Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 426: Masked Musk with Jonathan Van Ness

Episode Date: May 2, 2016

Jonathan Van Ness from Funny or Die's Gay of Thrones and the MaxFun podcast Getting Curious joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of MTV in the 1990s, Jordan's experience ripping his pants, and Jonathan's hypothetical thruple for Jordan.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you, friend? Doing nice. Nice? Oh, I'm doing nice.

You did roll in here with a very positive attitude. I can do nice all by myself. Excuse me, Tyler Perry's I can do nice all by myself. Got it. Yeah. Hey, I got good news for you, Jordan. I'd love to hear that. If you kill me right now, my family... I'd be lying if I said

I wasn't considering it. Right. Well, I could tell you were in a good mood. Yeah, it's because I was thinking of murder. My family gets $600,000. If I kill you of murder. My family gets $600,000. If I kill you? Yeah. Did you get Jordan insurance?

Exactly. You would be surprised at how affordable it is, given how much murdering you do. I saw my friend Jerry. I don't know if you know Jerry, but he's probably one of the best known life insurance guys in the whole Toluca Lake area. Okay. Okay, so. Jesse, I am not invited to those parties. Okay, sorry.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to pull an I'm a star card here on you. I don't want to kind of shindigs you get invited to. As the late prince once said, baby, I'm a star. You head up to Toluca Lake. You go talk to my friend Jerry. He's going to talk to a few. He probably wouldn't even see me, but. Look, Jordan.

Can you make some calls? Are we friends? Yes. Yeah. We've been friends for a long time, right? That's why I'm considering making your death so quick. You think I'm not going to give a call up to Toluca Lake to Jerry's office, talk to Cheryl, and get Cheryl to get you on the books with Jerry? I would appreciate it.

I mean, you know, listen, I'll believe it when I'm sitting in that sweet office with my complimentary bottle of water and handful of mints. How about this? Let me make a proposal to you. Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Strangers on a Train? Yes. Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Strangers on a Train? Yes. Okay. So for those who are listening who haven't heard this, two strangers on a train agree to murder each other's worst enemies, and then it's untraceable.

Sure. So I'm proposing a similar kind of trade. Kind of crisscross. Yeah, crisscross. So you murder me. Go on. So my family gets $600,000. And then I get you an appointment with Jerry.

Yeah, I mean, this sounds like a win-win. I think it's a win-win-win because it's a win for Jerry, too. He gets to meet my friend Jordan. Yeah, we're going to have a lot of fun. That's one of the world's top murderers. And I'm going to have a handful of mints. I'm assuming he has a giant bowl of mints in his office. That's just what I'm picturing.

You're not going to believe how many mints this guy has. You know this guy makes house calls? Really? You don't have to go up to Toluca Lake. Huh. Well, where am I going to get the mints then? Oh, shit. Yeah.

That was pretty tough. I don't know if this whole... Jesse, this is getting so complicated, I'm considering not even killing you. Is there any, like, Safeways or Ralphs or Piggly Wigglies near your house? Well, several Piggly Wigglies, yes. Well, I live in central Arkansas, by the way. Long commute in here. So get over there, get yourself some mints.

Okay, it's two stops. You know what? You're here in Hollywood now. Forget getting you mints. Let's get you Christopher Mints Floss. That would be great. Big love in himself. Big love in himself.

Oh, you know what? I'll just go to Jerry's office and then I'll have Postmates bring me the mints. Great. Perfect. Okay. Settled. So do you have a preference of how you want to die? I'm not making any promises, but I will listen to your requests.

I mean, I know that you mentioned making my death quick. Sure. And I do appreciate that. I don't want to suggest. No problem, man. I do not want to suggest that I don't appreciate that. But honestly, my feeling is if it could be one of those euphoric slow deaths, like Frostbite. Oh, like at the end of The Shining.

I haven't seen the end of The Shining. The guy dies of Frostbite? Oh, yeah. Spoiler alert for The Shining. Yeah, you like, you know, like you're, I sort of like to think of it as like how Survivor Man will probably die. Oh, okay. You know, from the show Survivor Man. I could do that.

I mean, you know, it's going to be a little bit. I probably should have said Bear Grylls, but I said Survivor Man. I mean, I guess, I mean, I don't want to be this guy, but it's going to be like a little bit more of a trip for me. Because I have to find some sort of Arctic climate or at least a colder climate. No, you don't. What? You don't have kids, do you, Jordan?

I don't. I have kids. That's why my family needs the $600,000. So I've spent a lot of time at the Kids Space Museum in Pasadena. They've got literally a week of snow every year. So we just wait for the holiday season. How do they do that? Snow machines.

Okay. Yeah, so they bring in a snowblower. They blow the snow. The thing is, is it quickly turns into ice, dangerous, rugged ice. The children should not be allowed in here, but are told is what snow is like. But I think if we just focus on getting to December, we wait for kids' space to open up that snow exhibit, we get in there when they're blowing the snow, then I get frozen into that ice.

Yeah, that's good. I can conk you on the head or something. No, I don't want you to conk me on the head again. Oh, that's right. You want it to be a euphoric thing. You want to consider your life. You want to look your enemy in the eyes. How about this? You cock me on the head again. Oh, that's right. You want it to be a euphoric thing. You want to like, you know, consider your life. You want to look your enemy in the eyes. How about this?

You choke me or jack me off. Sorry, friend. You want to. Oh, okay. Cool. Done. Sure. One carrot.

One carrot eat. Coming up. Deal. Shall we introduce our guest? I'd love to. Okay. You know him, of course, as the star of the hit internet web series, Gay of Thrones. the star of the hit internet web series Gay of Thrones.

You know him as the host of the beloved Max Fun Podcast, Getting Curious. You know him as a hairdresser to the stars, Mr. Jonathan Van Ness. Hello. Hello, Jonathan. Hello. Thank you for bringing your mic in dramatically when it was time to speak. I got inspired by you. Ah, cut it out.

It was like you really get in there with adjusting where you're living well you got to get in there oh okay yeah people called me the mick jagger of podcasting oh it's really dramatic yeah because i'm always moving and shaking i'm the aerosmith guy of podcasting which is why i have all these scarves tied to my mic sure oh my god i want to be sarah borelis actually who's that who the fuck is that are you serious congratulations to me for not being able to remember stephen tyler's name yeah aerosmith guy's fine okay good i don't think anybody thought you were the joe perry i'm the drummer from aerosmith wait sorry so uh sarah borelis yes yeah explain this to us um oh my god so um sarah borelis is well she's from new york I'm the drummer from Aerosmith. Wait, sorry. So Sarah Bareilles? Yes. Yeah. Explain this to us. Oh, my God.

So Sarah Bareilles is, well, she's from New York. And she sang that one song. I'm not going to write you a love song. Oh, yeah. Because you asked for it. You can totally be that. Yeah. I love her.

Does she have impressive mic work? She has really good piano work, but she's good with the mic, you know. She's fierce, but she's not really... She just wrote this musical, and it's called Waitress, and it's on Broadway, and it's amazing. I cry seeing the title track from it at least once a day.

Under what circumstances? It's great. Well, see, what I love to do is I love to drive down Wilshire to work with my windows down. Great street, by the way. And scream, sing, cry. Or, like, laugh, scream, yell. Uh-huh.

Sure. Yeah. A classic LLC. Like, if it's like a... Wait, L-S-Y? Yeah, I always have trouble doing that. Thank you. Like, quickly.

That was good. But, yeah, if it's like a happy song, I like to like a like a really like you know and then if it's sad really sad sure and then have people hear you harmonizing horrifically doing horrific harmonizations people are harmonizing or you're harmonizing i'm attempting to do it got it i can't though when i'm driving to work i like a little cGM. A little chuckle, groan, and masturbate. Oh, cool. I go, oh. Then I finish up. Got it.

That is, that's a lot. Yeah. And I like it. I mean, you know, it's a short commute. Yeah. But, you know, if you're efficient, you can get it all done. Yeah, if you know your moves. Sure.

Do you have a special lady in your life? I don't. I'm out there. Well, I have many dating apps. Like what? What are the straight dating apps? Knocking on doors. Just saying hi.

Do a Tinder. Yes. Do an OkCupid. Okay. And that's an app now. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think everything has reverted to, not reverted to, but I would say evolved into a swipe.

Ascended, yeah. Is there boxes? It isn't like a phoenix. Yeah. It's like, I mean, the interface is like Tinder. You swipe around. Oh, but so it doesn't look like Grindr. There's never like how many feet away a woman is from you.

No, yeah. I think the straight women don't... Like that. Yeah. Right. Don't like being tracked by GPS. Got it. Yeah.

Whereas for us, it's like a matter of convenience. Sure. Yeah. It's so convenient. It is so convenient. You've grinded before? Ground?

Well, I'm a taken woman now, but yes, I have. I have. I have. Yeah, I have done the grind. I will. I will say that. That is true.

You were the host of MTV's The Grind for a time, weren't you? I was. I pop locked and dropped it all over that. You got it. And I did. I'm just kidding. I didn't. No.

I didn't. That was Dan Cortez. We all know that was Dan Cortez. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. I need to talk to you guys about something. Okay. And I really hope that you guys know what it is.

Ryan, I hope you're recording this. Yeah. Do you remember? It was like 1995, 1996, a little, little show on MTV called Sandblast. And it was this show on a beach, and it was this obstacle course. It was this... No. No, wait.

The more you say, the more I am... Here's some of the obstacles. It's coming. It's a focus like one of those posters you would look at at the mall around that time. I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep going. Please go. Go, go, go.

So you're saying it's becoming 3D before your eyes? Yes. He's seeing I'm painting him a picture like Sophia and the Golden Girls. So that's what it's like. Picture it. MTV. 1995. You are... So this is what it's like. Picture it. MTV. 1995. You are.

So you go on this launch pad. It's like a springboard for like a vault. Is Sophia the slutty one? No, that was Blanche Devereaux. Got it. My word, honey. No, Sophia's Dorothy's mama. Okay.

Anyway. So, but yeah. So, whatever. It was this obstacle course. You had to like ride down this like a hundred foot thing on a jet ski. You had to like. It was a obstacle course. You had to, like, ride down this, like, 100-foot thing on a jet ski. You had to, like, it was a whole thing. Google Sandblast. It was amazing.

Who hosted this? Our friend Dave Holmes? No, it was right after Singled Out. I remember it was, like, Nacho Doritos, Surge, Singled Out, Sandblast. That's what it was all about. That's a hell of an afternoon of television. That's what it was all about. That's a great vision board. Yeah. That's what it was all about. That's a hell of an afternoon of television. That's what it was all about. That's a great vision board.

