Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 428: Scooby-Doo Denouement with Rob Kutner

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

Comedy writer Rob Kutner joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's first Transformers viewing, Jesse's ideal 3D space documentary, and Rob's new scripted Howl podcast starring Ken Jennings and Weird Al. Plus Jordan dusts off American Accent Liam Neeson for some important voice over work.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Thank God, Jordan. Yeah. Thank God we have finally started recording this smash hit podcast. Oh, you had something specific to say. I thought you were just like

going to be more religious on the show now. No, just more grateful. Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, just overall, I'm just trying to be glad. I just, every day, I thank the Lord that I woke up that morning. Sure.

Every day above ground is a good day, right? You got it. Exactly. Well, I learned that from my time in the Mexican mafia mafia i i always believed that until i became a spelunker oh and then every day below ground you got now that's a good day you got it because you're doing what you love spelunking i call it lunkin i call it i call it spelling oh okay well we each call it spelling. Oh, okay. Well, we each call it something different.

So let's call the whole thing off. I was just saying, thank God that we're finally recording our podcast, Jordan, Jesse, Go, during the magic hour. Mm-hmm. We're awash in golden light right now. Yeah. I look as good as Megan Fox does inspecting a chassis. Yeah. Is that something that happens a lot in the, what's that called?

Decepticon movies? Yeah. In the popular Decepticon movies. Yeah. I mean, apparently a lot of, you know, a lot of what you want that magic hour for isn't necessarily the robot fights, but for babe car inspection. Got it. That's how a babe looks best, checking out a sweet ride. Did you watch any of those movies?

I watched the first Transformers movie. I watched it. It was, I remember it well because it's like remembering the first time you were stung by a bee. Like, it's just so awful. Hold on. like it's just so awful uh well do you hold on i can talk about our first my first transformers experience maybe we can introduce our guest our guest on the program our guest this week on jordan jesse go uh look he may be america's some some would say Mark Twain. I would say America's most celebrated comedy writer is Rob Kuttner. He's got a Peabody.

He's got multiple Emmys. I've read his Wikipedia entry. And he works for Conan. He's got a brand new program called Runaway Brains, which I think I got the name of right. Called Runaway Brains, which I think I got the name of right, on the Howl Premium Podcast subscription service, to which we have not been invited to contribute. Rob Kuttner, how are you, Rob? Nice to see you. Nice to see you, too.

I want to correct you. The Runaway Brains? It's Runaway Brains. Got it. It's Welsh. Sure. It's Welsh. I think it's a very accessible language. Got it. Got it. what it's runaway brains got it it's welsh so it's welsh okay i think it's a very accessible language got it got it got it and second i prefer to think of myself as america's samuel clemens how how do you i'm a public radio host rob name dropper literally the only award and we're going to talk about the transformers in a minute, but I want to get to this. Literally the only award for which I qualify is the Peabody Award.

In my opinion, and I think a lot of people out there share this opinion, I deserve a Peabody Award almost by default. Because I have chosen to dedicate my life to public service in the specific area of public radio hosting. Just based on your yearly income, if it goes below a certain threshold, you should qualify, I think. Exactly. When broadcasting, yes. Yet I have never won a Peabody Award and yet you, who work for Conan, perhaps television's

most frivolous program, own one such an award. Well, let me make you feel a little bit better. Yeah. It's not the Peabody Award from the University of Georgia for excellence in journalism. It's a Mr. Peabody Award. Oh, for hilarious time travel. Tiny twerps. For time travel with a boy.

Right. It's twerps only? Right. Twerpy dogs who are kind of dicks and have like glasses and a boy doesn't listen. Got it. Okay. Well, that explains that. Let's talk about Transformers. Was that their dynamic? That's right. What did you think? I thought it was pretty

passive-aggressive, right? It was like not a good team. Yeah. No, right. I think you're right. I think, yeah, remembering the Mr. Peabody and Sherman segments of the Rocky and Bullwinkle program, yeah, I think Mr. Peabody was kind of a dick. Mr. Peabody and Sherman, that's Rocky and Bullwinkle program. Yeah, I think Mr. Peabody was kind of a dick. Mr. Peabody and Sherman, that's those two Russian spies? You're thinking of Boris and Natasha.

Mr. Peabody is a time-traveling talking dog, and Sherman is his boy. Right, so one is a moose and the other is a squirrel? Uh, no. This is a time-traveling dog. Double down, Jesse. Double down. Yeah. One more. What do you got? What else do you got from the J. Ward family of cartoons? Okay, so Fractured Fairy Tales. Yeah. Oh, we What do you got? What else do you got from the Jay Ward family of cartoons?

Okay. Fractured fairy tales. Yeah. Oh, we were looking for Dudley Do-Right. We were looking for Dudley Do-Right and Snidely Whiplash. And Super Chicken. There's a man in a loincloth who swings through the forest. There you go.

He's got a catchy theme song. You're thinking of Amos and Andy. Oh, got it. This is two white guys who shouldn't be doing that? Yeah. Oh, you're thinking of Famous and Andy. Oh, got it. This is two white guys who shouldn't be doing that? Yeah. Oh, you're thinking of famous Amos. Got it. The delicious cookies.

That should not be consumed by whites. One time when I was a teenager, my mom goes, you know, I knew famous Amos. Oh, yeah? What the fuck? How did I not know that the first 16 years of my life? Boy, I know I don't know how she. How do you start that talk, though, with your kid? Yeah, that's a good point. Well, you gotta...

It's awkward, but you gotta sit... They're not gonna learn that in school. That's true. I mean, Jesse, I know... Listen, I don't want to insult you or your family. Right. It's the last thing I want. Sure. But you're... Knowing what I know about your mom, Judy... Which is a fair amount. Judith Thorne.

Who's a lovely woman. Professor... Nothing but lovely to me. a fair amount. Judith Thorne. Who's a lovely woman. Professor. Nothing but lovely to me. Hospitable. Professor Judith Thorne. Is there a chance that during her wild days in the 60s. And 70s. And 70s. Do you think she fucked famous Avis?

Yes. I think there is a significant chance. And he's not famous for the cookies i have a little tidbit yeah that smile he has yeah that's the smile he got right after before that it was a glowering cookie they're like take the picture now for once for once he looks like he's got a naughty little secret That was his only moment of joy And they caught it He takes

The whole time he was creating and building His chocolate chip cookie empire There was an emptiness Inside him That actually showed on the outside And was through and through A sadness A malaise, a darkness, a cloud obscuring his son.

But then my mom fucked her way through all that? Yes. He was sort of studded with chips of sadness. Chips of sadness. Was that the inspiration for his famous cookies? The chips of sadness or your mom? The Chips of Sadness. I want to go back to your mom.

Well, that was the original recipe, I think. And, you know, it didn't sell. Right. It didn't sell as well. What if we replace these tears with chocolate? Got it. Got it. Turned out to be a pretty big business.

Could work. How did your mom know Famous Amos? Did she go into it at all? I don't remember. Hmm. I just remember. Wait, wait, wait. You didn't have a follow-up.

You're an almost Peabody Award winning journalist. You didn't follow up on that. I'm a Peabody deserving journalist. Right, right. Peabody robbed journalist. Can I tell you one time the Peabody Awards asked me to apply for the Peabody Awards. Like I got an email from the Peabody Award committee or whatever. Please submit a packet for the Peabody Awards.

I then submitted the packet, which cost like $300 or something. Did not win a Peabody Award. It was like the sorority who asked you to pledge just so they can haze you. It was pretty dark. Did you have to swallow a whole goldfish? No, but Kurt Anderson punched me. Oh, okay. He's a scrapper.

That guy's got like four Peabody Awards. You know, Jesse, don't feel bad about your mom. Yeah. Fucking famous, famous. Oh, I feel great about it. My mom did some college lesbian experimentation with Mrs. Butterworth. Sounds hot. Yeah.

She likes bodacious, babe. Sure, yeah Got it She got a taste of some of that syrup Yeah That sweet pancake grease That's what I call syrup Pancake grease

Well, my mom fucked John Hydrox She was at a party She got friend-zoned by Bill Oreo Right And she's like Who's the next most famous cookie baron I can fuck? She said not quite Oreo. It was like a pale substitute.

