduce our guest? We should introduce our guest who may also have some thoughts about Sage. I don't know. I actually – I don't know.

You're wondering, Jesse, why did you book this guest on the show? It's because her publicist told me she's a Sage-spert. Oh. She's a real Sage-Sage. Sure, yeah. She has sagely thoughts on the topic of sage. She is a regular on the smash hit show Fresh Off the Boat. She's starring in a horror film that I'm very excited to hear more about.

Oh. Chelsea Crisp, how are you? I'm good. It's great to be the foremost sage expert in America. Should I explain which character you play on Fresh Off the Boat? It's Honey. Yes. I could claim that it's Eddie Huang.

It's not. That would be disingenuous. That would not be. Yeah. Although the way things are going right now in Hollywood, maybe that could happen. Yeah. Shouldn't, but. There's a lot of fun opportunities for whites out there.

Yeah. Yeah. Things are really going the way we really hope. And you know what? It's about time. Yes. It's about time. Finally, something's breaking out there. Yeah. Things are really going the way we really hoped. And you know what? It's about time. Yes. It's about time. Finally, something's breaking our way.

Yeah. Yeah. It's been, you know, it's been an interesting week of casting news, which obviously on our show is something that we care a lot about. So we do talk about it a fair amount at the show. But I do play the white character on our show. Yeah. I guess I should say, boy, this seems like a good time to announce this. Yeah.

Of course, we all know Big Trouble in Little China. Right. Reboot coming up. Right. I'm playing everyone who's not the Kurt Russell part. Oh, really? Yeah. Congratulations.

Wow. Congrats. That is amazing. All the wizards. Sort of like Peter Sellers in the party. Yeah. It's going to be kind of one of those. There's going to be a lot of prosthetics, you know, lots of fun camera tricks.

Are you going to be doing an Indian accent? Oh, I'm going to be doing all the accents. Oh, good. Yeah. All the accents of the world? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. And they will be spot on and not offensive.

Did you get a cassette tape or? No, no, I'm just kind of like, I'm just kind of feeling it out. Oh, okay, cool. Oh, you should wing it. Yeah. You should just show up on the day and figure it out as you go. I think if it's too studied, people will call bullshit. Absolutely.

So I just want to get there and ask the director. I just want to ask the director, Zack Snyder. Your buddy, Zack. Who am I becoming today? I was so surprised, by the way. And I, of course, Chelsea, you don't know this about me, but I read the trades. And I was reading the trades recently. And I was so surprised to learn that Zack Snyder had taken over that film because I never expected Brett Ratner to step aside.

Yeah, well, I mean, he's just got a lot going on. He's directing that Seven Samurai reboot with Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah, got it. Asshole Seven of the Samurai. Got it. So he, so yeah, Zach, I'll just go up to Zach and I'll say, who am I becoming today? And he says, oh, well, this is the scene where the Kurt Russell character runs across a cockney chimney sweep. Oh. And then I'll say, you mean me, governor?

And then we'll just go. I am really excited about this, not just because, look, you're one of my best friends, Jordan, and I'm really happy that you've had this huge career break in this part of your career. I mean, you haven't even been going out on auditions. This must have been an offer only situation. Yeah, it was a thing where I just said, you know, I'm not doing this anymore.

Thanks, but no thanks. They just kept calling and calling. We'll make time for you. We'll work around your schedule. They saw your commercial with Fritz Coleman, right? Sure. Yeah, they saw the commercial I did in 2006 for the NBC4 local weather where I was a surfer dude asking Fritz Coleman where the best waves were. They're like, I need this guy to play all of the peoples of the world in the Big Trouble in Little China reboot.

Brett Ratner said that at the time, but he has since passed on the project. For one thing, I'm glad that Zack Snyder decided to keep you, Jordan. I'm so happy you're still on board for this. keep you, Jordan. I'm so happy you're still on board for this. But I am just excited because look, I love Big Trouble in Little China as much as the next guy, maybe more. But

every time I watch it, I think, wouldn't this movie be better if it had a palette of washed out grays, blues, and oranges? You know, like a golden orange, like a pale golden orange. But then things were really slow and then really fast. Yeah, exactly.

You really nailed it. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, guys. I'm good. So before I talk about Sage, I didn't know you had a horror movie in the pipe. In the can? In the can and the pipe, both. Sure.

It's located in both places. It was shoved into a can, which is shoved into a pipe. And then put into a pipe, yes. A lot of times, especially on smaller films, they're pursuing a diversified release strategy. Yes, yeah. Any distribution routes that are available, we just take. Get it on iTunes. Go to a theater.

That's exactly where it is. Look into a pipe. Look into a pipe. Look into your local pipe. Yeah. None of those work, so we went with the can. Sure. Yes, it is on iTunes.

Oh, cool. And, yeah, I made it in Atlanta a couple of years ago. And it's a production company. It's their first feature film. Oh, neat. And it is kind of amazing what they did with the first feature film. They did a really great job. Were they waiting to release it until their star booked a lucrative recurring gig on a successful family sitcom?

I think that was a happy accident for them we will not release this film until you become successful which was great because before that i was like i don't really want this but then after that pressure i was like okay i'll take this network job for the movie that i shot earlier yes yeah i did it purely for these guys in atlanta what shorts of for these guys in Atlanta. What sorts of horrors are in this movie? Well, that is... Can you say? That's the interesting thing about this movie.

It is a lot of different horrors. It's a grab bag, honestly. Kind of an omnibus? Yes. It's everything from hill people to cults to ghosts to tortured past to twins and cyclical. It's a lot. I will say it's a lot.

I called the director. Before I went to do the movie, I called the director because I read the script and was like, I don't know what happens. Listen, I love everything about this movie except for I don't comprehend any of it. Yeah. And I was like, I think I'm smarter than your average bear on the reader side. I'm like, but what exactly happens at the end of this film? Sure. And we had this great talk.

And honestly, that's the story he wanted to tell. He didn't want you to know exactly what happened when you finished it. He wanted there to be this air of mystery. There's this actual location in Atlanta that they wrote it for. It's this burned down prison out near the airport that actually just exists out there. And that was the genesis of the idea was how could this have burned down and what would have happened. And so after we had this conversation, I called my agent. He goes, do you get it now? And I said, absolutely not. But I really like these guys and I want to make this movie.

Burned down prison by the airport. That sounds like a fun place if you're a teen to go and have your first beer. I think that's a lot of what happens there. I also think there's a lot of like first heroin, just judging by all of the needles on the ground. It was the scariest location I've ever shot in. And we art directed almost none of it because we didn't have to. You show up, point a camera. Pretty much. A lot of times I've directed, again, it because we didn't have to. You show up, point a camera. Pretty much.

A lot of times, I've directed, again, you don't know this about me, I've directed a lot of films. And I usually tell my art department, get out there with those syringes, you know. Give them a little of the old, you know, seed it. I like to call it seeding the ground. Because usually they're super light-handed with the syringe use. Exactly. It's called seeding the ground with used syringes. Because usually they're super light-handed with the syringe use. Yeah, exactly.

And I think be generous. A generous dollop of syringes. Agreed. Don't be stingy. Yeah, why? You know what I mean? Like sour cream on nachos. Exactly.

You want a nice. Nice dollop. You want a nice dollop. You know, look, guacamole's extra. I know that. I've got a buck. Yeah. Dump it a buck. Yeah. Dump it on there.

Yeah. Johnny Nachos. That's my filmmaking philosophy. I think you're right. You know what, though, Chelsea? At the end of the day, I'm really just a storyteller. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Oh, Chelsea, I don't think you even said the name of this thing. It's called Bleed. Oh, okay. Yes. God damn. Which really makes it sound like a slasher flick, and it's not. There are points where that kind of stuff happens, but it's not like Saw.

It's not like a really kind of bloody, gory type of thing. It's more of a thriller until it gets into that realm in the end. So that's one thing people have said online. They're like, there's not a lot of blood. Why is it called that? But it kind of gets there. What? It's a slow burn.