Yeah. That's what it was all about. Downtown Julie Brown? No, that was a little bit after Downtown Julie Brown. Yeah, Downtown Julie Brown, I feel like, was on her way out by the time I was on my way in. Which was? 1993, I got cable. Only at my dad's house.

Got it. Yeah. Yeah, I got cable. Only at my dad's house. Got it. Yeah. My dad's aunt died, and he inherited like $15,000 or $20,000, bought himself a used Honda Accord wagon. That was a big upgrade in our life.

Got rid of that metallic brown Chevy Nova. And then we got a TV, a stereo. It had a music service on it. The cable box had a music service that came through the cable. My dad was very excited about it because it showed you the name of the song that was playing. That was big news. I mean, look, we all remember 1993. Dan Zig's mother was tearing through our hearts.

Sure. Much like our actual mothers. We were coming right into the Nancy Kerrig and Tonya Harding scandal. We had just had Christy Yamaguchi capture the gold in 92, which was the last Olympics where we had a summer and winter Olympics happen in the same year. That's a really fun fact. We had a pocket full of rubbers and our homeboys

did too. It always comes back to the penis in here, I feel like. Well, it's a very phallic show. It is a phallic show. Gay, straight, doesn't matter. Sure. Everybody's got a dog in here. Yeah, it's true.

They do. We all do. We do. Okay, so what else happened on Sandblast that spoke so deeply to your heart? I just was craving this intimacy of you guys knowing this little known show that I feel like every time I do that, wait, wait, wait, do you remember this show? No one ever does. And that's what happened here, and that's the end of the story.

In our generation of MTV, and I think we're all about the same age in here, because now I'm really curious. I think Jonathan's younger than we are. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. She flits her hair. She sits up a little straighter and then the mic goes back to you. I think in our day, MTV had a lot more obstacle courses. It had a lot more animation and it had a lot more obstacle courses.

I love an obstacle course. Me too. I can't get enough of that. Yeah. Like Wipeout. Remember that show Wipeout on ABC? Sure. Can't get enough of that. Yeah. Like Wipeout. Remember that show Wipeout on ABC? Sure. Can't get enough of that, even though it's the same every time.

American Gladiators. I once auditioned to host Kids Wipeout. I could really see that. I didn't get it. I could see you at the smooth blow dry. Yeah. I think it would be smooth. Oh, absolutely.

I think it has some volume. Sure. And I think it would be really nice. Yeah. It probably would. I think it would be really nice. Yeah. It probably would. I think that would be pretty nice. I didn't get it. Why not?

Some cool black guy did. How smooth was your blow dry? Maybe not smooth enough. Jigs. You owe me a Coke. I mostly was interested in Lisa Loeb at the time. Sure. Lisa Loeb.

She was great. Lisa Loeb was singing directly to my heart. That one song? Yeah, sure to my heart that one song yeah sure it wasn't one of her other songs one of her recent children's songs you only hear what I want to you don't listen hard

you don't pay attention to the minutes that I'm running from anywhere I'm Lisa Loeb I'm running from anywhere, anything. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the salope. I'm only hearing negatives. No, no, no, no. That's really good. That was pretty.

If you had cat eyeglasses on right now, I might have a crush on you. Oh, my God. That's how powerful the effect of that song was. I had a heterosexual man tell me today that my chest was getting bulkier because I've been lifting a lot of weights. I had a heterosexual man tell me today that my chest was getting bulkier because I've been lifting a lot of weights. So I feel like with this backlit light, a cat eye glass, I could just be there right to pick up the pieces if you're a functioning relationship ever. The bulk of your chest. Of my breasts. Yeah, I got it.

I got it. I got a strip. Sure. So big. So, Jonathan, as a prominent figure in the world of Game of Thrones criticism. We are not critics. Sorry. How would you categorize yourself then?

We are the biggest fans. Okay. Commentators. Well, I am a big fan. Now, as of this taping. Yes. The first episode of Game of Thrones of the season has aired. I would love to hear your thoughts

it was a big deal there was a lot of action I was really happy to see Brienne who we lovingly refer to as Tilda we love her she's amazing I was so ready for her to come in I was also really happy to see my boy Alfie

come in strong on the right side of history and take out that one boy. Sad for baby Pedro Pascal that got speared in the back of the head. Oh, yeah, he absolutely got speared. Oh, my God, though. Did we read about these plot holes, you guys? No, I have not read about any plot holes. I didn't notice them myself.

Well, I will let you in. Don't listen if you haven't watched the first episode. Is that okay to say? Can I tell your people to not listen for like the next two seconds?

Yeah, I think so because we're a week and a half. Yes, that's on you, boo. Yeah. Yeah, this is not CODA. We're not codependent. Hey, listen. Here.

Boo. If you haven't watched the first episode, the second episode's already come out by the time this hits the airwaves. Okay. And I know we're probably going to get a lot of people on Twitter. It's like, oh, I like to save them all for the winter months.

I like to run them at Blockbuster. Yeah. If you have some weird thing where you want to watch a thing at a certain time far after it comes out, you can't get mad at us about spoilers, even though you are already. Anyway. We warned you. Yeah. We warned you.

We horned you. I was waiting to watch Star Wars on Blu-ray. Anyway. Oh, I did spoil that for someone, and it was not good. Yeah. Anyway. So, I forgot what I was going to say. Plot holes.

Oh, yeah. I forgot what I was going to say. Uh, plot holes. Oh, yeah. So, if you guys remember back in season five, at the end, we had Chris K. in the boat, well, kissing Taylor Swift goodbye. Sure.

To poison her, right? Mm-hmm. But then as the boat pulled away, you saw Chris K., Chloe, and Kim, and Courtney were all on the dock. Sure. So, how did they get on the boat to kill Tristan when they were pulling into King's Landing? Because we saw the boat leaving and we saw the three girls still on the dock. Here's my explanation.

Dornish submarine. Yeah. Ooh. I mean, if I know one thing about the kingdom of Dorn. Yeah. It's the submarines are fierce. The submarines are a big deal. Yeah, they love them.

They're always talking about them. You know what I think it was probably like? It was. And I'm working on Jordan's idea because I think this is a great idea. You know about that Revolutionary War submarine where it's like a round ball and then it had a screw that you turned with a crank to try and drill a hole into the – I know I'm getting kind of monitor in the Merrimack here, but... Wait, go back. There is a submarine.

Okay, so it's a... I'm pretty sure it's a Revolutionary War era submarine. Could be Civil War era. I'm pretty sure there wasn't submarines in 1700. No, I'm not talking about a Hunt for Red October type. It's like a diving bell. It's like a round diving bell. Is it wooden?

With one person inside. I presume so. What am I? I'm curious. If anyone knows anything that's about me, it's that I'm curious about things. I'm sorry I have questions. That's true. You're the host of Getting Curious. I have to grant you that point. Okay, so then there's

a screw that cranks that drills a hole in the hull of a wooden ship, but it only kind of worked, and then the guy died, I think. Okay. That's how I imagine, long story short, I imagine a Dornish submarine to be a round ball with a guy with a white wig inside of it. Sure. Turning a crank that turns a screw that's supposed to put a hole into the hull of a ship.

And so, frankly, given that information that we just got, your theory just doesn't stack up because we know, as we all know, that thing didn't work good enough and the guy dies. That wasn't my theory. I'm not even that smart to notice that.

I read on Huffington Post. It's not like I was like, looked at that and realized. I just read on Huffington Post along with the other plot hole, which was Melisandre took that bath. Which guy is Melisandre? Melisandre's the evil Red Riding Hood.

Got it. And she took her necklace off to get in that bath. So why didn't she turn into an old lady back then? Oh, wow. Maybe it was a combination, right? They said that she sprinkled some polyjuice potion in the bathtub before she got in there. Okay. I buy that.

That's what she was dribbling in there. Yeah. I mean, I feel like any time you want to nitpick a thing that is in a fantasy world like that, it's just, oh, it's a magic thing we don't know about yet. Do you guys want to know what I think is going to happen? But can I preface that by saying that I've never read any of the books and I don't read anything online other than like if it's about me. In relation to Game of Thrones. You look at some Snapchats.

No, all that. But I mean, like, as far as like Game of Thrones, it's not like I'm like reading conspiracy blogs or like, you know what I'm saying? That's a bad use of your time. But I've always thought, since season three, this has always been what I thought would happen. Please. I'm just saying it in public. I've always thought that it was going to end up being between the Starks and Christina Aguilera. And I've always thought that Bran was going to warg away her dragons. Bran was going to warg away her dragons.

Oh. I've always thought that he will figure out a way to warg every animal, including the dragons, and he will strip the dragons from Christina, and then the Starks will actually be the underdog that always was, and Sansa Fierce will rule the world. That's pretty good. You know what I've heard recently from a book reader? Uh-huh. That Jon Snow can warg.

Oh, yeah. So maybe he's in his own wolf right now. Right, which is why he was nudging everyone. Yeah. Anyway, that's what I heard. So maybe this warging theory of yours has some weight. What's warging again? It's when you go into an animal.

By the way, I've seen every episode of this show that I'm asking these questions about. Oh, my God. What I like about Game of Thrones is basically everything. What I don't like about Game of Thrones is that I simply lack the mental capacity to know what's going on. You know what I honestly think about that? Have you ever tried to watch during the day as opposed to Sunday night? The first season of Game of Thrones I watched exclusively during the day. I think that makes a difference.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, because, you know, Sunday night, it's like we have sundowner syndrome at that time or whatever. Sure. It's hard to keep it straight on Sunday night. You got to go to work. And then in my case, I got to recap. I got to get my hair blown out all cute. I got to think of fun on Sunday night. You got to go to work. And then in my case, I got to recap. I got to get my hair blown out all cute. I got to think of fun stuff.

Sure. I don't have to recap, but I do have to get my hair blown out all cute. But it's hard. I would love, speaking of blowouts, to just flat iron your Ulysses S. Grant beard and just set it and forget it. Just set it and forget it. And just backcomb it and just make you look like Mugatu

but on your beard. Like, I want to give you, like, Mugatu hair but on your beard. Do you think that's what we're doing next year for the pledge drive? That is what we should do. Did I just think of it? Yeah.

You should flat iron everyone's hair. Well, I really want to make your hair into Mugatu. You know Mugatu, like Will Ferrell, Mugatu. What does he have on his... I remember it's white. His hair is like pin curled and it's like this. Right. And I want to do that.

You're giving, yeah, you're giving gestures of circular. Circular hair. Hair horns. Pin curls. Think pin curls. Got it. Okay. Pin curls.

I'm thinking pin curls right now. Yes. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Yeah. I mean, that girls right now. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Yeah. I mean, I think that'll probably be our biggest pledge drive ever.