I'm just glad that your mom was out there fucking in the 1880s. Does it date back? I think a Hydrox is pre-Oreo. I think it's a 19th century. It's what the coal miners would take down when they lunked or spelled. Yeah. They would take a satchel. It was originally a cure for black lung.

It did not start as a cookie. If you guys didn't think Rob Kuttner was paying attention, there's evidence to the contrary. I was plugged in. I have a stenographer as one of those little tiny typewriters that they have in the courtroom. Thank you. Thank you for taking – I put it to a halt. I was imagining you doing that, and I liked it a lot

so I had to take a beat to think about were you just a little bit? yeah a little bit a little semi? yeah half chub a dimmy chub I call it I'm so full I can't possibly eat a whole chub Mr. Creosote please

Jordan you were about to tell us I was about to talk about the Transformers movie God the focus it's great You know if you don't finish a story Podcasts I gotta say you can just go so far afield You can be like uncovering the Kennedy mysteries At some point And then it all comes back to Game of Thrones

At some point you have to discuss Game of Thrones Although there's an Exemption as long as someone Yells Hodor at some point. At some point you have to discuss Game of Thrones. Although there's an exemption. As long as someone yells Hodor at some point, you're covered. So I never had much of an attachment to

the Transformers as kids. Had a couple of toys. Didn't know too much about the lore. Transformers more than meets the eye. I can sing that. You were more of a GoBots guy? A big GoBots guy. Didn't like the Ghostbusters. I liked the real Ghostbusters, which is

the ape in the talking car. Oh, no. Those were not the real Ghostbusters. No, those were the Ghostbusters. Those were the Ghostbusters. The cartoon Ghostbusters. And the real Ghostbusters was the cartoon of the movie Ghostbusters. Sure. As long as it wasn't chicks, I don't care. Yeah.

Yeah, right? That talking ape's a man, right? That's right. Is that talking car? Yeah, so, I mean, like you liked Hydrox. Or I guess your mom preferred Hydrox. Well, I'm partially descended from it. Okay, sure.

Yeah. I enjoyed all of the rip-off cartoons more. No, so I didn't know. I don't know too much about the transforma verse uh uh but uh i was um i saw my first transformers movie in hawaii uh i was there working with the the fuel tv we were in our we're doing our i used to work for a tv network that did a lot of uh skateboarding snowboarding snurfing uh action sports. So we would go to Hawaii once a year to cover a big surfing contest, and they would rent us a nice house,

and sometimes these surfing contests would get rained out. So it was just – so they bought you a one-way ticket to Hawaii, and you just had to hang out there until this surfing contest happened. But it wouldn't always happen on time because they will only do it when the waves are perfect. One time my dad was living in Hawaii and he ate magic mushrooms every day for a week. Go ahead. Okay.

It was a similar situation. Yeah. Worthy tangent. And so we're in this Hawaii dude house and it's raining and raining and raining and not a lot to do in Hawaii when it's raining. And it was real dudes that you used to work with. Our friend Chris Fairbanks was one of the least doody of the dudes. Yeah, I think he, in the comedy scene, Chris Fairbanks is a super dude.

But I think amongst these dudes, he is an art sissy. Yeah. And I am a living cat. I think that is the dude hierarchy. As opposed to the usual kind. Yeah, a dead cat. So it's raining and there's a Transformers on TV. The Transformers 1 is on TV.

I've never seen it. I enjoy an action romp. Sure. Who doesn't? One of the dudes insisted it was great. I needed to see it. And I sat down to watch it. And so the standards are so low for this being entertaining.

Right. We're a little frustrated. I mean, who wouldn't be frustrated in Hawaii? Right. Well, it's raining outside. You can't go see the surfing. Sure. And I just hated this thing so much.

It's just one of my least favorite movie experiences. Well, you were just hoping for live free or die hard, basically. Yeah, absolutely. Like rainy FX movie. I don't know, I'll take a Taken. I'll take a bad late Die Hard sequel. Right. So much

that would have been acceptable in that situation. Anything with Justin Long and a computer screen. Yeah, yeah. Weird Conan reboot starring Khal Drogo. Remember that? I would have watched that. He fought sand guys in that. Well, it's kind of unfair because any movie where you're supposed to want Shia LaBeouf to live. It's just the standard is so unfair.

I just hated this thing so much. And it was not necessarily the action, which was very bad. It was just so, the action is so confusing. Even that? Yeah, the action is very bad. It's so confusing. It's just like, you know, I guess if you went through it, if you went through it on a laser disc frame by frame, you could see that there were cool things happening, but it all just happened so fast. It just looks like, yeah, I mean, it just looks like the TV went to static for a second and that was robots fighting. Did you feel like you were watching MTV? Yeah, right, exactly. All these cuts. Yeah, I know, I sound like such a fucking old man during this. But the thing that I did not like about it

more than the bad action was there's so much bad comedy in this thing. Like, the first half of the movie, before the robots start incoherently fighting, are just a goofy comedy about Shia LaBeouf trying to fuck Megan Fox, and there's a lot of improv. You know, from celebrated improv comedian Shia LaBeouf. to fuck Megan Fox. And there's a lot of improv, you know, from celebrated improv comedian Shia LaBeouf.

There's just so much bad comedy and weird racial character robots, none of which are funny. I would appreciate a funny racial character robot. But, yeah, none of them. Like a French guy? Yeah, like a funny French guy. Or a sullen Eskimo. I don't know. Isn't that a little on the nose?

It is a little on the nose. I think we've seen sullen Eskimos. Did you know the Eskimo robots have 16 words for oil? Shh. Stop sleeping. Peabody 2. Right this way. What?

The Peabody delivery man is here. That's right Wherever Jesse Thorne is, bring it to me in front of him Yes, make him watch Oh, you got Polk Awards too? You just got Peabody cut, Jesse Did not watch another man get your Peabody Oh, I thought it was when Mr. Peabody fucks your wife

Yeah, right, yeah He has to get on the ladder because he's really short. But sometimes they do it in the American Revolution. That's right. And I just hated this thing. I feel like I, you know, I think the men of our demographic, internet whites, I'll call them. Right. Rise up.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. Rise up. Defeat everyone. Male Ghostbusters only is our rallying cry. Yeah. You know, I think we tend to- Hold on.

Okay. Our rallying cry is that the proton packs are too small. Yeah. It's not about gender. by the way why isn't the trailer funny even melissa mccarthy says it could have been more funny um boss is melissa mccarthy right the boss herself melissa mccarthy uh you know i think i think men of our demographic i think we make each other we think we make ourselves a little miserable at the movies these days. I think we – I don't know.

I think, you know, there's the nerd who thinks that Batman should never turn on the bat signal. And then there's the – Wait, Batman turned on the bat signal? That's a complaint I heard about the last – the Batman Superman movie. That was the one flaw that people found. Yes, I know. There's one thing wrong with that movie and it's that Batman turned on the bat signal. It's like a beauty mark that makes the rest of it even more

beautiful. Yes, exactly. Why did he turn on the bat signal? To remind himself to fight a crime. Booty call. Right, yeah. Helps him get to sleep. He heard Michelle Pfeiffer was in town. Yeah, he just wanted to feel important. Got it. So there's that. It would be awesome if the Bat

Signal had a mode that was like those little projectors for infants where it like projects like sheep and nursery rhyme characters. As a white noise also. It just projects the face of the man that killed your parents. And you just lay on your back

and you get more and more vengeful. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Someone killed Batman's parents. Oh, sorry. Spoiler. I'm sorry. I never heard that before. They've kept it a secret. Spider-Man was bit by a radioactive what?

A radioactive what? I don't know. Come on, man. I just, I haven't had time to see it. So, you know, I think on one side you got, you have nerd quibbling. Firestorm, the nuclear man's dick is how big? Sure. It's supposed to be medium.

They say in the comics he has a medium dick. They say it a lot of times. It's like almost overcompensating. I mean, they say nice girth, but they don't say amazing girth. Meanwhile, across town are our medium-dicked hero. Our medium-dicked hero.

So we got those guys. We got those fellas who just want to point out the things that are different than the comic from the 80s. To compensate for something hole in their... Yeah, sure. hole in there yeah sure uh we got guy who wants to see a movie but then wants to sound smart coming out of the movie so he complains about the movie uh we'll talk about pacing or something that he doesn't know about the pacing he's on song can you believe the pacing in that thor movie what are you talking about and then you have why is everything a superhero movie? Wah, wah.

