Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 431: Spaghetti In My Hands with Hampton Yount

Episode Date: June 6, 2016

Comedian Hampton Yount joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of what the word “choad” means, Jordan’s trip to the mob museum, and Jesse’s experience at the circus.    

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm the host, Jordan, Jesse. No, wait, what's my name? I think you're Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. How many times have I said that now, Jordan? Several hundred. Yeah, I mean, we've done 250 or 300 episodes. We've been doing this show for 10 years. I say that at the beginning of every dang show.

I'm also allowed to swear on this show. Did you know that? I mean, no, I didn't. I thought every time I had done it up till now had been beeped. Or you had received a hearty FCC fine. We're putting this on the radio? Yeah. God, we are learning.

I mean, I thought so. I mean, I guess I had some misconceptions about this show. I've been, see, I have a long game in mind. You have a long game? And that's to bankrupt you. Really? So my assumption was that every time I had sweared on this show, you were having to pay some sort of nip-slip level fine. Were you hired by my enemies, or is this a personal vendetta?

Oh, yeah. Did you know that I'm into random chaos? Oh, no, I did not know that. Yeah. Like the Joker or, you know. So should I be focusing on getting you back into Arkham Asylum? Yeah, I mean, if you can wrangle me. Yeah. Asylum? Yeah, I mean, if you can wrangle me. But apparently I've done nothing Arkham level because apparently this has not been working.

My vendetta to financially destroy you hasn't even done a single fucking thing. Because apparently this isn't on the radio. The nine years we've been doing this show, Jordan, you didn't realize it. Did you ever hear it on the radio i mean i don't much like uh i mean i only listen to jazz fusion so i don't know why i would turn the dial away from k j fuge kj fuz i've got news for you jordan that really gives the light of this whole scenario you're spinning because while we have not been on the radio, we have comprised the entirety of the last three Manhattan Transfer albums. I don't listen to the new shit.

It's like listening to a new Misfits album. Why would you even do that? It's going to suck. Our guest on this week's Jordan Jesse go is a beloved stand-up comedian uh he's uh just enjoying the riffs he's just sitting back and watching he's gonna be a performer on the new mystery science theater 3000 program as well as a writer on that program uh you might have seen ronald that work camp have seen one. Fulcrum. That program. The Fulcrum.

That work camp. It's actually pronounced Fulcrum. That Fulcrum. I think it's Filtrum. Isn't it Filtrum? Well, let's call the whole thing off. So, let's see. You might have seen him on the Conan O'Brien program.

Yeah, I've done. I'm around. You know, you see him. You don't have to go out of your way. This is a man you've seen. Yeah. No, no've done around. You know, you see him. You don't have to go out of your way. This is a man you've seen. Yeah. No, no. Definitely not.

But you can totally find him. Hampton Yount is the man's name. Hampton Yount, welcome to whatever the fuck show we're hosting right now. It's a show. Why am I such a mess today, Jordan? Thank you so much for having me. I am well rested. I said to myself- I didn't agree to this.

Hampton Yow is coming in. Hampton Yum. I'm going to be ready. I'm going to have all the barrels in the chamber. This has got you journalism. Yeah. You got me. I don't know what to do.

Now we're going to talk about your mistresses. You booked me. Hampton, it's great to have you on the show. Thanks for having me. I apologize for the last five or six years as you've risen to prominence in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy scene that I have consistently had to go back into my head to figure out whether your name was Hampton Yount or Howard Yount, the boutique menswear line. So I apologize for that, Hampton Yount.

Sorry. But welcome to our program. Both of greatest to you. No, that's my apology to you. That's my apology to you. And we apologize to him. It is. It's a lovely boutique menswear line.

I mean, really, isn't he the Hampton of comedy? He's the Howard Yount of comedy. Yeah, there you go. I would say he is handsome. Look at this. This guy's too good looking to be a comedian. Hampton. Howard.

Howard. I'm Howard. Fulcrum. Hampton couldn't make it. Fulcrum Yount. Filtrum. Filtrum. It's a very prestigious name.

Yeah. I'm just surprised that you even would be thinking of me. Where you're like, who is that? Well, what else am I going to think about while I'm masturbating? A ticket. Hot up-and-coming comedians. There aren't any other comedians as good-looking.

Sure. Up-and-coming spelled in jizz font. Drippy jizz font. The least accessible of the fonts. Well, Hampton, it's been a joy

to have you on the show. Thanks. Bye, guys. How are you, Hampton? You know? Doing okay. It's been a joy to have you on the show. Thanks. Bye, guys. How are you, Hampton? You doing okay? It's been a nice couple days. What are we talking about? What are we talking about the last couple days?

We're coming off of a holiday weekend. Holiday weekend. Some family in town and just writing. Oh, really? Where'd you go? Museum? Beach? No, we just kind of chill out and play music on the radio or just talk, drink. So you listen to music? Just chill out for a while. play, you know, music on the radio or like just talk, drink.

So you listen. Just chill out for a while. So you're just playing music on the radio. What kind of music are we talking about? Definitely top 40. Say jazz. Jazz. My family has been fused together to form one jazz band.

Got it. We should explain. Hampton Yacht's father is Chip Correa. We're a Christian rock band. Listen, the music comes out. Just need one instrument and we eviscerate it together. We all jump on it. I don't know if you were just goofing or not, but when you have – are you one of those?

I was goofing. Oh, okay. Almost assuredly. But you did – okay, let me unpack what was a goof and what was not. Did you have family in town? Yeah. And do you, like, have drinks with your family while you're – Sure. Okay, let me unpack what was a goof and what was not. Did you have family in town? Yeah. And do you have drinks with your family?

Sure. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I mean, we're all adults. Sure. And I guess there are children present. So it's kind of fun also to just play with the kids, just have a home life. I have no wife or kids of my own, so it's kind of a sweet thing. Yeah, you're still spreading your seed.

Ah, God. Comedy clubs across America. Sowing those oats. So how many family members did we have in town, Hampton? Oh, well, some of my family already lives out here. And then they just live in, like, Anaheim and, like, Pasadena. Who are we talking about? Steven Spielberg?

Steven Spielberg is my close father. John Rose Parade. The Pasadena Rose Parade. Got it. Yeah. The Black Dahlia. A lot of people are attached to the- She's great.

She's great in everything. Her work is amazing. I especially like how she was murdered in cold blood. I literally, all my family lives on the East Coast in San Francisco except for my uncle Northrop Grumman. Oh, wow. Northrop Grumman. I didn't know you had an uncle Northrop Grumman. Yeah, I did.

He manufactures jet engines. Oh. Is that true? You could have said almost any job with that kind of name. None of that is true. Well, Northrop Grumman does manufacture jet engines. Oh. I believe they are based here in Los Angeles.

Northrop Grumman. My mom's dad, who I never met, died before I was born. My mom's dad, his name was literally Pinual Gatewood. Pinual. Pinual Gatewood, yeah. Oh, wow. Bless his soul. I don't feel so bad about my name.

Yeah, I think a lot. I think I come from a tradition of weird Southern names. Wow. Yeah, and I have a, you know, Jordan's a little bit off center. I think now you'll see. Jordan was popular when I was growing up, like, also in the South. It was like, Jordan was just like a strong boy's name at the time. Yeah. You were living in an Ashley and Jordan world jordan world yeah it was ashley and now it's a it's a nice 12 year old girl's name great name to be a backup singer for elvis presley sure uh did you grow up

in the south i didn't know that about you virginia okay so you know kind of the what part of Virginia? Northern Virginia or Southern Virginia? Totally in the middle. Nova, Northern Virginia was starting. We're in Warrington near Manassas. So it's just a lot of farms. And we're definitely not hit by the metro line, which is the big thing. If you're connected by the metro, you're basically almost in D.C. because D.C. is this great commuter city. But no, I mean, it's like I would drive into the city a lot, but like it was far. My mom is from D.C. and my mom's two sisters live in Northern Virginia. One of them lives near the Falls Church Metro line and she could just go into D.C. whenever she wants.

Who doesn't? I want to be clear. No, they're all assholes there, apparently. Yeah, what is the view of D.C. from the communities that are just outside of D.C.? They're like, it's too much fucking hassle. It's just like traffic. If you have any reason to not go, it's like it's got like a wonderful nightlife that like no one ever experiences because they won't drive in yeah i felt like that growing up in orange county which is just outside of la that like i really feel bad like

once i you know got a driver's license and could kind of poke around up here i'm like oh what a moron i was for not for like thinking like for just being too afraid to parallel park. Yeah, totally. No, I knew people who were just like, I don't want to get on like 66. I don't want to get on the highway. Like it's too big. It's too fast.

Like you're crazy. Let's stay here and sit at this Chili's all night. Dude. Yeah. Anyway. A lot of food. So yeah, what does, what were we talking? So one aunt lives by.

Oh, right. One aunt lives by Falls Church Metro and then another ant lives maybe an hour south of there, hour and a quarter south of there. Still counts as Northern Virginia. She's a firefighter and a paramedic.

Still was a first responder at the Pentagon. Stuff like that. But like fully 100% lives on a farm. Yeah. Like has goats. Yeah. Far away.

It's like you feel like it's two planets. Yeah. And like down a long dirt road. Like a mile down a dirt road. Yeah. That's like so many of my friends growing up where it's like you'd have to do some sort of weird arrangement where it's like you have to leave them at the top of the driveway because like your car couldn't go down. Like you just people live down like crazy like farming roads. Yeah.

Like it's a difference between like your main activity is like going to the NHL hockey game or something. And then my other – like top activity, frog catching. Yeah. Drinking Mountain Dew Code Red, playing Halo. Like, getting yelled at by your mom in your shitty basement. Like, those kids are, like, on a different planet. And I think that is the weird, like, cultural identity problem of Virginia. It's like we don't feel that strongly one way or the other because it's like they're just pulled.

Virginia, whatever, dude. Yeah, it's like we're here. We're part of the stuff. Yeah. Virginia, Tim Kaine, I guess. Yeah. I can see that. It's crazy.