Do you know what's happening when you watch Game of Thrones? Here's what helped me early on in Game of Thrones. Uh-huh. Because I have, I also- I feel like I'm reading a Russian novel. I feel like in high school I was supposed to read a couple Russian novels. Right. And I'd be like, who the fuck is that guy?

Yeah. Who's Ilyich? Is that the same as Ilyon? I know. Fuck you, Russia. That's why I think we should stand up to Putin, frankly. Because of his confusing novels of his country? Yeah.

Everyone says they're funny, but they're not. They're so not funny. Here's what helped me early on is watching with the subtitles on because then you can learn people's names. Oh. Which was very helpful. So I think a lot of my base – I kind of went into it with a strong base knowledge because I watched with those subtitles on. I'm also deaf.

So that would also help. One of the big problems is I can't perceive the dialogue. Sure. Yeah. Because of hearing problems. Well, it sounds like you just need to go back. Watch from the beginning. With the subtitles on.

Yeah. Well, you know what I do watch sometimes with the subtitles on? Baseball games. But that's only because whenever I use Amazon, it automatically turns the subtitles on in my MLB.TV app. Do you know how to fix that? I don't. But it sounds like for a deaf like yourself, that'll really work out. Good point. That sounds like for a deaf like yourself that'll really work out good point

that sounds like torture to me like if i got kidnapped they would put me in a room and force me to watch like mlb.tv yeah with the subtitles on like oh my god when i was seven or something my family like went to like a blues or not blues cardinals cardinal game. And in the third inning, I had a nervous breakdown. And the only thing I could do to get through it was my aunt had to take me across the street to get a gorgeous blow-dry. I'm not even kidding.

She took me and my two cousins, and they got these mushroom haircuts. Those mushroom haircuts. And then I got a blow-dry. During the game? Did you go back through the game? No. Because you had to be the game? No. No. And then my brother.

Because you had to be in that hair dryer. Yeah. I could not handle that. I do not like sitting in baseball games. I like to get a pretzel, have a beverage, hit the road. Got it. Yeah. So for you, I mean, I don't, this might blow your mind, but did you know that sometimes in malls and train stations, there's actually a pretzel store right there.

You don't even have to go to a baseball game. But it's like – well, now, you know, like I just discovered like in the last like three months, I've eaten a couple pickles that I used to – I always hated pickles. Sure. I've also have – well, there's one other thing. It was like a pickle and then I had something else that I've always hated. It wasn't olives. Asparagus? Where are you getting these pickles?

For several places, I've had round ones. I've had spear ones. Whoa. I have been really adventurous. But, you know, pickles is the main one. But like pickles, baseball games, I am into it now for like two innings. Uh-huh. That's how long you're into it. Pickles also? Yeah.

No, no, no. I think I do. I think I'm going to continue to enjoy pickles, but as far as baseball games go, before I would never step foot in one. Now I went to one for like two innings. Had a great time. Apparently there's a big gays night at the Dodgers one. I went to the gays night at the Dodgers.

I bet you were a hit at the gays night with your beard and your masculine looks it's so kind of you it's not the case but it's very kind of you no you're such a look you have this mask beard mask musk i do have a mask musk yeah that is true jordan has been sitting in this box with me for the last five or seven years he knows about my musk yeah i've smelled the musk it It's masky. Jordan has a femme musk. You know? When he farts, it smells like flowers.

Sure. Well, it's because I eat all that potpourri. Eat it by the handful. Gotta stop eating that potpourri. For one thing, it's expensive. Yeah, and probably poisonous. Yeah, ow. I would imagine, ow. Oh, yeah, my bowel movements are not fun. Yeah, very spiky imagine, ow. Oh, yeah, my bowel movements are not fun.

Yeah, very spiky. Spiky. Papery and spiky. Oh, my God. You say spiky poop? No, but I'm excited to learn that that's something you say, Jonathan. Man, the leaves are peeling back here. We are really getting into the core of the Jonathan Van Ness onion. Yeah.

What's this spiky poop business? Well, I think I said it as a kid. I think what I ended up figuring out was, is that that was actually like cracks. Like it was cracky poop. But it was kind of like, you know, if there was a big crack in the poop. Sure.

It would, like when it would pass you, you're like, ooh. But you called it spiky poop. Yeah, I thought it was spikes. But it was really cracks. Got it. Yeah. I mean, what do you do to-

Should we talk more about baseball? I want to hear about what goes on at baseball gay night. Flags. They put same-sex couples on the kiss cam. Okay. I was very touched by that. I was sincerely touched by that, and everyone had a great attitude about it. Because usually, at a baseball game, that's the goof of the kiss cam.

Yeah. You go to couples, and you've got two dude friends. Yeah, and they're like, whoa. Wouldn't that be hot if they just started making out? Because they were really gays who looked really doody. They're like, finally, an excuse. Yes. They're just like, ugh.

Just bell-making out-y. That would be great. I think it would be fun if the baseball players made out. Oh, that'd be hot too. If they pointed them on the kiss cam and they just started smooching, going to town. Dry humping. Dry humping. Yeah.

Yes, dry humping smooch. Yeah. All over the Jumbotron. Yeah, that sounds fun. I would enjoy that. So same-sex couple kiss cam. Yeah. Is there go-go boys?

I don't think, no, there aren't any gogo boys um rainbow colored stuff there i was disappointed because in a in sports these days there are so many fugly ass specialty uniforms like they wear weird pink shit for women's cancers. They wear another color for men's cancers. That's blue. Blue. They wear, you know, they wear,

there's all these different reasons. Red for AIDS. They wear all these different reasons. They don't do that. They do all these different military things.

Green. All these different camouflage things. And they're all gross looking. Substantially, they're good causes. But they're all gross looking. Substantially, they're good causes. But they all look awful. And I say you might as well go.

And they do, a lot of places, they do Spanish script for Hispanic night, which I actually kind of like that one. But no, I would like to see more rainbow uniforms. Or like even like – I think the problem you're going to run into is professional athletes are homophobic assholes. Some of them are. Some of them are super gay themselves, I'm sure. And you know what I think would be great?

That's true. If instead of these like – you know, this waste culture that we're stuck in, what if it was about like face decals for special nights? Go on. Like pink breasts. Right. Oh, like, oh my God. Something's happening. Jonathan's getting a phone call, folks.

It's the Postmates. Oh, okay. We'll be back in just a second. Jonathan Starbucks is here. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Have you or any of your family ever seen a spook, specter, ghost, or totally rad party dude house cat who really only exists as a sound effect? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then pick up your podcast listening device of choice and subscribe to The Professionals. The Flophouse. Our award-winning and usually only a little drunk staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your bad movie podcast needs. The Flophouse.

We're ready to make you laugh in public so that other people look at you funny. Hit it. I'm pretty sure we don't have the rights to this song. it's jordan jessigo i'm jesse thorne the voice of the millennial generation jordan morris boy detective and i'm jonathan venice you can have a nickname if you want to jonathan I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Jonathan Venis. You can have a nickname if you want to, Jonathan. You're fun. JMac. Yeah.

That's cool. Where'd you come up with that? That's what my boyfriend calls me. Really? JMac? Uh-huh. Because my middle name is McDonald. Oh, I thought it was just because you were such a Mac.

No. No. No? No. No. No. No? No. Are you sure? Well, you're often returning to things. Yeah. No? No. No. No? No. Are you sure?

Well, you're often returning to things. Yes. I am. A Mac? What's Mac? Like a cosmetic? No, Jonathan. Like some sort of Mac Daddy.

Yeah. Oh. Daddy Mac. Mm-hmm. There's a famous makeup artist whose name is Mac Daddy. Really? Yes. Is this person a gentleman or a lady?

He's a gentleman. Uh-huh. With a fierce slayed face. What kind of face now? Slayed. I can't picture this kind of face. Painted to the gods. You want me to show you? Please, yeah, do it. I'll show you

my pose out there. Okay. He has a slayed face slayed because he slayed it it's slayed s-l-a-d-e yes okay like the band yeah or like you could say like her weave is slayed you could also say that weave is laid okay Okay, now what, now, give me some context here for this. Laid is like, that hair is laid, because the tracks are so smooth, the hairline is so nice.

It's laid, it looks good. Lord, what about slayed? Yeah, I was slayed. Slayed was classically more referred to for a face, but now, because it's been so popularized, anything could be Slade. So it's not S-L-A-Y-E-D. Oh, yes.

That's what it is. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Because it has been Slade. Because I Slade. Because you Slade. Yes. Now, how is this related to and how is it similar and dissimilar from On Fleek?

Now, how is this related to and how is it similar and dissimilar from on fleek? Okay, well, fleek never really happened was the problem. This is interesting because I thought it did. It kind of did, but it didn't. It did, but it didn't. But fleek is in the same vein as Slade. Okay. Eyebrows on fleek. Flannel on fleek.

Curls on fleek. Sure. Yeah. That's just three examples of things you have on fleek. Fleeky deaky is also a thing you could say. Would you say- You would prefer, you would prefer, you like Slade better. I feel that Slade lends itself more to a little bit of street cred.

Okay. Okay. Lord knows I could use some of that. Yeah. And Lord knows Jonathan's got it to give. Sure. This guy is walking down the street handing out cred like it was fun-sized Snickers on Halloween. Yeah.

Just driving down Wilshire, screaming cred out his window. Like it was Starlight Mints, and he was my life insurance salesman, Jerry. Got to get those mints. It's really pretty. I would love some mints. Wait, so you got – I think you were trying to, at the top of the show, talk about the considerations you have to make getting life insurance. Right. Big ideas that go into it.

Right. Thinking about your own mortality. Sure. But we just did a weird bit about me getting mints and then killing you like David Carradine. Yeah. Do you want to get deeper into the issues around getting life insurance? Well, you know, I did get – one thing that occurred to me, I was sitting talking with Teresa, my wife and the CEO of Max Fund, earlier today here in the office. And it occurred to us that almost certainly my parents do not have life insurance.

And we're like, do your parents have life insurance? And I was like, I don't think my parents have life insurance. So it's a big difference in my family that I would be a responsible adult, that I have children, that I would make sure that if I died, at least the house would get paid off. Okay. That's a big thing. The main experience that was important to me, though, wasn't so much about facing my own mortality

and being the kind of responsible person who provides for his children, even in his absence. It was more about getting to spend some time with Jerry. Yeah, he sounds like a cool guy. I just feel like I – Jerry was referred to me by our – okay, so here's the chain of referrals. We have this accountant. That's Zach. Okay, Zach was referred to us by our friend Adam Lissagor, if you look nice today.

Okay, Zach was referred to us by our friend Adam Lissagor, if you look nice today. Zach's up there in, not Toluca Lake, a different place that's like that. Sure. You have to drive- Canoga Park. Yeah, probably so. You have to drive about 40 minutes to get to Zach's office, I'll tell you. Tujunga. Yeah, Tujunga is probably where it is.