I don't know. You have that. So you have these three whites who come together on the internet to make movies unfun. The kind of the swirling triforce of ruining it for everybody. And then

but, and I, in general, I don't subscribe to this. Nope. I think you should go to a movie and have a nice time. Yep. Except when it comes to Transformers movie, because fuck that. It's like, that is where I become,

that is where I become the grumpiest, crankiest, this is wrong, I fucking hate this. It's everything that's wrong with movies. It caused me to create the hit character, Coke.Michael Bay, that is tolerated in comedy venues around L.A. So it's kind of a muse in a way. Yeah, it was a little bit. Anyway, so yeah, that is where I become a cranky internet dude is when it comes to the Transformers movies because I hated that first one so much. Well, it should be fair.

You didn't go to see it in the theater and have the whole $12 popcorn. You know, maybe that's it. Turn your brain off thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's something you really got to see in IMAX. It's like I saw this one movie about the Grand Canyon. Oh, sure. It was the same thing.

You got to see it in IMAX. Yeah, all the- Yeah, on your phone it's kind of like- Yeah. Not as grand. The acceptable canyon. I watch so many science museum movies on my phone, and none of them really seem to hold up. Yeah. You have this tiny, tinny little Morgan Freeman coming from your phone.

The Pleastocene Epoch. So, yeah. So, I think that is where I become a hooded curmudgeon, is when it comes to the... You can say Unabomber. It's fine. When I become a Un curmudgeon is when it comes to the- You can say Unabomber. It's fine. When I become a Unabomber is when it comes to the Transformers franchise. Can I say something about science museum movies? Mm-hmm.

I went to a science museum in Oakland, California with my son a couple weeks ago, and they had one of those 3D science museum movie theaters. Mm-hmm. I'm like, fucking A. I'm in. They're amazing, aren't they? Yeah. That's all I want in the world is to watch undersea creatures in 3D or whatever. And it was a space movie.

My son fucking loves space. So I'm like, great. Here's my money. You know, like, let's go do this shit. Two major issues with this movie. First of all, this movie is narrated by Patrick Stewart. Seems like a pretty good choice. It's a great choice. Number one,

it's a great choice to narrate anything. Of course, because Patrick Stewart's a gifted actor with a beautiful voice. But it's a particularly excellent choice to narrate a movie about space because, of course, Patrick Stewart is well known for his work in the Royal Shakespeare Company. Sure.

And Shakespeare's characters often gaze up at the stars and wonder when providence would lead them to the throne. You got it. Yeah. You got it. It's sort of like when the space shuttle rode on a giant truck through Los Angeles. Yes, exactly. So here's the thing. Here's the catches about this movie.

Number one, Patrick Stewart narrates it. This may be a 25-minute movie. I would say Patrick Stewart's voice appears in 180 seconds of this 25-minute movie. Oh, really? Like he basically talks over some B-roll at the beginning. So what you want – And then talks over some B-roll at the end. Usually it's like wall-to-wall.

I would think it would be – what do they have – Here's what I can't believe. There's so much other narration in the movie. Gilbert Gottfried does all the middle. It's like they made – It's like they made... Take a break, Patrick. I'll take it from here. The majestic red dwarf.

What's that? An asteroid? Looks like my wife. What? What is he talking about? Let's stop talking about Gilbert Gottfried, Ira Glass' favorite stand-up comedian. True story. And let's talk about how they hired Patrick.

Like, it's as though— What a waste of Patrick Stewart. It's as though they booked him for a voiceover session, but they only booked a 10-minute block. They couldn't get the 20-minute block with Patrick Stewart. Maybe they just couldn't. It was just his voice was so rich. They had to just take a break, like a 20-minute break in the middle. Oh, yeah.

It's like having too many bites of cheesecake. It is. It is. You need some graham cracker on that Stewart. That's what I always say. So that was issue number one with this movie. Oh, God. Do you think that the movie would have been better if Patrick Stewart would have done for the space footage what

Bob Saget did for America's Funniest Home Videos and that he would do voices for all the you know heavenly bodies and you know I'll tell you I'll act out some of these some of the astronauts definitely yeah had heavenly bodies yeah that's right that's what we're talking about

those fellas are jacked like he could have gone like you know what's me the constellation that's right. That's what we're talking about. Those fellas are jacked. Like, he could have gone, like, you know, what's me, the constellation? That's right. I'm a series of stars. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I could have seen, if you're asking would I have liked to see a few more of those astronauts, and especially the cosmonauts, take it in the jewels.

There's so many more opportunities when you don't have gravity, right? I know. 360 degree access, right? Yeah. You got it, buddy. Sure. Okay. So issue number one is-

Not enough Stewart. Top build Patrick Stewart basically introduces the movie like he was fucking Rod Serling, but not on camera. And that's it. The rest of the movie just narrated by random fucking astronauts. Not even top-tier astronauts like John Glenn

or the guy who played that David Bowie song. Right. Or any of the astronauts who died in the Challenger explosion. That would have been kind of cool though, right? Like from beyond.

If it ghosted, yeah. That would be amazing. They just assembled the narration from the interviews. I'm Sally Ride. What? How did you get her? Wait a minute. You're a school teacher, not an actress.

So that was beef number one. Beef number two. There's a lot of 3D footage of the space shuttle. And there's some fun stuff where the astronauts are goofing around together in space, you know, doing funny zero gravity shit. And it's in 3D. That is fucking amazing. Because it's like floating at you like the urine bag explodes in your face. But it's real space.

It's really in space. That's for the German release only. You get the urine bag explosion. I give that 17 stars. Does that make up for the Stuart? Well, here's the thing. It's the same situation. There is probably 90 seconds of that footage.

I mean, presumably it's something to do with 3D cameras being enormous or them only having so much room on the one memory card they were allowed to bring to space or whatever. But there's maybe two or three minutes of good quality astronauts in space in gorgeous 3D. I would say at least half, maybe two thirds of this movie, not even in 3D. Just a series of astronauts' Instagrams. Yeah. Just fucking like news footage. It's like they, here's what it's like.

Mm-hmm. It's like they made the fucking shittiest documentary about space ever. Mm-hmm. of like an elementary school direct to elementary school only DVD documentary about space. They just got whatever fucking astronaut was lying around to just walk around the whatever thing they're replacing the space shuttle and kind of gaze at it and then record some shitty voiceover. That's like three quarters of the movie. I'm starting to understand Jesse's ideal space documentary. First of all, it's an hour long.

And it's just Patrick Stewart saying, and now John Glenn's getting it in the nuts. And now he's dropped his food tray and it's swirling through the void. It's just basically America's Funniest Home Videos with a more austere narration. It's literally that. So they took that, okay? Then that guy... Oh, looks like Mr. Glenn's about to take it in his white dwarves. Who was it? Some kind of fucking nerd I was doing a Robin Williams

voice, by the way. Oh, look out. Yes. Look out, Mr. Glenn. Oh. Don't be afraid. You know who would be a great person to narrate my ideal space documentary? Is it Ray Romano? Oh, no. I was going to say- That's my Ray Romano.

I was going to say Liam Neeson doing an American accent. Oh, sure. Yeah. Your legendary, most beloved signature character. Are you prompting me to do... This is like Inside the Actor's Studio. It's like... Is Liam Neeson doing an American accent here, Jordan?

I don't know, Jesse. I'll see if I can get him for you. Hey, Liam. Are you going to do a weird American accent? I don't know. Okay. Can you do I'm on Inside the Actor's Studio? Yeah.

Yeah. Jesse Thornhouse sitting out with this. Not hosted by that guy. The bald guy. They got a Actor's Studio. Yeah. Jesse Thorne hosted it now. It's not hosted by that guy. The bald guy. They got a new bald guy. The other guy won a Peabody and took off. Another guy. This other guy with no Peabody to host it.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Hi, it's me. Liam Neeson from Brooklyn, New York. Yeah, that's right. Good old boy from Brooklyn. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Well, it looks like these Good old boy from Brooklyn. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, it looks like these spacemen are goofing around up there. I hope he doesn't take a lacrosse ball in his white dwarves. Yeah. Uh-huh. They're playing space lacrosse. Thank you. Thank you.