It gets there. We start with the dollop of syringes and we work our way into the blood. Now, is the idea that the actual place you shot this in is actually haunted? Do people say that or is that? People do say that or is that people do say that um and a lot of our film crew had really eerie experiences and such there um i just thought it was creepy as all get out i it just it just you know you back up sometimes you're shooting my character was alone for a lot of the film the other it's one of those things where a group of

people go to explore this prison and as you do in a horror film and i'm separated from them and end up being drawn my storylines kind of separate and then end up there at the prison in the end and what so when i shot there i was always away from everyone else and i'd back up so far like out of the frame so they could shoot something where i looked super isolated but there were a couple times where we just didn't have a pa over by me for whatever reason. And then I'd back up far enough to where I couldn't see them. And then I'd hear the director like over walk. He'd go, all right, no. Act really scared or this or that.

And I'd just be like, we're good. Go ahead and roll. Someone's filming me, right? This is the most terrifying place I've ever been. I will start screaming soon. Pretty much, yeah. I'm pretty sure I hear a ghost dog barking. Yeah.

Were you afraid that you would just kind of go out there into the shadows and then everybody would just pack? Pretty much, yeah. I'm pretty sure I hear a ghost dog barking. Yeah. Were you afraid that you would just kind of go out there into the shadows and then everybody would just pack up and go home? I don't know what. I mean, sometimes in a location like that, I'm not some – I'm like too in the box to really believe in ghosts and whatnot. But I definitely had some moments on that. I don't know what exactly I was afraid of. Maybe just other people, you know, getting far away enough from the crew. Junkies. Yeah, junkies. Sure, for instance. Whoever the owner of the syringes were. Could have been diabetics or something.

It could have been. To be fair. Just a weird place to take your insulin. Yeah. Because sometimes you don't want to do it in front of your friends. It's that time again. Listen, I don't know. I read about this in USA Today, You go in front of your friends. It's that time again. Prison time. Listen, I don't know. I read about this in USA Today, but there are diabetic urban adventurers where they just, you know, they go to the parts of the city that people aren't in. And they bring sugar-free candy.

Yeah. Sometimes you get low. You need to pop in a Werther's, take some insulin, and then continue your exploration. Thank God I didn't know that at the time. Or I wouldn't have been scared and there'd just be nothing in the film. Yeah. I think, yeah, maybe the genuine terror you have. Yeah.

That is something to fill up the emptiness inside you. Yeah. I'm glad that I didn't. The director probably had a little moment with the DP and the rest of the cast. Like, listen, we all know this place is – only people coming to this place are diabetic adventurers. Right. Let's not tell Chelsea that. Yeah.

Let's let her think that it's populated by strung out desperate drug addicturers. Right. Let's not tell Chelsea that. Yeah. Let's let her think that it's populated by, you know, strung out, desperate drug addicts. Yeah. And we'll get that real performance. And I think it was

the right choice. I think he did the right thing. You know what? I think you would have been great either way. Oh, thank you. If one of the diabetics, you know how you can go

into like a diabetic fugue state? Mm-hmm. I don't know a lot about diabetes. But I think you can go diabetes mad. Yeah, sure. In which case – I've heard that too.

If that happened to me, I would likely attack an actress. Sure. I think that's your only option. Yeah. That's what Wilford Brimley says. Yeah, it's the only thing to quiet the sugar demons. If you need to quiet the screeching of the sugar demons. We all have actress friends and we all we all know what happens to them.

Yeah. I know my days are numbered. Jordan doesn't. He's from West Hollywood, but I do. Right. Yeah. Where I only know. Yeah.

You know, Aztec dancers. Yeah. Aztec ballmen. Yeah. And guys who airbrush the sides of vans. Sure. The kinds of men I know. Yeah, absolutely.

Are there other kinds of men? I mean, in theory, I've read about them in USA Today, but I've never met any of them myself. Have you ever read about them in U.S. News and World Report? Oh, I don't read that. Oh, The Economist? No, I'm not gay. Okay. I'm sorry. I don't read that. Oh, The Economist? No, I'm not gay. Okay. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to. Oh, no. And I'm just not a bad thing. I'm just saying. Number one, I think that's a great thing to be. Sure. Me too. So then it sounded homophobic to me, Jordan.

No. This is just a factual thing. I didn't want to lead you down a pipe or a can where you just assumed. All homosexuals or just gay men read U.S. News and World Report. I mean, yeah, I think the whole community. The whole community. Yeah, the whole community. LGBT.

QI. QI. All of those letters, U.S. News and World Report. From what I've been led to believe. Is it possible that you're thinking of the advocate? Oh, shit. Yeah, U.S. News and World Report. From what I've been led to believe. Is it possible that you're thinking of The Advocate? Oh, shit. Yeah, you're right. Okay, well, that explains it.

You're right. You were confusing U.S. News and World Report with Gay and Lesbian Interest Magazine. I'm sorry, Butt Magazine. No, Jordan. Yeah. No. That's something, right? No.

There's Butt Magazine? Yes, I think that's like something, right? No. There's butt magazine? Yes, I think that's like a gay magazine. Butt magazine is a gay magazine? Brian, would you Google butt magazine and see what comes up? If I'm making this up, it's great. Open up a private window, please. That's a shared computer. Go to reply all, butt magazine.

Oh, yeah, it's real. It's real. He says it's real. Well, that's confirmed. Sure. That's confirmed. Looks like a cool- Oh, that looks like a cool magazine. Well, yeah, it's real. It's real. He says it's real. Well, that's confirmed. Sure. That's confirmed. Looks like a cool magazine from the website. It's just their website is a pink field, a pink or light purple field, and in black letters, I don't know what font that is, it says butt.

This is like Bitch Magazine or Bust Magazine. I think so. Hebe Magazine. Yeah. It's a kind of an irreverent edgy an edgy irreverent

take on the subject matter. From what I understand. Is the subject matter butts? I should hope so. I don't know. I mean, I only read USA Today. It sounds like

it sounds like a nice magazine. It does. Can I tell this sage story? Newsweek? No, I don't. Okay. No.

I'm sorry. No, I'm not an Eskimo. Sorry. That's a real Newsweek. Sorry. I don't. Okay. No. I'm sorry. No, I'm not an Eskimo. Sorry. That's a real Newsweek. Sorry. I believe they prefer to be called Inuits, but go ahead. Again, I'm sorry. I'm Sage.

I just remember when I had my dumpiest apartment, my dumpiest LA apartment. It was the first one that I could afford to live in by myself, but also the worst. So not the one that you lived in with the woman who drove the red bull van no it's not even a van the red bull like two-door kia yeah my first my first roommate my first specifically the opposite of my first roommate in la was a craigslist person and she was she drove the like monster energy party kia or something yeah that's awesome yeah the idea that monster had a kia is so amazing that that's that they were like what's the appropriate car for the monster brand i mean it was raised oh okay and had i didn't realize it

had an enormous energy drink on the back oh oh i i saw this car you You know this vehicle. This is in like the mid-2000s or somewhere in there? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Yes, it was not her. It was not our buddy Lauren from college. But this was the first time I could live on my own and have this apartment.

But, you know, kind of a dump, weird street, weird neighbors. And, you know, like always got a kind of a variety of reactions when i would bring people over like uh you know just kind of depending on you know the kind of living conditions the other person had sometimes you know people thought it was real you know cool and and and different but also there were some people who were like oh really gross uh and i remember uh bringing a woman over for the first time and kind of like, you know, well, here it is. And just remember her looking around and going like, we need to burn some sage in here. And then we left, went to Whole Foods, bought sage, and she would not hang out in there until we had thoroughly saged the place.

I believe it's called smelting. Yes. So what – I'm an expert on sage, but I've not done it myself. So what all is involved? You inject it. Okay. Right. You cook it in a spoon.

Between the toes. So your boss doesn't see the track marks. You know, it's just, we bought just these sage bundles, like asparagus. You would just buy them and they're all like, you know, rubber banded together. But for seasoning food, right? No, I think so. Yeah. I don't know if this was for seasoning or for...