No, Tujunga, I'll tell you. Tohunga. Yeah, Tohunga is probably where it is. No, Tohunga, I'll tell you what Tohunga is. I think Tohunga is where the Octonauts Live is coming. That's not Los Angeles, and I decided it was too far to drive my children to. Okay. Anyway, Zach, he referred me to my estate guy. Okay, my estate guy's name is escaping me at the moment. estate guy okay my estate guy's name is escaping me at the moment but each one of these are there's this amazing type of traditional white that i had not just it just hadn't had that much experience with like a real classic type of all-American white person.

Sure. Man, specifically. Yeah. That's what we at Starbucks call a flat white. Yeah. Like a real, like the kind of person who's in the Lions Club and has some anecdotes about travel to share with you. And that experience of these three guys in a row. And Zach is probably the youngest.

He's probably 50-ish. But then these other guys are like 60-ish. And they all probably met again in the Lions Club. Are these men? They may be Rotarians. I'm imagining a tucked in polo. There's tucked in polos. There's Boku tucked in pol Lions Club. Are these men, are these guys- They may be Rotarians. I'm imagining a tucked in polo. There's tucked in polos. There's Boku.

Okay. Tucked in polos, yeah. They have firm handshakes. Yep. Good eye contact. Sure. A little, a fun,

a fun elbow about something about the wife. Mm. But not a demeaning one. A sweet thing. Sure. Did she be shopping or? Well, bitches do be shopping. Sure.

But we don't marry hoes. Okay. Okay. I don't believe any of the things that I just said. I want to make that clear. Sure. You're speaking in character. Yes.

Yes. I. Yes. Much like I did when i said we at starbucks yes that's my famous character uh guy starbucks borg a collective organism that works at starbucks and uh really is excited about the new flat white. But it's amazing to me. It's amazing. Like I have spent my entire life as a business owner trying to avoid doing business things. Sure. And so like talking to an insurance salesman, especially one who clearly is on the up and up, relies on referrals for his business and is going to do a hell of a good job for you, bud, was a completely foreign experience to me. Amazing.

It was like going on safari. And did you shoot his blue butt? Yes. And you mounted his head above your fireplace. He gave me some business cards in case anybody else I know needs life or disability insurance. Needs life or disability insurance. You know, I went to a tax guy this tax season. Drove up to one of these places. It was a Tujunga or a Toluca Lake or something.

Toluca Lake! Toluca, okay. All I know is that I was on the 170 for a period. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Sure. 170? Sure, the Grove. Yeah, yeah. It's another Los Angeles thing. Sure.

And I did have a nice white chat in his office, and while we were doing tax stuff, he showed me pictures of his kids and told me what they were all up to. Yeah, I mean, I feel like... One of them really needs to get it together. I feel like a

30-minute drive from Los Angeles, you can get right into that shit. You can, 30 minutes out, you're in the fraternal order of the Eagles. Absolutely. Like, it's so easy to slip away from the sweatpants of the Kardashians and into the pleated khakis of the FOE. Yeah. It's kind of magical, really. It is. And then, you know, 30 more minutes to the beach, 30 more minutes to the mountains.

Now, you left America, Jonathan, in order to come here to Los Angeles. I did. I did. You could have just enjoyed, I'm presuming, St. Louis because you went to that Cardinals game. Well, I'm from like two hours outside of St. Louis. Right. Yeah. In fraternal order, the Eagles country.

Very much. Rotary Club. Ooh, yeah. Yeah, very much. You've ever heard of like Huckleberry Finn and Mark Twain? Sure. So that's like in Hannibal, Missouri. The greatest American novel ever?

Yes, I've heard of it. So my hometown is from like directly across the river from Hannibal. Oh. Yeah. Is there a lot of Mark Twain stuff around? There's a white, there's like the whitewash fencing competition every year. I wish, my favorite professor in college was a Mark Twain scholar. His name was Forrest Robinson.

He was just this chill silver fox who liked Mark Twain. He was just super chill. Yeah. Seems like a cool way to be. I know. How come we don't have that life? Yeah. Well, I mean, we've chosen a different path.

Yeah. A path of sexy intrigue. I mean, podcasting. Yeah. Jonathan, did you ever compete in the Whitewash Fence competition? No. No. Didn't even cross your mind?

No. Not on your radar? I did go to the Mark Twain caves. Okay. On several occasions. ever compete in the whitewash fence competition no didn't even cross your mind no not on not on your radar i did go to the mark twain caves okay on several occasions uh that's pretty cool and i also went to his house how'd that go that was pretty cool there's like a little creepy cemetery in the back where all of his like little dead brothers and sisters are buried but not him no well there was like a lot of stillborns back then. Oh, okay. Sure. People were dying left and right as babies. Left and right. When I say people, I mean babies. Smallpox.

Sure. Up, down, all around. Dead babies. Yep. A lot of little ghosts. Yep. Oh. Flying around over there.

Yeah. They love it though. Caw, caw, caw. That's a crow actually. Oh, I'm sorry. I think when, yeah. Wait a minute. So what are those, what do you call those baby ghosts that are on the, you know, that pole out back behind my house?

They all congregate there, those black baby ghosts with the- Yeah, these are crows. With the claws. Yeah. No, crows do martial arts. Vultures. They do karate or taekwondo or something. You're thinking of Asians.

Asians? Yes. Yeah. I guess what I was thinking of, they are Asian. You've seen that movie though, right? Ninja Turtles? The Crow? Yes, I have seen The Crow.

Okay. Yeah. That was when that boy died. So you're telling me that The Crow is actually about baby's ghosts? Yeah. Okay. It's called subtext, Jesse. Got it. But didn't that one boy die in that movie from the bullet that was supposed to be a

blink? Bruce Lee's son. Yeah. He did die. And he was so cute. That's the true tragedy. Taken before his time. He had so many more crows to give.

Yeah. He could have been in that second crow movie that they made without him. Yeah. Did they? I believe so. He could have had a little cameo in the reboot that would probably be happening right now. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

He'd be the villain or something. Yeah. He could have been friends with Sam Ohung. That would be great. Yeah. I had a little adventure today in the zone we were talking about,

kind of up the 170. Do you guys want to hear about it? Yeah, sure. Going to a house party up there in the valley. Not trying to brag. Yeah.

It's a porn house. Oh, a house warming party. Did I say house party? I was going to say a house party on a Monday. Yeah. What is that about? Oh, no, no. This was over the weekend. Oh, got it. This was- Also, todaywarming party. Did I say house party? I was going to say like a house party on a Monday. Yeah. What is that about?

Oh, no, no. This was over the weekend. Oh, got it. This was- Also, today is Thursday. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So two main thoughts here.

Hard to say. Listen, who knows when this is? Yeah, that's true. Housewarming party. Kind of didn't want to go. End of the week, I was like, you know, I've got some Assassin's Creed to beat. I've got some kimmy schmidt to watch sure i don't know it gets less racist by the way that's why i made that noise yeah yeah um

they kind of peak on the racism right around episode two of season two and then around episode four there's this perfect episode that's not racist at all and it's like the funniest thing you've ever seen you forget it was racist and think of a little more racist after that but you're still pretty happy because the jokes are so good. Yeah. And because it's clearly good hearted.

Sure. So you're going to this house party. So I'm going to this house party. Kind of don't want to go. Yeah. It's kind of one of those things and I don't want to get too into this

because I know it's divisive. Right. But I know these people are going to want to play Cards Against Humanity later. I don't want to do that into this because I know it's divisive. Right. But I know these people are going to want to play cards against humanity later. I don't want to do that. Okay. Now, hold on. Yeah. What you're saying is the thing that's going to cause division here is the disagreement between people who prefer to say divisive and those who prefer to say divisive, right?

Yes. Yeah. Wait. Am I saying that wrong? I think both of them are right. I'm going to say both of them are right. Is this a flammable, inflammable thing? I think it may be something like that.

Aluminium and aluminum. Sorry. I know this is going to cause aluminum. No. I didn't really want to stay for Cards Against Humanity. Now, you're saying that this is controversial for two reasons. One, because a lot of people love Cards Against Humanity. Sure. you're saying that this is controversial for two reasons. One, because a lot of people love Cards Against Humanity. Sure.

You just don't enjoy playing it. And two, because one time on the show, you said that, and then the creator of Cards Against Humanity got mad at us. Yes. Yeah. I apologize. We have nothing against that guy. Game's just not for me. Seems like a great guy.

Absolutely. I should be very proud of what he has built. Yeah. An amazing thing that he seems to be using to make the world a better place. Absolutely. So I'm kind of already not into going to this housewarming party, but I'm doing it because it's a good friend. It's a good friend, and I know that I would be on a little bit of a shit list if I didn't show up. So I'm driving in the valley.

Is it Jerry? It's Jerry. Yes. Exactly. Yeah. You get that? It's Jerry. Yes, exactly. You know, yeah. When you get that Jerry house party invite, got to say yes. Got to get over there. They got a pool.

You got to click yes. You know they got a pool. Oh, yum. You know there's going to be some nice crudités. Oof. It's got to be. They let you drink out of the pool. Really?

They will let you drink the pool water. Really? Are you a golden retriever, Jordan? Oh, yeah. I did not know that. Yeah. Okay. That's, yeah.

That's just my sex subculture, though. Oh, got it. Golden retriever. Got it. And I'm just driving and just moved my leg a little bit. Just, you know, normal leg move. Not because of anything. And then my pants rip all the way open from the crotch.

Like, just, it's now. This is still in the car? This is still in the car. So just a simple. Just an airing out. You're just trying to do an airing out. Just a shift. And there was a comical, like the pants just exploded.

But when you say a shift, you don't mean a transmission shift. You mean a shift of your area. My weight from, you know, from just maybe trying to get a ball off a seat. You don't want to get sticky. You get like that stomach ache when you've been sitting on one for too long. Yes! I don't want

that. I don't need that. I've got pleasantries to make. Yeah. Right. So I'm like, okay, well I can go home at this point. But if I go home, I'm not going to this party. Right. These pants are coming off. Kimmy Schmidt's getting on the TV.

Right. And I am conking out around 10. Oh, I love that movie. I just assumed you were going to say beating it to Jane Krakowski. Yeah. I mean, you know. Yeah. I'm not too proud.

No. She's a beautiful woman. She's fucking hilarious. Very funny. Greatowski. Yeah. I mean, you know. Yeah. I'm not too proud. No. She's a beautiful woman. She's fucking hilarious. Talented actress. Very funny. Great singer. Yeah. So, okay.