And then I went to my cousin's wedding in Richmond. And Richmond is basically a city, is a beautiful city, full of kind people. I want to kiss all of them on the top of the head several richmond slams but but you're all gutter people well it's an it's an entire city that essentially functions as a tribute to the confederacy yeah you're just like good amount of that every corner every single corner there's a something about the confederacy which i understand it's an important part of the obviously sure the capital of the confederacy it's important we do need to question but like i love how there's this is why there's like the washington redskins like as a team where it's like uh guys come on it's like

really too far now hey Hey, don't. We can all talk to each other. There's the internet now. Sure. You have to like use that. The information has been disseminated. Not to tell you, man, you can't really get away with this. Like we hear you.

It is getting harder to be a secret monster these days. Yeah. And that's probably a good thing. Yeah. It's culturally the best thing that's, like, happening. It's like, you know. I love how there's that mixed company wind up when you're about to, like, slam a place. Totally.

There's that, like, oh, I mean, I've spent a lot of time in Tampa. Great weather. Amazing airport. I found a parking lot. There's still time on the meter. But everyone stabbing each other all the time. With hypo needles.

Right. That is where the apocalypse will come from. From Tampa. Richmond is amazing. I was like, man, I could get into this. Walking around Richmond. Sort of the way you feel when you're walking around Seattle. You're just like, oh, fuck it. I'm just going to pack it up and move to Seattle.

This is nice. I feel that when I'm, like, in Atlanta. It's, like, beautiful, but it's, like, same thing of, like, weird kind of heritage, like, going on there. But you're, like, beautiful. Just it's overgrown with green. So it's, like, I don't know. Verdant. Verdant.

Verdant. Verdant. Verdant area, Jordan. It's actually pronounced philtrum. Philt Jordan. It's actually pronounced philtrum. Philtrum. It's a real philtrum of an area. Where's the verdant on the male body? You know, oh, okay.

Speaking of where is something on the male body. Thank God. Thank God you finally read that sentence off the note card we surreptitiously handed you before we started recording. I've got a chunk. Oh, and then ask me about online dating because I have a little bit of a, isn't it weird how? It is weird. Hampton, just so you know, we run this whole show comics unleashed style. I got unleashed as a comic.

Oh, you did? I got unleashed. They can't take it back. They can never unleash me back. So, when I say okay, so we all know what the taint is. Yeah, we all got the

pamphlet. It taint your butthole. Taint your scrotum. Yeah. But what is it? what do you guys consider, and don't correct the other one when he starts to speak, what do you consider to be a chode?

Jesse, we'll go first with you. When I say chode. Now, I've understood, I understand that there's disagreement. I've heard that there's disagreement. I will say definitely when it was first presented as a vocabulary word to me in high school, I was doing some SAT prep.

Chode as is to Tate. Chode as to Fulcrum. As Fulcrum is to... As Disneyland is to Magic Mountain. How fast is your Tate going? Definitely, I don't know if I couldn't say how hyper-specific this definition is, but definitely School of the Arts, San Francisco, 1997. The definition of chode was a penis wider than it is long.

That's it. You also think that? I heard that too. I mean, that's it. I always just thought it. I heard that from a girl, so I'm going to go. That's the thing. That's what it is. Yeah, girls usually know about that shit a girl, so I'm going to go, that's the thing. That's what it is.

Yeah, girls usually know about that shit. Yeah, because you better believe they're talking about chugs. I... Those ladies... I mean, we've only scratched the tip of the iceberg of what we know women talk about chugs. That's like 90% of conversations. You know, I just misheard that. I always just ask women when I have a question about chugs.

It looked like a piano fell on his dick and made it squash like accordion cartoon style. Did you just get that idea from that one episode of Sex and the City when they were talking about chuds? Chuds, yeah. Miranda's dating a chud. Chud is a great word. Chud is so good. What? You're dating a cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller? Yeah.

Appletini? Amazing. I will admit, he doesn't dwell underground as much as I'd like. If you know what I mean. I'm just making faces. I imagine that song stings everything in Sex and the City. That's how they do it. They sting Sex and the City.

Yeah. Every time Miranda makes a saucy joke, I have never seen this program. I've seen it. It's fine. I have gone my whole life thinking that chode was a synonym for taint. Really? And. Now, we actually have a real live teen outside the studio.

He's 22 years old. Sure. Christian Duenas is on the board this week. Christian's from here in Los Angeles, born and raised. Christian, if I told you what a chode was, if I asked you what a chode was, what would you tell me? Christian says when a dick is wider than it is long. Where did I get that?

I think you're just trying to seem cool and blend in and you were like, yeah, chodes. Totally. But you never ask the deeper question, what are chodes? You know what I thought chodes were? It was a folly of youth. Until someone explained it for me.

I thought they were those round cardboard discs that you play the game with. You throw them down on top and you see if you can flip them over. It's pogs. Yeah, pogs. Yeah, chode is a synonym for slammer. Oh, yeah. Pineapple orange gus. Yeah. Choad is a synonym for slammer. Oh, yeah. Pineapple orange guava. Yeah.

Boy, yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm just, I'm living in a whole new world. My eyes have just been opened. The oldest living boy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I feel like I can start my journey into manhood now. Now that I know what to call my dick.

Yes, now that I know that there's a colloquialism for the kind of dick I have. But I do, but chode does seem like a good word for taint, though, doesn't it? Doesn't it fit in just like an aesthetic way? Well, I think grundle is the best.

Grundle's nice. Grundle is because, especially for men because they're so much more horrendous and horrible. And a grundle just sounds like the thing Beowulf killed or, you know like

it's it's horrible but then i think uh taint is like it's kind of more anatomical i think just look at a quick i think you've really hit on a rich vein here thank you i which is you find and non-chodes. Which is that I think that all parts that are unspeakable in what we'll loosely call mixed company, obviously. Black and white. No, I'm talking about in polite company, let's say.

In polite company. Should be named after characters from Beowulf. Angelina Jolie. Let's start at the top. CGI. Wait a minute. Gerard Butler. Wait, no, not actors from the recent Hollywood.

All right, all right. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. All sponsored by Grazex, the latest grass replacement palette from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Find us at MaximumFun.org or on iTunes, or wherever you get your podcasts from.

And if it's not clear, this is a comedy podcast. Beef out. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Hampton. Hampton Yunt. You can have a nickname. I didn't realize I had to introduce myself again. Yeah.

I will say that. I think I introduced myself the first time. I will say that it happens on this program. Just a little peek behind the curtain. Sometimes we'll be going around saying names and our guests will not realize that they have to speak up. Usually I make a point of pointing, and in the latest of my long string of monstrous blunders, I was just sort of staring into space. Usually it's because someone is doing a little phone check. Yeah.

Hampton, straight space out. Yeah. It was a cool space out, dude. I was just kind of watching the Riff build. Yeah. I was enjoying watching the theater. It's a living thing. A lot like dance.

I call it the theater of the mind. You call it? Mm-hmm. Wow. That's amazing. Look it up on Urban Dictionary. You'll find it there. We should mention, before the flood of corrections comes in, Christian did look up, what were

we talking about? Chode. Chode on Urban Dictionary. One of Urban Dictionary's acceptable definitions is synonym for taint although to be fair one of urban dictionaries definitions for pootie tang is a lady's vagina which is not a actual definition of pootie tang but it led to npr saying that we couldn't say pootie tang on bullseye oh because of they oh so npr is sourcing Urban Dictionary. Yeah.

Wow. Urban Dictionary does get it wrong because it really is just whatever you grew up hearing. You are totally valid to put up there. Yeah. But I want to know. I've also said Gooch for Tang too. Gooch. Yeah.

That's kind of nice. Gooch is nice. I've been thinking about, Colin, we just hired a guy named Dan Gallucci to be the producer of Bullseye. But at the same time we hired him, our last hire was a guy named Dan who runs the Put This On shop. And then previously

we hired Teresa's sister, Dan, to do some freelance Put This On work. At the same time we hired Dan Gallucci we hired a new office administration whose name is office administrator whose name is Dan so we're going to need an alternate

name for this Dan I mean fat Dan fatter Dan fattest Dan Dan's so fat lame Dan stinky Dan pointless Dan stinky Dan the racist I Dan. Stinky Dan. Weak, pointless Dan. Stinky Dan the racist.

I hate Dan. I hate Dan. Dan Gallucci, who's an incredibly dignified man. Sure. You're thinking the Gallooch. Well, I was going to go with the Gooch. Oh. Or just Gooch.

Gooch could be good, especially if you were a tough guy. Yeah. I could even imagine, oh, that's Gooch. Hey, there's Gooch. He's definitely- Oh, dude, don't mess with gooch like guys named goose you either have to be fucking intimidating he definitely has a shit ton of tattoos okay yeah i'm already scared um just by hearing that he has tattoos yeah that's a lot of pain he was in a band called the murder city devils that's uh i think i've heard them no they're a real band yeah okay he

was in another band called Modest Mouse I'm burying the lead holy crap I'm gonna go see them but Murder City Devils is the one that

most fits with being a tough guy now called Gooch right well now that you've told me he's in Modest Mouse how do you

how does he have you run this by him how does he feel about Gooch or the Galooch it was right it was right when we hired him uh and so i didn't don't i knew and i'm his boss you know so i don't think he wanted to tell me that i couldn't call him that sure uh but i said hey has anybody ever called you the gooch and uh he said yeah that's a name that's followed me in my life to some extent.

And I said, well, is that something it would be okay if I called you that? Because we've got a lot of Dans. And he goes, well, we don't choose our nicknames. Oh, wow. That's so true. You know, it's like that's so on point where it's like, yeah, I could take it if it's friendly. But if you're going to be mean, I will never live this down. It's like guys when you run into a guy named Jude. Your instinct is to fucking blow his mind by saying, hey, Jude.

And I think that is the last thing those guys want. If you're meeting them for the first time, maybe you don't know a lot of Judes. Not a lot of Judes in your circle. And I think that is the last thing those guys want. Yeah. If you're meeting them for the first time, maybe you don't know a lot of Judes. Not a lot of Judes in your circle. You're like, oh, someone named Jude. Hey, Jude. Wait up. There's a song with a butt, this guy. I think I'd be trying all the time not to do it, and then it would happen.