Smoping? Yeah, for making a dude's apartment less gross. Uh-huh. And I don't know why... It's supposed to get rid of bad vibes, isn't it? Yeah, it's supposed to cleanse or something. I think it was, yeah, I think it was less about the smell of the apartment,

which could have been foul, but I think it was. Yeah, I think she felt, maybe like you felt in that abandoned hospital of like this. There's an evil presence here. Ghost dog. And before me and this guy sit down to watch a movie and then start to make out 20 minutes into it, I need to get rid of the evil that is in this apartment. Can I say one thing? Yes.

I've talked a few times about ghost dogs. I want to be clear that I'm talking about literal ghost dogs and not Forrest Whitaker, star of the film Ghost Dog, Way of the Samurai. I'm so glad you clarified that because I definitely thought it was Forrest. No, I'm just talking about actual ghost dogs. Go ahead, Drew. No, I think that's it. So yeah, we bought the sage bundles and then just kind of lit the tips

and then she would kind of lit the tips. And then she would kind of shake them around, would kind of like flounce around the apartment. That's what I'm curious about. Did she say anything or is it just the ritual of? I don't remember any chanting. Okay. But, yeah, I did let some blood. Yeah.

Well, you're on a date. Just to be polite. Yeah. Yeah. You want to seem like, hey, I'm open. I'm available. My hum to be polite. Yeah. Yeah. You want to seem like, hey, I'm open. I'm available. My humors are balanced. Sure.

I don't want to move too fast, but, you know, I'm open to something more. Are you interested in some black bile? Sure. Right. Exactly. The bilious humor. Yes. If you have too much phlegm, we can rectify that. Are you excessively phlegmatic?

Sure. Well, I'm glad to hear it. I mean, do you feel like it worked? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I don't think I'm real receptive to vibes. Uh-huh. So, but I will say this. Yes, please do.

Could have been a lot of things. Could have been, you know, there was genuinely something funky or foul about the place. Could have been that, you know, maybe, you know, she was a little privileged and just like, you know, was having a hard time, you know, being in a place that's a little more, you know, like lower, you know, lower middle class, a little more urban or something. Sure. Like when my middle school classmate visited and asked if I was scared all the time. Sure. That could have been it.

But I will say that post-sage burning, I was not possessed once in that apartment. Not even one time? No, the devil never entered into me, never told me to kill. Yeah, it was just, I was able to maintain control over my consciousness until I moved.

Did you do any recreational exorcisms? Oh, yeah. I mean, I would, you know, invite the devil into me. Uh-huh. I guess I should have said that. That's different, though. I was right where, yeah, that was a voluntary. That's an invitational completely.

Yeah, it was a voluntary thing. But, yeah, I was never involuntarily possessed by the devil. Oh. Well, I mean, that sounds like a great apartment to me. Yeah. Was it rent controlled? Oh, you know it. So you're all set.

You know it, baby. You're all set. Was it rent controlled before this aging? Oh, you know, that might have been what done. You know it, baby. You're all set. Was it rent controlled before the saging? Oh, you know, that might have been what done it. Yeah, that might have been. Yeah. I had to take a picture of myself saging and then mail it to City Hall. The West Hollywood City Council had a long discussion about what apartments do and don't get rent control.

Sure. They're like, OK, well, now that we've solved the issue of whether or not meters will be free on Cesar Chavez Day, we now need to move on to the issue more than five succulents, that's rent-controlled. Almond milk is rent-controlled. Yeah. Just the immediate vicinity, not the whole apartment. And if there's like a pre-Christian forest demon that's been there more than 5,000 years, rent-control. But not just sprites.

If you just have sprites. Oh, no, no, no. These are demons. No, no, no. Sprites are no, no, no. These are demons. No, no, no. Sprites are. A lot of times people will bring that to my tenants rights meetings. They'll say I've got sprites. And I hate to tell them.

I mean that sounds like a blast. Sounds like a great time. Even if you have sprites and gnomes. Sure. We're talking about demons specific. We're focusing in on demons. A servant of Satan. Yeah,

and they should be pre-Christian as well. Yeah, ideally. Yeah, like Norse. That would be a shirt. Norse. Would be an example. Yeah.

That's a good culture. Well, if you have sprites, I mean, that's reward enough. That is. You don't need to have a rent-controlled apartment. If you have sprites, like, you're already

having a ball. Yeah, they're fun. One of my favorite forest creatures, definitely. They're up there. Not the favorite, but one of. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, that's got to be goblins. When we're talking forest creatures, it's got to be goblins.

I don't think you even needed to say it. We knew. No, I know. Again, I'm putting a hat on a hat here. Can I tell you what my number three is rabbits oh yeah well i don't i think those are those are not from the magical world those are just natural creatures from earth yeah we were just talking about forest creatures yeah but they're from another plane they're from another plane of existence number one is sprites number two is goblins. And number three is

rabbits. Well, those are from our Earth. I don't know if you've seen rabbits. I've seen rabbits. I know what a rabbit is. They've got some rabbits, Chelsea. They have some rabbits. I think Chelsea's probably seen rabbits. At my son's preschool, they have three rabbits.

Here's the thing about rabbits. Not only do they hop instead of walking, they also have these ears. You will not believe this. When you see these ears, Chelsea, you are going to shit your fucking pants. God, I hope I'm somewhere safe. They are so soft. So tall, these ears. Long and thin. And you just want to put ears, and long and thin.

And you just want to put your lips on him and go. I wouldn't do that. Your son loves when you come to class, huh? I'm sorry. Sorry about my dad. Your mother will have to pick you up from that one because she's the member of your family that isn't putting the pets in her mouth. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chelsea Crisp, sage expert. Yeah, she was ready. She was ready. Hey, we have a sponsor on this week's program, Jordan. Let's hear about it. It's our friends at Backblaze.

Jordan and Jesse Goh, supported in part by Backblaze, a personal and business backup for Mac and PCs. You know, I actually use this, Jordan. You do. You're not just its celebrity spokesman, but you're also a loyal customer. I am. Number one, I'm its celebrity spokesman. I've booked the Super Bowl advertisements that they'll be placing.

Great. But I'm also a long-time both home and business user of Backblaze, and I love it. Yeah, they have unlimited online backup for documents, music, photos, videos, and all of your data, and it's already been used to restore over 10 billion files. Yeah, you can get access to all of your files from

anywhere you've got internet, plus there's apps for your phone for both iPhone and Android, so you can access them on the go. So Jordan Jesse Go listeners can get a free two-week trial, no credit card required, by going to backblaze.com slash

Jordan Jesse Go. And it's cheap too. It's five bucks per computer and you can back up everything that you've got on that computer. It's awesome. Like I said, I've had to use it. As a man who has recently dumped a glass of water on his computer, I sure wish I knew about Backblaze. Here's what was happening, Jesse. Yeah?

Sounds like maybe you were drinking a glass of water. I had my computer on my coffee table. Yeah. Had my computer. Sounds like maybe you were drinking a glass of water. Had my computer on my coffee table. Right. Glass of water, you know, responsible distance away. Mm-hmm. Cat comes on the table. Oh, jeez.

Starts dunking a little paw in there. Come on, bug. First of all, I'm drinking that. Yeah. Second of all, you got your own water. Right. Third of all, this bitch is going to spill some water on my computer. Yeah. Not technically a bitch. It's a cat but

continue. Well I'm just she that's listen we're friends so I could use that term of endearment around her. Got it. She's my ride or die bitch. Got it. So you're using it in the hip hop sense as a term of endearment. Well in the fast and furious sense yes. Got it.

So I gently take this glass of water from her and I'm transferring it over to my other hand and as I am moving it to the other side that the cat is not on, I just spilled the whole thing on my hand. No. If anything, Jordan, that's too fast, too furious. Yeah,

sure. It was a real Tokyo drift if you ask me. Oh, no. Backblaze.com slash JordanJesseGo for your free two-week trial. And, yeah, again, I'm endorsing it because I've been using it for a long time, and I really like it. It saved my butt on a couple of occasions. Yeah. So there you go. I also want to mention a brand-new podcast in the MaxFun Network.