So I pulled over and just did a quick yelp as to what was around me. Right. Three things were within a mile. This is like being on a road trip and going to the Walmart to get yourself some swim trunks. Yeah. So, yeah. So, basically, what's around, we got an American apparel, we got an Urban Outfitters, we got a Gap. That's not a bad selection.

Good choices. It's pretty good, right? Considering you're in Toluca Lake or whatever, that's really, you could do a lot worse. Absolutely. So, you know. You can get yourself some low-quality basics. It's a sign. Yeah.

So, I chose the G can get yourself some low quality basics. It's a sign. Yeah. So I chose the gap. Because you're pretty rich. Yeah. You know, I'm like, okay, I can. I mean, I'm not making Urban Outfitters money. Right. But I'm certainly making gap money. Right.

I go into the gap and I am walking like, speaking of racism, I am walking like a 50s cartoon of a geisha. Uh-huh. Can you picture this walk? Yeah. It's like a little. Like a little. But that's, I'm just walking like that so people don't see my penis. Right.

Wait, would your penis act? You're gigantic. It's huge. Huge. Private part that you're hiding. That's the one. Yes. You weren't wearing undie pants?

I was wearing undie pants. I was just being colorful. Okay. For the sake of the podcast. Got it. You were just throwing a little spice. Throwing a little spice. A little something for the ladies.

A little cumin. Mm-hmm. A little cumin for the ladies. Yeah. For their pussies. Ow. Yeah, a little pussy cumin. Ouch. I'm going to be cumin before long.

Oh, this show is very fun. This is a very fun show. Jonathan, this is a very fun show. You guys, that was such a joke right there. I didn't even see it coming. Slade. Slade. Yeah.

So anyway. So you're geisha walking 1950 style. Geisha walking. I go up to the pants, the pile of pants, and I found some that looked very similar to the ones that had ripped. Thank God. Oh, really? What are we talking about at Corduroy?

This is a Chino. I knew it was a flat front Chino. I knew it was. I knew it was. I knew it was. Yeah. So then what happened? So this is from the Bonobos website.

Okay. Is that bonobos.com? That's the one. Got it. Put in an offer code. No, they don't sponsor us. Yeah. Fuck them.

Yeah, and the pants ripped in the car. They were old. I got a lot of wear out of these. don't sponsor us. Yeah. Fuck them. Yeah, and the pants ripped in the car. They were old. I got a lot of wear out of these. They were nice pants. Yeah. Find a Chino, flat front Chino.

Yeah. Try them on. Tapered or straight fit? Straight fit. Got it. Try them on. Yeah. And I have never had

good luck with Gap clothes going back to childhood. You know, a popular birthday gift for me was a Gap shirt. And it was always just like a weird tarp that I was wearing, a weird shirt tarp. Popular among people that were giving it to you, not popular for you. No, yes, exactly. This was a common thing for a mom or an aunt to get me. My friend Evan Larson in elementary school, every Christmas, just got Gap socks.

Just so many fucking Gap socks. Sure. You know how Gap had all those colorful socks? Oh, yeah. He'd get all those fucking socks. Mm-hmm. You know what?

You know what? I'm going to do... Jordan knows. Jonathan, you want to know what eight-year-old heterosexual boys do not like?

What? Colorful socks from the Gap. That's the last fucking thing they want. The last fucking thing. You want a transformer. Yeah, exactly. So, I found these, but I try them on. Yeah.

You know, I don't have time to get these tailored. I'm going to have to wear these right to the party. Right. There's no alterations on hand at the Gap. While you wait. This is off off like off the rack the best fitting pair of pants i have ever tried on in my life wow they just fit fucking perfectly in the dressing room even with your giant deck yeah it's like there was a little

pouch for it because look i a lot of pants fit me off the rack, but I have a tiny deck. Sure. So I guess my question for you is, is it normal for you to find junk room in a standard off the rack, or do you have to get it altered? Well, I think that, yeah, I mean, absolutely. I'm having them add a pouch, a gap, if you will. Got it. Into the pants. Got it. These came with it. And it fell right into the gap? Absolutely. Got it. Into the pants. Got it. These came with it. And it fell right into the gap?

Absolutely. Got it. And then I started swing dancing. Remember those? Yeah. Anyway. Sure. It was a real khaki not swing situation because your penis was under control.

So these pants fit great. I'm thrilled. I put on my ripped pants again. I'm thrilled I put on my ripped pants again my strategy is to tell the lady I'm gonna buy the pants and then I'm gonna just quietly explain what has happened

I'm gonna go back in the dressing room change into the pants throw the other ones out so I go out of the dressing room grab a blue pair fucking why not right you can dress this up dress him down

I'm dying for what happens to this story Right. Fucking why not, right? Right. You can dress this up, dress him down. Right, sure. Chino's a wonderful clothes. I am dying for what happens to this story. What happens? So I get to the front, and I'm about to explain to the lady what went on, and she recognized me from when I was on at midnight. And she's like, oh, you've been on? And I'm like, yeah. Anyway, hey, I'm going to buy these, but I'm going to need to change into them.

And she very earnestly looked me in the eye. It's a nice lady, you know, 23, 24. She looks me in the eye and says, have you soiled yourself? A lot of people come in here after they've soiled themselves. I said, no, but I ripped them. And she's like, that's fine. So I change the pants, give them to her. She throws them out.

Very nice. It was a great experience. As far as I know, she didn't tweet about it or anything afterwards. But people go into the gap after they've pissed themselves to buy new clothes? All the time. Soil means poop. Does it? I think so.

I was thinking pee-pee. I think in this case we're talking about a classic spike poop. Wow. Yeah. I mean, soiled is very indicative of shat. Sure. I worked in the Macy's Young Women's, not Women's Collections is what I worked in, which was like, no, it wasn't called that. It was like the hip young adult, but not like the teen, not the teen section, not like the gown section, but like the hip adult women's section.

Yeah. I don't think one person came in there who'd shit their pants. Huh. That you know of. Unless they were talking to my colleagues because they were intimidated by my mask musk. Might be. But yeah, I mean, maybe that's just like what happens in Toluca Lake. Maybe that it's a, you know, you're out there.

Oh, you think that's a classic tea lake situation? Could be. I think that's curious that you would like, have shat my pants before and i never continued like in my journey right i definitely like went the fuck home yeah right that's a situation to be addressed at home yeah for sure yeah yeah for sure mean, both times were really traumatic. Two times? Yeah. As an adult? Mm-hmm. Wow. Do you want to tell us the circumstances surrounding the shacks?

Well, yeah. So, well, but what I learned from, I used to love kombucha tea, like synergy kombucha tea. I can't have it anymore. It turns me straight into the worst mess of a person. Literally. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's like I bridesmaids it i that's why i can't drink coffee with chili in it anymore oh my gosh who can yeah yeah i had like a kombucha tea with like a spinach salad with like seafood and goat cheese

and then i took like five bong rips and then i was like and then i was like let's get yogurt land and then i was like you know i don't feel good i was like i'm gonna go Yogurtland. And then we got Yogurtland. And then I was like, you know, I don't feel good. I was like, I'm going to go ahead and skedaddle on home. Yeah. And I got like four blocks away from my friend's apartment. It was actually an Olympic and Bundy. And all of a sudden I realized, I thought I was crying, but then I realized I was sweating. Oh.

And then I was like, oh my God. I was like, if I relax in my midsection I'm going to spill it out you have to focus on your core yeah but I didn't realize that the reason I was sweat crying was because my entire body was in seizure like I was so clenched and I'm like but I don't live

until Culver City and I'm on Olympic and for people who don't live in Los Angeles, that's quite a ways to go while still clenching your muscles. You're miles. Long clench. That's a long clench. So I turned green. I pooped my pants.

And then I had to drive home. And it was so traumatic because every time I had to turn left or right, I could feel it. Yeah. I was also in my new Lululemon tights, which as we all know are not cheap.

No. Wow. And that does not seem like a great... No. If I'm pooping myself... You don't want tights. I don't mean to be rude. I'm not saying that I'm better than you.

But if I'm pooping myself, I want something that is a closed environment, but not a tight environment. Yeah, very tight, very north. Yeah. Northeast, northwest, southeast, southwest, very much everywhere. Yeah. And then the worst part was, so when I get home, I'm like, thank God it's like 11 o'clock at night. No one's going to be home.

A whole apartment like block party. Oh, jeez. Like all outside my apartment. So you have to make your way through party dudes. All of your neighbors. Did you guys ever see Scary Movie, where she's like, where Anna Faris would be like, I'm not crazy, and then she, like, runs out of the room,

like, ah, with her arms all crazy? Yeah, yes. That was how I ran up the stairs, like, crying with poop all over Lululemon tights. Wow. It didn't occur to you to just, like crying with poop all over Lululemon tights. Wow. It didn't occur to you to just like play it cool through the crowd. You're like, let's. I was so upset that they were all there.

Yeah. So I really broke dishes. Jeez. The whole way up. Can I ask you a really serious question? Yes. This is something that's actually mandated by the FCC, the Federal Communications Commission. Was that story sponsored by Lululemon?

No. Okay. I just wanted to get that out there, if that was sponsored content. Oh, my thing was sponsored by The Gap, though. Oh, okay. No wonder we fell into it so easily. Right, exactly. Yeah, makes sense.

But as long as we are plugging Lulu, I was 27 at the time. I was 27 when I shat those pants. Sure, yeah. I was 27 at the time. I was 27 when I shat those pants. 27-year-old going to the bathroom in tights, you would think those tights aren't going to make it. Right. Well, I'm not going to throw away $120 tights. Is that what you're wearing right now?

Not right now, but I would just say that that silver-rescent, like, Lululemon material, honey, that don't hold a stain. Got it. That shit washed right out? That shit washed so clean. Jeez. It was so clean. So I love those tights okay that's a ringing endorsement for lululemon tights you can shat them and still they can be in the rotation a couple days later i fart a lot in yoga but sure not the not the shitting so much i didn't do it in yoga i know i'm just saying if i'm wearing lululemon tights

it's probably because i'm doing yoga i would live for you'm wearing Lululemon tights it's probably because I'm doing yoga. I would live for you in a Lululemon tight. Thank you. Oh my god, a little tanky in a Lululemon tight just pacing into yoga work. It's a fun look. And a Berkey and a Birkenstock. Full Birkenstock. You're pretty

much exactly describing me going to yoga. Yeah. Wait a minute. Let me give you... It's almost exactly the same it's me in sweatpants and a white t-shirt at the ymca with a bunch of 60 year old women and you're still farting yeah you're all everybody's right somebody farted i went to yoga this morning somebody farted oh man was it funny and I did not betray that I had noticed it at all. But just one of the ladies were all so nice. Some of them are 47 years old. Some of them are 64 years old.