You'd go, hey, Jude. And then you'd go, that, that. I meant, hello, sir. I meant, hello, Judith. I hope you don't. I'm calling you Judith now. Judith. Hello, sir. I meant hello, Judith. I hope you don't. I'm calling you Judith now. Judith. Hello, Judy.

Then my mom answers the phone. Greetings. Hello, Judith Thorn's house. Hello, Judy. Jesse's mom. Hey, Judy. Jordan, can I ask you a question? Yes.

Is there anything like that that follows you around? Like, do people call you Jordan Almonds? Yeah. You know, there were like, there were, I remember some teasers in elementary school. You got teased in elementary school? I got teased a little bit in elementary school. I would have figured you'd have been a bully.

A chode like that? Hard to imagine. Yeah, I know. They could see the outline of my chode in my little shorties. Is he smuggling a Frisbee? Has he stolen some cat food? A can of cat food?

Nice. You had nicknames? I'm trying to remember. I think I had like just teasing, like not really sweet nicknames. No one had fun with it. Yeah. I hate Hampton. People would maliciously call me Michael Jordan.

Oh. And I think – How dark of them. Yeah. How cool. Pro star. And I think it really upset me because, you know, I was a little chubbikins. Was it because you had lost the slam dunk competition to Michael Jordan?

And then there was that meme of me crying. Was your father killed for your gambling? Yeah, my father was killed for my gambling. They were like, Michael Jordan. That's the best way they make fun of you. Yeah. In a few years, you'll make Space Jam, and it won't hold up, despite what some people say.

Like, what are you talking about, bullies? But I remember being really upset by being constantly called Michael Jordan. But they would say it in like a mean way. Like, hey, Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan. Yeah. Do you think they were referring to Michael B. Jordan?

The phenomenal actor? The actor who was probably four or five? The guy who I once saw walking around in Austin during South by Southwest. And I thought, Jesus Christ, that's the most handsome person I've ever seen in my life. And then I was like, five minutes later, I was like, oh shit, that's that dude from The Wire. Yeah, they're like, hey, Michael B. Jordan, you'll be in a bad Fantastic Four movie,

but it's probably not your fault. It was probably good casting, but there were script problems. This is a very insightful article. You know, if you really look at the original drafts, they weren't doing these cuts to the negative zone like that. It was more of a developed hellscape and not like a fog. There you go. There were larger total issues. I have not seen the Fantastic Four movie.

I was just talking with my friend about it yesterday. We were just like talking about this. Yeah, that is one of those things that is sitting there on HBO Go right now. and I'm like, hmm, do I watch that universally panned Fantastic Four movie? Aren't there two universally panned Fantastic Four movies? Yeah, they had a sequel to the first go around with Chris Evans. That was where they tried to do it as like sanitary and just like let's everybody enjoy this. It's a family flick. And then they were like let's go dark because that didn't work.

But the problem with the Fantastic Four is they're a family and there's really no reason for them to do any other thing other than they'll be like, science. Like we discovered things and now we got to cure ourselves. Like it's very selfish.

No reason to brood. Yeah. There's no reason to like, we're going to peacekeep the world. Yeah. We're going to like fight crime. It's like, no, you're not. Anyway. I world. Yeah. We're going to like fight crime. It's like, no, you're not. Anyway.

I agree. Sorry. Sometimes Green Lantern's a black guy. It's true. You know what? These days, sometimes everybody's a black guy. Yeah. That's the magic of politics.

Identity politics. I know, right? Black E.T. Can't wait. Black E.T. Can't wait. Black E.T. They're going to make Black Schindler's List. Give enough time. Fried green tomatoes, parentheses, black version.

Black version. Speaking of keeping the peace and law enforcement, Um, uh, speaking of keeping the peace and law enforcement, uh, I wanted to get into a thing that I think has been a weirdly recurring topic on this show, which is things to do in Vegas that aren't gambling or drinking. And, uh, we've already covered eating at Lotus of Siam, haven't we? I don't know. It's like a famous Thai restaurant. It's totally amazing.

I ate there. It was really great. What is that? It's like a famous Thai restaurant. It's totally amazing. I ate there. It was really great. What is that? It's a famous Thai restaurant in Las Vegas. But like, oh, what you were describing wasn't like a dish? No, Lotus of Siam is the name of the restaurant. It sounds. The dish is a variety of things that make your insides hurt.

Deliciously. Yeah, but they're really good. It's just a handful of noodles that is placed right directly into the mouth from the way. They foie gras it into your intestines. Yeah, they ram it down with a stick. They ram it down with a baker's spoon. Yes, that's the lotus of Siam. I was on

having a dude's trip to Vegas this weekend. Vegas, baby. Found myself with a little solo time. Oh, wow. Had a quick masturbate. Quick masturbate. Just a brief masturbate. Quick masturbate. Just a brief masturbate. Wow.

And then I decided to go to the Mob Museum, which is something that's in Vegas. Okay. And I... Elliot Ness is like banging on your door when you're masturbating. Like, wait, come on. When are you in there? Get to my museum, see? Oh, wait, he was a cop.

Yeah, he was the cop. He was the lead, like, you know, prohibition dude. Finish up. This was a pretty good museum. Is this a real museum? It seems they... I mean, I understand that it's a real building, but, like, is this, like, a... It's not a museum of the mind.

Are Ripley's Believe It or Not type museum, or is this like a... This was what I was curious about. Yeah. Because, yeah, always the concern, especially if anything is in Las Vegas, is probably not a lot of legit educational things, especially that close to a place that's selling a yard of margarita that you can tie around your neck. Yeah. I mean, people will say to you, like, oh, you got to go to the spy spy museum or like the – you're like, I'm not sure that's a real museum. Yeah.

It's like immediately when it's a mobster museum, there's a kind of a caveat there. Yeah, yeah. All right. This is like a very specific part of history. That could be on American – This is a kind of crime. That could basically be on the National Mall and the red flag or at least the yellow flag would be waived. Yeah.

First question, how real is the museum? So there were a lot of boxes around wanting money. A lot of things of like donate to keep the museum open. I'll rephrase the question. How many games were inside of this museum? Yeah. How many puzzles did you solve? What rides

did it have? It had a log flume. Accredited museum. It had the Al Capone log flume. I got a mouse pad with my picture on it going over the edge. So yeah. So yeah.

I would say not a museum, but it doesn't throw it in your face that this is not a museum. It's not like a hard rock cafe. I had to go through a pretty significant amount of exhibits before I could buy a beer. So they don't immediately hand you a beer as you're walking in? That's kind of smart. Makes you crave beer the whole time. Yeah, you're talking about rum running.

Like, oh, why am I not drinking? The maddest guy. Ah, my bitch wife, I can't drink. Thanks for this museum. Are there moonshine tastings? There should be, right? It seems like a missed opportunity. They should just ladle something out of a bathtub and into a jar and hand it to you. And then the bathtub explodes because it's unstable.

It's interesting. That's like where the Kennedys come from. You know what? Big part of American history. If they didn't make their money, he wouldn't have happened. This museum is dead set, was very clear about its, I mean, I don't know how factual all of this is. I'm not Mr. Kennedy. Right. But the museum. Her name is just Kennedy.

Oh, yeah. Listen, I know one Kennedy and she introduced Gin Blossom songs on MTV. If there's another Kennedy, I don't want to know about him or her. She changed a nation. Now she's a weird conservative or something. Who hosts things on the game show network. The

museum is very up front that the Kennedys come from along a line of bootleggers, which I know is true, but also that the mob got him elected and they had him killed. Yeah. The museum seems very clear about what it thinks about that. Really?

Yeah. It's like their weird validation of the whole craft. Yeah. I mean, look. Look, great men went on from these murderers. Yeah. These guys who are like shooting people. They have a bullet from Jack Ruby's gun that you can see, which is very cool.

That's kind of out of left field. Yeah, I know, right? Do you think they just acquired the Jack Ruby bullet and then they built the Kennedy assassination narrative around that? We've got to tie this into the mob. Guys, look what Bill found in the parking lot. Kennedy's bullet. Hear me out. I've got $5 million to build a museum around.

Yeah. It does seem like, yeah, it seems like that was not, I mean, that was not something that I. I think the loosest version of like mobsters is like the Untouchables. That movie where it's just like everything against the wall. Like Sean Connery is like an Irish beat cop. And he's like, I know how to take down the mafia. And he like completely leads Elliot Ness down this like path. And then they're like, we're going to put him in the ground.

Like we're going to bust Capone. And then he just gets like tax evasion. And then I think in history, like he dies of syphilis, like around his family in his mansion, like the nicest surroundings. I mean, if you're going to die with all your teeth falling out and going mad. Yeah, it's probably the nicest way to die. Yeah. So, yeah, definitely convinced that Kennedy was elected by the mob and then killed by the mob.

Elected by the mob and then killed by the mob. There was a lot of video presentations where all of the actors were about the caliber of actor you would think to find in this kind of thing. Like someone from, you know, Reno Community Theater. Yeah. And not all of them were terrible. Right. I mean, just like the actors in like a cut scene from Star Wars Tie Fighter. Sure. Yeah. It is LucasArts CD-ROM caliber acting for the most part. But the one thing that everyone did that prevented me from, you know, getting swept up at all in this thing was all the men just had that intense frown, that put on frown.

Yeah. Like, hey, can you hear my voice? Because I've got this frown that I'm putting on. Like when someone does a- Like a bulldog. Like when someone does a bad Robert De Niro impression, they will artificially frown in a way that- Like everybody was doing like a, hey, I'm frowning over here.

I got spaghetti in my hand. I'm literally shoving in spaghetti. I got no bowl. I got no bowl. Look at my hands. There's an Andrew Dice Clay with the spaghetti around. Oh. Whoa.

Hey. Gotta eat these noodles. And then make some gay slurs. Yeah, it definitely, it definitely, like, and here's the thing is the artificial frown didn't prevent everyone from sucking at acting. Some guys transcended the frown and actually gave a pretty good performance. I heard that Jamesames franco was in that video as an art project oh man that is the next logical step for james franco is just being

an educational video shown at museum kiosks yeah you're like is that is that james franco there's a woman from one of the csis who tells you about the elephants at the los angeles zoo oh yeah that's pretty good she's like the goth one right oh i one. Right. I can't think of what her name is, though. I have never watched a CSI. She's like 50 years old, and she has two pigtails. That really disturbed me. I gotta hack. I gotta hack the computer.