Let's hear about it. Please. I also want to mention a brand new podcast in the Max Fund Network. Let's hear about it. Please. Well, I know that a lot of Jordan Jesse Go listeners, a lot of Jordan Jesse Go listeners are white-collar professionals. A lot of our listeners are students. But we also have a really big audience in rural communities.

Yeah, sure. And so Maximum Fund has just added a really amazing new podcast called the Beef and Dairy Network. really amazing new podcast called the Beef and Dairy Network. It's designed specifically for farmers and specifically for folks with an interest in the bovine world. So if you're interested in cows, if you're interested in steer, if you're interested in cheese, if you're interested in steaks, if you're interested in just any kind of ruminant, the Beef and Dairy Network is a really brilliant new podcast. It's informative. It's honestly, in my opinion, and I mean if you say to me, Jesse, I understand it's informative, but why did you add it to Maximum Fun?

I also think it's a lot of fun. Okay. Seems like people should download it. It's something that is worth checking out. I just want to mention it. It's worth checking out. Okay. Seems like people should download it. It's something that is worth checking out. I just want to mention it. It's worth checking out. Okay. There you go.

That's it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, point detective. Chelsea Crisp, sage expert. Jordan, I'm not going to ask Chelsea this question. She can answer it if she wants to. I don't want to be invasive.

Sure. What are you looking at on a monthly basis with regard to... Dick size. Monthly? Yeah. $9.99, same as Hulu. Okay, got it. Same as Hulu, huh? Yeah.

My dick is the size that Hulu costs per month. And my dick can get you everything. It gets you Saturday Night Live, The Mindy Project. Number two. All new episodes. Really? So all the latest episodes that otherwise you would have to watch TV, does it have Fresh Off the Boat?

I mean, it's my dick, isn't it? Yeah. That's a good point. That's a really good point. What are we talking about? We were talking about, let's see. Oh, we were talking about utilities. What are you paying in utilities on a monthly basis?

I know you, look, I know you've got a green LEED certified. Sure. Maybe my gas bill is $18 a month and my utilities are – it comes on a three-month basis. I bet it's $30 or $40 a month. What if I told you this, Jordan? And you know what? I'm going to tell you too, Chelsea, because you're here. Thank you. We're having a lot of fun chatting with you.

Chelsea, because you're here. Thank you. We're having a lot of fun chatting with you. What if I told you that I've owned my house for three and a half years and until last week had never paid a utility bill? What? How did that happen? I have no fucking idea. I have no idea.

And it was such a burden on me because on the one hand, I did not want to pay utility bills. And I wasn't sure if maybe for some reason I didn't have to. But I didn't want to check. Yeah, because then what if they just start billing you? Right. Exactly. What if I was bringing the hammer of Thor down upon myself when that was unnecessary? Sure.

And I'm usually a pretty honest man, but I decided this was a sin of omission rather than a sin of commission and that was okay. And it's been years. It's, as I said, been really weighing. I felt guilt about it. And did you discuss it with your wife at all? Are you getting the bills? Have you seen them? Teresa, we were getting a bill for water, I think.

Yeah. Something. We were getting some small part of it, but we don't have gas, and we were not getting an electric bill. I think maybe we were getting a trash bill, and we were not getting electric or water bills, something like that. And at some point, a man from the Department of Water and Power came to our home. When we first moved in, he filled out a little tag that's attached to our meter. to our home. When we first moved in, he filled out a little tag that's attached to our meter.

Every couple months, I'd go outside, take a look at that tag, and see if anything had changed. I wondered if maybe I had accidentally locked him out. Maybe he died in your yard. Exactly. Maybe he hit his head or something. This meter man has been decomposing.

You're the last person who saw him alive. For sure. He never turned that report in. You're the last person who saw him alive. For sure. Like he never turned that report in. You owe it to his family to exhume his body. He went straight from my house to a burned out prison. 100%. And so anyway, it's been weighing on me for all these years. I've thought often, should I bring this up on Jordan Jesse Jesse, go, that I've never gotten an electrical bill.

Well, the city does listen to this. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I don't know. Does Antonio Villaraigosa listen to this? I don't know. Does Eric Garcetti listen to this? Sure.

I don't know. Does Councilman something something listen to this? Yeah. A councilman? Oh, you know. His name I can't remember? Eric Garcetti does listen and he comments on Reddit. He's Goku420. Councilman something something, listen to this. Yeah. A councilman whose name I can't remember? Oh, you know, Eric Garcetti does listen and he comments on Reddit.

He's Goku420. Wait, Goku420? Yeah, it's Eric Garcetti. Is councilman Eric, former councilman, now mayor, Eric Garcetti, the bicycle mayor? Yeah. That's him. Ain't that something? Yeah.

So you made the right choice to not bring it up until now that you're being billed, it sounds like now? Well, I didn't make the right choice to bring it up as it turns out because I had thought – like literally I was thinking of fucking strategies. I was like what if I posted an anonymous question on Ask Metafilter that says, hey, anybody else never get an electrical bill? And like the utilities at my house are very questionable you should post it on yahoo answers and then someone will just comment fuck me daddy the um is that what goes out on yahoo answers there is this matter it's just super hateful yeah there there is a gas line to my house. I would say fuck me daddy is the opposite of hateful.

Yeah. It's one or the other. It's quite loving. Yeah. That's actually what they train diplomats to say to visiting foreign territories. This is the distinguished gentleman from the Ivory Coast. Fuck me daddy. It's usually something you wouldn't hear outside of a white tie gala.

Something where there are a lot of military men wearing medals. Colorful medals. Now it's something that teenagers tweet to Garrett Topp. Cote d'Ivoire. It's something that teenagers tweet to Garrett Topp. Oh, DeVois. So before my family lived in our house, a man had owned the house for some decades. And by the end of it, like the last 10 or 15 years, he was not having any utilities in the house. 10 or 15 years he was not having any utilities in the house and i from from what i heard by the end he was like living outside of the house because the house was so full of stuff oh okay um and

like we saw what the house was like because we used to live sort of next door and and when we moved in next door our landlord was like he said to us like, oh, there's that house. That's never going to get fixed. But then eventually it did get fixed. So there's like this – there's a gas line to our house but it's too small to legally turn on because it's like a gas line from 1925. And there's these weird – the sewer lines run downhill through this elderly Scientology – Scientologist couple's house who keep threatening to sue us. That doesn't sound like them. I know. I know. Well, they threatened me.

They threatened me. We talked about this on the live, Jordan and Jesse. They threatened me. They didn't want to threaten my wife because they didn't want to imprint any negative engrams on our unborn child. Oh, that's nice of them. It was.

It was very thoughtful. Yeah, that's generous. So there's all these weird things. And so like when the electrical guy came by, it was the first thing ever. And I thought maybe they just lost, they just forgot that they had turned it on until I got a bill for $4,000.

No, no. So they were, this is being kept track of somewhere. Yeah. They were just lying in wait. So, and what's amazing is it's not like they sent a bill that said, you sneaky fuck. You could have called us at any time in the last three and a half years to tell us that you weren't, you know, whatever. And it's not like they sent a bill that said, hey, sorry, we haven't checked your meter in three and a half years.

Yeah, just a bill. They just sent me a regular DWP bill. And you're supposed to write a check for $4,000, put a stamp on it. Yeah. Fucking, with just a regular, like, please pay it off within 30 days. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or whatever.

What, are you going to dispute it? Are you just going to throw in a personal check and put it in the mailbox? It's not bad per month. Yeah, that's a good point. Oh, yeah. The per month is not terrible. I have to say.

Worth mentioning that Chelsea Crisp was getting out her phone. I'm like, oh, maybe she's got a, you know, she's got a call. Important text message. You know, she's got to be somewhere after this. She was literally calculating what Jesse would have to pay for a month. Yeah, I just wanted to know if it was

fair. $83.3333. I mean, if you take that $4,000 and divide it by four years' worth, it's not terrible. Especially when you consider we're looking at all electric. Electric heating, electric air conditioner, electric stove, electric deep freeze. That's for the utility man's body.