But mostly we're talking about 60-year-old ladies. But one of those ladies tooted. Oh, just like a clarion call. It just cut through the sound of the... Yeah, it was magical. Just gorgeous. Just beautiful. You're a real class act for not saying anything. Would you have said something?

Yeah, I would say, hey, nice fart, lady. But you know what she would say to you? The joke would be on you because she would say, he who smelt it dealt it. Oh, fuck, man. Those ladies are quick. Yeah.

Jeez. Boom, boom, boom. They're not professional comedy writers. They got an answer for everything. They come from an era when even the most talented, the most talented comedy woman was forced to live out a simple life in South Pasadena at the YMCA. Hmm. They couldn't pursue their dreams of comedy.

Yeah, such a boys club. Yeah. That's privilege for you. Jeez, it's time for me to maybe unpack my suitcase. Yeah, it's time for you to unpack the knapsack of white privilege. Man, I haven't done that in a while. Yeah, not since you took that one American Studies

class in college. Oh boy, it's getting it's why it's so stuffed. I've been neglecting my Not since you took that one American Studies class in college. Oh, boy. It's why it's so stuffed. I've been neglecting my white privilege pack. Yeah. I bet it's getting heavy, buddy. You're going to feel light once you unpack that thing. Cool, man.

I'm just going to root around it here for a little bit. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Jonathan Van Ness. What are you, J-Mac, right? I am J-Mac.

I forgot. Come on, get your head in the game. Get it together. Sponsor on this week's program, Jordan, Backblaze. Backblaze. Jordan, Jesse Go is sponsored in part by Backblaze, a personal and business backup for Mac and PC. Here's what it does.

What does it do, Jordan? Here's what it does. Let me ask you this question. Please do. I use Backblaze at home, but for some reason I don't know what it does. What does it do? It provides unlimited online backup for documents, music, photos, videos, and all of your user data and has already been used to restore over 10 billion files. Including a few of mine, Jordan. You can get online access to all of your user data, and has already been used to restore over 10 billion files.

Including a few of mine, Jordan. You can get online access to all of your files from anywhere. You have internet, plus iPhone and Android apps for on-the-go access. And if you're a Jordan Jesse Go listener, and I know you are, you can get a two-week, no credit card required, free trial by going to, get a pen and write this down. Okay. Backblaze.com slash JordanJesseGo. Yeah.

Two-week, free trial, no credit card required, Backblaze.com slash JordanJesseGo. Jordan, I'm going to tell you this about Backblaze real quick. Please. On my home computer, I've got a lot of gigabytes, okay? Sure. I'm talking about music files, MPEG-3 compressions. Yep. I'm talking about home videos.

Okay. I'm talking about documents. Sensitive documents? Sure, of course. Very sensitive documents. Sure. Well, documents for sensitive me. Okay.

I've got all kinds of files. Of course, all for sensitive me. Okay. I've got all kinds of files. Of course, all computers are full of files, but my computer is particularly full of files. This is, literally, if you took the top off of my computer and you looked in there, what would you see, Jordan? Nothing but files. You got it. Okay.

I took the time to upload those files with my Backblaze. So you can access them anywhere. Later on, I accidentally deleted a whole huge fucking thing on my computer one time. I don't remember what happened. It was something confusing drive letters or something. You were on shrooms. I was.

I was wearing these gorgeous Lululemon tights. You wouldn't believe it. Oh, yeah. So I used my Backblaze and I got it back. Sounds like a great endorsement for a wonderful product that people can test. I blazed it right back there. By going to backblaze.com slash JordanJesseGo. Super easy to use.

Super affordable. I genuinely recommend Backblaze. It's a great product. Cool. Okay. Can I say one other thing? Yeah. I'm going to say two other things.

Three other things? Just say two other things. Okay. I'm going to leave it to-. I'm going to say two other things. Three other things? Just say two other things. Okay. I'm going to leave it to- We're tight on time. Two other things. Number one, MaxFunCon East tickets are on sale right now. We do not announce the lineup of MaxFunCon East, but I will say that if you are a fan of mine and Jordan's, you'll probably be happy if you come to MaxFunCon East.

you'll probably be happy if you come to MaxFunCon East. If you're a fan of other popular podcasts on our network that involve adventures, you might enjoy MaxFunCon East. If you like insightful chats and hilarious comedy, you're going to like MaxFunCon East. It's Labor Day weekend in the Poconos. MaxFunCon.com. Tickets on sale right now.

There's also like two beds, I think it is, for regular MaxFunCon because of recent cancellations. Email Eric at MaximumFun.org. I'm just saying if you're a fan of all the people in this room right now, you're going to like MaxFunCon June 10th through 12th. Which we have established all have dongs. Yes. I'm sorry. Exactly. Exactly. One other thing. all have dongs. Yes. Exactly. I'm sorry. Exactly. Exactly.

One other thing. This is something that I brought up last week on the program. I got a lot of positive feedback about it. Mm-hmm. A lot of folks out there,

they're going to the grocery store. They're buying meats willy-nilly. Mm-hmm. Okay? And I've heard that a lot of people

are out there buying lamb. They're buying lamb not just for themselves but also for their children. Frankly, that's about ignorance. People who don't know the danger of lamb. My recommendation to folks out there who might have been in that position is check out Max Fund's new podcast, The Beef and Dairy Network. This is a show that's about, you know, certainly the main topics are going to be beef-related or dairy-related, so cow-related things. But if you don't know about the danger of lamb, and specifically mint sauce, check out the Beef and Dairy Network podcast because you're going to learn a lot. Sounds informative.

This is information that you can put to use right now at home, in your ears, right now. Beef and Dairy Network podcast. Check that out on iTunes. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Jay Mack. No? You were supposed to say your full name. Oh. Then you say your nickname, Jonathan. Okay, okay, okay. Jonathan, I'm canceling your show.

Don't cancel her for that little mistake. It's too late. I've already done it. Let me do it again. I'm Jonathan Van Ness, also known as J-Mac. That was really good, Jesse. I like that you gave me two different – you gave me a series of takes at the end of having said it. Jesse, can you bring the show back?

That was really good. Yeah. You know what? I think people are going to want to learn about a wide variety of subjects with a charming host like Jonathan who really wants to get to the bottom of things with experts. And so I'm going to bring back Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness. You're like the Netflix of podcasts. I'm canceling Gay of Thrones. I don't think you have the authority to do that.

I do. Yeah. I'm going to call Funny or Die. Get Will Ferrell on the phone. I'm going to say, Will, we've never met, but I was once in an office with your ESPY award or something. Okay. No, Guy's Choice Award. Is that an award?

That is an award, yeah. A Spike TV award? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I was once in an office with that. You're going to need to cancel Game of Thrones. I don't know if you have the authority. You know what he's going to say?

Thank you. Oh. He's going to thank me, Jordan, because I kept him away from this troublemaker over here who can't even say his nickname right. I'm the worst. But I will let you keep doing your podcast. Thank you. You're welcome. I really appreciate it.

You are welcome. I really appreciate it. You are welcome. When something momentous happens to you, like a magnanimous podcast dictator allows you to keep your podcast even though you can't keep your nickname straight, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN for our beloved segment, Momentous Occasions.

Now, it just so happens that our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, has been listening to your calls and sifting through them for nuggets of gold. Here's our first nugget now. Hi, guys. This is Megan. I am embarking on a trip on the Appalachian Trail, and I'm so excited.

I'm starting at King's Virginia, and I got dropped off, and I hiked for about two miles, and I'm totally going the wrong way. I hiked my first two miles of the Appalachian South instead of north. Now I'm going to go back to where I started and go the other way. Okay. Yeah. Bye. She's a real daughter of the pioneers. I saw the movie Wild. That's what it made me think of too.

I do not remember it that well. I remember enjoying it. Yeah, this was the part where she's in that alley getting fucked by those strangers. Oh. Yeah. Okay. That's a real part from Wild, by the way. If you haven't seen Wild, don't think that I made that up just to be salacious. I referenced it.

It's an actual part. It's an actual part. It's a really distressing part. Anyway. Did you know that our friend Nick Hornby wrote that movie? Yes, I did know that. Okay. Pass Jordan Jesse, go guest.

A man can write a movie. He sure can. That was a good movie. Yeah, I was just, you know, I was saying that I wish I had remembered that movie well enough. Basically, I saw that movie and walked out of it with a sense of I enjoyed that, but I do not remember anything that happened in the film. Not even the part where she's fucking the strangers in the alley? Don't remember that. She's a sex addict?

That was a flashback, wasn't it, when that happened? Yeah, that was a flashback. That wasn't just a thing that happened while she was yeah that was like there's no alleys right yeah yeah it's a really powerful movie i've just i cried a lot in that movie that was a really intense movie yeah anyway i was saying i i wish i had remembered it well enough to make a funny wild reference at the end of that call but it seems like you guys picked up the slack thanks guys tip of the cap to you, sir. Thank you.

Boy, I feel really supported in here. Remember when she lost one of her shoes? Oh, and that toenail. Yeah. That was grizzly. Oh, that was so grizzly. That was grizzlier than any bear. And didn't you think that that farmer that she asked for help was totally going to like...

Yes, I thought there was trouble with that farmer, but surprise, surprise. You know what? It was nice. Yes, I thought there was trouble with that farmer, but surprise, surprise. You know what? Now that you guys say that, Jonathan, much like the MTV show Sandstorm, Sandblast, slowly came into focus. Sandblast is the guy who fights Spider-Man. But go ahead, Jordan. Much like that slowly came into focus, you talking about that creepy farmer, that is now slowly materializing into my brain i remember thinking that guy was trouble but then spoiler alert he was nice don't judge a book by its cover thank you it's a beautiful song and very apt yeah at this moment i'm glad that was on the tip of

your tongue jonathan because it was the it was it was one of those situations where a song can perfectly distill an emotion in the way that an essay or even a poem can't. You know what I mean? Sure. Do you follow, Jordan? Oh, yeah. I wish I knew a song. Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony.

That is so us right now. I know. We're a bunch of Yankee Doodle dandies. I mean us meaning I mean America. Like where we're at now as a country. 300 million macaroni mad dandies. That's us. Yep.

We love it. We love it. Give us more of that macaroni style. Marco Polo, yes, please. Okay. Feathers for everyone's caps. Next call, please. Hey, everyone.