That's where I pick up my grandkids. Oh, God. It's not the hacking. I'm hacking. I'm hacking. The thing I was thinking is, after dinner at the Sizzler, I'm going to do some light hacking. You're going to go hack the Pentagon. When you were talking about that reenactment thing, it just would make me think how much worse it would be if it was an old West Town where it was live action, like mobster reenactment.

Like doing the shootouts in the street. Oh, but Al Capone is here. And a thing that I thought was very delightful, at the end they have pictures of famous mobsters and it included everybody's nickname.

So here are some, here's a couple of mobster nicknames that I thought were pretty good. John Coughlin, a.k.a. Bathhouse John. Whoa. Wow.

That's actually a character from Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City. Yeah, it seems like Bathhouse John, like after he clocked out, would just get in there and- Just rough up that bathhouse. Used for good friends with Bette Midler in New York in the 70s. He said he got the nickname by he started his career as a scrubber in a bathhouse and eventually came to own one. Oh. So, Bathhouse John.

He started off as a scrubber, later became a jacker. He was the H.H. Holmes of his day. They're like, John, come in here. You've been doing some great work with the scrubbing. And as you know, we just lost- We'd like to make you Godfather. We just lost Paul. There's room for growth.

So if you eventually become the Jacker, you could make your way up to Don. I do love the simplicity of always the past where it's like, then he decided to become a dentist. He pulled teeth out of people's heads. No one stopped him, so he did it for 60 years. And along the lines of what we were talking about before. He had one of those barber poles, so he started letting blood professionally. Sawed the head off my kid. Insane psychopath.

Dennis DeLuca, a.k.a. Fat Dennis. Really? Well. You think they'd go with the DeLuca? Because that's kind of, I think in The Godfather, that's a character, right? There's like a DeLuca. Oh, I don't know. It's like Luca Brazzi or something like that.

Yeah. You think they would go with like the Luca part rather than the first? Yeah. Right. Dennis? Yeah, Fat Dennis. Fat Dennis. Oh, and there's like, you're Fat Dan.

I also, this past week, visited the fringes of the entertainment world. Simon, my four-year-old, said last Friday, he said, hey, Mom and Dad, can I go to the circus this weekend? And this had come up like- I'd like to go by myself, please. Yes, exactly. We got him a lift. He has been asking about this on and off, but he asked about it most in the late winter, which is when the circus is not in town at all. Like no circuses are in town.

But I had just been driving back from the Burbank airport and driven past the tent of the circus. So I knew the circus was in town. I was like, yeah, I guess we can go to the circus. Where did he find out about the circus? You know, he has some circus. Deep internet. He gets on the dark web and types in things a child would enjoy. And then orders heroin.

He's like, well, I was just buying heroin poppy seeds, but... Dot, dot, dot. Listen, I was buying celebrity nudes. What's your kid's favorite celebrity nude? Hit us up. They're above it. Hit us up on Facebook.

They've taken a stand. I will not masturbate to this. Their privacy. Send us a LinkedIn with your kid's favorite celebrity nude. Yeah, well, there's some circus-themed decor in his room. And so he's asked us about, like, what the circus – because you realize the circus is like a classic children's thing. It's like a dream. But if you've never seen the circus, it's the craziest idea in history.

Everyone gets together in this tent to let wild animals threaten to eat them. There's also men with crazy faces shooting water at each other. And it's specifically geared for kids. So I think when I was a kid, anytime

I found out about something that was meant for kids, that adults go to, that's amazing. Like National Geographic for Kids magazine. Highlights. And so anyway, he didn't really know anything about the circus. He'd never seen the circus.

But he knew that in the circus, there was a cannon that shot someone. Okay. Obsessed with that shot someone. Okay. Obsessed with that. Not every time. Wait, is he thinking of like a human cannonball or that famous black and white thing of the fat guy getting it in the stomach? He's deep into Led Zeppelin.

Yeah, Jesse's son is a big stoner, so he loves Zeppelin. Yeah. Rush. Yeah, he wants to see the freaks. Sort of a classic burnout. Yeah. He's really into the pinheads. Like, just fucked up stuff.

So I bought tickets to a circus called Circus Vargas, which I don't know if it's a regional circus. It seems like it's a California and Northern Mexico circus, maybe. northern mexico circus maybe okay um and i thought in my head i thought i am going to like granted this isn't going to be barnum brothers in ringling and bailey wait have some respect for the legacy for ringling brothers barnum and bailey sorry i'd like i knew it wasn't going to be that and i knew it wasn't going to be Cirque du Soleil. But I thought, this is a thing that tours every year. It's in town regularly, and we're going to get to sit close. It's a one-ring circus. But it'll be a-

Plus, you get to make a trip to Burbank, which kids enjoy. Oh, kids love Burbank. Sure, there's that Nordstrom rack. Sure. So, I was kind of excited about it. I haven't been to the circus since I was a little kid. I mean, have you guys been to the circus as adults? I was definitely like, yeah, 11 was probably the last.

I've seen a couple Cirque du Soleil's. Oh, really? Yeah. What's your Oh, really? Yeah. What's your review in general? Do you like them? I wouldn't want to watch it anymore. It is pretty amazing. Like the thing about Cirque du Soleil is it's legitimately amazing, but it's so fucking exhausting that I feel like having seen it in my life twice, once as a kid and once as an adult, I think.

I'm done. I don't need to see it anymore. You saw it as a kid? Yeah, I saw the first Cirque du Soleil that came to the States. Wow. Because like an aunt had seen it and she's like,

oh, it's so amazing. And it was. It was totally amazing. And the other time I saw it, which was like a later, you know, this was maybe right after college, 10 years ago maybe.

It's like the musical Cats. It was great when it came out way, way long ago. But now let's make other stuff in advance. Let's find something else for French Canadians to do. Yeah, you don't have to just do Cats or Cirque du Soleil. I bet it's still totally amazing, Cirque du Soleil. But it's just exhausting. Like it takes every – it fully – it's like a black hole for your sense of Marvel and whimsy.

And so by the end of it, you're just a husk that has no Marvel and whimsy left. And you have to over years build back up your Marvel and whimsy. But it is really remarkable. You just want to see something grisly after you see a Cirque du Soleil show. Because it is, I mean, like all circuses, I mean, the central issue of a circus, and this is something that I had forgotten about, is that at the end of the day, you're looking at people who, you know, it is like the most attention-sucking thing on earth. And it's people who maybe weren't necessarily born with talent of some kind, but just needed. They got to have it. Needed.

They got to get it out there. Needed. And, I mean, please understand that I'm saying this in the context of Jordan and I here having probably the least professional job in all of entertainment, podcast host. Hampton, of course, is a stand-up comedian who just goes on stage and talks. Basically a homeless person. But, yeah, like I think circus is like maybe even more than magician, the job where just sheer determination to get people to look at you. Focused attention.

Trumps all else to the point where not only do you dedicate your entire life to developing some skill, but also you're willing to live in a train or whatever. Yeah. And just travel from town to town. Showing people how your thumb can bend backwards. Twelve people who've been human trafficked out of. Sounds like you would in some bad circuses. How your thumb can bend backwards. 12 people who've been human trafficked out of La Via in Mongolia. I've been to the lowest rung of circuses, baby. It's a guy whose thumb bends backwards.

Yeah, it's a guy in a port-a-potty who can just bend his thumb back. It's your nose. And then a guy who can do that armpit fart. Maybe those were our circuses growing up. I have like, and this is a character flaw of mine. I'm not presenting it as a brag, but I have like the lowest tolerance of anyone I know, except maybe my wife, for not that good performance. Like live performance.

Yeah. Like I don't hate the people involved. I just, you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean. It's a very raw feeling. You feel embarrassed and mad and you're just like, I want to go and be respectful. But like, yeah, this is like nerve grinding. Like I've only ever, I left, I left a comedy sports show in DC once because I just couldn't deal with it.

Oh man. But like I, yeah, I, and I will, I hate like the prospect of going to a friend's thing that might be anything less than great. I just hate it because I love my friend and I know that I'm going to have this problem. It's not their fault. I can't lie to people when they're like, how'd you like it? And they want you to have enjoyed it. And I'll be like, I just would rather be quiet right now and not bum you out. I'm actually forgetting how to talk as we speak.

And I feel like a monster. I feel like a And I feel. I'm actually forgetting how to talk as we speak. And I feel like a monster. I feel like a monster about it. And so anything that is like, I even got like, I went to my son's preschool show. And like basically found myself. You thought it had problems with flow. I found myself sitting there resenting three-year-olds. For not entertaining you enough. The problem is you start resenting the performance because it's not good.

And then you, if you're me, you hate yourself for having. So my wife's biggest problem is she can't deal with like if she's watching stand-up which we do from time to time uh and somebody's bombing uh it doesn't really matter whether she likes the show or not she gets so embarrassed for them that she can't deal with it because she's very sympathetic that's very yeah empathy yeah and um whereas uh i could watch somebody that i thought was good that was bombing because I'd just be like, this is fun. This is funny or whatever. But if I don't like someone, it makes me want to stab my eyes out.

And I also feel horrible about that. Like I want to be really clear that I feel awful when I have that feeling. And so Circus, I had completely forgotten, but is the highest stakes game of that. Completely forgotten, but is the highest stakes game of that. Absolutely. Because everything is just, there's no, it is, it is just two hours of the purest shamelessness. Yeah. Like more than a street performer.

Like these people. I could be eating a tiger. Now I'm on fire. And this guy's funny, right? Yeah. It's like, Jesus. And so, yeah, so I watched the, I watched the circus. So what's, I guess, what's at a circus these days? You got clowning.

So this circus, I figured, is going to have clowns. I figured it will, because I'm trying to prepare Simon. So I said it probably won't have the cannon, but it might. It will almost certainly have clowns, and it will probably have some animals. That was like – and it will almost certainly have flying trapeze. I mean these are the basics. No animals. Okay.