After which, Leeson gets a call and says, give back my dialect coach. And daughter. Also, dialect coach first. Come a daughter. Yeah, give. And daughter. Also, dialect coach first. Comma daughter. My theory of how this movie came together is the guy who made the garbage elementary school documentary was at some kind of nerd event, a Quidditch game. A TechCrunch disrupt. A Mensa orgy. Just whatever the fuck it was.

Oh, you know they've got those. Neil deGrasse Tyson's house. Is that where the Mensa orgy happens? Yeah, absolutely. And deGrasse Tyson just sits in a throne watching. Yeah. So that guy was at something and he met a different guy that had three minutes of 3D footage from space. And nowhere to put it.

Right? And nowhere, nothing to do with it. He spent like $800,000. Yeah, he's like, oh shit, 3D TVs aren't a thing. Like you can get them, but nobody, only during the Super Bowl with red and blue glasses from your Pepsi 12 pack. So then

those two guys. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Those two guys met like Patrick Stewart's chauffeur or something. It was like, all right, in between Manhattan and Queens, because he's got an appointment in Queens, he's got time to record six minutes of voiceover. We'll give you six minutes with Patrick Stewart, and the result was the fucking flaming garbage pile that I saw in that movie theater. It's my Transformers, Jordan. Wow. Except for those space fucking shots, which were mind-blowing.

Sure. That's how I feel about the Megan Fox chassis inspection shots. Oh, really? Yeah. Wouldn't that be like the one justifying, oh, you're saying that is your space thing? Yeah, yeah. That's the thing. Was that in 3D? Because that would have been. Yeah, it's, yeah.

And also everybody, Patrick Stewart. Just text flashes over her butt, put on glasses now. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Semi-celebrated. What's the other part? Yeah. Hey, Jesse. Yes, Jordan? Did you know that today's Jordan, Jesse Go is sponsored in part by Squarespace? Now, Jordan, I did know that because that's what it says in this script here. But I'm, of course, always grateful to the good people at Squarespace for supporting this wonderful program. They're a fine company.

Now, hold on. What kind of company? What do they do? Well. What is Squarespace? Squarespace. Jesse, do you know how in the olden days it was really difficult to create a website? Yeah, I had to buy a For Dummies book and get that animated gif of the construction worker with the, what's that power drill? Jackhammer?

Jackhammer, you got it. Yeah, you had to put a spinning pot leaf up there. You got it. Basically impossible to create a website in the olden days before Squarespace, but now, if you want to create a website, you just go to squarespace.com slash JJGO, and you can create your own beautiful website with easy-to-use tools and templates, and it will showcase every detail of what drives you. Really? Yeah. I'm driven by cinnamon grams. templates and it will showcase every detail of what drives you.

Really? Yeah. I'm driven by cinnamon grams. Well, you can create a website, cinemagrams.com or.biz, depending on how popular that domain name is. I would probably use cinemagrams.eu, but continue. So if you love a cinnamon gram and you want to show people gram pics, Instagrams, I like to call them. Gram news. Yeah.

Yeah, gram news, gossip. Of course, I got my gram shop. They got e-commerce at Squarespace. Absolutely. So what you do is you go to squarespace.com slash JJGo, and you get a free trial. You create that gram website, and then you're free to canoodle with other gram heads. Yeah.

So start your free trial today. Go to squarespace.com slash JJ Go. You should Squarespace. Free trial. Do it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love author. You know, Jordan, I don't know if you knew this. I was joking earlier about Mensa orgies in Neil deGrasse Tyson's house. Yeah. You know, Rob's new show actually stars two of the biggest dicks at those orgies. And you're not talking about men who are unpolite. You're talking about dudes with huge swinging hogs. Like imagine

two firestorms put together. Whoa, two mediums? It makes a large! Just as firestorm is two men combining, right? Yeah, that sounds right. Black guy and a white guy?

It's a product of trying to teach kids about... Nuclear fusion? Yeah, something. Brian, look up Firestorm. Is it a black guy and a white guy who fuse? I'm going to be honest with you, Jordan, and we'll get into Rob's program in a second, but I'm going to be honest with you. Your go-to obscure comic book character is Booster Gold.

Yes, trying, by the way, full disclosure, trying to kick that. Because he's not obscure anymore, as everyone on Twitter has informed us, a guy from a thing has agreed to write a Booster Gold movie. Yeah, I realize Booster Gold is

a crutch for me, and I am pledging to, I mean, I'd love to just eradicate it from the JJ Go! conversation because frankly I think we do it too much. I think it turns off new listeners. Listeners who would much rather hear us talk about Mr. Mitzopitalish.

For instance. They're like enough of the obscure time traveling DC heroes I want to hear about magical Superman villains. Yeah. Fifth dimension? Extra dimensional. Yeah. The fifth dimension? Extra dimensional. Yeah. Not so much magical as extra dimensional.

Well, he has magic. It's one of the things that can harm Superman. Well, when he's in our dimension, he has extra dimensional powers, which is he can do pretty much anything. It's the same Superman thing, right? It's like only when you're abroad. It's like Superman's like this student abroad when he's really cool, when he's back on his own planet. Right. He must have just sucked on Krypton if he'd gone up there right

right yeah just been a real poindexter exactly a real Sherman also when Superman studied abroad in Spain he was fucking did great

right because of so much puss because of the yellow sun and the sangria yeah that's where he gets his power from the red sangria classic one two punch

yeah I only have to nap for one hour during the day. The Spanish are like, oh, he naps so infrequently. He can make paella with his eyes. Yeah. That's amazing. I'm out of things I know about Spain. He's kicking out Jews using his...

He can work at a bank in the afternoon so he doesn't have to close it. He hates the Basques, I think. I think. Sometimes he can say the letter S. Catalonian Superman. His weaknesses are white sangria

and green krypton. So, Jordan, you're off of booster gold? Yeah, I just want to, you know, in the interest of keeping things fresh, I just kind of want to try and kick it from the JJ Go running jokes. By keeping things fresh, you mean not doing the things about our show that people like? That's the thing. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. That's our many years tradition here on Jordan Jesse.

As soon as we find something you like. Get it out of here. Stop doing it. We wish to continue to be marginally successful. I think that the – I bet you for every person who loves a – and again, talking about your fucking podcast on your podcast. Shouldn't do it. This is gay. We should be talking about Game of Thrones.

I'm sorry. We should be talking about Game of Thrones. I'm sorry I used gay pejoratively. There's a lot of things I did'm sorry I used gay pejoratively. We shouldn't be using gay pejoratively. There's a lot of things I did wrong in the past four seconds. Right. Shouldn't be talking about the podcast on the podcast. But I think for every person who delights in constant Booster Gold jokes,

I think five people roll their eyes and stop listening. Those people want to hear me talk about San Francisco Giants shortstop Jose Uribe. For instance. Yeah. Listen, Jesse, I'm not you. Yeah.

I can only pledge personally to stop making Booster Gold jokes. You have to go on your own journey. Well, if you're going to talk about Mr. Mitzopitilich instead of Booster Gold, then I'm going to talk about former Golden State Warrior sixth man Sharunas Marshallonis again instead of former San Francisco Giants shortstop

Jose Uribe this is your journey okay you live your truth mm-hmm and I'm just trying to live my best life

sure please do hashtag soul Sundays Brian did we did we figure out what Firestorm is Firestorm is a comic book that was in the bathroom

of my house mm-hmm that's throughout my childhood it was it was Firestorm is a comic book that was in the bathroom of my house. That's throughout my childhood. It was. Are you thinking of Ebony and Ivory, the song Ebony and Ivory? I think maybe in the New 52 he's a black guy and a white guy. He's actually a combination of Episcopalian and Lutheran. Oh, yeah.

It's not very strong. He wanted to teach kids that Episcopalians and Lutherans could come together. That's right. Got it. Got it, got it, got it. Hold on. I'm going to Google. Do you guys want to chat about Rob Buckass and I want to Google something about him? The Firestorm the Nuclear Man that I know about is from like 1986 and it's a comic book that my babysitter didn't want.