This is Andy from Evanston. So I live in an apartment, and there's a woman just across the hall and down a few that I used to always see at coffee shops, and she's older and, like, has trouble getting around, like, a concerning amount of trouble. And so I hadn't seen her in about two weeks, and there's, like, a smell coming from the apartment, you know, like a concerning smell, and so I was debating for a while, like, do I really want to, like, bring attention to this, or, like, would it be rude to assume that she's dead and so i call like the 311 number and i get in touch with people and i'm like yeah i haven't seen her for a while and i'm just worried um and i leave the apartment and i hear this from friends that like 10 police officers showed up and like she was not dead and she came out of the apartment like partially nude and like covering herself and everything and there's a big debacle

and uh what ended up happening was that she actually had been in the apartment for those two weeks and was not physically able to like get up to go to the hospital uh where she needed to go for appointments of some kind so by me me thinking that she was dead, I might have kept her from being dead. So I'm still processing this, but it feels pretty momentous. All right. Thank you all so much. See ya. Yeah.

Do you think... That really was a nugget, Brian. That truly was a dank nug. Do you think that the smells coming from the apartment that tipped him off, do you think they were yoga farts? I was going to guess ghost babies, but yeah. One of the two. Yeah. If you have a mystery smell and you got like a backed up sink.

Right. Ghost babies. Or yoga farts. Yoga farts. One of the three. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I would have thought of a neighbor reason to go over and knock.

You know? Yeah. And I was trying to think of what neighbor reason I would use. Cup of sugar? Cup of sugar. Bring in my mail. I feel like if you borrow a cup of sugar, you're going to have to deliver some baked goods later. Yeah, that's true.

You're going to have to actually bake something. That'd be great if you could just borrow the cup of sugar and you go home and you realize you don't have anything else to bake with and then just go back and then borrow the rest of the stuff. Just go and knock on the door and say, got any shredded cabbage?

I'm making kimchi. Sure. That's my, got a clay pot. Yeah. Well, yeah, congratulations to our listener on helping a friend and for tolerating yoga farts. Yeah. Which is really brave. All the ladies in my yoga class are so nice to me.

And I feel a combination of immensely physically powerful and immensely frail when I'm in it because I'm immensely physical because I'm much larger than these people. These ladies, women, beautiful women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, these women are much smaller than me and I could take these women in a fight. Right. So in that sense, I feel immensely powerful. They're dramatically better at yoga than I am. Like night and day, I can't touch my toes. I can barely touch my knees. Well, and their bodies create life, right?

Thank you. I know. Not anymore, Jordan. Oh, yeah, that's true because of the change. Yeah. But at one point, they could. Yeah. It is a very unusual experience.

I think it's very different from going to your nice Hollywood yoga situation. You know, I think the yoga level that I will go to is not that dissimilar. I go to the low-level yoga where you do get a lot of, I was going to say gray ladies, a lot of folded up New York Timeses. You got the occasional babe in there. But it is, I think the level that I'm going to is in general an older person's level. Got it. I will see the jacked fellas coming in and out, but they are going to another stratosphere yoga that I can't hang with. Very intimidated by even the thought of someone.

Literally, if like a good looking 41 year old was in there, there's some good looking like 46 year olds. If there was a good looking 41 year old, I wouldn't be able to do yoga. Male or female? I wouldn't be able to do yoga. Yeah. Male or female. I want to be clear. Look, all the exercise I do, it is something that can also be done by like an older Russian woman who has had hip surgery recently. You know what I want to do? Hmm? Old Chinese lady exercises.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Those are cool. What are you talking about? Like a Tai Chi in the park? Tai Chi, Qigong. Like not just the Tai Chi, Qigong, but the like active exercise stuff. That stuff that they used to do in China every morning.

Everyone did it all at the same time. Like calisthenics? Yeah, those calisthenics. Yeah. That's what I want to do. Cute. I want to do those communist calisthenics. I love that.

You're a yoga enthusiast, right? You're like a serious yoga. I am a big serious yogi. Where are you going? What? Where are you yoga-ing? Yeah, what kind of yoga places are you going to? Oh, I like Maha.

I like Equinox. Not the specific names of the y'all. I was asking that. Okay. That's what I thought too. Yeah. Sorry. That's what I thought too.

But if we're talking subjects to be a little bit more broad, I like Vinyasa Flow. I like a Power. I like a He broad, I like vinyasa flow. I like a power. I like a heated. I like an ashtanga. I tend to go more towards, you know, more active, you know, muscular practices. Got it. What kind of clientele are in your classes? Probably rip dudes, right?

Well, it's people that are into yoga. You know, I'm going to those, like, level two threes. So it's people that are into yoga you know i'm going to those like level two threes so it's people that are like into yoga for sure you mean it very attractive you mean attractive well they're you know for me the experience of yoga is really about going inside you know i spend so much time like giving because i'm a hairdresser so i spend so much time like you know giving away all of my energy. So for me, when I'm really going to yoga, I'm really taking that opportunity to like not give up.

Suck in the energy of others. No, just, I mean, I'm in my own bubble. Like a black hole sucking in energy. Yeah. No, not really. It's selectively permeable. And then once that energy passes the event horizon, it's turned into spaghetti. I don't think you were listening, Jesse.

He said it's selectively permeable. Yeah. So. Okay. Yeah. Selective permeability, which I select to not be permeable when I'm in yoga so I can really recharge my battery. Can I give you guys a quick recommendation about semi-permeable objects? Sure.

Uh-huh. I ordered these window screens that are the exact shape of my windows of my car. Uh-huh. And you put them in with little clips and you can roll down the window when the screen stays there. Mm-hmm. These things are fucking tremendous. What does that do? Shades your children so they quit complaining about how the sun's in their eyes and it keeps your car cool.

Oh. That's fierce. Yeah. That's really fierce. Thank you very much, Jordan. Hey, it's pretty slayed. Did I use that right? Mm.

Mm. It's more fleeky deaky. Yeah. It's more fleeky deaky, Jordan. Is there a new thing to say that I should be on the lookout for? Yes. What's next? What's the next thing to say? You're talking to people all day, giving them your energy.

talking to people all day giving them your energy um it would be like that is oh merked is a thing merked yeah okay how would i how would i use that what other gangster rap slang from 1996 are people using? Merked is the only one I can think of right now. Ghosting. Ghosting, yeah. Everybody's ghosting these days. But shit's out there getting merked? Yes.

Yes, it is. And I just thought of this other thing that I ghosted that I'm not going to talk about because my filter just worked. Got it. Which is really cool. Really cool. Yeah, it filter just worked. Got it. Which is really cool. Really cool. Yeah, it's really great. Got it. Selectively permeable.

Excuse me. Sidebar. Yes. That green tea latte that we got. Uh-huh. I'm sweating like a pig in heat. Well, it's hot in here. It's also very hot in here. But you throw a green mocha tea latte on top of that.

Boom. And it is a whole other thing. If we keep you away from bong rips though we're safe right what if we keep you away from five bong rips we're still safe the thought of someone keeping me away from five bong rips makes me very angry it's like getting between a bear and it's like how dare you i got bad news jonathan we're getting yogurt land delivered oh would that be nice to cool it off a little bit? Wouldn't that be nice?

I'm about to turn this into a tinkini. I would love some Yogurtland right now with those little mochi balls. Ooh, that is tasty. That's a pretty good topping. That's what I love. That is a pretty good topping. When it comes to toppings in a topping bar at a frozen yogurt by weight store, there is no doubt that what I am looking for is those little mochi things. Right. That's my favorite. I like them

because they're chewy. Hey, we got one more call in this call out. Jordan, Jesse, go and get this is Dallas from Cerritos, California. It's after midnight on a Monday and I am driving home from

a threesome with two people I met on the internet. And they were just the nicest couple. Totally lovely. They gave me a water bottle and a granola bar for my drive home. The only thing was I had to fake an orgasm twice because I was getting too weepy. So yeah, get them, get them, was getting too sleepy. So, yeah. Get him, get him, get him. Bye.

Well, get him, get him. That's kind of amazing. It sounds like a really nice threesome. What my worry is is that he is going to hit her up for brunch when the wife or girlfriend isn't around. And then they're going to have this really intense connection. And then the girl who was the girlfriend or wife is going to be all fucking left out

and super upset and super rageful. And that sweet girl's granola bar and a water bottle is going to turn into some whole other thing. All this drama. Can I tell you what I'm concerned about? I'm concerned that I immediately imagined that they go to Costco to get water bottles and granola bars for their threesome partners. Like they have a flat of them under the sink. Sure.

Well, I mean, it's for a variety of. Sort of like you would if you had a soccer car pool. Yeah. It's your snack day. Yeah. It's your snack day. Yeah. Do you think it was like a full 14-ounce water or one of those little 8-ounce waters? I'm sure an Uber water. Yeah. I'm picturing an Uber water as well.

If you're a heterosexual swinger couple meeting your threesome partners off of what I can only imagine will be Craigslist or something, I'm saying it's an 8-ounce bottle of water. Now, we were talking about swipe apps. It could have been that. It could have been that. It could have been that. Treander? Yeah. Treander? I think it's an eight ounce bottle of water. Now, we were talking about swipe apps. There is. It could have been that. It could have been that. It could have been that. Treender? Yeah. Treender?

I think it's Treender. I think that's how it's pronounced. Try? Because it's T-R-I. It's got to be Treender. I think Treender. Because it rhymes with grinder and it has try in it. No, I think it's Treender because there's three people.

But that's actually Triangle, not Treeangle. Hmm. I'm so sorry. Your curls have never looked better. Thank you. But I am mispronouncing this app. Yeah. The three-way app. Yeah, you are. And I'm sorry that I was so 1995 and said that they did it on Craigslist. I'm sorry. No, no, that's okay. I just don't know about straight stuff.

But that very well could be. It's okay. That's my biggest hesitation about an open relationship situation though is that that whole brunch scenario. What about a triple team? How would you feel about being in a triad? I just don't. It's crouched tree.

You're talking about a thruple. Is that what you're saying? My friend's uncles are a thruple. They all live in. Don't say Palm Springs. One of them has really long hair and the other one has kind of short hair. Because I know that some of them live there and they're really fierce. They're all like super cool like 56-year-old dudes.

And they all live in an apartment building that's part of a hotel like in Hollywood bywood by uh by where the fancy bowling place are they kind of mask mask uh no they're medium they're no they're not berry no they're very they're very neat oh yeah they're very neat uh but not like fussy neat and not daddies they're not real daddy ish no they're not they're're not. They're kind of like... Like three Anderson Coopers? Yeah, like a triple Anderson Cooper. That's exactly what they're like. Three Coops? Yeah, they're like a triple Coop.

Yeah, a triple shot of the A-Sing. If it was on 6'1", 6'2", and 6'3", I could see it. No, they're pretty medium-sized. I'm going to say between 5'8 and 5'11. So they're brunch friends. Or brunch friends. Yeah, they're brunch friends. Or brunch friends. But they also are a three-pole.

Yeah. A thruple. A thruple. They're not just... You could also say a Vicky Cristina Barcelona situation. Oh. A VCB. Yes.