No clowns. No clowns. No cannon. There were two clown-like guys that were like the hosts of it. They could have just been perverts. Local perverts. I think it was the insane clown boss walked in just two local juggalos neither of them really spoke english

so the show was in english so this is the thing the show was in english and then i was also prepared for the possibility that i was going i wasn't sure but i was was prepared for the possibility that I was going – I wasn't sure, but I was prepared for the possibility I was going to a Mexican circus. Everything would be in Spanish and like it would be just completely culturally foreign to me. I thought, well, that would be kind of fun. The only snacks are crickets. But – You want to take that back? That's specifically a Oaxacan circus, Jordan.

Yeah, I mean we did have a few chapulines so the uh the circus was not it may be Mexican owned but I really I forgot circus is like the most international thing yeah so like it was people of every kind of not speaking english in the show but the two like the two hosts of the show were uh uh white guys who were maybe eastern european or russian um and it was one of them played the trumpet for some reason and literally fully played fucking songs on the trumpet in the show oh like that was it just that was his thing he also had a shaved head it's not comforting he didn't most white supremacist trumpet player he did most of the talking but like he would play like they would play like bootleg versions of like it's kind of like if Cirque du Soleil music was crossed with high energy music. You know, like y'all ready for this?

And he would play along on the trumpet. And he was really playing the trumpet. So there would be like a dance, like 90s dance music, but then he would be trumpeting over that? Slightly spacey, but similarly high energy 90s dance music, but then he would be trumpeting over that? Slightly spacey, but similarly high energy 90s dance music. Yeah. Like a little bit less, but completely electronically generated. Okay. Weird.

Like I would say the same music that they're dancing to in a club in Poland right now. Okay. And he's probably a Polish trumpet legend. He could be the Louis Armstrong of Poland. He invented that style. So these two guys are hosting it. Trump Smash? You don't listen to Trump Smash?

They came on at the top of the show and did the fucking full cast production number. The cast was only like 16 people. But a full cast production number that was one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. Like just imagine because it's like they're trying to do a Cirque du Soleil dance thing. Like a beautiful. And they're trying to have a theme. The theme was something about everyone has a phone and an iPad. Ah, the kids these days.

But this production number went on for like 10 minutes. Wait, everyone has a phone and an iPad? They don't have trumpets. I can't. They've forgotten their trumpet ways. Yeah, literally. But with, hey, put down the iPad and pick up a harmonica. I can kind of like see it already.

It was like a dance. Don't you believe in wonder? It was like if you gave. It is not on a screen. It is in nature nature it is in your trumpet it was brass instruments it was like if you gave the drama club from your high school orders to choreograph a 10-minute dance on the theme of there's too many screens in our lives that day like non-dancers like i want to be clear everyone was doing dance-ish moves

clearly none of these people were dancers just grinding on each other general fitness level i mean you know a lot of them are like trapeze artists so they're highly fit it was like watching the giant like sex mosh pit in the third matrix when they're all just grinding on each other. So that happened. That was the first act. But since seeing that, have you taken a little bit more care to take your face out of that glowing hypno box and look around you at a butterfly? I read the show Black Mirror is about that.

Cool. Corner me at a party and tell me about it. Please corner me. Did you know there's layers to the shows you watch? Whoa. Slow down. I'm so glad I'm in this conversation. Hampton, please slow down because I do not want to be disaffected about what's going on behind those suburban white picket fences.

In a post-American beauty society society what are we supposed to do okay so first act was this super fucking weird dance number by the way it was kind of expensive to go to this not really expensive yeah but like i'm gonna say 40 bucks a ticket like that. That's low in theme park. And that was not for the fancy seats. That was for the medium seats. So – oh, by the way, during the course of this, my four-year-old son ate two full hot dogs. Like just shoved two – this is a kid who eats like – That's a lot, but not like –

Like this is like a 20-pound child. I don't even know how big my son is. Did you give him the old... That's an officer. I don't know. He's 140, a buck 20. So the second act was one of the best things. It was a thing where there was a big wall and a giant trampoline.

And the wall had like doorways in it. And they would like run up the wall and then fall on the trampoline, do a flip, run up the wall, fall down, jump into the doorway, through the doorway from the trampoline. That was all right. Like a Buster Keaton kind of crazy thing. I can't emphasize how awful the music was throughout. Y'all ready for this like it was just it was just y'all ready for this in different languages it was like where it was so awful that like if like i don't know uh if like a a

a katie perry song like a lesser katie per song came on, you would just be like, oh, thank fucking God. Wow. Katy Perry is okay. Saving me. With songs about birthdays. Yeah, from the rest of this stuff. So there was that.

And then there was like- Was it pop music or was it just like, was it like weird- It depends. Free use library music or something. Pop music that you don't hear, is like bedding music for other stuff. I think I've heard this kind of stuff where it's almost like I'm sure this is not even a hit. It's like produced. I would say that the whole show was sort of like what if you took – like the cast of a circus from 1960 took them to Cirque du Soleil once and then just said like,

I don't know, I guess that's what people want to see. And they're like, I wasn't paying attention. I was drunk. And they're like, sorry, you have to compose some music. Oh my God.

There was this woman. Okay. There was this woman and I don't even know how to describe this woman. She was like, she was husky. She was like, I'm trying to like i'm trying to paint a full picture like i don't want anyone to think that i think any of these characteristics are like essential characteristics or determined what her role was but she was like a husky 47 year old latina woman uh in a corset uh what with her hair pulled back and like crazy makeup

who just wandered around during the show like all of the people that's horrifying all of the people who were all the other people who were like bad at doing something there was a part of the show that they were good at and you're like i guess they're in it for that, but then because it's a small show, they have to... They have to do the dancer. Right. But, like, she did not do any other... Like, I guess maybe she was, like, the owner? Like, that was...

All I could think was maybe this woman is Mrs. Vargas. Oh, yeah. And that's how she ended up just... Just all the dance numbers, she's just wandering around. Does she have a smile? Was she, like... Nope. Is she just kind of. Does she have a smile? Nope. Is she just kind of eyeballing everything?

Kind of just imagine someone doing that hand gesture where you put your hand in front of you and then spread it outward. Like, this is your world. Like kind of doing that. No dancing, no skills, no juggling, no trapeze, whatever. Oh, no trapeze, whatever. Oh, no trapeze either? No, just a middle-aged woman, like a portly middle-aged woman in tights and a corset. Like sparkly tights and a corset. What was the grand finale? Very severely pulled back hair.

There was one act which was really great, which was a guy who did that thing where there's like two straps, like two soft wrist straps. Sure. And then you pull yourself up and do poses and then spin around the room. Yeah, do all that stuff. That guy was pretty amazing. How jacked was he? He was fucking – I can't even begin to tell you how jacked he was. It was terrifying how jacked he was. This guy was like.

The musculature is just like moving like a cat's stomach. Like it made me feel sick to my stomach how muscular this dude was. Like this guy, you just like, yeah. I've seen it too. It's crazy. It just made me want to touch his body and cry. Like, what are you, sir? Who made you?

Like, sort of like when you see a picture of Bruce Lee, only he was bigger than Bruce Lee. Like a big dude, like a big trapeze dude. Bruce Lee was kind of a tiny guy. Yeah, like he wasn't, he's not, he wasn't like- He was like Prince if he could kill everyone. He wasn't monstrously giant, but I don't think I've even seen a picture of someone so cut in my entire life. Gotta go to the circus. He, by the way, had a woman who was in on his act

and was awful. Oh, really? Like, she was clearly just like, yeah, normally I'm a horse trick rider, but we ran out of horses. Yeah, it was so strange. But he was legitimately amazing. Like I was just stunned by his act.

It's always fun to watch like human achievement kind of tricks where you're like, yeah, I always marvel at like the ability to do insane gymnastics and stuff. They did have a flying trapeze. They did nothing remarkable in the entire flying trapeze act, but they learned how to do it. Flying trapeze is pretty neat. It's pretty neat, you know? So they just went from trapeze to trapeze? Yeah, I mean, they did like a couple flips. Okay.

But like nothing where you'd be like, it may be that it's like skateboarding. You know how you see somebody do the greatest skateboard trick ever? And if you don't know anything about skateboards, you're just like, yeah, he's like skateboarding you know how you see somebody do the greatest skateboard trick ever and if you don't know anything about skateboards you're just like yeah he's just skateboarding and then some skateboard guys says like oh he did a 360 hawk into a flip flam and they're like blowing you away like stuff that you can't even technically comprehend i think it's that it's like if i saw someone do any trick on a skateboard i'm like i admit there is some proficiency that i can't learn and you have done and i applaud that that. And I'm like, just that effort alone. But I mean, to be fair, I can't even push, I can't even stand on a skateboard, much less push it forward. You know what I mean? Yeah,

for real. To some extent, but the problem is that it's all very flat for me. So like, I am impressed by people who can stand on and push a skateboard, but it's the same amount of impressed when I watch the X Games. Every slam dunk I see is a miracle. Yeah. It shouldn't be happening. So how did Simon enjoy it? It was his idea. They did have a globe of death.

Oh, with the guys motorcycled around in? Three fucking guys, and the globe of death was tiny. Oh. Like the globe of death was way smaller than I imagined it when I thought about my vague memories of having seen it at a circus as a kid. Like it is like barely – like it's the size of the studio that our audience can't see right now. Like it is – It's crazy and they're all going like – And then a woman comes in and stands in the middle of it.

And we're just riding mopeds. We're not even riding full-size motorcycles in here. We're just on little Vespas. Yeah, well, I mean, I got like a 120cc dirt bike. Oh, I can't see because my eyes are closed. You just start pulling donuts. There's barely any room. But so I was sincerely like, this is the thought that came into my head while the globe of death was going on.

It was – and this is totally real. It was like, oh, shit. The progression was, oh, shit. That globe of death is way too small. Oh, shit. They've got three guys in there. Oh, shit. They're legitimately going to die.

Oh, shit. They're legitimately going to die. Like, I've never seen someone do, like, a death-defying stunt where I sincerely, like, in my heart of hearts felt that they would die. Yeah. You're, like, watching it and repeating it. You're like, globe of death. Oh, my. They're all going to die.

You guys know what this is called? Did you study? And then that set me off on a prospect. W a wondering if anybody's ever fucked in there the globe of life birthed my son evil knievel inside the globe of death uh the the prospect of uh the prospect of them dying set me off on an even more terrifying idea which was what do you do if you take your four-year-old to the circus and someone dies before their eyes? Yeah. You're just like, ah, he's resting so hard.