And then it ended up in the little box of magazines and books next to the toilet in my mom's house and was there probably into my teen years. But I don't think I read it enough to remember anything other than the cover of it. But I think it might have been Firestorm, The Nuclear Man, number one. It's pretty good. Just swipe that. Pretty good value for my mom. Yeah. My mom's probably already sold it to fund her trip

to see famous... Famous legal defense fund. It's called Stop the Fame. Jordan, come on. What are you doing? I just want to see if Firestorm was rebooted to be instead of two white guys, a black guy and a white guy

who formed together for one superhero to create a parable about racial harmony. In the nuclear age. In the nuclear age. Got it. Rob. Yes, Jesse. You cast Ken Jennings in your show, the famous Jeopardy champion and Twitter wit. And Twitter wit.

Mm-hmm. And yet, when I saw you at a Hollywood party the other day. Easy. You did not know that Justin Guarini is also a famous Twitter wit. There's only two. As far as I know, the only two unlikely funny celebrities on Twitter are Ken Jennings, repeat Jeopardy champion, and Justin Guarini, runner-up on the first season of American Idol. They're like the Highlanders of unlikely Twitter wits. Are you saying that Ken Jennings is going to try and decapitate Justin Guarini so he can be the only one? In a parking garage.

Ideally. And hold up his head by a signature curl? I have seen some Guarinis, and you're right. It's an undervalued play, as they say on Wall Street. And hold up his head by a signature curl. I have seen some Guarini's and you're right. It's an undervalued play as they say on Wall Street. Actually, I didn't know this about Guarini. Yeah. Twitter wit?

Yeah. He's a real Twitter wit. Can you guys say some funny things that he said? I don't follow Guarini on Twitter, but for a while someone I know, but I don't remember who really loved him and was chatting with him a lot and retweeting him a lot. Someone had a mashable or someone had a collection of a couple of his best- His best- Guar-isms. Yeah, guar-isms.

Guar-inos. That sounds racist. A little bit, a little bit. Or like a particle. Look at those loud guaridos over there. Archie Bunker used to. Yeah. Shooting dice in the back alley.

Yeah. So how did you decide to make a show with Ken Jennings? That was exactly what it was. I followed him. I don't know how I started following him on Twitter, but I was like, he is- You can't get enough of anything Jeopardy. Right. No, I'm not a huge Jeopardy guy, but somehow he got into my feed and into my heart.

And he's just very like- Now, is he currently in your car? He is currently on my- Where is he vis-a-vis your dreams? He's in my future. Oh. He's very funny on Twitter, and he's very, like, irreverent in a way that you wouldn't expect from him and a little bit subversive. And I just thought he was, like, a funny guy, and I used to, like, kind of riff with him a little bit.

And somehow I'm always just obsessed with, like, artificial intelligence and the whole Watson thing, which they keep kind of pushing in our faces. Like now he's doing, you know, health management and all this stuff. Like not nearly as interesting as what he did like six years. Wait, Watson is doing – Watson is just doing senior care now? He's like a – Watson is software. And like they farm him out to do all kinds of stuff where he – I don't know. We're talking about Watson, the supercomputer that plays Jeopardy. They license him, I think, to health businesses, and he does all kinds of data crunching, all this stuff.

He had to grow up and get a job. He couldn't just be a game show champion. His mom told him, you've got to... This is bullshit. I think he should be out to pasture fucking the female... Ava. He should be getting Ava from X-Men. Children and grandchildren of Electro the Westinghouse Robot.

You should be getting deep in deep blue. Yeah, you got it. Nice. You should be out to stud. Yeah. Got to get all up in them robo guts. Get deep in them. Get deep in that circuit board.

Yeah. Yum, yum. I think I just hit a tube. That's a motherboard I like to find. A rub milf, sure. A third Peabody. A mabilf. What?

Did you just get a MacArthur Genius Grant, Rob? What is going on in here? What are you, Lin-Manuel Miranda? Which San Francisco giant is that? Oh, Lin-Manuel Miranda? Which San Francisco giant is that? Oh, Lin-Manuel Miranda. I didn't hear the hyphen when you said it. Got it. I thought you were saying one word. Got it. You're thinking of Candy Maldonado. That's right.

I'm thinking of that. Yeah. I thought you were talking about some random guarino that I did. Some dirty guarino. Yeah, Lin-Manuel Miranda, it's like, if he gets a tickle in his throat, there's like thousands of people who are like, oh, fuck. Because it's like these people have been waiting. Someone's traded a kidney to like get tickets to that show. This whole cast.

But you also snagged a Weird Al for your program. Yes. That's pretty good. Weird Al is very hard to snag, although he's doing a lot of stuff now. And I've been trying to get him to do stuff for years. And he was stuck in some crazy contract with this previous record company, and he couldn't do anything. Oh, like he couldn't do non-song parodies? I think so.

Like he couldn't really. I mean, he could do like TV or something. I think he could do like testimonials and infomercials only. So we could talk about the bullet. CrossFit. Yeah, magic bullet or so we could talk about the bullet. Crossfit. Yeah. Magic bullet or the shake weight. Right.

Exactly. Um, and then he was, then he was available. And then, um, I reached, I was just trying to think like,

who's the, who's like the crazy, like loose cannon to a Ken Jennings. And I just reached out to him. I also, also through Twitter, like Twitter's this crazy, this crazy thing.

And, uh, and I said, do you want to do this? And are you free in January? And miraculously, he was. And they didn't actually do it together. Ken's in Seattle. Weird Al is here in L.A.

But I put them together through the magic of phone lines and all that kind of stuff. I have a question. Rob, Weird Al, of course, has a reputation as one of the nicest guys in show business. But Ken Jennings' reputation is he's a real fucking asshole. How'd you deal with that? Is that the game show scuttlebutt? Yeah, that's the word on the street is. Vanna White mentioned to me the other day

that Ken Jennings is a real tool. I read in the Card Shark's oral history that he, he, no, I was waiting, but. You were just waiting there thinking, no whammy, no whammy, no whammy. That's right, exactly. No, he was, he's a perfect gentleman, I have to say. He's very nice.

I think he was happy to be asked. You know, people usually ask him to do readings about his books about geography and, you know, probably life insurance commercials, I'm going to say. He's very nice. I think he was happy to be asked. People usually ask him to do readings about his books about geography and probably life insurance commercials, I'm going to guess. Perhaps he's in one of those end times doomsday preppers sheltered instructional videos.

If you're watching this now, just imagine him doing that. The shit has gone down. Right, because he's very calming. No, he was perfectly lovely and he was a good sport about it. And there's a few racy things in it, and he's a Mormon. I don't know if you are aware of this or not. Oh, interesting, yeah.

He's not like the most like Mormony of Mormons, I would say. Sure. There are Mormonier Mormons. Right, exactly. He only wears like, instead of the magic underwear, he wears like sort of a magic thong. Oh, it's a sexier magic underwear. It's suitable for the beach. Yeah magic thong. Oh, it's a sexier magic underwear. It's suitable for the beach.

Yeah. Got it. No, and so- I mean, even a Mormon needs tan buns. That's right. That's the biggest sin in Mormonism is the tan line. Yeah, right. That and Diet Coke. Yeah, don't drink a Diet Coke, and don't let those buns get too pale.

Right. No, he didn't have trouble with the racy stuff, and he was happy to do it, and he even gave me some suggestions. And I can't complain. I'm going to have to disavow your attempt to spread, to smear. I'm just trying to get a scoop here. I'm a Peabody-adjacent journalist. By adjacent, do you mean you're sitting across from Rob who has a Peabody? That's exactly what I literally mean.

Yeah. Ken Jennings takes ferrets and he fucks them in his panel van. What? Yes. Whoa. That's what I always assumed. That's the kind of scoop that's going to get you the body. Yes.

The body. That's what I call Peabody's. Is it a custom panel van or just a delivery model? He did the spray stuff himself on the outside. Oh, dope. What is it? It's a Styx video. He tried to spray stuff himself on the outside. Oh, dope. What is it? It's a Styx video. He tried to reconstruct it from memory. See, I would have guessed that it was like an

Aztec warrior at La Malinche, but you know, whatever floats his boat. Styx video is fine. That's always your go-to. The Aztec. So you got a Ken Jennings, you got a Weird Al. Yeah. Anybody else? Any other celebrity friends? Mayim Bialik. Really? TV got a Weird Al. Yeah. Anybody else? Any other celebrity friends?