Yeah. Sounds like you killed this guy, Jesse. I did. Yeah, no, of course I did. What's unfortunate is that you killed him and you're still getting billed. I know. Like if you killed him and never got the bill, all's fair. Who's the guy that got killed and not get an electricity bill around here?

Santa Claus. You've seen Tim Allen's The Santa Claus, right? Is that what that was about? Yeah, it's about if you kill Santa, you become him, but also you don't have to pay your electrical bills

because your house is powered by magic from now on. He murdered Santa Claus in that movie? And I have not seen the Santa Claus since childhood. Right. But from what I understand,

the magical rules in this world are if you kill Santa... It's a group of elderly people and there's a magical pool that they climb into. No, you're thinking of elderly

hot tub orgy 3. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was a teen when I watched that. Never mind. From what I remember about the Santa Claus, the magical rules are, if you kill Santa, you become him, much like a Highlander.

Right. There can be only one. Right. I don't think you have to remove the head. Okay. Like in Highlander. Right. And somehow-

Did you write, in middle school, did you write a compare and contrast essay about the Highlander and the Santa Claus? Yeah. And a lot of people will do like, you know, Walden and Cannery Row. Right. Sure. I did the Santa Claus and Highlander. That know, Walden and Cannery Row. Right, sure. I did the Santa Claus and Highlander. That's because Walden's been done. Yeah.

You know, something original. Sure. Let's hear an in-bit analysis of Highlander 2, The Quickening. Yeah. So, I think what happens in this movie is that Tim Allen, who is an oaf or a buffoon. Really? What is he, like a real man's man? Yeah.

But a buffoonish? He means well, but he's not real sensitive. Got it. So he's a little oblivious. And a little homophobic. Yes, and homophobic. But a fun grunter. Yeah, got it.

I don't know if he grunts in the Santa Claus. Really? Does that? Chelsea, you have some thoughts? I don't know. I'm just, I don't know if he grunts into Santa Claus. Really? Does that – Chelsea, you have some thoughts? I don't know. I'm just – I don't know if he grunted it. I'm just wondering if he killed Santa Claus in the first act, how do you redeem that character? How do you get on that guy's side? I think that's his –

You save the cat. Yeah. I think that's his journey. I think he accidentally killed Santa. I don't think it's a homicide. Oh. Okay. He's just shooting at his homemade Santa-shaped fire.

Right. Yeah. Right. And Santa wandered onto the firing range. Yeah. Okay. Then I can get behind that guy. Oh, I shot a real Santa.

Yeah. But, I mean, I think that in a lot of ways, Tim Allen's character in The Santa Claus really foreshadowed the anti-heroes in premium cable that would come after him. Mm-hmm. I definitely think, yeah. Tony Soprano, Walter White. Exactly. Paved the road for Breaking Bad. the anti-heroes in premium cable that would come after him. Mm-hmm. Tony Soprano, Walter White. Exactly. Paved the road for Breaking Bad.

He was the first. It's like, can we grow to love this flawed man? Mm-hmm. And I think the answer was yes. Mm-hmm. So I don't know. I don't know if... What are we talking about? Your utility bill?

Yeah. So I got to pay $4,000. Yeah. So what's your course of action? I mean, I guess I just got to cut them a check. I don't know. Like, you can't not pay your utility bill, right? Yeah, I think you just have to pay it or they'll probably send it to collections.

And I mean, I owe it to them. Sure. You know what I mean? You know what? Here's what you do. Yeah. Treat it like the cable company. Uh-huh.

Give them a call. Yeah. Say, listen, I got this bill. Yeah. I'm going to pay it. Yeah. Can I listen, I got this bill. Yeah. I'm going to pay it. Yeah. Can I get Showtime? Can I get Showtime?

Because, you know, they realize. How much I love. That you can cut the cord and start using whale oil. Uh-huh. Yeah. That's the Hulu equivalent. Yeah. You can get Hulu and you can use whale oil lanterns.

Yeah, you can get Hulu and you can use whale oil lanterns. This is my chance to leverage, use this as an opportunity to watch Masters of Sex more consistently. Yeah, sure. As it airs rather than on home video. They should believe that you're not bluffing because it sounds like the guy who lived there before fully did it. Like cut the cord, never paid. It's just cord cutters. I mean, that's the thing. The power, the electrical power, the municipal electrical power utility industry

is really figuring out what to do about these millennial cord cutters who are living in tents under tarps. In yurts. With solar panels. Yeah. You know, these millennials will just, you know, much like Thoreau from Highlander 2, The Quickening.

Right. Or Condor Man from the film Condor Man. Sure. We'll just pack up a yurt, move to the forest, and just lay on their back and just look up at the clouds and remember the 90s. And I think that's the millennial way and i think the power companies see that coming so remember how fuzzy those cardigans were oh man remember how warm i used to be in the 90s hanging out indoors watching snick jordan isn't that a little bit cliched

it is a little bit at this point isn't it cliched to talk about how warm the 90s were that's true yeah we get it

okay Hanson Backstreet Boys warmth warmth rubbing water yeah hot and cold

oh yeah these are times before Elon Musk came into our lives we'll be back pre-Musk a pre-Musk time yeah yeah we'll be back Hot and cold. Oh, yeah. These are times before Elon Musk came into our lives. Pre-Musk. A pre-Musk time. Pre-Musk. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Allegra Ringo, a dog owner. And I'm Renee Colbert, a dog wanter. And we host a show called Can I Pet Your Dog? The podcast for unapologetic dog lovers. You can find us every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. So, what is this? Is this just a podcast where all we do is talk about dogs? Sort of. We definitely have a segment called Dogs We Met This Week,

where we tell you about, you know, dogs we met this week. We also have a segment called Dog Heroes, as well as Cool Dog Tech and Stupid Dog Tech. We also have some of your favorite celebrities. Lin-Manuel Miranda, who did Hamilton, has been a guest. We've got Leslie Margarita. We've had Nicole Byer, Ann Wheaton. All the best dog-related celebrities. So check us out

every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes. Can I pet your dog? Can I pet your dog? Renee and Allegra. C-I-P-Y-D. Yeah! It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chelsea Crisp, sage expert. Okay, we've got breakingh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chelsea Crisp, sage expert. Okay, we've got breaking news. I'm going to recap this real quick before we go down on the break. I'm just going to give you a quick rundown of the conversation that went down on the break. School bus anecdotes. Now, first of all, we had a nice chat about Phoenix, Arizona. That's where Chelsea's from.

True story. It's hot there. Very. Have you been to Alice Cooper's restaurant? No, which is nuts. I don't know why. That's where Chelsea's from. True story. It's hot there. Very. Have you been to Alice Cooper's restaurant? No, which is nuts. I don't know why. That's ridiculous. Now it sounds like

I'm not really from Phoenix. Yeah. But I've not been there. Do you still have family? Yeah. And I'm going to be there this weekend, so I'll go.

Go to Alice Cooper's restaurant, Cooperstown. Yeah. Which celebrates Alice Cooper's three loves, metal, golf, and baseball. Mm-hmm. Alice Cooper loves baseball?

Yeah. I mean, that's why it's called Cooperstown. I thought it was called Cooperstown because his name's Cooper. Oh, no. I think it has a dual meaning. Oh. Yeah. So it's named after Alice Cooper and also former brewer slugger Cecil Cooper?

Yeah. Got it. Yeah. So it is a confusing place. Mm-hmm. And you should go. Okay. So I was in the middle of a recap, Jordan.

I'm known for my recaps, just like Linda Holm. Well, I'm known for interjecting and asking people if they've gone to Alice Cooper's restaurant every time I hear that they've been to Phoenix. Got it. Because it was the most fun I've ever had in my fucking life is when I went to Alice Cooper's restaurant in Phoenix. Look, by the time I get to Phoenix is a song. Okay. So, yeah, so we talked a I get to Phoenix is a song. Okay. So, yes, we talked a little bit about Phoenix, how hot it is.