His head is resting apart from his body. That guy's so tired. Yeah. What a sleepy head. So that was the last act. But then they did – For an encore. Born to Run.

They were just showing goofs and For an encore. Born to run. They were just showing goofs and outtakes. The host did one of those things. I genuinely – so one of the hosts, the one who didn't play the trumpet, beatboxed and was not notably good at it. Sure. Tried to get – it was like watching a shitty street performer in like Vancouver or the Third Street Promenade or Times Square. But like – Three biggest arts communities out there. Third Street, Vancouver, Times Square.

Times Square. So places with shitty street performers. I like all of Vancouver has it. Vancouver is the street performer capital of the world. Is it? Montreal has a lot of street performers. Yeah. Tons of shitty street performers in Vancouver. Vancouver is a wonderful, wonderful

city, by the way, while I'm copping pleas after having insulted cities. She doesn't do it before. It's called the old Town Slam wind-up. Great city, awesome food. Here are some bad things about it. Yeah, I mean, they did.

The guy who didn't play trumpet beatboxed. It was awful. He tried to get the crowd to participate, but it was not a huge crowd or a full room. Also, it was like 98 degrees in the tent. I was like sweating and felt like I was going to pass out because there's no air conditioning inside tents. And like the children's events. I'm sure it's just rank. And children's events in Burbank are held at 1 p.m.

So, yeah, he tried to get the crowd to participate in his thing. This is after the Globe of Death. Yeah, he did a whole thing with like one of those, you know where you got two sticks with a string attaching them? And then there's a gourd that you flip up in the air. A gourd. Like a spinning. A gourd full of ancient liquid that you need to live. It sounds like they are following what was legitimately amazing, which was guys riding a motorcycle in a globe of death.

Yeah. With, here are some annoying guys from your college quad. That's exactly what happened. Bad beatboxing. Let's just get it going. Yeah. After the show. All right.

Let's just get it going. You got to get it going. All right. We're going to get it going. It's done. I felt so bad. And then a guy plays Blackbird on an acoustic guitar. I felt so bad for the super cut guy.

I was like, I really hope that this guy got kidnapped from his home country or something. Or maybe fled persecution in his home country for a better life. Yeah, like this is just a plan to get a green card and escape and just go work at a chinese restaurant or something the circus is a big scam for like uh getting a green card and stuff really there's actually like people who are just like comics who are canadian comics who just like pretend like there's a circus company that you can like will give you like you're a performer basically you know it's like all under the table and stuff wow And apparently it's like a system that's just like all around. That's amazing. Yeah.

No, definitely these people, none of these people, like if ICE, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency, had showed up, the entire performance would have just scattered. To all four corners of the world. That's what's great in multicultural. Like fully, like just a smoke bomb would have gone down and when it cleared, like everyone would just be in Estonia. Yeah, and the woman in the corset would have like gone into hell. Seems like all the performers were wearing jet packs, but they never used them. It seemed to be a just-in-case kind of thing.

It was so strange. But then the grand – so that performance, which was supposed to get us pumped, went for so long like probably 15 minutes and then it closed with a dance number that was so awful and then and then i'm gonna i'm gonna say like so many curtain calls. What? Every performer had a... Come on out. The whole dance number was like a series of hold for applause situations. Salute the troops.

Salute these brave performers. Each person had a point where they struck a pose and you were supposed to applaud applaud for them but then there were also like three different times where you had to applaud for everybody and then they all went back behind the curtain the curtain went down and then it came back up and everybody had to applaud again and all of the applause was tepid like the entire time they're doing this i'm gonna say they were doing different configurations and moves regarding applause for 10 minutes. How many throughout the show? Yeah. Sounds like there's a lot of opportunity for it in that opening number.

Right. What I'm curious about is how many like recently thought of modern jokes were there in the thing. For instance, did anyone say Trump? And did anyone say damn Daniel? No, there were zero. None of those? Deep cut. The closest thing, they acknowledge the presence of screens in our society. Okay.

The closest thing to a joke, I would say, is a guy who might be French, might be Portuguese, French, might be Portuguese, might be Catalonian with a shaved head and one of those string stick gourd things going, and then the audience is supposed to make that noise. Oh. That was the closest thing to a joke. It was not really ripped from the headlines. It was a fucking nightmare. Although, to be fair, in his home country, when you watch Big Bang Theory, that's what they say instead of Bazinga. Yeah.

Kind of lets out a Tim Allen. Oh, there might have been a fart part. Okay. Fart part. There might have been a part where the two hosts were pretending that the other ones were farting. It's like, what did you pay to see? Stop farting. There are too many screens.

We are not farting on each other. No one is wonderment for farts. I guess I want to know, like, as a parent. So you asked how Simon felt about it. I would say like a combination of like it for about two thirds, it held his attention as long as I kept giving him hot dogs. But like I would say he was tolerant of it, but confused and saddened. Okay. Because it wasn't anything that a child would like or want to see. I think they see books, you know, where it's like the train, like, with the animals, like, all coming into town.

Like, it's a very, like, just a joy. Like, this is the place we get to go see animals, like, go be wild, like, around each other. Yeah, I think, I mean, I guess now it's probably understood that circuses are cruel to animals. But yeah, it seems like that's the main, like... I mean, that gymnast, they probably kept in a cage. We need to be cruel to someone, okay? Wait, where am I going to put all this cruelty? I got this bag of cruelty.

Just take it out on a strong man. Yeah, it seems like maybe if we can't do animals anymore. Zoos are getting the backlash in Nexus SeaWorld. I understand why animals are bad, are the suffer cruelty at circuses, and I can see that being a thing. And I overall agree that, I guess, given that information, maybe animals shouldn't be at circuses. But these damn kids are on the screens. Yeah. But I would have definitely preferred this show

if it had animals in it. Sure. Absolutely. I wanted to see a bear riding a motorcycle so bad. Oh, hell yeah. Unhappy as shit. He's defected the KGB. Just waiting to maul.

When can I maul? When can I maul? Withers Just waiting to maul. When can I maul? When can I maul? Withers are opening for maul. It's crazy that that's really the attractive thing. And the circus, the real appeal is, it's not the zoo. There's danger. There's the possibility of danger. But then it's like,

well, that's also where all that cruelty was coming from. Well, when you take one out, it's like, it's a man also where all that cruelty was coming from. Like, well, when you take one out, it's like, it's a man. He's jumping through doors. How's he doing it? So when he's... Let me ask you this. Handkerchief magic. He's hit the frame of the door 77 times while attempting to perfect it.

Did Simon like this more or less than when you took him to see Carol? How much... Did you take your child to see room yet kids love room i think uh the renaissance fair is a really good like option now because it's like taking kids to yeah it's like it's not just gonna be people like drunk pouring mead on us i think well yes it's gonna have to see that someday i thought the renaissance fair i mean kid's gonna have to see that someday. I thought the Renaissance Faire was... I mean, he's gonna go to San Diego State, right? Kids find drunk adults

hysterical. It's true, yeah. They're cautionary tales that you get to laugh at. I was under the impression that Renaissance Faires had really become about nerds fucking under blankets. I think that

if you are an adult, you pick up on that because you're wise in the ways of the world. Because you've lived, damn it. We haven't had our faces in a fucking screen for half our lives. Now there's a wizard app. I had to go to the Renaissance Fair

and have a wizard in my face. I think if you are an adult, you realize like, There's a wizard app. I had to go to the Renaissance Fair and have a wizard in my face. I think if you are an adult, you realize like, oh, this is an outlet for drunk, horny nerds. But I don't think any of it is out in the open. Do they have falconry? No more than like Comic-Con. Yeah. I'm not taking my kid to Comic-Con either. If they were really into superheroes, would you?

Yeah. Do they have falconry? I think there is. Yeah, I think there's like falconry and jousting. There's a lot of stuff. I think if you were a kid, you wouldn't pick up on any of that and it would just seem like a fun, like you've been transported to a fun and magical land. Well, I want to know.

This is what I want to know. Maybe a little older. If I take my kids to Ringling Brothers in Barnum and Bailey bailey circus will it be is that worth going to no you're still out circuses are over is this like gypped i want to know like is this about i went to see a a second rate circus you saw a dying art or is this about or is this about that actually circuses have always sucked, you just used to be five years old? It's hard to say. I mean, yeah, maybe all the, you know, it's swiping all of the best performers are going to Vegas to be in Cirque du Soleil. You know, maybe the amazing trapezes and the clowns.

I don't know because- They get out of Vargas once they get called up to the big leagues, which is Zumanity at the win. I know two clowns. Called up to the big leagues, man. The clown and big leagues. Sorry, Vargas. I'm going to Zumanity at the win.

I know two clowns, Jordan. The sketch comedy duo 10 West, real brilliant sketch comedy duo based here in Los Angeles for a long time. We used to do shows with them. They came to Max Fun Con. One of them joined Cirque du Soleil. And one of them is a farmer. Wow.

Just became a farmer. Oh. So maybe they're all becoming farmers. Yeah, I guess maybe that's... Yeah, maybe that's... And I bet if we would talk to a lifelong clown, they probably would have something to say to the old – those French Canadians who are coming down here and ruining our industry. I think we've got two action items here. One is let me know whether I should try going to another circus.

And this presumes that – just presume that I'm unbothered by the animal stuff. I understand that people could have strong feelings about that. And but just presume that let's leave that out of the. Let's presume I'm not giving a fuck. And the other one is let us know whether in your community chode means taint or cat food can. Yeah. Put them in the circus. Yeah.