Mayim Bialik. Really? TV's Blossom. Cool. How'd you get Mayim Bialik, a.k.a. TV's Blossom? You know, if I'm going to reveal all my booking secrets, you're going to have a great podcast from now on. Is it just because Conan and Big Bang Theory shoot like 100 feet apart from each other? You are a savvy gentleman, and according to the law of perimeter,

Google proxying, you're allowed to book anyone who's within the perimeter line or whatever like that. Why didn't you book John Ross Bowie? Oh, the hyphen thing again. I thought it was John Ross Bowie. Yeah, oh, sure. Just some hyphen confusion.

Well, actually, it's funny. I got Mayim Byakou, who's very busy, too, to walk a hundred yards over from her studio to mine. And in fact, we had to go shoot her again with the microphone just for a publicity picture, and I had to bring a microphone over to her studio instead. So that's a little taste of the magic there. But now you're best friends with Mayim Bialik.

That's right. That's fun. Stevie's Blossom. I mean, as long as we're talking about, you know, controversy, hot scoop. Yeah. Pl scoop. Yeah. Plural. Yeah. Hot scoops.

Sure. It's a terrible ice cream joint. Hot scoops. Hot scoops, yeah. Come on! Hot scoops, wet cones, they call it. It's a great name for a Mormon at the beach. That's what we call them.

You're talking about those buns. You're talking about those tan buns. You got Joseph Smith on one side and Brigham Young on the other. Yeah. That's what I call my buns. My bun cheeks. My golden tablets. I mean, if we're talking...

I was going to do a thing about how Maya Bialik is a famous diva, but she's probably not. She's probably lovely. She's all right. Yeah. She's all right. How blossom-like is she, you know, just in person? You mean like a 12-year-old girl? Well, like, do the two of you talk about your periods at all? Well, that's usually my opener anyway, I think.

Yeah. What to do if someone offers you drugs? Right. While I'm on my period. My dad actually- My dad actually- Depends on where you're at in your think. Yeah. What to do if someone offers you drugs? Right. While I'm on my period. My dad actually. My dad actually. Depends on where you're at in your period. Right.

Then that depends. That kind of dictates how many drugs you should take. When Blossom. If it's a heavy flow month, you're going to want to inject extra heroin. When you're mainlining Motrin and Midol. When Blossom had that very special episode about periods, I remember my dad saying to me, I was maybe 11, I'm going to say, my dad said to me, do you know what periods are? And I said, no. And he said, well, I can tell you if you want. And I remember being like,

no. I don't want to know that from you. Whatever it is, I don't want to know about it. And it's even weirder that he said, periods are a week of blowjobs. High-fived you. But for famous Amos. Oh, you know, that is so funny that I don't remember specifically a period episode of Blossom, but I remember so many special episodes. Yeah. I feel like every episode was a special episode of that. Yeah.

Like to where a goofy family sitcom would have a third act that was all just serious acting from these like broad. From Urkel. Yeah, from Urkel. Because you're right. Urkel drank too much. Yeah. And almost fell off a roof. Yeah.

I think that was the legacy. I think you had all the family in the 70s. By the 80s, that was just the third act of Family Matters twice a year. It was the remnant of the Norman Lear. It was like the vestige of that was still left over. Yeah, exactly. They were like, we got to get a message in here somehow at some point

or else we're not good Hollywood liberals. Yeah, I guess TV shows don't really special episode us anymore. We should explain to Rob, we hate Hollywood liberals. I call them libtards. Sorry, sorry. Jordan is,

if there is one thing that he always is, it is provocative. If there's one thing that he never is, it is politically correct. Exactly. I don't need those. So if you're a sergeant in the PC police, get right on out of here, buddy. Right on out of here. Corporal first class. And if you're a professional podcaster who forgot to silence his phone before this show started.

Boy, Jesse, you're worse than these social justice warriors. These SJWs. Yeah. I'll tell you what. If there's the only thing that's worse than the SJWs, Jordan, the S1Ws, the dancers of Public Enemy's Dancers, the security of the first world. They're the reason we have the female Ghostbusters. Sorry to keep bringing it back to that. Yeah, well, those proton packs are pretty small.

Yeah. I bet they're the ones who told Batman to turn on the bat signal when he never supposed to do that. Yeah, he never supposed to, Rob. I never turn on my bat signal. So Ken Jennings and Weird Al are friends in the show? Well, they're actually sort of frenemies because it's kind of a buddy comedy. They're forced to... Can I synopsize a little bit?

Please do. Is that too much on target? Rob, can I ask you to synopsize? Oh, can you? Just don't capsize because we're too far out to see. Don't rock the boat, buddy. Don't rock the boat. don't tip the boat over. The capsule description is that on the set of Jeopardy,

the military and big business people burst onto the set because it turns out Watson contains some dangerous secrets that the whole world should never find out about, and they force Ken and Watson to go on the lam. Basically, Watson has to go into Ken's backpack, and then they have a series of highly unlikely adventures that coincidentally span 10 episodes during which they uncover the underbelly

of American conspiracies and Freemasons and TED Talks and hackers and the dark web and all your favorite articles from the back of Wired magazine. Now, Rob, you've got all kinds of stars on this show, from television's Blossom to Adam Pally to Ken Jennings from Jeopardy. Right. You've named them.

David Koechner. Whoa, cool. He's great. That's a good one. Lauren Lapkus. One time, Dave Koechner, who is great, just a delight and one of the funniest guys around, was on Jordan, Jesse Go.

Not in studio, a live Jordan, Jesse Go. And was very serious the entire time. Really? I can't even hear that. I'm not just remembering that. He's a sincere man. He was so serious and sincere the entire time. Possibly he thought he was on my public radio program.

But we were in front of an audience making jokes with Dave Koechner, one of the funniest guys in the world, and one of the nicest guys, just a wonderful dude. He was dead serious the entire time. Is it possible you were having a very special episode? That is very possible. David Koechner, classic Hollywood liberal. Yeah. So he's probably trying to inject his message. Kner, classic Hollywood liberal. Yeah.

So he's probably trying to inject his message of- Kept talking about his period. Yeah. For some reason. And how Firestorm should be a black guy and a white guy, not two white guys. Here's my concern. I looked down the cast list and I keep thinking like, look, I'm not expecting to see the names that I'm looking for right at the top of the cast list. Because sure, you got Weird Al Yankovic from the movie UHF.

You've got Ken Jennings from the television show Jeopardy. But then I'm getting down in the middle and I'm thinking, where is it? I'm not seeing it at all. Then I'm down at the bottom and I'm like, I have not seen Jordan and Jesse's name on this whole call sheet. Now, I should explain that I stole a call sheet from your production. I had a call sheet. That's amazing. Exactly. What's going on? That's amazing. Exactly.

What's going on? Where's everyone's favorite podcasters? And furthermore, where's Jordan and Jesse? Oh, I should say, Rob did offer it to us through me and my management, and I turned him down. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, so this is on you? Yeah, yeah.

Creative disputes. Is there been anything else that's been offered to us your management turned down hosting the Oscars hosting the Oscars we were supposed to do it and then I said no

because I wasn't feeling it and then they got Seth MacFarlane okay either way you're going to appeal to that

youth demographic yeah so we're like okay let's get these podcast guys I thought they wanted you guys to address like the blacks in Hollywood issue

this year and then Chris Rock was like a fallback yeah oh yeah I said no again. They said, you guys are going to talk about a firestorm for three hours. And how maybe at one point he was two white guys, but I think now he's a black guy. Hollywood's so half black.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Peabody. I turned that down. Yeah. Okay. Stings.

So I really wanted a Peabody award. I don't know if you picked up on that earlier. I was sort down. Yeah. Okay. Stings. So I really wanted a Peabody Award. I don't know if you picked up on that earlier. I was sort of playing it. I was playing it cool. Rob, just so you know, especially on Jordan, I'm a really chill guy. But sometimes I do get passionate about things. I just don't let it show. Never let him see you sweat is my motto.