I had to wait for a bus there. I saw No Hitter there once. Chelsea used to get really sweaty on the school bus because it was not insufficiently air-conditioned. Well, it was not air-conditioned at all. It was just like, you know, windows that opened out to more hotness. No, all places in Phoenix should be air conditioned. Yeah.

If anything, you should go to school in an ice truck. For sure. Whatever ice trucks they stopped using, when ice trucks stopped being necessary, they should have turned into school buses for the children of Phoenix, Arizona. I completely agree. Then I said to Brian, well, how's Elizabeth Hurley doing? And of course, Elizabeth Hurley works on the same television show as Brian The Royals on the E! Entertainment television network. Then he said oh she's doing fine.

Then Jordan what did you say? Because this is fun. I said how's Elizabeth Berkley doing? Yeah so they're both called Elizabeth. And now I had no idea I had no idea this was going to be a fertile ground in which to plant the seed of imagination. But here it comes. I say, I bet she's doing great because she has such a great attitude about her legacy.

Now, that's just an impression I have. That's not a firsthand observation of any kind. Now, hold on, because we have Chelsea Crisp here. Chelsea Crisp is not only the hilarious honey on the ABC sitcom Fresh Off the Boat, Something Nights at Something on ABC. Tuesday nights at 8 o'clock on ABC? Tuesday nights at 8 o'clock on ABC. It's a great show uh she's not just the star of bleed uh the legendary slasher film available on itunes

now not quite a slasher can i watch it tuesday nights at eight no okay 8 30 go for it okay okay i'll finish up pressure off the boat and then i'll start up bleed okay that sounds like a fun fuck you the goldbergs yeah no no it no. It's a, oh my gosh. It's such a great show. It's the Martha Plimpton show now. That's. The other one. The Muppets.

No, no. It's not the Muppets anymore. It's the new. The one about the Catholic family. Yeah. That's the one. That's the, why can't I remember the name of it? The Ohulahans.

I'm going to get fired. No, that's okay. The Rio O'Neils. The Rio O'Neils. The Rio O'Neils. It is so genuinely, this is not because, just because I work for ABC, it is so fucking funny. So funny. I don't know if I can say the F word, but I mean it.

They pay you to be on that show? Yeah. Sometimes. That's impressive. I'm impressed. Okay, listen. Okay. So wait.

Here's our Tuesday night. We're watching Fresh Off the Boat first. Obviously. We're tuning in afterwards for the Martha Plimpton program. Martha Plimpton. 830 on ABC. Afterwards, we're staying tuned for the Goldbergs written by our good friend,

Andy Secunda. Sure. I would hate it. But that's on Wednesdays. But yeah. So we're setting our DVRs on Tuesdays. Two nights. Making sure we're setting a,

we're making a mental note to DVR the Goldbergs. Every Tuesday night at nine, I DVR the Goldbergs Wednesday nights on ABC. So our Mondays and our Tuesdays and our Wednesdays are spoken for. Tuesday, we're going to iTunes for Thorne on Bleed. Yeah, absolutely. Now this is not a week. No matter what. Monday and Friday, no television.

Magazines only. No matter what some honey-throated broadcaster told you. This isn't a slasher week. No matter what. Monday and Friday, no television. Magazines only. No matter what some honey-throated broadcaster told you. This isn't a slasher film. Sure, you get some cuts and slashes at the end, but it's more of a thriller. It's more of a thriller most of the way through. And it's a little, you know, it's surprising. There's a lot of surprises in there. You don't know what's coming at you.

You don't. Literally, the script doesn't make sense. No, it does. It does. It all ties together. They just don't give that script doesn't make sense no it does it does it all ties together they just don't give that all to you and the at the end of the day the true moral of the story is the lesson that we can take home from all of this is chelsea crisp is best friends with elizabeth berkeley that's not lives in her same apartment building we We're not best friends. It was just you said she seems like she's doing well.

She has a winning attitude about her legacy. And I said I think that's true because I do know her a little bit. We do cross paths. We're neighbors. And she is so lovely. She's genuinely lovely. She's really kind. She's like the friendliest person in our building. I will say that I think that Showgirls and the Showgirls fandom has really aged really well.

And I think it's a really fun world is the world of Showgirls enthusiasts. I feel like they genuinely have a love for that movie that is impressive. And I think they like it for the right reasons. She went to something this year. I think they showed it at the Hollywood Forever Showgirl Con. Yeah. Where she's God. They showed it, I think, at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery and she went.

Oh, I think I saw lots of shaky videos of that. Did you? Yes. Yeah. It was a very popular event to take shaky videos. Yeah, absolutely. I think she has popular event to take shaky videos. Yeah, absolutely. I think she has a really great sense

of humor about it. I think she's really quite inspiring, actually. She does a lot of outreach programs for young girls and self-esteem. And I think she,

this is not coming firsthand from her. The impression I get is that probably she went through some tough stuff. I mean, it's hard to be a teenager

in this business and be on such a huge show. Sure, Saved by the Bell. Saved by the Bell, huge show. And then I think to go to that film, which was like a great screenwriter, supposed to be a great screen director. Yeah.

And then, you know, it did what it did. And I think that was, I mean, again, this is not firsthand from her. I'm just assuming that that was probably very traumatic. Yeah, I can imagine that it's tough. A thing you think is going to be your kind of entry into the world of like more serious acting turns out to be yeah weird thing that people make fun of but only appreciate yeah years later it was like believed to be this art house film like it was a huge get for her to get that role and then it just

it just became this completely different thing and i think it's full circle now to where she kind of appreciates it for what it is and does something with probably all that stuff that she experienced throughout it and kind of pays it forward, which I think is pretty great. Let me ask you a follow-up question. Sure. Chelsea, what's it like to be best friends with Elizabeth Berkley? It's like sunbathing on top of a rainbow. That's exactly, that was the literal phrase that was in my of a rainbow. That's exactly. There's a literal phrase that was in my mind. Yeah.

It's so crazy. I really, I don't know her particularly well. I would love to have her on our show, though, because our show set in the 90s. And I'm just so gunning for that because we always have these great. Berkeley walk on. I know. Right. And because she's still like just she's still freaking gorgeous and really funny.

So when you say our show, you're talking about fresh off the boat, not Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah. No, no. I'm here for good. I think I speak for everyone when I say that's a real disappointment. Sure. Chelsea, Jordan, Jesse Go. How does that sound?

It's got a ring. It sounds great. It's got a ring. It sounds like this is my microphone now. Yeah. Yeah. Third chair. Permanent third ring. It sounds like this is my microphone now. Yeah. Third chair, permanent third chair. But can you handle having another Jessie?

Which cast members of California Dreams live in your apartment? Scooter? Peppy? I don't want to. Zippo? I don't know. I'm just assuming these are the names of the characters in California Dreams. I remember the band in California Dreams.

It was Zeppo and Buko de Beppo. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. And he's a little bit chunky and he's like, hey guys, I'm all you can eat. Yeah. Like family style. Family style. Okay.

He put on his shades. Before we get to momentous occasions, I want to mention one thing, which is Max FunCon East. Tickets are on sale now. It's going to be quite an extravaganza. If you're a Jordan Jesse Go fan, you'll want to be there. If you are a fan of podcasts hosted by brothers, you'll want to be there. If you're a fan of the Pop Culture Happy Hour, you're going to want to be there. If you're a fan of brilliant stand-up comics from the East Coast, you're going to want to be there. It is Labor Day weekend in the Poconos.

MaxFunCon.com for tickets right now. And also, we've had a couple of last-minute cancellations for regular MaxFunCon, which is coming up June 10th through 12th here in Southern California. If you want to get your hands on one of those tickets, it's been sold out since like January. But if you want to get in on regular MaxFunCon, email erik, E-R-I-K, at MaximumFun.org. Eric Westra, our guy, he'll set that up for you. But MaxFunCon, the most fun you can have, all the Jordan and Jesse you can eat. Family style. You got it.