Put those on Maximum Fun in Facebook. Hashtag them JJ Go on Twitter and share them with us at MaximumFun.reddit.com. We'll be back in just a – oh, P.S. I did buy some tickets for Octonauts Live. So if you've got any tips on what Octonauts Live is going to be like, also let me know about that. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Also, let me know about that. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

This week's Jordan, Jesse, go is supported by Casper, an online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price. Casper were nice enough to send me and my wife, Teresa, a Casper mattress back when they sponsored Teresa's show, One Bad Mother. Honestly, I was kind of skeptical that a mattress that came out of a weird cardboard box could be nicer than the mattress that you get at the mattress store. But we still have it on our bed. We love it. They're really reasonably priced compared to the competition. And it's just such a pleasure not to have to go and argue with a mattress salesman. Made in the USA, they start at 500 bucks. It's a great value and Jordan Jesse Go listeners get $50 toward any mattress purchase by going to casper.com slash jjgo and using the promo code

jjgo at checkout. That's casper.com slash jjgo and use the code code JJ Go. Terms and conditions do apply. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Hampton Yunt. I nailed it that time. You can have a nickname. Should we have been saying Yount this whole time?

Well, you said like Yount or something like that. I said Yount. Something like that. Like Robin Yount. Yeah. I mean, it's just a difference. Baseball Hall of Famer Robin Yount. There's definitely like part of the family that says Yount and some say Yount.

Why did you not go with Baseball Hall of Famer Robin Yount? Because the way my parents whipped it into me. How many hits do you have? Is it more than 3,000? I just have to follow the major league, you know,

what they do. If we ever have a guest on this show named Ken Molotow or something, I'll know. How to pronounce his name? No, how to... I'll something. I'll know. How to pronounce his name? I'll know that it's a fucking conspiracy.

You can have a nickname if you want to. I think they're given. Baseball Hall of Famer Hampton. I know that. Baseball Hall of Famer. I like it. Yeah, I think it's fun. I want to mention real quick before we get into momentous occasions that MaxFunCon East tickets are on sale now at MaxFunCon.com.

Regular MaxFunCon is coming up. I'm looking forward to that. Jordan, are you looking forward to that? No. Me and Jordan are going to be at MaxFunCon one of the activities at MaxFunCon so Jordan usually teaches a sketch writing or an improv class at MaxFunCon but

rather than have Jordan do that in both class sessions at MaxFunCon this year one of the class sessions is going to just be a Q&A with me and Jordan literally the laziest thing we could come up with but we are going to record it. I think we'll make it a bonus episode. How about that? Sounds like a lot of fun, so donors

can listen to it. Yeah, and if you're anywhere near the Poconos Labor Day weekend in the Poconos, MaxFunCon East, we have an amazing lineup already, and we're still adding people to it, although it is secret. You can get those tickets at MaxFunCon.com. And Father's Day is coming up.

If you want to buy a beautiful vintage thing or a scarf or a pocket square designed by me, go to putthisonshop.com. Obviously, I didn't design the vintage items, Hampton. I want to make that clear. But I did select them. You're the Kanye West of pockets. Yeah. If you use the code FULLCHORT, you get free shipping for being a Jordan Jesse Go listener. When something momentous happens to you, call us, 206-984-4FUN, for the segment Momentous Occasions.

And I've got good news, Jordan. Our voicemail provider, we've been using the same voicemail provider since we started Jordan, Jesse, Go! in 2006 or whatever. It was into the whatevers. Yeah. In 2006, they already had... Simpler times, right? Simpler times. I personally wish

we could go back to the whatevers. They had a somewhat... What I would characterize as a... When that gorilla was still alive. Holy shit.

Bush was in office. Bush was in office. The gorilla was alive. The gorilla we all love. Our nation's gorillas were saved. Yeah. There was a... Do you think there's art?

Do you think that gorilla's in heaven? I was going to say, is there art of the gorilla meeting the lion in heaven? You know that lion? Cecil. Anyway, if you have found any fan art of the gorilla meeting the lion in heaven, please tweet that to me. We've been using the same voicemail provider for like 10 years. And even 10 years ago, they had kind of an outdated website and no clear business model.

Basically, it was just a thing that gave you a phone number and then it would email you every voicemail you got on that. And it was real fact-centric also, which really speaks to 2006. And they finally went out of business. It was something where I assumed that they would go out of business any month now for 10 years. They did not update their website the entire 10 years in any way. It was a complete zombie business. But it finally closed. And we and stop podcasting

yourself both use this system uh stop podcasting yourself i had to flip out and change their phone number but we did not because we used american phone number portability laws and brian's creativity to keep 206-984-4 fun so thankful, residents of Seattle. It remains a local call for you. Thank God. Thank God. That's just another way that we're better. Almost lost the whole show. Just another way that we're better than stop podcasting yourself.

I also didn't break my own child's leg, which is something that Dave talked about this week on the show. Oh, no. Yeah. He totally did. A bit of anger. I bet he feels this week on the show. Oh, no. He totally did. Fit of anger. I bet he feels bad about it. I'm sorry, Dave. He's trying to turn him into a super soldier. You gotta,

you know, you gotta get some bumps and bruises. Her. Her. Super soldier-esque. So he was just kind of into this, what's happening to Arya on this season of Game of Thrones. Being slowly turned into a faceless assassin. Yeah. Cool.

And you can't remember why. Yeah. For some reason. Why does she want to do this so bad? That lady keeps kicking, hitting her in the head with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle stick. So she can kill everyone on her to kill list. Why is she going to kill all those people? Because they've wronged her.

But why does she have to become a faceless assassin to do that? I thought that other guy was going to kill those people for her. She's a little girl. The hound? And she killed him. Is this how she's going to... Well... Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Well. Yeah. Anyway. Finish the books. Oh, all right. Come on, Martin.

Quit going on Conan every six months. Finish the books. Oh, all right. Come on, Martin. Finish the books. Quit going on Conan every six months. Write a goddamn book. You think it's going on Conan that's picking up all the time? Yeah, he's got to book Conan, buy outfits. Not the fact that he owns a bowling alley. Is that what he does? Spending all his time spraying that disinfectant into shoes.

Sure, making sure the claw machine has up-to-date prizes. 206-984-4FUN. Still our number and still better than ever. Save the number, baby. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and the guests. This is Angie calling from Minnesota. This is Angie calling from Minnesota, and right now I'm driving behind a Honda Odyssey van that has a very interesting license plate slash family sticker combination going on. The family stickers, there's like five of them. They are dressed in Star Trek uniforms.

And their license plate is K-H-A-A-A-N. Con! May the force be with you. That is the wrong Star Trek reference. But I don't care. Bye. How dare you. I feel like she kind of saved it by accidentally saying, may the force be with you

at the end. Star Trek reference. I saw a license plate that I... It's live long and prosper. I saw a license plate that I read as Yo Ants. Y-O-A-N-T-S. I don't know what else

that could be Yo ants I'm walking here I'm frowning Save the queen I would just like to point out that the only appropriate Star Trek reference that I'm familiar with

is picking up a mouse and then going Hello computer Hello I don't know. I can't decide. I feel so many different ways about adult fiction that puts its shit that it enjoys on the child. One, that's annoying. Well, I have a child if you can't impart all of your beliefs onto it.

Literally, why else? Yeah. One. I just hope he grows up to be a completely different you can't impart all of your beliefs onto it. Literally, why else? One. I just hope he grows up to be a completely different person. Who I don't. He beats me up. Who I have nothing to talk about with. Who I have no method of conversing with.

On one hand. It is obnoxious. It's obnoxious. Yeah. And especially when there's an internet component. Like, hey, look at my kid's Bobba fett costume or whatever that's annoying but also i don't know it's a kid kids just enjoy everything equally so you might as well i don't know yeah it is it is a little weird i mean you know people on the screens sure i hate looking at those facebook posts yeah people but you know to someone i guess like that's

you know that's their accomplishment it's like i made my to someone, I guess, like, that's, you know, that's their accomplishment. It's like, I made my baby wear a Boba Fett costume. That's like I've achieved something in a weird way. I always think it's funny when everybody has, like, a punk rock shirt on their baby. I'm like, oh, does your baby like the Dead Kennedys? Sure, yeah. Your baby is often too drunk to fuck, right? Your baby's, like, that cool?

Does your baby want to kill the poor? Your baby's like that cool. Your baby wants to kill the poor. Yeah, I don't know. And I guess Star Trek dad is probably a pretty fun guy. He's probably better than hunting dad or whatever. Can you imagine like an abusive Star Trek dad? Yeah. Is that right? Same as the hunting dad.

He's just drinking a smoking Ferengi cocktail. Throws it at you when you... Making me wear the Klingon head grooves. It takes hours of makeup. Yeah, you gotta do it. No son of mine's gonna be a Ferengi. Anyway. Yeah.

So I don't know. I feel multiple different ways about it. Depending on when you catch me, I might think that Star Trek family was cool or annoying i bought my children san francisco giants shirts yeah and hats uh-huh it's because the irony is they if they had a concussion it'd be they'd be dead there'd be no coming back from it sure i i got it for them because i didn't want them to grow up to be Dodgers fans. Yeah. So I just didn't want to deal with my whatever my feeling like my weird feelings about that. So do you. I mean, I'd rather have them get beat up at school every day for their entire life.

Yeah. So but I mean, is the I think something I have heard from parents is the way to ensure your child be into the thing you want them to be in is to not encourage it. Sure. So by, you know, let's say forcing, much like Thai noodles will be forced into your mouth, by forcing it on them, are you ensuring that they think it's lame when they get to the point in their life where they have to think that that their parents are lame my thing is to make it available to yeah totally right that just makes sense because it's like whatever makes you interested in something it's because you discovered it and how you discovered it you know at what point it came and like how it came into your life so it's like if it's just available maybe it'll spark the same way maybe not but at least they'll have like a healthy respect

for that thing because it was like on the table the same. Yeah, I mean, I think what's important is that he not turn out to be some, you know,

weak ass nerd, basically. Just don't be a jerk. Yeah. You can like anything. I'm pretty cool with you. If he turns out to be some square nerd,

though. Yeah. Some poindexter walking around the house. calendar. I was going cool with you. If he turns out to be some square nerd, though. Yeah. Some poindexter. Just walk around the house. With his calendar. I was going to say calculator. But I guess nerds also like calendars. What age do you show your children Revenge of the Nerds?

I don't know. At what point are they able to process different era's standards for rape jokes? What is not rape? A cordial rape. Yeah. And there was a character named Booger. I mean, it's pretty low class. Yeah.

Let's take our next call. Jesse and Jess, this is Glenn from New Jersey calling with a momentous occasion. I'm about to record my first comedy album to a sold-out room, and I feel like that's pretty momentous. And I know you guys like it when people call, like, when stuff is happening. So when I say about to, I mean I'm on stage right now in front of people who want me to hang up the phone and tell them jokes, and they have something that they would like to say.