Well, your beard actually lifts up like Dilbert's tie. And just like Dilbert's tie, it lifts up whenever someone is contradicting the male rights movement. Oh, yeah. Dilbert guy did have a men's rights thing, didn't he? That sort of emerged over time. It was sort of like for a while it was just the cool dude and then it was like, wait, what? Yeah. Has he always been a? What did he come,

he come out against Obamacare or something like that or some big, there was some big, you guys are probably anti, I know, but. Yeah, I mean as, as, yeah,

as conservative hot talkers. Hot talk hosts. Yeah. Right. I'm a regular G. Gordon Liddy. There was some big issue where it was like,

it can't be climate change. It can't have been something like that, but it was something where you're like, really? Yeah. That guy I used to like quote. Yeah.

I bought a sadness into the- T-shirts he used to buy. Yeah. And his calendars he used to buy. I think it was, I remember something about like, not, like not paying on dates or something.

Me thinking about like, really Dilbert guy? You're a, you're, you don't want, you don't think men should pay on dates? You know what? He would say men should not have to pay.

He would say women should only have to pay. I think his feeling was he was taking a kind of a Tom Likas approach to dating in that, you know, unless you're, unless you're getting that BJ, don't spend more than $40 fellas. Kind of he had one of those attitudes.

But I could be wrong. I could be defaming Scott Adams' creative with Dilbert. Scott Adams' argument was that if you dance to the music, you got to pay the piper. Sure, exactly. You want that steak and lobster, you got to get up. So you're talking about some kind of a prenup thing almost. You have to negotiate that transaction ahead of time. And again, I am groping for this memory by the way i am both

scott adams and tom likas have only fucked prostitutes yes exactly they've only had intercourse with professional sex workers so i think his exact words were if if you pay for dinner, she's got to give you a taste of that famous Amos. You know what? I'm remembering back. I think I read this. It was a blog post. Oh, sorry. Famous Amos.

Famous Amos. It was a blog post on Scott Adams' website, right? Yeah. The creator of Dilbert. Mm-hmm. And it just said, when I masturbate, I think about the woman with the triangle hair. Yes. I think that's his boss. Really? think about the woman with the triangle hair. Yes. I think that's his boss.

Really? I think his boss has the triangle hair. What's the lady called with the curly hair? Doesn't she have triangle hair? None of them have names, right? It's called Firestorm, the nuclear cell. And he's a white guy and a black guy. Okay.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessup Talk. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, are you a fan of Star Trek The Next Generation? Well, that's weird because it's a corny show. But my friends Ben Harrison and Adam Pranica do a lovely podcast about it. It's called The Greatest Generation and it's on MaximumFun.org. I thought that this podcast was a bad idea, but I was wrong. Please listen to The Greatest Generation

on MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Runaway Brains, on Earwolf's Howl service, a premium podcasting service. Why are you making the jerk-off gesture while you say that? Oh, he's actually jerking off. Oh, you have an invisible dick. No, I've just been imagining that lady with the triangle hair.

I think that's his boss. I think you're thinking of the boss. No, I think there's the lady. You can jerk off to the boss from Dilbert. What shape is the hair of the lady from Dilbert? It is triangular. You're right. It's actually a ziggurat, I think. We get a lot of ziggurat humor on Jordan Jesse Goh lately.

Okay. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us. Brian's given me the either Brian just signed to Rockefeller Records. He's part of the Illuminati. He's given me the triangle symbol. Okay. I was right. Who's your guys' least favorite race,

the Guarinos or the Cigarots? Who do you hate more? The Hydroxes. I hate the Catalonians too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Hydrox's. I hate the Catalonians. Too much paella. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. That's what you call when you have a momentous occasion for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Somewhat backwards introduced, I that, but here we go.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Jeff. This is Isaac in Kansas. I was just calling in because I just got done a hidden bookcase door into a closet that I designed and built myself. And it's complete with the books that you pulled to open the door. And it's pretty freaking badass. So I'm just pretty proud of myself, and I thought that was a pretty momentous occasion. Bye. Yeah, fuck you, Pinterest dude.

Oh, wow. Coming in hot for secret bookcase guy. That guy thinks he's hot shit just because he built a secret bookcase. What's on the other side of his secret bookcase? A fucking closet? No. Unacceptable. What do you think should be over there?

I don't know. A sweet 3D movie of some astronauts getting in the NAR. Yeah. How about a tunnel that he's digging out of his own life?

Yeah. he could escape he called you with a sharpened spoon I'm sorry bookcase guy yeah I apologize for setting Rob Kuttner up for a remark that I can only assume has led you directly to suicidal thoughts.

That's probably the meanest thing I've ever said. It was about a guy. You held me up to it. You don't know at all who had done something pretty impressive. I can't build like an Ikea, like, you know, I can't build an Ikea rug. I can't put the rug together. I can't build an ikea rug i can't put the rug together i can't unroll it this guy built a scooby-doo a scooby-doo denouement

the lesson is never try yeah yeah i wonder what book i wonder what book you pull To get back there Probably like Here's the closet That's the title of Dr. Seuss's Here's the closet That was a That was a chapter

Of Dr. Seuss's life That's only coming out right now The secret Yeah The secret love of closets It's a book called Oh the places I've gone It's a book called

There's more than a walking In my pocket It's a book called... There's more than a walk-in in my pocket. It's a book called Secret Doors by I Am Lonely. Okay. You don't want to play Dr. Seuss gay hashtag game? No. It's totally hot. No, I don't want to.

I think it's great that Dr. Seuss was gay. Let the internet do that. Yeah. I, Jordan... The fap in the hat. Last week or the week before or some shit, we had this nice woman call in a momentous occasion that she had been hiking the Appalachian Trail. trail uh the the famous uh trail from the movie um the sad movie about uh drew barrymore uh reese witherspoon yeah wild yeah yeah there you go it's called the sad movie about reese witherspoon plays drew barrymore yeah in a uh in an effort to escape her life of addiction

yeah there's that uh there's that one part where you think she's going to be sexually assaulted, but she isn't. Mm-hmm. And then there's a bunch of other fucked up parts. Anyway, it was a good movie. Mm-hmm. What was I talking about? And that's what happened to this caller?

We have a caller who is doing the hike from the film. Right. And then she went the wrong way. Yes. How do you go the wrong way on the Appalachian Trail is my question. One is north and one is south, I think. But what do you mean? Can't you just hike?

Maybe some kids, maybe some punk kids spun around the arrow that she was supposed to be following. If I know anything from this Drew Barrymore movie that I saw. You go from town to town and you mail yourself like a book and some food and stuff. So if you go the wrong way too far, you don't catch up to your food. Yeah. That's, look,

I was a big fan of this movie that I can't remember the name of. And then there's no way to obtain food or lodging or shelter otherwise. No, this is the eastern seaboard of the United States. Where are you going to get food and lodging? I know, except through the U.S. mail. It was a very good movie.

Sometimes you'll find it just in the brush, a lobster roll. You know, Nick Hornby wrote that movie. I do, yes. The King of Books. Yes. The King of Books on Jordan Jesse Goe. Nick Hornby. So anyway, this woman called back in.

Hi, this Hornby. So anyway, this woman called back in. Hi, this is Megan. I am calling from Appalachian Trail. I'm the one who walked the wrong way for the first couple miles. Anyway, just an update that last night a bear ate all my food. So, yeah, it was up in a tree about 25 feet up, and she climbed up and tore the bags open, and it was a mama bear and two cubs. It all miffed last night.

Anyway, good thing the town is a few miles away, and I will resupply there. All right. Bye, guys. She just needs somebody to talk to. Sounds like a real Appalachian fail. Oh, man. Ah, I fell asleep. You thought about that this morning in bed, and this has been like a countdown.

Yeah, yeah. Finally, I can come. I said that joking. Now I can have a sweet release. Yeah. The weird thing is I thought the bear had just waited at the mailbox for the... The bear's wearing this... He signed for her Amazon Prime delivery.

That's right. He's got one of those little electronic pads. Yeah. Oh, I'll sign for that. Mother and the Cubs. So I need your password to watch Transparent. I mean, on the... It's me, a bear.

She's having a hard time. Yeah, I'm a bear. Trans... Trans... Brooklyn Bear. Trans hard time. Yeah, I'm a bear. A Brooklyn bear. Transbarant. I've heard good things about the man in the high castle. Yeah.