That's not just where an old guy writes a movie so that he can see his favorite movie stars naked. Oh, is that what that was about? I think that's what Vicky Cristina Barcelona was about. Woody Allen writing a movie so that he could... I love that movie. And I'm so sad that Woody Allen is the writer of it. Yeah, and is possibly a horrible human being.

Yeah, it's like a lot. I feel sad. Yeah. Let's end that on a high note. Yeah. Let's lift that on a high note. Listen, all of our favorite artists are monsters. Not everyone. Jordan, would you be interested in a throuple?

Like, well, I don't know. I can't seem to manage a tuple these days. Wait, here's a hot roleplay fantasy. Please. This sounds fun, by the way. You walk into the way. Yeah.

You walk into the gap. No. Because I've soiled myself. I want something really off the beaten path. Something Bass Pro Shop. Okay. You walk into Bass Pro Shop. Cool. There is this very moderately between mask and femme couple of lesbians.

They're very right in the middle. Sure. Right. They've never been with a man. Right. They don't like men. Sure. They are only into each other until they turn around and they lay eyes on Gorge Jordan.

Sure. Flannel, jeans, boot you have fishing rods sure I've got all kinds of rods by the way Gorgeous Jordan is your professional wrestling name yes Gorgeous Jordan and basically they enter you into their thruple into their couple

you become the thruple and you're the first and only man they have ever had eyes for and you guys like grow old together like that is your thing fuck man isn't that gorgeous great it's gorgeous that sounds great that's gorgeous now i will i insist on nothing less from my relationships now and it adds that whole extra layer of like you're the only one for them yeah yeah fuck man That sounds great. Thanks. I'm going to start doing, like, that erotic fiction.

I'm going to start writing erotic fiction. Just about, like, guys you meet? Yeah, just like, yeah, totally. And, like, their sea bass pro shop encounter. Yeah. What are they doing at the bass pro shop? They love bass fishing? No, they were getting, like getting some outdoor things to go to.

They were going to go do a little camping. Oh, at San Luis Obispo. Oh, yeah. Beautiful this time of year. So they needed to get a beautiful air mattress and a gorgeous tent and lantern. And thank God they got a California king-sized tent because now Jordan's going to go too. I don't need a lot of space. Is that our tents are sized by mattress? Same as beds.

Yeah, I think so. Same as beds. And then I'm going to go with like, their names are probably like, one of them's parents were Russian. So her name is actually Maria. And then the other, and she's like 40.

And then the other one is like, she's like 36. And her name is one is like, she's like 36. And her name is Sam. So these are a little older than Jordan. Yeah, they're a little bit tiny older. Yeah, but that's fine. That's fine. You're very comforted there.

And her name is Sam. And they're like pretty practical. Like they're like, they're really sensible. Yeah, they're right in the middle. Are they like, when you say right in the middle, do you mean like maybe a little boyish? No, not, no, right in the middle. Not like a- They're right in the middle.

They're not too butch. They're not too femme. They're just smack in the middle. So they're not like a Rachel Maddow situation. No, they're right in the middle. Okay. They're just smack in the middle. So where-

I wouldn't mind that. Maddow can get it. Where are they on this? I know. I think that, I think like a pretty boyish lesbian is very attractive. Yeah, absolutely. We love a pretty boyish lesbian.

I love, I mean, you know, that fem scale aside, I think this is a perfect scenario. I think this is perfect for me. I think it's really, really beautiful.

This is what I have been waiting for. I think it's really sweet and special. Thank you. Thank you for this. And it's poly, and it's now, and it's, yeah.

My Yankee doodle, yes. Yes's now. Hi, my Yankee Doodle dash MD. This is my Yankee Doodle. And they're my Yankee Doodle gals. Don't you hear that vibrato in there? It's nice vibrato.

Wow. Thank you very much. Well, we're all having a great time today. Yeah, we really are. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, trends like these what's trends like ask? Well, it's a podcast where we take the news trending on the internet and we cover it in podcast form. We go beyond the headlines, beyond the memes to bring you the real story so that when your friends bring it up, you can look real smart.

We take things that need to be debunked and we debunk them. And then we take things that need to be re-bunked and we re-bunk them. We bring you all the details and we give you a spin on it. Our opinions, our thoughts, and we also try to dig up some positive things to talk about. So it's not all bummers. Just a couple of real life friends talking internet trends. So join us every Thursday on MaximumFun.org and wherever podcasts are found. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jonathan Van Ness, J-Mac. Jonathan is giving us the most astonishing take. It's an amazing take. You guys, I don't even know how you can have listened to this program and not have gotten these amazing takes. Just go back and listen again and imagine the most hilarious, delightful takes. Yeah. We should be periscoping this thing.

It's like Jerry Lewis in here. Yeah, it's amazing. He's just hitting us with take after take after take after take. Each more beautiful than the last. The mugging is astonishing, the looks he's giving us. The fucking best. Oh, my God. Just one into the next.

Yeah. Slayed. They're slayed, each one of them. Over the shoulder. Mm-hmm. Boy. Boy. Boy, howdy. Jonathan, what do we got just concluded and just coming up on Getting Curious?

Well, we just concluded What's Gender Identity with Ian Harvey, which was amazing. And coming up, we have What's It Like to Grow Up in China, and that'll be out on Wednesday, next Wednesday, and that'll be out on Wednesday, next Wednesday, and this coming Wednesday. And also we have an astronomy episode in the works. We have a fun What is Shame, which is going to be a great episode. And I also have criminal justice reform in the works. So we have some fun episodes coming up. Basically, the premise of this show, Jordan,

if you haven't heard it, is Jonathan is, as you can tell from him being on this program, the most charming man in the world. And he's also sincerely curious about tons of things. So he thinks about something he wonders about, brings in a very serious, sincere, power-minded expert on that subject, and then just assumes nothing and just goes to town asking them questions. Pretty much. It sounds like a terrific

and Jonathan was telling me some of the topics that he's covered during one of our breaks. All things I am curious about myself. For instance growing up in China and Bernie Sanders. Oh yeah. That was a great episode. The Bernie Sanders episode was really fun.

I am looking forward to downloading this program. And I think one of the things I like is that a lot of them are things that you don't know about, but maybe you're kind of embarrassed to admit you don't really know about. Like, I know that I don't know what the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims is.

He did an episode on that. Get in there. You actually find out. You don't have to tell anyone that you didn't know beforehand you can just act like it was just reaffirming information that was already in your head looking forward to this show

it's fun it's a fun show Ed you get all the fun of Jonathan Van Ness that's a bonus what a lovely bonus he's also a hairdresser if you need to get your hair dressed

you probably I'll dress it right on up you got too many clients already I do have a lot of clients yeah but I always can make room for one more I always make it work So go holler at Jonathan

That's what I say He's on Snapchat right now Snapping away Yep My sweat marks on my chest Brian Fernandez The producer of our program Sonny D

The man, the myth The legend Get at us on Reddit Maximumfun.reddit.com a lot of fun to be had there a lot of big a lot of big Jonathan Van Ness fans on reddit

I love you guys on reddit it's really true wait but thank you Jordan Jesse for having me on I really appreciate it thank you for coming this was a great fun episode

I laughed a lot and I have a new life goal which is meet a couple of nice lesbians in a Bass Pro Shop Bass Pro Shop fuck I want that to happen.

Sounds great. Sounds so good. Do you know how little drama there is in that fucking relationship? Just how little bullshit is going on? Oh, man. Oh, boy. Just shits getting taken care of.

Everyone's caring for each other. Fish are getting caught. Yeah. You're providing the variety that prevents bed death? Yeah. Just all kinds of- Happy to help, by the way. Happy to help.

Man alive. That's a winning situation. Oh, and that lady said that she had the three-way in Cerritos. I was thinking of that radio commercial that goes, you take 605 to South Street, Cerritos Auto Square. Do you think she had it at the Auto Square there? I would love. Listen, if anybody has a beat on some sex parties, have it at the Cerritos Auto Square.

Like there, right there, right there in like a Jeep Wrangler Unlimited. That would be great. That's like in Titanic. Yeah. Yeah. Just like that. Like in the movie Titanic. Take 605 to South Street.

I remember when Leo sang that song. Cerritos Auto Square. Yeah. As he was coming. No, the hand in the mirror. That's when he stole my heart. Yeah. You're here. Yeah. As he was coming. No, the hand in the mirror. That's when he stole my heart. Yeah. Yo, here.

Yeah. I thought you meant that when he sang the Cerritos Auto Square song, which was another good part you have to admit. It was a great part. It was a good part. There's a lot of good parts of Titanic. There's I'm King of the World. Sure.

There's a hand on the mirror. There's the part where he sings, take six. So five to South Street, Cerritos Auto Square. Yep. That was pretty. Thank you. I don't know. I got it at Galpin.

Do they only play that on the rap station? I got it at Galpin. It's a Galpin song. Who man, who man, who man Hyundai? That's one. Yeah, that's a nice solid tune there. Yeah. Anyway.

Anyway, the point is that our feelings are best expressed through the gift of song. Cool. Brian Fernandez on the boards. Maximumfun.reddit.com. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. I want to give two shout-outs before we go. I talked about this change.org petition to get me on Archer. Really appreciate that.

It's already borne some fruit, Jordan. I'm not on Archer yet. Okay. But I'm getting there. Number one, we've been offered a part on the Amazon cartoon Danger and Eggs. Soft offer. It's a soft offer. Yeah.

We do not have parts. It's just a general principle. I'll talk to my boss about it. But I think it's going to happen. I hope so. I believe in it. Yeah I think it's going to happen. I hope so. I believe in it. Yeah. And you know what else we got offered?

We're going to be the voice of a gate at JFK. Keep an ear out for that. Yeah, keep an ear out for that. Somebody works at a gate. He loves Jordan Jesse Go. He reached out to us. Would you record the script for my gate? We said, oh, shit, yeah.

Absolutely. We are here for your voiceover needs i think is basically what we're trying to communicate yeah and i do you need voiceover we've got voices i will record any type of announcement i will do i will do it for free your community theater your lions club your restaurant's outgoing voicemail Your Planned Parenthood Yeah absolutely I would love to do Planned Parenthood I love that Yeah

You got it We're here for you You know Ken Roberts works down there at Planned Parenthood The Gulf Coast They're the ones who bring the condoms for Max Fun Con I think Ken Roberts could make me the voice of a Planned Parenthood I should hope so That's what they want right

Yeah They want like a deep authoritative Square sounding male voice Roberts could make me the voice of a Planned Parenthood? I should hope so. That's what they want, right? Yeah. They want like a deep, authoritative, square-sounding male voice. Yes, I think so. Yeah. So people feel comforted. Yeah. Okay. Got it.

We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, go. Bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.