Thanks, guys. Love the show. Garaba. Well, a hearty Garaba to you, comedy audience. That's nice you guys got included on an album. Yeah, I hope we're a bonus track. Every time

they play old Glenn's comedy album on Spotify. Man, bare minimum, I want to be like a DVD bonus feature. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like here, the cool thing that they did with the cool podcast hosted by handsome guys. That's probably what it would be called. And they shouted their famous catchphrase, Garaba.

Garaba. Garaba, baby. Do you have any idea what that possibly was? I have no idea. Yeah, I genuinely don't have any idea what that was. Like a non-English speaking audience. Yeah, that was the Eastern Bloc's most famous comedian. Sounds like you guys have a couple enemies out there. Yeah.

A couple marauders who want to cut off your heads. They did sound like marauders. They definitely sounded like water was their currency. He's like promising them water in the future. Yeah. Bring me their heads. You will get many seeds. 206-9844-FUN if you've got a momentous occasion.

And, you know, Glenn, the stand-up comedian with the indecipherable catchphrase is right. We do like it when you call in just as it's happening. He did the right thing there, calling it in. If he leaves it on the album, we'll give it a plug on the show. Yeah. That's the secret, by the way. The title of the album.

The secret to success is getting a plug on Jordan Jesse Go. Oh, yeah. It's what they call a legacy program, Jordan. Hampton, are you ready for your career to finally take off? Jordan, Jesse, go is basically. Can I call in another radio program as I'm doing this one? Yeah, sure. At this point, Jordan, Jesse, go, Jordan is like Windows 7.

You know, it's like, sure, you could upgrade from Jordan, Jesse, go. But you've had Jordan, Jordan Jesse go for a long time you're writing Game of Thrones on it you're not gonna upgrade it's not strictly speaking broken you know it runs smoothly on your mp3 playing

device Zune you might as well stick with it you know it's a creative Zen actually Zune's actually some dedicated worship there. Yeah. I can't imagine doing that

if only they, yeah. You're not going to call us when you record your next album? How do you recover after you plug the superior comedy format in mid-show? Yeah, most people prefer this

to something that people have actually worked at. Yeah, I wonder prefer this to something that people have actually worked at. Yeah, I wonder. I hope he didn't. This was the end of the set. And maybe just as like, hey, thank you, guys. I'd love it if you'd stick around. He didn't do that.

This is the start of the show. And then go. Have you guys watched Back to the Future lately? Have you watched it? It's a little. Yeah. Wait, what is your opinion? Well, I think it's all just people

observing Back to the Future in hindsight. Well, it's... I mean, okay, it's crazy, right? Because... How does the mom not remember that she met him? That's what you're telling me! Hey, I'm on this thing for the month. Have you guys ever seen this Back to the Future?

Have you really thought about it? It's just the skies over here. Good frown. Good mafia frown, everybody. Thank you. Everyone's doing it on the subway right now while they're listening to Jordan Jessica. Oh, hey.

And by everyone, I mean our several dozen listeners. Act like a tough guy. See how far it gets you in life for at least a day. Be a big tough guy for one day.

Hey, it's me. Hey, fuck. Hey, I want dinner on the table. Just to a random person. And they're like, I guess I gotta make this guy dinner.

Put on your spark ears. All right. Put on your spark ears, you little sissy. Make me some dinner. Garaba, baby. No, you don't understand. My baby is a Trekkie. Hey, Garaba, baby.

He told me. I presented him all the options. I showed him Star Wars, Star Trek, and Doctor Who, and he preferred Star Trek. What about Babylon 5? You left out Babylon 5? We're not perverts. No, we're not. No, I'm sorry. We're not degenerates.

We would never show a child Babylon 5. Alien Nation. Maybe when he's old enough, we'll show him the outer limits. It's me, someone. Garabba, baby. It's me someone the rapper baby someone over here a friendly acquaintance of mine Peter Hartlaub works for the San Francisco

Chronicle and he's like their general pop culture writer but once in a while he'll work on like a big kind of like design to get clicks to the Chronicle project and fake a murder. He told me he told me here about a real murder.

Wink, wink. He told me that he was working on a like what really happened in that one scene in Star Trek for where the guy is listening to punk rock music on the bus and then Spock kills him with his Vulcan death grip story. And I don't think I've ever been more excited to hear about... You know, like everybody was so excited about the oral history of Street Fighter II or whatever. Like, to me, hearing about Spock on a Muni bus with the Vulcan death grip, I don't even fucking like Star Trek.

That was one of the best moments in all of those movies. That guy... You never see them interact with modern day. the guy who played the punk rocker wrote that song. Yeah, because they had given him... I'm a punk rocker, love the punk rock. Shut up old man, I'm the punk rock. Yeah, no, like my dad. Is that Avril Lavigne? They had given him a song like that to play that was like a hair metal song about not liking your dad.

Nice. And he was like, I have a tape of my band. Can I just play that? Yeah. That's awesome. That is a great moment. Yeah. But I'm excited to hear about that.

But, you know, let's face it. Our audience knows enough about how strongly I feel about Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home. Sure. Movie I've seen once since I was seven. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan, most boy detective.

Hampton Yacht, Deep Space Nine enthusiast. Really? Deep Space Nine? That's where you're going, huh? Yeah, that was actually a really tight series. I like the Scott Bakula one. Wasn't Scott Bakula in one of them? That was good. Yeah, that's that was actually a really tight series. I like the Scott Bakula one. Wasn't Scott Bakula in one of them? That was good.

Yeah, that's Enterprise. I've never seen that. I just like Scott. Scott Bakula. The truth is I like Scott Bakula from that movie, from that show, Men of a Certain Age. Oh, right. Bakula's great, actually. I mean, Quantum Leap's awesome.

I don't think I've, maybe I've seen, my memories of Quantum Leap are roughly equivalent to my memories of that show Beauty and the Beast. Is that what that was called? Oh, wow. Yeah, Ron Perlman's Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, just like a weird thing. Like I didn't have cable as a kid, but just a weird thing you would see on like USA when you were visiting someone's house. It's like borderline soap opera with this weird kind of science fiction possible angle where it's just like you have to be a black man today.

That's the whole thing. So you live drama of that it's like very twilight zone dream on is another show that i feel that way about like i think that's a show that happened i don't remember dream on there's also a children's show called today's special uh that i felt that way about like i wasn't sure if it was real or not yeah that's That's how we live our lives. Quantum Leap was not real. He was not altering the timeline. Hampton, tell us about how our fans who are now big Hampton Yunt fans. Maniacs. Is that what you call them? Maniacs?

Ham maniacs. Like believers? Hannah maniacs. Hamnamaniacs. Where can they learn more about Hampton Yunt? Please check out my Twitter at Hampton Yunt. And you can Spotify my album. It's a good way. Or buy it on iTunes.

You can buy it on iTunes. I eventually get money there. But I also eventually get money from Spotify. And I think it's so much more like that's clearly where um things are almost going you're a realist about where the kids are you'd rather get comedy you'd rather get four cents now than six dollars later is that what you're telling us it's all about passing on like stuff you like to people so it's like if you can tell a lot of people it's like oh well just spotify it it's like well then that person will come see a show more likely than someone

who's like is it on Pandora at all? I think so. I've never checked. Are you on Tidal? It's the best audio quality on Tidal. Are you on AM Hot Talk Radio? Can we find you there? You can find me.

What's your shortwave frequency? I'm on ham radio. Cool. I prefer the sound quality of ham radio, personally. I like shortwave. I like the weird quality that it has. Different strokes for different folks. Yeah, well. As long as you're stroking, folks.

As long as you're stroking. You got it. You got it, baby. That's a good slogan for 2017. As long as you're stroking. As long as you're stroking, baby. But seriously, strokes are a horrible issue. That's true.

Like, we bring it up super real. But seriously, let's talk about strokes. A stroke is a brain attack. No, I'm kind of like the same thing with parenting. I just put it all out there, and hopefully people come to it. I'd really rather not be obnoxious with it. I'm like, buy my album. It's like, you have no idea if I'm funny.

But very seriously, if you feel like you're smelling burnt toast right now, call 911. It could be a stroke. I just kept thinking about Alonzo Bowden did those stroke commercials for a long time. He was like, he was just the context where he's a standup comic. He's in front of an audience and he's just like, but seriously, strokes, no joke. Like he never told a joke. He just would say that. Yeah.

I was like, I cannot believe. Wait, is this a real thing or something you dreamed? This was like an ad campaign I saw, like, when I first moved here. I was watching a bit too much TV

and, like, Were there any other stars of Last Comic Standing involved in this? Did Ant have a role in this? Ant might have. That fan? Did that fan ever?

Yo, Ant. Yo. Oh. They wanted more Ants. Yeah. Yo, Ant. Okay. Maximumfun.reddit.com is where we are on Reddit.

The Maximum Fun group on Facebook. Just ask for membership. You'll get approved. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. They're on Twitter, so you should follow

us there. And just like when it comes to strokes, just remember our catchphrase. Garaba. G. Get help. Have fun with it. A. Assess the situation. R. Read up with it. A. Assess the situation. R. Read up on it. A. Assess the situation again.

B. Be kind to yourself. And A. Assess the situation. Yes, yes. Never have sex because it provokes strokes. Garaba, baby. Garaba. Garaba. What did they yell?

We're going with Garaba. I wanted to say this. We don't mention this enough, but there is Jordan Jesse Go merchandise that you can purchase. And it's actually really nice. We go through a lot of work to make really gorgeous merchandise. If you want a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt, go to maxfundstore.com. A lot of your other favorite Max Fund programs

will have a shirt there. And if, like Hampton, you're a big Star Trek fan, you should check out Max Fund's latest show, The Greatest Generation, about Star Trek The Next Generation. I know that sounds like a joke because of the inflection that I used, if not the fact that it didn't have a punchline.

And it's not. It's our actual latest show, The Greatest Generation. And my brother is like a huge fan. He was like just raving about it. There you go. Christian Duenas is on the board this week. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez all the way in London, England, producing our program. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.

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