You got it. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, like you figure out that Elizabeth Berkley lives in your apartment building, we ask you to call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. The telephone number, 206- 984-4FUN. Best thing to do is put it in your phone right now. 206-984-4FUN. The best thing to do is put it in your phone right now.

206-984-4FUN. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, why don't you share our first call with us? Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Goh calling. This is Tucker calling with a momentous occasion. I just got out of jail where I was serving a two and a half week sentence for a DUI, which I'm not proud of. But in jail in Colorado, my cellmate for the duration of my stay was named Lunatic. and he was being held there on his way to prison for 21 years that he got as a result of two counts of attempted murder.

He was a Sereno, a Mexican gangster, who, if you don't know, are the mortal enemies of the Norteños, which include MS-13, the world's most dangerous gang. And not only did I not get raped by him, but also we got along famously for the duration of our stay. Okay. Thanks, guys.

Thank you for calling in that momentous occasion slash moment of shame. Let's be honest. Sure. Wow. Boy, you know, I mean, I think it's no secret that we've been doing momentous occasions a long time. And I think that, you know, maybe we approach them with a little bit of a jaded attitude. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, at a certain point, look, it was five years ago to eight years ago that we got our first, oh, I just went out in public as a different gender.

We got all of the, I just bought houses 10 years ago. And at the end of the day, most recently, sure, have we expressed a certain amount of disappointment with people trying to call in and get on the air with bullshit like, I just saw a guy with a snake around his neck? Yes, of course we have. trying to call in and get on the air with bullshit like, I just saw a guy with a snake around his neck. Yes, of course we have. That's just the reality of being podcasting veterans like us. It's 2016, baby. Or Keith and the girl. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, dude. Sure. That's another podcast. Dan Carlin and his hardcore history. You got it. Oh, my God. I love that podcast. Yeah, it's real good. It's real good.

So good. You guys should be listening to that. Man, so good. Oh got it. Oh my god, I love that podcast. Yeah, it's real good. It's real good. You guys should be listening to that. Man, so good. Oh man, that guy can really explain. Friday nights. There you go. Friday nights. Dan Garland. Hardcore history. Tuesday. Fresh off the boat. Wednesday. Goldbergs. Thursday. Bleed on iTunes. Every

Thursday. Bleed on iTunes. Watch it once a week till you die. But don't like watch the one you already bought. Buy a new one. Yeah, buy another. I don't know what it costs, but yes, pay. It's worth it. Not a lot. Fridays, Dan Carlin's Hardcore History.

Have a nice dad explain to you who from history was drunk. Like so passionately. Yeah. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I don't think I even need to tell people to do this on Saturday night because they're already doing it. But check out the BBC's History of the World in 100 Objects. There you go.

Hear about a mortar and pestle. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You got it. You got it. Yeah. I mean, I think this is, I think, like, you know, again, we hear a lot of, Chelsea, this is a recurring segment that we have every day. I've heard.

I've heard. But that was a remarkable voicemail. It was. That was, we all gasped what was his name Tucker oh I think his name was

Lunatic no no he was Lunatic Selma Sereno was named Lunatic and I guess I'm just thinking

of those scenes in movies where the person's getting out of prison and they're kind of walking out onto a dusty road you know

out to a bus stop they've got their you know clothes in a bag and you know eight bucks in their pocket or. They've got their, you know, clothes in a bag and, you know, the eight bucks in their pocket or whatever that the state gives them. And he's walking out there. For some reason, he has a cell phone.

I don't know how he has it. He just does. And he's like, you know what? He hooped it. He hooped it, right. Yes. He grabbed it out of his ass. Yeah.

Or they took it. Yeah. Charged it for the whole two and a half weeks. Oh, that's nice. So he left with a fully juiced phone. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Martha, we got the right charger for this?

I don't want to leave him. I don't want him to get out and he doesn't have any juice on the phone. Oh, it's an Android. It's an Android. All these fucking droids. All I got is lightning here. I like this. On his way to the bus stop on that dusty road, gives us a call. I like this. On his way to the bus stop on that dusty road, gives us a call.

I like that. How does that feel to know, though, that during the two and a half weeks that he – I mean, obviously a lot of soul searching to be in jail for that reason. And then to be sharing that time with this guy. The whole time in the back of his head, he's like, the second I get out of here, I'm calling Jesse and Jordan. Well, I mean, I think something maybe you don't know. I mean, this is something that I learned from watching MSNBC's Lockup, is that our podcast is traded in prison as currency. Oh, I did not know that.

Yeah, so it's like cigarettes or a vacuum-packed mackerel in that you can trade it for protection or hostess cupcakes, just like you. Siggy's, Mac's, and or hostess cupcakes, just like you. Siggy's, Max, and Go's. Sure, sure. I thought they just pumped it, like, over the airways at all times in prison. When there's a riot. As a part of, like, a rehabilitation program. Oh, the guards and the prisoners are laughing together. How could we continue to choke in club?

We're so filled with mirth. With joy. Of course we all know that scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne locks himself in the room with the PA and plays Madam Butterfly. And I think that a lot of times that same thing happened with our podcast when a graphic designer goes to jail. Exactly. And he'll sit there while the guards are banging on the door. When animators goes to jail. Exactly. And he'll sit there while the guards are banging on the door. When animators go to jail. Sure.

When librarians go to jail. That's nice. I'm glad that he had a good relationship with Lunatic. Lunatic seems like a decent guy. Presumably he was wearing a cowboy's hat. You said he was a Sorreño, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I'd be in trouble if I went to jail because they'd say, where'd you go up? I'd say 15th and Guerrero. They'd say, you know, the next thing they would say would be, uh-oh. By the ziggurat. Yeah, by the ziggurat. It's not a racial term.

It's a nasty pyramid. Yeah. I'm not racist. That was great. I'm glad that he paid his debt to society. Me too. He certainly made an awful mistake. Sure, but hopefully this is the start of a new leaf.

I mean, this is the first in what I hope will be a long series of good choices. Yes, I agree. Good luck to you. Should we, this is the first in what I hope will be a long series of good choices. Yes, I agree. Good luck to you. Should we take another call? You know what? Good luck to Lunatic, too. Yeah, good luck to Lunatic. Hopefully when you've served your time, you can come out a new man. Yeah. Let's take that next call. It's probably going to be even bigger and better than the first one.

Otherwise, Brian did a bad job of ordering them. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests, Matt in Oklahoma. Okay, pause it, please, Brian. Yeah, this is great. Yeah, Matt in Oklahoma. He's got a real early

McConaughey vibe to him. Somebody's not just walking out of jail. Yeah. I like that it started with a gentle a gentle Alright, alright, alright. It's time to call the podcast. What if it's lunatic? I like that it started with a gentle, a gentle. All right, all right, all right. All right, all right, all right. It's time to call the podcast. What if it's lunatic?

What if it's just the other side of the call? That's what lunatic sounds like. He's just calling from jail. This guy just left my cell, did not stop talking about YouTube for two and a half weeks. Hey, what's up? It's the good thing about high school girls. Hey, guess what's up? It's Louis. You know the good thing about high school girls? Hey, guess what, man? Why do motherfuckers always be set tripping?

I got caught up again. Okay, okay, press play. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests, Matt in Oklahoma. Just calling up for a momentous occasion. I was working on a paging system in a three-story office building, and I thought I was working on just two speakers in a remodeled area. And to do that, I was adjusting the volume, playing my favorite podcast, Jordan Jessica Go, over the paging system. And I played it for about 10-15 minutes, adjusting the volume, making

sure the speakers were working. When I went back to get my phone from the paging area, a man happened to come down there and say, hey, do you mind not playing your phone over the entire paging system in the office building. So instead of hitting zone that I was supposed to be playing it over, I actually hit all zones and played your podcast all over every single paging speaker in that office building. So I hope I made their day a little bit happier.