I can't get through it, though. And, Bosh, what is that? I like it. I like it. I don't love it. Yeah. Uh-huh. He's the bear on demand snob. Here's what I know. You you know there's some good stuff on showtime yeah uh-huh i don't like the new hulu paywall

streaming snob bear who is really irish but is playing american this is your new coked up michael bay i think yeah i mean michael bay i mean I would hate to rob LA comedy stages of a character that they, you know, they tolerate six times a year. I pay for Hulu but only for the Criterion Collection. Yeah. Yeah, uh-huh. They're real small. And new episodes of Mindy, uh-huh. Yeah.

Doesn't that star Adam Pally, which is in Rob Cutner's Runaway Brains? You've found a way to sneak a plug into a bit. It's amazing. So the bad news for this woman is that she has walked the wrong way and all her food got eaten by a bear.

But according to this Drew Barrymore, the good news is she's not addicted to heroin and fucking strangers in an alley so how do you know she would have called in oh yeah sure that's a momentous occasion yeah I'm strung out on a horse and I don't even know who's

it is it's medium it could be Firestorm the nuclear band who is now a black guy and a white guy I think Yeah. It's medium. It's medium. It could be Firestorm. The nuclear man, who is now a black guy and a white guy, I think. I thought I heard a strange dick in her mouth on the call, but I'm not. So wait, so if she had gone the right way, if she'd gone the wrong way, the food would never have arrived and it couldn't have been stolen. See what I'm saying?

Oh. Wow. Thanks a lot, Dr. Peabody. 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number if you've got a momentous occasion. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, My standards are low. Much like Jordan on a Hawaii enforced work stoppage. Callback. That's great.

I'm at a low point. I would have taken any movie. Can I say something? That whole alibi about why you saw the Transformers movie? So fishy. The whole thing is so... None of it adds up. Okay, what is suspect? You just work so hard to create the conditions.

First of all, raining in Hawaii. Come on. Come on. Right. How can it ever rain in Hawaii that hard? You're stuck in a house with dudes. Yep. I don't know.

There's so many details that it's like- The pieces don't add up. Well, it's just like- Yeah, yeah, yeah. The police bring in perps with less elaborate stories of where they were, I think, than- You kept adding filigree to the whole tale too so what are you suggesting then uh i'm suggesting that uh i was shia labeouf's date to the premiere you were i was you were waiting in line you were the one guy waiting in line for six months for it to open outside oh i was yeah i was camped out in my bumblebee

costume you were dressed as ius Prime. Different choices. That's cool. Yeah, different choices. That's fine. Oh, yeah. You know what a Transformer I had? Mm-hmm. I had the Decepticon Ghetto Blaster.

Oh, cool. The only Transformers I had came from this used toy store in Oakland. I love that. Why is it a Ghetto? Like, the gun, okay, I get that. Or the truck. Yeah. But, like, it like the gun? Okay, I get that. Or the truck? Yeah.

But like why that? It's like I'm going to lay down. Because the blasters are dope. That's why I wanted that one. No, no, no. That makes sense. I'm saying as a- I wanted the Autobot, the good guy one, but when you're at a used toy store, you got to take it.

No, I mean as a fighting force. Yeah. All right. We got to have a gun. We got to have some vehicles on the ground. Tanks and trucks. We're going to need some tunes. There's also one that was a tampon dispenser.

I don't know. What are they? The Lady Transformers. That's right. Lady Transformers. Yeah. It's a Title IX issue. And a couple of dinosaurs.

Yeah. Throw a couple of dinos in there. There's one that was a glue stick. It's like, why? Wait, can we at least get a hot glue gun? That's right. Better for crafting. That's right.

Rob Kuttner, your show is called Runaway Brains. It's on the Howl premium podcasting service. Now, let's say I will pay my $4 a month or whatever the fuck it costs to join Howl. Let's just say I did that. All I'd get is your show is that correct that's it and not even that it's a trick there is no show scott adams uh worked out the figures on that it's just like a you're running it's uh no i think it's okay they tell us it's the netflix of podcasts so it has like a bunch of so it doesn't have news radio anymore

that's the one thing they... But I love the season of Orange is the New Black. Time to get salmon, uh-huh. They're like the Earwolf. They have all the archives of the Earwolf stuff. So they have the WTF and they have all the... So let's just say somebody wanted to hear Jesse Thorne's beloved character,

Jesse Thorne, fantasy sports analyst from Sklarbro country. Yes. They could probably get that. That would be the ideal place to hear it because that's one of their big titles. Got it. And then they're doing new stuff, which is why I got in business with them too. Like Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords is doing this. I haven't heard of it.

It's this very interesting sounding like 18th century explorers kind of spoof with a lot of sound effects and stuff like that. So they're trying to do original stuff, and so that's why I thought they were kind of a cool place to... I'm waiting for them to get Saget, because I feel like the stuff he does in audio is just spectacular. Oh, no!

Yeah. What does he... Oh, don't hit me in the nuts! Oh, I see, I see. This slip and slide looks safe. Yeah. It's probably safe. He paints a tone poem.

Yeah, right. That you hear it in your nuts. He's like David Byrne. Yeah. I feel like at the end of every episode of America's Funniest Home Videos, just the whole audience would stand and snap. Beautiful. It's just word jazz. Like beatniks.

Right. They had bongos under every seat. You've seen the show? Yeah. You know what? I think you might be thinking of America's funniest people. Yeah.

That's Dave Coulier. Or Dave Coulier. I always get those guys mixed up. Yeah. Similar men. Rob Kuttner, it's been a joy.

It's been a delight. And we thank you. I thank me. And to a lesser extent you and famous Amos in Firestorm. Thanks.

How about this? Thank you for being the only person whose face I recognize at that party that the mayor was at. Oh, cool. Right. A mayor party. It wasn't billed as a mayor party. Yeah. When we say that, it was a book party.

Yeah. A friend of Max Fund, Faith Saley, a very funny woman, probably these days probably best known for her work on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. But she used to host – when I started at Public Radio International, she hosted a very funny show called Fair Game. Her friend Dave Hill was a frequent contributor. And Faith, a super nice lady, has a book out. And we went to a book party at this incredible gay mansion Yeah. Hosted by this man.

I don't understand who he is to this day but he was spectacular. He was lovely. This guy was amazing. Yeah. And had an amazing

fucking mansion and the mayor was there. They just sort of announced that like a third of the way in. Yeah. You just thought it was this kind of party

you don't know anyone. Oh, and by the way I'd'd like to also welcome this beautiful family which is the Mayerin company. So I immediately start looking around for Batman. Bruce Wayne has got to be here or something. Well, yeah. Well, yeah. Actually, it seems like those kinds of parties that are the ones that the

Riddler and the Penguin and his thugs would invade. I was certainly clutching my pearls. Sure. If you know what I mean. Sure. I mean, describing my nuts. Yeah. Like my nutsack.

Oh, yeah. My balls and my nutsack. Your pearls. The family pearls. That's what they call them. Pearls before swine. That's what they call them in Catalonia. There's that.

At Jordan underscore Morris. That's the one. At Jesse Thorne, our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, beloved across the world for making noise outside the booth so loud, so uncontrollably that it's literally audible inside this, to be frank, not really soundproof booth. More like sound deadening booth. I think on HGTV they would call this bringing the outside in. Mm. You got it.

Mm-hmm. You got it. Mm-hmm. Mm. Yeah. We actually bought this whole booth out of Dwell Magazine. Oh. This is actually a tiny house.

Yeah. The bookcase guy actually opened the- Yeah. Yeah. This is what's in the closet. Man, bookcase guy, call me, because I got to figure out how to get some HVAC into this thing. It's real toasty in here.

Can I just say tiny house hunters? I just wish it was about little house hunters who are just really small. Yeah. Guys who are 5'1", 5'2". Like Alan Cumming. Yeah, it's just so brave. Yeah. Danny DeVito and Dustin Hoffman shop for a house.

Max FunCon East tickets on sale right now at MaxFunCon.com and we're on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com we're on Facebook just like Jordan Jesse Go and join the Maximum Fun group there on Facebook that's a ton of fun Rob Kuttner of course writes for the television program Conan which is one of my favorite shows to watch just a so consistently funny and delightful program it's really nice that there remains a one late night comedy television program that uh above all else is trying to be funny and

that's char Rose. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. He drinks and drinks, but he doesn't get any funnier. Okay. That's it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan,

Jesse go. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.