Chelsea, that is actually the story of how we became the CEO and COO of Alcoa. Congratulations, you guys. That's why we have so many new subscribers this week. I mean, Chelsea Crisp fans, of course. Fresh Off the Boat fans. Of course. Honeyheads, they're called. Coming out.

Downloading the episode. We got all the honeypots. Yeah. And yeah, I guess all the workers in this office who for five minutes were annoyed by us. I think he said like 15. I really wish he had specified like what was being discussed. Like I hope it was just so profane. I mean, yeah.

I mean, if I was to wager a guess, probably my dick. Yeah. I mean, 90%. I think, if I was to wager a guess, probably my dick. 90 percent. I think you got at least even money. Yeah. It was Jordan's Johnson being discussed. Well, yeah. I mean, I think let's just make this a call out. I mean, like, you know, again, if you're in prison, find some way to sneak into the warden's office and, you know, blast our podcast over the loudspeaker. And I, if you've seen The Longest Yard, which I have, I'm not trying to brag about my prison acumen.

Sure. If you've seen The Longest Yard, you know that the best way to get power in the prison is to seduce Bernadette Peters. So that's my recommendation. Yeah. But yeah, wherever you are, if you work in a place that has a PA that has a big speaker system, throw the podcast on. Help us out.

Yeah, I think that's a great idea, Jordan. And just for my own show's platform, if when you get out, you get into the entertainment industry, don't cast white people as Asian characters, please. Yeah. So cool. So two pieces of advice. I just want to wrap it up. Our two-pronged attack. Yeah.

On the left flank, playing Jordan Jesse Go to people who don't want to listen to him. On the right flank, ethnically appropriate casting. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Thank you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Podcast. Podcast. Podcasts.

Podcasts. They're audio programs that tell smart stories in innovative ways using editing techniques like this. Like this. Like this. But let's face it, all that smart stuff can be exhausting.

That's where Stop Podcasting Yourself comes in. It's so stupid. It's just two stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop Podcasting Yourself. The stupid show that smart people love. Find it on iTunes or MaximumFun.org

Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chelsea Crisp, Elizabeth Berkley's best friend. Well, Chelsea, I'm not going to lie to you. I was disappointed when I heard that you'd been booked on the program. I had been told that Elizabeth Berkley was going to be on the program. I know. I'm sorry. I'm the backup. And I was very excited

to talk to Ms. Spano. But you've really acquitted yourself well. Thank you. And so I'm forgiving you. I appreciate that. And you're a lying bitch of a publicist.

Who told me that you were elizabeth berkeley yeah that's how she gets me all my gigs really yeah she's like i've got elizabeth berkeley and they're like you can be on at midnight is that how you got is that how you got uh honey on fresh off the boat as well yeah it absolutely is and then i showed up and they were like shit yeah a lot of hair and makeup's gonna have to happen now yeah i can understand that uh that explains why your character after hair and makeup looks so much like elizabeth my manager just tells people i'm screech yeah works i don't know good for you i've had a long and interesting career i'm gonna start trying that i'm gonna tell i am screech this is a this is a compliment to chelsea so i'm gonna pretend like i'm gonna start trying that i'm gonna tell you this is a this is a compliment to chelsea so i'm gonna pretend like i'm talking to jordan about it but uh actually the the way chelsea ended up

on this program was uh uh our bullseyes producer julia smith was talking to her publicist and uh her publicist happened to mention that she represented chelsea and julia remembered a conversation that she and i had about a year ago when Randall Park was on the show about how much I liked Fresh Off the Boat and the example that I had given was that Chelsea's character totally didn't have to be good and funny

and on most shows they would have cast someone who was not funny and not really done anything with the part and that they totally had cast someone funny who had done an awesome job. And what a great funny thing it was. And Julia, to her credit, remembered that a year later and said, hey, you remember how we were talking about how funny Honey from Fresh Off the Boat was? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, well, do you want to have her on Jordan, Jesse Go? And we said, yes, absolutely.

That is awesome. If you're not watching Fresh Off the Boat, it's I was like, yeah. And she's like, well, do you want to have her on Jordan and Jessie Go? And we said, yes, absolutely. That is awesome. If you're not watching Fresh Off the Boat, it's really one of the best family comedies on TV. It's a really consistently funny show. Brian is nodding emphatically. He's a fan.

That's all our showrunner, Nanachka Khan. She's pretty amazing. She's a super cool lady. Yeah, she's awesome. And she does, you know, on any show, the showrunner's really

where it all comes from. She does all the hiring, all the writers and the actors. I wanted badly to be friends with her after I met her. Yeah? I was like, ooh, yeah, this is a cool lady. Yeah. I want to be friends with this lady. She's really chill.

She's really smart and obviously very funny. She's got really great taste, I think, with her joke writing and her editing. And it's nice to be on something where you feel like you're in really good hands. I also want to be friends with Randall Park. He's very handsome. Yeah. I just want to have a friend who's that handsome. Good looking guy.

Just a handsome guy. Yeah. Just walking around. Could you imagine just all the positive attention you would attract if you were walking around with a handsome guy like that? You are friends with Randall Park, aren't you? I mean, he came on the show. We had a pleasant interaction on the program

there are no other interactions with Randall Park I'm married to his sister oh okay I'm not friends with Randall Park but I wish I were he is a cool guy let him know I'm glad to be friends whenever he needs a friend if he needs a shoulder to cry on

I will if he needs a buddy to get him laid any type of friendship I'm there If he needs a shoulder to cry on. I will. If he needs a buddy to get him laid. I will. Any type of friendship. I'm there. If he needs somebody just to play pinnacle with him at the old folks home, I'm in. I will specifically relay all of those messages. I mean, to some extent, you and I could potentially be friends, but I'm really focused on Randall.

I know that I'm a gateway friend. I know that I'm just like an entry point to Elizabeth and Randall. Behind your right shoulder, Elizabeth. Behind your left focused on Randall. I know that I'm a gateway friend. I know that like behind, I'm just like an entry point to Elizabeth. Behind your right shoulder, Elizabeth, behind your left shoulder, Randall. One of my friends who comes over to my house all the time and, you know,

sees Elizabeth, but we're all like kids of the nineties and we, you know, watched Saved by the Bell. And this, my friend, Suzanne, who is just this like wonderfully intelligent,

so just confident, capable woman. We all know Suzanne. You all know Suzanne. Yeah, we're all friends with Suzanne. Elizabeth came up to say hi and I went to introduce Suzanne and she was just like not there, like not behind my shoulder anymore. So anyway, we said goodbye and Elizabeth walks and I turn around. And Suzanne got so nervous in the presence of Elizabeth Berk she turned to face the wall, but didn't leave the environment.

Like a victim of the Blair Witch. Yes, exactly. Literally just turned and faced the wall and just stood there. And so I had to kind of wait until Elizabeth Berkeley was out of earshot. And I was like, did you just face the wall? And she's like, I just faced the wall. I just completely faced the wall. I don't know what just happened. Jessie Spano looms large. Yeah.

She's a big, Big presence, that lady. My best friend. Mario Lopez. Probably your best friend, too. God. Dustin Diamond, our best friend. Well, I mean, I'm masquerading as having a good job. Yeah, but I mean, who doesn't?

We all do that. You know, we've all pulled the screech card. Do you know how many times I've shown up and they're like, Dustin Diamond? And then I just walk in. As the prosecutors in the O.J. Do you know how many times I've shown up and they're like, Dustin Diamond? And then I just walk in. As the prosecutors in the O.J. Simpson case played the race card, I will play the screech card. I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but you really need to get

a new publicist. Number one, why is your publicist booking your auditions? Number two, why does she keep saying that your various cast members have saved by the bell? I don't know, but it's working. Because she wants you to work. It's working.

She wants you to work. Well, look, it's all right because we're saved by the bell. Yeah, sure. The show is over. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez on the board. We'll see you in the morning when your alarm lets out a warning. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. Join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com.

And on Facebook in the Maximum Fun group, there's a lot of fun chat lately. If you want to come to MaxFunCon East or regular MaxFunCon, go to MaxFunCon.com. And look, we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. MaximumFun.org. next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.